1 00:00:03,507 --> 00:00:05,843 - That is how you have sex, America. - Yeah. 2 00:00:05,926 --> 00:00:06,927 Yeah. 3 00:00:07,010 --> 00:00:09,096 What's happening here is amazing. 4 00:00:09,179 --> 00:00:10,639 Like, I want 5 00:00:10,722 --> 00:00:13,642 to film it, but I don't want to film it 'cause that would be porn. 6 00:00:13,725 --> 00:00:16,311 And that time I think I figured out 7 00:00:16,395 --> 00:00:18,897 what that thing underneath the thing was. 8 00:00:18,981 --> 00:00:21,024 - Yeah, you did. - And whoa, right? 9 00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,109 Yeah, whoa. 10 00:00:22,192 --> 00:00:25,237 Hey, should we take a break and, like, talk about our childhoods 11 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,948 or something? You know, get in there, 12 00:00:28,031 --> 00:00:30,242 get into it, get into each other's heads. 13 00:00:30,325 --> 00:00:33,245 Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings. 14 00:00:33,328 --> 00:00:34,621 If… yeah… I mean… 15 00:00:34,705 --> 00:00:36,248 No? 16 00:00:36,331 --> 00:00:37,451 I'm gonna throw a curveball. 17 00:00:37,708 --> 00:00:39,585 I'm gonna go banana it 18 00:00:39,668 --> 00:00:41,108 and then I'll be ready for round two. 19 00:00:41,170 --> 00:00:43,714 Define "banana it." 20 00:00:43,797 --> 00:00:46,133 - Eat a banana? - Oh, good. 21 00:00:46,216 --> 00:00:48,635 I was worried for a second. 22 00:00:48,719 --> 00:00:51,472 Oh, what are Nick and Jess doing in there, 23 00:00:51,555 --> 00:00:52,723 and how is it this loud? 24 00:00:52,806 --> 00:00:55,893 Nick's body is so soft, it should absorb sound. 25 00:00:55,976 --> 00:00:57,370 They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt. 26 00:00:57,394 --> 00:00:58,914 It's a whole new ball game around here. 27 00:00:58,979 --> 00:01:00,355 You, see, you wouldn't know that 28 00:01:00,439 --> 00:01:01,875 'cause you haven't been here in weeks, 29 00:01:01,899 --> 00:01:02,983 but now that you're single, 30 00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:04,419 yeah, you got to deal with this, too. 31 00:01:04,443 --> 00:01:06,278 Dumped by two women in the same day, Schmidt, 32 00:01:06,361 --> 00:01:07,738 that has got to be a record, man. 33 00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:09,424 I get it, all right? I lost two perfect women, 34 00:01:09,448 --> 00:01:11,283 but I'm fine with it, all right? I'm fine. 35 00:01:11,366 --> 00:01:13,136 You know, you could've been perfectly happy with either 36 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,429 one of them, but now you're by yourself. 37 00:01:14,453 --> 00:01:15,788 Winston, I'm fine. Please. 38 00:01:15,871 --> 00:01:17,599 - That really has to hurt. - This is my home, too. 39 00:01:17,623 --> 00:01:19,350 I shouldn't have to be faced with their stupid, 40 00:01:19,374 --> 00:01:21,210 happy relationship everywhere I look. 41 00:01:21,293 --> 00:01:24,296 This is going to stop, Winston, 42 00:01:24,379 --> 00:01:26,131 and I'm gonna stop it. 43 00:01:26,215 --> 00:01:28,342 Well, my advice to you is to stay in your foxhole, 44 00:01:28,425 --> 00:01:31,178 keep your head down and invest in one of these babies. 45 00:01:31,261 --> 00:01:33,263 Watch your butt, Furguson. 46 00:01:33,347 --> 00:01:36,225 This is my survival kit. Check this out, man. 47 00:01:36,308 --> 00:01:37,726 Blindfold. 48 00:01:37,810 --> 00:01:39,603 Got this bell wrapped around my neck 49 00:01:39,686 --> 00:01:41,146 so he can hear when I'm coming. 50 00:01:41,230 --> 00:01:42,415 Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will, 51 00:01:42,439 --> 00:01:44,024 I could break them up with one e-mail. 52 00:01:44,108 --> 00:01:45,418 Oh, look at that, look at the royal baby now, 53 00:01:45,442 --> 00:01:46,777 living with slutty Aunt Pippa. 54 00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:48,300 I'm telling you, they're bulletproof. 55 00:01:50,364 --> 00:01:51,740 I'm sorry, um, 56 00:01:51,824 --> 00:01:54,201 I have to show Nick something in the bathroom. 57 00:01:54,284 --> 00:01:55,786 Yeah, it's tiles. 58 00:01:57,704 --> 00:01:59,414 I'm so bad at lying. 59 00:01:59,498 --> 00:02:01,333 It's for sex. 60 00:02:01,416 --> 00:02:04,002 Oh, go! Go make love in our communal shower. 61 00:02:04,086 --> 00:02:06,755 Enjoy it now, you little bunnies. 62 00:02:06,839 --> 00:02:08,298 What? 63 00:02:08,382 --> 00:02:10,008 Want to see a magic trick? 64 00:02:12,594 --> 00:02:15,722 Who's that girl? Who's that girl? 65 00:02:15,806 --> 00:02:17,266 Who's that girl? 66 00:02:17,349 --> 00:02:19,059 Who's that girl? It's Jess. 67 00:02:20,936 --> 00:02:22,312 I like your chewing face. 68 00:02:22,729 --> 00:02:23,981 It's just food. 69 00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:25,625 Yeah, that's all it is, okay, people? 70 00:02:25,649 --> 00:02:27,734 I know it's super annoying to be around a couple. 71 00:02:27,818 --> 00:02:29,194 Not me at all, it's him. 72 00:02:29,278 --> 00:02:30,863 Who… Oh. 73 00:02:30,946 --> 00:02:32,448 Look at him. 74 00:02:32,531 --> 00:02:34,408 Yeah, we had a tough day today 75 00:02:34,491 --> 00:02:36,785 at the V-E-T. 76 00:02:36,869 --> 00:02:38,304 Yeah, he said he's gonna have to get… 77 00:02:38,328 --> 00:02:39,872 It rhymes with "fleutered." 78 00:02:39,955 --> 00:02:41,748 The word is neutered. 79 00:02:41,832 --> 00:02:42,916 Cats don't speak English. 80 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,877 Furguson's never gonna experience actual, 81 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,420 physical lovemaking. 82 00:02:46,503 --> 00:02:48,189 Do you think you're a little too into your cat? 83 00:02:48,213 --> 00:02:50,215 He should be out there, just getting all crazy, 84 00:02:50,299 --> 00:02:51,800 getting his freak on. 85 00:02:51,884 --> 00:02:53,802 I feel bad, man, I don't know what to do. 86 00:02:53,886 --> 00:02:55,655 Let's try to help we got three smart people here. 87 00:02:55,679 --> 00:02:58,932 We all know we got to get Furguson laid, right? Right. 88 00:02:59,016 --> 00:03:00,267 Cat bachelor party. 89 00:03:00,350 --> 00:03:01,769 - That's right. - What do you think? 90 00:03:01,852 --> 00:03:03,252 Yeah, get some little cat strippers. 91 00:03:03,312 --> 00:03:04,688 Big booty cats, little booty cats. 92 00:03:04,772 --> 00:03:06,398 Some tabbies. 93 00:03:06,482 --> 00:03:08,162 - Some black ones, some white ones. - Yeah. 94 00:03:08,192 --> 00:03:10,778 We'll mix it up. Get us a couple Siamese, get weird with it. 95 00:03:10,861 --> 00:03:12,070 - Yeah. - Get him laid? 96 00:03:12,154 --> 00:03:13,423 - You know we're kidding? - We're kidding. 97 00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:14,573 Sure, sure, sure, sure. 98 00:03:14,656 --> 00:03:16,283 Gotcha. 99 00:03:16,366 --> 00:03:18,410 It's happening. 100 00:03:20,662 --> 00:03:22,331 Oh, look, 101 00:03:22,414 --> 00:03:23,457 it's you and you. 102 00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:24,666 Is that a cake? 103 00:03:24,750 --> 00:03:25,910 Why do you have a sheet cake? 104 00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:27,586 Don't eat the cake, Jess. 105 00:03:27,669 --> 00:03:29,254 What is that? 106 00:03:29,338 --> 00:03:30,714 Like, vanilla and vanilla? 107 00:03:30,798 --> 00:03:32,341 I just wanted to wish you guys 108 00:03:32,424 --> 00:03:33,926 a happy one-month anniversary. 109 00:03:34,009 --> 00:03:35,719 Hip hip. 110 00:03:35,803 --> 00:03:37,304 You said you wanted to break us up. 111 00:03:37,387 --> 00:03:38,865 You said you didn't care if it took your whole life. 112 00:03:38,889 --> 00:03:40,366 Look, I understand that I'm not exactly 113 00:03:40,390 --> 00:03:41,642 your favorite person right now, 114 00:03:41,725 --> 00:03:44,269 but I didn't want a milestone in your relationship like this 115 00:03:44,353 --> 00:03:46,105 to… to go uncelebrated. 116 00:03:46,188 --> 00:03:48,565 You're really great together. 117 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:53,153 I don't trust him. 118 00:03:53,237 --> 00:03:55,614 I know, it's Schmidt we're talking about. 119 00:03:55,697 --> 00:03:57,533 After he saw the movie Titanic, 120 00:03:57,616 --> 00:04:00,536 he started the Billy Zane fan club. 121 00:04:00,619 --> 00:04:02,514 - What? - Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs. 122 00:04:02,538 --> 00:04:07,251 Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done? 123 00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:08,502 - I will handle this. - Okay. 124 00:04:08,585 --> 00:04:10,021 - And I'm gonna test this cake. - I'll handle this. 125 00:04:10,045 --> 00:04:13,173 Because I'm so mad at Schmidt. 126 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,470 Hey, dummy, why'd you get us that cake? 127 00:04:18,554 --> 00:04:19,994 Come on, man, I'm just happy for you. 128 00:04:20,055 --> 00:04:21,473 Looking at a, a month? 129 00:04:21,557 --> 00:04:22,766 A big month, man. 130 00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:24,202 How many relationships have you had 131 00:04:24,226 --> 00:04:25,328 that have lasted more than a month? 132 00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:26,687 I don't know, some. 133 00:04:26,770 --> 00:04:28,373 Probably very few, probably very, very few, right? 134 00:04:28,397 --> 00:04:30,357 I mean, you think it's less than two? 135 00:04:30,441 --> 00:04:31,543 One, it's Caroline, you know. 136 00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:33,527 One? Are you kidding me, man? 137 00:04:33,610 --> 00:04:35,237 It's insane, that's so few, 138 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,157 but I guess you only need one, right, the one. Too soon? 139 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,676 I'm really happy, Schmidt. You should be, man. 140 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,261 Look at you, you're like a different guy. 141 00:04:41,285 --> 00:04:42,453 Usually at this point, 142 00:04:42,536 --> 00:04:44,496 you're overthinking and anxious 143 00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:46,999 and panicky and overthinking and overthinking 144 00:04:47,082 --> 00:04:50,377 and distant and nervous and sweaty and overthinking. 145 00:04:50,461 --> 00:04:51,730 You're trying to get in my head, and it's not gonna work. 146 00:04:51,754 --> 00:04:53,380 Who could, man? Look at you. 147 00:04:53,464 --> 00:04:55,382 You're cool as a cucumber. 148 00:04:55,466 --> 00:04:57,468 You're Obama on the ski slopes. 149 00:04:57,551 --> 00:04:59,136 Now, get out there. 150 00:04:59,219 --> 00:05:00,655 Enjoy that cake with the woman that you love. 151 00:05:00,679 --> 00:05:02,347 Too soon? Forget about it. 152 00:05:02,431 --> 00:05:03,557 Good talk. 153 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:04,767 Yeah. 154 00:05:07,644 --> 00:05:08,687 What's wrong? 155 00:05:08,771 --> 00:05:10,063 Nothing. 156 00:05:18,614 --> 00:05:20,240 Uh-oh. 157 00:05:20,324 --> 00:05:23,786 Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation. 158 00:05:23,869 --> 00:05:26,538 Please don't call it a Groundhog's Day situation. 159 00:05:27,206 --> 00:05:29,625 Six more weeks of winter. 160 00:05:30,918 --> 00:05:32,878 Don't worry. Lie back. 161 00:05:33,337 --> 00:05:34,546 I'm gonna take care of this. 162 00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:39,009 This has never happened in my whole life, just so you know. 163 00:05:39,093 --> 00:05:40,928 It's cool, what can I do to help? 164 00:05:41,011 --> 00:05:43,514 I don't know, maybe think outside of the box? 165 00:05:43,597 --> 00:05:45,641 A little chicken kabob 166 00:05:45,724 --> 00:05:48,143 with rice. 167 00:05:48,227 --> 00:05:51,772 Choice of naan or chutney. 168 00:05:54,233 --> 00:05:55,275 - How about we… - Shh! 169 00:05:55,359 --> 00:05:57,486 Oh, I had it. 170 00:05:57,569 --> 00:05:58,612 Reverse psychology. 171 00:05:58,695 --> 00:06:00,197 I'm not attracted to you. 172 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,490 I don't think you're sexy. 173 00:06:01,573 --> 00:06:03,093 - Don't want to have sex with you. - Okay. 174 00:06:03,117 --> 00:06:04,868 I think you're a fat, fat, fatty, fat… 175 00:06:04,993 --> 00:06:06,078 Okay! 176 00:06:12,835 --> 00:06:14,211 Oh, yeah. 177 00:06:15,003 --> 00:06:17,005 Papa Smurf? Really? 178 00:06:17,089 --> 00:06:18,298 Whole body. 179 00:06:18,382 --> 00:06:19,383 Are you sure? 180 00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:20,467 - Yes, hey. - Okay. 181 00:06:20,551 --> 00:06:22,386 - This will work, let's do it. - Okay. 182 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,596 Okay. 183 00:06:25,139 --> 00:06:27,975 Well, at least the sun managed to get up. 184 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:30,894 I have to go move my car. 185 00:06:30,978 --> 00:06:32,020 I'm kidding. 186 00:06:32,104 --> 00:06:33,981 But I'm kidding! 187 00:06:34,815 --> 00:06:36,733 Are we not kidding about this? 188 00:06:41,363 --> 00:06:43,115 Does she have all her shots? 189 00:06:43,198 --> 00:06:44,658 - Yep. - Okay, cool, cool. 190 00:06:44,741 --> 00:06:46,118 Um, let me ask you this. 191 00:06:46,201 --> 00:06:49,079 Uh, does she strike you as, um, I don't know, slutty? 192 00:06:49,163 --> 00:06:51,790 Excuse me, I'm here to pick up Fatty from her grooming. 193 00:06:54,585 --> 00:06:56,044 Oh. 194 00:06:56,128 --> 00:06:57,880 Oh, there you are. 195 00:06:57,963 --> 00:06:59,423 Who are you here to pick up? 196 00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:00,632 Well, actually, 197 00:07:00,716 --> 00:07:03,594 uh, my boy cat is looking for a girl cat. 198 00:07:03,677 --> 00:07:05,262 Oh. 199 00:07:05,345 --> 00:07:07,639 Well, I might know a girl cat 200 00:07:07,723 --> 00:07:09,475 who's looking for a boy cat. 201 00:07:09,558 --> 00:07:11,477 - Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm. 202 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,062 Does the girl cat have all her parts? 203 00:07:14,146 --> 00:07:15,439 Um, 204 00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,524 - yeah. - Yes? 205 00:07:17,608 --> 00:07:19,067 Uh, okay. Well, um, I don't know, 206 00:07:19,151 --> 00:07:21,320 maybe, uh, she could come over sometime? 207 00:07:21,403 --> 00:07:24,156 Like, our cats could go on a date? 208 00:07:24,239 --> 00:07:25,532 Yes, you get it. 209 00:07:25,616 --> 00:07:27,552 You know, everyone else thought I was being weird. 210 00:07:27,576 --> 00:07:31,330 So, um, how often do you groom your cat? 211 00:07:41,799 --> 00:07:43,675 So I talked to my mom about it, 212 00:07:43,759 --> 00:07:45,236 - and my dad… - I've got to go move my car. 213 00:07:45,260 --> 00:07:47,113 Hey, no, it's important we talk about these things. 214 00:07:47,137 --> 00:07:48,537 - Nick, it's… - I'm moving my car! 215 00:07:53,227 --> 00:07:55,187 Hello. 216 00:07:55,437 --> 00:07:57,689 Whew, Nick looks exhausted. 217 00:07:57,773 --> 00:08:00,109 You guys obviously had a good night. 218 00:08:01,401 --> 00:08:02,569 Yeah, um, 219 00:08:02,653 --> 00:08:04,196 I… We didn't sleep much. 220 00:08:04,279 --> 00:08:06,406 Well, of course you didn't, you mangy little stray. 221 00:08:06,490 --> 00:08:08,075 I really don't want to talk about it, 222 00:08:08,158 --> 00:08:09,952 - especially not with you, Schmidt. - I know, 223 00:08:10,035 --> 00:08:12,412 and look, I also realize that it's gonna be a long time 224 00:08:12,496 --> 00:08:13,705 for me to regain your trust. 225 00:08:13,789 --> 00:08:15,207 I just think it's sad 226 00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:16,959 because if you did have a Nick problem, 227 00:08:18,127 --> 00:08:19,503 I probably could help you out. 228 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:22,131 You know, my diploma says that I majored 229 00:08:22,214 --> 00:08:24,425 in communications, but my heart says 230 00:08:24,508 --> 00:08:27,553 that I majored in Nicholas studies. 231 00:08:29,179 --> 00:08:30,431 I'm just saying. 232 00:08:30,806 --> 00:08:32,724 I love the morning. 233 00:08:32,808 --> 00:08:34,143 Anything's possible. 234 00:08:34,226 --> 00:08:36,395 The whole day's ahead of you, you know? 235 00:08:36,478 --> 00:08:38,605 Last night, Nick struggled with impotence. 236 00:08:38,689 --> 00:08:41,567 Oh, my God, I'm not talking to you about this. 237 00:08:41,650 --> 00:08:43,211 Jess, look, I get it. You don't want my help, 238 00:08:43,235 --> 00:08:44,611 but just do me a favor please. 239 00:08:44,695 --> 00:08:46,572 Let me know when you're not mad at me any more 240 00:08:46,655 --> 00:08:48,949 so I can tell you about how men crave danger and variety 241 00:08:49,032 --> 00:08:50,534 in their sexual lives. 242 00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:53,537 I just hope it's not too late, fingers crossed. 243 00:08:56,248 --> 00:08:57,332 What are you talking about? 244 00:08:57,416 --> 00:08:58,917 I mean, I don't care, 245 00:08:59,001 --> 00:09:01,628 but if I did… Theoretically. 246 00:09:01,712 --> 00:09:04,381 Theoretically, I would tell you 247 00:09:04,465 --> 00:09:07,342 for, for a man whose midsection is basically mush, 248 00:09:07,426 --> 00:09:08,802 Nick has had a lot of sex. 249 00:09:08,886 --> 00:09:11,346 He's pushed that mush all over town. 250 00:09:11,430 --> 00:09:12,657 And you know what, he's got some 251 00:09:12,681 --> 00:09:13,849 very weird taste. 252 00:09:13,932 --> 00:09:15,267 Dark, real fringe stuff. 253 00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:16,602 He likes stuff 254 00:09:16,685 --> 00:09:17,871 that they don't even have porn for. 255 00:09:17,895 --> 00:09:19,205 - What? - And you know, a lot of women 256 00:09:19,229 --> 00:09:20,647 wouldn't think to do the Captain 257 00:09:20,731 --> 00:09:23,484 - in, in bed. - What? 258 00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:25,295 That was a mistake I shouldn't have said anything. 259 00:09:25,319 --> 00:09:26,629 - What? - I didn't want to talk about the Captain. 260 00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:27,881 It was a thing, and I did and… 261 00:09:27,905 --> 00:09:29,782 - Do you want a smoothie? - What's the Captain? 262 00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:33,577 Well, it starts off with… 263 00:09:38,707 --> 00:09:40,507 But you want to clean yourself up immediately. 264 00:09:40,584 --> 00:09:42,503 I mean immediately. 265 00:09:42,586 --> 00:09:44,546 And then you… 266 00:09:46,090 --> 00:09:48,509 How comfortable are you with racial slurs? 267 00:09:48,592 --> 00:09:50,302 Then you… 268 00:09:54,348 --> 00:09:56,225 That's basically it. 269 00:09:56,809 --> 00:09:58,477 That's what Nick wants in bed? 270 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,163 Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably not up for it. 271 00:10:00,187 --> 00:10:01,605 It's my… it's my fault. 272 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,448 It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you, 273 00:10:03,482 --> 00:10:05,752 you just don't have the time to learn all those dolphin sounds. 274 00:10:05,776 --> 00:10:07,378 Are you sure you don't want some of this smoothie? 275 00:10:07,402 --> 00:10:08,612 It's straw-bana. 276 00:10:10,364 --> 00:10:11,966 Okay, Furguson, this is a big moment in your life. 277 00:10:11,990 --> 00:10:14,326 All right, just be yourself, you dawg. 278 00:10:14,409 --> 00:10:17,496 Winston, I think I found a way to… 279 00:10:17,579 --> 00:10:20,457 You want to try some catnip? 280 00:10:20,541 --> 00:10:22,334 This is a real bummer. 281 00:10:28,173 --> 00:10:29,591 Ahoy, Nicholas. 282 00:10:31,593 --> 00:10:34,388 Wait, I'm scared! 283 00:10:44,022 --> 00:10:45,566 - Hey. - Hey. 284 00:10:45,649 --> 00:10:47,484 I'm so glad you could make it. 285 00:10:47,568 --> 00:10:49,069 - Oh, thanks. - Let's, um, 286 00:10:49,153 --> 00:10:50,529 let's head to my room. 287 00:10:50,612 --> 00:10:51,756 Oh, you're not wasting any time. 288 00:10:51,780 --> 00:10:53,073 You know, it's just that I have 289 00:10:53,157 --> 00:10:54,801 very judgy roommates, you know, that might get 290 00:10:54,825 --> 00:10:56,344 a little weirded out if they walked in the room 291 00:10:56,368 --> 00:10:57,595 and saw something they weren't supposed to see. 292 00:10:57,619 --> 00:10:58,745 Oh. 293 00:10:58,829 --> 00:11:00,497 Or it's whatever, whatever Fatty wants. 294 00:11:00,581 --> 00:11:01,582 What do you want, Fatty? 295 00:11:01,665 --> 00:11:03,250 Fatty wants to see your room. 296 00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:05,019 That's awesome. Great news. You hear that, Furguson? 297 00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:06,795 - Y'all go play. - Yeah? There you go. 298 00:11:06,879 --> 00:11:08,380 He was nervous. 299 00:11:08,464 --> 00:11:11,717 Well, good thing I brought this. 300 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,469 Yeah, we can't give wine to these cats. 301 00:11:13,552 --> 00:11:16,513 It's been a tough six months, and this cat needs a drink so… 302 00:11:16,889 --> 00:11:18,098 O-Okay. 303 00:11:18,182 --> 00:11:19,391 I don't think they care. 304 00:11:19,475 --> 00:11:20,785 They're not listening at all. Mm-mm. 305 00:11:20,809 --> 00:11:21,995 - They're too into each other. - Yeah. 306 00:11:22,019 --> 00:11:25,314 Nick, we have to talk about this, okay? 307 00:11:25,397 --> 00:11:26,774 All right, I'll go first. 308 00:11:26,857 --> 00:11:28,776 Listen… 309 00:11:28,859 --> 00:11:31,820 I was uncomfortable with some of the specifics 310 00:11:31,904 --> 00:11:33,489 of what we just did. 311 00:11:33,572 --> 00:11:36,784 For example, when I said, "You like that, huh?" 312 00:11:37,242 --> 00:11:40,746 I felt like you really, really didn't like it. 313 00:11:40,829 --> 00:11:42,539 How do you feel? 314 00:11:42,623 --> 00:11:43,999 I just… 315 00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:47,503 I feel like, you know… 316 00:11:47,586 --> 00:11:50,380 No, it's just kind of like… be… I mean… 317 00:11:52,716 --> 00:11:54,802 Uh… 318 00:11:54,885 --> 00:11:56,845 It was good, you know. It's over. 319 00:11:56,929 --> 00:11:59,765 Love sleeping birdsty. 320 00:11:59,848 --> 00:12:01,076 I just want to know what I did wrong. 321 00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:03,393 How does the Captain normally go? 322 00:12:03,477 --> 00:12:04,770 - The what? - The Captain. 323 00:12:04,853 --> 00:12:06,230 What we just did. 324 00:12:06,313 --> 00:12:08,982 I've never done that in my life. 325 00:12:09,066 --> 00:12:11,527 - We did that because you wanted to, Jess. - What? 326 00:12:11,610 --> 00:12:13,195 - Yeah. - Why would I want to do that? 327 00:12:13,278 --> 00:12:16,740 That's degrading to not only women but all of mankind, Nick. 328 00:12:16,824 --> 00:12:18,325 - I know. - I only did that 329 00:12:18,408 --> 00:12:21,245 'cause Schmidt told me it was your favorite thing. 330 00:12:23,497 --> 00:12:26,792 Did you say, 'cause Schmidt said? 331 00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:28,520 - No, no, no, no Did you just… - Don't… 332 00:12:28,544 --> 00:12:32,423 Did you talk to… Tight pants and eyebrows… 333 00:12:32,506 --> 00:12:33,906 Who was I supposed to talk to, Nick? 334 00:12:33,966 --> 00:12:35,551 Every time I tried to talk to you 335 00:12:35,634 --> 00:12:37,529 about your penis problems, you went to move your car. 336 00:12:37,553 --> 00:12:39,138 Those aren't penis problems. 337 00:12:39,221 --> 00:12:42,057 What is… Did you talk to Winston about my penis problems? 338 00:12:42,141 --> 00:12:44,077 - What about Cece, did she get a call? - She wasn't around. 339 00:12:44,101 --> 00:12:46,478 Schmidt told me he had a PhD in Nickology. 340 00:12:46,562 --> 00:12:48,480 He doesn't. There's no such… 341 00:12:48,564 --> 00:12:50,417 We have to talk about our feelings 'cause we're together. 342 00:12:50,441 --> 00:12:52,401 If we needed to talk about feelings, 343 00:12:52,484 --> 00:12:55,195 they would be called "talkings." 344 00:12:55,279 --> 00:12:56,655 No, that is not true. Nick… 345 00:12:56,738 --> 00:12:58,282 - That is 100%… - This is it… 346 00:12:58,365 --> 00:13:00,242 This is Schmidt getting in our heads. 347 00:13:00,325 --> 00:13:02,453 - I'm going to kill him! - Jessica, wait. 348 00:13:02,536 --> 00:13:03,662 Schmidt! 349 00:13:03,745 --> 00:13:05,456 I can't run that fast… The Captain! 350 00:13:05,539 --> 00:13:07,350 - I trusted you. You took advantage of me. - No, no, don't do this. 351 00:13:07,374 --> 00:13:09,126 - Something wrong? - You set us up. 352 00:13:09,209 --> 00:13:11,503 I've done things to Nick I can't ever undo. 353 00:13:11,587 --> 00:13:13,630 You see, your fatal flaw… Communication. 354 00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:16,049 You won't shut up about your feelings, and the only thing 355 00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:19,011 this dummy wants to talk about is the Chicago Brown Bears. 356 00:13:19,094 --> 00:13:20,905 It's just the Chicago Bears. There's no brown… 357 00:13:20,929 --> 00:13:22,699 Who cares? I put a pebble in your path and the two of you 358 00:13:22,723 --> 00:13:24,224 cracked your tiny little skulls on it. 359 00:13:24,558 --> 00:13:27,019 Ooh, by the way, how was the Captain? 360 00:13:27,102 --> 00:13:28,747 Did you make it all the way to the spyglass? 361 00:13:28,771 --> 00:13:31,106 Yes, Schmidt! And my night vision's very good 362 00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:32,900 'cause my eyes are so buggy and big 363 00:13:32,983 --> 00:13:35,694 and I saw everything and I can't erase it from my memory. 364 00:13:35,778 --> 00:13:37,380 Please, Jess, stop talking about the Captain. 365 00:13:37,404 --> 00:13:39,698 Why don't we just go back to being roommates. Okay? 366 00:13:39,782 --> 00:13:41,200 Nick, what do you say? 367 00:13:41,283 --> 00:13:43,535 The floor is yours. You want to tell us how you feel? 368 00:13:43,619 --> 00:13:45,829 - Me? - Yeah. 369 00:13:45,913 --> 00:13:47,998 Well… I think it's… 370 00:13:48,081 --> 00:13:49,917 I just… 371 00:13:53,378 --> 00:13:55,047 Beautifully said. Thank you, Nick. 372 00:13:55,130 --> 00:13:56,298 Enjoy the breakup. 373 00:13:56,381 --> 00:13:57,567 If you need me, I'll be in my room 374 00:13:57,591 --> 00:13:59,510 listening to some mainstream hip-hop. 375 00:13:59,593 --> 00:14:01,512 Stop! 376 00:14:08,185 --> 00:14:09,603 I have feelings. 377 00:14:15,609 --> 00:14:17,653 I didn't like when you did the Captain. 378 00:14:17,736 --> 00:14:19,738 It made me feel… 379 00:14:21,156 --> 00:14:22,574 Bad. 380 00:14:22,658 --> 00:14:25,702 Okay, I've… I've never seen this sober before. 381 00:14:25,786 --> 00:14:28,997 Stop, it's my turn. You talk too much and it frustrates me. 382 00:14:29,081 --> 00:14:31,667 Sometimes you talk even after you've fallen asleep. 383 00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:34,044 How do you breathe? Where do you get the words? 384 00:14:34,128 --> 00:14:36,964 But it doesn't matter, Jess, because I like you a lot. 385 00:14:37,047 --> 00:14:39,466 But maybe do that less, okay? 386 00:14:39,550 --> 00:14:42,094 Nick, I just feel… Sorry. 387 00:14:42,177 --> 00:14:44,763 I'm so sorry. Just… keep going. 388 00:14:44,847 --> 00:14:46,723 I don't know. Um… 389 00:14:46,807 --> 00:14:50,102 I really like the instrument of the cello. 390 00:14:50,185 --> 00:14:52,646 I like the cello a lot, and I don't talk about it a lot 391 00:14:52,729 --> 00:14:55,274 but I should because I feel very passionate about it. 392 00:14:55,357 --> 00:14:57,067 It's a beautiful instrument. 393 00:14:57,151 --> 00:14:58,944 It's like a guitar but it stands up. 394 00:14:59,820 --> 00:15:03,365 I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, 395 00:15:03,449 --> 00:15:05,117 and I cried hysterically. 396 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,327 And then I bought one of those stretched out pennies 397 00:15:07,411 --> 00:15:08,704 that you can get to remember it 398 00:15:08,787 --> 00:15:09,889 and then I lost that and I cried again. 399 00:15:09,913 --> 00:15:11,331 Sometimes when I smell dust 400 00:15:11,415 --> 00:15:14,084 in like an attic or something, like that mothy, dusty, 401 00:15:14,168 --> 00:15:15,419 I think about my mother. 402 00:15:15,502 --> 00:15:17,629 When I was 14, I saw my mother change, 403 00:15:17,713 --> 00:15:20,174 and I saw her whole body naked without underpants on. 404 00:15:20,257 --> 00:15:22,092 I really like when a rap song uses a choir. 405 00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:24,195 It makes me feel really happy when all those ladies' voices 406 00:15:24,219 --> 00:15:25,763 come in and then the guy's rapping. 407 00:15:25,846 --> 00:15:26,847 I think it's awesome. 408 00:15:26,930 --> 00:15:28,182 I'm really proud of you, Nick. 409 00:15:28,265 --> 00:15:30,017 - I really like you. - I like you, too. 410 00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:33,187 And it's been a month and I'm not scared. 411 00:15:33,270 --> 00:15:35,022 Unless you're doing the Captain, 412 00:15:35,105 --> 00:15:38,567 and then I experience very real fear and it's very visceral… 413 00:15:38,650 --> 00:15:40,110 Just kiss me. 414 00:15:40,194 --> 00:15:42,029 No kissing in the living room! 415 00:15:45,491 --> 00:15:47,367 No. No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! 416 00:15:47,451 --> 00:15:49,411 Cease lovemaking! 417 00:15:49,495 --> 00:15:51,205 All lovemaking must cease. 418 00:15:51,288 --> 00:15:53,332 - Get out of here, Schmidt! - Break up! 419 00:15:53,415 --> 00:15:55,250 Just break up already, pl… Oh, forget it. 420 00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:57,054 I'm just… I'm, I'm… No, no! Hey, no, no. 421 00:15:57,127 --> 00:15:58,545 What are you doing? 422 00:15:58,629 --> 00:16:00,065 Oh, my God, he just hit my sack. Body block! 423 00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:02,007 I'm pure core. I've been training for this. 424 00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:03,342 Yeah, human dental dam. 425 00:16:05,761 --> 00:16:07,346 So… 426 00:16:07,429 --> 00:16:08,472 What do you do for fun? 427 00:16:08,555 --> 00:16:10,474 Huh? Oh, um… 428 00:16:10,557 --> 00:16:12,059 You know, like all good things. 429 00:16:12,142 --> 00:16:13,435 Like what? Tell me one thing. 430 00:16:14,728 --> 00:16:16,021 I'm sorry, do you hear noise? 431 00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,207 - Oh… - Do you hear shouting? 432 00:16:17,231 --> 00:16:18,482 - 'Cause I'm just… - Yeah. 433 00:16:18,565 --> 00:16:19,858 No. No, no, no, no, no. 434 00:16:21,485 --> 00:16:23,445 Who the hell mess up the mood? 435 00:16:25,072 --> 00:16:26,990 - Schmidt, Schmidt. - Hey. 436 00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:28,242 Put down my condoms. 437 00:16:28,325 --> 00:16:29,993 Pull it together, Schmidt. 438 00:16:30,077 --> 00:16:31,829 It's raining celibacy. Hallelujah. 439 00:16:31,912 --> 00:16:33,473 - You're losing it, man. - If I'm not having sex in this loft, 440 00:16:33,497 --> 00:16:35,207 nobody's having sex in this loft. 441 00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:37,376 Hyah! 442 00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,878 Oh, hey, hey. 443 00:16:39,962 --> 00:16:41,046 Hey, hey. 444 00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:42,256 Oh, my birth control pills. 445 00:16:42,339 --> 00:16:43,650 You don't want to do this, my man. 446 00:16:43,674 --> 00:16:45,050 Yes, I do want to do this. 447 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,719 It's the only way to get this place back to the way that it was. 448 00:16:47,803 --> 00:16:49,155 Put them down. Give them to me. Give them to Jess. 449 00:16:49,179 --> 00:16:51,140 Come on, buddy, it's not worth it. 450 00:16:51,223 --> 00:16:52,474 No fear! 451 00:16:52,558 --> 00:16:54,268 - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. - Oh, my God. 452 00:16:54,351 --> 00:16:55,870 Why didn't you just throw them in the sink, you idiot. 453 00:16:55,894 --> 00:16:58,188 You better pray that was a placebo week. 454 00:16:58,272 --> 00:17:00,190 Is he eating birth control pills? 455 00:17:00,274 --> 00:17:02,901 Friday! Full wheel, bitches! 456 00:17:02,985 --> 00:17:05,487 I win. I don't feel good. 457 00:17:05,571 --> 00:17:08,615 Guys, come on, our cats were just about to have sex. 458 00:17:09,366 --> 00:17:11,118 Oh, my God. 459 00:17:11,201 --> 00:17:14,079 Oh, my God, this whole time I thought… 460 00:17:15,122 --> 00:17:17,916 What? 461 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,209 Fatty, come on. 462 00:17:19,293 --> 00:17:21,754 We're out of here. 463 00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,300 So, what do you guys think, loft meeting in 20? 464 00:17:26,383 --> 00:17:27,634 Yeah, I'll be there in 15. 465 00:17:27,718 --> 00:17:29,261 Got to stick my head in a paper bag 466 00:17:29,344 --> 00:17:31,305 and scream at the top of my lungs. 467 00:17:32,514 --> 00:17:34,600 Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks. 468 00:17:38,228 --> 00:17:39,772 Schmidt, I just looked it up. 469 00:17:39,855 --> 00:17:41,815 There's no way estrogen works that fast. 470 00:17:41,899 --> 00:17:43,918 - You don't know my body. - Please, stop talking about your body. 471 00:17:43,942 --> 00:17:45,277 Okay, that's a good segue 472 00:17:45,611 --> 00:17:47,738 to some of the more relevant topics 473 00:17:47,821 --> 00:17:50,073 that I would like to cover in this meeting. 474 00:17:50,157 --> 00:17:51,742 Like, uh, personal space. 475 00:17:51,825 --> 00:17:53,452 Public space. 476 00:17:53,535 --> 00:17:55,162 Other people's medicines… 477 00:17:55,245 --> 00:17:57,331 Taking them versus not taking them. 478 00:17:57,414 --> 00:17:59,082 I am so aware of my nipples right now. 479 00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:00,206 Okay, that's a good start. 480 00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:01,561 If someone were to blow on my nipples, 481 00:18:01,585 --> 00:18:03,378 I would positively scream. 482 00:18:03,462 --> 00:18:04,463 Boundaries. 483 00:18:04,546 --> 00:18:05,714 Any takers? 484 00:18:05,798 --> 00:18:06,882 All right, we live here. 485 00:18:06,965 --> 00:18:08,300 Where are we supposed to go? 486 00:18:08,383 --> 00:18:09,468 This is my fault. 487 00:18:09,551 --> 00:18:11,595 'Cause I'm going through a sexual awakening. 488 00:18:11,678 --> 00:18:13,472 It's like I'm tapping into 489 00:18:13,555 --> 00:18:16,183 this raw sexual energy 490 00:18:16,266 --> 00:18:18,060 that the universe is putting forth. 491 00:18:18,143 --> 00:18:21,021 And it's just both imploding and exploding at the same time. 492 00:18:21,105 --> 00:18:22,189 And it's kind of like 493 00:18:22,272 --> 00:18:23,982 I'm a young nun. 494 00:18:24,066 --> 00:18:26,819 And Nick is my sexy monseigneur. 495 00:18:26,902 --> 00:18:28,320 And I'm a… 496 00:18:29,822 --> 00:18:31,198 I'm just going to shut up. 497 00:18:31,281 --> 00:18:32,699 Both of you need to shut up, okay? 498 00:18:32,783 --> 00:18:34,094 You're having sex, not inventing it. 499 00:18:34,118 --> 00:18:35,577 - It can't be that good. - It's good. 500 00:18:35,661 --> 00:18:37,371 - Stop saying, - "Squeeze my biscuits." 501 00:18:37,454 --> 00:18:38,497 I'm serious, Nick. 502 00:18:38,580 --> 00:18:39,998 - Sorry. - And, Schmidt, 503 00:18:40,165 --> 00:18:41,805 stop taking it out on everybody else, man. 504 00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:42,960 Deal with your breakups. 505 00:18:43,043 --> 00:18:45,003 Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel 506 00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:48,090 going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft. 507 00:18:54,471 --> 00:18:56,515 You did a bad thing. 508 00:18:57,474 --> 00:18:59,643 Deal with it. 509 00:19:20,247 --> 00:19:21,373 What's that? 510 00:19:21,457 --> 00:19:24,835 Oh, it's just what I needed. 511 00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:29,548 This gum is crap. 512 00:19:36,054 --> 00:19:37,222 You ready? 513 00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:38,474 What is it? 514 00:19:38,557 --> 00:19:40,225 Just keep your eyes closed. 515 00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,770 - All right, stand right there, okay? - Okay. 516 00:19:44,396 --> 00:19:46,315 Turn around. 517 00:19:48,734 --> 00:19:50,402 - I love it. - Yeah. 518 00:19:50,486 --> 00:19:53,906 I don't… I don't know what it is. 519 00:19:53,989 --> 00:19:56,408 All right, then yell something. 520 00:19:56,492 --> 00:19:57,618 I soundproofed it. 521 00:19:57,701 --> 00:19:59,077 What's wrong? I just heard yelling. 522 00:19:59,453 --> 00:20:00,788 Get out of here, man. 523 00:20:02,498 --> 00:20:05,209 He must… he must've literally been right by the door. 524 00:20:05,292 --> 00:20:08,212 It is soundproofed… that's what the egg crates are for, so… 525 00:20:08,295 --> 00:20:10,422 Nick, I just want to say something. Um… 526 00:20:10,506 --> 00:20:15,010 This last month… has been the best month of my life. 527 00:20:17,554 --> 00:20:19,306 Me, too. 528 00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:22,059 I've never, you know, felt this way 529 00:20:22,142 --> 00:20:24,353 or had this with anybody. 530 00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:28,148 It's like there's been this fog around my life, 531 00:20:28,232 --> 00:20:30,317 and with you, all of a sudden it's gone. 532 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,277 I love that you can express your feelings now. 533 00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:35,280 Yeah, it's a weird feeling. It's kind of like gross but also good. 534 00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,491 You know? It's like an egg broke. 535 00:20:37,866 --> 00:20:39,993 And then, like, all the yolk comes out 536 00:20:40,077 --> 00:20:41,370 but it's good. 537 00:20:41,453 --> 00:20:44,665 I'm happy to admit I like love songs. 538 00:20:45,415 --> 00:20:48,127 I understand them. They're really sad. 539 00:20:48,210 --> 00:20:51,338 They're mostly about either the girl or the guy got away. 540 00:20:51,422 --> 00:20:53,298 They're heartbreaking numbers. 541 00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:55,384 The air… do you feel it? 542 00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:58,137 I guess this is the air you breathe, but it's nice. 543 00:20:58,220 --> 00:20:59,847 I feel like I'm on this whole new planet. 544 00:20:59,972 --> 00:21:02,516 How about your two 545 00:21:02,599 --> 00:21:04,685 favorite planets? 546 00:21:04,768 --> 00:21:06,311 Oh, yeah, those are great. 547 00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:08,313 But I also feel like being with you, 548 00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:10,732 I've finally, for the first time, 549 00:21:10,816 --> 00:21:13,318 and I know this sounds crazy, but I can see the stars. 550 00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:15,213 You know, the other great thing about talking about our feelings 551 00:21:15,237 --> 00:21:18,115 is we don't need to do it all the time. 552 00:21:18,198 --> 00:21:19,398 Thank you for expressing that. 553 00:21:19,450 --> 00:21:21,326 - I feel like I can see you. - Uh-huh. 554 00:21:21,410 --> 00:21:23,537 In 3-D vision. 555 00:21:23,620 --> 00:21:25,831 - Everyone see in 3-D. - Hmm. 556 00:21:25,914 --> 00:21:27,958 So, would you like to take my bra off, or should I? 557 00:21:28,375 --> 00:21:30,085 See, I feel excited to take your bra off. 558 00:21:30,169 --> 00:21:32,171 - So, do it. - I love your breasts. 559 00:21:32,254 --> 00:21:34,339 Just mixing it up with those two things. 560 00:21:34,423 --> 00:21:35,984 - I'm not even nervous to do it. - So do it. 561 00:21:36,008 --> 00:21:38,260 - I feel excited to… - Okay, right now. Let's do this.