1 00:00:01,860 --> 00:00:03,570 Oh. 2 00:00:03,654 --> 00:00:05,823 - It's Coach. - Coach, our old roommate? 3 00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:06,966 - Oh, yeah? - He wants to hang out tonight. 4 00:00:06,990 --> 00:00:08,075 - What? - Shut up! 5 00:00:08,158 --> 00:00:09,159 He just texted me. 6 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,096 Oh, man, you better give power of attorney to a loved one, 7 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,496 'cause it's about to get crazy. 8 00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:15,249 When Coach has the dice, every roll's a seven. 9 00:00:15,332 --> 00:00:17,126 Here I am. 10 00:00:17,209 --> 00:00:20,587 Rock you like a hurricane… 11 00:00:20,671 --> 00:00:23,924 - Nick, trumpet solo. - Yeah! 12 00:00:24,007 --> 00:00:25,047 You're ruining my wedding. 13 00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:26,135 Here I am… 14 00:00:26,218 --> 00:00:28,303 You know, I bet this means he broke up with Malia. 15 00:00:28,387 --> 00:00:30,931 I mean, that's his thing. He finds a girl, he just disappears. 16 00:00:31,473 --> 00:00:34,184 Holy crap in a hat! Schmidt! How long have you been out there? 17 00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:37,354 Oh, relax. Just bringing my chimes over to the new loft. 18 00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:40,023 Damn it, Schmidt! You're here all the time taking our stuff. 19 00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:42,401 You decided to move out, so get new stuff. 20 00:00:42,484 --> 00:00:43,819 Oh, I'm sorry 21 00:00:43,902 --> 00:00:45,171 that I'm more into material possessions than you. 22 00:00:45,195 --> 00:00:48,282 Schmidt, you stole my toothpaste while I was using it. That's vindictive. 23 00:00:48,365 --> 00:00:49,926 - That's who took the toothpaste? - Yeah. 24 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:52,202 Uh-oh, you better watch out, break of, break of dawn, 25 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,163 because I'm about to party all up in you! 26 00:00:54,246 --> 00:00:55,640 - Coach texted you, too? - Yeah, man. 27 00:00:55,664 --> 00:00:57,350 Well, I guess he doesn't realize you're a dill weed 28 00:00:57,374 --> 00:00:59,436 - who doesn't live here anymore. - Well, I guess he doesn't realize 29 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,295 that you're a dill weed who… 30 00:01:02,045 --> 00:01:03,046 Who still lives here. 31 00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:05,442 Remember when you got those chimes, and there was that girl? 32 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,633 Yeah. 33 00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:09,678 - What's happening? - I don't know. I don't get it. 34 00:01:09,762 --> 00:01:10,947 I had so much sex on patio furniture. 35 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,347 - A lot of fun. - The best. 36 00:01:12,431 --> 00:01:14,231 - I'm still mad at you. - I'm mad at you, man! 37 00:01:16,059 --> 00:01:21,315 I need everyone to shut up and answer one simple question! 38 00:01:23,192 --> 00:01:25,402 You sons a bitches ready to party? 39 00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:27,362 - Yeah! - Yeah! 40 00:01:27,446 --> 00:01:28,864 Who's that girl? 41 00:01:28,947 --> 00:01:30,157 Who's that girl? 42 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,742 Who's that girl? 43 00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:33,535 - Who's that girl? - It's Jess! 44 00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:36,038 Good to have you back, old man. 45 00:01:36,455 --> 00:01:37,956 So, what, uh, you and Malia broke up? 46 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,001 Oh, yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was like, "Ew. Bye." 47 00:01:41,085 --> 00:01:43,587 I guess her gain is our gain! 48 00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:44,838 Who are you? 49 00:01:46,048 --> 00:01:47,091 Hey, come… Come on, man. 50 00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:48,234 - But it's me, Jess. - Come… It's Jess. 51 00:01:48,258 --> 00:01:49,551 Ah, yeah, no. 52 00:01:49,635 --> 00:01:51,112 We lived together for, like, two weeks. 53 00:01:51,136 --> 00:01:52,280 We shared some pretty big moments. 54 00:01:52,304 --> 00:01:53,972 Yes! We got Bin Laden! 55 00:01:54,056 --> 00:01:56,183 - SEAL Team 6, bitches! - Yeah! 56 00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:57,559 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! 57 00:01:57,643 --> 00:02:00,813 Huh. I thought I was alone for that. 58 00:02:00,896 --> 00:02:02,356 - You weren't. - Anyway, 59 00:02:02,439 --> 00:02:05,275 I'm single, and me and my boys are gonna get crazy tonight! 60 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:06,527 Huh? 61 00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:09,238 You know what I'm talking about, Shrimp Forks. 62 00:02:09,321 --> 00:02:10,447 - Oh, man. - Oh, no. 63 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:11,782 What's Shrimp Forks? 64 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:14,243 It's a name I gave Winston when we played hoops. 65 00:02:14,326 --> 00:02:17,121 The ball used to always slip through his little, small girly hands. 66 00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,997 Winston Bishop, point guard… 67 00:02:20,290 --> 00:02:22,793 Winston Bishop, point guard, R… 68 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:23,961 Point guard, R… 69 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:26,588 He couldn't palm an apple. Old Shrimp Forks. 70 00:02:27,172 --> 00:02:28,612 So, I'm thinking strip club tonight? 71 00:02:28,924 --> 00:02:30,092 - Hmm? - Oh, fun, fun! 72 00:02:30,175 --> 00:02:31,718 Fun! Fun! Fun! 73 00:02:31,802 --> 00:02:34,680 Uh, Nick, can I talk to you in the other room alone for a sec? 74 00:02:36,265 --> 00:02:38,118 Should I close the door, or do you want to just do it quietly? 75 00:02:38,142 --> 00:02:39,222 We're not having sex, Nick. 76 00:02:39,268 --> 00:02:40,477 No, I know that. 77 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:42,122 - You wanted to come here and talk. - Yeah. 78 00:02:42,146 --> 00:02:44,314 A strip club on a Tuesday night? 79 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:46,751 No, I know, I know, but this is just what we always used to do. 80 00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:48,294 I don't want to be one of those girls, 81 00:02:48,318 --> 00:02:50,112 but I feel kind of uncomfortable about it. 82 00:02:50,195 --> 00:02:52,322 - I totally get it. - Let's go, Nick. 83 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:54,300 These dollar bills aren't gonna stick themselves in a thong. 84 00:02:54,324 --> 00:02:57,077 - I'm coming, my man. - Right on. 85 00:02:57,161 --> 00:02:58,912 I might… I might be coming, my man. 86 00:02:58,996 --> 00:03:01,707 - Oh, I get it. You're whipped. - No, I'm not. 87 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,476 I didn't know you had to check in with your girlfriend. 88 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:05,740 We haven't even discussed the girlfriend-boyfriend thing. 89 00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:07,087 Oh, cool, man. Let's go. 90 00:03:07,171 --> 00:03:09,089 What? 91 00:03:10,841 --> 00:03:12,509 What a… 92 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,654 - I'm sorry, what did I just hear? - What I… 93 00:03:14,678 --> 00:03:16,180 All I said was we haven't had 94 00:03:16,263 --> 00:03:18,199 the girlfriend-boyfriend discussion, which we haven't. 95 00:03:18,223 --> 00:03:19,325 You don't think you're my boyfriend? 96 00:03:19,349 --> 00:03:20,893 No, I never said that. 97 00:03:20,976 --> 00:03:22,136 I'm just talking terminology. 98 00:03:22,186 --> 00:03:23,466 We've never had the terminology. 99 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,039 - We've never had the terminology. - What? 100 00:03:25,063 --> 00:03:26,332 We've never used the terminology. 101 00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:27,959 It's funny you act like you're my boyfriend, 102 00:03:27,983 --> 00:03:29,252 you have all the privileges of being my boyfriend. 103 00:03:29,276 --> 00:03:30,444 I enjoy them. 104 00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:32,196 Would like me to revoke those privileges? 105 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:35,115 No, you're twisting my words. What I'm saying, Jess, 106 00:03:35,199 --> 00:03:37,117 is we've never had the boyfriend-girlfriend, 107 00:03:37,201 --> 00:03:39,244 seeing other people conversation. 108 00:03:39,328 --> 00:03:41,997 We haven't had the seeing other people conversation? 109 00:03:42,081 --> 00:03:43,290 You're seeing other people? 110 00:03:43,373 --> 00:03:44,875 No, I'm not. Are you? 111 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,543 - No. - Jess, I'm just… 112 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:49,463 We haven't had the conversation, is all, 113 00:03:49,546 --> 00:03:53,217 and it's a conversation that I, personally, would love to have. 114 00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:55,177 Uh, dude, let's go. It's gonna close. 115 00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:57,137 Geez, is she not letting you go? 116 00:03:57,221 --> 00:03:59,932 I'm just telling her what kind of cake to bake me, son. 117 00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:02,684 Damn! 118 00:04:02,768 --> 00:04:04,853 That's right. All right. 119 00:04:06,230 --> 00:04:07,272 What are you doing? 120 00:04:07,356 --> 00:04:09,149 - I don't know. - What are you doing? 121 00:04:09,233 --> 00:04:10,609 Jess, it's when Coach is here, 122 00:04:10,692 --> 00:04:12,403 - I just… - No. 123 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:13,737 Nick! 124 00:04:14,446 --> 00:04:17,241 - I'm really sorry. - Guess what, Nick? 125 00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:18,409 I'm going out tonight 126 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,387 because we haven't had the boyfriend-girlfriend talk, 127 00:04:20,411 --> 00:04:22,663 and we haven't had the seeing other people talk, 128 00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:25,749 and I'm gonna bake a cake, a pineapple upside down cake. 129 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,560 - In terms of the metaphor, I'm really… - Okay. Don't! 130 00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:30,337 Go to the strip club, Nick. Knock yourself out. 131 00:04:30,421 --> 00:04:33,090 Oh, don't wait up, Jebecca. 132 00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,550 - Yeah, it's Jess. - Right on. 133 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,596 Men suck. 134 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,432 - Nick isn't even a man. - Mmm-mmm. 135 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:45,227 He's like some man-boy, man-child hybrid. 136 00:04:45,727 --> 00:04:48,605 The other day, I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail. 137 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,524 I shouldn't have to do that. 138 00:04:50,607 --> 00:04:52,276 If a guy wants to play games, Jess, 139 00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:53,944 you got to play them right back. 140 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:55,738 - Right, good. - Yeah. 141 00:04:55,821 --> 00:04:57,114 What does that mean? 142 00:04:57,489 --> 00:04:59,992 - I'd make him jealous. - Yeah, right, yeah. 143 00:05:00,075 --> 00:05:02,595 And there are a lot of guys out there that want to hook up with you. 144 00:05:02,619 --> 00:05:05,873 There is this one guy, Artie, from the coffee shop who asked me out. 145 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,526 Oh, actually, you have my number. 146 00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:10,085 So give me a call. Maybe we can go out sometime. 147 00:05:10,502 --> 00:05:12,379 Shut your face! 148 00:05:12,463 --> 00:05:14,840 You should maybe give this guy, Artie, a call and see… 149 00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:16,216 No, that's too real. 150 00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:17,801 That's just way too real. 151 00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,154 Then why do you have his number in your phone? 152 00:05:19,178 --> 00:05:20,739 I just like looking at it. It's not weird. 153 00:05:20,763 --> 00:05:23,307 - No. - But it has, like, 154 00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,559 a lot of fours in it. 155 00:05:26,351 --> 00:05:27,811 You know, you know what I mean? 156 00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:29,730 No, I don't. 157 00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:33,192 Lacey! 158 00:05:33,275 --> 00:05:35,778 Oh, which one of y'all want a lap dance, 159 00:05:35,861 --> 00:05:38,197 because WB just hit the ATM. 160 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:40,449 - Oh, hold up. - Mmm-hmm. 161 00:05:40,532 --> 00:05:41,968 Shrimp Forks, why'd you get so much Bunny Money? 162 00:05:41,992 --> 00:05:44,078 - What is Bunny Money? - That is Bunny Money. 163 00:05:44,161 --> 00:05:46,455 That's not real money. Look at the bill. 164 00:05:46,789 --> 00:05:48,791 President Rabbit with two big ass jugs. 165 00:05:48,874 --> 00:05:50,959 Damn, man. 166 00:05:51,043 --> 00:05:53,438 It's fine. As long as you didn't take out too much, you're okay. 167 00:05:53,462 --> 00:05:55,297 Hey, Schmidt, I took out $2,000. 168 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:59,343 You keep making mistakes, Winston. 169 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:01,011 Oh, isn't this great, guys? 170 00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:02,322 - Awesome. - Yeah, man, the best. 171 00:06:02,346 --> 00:06:03,698 And it's gonna keep getting better, 172 00:06:03,722 --> 00:06:06,308 because we're not leaving here until the sun comes up. 173 00:06:06,391 --> 00:06:08,310 - Whew. - Hey, yo, brick top! 174 00:06:08,393 --> 00:06:10,437 We about to get it popping. 175 00:06:10,521 --> 00:06:11,814 Whistle while you twerk! 176 00:06:11,897 --> 00:06:14,024 That man has so much confidence. 177 00:06:14,108 --> 00:06:15,275 It's amazing. 178 00:06:15,359 --> 00:06:16,669 Until the morning? I can't do this, Schmidt. 179 00:06:16,693 --> 00:06:17,837 - I'm so tired. - I'm having anxiety here. 180 00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:19,321 I have an 8:00 a.m. presentation. 181 00:06:19,405 --> 00:06:21,716 That means I have to get there at 7:45 to lower everyone's chairs. 182 00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:23,760 Jess hasn't texted me back. I'm starting to freak out. 183 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:24,886 Here's what I think we should do. 184 00:06:24,910 --> 00:06:26,513 I think you should be the one to just kind of tell him 185 00:06:26,537 --> 00:06:27,806 that we want to leave and that maybe 186 00:06:27,830 --> 00:06:29,057 you want to leave and then we'll all go together. 187 00:06:29,081 --> 00:06:30,374 Why do I have to be the heavy? 188 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:31,834 All right, fellas! 189 00:06:31,917 --> 00:06:33,419 All right, he's back! 190 00:06:33,502 --> 00:06:35,379 So I got dancers for each of us, 191 00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:37,339 plus one floater to play the zone. 192 00:06:37,423 --> 00:06:38,924 Oh, defense! 193 00:06:39,925 --> 00:06:41,677 - Yeah! - Here's a crazy idea. 194 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,971 - Shoot, man. - What if we got out of here, 195 00:06:44,930 --> 00:06:46,530 went back to the loft and just hung out? 196 00:06:46,557 --> 00:06:48,701 You're going through a big breakup. Let's talk it out, man. 197 00:06:48,725 --> 00:06:51,311 Yeah, yeah, let's just, um, go home and talk feelings. 198 00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:52,771 - No. - Mmm-mmm. 199 00:06:53,272 --> 00:06:54,982 I was with Malia, now I'm not. 200 00:06:55,065 --> 00:06:56,442 There, we talked about it. 201 00:06:56,525 --> 00:06:58,068 Oh, look at the time. 202 00:06:58,152 --> 00:06:59,278 It's butt o'clock. 203 00:06:59,361 --> 00:07:00,588 - You whipped. - Shut up, Schmidt. 204 00:07:00,612 --> 00:07:01,923 - You whipped. - Straight-up whipped. 205 00:07:01,947 --> 00:07:02,990 I'm not whipped. 206 00:07:03,073 --> 00:07:04,426 - Whipped like cream cheese. - Yeah, you are. 207 00:07:04,450 --> 00:07:05,970 - Whipped like cream cheese. - Whipped! 208 00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,370 So, Cece, I'm thinking of firing off this text to Nick. 209 00:07:08,454 --> 00:07:10,164 "Loving single life." 210 00:07:10,247 --> 00:07:12,416 Should I add a "whoo-hoo" or is that too bitchy? 211 00:07:12,750 --> 00:07:14,877 Look who I called. 212 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,378 Hey, Jess. 213 00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:20,340 Shut your face. 214 00:07:21,258 --> 00:07:22,301 What? 215 00:07:24,428 --> 00:07:26,972 - Oh, looks like you could use a new drink. - Oh. 216 00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:30,017 Barkeep… Can I please get a Shirley Temple 217 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:34,104 with a finger of coconut rum and a lemon squeeze? 218 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,982 I call it a Temple Grandin because it makes me friendly 219 00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,066 and compassionate. 220 00:07:38,150 --> 00:07:40,778 I have a boyfriend. 221 00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,446 No, she… No, she doesn't. 222 00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:43,697 Yeah, I do. She do. 223 00:07:43,781 --> 00:07:45,532 - No. - Obviously, this is a bad time, 224 00:07:45,616 --> 00:07:47,493 and, uh, you're involved. 225 00:07:47,576 --> 00:07:50,079 - In some shape or other. - No, no, no. She's free as a bird. 226 00:07:50,162 --> 00:07:51,246 - Cece. - All right, 227 00:07:51,330 --> 00:07:54,041 well, he's a very lucky man. I hope he realizes that. 228 00:07:54,792 --> 00:07:56,126 Oh, don't move. 229 00:07:56,210 --> 00:07:58,128 You've got an eyelash. 230 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,089 There we go. Make a wish. 231 00:08:00,172 --> 00:08:01,924 I'm afraid to. 232 00:08:02,007 --> 00:08:04,093 All right, take care. 233 00:08:05,427 --> 00:08:07,805 - Big mistake. - I shook his hand. I had my fun. 234 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:10,641 Do you think that Nick is in the strip club right now 235 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,768 shaking hands? No. 236 00:08:12,851 --> 00:08:14,394 Because he is a man. 237 00:08:14,812 --> 00:08:16,188 You can't trust them, Jess. Okay? 238 00:08:16,271 --> 00:08:18,357 The moment you let your guard down, 239 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,442 they just walk all over you. 240 00:08:20,526 --> 00:08:22,569 Tonight is the night to beat them at their own game. 241 00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:28,575 Hey, Artie! Bet you can't lift me! 242 00:08:31,036 --> 00:08:33,163 Uh, all sales of Bunny Money are final. 243 00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:36,500 How am I supposed to spend $2,000 on dancers? 244 00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,043 Oh, no. Our dancers don't take it. 245 00:08:38,127 --> 00:08:39,169 What? 246 00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:41,463 However, uh, Bunny Money is redeemable at the bar, 247 00:08:41,547 --> 00:08:44,383 our gift shop and our sister club in Fort Myers, Florida. 248 00:08:44,842 --> 00:08:45,843 What? 249 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,052 Body shot. 250 00:08:50,472 --> 00:08:52,826 You taste delicious, do you know that? What is that? An aftertaste? 251 00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:54,601 - Probably baby formula. - Oh… 252 00:08:54,810 --> 00:08:57,479 - Tuesday nights! - Girl, you are a pistol. 253 00:08:57,563 --> 00:08:59,398 I'll tell you what, 254 00:08:59,481 --> 00:09:01,650 how 'bout you and me go back 255 00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:04,236 and I dance on you this time? 256 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,489 Oh, man. 257 00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:09,783 Tuesdays nights. 258 00:09:09,867 --> 00:09:11,553 You know, for a chub, you're a terrible heavy. 259 00:09:11,577 --> 00:09:14,663 Let's just get Coach really drunk until he passes out. 260 00:09:14,747 --> 00:09:16,540 Then we take him home. Shot contest. 261 00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:18,943 - Shot contest. - Like in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Schmidt. 262 00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:20,687 I'm not ripping a page from that pro-Nazi film. 263 00:09:20,711 --> 00:09:22,254 - It isn't pro-Nazi. - Of course it is. 264 00:09:22,337 --> 00:09:24,017 It might as well be an SS propaganda movie. 265 00:09:24,673 --> 00:09:26,967 No, everybody in a Nazi uniform literally dies. 266 00:09:27,050 --> 00:09:29,470 Yeah, the… When she puts the hand into the, uh… 267 00:09:29,553 --> 00:09:30,846 - The heart. - No, not… 268 00:09:30,929 --> 00:09:32,848 Well, that happens, too. Nazis. 269 00:09:32,931 --> 00:09:34,600 I don't think that makes you a Nazi. 270 00:09:34,683 --> 00:09:36,703 They ate the monkey brains, and there was all the bugs. 271 00:09:36,727 --> 00:09:38,228 Nazi, Nazi. 272 00:09:38,312 --> 00:09:39,646 Nick's at a strip club, 273 00:09:39,730 --> 00:09:41,850 but he's just being a normal guy in his 20s that wants 274 00:09:41,899 --> 00:09:43,859 to hang out with other guys in their 20s. 275 00:09:43,942 --> 00:09:45,861 They're all in their 30s. 276 00:09:46,528 --> 00:09:48,655 - Hmm. - Yeah. Enough about Nick. 277 00:09:48,739 --> 00:09:51,617 What do you do when you're not making coffee at the coffee shop? 278 00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:54,453 - Well, actually, I own the coffee shop. - What? 279 00:09:54,536 --> 00:09:56,096 It's not as glamorous as you may think. 280 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,414 It's a lot of spreadsheets 281 00:09:57,873 --> 00:09:59,750 and jetting off to Brazil at a moment's notice. 282 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,752 Nick's never been to Brazil. 283 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,045 Maybe you should step away. 284 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:06,256 You know, call Nick up and hash things out. 285 00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:09,140 Mmm-mmm, can't call Nick 'cause then he'll know I'm thinking about him. 286 00:10:09,218 --> 00:10:10,677 - Ah. - And then he wins. 287 00:10:10,761 --> 00:10:12,554 Maybe you both win. 288 00:10:12,638 --> 00:10:14,932 - Say Brazil again. - Brazil. 289 00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:19,353 Say "rubber baby buggy bumpers." 290 00:10:19,436 --> 00:10:21,105 Rubber baby buggy bumpers. 291 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,648 Oh, my God! 292 00:10:22,731 --> 00:10:24,858 Shot contest isn't working. 293 00:10:24,942 --> 00:10:26,151 It's only making him stronger. 294 00:10:26,568 --> 00:10:28,195 It's Jess. 295 00:10:29,321 --> 00:10:31,740 Hey, Jess, I'm so glad you called! 296 00:10:31,824 --> 00:10:33,659 Nick, can I talk to you for a second? 297 00:10:33,742 --> 00:10:36,578 Oh, is that, uh, Notorious N.A.G.? 298 00:10:36,662 --> 00:10:38,288 - Hey! - Is that Naggie Gyllenhaal? 299 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:42,376 Hey, I don't need your help checking my woman. 300 00:10:42,793 --> 00:10:44,336 You're checking your woman? 301 00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:45,754 Wait, how did you hear that? 302 00:10:45,838 --> 00:10:48,090 You were covering the listening part, dummy. 303 00:10:48,173 --> 00:10:50,592 Yeah, but they look the same. I'm too drunk. 304 00:10:50,676 --> 00:10:53,095 Well, I'm way drunk, too, and I'm with a man. 305 00:10:53,554 --> 00:10:54,763 What? 306 00:10:54,847 --> 00:10:57,516 He owns a business, and he goes to Brazil. 307 00:10:58,851 --> 00:11:01,270 - Nick? Nick? Hello? - Oh, it's a coin flip. 308 00:11:01,353 --> 00:11:03,147 He's so immature. 309 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,440 Jess! 310 00:11:05,274 --> 00:11:06,442 Jess, I got it. 311 00:11:06,525 --> 00:11:08,002 Hey, I think you guys have had enough. 312 00:11:08,026 --> 00:11:09,462 Why don't you let me give you a ride home? 313 00:11:09,486 --> 00:11:10,779 Wait, you weren't drinking? 314 00:11:10,863 --> 00:11:12,063 Oh, no, no, no, I don't drink. 315 00:11:12,114 --> 00:11:13,949 I got to get a jump on the morning. 316 00:11:14,032 --> 00:11:15,743 Well, you really have it together. 317 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,786 I bet you can use a phone, too. 318 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,664 Your bar for having it together is set pretty low. 319 00:11:21,373 --> 00:11:23,852 I don't think this is such a good idea. We can just grab a cab home. 320 00:11:23,876 --> 00:11:25,753 Cece, this was your idea. 321 00:11:25,836 --> 00:11:27,921 Artie, can we take your jet? 322 00:11:28,005 --> 00:11:30,632 Oh, it's just one coffee shop. 323 00:11:30,716 --> 00:11:31,925 Wouldn't you like to know? 324 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:35,429 All right, guys, give it up for Candy! 325 00:11:35,512 --> 00:11:36,805 Is that lobster gray? 326 00:11:36,889 --> 00:11:38,209 Most expensive thing on the menu. 327 00:11:38,891 --> 00:11:40,267 I got to go. 328 00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,728 - What? - Jess is drinking and talking to some guy. 329 00:11:42,811 --> 00:11:45,314 Forget her, dude. Relationships are prisons. 330 00:11:45,731 --> 00:11:47,649 How often do we get to hang out like this? 331 00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:49,026 I haven't seen you in two years. 332 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,778 Strippers and booze forever. 333 00:11:51,028 --> 00:11:52,088 - Hear, hear. - There it is. 334 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,197 No, stop, no, no. 335 00:11:53,989 --> 00:11:56,241 Relationships are not prisons, 336 00:11:56,325 --> 00:11:58,535 and Jess is amazing. 337 00:11:58,994 --> 00:12:01,747 She's sexy and sweet, 338 00:12:02,247 --> 00:12:03,832 and I can't lose her. 339 00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:06,460 So I'm going home to see her. 340 00:12:11,548 --> 00:12:14,051 Why are you crying? We can see each other tomorrow. 341 00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,011 I didn't break up with Malia, all right? 342 00:12:17,596 --> 00:12:18,806 She broke up with me. 343 00:12:18,889 --> 00:12:20,516 Why didn't you say anything, man? 344 00:12:20,599 --> 00:12:22,518 'Cause I was embarrassed, Winston. 345 00:12:24,019 --> 00:12:25,020 I lost her. 346 00:12:25,104 --> 00:12:27,856 I was just trying to fill a void with all these naked chicks. 347 00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:30,692 I don't want to be here. I want to be in love. 348 00:12:30,776 --> 00:12:33,070 Oh, Coach, this is so pathetic. 349 00:12:33,612 --> 00:12:36,532 Now she's dating some dude named Derrique. 350 00:12:37,616 --> 00:12:38,700 Or Derek. 351 00:12:38,784 --> 00:12:41,120 Coach, you need to go home, and I need to go home, too. 352 00:12:41,203 --> 00:12:42,830 You're right, man. 353 00:12:42,913 --> 00:12:44,706 You have to fight for your relationships. 354 00:12:44,790 --> 00:12:46,291 - Freaking Derrique. - Let's go. 355 00:12:46,375 --> 00:12:48,293 Mmm-mmm, guys, guys, you cannot leave. 356 00:12:48,377 --> 00:12:50,421 Dude, I was just crying. I want to get out of here. 357 00:12:50,504 --> 00:12:52,065 It's embarrassing. He cried in a strip club. 358 00:12:52,089 --> 00:12:53,983 All these dudes saw me cry. Dude, I want to leave. 359 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,385 Man, I got Bunny Money coming out of my pockets. 360 00:12:57,886 --> 00:13:00,055 Wait a minute, this ain't the way home. 361 00:13:00,556 --> 00:13:02,196 Yeah, we're just gonna make a quick stop. 362 00:13:02,808 --> 00:13:05,310 We're gonna kick Malia's boyfriend's ass. 363 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,604 Wait, this is a police station? 364 00:13:07,688 --> 00:13:08,790 Uh-huh, that's where he works. 365 00:13:08,814 --> 00:13:10,816 You want to drunk fight a cop? 366 00:13:10,899 --> 00:13:13,235 He stole my girlfriend. 367 00:13:13,318 --> 00:13:14,921 Did you hear the joke about the two black guys 368 00:13:14,945 --> 00:13:16,985 and two white guys who walked into a police station? 369 00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:19,908 - The two white guys came out. - I'm with Winston. 370 00:13:19,992 --> 00:13:21,243 - Winston? - Mmm-hmm? 371 00:13:21,326 --> 00:13:22,411 I got two of these, 372 00:13:22,494 --> 00:13:24,121 and you got one more of those. 373 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,748 - Put that away. - Coach! 374 00:13:25,831 --> 00:13:27,040 Coach, let's do it. 375 00:13:27,124 --> 00:13:28,404 - Coach, no! - Let's get raucous. 376 00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,793 - I'm ready. - We're not ready! 377 00:13:32,254 --> 00:13:34,423 - He is pure life force. - He's a lunatic, man. 378 00:13:34,506 --> 00:13:35,758 I got to get out of here. 379 00:13:35,841 --> 00:13:37,068 I want to go, too. I got a work thing. 380 00:13:37,092 --> 00:13:39,112 - Well, I got a girl thing, dude. - Work trumps girls. 381 00:13:39,136 --> 00:13:40,888 Girls are replaceable. Jobs are forever. 382 00:13:40,971 --> 00:13:42,765 I bet I get left with the fare. I just bet… 383 00:13:42,848 --> 00:13:44,683 Hey, driver, let me just ask you something. 384 00:13:44,975 --> 00:13:46,351 Do you like strippers? 385 00:13:46,769 --> 00:13:48,937 Do you also like the deal of a lifetime? 386 00:13:49,021 --> 00:13:50,397 I wanted to leave first. 387 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:53,901 I've been saying that the whole night, and none of you guys can stop me. 388 00:13:53,984 --> 00:13:56,111 You think that you can… You can 389 00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:59,406 beat me in a physical altercation of fisticuffs? 390 00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:01,075 I will beat you in a way 391 00:14:01,742 --> 00:14:04,036 that you've never been beaten before. 392 00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:06,955 Ooh. 393 00:14:07,039 --> 00:14:09,083 - Damn it! - You got hit in the face, son. 394 00:14:09,166 --> 00:14:10,959 Hit me again. 395 00:14:11,293 --> 00:14:14,588 'Cause I swear you'll be… I'll be… 396 00:14:14,671 --> 00:14:17,966 Loosen up your neck so I can put you into the headlock of a lifetime. 397 00:14:18,050 --> 00:14:19,927 Guys, it's escalating, look! 398 00:14:20,010 --> 00:14:22,096 I'm a cop, pew, pew, pew. 399 00:14:22,179 --> 00:14:24,098 No, no, no, no, no. 400 00:14:24,181 --> 00:14:26,141 Thanks for the ride, Artie. 401 00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,828 Bathroom's down the hall. It's the one with the urinals. 402 00:14:28,852 --> 00:14:30,521 I do live with men. 403 00:14:30,896 --> 00:14:32,564 Nay, boys. 404 00:14:35,192 --> 00:14:38,821 Look, if he can pee in Brazil, he can pee at my house. 405 00:14:38,904 --> 00:14:40,382 - Do you actually like this guy? - What? 406 00:14:40,406 --> 00:14:42,533 No, no. 407 00:14:42,616 --> 00:14:46,829 Nick couldn't call me his girlfriend, and that hurt. 408 00:14:47,413 --> 00:14:50,624 Now I want to hurt him back with some long, 409 00:14:51,166 --> 00:14:53,210 hot conversation. 410 00:14:53,502 --> 00:14:54,771 - That's what you really want to do? - Yes. 411 00:14:54,795 --> 00:14:56,130 Men suck, remember? 412 00:14:56,213 --> 00:14:59,883 I'm sorry about saying that, because I put that on you, all right? 413 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:03,053 That's because I'm going through something right now with Schmidt. 414 00:15:03,429 --> 00:15:04,596 You have Nick. 415 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,683 Nick's a child who drinks on Tuesdays. 416 00:15:07,766 --> 00:15:09,852 You're drinking on a Tuesday and you are a teacher. 417 00:15:09,935 --> 00:15:11,854 Those kids are watching a movie tomorrow. 418 00:15:12,146 --> 00:15:14,106 Look, Nick doesn't have a life plan. 419 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,816 He doesn't have a day plan. 420 00:15:15,899 --> 00:15:19,903 I once found a note he wrote to himself that said "Put on pants" 421 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,947 followed by a question mark. 422 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,783 That means it read, "Put on pants?" 423 00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:27,995 Also, he throws pizza at seagulls, 424 00:15:29,079 --> 00:15:32,166 which I guess is kind of nice because he's trying to feed them. 425 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:38,046 And he's a really, really great kisser. 426 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,424 You have something really good. 427 00:15:42,676 --> 00:15:46,513 Just go get Artie and tell him to leave, all right? 428 00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,849 - Can you just get Derek? - Hey! Hey! 429 00:15:48,932 --> 00:15:50,476 He's gonna get the whole precinct! 430 00:15:50,559 --> 00:15:52,978 This is a high-income area. They're very bored in there. 431 00:15:53,061 --> 00:15:54,396 Got to get sober, got to get… 432 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,232 Oh, my goodness, the jacket smells like gasoline. 433 00:15:57,316 --> 00:15:59,026 Guys, come on. 434 00:15:59,109 --> 00:16:01,153 Come on, man, we're too old for this. 435 00:16:01,695 --> 00:16:04,531 - We're too old for this whole night. - What? 436 00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:07,034 Life changes. You got to grow up. 437 00:16:07,117 --> 00:16:10,037 I did. I'm in a relationship, and I'm happy. 438 00:16:10,496 --> 00:16:12,664 Schmidt moved out of the loft, and he's happy. 439 00:16:12,748 --> 00:16:14,041 I'm miserable! 440 00:16:14,124 --> 00:16:15,977 - It's your fault. - What are you talking about? 441 00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:18,587 I'm in a vacancy room! A room of vacancy! 442 00:16:18,670 --> 00:16:20,255 - Empty nest! - By choice! By choice! 443 00:16:20,339 --> 00:16:22,067 Let me tell you something, when I'm done with you, 444 00:16:22,091 --> 00:16:25,094 your face is gonna look all melted like the president at the end of Raiders. 445 00:16:25,177 --> 00:16:26,488 He wasn't a president! You saw a different movie 446 00:16:26,512 --> 00:16:28,931 - than everybody else in the world! - I'll kill you! 447 00:16:29,014 --> 00:16:30,557 - He wasn't a president. - Guys, guys! 448 00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:32,101 Kick you in the butt! 449 00:16:32,184 --> 00:16:33,286 - Don't! You touched my penis! - Hey, hey! 450 00:16:33,310 --> 00:16:34,853 Don't touch my penis! 451 00:16:34,937 --> 00:16:36,063 Stop! Stop it! 452 00:16:36,146 --> 00:16:37,898 - You just touched my penis! - Hey! Hey! 453 00:16:37,981 --> 00:16:39,233 You touched my… 454 00:16:40,484 --> 00:16:41,902 You guys, grow up! 455 00:16:41,985 --> 00:16:43,070 - You grow up. - Grow up! 456 00:16:43,153 --> 00:16:44,780 Coach? What are you doing here? 457 00:16:47,408 --> 00:16:48,409 Is this about Malia? 458 00:16:48,492 --> 00:16:50,369 Yeah, it's about Malia. 459 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,252 Take care of her, man. 460 00:16:59,628 --> 00:17:00,963 Yeah, I will. 461 00:17:02,047 --> 00:17:04,883 I'm a cop, not some drunk loser. 462 00:17:06,009 --> 00:17:07,302 Get out of here. 463 00:17:12,391 --> 00:17:13,892 Should we grow up tomorrow night? 464 00:17:15,978 --> 00:17:17,062 Yeah. 465 00:17:17,146 --> 00:17:18,605 Muscle time! 466 00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:19,791 - Get on the ground! - Muscle time! 467 00:17:19,815 --> 00:17:21,817 - I'm a cop! - Back up! 468 00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:23,610 I got a badge and a gun! Arrest me, dude! 469 00:17:24,778 --> 00:17:26,613 He's got backup! Go! Go! 470 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,073 Go! Go! 471 00:17:28,824 --> 00:17:29,992 Serpentine! 472 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:31,952 Serpentine! 473 00:17:38,167 --> 00:17:40,377 Artie, I have to hit the hay. 474 00:17:44,506 --> 00:17:46,008 - Oh, dear! - Don't worry. 475 00:17:46,091 --> 00:17:48,385 I'm gonna make you coffee in the morning. 476 00:17:54,933 --> 00:17:56,393 It's been a really great evening, 477 00:17:56,477 --> 00:17:59,938 what a treat it's been, but I think somewhere along the way, 478 00:18:00,022 --> 00:18:01,774 some signals got crossed. 479 00:18:01,857 --> 00:18:03,734 Signals could not have been any clearer. 480 00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:05,110 Come on in. 481 00:18:06,028 --> 00:18:07,404 The water's warm. 482 00:18:09,615 --> 00:18:10,741 Are you splashing me? 483 00:18:10,824 --> 00:18:12,117 I'm fixing to mix you up. 484 00:18:12,451 --> 00:18:13,535 Seriously? 485 00:18:13,619 --> 00:18:15,412 Oh, men are such dicks. 486 00:18:21,251 --> 00:18:22,419 All right, guys, second wind. 487 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,172 You got an old TV? Let's throw it off the roof. 488 00:18:25,255 --> 00:18:27,716 Come on, you're crashing with me. 489 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,594 And you, go talk to your girlfriend. 490 00:18:31,136 --> 00:18:32,346 Thanks. 491 00:18:32,888 --> 00:18:34,014 Hey, it was a fun night. 492 00:18:35,516 --> 00:18:37,267 - All right, guys. - Let's go, Shrimp Forks. 493 00:18:37,351 --> 00:18:39,520 Coach, Shrimp Forks? 494 00:18:39,978 --> 00:18:42,773 Come on, man, that makes no sense. I played professional basketball. 495 00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,470 You got to stop calling me that. 496 00:18:44,733 --> 00:18:45,859 I'm sorry, man. 497 00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:48,112 Hop along, Bunny Money. 498 00:18:48,821 --> 00:18:51,490 - Better than Shrimp Forks. I'll take that. - Fantastic. 499 00:18:51,573 --> 00:18:53,242 It only cost you $2,000. 500 00:18:53,325 --> 00:18:54,576 It did, didn't it? 501 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,787 The Brazilians have the same word 502 00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:58,414 for making love to one woman 503 00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,833 as they do for making love to two. 504 00:19:02,626 --> 00:19:04,753 Mah-gaa-leesh. 505 00:19:06,088 --> 00:19:08,132 - Take off your tops and say it with me. - Jess! 506 00:19:08,799 --> 00:19:10,926 - Oh, my God, that's Nick! - Okay, okay, you… 507 00:19:11,009 --> 00:19:13,637 You just get him dressed. I will stall Nick. 508 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,198 I am really good at this kind of thing. 509 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:16,598 Oh, my God. 510 00:19:16,682 --> 00:19:18,475 Nick, hey, great. 511 00:19:18,559 --> 00:19:20,161 I've been wanting to talk to you about this side table. 512 00:19:20,185 --> 00:19:22,271 What kind of wood is it made out of? Jess, I failed! 513 00:19:22,354 --> 00:19:23,564 Jess. 514 00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:26,817 Welcome, brother. 515 00:19:27,151 --> 00:19:28,193 Oh, my God. 516 00:19:28,277 --> 00:19:31,447 Nick, I can't imagine what you must be thinking right now. 517 00:19:31,864 --> 00:19:33,699 Actually, I can. This is your worst nightmare. 518 00:19:33,782 --> 00:19:36,063 There's a very good-looking man in my bed, and he's naked, 519 00:19:36,118 --> 00:19:38,078 and I'm flushed, and I'm flustered. 520 00:19:38,162 --> 00:19:41,331 I might as well just spray paint "Jay Cutler sucks" on the wall 521 00:19:41,415 --> 00:19:42,767 and just round out the whole image, right? 522 00:19:42,791 --> 00:19:45,836 But, Nick, nothing happened, 523 00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:48,464 and nothing was ever going to happen, 524 00:19:48,964 --> 00:19:51,049 and you have to believe me, please. 525 00:19:52,384 --> 00:19:54,970 Say you believe me, please. 526 00:19:59,433 --> 00:20:00,517 I believe you. 527 00:20:05,397 --> 00:20:07,232 Do you have any questions? 528 00:20:08,066 --> 00:20:09,443 Do you want me to have questions? 529 00:20:09,777 --> 00:20:11,320 Well… 530 00:20:11,403 --> 00:20:12,654 Hey, Artie? 531 00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:17,326 I'm gonna need you to get out of my girlfriend's bed, man. 532 00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,287 Well, uh, 533 00:20:20,370 --> 00:20:22,873 I'm naked and in bed, 534 00:20:22,956 --> 00:20:24,958 and you're fully clothed and standing, 535 00:20:25,042 --> 00:20:27,753 so I mean, I hardly think this would be a fair fight. 536 00:20:27,836 --> 00:20:30,422 Well, I'd like it to be a fair fight. 537 00:20:31,757 --> 00:20:33,175 Thank God for snaps. 538 00:20:33,258 --> 00:20:34,968 Men are so weird. 539 00:20:35,052 --> 00:20:36,512 I must warn you, 540 00:20:37,805 --> 00:20:39,973 while spending time in Brazil… 541 00:20:40,057 --> 00:20:41,242 - Let get situated first… - All right. 542 00:20:41,266 --> 00:20:42,893 Before we get into this thing. 543 00:20:42,976 --> 00:20:44,686 Oh, my God! 544 00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:47,219 - Bye-bye. - Don't die, big guy. 545 00:20:48,398 --> 00:20:50,150 - Hey. - Hey. 546 00:20:50,859 --> 00:20:52,236 You called me your girlfriend. 547 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:54,029 Did I? I don't remember. 548 00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,451 Where's Winston with the food? 549 00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:01,328 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 550 00:21:01,412 --> 00:21:04,498 It was crazy at the V-Rab. Bachelor party season. 551 00:21:04,581 --> 00:21:06,643 - I got a deep-dish gyrator, no mushrooms. - That's me. 552 00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:07,918 Don't call it V-Rab. 553 00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:09,920 Please. 554 00:21:10,003 --> 00:21:11,755 I got the main stage fish tacos. 555 00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:13,924 No regrets. Great order. 556 00:21:14,007 --> 00:21:15,167 Pour some sugar on meatballs? 557 00:21:15,217 --> 00:21:16,718 Oh, that's me. Thank you. 558 00:21:16,802 --> 00:21:20,472 Let's see, and I got the short stack ass-clap pancakes. 559 00:21:20,556 --> 00:21:22,558 - Flapjacks! - You want to switch? 560 00:21:22,641 --> 00:21:24,268 Let's do… Schmidt, you want a taco? 561 00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:25,662 No, I'm gonna take one of Winston's. 562 00:21:25,686 --> 00:21:27,372 - Take it if you want it, dude. - I was just thinking 563 00:21:27,396 --> 00:21:29,156 maybe if you guys could chip in a little bit. 564 00:21:29,231 --> 00:21:30,232 Right on, right on. 565 00:21:30,315 --> 00:21:33,318 - 'Cause it was expensive. - You want one of Winston's tacos? 566 00:21:33,402 --> 00:21:37,906 I'll take 50 cents on the dollar, I really would. I really would. Please?