1 00:00:01,030 --> 00:00:02,662 and I own things. 2 00:00:03,454 --> 00:00:04,255 Like this. 3 00:00:04,267 --> 00:00:06,323 - What is that? - Oh, my God, that poor girl. 4 00:00:06,341 --> 00:00:08,231 This is the Archduke. 5 00:00:08,261 --> 00:00:11,027 The crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure. 6 00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:13,205 Dude, this thing takes 16 single-A batteries? 7 00:00:13,229 --> 00:00:15,383 I thought I threw that thing out the window. 8 00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,534 - That only made it stronger. - Oh, that reminds me: 9 00:00:17,558 --> 00:00:19,838 Daisy called, and we're going out tonight. 10 00:00:20,268 --> 00:00:21,959 Yeah, she sounded pretty excited. 11 00:00:21,965 --> 00:00:23,870 I do believe her exact words were, 12 00:00:23,931 --> 00:00:25,603 "This is your last chance." 13 00:00:25,813 --> 00:00:27,245 - So, I'm very confident. - Yeah. 14 00:00:27,264 --> 00:00:28,455 Very confident. 15 00:00:28,479 --> 00:00:30,604 Schmidt, can you help me with my phone? I have... 16 00:00:30,628 --> 00:00:33,456 Oh, you need help? Where's your women's lib now? 17 00:00:33,730 --> 00:00:34,737 From Teddy: 18 00:00:34,762 --> 00:00:38,485 "In town tonight. Would love to see you. 9:00 p.m. drinks?" 19 00:00:38,502 --> 00:00:40,008 - Oh, my God, Teddy. - Oh, my God. 20 00:00:40,025 --> 00:00:41,368 - Hey, who's Teddy? - Whoa, hey, man. 21 00:00:41,394 --> 00:00:43,187 - What are you doing...? Nick? - Weird and gross. 22 00:00:43,204 --> 00:00:45,010 Sometimes I just sit in the stall and listen to you guys. 23 00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:46,279 - Who's Teddy? - Makes sense. 24 00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:48,325 What do you think he wants? You think I should meet him for a drink? 25 00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:51,691 Am I the only one kind of dying to know who this Teddy character is? 26 00:00:51,726 --> 00:00:54,491 - I think I speak for all of us... - Nick, you and Jess didn't work out, okay? 27 00:00:54,530 --> 00:00:56,386 - No... - www.MoveOn.org. 28 00:00:56,398 --> 00:00:57,895 Yeah, "ww" — It's not about that, just... 29 00:00:57,914 --> 00:00:59,158 - Chill out. - Yeah, no. Thanks. 30 00:00:59,183 --> 00:01:01,605 Fine. Look. Um... 31 00:01:01,623 --> 00:01:04,011 I already regret this. Teddy... 32 00:01:04,582 --> 00:01:05,704 Teddy took my flower. 33 00:01:05,723 --> 00:01:07,242 - Wow, yeah, he did. - What flower? - What? 34 00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:08,979 Yeah, he stole a flower from you? 35 00:01:08,997 --> 00:01:10,993 And you want to have drinks with him? 36 00:01:13,332 --> 00:01:15,089 - Oh, from your wonderful secret garden. - Ugh. 37 00:01:15,095 --> 00:01:17,443 - Oh, my God. - You guys do have to hear this story, though. 38 00:01:17,462 --> 00:01:19,837 - 'Cause it is the worst. It's the worst! - No, no. 39 00:01:19,885 --> 00:01:20,710 - It's the worst. - They... 40 00:01:20,729 --> 00:01:22,595 I guarantee you it's not any more embarrassing 41 00:01:22,614 --> 00:01:24,834 - than the story of me losing my virginity. - I promise you 42 00:01:24,871 --> 00:01:26,571 mine's worse than all of yours. 43 00:01:26,824 --> 00:01:28,544 Prom night. 2000. 44 00:01:28,562 --> 00:01:30,425 - What was the theme? - Yeah, who cares about the theme? 45 00:01:30,444 --> 00:01:32,200 - What were you wearing? - I want to know the theme. 46 00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:40,067 Sync and corrections by Norther www.addic7ed.com 47 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,786 It was after prom. Cece and I were both 18, 48 00:01:43,810 --> 00:01:45,685 and we'd rented a hotel room. 49 00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:47,074 So... 50 00:01:47,293 --> 00:01:49,061 would you like to freak? 51 00:01:49,368 --> 00:01:50,855 Yes, I would. 52 00:01:59,839 --> 00:02:01,305 I'm gonna freak you toward the bed. 53 00:02:01,323 --> 00:02:03,336 - Do I have your permission? - Yes, you do. 54 00:02:07,442 --> 00:02:09,641 So, he and I were the founding members 55 00:02:09,659 --> 00:02:11,875 of the Gender Equality Society. 56 00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:15,159 Also, the only members of the Gender Equality Society. 57 00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,022 We both asked each other to the prom 58 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,978 in the spirit of gender equality, and we both said yes. 59 00:02:19,997 --> 00:02:22,416 - Okay, get to it. - No one cares. - Oregon sucks. 60 00:02:24,374 --> 00:02:25,693 I'm gonna take off your dress. 61 00:02:25,705 --> 00:02:26,799 Do I have your permission? 62 00:02:26,817 --> 00:02:28,355 - Yup. Yup. - Okay. 63 00:02:30,577 --> 00:02:32,293 - I can't find the zipper. - Oh. 64 00:02:32,312 --> 00:02:33,612 Oh, there is no zipper. 65 00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:36,438 Um, I made this dress, and my mom sewed me in, so... 66 00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:39,002 Um, maybe I can try in the abdominal area here? 67 00:02:39,019 --> 00:02:41,447 - Is that okay? Do I have your permission? - Yes. You have my permission. 68 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:42,824 - Unwind the... - Oh. 69 00:02:42,847 --> 00:02:44,178 Maybe if, um... 70 00:02:44,190 --> 00:02:46,611 You know, um, 'cause maybe you could just rip it. 71 00:02:48,447 --> 00:02:50,071 I... I just want to make sure you're feeling safe... 72 00:02:50,090 --> 00:02:52,375 No, no, no. I-I feel, like, so safe, 73 00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:55,232 and, like, I've never felt, like, more safe. 74 00:02:55,315 --> 00:02:58,160 - Well, do I have your permission... - Just be a man and rip it off... 75 00:03:03,119 --> 00:03:05,834 Now I'm feeling very unsafe. 76 00:03:07,699 --> 00:03:08,799 Um... 77 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,191 I think, um, I'm gonna go, 78 00:03:13,203 --> 00:03:16,227 um, get... like, I'll see if the front desk 79 00:03:16,246 --> 00:03:17,539 has a seam ripper. 80 00:03:17,557 --> 00:03:18,625 Yeah. 81 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:19,940 Come on, Jess. 82 00:03:19,963 --> 00:03:21,133 Get to the sex part. 83 00:03:21,164 --> 00:03:23,408 If this is another story about sewing, I swear to God... 84 00:03:23,432 --> 00:03:24,708 Please. I'm getting there. 85 00:03:36,035 --> 00:03:37,544 You okay? 86 00:03:40,317 --> 00:03:41,585 Yeah. 87 00:03:41,603 --> 00:03:43,084 Oh, man. 88 00:03:43,565 --> 00:03:45,934 He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants. 89 00:03:45,946 --> 00:03:48,029 People have told me I look really good in tuxedos, so... 90 00:03:48,047 --> 00:03:50,692 - I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux. - I've worn a tuxedo. 91 00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:52,034 Everybody has tuxedos. 92 00:03:52,046 --> 00:03:53,734 - Tuxedo is different than a suit. - It is? 93 00:03:53,758 --> 00:03:55,523 Wait, didn't he have a guitar? 94 00:03:55,761 --> 00:03:57,480 Oh, my God, yes. Best part. 95 00:04:12,299 --> 00:04:13,292 Lame. 96 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,173 Man... 97 00:04:16,373 --> 00:04:17,842 Prom is so stupid, right? 98 00:04:17,867 --> 00:04:19,213 Yeah, and, like, 99 00:04:19,232 --> 00:04:22,522 what is "prom" short for? 100 00:04:22,886 --> 00:04:25,433 I think it's actually "promenade." 101 00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:31,312 So, you want a man? You want a... want a man? 102 00:04:31,330 --> 00:04:33,618 Okay, there are no scissors in there, 103 00:04:33,642 --> 00:04:35,464 so I taped these two steak knives together. 104 00:04:35,489 --> 00:04:37,201 Now, do I have your permission to just... 105 00:04:37,237 --> 00:04:38,552 Oh! Aah! 106 00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:39,927 Oh, my God. 107 00:04:39,973 --> 00:04:41,198 Uh, I have... 108 00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:42,964 to deal with this... 109 00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:46,671 So, you mean to tell me you didn't 110 00:04:46,696 --> 00:04:48,687 - lose your virginity at prom? - Technically, no. 111 00:04:48,712 --> 00:04:49,650 - Technically? - Damn it, Jess. 112 00:04:49,678 --> 00:04:51,433 Technically, why did we listen to that whole story, then? 113 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,723 - Technically, this guy's the worst. - There was no sex. 114 00:04:53,778 --> 00:04:54,997 Playing guitar for girls. 115 00:04:55,015 --> 00:04:56,842 Girls don't like that. That's a fact. 116 00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:58,086 It's okay, man. 117 00:04:58,117 --> 00:04:59,705 - What's okay? - I wasn't done yet, guys. 118 00:04:59,723 --> 00:05:01,025 I was in the prologue. 119 00:05:01,037 --> 00:05:03,991 David Foster Wallace, where is the sex? 120 00:05:04,222 --> 00:05:05,235 You're in last place. 121 00:05:05,247 --> 00:05:06,854 Cece, please go. Tell your story 122 00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:08,573 of how your lost your virginity. I need a palate cleanse. 123 00:05:08,590 --> 00:05:10,084 Actually, it was the same night. 124 00:05:10,108 --> 00:05:12,220 It was prom night? Really? 125 00:05:12,244 --> 00:05:13,047 Who was it with? 126 00:05:13,059 --> 00:05:15,372 Study Hall Steve or Cool Car Johnny? 127 00:05:15,403 --> 00:05:16,853 Oh, yeah. 128 00:05:17,165 --> 00:05:18,753 - Not exactly. - Not them. 129 00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:21,237 So what? I'm a virgin. 130 00:05:25,457 --> 00:05:26,752 I don't want to plan it out. 131 00:05:26,770 --> 00:05:28,462 Whatever happens, happens. 132 00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:30,064 Oh, hello. 133 00:05:30,245 --> 00:05:33,004 I'd like to make love to you. 134 00:05:33,525 --> 00:05:34,867 That's Mick Jagger. 135 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,033 - What? - Whoa! - What? 136 00:05:36,057 --> 00:05:37,352 Game changer! 137 00:05:37,386 --> 00:05:38,289 Freaking... 138 00:05:38,314 --> 00:05:40,583 Beatlemania! Beatlemania! 139 00:05:40,595 --> 00:05:42,116 Keep it together, Schmidt. 140 00:05:42,128 --> 00:05:43,266 - Oh, my... - The Beatles? 141 00:05:43,290 --> 00:05:45,856 He was just on tour in Portland, and we just started talking, 142 00:05:45,862 --> 00:05:47,445 and then we started laughing... 143 00:06:02,308 --> 00:06:03,764 What... but I'm confused. 144 00:06:03,810 --> 00:06:05,966 Uh, Cece, that is not an embarrassing story. 145 00:06:05,978 --> 00:06:07,310 Yeah, I know. 146 00:06:07,350 --> 00:06:08,900 - But I just love telling it. - Yeah. 147 00:06:08,919 --> 00:06:11,745 Cece, you officially move into last place. 148 00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:14,274 Boom. Moving up, worst story. 149 00:06:14,303 --> 00:06:15,341 Jess, 150 00:06:15,403 --> 00:06:17,031 you have no chance of winning. 151 00:06:17,101 --> 00:06:18,953 It was my junior year of college. 152 00:06:18,992 --> 00:06:20,526 I was about 200 pounds heavier. 153 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:24,139 Freshman 50 plus sophomore 50 plus junior 100. 154 00:06:24,487 --> 00:06:26,239 I got some lubricant. 155 00:06:28,853 --> 00:06:30,602 It's to use on a woman. 156 00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:31,465 Uh... 157 00:06:31,496 --> 00:06:33,496 to increase her pleasure. 158 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,103 Hey... 159 00:06:39,141 --> 00:06:41,079 is it chill if I have the room later? 160 00:06:41,473 --> 00:06:44,075 Elizabeth and I have been talking, and... 161 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,818 - we plan on merging tonight. - Yeah, Schmidt! 162 00:06:47,837 --> 00:06:50,217 Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina. 163 00:06:50,248 --> 00:06:51,786 The room's all yours, cowboy. 164 00:06:51,824 --> 00:06:53,440 Yeah, I got some, uh, mushrooms, 165 00:06:53,445 --> 00:06:55,342 and I'm going to a Dave Matthews concert later. 166 00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:56,283 I'm a Daver. 167 00:06:56,296 --> 00:06:57,870 That sucks! 168 00:06:57,882 --> 00:06:58,989 White people. 169 00:06:59,013 --> 00:07:02,280 Is this the first time you'll be making... full love? 170 00:07:02,292 --> 00:07:04,196 No way, Jose. 171 00:07:04,245 --> 00:07:05,821 Look, Nick... 172 00:07:05,902 --> 00:07:09,146 back in high school, they used to call me... 173 00:07:09,881 --> 00:07:12,197 the Sex... the Sex Hammer. 174 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:13,542 - That's a great nickname. - But, you know, 175 00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,026 now that we're sitting here talking, 176 00:07:15,051 --> 00:07:17,665 would you mind having a discussion, uh, openly 177 00:07:17,689 --> 00:07:19,883 about the subject of intercourse? 178 00:07:20,151 --> 00:07:21,432 - Shoot. - Cool. 179 00:07:21,451 --> 00:07:23,203 Hey, does it hurt for the guys? 180 00:07:23,246 --> 00:07:24,949 Not one bit. 181 00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:28,210 If I pee while it's happening, will she die? 182 00:07:31,294 --> 00:07:34,128 How many minutes before sex is it... is it okay to eat? 183 00:07:34,159 --> 00:07:35,904 I don't think it's an exact science. 184 00:07:35,910 --> 00:07:37,863 I think it depends on your frame. 185 00:07:38,243 --> 00:07:40,311 So, I should eat right before. 186 00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:42,026 In terms of lubricant, 187 00:07:42,051 --> 00:07:44,158 do I put a small amount everywhere 188 00:07:44,171 --> 00:07:47,042 or do I use a large amount in a small... 189 00:07:47,059 --> 00:07:49,366 in a smaller area? 190 00:07:56,950 --> 00:07:58,784 You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt. 191 00:07:58,851 --> 00:08:00,118 You're the coolest, Nick. 192 00:08:00,386 --> 00:08:02,011 You know, so I'd already taken the mushrooms. 193 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:04,073 - Obviously. - And I was ready to go to the concert, 194 00:08:04,110 --> 00:08:06,929 when I realized that the troll at the end of my bed 195 00:08:06,951 --> 00:08:08,376 was pretty upset about it. 196 00:08:10,204 --> 00:08:13,981 I don't want any trouble. I think you're a remarkable creature. 197 00:08:16,324 --> 00:08:17,622 No. 198 00:08:17,703 --> 00:08:19,537 Oh... I feel hot in my pants. 199 00:08:21,076 --> 00:08:22,882 I still don't understand why you didn't just leave. 200 00:08:22,906 --> 00:08:25,795 I've told you a million times, my arm was a magnet 201 00:08:25,829 --> 00:08:27,536 and the walls were magnetic. 202 00:08:27,561 --> 00:08:29,290 What about that do you not understand? 203 00:08:39,192 --> 00:08:41,980 That's a real big jar of lube, man. 204 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:45,097 Wait, why are you rubbing it on your leg? 205 00:08:45,241 --> 00:08:47,556 No, that's my arm. 206 00:08:47,913 --> 00:08:50,429 Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes! 207 00:08:50,490 --> 00:08:52,978 Oh, stop moving so much. You're too slippery. 208 00:08:58,066 --> 00:08:59,781 Oh, this lube is so slippery. 209 00:09:02,990 --> 00:09:05,551 Schmidt, where are you? I can't see. 210 00:09:06,105 --> 00:09:07,082 Sex. 211 00:09:07,122 --> 00:09:09,994 I-I think there's enough lube. I think we can do it now. 212 00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:11,522 All right. Get up. 213 00:09:13,573 --> 00:09:15,851 You definitely shouldn't be going to get more. 214 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,574 - Schmidt? - Be right there. 215 00:09:37,396 --> 00:09:39,518 I think we overdid it. 216 00:09:41,177 --> 00:09:42,415 I can't see! 217 00:09:42,427 --> 00:09:44,569 I'm right here... No! 218 00:09:44,607 --> 00:09:46,809 Schmidt, I want to make love! 219 00:09:46,815 --> 00:09:48,009 I got to go. 220 00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:49,446 It's sex. 221 00:09:49,919 --> 00:09:51,107 I'm coming, Elizabeth! 222 00:09:52,709 --> 00:09:54,566 Look, when we were dating, I was very limited 223 00:09:54,578 --> 00:09:55,994 as to what we could do sexually. 224 00:09:56,025 --> 00:09:59,253 It wasn't until the Iraqi war that I realized a guy could even be on top. 225 00:09:59,286 --> 00:10:00,542 But that's all different now. 226 00:10:00,579 --> 00:10:01,835 Now I have the Archduke. 227 00:10:01,841 --> 00:10:04,348 Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube 228 00:10:04,368 --> 00:10:06,831 and some giant sex toy, and just being with her? 229 00:10:06,843 --> 00:10:08,589 Plain Jane-ing it? Yeah, okay. 230 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,960 Well, I know for a fact that I can't win this thing, 231 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,973 because my story was... 232 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:13,771 beautiful. 233 00:10:13,877 --> 00:10:15,844 - Aw. - No, your story was not beautiful. 234 00:10:15,892 --> 00:10:18,612 Nick's dad took us on a business trip to New York, right? 235 00:10:18,643 --> 00:10:21,002 And he said that we could do whatever we wanted. 236 00:10:22,027 --> 00:10:23,739 And we did. 237 00:10:26,279 --> 00:10:27,989 Oh, man. 238 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,475 They're all on the Titanic. 239 00:10:30,494 --> 00:10:32,547 How does this movie end? 240 00:10:32,634 --> 00:10:34,228 I can't believe I never seen it before, man. 241 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:35,259 It's the best. 242 00:10:35,272 --> 00:10:36,609 You're mom's the best... 243 00:10:36,665 --> 00:10:37,846 at having boobs. 244 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,790 - Shut up, stupid. - I'm just kidding, man. 245 00:10:41,863 --> 00:10:43,506 - Don't. Don't. - Hey. 246 00:10:43,662 --> 00:10:46,155 I didn't bring you two dummies all the way to New York 247 00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:49,038 so you can park your cans on the couch, watch TV 248 00:10:49,044 --> 00:10:50,385 and flick each other's Bics. 249 00:10:50,409 --> 00:10:51,879 Hey, Dad, last night, somebody broke in 250 00:10:51,904 --> 00:10:53,896 and ordered a pornographic movie, 251 00:10:53,915 --> 00:10:55,531 so there's a mistake on the bill. 252 00:10:56,350 --> 00:10:58,550 Yeah, okay, you can tell that to the Marines. 253 00:10:58,568 --> 00:10:59,994 Meanwhile... 254 00:11:00,031 --> 00:11:02,031 I have a little surprise for you boys. 255 00:11:02,058 --> 00:11:04,392 - Oh, cool. - Ladies? 256 00:11:12,022 --> 00:11:13,978 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 257 00:11:13,997 --> 00:11:15,920 no, no, no, no, no. 258 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,838 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 259 00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:28,257 Wait, what? You lost your virginity to prostitutes? 260 00:11:28,275 --> 00:11:30,227 No, they were businesswomen. 261 00:11:30,305 --> 00:11:33,443 - Who could dance sexy. - Winston, 100% they were prostitutes. 262 00:11:33,455 --> 00:11:34,368 Dude, no. 263 00:11:34,387 --> 00:11:35,987 Ladies, ladies, ladies. 264 00:11:36,060 --> 00:11:37,961 We work in the finance markets. 265 00:11:38,042 --> 00:11:40,473 We work in the finance markets? 266 00:11:40,922 --> 00:11:44,127 I'm Mysteria. This is Octopussy. 267 00:11:44,175 --> 00:11:45,876 Your name's Octopussy? 268 00:11:45,944 --> 00:11:47,512 Absolutely. 269 00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:49,273 Thank you, guys, for coming. 270 00:11:49,316 --> 00:11:51,411 We're very wealthy. 271 00:11:53,343 --> 00:11:55,181 Winston, listen to their names. 272 00:11:55,194 --> 00:11:57,250 - They sound like pros. - She was a nurse. 273 00:11:57,327 --> 00:11:59,011 Dude, her nurse hat was in her purse. 274 00:11:59,029 --> 00:12:00,260 Would you listen to yourself? 275 00:12:01,330 --> 00:12:03,331 Uh-huh. 276 00:12:04,378 --> 00:12:06,899 Honey, why are you sweating so much? 277 00:12:07,077 --> 00:12:08,226 You should drink something. 278 00:12:08,245 --> 00:12:10,097 Thank you for the offer, Ms. Octopussy, 279 00:12:10,109 --> 00:12:13,338 but I-I don't drink. I prefer to be drunk on life. 280 00:12:14,202 --> 00:12:15,183 Hold that for me? 281 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,920 - Sure. - Thank you. 282 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,715 Perhaps I'll try some. 283 00:12:28,691 --> 00:12:30,297 Very interesting. 284 00:12:30,404 --> 00:12:33,172 - Uh, uh, uh. - Mmm, mmm, mmm. 285 00:12:33,203 --> 00:12:35,278 I'm gonna do it to you. 286 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,886 You're gonna do what to me? 287 00:12:36,921 --> 00:12:39,555 I don't know. 288 00:12:40,072 --> 00:12:41,391 Are you crying? 289 00:12:41,409 --> 00:12:43,272 Please, excuse me, 290 00:12:43,353 --> 00:12:46,651 but I had to lay off a lot of really good men today at work. 291 00:12:46,813 --> 00:12:49,006 - What's wrong with your friend? - He's a virgin. 292 00:12:49,025 --> 00:12:50,493 Aren't you a virgin, too? 293 00:12:50,518 --> 00:12:52,452 Just my penis, baby. 294 00:12:52,488 --> 00:12:54,827 Just my penis. 295 00:12:55,347 --> 00:12:57,981 So Mysteria and I made love that night. 296 00:12:58,542 --> 00:13:01,360 For ten beautiful seconds. 297 00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:04,694 So, what do you do for a living? 298 00:13:05,345 --> 00:13:07,083 And it was good. 299 00:13:07,234 --> 00:13:10,497 Nick, I can't believe you lost your virginity to Octopussy. 300 00:13:10,509 --> 00:13:11,945 I couldn't go through with it. 301 00:13:11,989 --> 00:13:13,658 It's 'cause the boy had no game. 302 00:13:13,677 --> 00:13:14,671 He couldn't close. 303 00:13:14,689 --> 00:13:16,237 Okay, you don't need game. 304 00:13:16,255 --> 00:13:18,906 They were prostitutes. My dad told me. 305 00:13:18,969 --> 00:13:20,582 Pop-Pop told you? When? 306 00:13:20,744 --> 00:13:22,141 Nicky, you here? 307 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,832 Yeah, I'm here, Dad. 308 00:13:24,282 --> 00:13:25,818 What are you doing? 309 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:31,961 If I'm being totally honest, 310 00:13:31,984 --> 00:13:34,308 I've had some alcoholic beverages tonight. 311 00:13:34,351 --> 00:13:37,281 Well, to be totally honest with you, so have I. 312 00:13:37,428 --> 00:13:39,243 How do you think I got through Annie? 313 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,461 Geez, that was rough. 314 00:13:43,594 --> 00:13:45,957 - What happened here? - I'm sorry, Dad. 315 00:13:46,084 --> 00:13:48,943 I couldn't make love to Ms. Octopussy tonight. 316 00:13:49,084 --> 00:13:51,832 It's too dangerous, and I was afraid the FBI 317 00:13:51,844 --> 00:13:54,207 was gonna track me down or a paper trail. 318 00:13:54,225 --> 00:13:55,726 You think too much. 319 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,882 You think too much about everything. 320 00:13:57,907 --> 00:14:02,060 When I was your age, my dad got a girl for me, too. 321 00:14:02,079 --> 00:14:05,248 I mean, this is almost a Miller family tradition. 322 00:14:05,509 --> 00:14:07,410 You should have seen her boobs. 323 00:14:07,621 --> 00:14:08,950 They were great. 324 00:14:09,068 --> 00:14:10,988 Real pointy, just like I like 'em. 325 00:14:11,012 --> 00:14:12,325 Gross. 326 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,646 Listen, Nicky, 327 00:14:16,907 --> 00:14:19,325 you don't have to do anything 328 00:14:19,654 --> 00:14:21,735 that you don't want to do. 329 00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,080 I just want to make sure that you don't miss out 330 00:14:24,092 --> 00:14:26,028 on the things in life 331 00:14:26,063 --> 00:14:28,740 that are happening when you're not thinking. 332 00:14:29,032 --> 00:14:31,130 Because, believe you me, 333 00:14:31,411 --> 00:14:32,755 those... 334 00:14:32,779 --> 00:14:34,779 are the best things in life. 335 00:14:35,466 --> 00:14:37,091 I think I really like drinking. 336 00:14:37,114 --> 00:14:38,979 Well, that's great. That's wonderful. That's good. 337 00:14:38,997 --> 00:14:40,596 - That's a great start. - It's really fun. 338 00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:42,089 - It makes me feel good. - Good. 339 00:14:43,589 --> 00:14:45,111 Uh... 340 00:14:46,056 --> 00:14:48,050 Don't tell Winston about the girls. 341 00:14:48,081 --> 00:14:49,997 You know, that they're... pros. 342 00:14:50,016 --> 00:14:52,479 - Yeah, I won't. - I don't want to break his heart, you know? 343 00:14:52,504 --> 00:14:54,588 - Okay. - I mean, you can tell him, but just... 344 00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:56,089 wait, you know? 345 00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:57,595 Maybe after I'm gone. 346 00:14:57,632 --> 00:14:59,695 I'll tell him when you're dead. 347 00:14:59,895 --> 00:15:01,889 So it's time you should know. 348 00:15:01,911 --> 00:15:03,292 Mysteria... 349 00:15:03,318 --> 00:15:05,961 On the bright side, looks like you won the contest. 350 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,658 - Actually... - Jess, look at him. 351 00:15:07,683 --> 00:15:09,371 - Let him have this. - Yeah, I'm sorry, Winston. 352 00:15:09,393 --> 00:15:11,039 I just can't let you win this. 353 00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:12,826 My story... 354 00:15:12,851 --> 00:15:14,564 involves... 355 00:15:14,676 --> 00:15:15,910 murder. 356 00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:22,696 Was Mysteria even her real name? 357 00:15:23,504 --> 00:15:24,804 No. 358 00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:30,809 So I'd just moved to L.A. to be with Cece, and we went out to some bar. 359 00:15:30,839 --> 00:15:32,871 - Do you remember where that was? - No. 360 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,695 How did I get this far without having sex? 361 00:15:35,742 --> 00:15:38,308 In three years, I'm gonna be 25. 362 00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:40,676 I can't rent my first car as a virgin. 363 00:15:40,799 --> 00:15:41,998 They'll know. 364 00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:43,696 Okay. What about those guys over there? 365 00:15:43,715 --> 00:15:46,206 - Mega beer! - Party! 366 00:15:46,224 --> 00:15:47,867 - Pour beer at the same time. - Yeah! 367 00:15:47,898 --> 00:15:49,436 They are definitely single. 368 00:15:49,496 --> 00:15:50,907 Yeah! 369 00:15:51,294 --> 00:15:53,467 I mean, kill me. 370 00:15:55,646 --> 00:15:56,708 Oh, my God. 371 00:15:56,753 --> 00:15:58,833 It was the guy from prom night. 372 00:15:58,852 --> 00:16:00,251 It was fate. 373 00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,870 Want to get out of here? 374 00:16:03,215 --> 00:16:05,315 Like, to do it? 375 00:16:05,627 --> 00:16:07,346 - Yeah. I'd be down with that. - Yes. 376 00:16:07,382 --> 00:16:09,461 Um, but I'm kind of living out of my car right now. 377 00:16:09,474 --> 00:16:10,718 - Damn it. - Yeah. 378 00:16:10,743 --> 00:16:13,185 And I'm sleeping on my friend's couch. 379 00:16:18,380 --> 00:16:20,238 Do you like DVDs? 380 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,901 Do you sell cookies? 381 00:16:27,604 --> 00:16:29,439 Not a cookie bar. 382 00:16:32,068 --> 00:16:33,902 I have an idea. 383 00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:39,843 Hey, uh, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, 384 00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,712 so this may kind of take a while. 385 00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:45,545 The only antidepressants you need are in my pants. 386 00:16:45,831 --> 00:16:47,562 Uh, it's really a medical issue. 387 00:16:47,593 --> 00:16:49,971 I'm so sorry. That was really uncool. 388 00:16:49,984 --> 00:16:52,040 And... take as much time as you need. 389 00:16:52,257 --> 00:16:54,491 So, two hours later... 390 00:16:54,521 --> 00:16:55,505 still nothing. 391 00:16:55,523 --> 00:16:58,288 It was like a wind sock on a windless day. 392 00:16:58,432 --> 00:17:00,687 Give me an update, brother. How's your wang? 393 00:17:01,493 --> 00:17:02,618 Do you have, like, an... 394 00:17:02,637 --> 00:17:04,328 Is there, like, an angle you could... 395 00:17:04,763 --> 00:17:06,001 like... I mean... 396 00:17:06,019 --> 00:17:08,049 It's just... it's so much easier when it's, like, in the shower, 397 00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:09,985 you know, and you're by yourself and you don't... 398 00:17:10,010 --> 00:17:11,058 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 399 00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:13,106 - And there's no one with you. - Well, what can I do to help? Listen, 400 00:17:13,125 --> 00:17:15,817 why don't we try our luck on the other side of the castle, okay? 401 00:17:17,466 --> 00:17:18,845 Oh, my God! 402 00:17:19,763 --> 00:17:20,882 We're stuck. 403 00:17:20,953 --> 00:17:23,554 Hey, uh, don't really know why, but... 404 00:17:24,665 --> 00:17:25,641 ready now. 405 00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,629 - Okay, getting worse. - We were promised murder. 406 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:28,797 She's not done. 407 00:17:30,432 --> 00:17:31,538 Hey... 408 00:17:31,573 --> 00:17:34,106 hey, kids. Could one of you go get a grown-up? 409 00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:36,715 We're doing some grown-up things over here. 410 00:17:37,145 --> 00:17:39,558 - Happy birth... Happy birthday. - Happy birthday. 411 00:17:41,021 --> 00:17:43,455 Sir, um, we tried to make love 412 00:17:43,467 --> 00:17:47,116 on the bench, but, uh, there was a man there. 413 00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,893 Oh, he's still there. He must have been very tired. 414 00:17:49,907 --> 00:17:51,940 He slept through all those sirens. 415 00:17:52,102 --> 00:17:54,008 - This man's dead. - What? 416 00:17:54,077 --> 00:17:57,352 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - I'm stuck! 417 00:17:57,468 --> 00:17:59,488 Officer, I... it was very dark, 418 00:17:59,502 --> 00:18:01,165 and I did not see the knife. 419 00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:03,029 There's so much death in the world. 420 00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:05,224 Seriously, dude, take your pills! I'm sick of you. 421 00:18:05,243 --> 00:18:06,287 I'm sick of you! 422 00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:07,947 - I'm sick of you! - Important reminder... 423 00:18:07,963 --> 00:18:09,511 don't move. 424 00:18:10,609 --> 00:18:12,988 I think I might be gay! 425 00:18:13,013 --> 00:18:13,776 Yeah. 426 00:18:13,812 --> 00:18:15,915 Oh, my God. 427 00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:18,657 Teddy's gay? I knew it. Yes. 428 00:18:18,679 --> 00:18:20,032 That wasn't Teddy. 429 00:18:21,353 --> 00:18:23,572 - That was Teddy. - What? 430 00:18:33,916 --> 00:18:35,684 I'm Teddy. 431 00:18:35,738 --> 00:18:36,726 Teddy Sherman. 432 00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:41,419 Take me home, Teddy. 433 00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:43,585 Take me home. 434 00:18:46,878 --> 00:18:48,382 I'm sick of firemen always winning. 435 00:18:48,407 --> 00:18:50,996 Well, you know, I'd just waited so long, 436 00:18:51,002 --> 00:18:52,538 and Teddy took me by surprise. 437 00:18:52,557 --> 00:18:54,215 It was the heat of the moment. 438 00:18:54,250 --> 00:18:55,550 I didn't have to think about it. 439 00:18:55,574 --> 00:18:57,359 Well, who wins? I-I need a winner. 440 00:18:57,371 --> 00:19:00,086 - I think we're all losers. - Are you kidding me, Jess? 441 00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:03,789 You had passionate sex with a fireman, all right? 442 00:19:03,812 --> 00:19:05,581 I had sex with a hooker. 443 00:19:05,629 --> 00:19:08,263 Well, I mean, unless... Are you guys sure she was a hooker? 444 00:19:09,859 --> 00:19:11,163 Jess, wait. 445 00:19:11,485 --> 00:19:14,643 So, is he, like, the kind of fireman that hangs back and takes care of the dog? 446 00:19:14,683 --> 00:19:16,464 No, he, like, 447 00:19:16,514 --> 00:19:17,883 straight up fought fires. 448 00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:19,538 - That's awful to hear. - You know, 449 00:19:19,563 --> 00:19:22,024 you never actually told me how you lost yours. 450 00:19:22,198 --> 00:19:23,848 Alison Daniels. 451 00:19:23,972 --> 00:19:26,507 On a towel in the woods. 452 00:19:26,905 --> 00:19:28,193 I cried. 453 00:19:28,232 --> 00:19:30,166 She kept her bra on. 454 00:19:30,321 --> 00:19:31,684 It was nice. 455 00:19:35,002 --> 00:19:36,432 Oh. 456 00:19:37,185 --> 00:19:38,519 I have to go meet Teddy. 457 00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:40,275 I should go. 458 00:19:43,028 --> 00:19:44,989 What do you think? 459 00:20:02,042 --> 00:20:04,061 What are you doing? 460 00:20:04,827 --> 00:20:06,771 Let's not think about it. 461 00:20:07,758 --> 00:20:09,433 I've got three hours till the red-eye. 462 00:20:09,445 --> 00:20:11,346 - Let's do this. - Um... 463 00:20:11,463 --> 00:20:13,346 Babe, you know I don't do well under pressure. 464 00:20:13,371 --> 00:20:15,229 Well, just distract yourself. Um... 465 00:20:15,272 --> 00:20:16,744 here, turn on the TV. 466 00:20:26,019 --> 00:20:28,406 Look, we're gonna be married in, like, two days. 467 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,695 Should we maybe, you know, 468 00:20:30,995 --> 00:20:32,562 try it once? 469 00:20:32,688 --> 00:20:33,959 Not yet. 470 00:20:57,367 --> 00:20:59,063 What is that? 471 00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:04,196 It's a super intense German personal power massager. 472 00:21:04,284 --> 00:21:07,019 But I don't think we need it. 473 00:21:07,775 --> 00:21:09,885 Hey. You know... 474 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,555 since you... 475 00:21:11,642 --> 00:21:14,333 came all this way with that box... 476 00:21:16,249 --> 00:21:19,210 We'll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector. 477 00:21:50,041 --> 00:21:51,916 Oh, boy. 478 00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,897 Ruh-roh. 479 00:21:53,928 --> 00:21:58,928 Sync and corrections by Norther www.addic7ed.com