1
00:00:02,564 --> 00:00:04,039
Nick, where do you even
buy sheets like this?

2
00:00:04,064 --> 00:00:05,524
They're the thread count
of a paper towel.

3
00:00:05,549 --> 00:00:06,724
Okay, I don't know what to do.

4
00:00:06,742 --> 00:00:07,781
I thought these
sheets were good.

5
00:00:07,783 --> 00:00:08,780
You said these
sheets were fine.

6
00:00:08,817 --> 00:00:10,043
They're fine. Relax.

7
00:00:10,095 --> 00:00:10,978
He's freaking out.

8
00:00:11,009 --> 00:00:12,408
You know,
Amelia's coming in town...

9
00:00:12,427 --> 00:00:13,839
Which one of your depressing

10
00:00:13,872 --> 00:00:15,730
ex-girlfriends is Amelia?

11
00:00:15,811 --> 00:00:16,851
Freshman year.

12
00:00:33,384 --> 00:00:34,885
I never told her how I felt.

13
00:00:34,918 --> 00:00:36,363
And she's here for a
couple days on work.

14
00:00:36,391 --> 00:00:37,483
This is my chance.

15
00:00:37,603 --> 00:00:38,835
I even got a new shirt.

16
00:00:40,495 --> 00:00:42,171
That's a cool shirt;
I like that shirt.

17
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,502
Yeah, look cool, man.

18
00:00:44,287 --> 00:00:45,856
You making fun of
my shirt, Schmidt?

19
00:00:45,899 --> 00:00:47,200
Oh, my God!

20
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,715
Jess, please stop
working at the haunted house.

21
00:00:49,746 --> 00:00:50,853
It's just through the weekend.

22
00:00:50,877 --> 00:00:52,142
You all get free tickets,
you know.

23
00:00:52,154 --> 00:00:53,192
Oh, no, I'm not going.

24
00:00:53,225 --> 00:00:54,090
I don't do haunted houses.

25
00:00:54,128 --> 00:00:55,603
- What? You scared?
- Uh, well,

26
00:00:55,634 --> 00:00:58,066
Little kids are scared.
I just don't like it.

27
00:00:58,089 --> 00:00:59,882
I got it. You look like
a zombie Woody Allen.

28
00:00:59,901 --> 00:01:01,701
- Yeah.
- These brains are terrible.

29
00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:03,415
And such-such small portions.

30
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,040
On Christmas, I like to eat

31
00:01:05,071 --> 00:01:06,409
Chinese people's brains.

32
00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:08,413
They're the only ones
that are open.

33
00:01:08,439 --> 00:01:11,833
Zombie Cristina Barcelona.

34
00:01:11,881 --> 00:01:13,119
Yeah, I have nothing
to add to this.

35
00:01:13,167 --> 00:01:14,772
I'm gonna be home
late tonight, you guys.

36
00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:17,385
Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause
I'm going over to Sam's house

37
00:01:17,408 --> 00:01:19,380
to mix his batter.

38
00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:20,625
Oh, yeah.

39
00:01:20,656 --> 00:01:22,163
Not in that costume.

40
00:01:22,195 --> 00:01:23,875
I don't know.
Costume kind of works for me.

41
00:01:23,906 --> 00:01:26,688
Kind of a sexy,
undead driver's ed teacher.

42
00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:27,557
It's my sweet spot.

43
00:01:27,581 --> 00:01:29,248
Sam doesn't care
what I look like.

44
00:01:29,254 --> 00:01:30,467
'Cause I'm not his girlfriend.

45
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:31,906
And I'm gonna
kick him to the curb

46
00:01:31,943 --> 00:01:34,662
once I've used his body
like a moisturizer sample.

47
00:01:34,736 --> 00:01:35,676
Hey-yo!

48
00:01:35,706 --> 00:01:39,069
I couldn't
afford my therapist, so I ate his brains.

49
00:01:39,434 --> 00:01:41,003
Marx brothers.

50
00:01:41,022 --> 00:01:42,297
Hear, hear.

51
00:01:42,650 --> 00:01:43,878
- That's the one.
- Good stuff.

52
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:52,506
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

53
00:01:53,815 --> 00:01:54,844
- Hi.
- Hi.

54
00:01:55,457 --> 00:01:56,559
- How you doing?
- Good.

55
00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:58,642
Oh, oh.

56
00:01:59,673 --> 00:02:00,468
Oh.

57
00:02:02,093 --> 00:02:04,088
Um, here's your wallet.

58
00:02:04,105 --> 00:02:05,078
Oh, thank you.

59
00:02:05,103 --> 00:02:06,965
You must have dropped it
on our most recent trip

60
00:02:07,003 --> 00:02:08,354
to No Pants City.

61
00:02:08,391 --> 00:02:09,910
Just so you know,

62
00:02:09,941 --> 00:02:10,723
I didn't look in it.

63
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,915
'Cause I don't care and
I respect your privacy.

64
00:02:12,995 --> 00:02:14,287
Then how'd you know it was

65
00:02:14,312 --> 00:02:16,100
- my wallet?
- Well played, Sam Sweeny—

66
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,080
Born in Boston, six-four.

67
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:19,671
I didn't know
you worked in the E.R.

68
00:02:19,703 --> 00:02:20,719
Until I got here, though.

69
00:02:20,746 --> 00:02:21,689
Yeah, pediatrics.

70
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,592
You're a doctor for children.

71
00:02:23,629 --> 00:02:25,146
It's, you know,
mostly paperwork.

72
00:02:25,171 --> 00:02:27,285
That why you have
so many cute cards on the wall?

73
00:02:27,306 --> 00:02:29,316
"Dear Dr. Sam..."

74
00:02:29,604 --> 00:02:31,158
They call you Dr. Sam?

75
00:02:31,356 --> 00:02:33,095
"Thank you
for making me better.

76
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,089
I love you,
and so does my bunny."

77
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,604
Nice kid, but she
can't draw for crap.

78
00:02:36,622 --> 00:02:38,281
I mean, she just
traced Bugs Bunny.

79
00:02:38,305 --> 00:02:40,170
I didn't know you were a,
like, caring person.

80
00:02:40,189 --> 00:02:41,883
Same guy.
Same guy.

81
00:02:41,921 --> 00:02:43,155
I'm the same guy that did you

82
00:02:43,186 --> 00:02:44,849
in that falafel
restaurant, you remember?

83
00:02:44,925 --> 00:02:46,535
- And a dirty one, at that.
- Mm-hmm.

84
00:02:46,572 --> 00:02:48,298
- Please don't do this.
- Dr. Sam.

85
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,698
Don't start thinking
I'm some amazing guy.

86
00:02:50,731 --> 00:02:53,994
This is why I don't
tell girls what I do.

87
00:02:54,031 --> 00:02:55,775
This doesn't change the way
I feel about you.

88
00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:57,606
I feel nothing.
This is purely physical.

89
00:02:57,631 --> 00:02:58,719
Dr. Sam!

90
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,753
Oh, Ben!
What's up?

91
00:03:00,774 --> 00:03:01,912
Fish tails?

92
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,772
I, uh...

93
00:03:05,526 --> 00:03:07,608
How could I say no, buddy?

94
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,808
Fish tail! Fish tail!

95
00:03:09,833 --> 00:03:11,238
Up top!

96
00:03:12,209 --> 00:03:14,032
This makes me feel nothing.

97
00:03:14,135 --> 00:03:15,786
I feel nothing.

98
00:03:15,882 --> 00:03:17,407
I haven't worn these in years.

99
00:03:17,449 --> 00:03:18,362
Here you go.

100
00:03:18,386 --> 00:03:19,476
Wow, Schmidt.

101
00:03:19,548 --> 00:03:20,793
You've got so many boots.

102
00:03:20,818 --> 00:03:22,124
You know who doesn't
have a lot of boots?

103
00:03:22,149 --> 00:03:23,834
Guys who aren't getting
laid on the reg.

104
00:03:23,858 --> 00:03:25,861
- Ooh, trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed
- Mm-hmm.

105
00:03:25,881 --> 00:03:28,315
That we're gonna dress sexy
this Halloween, so...

106
00:03:28,597 --> 00:03:30,529
hopefully that'll make us want
to have sex with each other.

107
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,300
You know, at night,
I can actually feel gusts

108
00:03:33,328 --> 00:03:35,455
of frigid air coming
from beneath your door.

109
00:03:35,487 --> 00:03:36,656
I get it, Schmidt.
We're in a rut.

110
00:03:36,674 --> 00:03:38,635
Without sex, she's not
your girlfriend, okay?

111
00:03:38,655 --> 00:03:40,516
She's a friend that
you buy meals for.

112
00:03:40,606 --> 00:03:41,655
Winston, I get it, man.

113
00:03:41,731 --> 00:03:43,506
You're... you're
scared to end it.

114
00:03:43,531 --> 00:03:44,479
You're just like Cece.

115
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:46,401
Cece's scared to
end it with Robby,

116
00:03:46,433 --> 00:03:48,456
because clearly she's
still nuts about me.

117
00:03:48,482 --> 00:03:50,528
Robby's nice.
Good guy, man.

118
00:03:50,547 --> 00:03:51,367
He always has gum.

119
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,923
"Oh, Robby— he's
such a nice guy."

120
00:03:52,948 --> 00:03:54,585
I'll show you
nice guy. Boom.

121
00:03:54,629 --> 00:03:55,604
Punch him in his face.

122
00:03:55,628 --> 00:03:57,523
Yeah, put you in a
guillotine choke hold.

123
00:03:57,547 --> 00:03:59,096
And then Robby's
like, "Oh, my God!"

124
00:03:59,161 --> 00:04:01,305
"I can't believe this.
Young Abraham Lincoln

125
00:04:01,330 --> 00:04:02,874
is choking me out
in his guillotine."

126
00:04:02,899 --> 00:04:04,896
You're going as young
Abe Lincoln for Halloween?

127
00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:07,071
Statistically speaking,
every American

128
00:04:07,105 --> 00:04:09,286
thinks about Abraham Lincoln
at least once a day.

129
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,249
And Cece's American, so...

130
00:04:11,429 --> 00:04:12,661
Thank you for
that information, Schmidt.

131
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:13,398
Yeah.

132
00:04:13,422 --> 00:04:14,481
What's up, Robby?

133
00:04:14,642 --> 00:04:16,880
What's up, Robby,
you stupid idiot?

134
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,253
You had an alter ego, remember?

135
00:04:19,290 --> 00:04:19,922
Yeah.

136
00:04:19,953 --> 00:04:21,358
The guy who'd been in a coma

137
00:04:21,383 --> 00:04:23,835
who woke up thinking
he had invented pie.

138
00:04:23,919 --> 00:04:26,880
Oh, I got a great new idea
for a dessert!

139
00:04:26,932 --> 00:04:28,363
Wait a second, what year is it?

140
00:04:30,936 --> 00:04:32,905
That's awesome you liked that.

141
00:04:32,937 --> 00:04:34,050
No, I'm really glad you're here.

142
00:04:34,203 --> 00:04:35,965
Welcome to Los Angeles.

143
00:04:35,990 --> 00:04:37,768
L.A., as the locals call it.

144
00:04:37,838 --> 00:04:39,650
This is the city
where many scenes

145
00:04:39,688 --> 00:04:42,031
from the film Beverly
Hills Chihuahua were shot.

146
00:04:42,057 --> 00:04:43,388
- Yeah, it's pretty cool.
- Mm-hmm.

147
00:04:43,419 --> 00:04:44,531
I made you up a couch.

148
00:04:44,562 --> 00:04:46,208
- Wow.
- The double eye patch.

149
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:48,229
- You trying to impress me?
- Yes!

150
00:04:48,477 --> 00:04:49,944
Absolutely!

151
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:52,102
You kidding?

152
00:05:04,315 --> 00:05:05,336
- A doctor?
- Mm-hmm.

153
00:05:05,358 --> 00:05:06,745
I had him pegged for

154
00:05:06,793 --> 00:05:10,296
a part-time tennis pro or
an unemployed handsome guy.

155
00:05:10,338 --> 00:05:12,707
He cares about people for
a living; it's so much hotter.

156
00:05:12,732 --> 00:05:13,958
You're starting
to like him now.

157
00:05:13,989 --> 00:05:15,974
No, no, no,
we're just coworkers.

158
00:05:16,085 --> 00:05:17,270
On the night shift.

159
00:05:17,307 --> 00:05:18,857
These fit great, Jess.

160
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,120
Really, thank you so much.

161
00:05:20,227 --> 00:05:22,733
It's like a childhood dream
come true for me.

162
00:05:22,794 --> 00:05:25,094
To be a Ninja Turtle.

163
00:05:25,411 --> 00:05:27,024
And to have a beautiful
girlfriend, of course.

164
00:05:27,062 --> 00:05:28,108
Uh-huh.
Thank you.

165
00:05:28,121 --> 00:05:29,462
What am I looking at here?

166
00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:30,682
Robby, man to man,

167
00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:31,751
you didn't want
to wear something,

168
00:05:31,776 --> 00:05:33,858
I don't know,
a little more form flattering?

169
00:05:33,893 --> 00:05:35,916
Maybe like a pile of towels,
the number eight?

170
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:37,353
- Schmidt.
- I know. But how could I not

171
00:05:37,384 --> 00:05:39,257
knock down
such low-hanging fruit?

172
00:05:39,335 --> 00:05:40,923
Speaking of low-hanging fruit,

173
00:05:40,952 --> 00:05:41,965
Jess, you didn't
want to let out

174
00:05:41,996 --> 00:05:42,985
- the pants a little bit?
- No.

175
00:05:42,999 --> 00:05:44,071
- Not even a touch?
- No.

176
00:05:44,108 --> 00:05:45,641
You want to look at your work?

177
00:05:45,695 --> 00:05:46,341
Looks great.

178
00:05:46,372 --> 00:05:47,485
Not to an eight-year-old child.

179
00:05:47,504 --> 00:05:49,122
Who's just staring
right down the barrel.

180
00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:50,328
- Enough.
- Are you guys coming to

181
00:05:50,356 --> 00:05:51,531
the Halloween
festivities tomorrow?

182
00:05:51,556 --> 00:05:53,697
- Actually, we're...
- I think you should come.

183
00:05:53,731 --> 00:05:54,728
It's for charity.

184
00:05:54,735 --> 00:05:56,196
You like charity, Robby, right?

185
00:05:56,234 --> 00:05:57,756
Yeah, sure.
Like Cece dating you.

186
00:05:59,395 --> 00:06:01,378
Awesome. Um...

187
00:06:01,621 --> 00:06:02,853
- Why not?
- No. I mean,

188
00:06:02,890 --> 00:06:05,435
- We have that thing...
- Don't worry about my friends.

189
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:06,935
I would love
to hang out with your friends.

190
00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:09,123
I think we should do it, because
I want to wear this costume out.

191
00:06:09,148 --> 00:06:11,123
You know what I mean?
So I say yes.

192
00:06:11,213 --> 00:06:13,426
Just, uh, keep the pumpkins
away from me, okay?

193
00:06:13,450 --> 00:06:15,507
I kind of cut myself
last Halloween.

194
00:06:16,689 --> 00:06:18,553
I mean, not on a knife.

195
00:06:18,592 --> 00:06:21,280
I-I, you know,
I cut myself on the pumpkin.

196
00:06:21,641 --> 00:06:23,620
You should've
made a move in college.

197
00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:25,706
No, I didn't have
moves, Amelia.

198
00:06:25,738 --> 00:06:27,849
My moves were

199
00:06:27,899 --> 00:06:30,605
Singing to you and trying
to give you back rubs and...

200
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:33,558
I do remember you picking a lot
of eyelashes off my cheeks.

201
00:06:33,583 --> 00:06:35,448
Didn't you think it
was weird that I kept

202
00:06:35,485 --> 00:06:38,358
showing up at your door, telling
you I had a family tragedy?

203
00:06:38,502 --> 00:06:40,434
How many grandparents
did you think I had?

204
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,454
I had a bad bag of moves, lady.

205
00:06:43,966 --> 00:06:46,241
Well, they're not
bad any more, Nick Miller.

206
00:06:55,996 --> 00:06:57,995
Ah, that's great.

207
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,303
That is for real.

208
00:07:03,324 --> 00:07:04,636
There's more
where that came from.

209
00:07:04,704 --> 00:07:06,649
Uh-oh.

210
00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:15,737
Oh, that's good stuff.

211
00:07:15,786 --> 00:07:17,042
That is good.

212
00:07:22,343 --> 00:07:23,367
Hey.

213
00:07:23,406 --> 00:07:25,404
Sam's in there.
- Yeah, Amelia's in there.

214
00:07:25,422 --> 00:07:26,750
- High five for sluts.
- Yeah!

215
00:07:27,993 --> 00:07:28,993
Hey.

216
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,274
I think I might like Sam.

217
00:07:30,302 --> 00:07:32,263
Jess, I thought the whole thing
was how you didn't like him.

218
00:07:32,281 --> 00:07:34,009
I know, but then...

219
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:36,670
Hey.

220
00:07:36,695 --> 00:07:38,652
Hi. You must be
Amelia. I'm Jess.

221
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:40,418
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

222
00:07:40,492 --> 00:07:41,968
Nick's told me a lot about you.

223
00:07:41,992 --> 00:07:42,913
Yes, I did.

224
00:07:42,937 --> 00:07:44,232
Yeah, it finally happened.

225
00:07:44,257 --> 00:07:46,320
It's crazy—
Nick and Amelia.

226
00:07:46,435 --> 00:07:48,179
- Together.
- Together, yeah.

227
00:07:48,239 --> 00:07:49,251
- Together, yeah.
- Together.

228
00:07:49,296 --> 00:07:50,531
Really? Right now?

229
00:07:50,689 --> 00:07:52,333
Okay.

230
00:07:54,525 --> 00:07:56,177
Yeah, good.

231
00:07:56,259 --> 00:07:58,238
Okay.

232
00:07:58,901 --> 00:08:00,175
All right, call me tonight?

233
00:08:00,212 --> 00:08:01,571
Actually, tonight's
the last night

234
00:08:01,596 --> 00:08:02,986
of this haunted house thing.

235
00:08:03,014 --> 00:08:04,217
Here's a crazy idea.

236
00:08:04,254 --> 00:08:05,248
What if you came?

237
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:06,542
Well, I don't really do,

238
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,543
uh, the, you know,
sort of costume thing.

239
00:08:08,594 --> 00:08:09,757
I'm gonna be dressed up.

240
00:08:09,794 --> 00:08:11,251
I think you should
dress up, too.

241
00:08:11,345 --> 00:08:12,758
'Cause it'd be cool.

242
00:08:12,876 --> 00:08:14,268
For me.

243
00:08:15,197 --> 00:08:18,184
Okay. I'll try to
make it, darling.

244
00:08:27,330 --> 00:08:28,936
Well, I wish I hadn't
have seen that.

245
00:08:28,971 --> 00:08:30,852
You wish you hadn't seen that?

246
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:33,558
- I wish I hadn't seen...
- Fair point.

247
00:08:33,583 --> 00:08:34,809
What if tonight's a test?

248
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,868
If he shows up
wearing a costume,

249
00:08:37,395 --> 00:08:38,682
he likes me.

250
00:08:38,708 --> 00:08:40,085
- Sound logic.
- I know.

251
00:08:40,272 --> 00:08:42,238
Jess, I-I...
Jess, I was kidding.

252
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:43,624
How do the boots feel, man?

253
00:08:43,658 --> 00:08:44,823
Feel fantastic, man.

254
00:08:44,854 --> 00:08:46,231
Well, there's more
where that came from.

255
00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:47,274
Got a lot of boots.

256
00:08:47,471 --> 00:08:48,921
Whoo, looky here!

257
00:08:48,966 --> 00:08:50,072
One of my brothers in blue.

258
00:08:50,087 --> 00:08:51,654
That gun looks real.
Let me see that for a second.

259
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:53,131
LAPD! Stand down!
Stand down!

260
00:08:53,156 --> 00:08:54,544
I'm standing, I'm standing!
Look at that!

261
00:08:56,751 --> 00:08:58,301
Butch it up, Axel Foley.

262
00:08:58,479 --> 00:09:00,810
Shelby's coming.

263
00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:02,966
Yeah.

264
00:09:06,694 --> 00:09:07,718
Hey.

265
00:09:07,744 --> 00:09:09,507
Hey. What, uh...

266
00:09:09,531 --> 00:09:10,907
What-what are you?

267
00:09:10,938 --> 00:09:14,895
I'm reigning cats and dogs!

268
00:09:16,076 --> 00:09:17,117
Get it?

269
00:09:17,168 --> 00:09:18,755
Reigning...

270
00:09:18,987 --> 00:09:21,293
cats and dogs.

271
00:09:22,085 --> 00:09:24,146
Those stuffed animals
are gonna look good

272
00:09:24,177 --> 00:09:26,478
on the floor of my bedroom.

273
00:09:28,863 --> 00:09:29,621
Oh!

274
00:09:29,659 --> 00:09:30,815
What are you doing?

275
00:09:30,848 --> 00:09:32,046
No, it's cool, it's cool.

276
00:09:32,064 --> 00:09:33,337
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Schmidt.

277
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:34,200
Hey, Robby.

278
00:09:34,231 --> 00:09:35,150
Hey, look, I get it.

279
00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:36,207
Guy who shot John Lennon

280
00:09:36,238 --> 00:09:37,751
- dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
- No.

281
00:09:37,774 --> 00:09:39,630
Cece, you're an angel,
as always.

282
00:09:39,673 --> 00:09:41,390
Get off my horse, Schmidt.

283
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,484
Hey, Lincoln, right?
That's awes...

284
00:09:43,509 --> 00:09:45,065
You know, I was just thinking
about Lincoln today.

285
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,390
Yeah, Robby, we all were.

286
00:09:46,414 --> 00:09:47,222
This is kind of funny.

287
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,453
The two of you together
on that horse,

288
00:09:48,484 --> 00:09:50,303
you kind of look like
a bride and a groom.

289
00:09:50,809 --> 00:09:52,078
I will throw you

290
00:09:52,119 --> 00:09:55,144
off of this horse with
my bare hands. I will.

291
00:09:55,558 --> 00:09:57,565
I'm gonna tell him
how I feel tonight.

292
00:09:57,759 --> 00:09:59,125
- You are?
- Think so.

293
00:09:59,149 --> 00:09:59,843
Boo!

294
00:10:01,865 --> 00:10:02,791
What'd you carve here?

295
00:10:02,816 --> 00:10:04,741
Oh, it's a secret.
I'm not done yet.

296
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:09,903
What's wrong with me?

297
00:10:10,073 --> 00:10:12,162
I wanted this for
so long with her,

298
00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:14,595
and now...
it's just too much.

299
00:10:14,651 --> 00:10:15,844
- You know?
- Mm-hmm.

300
00:10:15,942 --> 00:10:17,560
You want to know why I
don't like haunted houses?

301
00:10:17,585 --> 00:10:19,904
- Why?
- Because they're just like relationships.

302
00:10:19,954 --> 00:10:21,983
You walk in all confident,

303
00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:24,491
and then once you get in,
it's not what you thought

304
00:10:24,516 --> 00:10:26,243
it was gonna be,
and it's scary.

305
00:10:26,287 --> 00:10:28,232
Nick, you've liked her
for a long time.

306
00:10:28,543 --> 00:10:30,104
Go in the "haunted house."

307
00:10:30,154 --> 00:10:31,795
I'm gonna go
in the "haunted house."

308
00:10:31,821 --> 00:10:33,840
Ta-da! That's me,

309
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,936
that's you, and that's our dog.

310
00:10:37,021 --> 00:10:39,041
I look so scared.

311
00:10:39,236 --> 00:10:40,261
Bride and groom?

312
00:10:40,281 --> 00:10:41,236
No!

313
00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:43,568
No, I'm here with
the Ninja Turtle!

314
00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,624
Bride and Ninja Turtle.

315
00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:47,142
I don't get it.

316
00:10:47,185 --> 00:10:48,224
I don't get it, either.

317
00:10:48,294 --> 00:10:49,788
Like she lost a
bet or something.

318
00:10:49,819 --> 00:10:51,213
What is wrong with you?

319
00:10:51,245 --> 00:10:52,256
Seriously!

320
00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:53,116
It's okay, Cece.

321
00:10:53,141 --> 00:10:55,004
No, it's not okay!

322
00:10:55,082 --> 00:10:58,388
You need to go home
and change, Schmidt.

323
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,927
I know you have more
costumes in your closet.

324
00:11:00,957 --> 00:11:03,654
Those costumes are for Purim.
Purim's in March.

325
00:11:03,678 --> 00:11:05,954
I don't care!
You're doing this intentionally

326
00:11:05,961 --> 00:11:06,992
just to mess with me!

327
00:11:07,016 --> 00:11:09,040
All right, calm down.
Everybody just...

328
00:11:09,065 --> 00:11:09,797
just calm down.

329
00:11:09,829 --> 00:11:11,373
All right, Schmidt?
Let's take a walk.

330
00:11:11,502 --> 00:11:13,008
Let's take a walk.

331
00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:15,709
Look, let's just cut
the crap, okay?

332
00:11:15,962 --> 00:11:17,212
I know you think I'm dumb,

333
00:11:17,247 --> 00:11:19,891
and you can hit on Cece
and make fun of me all day long,

334
00:11:19,916 --> 00:11:22,511
but I'm not going
anywhere, all right?

335
00:11:23,694 --> 00:11:25,114
You're a big guy,
you know that?

336
00:11:25,166 --> 00:11:26,641
Yeah.

337
00:11:26,897 --> 00:11:28,665
Luckily, I've got
a stone forehead.

338
00:11:28,690 --> 00:11:29,717
What?

339
00:11:30,814 --> 00:11:31,496
I'm sorry.

340
00:11:31,526 --> 00:11:33,076
- No, it's cool, man.
- You just tried to head-butt me.

341
00:11:33,107 --> 00:11:34,239
- I had to stop you.
- No, yeah, yeah.

342
00:11:34,273 --> 00:11:36,270
- I got you. I got you.
- All right.

343
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,455
- Damn it!
- Schmidt, you did it again.

344
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:39,893
How do you see that
coming every time?

345
00:11:39,911 --> 00:11:41,506
You wind up. You make,
like, a little wind-up thing.

346
00:11:41,519 --> 00:11:43,080
- I just...
- Hit me right in the forehead.

347
00:11:43,116 --> 00:11:44,479
Yeah, well, you tried to head-butt
me with your forehead.

348
00:11:44,516 --> 00:11:46,067
Yeah, I know I was
trying to head-butt you.

349
00:11:46,114 --> 00:11:47,551
Okay, listen.

350
00:11:48,070 --> 00:11:49,589
I think there's
two options here.

351
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:51,694
We can either go the way
that things have been going

352
00:11:51,725 --> 00:11:53,488
and we're going to have
a big problem,

353
00:11:53,655 --> 00:11:57,786
or we can just knock this off
and let's be friends, okay?

354
00:11:58,001 --> 00:11:59,412
- I'm sorry.
- Okay. I'm sorry, too.

355
00:11:59,437 --> 00:12:00,443
- I'm sorry, too.
- My bad.

356
00:12:00,474 --> 00:12:01,908
- No, truce.
- All right, truce.

357
00:12:03,719 --> 00:12:05,401
Will you stop trying
to head-butt me, man?

358
00:12:05,454 --> 00:12:06,673
I just...

359
00:12:06,746 --> 00:12:07,755
Look at this guy.

360
00:12:07,781 --> 00:12:09,276
- Looking great.
- Oh, my God.

361
00:12:09,738 --> 00:12:11,714
- What?
- He came.

362
00:12:13,516 --> 00:12:14,741
He's not wearing a costume.

363
00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:16,016
Yeah, but he came, so...

364
00:12:16,595 --> 00:12:18,368
- Hey.
- Hey.

365
00:12:18,484 --> 00:12:20,506
Oh, I got to sneeze.

366
00:12:25,043 --> 00:12:26,743
I'm a clown for you.

367
00:12:26,796 --> 00:12:28,421
Just don't ask me
to wear this in bed.

368
00:12:28,445 --> 00:12:30,424
Okay.

369
00:12:38,464 --> 00:12:39,993
I think, when he
comes here tonight,

370
00:12:40,024 --> 00:12:42,774
I'm just going to be like,
"Sam, crazy idea—

371
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:44,364
why don't we take this
to another level?"

372
00:12:44,404 --> 00:12:46,393
And pretend like I'm just
thinking of it, but I'm not...

373
00:12:54,166 --> 00:12:55,960
- Can you hand me my coffee?
- Yeah.

374
00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,896
Zombie, just tell
him the truth.

375
00:12:57,953 --> 00:12:59,786
Mummy's right.
Take the big swing.

376
00:12:59,811 --> 00:13:01,465
It's okay to be vulnerable.

377
00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:03,509
You guys are right.

378
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,322
Life as a doctor.

379
00:13:06,648 --> 00:13:07,788
Your phone must just be

380
00:13:07,806 --> 00:13:09,805
blowing up with
life-saving texts, huh?

381
00:13:09,936 --> 00:13:13,071
"Don't die on me, Danny Boy!
Use the paddles!"

382
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,724
No, it's a girl.

383
00:13:15,931 --> 00:13:17,108
Oh, I thought Jess was working.

384
00:13:17,141 --> 00:13:19,108
It's another girl.
Just a weekend thing.

385
00:13:19,153 --> 00:13:21,278
Does Jess know
you're texting other girls?

386
00:13:21,298 --> 00:13:23,623
Yeah. We're, like,
totally honest with each other.

387
00:13:23,641 --> 00:13:25,171
You know?
I mean, she wants

388
00:13:25,196 --> 00:13:26,469
a relationship less than I do.

389
00:13:26,493 --> 00:13:27,425
It's actually awesome.

390
00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:29,100
Right.

391
00:13:30,053 --> 00:13:32,106
And you're coming over
tonight, hmm?

392
00:13:32,138 --> 00:13:33,857
And she's going to talk to you.

393
00:13:33,926 --> 00:13:34,926
Ooh.

394
00:13:37,910 --> 00:13:39,336
All right, man.

395
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:41,409
You've got to be kidding me.

396
00:13:43,386 --> 00:13:44,573
Just do it, Nick.

397
00:13:44,754 --> 00:13:45,719
Don't be scared, Nick.

398
00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:47,753
You're a grown man.
This is a haunted house.

399
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:49,901
Game time.

400
00:13:50,353 --> 00:13:53,091
I have no idea how they
deep-fry a turkey dinner,

401
00:13:53,151 --> 00:13:55,893
but I am so glad they do
because I love it.

402
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,369
Do you love your legs? Because,
I'll tell you, diabetes doesn't.

403
00:13:58,541 --> 00:14:00,831
- Where have you been?
- Oh, God, I'm sorry.

404
00:14:00,862 --> 00:14:02,193
I totally lost track of time.

405
00:14:02,226 --> 00:14:03,728
We decided that we're
going to hang out more.

406
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,374
All of us are going
to hang out more.

407
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:06,715
You know, 'cause I
remember you saying

408
00:14:06,954 --> 00:14:09,200
- that missed hanging out with Schmidt, so...
- Oh, Robby.

409
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,428
- You said that?
- Yeah, I... yeah, I... I said it, but...

410
00:14:12,466 --> 00:14:14,421
No, because I want
to hang out with you, too.

411
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:15,665
With Robby there?

412
00:14:15,899 --> 00:14:18,255
Yeah, with Robby there.

413
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:19,398
- Good.
- Good.

414
00:14:19,419 --> 00:14:21,408
- Oh, yeah, good, good.
- Good.

415
00:14:21,530 --> 00:14:25,063
Lincoln, bringing the
nation back together again.

416
00:14:25,828 --> 00:14:27,263
Jess!

417
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,091
Jess, where are you?

418
00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:30,712
Watch your step!

419
00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:32,568
It's just a recording.

420
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,334
Good, good. Fun.

421
00:14:36,149 --> 00:14:39,115
Okay. It's not a race.
It's not a...

422
00:14:56,009 --> 00:14:57,809
Welcome to the morgue,

423
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,645
Officer and...

424
00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:02,544
Sorry. I have no idea what...

425
00:15:02,859 --> 00:15:04,346
that whole thing... I don't...

426
00:15:04,369 --> 00:15:07,326
I'm reigning cats and dogs.

427
00:15:07,745 --> 00:15:09,543
- What?
- "Reigning" like a queen,

428
00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:11,628
But... but "raining"
like the weather.

429
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:12,316
No.

430
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,282
"It's raining
cats and dogs!"

431
00:15:14,427 --> 00:15:16,460
- Right.
- It's a joke.

432
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:18,371
- Not really.
- What?

433
00:15:18,414 --> 00:15:20,980
Hmm? No, I'm saying, like, it's
not really... not really funny.

434
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,305
- It's hilarious.
- I thought you were going to dress sexy.

435
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,300
A sense of humor is sexy.

436
00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:26,895
I don't want to date the
queen of Cats and Dogs.

437
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,845
- Reigning cats and dogs.
- Makes no sense.

438
00:15:28,876 --> 00:15:30,537
I don't see the queen of
England running around

439
00:15:30,568 --> 00:15:32,306
- with a cape and British people stapled to it.
- What?

440
00:15:32,342 --> 00:15:33,957
When is the last time
you heard somebody say,

441
00:15:33,988 --> 00:15:35,613
"Man, you know what's sexy?

442
00:15:35,654 --> 00:15:38,043
A woman with stuffed
animals taped to her back."

443
00:15:38,142 --> 00:15:40,036
Look how good I look!
Look how stylish I look.

444
00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:42,449
That's not sexy. I feel like
I'm getting a speeding ticket.

445
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,161
Ooh! Shelby, you made me so mad,
my mustache is coming off!

446
00:15:45,192 --> 00:15:47,644
Why do you have a mustache
glued on top of your mustache.

447
00:15:48,526 --> 00:15:50,068
Why aren't we having sex?

448
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,290
- Shut up, bitch.
- Sorry.

449
00:15:56,550 --> 00:15:58,644
Shelby, this is not working.

450
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:00,855
It's just not.

451
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,918
I know.

452
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:05,966
Oh, I get it.

453
00:16:05,997 --> 00:16:07,988
Reigning cats and dogs.

454
00:16:08,546 --> 00:16:10,580
It's funny. It is.

455
00:16:15,271 --> 00:16:17,258
Jess.

456
00:16:18,039 --> 00:16:20,746
Jessica Day, where are you?

457
00:16:23,428 --> 00:16:25,394
No, no!

458
00:16:31,273 --> 00:16:32,992
Very effective.
Very scary.

459
00:16:33,050 --> 00:16:35,095
Come in! Come in!

460
00:16:35,151 --> 00:16:36,583
This is fun.
This is entertaining.

461
00:16:39,977 --> 00:16:42,341
Oh, no! Jess!

462
00:16:42,355 --> 00:16:43,903
No! No!

463
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:46,048
- Jess! No!
- No, I'm her friend.

464
00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:53,605
Somebody help me!

465
00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:55,620
This is my nightmare!

466
00:16:59,798 --> 00:17:02,727
I didn't punch a girl.
I punched a horrifying monster.

467
00:17:02,865 --> 00:17:04,885
You of all people should
know this, Frankenstein.

468
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:06,079
You're the real monster.

469
00:17:06,116 --> 00:17:07,552
Oh, give me a break.

470
00:17:07,951 --> 00:17:09,417
Jess, are you okay?

471
00:17:09,449 --> 00:17:10,397
Yeah. It's nothing.

472
00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:11,487
Nick just punched
me in the face.

473
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,986
- What?
- Oh, my God! No, it was an acc...

474
00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:16,458
- What is wrong with you?
- Jess, I'm sorry!

475
00:17:17,889 --> 00:17:19,940
All right.
Look away.

476
00:17:21,835 --> 00:17:23,822
All right, well, the
bruise is going to heal,

477
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:26,345
but I don't know what to do
about the giant stitches.

478
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:27,765
I mean, those are
going to scar.

479
00:17:27,842 --> 00:17:29,233
And you're looking
a little pale.

480
00:17:29,271 --> 00:17:30,508
What have you been eating?

481
00:17:30,746 --> 00:17:31,795
Brains.

482
00:17:36,835 --> 00:17:38,060
Habit.

483
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:41,774
I think we should go.

484
00:17:42,778 --> 00:17:45,097
Sam. Uh, wait.

485
00:17:45,149 --> 00:17:47,074
Um... um...

486
00:17:47,115 --> 00:17:50,085
uh, I... I like you.

487
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:52,411
- I like you, too, Jess.
- No, but, um...

488
00:17:52,561 --> 00:17:54,565
I care about you,

489
00:17:55,029 --> 00:17:58,342
and, um, I want
to ask you out for real.

490
00:17:58,559 --> 00:18:03,123
So... will you go out with me?

491
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,215
I can't.

492
00:18:11,509 --> 00:18:13,486
I told you...

493
00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:16,361
what I wanted,
and I wasn't lying.

494
00:18:17,451 --> 00:18:18,745
Yeah, um...

495
00:18:18,866 --> 00:18:20,235
I just thought maybe

496
00:18:20,259 --> 00:18:22,238
- you were scared to say it.
- I'm not.

497
00:18:22,276 --> 00:18:23,643
Not scared, you know.

498
00:18:24,456 --> 00:18:26,727
This is how I feel.

499
00:18:29,155 --> 00:18:30,767
Do you want me to go?

500
00:18:41,762 --> 00:18:43,796
- Hey.
- Hey.

501
00:18:44,243 --> 00:18:45,238
You punch a girl?

502
00:18:45,263 --> 00:18:47,714
Yes, I did.
Uh, I'm a coward.

503
00:18:47,809 --> 00:18:49,125
I'm scared of haunted houses.

504
00:18:49,168 --> 00:18:51,184
And I'm scared of you—
I always have been.

505
00:18:51,209 --> 00:18:54,179
That's right. That is what
I've been trying to remember.

506
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:55,524
I was like, "Nick is great."

507
00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:57,530
Why didn't I
realize it years ago?"

508
00:18:57,549 --> 00:19:00,756
And it's because you could not
tell me how you felt.

509
00:19:00,949 --> 00:19:02,631
So you always knew I liked you?

510
00:19:02,661 --> 00:19:05,446
You drove me home
every Thanksgiving break.

511
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:07,334
You lived in Chicago;
I lived in Florida.

512
00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:08,653
Well, I was trying
to avoid the tolls.

513
00:19:12,744 --> 00:19:14,747
How do you feel about me now?

514
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,355
Great. Good.

515
00:19:18,544 --> 00:19:20,645
I can't believe
that after all this time,

516
00:19:20,694 --> 00:19:21,842
you still can't be
honest with me.

517
00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:24,358
I'm sorry, all right?
It's my fault.

518
00:19:24,419 --> 00:19:25,676
Okay, I fell in love with you

519
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,089
the first time I saw
you— that's crazy.

520
00:19:28,350 --> 00:19:30,838
I didn't even know you.
It was just this idea of you.

521
00:19:30,863 --> 00:19:34,845
And then... it just
wasn't what I thought.

522
00:19:37,086 --> 00:19:39,581
And what's up with
the way you kiss?

523
00:19:39,618 --> 00:19:42,551
It's like reverse CPR.
It's like you're...

524
00:19:43,962 --> 00:19:45,385
Hey.

525
00:19:45,610 --> 00:19:47,048
I'm not an idea of a person.

526
00:19:47,073 --> 00:19:49,055
I'm an actual person.

527
00:19:54,121 --> 00:19:55,297
- Okay.
- Ready? Uh-huh.

528
00:19:55,329 --> 00:19:56,773
One, two, three.

529
00:19:59,354 --> 00:20:01,652
All right, let's try it one more time.
Let's see if we can hit the top.

530
00:20:01,677 --> 00:20:03,568
I think you guys deserve
the couples costumes.

531
00:20:03,614 --> 00:20:05,374
Bride and groom.

532
00:20:05,409 --> 00:20:07,426
- Aw.
- How sweet of you.

533
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,643
- Thank you.
- Take the hat.

534
00:20:09,725 --> 00:20:11,556
It's... that's, like,
the most important part.

535
00:20:11,598 --> 00:20:13,751
- Very nice of you to do that, Schmidt.
- Hold this.

536
00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:16,090
Okay, I'm not... I don't need
to wear a second costume.

537
00:20:16,121 --> 00:20:18,253
This and the hat and the
blazer's enough, so that's...

538
00:20:18,287 --> 00:20:20,535
- You need it, Robby.
- Where you going with this here, buddy? I...

539
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:22,710
- You're not going to... the pants, too?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

540
00:20:22,741 --> 00:20:25,129
- We're fine. We're good.
- It's important, man. Need to wear the whole thing.

541
00:20:25,149 --> 00:20:26,768
Just... what are
you going to wear?

542
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:27,890
Plan B was always

543
00:20:27,914 --> 00:20:30,075
Matthew McConaughey
in Magic Mike, so...

544
00:20:30,126 --> 00:20:32,107
Always got to have
a plan B, Robby.

545
00:20:38,065 --> 00:20:40,098
Thanks, man.

546
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:43,488
Wow. I mean,
look at his thighs.

547
00:20:43,512 --> 00:20:45,028
They're like fleshy
tree trunks.

548
00:20:45,053 --> 00:20:46,090
Whoa.

549
00:20:46,447 --> 00:20:48,491
I mean, he just knows
how to work the crowd.

550
00:20:49,442 --> 00:20:50,354
I mean, his thighs

551
00:20:50,378 --> 00:20:52,385
are, like, the size of my head.

552
00:20:53,025 --> 00:20:55,447
- Reigning cats and dogs!
- Yeah!

553
00:20:55,468 --> 00:20:57,256
Coat of arms.

554
00:20:57,304 --> 00:20:58,810
You are so awesome!

555
00:20:59,642 --> 00:21:02,498
You know, I may not
actually be Abraham Lincoln,

556
00:21:02,604 --> 00:21:04,894
but I witnessed
the emancipation

557
00:21:04,912 --> 00:21:06,725
of one black guy tonight...

558
00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:09,443
from a terrible relationship.

559
00:21:09,522 --> 00:21:11,527
Come on.

560
00:21:14,059 --> 00:21:16,336
I know I said you shouldn't
put yourself out there,

561
00:21:16,465 --> 00:21:17,925
but I'm glad you did.

562
00:21:18,125 --> 00:21:21,219
You should be with somebody
who's crazy about you, Jess.

563
00:21:22,226 --> 00:21:23,676
Thanks, Nick.

564
00:21:23,759 --> 00:21:25,659
That'd be really nice
if it wasn't coming

565
00:21:25,683 --> 00:21:27,967
from somebody who just
punched me in the face.

566
00:21:28,624 --> 00:21:29,539
Sorry about that.

567
00:21:29,578 --> 00:21:31,747
- All right, you ready?
- Mm-hmm.

568
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:32,972
Let's do it.

569
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:35,987
All right.
Let's do it.

570
00:21:36,288 --> 00:21:37,348
Okay.

571
00:21:37,666 --> 00:21:40,228
- Jess, let's make this right.
- All right.

572
00:21:46,598 --> 00:21:48,457
I can't do this.

573
00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:51,816
I'm glad you're you,
'cause Jess Day could...

574
00:21:51,848 --> 00:21:54,749
Ow! Mother of...
Damn it!

575
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:59,880
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