1 00:00:01,575 --> 00:00:03,953 So I've been thinking a lot about it, and… 2 00:00:04,036 --> 00:00:07,498 I'd really like to start calling you "shorty" in public. 3 00:00:07,581 --> 00:00:10,209 By the way, my office is throwing a party tomorrow, and I would… 4 00:00:10,292 --> 00:00:11,978 - I'd really like for you to be there. - Well, I have a photo shoot, 5 00:00:12,002 --> 00:00:13,963 but I think I could come after that. 6 00:00:14,046 --> 00:00:15,506 Oh, yeah, well, that sounds good. 7 00:00:15,589 --> 00:00:17,174 - Who's that? - Hmm? 8 00:00:18,634 --> 00:00:21,095 It's my doctor. Uh, D-Dr. Cover. 9 00:00:21,178 --> 00:00:23,013 Doc-Doctor Wyland Cover. 10 00:00:23,138 --> 00:00:25,099 He's my oncologist. 11 00:00:25,182 --> 00:00:26,892 - He's an oncologist. - Hey, 12 00:00:26,976 --> 00:00:28,519 you guys know anything about cats? 13 00:00:28,602 --> 00:00:30,163 Yeah, I'm trying to score some points with Daisy, 14 00:00:30,187 --> 00:00:31,706 so I promised to watch her cat tonight. 15 00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:33,375 They carry disease, they're obsessed with my nipples, 00 16 00:00:33,399 --> 00:00:35,359 and they are unwelcome in this loft. 17 00:00:35,442 --> 00:00:38,320 Did you just say that cats are obsessed with your nipples? 18 00:00:38,404 --> 00:00:40,114 I've told you this story before. 19 00:00:45,869 --> 00:00:48,581 I think I would have remembered that story. 20 00:00:48,664 --> 00:00:49,915 No cats. 21 00:00:49,999 --> 00:00:52,209 Ugh! Come on, bangs, you sons of bitches. 22 00:00:52,293 --> 00:00:53,752 - Here, let me do 'em, Jess. - What? 23 00:00:54,962 --> 00:00:56,672 - Nick, Nick, stop. - What? 24 00:00:56,755 --> 00:00:58,358 - Stop, you're gonna ruin it. - I'm not gonna ruin… 25 00:00:58,382 --> 00:00:59,942 I was… I was making 'em look prettier. 26 00:01:00,009 --> 00:01:02,094 - No, you weren't. - Then they look perfect as is. 27 00:01:02,177 --> 00:01:03,697 - Can I ask you a question? - Absolutely. 28 00:01:03,721 --> 00:01:04,906 We having this thing right now? 29 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,765 - Do I look okay? - Do you look okay? 30 00:01:06,932 --> 00:01:08,309 - Yeah. - Hell yeah! 31 00:01:08,392 --> 00:01:09,768 I want to put it on you. 32 00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,145 On? Put it on me? 33 00:01:11,228 --> 00:01:13,314 Yeah, on. I stand by that. 34 00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:15,274 I'd like to put it on you. 35 00:01:16,066 --> 00:01:17,484 What is wrong, Jess? 36 00:01:17,568 --> 00:01:19,987 I've been at this new school for a week now 37 00:01:20,070 --> 00:01:21,739 and I still haven't made any friends. 38 00:01:21,822 --> 00:01:23,782 There's, like, a clique of teachers, 39 00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:25,993 and they run the school. 40 00:01:26,076 --> 00:01:29,163 You keep bumpin' me against the wall. 41 00:01:29,246 --> 00:01:30,915 Yeah, I know I let you slide before. 42 00:01:30,998 --> 00:01:34,293 Hey, but until you seen me, trust me. 43 00:01:34,376 --> 00:01:35,711 You ain't seen bouncin' back. 44 00:01:35,794 --> 00:01:38,672 You keep bumpin' me against the wall 45 00:01:38,756 --> 00:01:40,174 I just want them to like me. 46 00:01:40,466 --> 00:01:41,967 I know it sounds dumb, but… 47 00:01:42,051 --> 00:01:43,302 Leave it to me, I'll fix it. 48 00:01:43,385 --> 00:01:44,595 You're Nick Miller's girl now. 49 00:01:44,678 --> 00:01:45,804 You're my old lady. 50 00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,640 - What? - Whatever you need, you got it. 51 00:01:47,723 --> 00:01:49,075 Why are you talking like a James Taylor song? 52 00:01:49,099 --> 00:01:50,851 - I don't know. - Hey. 53 00:01:50,935 --> 00:01:52,621 Either of you guys know anything about cats? 54 00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:55,314 Oh, my God, Schmidt has the greatest cat story! 55 00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:58,126 - Ugh, it was disgusting. - You shut your damn mouth. 56 00:01:58,150 --> 00:01:59,502 - Thought it was cute… - Makes me feel like puking, Jess. 57 00:01:59,526 --> 00:02:00,819 Oh, grow up! 58 00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,154 Nothing came out. 59 00:02:03,697 --> 00:02:05,324 Who's that girl? 60 00:02:05,407 --> 00:02:07,701 - Who's that girl? - It's Jess. 61 00:02:13,290 --> 00:02:15,626 You know what? I've never actually seen you this happy. 62 00:02:16,252 --> 00:02:18,170 Who are you? I don't know, it's weird. 63 00:02:18,254 --> 00:02:19,898 - I've never seen you smile ever. - Yeah, yeah, it's weird. 64 00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:22,132 - This is the first time. It's not bad. - Yeah. 65 00:02:22,216 --> 00:02:23,856 - I mean, it's not great. - Yeah, I agree. 66 00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,135 Somewhere right in the middle. 67 00:02:25,219 --> 00:02:27,054 - Can I ask you something? - Of course. 68 00:02:27,137 --> 00:02:29,932 Hypothetically speaking, what if you met somebody 69 00:02:30,015 --> 00:02:33,185 that you liked, uh, just as much as Jess? 70 00:02:33,269 --> 00:02:34,311 Schmidt, stop. 71 00:02:34,395 --> 00:02:36,146 Okay, you picked Cece, so let Elizabeth go. 72 00:02:36,230 --> 00:02:37,916 Initially I said "hypothetically," so just… 73 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,709 Do you know a place I can get cheap school supplies? 74 00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:41,068 I only have $15 75 00:02:41,277 --> 00:02:42,987 and a halfie… $15 and a halfie. 76 00:02:43,070 --> 00:02:45,030 - A halfie? - Yeah, it's a half. 77 00:02:45,114 --> 00:02:46,299 It got ripped, so it's a half. 78 00:02:46,323 --> 00:02:47,717 No one's gonna accept that as currency. 79 00:02:47,741 --> 00:02:49,243 Hey, what's up, guys? 80 00:02:49,326 --> 00:02:50,762 - Did you press the button? - I thought you pressed the button! 81 00:02:50,786 --> 00:02:52,906 No, I didn't press the button. What is wrong with you? 82 00:02:53,205 --> 00:02:54,565 What did you do when you walked in? 83 00:02:54,623 --> 00:02:55,666 Talked to you. 84 00:02:55,749 --> 00:02:57,269 Guys, I'm gonna go pick up Daisy's cat. 85 00:02:57,418 --> 00:02:58,919 You know, you don't just ask anybody 86 00:02:59,003 --> 00:03:00,730 to take care of your cat. That's a very serious thing, 87 00:03:00,754 --> 00:03:02,423 so I decided I'm gonna go over there 88 00:03:02,506 --> 00:03:05,426 and I'm gonna ask Daisy to be my girlfriend. 89 00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,303 - You are? - Whoa! 90 00:03:07,386 --> 00:03:09,138 - Yeah. - Major move! 91 00:03:09,221 --> 00:03:10,723 - Good stuff. - Look at you, man. 92 00:03:10,806 --> 00:03:13,058 So I'm just gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell Daisy, 93 00:03:13,142 --> 00:03:15,019 "Listen, my heart is a two-man bike," 94 00:03:15,102 --> 00:03:17,688 "and I want you in the rear." 95 00:03:18,689 --> 00:03:19,815 What do you think? 96 00:03:19,898 --> 00:03:22,067 Winston, don't say that. You want her in your… 97 00:03:22,151 --> 00:03:24,254 You can say "the rear." You don't want her in your rear. 98 00:03:24,278 --> 00:03:25,714 No, don't say "the rear" at any time. 99 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:26,965 - You guys are just jealous. - What? 100 00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:28,407 You guys are gonna steal my swag. 101 00:03:28,490 --> 00:03:30,701 I wouldn't even know how to begin to steal a swag. 102 00:03:31,619 --> 00:03:33,805 - I thought you pressed the button. - I've been way over here. 103 00:03:33,829 --> 00:03:35,682 - That's weird, the whole time… - I-I haven't pressed… 104 00:03:35,706 --> 00:03:36,749 I'll press the button. 105 00:03:36,832 --> 00:03:40,502 Last night, I rectified our budget 106 00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:43,172 while taking a long soak 107 00:03:43,255 --> 00:03:45,174 in my new Jacooz. 108 00:03:45,841 --> 00:03:48,636 My elbows are as soft as babies. 109 00:03:48,719 --> 00:03:50,846 I love a soft elbow. 110 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:53,057 How about you bring that noise over here. 111 00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:54,308 Good meeting. 112 00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:56,393 Great, well… 113 00:03:56,477 --> 00:03:57,645 Uh… 114 00:04:00,147 --> 00:04:02,149 - Foster's such a dork. - He needs to get laid. 115 00:04:02,232 --> 00:04:03,692 I got laid. 116 00:04:04,693 --> 00:04:06,445 This morning. 117 00:04:06,528 --> 00:04:07,905 From my boyfriend. 118 00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:09,281 So… 119 00:04:09,365 --> 00:04:12,243 Coitus no-one-interruptus. 120 00:04:12,326 --> 00:04:16,038 That… Because we finished, so… 121 00:04:16,455 --> 00:04:17,915 Why are you talking to us? 122 00:04:17,998 --> 00:04:19,667 - You have owl eyes. - Yeah. 123 00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:24,255 Hey! 124 00:04:24,338 --> 00:04:26,298 Trust me. What's up, teachers? 125 00:04:26,382 --> 00:04:28,842 Who wants free school supplies? 126 00:04:28,926 --> 00:04:30,261 What are you doing here? 127 00:04:30,344 --> 00:04:31,821 Point to the ones who don't like you, and I'm gonna give… 128 00:04:31,845 --> 00:04:33,885 - I can handle this myself. - I'm fixing it for you. 129 00:04:33,931 --> 00:04:35,307 And then she… Yeah. 130 00:04:35,391 --> 00:04:38,435 Say, listen, why don't you guys come to my bar later for free drinks. 131 00:04:38,519 --> 00:04:39,603 Teachers don't pay. 132 00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:42,022 We'll think about it. 133 00:04:42,106 --> 00:04:43,524 Okay, they'll think about it. 134 00:04:43,607 --> 00:04:44,900 Bye. 135 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,152 Oh, my God. 136 00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:48,862 - That was genius. - It's a no-brainer. 137 00:04:48,946 --> 00:04:51,240 Whoa, that's an amazing move, sex partner. 138 00:04:51,323 --> 00:04:52,449 Sex part… 139 00:04:52,533 --> 00:04:54,994 With the promotion, uh, I got a new office, 140 00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:57,830 so I don't have to look at Bethany's mismanaged eyebrows all day. 141 00:04:58,247 --> 00:05:00,749 Do you like it? It's a perfect two-thirds replica 142 00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:02,143 of Don Draper's office from Mad Men, 143 00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:03,711 and you're my sexy Peggy. 144 00:05:03,794 --> 00:05:05,421 Good God, at least shut the door. 145 00:05:05,504 --> 00:05:06,648 My tiny credenza is in the way. 146 00:05:06,672 --> 00:05:07,840 Hey, Elizabeth, 147 00:05:07,923 --> 00:05:09,943 are you gonna be coming to the party tomorrow night? 148 00:05:09,967 --> 00:05:11,385 Party? What party? 149 00:05:11,468 --> 00:05:12,720 The big office party. 150 00:05:12,803 --> 00:05:14,096 Schmidt, did you not invite her? 151 00:05:15,556 --> 00:05:18,392 I was just about to invite you to go. 152 00:05:18,475 --> 00:05:20,185 Cool, it's a date. 153 00:05:20,436 --> 00:05:21,645 - Bye, baby. - Bye. 154 00:05:21,729 --> 00:05:23,314 Mwah, mwah. 155 00:05:24,982 --> 00:05:28,027 How… How dare you interfere with my personal life, you crone. 156 00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,903 I don't… I don't kick up a fuss 157 00:05:29,987 --> 00:05:32,031 when you massage yourself with your yoga ball. 158 00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:34,116 Oh, I'm sorry, were you gonna invite Cece? 159 00:05:34,199 --> 00:05:37,494 Beth, please. I am in love with both of these women. 160 00:05:38,078 --> 00:05:40,205 Do I feel bad about lying to them? 161 00:05:40,289 --> 00:05:42,207 Yes. I'm a Sagittarius. 162 00:05:42,291 --> 00:05:44,126 Congrats on your new office. 163 00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:46,170 Gina gave birth on that carpet. 164 00:05:52,509 --> 00:05:54,303 Consider this closed. 165 00:05:54,386 --> 00:05:57,014 Right, so, yeah, um… 166 00:05:57,139 --> 00:06:00,851 Um, so, Daisy, what I was really trying to say… 167 00:06:01,477 --> 00:06:03,228 Is, uh… 168 00:06:03,312 --> 00:06:04,396 Is your shower running? 169 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:05,874 Yeah, I was just about to take a shower. 170 00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:07,024 - What's going on? - Okay. 171 00:06:07,107 --> 00:06:10,945 Um, Daisy, I think what we have is real, 172 00:06:11,028 --> 00:06:13,364 and, uh, I want us to be exclusive, 173 00:06:13,447 --> 00:06:17,785 just you and me in the rear. 174 00:06:18,827 --> 00:06:20,454 Yeah, that sounds great. 175 00:06:20,537 --> 00:06:22,957 Awesome, um… 176 00:06:25,668 --> 00:06:27,169 Sorry, that's mine. 177 00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:28,837 So, Furguson gets 178 00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,761 his wet food in the morning, dry food at night. 179 00:06:36,011 --> 00:06:37,805 - Somebody in there? - No. 180 00:06:39,515 --> 00:06:40,891 No treats after midnight. 181 00:06:42,726 --> 00:06:47,022 "Oh, my name is Principal Foster, and this is" 182 00:06:47,106 --> 00:06:48,107 "the Jacooz." 183 00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:49,275 "The Jacooz." 184 00:06:49,358 --> 00:06:51,277 He's so nice, don't you think? 185 00:06:52,236 --> 00:06:53,696 He's such a nice boss. 186 00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:58,158 Y'all want some drinks? 187 00:06:58,242 --> 00:06:59,743 - Yeah, okay. - Yep. 188 00:06:59,827 --> 00:07:01,579 - Thank, thank you. - Thank you. 189 00:07:01,662 --> 00:07:03,557 What do you think? I think it's going really well. 190 00:07:03,581 --> 00:07:05,249 Okay, I just realized what's happening. 191 00:07:05,332 --> 00:07:06,834 It's high school over there, 192 00:07:06,917 --> 00:07:08,794 and they're the cool kids, and you're the nerd. 193 00:07:08,877 --> 00:07:10,629 I was never a nerd. 194 00:07:10,713 --> 00:07:12,965 On western wings the fowls doth fly. 195 00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:15,467 On briny swells the fishes doth swim. 196 00:07:15,718 --> 00:07:17,303 Oh, like you were so cool. 197 00:07:17,469 --> 00:07:18,637 Stall! 198 00:07:18,721 --> 00:07:20,222 Nick! Nick! Nick! 199 00:07:24,685 --> 00:07:26,061 The Miller Sack Pack. 200 00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:28,355 - Miller Sack Pack? - They made shirts. 201 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,126 You know what? I'm not explaining my coolness to you. 202 00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:33,611 I was cool. Listen to me. You want to be in with them? 203 00:07:33,819 --> 00:07:36,322 Roll with the punches, go with the flow. 204 00:07:36,405 --> 00:07:38,324 Make fun of your boss a little bit. 205 00:07:38,407 --> 00:07:40,034 Don't follow your instincts. 206 00:07:40,117 --> 00:07:41,285 I wouldn't sing. 207 00:07:41,368 --> 00:07:44,121 But most importantly, follow my lead. 208 00:07:44,204 --> 00:07:47,166 And by "follow my lead," I mean drink. 209 00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,667 And I mean drink… 210 00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:50,753 A lot. 211 00:07:51,629 --> 00:07:53,631 Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing. 212 00:07:53,714 --> 00:07:55,794 That's the only thing in the world I know to be true. 213 00:07:57,843 --> 00:07:59,511 Schools are for fools! 214 00:07:59,595 --> 00:08:00,721 They are. 215 00:08:00,804 --> 00:08:03,349 Sometimes firemen are women! 216 00:08:03,432 --> 00:08:05,517 Sometimes! Sometimes! 217 00:08:09,438 --> 00:08:11,065 Hey, there she is. 218 00:08:11,148 --> 00:08:12,775 Ol' Toilet Pants, the girl 219 00:08:12,858 --> 00:08:15,819 who bet herself six dollars she could dance in a toilet bowl. 220 00:08:15,903 --> 00:08:19,406 Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. 221 00:08:19,490 --> 00:08:21,742 What's going on? 222 00:08:21,825 --> 00:08:23,410 I'm cool. 223 00:08:23,494 --> 00:08:25,222 You are cool, but you still got to go to work, 224 00:08:25,246 --> 00:08:27,248 'cause you're running late, so up and at 'em. 225 00:08:27,331 --> 00:08:29,017 Hey, Nick, I got to talk to you. I have a real problem. 226 00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:30,584 Oh, my God. Did you kill Jess? 227 00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,393 No, no, no, no. She just got really drunk 228 00:08:32,461 --> 00:08:33,647 last night, and she passed out. 229 00:08:33,671 --> 00:08:35,339 Hey, guys. 230 00:08:35,422 --> 00:08:37,758 - Are you crying, buddy? - No. 231 00:08:37,841 --> 00:08:38,944 - Hey, did he kill Jess? - No. 232 00:08:38,968 --> 00:08:40,970 No, I didn't kill Je… 233 00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:42,573 Okay, remember when I was so hungover, 234 00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:44,265 I almost missed my flight for Christmas? 235 00:08:44,348 --> 00:08:45,474 Ah, count it down. 236 00:08:45,557 --> 00:08:47,434 - Three, two, one. - Two, one. 237 00:08:47,935 --> 00:08:51,146 I believe I can fly 238 00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:53,482 I believe I can touch the sky 239 00:08:53,857 --> 00:08:56,902 I think about it every night and day. 240 00:08:56,986 --> 00:08:59,238 Spread my wings and fly away. 241 00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:00,739 No, no! 242 00:09:00,823 --> 00:09:02,658 I believe I can soar. 243 00:09:02,741 --> 00:09:04,118 Soar… 244 00:09:04,201 --> 00:09:06,370 - I'm up, I'm up, I'm up. - Oh, she's awake. 245 00:09:06,453 --> 00:09:07,597 That was beautiful. Where are my tights? 246 00:09:07,621 --> 00:09:09,456 Uh, in the bathroom where you barfed. 247 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:10,580 Spread my wings and fly… 248 00:09:10,624 --> 00:09:11,851 - You sounded really good there, man. - Start the band. 249 00:09:11,875 --> 00:09:13,395 - What did you do to her? - I just told her 250 00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:14,479 that I thought drinking would make her cool. 251 00:09:14,503 --> 00:09:16,714 What are you, a 14-year-old hockey player? 252 00:09:16,797 --> 00:09:18,149 You're supposed to protect her, not encourage her. 253 00:09:18,173 --> 00:09:20,593 Okay, I am protecting her. She's my old lady now. 254 00:09:20,676 --> 00:09:23,095 - By turning her into you? - I'm not… 255 00:09:23,178 --> 00:09:26,056 Yeah, Daisy cheating on me. 256 00:09:28,142 --> 00:09:29,685 Wait, we're using real honey? 257 00:09:29,768 --> 00:09:30,936 So sticky. 258 00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:33,314 Hey, babe! What a nice surprise! 259 00:09:34,231 --> 00:09:35,316 I came to tell you 260 00:09:35,399 --> 00:09:37,294 that you can't come with me to the party tonight. 261 00:09:37,318 --> 00:09:41,196 They just told me that it's employees only. No sig oths. 262 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,573 Just say "significant others." 263 00:09:42,656 --> 00:09:44,676 Maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched. 264 00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:47,161 Looks like we're gonna go late here anyway, so no worries. 265 00:09:47,244 --> 00:09:48,954 All right… Shorty. 266 00:09:50,205 --> 00:09:52,458 All right, bring in the bees! 267 00:09:52,541 --> 00:09:55,127 Oh, wait. The bees are real, too? Oh, hell no! 268 00:09:55,210 --> 00:09:57,129 Nick, I need your help, okay? 269 00:09:57,212 --> 00:09:58,714 Now, I am no plumber, 270 00:09:58,797 --> 00:10:01,592 but I'm 99% sure that there was a guy in her bathroom. 271 00:10:01,675 --> 00:10:03,653 - She agreed to be exclusive with you… - Mmm-hmm. 272 00:10:03,677 --> 00:10:06,597 While the guy she is obviously sleeping with 273 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,557 was washing his size 15 274 00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:10,142 ding-dong in the shower. 275 00:10:11,018 --> 00:10:12,370 And now you're taking care of her cat. 276 00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,938 Those are the bullet points, yes. 277 00:10:14,021 --> 00:10:16,621 You know what you got to do to get yourself out of this situation. 278 00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:18,525 Break up with Daisy! 279 00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,796 Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're making some very good points. 280 00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:24,198 You know, break up with Daisy. That's an option. 281 00:10:24,281 --> 00:10:26,158 I was thinking, like, I'll kill her cat. 282 00:10:26,617 --> 00:10:27,701 Winston. 283 00:10:29,286 --> 00:10:30,913 Yeah, I'm-I'm gonna kill her cat first. 284 00:10:30,996 --> 00:10:32,498 - Hey. - I'm gonna kill you. 285 00:10:36,377 --> 00:10:38,003 Hey, it's little Toilet Pants. 286 00:10:38,087 --> 00:10:39,129 Hey, Toilet Pants! 287 00:10:39,213 --> 00:10:41,840 Toilet Pants! 288 00:10:41,924 --> 00:10:43,425 Please stop shouting. 289 00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:44,551 You are so awesome. 290 00:10:44,635 --> 00:10:46,971 I want to show you something. 291 00:10:48,722 --> 00:10:50,182 Oh. Oh. Oh. 292 00:10:52,059 --> 00:10:53,352 You're one of us now. 293 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:56,313 You never have to drink out of a paper cup again. 294 00:10:56,397 --> 00:10:57,731 Fun mugs. 295 00:10:59,650 --> 00:11:02,653 This one makes me look like I have a… 296 00:11:02,736 --> 00:11:03,904 - Mustache. - Mustache. 297 00:11:03,988 --> 00:11:05,281 Mustache. 298 00:11:09,910 --> 00:11:11,537 - What's up, Winston? - Oh, hey, Nick. 299 00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:14,498 You know, I couldn't figure out the best way to kill Furguson, 300 00:11:14,582 --> 00:11:16,041 so I decided to just let him choose 301 00:11:16,125 --> 00:11:17,918 how he wants to die. 302 00:11:18,002 --> 00:11:20,629 If only I could get him to leave that damn sunbeam. 303 00:11:21,922 --> 00:11:24,133 - You're gonna murder a cat? - Yeah. 304 00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:26,135 - This is a joke, right? - No. 305 00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:28,762 - This is one of your pranks? - An eye for an eye, Nick. 306 00:11:28,846 --> 00:11:30,264 A cat for a cat. 307 00:11:30,347 --> 00:11:31,807 But what's the other cat? 308 00:11:32,891 --> 00:11:34,226 My heart. 309 00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:36,329 Where's that big flashlight you can hit people with? 310 00:11:36,353 --> 00:11:38,939 Also, do we have any meat pieces that might distract a dog? 311 00:11:39,315 --> 00:11:41,191 Winston, don't do anything stupid. 312 00:11:41,275 --> 00:11:43,712 - Jess, what are you doing? - Oh, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool. It's nothing. 313 00:11:43,736 --> 00:11:45,005 We're just breaking into Foster's backyard, 314 00:11:45,029 --> 00:11:47,865 and we are gonna put our butts in his Jacuzzi. 315 00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:49,342 You're gonna put your butts in his Jacuzzi? 316 00:11:49,366 --> 00:11:50,409 Isn't it awesome? 317 00:11:50,492 --> 00:11:51,803 Uh, no, it's not awesome. It's a crime. 318 00:11:51,827 --> 00:11:53,621 It's a very stupid crime, but it's a crime. 319 00:11:53,704 --> 00:11:55,515 Hey, do you have any makeup or costumes that might 320 00:11:55,539 --> 00:11:56,739 make someone look like a bush? 321 00:11:56,790 --> 00:11:58,292 You are about to commit a felony. 322 00:11:58,375 --> 00:12:01,378 Oh, my God, Nick! You said roll with it! 323 00:12:01,462 --> 00:12:03,148 You're not the kind of person who could break into 324 00:12:03,172 --> 00:12:04,882 the principal's house and get away with it. 325 00:12:04,965 --> 00:12:06,484 You're the kind of person who gets caught, 326 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:08,636 and it ends up on the Internet in a funny way. 327 00:12:09,637 --> 00:12:11,889 My God! That is the cutest cat! 328 00:12:11,972 --> 00:12:13,140 Uh, don't get attached. 329 00:12:13,223 --> 00:12:14,808 Okay, both of you, knock it off! 330 00:12:15,184 --> 00:12:16,477 Winston! 331 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,062 Look, Nick, you're right. 332 00:12:18,145 --> 00:12:19,730 I'm a nerd. I've never fit in. 333 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:21,726 If I met you in high school, 334 00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,651 you never would have even noticed me. 335 00:12:23,734 --> 00:12:25,986 That's just because I didn't go to class. 336 00:12:26,070 --> 00:12:28,423 - I wouldn't have seen you. - I know it's stupid, but I'm doing it. 337 00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:30,550 - I'm not letting you go. - Oh, you're not letting me? 338 00:12:30,574 --> 00:12:31,742 No. 339 00:12:31,825 --> 00:12:33,827 If for some reason I don't come back tonight, 340 00:12:33,911 --> 00:12:37,331 I'll be at the Appleton Suites under the name Suzuki Sinclair. 341 00:12:37,414 --> 00:12:39,416 - Ask for Charles. - Don't… Hey, hey. 342 00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:41,311 We're not done with this conversation, young lady! 343 00:12:41,335 --> 00:12:43,396 - Well, we are done! - Oh, yeah, then where are you going? 344 00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:44,856 - I'm getting a flashlight! - Oh, a hammer, huh? 345 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,650 - Hey, Winston, Winston. - Good way to go. Thr… 346 00:12:46,674 --> 00:12:48,342 - Don't hurt that cat. - Uh-huh. 347 00:12:48,425 --> 00:12:51,220 - Hey, Furguson? Furguson? - You scared him. Don't do this. 348 00:12:51,303 --> 00:12:52,513 - Furguson? - Winston! 349 00:12:52,721 --> 00:12:55,182 - Furguson! - Winston, Winston, stop what you… Stop! 350 00:12:55,266 --> 00:12:56,892 Don't do that scary walk! 351 00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,728 Do not do that scary walk that you do that scares me! 352 00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,188 Hey, Jess? Jess? 353 00:13:01,272 --> 00:13:03,399 Je… Winston, don't kill that… 354 00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:05,776 Jess! I don't know what to do! 355 00:13:10,739 --> 00:13:12,449 - Oh, good Lord. - What's wrong? 356 00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:13,659 Nothing. You know what? 357 00:13:13,742 --> 00:13:15,035 Let me show you the stairwell 358 00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:16,759 where they got the idea for the escalator. 359 00:13:19,081 --> 00:13:21,292 Shorty! My love. My only love. 360 00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:23,695 I'm sorry. I just… I quit that job, and I had to see you. 361 00:13:23,752 --> 00:13:25,632 How emotional. Let's go talk about it in private 362 00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:28,090 in my perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office. 363 00:13:28,465 --> 00:13:30,426 You stay here. I'm gonna get you a drink. 364 00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:32,553 No, no, no, please, you-you… You stay here. 365 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:35,931 - So… - Oh, God, what? 366 00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:37,224 They're both here. 367 00:13:37,308 --> 00:13:38,350 The gas has been spilled. 368 00:13:38,434 --> 00:13:39,852 All we need is a match. 369 00:13:39,935 --> 00:13:42,062 What, are you narrating a book? 370 00:13:49,653 --> 00:13:51,572 Here it comes. 371 00:13:51,655 --> 00:13:53,407 The long nap. 372 00:13:57,870 --> 00:14:00,122 Oh, wow. Tell you what, man, we both need to just 373 00:14:00,205 --> 00:14:01,415 cool off and have a drink. 374 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,250 You smoke? I'm just kidding. 375 00:14:03,334 --> 00:14:05,169 But, man, that'd be cute if you did. 376 00:14:06,921 --> 00:14:08,672 What is wrong with me? 377 00:14:09,214 --> 00:14:11,342 It… 378 00:14:11,425 --> 00:14:14,219 Oh, Furguson. 379 00:14:14,803 --> 00:14:17,848 Listen, I've been dreaming about this fantasy, and I think 380 00:14:17,932 --> 00:14:19,743 this party might be the perfect place to try it out. 381 00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,644 Okay, but I can't get wet. 382 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:25,230 No water. So, listen, you and I are gonna be sexy strangers. 383 00:14:25,314 --> 00:14:28,275 Yeah? Now, your stranger is the early-to-bed type, 384 00:14:28,359 --> 00:14:30,819 and your job has you on Hong Kong time. 385 00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:32,446 But the most important thing is, 386 00:14:32,529 --> 00:14:34,990 you're the first person to leave the party. 387 00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:36,325 Phew. I like. 388 00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:39,995 - Wait, is that Cece? - Is that who? 389 00:14:40,329 --> 00:14:41,455 Huh? No. 390 00:14:41,538 --> 00:14:44,541 - Cece. No. - No, Schmidt, that's definitely Cece. 391 00:14:48,879 --> 00:14:51,257 Sorry, in between modeling jobs, she does catering. 392 00:14:52,174 --> 00:14:54,653 You mind if I go over there and say hello? I think it's only right. 393 00:14:54,677 --> 00:14:56,178 Eh. 394 00:14:58,806 --> 00:15:00,325 - Hey. - Hey, I know you told me to stay 395 00:15:00,349 --> 00:15:01,826 in the office, but Beth insisted that I… 396 00:15:01,850 --> 00:15:03,620 Stay away from that woman, she is patient zero 397 00:15:03,644 --> 00:15:04,964 in this office for spreading HPV. 398 00:15:05,312 --> 00:15:06,438 Here. Put on this apron. 399 00:15:06,522 --> 00:15:08,524 No, why-why would I do that? That's crazy. 400 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:10,818 My boss was asking, so I told her you were a caterer. 401 00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:12,903 So… Just… It's a good idea. 402 00:15:12,987 --> 00:15:15,072 - Okay. - Just… Yes. 403 00:15:15,155 --> 00:15:16,907 You really want me here, don't you? 404 00:15:17,324 --> 00:15:18,909 So badly. 405 00:15:20,661 --> 00:15:22,746 Can we just come back when we have a plan? 406 00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:25,040 - Are you afraid? - No, I'm not afraid. 407 00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:27,126 Rose, give me a boost. 408 00:15:27,209 --> 00:15:28,210 Here's Rose. I got you. 409 00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,379 Oh, my… Oh, my God. 410 00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:31,565 You got to help me a little. 411 00:15:31,589 --> 00:15:32,789 That's a hell of a grip, Rose. 412 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,883 I see the Jacuzzi! 413 00:15:36,051 --> 00:15:37,303 Didn't stick the landing! 414 00:15:37,386 --> 00:15:38,512 You're doing great. 415 00:15:39,013 --> 00:15:41,473 I'm gonna do a loop to not attract suspicion. 416 00:15:41,557 --> 00:15:44,059 - All right. - All right. 417 00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:46,729 Schmidt. I'm right here. 418 00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:48,814 Oh. Do I know you? 419 00:15:48,897 --> 00:15:50,024 Right. 420 00:15:50,107 --> 00:15:51,483 The fantasy. 421 00:15:52,735 --> 00:15:54,987 Boy, I got to go. 422 00:15:55,070 --> 00:15:57,656 I have a 5:00 a.m. conference call with… 423 00:15:58,240 --> 00:15:59,909 The Asians. 424 00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:02,286 Are you leaving soon, stranger? 425 00:16:02,453 --> 00:16:04,204 You mean "Corporal"? 426 00:16:04,288 --> 00:16:06,182 And, no, I'm gonna stick around and throw down one more beer. 427 00:16:06,206 --> 00:16:09,043 Sweet. 428 00:16:09,126 --> 00:16:10,544 Oh, hey. 429 00:16:10,628 --> 00:16:11,879 Don't tell me you're leaving. 430 00:16:11,962 --> 00:16:13,172 Phew, great news. 431 00:16:13,255 --> 00:16:15,716 My boss is in her office completely passed out. 432 00:16:15,799 --> 00:16:18,010 - We finally have the night to ourselves. - Thank God. 433 00:16:18,093 --> 00:16:19,929 It's getting a little weird here, right? 434 00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:22,222 Dressed up like this. 435 00:16:24,224 --> 00:16:26,060 That Elizabeth? 436 00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:36,445 Okay, look, Cece, I-I got to tell you something. 437 00:16:36,779 --> 00:16:38,739 Does Elizabeth work here? 438 00:16:40,074 --> 00:16:41,408 Yes. 439 00:16:42,159 --> 00:16:43,285 Hey. 440 00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:44,954 We were just talking about you. 441 00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:46,622 The food was good. 442 00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:47,831 Yeah. 443 00:16:48,123 --> 00:16:49,917 I was thinking of taking some home. 444 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,252 You deserve it. 445 00:16:51,335 --> 00:16:53,087 Okay, well, I'm heading off. 446 00:16:53,170 --> 00:16:56,632 The Asian markets wait for no one. 447 00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:00,344 Wow. 448 00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:02,972 She was ice cold to you. 449 00:17:03,931 --> 00:17:06,392 I'm gonna go get a drink. 450 00:17:06,475 --> 00:17:08,519 What a night. 451 00:17:16,193 --> 00:17:18,070 - I got this! - Open the damn gate! 452 00:17:18,153 --> 00:17:19,547 - Everything's under control! - Jess, hey! 453 00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:20,882 Don't move! I'm coming over! Rose, move! 454 00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,658 Jess, hey. I'm coming. 455 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:24,702 - I got you. - Whoa, hey, Rose! 456 00:17:24,785 --> 00:17:27,079 Ease up on the throttle. Those are my precious goods. 457 00:17:27,162 --> 00:17:29,415 - Did you follow me here? - Here I come! 458 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,875 - Nick. - Hey. 459 00:17:31,959 --> 00:17:34,795 Hey, Jess. Jess, hey. You okay? 460 00:17:34,878 --> 00:17:36,255 - Yeah. - I'm sorry I tried 461 00:17:36,338 --> 00:17:37,923 to stick my nose in this. I just… 462 00:17:38,882 --> 00:17:41,760 I just… I came here because I'm your old man now. 463 00:17:42,469 --> 00:17:46,640 And if you're gonna do something that's obviously very stupid, 464 00:17:46,724 --> 00:17:48,225 then I'm gonna do it with you. 465 00:17:53,897 --> 00:17:54,940 - Oh. - Oh, my God. 466 00:17:55,024 --> 00:17:56,525 - You go there. - Ow. 467 00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,763 - What's going on out here? - Hey. 468 00:17:58,819 --> 00:18:01,155 - Who are you? - No, I-I used to live here. 469 00:18:01,238 --> 00:18:02,591 I was just doing a visit around the neighborhood. 470 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,700 That's my old bedroom right there. 471 00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:06,035 That's a bathroom. 472 00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:07,244 To you maybe it is. 473 00:18:07,411 --> 00:18:09,622 But to me and my four brothers, 474 00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:11,373 - that's a home. - Nick. 475 00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:12,958 Nick, I can't let you do this. 476 00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:14,877 Mostly 'cause you're so bad at it. 477 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,211 - Is that you, Ms. Day? - Yes. 478 00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:18,088 It is. I'm so sorry. 479 00:18:18,172 --> 00:18:20,382 I trespassed on your property. 480 00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:24,678 And I would not be surprised if you fired me. 481 00:18:25,596 --> 00:18:28,849 I think I know what's really going on here. 482 00:18:29,558 --> 00:18:31,101 You heard about 483 00:18:31,185 --> 00:18:33,103 my new Jacooz. 484 00:18:33,228 --> 00:18:35,648 So open up your morning light. 485 00:18:35,731 --> 00:18:37,524 And you wanted a taste. 486 00:18:37,608 --> 00:18:39,443 And say a little prayer for right. 487 00:18:39,526 --> 00:18:42,488 You know that if we are to stay alive. 488 00:18:42,571 --> 00:18:45,908 Come on in, kids. The water's hot! 489 00:18:45,991 --> 00:18:47,534 Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. 490 00:18:49,870 --> 00:18:51,223 Hey, babe. Thanks for watching him. 491 00:18:51,247 --> 00:18:53,290 He can be a real pain in the ass, huh? 492 00:18:53,374 --> 00:18:54,500 Yeah… 493 00:18:54,583 --> 00:18:56,263 Was there a dude in your shower yesterday? 494 00:18:58,003 --> 00:18:59,588 - Yes. - Hmm. 495 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,548 - How do you know him? - From sex. 496 00:19:01,632 --> 00:19:03,759 But it was from sex before you and I were exclusive. 497 00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:08,013 - Have you had sex with him since? - No! 498 00:19:08,097 --> 00:19:09,473 Oh, wait. Yes. 499 00:19:09,556 --> 00:19:10,808 Last night. 500 00:19:11,225 --> 00:19:14,687 Look, um… I really liked you, Daisy. 501 00:19:14,770 --> 00:19:17,606 You know, I wanted this to be a thing, but, uh, 502 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,149 I deserve better. 503 00:19:21,485 --> 00:19:23,570 - And so does Furguson. - Hmm? 504 00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:25,739 I'm keeping the cat. 505 00:19:27,908 --> 00:19:29,034 I got your cat! 506 00:19:35,249 --> 00:19:37,793 Well, Schmidt, you win. 507 00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:40,421 They both really love you. 508 00:19:40,963 --> 00:19:43,257 So enjoy your office. 509 00:19:47,177 --> 00:19:49,346 - Hey! Toilet Pants! - Oh! 510 00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:51,140 Toilet Pants! 511 00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:53,201 Thanks for taking the bullet for us the other night. 512 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:56,145 How long were you stuck in that Jacuzzi for? 513 00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:58,772 I don't really want to talk about it, but, um, 514 00:19:58,856 --> 00:20:02,610 at one point, he did grab my foot with his toes 515 00:20:02,693 --> 00:20:04,320 like it was a hand. 516 00:20:04,403 --> 00:20:05,946 What are you doing tonight? 517 00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,550 'Cause we got a liquid form of Ecstasy, 518 00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:10,034 and we're gonna grade papers together. What? 519 00:20:10,117 --> 00:20:12,578 I would love to, but I actually think 520 00:20:12,661 --> 00:20:14,079 I'm gonna hang out 521 00:20:14,163 --> 00:20:15,789 with my old man. 522 00:20:15,873 --> 00:20:17,625 That's weird. 523 00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:19,460 Cool. 524 00:20:19,543 --> 00:20:21,211 - See you. - Weirdo. 525 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,431 Hi. 526 00:20:32,514 --> 00:20:34,594 So I hear you're interested in joining the Sack Pack. 527 00:20:34,642 --> 00:20:36,185 I might be. 528 00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:38,020 Then perhaps this will wet your whistle 529 00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:39,855 of what's fun about being a member. 530 00:20:42,483 --> 00:20:44,276 - Just leave it. - Yeah. 531 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,570 You are terrible at Hacky Sack. 532 00:20:46,654 --> 00:20:47,863 I think I'm retiring. 533 00:20:53,702 --> 00:20:55,579 Yeah, I just want to say, 534 00:20:55,663 --> 00:20:57,456 I would've noticed you. 535 00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:10,028 Want to go do it in the teachers' lounge? 536 00:21:10,052 --> 00:21:11,178 - Yes. - You do? 537 00:21:11,262 --> 00:21:13,055 Oh, I'm gonna do it with a teacher! 538 00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:24,984 Okay, something is definitely coming out. 539 00:21:27,945 --> 00:21:29,947 I think we should go.