1 00:00:02,796 --> 00:00:06,174 Hey, Mr. Belvedere, there's two guys outside with a giant box, 2 00:00:06,235 --> 00:00:08,246 and it's got "happy birthday" written all over it. 3 00:00:08,879 --> 00:00:09,863 There it is. 4 00:00:09,946 --> 00:00:11,028 Hey, guys. 5 00:00:11,229 --> 00:00:13,265 Pay up, gentlemen. She's sitting on the couch. 6 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:14,098 Yeah, right, you won. 7 00:00:14,129 --> 00:00:15,248 - Let me get a four. - Mm-hmm. 8 00:00:15,262 --> 00:00:17,246 TGIF marathon tonight. 9 00:00:17,298 --> 00:00:18,993 - What? - I can't take this any more. 10 00:00:19,048 --> 00:00:20,280 What is happening? 11 00:00:20,317 --> 00:00:21,794 I've actually been working on something. 12 00:00:21,852 --> 00:00:24,399 A résumé, maybe? 13 00:00:27,074 --> 00:00:29,931 Did I do that? 14 00:00:31,411 --> 00:00:33,211 I'm sorry. Did you just say you were working on that? 15 00:00:33,245 --> 00:00:35,358 - It's Urkel! - Urkel? 16 00:00:35,486 --> 00:00:36,771 Urkel. 17 00:00:36,796 --> 00:00:38,140 Urkel, Jess? 18 00:00:38,165 --> 00:00:39,821 - It's funny. - Okay, look, 19 00:00:39,852 --> 00:00:42,969 It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day. 20 00:00:42,994 --> 00:00:44,082 - No, it is not. - No, it's not. 21 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:45,332 - But Urkel? - Come on. 22 00:00:45,358 --> 00:00:47,465 Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel. 23 00:00:47,483 --> 00:00:50,204 Guys, that's crazy. This is objectively hilarious. 24 00:00:50,266 --> 00:00:53,279 - I can do any character from an '80s sitcom. Quiz me. - No. 25 00:00:53,359 --> 00:00:57,094 Oh, Alf, don't eat the cat! 26 00:00:57,512 --> 00:01:01,742 Get out of the city, Cousin Larry Appleton. 27 00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:04,803 - I'm Frasier Crane. - No! 28 00:01:05,049 --> 00:01:07,837 Jess, the men in suits here, the professionals, 29 00:01:07,856 --> 00:01:09,919 - would like to know what the plan is. - I'm a professional, too, pal. 30 00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:11,083 You're not. Please, you work in a bar. 31 00:01:11,110 --> 00:01:12,528 It's a whole different thing. I respect you. Just, please. 32 00:01:12,546 --> 00:01:15,440 I don't know what the plan is, Schmidt, 33 00:01:16,095 --> 00:01:18,534 but I love working at the Casserole Shanty. 34 00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:20,637 Today I got a locker, and in 18 months, 35 00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:22,975 I'm gonna roll into some sweet dental coverage. 36 00:01:23,005 --> 00:01:25,002 So, yeah, my job pretty much rules. 37 00:01:26,312 --> 00:01:28,425 Low on bean! Low on bean! 38 00:01:28,457 --> 00:01:31,469 I'm low on bean! 39 00:01:31,903 --> 00:01:33,609 I'm good on bean! 40 00:01:33,644 --> 00:01:35,522 Would you like to know what I did at my job all day today? 41 00:01:35,540 --> 00:01:37,501 - Don't say "crushed it." - I'm gonna go with "crushed it." 42 00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:39,466 Funny enough, uh, I crushed it. 43 00:01:39,511 --> 00:01:42,572 I crushed it all day today, and then I crushed it some more. 44 00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:43,824 And then it asked me what I was doing, 45 00:01:43,855 --> 00:01:46,030 and I told it that I was crushing it. 46 00:01:46,104 --> 00:01:48,773 That's what I do on a daily basis, Jess. 47 00:01:48,815 --> 00:01:50,521 You used to inspire me. 48 00:01:50,558 --> 00:01:52,290 I mean, not specifically— 49 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,590 because I find teaching to be icky— but, you know, 50 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,631 in a vague kind of "Look at that go-getter in a... 51 00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:58,525 in a brightly colored sweater" kind of way. 52 00:01:58,549 --> 00:02:01,563 What happened to the inspiring, visor-less Jess? 53 00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,492 Hey, maybe that's her. 54 00:02:05,366 --> 00:02:08,259 Hey, we just moved in across the hall. 55 00:02:08,303 --> 00:02:09,835 I'm Chaz. 56 00:02:09,956 --> 00:02:12,112 This is Fife, Sutton and Brorie. 57 00:02:12,159 --> 00:02:13,680 What's up? Schmidt. 58 00:02:17,091 --> 00:02:19,131 Any-turds, just wanted to give you a heads up 59 00:02:19,156 --> 00:02:21,160 that we're having some people over to hang tonight 60 00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:23,645 - and it might get a little loud. - I like where your head is at. 61 00:02:23,669 --> 00:02:25,339 We're gonna be there with bells on. 62 00:02:25,368 --> 00:02:27,417 Dolla-dolla bells, y'all. 63 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,603 Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people. 64 00:02:34,957 --> 00:02:35,851 So... 65 00:02:35,882 --> 00:02:37,957 Hi. I live here, too. 66 00:02:37,995 --> 00:02:39,660 What are you names? Schmidt! 67 00:02:44,574 --> 00:02:45,916 So, when he said, 68 00:02:45,995 --> 00:02:48,022 "It's just going to be a bunch of young people," 69 00:02:48,673 --> 00:02:50,192 well, he must have meant, "You," 70 00:02:50,223 --> 00:02:52,854 meaning me, fellow young person, 71 00:02:52,885 --> 00:02:53,913 "You'll feel right at home. 72 00:02:53,944 --> 00:02:57,229 And you two walking corpses, stay away." 73 00:02:57,266 --> 00:02:59,560 You're six months younger than me, Schmidt. 74 00:02:59,589 --> 00:03:01,588 - You're a corpse for sure. - Behold. 75 00:03:01,985 --> 00:03:05,266 This actuarial table stops at age 99. 76 00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:07,259 But if you track my current trajectory, 77 00:03:07,304 --> 00:03:10,161 I'm clearly gonna live till I'm 123 years old, so... 78 00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,369 Hello, robot sex. 79 00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:13,386 Is this accurate? 80 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,930 No, no, no, Winston, I spend $49.95 a month 81 00:03:15,948 --> 00:03:17,961 on a subscription to an inaccurate 82 00:03:17,987 --> 00:03:19,693 real-time actuarial service. 83 00:03:19,712 --> 00:03:21,368 Then I think I may have died four years ago. 84 00:03:21,392 --> 00:03:23,071 Oh, yeah? That sucks. 85 00:03:23,108 --> 00:03:28,465 "African-American male, 67 years"? 86 00:03:28,506 --> 00:03:29,355 Sounds about right. 87 00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:30,884 "Minus one year if you frequently question 88 00:03:30,908 --> 00:03:32,334 your career choice." Check. 89 00:03:32,358 --> 00:03:34,047 "Minus one year if your chosen field offers 90 00:03:34,073 --> 00:03:36,001 few opportunities for advancement." 91 00:03:36,038 --> 00:03:37,677 Check and double check. 92 00:03:37,709 --> 00:03:39,016 I like getting older. 93 00:03:39,047 --> 00:03:41,822 I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality. 94 00:03:45,283 --> 00:03:47,861 Keep this crap out of my yard! 95 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,948 And turn that nonsense down! 96 00:03:52,823 --> 00:03:55,148 They never did get that Frisbee back. 97 00:03:55,217 --> 00:03:57,954 - I used that Frisbee as a dish. Seriously? 98 00:03:57,997 --> 00:04:00,503 - I used it for pistachios in my room. - Not only am I the 99 00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:03,266 youngest person in this loft, I'm also the most successful. 100 00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:05,974 - Oh! Shut up, Schmidt. - Are you honestly measuring yourself like a little boy? 101 00:04:05,999 --> 00:04:08,136 I'm sorry that you're not growing any more like me. 102 00:04:08,161 --> 00:04:10,024 And apparently, I'm gonna be growing forever. 103 00:04:10,062 --> 00:04:12,630 I'm like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan. 104 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,843 Petter Pan. Pesach Pan. 105 00:04:14,861 --> 00:04:17,043 Why don't you take it down a notch before this old man 106 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,723 takes you outside and makes you pick a switch? 107 00:04:18,738 --> 00:04:21,556 - I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS. - And as your elder, 108 00:04:21,575 --> 00:04:24,156 - Can I give you a little advice, Schmidt? Can we talk for a sec? - Sure. Yes, yes. 109 00:04:24,174 --> 00:04:27,518 - 'Cause you've kind of gotten under my skin a little bit. - Shoot, Gran Torino. 110 00:04:34,521 --> 00:04:36,327 I'm gonna die so soon. 111 00:04:37,164 --> 00:04:39,129 Do you think that the neighbors will want, like, 112 00:04:39,161 --> 00:04:40,521 four individual casseroles 113 00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:42,509 or, like, one large party-size casserole? 114 00:04:42,536 --> 00:04:43,861 Yes, Jess, that's exactly 115 00:04:43,879 --> 00:04:46,666 what hip, trendy millennials casserole. 116 00:04:46,688 --> 00:04:49,065 Now come on, guys, just tighten up, all right? 117 00:04:49,119 --> 00:04:52,048 - Think young. What the hell is that smell? - It's Old Spice. 118 00:04:52,076 --> 00:04:53,658 - I'm smelling Old Spice? - Yeah, and yes, 119 00:04:53,689 --> 00:04:55,769 It has "Old" in the title, and yes, it's all over my body. 120 00:04:55,787 --> 00:04:57,760 - Okay, well, take it off. - I'm wearing the Spice. The Spice is cool. 121 00:04:57,779 --> 00:04:59,535 It's not even a real spice, man. Take it off. 122 00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,891 The Spice is coming back! Everybody knows it! 123 00:05:00,914 --> 00:05:02,027 The guy on the horse! 124 00:05:02,050 --> 00:05:03,313 You can wear any spice. Don't wear Old Spice! 125 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,901 Classic cologne fight. 126 00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,491 - Guys! - Shh! 127 00:05:09,551 --> 00:05:10,908 Hi. 128 00:05:11,284 --> 00:05:13,347 Zander and Raj went to Pate's thing, 129 00:05:13,417 --> 00:05:15,655 so tonight's been notched down to a "chill hang." 130 00:05:15,702 --> 00:05:17,633 Cool. 131 00:05:17,978 --> 00:05:19,429 - I'll just put these... - Oh. 132 00:05:19,491 --> 00:05:21,416 Thanks for having us. 133 00:05:22,382 --> 00:05:23,927 No, can't do this. 134 00:05:23,966 --> 00:05:25,916 - What is up? - Have fun, kids. 135 00:05:26,019 --> 00:05:27,763 Party hip-hop. What's going on, kids? 136 00:05:27,796 --> 00:05:29,002 Let's party. 137 00:05:29,369 --> 00:05:31,000 What are you guys doing, huh? What is that? 138 00:05:31,057 --> 00:05:33,088 Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that. 139 00:05:33,113 --> 00:05:35,264 Look at Anthony Eds, the "Goose" man. 140 00:05:35,282 --> 00:05:37,798 Unbelievable that he dies in a few scenes. 141 00:05:37,819 --> 00:05:38,839 Goose dies? 142 00:05:38,859 --> 00:05:40,820 Not cool, man. 143 00:05:40,921 --> 00:05:42,674 No, it's... Look, nobody does an onscreen death 144 00:05:42,698 --> 00:05:43,955 like Anthony Eds. 145 00:05:43,980 --> 00:05:46,262 He's like the Hilary Swank of bald men. 146 00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:48,835 He's like the Hilary Swank of bald... 147 00:05:48,869 --> 00:05:50,283 Hold everything. 148 00:05:50,407 --> 00:05:51,952 Is that Cass Shant? 149 00:05:51,983 --> 00:05:54,314 Casserole Shanty? That's where I work. 150 00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:56,841 Your chicken-broccoli totally fuels my night bikes. 151 00:05:57,010 --> 00:05:58,641 I'm very happy to help. 152 00:05:58,678 --> 00:06:01,858 - Some of my friends don't appreciate it. - No. 153 00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:03,878 You're just figuring it out, just like us. 154 00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:05,322 - Yeah. - Yeah. 155 00:06:05,347 --> 00:06:07,180 I am figuring it out. 156 00:06:07,308 --> 00:06:08,864 Thank you, Brorie. I am. 157 00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:11,609 I'm just figuring it out, and that's okay. 158 00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:12,860 What do you guys do? 159 00:06:12,891 --> 00:06:14,034 - I work at home. - I'm a DJ. - Well... 160 00:06:14,054 --> 00:06:15,322 Was I unclear about my night bikes? 161 00:06:15,352 --> 00:06:17,848 I work for a single-national corporation 162 00:06:17,873 --> 00:06:20,011 called Associated Strategies. 163 00:06:20,045 --> 00:06:21,031 Moo... 164 00:06:22,025 --> 00:06:23,053 - Oh, moo... - I know. Yeah. 165 00:06:23,054 --> 00:06:25,538 Totally, Fife. I get that. 166 00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:27,624 Moo... 167 00:06:27,651 --> 00:06:31,433 Moo...! 168 00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:33,443 Right? That's a thing, right? 169 00:06:33,471 --> 00:06:34,596 Yeah? Moo? 170 00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:36,740 Schmidt, you don't know... 171 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,813 Jess. 172 00:06:40,664 --> 00:06:44,089 Did I do that? 173 00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:49,853 How did you just come up with that? 174 00:06:49,874 --> 00:06:50,886 Where did you get that? 175 00:06:50,925 --> 00:06:51,934 It just came to me. 176 00:06:52,022 --> 00:06:53,974 Where did that come from? 177 00:06:54,007 --> 00:06:55,028 I just thought of it. 178 00:06:55,379 --> 00:06:57,179 That's how she casseroles! 179 00:06:57,213 --> 00:06:59,192 What? 180 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,375 Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop. 181 00:07:07,482 --> 00:07:09,206 You missed an unreal hang last night. 182 00:07:09,231 --> 00:07:10,981 Unreal with a capital "uh." 183 00:07:11,017 --> 00:07:11,742 Really? 184 00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:14,425 Those kids with the found furniture 185 00:07:14,456 --> 00:07:16,458 and no TV because it's cool? 186 00:07:16,533 --> 00:07:17,944 It's a different world over there. 187 00:07:17,993 --> 00:07:20,704 A world where it's okay to only have a part-time job. 188 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:23,328 A world where it's okay that I'm still finding myself. 189 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:26,897 A world where I have not one, but two catchphrases. 190 00:07:28,121 --> 00:07:30,073 $500. 191 00:07:30,446 --> 00:07:31,941 How rude! 192 00:07:33,604 --> 00:07:34,887 How rude! 193 00:07:35,471 --> 00:07:36,886 Just take it! 194 00:07:36,943 --> 00:07:38,543 They think I made those up. 195 00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:41,108 There's just one tiny hitch. 196 00:07:42,557 --> 00:07:44,285 It's very awkward, and I don't know how to say it... 197 00:07:44,304 --> 00:07:45,160 They hate Schmidt. 198 00:07:45,192 --> 00:07:47,479 So much. How did you know? 199 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,060 If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn't hang out with 200 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,201 because they hated Schmidt, I'd be rich. 201 00:07:52,296 --> 00:07:55,578 Like, fill my gas tank all the way up rich. 202 00:07:55,603 --> 00:07:57,360 He was all over the map. 203 00:07:57,414 --> 00:07:59,728 He spent 20 minutes talking about aioli. 204 00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:01,193 Don't worry about it. I'm on it. 205 00:08:01,218 --> 00:08:02,788 What do you mean, you're on it? 206 00:08:03,411 --> 00:08:05,501 You're gonna prank him, aren't you? I-I knew it! 207 00:08:05,532 --> 00:08:06,976 I knew it! You're gonna prank him. Hey, 208 00:08:07,062 --> 00:08:08,782 can I help you? I'm really good with pranks? 209 00:08:08,819 --> 00:08:09,987 You may not help with the pranks. 210 00:08:10,018 --> 00:08:11,695 Why not, man? I'm the best with the pranks, man. 211 00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:14,596 - They call me "Prank Sinatra." - No, you call you Prank Sinatra. 212 00:08:14,621 --> 00:08:16,580 - Oh, come... 'Cause I am. - Winston, you're the worst 213 00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:17,675 at pranks in the whole world. 214 00:08:17,712 --> 00:08:19,194 - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are! 215 00:08:19,262 --> 00:08:21,454 You either go way too small... 216 00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:23,562 Hey. 217 00:08:23,638 --> 00:08:26,373 Let's pour a little juice near her shoe. 218 00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:28,319 Or you go way too big. 219 00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:32,609 Hey, let's hit her in the throat with a ski. 220 00:08:33,127 --> 00:08:35,669 You don't have a pranking sweet spot. 221 00:08:36,813 --> 00:08:38,275 Speaking of... 222 00:08:40,232 --> 00:08:42,044 - Are you limping? - My hip is achy. 223 00:08:42,077 --> 00:08:44,518 I wonder if it's your shoes. Did you try different shoes? 224 00:08:44,551 --> 00:08:46,407 I try on four different pairs of shoes with every outfit, 225 00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,416 rain or shine. You know that. 226 00:08:48,677 --> 00:08:49,697 What did you do? 227 00:08:49,854 --> 00:08:51,845 Well, he could try on 100 different pairs. 228 00:08:51,877 --> 00:08:53,360 It's not going to matter. 229 00:08:53,529 --> 00:08:55,954 The left heel is an eighth of an inch shorter 230 00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,011 on every single pair. 231 00:08:58,717 --> 00:09:00,480 This is so crazy, Nick. 232 00:09:00,511 --> 00:09:02,046 Oh, my God, you know what we should do? 233 00:09:02,077 --> 00:09:03,628 We should take those shavings, 234 00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:06,710 and then sprinkle them by his car. 235 00:09:07,205 --> 00:09:08,558 Let me just get this clear. 236 00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:10,554 - Take the little bit of dust - Yeah, 'cause... 237 00:09:10,615 --> 00:09:14,415 - And go outside and put it near his car? - Yes. 238 00:09:14,451 --> 00:09:15,981 - That's not a prank. - Yes, it is. 239 00:09:16,035 --> 00:09:17,201 That's just kind of littering. 240 00:09:17,232 --> 00:09:18,832 - His whole ride to work, - Okay, you're done. 241 00:09:18,863 --> 00:09:20,801 He'd be thinking, like, "What?" 242 00:09:20,959 --> 00:09:21,992 So we're pranking him 243 00:09:22,005 --> 00:09:24,884 so he thinks while we're not around, "What?" 244 00:09:25,234 --> 00:09:26,409 It's too small. 245 00:09:26,453 --> 00:09:28,250 You've got to go bigger than that. 246 00:09:28,275 --> 00:09:29,346 Well, anyway, 247 00:09:29,383 --> 00:09:31,742 - I got to fill this up with pee. - Ew! Why? 248 00:09:31,761 --> 00:09:33,276 So I can pour it all over Schmidt's bed 249 00:09:33,301 --> 00:09:34,722 and make him think he's incontinent. 250 00:09:34,759 --> 00:09:35,953 That's disgusting, Nick. 251 00:09:35,981 --> 00:09:38,975 Hey, sometimes up close, art is ugly. 252 00:09:40,401 --> 00:09:41,396 I got an idea. 253 00:09:41,422 --> 00:09:44,247 Instead of urine, we use acid. 254 00:09:44,285 --> 00:09:46,422 And put it on his face! 255 00:09:46,474 --> 00:09:48,445 All right? 256 00:09:50,817 --> 00:09:52,811 Jess, do these pants seem long to you? 257 00:09:52,837 --> 00:09:54,992 Nick picked them up from the dry cleaner for me today, 258 00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:57,525 and I don't know, I swear they seem longer. 259 00:09:57,562 --> 00:09:59,044 I think your pants look fine. 260 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,269 Okay, Jess, tonight, you're obviously gonna want 261 00:10:01,312 --> 00:10:02,119 to follow my lead. 262 00:10:02,152 --> 00:10:03,810 I don't know how to tell you this... 263 00:10:03,841 --> 00:10:07,091 Um, they hate you. 264 00:10:07,142 --> 00:10:07,998 That's crazy. 265 00:10:08,036 --> 00:10:11,340 It is crazy... how much they hate you. 266 00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:13,001 Watch. Every time you say something, 267 00:10:13,049 --> 00:10:15,014 they're gonna change the subject immediately. 268 00:10:15,059 --> 00:10:16,797 That's how you tell if people hate you. 269 00:10:16,828 --> 00:10:18,818 I'm pretty sure I know how to crush it with the kids. 270 00:10:20,885 --> 00:10:22,000 Watch this. 271 00:10:22,023 --> 00:10:23,031 Hey, guys. 272 00:10:23,901 --> 00:10:24,948 What up, yo? 273 00:10:25,050 --> 00:10:27,076 Throw your damn hands up. We hanging out tonight? 274 00:10:27,962 --> 00:10:29,338 Jess, I love your hair. 275 00:10:29,357 --> 00:10:30,810 - It is so good today. - Yeah! 276 00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,001 Thank you! 277 00:10:32,028 --> 00:10:33,778 - Flowy. - Yes. - Really curly. 278 00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,041 What do you guys think about the length 279 00:10:35,071 --> 00:10:38,016 of my sideburns? It's new. Daring or gauche? 280 00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:41,967 I got my plane ticket home for Easter. 281 00:10:41,995 --> 00:10:43,267 Thank you for reminding me, Jess. 282 00:10:43,295 --> 00:10:44,497 Yeah. No, of course. 283 00:10:44,515 --> 00:10:46,003 I've got, like, a little calendar thing. 284 00:10:46,033 --> 00:10:47,998 You know, I've got a great, um... 285 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:52,403 I've got a great plane ticket guy that you... 286 00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:54,270 We're having another hang tonight Jess. 287 00:10:54,335 --> 00:10:56,595 Got some chokes, hula hoops, sitar. You should come over. 288 00:10:56,620 --> 00:10:58,359 - Yeah! - Yeah, no, like, that's the best idea. 289 00:10:58,389 --> 00:10:59,623 Totally. 290 00:11:09,726 --> 00:11:11,751 You, too, Schmidt. 291 00:11:18,016 --> 00:11:20,422 Oh, hey, I got to... I got to take this. 292 00:11:21,790 --> 00:11:24,265 Ferguson? Is that you? 293 00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:25,802 Yeah, t-tonight? 294 00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:28,377 Well, I mean... 295 00:11:28,492 --> 00:11:29,880 I made plans with... 296 00:11:30,325 --> 00:11:31,272 Well, look, 297 00:11:31,302 --> 00:11:33,897 if that's the comptroller's time line, then... 298 00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:36,013 that's the comptroller's time line. 299 00:11:36,058 --> 00:11:36,995 Well, hell, yes, 300 00:11:37,048 --> 00:11:38,867 send a car! 301 00:11:39,536 --> 00:11:41,899 Jess, do you want to hula-hoop with me 302 00:11:41,926 --> 00:11:43,136 all night-slash-forever? 303 00:11:46,411 --> 00:11:48,422 Oh, gosh. 304 00:11:49,011 --> 00:11:50,528 They hate me. 305 00:11:55,694 --> 00:11:57,920 Man, I've never seen you work this hard at anything, ever. 306 00:11:57,957 --> 00:11:59,491 That's because I care so much. 307 00:11:59,606 --> 00:12:02,587 I set an alarm for 5:00 a.m. 308 00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:05,106 so I could switch Schmidt's fiber pills with placebos. 309 00:12:05,137 --> 00:12:06,348 Damn it, I want to care about something 310 00:12:06,398 --> 00:12:08,367 as much as you care about ruining Schmidt's life. 311 00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:10,502 And where have you been all night, young lady? 312 00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:13,051 Jumping around to your hippity-hop? 313 00:12:13,338 --> 00:12:16,522 Taking your drug pills and smoking your hash stick? 314 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,499 I'm actually asking— I'm not doing a thing right here. 315 00:12:18,533 --> 00:12:20,510 Those guys are so much fun. 316 00:12:20,786 --> 00:12:22,793 Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been up 317 00:12:22,807 --> 00:12:27,181 for 48 hours, so I'm gonna just sleep off an ass-ton of quinoa. 318 00:12:27,211 --> 00:12:29,634 No, there's no time for sleep! Guys, here's what we got to do. 319 00:12:29,656 --> 00:12:31,749 We got to find the passion that we have in life, 320 00:12:31,824 --> 00:12:33,041 and we got to hold on to it. 321 00:12:33,066 --> 00:12:34,404 - You're so right. - Just like— 322 00:12:34,470 --> 00:12:36,416 I can't believe I'm saying this— 323 00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:37,486 just like Nick Miller. 324 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:38,626 Why, look at that. 325 00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:40,450 I've never been an inspiration before. 326 00:12:40,528 --> 00:12:42,197 I don't like it. It's too much responsibility. 327 00:12:42,225 --> 00:12:44,215 Ooh, ay-ay-ay. 328 00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:46,504 I am cons-to-the-pizzo. 329 00:12:46,535 --> 00:12:47,534 Hmm? 330 00:12:48,361 --> 00:12:49,517 Constipated. 331 00:12:49,576 --> 00:12:51,389 I'm constipated. 332 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:53,279 Surprising. 333 00:12:53,576 --> 00:12:55,549 Here, sit down, relax, watch some TV. 334 00:12:56,039 --> 00:12:57,543 What's the chair doing over here? 335 00:12:57,626 --> 00:12:59,439 Just moved it. 336 00:12:59,721 --> 00:13:03,426 Oh... gosh. 337 00:13:05,931 --> 00:13:07,750 Turn it down, man! Turn it down! 338 00:13:07,793 --> 00:13:09,471 - Turn it... What? - It's too loud! 339 00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:12,114 Schmidt, you're blasting the TV, you maniac! 340 00:13:12,145 --> 00:13:13,177 You can hear that? 341 00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:15,596 It's blasting, Schmidt! Jess is trying to sleep! 342 00:13:15,626 --> 00:13:18,089 - You can hear this? - Uh, yes. 343 00:13:18,126 --> 00:13:19,689 Well, you know what, you were right. 344 00:13:19,775 --> 00:13:21,738 They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. 345 00:13:21,781 --> 00:13:24,452 It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity, 346 00:13:24,594 --> 00:13:26,896 a pan-ethnic, pan-sexual hive mind, 347 00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:28,865 and they want nothing to do with me. 348 00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,364 They're not that great, Schmidt. 349 00:13:30,408 --> 00:13:31,733 Last night, Chaz and Sutton 350 00:13:31,764 --> 00:13:33,599 - got in a fight. - A lovers' quarrel? 351 00:13:33,654 --> 00:13:35,104 Sutton and Chaz are not a couple. 352 00:13:35,122 --> 00:13:37,560 Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... 353 00:13:37,810 --> 00:13:39,116 - the other broad. - Actually, 354 00:13:39,147 --> 00:13:41,687 Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, 355 00:13:41,711 --> 00:13:42,693 and Chaz is a floater. 356 00:13:42,716 --> 00:13:44,808 They're poly-amorous? Damn it! 357 00:13:44,846 --> 00:13:46,959 Jess, you've got to help me 358 00:13:46,989 --> 00:13:49,535 - help them forget how old I am. - You're not old. 359 00:13:49,566 --> 00:13:51,348 - Then how do you explain this? - Use your legs, buddy. 360 00:13:51,385 --> 00:13:54,407 - Let me show you something. - Gonna hurt your back. 361 00:13:57,429 --> 00:13:59,880 Look at this— I'm freaking shrinking! 362 00:13:59,937 --> 00:14:02,273 I took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, 363 00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:03,888 made a copy at an architect's office. 364 00:14:03,913 --> 00:14:05,095 From there, it was just your basic 365 00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:07,098 spackle-and-silkscreen job. 366 00:14:07,142 --> 00:14:09,158 I don't care, but... yay. 367 00:14:09,191 --> 00:14:11,335 It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now. 368 00:14:11,356 --> 00:14:12,376 Okay. 369 00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:19,575 Jess... this is the hardest thing 370 00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:20,934 I've ever had to say. 371 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,626 Please help me be cool. 372 00:14:26,382 --> 00:14:28,381 Say that one more time. 373 00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:30,918 Oh. Visor-wearing Jess, 374 00:14:31,017 --> 00:14:32,892 will you please help me be cool? 375 00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:38,789 Okay, listen up, 376 00:14:38,807 --> 00:14:40,358 I got 3.5 years to live. 377 00:14:40,398 --> 00:14:42,183 I can't be an assistant any more. 378 00:14:42,202 --> 00:14:44,108 I don't want to die. I want to work. 379 00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,456 Honestly, I want to work here. 380 00:14:45,739 --> 00:14:47,330 But I got to follow my passion, 381 00:14:47,363 --> 00:14:50,494 much like a running back would want 382 00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:53,920 when given the ball, and in the game of life, 383 00:14:53,953 --> 00:14:55,906 this job is the pigskin. 384 00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:57,985 And damn it, I'm in the red zone! 385 00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:02,893 And in summation, I feel... 386 00:15:03,531 --> 00:15:06,382 very good about what I just said. 387 00:15:06,588 --> 00:15:08,580 Hopefully, you do, too. 388 00:15:15,154 --> 00:15:18,133 Who wants to start an arcade fire? 389 00:15:19,575 --> 00:15:20,496 Schmidt. 390 00:15:20,584 --> 00:15:22,800 - What? - What are you doing? This is not 391 00:15:22,825 --> 00:15:24,199 the outfit we talked about. 392 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:26,228 - What? Rock and roll. - You way overshot it. 393 00:15:26,587 --> 00:15:28,737 Look at that. I'm being ironic. 394 00:15:28,829 --> 00:15:30,953 That's not ironic; That's just a bad pun. 395 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:31,941 And what are you doing here? 396 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,541 Your arms are hot, but your neck is cold? 397 00:15:33,571 --> 00:15:35,259 Hey, look at me. 398 00:15:35,298 --> 00:15:37,010 If you guys keep a tight core, 399 00:15:37,366 --> 00:15:39,891 you can... your burpees can look like this, too. 400 00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:42,008 When's the Olympics? Right, guys? 401 00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:43,271 I'm gonna set a PR tonight. 402 00:15:43,293 --> 00:15:44,524 Well, you know, he's not... he's not... 403 00:15:44,545 --> 00:15:46,544 Parkour. 404 00:15:47,173 --> 00:15:50,219 - Oh! - Oh! 405 00:15:50,678 --> 00:15:52,354 You got beer on her, man. 406 00:15:52,415 --> 00:15:54,464 Did I do that? 407 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,317 Don't worry, my mom can throw that dress in 408 00:15:56,329 --> 00:15:58,348 with my laundry next time she's here. 409 00:15:58,601 --> 00:16:00,503 Sorry. Your mom does your laundry? 410 00:16:00,528 --> 00:16:02,547 Washer-dryer kind of freaks me out, you know? 411 00:16:02,585 --> 00:16:04,604 It's just, like, eh... 412 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,305 washa-washa-washa, 413 00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:08,194 - guh-guh, guh-guh, uh-guh-guh-guh. - On the noise. 414 00:16:08,225 --> 00:16:09,388 Okay, you know what? It's fine. 415 00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:10,682 I'll-I'll wash it myself. 416 00:16:10,895 --> 00:16:12,480 - All right. - Thank you, though. 417 00:16:12,511 --> 00:16:14,512 She's so iconoclastic and modern. 418 00:16:14,539 --> 00:16:16,365 And she even got our dishwasher to work. 419 00:16:16,396 --> 00:16:17,635 - I remember. - You know, 420 00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:20,064 I mean, I just... it wasn't that big a deal. 421 00:16:20,095 --> 00:16:22,583 It was just... I just... I just turned it on. 422 00:16:22,634 --> 00:16:24,654 There was a button that said "on." 423 00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:27,179 It's weird how the dishwasher just lives under the counter. 424 00:16:27,204 --> 00:16:29,092 How come there's no dish-dryer? 425 00:16:29,117 --> 00:16:31,104 Or un-washer. 426 00:16:31,130 --> 00:16:34,599 Oh, my God, you guys, are we the dish un-washers? 427 00:16:34,624 --> 00:16:36,437 Why don't we just move to Prague? 428 00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:37,781 I need to focus on my art. 429 00:16:37,812 --> 00:16:39,531 You can totally focus on your art in Prague. 430 00:16:39,558 --> 00:16:41,174 If we move to Prague, should I 431 00:16:41,205 --> 00:16:42,960 paint my nails black again? 432 00:16:42,998 --> 00:16:45,245 Hey, you guys, um... 433 00:16:45,394 --> 00:16:47,485 I can't hang out with you any more. 434 00:16:47,599 --> 00:16:49,528 - Why not? - Because... 435 00:16:49,556 --> 00:16:51,594 Our entire relationship's built on a lie. 436 00:16:51,626 --> 00:16:52,926 Jess, what are you talking about? 437 00:16:52,957 --> 00:16:54,969 I did not make up... 438 00:16:55,343 --> 00:16:57,574 - "Did I do that?" - Jess, please don't... 439 00:16:57,606 --> 00:16:59,590 - I have to introduce you to a... - Don't do it. 440 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,945 Little, adorable African-American nerd. 441 00:17:02,976 --> 00:17:04,483 Don't press the button. Don't... 442 00:17:06,637 --> 00:17:08,287 Jess, why would you do this to us? 443 00:17:08,308 --> 00:17:10,789 Who's "Steve Urclee"? 444 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,927 Jess, what the hell was that? 445 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,359 You were supposed to teach me how to be cool. 446 00:17:18,379 --> 00:17:20,145 You did a terrible job. Look what I'm wearing. 447 00:17:20,170 --> 00:17:22,000 You didn't listen to anything I said! 448 00:17:22,031 --> 00:17:23,855 I told you to stop trying so hard. 449 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,751 I will never stop trying. 450 00:17:25,786 --> 00:17:27,494 I don't care if I have to do a billion burpees. 451 00:17:27,548 --> 00:17:29,753 That is how you crush— you never give up. 452 00:17:29,786 --> 00:17:32,413 That is the difference between me and you, Jess. 453 00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:36,459 Is that what you think? You think I just gave up? 454 00:17:36,487 --> 00:17:38,482 - Well... - I was fired, Schmidt. 455 00:17:38,548 --> 00:17:40,585 Do you think I wanted to stop teaching? 456 00:17:40,623 --> 00:17:42,542 That's why I liked hanging out with those kids— 457 00:17:42,565 --> 00:17:44,347 'cause they weren't judging me all the time 458 00:17:44,378 --> 00:17:46,253 for not crushing it. 459 00:17:46,278 --> 00:17:47,933 - Okay... - Do you think that I want to work 460 00:17:47,970 --> 00:17:49,695 At the Casserole Shanty? 461 00:17:49,821 --> 00:17:52,434 Do you know what the people I work with call it? 462 00:17:52,684 --> 00:17:54,745 The Ass-erole Shanty. 463 00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:01,233 Just don't stop teaching. 464 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,787 I mean, there's got to be something. 465 00:18:04,013 --> 00:18:06,572 - I don't know, driver's ed, CPR... - Uh... 466 00:18:06,623 --> 00:18:08,594 A smile class. 467 00:18:08,726 --> 00:18:10,932 My life sucks so much right now. 468 00:18:11,082 --> 00:18:13,426 But at least I'm not 23. 469 00:18:13,494 --> 00:18:15,445 At least I own a trash can. 470 00:18:15,785 --> 00:18:18,154 At least I can legally rent a car. 471 00:18:18,226 --> 00:18:21,257 At least I don't live in a loft with three other... 472 00:18:21,462 --> 00:18:22,504 But you live with us. 473 00:18:22,575 --> 00:18:24,789 But I live you with guys. 474 00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:28,190 Jess? 475 00:18:28,919 --> 00:18:29,894 We don't care 476 00:18:29,925 --> 00:18:31,162 if you stole your catchphrase 477 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,385 from some low-budget Web series. 478 00:18:34,045 --> 00:18:35,157 We still want to hang out. 479 00:18:39,906 --> 00:18:41,738 Don't trust your government, kids. 480 00:18:42,356 --> 00:18:44,507 Oh, my God, it's the old man from the stairs. 481 00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:45,599 I thought he died. 482 00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,449 Let's get out of here before his robe opens. 483 00:18:47,506 --> 00:18:51,501 - He's gonna get his old on you! Get out while you can! - Hey, hey, Charles, 484 00:18:51,612 --> 00:18:53,358 The decrepit thing that just walked by, 485 00:18:53,377 --> 00:18:54,962 now, that is old, okay? 486 00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:56,195 And you can hate him for being old, 487 00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:57,314 but you cannot hate me. 488 00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:58,702 We don't hate you for being old. 489 00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:02,350 We hate you 'cause you're a viciously unbearable ass-head. 490 00:19:02,911 --> 00:19:04,331 Seriously? 491 00:19:04,581 --> 00:19:06,832 That's... Come here, that's... 492 00:19:06,857 --> 00:19:09,245 Get off! Ass-head! 493 00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:11,809 Ass-head! Yeah! 494 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,764 - I'm not gonna drink it all. - Guys, 495 00:19:13,835 --> 00:19:15,723 I... am an ass-head. 496 00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:17,035 They don't hate me because I'm old. 497 00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:18,620 They hate me because of my personality. 498 00:19:18,647 --> 00:19:20,497 I can totally change my personality. 499 00:19:20,554 --> 00:19:23,845 Congratulations, Schmidt, that is... that's weird news. 500 00:19:24,616 --> 00:19:25,729 Ladies and gentlemen, 501 00:19:25,777 --> 00:19:28,221 you are looking at a brand-new man. 502 00:19:28,259 --> 00:19:29,521 A man who has proved 503 00:19:29,562 --> 00:19:31,997 so capable of talking about so little 504 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:33,478 for so long... 505 00:19:33,657 --> 00:19:36,838 is now the producer of his very own 506 00:19:37,130 --> 00:19:38,261 sports talk show. 507 00:19:38,276 --> 00:19:39,887 - No way! - What? 508 00:19:39,911 --> 00:19:41,493 That's right. That's right. 509 00:19:41,536 --> 00:19:43,399 - Yeah, baby! - It's halftime in America! 510 00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:44,718 Man, that's amazing! 511 00:19:44,753 --> 00:19:46,355 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 512 00:19:46,416 --> 00:19:49,888 2:35 to 5:35 a.m. 513 00:19:50,371 --> 00:19:52,757 Boom! Prime time for truckers! 514 00:19:54,035 --> 00:19:56,009 - That's awesome. He's got something. - Yes. 515 00:19:56,723 --> 00:19:58,723 In other news, I just spent three days 516 00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,542 trying to impress people who don't own bed frames. 517 00:20:00,556 --> 00:20:01,797 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 518 00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:02,835 I spent the last three days 519 00:20:02,866 --> 00:20:04,917 pouring urine on a grown man's sheets. 520 00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,273 Can you imagine how much we would get done 521 00:20:07,323 --> 00:20:08,629 if we just focused our energy 522 00:20:08,656 --> 00:20:11,055 onto something a little bit more worthwhile? 523 00:20:11,105 --> 00:20:13,471 - Not to mention the money we would save. - I know. 524 00:20:13,791 --> 00:20:14,869 Wait, what money? 525 00:20:15,870 --> 00:20:17,921 I mean, I've been running the numbers on this, 526 00:20:18,029 --> 00:20:19,109 but, you know, I think I spent... 527 00:20:19,373 --> 00:20:21,529 you know, $1,200 to $1,300. 528 00:20:21,603 --> 00:20:23,241 - What? - On these pranks, yeah. 529 00:20:23,281 --> 00:20:25,278 - What? - And I was under-budget, so... 530 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:26,477 Under-budget? 531 00:20:26,545 --> 00:20:28,399 What, you think fake contact lenses are free? 532 00:20:28,408 --> 00:20:29,671 - They are not, sister. - Nick, you don't 533 00:20:29,702 --> 00:20:30,815 have that kind of money. 534 00:20:30,848 --> 00:20:31,747 I know I don't. 535 00:20:31,778 --> 00:20:33,128 Where are you gonna get that from? 536 00:20:33,152 --> 00:20:34,867 Doesn't matter. I had to prank Schmidt. 537 00:20:34,947 --> 00:20:36,241 And I did. 538 00:20:37,765 --> 00:20:39,764 Holy crap. 539 00:20:40,097 --> 00:20:42,151 - I need a real job. - Yeah, you do. 540 00:20:43,627 --> 00:20:45,472 Don't you ever prank me! 541 00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,481 Of course. You got it. 542 00:20:47,571 --> 00:20:50,196 You'll never see it coming. 543 00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,151 This is like the end of a horror movie. 544 00:20:52,231 --> 00:20:53,579 Or the beginning of a pranking movie. 545 00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:54,925 There are no pranking movies. 546 00:20:54,980 --> 00:20:57,502 Yet. Get out of here. 547 00:20:57,999 --> 00:21:00,999 You'll never see it coming. 548 00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:05,351 This prescription is blurry. 549 00:21:05,461 --> 00:21:06,906 Hi, Schmidt. 550 00:21:07,070 --> 00:21:09,051 Is that you in tailored, grown-up clothing? 551 00:21:09,069 --> 00:21:11,141 Yeah. Mama's gonna ride this blazer 552 00:21:11,172 --> 00:21:13,472 - all the way to a tutoring job. - Thank goodness. 553 00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:15,162 I almost thought I was gonna have to loan you money. 554 00:21:15,187 --> 00:21:18,293 Well, I said tutoring job, not venture capitalist. 555 00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:20,334 - Proud of you nonetheless. - Thanks. 556 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,214 What the hell? 557 00:21:26,298 --> 00:21:29,659 Okay. All right, Nick, very funny. 558 00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,467 Quite the prankster you are. 559 00:21:31,511 --> 00:21:32,497 Ha! 560 00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:34,648 I'm gonna hit your ass with a ski! 561 00:21:34,707 --> 00:21:36,781 - Winston? - Get some. 562 00:21:37,538 --> 00:21:43,538 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther