1 00:00:03,038 --> 00:00:05,650 Okay, gas, electric, and cable 2 00:00:05,677 --> 00:00:08,196 comes out to $219.34. 3 00:00:08,244 --> 00:00:09,319 Jessica? 4 00:00:09,368 --> 00:00:10,887 Do you have anything to contribute? 5 00:00:10,979 --> 00:00:13,610 - Here we go. - They're not all legal tenders, 6 00:00:13,667 --> 00:00:16,200 - but they have value, like... - Sure. 7 00:00:16,252 --> 00:00:17,777 - That's $5.00. - $5.00. 8 00:00:17,827 --> 00:00:18,582 Library card. 9 00:00:18,612 --> 00:00:20,471 - Library's not just for books any more. - Mm-hmm. 10 00:00:20,511 --> 00:00:22,397 - Library card. - Also, you can check out compact discs. 11 00:00:22,429 --> 00:00:24,171 - What else? This is a fortune. - Um, yeah. 12 00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:26,890 "You are lucky and success." How ironic. 13 00:00:26,930 --> 00:00:29,298 That's going right to the gas company. "Paid in full." 14 00:00:29,391 --> 00:00:31,125 Jess, we can't keep covering for you. 15 00:00:31,155 --> 00:00:32,220 Yes. I understand. 16 00:00:32,244 --> 00:00:33,409 It's just that, um... 17 00:00:33,445 --> 00:00:36,414 recently I went through a, uh, life change 18 00:00:36,439 --> 00:00:37,302 where I was fired. 19 00:00:37,339 --> 00:00:38,506 Maybe I can borrow 20 00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:42,229 the money from my good friend... Winston? 21 00:00:42,262 --> 00:00:44,387 You know, I really wish I could, Jess, but, uh... 22 00:00:44,427 --> 00:00:47,122 I'm a single man now, so basically I have to be able to 23 00:00:47,155 --> 00:00:50,141 trick women into thinking that I can buy them stuff. 24 00:00:50,685 --> 00:00:52,477 Okay! 25 00:00:52,755 --> 00:00:54,811 Here is my share... 26 00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,558 to the penny. 27 00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,898 Yeah! I'm not the poorest! 28 00:00:58,973 --> 00:01:00,604 Second poorest. Now you're the poorest. 29 00:01:00,641 --> 00:01:02,186 - That's gotta be rock bottom. - Yeah, I got it. 30 00:01:02,217 --> 00:01:03,527 You know what? I'm shutting off the gas 31 00:01:03,562 --> 00:01:04,575 until you can get me the money. 32 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:05,843 - What? - What are you talking about? 33 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:07,455 - Don't scapegoat me. - I just gave you my money. 34 00:01:07,498 --> 00:01:09,200 That's called tough love, all right? 35 00:01:09,271 --> 00:01:10,637 No more handouts. 36 00:01:10,674 --> 00:01:11,937 Now, what are you going to do about it? 37 00:01:11,970 --> 00:01:13,705 How are you gonna pay the gas bill? 38 00:01:13,749 --> 00:01:15,259 - I don't know. - I've got an idea. 39 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,392 Get a job. 40 00:01:16,416 --> 00:01:17,749 The school year's already started. 41 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,086 I have a lot of decisions to make 42 00:01:19,141 --> 00:01:20,485 as far as my résumé is concerned. 43 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:21,910 I have to choose a font, 44 00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:23,271 spacing, columns... 45 00:01:23,309 --> 00:01:26,177 Okay, just update your résumé, you ninny. 46 00:01:26,385 --> 00:01:28,399 - Did you call me a ninny? - Yeah, I called you a ninny, 47 00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:30,162 'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny! 48 00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:32,171 Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing! 49 00:01:32,202 --> 00:01:33,640 Ah! Why would you... yucky! No, no, no. 50 00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:34,845 - I don't want to hear it. - It hurts. 51 00:01:34,874 --> 00:01:36,074 I feel like I've laid a million eggs 52 00:01:36,105 --> 00:01:37,204 and they're all hatching. 53 00:01:37,328 --> 00:01:38,945 I feel like I want to murder someone, 54 00:01:38,976 --> 00:01:40,847 and also I want soft pretzels. 55 00:01:40,869 --> 00:01:42,388 You know what? I feel the same way. 56 00:01:42,416 --> 00:01:44,457 Shut up! Shut up, you! 57 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:45,963 'Cause I don't want to hear it! 58 00:01:45,990 --> 00:01:46,784 I've had it! 59 00:01:46,821 --> 00:01:48,155 If any of you cross me, 60 00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:51,368 I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! 61 00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:53,873 Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there. 62 00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:55,652 Because that's where I'm at right now. 63 00:01:55,963 --> 00:01:58,031 Now which one of you guys 64 00:01:58,112 --> 00:02:01,529 wants to tell me to get a job? 65 00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:02,843 Hmm? 66 00:02:03,517 --> 00:02:07,159 Who wants to look me in the face 67 00:02:07,247 --> 00:02:10,047 and tell me to get a job? 68 00:02:10,078 --> 00:02:11,578 Whatever. 69 00:02:13,046 --> 00:02:14,319 "Whatever?" 70 00:02:14,359 --> 00:02:15,754 - What does that mean, huh? - Whatever. 71 00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:18,257 It better mean, "Whatever you say, Jess." 72 00:02:18,282 --> 00:02:20,838 I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse 73 00:02:20,903 --> 00:02:23,205 once a month to act irrationally angry 74 00:02:23,252 --> 00:02:25,352 when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time. 75 00:02:25,371 --> 00:02:26,803 You're irrationally angry 76 00:02:26,874 --> 00:02:28,818 365 days a year, Nick. 77 00:02:28,843 --> 00:02:30,149 What are you talking about? 78 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,315 I will push if I want to push! 79 00:02:34,382 --> 00:02:35,716 Come on! 80 00:02:38,123 --> 00:02:39,623 I hate doors! 81 00:02:39,654 --> 00:02:41,473 Really? Well, that's just your personal opinion, 82 00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:42,762 'cause I don't have anger issues. 83 00:02:42,806 --> 00:02:44,086 You guys think I have anger issues? 84 00:02:44,104 --> 00:02:46,138 Well, I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it an issue. 85 00:02:46,169 --> 00:02:47,669 An issue is something you can fix. 86 00:02:47,684 --> 00:02:49,157 Been that way since I can remember. 87 00:02:51,164 --> 00:02:52,717 This is some watered-down nonsense. 88 00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:54,723 You're some no-good shysters! 89 00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:00,996 On an unrelated note, I've just decided to take a walk. 90 00:03:01,532 --> 00:03:03,130 Fine! Leave! 91 00:03:03,537 --> 00:03:05,303 Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, 92 00:03:05,348 --> 00:03:08,310 I'm gonna go get a job, like it's my... 93 00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:09,404 - Job? - Shut up! 94 00:03:13,432 --> 00:03:18,198 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 95 00:03:24,692 --> 00:03:26,560 Please don't do that, sir. Please. 96 00:03:26,585 --> 00:03:28,803 I would love to sit by myself right now. 97 00:03:31,199 --> 00:03:33,629 There's something real creepy about you, pal. 98 00:03:33,683 --> 00:03:36,051 You want to get weird? Let's get weird. 99 00:03:41,811 --> 00:03:43,445 You got a nice face. 100 00:03:44,928 --> 00:03:46,261 Anger problem? 101 00:03:46,329 --> 00:03:47,823 Living with them? Are you kidding me? 102 00:03:47,847 --> 00:03:49,014 It's frustrating. 103 00:03:49,044 --> 00:03:50,457 It's like... just get a job. 104 00:03:50,488 --> 00:03:51,754 I like your hat. 105 00:03:51,934 --> 00:03:53,737 I like how it's not a team or a logo, 106 00:03:53,768 --> 00:03:54,587 it's just blue. 107 00:03:54,632 --> 00:03:57,301 Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers? 108 00:03:59,669 --> 00:04:00,764 Scales? 109 00:04:00,883 --> 00:04:02,316 Wow, you weirdo. 110 00:04:02,365 --> 00:04:04,890 You want to see me jump really high? 111 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,071 Ha! Ah ha! 112 00:04:07,097 --> 00:04:09,322 I'm afraid of dying, man. 113 00:04:11,493 --> 00:04:13,218 Who am I? 114 00:04:13,255 --> 00:04:14,749 The enemy is en-e-my. 115 00:04:14,781 --> 00:04:17,626 The enemy is the inner me. 116 00:04:18,095 --> 00:04:19,851 Can you understand a word I'm saying? 117 00:04:19,890 --> 00:04:21,964 You just nod at everything. 118 00:04:22,112 --> 00:04:23,679 I need to change. 119 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,431 And you've showed me that. 120 00:04:25,736 --> 00:04:27,552 I have an anger problem. 121 00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:29,299 Thank you. 122 00:04:29,398 --> 00:04:30,729 Can I get a hug? 123 00:04:34,424 --> 00:04:36,130 - I've got a story for you guys. - Ooh. 124 00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:37,613 I met someone at work. 125 00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,112 Emma Sharpe. 126 00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:41,910 Divisional VP of all North America. 127 00:04:41,955 --> 00:04:43,305 Wh-What are you doing in the break room? 128 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,250 This break room is in North America, isn't it? 129 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,937 Sure. That means I'm the Vice President of it. 130 00:04:51,675 --> 00:04:56,579 I am the Vice President of everything in North America. 131 00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:58,634 That sounds like... sexual harassment. 132 00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,903 Robby, there's a fine line between sexual harassment 133 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,117 - and something awesome. - I thought you hated your co-workers. 134 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,354 - You said they were a bunch of... - Pant-suited corporate She-Hulks? 135 00:05:05,384 --> 00:05:06,204 Yeah, I know what I said. 136 00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:09,207 Emma is the craziest woman to ever hit on me. 137 00:05:09,257 --> 00:05:10,795 Schmidt, you're such a nice guy. 138 00:05:10,813 --> 00:05:12,964 - Thank you. - What you deserve is a girl who respects you. 139 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,261 - You know? A nice girl. - Mm-hmm. 140 00:05:14,285 --> 00:05:16,286 I'm not into the nice thing, Robby. Doesn't do it for me. 141 00:05:16,322 --> 00:05:17,705 - Well, that's what I thought, too. - Yeah. 142 00:05:17,736 --> 00:05:20,567 You know, until I found, uh... this one right here. 143 00:05:22,164 --> 00:05:22,831 You mean Cece? 144 00:05:22,843 --> 00:05:25,277 You think that I'm... nice? 145 00:05:25,589 --> 00:05:26,756 No. 146 00:05:26,824 --> 00:05:28,825 I think you're the nicest. 147 00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:30,437 - Mm. - Hmm. 148 00:05:30,529 --> 00:05:32,596 Robby! 149 00:05:35,053 --> 00:05:36,780 Yes, the man just left. 150 00:05:37,020 --> 00:05:38,388 And he turned off the gas. 151 00:05:38,455 --> 00:05:40,202 Yeah, I'm refusing to pay my gas bill 152 00:05:40,233 --> 00:05:41,200 as a matter of principle. 153 00:05:41,232 --> 00:05:42,239 You'd like me to take the survey? 154 00:05:42,257 --> 00:05:43,658 Of course I'll take the survey. 155 00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:45,343 - Schmidt? - Yeah, hold on. 156 00:05:45,365 --> 00:05:46,866 Can I share some thing with you, man to man? 157 00:05:46,891 --> 00:05:48,922 Oh, I'm... 158 00:05:50,546 --> 00:05:52,547 You have to promise me you will not laugh. 159 00:05:52,615 --> 00:05:54,148 Look, I'm... you're not talking to Nick, here. 160 00:05:54,415 --> 00:05:55,504 You're talking to Schmidt. 161 00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:57,219 Schmidt, I think I'm getting my period. 162 00:06:01,222 --> 00:06:02,222 Okay. 163 00:06:02,245 --> 00:06:04,347 This is a real thing, okay? I looked it up on the Internet. 164 00:06:04,376 --> 00:06:06,244 It's called, uh, "sympathy PMS," right? 165 00:06:06,293 --> 00:06:07,766 Now, apparently this is an affliction 166 00:06:07,788 --> 00:06:09,644 that men suffer from all the time. 167 00:06:09,781 --> 00:06:10,494 Right on. 168 00:06:10,535 --> 00:06:12,551 I don't know how it happened, man, 169 00:06:12,714 --> 00:06:16,420 but somehow, I got on that woman's cycle of menstruation... 170 00:06:16,803 --> 00:06:18,472 and I got that menstruation inside of me. 171 00:06:18,505 --> 00:06:19,565 Winston! 172 00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:21,215 Men can't get their periods. 173 00:06:21,322 --> 00:06:22,460 Where would they put the tampon? 174 00:06:22,509 --> 00:06:23,876 Hey! Are you calling me stupid? 175 00:06:23,944 --> 00:06:25,515 You're the one that's stupid, okay? 176 00:06:25,539 --> 00:06:26,592 You jack-faced butthole! 177 00:06:26,610 --> 00:06:28,208 Who's the jack-faced butthole 178 00:06:28,239 --> 00:06:29,687 who turned off the hot water? 179 00:06:29,712 --> 00:06:30,881 Witch! What have you done to my body? 180 00:06:30,905 --> 00:06:32,072 Shut up, you! 181 00:06:32,323 --> 00:06:33,961 Why is there no hot water? 182 00:06:33,998 --> 00:06:35,045 Oh, I'm sorry, Jess. 183 00:06:35,064 --> 00:06:36,814 If you don't pay, you don't play. 184 00:06:37,038 --> 00:06:38,032 You also don't shower. 185 00:06:38,057 --> 00:06:39,290 Are you serious? 186 00:06:39,358 --> 00:06:41,008 - Thank you, Denise. - Hey, hey! 187 00:06:41,032 --> 00:06:41,964 Hey, great buddies. 188 00:06:41,992 --> 00:06:43,348 - Ow, my skin! - Okay. 189 00:06:43,413 --> 00:06:44,981 - Roommates... hey, buddy. - Don't poke me. 190 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:48,443 Something wonderful happened to me today, 191 00:06:48,481 --> 00:06:50,850 and I am no longer angry. It's gone. 192 00:06:50,875 --> 00:06:52,313 Oh, shut up, Nick. 193 00:06:52,363 --> 00:06:53,663 So let me get this straight: 194 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,207 Nothing at all's going to set you off? 195 00:06:55,238 --> 00:06:55,982 That's right. 196 00:06:56,008 --> 00:06:57,458 Nothing's gonna get to me, 197 00:06:57,496 --> 00:06:58,708 'cause it's a new Nick Miller. 198 00:06:58,732 --> 00:07:00,822 Awesome. Hey, Winston, tell him what you have. 199 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,973 Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up. 200 00:07:02,999 --> 00:07:04,518 - Sympathy PMS? What's that? - No! 201 00:07:04,553 --> 00:07:05,872 PMS is mine! 202 00:07:05,916 --> 00:07:07,397 Stop stealing my stuff, Winston. 203 00:07:07,417 --> 00:07:08,484 You're telling me you're having 204 00:07:08,552 --> 00:07:10,071 a pre-menstrual something right now? 205 00:07:10,145 --> 00:07:11,596 - Yes. - Okay. 206 00:07:11,638 --> 00:07:13,218 It's like a character in a Judy Blume novel. 207 00:07:13,237 --> 00:07:14,699 No! You can't have my menzies. 208 00:07:14,755 --> 00:07:15,555 He's got her menzies. 209 00:07:15,573 --> 00:07:17,007 No part of this conversation 210 00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:19,198 is making me want to boil over with rage. 211 00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:21,219 I feel really good, guys. 212 00:07:24,633 --> 00:07:26,233 Hey, gang, why is the water so cold? 213 00:07:26,264 --> 00:07:27,441 Schmidt turned off the hot water, 214 00:07:27,464 --> 00:07:29,339 because it's not enough that I have to go on an interview 215 00:07:29,367 --> 00:07:30,867 with the red devil in my belly, 216 00:07:30,913 --> 00:07:32,744 I also have to go unshowered. 217 00:07:32,761 --> 00:07:34,905 There's no hot water in the whole house? 218 00:07:34,925 --> 00:07:36,192 Yeah. 219 00:07:36,235 --> 00:07:36,991 Seems strange. 220 00:07:37,016 --> 00:07:38,617 Maybe a cold shower will wake you up 221 00:07:38,641 --> 00:07:40,755 to some harsh financial realities, Jessica Day. 222 00:07:40,770 --> 00:07:43,662 You don't control my heat, Theodore P. Gasbag. 223 00:07:43,685 --> 00:07:44,387 This is good! 224 00:07:44,436 --> 00:07:46,003 We got a lot of feelings going around. 225 00:07:46,056 --> 00:07:46,737 A lot of anger. 226 00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:48,297 And you. You... 227 00:07:48,495 --> 00:07:49,895 You're suddenly calm? 228 00:07:49,925 --> 00:07:51,125 - Yeah. - Really? 229 00:07:51,244 --> 00:07:53,732 It feels like a fat man's sitting on my uterus. 230 00:07:53,753 --> 00:07:54,603 I hear that. 231 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,041 Gonna go to the store! 232 00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,911 Does anybody want anything? 233 00:08:00,014 --> 00:08:01,760 Thank you, Denise. 234 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,184 Hey, you wanted to see me? 235 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,773 Shut the door. 236 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:08,920 Whoa. 237 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:11,157 Quick reflexes. Good. 238 00:08:11,582 --> 00:08:14,651 I am going to devour you. 239 00:08:14,748 --> 00:08:17,168 - You see that contract? - Oh, the thick one? 240 00:08:17,357 --> 00:08:18,725 With all those tabbies? 241 00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:22,084 Do me on it. 242 00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:23,166 Pick that up. 243 00:08:23,191 --> 00:08:26,291 Did you just ask me to pick it up to see me bend over? 244 00:08:26,366 --> 00:08:27,298 No. 245 00:08:27,982 --> 00:08:29,807 Oh, wait, I'm doing it. 246 00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:31,409 Stand up. 247 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,128 What is this thing? 248 00:08:34,153 --> 00:08:36,234 You're gonna have to sign it before anything can happen between us. 249 00:08:36,259 --> 00:08:37,753 "Party A absolves Party B 250 00:08:37,787 --> 00:08:39,720 "of any psychological trauma, 251 00:08:39,756 --> 00:08:42,125 whether temporary, permanent, future or imagined." 252 00:08:42,161 --> 00:08:43,789 After we do what we do, you're gonna want to talk. 253 00:08:43,821 --> 00:08:44,988 I can't allow that. 254 00:08:45,011 --> 00:08:46,804 The less risk I incur, the more I can focus on 255 00:08:46,829 --> 00:08:49,485 creating a viable sexual experience for both of us. 256 00:08:49,932 --> 00:08:51,781 You're gonna want to sign it. 257 00:08:52,039 --> 00:08:54,215 "Possible exposure to lead paint." 258 00:08:54,282 --> 00:08:56,181 Do I have a latex allergy? 259 00:08:56,223 --> 00:08:56,949 That's very important. 260 00:08:56,974 --> 00:08:58,805 "Guaranteed mercury poisoning"? 261 00:08:58,835 --> 00:08:59,654 Mm. 262 00:08:59,702 --> 00:09:00,768 Is this real? 263 00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:05,251 You have till week's end to sign it. 264 00:09:06,749 --> 00:09:08,469 What is your name? 265 00:09:08,744 --> 00:09:10,115 I can't keep thinking of you 266 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:12,140 as my magical best friend with no name. 267 00:09:12,231 --> 00:09:14,296 Joe. Tommy. 268 00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:16,701 Louis. Tran. 269 00:09:17,694 --> 00:09:19,529 Is it Tran? 270 00:09:21,189 --> 00:09:22,423 What a crazy guess! 271 00:09:22,471 --> 00:09:24,438 Beautiful name. Fits you perfectly. 272 00:09:24,683 --> 00:09:27,183 My roommates are killing me. 273 00:09:30,282 --> 00:09:31,100 Fine, you're right. 274 00:09:31,125 --> 00:09:32,152 Okay, I like them, all right? 275 00:09:32,183 --> 00:09:34,027 I hate myself. Is that what you want me to say? 276 00:09:34,076 --> 00:09:36,739 Why do you always have to make everything so simple? 277 00:09:36,846 --> 00:09:38,447 How do you just get it? 278 00:09:38,721 --> 00:09:40,002 How do I become you? 279 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,277 Show me the way, man. I'll do anything. 280 00:09:46,995 --> 00:09:48,301 All right, man, I'm in. 281 00:09:48,322 --> 00:09:50,791 You lead, my man. 282 00:09:51,303 --> 00:09:53,938 All right, whatever is about to happen's gonna happen. 283 00:10:12,057 --> 00:10:13,863 Jessica Day? 284 00:10:14,193 --> 00:10:15,760 So why do you want to teach adults? 285 00:10:15,834 --> 00:10:18,182 I think it's really inspiring that these people have chosen 286 00:10:18,206 --> 00:10:19,643 to go back to school, you know, 287 00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:21,915 that they want to read To Kill A Mockingbird, 288 00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:23,052 - that they want... - Oh! 289 00:10:23,097 --> 00:10:25,404 I named my dog Boo after... 290 00:10:25,434 --> 00:10:26,734 After Boo Radley? 291 00:10:26,766 --> 00:10:28,323 - Exactly. - That's amazing. 292 00:10:28,372 --> 00:10:29,508 Oh, my God. 293 00:10:29,522 --> 00:10:30,443 She was a puppy. 294 00:10:30,468 --> 00:10:31,431 She's so cute. 295 00:10:31,468 --> 00:10:32,688 I know. 296 00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,186 Such a cutie. 297 00:10:43,886 --> 00:10:47,087 This cup is so tiny. 298 00:10:47,561 --> 00:10:49,583 So cute. 299 00:10:49,668 --> 00:10:51,401 Sorry, how did she fit in the cup? 300 00:10:51,425 --> 00:10:52,533 I just don't understand. 301 00:10:52,558 --> 00:10:55,660 Just physically, how did she get so small? 302 00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,560 I'm sorry, um... 303 00:10:58,629 --> 00:11:00,096 I'm sorry, I got this... 304 00:11:00,364 --> 00:11:01,664 I don't know what's wrong. 305 00:11:01,707 --> 00:11:02,660 So weird. 306 00:11:02,716 --> 00:11:04,695 Never happens to me. 307 00:11:05,119 --> 00:11:06,131 She's really cute. 308 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,422 Yes, she was. 309 00:11:14,788 --> 00:11:16,057 Did she die? 310 00:11:16,135 --> 00:11:17,168 It's fine. 311 00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:18,513 It's been two years. 312 00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:29,334 Puppy... 313 00:11:30,252 --> 00:11:32,915 in a... 314 00:11:33,190 --> 00:11:34,857 cup. 315 00:11:38,788 --> 00:11:40,189 So... 316 00:11:40,217 --> 00:11:42,825 we're both dog people, right? 317 00:11:48,022 --> 00:11:49,579 Schmidt, am I nice? 318 00:11:49,619 --> 00:11:51,419 - No. - Thank you. 319 00:11:52,714 --> 00:11:55,008 Nobody thinks I'm a nice girl, okay? 320 00:11:55,032 --> 00:11:55,965 I'm the mistake. 321 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,650 Ah, Robby. 322 00:11:57,674 --> 00:11:59,762 Midwestern heart, Midwestern body. 323 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,393 I'm the one who messes things up. 324 00:12:01,414 --> 00:12:02,334 I agree with you. 325 00:12:02,359 --> 00:12:04,447 I feel like he doesn't even know me. 326 00:12:06,399 --> 00:12:07,924 You're getting your smell all over the comforter. 327 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:08,763 Oh, my God. 328 00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:10,806 Took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell. 329 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,155 What happens when he realizes 330 00:12:12,188 --> 00:12:14,356 he was wrong about me the entire time? 331 00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:15,834 He's just gonna run away. 332 00:12:15,871 --> 00:12:17,472 I would, I would never run away from you. 333 00:12:19,019 --> 00:12:21,524 But if I did, I would run way faster than Robby. 334 00:12:22,851 --> 00:12:24,552 'Cause he's slow. 335 00:12:24,819 --> 00:12:25,853 And I'm fast. 336 00:12:28,944 --> 00:12:32,045 Maybe I'm just not meant for a functional relationship. 337 00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:33,987 You know me, Schmidt. 338 00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:36,746 You don't ever have to be nice around me. 339 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,065 I'm not scared of you. 340 00:12:38,130 --> 00:12:40,065 I mean, I'm bad. 341 00:12:41,780 --> 00:12:43,322 I do... 342 00:12:43,425 --> 00:12:45,802 I do bad things. 343 00:12:46,163 --> 00:12:48,026 I don't think you're a nice girl. 344 00:12:48,633 --> 00:12:50,199 Think you're the worst. 345 00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,344 No. 346 00:12:59,368 --> 00:13:00,093 No...? 347 00:13:00,124 --> 00:13:02,658 No. I can't do this to Robby. 348 00:13:02,721 --> 00:13:04,451 But you're a bad person. We discussed that. 349 00:13:04,476 --> 00:13:06,484 - You're a bad person, I'm a bad person. - Yep. 350 00:13:06,513 --> 00:13:08,180 We can totally do this. No qualms. 351 00:13:08,217 --> 00:13:10,030 - I have a qualm. I have a qualm. - You don't have a qualm. 352 00:13:10,062 --> 00:13:11,017 We sold our qualms, 353 00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:12,617 and we used the profits to buy perfect bodies. 354 00:13:12,650 --> 00:13:14,686 - Robby is right. - Hmm. 355 00:13:14,724 --> 00:13:16,699 - I'm nice. - I'm not nice, all right? 356 00:13:16,736 --> 00:13:20,044 And I like Robby, but that is doing nothing right now 357 00:13:20,095 --> 00:13:22,129 from stopping me from wanting to kiss you. 358 00:13:22,184 --> 00:13:23,230 Stop, stop, stop, stop. 359 00:13:23,248 --> 00:13:24,849 But I-I don't want to stop. 360 00:13:24,922 --> 00:13:25,785 I really don't. 361 00:13:25,822 --> 00:13:27,841 I will never stop wanting to kiss you. 362 00:13:28,044 --> 00:13:30,294 I am a monster. 363 00:13:31,663 --> 00:13:32,655 I got to go. 364 00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,042 Yeah, sure. Have fun. 365 00:13:34,141 --> 00:13:36,254 Thank you. I really needed this. 366 00:13:36,352 --> 00:13:37,252 Mm-hmm. 367 00:13:45,079 --> 00:13:46,454 And I... 368 00:13:50,423 --> 00:13:52,553 I'm a monster. 369 00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,101 Okay. 370 00:13:55,250 --> 00:13:56,838 What is this place? 371 00:13:57,060 --> 00:13:59,795 What are you...? 372 00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:01,733 What would you like? 373 00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:03,422 What does this mean? 374 00:14:03,579 --> 00:14:05,260 Let's not do this. 375 00:14:05,305 --> 00:14:07,424 Let's not take off our clothes. 376 00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:09,723 Let's go back to the park where it was good... 377 00:14:17,115 --> 00:14:18,983 What do I know? 378 00:14:22,617 --> 00:14:25,320 We're taking our pants off? 379 00:14:26,893 --> 00:14:29,053 Okay. Keep those underwear on, am I right? 380 00:14:29,116 --> 00:14:30,850 Yeah. 381 00:14:30,961 --> 00:14:32,996 Stay on. Underwear good. 382 00:14:38,302 --> 00:14:40,970 Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend? 383 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:43,861 This is not how guys of my generation hang out. 384 00:14:43,948 --> 00:14:47,829 This is a moment that got away from me, man. 385 00:14:52,082 --> 00:14:54,050 Oh, that's my butt. 386 00:14:54,085 --> 00:14:56,220 This is intimate. 387 00:14:59,297 --> 00:15:01,598 How did you know? 388 00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:08,988 You are a huge baby. 389 00:15:09,012 --> 00:15:11,063 Yeah, I am. 390 00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:15,639 I am a huge baby. 391 00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:17,237 Forget it, I'm done. 392 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:18,692 I'm not getting a teaching job. 393 00:15:18,729 --> 00:15:19,259 Mm. 394 00:15:19,277 --> 00:15:20,983 Just can't go back out there, you know? 395 00:15:21,023 --> 00:15:22,290 Oh, I feel you, Jess. 396 00:15:22,477 --> 00:15:23,708 I took a sick day. 397 00:15:23,736 --> 00:15:26,736 I just stayed at home and did a watercolor of mountains. 398 00:15:26,847 --> 00:15:28,848 So you gonna get this, like, every month? 399 00:15:28,885 --> 00:15:30,846 I mean, it's a possibility from all the information 400 00:15:30,877 --> 00:15:32,121 that I've read on the Internet. 401 00:15:32,202 --> 00:15:33,350 That women like you 402 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,678 - are the alpha. - What? 403 00:15:34,696 --> 00:15:37,352 You're like the powerful moon, and all the women in your life 404 00:15:37,383 --> 00:15:40,085 are just latched on to your cycle. 405 00:15:40,477 --> 00:15:43,685 In my case, grown-ass man. 406 00:15:44,259 --> 00:15:46,233 Oh, yeah, good news. 407 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,019 The gang's all here. 408 00:15:48,044 --> 00:15:49,036 Guys just PMS-ing? 409 00:15:49,054 --> 00:15:49,799 Not in the mood today. 410 00:15:49,817 --> 00:15:51,268 Don't really feel like being yelled at, 411 00:15:51,308 --> 00:15:52,809 so what I'm gonna do is go ahead and leave, 412 00:15:52,838 --> 00:15:54,744 because right now I'm feeling very fragile. 413 00:15:54,769 --> 00:15:55,422 I understand. 414 00:15:55,452 --> 00:15:56,326 What's wrong with you? 415 00:15:56,363 --> 00:15:57,614 I'm no longer angry! 416 00:15:57,745 --> 00:16:00,458 All the anger that used to be inside of me is gone! 417 00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:01,935 It's gone, it's gone! 418 00:16:01,954 --> 00:16:04,655 This is the worst thing I've ever seen. 419 00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,706 - What is wrong with you? - No. 420 00:16:07,738 --> 00:16:08,901 Period's got you down? 421 00:16:08,919 --> 00:16:10,475 That is such a raw deal. 422 00:16:10,516 --> 00:16:12,010 Want me to get you a sanitary napkin? 423 00:16:12,057 --> 00:16:13,124 Ew! 424 00:16:13,159 --> 00:16:14,116 Okay, I won't get that. 425 00:16:14,135 --> 00:16:15,929 But you're okay with pads or tampons 426 00:16:15,961 --> 00:16:17,328 or whatever it is that you're using? 427 00:16:18,396 --> 00:16:20,267 Tell me about your day, please. 428 00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:21,894 I want to get into your universe. 429 00:16:21,933 --> 00:16:23,769 Let's rap it out. Go. 430 00:16:24,172 --> 00:16:25,744 Floor is yours, pal. 431 00:16:25,770 --> 00:16:27,295 Talk, talk, talk. 432 00:16:27,325 --> 00:16:28,189 I want to listen. 433 00:16:28,214 --> 00:16:30,052 - No. - 30 seconds of direct eye contact? 434 00:16:30,077 --> 00:16:31,645 Stop it, Nick. Please, stop. 435 00:16:31,674 --> 00:16:32,707 In three seconds, I'll be silent. 436 00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:34,584 One, two... 437 00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:37,480 I bombed all my interviews. 438 00:16:37,514 --> 00:16:38,794 What? What happened? 439 00:16:38,818 --> 00:16:41,850 I was sabotaged by my baby box, 440 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,318 which means I'm never 441 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,990 gonna trust anything that comes out of it. 442 00:16:45,027 --> 00:16:47,028 So that rules out a family. 443 00:16:47,096 --> 00:16:49,397 I know just the thing you need. 444 00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:51,003 Come with me. 445 00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:54,557 Welcome to the wonderful world of water massage. 446 00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:04,039 You are a piece of seaweed. 447 00:17:04,205 --> 00:17:06,382 You are totally happy. 448 00:17:06,413 --> 00:17:07,069 Ow! 449 00:17:07,096 --> 00:17:08,746 - I don't mean to touch your boobs! - You're touching my boobs! 450 00:17:08,771 --> 00:17:09,604 I don't mean to touch your boobs! 451 00:17:09,631 --> 00:17:10,831 Fail, fail, fail. 452 00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:11,962 The next move is... 453 00:17:11,986 --> 00:17:13,119 Oh, my...! 454 00:17:13,181 --> 00:17:15,615 Relaxing is important. Relaxing is important. 455 00:17:19,387 --> 00:17:21,221 Relax! 456 00:17:21,532 --> 00:17:22,470 Oh, no. 457 00:17:22,491 --> 00:17:23,858 What are you trying to do? 458 00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:24,832 Kill me? 459 00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:26,460 It worked for me. 460 00:17:26,660 --> 00:17:28,289 I was trying to help you. 461 00:17:28,674 --> 00:17:31,023 I've been watching you doubt yourself for months. 462 00:17:31,098 --> 00:17:33,173 - I'm not doubting myself. - You're doubting yourself, Jess. 463 00:17:33,222 --> 00:17:35,699 - No, Nick, it's PMS. - It's not PMS. 464 00:17:37,004 --> 00:17:38,738 You got knocked down. 465 00:17:38,806 --> 00:17:40,238 It's time to get back up. 466 00:17:40,706 --> 00:17:43,294 And get up long enough for one of these bozos to hire you. 467 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,898 I believe in you. 468 00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:49,007 So does that guy. 469 00:17:49,816 --> 00:17:50,982 Hey. 470 00:17:51,050 --> 00:17:52,483 Think you can do that? 471 00:17:52,895 --> 00:17:55,757 And if you don't, I'm gonna water massage you again. 472 00:17:56,121 --> 00:17:57,816 - Can you do that? - Yes. 473 00:17:57,835 --> 00:17:59,924 - Can you do that? - Yes! 474 00:18:01,964 --> 00:18:03,266 Jessica Day? 475 00:18:03,394 --> 00:18:05,796 - Yes, I'm here. - Weren't you here the other day? 476 00:18:05,864 --> 00:18:07,782 Weren't you here the other day? 477 00:18:08,498 --> 00:18:09,833 Yes, I was. 478 00:18:13,356 --> 00:18:16,640 Well, I signed it. Please note the added provision. 479 00:18:16,914 --> 00:18:19,114 In any autobiographical account of my life, 480 00:18:19,138 --> 00:18:22,194 you want to be referred to as Moises Perdue. 481 00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:23,998 Non-negotiable. 482 00:18:24,210 --> 00:18:26,344 But you're fine with the rest of it? 483 00:18:26,368 --> 00:18:28,926 Look, I'm a depraved freak, and I want to wander into 484 00:18:28,950 --> 00:18:31,085 your Narnia of sexual terror 485 00:18:31,125 --> 00:18:33,950 and emerge like a freshly birthed calf. 486 00:18:34,594 --> 00:18:35,461 Put your hands out. 487 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,123 Let's do this. 488 00:18:38,758 --> 00:18:40,032 Are you ready? 489 00:18:42,228 --> 00:18:43,829 I'm ready. All right. 490 00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:44,961 Oh, yeah. 491 00:18:46,638 --> 00:18:47,406 Okay. 492 00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:48,594 Interesting technique. 493 00:18:50,105 --> 00:18:50,762 Hold tight. 494 00:18:50,786 --> 00:18:53,318 I mean, I could totally get out of this. 495 00:18:53,435 --> 00:18:55,170 What, have you never bound somebody before? 496 00:18:55,332 --> 00:18:56,465 I got to start over. 497 00:18:56,584 --> 00:18:58,003 This your first time? 498 00:19:01,185 --> 00:19:02,487 Are you rejecting me? 499 00:19:02,554 --> 00:19:04,121 No, I— no. 500 00:19:04,501 --> 00:19:05,245 I mean... 501 00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:08,939 Because legally... you can't. 502 00:19:12,114 --> 00:19:13,515 Now take off your pants. 503 00:19:14,146 --> 00:19:14,779 Okay. 504 00:19:14,865 --> 00:19:15,766 Now. 505 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:17,233 All right, all right. 506 00:19:19,761 --> 00:19:22,220 I got it. I got it. 507 00:19:22,298 --> 00:19:23,898 Right there. Oh. 508 00:19:24,009 --> 00:19:25,061 No, I got it. 509 00:19:25,090 --> 00:19:26,324 Hold on, I got it. 510 00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:29,247 I did it. I did it. 511 00:19:29,446 --> 00:19:30,446 Ladies and gentlemen, 512 00:19:30,514 --> 00:19:31,833 drumroll please. 513 00:19:33,817 --> 00:19:35,685 Cut! Cut, Nick! 514 00:19:35,721 --> 00:19:36,446 Snare drum. 515 00:19:36,483 --> 00:19:37,689 I shouldn't have to specify. 516 00:19:37,774 --> 00:19:39,999 - Jess, that was a cymbal. - Cymbals are part of the drum kit. 517 00:19:40,036 --> 00:19:40,768 Yeah. 518 00:19:40,814 --> 00:19:43,150 Nevertheless, we are gathered here today to celebrate 519 00:19:43,168 --> 00:19:46,013 the reemployment of Jessica F. Day. 520 00:19:46,048 --> 00:19:48,542 - Not my middle initial. - Who will once again 521 00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:51,147 be in the classroom, molding the minds of children. 522 00:19:51,187 --> 00:19:54,123 Actually, I'm gonna be remolding the minds of grown-ups, 523 00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:56,454 'cause I'm gonna be teaching creative writing to adults. 524 00:19:56,483 --> 00:19:57,616 So, what, are you gonna be, like, 525 00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:58,921 reading a bunch of weirdos' writing? 526 00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:00,530 Well, I hope you like stories about vampires 527 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,043 - and bad childhoods. - I do. 528 00:20:02,088 --> 00:20:03,376 - You're gonna get them. - In any case, 529 00:20:03,407 --> 00:20:06,338 I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are thrilled 530 00:20:06,363 --> 00:20:09,032 that you will once again have a reason to shower daily. 531 00:20:09,061 --> 00:20:10,111 Yes. 532 00:20:10,253 --> 00:20:13,455 Now, let there be gas. 533 00:20:13,742 --> 00:20:15,243 - Yeah! - Yeah! 534 00:20:15,263 --> 00:20:16,488 Ah, yeah! 535 00:20:16,543 --> 00:20:19,393 - Gonna be hot water in six to ten minutes, fool! What? - Yeah! 536 00:20:24,966 --> 00:20:26,900 Schmidt! Schmidt! 537 00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:28,134 Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! 538 00:20:28,202 --> 00:20:29,790 - Where's Winston? - Where is Winston? 539 00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:31,166 - Go get Winston! - Where is he? 540 00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:33,230 Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! 541 00:20:33,254 --> 00:20:34,920 Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! 542 00:20:34,957 --> 00:20:36,804 Schmidt! Schmidt! 543 00:20:36,877 --> 00:20:38,498 Come on, jump around with us. 544 00:20:38,545 --> 00:20:40,440 Come jump with us, Winston. 545 00:20:40,491 --> 00:20:42,124 Sleepy eyes. 546 00:20:42,169 --> 00:20:43,243 Hey. 547 00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:45,349 What's going on, man? 548 00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:49,905 I don't really have PMS. 549 00:20:50,121 --> 00:20:52,556 I know. You're a man. 550 00:20:56,327 --> 00:20:58,062 I miss Shelby. 551 00:20:58,547 --> 00:21:00,348 This is all about your breakup? 552 00:21:01,966 --> 00:21:03,760 I know just the thing you need. 553 00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:04,873 Oh, no. 554 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,354 Just relax and breathe. 555 00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,496 I'll take your shoulders. 556 00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:08,776 I'll take your feet. 557 00:21:08,972 --> 00:21:10,540 This is really weird, man. 558 00:21:10,608 --> 00:21:11,741 Really weird. 559 00:21:11,809 --> 00:21:12,842 Cool vibe, man. 560 00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:15,945 What are you guys doing now? 561 00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:17,775 What have I gotten myself into? 562 00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:18,900 Hey, lady, 563 00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:20,566 crushing that flute, babe. 564 00:21:21,117 --> 00:21:22,248 And breathe. 565 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:23,814 Okay, I'm trying. I'm gonna do that. 566 00:21:23,833 --> 00:21:24,851 Whoa. Just chill out. 567 00:21:24,869 --> 00:21:26,732 Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing with my legs? 568 00:21:26,766 --> 00:21:28,303 No! Come on! Come on, chill out! 569 00:21:29,459 --> 00:21:30,692 Nick, what are you doing, man? 570 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,027 Reset. Let's reset. 571 00:21:32,144 --> 00:21:33,448 This is weird! 572 00:21:33,995 --> 00:21:36,076 No! No! No! 573 00:21:37,064 --> 00:21:42,064 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther