1 00:00:03,753 --> 00:00:05,752 Well, it took a year, 2 00:00:05,753 --> 00:00:06,806 she's finally cooking and cleaning. 3 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,776 I knew this would pay off eventually. 4 00:00:08,777 --> 00:00:09,778 Does everybody like egg pie? 5 00:00:09,779 --> 00:00:11,736 Jess, I believe the word that 6 00:00:11,737 --> 00:00:13,765 you're looking for is "frittata." 7 00:00:13,766 --> 00:00:17,744 Oh, Schmidt, stop staring at my fritta-tas! 8 00:00:17,745 --> 00:00:19,736 You gotta do something, Nick. 9 00:00:19,737 --> 00:00:20,774 My sister's coming, my mother's coming. 10 00:00:20,775 --> 00:00:23,752 I love being unemployed. I love it! 11 00:00:23,753 --> 00:00:25,757 If I'd lost my job a week ago, 12 00:00:25,758 --> 00:00:29,732 - I'd be deep in a porn hole by now. - Five-second rule. 13 00:00:29,735 --> 00:00:32,736 The images, the things I would have seen by now. It's... 14 00:00:32,737 --> 00:00:33,735 Jess, are you cooking 15 00:00:33,736 --> 00:00:35,816 a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, prison? 16 00:00:35,817 --> 00:00:37,737 - Jar. - Jar. That's a jar for sure. 17 00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:38,777 Yeah, I know. 18 00:00:38,778 --> 00:00:40,740 I already got the money ready. 19 00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:41,798 No! 20 00:00:41,799 --> 00:00:44,720 - What? Oh, no! - Damn it! 21 00:00:44,723 --> 00:00:45,719 No! 22 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,727 Jess! What is this? 23 00:00:49,728 --> 00:00:51,312 I just finished that last night. Isn't it great? 24 00:00:51,313 --> 00:00:52,719 Felt art? 25 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:53,741 - Nick? - I'm on it. 26 00:00:53,744 --> 00:00:54,761 What? 27 00:00:54,762 --> 00:00:56,751 What photograph were you working from? My hair hasn't 28 00:00:56,752 --> 00:00:57,780 looked like that in three weeks. 29 00:00:57,781 --> 00:00:59,735 Your hair looks just like that, Schmidt. 30 00:00:59,736 --> 00:01:00,739 Yeah, your hair looks just like that. 31 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:01,764 You are perfect in that. 32 00:01:01,765 --> 00:01:02,791 This is making me furious. 33 00:01:02,792 --> 00:01:04,727 It's multi-cloth collage. 34 00:01:04,728 --> 00:01:05,736 Insane! 35 00:01:05,737 --> 00:01:07,807 Jess, can I have a word with you? 36 00:01:07,808 --> 00:01:09,719 Take a break! 37 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,744 You're looking at this the wrong way. 38 00:01:11,745 --> 00:01:12,814 This is the first time 39 00:01:12,815 --> 00:01:14,795 you don't have to be anywhere or do anything. 40 00:01:14,796 --> 00:01:15,777 Right. 41 00:01:15,778 --> 00:01:17,723 You could make weird art 42 00:01:20,762 --> 00:01:23,794 You could go off the grid. You could be an outlaw. 43 00:01:23,795 --> 00:01:26,811 I'm not really someone who goes off the grid, Nick. 44 00:01:26,812 --> 00:01:30,773 Whoo-hoo! I'm off the grid! 45 00:01:30,774 --> 00:01:34,777 I'm so far off the grid, that everybody's all, "She's off the grid!" 46 00:01:34,778 --> 00:01:37,723 And then I'm all, "I don't play by your rules." 47 00:01:37,724 --> 00:01:40,731 I can drink at 11:00... a.m. 48 00:01:40,732 --> 00:01:41,803 Yeah, that backfired pretty quickly. 49 00:01:41,804 --> 00:01:43,723 High five. 50 00:01:47,783 --> 00:01:51,811 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 51 00:01:52,812 --> 00:01:54,777 Look at that, look at that, look at that. 52 00:01:55,278 --> 00:01:56,741 My mom always said I was a late bloomer. 53 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:58,815 Wait till she sees this mustache! Bam! 54 00:01:58,816 --> 00:02:00,762 - That's not a shadow? - What? 55 00:02:00,763 --> 00:02:02,791 'Cause your nose makes a shadow right over your... 56 00:02:02,792 --> 00:02:05,727 Oh, now it is a mustache. You look adorable. 57 00:02:05,728 --> 00:02:08,727 Winston, I need you to be honest with me, okay? 58 00:02:08,728 --> 00:02:09,808 - Yeah. - Does your mother not like me? 59 00:02:11,611 --> 00:02:12,507 Yes. 60 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,719 She does, she does not like me? 61 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,748 Schmidt, she loves you. 62 00:02:16,749 --> 00:02:17,814 Good, good, because, you know, 63 00:02:17,815 --> 00:02:19,743 historically speaking, I'm like, catnip 64 00:02:19,744 --> 00:02:21,308 to tough-talking African-American women. 65 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,761 It's 'cause I don't front, know what I mean? 66 00:02:23,762 --> 00:02:24,777 Don't do that. 67 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:25,765 A'ight. 68 00:02:26,266 --> 00:02:28,302 What is that? 69 00:02:28,303 --> 00:02:30,265 What's your name? 70 00:02:30,266 --> 00:02:32,240 I'm Nick. 71 00:02:32,241 --> 00:02:33,287 Nick's name is Nick! 72 00:02:33,288 --> 00:02:35,237 - Nick, meet Nick. - Hi, Nick. 73 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,287 You guys even look alike. 74 00:02:36,288 --> 00:02:38,273 Look at that turtle face. 75 00:02:38,274 --> 00:02:40,237 Nick, want these kegs behind the bar? 76 00:02:40,238 --> 00:02:41,220 - Yes. - Yes. 77 00:02:41,223 --> 00:02:43,245 - He was talking to me. - He was talking to you. 78 00:02:43,248 --> 00:02:45,303 Andy, I'll go get your check, bud. 79 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,723 Oh, hey, Winston, you know, you can just have 80 00:02:48,724 --> 00:02:50,603 the hummus in there, okay? It's giving me the toots. 81 00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:52,811 Hey, Schmidt. 82 00:02:52,812 --> 00:02:53,757 Hey, Alisha. 83 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:55,803 You look great. Wow. 84 00:02:55,804 --> 00:02:56,757 Thanks. 85 00:02:56,758 --> 00:02:58,762 It's like they stretched the ugly out of Winston. 86 00:02:58,763 --> 00:02:59,761 Hmm. 87 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:00,743 How's the hoops? 88 00:03:00,744 --> 00:03:01,787 - Good, it's good. - Yeah? 89 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,719 Very impressive, pro ball. 90 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,749 I mean, women's pro, but still. Swoosh. 91 00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:12,302 I was working in real estate, but I got laid off, so... 92 00:03:12,303 --> 00:03:14,219 I got laid off last week! 93 00:03:14,220 --> 00:03:15,270 I don't even know what to do with myself. 94 00:03:15,271 --> 00:03:18,298 I just told myself it was a chance to start over. 95 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,249 - Yes. - Be someone 96 00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:21,312 That I've always wanted 97 00:03:21,313 --> 00:03:23,312 - to be, you know? - I'm Jess. 98 00:03:23,315 --> 00:03:25,244 Hi. How are ya? 99 00:03:25,245 --> 00:03:26,298 I'm Bearclaw! 100 00:03:26,299 --> 00:03:28,302 Bearclaw helps me with the deliveries. 101 00:03:28,303 --> 00:03:29,302 Hey. 102 00:03:29,303 --> 00:03:31,287 - Here's your check, my man. - Thanks, man. 103 00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:35,290 Maybe I'll see you around. I'm in the phone booth. 104 00:03:35,291 --> 00:03:38,298 Um, oh, it was nice to meet you, Jess. 105 00:03:38,299 --> 00:03:40,316 - Nice meeting you, too. - And, Jess, you met me. 106 00:03:40,319 --> 00:03:43,220 Nice to meet you both. 107 00:03:44,278 --> 00:03:48,290 Hey, Nick, I know what I'm gonna do with all my free time. 108 00:03:48,291 --> 00:03:50,241 - Him. - You like him? 109 00:03:50,244 --> 00:03:53,231 Mother, may I? Can you give him my phone number? 110 00:03:53,232 --> 00:03:54,299 Yeah, absolutely. 111 00:03:56,262 --> 00:03:58,273 Winston, your sister got so hot. 112 00:03:58,274 --> 00:04:00,294 I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her. 113 00:04:00,295 --> 00:04:02,291 - Schmidt. - May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be, 114 00:04:02,292 --> 00:04:03,303 - Like, dribbling up the court. - Schmidt. 115 00:04:03,306 --> 00:04:05,252 Boom. Technical foul. 116 00:04:05,253 --> 00:04:08,302 Boom. Illegal use of the hands. Boom. 117 00:04:08,303 --> 00:04:11,270 - Hello, Schmidt. - Charmaine. 118 00:04:12,316 --> 00:04:14,219 Charmaine! 119 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,247 The loft just became 120 00:04:15,248 --> 00:04:16,274 Big Mama's House! 121 00:04:18,241 --> 00:04:21,224 - Give me a hug. - You gonna take care of this? 122 00:04:21,225 --> 00:04:22,312 - He's dead to me. - Okay. 123 00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:28,307 Hi. Excuse me. Are you Katie? 124 00:04:28,308 --> 00:04:30,252 I'm Sam from Cupid Match. 125 00:04:30,253 --> 00:04:34,298 And I'm the girl from my dreams of you. 126 00:04:34,299 --> 00:04:36,236 You are Katie, right? 127 00:04:36,237 --> 00:04:37,299 - Yeah. - Finally. 128 00:04:37,302 --> 00:04:39,277 I am. I'm Katie. Hi. 129 00:04:39,278 --> 00:04:42,294 Hi. So many e-mails back and forth. 130 00:04:42,295 --> 00:04:44,281 How's the little dog of yours? 131 00:04:44,282 --> 00:04:48,290 I had to put her-im down on the way here. 132 00:04:48,291 --> 00:04:50,278 - Oh, my God! - I know. 133 00:04:50,281 --> 00:04:52,286 Can I tell you something? 134 00:04:52,287 --> 00:04:53,291 Uh, not really. 135 00:04:53,292 --> 00:04:57,281 I'm you from the future. 136 00:04:57,282 --> 00:04:59,302 Well, that's a first. 137 00:04:59,303 --> 00:05:02,307 Nick, I traveled from the future to find you. 138 00:05:02,308 --> 00:05:04,236 I'm a time traveler. 139 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,291 Does everybody tip badly in the future, 140 00:05:05,292 --> 00:05:07,311 or is it just you? 141 00:05:07,312 --> 00:05:09,268 You don't believe I'm you, do you? 142 00:05:09,269 --> 00:05:10,291 Absolutely not. 143 00:05:10,292 --> 00:05:12,294 Well, I know you didn't shower this morning. 144 00:05:12,295 --> 00:05:14,253 Well, good guess. It's a Wednesday. 145 00:05:14,254 --> 00:05:16,273 I know a girl broke your heart and 146 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:17,297 you gave up on love. 147 00:05:17,298 --> 00:05:19,303 I know sometimes you get mad and you don't know why. 148 00:05:20,304 --> 00:05:22,219 I know you're a bartender 149 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,294 because you like three feet of bar 150 00:05:24,295 --> 00:05:27,281 between you and everyone you meet. 151 00:05:27,282 --> 00:05:29,295 Well, I mean... 152 00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:36,274 Chew on that, you clown. 153 00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:40,223 Wait. Hey, don't-don't say all that weird stuff 154 00:05:40,224 --> 00:05:41,303 and then just leave! 155 00:05:41,304 --> 00:05:43,269 You were wrong about the bar! 156 00:05:43,270 --> 00:05:45,303 But everything else was right. 157 00:05:50,245 --> 00:05:53,286 What was the band that we...? I know... 158 00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:55,227 I'm in. 159 00:05:55,228 --> 00:05:58,286 I've been to 48 Creed shows, so... 160 00:05:58,287 --> 00:06:00,265 Forty-two. 161 00:06:00,266 --> 00:06:02,270 - No way! - Way! 162 00:06:02,273 --> 00:06:05,295 - Are you serious? - Wow! 163 00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:08,252 Way to go, Cupid Match. 164 00:06:08,253 --> 00:06:09,303 Yeah. Hey, hold still. 165 00:06:09,304 --> 00:06:12,294 You got a little hair... 166 00:06:13,295 --> 00:06:15,258 on your nose. 167 00:06:28,737 --> 00:06:31,273 Let's just say, hypothetically, 168 00:06:31,274 --> 00:06:33,291 we live in a world where time travel exists, okay? 169 00:06:33,292 --> 00:06:36,286 So if that is the case... 170 00:06:36,287 --> 00:06:38,294 One, Marie Antoinette. Two, Cleopatra. 171 00:06:38,295 --> 00:06:40,273 Three, young Ann-Margret. 172 00:06:40,274 --> 00:06:42,269 Four, old Ann-Margret. 173 00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:44,291 Would you shut up, you clown? I'm being serious! 174 00:06:44,292 --> 00:06:47,248 I'm talking about real time travel here, Schmidty. 175 00:06:47,249 --> 00:06:49,252 And I made an astute observation off of that. 176 00:06:49,253 --> 00:06:50,266 I might have met future me. 177 00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:52,223 Who knows about this? 178 00:06:52,224 --> 00:06:54,270 Nobody. You're the first person I've told, obviously. 179 00:06:54,271 --> 00:06:55,299 - Whoa. - If I find out how you die, 180 00:06:55,302 --> 00:06:57,219 Do you want me to tell you? 181 00:06:57,220 --> 00:06:58,299 Don't worry. I already know. It's one of these moles. 182 00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:01,308 - See this little S.O.B. right there? - That's the guy? 183 00:07:01,311 --> 00:07:03,236 I've been eyeing him for a while. 184 00:07:03,237 --> 00:07:04,293 That's one's gonna turn green one day, 185 00:07:04,294 --> 00:07:06,256 and then there you go. 186 00:07:06,257 --> 00:07:07,291 Schmidt's dead. 187 00:07:07,292 --> 00:07:10,273 I met me in my bar! 188 00:07:10,274 --> 00:07:13,252 Ask him when I meet Kanye. 'Cause I vision... 189 00:07:13,253 --> 00:07:14,297 I'm talking about real time travel. 190 00:07:14,298 --> 00:07:16,293 I have visions of me, Kanye, Beyoncé... 191 00:07:16,294 --> 00:07:17,299 I could figure out what happened...! 192 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:21,232 - Hey, can I talk to you guys? - What's up, baby? 193 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,258 Don't call me baby. Seriously, stop. 194 00:07:22,259 --> 00:07:25,282 - Come on, spill. - Don't wink at me. - What? 195 00:07:25,285 --> 00:07:28,269 Okay, look, I had the best sex of my life last night. 196 00:07:28,270 --> 00:07:30,251 He brewed me like a fine chamomile. 197 00:07:30,252 --> 00:07:31,291 Oh, so that was you. 198 00:07:31,292 --> 00:07:33,291 I thought that was a couple bums fighting. 199 00:07:33,292 --> 00:07:35,291 It wasn't.. It was me having sex. 200 00:07:35,292 --> 00:07:37,274 - Mm. - I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, 201 00:07:37,275 --> 00:07:39,258 Thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, 202 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:42,236 came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. 203 00:07:42,237 --> 00:07:44,257 I came back into my body. Only thing is, 204 00:07:44,258 --> 00:07:46,302 he thinks my name is Katie. 205 00:07:46,303 --> 00:07:48,290 And that I'm a dancer 206 00:07:48,291 --> 00:07:50,294 and/or something involving puppets. 207 00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,280 Katie? 208 00:07:51,281 --> 00:07:52,291 Hey, Sam. 209 00:07:52,292 --> 00:07:56,287 - These are my roommates. - Hey. 210 00:07:56,288 --> 00:07:58,316 - Hey, uh, Katie, we're running late for dance rehearsal. - Yes. Oh. 211 00:07:58,317 --> 00:08:00,303 We're wondering if we're doing leg warmers today... 212 00:08:00,304 --> 00:08:02,282 - Leg warmers. - Oh, we are. Leg warmers? 213 00:08:02,283 --> 00:08:03,295 You guys are dancers, too? 214 00:08:03,296 --> 00:08:05,299 - Yeah, I mean, mostly Katie, - Yes, yes. 215 00:08:05,302 --> 00:08:07,291 - But yeah. - What, do we not look like dancers? 216 00:08:07,294 --> 00:08:09,312 - No, I mean... - This one's a leaper. 217 00:08:09,315 --> 00:08:11,299 - No, I knew he was gonna go there. - You're a leaper. You are. 218 00:08:11,302 --> 00:08:13,315 Yep. He is. They call him, uh, Cricket. 219 00:08:13,316 --> 00:08:15,287 - Yeah, Cricket the leaper. - Let me see you leap. 220 00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:17,274 - Cricket, show him how you leap. - I'd love to see you leap. 221 00:08:17,275 --> 00:08:19,237 Don't get self-conscious now. You've got this. 222 00:08:19,238 --> 00:08:20,291 - You've got it. - You're really 223 00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,239 getting a show here, 'cause he normally 224 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,316 doesn't do this for a private audience. 225 00:08:23,317 --> 00:08:25,282 - Do the tribal stuff. - All right. Yeah. 226 00:08:27,232 --> 00:08:29,299 - Beautiful. - Is he okay? 227 00:08:29,302 --> 00:08:31,236 I'm kind of hearing some popping. 228 00:08:31,237 --> 00:08:33,248 No, no, Look at that vert. 229 00:08:33,249 --> 00:08:34,270 - Breathtaking. - Faster. Faster. 230 00:08:34,271 --> 00:08:35,312 Grasshopper. 231 00:08:35,313 --> 00:08:37,277 And I'm done. 232 00:08:37,278 --> 00:08:38,314 All right, you know what? I'm gonna go 233 00:08:38,315 --> 00:08:40,278 to a couple brunches, maybe take a nap, 234 00:08:40,279 --> 00:08:42,219 rehydrate. Come here. 235 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,268 This is so normal. 236 00:08:45,269 --> 00:08:46,295 This isn't upsetting at all. 237 00:08:46,296 --> 00:08:48,277 Yah! 238 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,312 Oh, man. 239 00:08:50,313 --> 00:08:52,270 All right, I'm gonna text you later. 240 00:08:52,271 --> 00:08:53,291 - Yep. - And if you 241 00:08:53,292 --> 00:08:54,316 find my underwear just, uh... 242 00:08:54,317 --> 00:08:56,248 keep it. 243 00:08:56,249 --> 00:08:57,316 I got to go. 244 00:09:00,308 --> 00:09:03,257 Wow, Katie's an animal. 245 00:09:03,258 --> 00:09:05,266 - Katie's the best. - Nice. 246 00:09:05,269 --> 00:09:07,286 I love being Katie. 247 00:09:07,287 --> 00:09:09,282 - Vintage Katie. - Like an animal you are. 248 00:09:09,285 --> 00:09:12,311 Katie knows how the sausage gets made. 249 00:09:12,312 --> 00:09:14,262 - Ew. - Katie... 250 00:09:14,265 --> 00:09:17,273 Has a job, y'all. 251 00:09:17,274 --> 00:09:19,281 I think I should just stay Katie. 252 00:09:19,282 --> 00:09:21,281 Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale 253 00:09:21,282 --> 00:09:23,302 that I like to call The Nutty Professor. 254 00:09:23,303 --> 00:09:25,257 What's Katie gonna do, Nick? 255 00:09:25,258 --> 00:09:27,273 She's got some pretty dark needs. 256 00:09:27,274 --> 00:09:30,240 Well, I hope you don't like him, 'cause you're not coming back 257 00:09:30,241 --> 00:09:32,237 from, "Just kidding. My name is actually Jess." 258 00:09:36,249 --> 00:09:38,258 "Hey, I got your number from Nick. Want to hang?" 259 00:09:38,259 --> 00:09:40,232 - What's this? - I gave your number 260 00:09:40,235 --> 00:09:43,227 To the guy that you like from the bar. You asked me to. 261 00:09:43,228 --> 00:09:44,273 Oh, my God. 262 00:09:44,274 --> 00:09:45,307 I forgot. 263 00:09:45,308 --> 00:09:48,219 I've never had two guys into me before. 264 00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,249 - What's happening? - Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening. 265 00:09:50,252 --> 00:09:52,261 Okay, there comes a time 266 00:09:52,262 --> 00:09:54,265 in every person's life when... 267 00:09:54,266 --> 00:09:56,281 for no reason whatsoever 268 00:09:56,282 --> 00:09:58,247 they are irresistible to the opposite sex. 269 00:09:58,248 --> 00:09:59,308 For me, it was the third night 270 00:09:59,309 --> 00:10:01,298 of Hanukkah '96, 271 00:10:01,299 --> 00:10:04,273 which I like to refer to as The Night of the Shoshannas. 272 00:10:04,274 --> 00:10:06,274 For me, it's every time I Jet Ski. 273 00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:08,262 This is not fair. 274 00:10:08,263 --> 00:10:10,265 It is gonna take all of my game 275 00:10:10,266 --> 00:10:12,253 - to sleep with Winston's sister. - What? 276 00:10:12,256 --> 00:10:13,274 - What? - And then there's you, 277 00:10:13,277 --> 00:10:15,265 Who has this raw animal magnetism 278 00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:17,227 just dropped in her lap 279 00:10:17,228 --> 00:10:19,269 like a sack of taters. What a waste. 280 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:22,316 - I'm pretty sure it is not a waste. - Oh, it's a waste. 281 00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:24,266 Jess, look, you don't have the skill 282 00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:25,269 to juggle men. 283 00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:26,287 You wear a cardigan 284 00:10:26,288 --> 00:10:28,252 on top of another cardigan. 285 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,312 We all know you're not the best with doorknobs. 286 00:10:29,313 --> 00:10:32,248 You can barely hold one thing in each hand. 287 00:10:32,249 --> 00:10:34,245 You tripped the other day just standing there. 288 00:10:34,246 --> 00:10:36,244 What's happening? 289 00:10:36,245 --> 00:10:39,281 Okay, but Katie can juggle men. 290 00:10:39,282 --> 00:10:42,244 She's out the door before you even know 291 00:10:42,245 --> 00:10:43,287 your wallet's gone, son. 292 00:10:43,288 --> 00:10:45,253 Ooh. 293 00:10:45,256 --> 00:10:47,273 He wants to cook for me. 294 00:10:47,274 --> 00:10:49,240 Is there a hot way of saying 295 00:10:49,241 --> 00:10:51,299 I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese? 296 00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:53,273 I would say no. 297 00:10:53,274 --> 00:10:55,290 Didn't know 298 00:10:55,291 --> 00:10:57,258 this was a butter knife type of place. 299 00:10:57,259 --> 00:10:59,307 Don't worry, the team's paying. 300 00:10:59,308 --> 00:11:03,240 If anybody asks, you're the ball boy. 301 00:11:03,241 --> 00:11:05,269 Hey, Coach, put me in. 302 00:11:05,270 --> 00:11:08,220 - Schmidt. - Schmidt, what the hell are you doing here? 303 00:11:08,223 --> 00:11:10,227 Come on, move over. Hey, y'all. 304 00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:11,316 Everybody scooch, a little scoochie down. 305 00:11:11,317 --> 00:11:13,295 - Okay, teamwork. Defense. - Really? 306 00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:15,227 A lot of money that I want 307 00:11:15,228 --> 00:11:17,265 to deposit into your Tyra Banks. 308 00:11:17,266 --> 00:11:19,269 If he touches your sister, 309 00:11:19,270 --> 00:11:21,286 I'm gonna stop paying your cell phone bill. 310 00:11:21,287 --> 00:11:23,273 The L.A. Sparks. 311 00:11:23,274 --> 00:11:25,219 So many Sparks in one place, 312 00:11:25,220 --> 00:11:26,274 you're about to start the world's sexiest fire. 313 00:11:26,275 --> 00:11:28,219 Am I right? 314 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:29,287 Andy and I have been 315 00:11:29,288 --> 00:11:31,307 sending each other some pretty dirty texts. 316 00:11:31,308 --> 00:11:33,266 Come to the professor. Let me see. 317 00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:35,294 He says, "Can't stop thinking" 318 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,291 about what you're gonna wear tonight." 319 00:11:37,292 --> 00:11:39,244 How do I respond? 320 00:11:39,245 --> 00:11:41,258 - With a simple... - Mm-hmm. 321 00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:42,249 "Or not wear." 322 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,291 - Okay. - Okay? 323 00:11:43,294 --> 00:11:45,269 "Or not wear 324 00:11:45,270 --> 00:11:48,252 because sex happens naked." 325 00:11:48,253 --> 00:11:50,244 Send. 326 00:11:50,245 --> 00:11:51,308 Okay, let me help you with that. 327 00:11:51,309 --> 00:11:53,252 "Just kidding. 328 00:11:53,253 --> 00:11:56,223 Get ready for a night you will never forget." 329 00:11:56,224 --> 00:11:57,257 Okay? 330 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,286 "Because once you see my body, 331 00:11:59,287 --> 00:12:01,262 you will go brain-dead and have memory loss." 332 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:02,294 Send. 333 00:12:02,295 --> 00:12:04,236 Oh, no. 334 00:12:04,237 --> 00:12:06,277 Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar." 335 00:12:13,287 --> 00:12:15,244 Bearclaw, what are you... 336 00:12:15,245 --> 00:12:16,294 Yeah! 337 00:12:16,295 --> 00:12:18,298 Oh, you're so hot. 338 00:12:18,299 --> 00:12:21,273 Come here. 339 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:24,287 I can't wait to see your meat bar. 340 00:12:27,728 --> 00:12:30,240 That's why they call me Bearclaw. 341 00:12:30,241 --> 00:12:32,240 You did that yourself in middle school. 342 00:12:32,241 --> 00:12:34,245 See now it's retracting its claws. 343 00:12:34,246 --> 00:12:36,294 Now it's contracting its claws. 344 00:12:36,295 --> 00:12:39,315 Like, "Rrr, I'm gonna attack you in the wild." 345 00:12:39,316 --> 00:12:41,245 Oh, my God, phone's ringing. 346 00:12:41,248 --> 00:12:42,274 - Oh. - Got to take this. 347 00:12:42,275 --> 00:12:43,312 I'm so sorry, it... 348 00:12:43,313 --> 00:12:45,258 - No, no, no, I... - It's very important. 349 00:12:45,259 --> 00:12:46,251 I'll just be cooking. 350 00:12:46,252 --> 00:12:47,295 I love cooking. 351 00:12:47,296 --> 00:12:50,273 It's my only outlet. 352 00:12:50,274 --> 00:12:52,231 Nick, Nick. 353 00:12:52,232 --> 00:12:54,290 You gave my number to the wrong guy. 354 00:12:54,291 --> 00:12:57,249 - Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to? - Andy. 355 00:12:57,252 --> 00:12:59,302 Andy is so boring. 356 00:12:59,303 --> 00:13:02,240 Bearclaw just told me a ten minute joke about squirrels 357 00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,257 with the punch line, "eat these nuts." 358 00:13:04,258 --> 00:13:06,273 Seriously, he is so awesome. 359 00:13:06,274 --> 00:13:08,251 Nick, I don't want to hurt his feelings. 360 00:13:08,252 --> 00:13:09,303 Tell me what to do 361 00:13:09,304 --> 00:13:12,231 because you got me into this mess; this is your fault. 362 00:13:12,232 --> 00:13:14,236 This is not my fault. I just wanted you 363 00:13:14,237 --> 00:13:16,261 to stop cleaning the kitchen so much, Jess. 364 00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,312 Oh, my God. 365 00:13:18,315 --> 00:13:20,257 Who's Katie? 366 00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,236 I'm Katie. 367 00:13:22,237 --> 00:13:24,291 What is happening? 368 00:13:26,253 --> 00:13:29,253 - Hey, mama bear. - Hey. 369 00:13:29,256 --> 00:13:30,281 Yeah. 370 00:13:30,282 --> 00:13:31,312 Can I tell you some... thing? 371 00:13:31,313 --> 00:13:32,315 Me first. 372 00:13:32,316 --> 00:13:34,269 Um, when Nick... 373 00:13:34,270 --> 00:13:37,252 When Nick told me that you wanted my number, 374 00:13:37,253 --> 00:13:38,287 I was all like... 375 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,312 And then I was like, 376 00:13:41,313 --> 00:13:44,219 Nick, this might be the best thing 377 00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,252 that ever happened to me. 378 00:13:46,253 --> 00:13:47,315 Now you go. 379 00:13:47,316 --> 00:13:49,269 Um... 380 00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:53,220 what I was gonna say was, um... 381 00:13:55,232 --> 00:13:57,236 You're... 382 00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,248 an old soul. 383 00:13:59,249 --> 00:14:00,274 Hey, I wanted... 384 00:14:00,275 --> 00:14:02,261 I wanted to tell you. 385 00:14:02,262 --> 00:14:04,257 When I, uh, 386 00:14:04,258 --> 00:14:06,223 I got your text from before, 387 00:14:06,224 --> 00:14:10,219 and I have figured out my sex character. 388 00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:12,316 And it's Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers. 389 00:14:16,278 --> 00:14:18,237 Hey, if we... if we make love later, 390 00:14:18,238 --> 00:14:22,277 and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost, 391 00:14:23,278 --> 00:14:25,261 are you gonna be weirded out by that? 392 00:14:25,262 --> 00:14:27,294 Bearclaw, I'm sick. 393 00:14:27,295 --> 00:14:29,223 Oh. 394 00:14:29,224 --> 00:14:31,270 - In my... face. - Oh, no, um, 395 00:14:31,273 --> 00:14:33,277 I've got an anal thermometer in my bag. 396 00:14:33,278 --> 00:14:35,241 I'm really good at telling myself, 397 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,302 and I think that I'm... I feel very feverish. 398 00:14:37,303 --> 00:14:39,316 - I don't think I need the thermometer. - Oh, yeah. 399 00:14:39,319 --> 00:14:41,219 No, you do feel hot. 400 00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:42,290 Yeah. 401 00:14:42,291 --> 00:14:45,261 Now you feel even hotter. 402 00:14:45,262 --> 00:14:47,248 Alisha, have a drink with me. 403 00:14:47,249 --> 00:14:49,231 Schmidt, 404 00:14:49,232 --> 00:14:51,302 I only go out with guys who play basketball. 405 00:14:51,303 --> 00:14:53,231 Well, let's play for it. 406 00:14:53,232 --> 00:14:54,278 I win, you have a drink with me. 407 00:14:54,279 --> 00:14:56,231 You win, I take you to brunch. 408 00:14:56,232 --> 00:14:57,302 Shoot me. 409 00:14:57,303 --> 00:15:00,244 Schmidt, I'm a professional basketball player. 410 00:15:00,245 --> 00:15:03,219 Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in marketing that wants to give it to you. 411 00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:04,306 We both have jobs; Get over it. 412 00:15:04,307 --> 00:15:06,258 Do I ever finish writing my zombie book? 413 00:15:06,259 --> 00:15:08,227 Z is for Zombie? 414 00:15:08,228 --> 00:15:10,240 Great title. 415 00:15:10,241 --> 00:15:12,236 Do we ever get rich and famous? 416 00:15:12,237 --> 00:15:14,244 Three words: 417 00:15:14,245 --> 00:15:17,244 Hot, air, balloon. 418 00:15:17,245 --> 00:15:19,236 Do we invent them? 419 00:15:19,237 --> 00:15:21,295 No, they've been invented. 420 00:15:22,487 --> 00:15:23,486 Jess or Katie? 421 00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:24,495 Not now, Nicks. 422 00:15:24,496 --> 00:15:27,490 Hey, tell her you're sorry. 423 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,549 - What for? - You'll find out. 424 00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:31,473 I mean, I'm sure I did something stupid, 425 00:15:31,474 --> 00:15:32,499 but what did I do? 426 00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,494 You just tell her you're sorry. 427 00:15:34,495 --> 00:15:35,489 What did I do? 428 00:15:35,490 --> 00:15:36,532 You did something stupid. 429 00:15:36,533 --> 00:15:38,469 So tell her you're sorry. 430 00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:40,481 Now I know why people get annoyed with me. 431 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:41,503 It's hard to talk to us. 432 00:15:46,495 --> 00:15:48,531 Hey, you know, I can't believe she asked Nick 433 00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:50,540 for your number and then... 434 00:15:50,541 --> 00:15:52,473 Yeah, yeah, you know what, man? 435 00:15:52,474 --> 00:15:53,566 We-We're perfect together. 436 00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:56,565 It's like I finally found my lady bear. 437 00:15:56,566 --> 00:15:58,565 See, I felt like we had a connection, too. 438 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:01,515 You know, I don't know if you ever get that feeling like, 439 00:16:01,516 --> 00:16:03,532 I don't know, like maybe I could marry this woman. 440 00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:05,490 Oh, God. 441 00:16:05,491 --> 00:16:07,558 Is there a woman in that bathroom 442 00:16:07,561 --> 00:16:09,477 being harmed? 443 00:16:09,478 --> 00:16:10,511 No. 444 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,489 I don't buy it. Get out of the way. 445 00:16:12,490 --> 00:16:13,558 I was trained for this. 446 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,482 Now you're gonna get the Bearcl... 447 00:16:17,483 --> 00:16:18,494 Jess? 448 00:16:18,495 --> 00:16:19,494 Hi, Bearclaw. 449 00:16:19,495 --> 00:16:20,516 I thought you were sick. 450 00:16:20,517 --> 00:16:22,527 I'm feeling better. 451 00:16:22,528 --> 00:16:24,502 Why are you... if you're sick, 452 00:16:24,503 --> 00:16:28,494 why are nothing but your breasts covered, Jess? 453 00:16:28,495 --> 00:16:30,523 Are you a doctor, is that why? 454 00:16:30,524 --> 00:16:32,536 Are you a doc... is he a doctor? 455 00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:34,516 - Do you know these guys, Katie? - Who's Katie? 456 00:16:34,519 --> 00:16:36,557 What is going on in... Jess? 457 00:16:36,558 --> 00:16:38,558 - No, Nick. - I... Katie? 458 00:16:38,561 --> 00:16:42,478 What is happening? 459 00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:46,565 Liar! You... 460 00:16:46,566 --> 00:16:48,486 Liar! 461 00:16:48,487 --> 00:16:50,536 I'm sorry, Bearclaw, but I meant Nick 462 00:16:50,537 --> 00:16:52,469 to give my number to Andy. 463 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,514 Silver lining, you have a huge fan in Nick. 464 00:16:53,515 --> 00:16:55,485 She's not good enough for you, Bearclaw. 465 00:16:55,486 --> 00:16:56,530 None of these people are good enough for you. 466 00:16:56,531 --> 00:16:57,553 And, Sam, I'm sorry I stole you 467 00:16:57,554 --> 00:17:00,490 from real Katie, but ugh, look at you. 468 00:17:00,491 --> 00:17:01,532 - He's so handsome. - Very handsome. 469 00:17:01,533 --> 00:17:02,530 I'm only human. 470 00:17:02,531 --> 00:17:03,539 You know what, Bearclaw? 471 00:17:03,540 --> 00:17:04,553 I would have take you to the bathroom, 472 00:17:04,554 --> 00:17:05,562 - big guy. - He would've. 473 00:17:05,565 --> 00:17:07,486 You guys are terrible people. 474 00:17:07,487 --> 00:17:09,478 - I want to die. - Hey, hold on a second. 475 00:17:09,479 --> 00:17:11,476 Everyone just calm down. Are you really a dancer? 476 00:17:11,477 --> 00:17:12,549 - Are you an idiot, Sam? - Yes! 477 00:17:12,552 --> 00:17:14,531 Did I tell a lie? I did. 478 00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:16,490 But in my defense, 479 00:17:16,491 --> 00:17:18,473 I'm off the grid. 480 00:17:18,474 --> 00:17:19,532 We're all off the grid. Hey, hey, 481 00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:21,469 we are all off the grid. 482 00:17:21,470 --> 00:17:23,553 Every single one of us, especially you, handsome. 483 00:17:23,554 --> 00:17:25,553 - I loved you! - I think that's 484 00:17:25,556 --> 00:17:27,477 a little bit of an exaggeration. 485 00:17:27,478 --> 00:17:29,468 You're gonna tell him how he feels after everything 486 00:17:29,469 --> 00:17:30,537 - you've just done? - Why don't you shut up, Andy? 487 00:17:30,540 --> 00:17:32,541 - Yeah, shut up, Andy. - What is this, recess? Come on. 488 00:17:32,544 --> 00:17:34,541 - Shut up. - Shut up. - Shut up, Andy! 489 00:17:34,544 --> 00:17:36,516 Nick. 490 00:17:38,470 --> 00:17:39,473 It's time. 491 00:17:39,474 --> 00:17:40,561 Good-bye. 492 00:17:40,562 --> 00:17:42,490 No, no, Nick. 493 00:17:42,491 --> 00:17:43,516 Old Nick, don't go! 494 00:17:43,517 --> 00:17:45,491 Nick! 495 00:17:45,494 --> 00:17:46,527 Nick, wait. 496 00:17:46,528 --> 00:17:48,473 Please. 497 00:17:48,474 --> 00:17:50,502 There's so much more I need to ask you. 498 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,543 I got to get back. 499 00:17:51,544 --> 00:17:53,506 Why do I need to apologize to Jess? 500 00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:54,528 What did I do wrong? 501 00:17:56,532 --> 00:17:59,469 Make her an old-fashioned. 502 00:18:09,553 --> 00:18:11,557 Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep. 503 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:14,490 Beep, boop, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. 504 00:18:14,491 --> 00:18:17,473 Beep, beep, boop, beep, ba, ba, ba, beep. 505 00:18:17,474 --> 00:18:18,491 Beep, beep, boop, boop, boo. 506 00:18:22,516 --> 00:18:23,562 I believed you. 507 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,507 Olde England. 508 00:18:26,508 --> 00:18:29,552 Have a good trip, man. 509 00:18:29,553 --> 00:18:31,537 - When I was a kid, - Yeah. 510 00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:33,473 Watching MTV, 511 00:18:33,474 --> 00:18:35,515 I thought that if I played my cards right, 512 00:18:35,516 --> 00:18:37,485 I could grow up to be Jenny McCarthy. 513 00:18:37,486 --> 00:18:38,547 Jenny McCarthy? You? 514 00:18:38,548 --> 00:18:39,558 Don't make that face. 515 00:18:39,559 --> 00:18:41,531 She was so beautiful 516 00:18:41,532 --> 00:18:43,565 with all that swearing, but you know what? 517 00:18:43,566 --> 00:18:45,511 I'm not Jenny McCarthy. 518 00:18:45,512 --> 00:18:47,469 I know that now. 519 00:18:47,470 --> 00:18:48,558 - I'm back on the grid, Nick. - You know, 520 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,507 I always wanted to be Kurt Loder. 521 00:18:50,508 --> 00:18:52,519 Kurt Loder? He never even went to 522 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,469 the Spring Break House. He was stuck in New York, talking to Pearl Jam. 523 00:18:55,470 --> 00:18:57,507 He is the elder statesman of our generation. 524 00:18:57,508 --> 00:18:59,499 Why are you making me a drink? You never bring work home. 525 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,499 All right, this is gonna sound really weird, 526 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:04,557 but in the future I might do something really bad to you, 527 00:19:04,558 --> 00:19:05,562 and I hope you'll forgive me. 528 00:19:07,495 --> 00:19:09,515 Do you like old-fashioneds, Jess? 529 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:11,519 I've actually always wanted to try one. 530 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:12,553 How did you know? 531 00:19:21,553 --> 00:19:22,498 What are you gonna do to me? 532 00:19:22,999 --> 00:19:23,852 I don't know. 533 00:19:24,553 --> 00:19:25,919 But it could be bad. 534 00:19:26,820 --> 00:19:29,557 Like me getting drunk and peeing in your closet 535 00:19:29,558 --> 00:19:30,523 on all your pretty dresses. 536 00:19:33,512 --> 00:19:34,869 I forgive you. 537 00:19:37,558 --> 00:19:39,558 Imagine all that pee on your pretty dresses, Jess. 538 00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,261 I still forgive you. 539 00:19:42,262 --> 00:19:44,265 Hey. 540 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,227 Sam, hi. 541 00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:47,261 Katie? 542 00:19:47,262 --> 00:19:49,219 Not Katie. 543 00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:52,281 Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to come over here unannounced. 544 00:19:52,282 --> 00:19:56,240 I didn't... I just wanted to tell you 545 00:19:56,241 --> 00:20:00,244 that I don't... I don't care that you lied to me. 546 00:20:00,245 --> 00:20:02,261 I lied, too. Half my profile is a lie. 547 00:20:02,262 --> 00:20:06,223 I am not a shy food blogger 548 00:20:06,224 --> 00:20:10,223 who wants a destination wedding in Scotland, okay? 549 00:20:10,224 --> 00:20:12,265 I don't open up the more you get to know me. 550 00:20:12,266 --> 00:20:14,222 I mean, I, you know, Internet date 551 00:20:14,223 --> 00:20:16,312 so I don't have to sleep with people I work with. 552 00:20:16,313 --> 00:20:18,261 I do like Creed, though. 553 00:20:18,262 --> 00:20:19,302 I hate Creed. 554 00:20:19,303 --> 00:20:22,248 I don't care what you like 555 00:20:22,249 --> 00:20:24,248 or what your name is, 556 00:20:24,249 --> 00:20:27,257 or... anything about you. 557 00:20:27,258 --> 00:20:28,316 And the good news is you don't have 558 00:20:28,317 --> 00:20:31,277 to care about me either. 559 00:20:31,278 --> 00:20:35,244 And we can still tear each other apart. 560 00:20:35,245 --> 00:20:37,265 What do you think? 561 00:20:37,266 --> 00:20:39,236 You know what? 562 00:20:39,237 --> 00:20:40,293 I'm gonna say yes, I think. 563 00:20:40,294 --> 00:20:41,316 Yeah, let's do this. 564 00:20:41,317 --> 00:20:43,294 Um... 565 00:20:43,295 --> 00:20:47,302 Do we start now or later 566 00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:50,282 or now? 567 00:20:54,258 --> 00:20:56,281 Congratulations. I see you've met the one. 568 00:20:56,282 --> 00:20:58,266 Watch out for the wall. 569 00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:24,290 You ready, ma? 570 00:21:25,291 --> 00:21:28,277 'Cause I'm about to dribble this hard 571 00:21:28,978 --> 00:21:31,286 all the way to the hole. 572 00:21:31,287 --> 00:21:32,291 Come on, Schmidty. 573 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,291 All right, let's do this. Come on, ma. 574 00:21:35,792 --> 00:21:40,291 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com