1 00:00:04,792 --> 00:00:06,092 Jess, I'm not done with that. 2 00:00:06,263 --> 00:00:08,498 That's $18 granola— handmade. 3 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:09,785 $18 for granola? 4 00:00:09,797 --> 00:00:11,883 Okay, you're gonna be eating two Thanksgiving meals today, 5 00:00:11,921 --> 00:00:12,772 so starve yourself. 6 00:00:12,794 --> 00:00:14,050 Jess, I get it that your parents 7 00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:16,826 are divorced, but can't they just have one meal together? 8 00:00:16,857 --> 00:00:18,295 Yeah, sure, they can if they're both 9 00:00:18,348 --> 00:00:19,492 gagged and blindfolded. 10 00:00:19,523 --> 00:00:21,386 Okay, listen up, guys, my mom is gonna be here 11 00:00:21,404 --> 00:00:23,583 at 9:00 and she's staying till 2:00, 12 00:00:23,608 --> 00:00:25,609 and then my dad's going to be here at 2:30 13 00:00:25,642 --> 00:00:27,133 and he's gonna stay till 7:30. 14 00:00:27,145 --> 00:00:28,194 I should also warn you guys 15 00:00:28,213 --> 00:00:31,357 - that my mom's a little bit perky. - Wait, you think she's perky? 16 00:00:31,383 --> 00:00:32,904 Well, she doesn't have my dark side. 17 00:00:32,998 --> 00:00:34,199 I got that from my dad. 18 00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:36,442 Nick, you're gonna love my dad so much. 19 00:00:36,488 --> 00:00:37,663 He's so unhappy. 20 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,986 I'm not into dads, I'm not a dad guy. 21 00:00:40,023 --> 00:00:42,097 I don't like 'em, don't trust 'em, never have. 22 00:00:42,144 --> 00:00:43,043 Oh, that's her. 23 00:00:43,092 --> 00:00:45,311 - It's okay, man. - What's okay, man? 24 00:00:46,173 --> 00:00:47,923 - Oh. - Momsicle. 25 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,551 Oh, Jujube. 26 00:00:49,587 --> 00:00:51,043 Wow, showed up looking like a pilgrim. 27 00:00:51,075 --> 00:00:52,242 - Every year. - Hello, everyone. 28 00:00:52,274 --> 00:00:53,939 - This is my mom Joan. - Hi. 29 00:00:53,992 --> 00:00:55,411 - This is everybody. - Hi. 30 00:00:55,429 --> 00:00:57,525 Oh, come on over, I just want to give you all a big hug. 31 00:00:57,584 --> 00:00:59,727 - Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug. - Do it, come on. 32 00:00:59,773 --> 00:01:01,741 Come on, we'll do a big hug ball, come on. 33 00:01:01,775 --> 00:01:03,476 - Come on, Cece, you know how to do this. - Yep. 34 00:01:03,515 --> 00:01:04,367 You in the white shirt. 35 00:01:04,421 --> 00:01:05,454 I don't do hug balls. 36 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:06,784 Come on in. 37 00:01:06,835 --> 00:01:09,016 Hug ball jumping, hug ball jumping. 38 00:01:09,082 --> 00:01:10,315 Okay. 39 00:01:10,729 --> 00:01:12,218 - All right. - Whoo! 40 00:01:12,233 --> 00:01:13,483 Oh, dear God. 41 00:01:14,486 --> 00:01:16,142 - A hug ball? - Dad. 42 00:01:16,178 --> 00:01:18,075 - Well, hello, Bob. - You're early. 43 00:01:18,093 --> 00:01:20,178 You know what I'm thankful for today? 44 00:01:21,065 --> 00:01:22,115 Divorce. 45 00:01:26,321 --> 00:01:30,324 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 46 00:01:30,368 --> 00:01:32,926 No, no, no, no, it was my mistake, it's my mistake. 47 00:01:32,996 --> 00:01:34,184 I'll wait five hours 48 00:01:34,202 --> 00:01:35,452 and come back when Joan's shift is up. 49 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,161 Bob, just stay. 50 00:01:37,195 --> 00:01:38,730 What if we need something ruined? 51 00:01:38,755 --> 00:01:41,062 - Mom! - It's all right, I'll spend my holiday 52 00:01:41,099 --> 00:01:42,293 at a Los Angeles coffee shop... 53 00:01:42,317 --> 00:01:44,165 - No... - Sitting around with people 54 00:01:44,189 --> 00:01:45,973 who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving 55 00:01:45,991 --> 00:01:47,491 than work on their screenplay. 56 00:01:47,717 --> 00:01:49,968 I probably won't want to blow my head off. 57 00:01:49,990 --> 00:01:52,162 Bob, we are both grown-ups. 58 00:01:52,193 --> 00:01:54,356 We can make it through one day together. 59 00:01:54,378 --> 00:01:55,578 Please, Dad. 60 00:02:00,348 --> 00:02:02,649 - Well done, Jessica Day. - Pardon? 61 00:02:02,674 --> 00:02:06,594 "My mom's coming at 9:00 a.m. and my dad's coming at 2:30." 62 00:02:06,628 --> 00:02:08,412 I have no idea what you're talking about. 63 00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:10,751 The movie you made me watch a million times. 64 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,799 - Rocky IV? - Parent Trap. 65 00:02:12,817 --> 00:02:15,486 What? I don't... 66 00:02:16,125 --> 00:02:16,995 Mm-hmm. 67 00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:18,186 Why would I do that? 68 00:02:18,323 --> 00:02:20,007 Parent Trap— crazy. 69 00:02:20,041 --> 00:02:23,049 Mom, Dad, help, there's a man in the room. 70 00:02:23,108 --> 00:02:24,510 He's trying to get us to eat candy. 71 00:02:24,554 --> 00:02:25,666 Jess, Jess. Jess? 72 00:02:25,724 --> 00:02:27,180 Jess, are you okay? 73 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,253 What's the matter? Are you...? 74 00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:32,775 Oh, damn it, Jess, that's the second time today. 75 00:02:33,010 --> 00:02:35,277 Smile, Mom, you still got it. 76 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,326 Jessica, what are you doing? 77 00:02:37,369 --> 00:02:39,070 I want him to see what he's missing. 78 00:02:39,121 --> 00:02:40,822 You're texting your father? 79 00:02:41,356 --> 00:02:43,257 That was a long time ago, Cece, 80 00:02:43,275 --> 00:02:44,358 when I was young and naive. 81 00:02:44,376 --> 00:02:45,993 - Just go. - Excuse me. 82 00:02:48,379 --> 00:02:49,892 What's with all the crappy beer, man? 83 00:02:49,929 --> 00:02:50,736 You hate that stuff. 84 00:02:50,767 --> 00:02:52,334 Let's just say that my cousin doesn't exactly have 85 00:02:52,376 --> 00:02:54,193 the most sophisticated palate. 86 00:02:54,253 --> 00:02:57,054 Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota, 87 00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:58,080 he actually went to juvie 88 00:02:58,111 --> 00:02:59,836 for stealing the synagogue's minivan. 89 00:02:59,858 --> 00:03:01,233 It's been that way since we were kids. 90 00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:02,610 Made my life a living hell. 91 00:03:02,644 --> 00:03:05,713 I'm the strong kind of fat. 92 00:03:07,301 --> 00:03:09,105 Yes, yes, yes! 93 00:03:09,201 --> 00:03:11,396 Please tell me he's going to sit on you when he gets here. 94 00:03:11,478 --> 00:03:13,479 He's a good guy, I'm telling you, he's totally changed. 95 00:03:13,516 --> 00:03:15,985 - Okay. - He settled down with this great woman named Krista. 96 00:03:16,010 --> 00:03:16,843 She's coming. 97 00:03:16,890 --> 00:03:19,185 Actually went Legoltod with them last year. 98 00:03:19,186 --> 00:03:20,656 He didn't pressure me to go on any of the rides 99 00:03:20,687 --> 00:03:21,602 I wasn't comfortable with. 100 00:03:21,624 --> 00:03:24,209 Ho! Ha-ha. 101 00:03:24,449 --> 00:03:25,645 How you doing, little buddy? 102 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:26,631 Come here. 103 00:03:26,672 --> 00:03:28,022 - Oh! - Oh! 104 00:03:28,388 --> 00:03:29,356 Okay. 105 00:03:29,454 --> 00:03:31,067 - Hey. - What's up, man? Winston. 106 00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,099 Nice to meet you, I'm Schmidt. 107 00:03:32,135 --> 00:03:34,219 I actually go by Schmidt, uh, around here. 108 00:03:34,278 --> 00:03:35,832 There can only be one— you know the rule. 109 00:03:35,887 --> 00:03:37,821 - Ah! Look at that right there. - That's... 110 00:03:37,962 --> 00:03:38,962 Where's Krista? 111 00:03:39,465 --> 00:03:40,758 Krista and I have a new arrangement. 112 00:03:40,777 --> 00:03:42,110 Okay. - I, uh, 113 00:03:42,201 --> 00:03:43,835 I can sleep with whoever I want, 114 00:03:44,050 --> 00:03:47,052 but she doesn't speak to me or live with me any more. 115 00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:51,328 Hey, Dad, you want to help us? 116 00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,262 I have to stay away from salmonella. 117 00:03:53,371 --> 00:03:55,339 You don't have to lick it, Bob. 118 00:03:55,429 --> 00:03:56,713 No, no, no, my doctor says... 119 00:03:56,744 --> 00:03:59,116 It was a joke, it was just a joke. 120 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:00,483 I have a sense of humor. 121 00:04:00,606 --> 00:04:02,683 If that was a joke, here is a pencil. 122 00:04:02,908 --> 00:04:04,440 Draw me a map to the joke. 123 00:04:04,456 --> 00:04:06,123 Guys, it doesn't have to be like this. 124 00:04:06,139 --> 00:04:08,878 Mom. you're in a great place with your practice. 125 00:04:09,059 --> 00:04:11,215 Dad, I'm sorry Katherine cheated on you, 126 00:04:11,234 --> 00:04:13,452 - but it's been months. - Jess. 127 00:04:13,641 --> 00:04:15,061 - What are you...? - I'm sorry, I thought, 128 00:04:15,143 --> 00:04:17,061 I thought, I— I'm s— I thought everyone knew. 129 00:04:17,097 --> 00:04:19,241 You grieved so publicly on Instagram— 130 00:04:19,265 --> 00:04:22,464 all those pictures of sad trees and, and your lunches. 131 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,330 Katherine cheated? 132 00:04:25,627 --> 00:04:26,396 Yeah. 133 00:04:26,415 --> 00:04:28,667 Oh, Bob, that's terrible, I'm so sorry. 134 00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:30,184 - Yeah. - No, really, I had no idea. 135 00:04:30,219 --> 00:04:31,185 Yeah, well, yeah. 136 00:04:31,214 --> 00:04:33,169 Oh, sorry, really. 137 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,301 Come here, come here, let me... 138 00:04:34,344 --> 00:04:35,678 Salmonella... 139 00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:36,938 - Salmonella. - Okay. 140 00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,522 - I liked her. - You did? 141 00:04:38,574 --> 00:04:40,037 - No, no. - I didn't think so. 142 00:04:42,077 --> 00:04:43,908 Hey, remember that song, huh? 143 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,252 - Sure, Bob. - Yeah. 144 00:04:45,305 --> 00:04:46,848 - Do I remember that? - That was the night. 145 00:04:46,873 --> 00:04:48,218 - Great night. - Yeah. 146 00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:49,801 - Oh, yeah. - I'm not talking about the concert. 147 00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:51,699 No, the after— the after-party. 148 00:04:51,730 --> 00:04:53,084 - The after-party. - The after— yeah. 149 00:04:53,137 --> 00:04:56,058 Jess, no. 150 00:04:56,373 --> 00:04:58,374 Parent trap. 151 00:05:01,497 --> 00:05:04,467 Okay, admittedly this is a little bit crazy, 152 00:05:04,529 --> 00:05:07,092 but if this is going to work, you're both helping me. 153 00:05:07,168 --> 00:05:08,619 - Okay, I'm out of here. - Sit down, sit down. 154 00:05:08,653 --> 00:05:10,370 - I'm not doing a parent trap. - Nick, 155 00:05:10,433 --> 00:05:12,501 they got married too young, they got divorced too young. 156 00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:15,104 I think this could really make them happy. 157 00:05:15,163 --> 00:05:16,965 They need us. Here's the plan: 158 00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:18,502 We're gonna make my mom look so hot 159 00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:19,840 that my dad can't resist her. 160 00:05:19,864 --> 00:05:22,098 Your parent trap— there's no identical twins 161 00:05:22,123 --> 00:05:23,413 or mistaken identity? 162 00:05:23,484 --> 00:05:25,340 Not a parent trap, it's a makeover. 163 00:05:25,382 --> 00:05:27,796 The only thing you have to do is distract my dad. 164 00:05:27,833 --> 00:05:30,234 A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling. 165 00:05:30,258 --> 00:05:31,806 I feel like you're just throwing this together. 166 00:05:31,825 --> 00:05:33,288 This is a makeshift parent trap; 167 00:05:33,308 --> 00:05:35,277 - They don't work. - Why do you have to ruin everything, Nick? 168 00:05:35,308 --> 00:05:36,971 I don't know, I've got something bad 169 00:05:37,006 --> 00:05:39,510 inside of me. I ruin things. 170 00:05:39,834 --> 00:05:41,297 Let's do this parent trap. 171 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,040 Yes. 172 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,244 Oh, would you look at that? 173 00:05:45,271 --> 00:05:47,354 She's spectacular. Wow. 174 00:05:47,392 --> 00:05:49,242 Well, you know, we used to date, right? 175 00:05:49,277 --> 00:05:50,510 You, Schmiggle? 176 00:05:50,528 --> 00:05:52,121 - Schmidt. - Please. 177 00:05:52,149 --> 00:05:53,586 Cece, can you please come over here 178 00:05:53,624 --> 00:05:55,650 and confirm our intercourse? 179 00:05:55,783 --> 00:05:58,351 And then I dumped her 'cause I was like, you know, whatever. 180 00:05:58,369 --> 00:05:59,750 You mean, you ran away scared. 181 00:05:59,775 --> 00:06:03,058 Exactly, you're not enough man for a woman like that. 182 00:06:03,077 --> 00:06:04,991 - Okay, yeah, and you are? - Damn right I am. 183 00:06:05,010 --> 00:06:06,685 Well, I'll tell you what, if you guys want to find out 184 00:06:06,723 --> 00:06:09,366 who's truly the manliest, you should have a contest. 185 00:06:09,424 --> 00:06:11,192 - I'm listening. - Go on. - The winner 186 00:06:11,195 --> 00:06:15,047 of this contest will be declared the one true Schmidt. 187 00:06:15,482 --> 00:06:17,599 - Yes. - It is on. - What are you doing? 188 00:06:17,641 --> 00:06:19,475 - I'm bored. - Nice. 189 00:06:21,029 --> 00:06:22,597 Seems like every time they want 190 00:06:22,622 --> 00:06:24,372 to move a team to Los Angeles, 191 00:06:24,398 --> 00:06:26,366 the team that's most likely to move here, 192 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,734 the owner Al Davis... 193 00:06:27,789 --> 00:06:28,691 Dead. 194 00:06:28,710 --> 00:06:29,899 And then they talk to the, 195 00:06:29,944 --> 00:06:32,441 to the Ravens and their owner Art Modell— dead. 196 00:06:32,486 --> 00:06:33,861 Dead. You know what I mean? 197 00:06:33,873 --> 00:06:35,406 Who-Who's going to speak out for us, 198 00:06:35,430 --> 00:06:37,407 - I mean, the voice of the NFL— Steve Sabol? Dead. 199 00:06:37,426 --> 00:06:38,957 - Also dead. - Exactly. 200 00:06:39,016 --> 00:06:41,100 You know, it doesn't take a genius. All you got to do is 201 00:06:41,128 --> 00:06:42,303 - follow the money. - Always follow the money. 202 00:06:42,330 --> 00:06:43,296 That's what I always say. 203 00:06:43,331 --> 00:06:44,662 - You always follow the money. - Yeah, yeah. 204 00:06:44,678 --> 00:06:46,462 - Oil companies. - Pharmaceuticals. 205 00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:49,546 Big business, chicken corporations. 206 00:06:50,341 --> 00:06:51,758 Corn. 207 00:06:52,635 --> 00:06:54,352 Yeah. 208 00:06:59,102 --> 00:07:01,302 Just explain to me again why we're doing this. 209 00:07:01,339 --> 00:07:04,409 Because, when Cece's all washed up as a model, 210 00:07:04,434 --> 00:07:05,979 she wants to be a makeup artist. 211 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,930 And I want to help her realize her dreams. 212 00:07:09,256 --> 00:07:10,512 Yeah, it's my plan B. 213 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:13,258 Okay, stop. Seriously, it's just too much. 214 00:07:13,304 --> 00:07:14,754 The makeup and-and your dress? 215 00:07:14,862 --> 00:07:16,674 The only reason I wear makeup in Portland 216 00:07:16,718 --> 00:07:18,006 is to keep the rain off my face. 217 00:07:18,044 --> 00:07:22,564 So your hair just does, like, this one thing, right? 218 00:07:23,230 --> 00:07:25,004 Sorry. 219 00:07:25,456 --> 00:07:27,106 I don't know if Jess has told you this, 220 00:07:27,125 --> 00:07:28,394 but I am writing a novel. 221 00:07:28,413 --> 00:07:29,857 - Oh, really? - Yeah. - What's it about? 222 00:07:29,892 --> 00:07:31,175 It's about zombies. 223 00:07:31,278 --> 00:07:32,290 Zombies? 224 00:07:32,341 --> 00:07:33,724 And it's a relationship story. 225 00:07:33,781 --> 00:07:34,998 It has a great love story in there 226 00:07:35,049 --> 00:07:36,382 that could be made into a movie, I think. 227 00:07:36,407 --> 00:07:38,107 The love story's between... whom? 228 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:39,542 The zombie and Carol. 229 00:07:39,670 --> 00:07:41,938 Zombie and the-the... Carol is not a zombie? 230 00:07:41,957 --> 00:07:43,559 - She's a regular person? - No, she's a rich girl. 231 00:07:43,610 --> 00:07:45,526 Oh, so it's like the Twilight thing where... 232 00:07:45,551 --> 00:07:47,254 It's not like the Twilight... No, it isn't. 233 00:07:47,279 --> 00:07:48,742 Where the vampire falls in love with a regular person. 234 00:07:48,780 --> 00:07:49,693 You don't get it. 235 00:07:49,712 --> 00:07:50,966 - It's the same thing. - Oh, really? 236 00:07:50,997 --> 00:07:52,641 Is there another guy on Twilight, 237 00:07:52,666 --> 00:07:54,711 that there's a bit of a love triangle with? 238 00:07:55,047 --> 00:07:56,100 Yes. 239 00:07:56,154 --> 00:07:58,939 - It's the same as Twilight... - Does Twilight have a wolf in it? 240 00:07:58,973 --> 00:08:00,190 - Yes. - It does? 241 00:08:00,241 --> 00:08:01,258 Yes. 242 00:08:01,292 --> 00:08:02,642 Is Twilight in Seattle? 243 00:08:03,591 --> 00:08:05,009 Yes! 244 00:08:06,229 --> 00:08:09,261 Well, then whoever wrote that is smart. 245 00:08:09,658 --> 00:08:10,872 Um, listen, 246 00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:12,860 I know you were very young, 247 00:08:12,987 --> 00:08:14,821 and I'll completely forgive you, 248 00:08:15,032 --> 00:08:16,532 just tell me the truth— 249 00:08:17,049 --> 00:08:18,312 Did you drive my van? 250 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,566 Joan, I have told you this. 251 00:08:21,421 --> 00:08:22,666 It wasn't me. 252 00:08:22,683 --> 00:08:24,684 Okay, I believe you. 253 00:08:25,365 --> 00:08:26,466 I know it was you. 254 00:08:28,170 --> 00:08:31,856 Wow, I look like a slutty Katie Couric. 255 00:08:33,658 --> 00:08:34,858 The trap has been set. 256 00:08:34,892 --> 00:08:36,560 - Is is working? - Mm-hmm. 257 00:08:36,647 --> 00:08:38,381 Croce makes my mom frisky. 258 00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:39,454 Check it out. 259 00:08:40,385 --> 00:08:42,018 Oh, hey, your mom looks great. 260 00:08:42,082 --> 00:08:43,282 Really? 261 00:08:43,414 --> 00:08:44,904 - Go hit on her. - What? 262 00:08:44,922 --> 00:08:46,479 My dad gets super jealous. 263 00:08:46,704 --> 00:08:48,327 So if you go lay some sweet game on her... 264 00:08:48,339 --> 00:08:50,399 - Go hit on your mother? - I was going to make Schmidt do it. 265 00:08:50,420 --> 00:08:51,705 No, no, no, I can't hit on... 266 00:08:51,723 --> 00:08:54,032 - Hey, Mom. Mom, uh, - Jess... 267 00:08:54,227 --> 00:08:57,618 Nick was just saying that your décolletage 268 00:08:57,643 --> 00:08:59,753 looks bewitching in that dress. 269 00:08:59,791 --> 00:09:01,242 - Right, Nick? - Thank you. 270 00:09:02,419 --> 00:09:04,007 I like your de, uh... 271 00:09:04,038 --> 00:09:06,989 your de... de-college. 272 00:09:07,157 --> 00:09:08,582 Say hello to my sister wives, 273 00:09:08,610 --> 00:09:10,578 Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt. 274 00:09:12,202 --> 00:09:14,286 - All right, time for delts? - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 275 00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:15,957 I'm slowly regretting this. 276 00:09:16,031 --> 00:09:17,605 Definition is for chicks, man. 277 00:09:17,642 --> 00:09:18,869 All right, it's all about size. 278 00:09:18,903 --> 00:09:20,604 I mean, look at the mass on this bitch. 279 00:09:20,655 --> 00:09:22,235 - Stupid. - What's your calf situation like? 280 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:24,238 Calves? Want to see some ankle circles? 281 00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:26,175 Look at that. Some donkey raises? 282 00:09:26,245 --> 00:09:27,417 One, two... 283 00:09:27,448 --> 00:09:28,936 No, no, no, no, no. Wheelbarrow. 284 00:09:28,988 --> 00:09:30,266 - What's a wheelbarrow? - Wheelbarrow. 285 00:09:30,298 --> 00:09:31,529 Every kid knows what a wheelbarrow is. 286 00:09:31,555 --> 00:09:33,222 Put your hands on the ground. 287 00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:34,859 Hand on the ground. 288 00:09:35,369 --> 00:09:36,870 Hey! All right. 289 00:09:36,904 --> 00:09:38,738 - Turn him around. Faster. - Yeah, all right. 290 00:09:38,756 --> 00:09:40,081 Come on, man, really work those calves. 291 00:09:40,124 --> 00:09:42,250 Look at this, Winston, I can do this all day, man. 292 00:09:42,275 --> 00:09:43,389 No, I got it all day, man. 293 00:09:43,402 --> 00:09:44,791 All day, I don't even think about it. 294 00:09:44,828 --> 00:09:46,456 That's awesome. Keep going. 295 00:09:46,489 --> 00:09:48,807 - All day. I can do this all day, Winston. - I got all day, too! 296 00:09:48,865 --> 00:09:49,946 Hey, how long can you do this for? 297 00:09:49,971 --> 00:09:51,038 I can do this all day! 298 00:09:51,061 --> 00:09:53,311 - Yeah, I got all day, too! - Winston! 299 00:09:53,439 --> 00:09:55,377 - Why are you yelling at me? - I'll do this all day! 300 00:09:55,402 --> 00:09:57,175 I'll do it all day, Winston! 301 00:09:57,289 --> 00:09:59,540 - This is great. - I'll do it all day, Winston! 302 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,450 Joan, I've got to say 303 00:10:01,548 --> 00:10:02,915 you are great... 304 00:10:02,928 --> 00:10:03,910 at doing what you're doing. 305 00:10:03,934 --> 00:10:05,768 You got those beautiful strong arms. 306 00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:08,043 - You want to give it a try? - Okay. 307 00:10:08,102 --> 00:10:11,594 Mom and Nick seem to be really getting along great. 308 00:10:12,184 --> 00:10:13,721 - Well, no, no, no... - Is that good? 309 00:10:13,764 --> 00:10:15,381 - You're wasting it. - Oh, sorry, then show me. 310 00:10:15,512 --> 00:10:17,080 Mm, yeah. 311 00:10:17,161 --> 00:10:18,811 Yeah, we got to get the whole thing. 312 00:10:18,844 --> 00:10:19,644 There you go. 313 00:10:19,675 --> 00:10:21,459 What is happening? 314 00:10:21,561 --> 00:10:24,539 I can feel the chemistry from here. 315 00:10:24,563 --> 00:10:25,913 I sprayed all over. 316 00:10:25,948 --> 00:10:27,499 Clean up time. 317 00:10:27,950 --> 00:10:30,133 Like, whoa. 318 00:10:30,308 --> 00:10:32,114 Jess, what are you doing? 319 00:10:32,145 --> 00:10:33,329 Watching the game. 320 00:10:33,394 --> 00:10:34,794 You're doing the parent trap thing again. 321 00:10:34,812 --> 00:10:36,068 - What? Dad... - Yes. 322 00:10:36,096 --> 00:10:37,788 I have a master's degree. 323 00:10:37,835 --> 00:10:38,943 I'm not parent trapping. 324 00:10:38,980 --> 00:10:40,633 - You're such a liar. - Seriously, 325 00:10:40,679 --> 00:10:42,068 I'm not... Okay. Fine, you're right. 326 00:10:42,110 --> 00:10:44,061 - You need help. - Why do I do that? 327 00:10:44,085 --> 00:10:47,002 I don't understand. Every time, it never worked out. 328 00:10:47,074 --> 00:10:48,551 Okay, I'm calling it off. Nick. 329 00:10:53,079 --> 00:10:54,328 Nick! 330 00:10:58,463 --> 00:10:59,770 - Nick! - I love that. 331 00:10:59,797 --> 00:11:01,318 Nick! Thanks for helping me out, 332 00:11:01,349 --> 00:11:02,293 but I'm calling it off. 333 00:11:02,344 --> 00:11:03,988 She's doing another one of her parent traps. 334 00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:05,208 - Can I top you off? - Yes, please. 335 00:11:05,252 --> 00:11:06,614 Hey, Nick, what are you doing? 336 00:11:06,654 --> 00:11:08,121 I don't know, Jessica. 337 00:11:08,152 --> 00:11:09,459 I'm a little bit confused. 338 00:11:09,513 --> 00:11:10,632 I think I'm into your mother. 339 00:11:10,654 --> 00:11:12,141 - What? - I don't know how it happened. 340 00:11:12,159 --> 00:11:13,413 In truth, it happens all the time, Nick. 341 00:11:13,438 --> 00:11:16,399 I don't know if it's the sweet sounds of Jimmy Croce 342 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,135 or the sweet smells of this turkey... 343 00:11:18,172 --> 00:11:19,972 Nick, this is not what we talked about. 344 00:11:19,991 --> 00:11:22,408 - I know but it got... - Give me that baster. 345 00:11:22,775 --> 00:11:24,772 No! 346 00:11:24,862 --> 00:11:25,893 Okay, everyone. 347 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,743 This bird needs to go back in the oven. 348 00:11:27,768 --> 00:11:29,936 Bob, I need to clean you up in the bathroom please. 349 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,080 - Come on. - Brand-new shirt. 350 00:11:32,527 --> 00:11:33,844 Do I regret it? Yes. 351 00:11:34,009 --> 00:11:35,766 Would I do it again? Probably. 352 00:11:35,858 --> 00:11:37,333 It's all right, Joan, you don't have to do it. 353 00:11:37,375 --> 00:11:38,946 You want, you can go back to your basting. 354 00:11:38,977 --> 00:11:40,337 What, did you get a little jealous, Bob? 355 00:11:40,378 --> 00:11:41,828 Of that idiot? What, are you kidding me? 356 00:11:42,343 --> 00:11:44,760 You know, she's really got to stop doing this. 357 00:11:44,915 --> 00:11:46,547 She's so stubborn. 358 00:11:46,704 --> 00:11:48,488 Wonder where she got that? 359 00:11:48,728 --> 00:11:50,633 Did she ever text you some photos? 360 00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:52,477 - You mean of you in the shower? - Yeah. 361 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:55,152 - I got 'em. - I was just wondering. 362 00:11:55,474 --> 00:11:59,643 Eh, maybe I was a little jealous. 363 00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:26,312 Seems to me like this whole thing is a draw. 364 00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:29,615 I mean, You did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle. 365 00:12:30,061 --> 00:12:32,705 You belched longer, he farted louder. 366 00:12:32,798 --> 00:12:35,457 You punched a tree, he head-butted a bench. 367 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,467 You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch. 368 00:12:37,492 --> 00:12:39,042 I mean, Schmidt, how much more can you take? 369 00:12:39,086 --> 00:12:42,105 Schmiggle, I got the belts rigged up in the bedroom. 370 00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:43,829 Ready to see who blacks out first? 371 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:44,964 All right, you know what, forget it. 372 00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:46,251 Whatever, I-I give. 373 00:12:46,282 --> 00:12:48,888 - Yes! That's what I'm talking about. - Wow. 374 00:12:49,042 --> 00:12:50,705 Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. 375 00:12:52,807 --> 00:12:54,295 Yeah, but know this, all right. 376 00:12:54,326 --> 00:12:56,727 Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. 377 00:12:56,828 --> 00:12:58,890 Manhood today is about exfoliation, 378 00:12:58,927 --> 00:13:00,377 - Ha! - And cheese courses, 379 00:13:00,408 --> 00:13:03,311 and emotional honesty, and Paxil. 380 00:13:03,389 --> 00:13:05,957 And yes, cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne. 381 00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:09,994 You may have bested me in a competition of pre-Clinton manhood, 382 00:13:10,054 --> 00:13:11,767 but I am Schmidt. 383 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,426 A refined and enlightened pescetarian. 384 00:13:14,471 --> 00:13:16,088 About 90% of the time. 385 00:13:16,451 --> 00:13:18,484 Observe. 386 00:13:19,801 --> 00:13:21,802 What are you doing? 387 00:13:30,235 --> 00:13:33,481 Don't touch the blade— it's hot. 388 00:13:34,065 --> 00:13:34,982 A classic julienne. 389 00:13:34,997 --> 00:13:37,265 Marine Corps Cook of the Year 2003. 390 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,836 And I can do the same thing to a man's arm. 391 00:13:40,870 --> 00:13:42,135 Yeah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. 392 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,141 That's the sound of round two. 393 00:13:45,441 --> 00:13:46,673 Perfection. 394 00:13:46,724 --> 00:13:48,449 This is a masterpiece right here. 395 00:13:48,493 --> 00:13:50,249 - Who's hungry, right? - I am starving. 396 00:13:50,398 --> 00:13:51,837 Well, it makes sense with you two. 397 00:13:51,862 --> 00:13:53,439 You guys must've worked up an appetite. 398 00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:54,516 What? 399 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,095 Look at that plating. 400 00:13:57,154 --> 00:13:58,617 It's like Picasso. 401 00:13:58,642 --> 00:14:00,610 It's nice squeeze bottle work there, Bobby Flay. 402 00:14:00,641 --> 00:14:02,587 - He is still relevant. - Where? Phoenix? 403 00:14:02,599 --> 00:14:04,684 Schmidt, come on, we are getting hungry. 404 00:14:04,754 --> 00:14:05,975 What don't you guys just stay here? 405 00:14:06,029 --> 00:14:07,796 - I'll sleep on the couch. - What? What are you saying? 406 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,131 - What? - Nothing happened. 407 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,100 What are you saying? What are you saying? 408 00:14:11,134 --> 00:14:12,868 - I'm with you. - You shouldn't be saying anything... 409 00:14:12,902 --> 00:14:14,419 - Anything, - 'Cause I don't know anything. 410 00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,049 'Cause you're not... you don't have any information 411 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,593 - about anything. - Information at all. 412 00:14:17,637 --> 00:14:18,449 Nothing. 413 00:14:18,474 --> 00:14:20,182 - Happened. - The answer is nothing. 414 00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:21,514 - What? - Answer me a question. 415 00:14:21,526 --> 00:14:23,237 Which one of these platings is more masculine? 416 00:14:23,268 --> 00:14:25,653 Look, do you guys want to know what the ultimate test is? 417 00:14:26,195 --> 00:14:27,992 Being secure in your masculinity. 418 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,451 - How do we prove that? - I'm super secure. 419 00:14:29,486 --> 00:14:30,435 You kiss a man. 420 00:14:31,703 --> 00:14:32,448 Yeah. 421 00:14:32,461 --> 00:14:34,419 If you want to be the one true Schmidt. I mean... 422 00:14:34,448 --> 00:14:36,128 - No. We don't. - I'll kiss a man. 423 00:14:36,153 --> 00:14:37,353 I'll kiss a man. Yeah, I'll kiss a man. 424 00:14:37,372 --> 00:14:39,697 - Winston. Yeah, he'd do. - Winston? 425 00:14:39,716 --> 00:14:41,746 I could go for some stuffing right now. Am I right? 426 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,592 - Yeah, love me some stuffing. - Yeah, yeah. 427 00:14:43,611 --> 00:14:45,242 - Yeah, right? - Yeah, let's go. - I'll kiss Winston. 428 00:14:45,267 --> 00:14:46,769 - I'll do it. - I'll kiss Winston all day. 429 00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:47,838 I'll kiss Winston's mouth 430 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:48,648 all day. 431 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:49,423 Let's do it. 432 00:14:49,445 --> 00:14:50,510 All day I'll kiss Winston... 433 00:14:50,535 --> 00:14:52,004 Everybody else really hot, too? 434 00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:53,739 - Oh, wow. - Hey. Ooh! 435 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:54,476 Thank you. 436 00:14:54,511 --> 00:14:56,011 - Manly. - Beautiful. 437 00:14:56,031 --> 00:14:57,881 Hey, Winston, uh, I got you this 438 00:14:57,912 --> 00:14:59,443 as an after-dinner mint for after dinner. 439 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,339 - Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate it. - Okay? For you to have. 440 00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:02,765 - I appreciate that. - Just make sure you take... 441 00:15:02,790 --> 00:15:04,109 What are we having here, turkey sushi? 442 00:15:04,139 --> 00:15:05,589 - What is this? - Ooh. 443 00:15:06,544 --> 00:15:08,712 I'm gonna make a toast. 444 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:13,715 Parent Trap's just a movie. 445 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,287 And real relationships are not like that. 446 00:15:17,339 --> 00:15:19,314 They're more complicated than that. 447 00:15:19,636 --> 00:15:21,324 And they're not even real twins. 448 00:15:21,435 --> 00:15:22,854 Twins! Yes! 449 00:15:22,872 --> 00:15:24,975 I'm thankful for twins. They're like sisters, 450 00:15:25,028 --> 00:15:26,901 but they do it, and they like to have sex. 451 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,459 - Schmidts. - What? 452 00:15:28,488 --> 00:15:30,555 - What? - In conclusion... 453 00:15:31,710 --> 00:15:33,995 I want to say what I'm thankful for. 454 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,765 Family. 455 00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:42,296 They said... it couldn't be done. 456 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,259 They said, 457 00:15:43,308 --> 00:15:45,259 "You're crazy, Jess." 458 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:49,684 I am so thankful today that I proved them wrong. 459 00:15:49,726 --> 00:15:51,889 Whoa, honey, what? - Whoa, hey, hey, wait. What are you saying? 460 00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:53,361 Congratulations, guys. We saw you guys doing it 461 00:15:53,403 --> 00:15:54,736 - in the bathroom. - No, no, no, no, no. 462 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,636 - We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom. - It was the greatest day 463 00:15:56,662 --> 00:15:58,181 - of my entire life. - Greatest day of mine. 464 00:15:58,206 --> 00:16:00,284 There was so much love there. 465 00:16:00,308 --> 00:16:02,092 And sex. Sex energy, too, Jess. 466 00:16:02,138 --> 00:16:03,155 And se-sex. 467 00:16:03,246 --> 00:16:04,665 You lit this place on fire, 468 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,657 - you two animals. - It was just a kiss. 469 00:16:06,696 --> 00:16:07,982 It was a great kiss. 470 00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,651 It was a hookup. It mean nothing. 471 00:16:09,686 --> 00:16:11,350 Listen, if Jeanie's up for grabs, 472 00:16:11,368 --> 00:16:12,889 - I volunteer. - I volunteer, too. 473 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,245 - I volunteered first. - Don't even matter. 474 00:16:14,263 --> 00:16:15,938 - You can't volunteer right after... - I'm in the game now. 475 00:16:15,952 --> 00:16:17,636 You just wanted me for my body. 476 00:16:17,794 --> 00:16:19,424 - Yup. - And I'm fine with that. 477 00:16:19,474 --> 00:16:21,130 - Jeanie, what if it was like that? - That's not bad. 478 00:16:21,184 --> 00:16:24,141 I saw something. You guys had a spark, you connected. 479 00:16:24,178 --> 00:16:25,063 Let's get natural. 480 00:16:25,094 --> 00:16:26,666 I swear, if you got together today, 481 00:16:26,705 --> 00:16:28,030 it would be different than before. 482 00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:30,267 I think you could make each other happy. I'm serious. 483 00:16:30,328 --> 00:16:32,494 - No. What? Let me finish. - Jess, you got to let it go, okay? 484 00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:33,994 No, I'm not letting it go! 485 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,250 - You have to admit that... - No. 486 00:16:35,281 --> 00:16:36,848 - What? - They're never gonna make it work. 487 00:16:36,866 --> 00:16:38,467 - No. - And you scratched my van. 488 00:16:38,489 --> 00:16:40,290 Mom, she didn't mean to scratch your van. 489 00:16:40,306 --> 00:16:42,112 I knew it. I knew it. 490 00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:43,267 Didn't I tell you? I knew it. 491 00:16:43,279 --> 00:16:44,867 Okay, the reason I was in your van 492 00:16:44,888 --> 00:16:48,291 is because your little jujube was high as a kite! 493 00:16:48,316 --> 00:16:49,382 Oh. Oh, my God. 494 00:16:49,408 --> 00:16:51,242 - Honey, are you an addict? - Oh, this is new information. 495 00:16:51,275 --> 00:16:53,219 It was a brownie. I wasn't allowed to eat chocolate. 496 00:16:53,236 --> 00:16:54,661 Yes. What, are you living with drug dealers? 497 00:16:55,532 --> 00:16:57,457 When can we start eating? 498 00:16:57,987 --> 00:16:59,403 - Are you into pot? - What are you doing? 499 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:00,834 - Is this a rehab? - Are you selling your... 500 00:17:00,858 --> 00:17:01,684 body to pay for the rent? 501 00:17:01,734 --> 00:17:03,268 I don't sell my body for rent, no! 502 00:17:06,121 --> 00:17:07,896 When can we start eating? 503 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,761 It's off. Off. 504 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,563 Shut up, everybody! 505 00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:18,106 I just want to be a family. 506 00:17:18,252 --> 00:17:19,821 Jess. 507 00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,386 You have a family. 508 00:17:23,447 --> 00:17:25,564 Your father and I are not getting back together. 509 00:17:26,611 --> 00:17:27,595 Never. 510 00:17:41,951 --> 00:17:43,076 Jess. 511 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,394 - Honey? - Where you going? 512 00:17:46,417 --> 00:17:47,242 Jess? 513 00:17:48,623 --> 00:17:49,374 Turkey. 514 00:18:07,146 --> 00:18:10,531 Jess. Honey, can I come in? 515 00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:13,185 Or do you have your dad hiding in the closet, 516 00:18:13,216 --> 00:18:14,934 waiting to make out with me? 517 00:18:21,699 --> 00:18:23,479 I'm sorry. 518 00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,788 I'm sorry. I ruined the whole day, 519 00:18:25,823 --> 00:18:27,992 and it could have been really nice, but it wasn't, 520 00:18:28,054 --> 00:18:31,001 'cause I tried to shove a turkey down a garbage disposal. 521 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,789 I just... 522 00:18:32,922 --> 00:18:35,373 I thought... 523 00:18:35,841 --> 00:18:38,558 maybe you guys could make each other happy. 524 00:18:38,590 --> 00:18:41,425 We're actually happier apart. 525 00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:44,352 Maybe I just worried that... 526 00:18:45,117 --> 00:18:46,455 since you guys are alone 527 00:18:46,486 --> 00:18:48,754 that means that I have to end up alone. 528 00:18:48,778 --> 00:18:50,067 You're not gonna be alone. 529 00:18:50,114 --> 00:18:51,465 Even if you were, 530 00:18:51,499 --> 00:18:53,556 you could always move in with me. 531 00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:56,171 We could get a condo in Miami. 532 00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,178 Mm. 533 00:18:57,305 --> 00:18:59,418 And start solving crimes together. 534 00:18:59,479 --> 00:19:01,197 God, you have to lighten up, Jess. 535 00:19:01,229 --> 00:19:03,847 It's just life. 536 00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:05,244 Yeah, you know what? 537 00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,191 We could definitely Grey Gardens 538 00:19:07,231 --> 00:19:10,092 the crap out of a condo in Miami. 539 00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,700 Can't wait to eat cat food with you. 540 00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:17,378 I'm okay. Don't worry about me. 541 00:19:18,179 --> 00:19:19,129 And so is your dad. 542 00:19:19,161 --> 00:19:20,243 Okay. 543 00:19:20,445 --> 00:19:21,845 We doing this or not? 544 00:19:22,979 --> 00:19:24,364 I'm going in. 545 00:19:27,721 --> 00:19:29,274 Mmm. Mmm. 546 00:19:31,516 --> 00:19:33,393 - What's up, bro? - What's up? 547 00:19:34,175 --> 00:19:35,375 No. 548 00:19:35,426 --> 00:19:36,551 Face smells like a dude's face. 549 00:19:36,588 --> 00:19:38,196 - Not for me. - Hmm. 550 00:19:38,292 --> 00:19:39,959 All right. 551 00:19:40,582 --> 00:19:42,600 Watch how a real man does it. 552 00:19:48,651 --> 00:19:50,402 Hey, Winston? 553 00:19:52,986 --> 00:19:53,755 'Sup? 554 00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,504 - Yeah. - I know, right? 555 00:19:55,563 --> 00:19:56,383 Yeah. 556 00:19:56,421 --> 00:19:58,266 Hmm. 557 00:20:00,535 --> 00:20:01,704 Okay, well, then it's off. 558 00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,099 Game over. 559 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,442 No. No way. 560 00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:06,490 - Winston? - Hmm? 561 00:20:06,524 --> 00:20:08,325 All day! 562 00:20:09,927 --> 00:20:10,635 Whoa! 563 00:20:10,672 --> 00:20:11,738 - Whoa! - Whoa! 564 00:20:11,785 --> 00:20:12,618 I did it. 565 00:20:12,659 --> 00:20:14,242 And I'm the one true Schmidt! 566 00:20:14,273 --> 00:20:15,523 You got it, man. You can be Schmidt. 567 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,443 You should not do that on Thanksgiving. 568 00:20:17,474 --> 00:20:19,892 I kissed a dude! 569 00:20:24,365 --> 00:20:26,461 Oh, I miss Krista. 570 00:20:33,989 --> 00:20:35,935 You know, she had a little mustache, too? 571 00:20:36,011 --> 00:20:37,649 I know she did. 572 00:20:38,807 --> 00:20:41,695 You okay... Schmidt? 573 00:20:42,948 --> 00:20:44,600 Yes... I am... 574 00:20:45,824 --> 00:20:47,009 Schmidt. 575 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,801 Happy Thanksgiving. 576 00:20:51,235 --> 00:20:53,236 Give me a hug. I love you, sweetie. 577 00:20:53,254 --> 00:20:53,870 Love you. 578 00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:55,038 Love you, sweetheart. 579 00:20:55,072 --> 00:20:56,957 - Love you, Mom. - Love you, too, sweetheart. 580 00:20:57,008 --> 00:20:58,540 Joan, I just want to say that 581 00:20:58,571 --> 00:21:01,506 I'm really happy that, you know, we got past all that. 582 00:21:01,544 --> 00:21:03,578 Come here, Cece. 583 00:21:03,614 --> 00:21:07,817 Give my little girl drugs again— I will end you. 584 00:21:07,986 --> 00:21:08,885 Bye. 585 00:21:08,921 --> 00:21:09,926 Bye, everybody. 586 00:21:09,945 --> 00:21:11,427 - And no more parent traps. - Okay. 587 00:21:11,451 --> 00:21:12,565 Yeah. We're done with those. 588 00:21:12,621 --> 00:21:14,421 - Got it. - Been there, trapped that. 589 00:21:14,844 --> 00:21:17,046 - Bye. - Love you guys. Bye. 590 00:21:30,076 --> 00:21:32,277 I won't tell her if you don't. 591 00:21:32,532 --> 00:21:33,967 Tell her about what? 592 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:43,160 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther