1 00:00:03,717 --> 00:00:05,510 Hey, what took you so long? Come on in. 2 00:00:05,594 --> 00:00:07,488 Hey. No, no. Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:07,512 --> 00:00:09,112 Because I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:09,181 --> 00:00:11,016 - I know, right? - It's creepy, right? 5 00:00:11,099 --> 00:00:14,394 - Yeah, it is. - This place gives me the willies, man. 6 00:00:14,478 --> 00:00:15,955 Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here? 7 00:00:15,979 --> 00:00:18,815 - Why? - Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. 8 00:00:18,899 --> 00:00:21,193 And to come here on Halloween? 9 00:00:21,276 --> 00:00:22,277 Seems risky. 10 00:00:22,361 --> 00:00:24,237 - What's risky? - The ghost situation. 11 00:00:24,321 --> 00:00:26,615 I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. 12 00:00:26,698 --> 00:00:27,949 I'm really worried about him. 13 00:00:28,033 --> 00:00:29,826 He hasn't been to work for three days. 14 00:00:29,910 --> 00:00:31,828 He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts 15 00:00:31,912 --> 00:00:34,289 and yelling at the news about how nothing matters. 16 00:00:34,373 --> 00:00:36,750 - It's a problem. Be honest. - Right. 17 00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:38,269 He's just going through a whole thing, you know? 18 00:00:38,293 --> 00:00:40,629 The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 19 00:00:40,712 --> 00:00:44,341 Right now he is completely unhinged. 20 00:00:44,424 --> 00:00:45,425 Y'all feel that? 21 00:00:45,509 --> 00:00:46,510 What is going on? 22 00:00:46,593 --> 00:00:47,779 Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze 23 00:00:47,803 --> 00:00:49,739 - go through my body, that's all. - There's no ghost. 24 00:00:49,763 --> 00:00:52,224 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but… 25 00:00:52,307 --> 00:00:53,892 I miss the old Schmidt. 26 00:00:53,976 --> 00:00:55,727 I want him to be happy again. 27 00:00:55,811 --> 00:00:58,522 He's crumbling before our very eyes. 28 00:00:58,605 --> 00:01:00,440 And I'm having a party tonight, 29 00:01:00,524 --> 00:01:02,859 and I just can't have him lying on the couch, 30 00:01:02,943 --> 00:01:04,945 wiping his tears with deli meat. 31 00:01:05,028 --> 00:01:07,030 I'll talk to him, okay? 32 00:01:07,114 --> 00:01:09,449 - Thank you. - People get weird with breakups. 33 00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:11,368 Trust me, I got this. 34 00:01:11,451 --> 00:01:13,870 - You got this. - That was Winston. 35 00:01:13,954 --> 00:01:15,807 Was that you or was that in here, dude? That was… 36 00:01:15,831 --> 00:01:17,040 Don't do that! 37 00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:22,045 Oh, come on, Obama. 38 00:01:22,129 --> 00:01:24,673 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 39 00:01:24,756 --> 00:01:26,341 Babies are born, 40 00:01:26,425 --> 00:01:27,926 old people die. 41 00:01:28,010 --> 00:01:31,555 And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, 42 00:01:31,638 --> 00:01:33,307 and one day, it stops. 43 00:01:33,390 --> 00:01:34,683 And then what? 44 00:01:34,766 --> 00:01:38,353 You want… You want to talk about… Health care? 45 00:01:40,522 --> 00:01:41,523 That's mayo, buddy. 46 00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:46,320 Yeah, I don't got this. 47 00:01:49,323 --> 00:01:50,866 Who's that girl? 48 00:01:50,949 --> 00:01:52,993 - Who's that girl? - It's Jess! 49 00:01:59,374 --> 00:02:00,417 Pumpkining. 50 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:01,561 You're really good at that. 51 00:02:01,585 --> 00:02:04,171 - Thanks, man. - Yeah. What are you carving there? 52 00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:06,590 - It's a pumpkin. - Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. 53 00:02:06,673 --> 00:02:07,674 My pumpkin! 54 00:02:07,758 --> 00:02:08,884 Pumpkin doesn't matter. 55 00:02:08,967 --> 00:02:10,761 - Hey. I just wanted… - Hey. 56 00:02:10,844 --> 00:02:11,887 To talk to you, um, 57 00:02:11,970 --> 00:02:13,972 about my party tonight. 58 00:02:14,056 --> 00:02:15,974 You don't want me to come to the party? 59 00:02:16,058 --> 00:02:18,101 No, no, no, no, no, no. 60 00:02:18,185 --> 00:02:19,329 Jess, do you not want me to come to your party? 61 00:02:19,353 --> 00:02:21,104 No. I… No. 62 00:02:21,188 --> 00:02:22,939 - Doesn't matter. - I wouldn't go 63 00:02:23,023 --> 00:02:25,150 - if I weren't throwing it, you know? - Mmm-hmm. 64 00:02:25,233 --> 00:02:27,235 It's, like, more of a business-networking… 65 00:02:27,319 --> 00:02:28,796 It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. 66 00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:30,280 I'll stay at home, and… 67 00:02:30,364 --> 00:02:32,157 I'll just hang out in my costume. 68 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,451 Oh, wait a minute. 69 00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:36,953 Your home is my home. 70 00:02:41,041 --> 00:02:42,584 See you at the party. 71 00:02:42,668 --> 00:02:44,878 - What the hell? - He's a total maniac. 72 00:02:44,961 --> 00:02:46,505 Well, you know what, Jess? 73 00:02:46,588 --> 00:02:48,173 He doesn't get like this often. 74 00:02:48,256 --> 00:02:50,258 But when he does, 75 00:02:50,342 --> 00:02:52,302 oh, there is an option. 76 00:02:52,386 --> 00:02:53,595 Nick, 77 00:02:53,679 --> 00:02:56,239 I think it's time for Schmidt to get a letter from an old friend. 78 00:02:56,264 --> 00:02:57,867 - No, no, no, no, no, no. - What old friend? 79 00:02:57,891 --> 00:02:59,869 - Forget you heard anything. Nothing, J… - What old friend? 80 00:02:59,893 --> 00:03:01,829 - We need him. We gotta bring him back. - No, we don't. 81 00:03:01,853 --> 00:03:03,605 - Bring who back? - Winston, don't do this! 82 00:03:03,689 --> 00:03:06,066 Guys, does nobody listen to me? Who is he? 83 00:03:06,650 --> 00:03:08,026 Michael Keaton. 84 00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:09,319 You stupid… 85 00:03:09,403 --> 00:03:10,988 Michael Keaton, the actor? 86 00:03:11,071 --> 00:03:12,197 The Batman? 87 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,241 Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I? 88 00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:16,785 - I'm not telling her. - Fine. I'll do it. 89 00:03:16,868 --> 00:03:19,454 - You will? - When Schmidt was seven years old… 90 00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,039 You're a terrible storyteller. 91 00:03:21,123 --> 00:03:23,166 I'll just do it myself, I guess. 92 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:27,504 When Schmidt was seven years old, 93 00:03:27,587 --> 00:03:29,840 his daddy divorced his mommy 94 00:03:29,923 --> 00:03:33,635 and Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 95 00:03:33,719 --> 00:03:35,721 He didn't take it well. 96 00:03:35,804 --> 00:03:38,932 He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 97 00:03:39,016 --> 00:03:41,226 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, 98 00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:43,020 but nothing worked. 99 00:03:43,103 --> 00:03:45,731 Desperate, she looked to the stars. 100 00:03:45,814 --> 00:03:47,149 Movie stars. 101 00:03:47,232 --> 00:03:49,860 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser 102 00:03:49,943 --> 00:03:51,903 a letter of support from the star 103 00:03:51,987 --> 00:03:53,089 of his favorite movie, Batman. 104 00:03:53,113 --> 00:03:55,032 But not the confusing new one. 105 00:03:55,115 --> 00:03:57,826 The good one, with Michael Keaton. 106 00:03:58,618 --> 00:04:00,120 And when Schmidt got 107 00:04:00,203 --> 00:04:02,581 his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, 108 00:04:02,664 --> 00:04:04,166 his life changed forever. 109 00:04:04,249 --> 00:04:05,584 Yes! 110 00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,377 But the real trouble was just beginning. 111 00:04:07,461 --> 00:04:10,714 You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back 112 00:04:10,797 --> 00:04:13,925 about any problem he faced, bullies, schoolwork, 113 00:04:14,009 --> 00:04:16,261 public erections. 114 00:04:17,012 --> 00:04:20,390 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 115 00:04:20,474 --> 00:04:22,142 Was Winston's version shorter? 116 00:04:22,684 --> 00:04:25,854 Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 117 00:04:25,937 --> 00:04:29,524 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, 118 00:04:29,608 --> 00:04:31,777 a man named me. It was me. 119 00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:33,671 Yeah, I got that. Really? People don't… 120 00:04:33,695 --> 00:04:35,364 No, I got it. 121 00:04:35,447 --> 00:04:36,767 College proved tough for Schmidt, 122 00:04:36,823 --> 00:04:38,450 and old patterns soon returned. 123 00:04:40,285 --> 00:04:44,289 It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. 124 00:04:44,373 --> 00:04:45,582 And again… 125 00:04:45,666 --> 00:04:47,167 - New message. - It worked. 126 00:04:47,250 --> 00:04:49,461 With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away 127 00:04:49,544 --> 00:04:50,754 from that bag of turkey 128 00:04:50,837 --> 00:04:52,756 - and became a man. - One… 129 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:54,633 He lost five pounds, 130 00:04:54,716 --> 00:04:56,426 gained confidence with women 131 00:04:57,761 --> 00:05:00,597 and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity 132 00:05:00,681 --> 00:05:02,808 - 25 times. - Oh, my God. 133 00:05:02,891 --> 00:05:04,476 You've been catfishing Schmidt. 134 00:05:04,559 --> 00:05:06,621 Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing 135 00:05:06,645 --> 00:05:08,647 - to turn Schmidt around? - Absolutely. 136 00:05:08,730 --> 00:05:09,832 - Great! - But I won't do it. 137 00:05:09,856 --> 00:05:10,857 Why not? 138 00:05:10,941 --> 00:05:12,567 Because I put it to bed, okay? 139 00:05:12,651 --> 00:05:13,652 It's over. 140 00:05:13,735 --> 00:05:15,195 He'll do anything Keaton says. 141 00:05:15,278 --> 00:05:16,989 The letters are too powerful. 142 00:05:17,072 --> 00:05:18,824 I'm lying to my best friend. 143 00:05:18,907 --> 00:05:20,176 And I also feel like I'm betraying 144 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,244 the real Keaton, who I really love. 145 00:05:22,327 --> 00:05:24,496 Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick? 146 00:05:24,579 --> 00:05:26,832 Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. 147 00:05:26,915 --> 00:05:29,126 But I won't do it. Sorry. 148 00:05:29,209 --> 00:05:30,969 You think you tell that story better than me? 149 00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:32,803 Look, you leave out way too many details, man. 150 00:05:32,879 --> 00:05:35,132 You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. 151 00:05:35,215 --> 00:05:37,718 You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar. 152 00:05:37,801 --> 00:05:39,803 That's not the kind of writer I am. 153 00:05:39,886 --> 00:05:41,155 I don't say words like "nougat-y." 154 00:05:41,179 --> 00:05:43,473 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 155 00:05:54,735 --> 00:05:57,696 - Hey, Cece. - Oh, hey. 156 00:05:57,779 --> 00:05:59,948 I came to find out if you're coming to my party today. 157 00:06:00,032 --> 00:06:01,533 You never answered my e-mail. 158 00:06:01,616 --> 00:06:03,744 Yeah, I meant to, uh, to tell you I can't make it. 159 00:06:03,827 --> 00:06:05,329 Sorry. Um… 160 00:06:05,412 --> 00:06:07,664 I've been going out drinking a lot lately. 161 00:06:07,748 --> 00:06:09,458 It's kind of wiping me out. 162 00:06:11,626 --> 00:06:13,420 Please come to my party, Cece. 163 00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:14,880 It's Schmidt, you know? 164 00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:17,090 - I don't think I'm ready for that, so… - Yeah. 165 00:06:17,174 --> 00:06:20,594 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 166 00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:28,560 Who wants candy? 167 00:06:28,644 --> 00:06:30,187 - Did you go trick-or-treating? - No. 168 00:06:30,270 --> 00:06:31,855 I was out, I had my errand tote, 169 00:06:31,938 --> 00:06:33,649 and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 170 00:06:33,732 --> 00:06:35,317 Is that trick-or-treating? 171 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,378 Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess. 172 00:06:37,402 --> 00:06:40,072 Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, 173 00:06:40,155 --> 00:06:42,199 and I won't be coming to your party tonight. 174 00:06:42,282 --> 00:06:45,661 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me 175 00:06:45,744 --> 00:06:47,579 realize that I should give Cece her space. 176 00:06:47,663 --> 00:06:48,664 An old friend, huh? 177 00:06:48,747 --> 00:06:50,457 Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like 178 00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:51,625 to throw his name around 179 00:06:51,708 --> 00:06:53,102 because I don't like people treating me 180 00:06:53,126 --> 00:06:54,878 any differently, but… It's Michael Keaton. 181 00:06:54,961 --> 00:06:57,673 What? 182 00:06:57,756 --> 00:07:00,008 Uh, okay. Calm down. 183 00:07:00,092 --> 00:07:02,094 The actor? 184 00:07:02,177 --> 00:07:04,888 Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. 185 00:07:04,972 --> 00:07:06,366 He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. 186 00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:07,700 There was one time he e-mailed me. 187 00:07:07,724 --> 00:07:09,017 He said he was my best friend. 188 00:07:09,101 --> 00:07:11,144 Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, 189 00:07:11,228 --> 00:07:12,705 me and Michael, so just enjoy the night. 190 00:07:12,729 --> 00:07:15,315 - That's crazy, Schmidt. - Ah, man. 191 00:07:16,441 --> 00:07:17,901 What did you do? 192 00:07:17,985 --> 00:07:19,277 Jessica damn Day. 193 00:07:19,361 --> 00:07:21,154 I just got Schmidt to not come to the party. 194 00:07:21,238 --> 00:07:23,573 Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. 195 00:07:23,657 --> 00:07:26,243 We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. 196 00:07:26,326 --> 00:07:27,720 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, 197 00:07:27,744 --> 00:07:30,122 it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. 198 00:07:30,205 --> 00:07:32,541 We are talking about a Truman Show situation. 199 00:07:32,624 --> 00:07:33,744 Oh, yeah, I love that movie. 200 00:07:33,792 --> 00:07:35,252 What part are you talking about? 201 00:07:35,335 --> 00:07:37,379 Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie 202 00:07:37,462 --> 00:07:40,173 when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, 203 00:07:40,257 --> 00:07:41,717 and then he goes crazy. 204 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,678 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie. 205 00:07:44,761 --> 00:07:46,179 No, it's the whole movie. 206 00:07:46,263 --> 00:07:47,907 Oh, yeah, I know, I was just… 'Cause there's the one… 207 00:07:47,931 --> 00:07:49,242 - There's like a scene. - You haven't seen it. 208 00:07:49,266 --> 00:07:51,268 He didn't see the movie. Okay, guys, 209 00:07:51,351 --> 00:07:52,978 he almost found out once. 210 00:07:53,061 --> 00:07:54,855 Now, luckily, I handled it. 211 00:07:54,938 --> 00:07:56,648 I don't understand. 212 00:07:56,732 --> 00:07:58,066 In 1995, he told me specifically 213 00:07:58,150 --> 00:08:00,861 that he had never been to Nicaragua. 214 00:08:00,944 --> 00:08:03,280 - It doesn't make any sense. - Ahhh! 215 00:08:03,363 --> 00:08:04,948 You have no idea what you've done. 216 00:08:05,032 --> 00:08:06,325 Hey, uh, 217 00:08:06,408 --> 00:08:07,760 you guys, do you think that it's too early 218 00:08:07,784 --> 00:08:08,952 to e-mail Michael back? 219 00:08:09,036 --> 00:08:10,537 Should I send him an e-card? 220 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:12,724 Does that change anything, or does that change everything? 221 00:08:12,748 --> 00:08:14,350 - I think you're overthinking it. - You know what? 222 00:08:14,374 --> 00:08:15,810 - You're right. You're right. - Be cool. 223 00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:18,003 - I think I'm way to up here, all upstairs. - Yeah. 224 00:08:18,086 --> 00:08:19,755 Got to bring it down. Here to here. 225 00:08:19,838 --> 00:08:22,090 Not any lower, though. It's not like that. 226 00:08:22,174 --> 00:08:24,551 - I know it's not. - Bro, it's not like that. 227 00:08:24,635 --> 00:08:26,178 - No one thinks it is, bro. - Cool. 228 00:08:26,261 --> 00:08:28,013 All right. 229 00:08:28,096 --> 00:08:29,723 He's already getting weird. 230 00:08:29,806 --> 00:08:30,807 - Here. - No, Je… 231 00:08:31,808 --> 00:08:34,311 You… Come to the master. 232 00:08:34,394 --> 00:08:36,313 What are you writing? 233 00:08:38,398 --> 00:08:40,233 I fixed it again. 234 00:08:40,317 --> 00:08:41,318 You're welcome again. 235 00:08:41,401 --> 00:08:43,236 So you just wrote from Keaton, 236 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,197 "I'm going on vacation"? 237 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,616 He would never write that, Jess. 238 00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:49,451 - Why not? - Vacation? 239 00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:52,412 Oh, Michael, you… Stop going away. 240 00:08:53,205 --> 00:08:54,873 I knew this would happen. 241 00:08:56,792 --> 00:08:57,959 Hey, Schmidt. 242 00:08:58,043 --> 00:08:59,127 Schmidty. 243 00:08:59,211 --> 00:09:01,046 He left me again. 244 00:09:01,129 --> 00:09:03,256 It makes sense. 245 00:09:03,340 --> 00:09:04,758 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton 246 00:09:04,841 --> 00:09:06,385 be friends with me anyway? 247 00:09:06,468 --> 00:09:08,762 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 248 00:09:08,845 --> 00:09:09,888 Why would he? 249 00:09:10,263 --> 00:09:11,598 I guess I'll just always be 250 00:09:11,682 --> 00:09:14,893 the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 251 00:09:23,902 --> 00:09:25,821 I didn't want to have to do this. 252 00:09:27,739 --> 00:09:29,992 Oh, is that really necessary, Nick? 253 00:09:30,075 --> 00:09:31,827 - Shh. - What? 254 00:09:31,910 --> 00:09:33,036 Let him work. 255 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,287 I'm kind of like his Robin. 256 00:09:34,371 --> 00:09:35,372 You're not like my Robin. 257 00:09:35,455 --> 00:09:36,581 You want to be Robin? 258 00:09:36,665 --> 00:09:37,892 He doesn't have all the responsibilities 259 00:09:37,916 --> 00:09:39,560 of Batman, but he can take some of the glory. 260 00:09:39,584 --> 00:09:41,044 - Robin's a joke. - Robin's the joke. 261 00:09:41,128 --> 00:09:42,671 I think we can all agree. 262 00:09:42,754 --> 00:09:44,524 The kids look up to him, you know, in the community. 263 00:09:44,548 --> 00:09:46,675 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, 264 00:09:46,758 --> 00:09:49,177 and I need my proper inspiration. 265 00:09:49,261 --> 00:09:50,512 Thank you. 266 00:09:51,221 --> 00:09:52,681 Why do you have a picture of a bear? 267 00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:56,268 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role 268 00:09:56,351 --> 00:09:59,021 with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 269 00:09:59,104 --> 00:10:01,940 It is his entire acting philosophy, 270 00:10:02,024 --> 00:10:04,026 which I totally made up. 271 00:10:04,109 --> 00:10:05,277 I sleep with this person. 272 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,154 Speak to me, Keaton. 273 00:10:08,822 --> 00:10:10,324 Mmm. 274 00:10:10,407 --> 00:10:11,742 Here we go. 275 00:10:16,413 --> 00:10:18,165 Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. 276 00:10:18,248 --> 00:10:22,336 "Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it"? 277 00:10:22,419 --> 00:10:24,504 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 278 00:10:24,588 --> 00:10:27,341 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 279 00:10:30,552 --> 00:10:31,803 Oh. All right. 280 00:10:33,639 --> 00:10:35,182 Is that him? Did it work? 281 00:10:36,058 --> 00:10:38,143 He wrote back smiley face. 282 00:10:38,226 --> 00:10:41,438 - He wrote back smiley face. - He wrote back smiley face. 283 00:10:45,484 --> 00:10:47,486 Trick or treat! 284 00:10:47,569 --> 00:10:48,820 Oh, how adorable. 285 00:10:48,904 --> 00:10:50,264 You know, I just got a treat, too. 286 00:10:50,322 --> 00:10:51,823 It's not candy. I'm not a… 287 00:10:51,907 --> 00:10:53,950 Not a dumb little baby like all of you. 288 00:10:54,034 --> 00:10:56,745 "Happy Hallow's Eve." 289 00:10:56,828 --> 00:10:58,830 And send. 290 00:11:00,248 --> 00:11:01,750 Just give us our candy. 291 00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:04,252 Hush, little boy. 292 00:11:10,050 --> 00:11:11,718 He wrote back. 293 00:11:12,469 --> 00:11:14,262 - "Hi." - Okay, I got this. 294 00:11:14,346 --> 00:11:16,390 "Speak to me, old chum. 295 00:11:16,473 --> 00:11:19,267 "I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. Oh. 296 00:11:19,351 --> 00:11:20,871 - "This seemed more important." - Boom. 297 00:11:20,936 --> 00:11:22,580 - That's so good. - Yeah, it's pretty good. 298 00:11:22,604 --> 00:11:24,189 You really have the Keaton voice down. 299 00:11:24,272 --> 00:11:26,274 "You're a friend for life." 300 00:11:26,358 --> 00:11:28,235 - That's good. - "M.K." 301 00:11:28,318 --> 00:11:29,545 - I think that's good. - I think that's 302 00:11:29,569 --> 00:11:31,279 - really good, actually. - Yeah. 303 00:11:34,074 --> 00:11:36,159 Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween. 304 00:11:36,243 --> 00:11:37,744 Drinks are over there. 305 00:11:37,828 --> 00:11:40,455 - Hey. - Hi. 306 00:11:41,164 --> 00:11:42,332 What are you supposed to be? 307 00:11:42,416 --> 00:11:44,292 I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 308 00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:45,585 I don't get it. 309 00:11:45,669 --> 00:11:50,132 Joey Ramone-a Quimby. 310 00:11:52,175 --> 00:11:53,510 What are you? You look like 311 00:11:53,593 --> 00:11:55,304 you're just wearing trash from your car. 312 00:11:55,387 --> 00:11:56,555 No, I'm not. 313 00:11:56,638 --> 00:11:58,932 I'm the Paper Mountain Trash King… 314 00:11:59,016 --> 00:12:00,684 I just got trash from my car. 315 00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:03,312 And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks 316 00:12:03,395 --> 00:12:06,565 in the nude, David Letterman! 317 00:12:06,648 --> 00:12:08,001 - That is a terrible Letterman. - Really? 318 00:12:08,025 --> 00:12:10,944 People at work tell me I look just like Dave. 319 00:12:11,028 --> 00:12:12,738 You look just like Letterman. 320 00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:15,532 You know, I have always thought that. 321 00:12:15,615 --> 00:12:17,909 What, uh, what… Uh, Nick, Nick Miller. 322 00:12:17,993 --> 00:12:19,077 So you a, uh… 323 00:12:19,745 --> 00:12:20,746 You're a… 324 00:12:22,873 --> 00:12:24,600 - What is that? - That's… That's his laugh. 325 00:12:24,624 --> 00:12:26,304 - He's never done that. - That's his laugh. 326 00:12:26,877 --> 00:12:29,129 Do you like my costume? 327 00:12:30,672 --> 00:12:33,133 I'm a public serpent. 328 00:12:33,216 --> 00:12:34,926 Um, I thought you weren't coming. 329 00:12:35,010 --> 00:12:36,261 Oh, I changed my mind. 330 00:12:36,345 --> 00:12:39,348 You know, I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. 331 00:12:39,431 --> 00:12:40,682 He can be quite cryptic. 332 00:12:40,766 --> 00:12:42,559 I think what he meant when he said that life 333 00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:46,229 was meaningful was really, "Go to the party." 334 00:12:46,313 --> 00:12:47,753 I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. 335 00:12:47,814 --> 00:12:49,983 I know Keaton best. Hey, Winston, 336 00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:52,361 by the way, great costume. 337 00:12:52,444 --> 00:12:53,612 Maya Angelou. 338 00:12:54,905 --> 00:12:56,073 Crap. What am I gonna do? 339 00:12:56,156 --> 00:12:57,491 Cece's on her way. 340 00:12:57,574 --> 00:12:59,826 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. 341 00:12:59,910 --> 00:13:01,346 Do you know what happens after rereading? 342 00:13:01,370 --> 00:13:03,622 Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 343 00:13:03,705 --> 00:13:05,582 Truman Show, man, I love that movie. 344 00:13:05,666 --> 00:13:06,893 I'm not convinced you've ever seen it. 345 00:13:06,917 --> 00:13:09,211 I have. It's about the Civil War. 346 00:13:09,294 --> 00:13:10,438 - Batcave? - Go, go, go, go, go, 347 00:13:10,462 --> 00:13:11,672 - go, go, go. - Go, go, go. 348 00:13:14,383 --> 00:13:15,842 Winston, go to Cece's and stall. 349 00:13:15,926 --> 00:13:17,678 Okay, fine, but I got to hit the little. 350 00:13:17,761 --> 00:13:20,013 King of the Late Night Talk Show's room first. 351 00:13:20,097 --> 00:13:22,599 Maybe slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 352 00:13:22,683 --> 00:13:24,243 - Hey, I got it, I got it. - You got it? Good. 353 00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,602 Um, "You're in grave danger." 354 00:13:25,686 --> 00:13:26,746 "Leave where you are immediately." 355 00:13:26,770 --> 00:13:28,063 - Send. - Okay. Don't! 356 00:13:28,146 --> 00:13:29,690 - You just sent that? - Yeah. 357 00:13:29,773 --> 00:13:31,668 A team has to talk about a decision before you hit send. 358 00:13:31,692 --> 00:13:33,610 Sorry. I thought it was a really good move. 359 00:13:33,694 --> 00:13:35,737 - Trick or treat. - Shh. 360 00:13:35,821 --> 00:13:37,698 All right, you got to fix this. 361 00:13:37,781 --> 00:13:40,450 I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. 362 00:13:40,534 --> 00:13:41,827 - Terrible! - Send. 363 00:13:41,910 --> 00:13:43,495 - No! - What? 364 00:13:43,578 --> 00:13:44,830 Now what are we gonna do? 365 00:13:44,913 --> 00:13:46,015 You told him Keaton was coming here? 366 00:13:46,039 --> 00:13:47,749 - No, Nick. - Are you out of your mind? 367 00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:49,167 It's a stall! It's a stall 368 00:13:49,251 --> 00:13:51,837 until we can come up with a better plan. 369 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,047 - Well, who the hell is that? - I don't know. 370 00:13:54,131 --> 00:13:56,341 Trick or treat! 371 00:13:57,634 --> 00:13:59,094 You. 372 00:14:00,929 --> 00:14:02,848 I don't get what you're doing! 373 00:14:02,931 --> 00:14:04,766 Are you drunk? 374 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,144 A little. 375 00:14:07,227 --> 00:14:08,478 What's your endgame here? 376 00:14:08,562 --> 00:14:09,688 It's Halloween night. 377 00:14:09,771 --> 00:14:11,440 This is the night when anyone 378 00:14:11,523 --> 00:14:12,816 can dress up in a costume 379 00:14:12,899 --> 00:14:14,776 and be anybody that they want. 380 00:14:14,860 --> 00:14:18,447 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 381 00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:19,924 Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him 382 00:14:19,948 --> 00:14:21,342 in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? 383 00:14:21,366 --> 00:14:22,743 No, I have a character. 384 00:14:22,826 --> 00:14:25,245 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 385 00:14:26,621 --> 00:14:27,831 I'm the Batman. 386 00:14:27,914 --> 00:14:30,042 - Oh. - Right? 387 00:14:30,125 --> 00:14:31,126 So good. 388 00:14:31,209 --> 00:14:33,253 What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn? 389 00:14:34,755 --> 00:14:36,757 Jess, you're also 5'4". 390 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,760 Keep going further away. The further you're away, 391 00:14:38,842 --> 00:14:40,886 the bigger you look. I would say run a little bit. 392 00:14:40,969 --> 00:14:43,347 - Nick! - Jess, go! Go… 393 00:14:43,430 --> 00:14:45,265 - Hey. Uh, Nick. - Hey. 394 00:14:45,349 --> 00:14:48,143 By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 395 00:14:48,226 --> 00:14:51,480 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um… 396 00:14:51,563 --> 00:14:54,232 - Look that way. - What? 397 00:14:57,861 --> 00:15:00,572 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's unbelievable. 398 00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:04,701 - Well, it's my hero. - Yeah. 399 00:15:04,785 --> 00:15:06,328 That is Michael Keaton. 400 00:15:06,411 --> 00:15:07,954 Right there. 401 00:15:08,038 --> 00:15:09,831 Why is he wearing 402 00:15:09,915 --> 00:15:11,958 his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago? 403 00:15:12,042 --> 00:15:14,294 If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, 404 00:15:14,378 --> 00:15:15,458 you wouldn't recognize him. 405 00:15:15,504 --> 00:15:16,713 I'm the Batman. 406 00:15:16,797 --> 00:15:18,215 It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 407 00:15:18,298 --> 00:15:20,026 Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here. 408 00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:21,319 I have to meet him, Nick. I have to. 409 00:15:21,343 --> 00:15:22,946 No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no… 410 00:15:22,970 --> 00:15:24,948 You're a great kid, Sch… You're a great kid, Schmidt. 411 00:15:24,972 --> 00:15:27,140 Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 412 00:15:27,224 --> 00:15:29,243 - 'cause you met your hero. - Go to an all-night diner. 413 00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:31,645 - No, I have to meet… Got to meet him. - He's got to… 414 00:15:31,728 --> 00:15:33,289 - It's Michael Keaton! - Go get a blintz or two! 415 00:15:33,313 --> 00:15:34,606 Argh! 416 00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:35,941 Michael! It's me, Schmidt. 417 00:15:36,024 --> 00:15:37,943 See you later, Michael! Take off! 418 00:15:38,026 --> 00:15:39,403 We have so much to talk about. 419 00:15:39,486 --> 00:15:41,172 Our heroes are never who we want them to be! 420 00:15:41,196 --> 00:15:42,614 Oh. 421 00:15:43,740 --> 00:15:46,201 Oh. You met him. 422 00:15:46,284 --> 00:15:47,661 It's Keaton. 423 00:15:47,744 --> 00:15:49,246 Come on, you guys. I know. 424 00:15:50,622 --> 00:15:52,958 I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid? 425 00:15:53,041 --> 00:15:54,334 No. It just… I… 426 00:15:54,418 --> 00:15:56,396 Just don't really know what to say in this situation. 427 00:15:56,420 --> 00:15:58,672 Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. 428 00:15:58,755 --> 00:16:01,049 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 429 00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:03,760 How dare you hack into the private e-mail account 430 00:16:03,844 --> 00:16:06,888 of one of our nation's finest actors! 431 00:16:08,015 --> 00:16:10,475 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 432 00:16:10,559 --> 00:16:12,519 No! No! 433 00:16:12,602 --> 00:16:14,604 No, don't tell Michael! 434 00:16:14,688 --> 00:16:16,231 Jess, please stop. 435 00:16:16,690 --> 00:16:19,443 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 436 00:16:19,526 --> 00:16:21,236 It has to be over. 437 00:16:22,654 --> 00:16:26,491 - Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. - Huh? 438 00:16:27,868 --> 00:16:29,661 I'm the owner of the e-mail address. 439 00:16:29,745 --> 00:16:32,164 KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 440 00:16:32,748 --> 00:16:34,041 What? 441 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:39,421 - It was me the whole time. - No. 442 00:16:39,755 --> 00:16:41,673 - No, you can't… - How do you think 443 00:16:41,757 --> 00:16:44,051 I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 444 00:16:44,134 --> 00:16:47,012 Or that you want to open up 445 00:16:47,095 --> 00:16:48,639 a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 446 00:16:48,722 --> 00:16:51,808 - Or about the wall hole? - This is impossible! I've been… 447 00:16:51,892 --> 00:16:54,078 I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid! 448 00:16:54,102 --> 00:16:56,271 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 449 00:16:56,355 --> 00:16:59,274 But since college, it's been me. 450 00:16:59,358 --> 00:17:01,401 My mom? You're gonna tell me 451 00:17:01,485 --> 00:17:03,820 that my mom helped me with my public erections? 452 00:17:03,904 --> 00:17:05,072 I drew pictures! 453 00:17:05,155 --> 00:17:07,991 He didn't want you to find out this way. 454 00:17:11,036 --> 00:17:13,288 Hey. 455 00:17:15,666 --> 00:17:17,751 - I got to go. - Wait. Schmidt! 456 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,420 Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh… 457 00:17:20,504 --> 00:17:21,505 A bully! Get him! 458 00:17:21,588 --> 00:17:23,006 Oh! Oh! 459 00:17:23,090 --> 00:17:24,484 Come on. Hey, kids, get out of here! 460 00:17:24,508 --> 00:17:27,719 - Scat! Scat! - Back off! 461 00:17:31,181 --> 00:17:33,308 Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know 462 00:17:33,392 --> 00:17:35,936 he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 463 00:17:36,019 --> 00:17:37,938 No, Jess. It's… It's fine. Okay, it's fine. 464 00:17:38,021 --> 00:17:41,900 In fact. It's actually kind of perfect. 465 00:17:41,984 --> 00:17:44,569 I think, since this whole thing went down, 466 00:17:44,653 --> 00:17:46,446 I've just been running away. 467 00:17:46,530 --> 00:17:50,867 You know, I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I… 468 00:17:50,951 --> 00:17:54,162 I finally feel like I have some closure. 469 00:17:54,246 --> 00:17:56,081 Well, good. I'm glad. 470 00:17:56,164 --> 00:17:58,250 You deserve some. 471 00:18:00,335 --> 00:18:03,255 So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, go to a taco stand… 472 00:18:03,338 --> 00:18:05,924 - Mmm. - And eat some feelings, okay? 473 00:18:06,008 --> 00:18:08,385 Okay, I just… I think it's Batmobile. 474 00:18:08,468 --> 00:18:09,678 Batman Mobile. 475 00:18:09,761 --> 00:18:11,471 No. Batmobile. 476 00:18:11,555 --> 00:18:13,932 That's what I said… Batman Mobile. 477 00:18:14,016 --> 00:18:16,035 You're putting the man… There's no man. It's just Bat… 478 00:18:16,059 --> 00:18:17,936 - Batman Mobile. Batman Mobile. - Mobile. 479 00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:20,105 - Batmobile. Drop the man. - Bat… Yeah. 480 00:18:20,188 --> 00:18:21,690 Batman Mobile. 481 00:18:21,773 --> 00:18:23,942 Batmobile. 482 00:18:24,026 --> 00:18:25,444 Batmo-mobile. 483 00:18:26,194 --> 00:18:28,488 So it was you who helped me 484 00:18:28,572 --> 00:18:30,741 through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 485 00:18:30,824 --> 00:18:32,784 Yeah, Schmidt. 486 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,913 And it was you, not Keaton, who told me 487 00:18:36,997 --> 00:18:39,583 that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants? 488 00:18:39,666 --> 00:18:42,753 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 489 00:18:42,836 --> 00:18:45,297 They're unbelievably comfortable. 490 00:18:45,464 --> 00:18:47,674 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton 491 00:18:47,841 --> 00:18:51,678 at that deli, and he stopped, and he winked? 492 00:18:52,095 --> 00:18:54,097 Honestly, I can't explain that one. 493 00:18:54,181 --> 00:18:56,391 It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 494 00:18:57,267 --> 00:18:59,186 My friend Michael. 495 00:19:00,062 --> 00:19:05,317 Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? 496 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,236 But honestly, I was just trying to help. 497 00:19:09,196 --> 00:19:12,115 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 498 00:19:15,118 --> 00:19:17,120 - What was that? - I'm so sorry. 499 00:19:17,204 --> 00:19:19,790 - Why would you say something like that? - Because I hurt you, 500 00:19:19,873 --> 00:19:22,417 and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 501 00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:25,295 The end of a high school football movie? 502 00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:28,674 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. 503 00:19:28,757 --> 00:19:30,550 It's super weird. 504 00:19:31,426 --> 00:19:33,553 Are we good? 505 00:19:35,013 --> 00:19:38,058 Yeah. We're good. 506 00:19:46,692 --> 00:19:49,444 Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. 507 00:19:49,528 --> 00:19:50,964 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, 508 00:19:50,988 --> 00:19:52,864 and I think it best that I do it alone. 509 00:19:52,948 --> 00:19:54,592 You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy? 510 00:19:54,616 --> 00:19:55,617 No. 511 00:19:55,701 --> 00:19:57,804 In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel… 512 00:19:57,828 --> 00:19:58,930 - Don't do this. - I'm moving out. 513 00:19:58,954 --> 00:19:59,955 You're the worst. 514 00:20:00,414 --> 00:20:01,975 Schmidt, I thought you said we were good. 515 00:20:01,999 --> 00:20:03,458 No, we're great, but I'm going. 516 00:20:03,542 --> 00:20:04,543 Two separate things. 517 00:20:04,626 --> 00:20:07,295 I made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 518 00:20:07,379 --> 00:20:09,715 - You're not going anywhere. - I'm going. 519 00:20:09,798 --> 00:20:12,592 Goodness, uh, I think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. 520 00:20:12,843 --> 00:20:14,523 I think that because they're still in there 521 00:20:14,553 --> 00:20:16,221 - having sex, I think. - Ugh! 522 00:20:17,347 --> 00:20:19,266 Hey, Schmidt. You going to a weekend spa again? 523 00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:22,019 - No. Striking out on my own. - Wait. What? 524 00:20:22,102 --> 00:20:23,937 You're moving out? He's not moving out, is he? 525 00:20:24,021 --> 00:20:25,498 Schmidt, you can't move out. Who's gonna do my fades? 526 00:20:25,522 --> 00:20:26,762 Yeah, who's gonna do his fades? 527 00:20:29,443 --> 00:20:30,777 Believe this is mine. 528 00:20:32,654 --> 00:20:34,990 Well, I bid you all adieu. 529 00:20:35,073 --> 00:20:36,700 - Stop it, Schmidt. - Are you serious? 530 00:20:36,950 --> 00:20:38,285 - Schmidt, come on. - Come on. 531 00:20:38,452 --> 00:20:40,132 - Seriously? - Come on! Stop with the show! 532 00:20:40,162 --> 00:20:42,456 You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 533 00:20:42,748 --> 00:20:44,541 Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when 534 00:20:44,624 --> 00:20:46,001 we'll see each other again? 535 00:20:47,044 --> 00:20:48,587 Or where. 536 00:20:55,218 --> 00:20:56,345 Wait. 537 00:20:56,428 --> 00:20:58,764 You're just moving in across the hall? 538 00:20:58,847 --> 00:21:00,807 I can't hear you 'cause I'm gone. 539 00:21:00,891 --> 00:21:02,869 Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen 540 00:21:02,893 --> 00:21:06,063 to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. 541 00:21:06,146 --> 00:21:08,273 Oh, you are kidding me. 542 00:21:08,732 --> 00:21:11,109 - I can see your feet! - Me, too. 543 00:21:11,193 --> 00:21:12,194 Shut up. 544 00:21:12,277 --> 00:21:13,945 The guy's an idiot. 545 00:21:14,780 --> 00:21:17,074 See you tomorrow, Schmidt. 546 00:21:17,157 --> 00:21:21,453 I'm alone. I'm alone! 547 00:21:21,536 --> 00:21:23,038 I'm alone. 548 00:21:23,121 --> 00:21:24,414 I'm alone. 549 00:21:29,586 --> 00:21:32,673 Score. Touch… Score. 550 00:21:32,756 --> 00:21:36,176 Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 551 00:21:36,301 --> 00:21:38,011 Stupid jerk!