1 00:00:01,613 --> 00:00:03,698 Hey, Elizabeth, what are we doing tonight? 2 00:00:03,782 --> 00:00:05,033 Dexter and pie. 3 00:00:05,116 --> 00:00:06,618 Girl, you treat me right. 4 00:00:06,993 --> 00:00:09,329 Hey, there she is, my one and only. 5 00:00:11,748 --> 00:00:13,249 Oh, thank God, coffee. 6 00:00:13,333 --> 00:00:15,376 - I barely slept last night. - Yeah, me, too. 7 00:00:15,835 --> 00:00:18,564 I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes when you jammed that sock down my throat. 8 00:00:18,588 --> 00:00:20,840 - I aim to please. - Aw… 9 00:00:20,924 --> 00:00:22,526 Hey, why don't we all go on a double date? 10 00:00:22,550 --> 00:00:24,594 - What are you guys doing tonight? - Yeah. 11 00:00:25,136 --> 00:00:26,429 - Tonight? - Yeah. 12 00:00:26,638 --> 00:00:27,889 - Today's tonight? - Yeah. 13 00:00:28,139 --> 00:00:30,141 Tonight… meaning changes every day, doesn't it? 14 00:00:30,225 --> 00:00:32,036 - Come on, Schmidt. - I'm sure he's got other plans. 15 00:00:32,060 --> 00:00:35,021 - You've got other plans, right? - Plans? Not me. 16 00:00:35,105 --> 00:00:38,900 - I don't even… I mean… Yeah! - What the hell is going on? 17 00:00:38,983 --> 00:00:40,026 What? 18 00:00:41,402 --> 00:00:44,197 Double-double Double-double date! 19 00:00:44,656 --> 00:00:45,907 Rock, rock and roll. 20 00:00:46,366 --> 00:00:47,909 I don't think I exactly understand 21 00:00:47,992 --> 00:00:49,992 the energy here, but yeah, I mean, it sounds great. 22 00:00:50,036 --> 00:00:52,664 Hey, you want to split that pasta from last night? 23 00:00:52,831 --> 00:00:56,793 Winston and Furguson About to split some pasta. 24 00:00:58,294 --> 00:01:02,424 Yeah, man, you know I got "wuv" for you. Got nothing but love for you. 25 00:01:02,507 --> 00:01:04,843 Go ahead, chill out, man, I'll make you some coffee. 26 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:08,930 What? 27 00:01:09,013 --> 00:01:11,641 So what are y'all talking about, going on dates? 28 00:01:13,101 --> 00:01:15,895 - Oh, y'all are talking about that. - Okay, cool. 29 00:01:16,604 --> 00:01:18,064 Nobody invited me. 30 00:01:18,857 --> 00:01:22,402 Is it 'cause I'm single? I mean, I-I know I'm single. 31 00:01:22,485 --> 00:01:25,321 I'm okay with it. It was a choice that I made 32 00:01:25,947 --> 00:01:28,116 as a man… to be alone. 33 00:01:28,199 --> 00:01:32,704 Don't nobody know you like you, so I'm choosing to know myself, who I am. 34 00:01:33,288 --> 00:01:35,008 And if that's okay with you all, can I come? 35 00:01:35,540 --> 00:01:36,976 All right, where should we go tonight, you guys? 36 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,627 - What about that new spot Picca? - A day-of rezzie at Picca? 37 00:01:39,711 --> 00:01:41,231 You guys don't think I can do it, huh? 38 00:01:41,504 --> 00:01:43,131 Well, funk that. 39 00:01:43,798 --> 00:01:47,177 - Bishop can get a table at a chair store. - Well, that's it, then. 40 00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:49,929 - Double date plus one! - You know what would be nuts? 41 00:01:50,305 --> 00:01:53,933 - If I brought my cat Furguson as a date. - Ah, don't do that. 42 00:01:56,102 --> 00:01:58,354 Hey, girl. 43 00:01:58,855 --> 00:02:01,024 What you doing? 44 00:02:01,649 --> 00:02:03,735 Hey, girl. 45 00:02:04,277 --> 00:02:06,488 Where you going? 46 00:02:06,571 --> 00:02:07,822 Who's that girl? 47 00:02:07,906 --> 00:02:09,199 Who's that girl? 48 00:02:09,282 --> 00:02:10,658 Who's that girl? 49 00:02:10,742 --> 00:02:11,785 Who's that girl? 50 00:02:11,868 --> 00:02:12,952 It's Jess! 51 00:02:17,373 --> 00:02:18,416 Hey, listen. 52 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,919 What is that sound? 53 00:02:21,169 --> 00:02:24,339 - Sounds like a gravel driveway in there. - Seventh grade. 54 00:02:24,881 --> 00:02:27,175 Pumping my fist too hard at a Weird Al show. 55 00:02:27,550 --> 00:02:29,636 Go away! 56 00:02:29,719 --> 00:02:31,221 Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh. 57 00:02:31,304 --> 00:02:33,181 Yeah, yeah, totally. How'd I get so lucky? 58 00:02:33,264 --> 00:02:34,349 My bro and my ho. 59 00:02:34,641 --> 00:02:37,078 - My penis… it's gonna be exposed. - It's okay, just cover up. 60 00:02:37,102 --> 00:02:38,204 Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable. 61 00:02:38,228 --> 00:02:41,314 - It's about Schmidt. - Okay, I'm not involved in this at all. 62 00:02:41,397 --> 00:02:43,900 Hiding from the world. You can't see me, I can't see you. 63 00:02:43,983 --> 00:02:47,654 I know this sounds totally paranoid, but I think he's on drugs. 64 00:02:47,737 --> 00:02:49,489 Schmidt on drugs? 65 00:02:49,823 --> 00:02:52,492 Okay, not getting involved starting now. 66 00:02:52,826 --> 00:02:54,994 I'm with Nick here. You remember how hard he took it 67 00:02:55,078 --> 00:02:56,204 when Lance got busted. 68 00:02:56,287 --> 00:02:58,015 He just stared at that yellow bracelet and cried. 69 00:02:58,039 --> 00:02:59,707 I know you're right, but… 70 00:02:59,791 --> 00:03:01,519 - You're coming in? - It's just like he's had 71 00:03:01,543 --> 00:03:03,461 this crazy energy lately. 72 00:03:03,545 --> 00:03:04,921 And did you see how insane he was 73 00:03:05,004 --> 00:03:06,440 when we were talking about the double date? 74 00:03:06,464 --> 00:03:09,217 Also, he has just, like, stopped blinking. 75 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,028 - Is that whippits? - Well, Nick can talk to him. 76 00:03:11,052 --> 00:03:12,863 No, I'm not gonna talk to him. I called that I wasn't 77 00:03:12,887 --> 00:03:14,407 gonna be involved, those calls have to be respected. 78 00:03:14,431 --> 00:03:16,599 If you talk to him, I'll give you a treat. 79 00:03:16,975 --> 00:03:18,393 Bedroom treat or kitchen treat? 80 00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:21,020 Oh, I'm just a country lawyer 81 00:03:21,229 --> 00:03:23,898 and I have a very, very itchy bra. 82 00:03:23,982 --> 00:03:25,733 Well, perhaps I can get underneath. 83 00:03:25,817 --> 00:03:27,652 I've got worker's hands. 84 00:03:27,735 --> 00:03:31,364 It's very itchy in so many different little places. 85 00:03:31,448 --> 00:03:33,616 Let me see. 86 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,094 You guys are being really, really gross right now. 87 00:03:35,118 --> 00:03:37,680 - I keep forgetting you're in here. - I think you made a really good point. 88 00:03:37,704 --> 00:03:40,123 Maybe he is just, like, really into me. 89 00:03:40,206 --> 00:03:43,418 I mean, he has, like, stepped up his bed game a lot. 90 00:03:43,501 --> 00:03:45,170 It is so not about him anymore. 91 00:03:45,253 --> 00:03:47,693 That's disgusting. Let me know when that treat's gonna happen. 92 00:03:47,922 --> 00:03:49,859 And, Cece, I'm sorry about this, but I'm gonna stand up 93 00:03:49,883 --> 00:03:51,527 and you're gonna see my penis, and when I walk out, 94 00:03:51,551 --> 00:03:53,303 you're gonna see my butt. Let's do this. 95 00:03:53,428 --> 00:03:54,429 Oh. 96 00:03:56,598 --> 00:04:00,935 Ah, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. 97 00:04:01,019 --> 00:04:02,228 Sorry. 98 00:04:05,273 --> 00:04:06,691 Yeah, so that's glass. 99 00:04:06,816 --> 00:04:08,777 That ain't no mint. 100 00:04:09,402 --> 00:04:11,738 Nope. Definitely glass, and I swallowed that, 101 00:04:11,821 --> 00:04:13,782 so you should consider, uh, a sign. 102 00:04:13,865 --> 00:04:14,967 - Do you have a reservation? - You know, 103 00:04:14,991 --> 00:04:17,219 it's funny that you would ask that because, you know, I tried to call, like, 104 00:04:17,243 --> 00:04:20,955 20 times, and I couldn't get through, but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation 105 00:04:21,039 --> 00:04:23,541 for tonight around 8:00 p.m. Let's say, like, five people. 106 00:04:23,625 --> 00:04:26,377 - I have an 8:30. - Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00. 107 00:04:26,461 --> 00:04:27,545 Seven weeks from now. 108 00:04:27,712 --> 00:04:29,464 Wait, what, what? No, no, no, no. 109 00:04:29,547 --> 00:04:32,258 Look, there's got to be something that you can do. 110 00:04:32,342 --> 00:04:34,469 Well, you could try your luck at the community table. 111 00:04:36,054 --> 00:04:38,765 Community… hell, no. Listen, um, sorry, you don't understand. 112 00:04:38,848 --> 00:04:41,142 This has to be an official reservation. 113 00:04:41,726 --> 00:04:42,894 No. 114 00:04:43,561 --> 00:04:45,688 I'll tell you what, maybe this will 115 00:04:46,064 --> 00:04:49,818 change… your mind. 116 00:04:55,073 --> 00:04:57,742 - "I owe you a hundred dollars." - Oh, hell no. 117 00:04:57,826 --> 00:05:01,037 No, that… that was supposed to be a ten. 118 00:05:08,461 --> 00:05:10,106 Whoa, you got there faster than I thought. 119 00:05:10,130 --> 00:05:11,565 Hey, so this is weird and it's only gonna take 120 00:05:11,589 --> 00:05:14,634 a second of your time, but, uh… and I probably already know the answer, 121 00:05:14,717 --> 00:05:16,302 but are you on drugs? 122 00:05:16,386 --> 00:05:18,626 I know the answer is no, so I'll just see you later, man. 123 00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,641 - Get in my room. - Don't want to be part of it! 124 00:05:22,642 --> 00:05:24,352 Did you crack my e-mail password? 125 00:05:24,936 --> 00:05:26,354 How did you guess "smithereens"? 126 00:05:26,438 --> 00:05:28,815 Are you really on drugs? Talk to me, Schmidt. 127 00:05:28,898 --> 00:05:30,918 I'm in way over my head, Nick, I'm doing something terrible. 128 00:05:30,942 --> 00:05:32,235 Well, what is it, man? 129 00:05:32,735 --> 00:05:35,155 - You're going to get mad at me. - I'm your best friend. 130 00:05:35,363 --> 00:05:37,782 Okay, I was there for you when you fell off the deck 131 00:05:37,866 --> 00:05:39,159 at Chester's graduation. 132 00:05:42,245 --> 00:05:43,371 Oh, no. 133 00:05:43,455 --> 00:05:44,831 And I'm here for you now. 134 00:05:45,165 --> 00:05:47,125 There's nothing you could say that I'd get mad at. 135 00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:50,587 Okay, um, I can do this. 136 00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:55,550 Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth so that I could start dating Cece again? 137 00:05:55,633 --> 00:05:57,111 Absolutely, and it was really hard for you. 138 00:05:57,135 --> 00:06:00,805 - Yeah, that actually never happened. - What do you mean? 139 00:06:01,431 --> 00:06:02,724 I'm still dating Elizabeth. 140 00:06:03,558 --> 00:06:04,642 What do you mean? 141 00:06:05,018 --> 00:06:06,412 I'm dating both of them, and neither one of them knows it, 142 00:06:06,436 --> 00:06:08,646 - and I feel terrible about it. - But Elizabeth is gone. 143 00:06:09,773 --> 00:06:11,167 - What do you mean? - She's not gone. 144 00:06:11,191 --> 00:06:13,836 - So you broke up with Cece… - I didn't break up with either of them. 145 00:06:13,860 --> 00:06:14,861 What do you mean? 146 00:06:14,944 --> 00:06:16,422 You process this however you need to process it. 147 00:06:16,446 --> 00:06:18,632 - If you want to keep talking it out… - Which one are you dating? 148 00:06:18,656 --> 00:06:19,866 - Both. - Are you dating Cece? 149 00:06:19,949 --> 00:06:21,469 - I'm dating Cece. - Are you dating Elizabeth? 150 00:06:21,493 --> 00:06:22,553 - Yes. - How do you do that? 151 00:06:22,577 --> 00:06:24,297 - They made me choose. - You have to choose. 152 00:06:24,954 --> 00:06:26,807 - You can't have both women. - What was I supposed to do? 153 00:06:26,831 --> 00:06:28,631 What, you think you can have a bunch of wives? 154 00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:32,045 You got one wife! This is the way the world works! 155 00:06:32,128 --> 00:06:34,089 - Why? - I don't know. 156 00:06:34,172 --> 00:06:36,212 I feel terrible about this, I don't know what to do. 157 00:06:36,257 --> 00:06:38,134 How could you do this with Jess's best friend? 158 00:06:38,218 --> 00:06:40,095 I don't know, I feel really badly about it! 159 00:06:41,721 --> 00:06:43,348 In your little brain, 160 00:06:43,723 --> 00:06:46,267 - how do you see this ending? - I see it ending badly. 161 00:06:46,559 --> 00:06:48,853 I see it ending very, very badly. 162 00:06:48,937 --> 00:06:51,272 But you know what? I just… 163 00:06:51,356 --> 00:06:52,816 I want to thank you, though, 164 00:06:52,899 --> 00:06:54,335 just for being there for me and for listening to me. 165 00:06:54,359 --> 00:06:56,378 No. I'm not listening to you and I'm not there for you. 166 00:06:56,402 --> 00:06:57,922 - Because now we're in this together. - We're not in this together 167 00:06:57,946 --> 00:06:59,298 and I'm not listening and I'm not being there, 168 00:06:59,322 --> 00:07:01,199 so just stop telling me things! 169 00:07:02,075 --> 00:07:03,594 What would you like me to do with this information? 170 00:07:03,618 --> 00:07:04,720 Well, it really helped me to tell you. 171 00:07:04,744 --> 00:07:06,704 You should tell somebody, get it off your chest. 172 00:07:06,788 --> 00:07:08,099 - I can't. - You know what I mean? 173 00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:09,600 - Like… Who? - Well, certainly not Jess. 174 00:07:09,624 --> 00:07:10,834 Don't ever tell Jess. 175 00:07:10,917 --> 00:07:12,919 The one person you can't tell is Jess. 176 00:07:15,505 --> 00:07:18,842 Hello, Picca? Yes, I need a table for five. 177 00:07:19,175 --> 00:07:21,136 This is author Toni Morrison. 178 00:07:21,719 --> 00:07:25,014 I am? Well, oh, yeah? Well, I think you're a woman! 179 00:07:25,723 --> 00:07:27,600 - Hello? - Okay, here's what it is. 180 00:07:27,684 --> 00:07:28,893 Just lie to her, Nick. 181 00:07:29,602 --> 00:07:31,372 It's a relationship… men and women lie to each other 182 00:07:31,396 --> 00:07:32,623 all the time, it's what makes marriages work. 183 00:07:32,647 --> 00:07:35,859 Just lie… Oh, you can lie… 184 00:07:35,942 --> 00:07:37,402 Yes, I talked to Schmidt. 185 00:07:37,902 --> 00:07:40,447 Don't act like an alien, just lie to a woman. 186 00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:43,533 It's… Yeah, I talked to Schmidt. 187 00:07:43,616 --> 00:07:45,535 - It's fine, it's not a big deal. - Hey, Nick. 188 00:07:46,286 --> 00:07:47,620 How was your day? 189 00:07:48,788 --> 00:07:51,207 Nothing… 190 00:07:51,332 --> 00:07:52,876 Why are you wearing a helmet? 191 00:07:54,377 --> 00:07:56,463 Oh, hi. 192 00:07:58,339 --> 00:07:59,841 Don't tease me, Nick. 193 00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:01,926 Are we finally gonna do no-kiss sex? 194 00:08:03,052 --> 00:08:04,471 Oh, yes. 195 00:08:11,770 --> 00:08:13,480 Sorry about that. 196 00:08:13,980 --> 00:08:15,523 Look at us. 197 00:08:15,857 --> 00:08:19,861 Community table, like a little community. 198 00:08:37,545 --> 00:08:40,006 Call that seat. That's my seat. 199 00:08:40,131 --> 00:08:41,174 - Come on. - Yeah. 200 00:08:41,257 --> 00:08:44,636 Oh, no, where are y'all going? Dibs on those seats, dibs on that. 201 00:08:45,261 --> 00:08:47,701 Put that for me right there. Hey, put that right there for me. 202 00:08:48,181 --> 00:08:49,641 That was amazing. 203 00:08:49,724 --> 00:08:52,310 Jess, you know so many Spaceballs quotes. 204 00:08:52,393 --> 00:08:55,230 They jam the radar with literal jam. 205 00:08:56,106 --> 00:08:58,483 Oh, hey, did you ever talk to Schmidt? 206 00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:02,362 What's going on, Nick? 207 00:09:03,905 --> 00:09:05,782 Schmidt! Hey! 208 00:09:06,449 --> 00:09:07,826 My best friend? 209 00:09:08,118 --> 00:09:11,162 - You Long Island street trash! - Damn it, Nick, you told her? 210 00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,581 No, he didn't tell me! I-I happened upon it. 211 00:09:13,665 --> 00:09:15,559 Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square? 212 00:09:15,583 --> 00:09:17,335 Jess, I never wanted to be involved in this. 213 00:09:17,419 --> 00:09:19,671 - You're so pretty. - Put your freakin' visor down. 214 00:09:20,422 --> 00:09:25,427 Now, you… you're gonna tell Cece or I will, you… you crumb bum! 215 00:09:25,552 --> 00:09:26,636 - Jess… - You crumb bum. 216 00:09:26,719 --> 00:09:28,596 - Yes, well said. - You are a lowlife. 217 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,199 - I get it. - How could you do this to her? 218 00:09:30,223 --> 00:09:31,808 Jess, I am so sorry. 219 00:09:31,891 --> 00:09:33,893 I made up a dance so everyone will be happy. 220 00:09:37,605 --> 00:09:39,649 Cece's gonna walk through that door any minute, 221 00:09:39,732 --> 00:09:41,132 and you have to tell her the truth. 222 00:09:41,192 --> 00:09:43,778 Jess, please, this would wreck her. I'm begging you. 223 00:09:44,070 --> 00:09:46,173 I-I know you don't believe me, but I do care about her. 224 00:09:46,197 --> 00:09:48,867 Either you tell her or I will, Schmidt. 225 00:09:54,748 --> 00:09:55,999 You're right. 226 00:09:57,584 --> 00:09:58,585 I'll tell her. 227 00:10:04,674 --> 00:10:07,677 Yo, what it be? Double date night! 228 00:10:09,179 --> 00:10:10,555 What's, uh, what's going on? 229 00:10:11,473 --> 00:10:12,474 Tell her. 230 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,101 Tell her. 231 00:10:15,185 --> 00:10:17,395 Okay, okay. 232 00:10:20,231 --> 00:10:22,293 We're taking two cars. It's faster that way because of gas. 233 00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:23,443 - No phones. - What? 234 00:10:23,526 --> 00:10:24,962 Here you go, I got the door, it's okay. 235 00:10:24,986 --> 00:10:26,237 - Go! - Go! 236 00:10:29,824 --> 00:10:32,619 Cigarette, phone call, bathroom. Okay. 237 00:10:38,583 --> 00:10:40,561 Sir, you're clearly alone. We're gonna need this table. 238 00:10:40,585 --> 00:10:43,213 Okay, so what do you think… that over the past two hours, 239 00:10:43,296 --> 00:10:46,633 I, as a single person, have ordered eight separate entrees 240 00:10:46,716 --> 00:10:48,426 and have taken bites of different sizes 241 00:10:48,510 --> 00:10:51,554 of each of them to create some sort of pointless illusion? 242 00:10:52,305 --> 00:10:54,557 Do you know how insane you sound? 243 00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:58,103 God, I hate this job. 244 00:11:01,147 --> 00:11:03,274 - You need to slow down. - I got it. Don't worry. 245 00:11:03,817 --> 00:11:04,943 What's going on, man? 246 00:11:05,026 --> 00:11:06,670 You guys were acting all so weird back there, 247 00:11:06,694 --> 00:11:08,488 and you're driving like a maniac. 248 00:11:08,571 --> 00:11:11,491 Oh, geez. You know, I didn't want to have to say anything, but… 249 00:11:11,825 --> 00:11:14,202 - What? - Here we go. 250 00:11:14,285 --> 00:11:17,372 - Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah! - What? 251 00:11:17,455 --> 00:11:19,499 Apparently, they met at some gas station. 252 00:11:19,874 --> 00:11:23,086 She's much older. Much, much older. Deeply Korean. 253 00:11:23,294 --> 00:11:24,504 I just found out. 254 00:11:24,587 --> 00:11:26,307 And, I mean, Nick is my best friend and all, 255 00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:29,509 but I can't even be in the same room as that scumbag right now! 256 00:11:29,843 --> 00:11:32,429 Oh, I'm so mad! I'm just so, so mad! 257 00:11:32,512 --> 00:11:34,073 I'm terribly angry about the whole situation. 258 00:11:34,097 --> 00:11:35,640 I can't even drive. Take the wheel. 259 00:11:35,723 --> 00:11:37,142 Oh, why, God? 260 00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,560 He was the best of us! 261 00:11:38,643 --> 00:11:40,728 - Cece, please. You're veering everywhere. - Sorry. 262 00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:44,315 Oh, Nick, go, go! We're gonna lose them! 263 00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:47,444 - You keep nerd-stopping at every sign! - Look, if I get another ticket, 264 00:11:47,527 --> 00:11:49,070 they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses. 265 00:11:49,279 --> 00:11:53,074 - Why didn't you get involved back there? - Look, look, here's the reality. 266 00:11:53,158 --> 00:11:56,119 Yes, Schmidt is my best friend, and he's also really scary. 267 00:11:56,202 --> 00:11:58,455 You are so afraid of everything. 268 00:11:58,538 --> 00:12:00,258 Oh, really? Would a man afraid of everything 269 00:12:00,290 --> 00:12:03,042 - put his finger in a cigarette lighter? - I don't know… 270 00:12:03,126 --> 00:12:04,753 Don't do that. That's just stupid! 271 00:12:04,836 --> 00:12:06,463 - I'm not gonna do that. - You wimp. 272 00:12:06,546 --> 00:12:07,964 - Oh, my gosh! - Oh, my God! 273 00:12:08,047 --> 00:12:09,716 - Jess, are you okay? - It really hurts. 274 00:12:09,799 --> 00:12:11,342 - Oh, my Lord, are… - It's so hot! 275 00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:12,802 - Come here. Are you okay? - Yeah. 276 00:12:12,886 --> 00:12:14,596 Are you okay? Look, I'm gonna do it. 277 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:15,805 - Ow! - Oh. 278 00:12:15,889 --> 00:12:17,491 - Why did you do that? - So that we were both 279 00:12:17,515 --> 00:12:18,975 in the same amount of pain! 280 00:12:19,225 --> 00:12:20,435 I'm gonna junk-punch him. 281 00:12:20,518 --> 00:12:21,954 Turn the car around. We're going to the restaurant. 282 00:12:21,978 --> 00:12:23,313 Why would you… That seems rash. 283 00:12:23,396 --> 00:12:25,982 Maybe… I don't know. Maybe staying away for a while, 284 00:12:26,065 --> 00:12:27,460 or at least… I don't know… talking about it, 285 00:12:27,484 --> 00:12:30,987 - hearing his side. I don't… - Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly, 286 00:12:31,071 --> 00:12:32,697 and there is no excuse for it. 287 00:12:33,198 --> 00:12:36,326 The only thing that you can do is punch it in the junk. 288 00:12:36,409 --> 00:12:39,370 Or you could really understand it emotionally from their point of view. 289 00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:41,539 You don't know. Maybe they had a tough childhood. 290 00:12:41,623 --> 00:12:43,434 - Turn the car around, Schmidt. - Maybe their mom's a lesbian. 291 00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,460 - I don't know. - Turn the car around! 292 00:12:45,543 --> 00:12:47,271 Yeah, let's do it. Let's turn the car around. 293 00:12:47,295 --> 00:12:48,421 Let's go to Picca. 294 00:12:48,505 --> 00:12:50,357 I'm gonna turn the car around as soon as I turn this… 295 00:12:50,381 --> 00:12:52,735 - Turn the car around, Schmidt! - As soon as I turn the car around. 296 00:12:52,759 --> 00:12:53,760 Now! 297 00:12:55,136 --> 00:12:58,306 - As soon as I turn this car around… - Turn the car around, Schmidt! Let's go! 298 00:12:58,389 --> 00:13:00,183 And I'm turning the car around. Let's do it. 299 00:13:00,266 --> 00:13:01,893 Double date, here we come. 300 00:13:02,185 --> 00:13:03,728 - What is he doing? - I don't know. 301 00:13:04,187 --> 00:13:05,855 Looks like he lost a wing. 302 00:13:17,659 --> 00:13:22,372 Hey, Jess. Yeah, fourth message. Just a friendly time update. 303 00:13:22,914 --> 00:13:25,917 8:13. Hope to God you guys aren't bailing on me, 304 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,420 or maybe you just lost track of time being couples! 305 00:13:28,711 --> 00:13:31,548 Hit me back. Winnie the Bish. 306 00:13:44,185 --> 00:13:46,247 We're never gonna find this restaurant, maybe we should just go home. 307 00:13:46,271 --> 00:13:47,355 - There it is! - Here it is. 308 00:13:54,821 --> 00:13:57,198 Welcome! Can I have your car, sir? 309 00:13:57,574 --> 00:13:58,700 Oh. 310 00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:01,035 Sir? 311 00:14:02,704 --> 00:14:03,830 Sir? 312 00:14:06,666 --> 00:14:07,917 Sir? 313 00:14:09,377 --> 00:14:11,004 I'm on the phone. 314 00:14:11,254 --> 00:14:13,548 All right, time's up. You got to get out of here. 315 00:14:13,965 --> 00:14:15,425 Uh, that's my friend. 316 00:14:15,508 --> 00:14:17,594 That's my friend. See? See? I told you all. 317 00:14:17,677 --> 00:14:18,762 Huh? I got friends. 318 00:14:18,845 --> 00:14:20,305 Everybody? Hmm? 319 00:14:20,638 --> 00:14:21,806 That's my friend right there. 320 00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:24,434 Where the hell is Nick? How did I even beat him here? 321 00:14:24,517 --> 00:14:26,978 That was the slowest ride of my entire life! 322 00:14:27,061 --> 00:14:28,661 - Oh, Jess… - Literally, my grandmother 323 00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:30,273 drives faster than that. 324 00:14:31,441 --> 00:14:33,234 - Look, she's my best friend. - Yeah. 325 00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:35,671 And Schmidt is mine. That's why I didn't want to get involved. 326 00:14:35,695 --> 00:14:38,531 Well, when someone I love gets hurt, I get involved. 327 00:14:47,415 --> 00:14:49,209 Sir? 328 00:14:52,420 --> 00:14:55,465 - What's up, big cat? - Sir? Sir? 329 00:14:55,548 --> 00:14:57,668 Well, you got to go in there, and you got to face her. 330 00:14:58,093 --> 00:15:01,054 Look, it's not about Cece. This is about the $12 valet. 331 00:15:01,137 --> 00:15:02,722 It's $12 to… 332 00:15:03,014 --> 00:15:05,350 One sec. Hey, it's self-park! 333 00:15:06,101 --> 00:15:08,061 The maroon car is self-park! 334 00:15:10,271 --> 00:15:12,357 It's an excessive amount of money. 335 00:15:13,691 --> 00:15:17,695 - I didn't mean for any of this to happen. - Look, I know you didn't, okay? 336 00:15:18,196 --> 00:15:20,782 But now it's time you do the right thing, Schmidt. 337 00:15:23,576 --> 00:15:26,538 - I can't go in there. - Well, I can't let Jess tell her. 338 00:15:29,749 --> 00:15:32,168 Hello? Open the door. 339 00:15:32,419 --> 00:15:35,422 - Wait, Cece! - Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you. 340 00:15:35,505 --> 00:15:36,774 - I have something to tell you! - What? 341 00:15:36,798 --> 00:15:38,758 No, I have something I need to tell you. 342 00:15:38,842 --> 00:15:41,428 Oh, my God, what are you doing, Cece? 343 00:15:41,511 --> 00:15:44,681 Why did you do that? 344 00:15:44,764 --> 00:15:46,391 Cece. 345 00:15:46,474 --> 00:15:50,186 - You nipped the corner! - Wait, Cece. Uh… okay. I… 346 00:15:50,478 --> 00:15:51,563 Cece, he's not… 347 00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,776 I lied to you. I… Mm. 348 00:15:59,154 --> 00:16:01,656 I've been cheating on… on you with Elizabeth. 349 00:16:14,002 --> 00:16:15,879 Uh, I hate to do this right now, 350 00:16:15,962 --> 00:16:18,548 but if we don't sit, we will lose this table. 351 00:16:24,387 --> 00:16:25,972 Cece, I'm sor… I'm sorry. 352 00:16:26,264 --> 00:16:28,016 I don't… I just… 353 00:16:30,435 --> 00:16:33,313 Is there some place maybe we could, uh, go talk? 354 00:16:33,938 --> 00:16:36,483 Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt. Might as well just say it. 355 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,652 Oh, let's talk. Let's… We… This should be fine. 356 00:16:41,821 --> 00:16:43,156 I didn't want to hurt you. 357 00:16:44,199 --> 00:16:46,326 You have to know that I did not want to hurt you. 358 00:16:46,409 --> 00:16:49,829 Please, I-I'm begging you. If you take anything away from this, 359 00:16:49,913 --> 00:16:52,749 know that I did not want to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt anyone. 360 00:16:53,792 --> 00:16:54,959 Especially you. 361 00:16:55,502 --> 00:16:58,588 You have no idea what you mean to me. 362 00:16:59,255 --> 00:17:01,716 And I got caught up in this thing, and… 363 00:17:03,301 --> 00:17:05,470 I used to be so fat. 364 00:17:06,387 --> 00:17:09,808 I mean, like… truly gigantic. 365 00:17:11,976 --> 00:17:14,395 I mean, as big as… as big… as big as it gets. 366 00:17:15,021 --> 00:17:18,733 And now… and now I'm not, and girls like me, and I don't… 367 00:17:19,275 --> 00:17:21,528 I don't know how to do this. 368 00:17:21,820 --> 00:17:23,947 I got lost. 369 00:17:25,782 --> 00:17:27,117 And I'm sorry. 370 00:17:28,034 --> 00:17:29,411 You're sorry? 371 00:17:30,537 --> 00:17:33,498 You didn't want to hurt anybody? That's the best you can do, Schmidt? 372 00:17:33,915 --> 00:17:35,083 Really? 373 00:17:38,002 --> 00:17:40,755 I don't know. I don't know you. 374 00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:46,010 Good-bye, Schmidt. 375 00:18:01,985 --> 00:18:04,320 I'm just realizing that I don't have any cash on me. 376 00:18:06,448 --> 00:18:09,534 If anyone would be willing to loan me $12 for the valet, 377 00:18:09,617 --> 00:18:12,662 that would be… greatly appreciated. 378 00:18:15,582 --> 00:18:17,041 Cece still hasn't called me. 379 00:18:17,375 --> 00:18:18,936 Do you think you could test my phone again? 380 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,520 I can't. I don't have any more minutes. 381 00:18:21,463 --> 00:18:25,049 Minutes, Nick? Who still has minutes on their phone? 382 00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:27,510 I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999, and I'm still using them. 383 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:31,139 I'm sorry. I just… I-I really want to be there for her. 384 00:18:31,222 --> 00:18:32,849 You are, okay? 385 00:18:32,932 --> 00:18:35,185 And she'll call, 'cause she needs you. 386 00:18:36,269 --> 00:18:39,856 Hell. This is a real butt munch of a situation we're in. 387 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,608 Yeah. 388 00:18:42,066 --> 00:18:43,151 Look… 389 00:18:44,152 --> 00:18:45,403 I'm here for you. 390 00:18:45,737 --> 00:18:48,573 There is nothing I know more than the fact 391 00:18:48,656 --> 00:18:51,284 that I want to be with you, Jess, okay? 392 00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,044 Unless we're driving. 393 00:19:01,753 --> 00:19:03,588 You admitted to driving while legally blind! 394 00:19:03,671 --> 00:19:05,107 No, because you're honestly the worst backseat… 395 00:19:05,131 --> 00:19:07,300 You're honestly telling me what to do the entire time! 396 00:19:07,383 --> 00:19:09,677 - Legally blind. - Whoever has the wheel controls the car! 397 00:19:09,761 --> 00:19:11,346 You liar! 398 00:19:11,888 --> 00:19:13,681 Here's your pie! 399 00:19:21,815 --> 00:19:23,358 You broke my heart. 400 00:19:24,025 --> 00:19:25,735 Mail me my mouth guard. 401 00:19:30,782 --> 00:19:34,619 In case you were wondering if Cece had Elizabeth's number, she does. 402 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,414 So, tough time in Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say? 403 00:19:38,373 --> 00:19:39,999 Just a quick heads-up, Nick, 404 00:19:40,083 --> 00:19:41,084 Jess. 405 00:19:41,459 --> 00:19:42,961 I blame you for this whole thing. 406 00:19:43,211 --> 00:19:46,089 - You can't seriously… - I was going to fix it. 407 00:19:47,465 --> 00:19:48,842 I wasn't going to hurt anyone. 408 00:19:49,509 --> 00:19:51,928 But, since you took it upon yourself to hurt both of them, 409 00:19:52,429 --> 00:19:56,015 should it take me the rest of my life, I'm going to break the two of you up. 410 00:19:56,266 --> 00:19:58,494 - Bring it, Schmidt. - It's impossible. We're really strong. 411 00:19:58,518 --> 00:20:01,813 It will be when you least expect it, which might be when you most expect it. 412 00:20:02,647 --> 00:20:04,750 Could actually be when you're watching the movie version 413 00:20:04,774 --> 00:20:06,401 of What to Expect When You're Expecting. 414 00:20:06,568 --> 00:20:07,861 Regardless… 415 00:20:08,611 --> 00:20:11,489 I… am coming, 416 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,491 for you. 417 00:20:16,995 --> 00:20:19,789 Oh, my God, Schmidt is so scary. You were right. 418 00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:22,226 We have to talk about the things that he could use to pull us apart, okay? 419 00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:24,043 - Okay. - Okay, politics. 420 00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:25,521 You're a Democrat, I've never voted. 421 00:20:25,545 --> 00:20:27,589 - I'm in the Green Party. - Oh, that is so annoying. 422 00:20:27,672 --> 00:20:31,509 Okay, I have been banned for my lifetime from Lake Ontario. 423 00:20:31,593 --> 00:20:32,594 - Don't ask. - Okay. 424 00:20:32,677 --> 00:20:34,471 - What else do you have? - My fear of pears. 425 00:20:35,221 --> 00:20:37,724 - Okay, you're afraid of pears? - And pear-shaped people. 426 00:20:37,807 --> 00:20:40,769 Um, that's interesting. I'm not convinced I know how to read. 427 00:20:40,852 --> 00:20:42,204 I've just memorized a lot of words. 428 00:20:42,228 --> 00:20:44,230 The doctors say I might grow another 18 inches. 429 00:20:44,439 --> 00:20:45,541 That's a different image of you, 430 00:20:45,565 --> 00:20:47,484 but I'm gonna get past that, and I'm past it. 431 00:20:47,609 --> 00:20:49,194 - Okay, the moon landing… - Mm-hmm. 432 00:20:49,319 --> 00:20:51,988 - Uh, which is obviously fake. - No, it's not obviously fake. 433 00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:53,466 - No, that's actually not what… - Are you crazy? 434 00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:55,134 - The moon landing is definitely fake. - The moon landing's not… What? 435 00:20:55,158 --> 00:20:56,969 - It's 100% fake. The shadows are off. - No, they're not. 436 00:20:56,993 --> 00:20:58,888 Yes, they are. I've looked at photos on the Internet, and it proves it. 437 00:20:58,912 --> 00:21:00,997 - Nick, that's… - The shadows are off! 438 00:21:01,081 --> 00:21:03,458 Shadows are not… Those photos are Photoshopped. 439 00:21:03,541 --> 00:21:05,227 - That's not true. - People do that as a joke 440 00:21:05,251 --> 00:21:06,854 - to trick stupid people. - Oh, yeah, you can just Photoshop… 441 00:21:06,878 --> 00:21:08,129 Wait a minute. 442 00:21:08,797 --> 00:21:11,508 He's doing it already. He's getting in our heads. 443 00:21:11,674 --> 00:21:13,903 Unbelievable. Good call. Okay, this is good. Let's keep going. 444 00:21:13,927 --> 00:21:15,529 - I totally agree. Okay. - Let's keep going. Okay. 445 00:21:15,553 --> 00:21:17,639 I kind of want to get a gun. 446 00:21:17,722 --> 00:21:19,891 I'm definitely sexually attracted to ladybugs. 447 00:21:20,683 --> 00:21:21,684 Okay. 448 00:21:24,437 --> 00:21:27,273 I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show. I think it's the best one. 449 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,001 - I know that you're really into… - It's not. 450 00:21:29,025 --> 00:21:32,862 - Yes, it is. He's very charming. - I'm weirdly good at volleyball. 451 00:21:33,113 --> 00:21:34,823 I believe horses are from outer space. 452 00:21:34,906 --> 00:21:36,574 - I believe that, too! - Okay, good.