1
00:00:07,903 --> 00:00:10,923
Oh, late, late,
late, late, late.

2
00:00:19,878 --> 00:00:20,895
Cold, cold, cold shower!

3
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:22,957
Hey, hey, hey.

4
00:00:22,958 --> 00:00:24,945
You can't turn the sink on
when someone's in the shower.

5
00:00:24,946 --> 00:00:26,911
This is not some fancy hotel.

6
00:00:26,912 --> 00:00:28,873
Okay, I'm sorry,
I overslept.

7
00:00:28,874 --> 00:00:29,932
I'm running late for a meeting
with the vice principal.

8
00:00:29,933 --> 00:00:32,873
Please get out of here
so I can save

9
00:00:32,874 --> 00:00:34,869
a little bit
of my dignity.

10
00:00:34,870 --> 00:00:36,869
One, two, three, four.

11
00:00:37,952 --> 00:00:39,951
I'm not gonna do it, Schmidt,
so you can just stop asking me.

12
00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:41,945
- Well, I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it.
- Look,

13
00:00:41,946 --> 00:00:43,901
I'm not doing it until
you tell me why you've had

14
00:00:43,902 --> 00:00:45,882
time to shave your chest
but not your face.

15
00:00:47,874 --> 00:00:49,877
Ugh, Jess, would you
please scratch an itch

16
00:00:49,878 --> 00:00:50,939
I have
on my undercarriage?

17
00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:52,912
I can't get the right angle
and Winston refuses.

18
00:00:52,913 --> 00:00:54,881
No, I don't have
time, Schmidt.

19
00:00:54,882 --> 00:00:55,924
Jess, please, I-I—
this is awful.

20
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:58,881
I feel like I dropped
something in there.

21
00:00:58,882 --> 00:01:00,869
You hear that? Loose change.

22
00:01:00,870 --> 00:01:01,939
I thought
we talked

23
00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:03,966
about you not wearing your
shower diaper in the kitchen.

24
00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:06,907
Excuse me, do you think
this has been easy for me—

25
00:01:06,908 --> 00:01:09,931
to wash myself all summer long
with a penis cast on?

26
00:01:09,932 --> 00:01:11,870
Thank God this thing
comes off this afternoon.

27
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,911
And by the way, I know
what you've been thinking,

28
00:01:14,912 --> 00:01:15,964
and the answer
is yes,

29
00:01:15,965 --> 00:01:17,924
I have been able
to reach completion

30
00:01:17,925 --> 00:01:20,915
with some very precise
and vigorous nipple play.

31
00:01:20,916 --> 00:01:22,869
Nipple play— off-limits.

32
00:01:22,870 --> 00:01:23,966
Wait, Jess, please,
I-I'm begging you.

33
00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:25,886
Okay, fine.

34
00:01:25,887 --> 00:01:27,911
Just get it,
just get it in there

35
00:01:27,912 --> 00:01:29,912
- in the back.
- Stop moving like that.

36
00:01:29,915 --> 00:01:31,890
There you go.

37
00:01:36,874 --> 00:01:37,908
- What do you mean?
- This is friendship,

38
00:01:37,911 --> 00:01:40,944
Pure unadulterated
friendship.

39
00:01:40,945 --> 00:01:42,890
Oh, yeah.

40
00:01:59,967 --> 00:02:04,869
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

41
00:02:04,870 --> 00:02:06,936
Hi, Tanya, um,
sorry I'm late.

42
00:02:06,937 --> 00:02:08,894
Take a seat.

43
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:09,915
Okay.

44
00:02:09,916 --> 00:02:11,873
Is everything all right?

45
00:02:11,874 --> 00:02:12,949
I'll give you
the bad news first.

46
00:02:12,950 --> 00:02:13,952
Okay.

47
00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:16,877
The bad news is, is that
cutbacks are forcing me

48
00:02:16,878 --> 00:02:18,966
to lay off ten percent
of our nontenured teachers.

49
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:20,940
That's terrible.

50
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,908
But the bad news is, is that
it seems you are one of them.

51
00:02:26,874 --> 00:02:28,878
That's not how
you deliver news.

52
00:02:30,878 --> 00:02:31,908
What are you doing?

53
00:02:31,909 --> 00:02:33,952
Trying to make this
more fun.

54
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:36,912
- No.
- You're right.

55
00:02:36,915 --> 00:02:39,911
Tanya, I'm a really
good teacher.

56
00:02:39,912 --> 00:02:41,886
I care about my kids.

57
00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:42,928
I spent
two months

58
00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:46,881
in summer school with an
Indian student named Vaj Rejuv

59
00:02:46,882 --> 00:02:49,957
and I did not laugh
once, not once.

60
00:02:49,958 --> 00:02:52,927
I'm sorry, Jess,
but on the plus side...

61
00:02:52,928 --> 00:02:54,931
you can have
anything you want

62
00:02:54,932 --> 00:02:57,869
out of the
lost-and-found box.

63
00:02:57,870 --> 00:02:58,953
Okay.

64
00:03:02,953 --> 00:03:04,937
- Good choice.
- Thank you for the opportunity.

65
00:03:04,938 --> 00:03:06,937
Um, it's been an
honor working here.

66
00:03:07,953 --> 00:03:10,894
The dictionary
defines "teacher" as...

67
00:03:10,895 --> 00:03:12,932
Okay, you can take another one.

68
00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:19,906
No, you can't
share a bowl of cereal.

69
00:03:19,907 --> 00:03:20,937
Why not?

70
00:03:20,938 --> 00:03:22,965
The cast is off, gentlemen.

71
00:03:22,966 --> 00:03:25,928
- Great. Congratulations, man.
- Good news, man.

72
00:03:25,931 --> 00:03:28,887
- Oh! - Oh!
- Yeah, take it in.

73
00:03:28,888 --> 00:03:30,878
- Goodness, the smell, man.
- We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.

74
00:03:30,881 --> 00:03:33,873
Soak it all in,
in all its foul glory.

75
00:03:33,874 --> 00:03:34,935
That is not just some

76
00:03:34,936 --> 00:03:36,920
disgusting, salty
bundle of gauze.

77
00:03:36,921 --> 00:03:39,931
That is a symbol of who I was
for the past two months:

78
00:03:39,932 --> 00:03:41,886
The broken-penis guy.

79
00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:43,910
But if there's anything
that majoring in marketing

80
00:03:43,911 --> 00:03:46,877
with a minor in theater studies
has taught me,

81
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:47,949
it's that everybody has a brand.

82
00:03:47,950 --> 00:03:50,936
Nick, your brand
is gypsy alcoholic handyman.

83
00:03:50,937 --> 00:03:51,940
Winston,

84
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,907
your brand is Winston.

85
00:03:54,941 --> 00:03:56,907
Nicholas, Winstoniel,

86
00:03:56,908 --> 00:03:59,923
I'm staging an event to
relaunch the Schmidt brand.

87
00:03:59,924 --> 00:04:01,908
It's going to happen
this Saturday night,

88
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,952
and it is going
to be epic.

89
00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:05,868
You're having a party
to tell girls

90
00:04:05,869 --> 00:04:06,899
you're ready
to have sex again?

91
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:10,894
Not a party;
A rebranding event.

92
00:04:10,895 --> 00:04:11,956
Please tell me
there's not a theme.

93
00:04:11,957 --> 00:04:13,943
There most certainly is
a theme— it is a secret

94
00:04:13,944 --> 00:04:15,937
- that will be announced on the night.
- I bet it's danger.

95
00:04:15,938 --> 00:04:17,920
No, you're... you're wrong.
It's not danger.

96
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:19,937
- It'll be announced on the night.
- I really think

97
00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:21,912
- It's going to be danger.
- I'm going to go with danger.

98
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,880
Come on, man, it's not danger.
Stop guessing danger.

99
00:04:23,881 --> 00:04:24,960
Who'd you invite?

100
00:04:24,961 --> 00:04:26,918
The ladies from Lululemon,
my urologist,

101
00:04:26,919 --> 00:04:28,874
my badminton partner,
my financial planner,

102
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:30,881
Philip Seymour Hoffman
and a guy who once wrote

103
00:04:30,882 --> 00:04:32,890
for a little show
called Crank Yankers.

104
00:04:32,891 --> 00:04:33,951
And obviously Cece.

105
00:04:33,952 --> 00:04:35,945
She hasn't spoken
to you all summer—

106
00:04:35,946 --> 00:04:37,931
since you broke
up with her.

107
00:04:37,932 --> 00:04:38,956
Yeah, I'm over it.

108
00:04:38,957 --> 00:04:40,932
It's not about her.
I hope she comes.

109
00:04:40,933 --> 00:04:42,932
Now, let's talk venue.

110
00:04:44,887 --> 00:04:46,869
Jess, oh, my God.

111
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:47,911
Are you okay?

112
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,887
How long have you
been sitting here?

113
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,961
I panicked,
and I grabbed the hat.

114
00:04:53,962 --> 00:04:57,873
I should have grabbed the yo-yo
or the slap bracelet,

115
00:04:57,874 --> 00:05:00,957
and now all I have
is this stupid hat.

116
00:05:00,958 --> 00:05:03,882
- I'm sorry.
- No, you're right.

117
00:05:03,885 --> 00:05:05,916
I'm overthinking it.
The hat's fine.

118
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:08,945
You take me home?

119
00:05:08,946 --> 00:05:10,877
Yeah, of course.

120
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:11,922
I-I can't go
upstairs, though,

121
00:05:11,923 --> 00:05:13,882
'cause of the whole
Schmidt thing.

122
00:05:13,883 --> 00:05:15,898
It's going to be
okay, all right?

123
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,914
I mean, this is the moment
before something amazing

124
00:05:17,915 --> 00:05:19,899
is going to happen
for you. I promise.

125
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:20,928
Put these on.

126
00:05:22,958 --> 00:05:24,877
Is this making you
feel better?

127
00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:30,920
I've decided to host my

128
00:05:30,921 --> 00:05:32,941
- relaunch event at Nick's bar.
- No.

129
00:05:32,942 --> 00:05:34,935
And you, my friend,
are bartending.

130
00:05:34,936 --> 00:05:36,949
Don't make me work for you.
You can have everything else.

131
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:38,894
Come on, man.
You're perfect.

132
00:05:38,895 --> 00:05:39,930
You bring the heat,
but you're not

133
00:05:39,931 --> 00:05:40,937
a threat in the
looks department.

134
00:05:40,938 --> 00:05:42,920
- I get that, actually.
- And only you

135
00:05:42,921 --> 00:05:43,962
Can make those fruity
drinks that used to make

136
00:05:43,963 --> 00:05:46,936
the girls lose their
minds in college.

137
00:05:46,937 --> 00:05:48,958
Fine, I'll do it,
but I'm not making those drinks.

138
00:05:48,959 --> 00:05:51,894
Oh, come on, Nick.
You have a gift.

139
00:05:51,895 --> 00:05:53,937
Why you always trying to hide
your light under a bushel?

140
00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:56,957
Because, sure, I could get
a girl topless, no bra,

141
00:05:56,958 --> 00:05:58,923
with one hollowed-out papaya,

142
00:05:58,924 --> 00:06:00,957
some crushed ice
and two fingers of rum,

143
00:06:00,958 --> 00:06:02,936
but then I grew up.

144
00:06:02,937 --> 00:06:05,936
Now I only want to make a drink
that a coal miner would want.

145
00:06:05,937 --> 00:06:08,902
Straightforward, honest.

146
00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:11,881
Something that says,
"I work in a hole."

147
00:06:11,882 --> 00:06:12,962
And I'm especially not making
those drinks for you.

148
00:06:12,963 --> 00:06:14,937
- What? Why?
- 'Cause you can't handle it.

149
00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:15,960
You drink them way too fast,
and then you get weird.

150
00:06:15,961 --> 00:06:17,943
Oh, come on. That was,
like, years ago, dude.

151
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,897
I'm a changed man.
I mean, look at me.

152
00:06:19,898 --> 00:06:20,945
- I'm wearing a suit.
- A suit? Please.

153
00:06:20,946 --> 00:06:22,914
That's something they
put on Morgan Freeman

154
00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:24,943
when they let him out of
Shawshank. Look at that.

155
00:06:24,944 --> 00:06:26,872
What, did a magician
die in that thing?

156
00:06:29,887 --> 00:06:30,944
Hi.

157
00:06:30,945 --> 00:06:32,898
I got laid off.

158
00:06:32,899 --> 00:06:34,874
- What? Are you serious?
- Oh, my God.

159
00:06:34,877 --> 00:06:35,962
- What happened?
- Obama.

160
00:06:35,965 --> 00:06:38,898
It's possible
I'm still in shock.

161
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,961
I'm going to go to my room
and process what just happened.

162
00:06:42,962 --> 00:06:45,932
Thank you for your attention.

163
00:06:47,903 --> 00:06:49,915
Ah, this is not good.
Now she's going to cry.

164
00:06:49,916 --> 00:06:50,930
I hate it when she cries.

165
00:06:50,931 --> 00:06:51,962
Her face gets all red and puffy.

166
00:06:51,963 --> 00:06:53,945
- Makes me sick.
- Okay, we got to

167
00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:54,958
Fix this right now, guys.

168
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,944
Let's go.
We got to do something.

169
00:07:01,870 --> 00:07:03,962
- Okay. Here's how this is going to go.
- Hi.

170
00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:05,919
You will not pity me.

171
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,877
No pity eyes.
Schmidt, stop looking at me

172
00:07:08,878 --> 00:07:09,932
like I'm a fat kid
riding a bike.

173
00:07:09,933 --> 00:07:12,944
It's just a job.
I'll get a new one.

174
00:07:12,945 --> 00:07:15,869
You're going to get so many
jobs, Jess. I promise.

175
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,928
So I just want you to go
about your day and act normal.

176
00:07:17,929 --> 00:07:20,919
Okay?

177
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:21,924
What's wrong
with your eyes, Nick?

178
00:07:23,941 --> 00:07:25,920
Stop blinking.
Why are you doing that?

179
00:07:25,921 --> 00:07:28,881
I just think they fired
the wrong girl, kid.

180
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,882
Oh, for sure.

181
00:07:31,887 --> 00:07:32,923
Stop. Nick!

182
00:07:32,924 --> 00:07:34,886
What's up?

183
00:07:34,887 --> 00:07:35,958
- What's wrong with you?
- You wiggin'?

184
00:07:35,961 --> 00:07:37,953
- Act normal, okay?
- If that's what you want.

185
00:07:37,956 --> 00:07:40,878
- That is what I want.
- That's what you'll get.

186
00:07:40,879 --> 00:07:41,922
Where you going, Schmidt?

187
00:07:41,923 --> 00:07:42,932
Sorry. This way.

188
00:07:42,933 --> 00:07:44,887
Bye.

189
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,602
Hey, hey.

190
00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:52,631
Hey.

191
00:07:52,632 --> 00:07:54,420
- How you doing, kid?
- Great.

192
00:07:54,421 --> 00:07:56,099
My boobs are loving
this unemployed thing.

193
00:07:56,150 --> 00:07:58,157
They don't have to go
to boob jail every day.

194
00:07:59,158 --> 00:08:01,136
Job hunt is on.

195
00:08:01,137 --> 00:08:05,140
This hospital Web site
says I can earn up to $700,

196
00:08:05,141 --> 00:08:08,127
and all I have to do is be
infected with dengue fever.

197
00:08:08,128 --> 00:08:10,157
Are you sure you're okay?

198
00:08:10,158 --> 00:08:11,172
For the thousandth time, yes.

199
00:08:11,173 --> 00:08:13,135
I know you've been
waiting all week

200
00:08:13,136 --> 00:08:14,195
for me to break down,
but I'm fine.

201
00:08:14,196 --> 00:08:16,169
Just be normal.

202
00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:17,212
- I'm being normal.
- You're crossing your legs.

203
00:08:17,215 --> 00:08:19,177
I always do this.

204
00:08:19,178 --> 00:08:21,176
You've never crossed your legs
in your entire life.

205
00:08:21,177 --> 00:08:23,162
I didn't even know
you were that flexible.

206
00:08:23,163 --> 00:08:25,199
- Well...
- And stop being nice to me.

207
00:08:25,202 --> 00:08:28,136
What, I'm not normally
nice to you, Jess?

208
00:08:28,137 --> 00:08:31,127
No. You're mean,
like a crazy old man.

209
00:08:31,128 --> 00:08:34,127
"I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.

210
00:08:34,128 --> 00:08:36,173
"When did gum get so fancy?

211
00:08:36,174 --> 00:08:39,173
This escalator
goes too fast."

212
00:08:39,174 --> 00:08:41,140
Be mean.

213
00:08:41,141 --> 00:08:44,119
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.

214
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,216
Sorry. That... that was in
my head a little.

215
00:08:45,217 --> 00:08:48,169
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.

216
00:08:48,170 --> 00:08:50,182
- No. Tighten up!
That's terrible.

217
00:08:50,183 --> 00:08:52,151
I don't have it today.
I don't know what it is.

218
00:08:52,152 --> 00:08:53,172
Can you
believe that the zoo

219
00:08:53,173 --> 00:08:55,130
wouldn't let me borrow
their white tiger?

220
00:08:55,131 --> 00:08:56,185
I mean, the nerve.

221
00:08:56,186 --> 00:08:58,201
I'm going to be sitting
in the back of the party,

222
00:08:58,202 --> 00:09:00,164
and Philip Seymour Hoffman's
going to be like,

223
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,174
"Look at that idiot who
couldn't even get a big cat."

224
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,202
Schmidt, you need a tiger.

225
00:09:04,203 --> 00:09:06,173
I need a job.

226
00:09:07,174 --> 00:09:08,136
Hire me.

227
00:09:08,137 --> 00:09:09,166
- No.
- Here...

228
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:10,212
- No, I'm not going to...
- Schmidt!

229
00:09:10,215 --> 00:09:13,120
- What are you...?
- Hire me. I am a people person.

230
00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:14,166
I'm great at parties.

231
00:09:14,167 --> 00:09:16,166
I can make any kind
of balloon animal,

232
00:09:16,167 --> 00:09:19,140
as long as it's a worm
or a snake...

233
00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:21,174
- No, Jess.
- Come on.

234
00:09:21,177 --> 00:09:24,144
Help a brother out.

235
00:09:24,145 --> 00:09:26,130
Jess, you just got
laid off, okay?

236
00:09:26,131 --> 00:09:28,162
I can't have an emotionally
vulnerable person on my crew.

237
00:09:28,163 --> 00:09:31,157
Tonight is about one man's
functioning penis.

238
00:09:31,158 --> 00:09:32,176
I wouldn't say functioning.

239
00:09:32,177 --> 00:09:33,212
I saw what you did
to the toilet seat.

240
00:09:33,213 --> 00:09:36,169
And I'm not unstable.
I just need a job.

241
00:09:36,170 --> 00:09:38,126
Okay, fine.
You know what, Jess? Fine.

242
00:09:38,127 --> 00:09:39,199
You can be my other shot girl.

243
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,137
- Yes!
- A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl.

244
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,169
Why not?

245
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,189
Because you don't have

246
00:09:44,190 --> 00:09:46,170
that specific hotness
that shames men

247
00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:48,173
into spending nine dollars
on a two-dollar shot.

248
00:09:48,174 --> 00:09:50,212
- She doesn't have it.
- Are you saying I'm not hot?

249
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:53,211
No, no, no, I'm not...
No, no, you're hot, you're hot.

250
00:09:53,212 --> 00:09:56,132
- Nick!
- I'm saying you're the nurse

251
00:09:56,135 --> 00:09:59,131
That I want to wake up to
after having my stomach pumped.

252
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,180
You know what I mean?

253
00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:02,174
Its a different kind of hot—
still hot.

254
00:10:02,175 --> 00:10:04,174
I'm going to be
a great shot girl, Nick.

255
00:10:04,175 --> 00:10:06,186
I pour liquids into cups
every single day.

256
00:10:06,187 --> 00:10:09,152
Add on top of that two years
of light tap and jazz.

257
00:10:09,153 --> 00:10:11,158
Please, I feel... I feel you
overthinking this already.

258
00:10:11,159 --> 00:10:13,165
I'm going to be the best
shot girl in the world.

259
00:10:13,166 --> 00:10:14,203
- Cheers!
- Cheers.

260
00:10:14,206 --> 00:10:16,128
Getting my costume.

261
00:10:18,191 --> 00:10:20,207
Hiya, big boy.

262
00:10:20,208 --> 00:10:22,173
What's your poison?

263
00:10:22,174 --> 00:10:24,182
- Oh...
- What?

264
00:10:24,185 --> 00:10:27,161
Yeah, interesting choices.

265
00:10:27,162 --> 00:10:29,166
It's a great hat.
Can I have it?

266
00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:32,210
Let's get rid of that.

267
00:10:32,211 --> 00:10:34,208
I've decided that
tonight my name is Ivy,

268
00:10:34,209 --> 00:10:37,127
and I'm studying
to be an actress,

269
00:10:37,128 --> 00:10:39,127
and I'll sleep with you
if you give me a part

270
00:10:39,128 --> 00:10:40,674
- in a Paramount picture.
- Do you have another

271
00:10:40,675 --> 00:10:43,144
Outfit in your car, or are you
going to stick with this one?

272
00:10:43,145 --> 00:10:44,174
Hey, young man, why
weren't you drafted?

273
00:10:44,175 --> 00:10:47,174
- You like someone?
- Good stuff.

274
00:10:47,175 --> 00:10:49,153
Schmidt! Just the guy
I was looking for.

275
00:10:49,154 --> 00:10:52,128
- So the theme of the party is...
- Is danger.

276
00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:53,212
That's right, but it's
on a level that you

277
00:10:53,213 --> 00:10:56,149
- couldn't possibly understand, Nick.
- Okay.

278
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:58,132
Just, where... where
is the other shot girl?

279
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,141
- I don't know, boss.
- Here I am.

280
00:11:00,144 --> 00:11:02,194
Casey. Thank you for
joining us. Great.

281
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,216
Here's where it's at.

282
00:11:03,217 --> 00:11:05,157
I don't work with amateurs.

283
00:11:05,158 --> 00:11:06,172
I don't split tips.

284
00:11:06,173 --> 00:11:08,151
Things get a little freaky
in here, I'm out the door

285
00:11:08,152 --> 00:11:10,151
because I'm a little diabetic
and I don't need a hassle.

286
00:11:10,152 --> 00:11:12,191
And also, I do accept payment
in the form of whippets

287
00:11:12,192 --> 00:11:14,131
because I've got a PhD;

288
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:17,162
- a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.
- Oh.

289
00:11:17,163 --> 00:11:18,166
How old are you?

290
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:20,178
Twenty-six.

291
00:11:23,212 --> 00:11:24,770
Thank you for your honesty.

292
00:11:29,141 --> 00:11:31,152
Yeah! Who's up?

293
00:11:31,153 --> 00:11:34,127
Okay, you jerk, come here.
Stupid jerk.

294
00:11:35,209 --> 00:11:38,165
Who wants a shot of firewater?

295
00:11:38,166 --> 00:11:41,187
Anybody want me to wet
their whistle?

296
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:44,165
Hey, Schmidt.

297
00:11:45,166 --> 00:11:47,195
It's working, Nick. Look at all
these beautiful ladies.

298
00:11:47,696 --> 00:11:49,631
And this is just
the beginning, man.

299
00:11:49,632 --> 00:11:50,703
I can take this to the next
level whenever I want.

300
00:11:50,704 --> 00:11:53,644
You know why? 'Cause I got
something up my sleeve.

301
00:11:53,645 --> 00:11:55,711
Schmidt, please,
nothing up your sleeve.

302
00:11:55,712 --> 00:11:58,637
It never works!

303
00:12:11,674 --> 00:12:15,637
Remain in your seat and finish
the exam, Mr. Schmidt.

304
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,648
You know,
in Student Health Services,

305
00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:21,641
they still call that
"Schmidting the bed."

306
00:12:21,642 --> 00:12:23,619
Why are you proud
of that?

307
00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:24,635
What the hell
is this?

308
00:12:24,636 --> 00:12:25,653
Come on, Schmidt,
you know I don't

309
00:12:25,654 --> 00:12:27,699
- make girly drinks any more.
- I didn't buy that stuff.

310
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,658
You didn't buy this?
Then who did?

311
00:12:32,641 --> 00:12:33,653
What's my name?

312
00:12:33,654 --> 00:12:34,707
Casey!

313
00:12:34,708 --> 00:12:36,673
You're all a bunch of jerks.

314
00:12:36,674 --> 00:12:40,652
Yes! My penis is working!

315
00:12:40,653 --> 00:12:42,653
Casey!

316
00:12:47,662 --> 00:12:49,649
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey-hey!

317
00:12:49,652 --> 00:12:50,678
Cece.

318
00:12:51,716 --> 00:12:54,715
I had to check out the new
and improved Schmidt.

319
00:12:54,716 --> 00:12:56,712
Been hearing
so much about it, so...

320
00:12:56,713 --> 00:12:58,619
I'm really glad that you came.

321
00:12:58,620 --> 00:12:59,708
Look, I wanted
to tell you...

322
00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:02,711
I want you to meet Robby,
my, uh, my boyfriend.

323
00:13:02,712 --> 00:13:03,682
Your what?

324
00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:06,623
There he is.

325
00:13:06,624 --> 00:13:08,640
The one shaped
like a Liberty Bell?

326
00:13:08,641 --> 00:13:11,637
It's a great party.
Thank you for inviting us.

327
00:13:15,699 --> 00:13:17,699
- Flip it, man, flip it!
- I'm flipping it!

328
00:13:19,702 --> 00:13:20,652
Did you guys see

329
00:13:20,653 --> 00:13:22,645
Cece's new boyfriend,
the commoner?

330
00:13:24,641 --> 00:13:27,657
Oh, wow, Schmidty,
you really lowered Cece's bar.

331
00:13:27,658 --> 00:13:28,703
There's got to be an explanation
for this,

332
00:13:28,704 --> 00:13:30,652
like he's the Lord of Winterfell

333
00:13:30,653 --> 00:13:32,637
or he's working with
a real piece of pipe.

334
00:13:32,638 --> 00:13:35,661
Schmidt? Schmidt, don't get
hung up on that guy.

335
00:13:35,662 --> 00:13:37,673
And here comes the weirdness.

336
00:13:37,674 --> 00:13:39,716
Not weird, just a guy
who really wants a drink.

337
00:13:40,716 --> 00:13:44,673
Mm-mmm! Mmm...

338
00:13:44,674 --> 00:13:46,627
Mmm!

339
00:13:46,628 --> 00:13:47,658
It's like an explosion
of fruit!

340
00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:48,665
There it is.

341
00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:50,627
Look at me being so naughty!

342
00:13:51,687 --> 00:13:53,712
So naughty.

343
00:13:59,658 --> 00:14:01,653
- Hey.
- I'm Schmidt.

344
00:14:01,656 --> 00:14:04,698
I, too, was a sexual
partner of Cece.

345
00:14:04,699 --> 00:14:06,695
- Welcome to the party.
- Thank you for having me.

346
00:14:06,696 --> 00:14:07,708
Let me just tell you

347
00:14:07,709 --> 00:14:09,640
this is a very
impressive party.

348
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,618
There's speakers everywhere.
There's one over there.

349
00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:12,680
I saw two on the back wall.

350
00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,716
Oh, there's one right there.
Didn't see that one before.

351
00:14:14,717 --> 00:14:17,674
- Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of...
- Lots of speakers. Yeah.

352
00:14:17,677 --> 00:14:19,619
So, so what's your deal?

353
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:21,657
I mean, do you vacation
in Europe ever?

354
00:14:21,658 --> 00:14:22,716
No. You know, I've never left

355
00:14:22,717 --> 00:14:25,695
- California in my life.
- You in a band?

356
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,698
I don't, I don't like music.
What's up with me, you know?

357
00:14:28,699 --> 00:14:31,645
- You work for Goldman then?
- For who?

358
00:14:31,648 --> 00:14:33,694
This feels good.
I'm gonna go.

359
00:14:33,695 --> 00:14:36,695
Congratulations
on your penis, man.

360
00:14:37,691 --> 00:14:39,640
What's your name?

361
00:14:39,641 --> 00:14:42,619
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh!

362
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,632
Could I get a broom?

363
00:14:44,645 --> 00:14:45,695
Look at my butt.

364
00:14:45,696 --> 00:14:47,716
Look at my butt, stupid jerks.

365
00:14:56,653 --> 00:14:57,690
Hey, Jess.

366
00:14:57,691 --> 00:14:59,631
Nick, I'm fine.

367
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,636
I don't need you to be nice
to me right now.

368
00:15:02,637 --> 00:15:04,707
Okay. You want me to be mean?

369
00:15:04,708 --> 00:15:06,682
- Yes.
- I'll give you mean, Jess.

370
00:15:06,685 --> 00:15:09,644
This is the easiest job
in the whole world!

371
00:15:09,645 --> 00:15:11,657
The only thing
easier than this

372
00:15:11,658 --> 00:15:13,715
is passing out cigarettes
to prisoners.

373
00:15:13,716 --> 00:15:17,636
And what if I wanted to
take a body shot off you?

374
00:15:18,637 --> 00:15:22,619
Oh, yeah! I can't
because you're wearing

375
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,644
a turn-of-the-century
bathing costume.

376
00:15:24,645 --> 00:15:27,619
How's this? Are you getting mad
or are you happy with this?

377
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:28,632
It's good.
That's really good.

378
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:30,686
So stop feeling sorry
for yourself, kid,

379
00:15:30,687 --> 00:15:34,648
and get up on that bar and
shake that piece of plywood

380
00:15:34,649 --> 00:15:36,624
- that you call an ass!
- That's too far!

381
00:15:36,627 --> 00:15:39,649
- Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.
- That is too far!

382
00:15:39,650 --> 00:15:40,678
That is too far.

383
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:43,641
This is so fun!

384
00:15:50,641 --> 00:15:52,636
No hat. No hat!

385
00:16:17,645 --> 00:16:19,628
You know, this Robby guy's
got nothing on me.

386
00:16:19,629 --> 00:16:20,699
- Right.
- I think I can get Cece back.

387
00:16:20,702 --> 00:16:22,623
Seriously,
just let it go.

388
00:16:22,624 --> 00:16:25,644
I just need to remind her
how amazing I am.

389
00:16:25,645 --> 00:16:28,640
Luckily, I've got something
up my sleeve.

390
00:16:28,641 --> 00:16:29,662
Schmidt, no, no!
Schmidt, don't!

391
00:16:29,663 --> 00:16:31,641
Schmidt, no sleeves, please!

392
00:16:33,628 --> 00:16:34,682
Shot girl, shot girl!

393
00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:38,640
Shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl, shot girl!

394
00:16:38,641 --> 00:16:40,681
Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl!

395
00:16:40,682 --> 00:16:42,681
Shot girl!
Shot girl!

396
00:16:44,678 --> 00:16:46,640
Shot girl!

397
00:16:48,624 --> 00:16:50,707
I'm a shot girl.

398
00:16:53,674 --> 00:16:55,637
Oh.

399
00:16:56,620 --> 00:16:58,674
I'm a shot girl.

400
00:17:03,624 --> 00:17:05,686
Hey, J-Jess, Jess.

401
00:17:05,687 --> 00:17:06,716
Jess, where are you going?

402
00:17:06,717 --> 00:17:09,677
What am I doing, Nick?
I'm a teacher.

403
00:17:09,678 --> 00:17:11,678
I'm not a shot girl.

404
00:17:21,645 --> 00:17:24,619
Fire...

405
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:28,628
the most dangerous element
of all of the elements.

406
00:17:29,620 --> 00:17:30,712
Now I'm doing this.

407
00:17:30,713 --> 00:17:33,619
Okay, let's see here.

408
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,619
And then now I'm doing this.

409
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,665
Sure. And now I'm not sure
what I'm doing.

410
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:41,640
I'm not actually quite sure
how to stop this.

411
00:17:41,641 --> 00:17:43,681
Um, this is definitely
real fire.

412
00:17:43,682 --> 00:17:46,623
I'm very apologetic.
I think everyone should leave.

413
00:17:46,624 --> 00:17:47,712
Um, thank you very much
for coming.

414
00:17:47,713 --> 00:17:49,661
There's party favors
at the door.

415
00:17:49,662 --> 00:17:52,619
I'd like to thank my urologist
for coming.

416
00:17:56,653 --> 00:17:58,626
Oh, wait. No, no, no,
everybody, look.

417
00:17:58,627 --> 00:17:59,716
I'm okay.
I got it under control.

418
00:17:59,717 --> 00:18:02,641
Cece, watch this one.

419
00:18:04,703 --> 00:18:06,641
Hey, look, Cece. Fire!

420
00:18:16,632 --> 00:18:18,673
Where's Robby?

421
00:18:18,674 --> 00:18:19,712
Pulling the car around.

422
00:18:19,713 --> 00:18:21,627
You really scared him.

423
00:18:22,678 --> 00:18:24,212
Why haven't you called me back
in two months, Cece?

424
00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:26,627
You are the one
who broke up with me.

425
00:18:26,628 --> 00:18:27,712
I don't see you
until you show up here tonight

426
00:18:27,713 --> 00:18:29,707
with... with a boyfriend?

427
00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:33,207
And please, please tell me
he's on some sort of medication

428
00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:35,191
that's making him
temporarily bloated.

429
00:18:35,192 --> 00:18:37,123
Come on, okay?

430
00:18:37,124 --> 00:18:38,199
You and I both know
we never would have worked.

431
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,145
We are far too alike.

432
00:18:42,141 --> 00:18:44,199
Both so beautiful.

433
00:18:50,191 --> 00:18:53,128
You're gonna be fine.
You know that, right?

434
00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:58,211
Hey, uh, Cece, I...

435
00:18:58,212 --> 00:19:02,119
I got to know, why him?

436
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,207
I mean, what, what is his brand?

437
00:19:04,208 --> 00:19:06,165
He's just a good guy.

438
00:19:06,166 --> 00:19:08,211
And I'm...

439
00:19:08,212 --> 00:19:10,136
too dangerous?

440
00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:12,145
Yeah, that's it.

441
00:19:14,145 --> 00:19:15,207
I'll see you around, Schmidt.

442
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:18,128
Yeah.

443
00:19:21,145 --> 00:19:22,186
Fun fact:

444
00:19:22,187 --> 00:19:25,181
There's a reason why guys
nickname me "T-Ball."

445
00:19:25,182 --> 00:19:27,131
When they step up
to the plate,

446
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:28,182
they never strike out.

447
00:19:28,183 --> 00:19:31,131
Honey, what happened to you
in your life

448
00:19:31,132 --> 00:19:32,172
that made you like this?

449
00:19:32,173 --> 00:19:34,143
I graduated from MIT,
and then I got

450
00:19:34,144 --> 00:19:36,216
into a horrible accident
where I lost half my brain.

451
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,203
There it is.

452
00:19:58,145 --> 00:20:00,119
I came back
to say good-bye.

453
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,147
I figured that.

454
00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:05,207
I was kidding myself.

455
00:20:05,708 --> 00:20:08,140
I love teaching.

456
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:10,215
It's who I am.

457
00:20:11,216 --> 00:20:14,119
What if I
can't do anything else?

458
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,119
Jess, come on.
I can't do anything,

459
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:17,149
and look at me.

460
00:20:18,178 --> 00:20:21,140
I'm kind of fine,
you know?

461
00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:26,157
It's just that being
a teacher was all

462
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,198
I ever, ever
wanted to do.

463
00:20:28,199 --> 00:20:31,207
It just,
it just sucks, you know?

464
00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:34,161
Yeah, life sucks!

465
00:20:36,128 --> 00:20:38,187
And then it gets better,
and then it sucks again.

466
00:20:38,188 --> 00:20:39,194
Yeah.

467
00:20:39,195 --> 00:20:41,119
And then,
and then it just...

468
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,162
- Sucks.
- ... sucks.

469
00:20:44,199 --> 00:20:48,119
Nick.

470
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,181
What?

471
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,178
Will you be mean to
me one more time?

472
00:20:55,195 --> 00:20:56,698
Look sharp,
you dumb-ass!

473
00:20:56,699 --> 00:20:58,131
You look sharp!

474
00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,187
You're a terrible
shot girl!

475
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,148
You got hoof hands
and a plywood ass, kid!

476
00:21:03,149 --> 00:21:05,215
You call that a shot girl
outfit, you dumb-ass?

477
00:21:05,216 --> 00:21:08,131
I got mixed up— I thought
it was a cigarette girl.

478
00:21:11,132 --> 00:21:13,148
That is what happened.

479
00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:17,144
You look like
a cigarette girl.

480
00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:42,208
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com