1 00:00:04,575 --> 00:00:07,377 Oh, my God! 2 00:00:16,589 --> 00:00:19,105 Oh, you kissed her! You idiot! 3 00:00:19,288 --> 00:00:21,093 You... 4 00:00:30,433 --> 00:00:31,891 No, no, no. 5 00:00:31,916 --> 00:00:33,772 I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't. No, no, no. 6 00:00:33,804 --> 00:00:35,737 I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't doing anything, I... 7 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,152 Do not walk away from me. 8 00:00:37,551 --> 00:00:39,197 Do not. You are not. 9 00:00:39,222 --> 00:00:41,056 You're doing it. Nick? 10 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:42,648 - Shamone. - He did. 11 00:00:52,947 --> 00:00:54,048 Oh. 12 00:00:54,108 --> 00:00:56,043 Ugh, my God. 13 00:00:56,347 --> 00:00:57,443 Oh, I just woke up. 14 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,681 I've been sleeping for hours and hours. 15 00:00:59,709 --> 00:01:01,530 Nice. Me, too. 16 00:01:01,611 --> 00:01:03,349 Let's see here. 17 00:01:04,366 --> 00:01:07,199 Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails. 18 00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:12,952 Hey, Sam, um... 19 00:01:13,506 --> 00:01:14,540 I have to tell you something. 20 00:01:14,564 --> 00:01:17,665 How do you always look so beautiful in the morning? 21 00:01:17,712 --> 00:01:19,378 Sometimes I can't even look at you. 22 00:01:19,402 --> 00:01:21,136 I can't even— I got to look away. 23 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,642 I can't even look at you right now. 24 00:01:22,663 --> 00:01:24,915 Wait, but I got to. Now I got to look away. 25 00:01:25,017 --> 00:01:26,852 I just can't resist. Oh, geez. 26 00:01:28,494 --> 00:01:30,236 What were you gonna say? 27 00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:33,324 Nothing. 28 00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:34,894 It was nothing. 29 00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,429 - Jess? - Nick kissed me. 30 00:01:40,432 --> 00:01:43,334 Wha...? 31 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,897 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 32 00:01:52,525 --> 00:01:54,861 Oh, man. Okay. 33 00:01:54,899 --> 00:01:57,533 I had the best sex of my life last night. 34 00:01:57,555 --> 00:01:59,023 Winston, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk. 35 00:01:59,050 --> 00:02:00,214 Yeah. Daisy said I was pretty good. 36 00:02:00,249 --> 00:02:02,150 You hear that? Pretty good! 37 00:02:02,186 --> 00:02:03,111 This is important. 38 00:02:03,147 --> 00:02:04,714 And I ain't even use my hands. 39 00:02:04,775 --> 00:02:05,815 You didn't use your hands? 40 00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,154 Well, just I did a lot of side stuff. 41 00:02:07,179 --> 00:02:08,397 Okay, Winston, you're killing me. 42 00:02:08,427 --> 00:02:09,785 I really need to talk to you, 43 00:02:09,804 --> 00:02:11,704 and now after hearing that, I can barely look at you. 44 00:02:11,729 --> 00:02:13,473 Well, I got my mojo back, baby! 45 00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:15,664 I'm the Mojo Man! 46 00:02:15,701 --> 00:02:18,303 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. I like the sound of that. 47 00:02:18,326 --> 00:02:20,171 Yeah, we're not gonna be getting to my thing, are we? 48 00:02:20,209 --> 00:02:21,507 Mo-Mo-Mojo Man. 49 00:02:21,526 --> 00:02:22,651 I got to tell Sam. 50 00:02:22,705 --> 00:02:23,853 I can't tell Sam! 51 00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:25,378 I didn't even do anything wrong! 52 00:02:25,475 --> 00:02:26,575 Nick kissed me! 53 00:02:26,599 --> 00:02:28,471 I didn't even kiss him back! 54 00:02:28,754 --> 00:02:30,581 Okay, fine! I kissed him back! 55 00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:31,829 Is that what you want me to say? 56 00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,319 I literally haven't said a word 57 00:02:33,350 --> 00:02:34,372 for, like, over an hour. 58 00:02:34,397 --> 00:02:36,129 And now he won't even talk to me, 59 00:02:36,152 --> 00:02:37,419 'cause I saw him this morning 60 00:02:37,437 --> 00:02:39,482 and he just panic moonwalked away from me. 61 00:02:39,506 --> 00:02:40,855 - He what? - He does that sometimes. 62 00:02:41,914 --> 00:02:44,134 Man. Terrorism. 63 00:02:47,157 --> 00:02:48,900 And then... ha! 64 00:02:48,934 --> 00:02:50,716 Nick just... He just... 65 00:02:50,765 --> 00:02:51,765 Kisses you. 66 00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:53,233 Stupid Nick Miller. 67 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,169 How was it? Was it...? 68 00:02:54,189 --> 00:02:55,682 I was like Scarlett O'Hara 69 00:02:55,703 --> 00:02:57,504 in my freaking curtain dress... 70 00:02:57,533 --> 00:02:58,548 How did he do it? 71 00:02:58,572 --> 00:03:00,409 - He just, like, grabbed me. - Uh-huh. 72 00:03:00,433 --> 00:03:02,268 - And he just took me. - Oh, yeah. 73 00:03:02,298 --> 00:03:04,206 I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. 74 00:03:04,244 --> 00:03:06,734 - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - It was firm, but tender. 75 00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:08,151 - Oh, damn. - Yeah, I mean, 76 00:03:08,170 --> 00:03:10,034 I saw thorough space and time for a minute, 77 00:03:10,052 --> 00:03:11,390 but that's not the point. 78 00:03:11,418 --> 00:03:12,705 Oh, man! 79 00:03:12,723 --> 00:03:13,742 Are you okay? 80 00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,461 I miss sex! 81 00:03:15,489 --> 00:03:18,596 I've been on dates set up by my mother for the past month. 82 00:03:18,619 --> 00:03:20,336 - Mm. - I mean, what are you gonna do? 83 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,094 I mean, do you... 84 00:03:22,229 --> 00:03:23,205 like Nick? 85 00:03:23,243 --> 00:03:25,111 Ah! Bah! 86 00:03:25,141 --> 00:03:26,074 Mm-hmm. 87 00:03:26,099 --> 00:03:27,799 Nah! Neh? 88 00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:29,236 Nick? 89 00:03:30,693 --> 00:03:31,726 No. 90 00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:34,723 I don't like Nick. 91 00:03:34,746 --> 00:03:35,854 - Mm-hmm. - I like Sam, 'cause 92 00:03:35,885 --> 00:03:37,763 Sam's the kind of guy who fixes things 93 00:03:37,779 --> 00:03:39,354 that you didn't even know were broken. 94 00:03:39,371 --> 00:03:41,072 And Nick is the type of guy 95 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,588 who breaks things... that are... 96 00:03:44,716 --> 00:03:46,083 He breaks things! 97 00:03:46,151 --> 00:03:47,451 Look at that. It's for my grandma. 98 00:03:47,463 --> 00:03:49,603 Wow, that's... oh, no. 99 00:03:49,634 --> 00:03:51,168 - No, no, no, no, no, no. - What are you— Nick! 100 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,877 - No, let me just... Okay, here, it's fine. - Nick, Nick, what are you...? No! 101 00:03:53,906 --> 00:03:55,539 Nick, what are you...? 102 00:03:55,938 --> 00:03:58,516 I think those belong back on it. 103 00:03:58,707 --> 00:04:01,188 He is not getting in the way of me and Sam. 104 00:04:01,233 --> 00:04:03,067 He is not ruining this. 105 00:04:03,103 --> 00:04:04,240 - Mm. - So mad at him. 106 00:04:04,259 --> 00:04:05,559 I can't even be around him. 107 00:04:05,672 --> 00:04:07,068 Can I just spend the day with you? 108 00:04:07,101 --> 00:04:08,468 Oh. 109 00:04:08,905 --> 00:04:10,539 Well, um... 110 00:04:10,655 --> 00:04:14,064 Okay, I didn't tell you this before, actually, but, uh... 111 00:04:14,905 --> 00:04:15,943 Cece is going to 112 00:04:15,967 --> 00:04:17,581 an Indian marriage convention today 113 00:04:17,598 --> 00:04:19,397 to find herself a brown husband. 114 00:04:19,448 --> 00:04:20,549 Now, little does she know 115 00:04:20,574 --> 00:04:23,138 that I have signed up for the same convention. 116 00:04:23,185 --> 00:04:24,818 Gentlemen, there is nothing that says 117 00:04:24,842 --> 00:04:26,561 white men need not apply. 118 00:04:26,580 --> 00:04:28,359 You look like the fortune teller in Big. 119 00:04:28,388 --> 00:04:29,879 Wait a second, is it in the loft? 120 00:04:29,905 --> 00:04:31,186 Yes, Nick. 121 00:04:31,211 --> 00:04:34,292 The West Coast's premiere Indian singles event, 122 00:04:34,329 --> 00:04:36,818 where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together 123 00:04:36,849 --> 00:04:38,906 to see if they should get arranged-married to each other, 124 00:04:38,943 --> 00:04:40,013 is in our loft. 125 00:04:40,051 --> 00:04:41,576 So if it's not, then I'm coming with. 126 00:04:41,594 --> 00:04:43,532 I'm in, Schmidty. You finally got company. 127 00:04:43,570 --> 00:04:45,835 - I'm coming. Let's do it. - The Mojo Man is in, too. 128 00:04:45,867 --> 00:04:47,398 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. 129 00:04:47,419 --> 00:04:48,953 Okay, neither of you are coming. 130 00:04:48,983 --> 00:04:50,545 I've been studying up for a full week. 131 00:04:50,578 --> 00:04:52,209 I can actually speak conversational Hindi. 132 00:04:52,254 --> 00:04:54,482 If that conversation is: "Hello."Hello." 133 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,141 "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." 134 00:04:56,178 --> 00:04:57,518 "More towels?" "Do you know where 135 00:04:57,536 --> 00:04:58,933 the white person's toilet is?" 136 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,458 After that, it gets very confusing. 137 00:05:00,469 --> 00:05:01,881 Can you drive in that dress? 138 00:05:02,155 --> 00:05:03,037 You're right, I can't. 139 00:05:03,062 --> 00:05:05,131 - All right, you're driving. Let's go. - Yeah! 140 00:05:10,798 --> 00:05:12,399 Hi, I'm-I'm checking in. 141 00:05:12,585 --> 00:05:13,969 My name's Cecilia Parikh. 142 00:05:13,993 --> 00:05:14,825 This is my best friend. 143 00:05:14,844 --> 00:05:16,558 She's just, she's just here to watch. 144 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:17,736 All must participate. 145 00:05:17,761 --> 00:05:20,170 We've had a lot of trouble with watchers. 146 00:05:23,350 --> 00:05:24,982 You participate or you go home. 147 00:05:26,573 --> 00:05:28,972 All right, you know what? What the hell. 148 00:05:29,023 --> 00:05:30,845 You're going to have to fill out a questionnaire. 149 00:05:30,870 --> 00:05:32,671 Information, education, resume. 150 00:05:33,845 --> 00:05:34,782 Done. 151 00:05:35,113 --> 00:05:36,714 Thank you. 152 00:05:39,504 --> 00:05:41,548 What the hell are you guys doing here? 153 00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:43,720 You look like a character from The Love Guru. 154 00:05:43,732 --> 00:05:45,165 Aw, thank you. 155 00:05:45,797 --> 00:05:46,597 Hello. 156 00:05:46,605 --> 00:05:48,509 I'd like to check in with my two friends here. 157 00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:50,607 Look, we are not Indian, but you cannot turn us away, 158 00:05:50,632 --> 00:05:53,599 because I read the Website vigorously, kumari. 159 00:05:53,647 --> 00:05:54,826 - Oh, God. - That means "miss." 160 00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:55,725 My friend right there? 161 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,684 Yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer." 162 00:05:57,715 --> 00:05:59,010 I dropped out of ka-heel school. 163 00:05:59,060 --> 00:06:00,427 It's vakeel, man. 164 00:06:02,021 --> 00:06:04,734 - What are you doing here? - Oh, no. I just— uh, yeah... 165 00:06:05,483 --> 00:06:06,515 Oh! 166 00:06:07,224 --> 00:06:09,024 Nick, you're embarrassing me. 167 00:06:10,698 --> 00:06:12,464 Nick, what are you doing? 168 00:06:14,736 --> 00:06:16,118 Nick, Nick. 169 00:06:16,452 --> 00:06:18,184 N-N-N-Nick, what are you doing? 170 00:06:18,223 --> 00:06:20,016 Stop moonwalking, man. 171 00:06:20,135 --> 00:06:22,233 Man, you have been weird all morning. 172 00:06:22,268 --> 00:06:24,135 Hey, look, I kissed Jess. 173 00:06:26,879 --> 00:06:28,235 Say what you're gonna say. 174 00:06:28,302 --> 00:06:30,770 Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! 175 00:06:31,405 --> 00:06:32,740 Whoo! 176 00:06:33,251 --> 00:06:34,619 I thought that's what you were gonna say. 177 00:06:34,643 --> 00:06:35,770 I don't want a new roommate. 178 00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:37,675 Look, don't... She's not moving out. 179 00:06:37,691 --> 00:06:39,247 I'm not talking about her. Hell no, not her! 180 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,510 I'm talking about you. 181 00:06:40,529 --> 00:06:41,762 When this thing blows up in your face— 182 00:06:41,784 --> 00:06:43,384 and it will blow up in your face, Nick— 183 00:06:43,392 --> 00:06:44,492 you're the one moving out. 184 00:06:44,531 --> 00:06:46,250 You think I like living with you? 185 00:06:46,260 --> 00:06:48,837 You have centipedes living under your bed! 186 00:06:48,855 --> 00:06:50,882 - Those weren't centipedes. - You've named your testicles, 187 00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:52,807 - and they're both named Sharon. - Yeah, so what? 188 00:06:52,832 --> 00:06:54,863 I can't believe you kissed Jess! Man, what were you thinking? 189 00:06:54,889 --> 00:06:56,672 Look, man, I wasn't thinking anything. 190 00:06:58,086 --> 00:07:00,204 Nick, just apologize and make it right, all right? 191 00:07:02,219 --> 00:07:05,021 All right. That's what I'm gonna do. 192 00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:08,642 Oh, Sharon! 193 00:07:08,675 --> 00:07:09,720 - Get! Just... - Get...? 194 00:07:09,745 --> 00:07:10,783 Get over here now. 195 00:07:10,808 --> 00:07:12,209 Wait. What? 196 00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:14,446 You told me you had moved on. 197 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:17,177 Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. 198 00:07:17,601 --> 00:07:19,669 I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. 199 00:07:19,686 --> 00:07:21,461 Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl. 200 00:07:21,481 --> 00:07:23,110 Please leave. 201 00:07:23,128 --> 00:07:26,562 You and I not being together does not make sense to me. 202 00:07:27,215 --> 00:07:28,616 I miss your body 203 00:07:28,639 --> 00:07:30,125 and the things I used to do to it. 204 00:07:30,140 --> 00:07:31,549 - Schmidt. - I'm talking about sex. 205 00:07:31,568 --> 00:07:35,940 Today is about me finding someone within my own culture 206 00:07:35,977 --> 00:07:37,871 that I can build my life with. 207 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,692 It's about more than sex. 208 00:07:39,711 --> 00:07:43,044 Our sex was about more than sex. 209 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,670 It was about history and memory 210 00:07:45,706 --> 00:07:47,884 and thousands of years of colonial suffering 211 00:07:47,906 --> 00:07:50,756 all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy. 212 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,532 Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, 213 00:07:53,555 --> 00:07:55,556 "Blammo, that happened"? 214 00:07:56,579 --> 00:07:57,647 Blammo. 215 00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:00,394 Thank you. 216 00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:03,167 Hey. 217 00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:05,018 Oh, you can walk normally now, I see. 218 00:08:05,036 --> 00:08:06,403 I'm sorry I kissed you. 219 00:08:07,142 --> 00:08:08,509 Well, oh, wow. 220 00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:09,754 That was unexpected. 221 00:08:10,358 --> 00:08:11,259 Thanks, Nick. 222 00:08:11,381 --> 00:08:13,106 - You know what, it was a mistake. - I feel better. 223 00:08:13,131 --> 00:08:14,754 - 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward. - Yeah, good. 224 00:08:14,763 --> 00:08:15,794 Right. 225 00:08:15,819 --> 00:08:17,643 You were acting a little bit weird, but honestly, for me, 226 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:19,171 it was, like, a nothing kiss. 227 00:08:19,183 --> 00:08:21,037 You know, it was like kissing a cousin. 228 00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:23,324 It was so nonsexual and nothing. 229 00:08:23,471 --> 00:08:26,207 Well... I think it meant something. 230 00:08:26,342 --> 00:08:28,210 You know, to you, 'cause you kissed me. 231 00:08:28,596 --> 00:08:29,981 Mm-mm. 232 00:08:30,485 --> 00:08:32,608 I think you can admit it meant something to you, Nick. 233 00:08:32,616 --> 00:08:34,717 Oh, no, I-I'm telling you, it meant nothing to me. 234 00:08:34,735 --> 00:08:36,126 - I think it did. - No, no. 235 00:08:36,145 --> 00:08:37,970 I do things I don't mean all the time. 236 00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:39,301 Like this. You see this? Bottle of water. 237 00:08:39,881 --> 00:08:42,233 Why did I do that? I don't know. It doesn't mean anything. 238 00:08:42,258 --> 00:08:44,611 I think you can admit that it meant something to you. 239 00:08:44,637 --> 00:08:46,933 - Hey, Jessica, it didn't. - Hmm. 240 00:08:46,945 --> 00:08:49,524 It was a drinking game, and I was finishing the game. 241 00:08:49,546 --> 00:08:51,438 Yeah, but it happened after the game 242 00:08:51,506 --> 00:08:52,861 when it meant something. 243 00:08:52,926 --> 00:08:55,343 - Oh, so it meant something to you? - What? 244 00:08:55,373 --> 00:08:57,179 - It meant something to you. - No, don't... 245 00:08:57,198 --> 00:08:59,293 If you think some stupid, terrible kiss... 246 00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:01,147 - You're thinking about it right now! - No! 247 00:09:01,178 --> 00:09:03,427 - I'm calling Sam and... - Oh, you're calling Sam right now? 248 00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:05,172 He's gonna come here and pick me up, 249 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,853 - and, uh, we're leaving. - Oh, you are? 250 00:09:06,883 --> 00:09:09,726 Why are you running away? Because it meant something? 251 00:09:10,282 --> 00:09:12,016 We're not going anywhere. 252 00:09:13,290 --> 00:09:14,710 Meant nothing, Nick! 253 00:09:14,831 --> 00:09:16,879 Please look at the numbers on your name tags 254 00:09:16,913 --> 00:09:19,389 and go to the table with the corresponding numbers. 255 00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:20,684 These are your groupings. 256 00:09:20,715 --> 00:09:23,488 People with similar resumes and education backgrounds 257 00:09:23,519 --> 00:09:24,676 have been grouped together. 258 00:09:24,696 --> 00:09:27,131 34, 34, thir... 259 00:09:27,283 --> 00:09:28,739 Table 34! 260 00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:30,549 We're at the same table! 261 00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:33,044 - So this is rock bottom. - I mean, call me crazy, 262 00:09:33,056 --> 00:09:34,999 but I think we're all getting married tonight. 263 00:09:35,026 --> 00:09:37,094 - Yeah, um... - The money table right here, Table 34! 264 00:09:37,116 --> 00:09:38,910 Hi, excuse me, I think that there's been 265 00:09:38,930 --> 00:09:41,017 just a little bit of a mistake with the tables. 266 00:09:41,042 --> 00:09:42,703 Over 30, no advanced degrees, 267 00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:44,952 part-time employment: Table 34. 268 00:09:45,031 --> 00:09:47,535 No, see, actually, I'm-I'm a professional model. 269 00:09:47,566 --> 00:09:48,679 I'm not famous or anything, 270 00:09:48,710 --> 00:09:50,956 but I was in Lil Wayne's last video. 271 00:09:51,011 --> 00:09:54,086 I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion. 272 00:09:56,572 --> 00:09:58,373 Definitely Table 34. 273 00:10:01,561 --> 00:10:02,594 Excuse me? 274 00:10:02,619 --> 00:10:04,697 Uh, I didn't get assigned a table. 275 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:07,038 Now, I know exactly what this is about... 276 00:10:07,069 --> 00:10:09,209 But I did assign you a seat. 277 00:10:09,853 --> 00:10:12,453 This one. Lap number one. 278 00:10:13,397 --> 00:10:15,499 Okay, so this is not a racial thing? 279 00:10:15,529 --> 00:10:16,896 Not yet, it isn't. 280 00:10:17,082 --> 00:10:18,649 Ah. 281 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,213 I see what's happening here. 282 00:10:20,930 --> 00:10:22,031 You're feeling my mojo. 283 00:10:22,068 --> 00:10:25,401 You look like a jumpy cat, and I like that. 284 00:10:26,354 --> 00:10:28,742 Ooh, I like that. 285 00:10:29,885 --> 00:10:32,160 Like oversized blueberries. 286 00:10:34,244 --> 00:10:36,279 Mojo off. Mojo off. 287 00:10:36,375 --> 00:10:38,720 Schmidt, Table Seven, Table Seven. 288 00:10:38,757 --> 00:10:41,428 - What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too? - Hmm? I'm at Table Seven. 289 00:10:42,831 --> 00:10:44,731 - What? - Well, you should feel complimented. 290 00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:46,226 I feel slightly insulted. 291 00:10:46,264 --> 00:10:47,363 - What? - No offense. 292 00:10:47,393 --> 00:10:49,328 A lot of offense taken. Well, I'm just saying... 293 00:10:49,370 --> 00:10:51,004 - A lot. - Jess! 294 00:10:51,091 --> 00:10:52,141 - Hi! - Hi. 295 00:10:52,178 --> 00:10:53,700 - How are you? - Um, okay. 296 00:10:53,725 --> 00:10:56,209 Yeah, I checked in. Uh, they gave me my table. 297 00:10:56,247 --> 00:10:57,922 - Okay. - This is a weird date. 298 00:10:57,954 --> 00:10:59,745 I always thought we'd go bowling before we went 299 00:10:59,762 --> 00:11:00,942 to an Indian marriage convention. 300 00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:02,797 - What table are you at? - Uh, Table One, I think. 301 00:11:02,816 --> 00:11:06,025 Table One? It's almost like you save lives or something. 302 00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:07,565 Oh, wait, you do. 303 00:11:08,356 --> 00:11:10,457 Let's start the icebreakers. 304 00:11:10,644 --> 00:11:13,371 This exercise shows how physically compatible 305 00:11:13,398 --> 00:11:14,723 two people can be. 306 00:11:27,397 --> 00:11:28,963 Ow! My hand! 307 00:11:29,008 --> 00:11:29,975 What? 308 00:11:30,004 --> 00:11:31,238 Stupid man. 309 00:11:32,382 --> 00:11:33,181 Nice. 310 00:11:33,199 --> 00:11:34,433 - Yeah. - Ready? 311 00:11:34,551 --> 00:11:35,718 Three, two, ow. 312 00:11:35,741 --> 00:11:37,707 - Ow! No, no. Let's... - Up? 313 00:11:37,723 --> 00:11:39,858 - No, you go down. - All right. I go down? 314 00:11:40,349 --> 00:11:42,127 Kind of just got to get in a little closer. 315 00:11:42,152 --> 00:11:43,380 Okay, I'm trying. 316 00:11:43,707 --> 00:11:44,808 Seriously. 317 00:11:50,064 --> 00:11:50,954 Hey, dummy. 318 00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:52,930 Stop pointing your finger at me. That's so annoying. 319 00:11:52,949 --> 00:11:54,650 Why are you drinking my beer? 320 00:11:55,156 --> 00:11:57,616 - You point that finger at me one more time, I'm... - Why don't you just admit that 321 00:11:57,628 --> 00:11:59,319 that kiss meant something to you? - No, no! 322 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:00,945 I could tell it meant something, so admit it 323 00:12:00,975 --> 00:12:02,209 or I'll do this all day. I'll do it all day. 324 00:12:02,233 --> 00:12:04,366 Next challenge: Make a table 325 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:07,340 out of nothing but newspaper and tape. 326 00:12:07,383 --> 00:12:10,701 Women look to your left, men to the right. 327 00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:13,105 - These are your partners. - Oh, you got to be kidding me. 328 00:12:13,141 --> 00:12:15,342 First table that can hold a phone book wins. 329 00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,363 - All right, so we have to make a table. - Okay. 330 00:12:17,448 --> 00:12:18,836 - Give me the tape. - No. 331 00:12:21,221 --> 00:12:23,773 I'll tell you what's not made out of newspaper, 332 00:12:23,861 --> 00:12:26,296 that tight little ass of yours. 333 00:12:26,332 --> 00:12:29,545 - Jess, you liked kissing me! It's fine to say that. - No, I didn't. 334 00:12:29,576 --> 00:12:32,382 I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; It was a nice kiss. 335 00:12:32,399 --> 00:12:34,700 You were like a dog and my mouth 336 00:12:34,725 --> 00:12:37,220 was like a bowl full of dog... milk! 337 00:12:37,242 --> 00:12:39,155 It was like a damn fairy tale, that kiss! 338 00:12:39,173 --> 00:12:40,430 It was the best kiss of your life. 339 00:12:40,456 --> 00:12:42,121 - Are you serious, Nick? - And you have to take 340 00:12:42,156 --> 00:12:44,144 a little responsibility, tarting around in that 341 00:12:44,175 --> 00:12:47,316 - little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed. - Tarting around? 342 00:12:47,339 --> 00:12:49,443 I'm a man, Jessica! 343 00:12:49,497 --> 00:12:51,166 - What? - Pink robes are my catnip. 344 00:12:51,185 --> 00:12:53,106 And we have a winning couple! 345 00:12:53,122 --> 00:12:54,721 We are not a couple! 346 00:12:55,014 --> 00:12:57,207 - We're not a couple. - And this is a very bad table. 347 00:12:57,229 --> 00:12:58,748 - Terrible table. - And stop clapping, everybody. 348 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,645 - This is awful. - Look. It won't hold anything. 349 00:13:00,676 --> 00:13:02,777 Be prepared to laugh! 350 00:13:03,863 --> 00:13:05,197 No, I mean, this is, like... 351 00:13:05,221 --> 00:13:06,454 I got it, I got it. 352 00:13:06,507 --> 00:13:08,241 Here, put it down. Just— okay. 353 00:13:08,283 --> 00:13:10,085 Very weak table. 354 00:13:11,315 --> 00:13:12,382 Break! 355 00:13:14,351 --> 00:13:15,696 It's a strong table. 356 00:13:15,721 --> 00:13:18,117 Strong table, strong couple. 357 00:13:18,694 --> 00:13:20,696 Come on. Jump up, yeah. Jump up! Jump up! Jump up! 358 00:13:20,737 --> 00:13:22,037 - Whoa! Come on. - Wow. 359 00:13:22,074 --> 00:13:24,152 - Wow, yeah. It's real, man. - Come on. 360 00:13:24,382 --> 00:13:25,767 That's an impressive table! 361 00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:30,993 Congratulations on winning the table-building competition, baby. 362 00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,384 - Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so... - I didn't think it meant anything. 363 00:13:33,433 --> 00:13:36,078 - Yeah, no, just— - Nick just drives me crazy. 364 00:13:36,114 --> 00:13:38,292 - It's like— you know? - Yeah, I mean, I never... 365 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,317 - Well, yeah, that's just... That's what I was saying. - Is there something... 366 00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:41,584 I should know here? 367 00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:43,010 No. 'Cause... 368 00:13:43,032 --> 00:13:44,109 Men, switch seats! 369 00:13:44,337 --> 00:13:45,988 No. Sam, stop. 370 00:13:46,013 --> 00:13:47,419 'Cause... No, I want to talk to you. 371 00:13:47,449 --> 00:13:49,461 - Sam, I... - Do you like field hockey? 372 00:13:49,707 --> 00:13:51,974 I... Yeah. Yeah. 373 00:13:53,956 --> 00:13:56,212 - Hi! - Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass. 374 00:13:56,373 --> 00:13:58,048 So, when did you decide to become a model? 375 00:13:58,092 --> 00:14:00,683 Oh. Didn't really think about it at all. 376 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:03,118 Someone just said they'd pay me for being pretty, so... 377 00:14:03,163 --> 00:14:04,964 - I like your hat. - Shh. 378 00:14:05,256 --> 00:14:07,224 - It's my favorite color. - Shh... 379 00:14:09,964 --> 00:14:11,796 - I didn't say anything. - Shut up, shut up, shut up. 380 00:14:12,290 --> 00:14:13,464 So how many children do you want? 381 00:14:13,498 --> 00:14:17,272 Well, I have to start soon, so I guess I'll just jump right in. 382 00:14:17,805 --> 00:14:19,775 So, do you think through any of your decisions 383 00:14:19,787 --> 00:14:21,339 or do you always just do whatever you want? 384 00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:23,336 Hey! M. Night Shyamalan. 385 00:14:23,367 --> 00:14:25,331 I got a twist ending for you: Shut up. 386 00:14:25,351 --> 00:14:27,472 - What do you want, Table Seven? - Schmidt, just talk to your girl. 387 00:14:27,496 --> 00:14:28,798 - Hi! - You better watch it, buddy. 388 00:14:28,817 --> 00:14:30,948 'Cause I will, I will Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here. 389 00:14:30,974 --> 00:14:33,165 - I will Cal-cut-a-bitch. - Schmidt! 390 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,028 Don't worry, Ben Affleck. I'm not desperate. 391 00:14:35,056 --> 00:14:36,523 I don't date below Table Six. 392 00:14:36,536 --> 00:14:38,504 Time's up. Switch places. 393 00:14:39,439 --> 00:14:40,403 Sam... 394 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,818 - That was not nice. He crossed a line. - Schmidt, 395 00:14:43,857 --> 00:14:45,119 you said you would leave me alone. 396 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,941 - You said you would leave... - He crossed a line. 397 00:14:46,995 --> 00:14:48,316 You said you would leave me alone. 398 00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:54,349 Funny seeing you here. 399 00:14:56,207 --> 00:14:57,307 Hey. 400 00:14:57,498 --> 00:14:58,727 You have to go. 401 00:14:58,748 --> 00:15:00,250 Yeah, you have to go over there. 402 00:15:00,288 --> 00:15:01,556 Okay. Bye-bye. 403 00:15:01,585 --> 00:15:03,085 Go now. Hi. 404 00:15:03,609 --> 00:15:07,209 Um, Sam, I do have something to tell you. 405 00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,503 You know why we're at Table 34? 406 00:15:10,528 --> 00:15:14,035 'Cause we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks. 407 00:15:14,251 --> 00:15:16,912 It's 'cause we don't think things through. 408 00:15:17,151 --> 00:15:19,618 You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. 409 00:15:19,674 --> 00:15:22,717 She told me. It's like we just make these impulsive decisions, 410 00:15:22,735 --> 00:15:25,918 and all we end up doing is hurting other people. 411 00:15:27,654 --> 00:15:29,280 I can't believe this. 412 00:15:29,330 --> 00:15:30,958 No. No, Sam... 413 00:15:32,597 --> 00:15:33,972 Sam? Wait. 414 00:15:33,996 --> 00:15:35,116 Sam, wait. 415 00:15:35,641 --> 00:15:36,722 I'm really sorry. 416 00:15:36,753 --> 00:15:38,220 I said I wanted to commit to this. 417 00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:39,609 I thought you understood what that meant. 418 00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,134 I do. I did. 419 00:15:41,152 --> 00:15:42,767 Hey, hey. Sam, listen. 420 00:15:42,798 --> 00:15:44,399 - What? - Sam, hear me out. 421 00:15:44,691 --> 00:15:46,218 I kissed her, okay? 422 00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:47,743 She didn't kiss me. 423 00:15:48,325 --> 00:15:50,213 It didn't mean anything to her. 424 00:15:50,637 --> 00:15:52,580 Thank you. 425 00:15:53,405 --> 00:15:54,619 Oh, my God! 426 00:15:54,634 --> 00:15:56,195 I'm sorry, Nick. It's the training. 427 00:15:56,226 --> 00:15:58,759 He's in such terrible shape! You could've killed him. 428 00:15:58,794 --> 00:16:00,168 I'm gonna kick your ass, man. 429 00:16:00,186 --> 00:16:01,761 Jess, it may not have meant something to you, 430 00:16:01,789 --> 00:16:03,187 but it meant something to me. 431 00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:05,672 Is there another doctor in the house? 432 00:16:05,792 --> 00:16:07,393 With this crowd, I'm sure. 433 00:16:07,423 --> 00:16:10,163 I'm done. So... 434 00:16:11,265 --> 00:16:12,899 Good-bye, Jess. 435 00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:15,023 No. Sam. 436 00:16:17,178 --> 00:16:19,312 Ice it, 24 hours. 437 00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:21,809 And keep it elevated. 438 00:16:23,554 --> 00:16:25,404 - He even exits cool. - Oh, God. 439 00:16:28,192 --> 00:16:31,192 Anu? I got something for you. 440 00:16:31,341 --> 00:16:32,788 Now, this is Freddy. 441 00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:34,934 As you can see, he has the exact 442 00:16:34,957 --> 00:16:36,465 same build as me, all right? 443 00:16:36,488 --> 00:16:39,523 And he is totally available. Ain't that right, Freddy? 444 00:16:39,642 --> 00:16:42,585 That is what I call an arranged bang. 445 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:48,113 Freddy, are you scared of being confined in small spaces? 446 00:16:50,527 --> 00:16:53,546 Oh, you'll do just fine. 447 00:16:54,699 --> 00:16:57,634 Now, just remember, wherever you are, 448 00:16:57,658 --> 00:16:59,725 the Mojo Man is there. 449 00:17:08,572 --> 00:17:10,298 Damn it, Schmidt. 450 00:17:13,610 --> 00:17:15,078 I'm taking this. 451 00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:18,950 Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up! 452 00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:20,218 You know, when I came here today, 453 00:17:20,237 --> 00:17:22,204 I thought India was a pretty cool country. 454 00:17:22,864 --> 00:17:24,219 You guys are obviously smart. 455 00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:25,925 You l-looked at the roof of a bus and you said, 456 00:17:25,949 --> 00:17:28,417 "That's not just a roof, that's more seating." 457 00:17:29,427 --> 00:17:32,760 Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him. 458 00:17:33,214 --> 00:17:34,721 But what I didn't know 459 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,943 is that you're a country full of blind idiots. 460 00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,543 - Oh, God. - Because in your midst 461 00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:40,610 walks a brown angel. 462 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,226 That woman. Right there. 463 00:17:44,735 --> 00:17:45,870 I may be an idiot, 464 00:17:45,901 --> 00:17:47,968 but I'm smart enough to know what I lost. 465 00:17:49,748 --> 00:17:51,644 You people could've had it all. 466 00:17:52,036 --> 00:17:54,871 And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick. 467 00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:58,160 Get your crap together, India. 468 00:17:58,269 --> 00:18:00,203 Schmidt... 469 00:18:00,578 --> 00:18:02,512 out! 470 00:18:05,981 --> 00:18:08,983 Hello. I didn't see you over here. 471 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,920 I would love to... 472 00:18:12,038 --> 00:18:13,370 Sorry I didn't see you earlier. 473 00:18:13,398 --> 00:18:14,811 Okay. They're all— okay. 474 00:18:14,842 --> 00:18:16,375 You don't all have to run over there at once. 475 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:18,442 I mean, she... she's not that great, you guys. 476 00:18:18,542 --> 00:18:20,742 I mean, she's kind of old. 477 00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,764 You should see her areolas— one's like a helicopter pad, 478 00:18:22,790 --> 00:18:24,557 the other one's like a, you know, like... 479 00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:25,972 like a tick bite. 480 00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:28,046 It's freaky. Very disorienting. 481 00:18:30,032 --> 00:18:31,667 Is this making you feel better at all? 482 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,622 I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone! 483 00:18:47,578 --> 00:18:48,304 How's that? 484 00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:51,378 You know when you get dumped and you're, like, racking your brain 485 00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:53,665 for what was it that I did wrong? 486 00:18:53,695 --> 00:18:55,584 Well, this is a really unique situation 487 00:18:55,615 --> 00:18:58,416 in that I don't have to do that. 488 00:18:58,492 --> 00:19:00,660 Well, what happened? 489 00:19:00,734 --> 00:19:03,435 I'm sorry. I know what— I know that it's my fault. 490 00:19:03,646 --> 00:19:05,047 I didn't mean it like... 491 00:19:06,944 --> 00:19:08,132 Jess, can I say something 492 00:19:08,163 --> 00:19:10,602 - that'll potentially not help this situation? - No. 493 00:19:10,621 --> 00:19:13,188 I've never been a home-wrecker. 494 00:19:13,813 --> 00:19:15,782 And I liked it. 495 00:19:15,930 --> 00:19:18,831 I mean, Sam was threatened by me. 496 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,993 I mean, I see that as a victory. 497 00:19:24,322 --> 00:19:27,326 But in-in more important... 498 00:19:28,031 --> 00:19:32,864 uh, ways, a huge, huge, devastating loss. 499 00:19:33,091 --> 00:19:34,115 For you. 500 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,441 Should I call Cece? This feels like Cece territory. 501 00:19:37,472 --> 00:19:38,821 This isn't Nick territory. 502 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:39,883 This is, uh... 503 00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,782 Look, Jess... 504 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,836 I'm sorry, okay, 505 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:50,364 that I kissed you. 506 00:19:50,576 --> 00:19:51,871 But I shouldn't have done it, 507 00:19:51,913 --> 00:19:53,513 because it was obviously a mistake, 508 00:19:53,550 --> 00:19:55,651 and now you're crying and... 509 00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:57,921 I won't do it again. 510 00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,239 Well... 511 00:20:01,294 --> 00:20:05,886 maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with. 512 00:20:06,129 --> 00:20:07,930 - What happened? - He just... 513 00:20:08,228 --> 00:20:11,253 He always wanted to fist bump in the morning. 514 00:20:11,284 --> 00:20:14,231 - And you didn't like that? - I hated it. What are... what... 515 00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,245 - I feel like you're forgiving me. - No. 516 00:20:16,263 --> 00:20:18,632 - I felt like before I said that you were though. - Nope. Nope. 517 00:20:18,658 --> 00:20:21,731 Now you remembered you're still mad at me. No? Okay. 518 00:20:21,777 --> 00:20:23,612 - All right, good night, Nick. Night. - Okay, good night, Jess. 519 00:20:23,642 --> 00:20:24,809 Hey, Jess. 520 00:20:26,361 --> 00:20:27,222 Too soon? 521 00:20:27,307 --> 00:20:28,801 Yeah, too soon! 522 00:20:28,819 --> 00:20:31,339 Well, hey, good night. And I'm sorry about everything. 523 00:20:31,543 --> 00:20:32,643 Okay. 524 00:20:40,242 --> 00:20:41,575 Okay, yeah. 525 00:20:41,605 --> 00:20:43,006 - That was... - Yeah. That was... 526 00:20:43,048 --> 00:20:44,371 - a little bit weird. - So weird. 527 00:20:44,402 --> 00:20:45,602 Let's not ever do that again. 528 00:20:45,638 --> 00:20:47,406 - Yeah. - Do it again. Okay. 529 00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:49,268 - Good night. Night, Miller! - Good night. 530 00:20:49,948 --> 00:20:51,111 Good night, Sergeant. 531 00:20:53,423 --> 00:20:55,935 I'm glad everything's back to normal around here. 532 00:20:59,837 --> 00:21:01,221 Thank you for what you said up there. 533 00:21:01,252 --> 00:21:03,177 - You know, I got a lot of phone numbers. - Good. 534 00:21:04,375 --> 00:21:05,607 I think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates. 535 00:21:05,615 --> 00:21:07,449 - I think that's a great thing. Good. - Yeah. 536 00:21:09,548 --> 00:21:11,406 The plan hasn't changed; I am still marrying an Indian guy. 537 00:21:11,426 --> 00:21:12,424 - No, yeah, that's fine. - Okay? 538 00:21:12,449 --> 00:21:14,668 But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying. 539 00:21:14,692 --> 00:21:16,368 Just take this off. Come on. Let's go. 540 00:21:17,864 --> 00:21:20,109 God, I have missed this. 541 00:21:22,678 --> 00:21:24,246 Turban on? Turban off? 542 00:21:24,263 --> 00:21:26,231 I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but... 543 00:21:26,611 --> 00:21:27,963 turban on. 544 00:21:27,988 --> 00:21:29,608 - Turban on it is. - Uh-uh 545 00:21:33,357 --> 00:21:34,557 Taking that magic carpet ride. 546 00:21:34,588 --> 00:21:37,555 - Yeah? No? - Shut up! Whoo! 547 00:21:37,724 --> 00:21:41,525 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther