1
00:00:01,371 --> 00:00:03,498
Well, nothing brightens up
a rainy day

2
00:00:03,582 --> 00:00:05,000
like a Scotch tasting, guys.

3
00:00:05,083 --> 00:00:07,085
It's not raining today.
It hasn't rained in months.

4
00:00:07,169 --> 00:00:08,688
- Shh, don't ruin the moment.
- There's actually

5
00:00:08,712 --> 00:00:10,732
a huge forest fire. Dude,
you should turn on the news.

6
00:00:10,756 --> 00:00:13,925
This is a 15-year-old
French oak reserve.

7
00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:18,430
Mm! A note of cedar,
vanilla, tobacky.

8
00:00:18,513 --> 00:00:19,640
Boozy.

9
00:00:19,723 --> 00:00:22,059
Hunting, fishing, shooting,

10
00:00:22,142 --> 00:00:24,770
fatherhood, bonding…

11
00:00:24,853 --> 00:00:26,396
Sadness.

12
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:27,773
Please don't leave me.

13
00:00:27,856 --> 00:00:28,958
- Cheers, guys. Put 'er there Schmidty.
- Cheers.

14
00:00:28,982 --> 00:00:30,192
Cheers.

15
00:00:30,275 --> 00:00:32,569
- To a nice quiet evening.
- Tranquil.

16
00:00:32,653 --> 00:00:35,322
This moment is so chill
and absent of drama,

17
00:00:35,405 --> 00:00:36,907
I want to call it "Tim Duncan."

18
00:00:36,990 --> 00:00:38,950
I have 21 minutes to make
a life-changing decision

19
00:00:39,034 --> 00:00:41,034
and you beautiful sons-a-bitches
are gonna help me!

20
00:00:41,078 --> 00:00:43,830
- Whoa.
- Yeah!

21
00:00:43,914 --> 00:00:46,124
That is $45 worth of Scotch
right there.

22
00:00:46,208 --> 00:00:48,377
It tastes disgusting.
I don't like it.

23
00:00:49,711 --> 00:00:51,129
Who's that girl?

24
00:00:51,213 --> 00:00:52,631
Who's that girl?

25
00:00:52,714 --> 00:00:54,424
It's Jess!

26
00:00:58,387 --> 00:01:01,390
So, obviously, Nick has told you
about how I've been volunteering

27
00:01:01,473 --> 00:01:04,017
at the Children's Museum,
and really hitting it off

28
00:01:04,101 --> 00:01:06,501
- with the head curator, Candace, right?
- In my way, I have.

29
00:01:06,561 --> 00:01:07,747
- I've never heard that.
- Hasn't said a word. Thank God.

30
00:01:07,771 --> 00:01:09,106
Come on.

31
00:01:09,189 --> 00:01:10,691
Guys, give me one second.

32
00:01:10,774 --> 00:01:12,651
I gotta go play a round
of "Car Keys Monty"

33
00:01:12,734 --> 00:01:14,861
with Kevin-97 or he'll try
to drive home.

34
00:01:14,945 --> 00:01:16,822
So, anyway, about a month ago,

35
00:01:16,905 --> 00:01:18,615
Candace calls me and tells me

36
00:01:18,699 --> 00:01:20,551
there might be a full-time
fund-raising position

37
00:01:20,575 --> 00:01:23,036
- opening up and I'd be perfect for it.
- There we go,

38
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,181
look for the keys,
look for the keys, look for the keys.

39
00:01:25,205 --> 00:01:26,725
And she keeps pushing
me for an answer,

40
00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:28,250
and I keep putting her off.

41
00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:29,644
I say, "Thank you very much.
I'm very flattered",

42
00:01:29,668 --> 00:01:31,420
"but I already have a job.
Me teacher."

43
00:01:31,503 --> 00:01:33,922
That's a grammar joke.
You get it.

44
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:36,341
Look at the jukebox for a sec.

45
00:01:36,425 --> 00:01:38,778
When I think of teachers, I
think of two things: Jessica Day

46
00:01:38,802 --> 00:01:40,405
and pornography where
the characters are teachers.

47
00:01:40,429 --> 00:01:42,429
Well, of course I've always
wanted to be a teacher,

48
00:01:42,472 --> 00:01:44,182
but my school's a disaster.

49
00:01:44,266 --> 00:01:46,143
Justice Brandeis believed that…

50
00:01:46,226 --> 00:01:47,311
Ms. Day?

51
00:01:47,394 --> 00:01:50,022
Education's Principal Foster,
everybody!

52
00:01:50,105 --> 00:01:52,316
Thank you so much.

53
00:01:52,399 --> 00:01:55,360
Ms. Day, we have hit
a construction hiccup

54
00:01:55,444 --> 00:01:57,279
- in our renovation, so…
- Okay.

55
00:01:57,362 --> 00:01:59,614
Everybody's gonna have
to be sharing

56
00:01:59,698 --> 00:02:01,491
- classroom space.
- What?

57
00:02:01,575 --> 00:02:06,038
Hey, do you have a freezer
or should I flush these frogs?

58
00:02:06,121 --> 00:02:08,332
My check comes either way.

59
00:02:08,415 --> 00:02:12,377
Oh, come on. Foster's sticking
us with the math kids

60
00:02:12,461 --> 00:02:14,713
that use letters
instead of numbers?

61
00:02:14,796 --> 00:02:16,214
Do you mean algebra?

62
00:02:16,298 --> 00:02:17,799
I guess. Anyway,

63
00:02:17,883 --> 00:02:20,761
it's gonna be a couple
of crazy months, huh?

64
00:02:20,844 --> 00:02:22,220
I'm sorry? Months?

65
00:02:22,304 --> 00:02:24,973
Right. Years if the bond
issue fails.

66
00:02:25,057 --> 00:02:26,433
Which it might,

67
00:02:26,516 --> 00:02:28,226
since voters
are trending anti-future.

68
00:02:28,310 --> 00:02:30,646
Anti-future? Who's anti-future?

69
00:02:30,729 --> 00:02:32,814
I don't know. The Amish?

70
00:02:32,898 --> 00:02:34,274
The dying?

71
00:02:34,358 --> 00:02:36,610
Television industry,
print media,

72
00:02:36,693 --> 00:02:39,529
record industry,
railroad industry,

73
00:02:39,613 --> 00:02:43,033
karaoke machine owners.
You got this?

74
00:02:43,116 --> 00:02:46,036
I'm gonna go not smoke pot.

75
00:02:46,119 --> 00:02:49,373
- So my phone rings…
- Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice.

76
00:02:49,456 --> 00:02:51,583
- No, I'm talking about work.
- So your phone rings.

77
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:53,251
And it's Candace
officially offering

78
00:02:53,335 --> 00:02:55,135
me the job! And I told her
I'd think about it!

79
00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:58,006
Wow, you not being
a school teacher?

80
00:02:58,090 --> 00:03:00,217
Well, you have found
my flabbergast button,

81
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,010
and guess what,
you've pressed it.

82
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:04,388
I'm flabbergasted as hell, too.

83
00:03:04,471 --> 00:03:05,949
Look, I've been a teacher
my entire life,

84
00:03:05,973 --> 00:03:07,683
and I've always wanted
to be a teacher,

85
00:03:07,766 --> 00:03:09,744
but maybe I should be doing
something else. I don't know.

86
00:03:09,768 --> 00:03:12,104
How do you know when
you're on the right path?

87
00:03:13,271 --> 00:03:14,815
It's crazy.

88
00:03:14,898 --> 00:03:16,441
That wasn't
a rhetorical question.

89
00:03:16,525 --> 00:03:18,276
- Oh!
- Oh!

90
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,921
What I like to do is just
take a drive up PCH maybe.

91
00:03:19,945 --> 00:03:22,614
Willy Wonka once said…

92
00:03:22,698 --> 00:03:25,409
Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00
to find out my final answer!

93
00:03:25,492 --> 00:03:26,702
- Whoa!
- What?

94
00:03:26,785 --> 00:03:28,412
I'm sorry you're in
such a pickle.

95
00:03:28,495 --> 00:03:31,290
But I'm not sorry
that I get to time something!

96
00:03:31,373 --> 00:03:32,874
19 minutes, people!

97
00:03:32,958 --> 00:03:36,253
- All right.
- Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00.

98
00:03:36,336 --> 00:03:37,671
I'm not sure this is helping.

99
00:03:37,754 --> 00:03:39,589
This brings a whole
new level of tension

100
00:03:39,673 --> 00:03:40,984
- to the whole situation.
- Yeah, because you're being timed now.

101
00:03:41,008 --> 00:03:42,360
- You time a lot of stuff, Coach.
- 46 seconds.

102
00:03:42,384 --> 00:03:44,104
This is a life-changing
decision, that's it.

103
00:03:46,763 --> 00:03:49,474
17 minutes till 6:00.
17 minutes, Jess.

104
00:03:49,558 --> 00:03:51,601
Coach, do you always
wear a stopwatch? Like always?

105
00:03:51,685 --> 00:03:52,954
You familiar with
Rollergirl's relationship

106
00:03:52,978 --> 00:03:55,063
to her skates in Boogie Nights?

107
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,482
- Yes.
- Well, I'm not,

108
00:03:57,566 --> 00:03:59,401
because I don't watch
movies, I time them.

109
00:03:59,484 --> 00:04:02,279
They're pornographers,
but they're also a family.

110
00:04:02,362 --> 00:04:05,866
155:30 official running
time, my round ass!

111
00:04:05,949 --> 00:04:07,909
Jess, choosing a career path
is never easy,

112
00:04:07,993 --> 00:04:11,455
but what I found…

113
00:04:11,538 --> 00:04:13,457
- Oh, my God.
- Shut up, dude! Come on.

114
00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:14,916
She's looking for career advice.

115
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,336
Your job could be done
by a vending machine.

116
00:04:17,419 --> 00:04:19,129
Guys, don't be mean.

117
00:04:19,212 --> 00:04:20,481
So Nick doesn't have
a traditional career. I mean…

118
00:04:20,505 --> 00:04:23,300
Or is it the most traditional?

119
00:04:23,383 --> 00:04:25,510
Maybe I'm thinking
about prostitution.

120
00:04:25,594 --> 00:04:27,137
Guys, as you all know,
I am the expert

121
00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:28,430
at changing career paths.

122
00:04:28,513 --> 00:04:30,033
Is this something
we're now bragging about?

123
00:04:30,057 --> 00:04:31,492
No, Schmidt,
I'm referring to my decision

124
00:04:31,516 --> 00:04:33,036
to quit playing
the game of basketball.

125
00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:35,854
Jess, I will tell you this,
it was not easy.

126
00:04:35,937 --> 00:04:37,356
It all began back…

127
00:04:37,439 --> 00:04:38,899
Come on, Winston move it along.

128
00:04:38,982 --> 00:04:40,692
Okay, Jess, fine,

129
00:04:40,776 --> 00:04:44,071
but don't blame me if you get
lost in the nooks and crannies

130
00:04:44,154 --> 00:04:48,742
of this crazy English muffin
we call Winston's life.

131
00:04:48,825 --> 00:04:50,535
I was the ninth guy
off the bench

132
00:04:50,619 --> 00:04:52,663
for the eighth-best team
in Latvia.

133
00:04:52,746 --> 00:04:55,415
Winnie the Bish!
Winnie the Bish!

134
00:04:55,499 --> 00:04:56,792
Winnie the Bish!

135
00:04:56,875 --> 00:04:58,877
Ha-ha! Thanks for coming
to watch me play, guys.

136
00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:00,721
We didn't watch you play.
We watched you sit.

137
00:05:00,754 --> 00:05:02,214
Which was still fun.

138
00:05:02,297 --> 00:05:04,067
You know, any chance
to get to Latvia, right, guys?

139
00:05:04,091 --> 00:05:05,676
Yeah, I haven't played all year.

140
00:05:05,759 --> 00:05:08,387
They barely let me practice,
but you know, like I always say,

141
00:05:08,470 --> 00:05:10,138
How about them Lats?

142
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:11,866
So that's when you
decidedto change course.

143
00:05:11,890 --> 00:05:14,184
That makes sense.
So my takeaway from that is…

144
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,686
Still building to the decision.

145
00:05:15,769 --> 00:05:17,688
You are traded to Kraslava City.

146
00:05:17,771 --> 00:05:18,981
The Outdoor League?

147
00:05:19,064 --> 00:05:20,482
Man, they play on a hillside!

148
00:05:20,565 --> 00:05:24,027
I give you surprise tip.
Uphill basket, better.

149
00:05:24,111 --> 00:05:25,821
Aha, and then you decided…

150
00:05:25,904 --> 00:05:27,531
Ah!

151
00:05:27,614 --> 00:05:28,615
I'm going fast!

152
00:05:28,699 --> 00:05:29,908
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

153
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:33,370
You never play basketball again.

154
00:05:33,453 --> 00:05:36,415
Don't touch it. Stop it.

155
00:05:36,498 --> 00:05:38,375
And that's when I decided

156
00:05:38,458 --> 00:05:39,894
to stop playing
the game of basketball.

157
00:05:39,918 --> 00:05:42,629
Jess, walk away the
moment you stop loving it.

158
00:05:42,713 --> 00:05:44,339
I mean, that's what I did.

159
00:05:44,423 --> 00:05:45,943
That's the thing,
you didn't walk away.

160
00:05:46,008 --> 00:05:48,593
You decided nothing. That story
contains zero decisions.

161
00:05:48,677 --> 00:05:52,139
Look, I decided to
stop playing the game of basketball

162
00:05:52,222 --> 00:05:55,100
when my doctor told me
I had to stop.

163
00:05:56,685 --> 00:05:58,454
Okay, okay, all right, I…
It was my decision…

164
00:05:58,478 --> 00:05:59,646
Mm-hmm.

165
00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:03,025
To start to play
the game of basket…

166
00:06:03,108 --> 00:06:05,503
You were handed a basketball
six seconds after you were born.

167
00:06:05,527 --> 00:06:07,946
Damn, do I even like basketball?

168
00:06:08,030 --> 00:06:09,448
I mean, goodness,

169
00:06:09,531 --> 00:06:11,491
have I ever made any decisions
my whole life?

170
00:06:11,575 --> 00:06:14,077
Are we all just living inside
the mind of a giant?

171
00:06:14,161 --> 00:06:16,580
All right, good job, buddy.
Really good. Thanks.

172
00:06:16,663 --> 00:06:18,999
You know, if I may be so bold…

173
00:06:19,082 --> 00:06:20,417
Oh, please. Winston,
have a seat.

174
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,002
I was literally about
to give advice.

175
00:06:22,085 --> 00:06:23,646
She already heard one cautionary
tale tonight,

176
00:06:23,670 --> 00:06:24,731
she does not need
to hear another.

177
00:06:24,755 --> 00:06:27,215
What she needs
to hear is my story.

178
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:31,261
A story of hard choices.
A story of paths taken.

179
00:06:31,345 --> 00:06:34,598
A story that I like to call,
"Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"

180
00:06:34,681 --> 00:06:36,850
Ah, you stupid…

181
00:06:36,933 --> 00:06:38,578
The title has nothing to do with
the story, but you need a hook.

182
00:06:38,602 --> 00:06:40,520
It all began back…

183
00:06:40,604 --> 00:06:41,980
Come on, Schmidt!

184
00:06:42,064 --> 00:06:43,649
What? Only one story

185
00:06:43,732 --> 00:06:45,585
in the whole wide world can
begin in a hospital?

186
00:06:45,609 --> 00:06:46,985
I volunteered a lot in college.

187
00:06:47,069 --> 00:06:50,656
But I shone brightest
as a candy striper.

188
00:06:50,739 --> 00:06:51,990
Sick people wanted me.

189
00:06:52,074 --> 00:06:54,451
Dying people wanted to be me.

190
00:06:54,534 --> 00:06:56,286
I was the total
candy-striping package.

191
00:06:56,370 --> 00:06:57,788
And yet I remained invisible

192
00:06:57,871 --> 00:06:59,665
to the one whose gaze
I desired the most.

193
00:06:59,748 --> 00:07:01,416
Invisible? You were like

194
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,543
a 300-pound wall
of peppermint bark.

195
00:07:03,627 --> 00:07:05,295
Her badge said "RN" for registered nurse,

196
00:07:05,379 --> 00:07:07,714
but as far as I was concerned,
it said "NILTH,".

197
00:07:07,798 --> 00:07:09,716
"Nurse I'd Like To Hug."

198
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,469
Not even the baggiest of scrubs
could hide her splendid form.

199
00:07:15,722 --> 00:07:16,962
Where's a guy have to volunteer

200
00:07:17,015 --> 00:07:19,434
to get a girl like that, huh?

201
00:07:19,518 --> 00:07:21,728
I don't volunteer. I'm a man.

202
00:07:21,812 --> 00:07:24,481
I have a job in marketing.

203
00:07:24,564 --> 00:07:28,235
Obviously I was far too fat
to work in marketing.

204
00:07:28,318 --> 00:07:30,445
So I got a job
any dumb slob could do.

205
00:07:30,529 --> 00:07:32,906
Relax, man, it's your first day.

206
00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:35,492
For a Jewish giant,
I had a surprising knack

207
00:07:35,575 --> 00:07:36,868
for selling Christmas trees.

208
00:07:36,952 --> 00:07:38,954
Not only did
my wide center of gravity

209
00:07:39,037 --> 00:07:40,497
make me freakishly strong,

210
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:42,749
but I could also sell
like the wind.

211
00:07:42,833 --> 00:07:44,435
Because I understood
one fundamental truth.

212
00:07:44,459 --> 00:07:46,962
When you're buying
Christmas trees…

213
00:07:47,045 --> 00:07:49,047
You're really buying sex.

214
00:07:49,131 --> 00:07:50,465
Have you always been short?

215
00:07:50,549 --> 00:07:51,675
I've always been fat.

216
00:07:51,758 --> 00:07:54,094
But who cares how God made you?

217
00:07:54,177 --> 00:07:56,471
Don't let him put you
in a skin box.

218
00:07:56,555 --> 00:07:58,307
At the end of the day,
I'm just a fat guy

219
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,392
standing here in front
of a short guy telling him

220
00:08:00,475 --> 00:08:03,603
that I think we found his tree.

221
00:08:03,687 --> 00:08:05,581
It wasn't long before I caught
the attention of Old Man McCue,

222
00:08:05,605 --> 00:08:08,608
Christmas tree king of Syracuse,

223
00:08:08,692 --> 00:08:10,485
inventor of triple netting.

224
00:08:10,569 --> 00:08:12,946
However…

225
00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:16,575
In the words of the late,
great Sir Billy Joel…

226
00:08:16,658 --> 00:08:18,493
Billy Joel is definitely alive.

227
00:08:18,577 --> 00:08:20,329
And he's definitely
not a knight.

228
00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:21,612
"The good, they do die young."

229
00:08:21,663 --> 00:08:23,123
As I walk through the valley.

230
00:08:23,206 --> 00:08:24,541
Of the shadow of death

231
00:08:24,625 --> 00:08:25,959
I take a look at my life.

232
00:08:26,043 --> 00:08:27,753
And realize there's nothin' left

233
00:08:27,836 --> 00:08:29,338
'Cause I've been blastin'.

234
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:30,505
And laughin' so long.

235
00:08:30,589 --> 00:08:32,132
That even my mama thinks.

236
00:08:32,215 --> 00:08:33,884
That my mind is gone, but…

237
00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:36,428
When you're on your deathbed,

238
00:08:36,511 --> 00:08:39,431
when your life has been lived,

239
00:08:39,514 --> 00:08:41,391
you're never gonna say,

240
00:08:41,475 --> 00:08:44,311
"I wish I'd spent more time
with my family."

241
00:08:44,394 --> 00:08:47,522
Because money

242
00:08:47,606 --> 00:08:50,108
and everything it buys,

243
00:08:50,192 --> 00:08:51,902
you can…

244
00:08:51,985 --> 00:08:53,445
Take it

245
00:08:53,528 --> 00:08:55,572
with you…

246
00:09:08,627 --> 00:09:11,129
Interesting, money.

247
00:09:11,213 --> 00:09:14,216
Actually the museum job pays
more than the teaching job.

248
00:09:14,299 --> 00:09:15,968
Wait, the m…

249
00:09:16,051 --> 00:09:17,779
Then what the hell are we
talking about here, you guys?

250
00:09:17,803 --> 00:09:19,346
Done deal, case closed.

251
00:09:19,429 --> 00:09:21,139
Follow them ducats.

252
00:09:21,223 --> 00:09:22,492
It's not always
about the money, Schmidt.

253
00:09:22,516 --> 00:09:23,725
Guys, look, it's almost 6:00.

254
00:09:23,809 --> 00:09:25,644
And Candace is
insanely punctual.

255
00:09:25,727 --> 00:09:27,020
You know, one of the best

256
00:09:27,104 --> 00:09:29,606
career choices of the future…

257
00:09:29,690 --> 00:09:31,483
Driveways.

258
00:09:32,859 --> 00:09:35,278
You're welcome.

259
00:09:42,369 --> 00:09:44,371
- Jess, the museum job pays more.
- All right…

260
00:09:44,454 --> 00:09:46,057
- The decision has been made for you.
- No, no, no.

261
00:09:46,081 --> 00:09:47,433
You don't know the difference
between more and less.

262
00:09:47,457 --> 00:09:49,459
- Don't you?
- Yes, Schmidt.

263
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:51,145
All of my decisions have
been made for me.

264
00:09:51,169 --> 00:09:52,272
I'm only in sports radio because

265
00:09:52,296 --> 00:09:53,755
I played
professional basketball.

266
00:09:53,839 --> 00:09:55,507
I played professional basketball

267
00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:57,676
because somebody put a ball
in my crib as a baby.

268
00:09:57,759 --> 00:10:00,053
What if somebody gave
Baby Winston a flower?

269
00:10:00,137 --> 00:10:01,430
Then what would I be?

270
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:03,181
- Beekeeper!
- Hummingbird farmer.

271
00:10:03,265 --> 00:10:04,659
Oh, does water shoot
out of the flower?

272
00:10:04,683 --> 00:10:05,743
If so, you'd be
a hilarious comedian.

273
00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:06,852
Wait, guys, this is

274
00:10:06,935 --> 00:10:09,521
classic after-6:00 topics.

275
00:10:09,604 --> 00:10:11,124
Look, I… There has to be
more to this than money.

276
00:10:11,148 --> 00:10:12,649
I really want to care
about what I do.

277
00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:14,693
Don't you ever miss
getting your hands dirty

278
00:10:14,776 --> 00:10:16,987
- and selling?
- I've moved up in the world.

279
00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:18,822
I'm not freezing
and covered in sap.

280
00:10:18,905 --> 00:10:20,657
I'm making spreadsheets.

281
00:10:20,741 --> 00:10:22,093
It's like Old Man McCue
used to say.

282
00:10:22,117 --> 00:10:24,453
The reward is
in the destination.

283
00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:25,621
It's not in the journey.

284
00:10:25,704 --> 00:10:27,497
Was he wise or was he senile?

285
00:10:27,581 --> 00:10:30,500
Because he's mixed up a lot
of really well-known sayings.

286
00:10:30,584 --> 00:10:32,544
Jess, you're gonna
want to listen to me.

287
00:10:32,628 --> 00:10:34,880
Anyone else here named
after their career?

288
00:10:36,757 --> 00:10:38,467
People call you Markety?

289
00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:40,093
Not yet.

290
00:10:40,177 --> 00:10:42,054
That's too bad
'cause that's awesome.

291
00:10:42,137 --> 00:10:44,139
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

292
00:10:44,222 --> 00:10:45,724
Hands up, Ulvis!

293
00:10:45,807 --> 00:10:47,893
Ball screen, Vlad, come on!

294
00:10:47,976 --> 00:10:49,645
There we go, yes!

295
00:10:49,728 --> 00:10:52,105
Bishop, finger
out of your nose, now!

296
00:10:52,189 --> 00:10:54,024
Ernie's a really good coach.

297
00:10:54,107 --> 00:10:56,544
- Maybe we should call him Coach.
- We should probably call him…

298
00:10:56,568 --> 00:10:57,694
You do it first.

299
00:10:57,778 --> 00:10:59,571
- Uh… Coach.
- Yeah.

300
00:10:59,655 --> 00:11:02,282
- That's a great name! High five!
- Yeah!

301
00:11:02,366 --> 00:11:04,660
I think you see what I mean.

302
00:11:04,743 --> 00:11:06,745
- No, I do… I really don't.
- My point is

303
00:11:06,828 --> 00:11:08,080
don't overthink it, Jess.

304
00:11:08,163 --> 00:11:10,457
The call's coming
from inside the house.

305
00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:11,708
What?

306
00:11:11,792 --> 00:11:14,044
Be who you are.
And do what you do.

307
00:11:14,127 --> 00:11:15,379
What if I don't know who I am?

308
00:11:15,462 --> 00:11:16,731
And you know,
I'm capable of doing

309
00:11:16,755 --> 00:11:17,881
a lot of different things.

310
00:11:17,965 --> 00:11:19,091
Then you are on your own.

311
00:11:19,174 --> 00:11:20,300
Good stuff, Coach.

312
00:11:20,384 --> 00:11:21,551
Jess, would it help to think

313
00:11:21,635 --> 00:11:23,762
about your first day
as a teacher?

314
00:11:23,845 --> 00:11:25,156
Like, I think about the first
time I ever poured a drink…

315
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:26,682
- Boo, get off the stage!
- Aw, man.

316
00:11:26,765 --> 00:11:27,808
- Nick!
- Dude, stop.

317
00:11:27,891 --> 00:11:30,769
No, that's interesting.
The first day I ever taught.

318
00:11:30,852 --> 00:11:33,689
Portland Country Day.

319
00:11:33,772 --> 00:11:35,532
Five-team Pacific Northwest
squash champions.

320
00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:38,610
Go, Rhododendrons!

321
00:11:38,694 --> 00:11:41,697
Now, if I was chalk,
where would I be?

322
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:43,782
If I were chalk,
where would I be?

323
00:11:43,865 --> 00:11:45,951
Slip up like that
in front of the kids, Day,

324
00:11:46,034 --> 00:11:47,411
and they'll eat you alive.

325
00:11:51,039 --> 00:11:54,376
Eddie Pascucci kicked
my ass because I'm new.

326
00:11:54,459 --> 00:11:55,877
Well, guess what?

327
00:11:55,961 --> 00:11:57,337
I'm new, too.

328
00:11:57,421 --> 00:11:59,298
I got lost trying to find

329
00:11:59,381 --> 00:12:00,716
the upper dining garden.

330
00:12:00,799 --> 00:12:02,068
Oh, that's over
by the hedge maze

331
00:12:02,092 --> 00:12:03,802
and the stables.

332
00:12:03,885 --> 00:12:06,596
I haven't even met my horse yet.

333
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,181
Come on, let's get you
cleaned up.

334
00:12:08,265 --> 00:12:10,767
All of these jackets have
cash in the pockets.

335
00:12:10,851 --> 00:12:13,353
It's like a $50,000
lost and found.

336
00:12:13,437 --> 00:12:14,938
Here, try this one.

337
00:12:15,022 --> 00:12:16,606
Yup.

338
00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:17,983
You look great, Clifton.

339
00:12:18,066 --> 00:12:19,067
This doesn't fit!

340
00:12:19,151 --> 00:12:21,820
Eddie Pascucci beats up
the unstylish!

341
00:12:21,903 --> 00:12:22,946
Yeah, that's right.

342
00:12:23,030 --> 00:12:24,865
We had an ethnic, gay bully.

343
00:12:26,742 --> 00:12:29,661
He's gonna have to come through me first.

344
00:12:29,745 --> 00:12:30,847
Clifton Collins
really just needed

345
00:12:30,871 --> 00:12:32,205
someone to believe in him.

346
00:12:32,289 --> 00:12:33,999
So I started
tutoring him in math,

347
00:12:34,082 --> 00:12:36,668
and he became the best
math student in school.

348
00:12:36,752 --> 00:12:38,253
So, let's look him up and see

349
00:12:38,337 --> 00:12:39,814
how happy and successful
and amazing he's doing.

350
00:12:39,838 --> 00:12:41,024
- Yeah!
- Because I think that'll

351
00:12:41,048 --> 00:12:42,090
really fire you up.

352
00:12:44,343 --> 00:12:46,970
All right,
there's no trace of him.

353
00:12:47,054 --> 00:12:48,740
- What?
- I'm really, I'm really good at this.

354
00:12:48,764 --> 00:12:50,284
- Just…
- I'm good at it, let me see.

355
00:12:50,349 --> 00:12:51,951
- You found him. He's right here.
- No, I didn't.

356
00:12:51,975 --> 00:12:53,852
- Here's Clifton, wow.
- It's not a…

357
00:12:53,935 --> 00:12:55,121
- Yeah, he's right there.
- That's Clifton. Oh, yeah.

358
00:12:55,145 --> 00:12:57,397
We're not the only ones
looking for him. So's the FBI.

359
00:12:57,481 --> 00:12:58,565
What?

360
00:12:58,649 --> 00:12:59,858
- Yeah, he's a criminal.
- No.

361
00:12:59,941 --> 00:13:01,485
Oh, my God.

362
00:13:01,568 --> 00:13:04,571
Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins?

363
00:13:04,655 --> 00:13:06,573
Wanted for 53

364
00:13:06,657 --> 00:13:08,992
counts of embezzlement.

365
00:13:09,076 --> 00:13:10,202
Sounds like the math took.

366
00:13:10,285 --> 00:13:12,162
Screw me.

367
00:13:12,245 --> 00:13:13,872
Like, I…

368
00:13:13,956 --> 00:13:16,667
Maybe I wasn't even
reaching the kids at all.

369
00:13:20,504 --> 00:13:22,631
Okay, you know what?

370
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,841
- Miller up.
- Excuse me?

371
00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:27,052
That's just like "fill 'er up,"
but with "Miller."

372
00:13:27,135 --> 00:13:28,887
- Don't.
- 'Cause I'm about to fill you up.

373
00:13:28,971 --> 00:13:30,323
- No, that's gross.
- With my stories.

374
00:13:30,347 --> 00:13:31,866
- Oh, please don't.
- That's disgusting.

375
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:33,308
What's disgusting about it?

376
00:13:33,392 --> 00:13:35,102
My first year of law school,

377
00:13:35,185 --> 00:13:37,020
I made an important discovery.

378
00:13:37,104 --> 00:13:39,022
Look left. Look right.

379
00:13:39,106 --> 00:13:40,899
Next year,
one of you will be gone.

380
00:13:40,983 --> 00:13:43,193
What a cliché, huh?

381
00:13:44,111 --> 00:13:46,321
Oh, you wrote that down.

382
00:13:49,116 --> 00:13:51,243
You'll be gone.
I'm not going anywhere.

383
00:13:51,326 --> 00:13:53,006
I'm gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be right here.

384
00:13:53,078 --> 00:13:54,871
Take it easy, guy to my right.

385
00:13:54,955 --> 00:13:56,331
I discovered that I hated

386
00:13:56,415 --> 00:13:58,834
being around these people.

387
00:13:58,917 --> 00:14:00,919
But second year,
I made another discovery.

388
00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:02,629
I hated being around myself.

389
00:14:02,713 --> 00:14:04,089
So my third year,

390
00:14:04,172 --> 00:14:06,049
I wanted to find
a place where I belonged.

391
00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:07,718
Where I could look to my left

392
00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:09,153
or look to my right
and like what I saw.

393
00:14:09,177 --> 00:14:10,637
Love you in that scarf.

394
00:14:10,721 --> 00:14:11,823
Why don't you wear
scarves anymore?

395
00:14:11,847 --> 00:14:14,016
That place?
Perhaps you guessed it:

396
00:14:14,099 --> 00:14:15,559
This very bar.

397
00:14:15,642 --> 00:14:16,977
Get out of town.

398
00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:18,520
What a twist.

399
00:14:22,149 --> 00:14:23,376
How long has thatguy been there?

400
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,735
Kevin-97?

401
00:14:24,818 --> 00:14:25,902
Since 1997, Jess.

402
00:14:25,986 --> 00:14:27,338
Why else do you think
we would call him…

403
00:14:27,362 --> 00:14:29,072
I don't know.
Move it along, Miller.

404
00:14:29,156 --> 00:14:31,116
True, I wasn't
loving law school,

405
00:14:31,199 --> 00:14:33,493
but my grades were fine
and I even signed up

406
00:14:33,577 --> 00:14:35,120
for the California State Bar.

407
00:14:35,203 --> 00:14:37,706
And then, one day…

408
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,583
Red over-served himself

409
00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:41,460
and everything changed.

410
00:14:41,543 --> 00:14:43,128
So you went behind the bar,

411
00:14:43,211 --> 00:14:44,963
quit law school,
you became a bartender…

412
00:14:45,047 --> 00:14:46,673
There's more to it than that.

413
00:14:46,757 --> 00:14:47,841
Two minutes!

414
00:14:47,924 --> 00:14:49,027
Oh, my God.
I honestly don't know what to do.

415
00:14:49,051 --> 00:14:50,093
I have so little time.

416
00:14:50,177 --> 00:14:52,596
- Hey.
- Cece!

417
00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:54,157
Have you ever questioned
your entire career?

418
00:14:54,181 --> 00:14:56,516
Duh, I'm a 31-year-old model.

419
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,602
My last job was
for a phone sex ad,

420
00:14:58,685 --> 00:14:59,936
and I was the one calling.

421
00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:01,772
Tell me what to do.
And don't tell me

422
00:15:01,855 --> 00:15:03,416
to ask the guys, because
I already tried that.

423
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,775
And also, don't tell me

424
00:15:04,858 --> 00:15:06,336
to think about
my first student, Clifton.

425
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,195
Okay, no, wait.
Your first student

426
00:15:08,278 --> 00:15:09,404
was not Clifton.

427
00:15:15,118 --> 00:15:16,954
Lady, she's still
got one minute.

428
00:15:19,623 --> 00:15:21,208
That was a butt dial
from your mother.

429
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:23,794
She is up to no good.

430
00:15:27,631 --> 00:15:30,008
Cece, bring it fast and bring
it hard. You have 53 seconds.

431
00:15:35,097 --> 00:15:37,849
- You okay?
- Yes.

432
00:15:37,933 --> 00:15:39,184
No.

433
00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:41,186
I think I need glasses,
unless crying makes

434
00:15:41,269 --> 00:15:42,354
your eyes not work.

435
00:15:42,437 --> 00:15:43,939
I can't read this,

436
00:15:44,022 --> 00:15:46,358
but even when I can,
I don't understand it.

437
00:15:46,441 --> 00:15:47,943
Crying makes your
eyes work better.

438
00:15:48,026 --> 00:15:49,653
After I finished
Sophie's Choice,

439
00:15:49,736 --> 00:15:51,905
I could see in
the dark for a week.

440
00:15:54,449 --> 00:15:56,618
Here's what I do
when I lose mine.

441
00:15:59,496 --> 00:16:00,747
Ooh, this is interesting.

442
00:16:00,831 --> 00:16:03,041
Get in here.
We'll learn it together.

443
00:16:03,125 --> 00:16:04,543
But everyone'll laugh at us.

444
00:16:04,626 --> 00:16:05,687
They can drive it or milk it

445
00:16:05,711 --> 00:16:06,920
as far as I'm concerned.

446
00:16:07,754 --> 00:16:09,172
I don't know what that means.

447
00:16:09,256 --> 00:16:10,841
I heard my dad say it.

448
00:16:15,053 --> 00:16:16,346
My dad just died.

449
00:16:18,140 --> 00:16:21,768
Well, if you want
to come over and

450
00:16:21,852 --> 00:16:23,288
listen to mine say,
"They can drive it

451
00:16:23,312 --> 00:16:25,105
"or milk it…" You can.

452
00:16:25,188 --> 00:16:26,773
He's also got one

453
00:16:26,857 --> 00:16:28,984
about the turds at City Hall.

454
00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:30,861
Thanks.

455
00:16:39,995 --> 00:16:42,247
- I'm Cece.
- Jess.

456
00:16:43,707 --> 00:16:46,209
I was your first student.

457
00:16:50,130 --> 00:16:52,466
Oh…

458
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,302
Hey, Candace.

459
00:16:55,385 --> 00:16:57,095
Um, yeah.

460
00:16:57,179 --> 00:16:58,388
Actually…

461
00:16:58,472 --> 00:17:00,557
I'm not gonna take the job.

462
00:17:01,975 --> 00:17:03,185
Yeah, I'll see you Sunday.

463
00:17:03,268 --> 00:17:04,895
Okay. Bye.

464
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:06,104
- All right!
- Yeah!

465
00:17:06,188 --> 00:17:07,314
Thanks, guys.

466
00:17:07,397 --> 00:17:08,649
Yes!

467
00:17:08,732 --> 00:17:10,901
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.

468
00:17:10,984 --> 00:17:13,236
- You did it.
- Good stuff.

469
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,114
Hey. She did it.

470
00:17:16,198 --> 00:17:18,033
You made the right call, Jess.
What's wrong?

471
00:17:18,116 --> 00:17:20,118
I think you're right.
I made the right decision.

472
00:17:22,412 --> 00:17:25,290
Look, I know it's hard…

473
00:17:25,374 --> 00:17:26,917
But the hard is what…

474
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,293
Makes it good.

475
00:17:28,377 --> 00:17:30,253
- Um…
- Is that from.

476
00:17:30,337 --> 00:17:32,148
- A League of Their Own?
- A League of Their Own.

477
00:17:32,172 --> 00:17:34,299
Yes, of course. All my quotes
are from sports movies.

478
00:17:34,383 --> 00:17:35,735
You guys don't know them
and so they seem original.

479
00:17:35,759 --> 00:17:36,927
A League of Their Own

480
00:17:37,010 --> 00:17:38,261
is not a sports movie.

481
00:17:38,345 --> 00:17:41,056
- It's a sports movie, first and foremost.
- It's about sisterhood.

482
00:17:41,139 --> 00:17:42,724
- And the war.
- Yeah, absolutely.

483
00:17:42,808 --> 00:17:44,243
It's about a baseball team
grinding it up.

484
00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:47,854
This used to be my playground…

485
00:17:47,938 --> 00:17:49,106
Coming right up.

486
00:17:49,189 --> 00:17:50,691
His sister really worries

487
00:17:50,774 --> 00:17:52,275
about his drinking,
so what I do is

488
00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:53,652
I come in early

489
00:17:53,735 --> 00:17:55,737
and I soak a teabag
until the water turns brown

490
00:17:55,821 --> 00:17:57,698
and looks like booze.

491
00:17:57,781 --> 00:17:59,157
I call it tea-water.

492
00:17:59,241 --> 00:18:01,994
So… Tea.

493
00:18:02,077 --> 00:18:03,286
I will take

494
00:18:03,370 --> 00:18:05,455
a big old glass of booze-water.

495
00:18:05,539 --> 00:18:07,374
Got an antacid
commercial tomorrow…

496
00:18:07,457 --> 00:18:09,293
- Oof.
- And I'm playing day-old curry.

497
00:18:09,376 --> 00:18:11,336
Or you can bartend.

498
00:18:11,420 --> 00:18:14,006
You can bartend till
you're 90 years old.

499
00:18:14,089 --> 00:18:15,465
Why don't you fire this

500
00:18:15,549 --> 00:18:16,800
down to Kevin-97?

501
00:18:21,555 --> 00:18:23,432
Oh, no.

502
00:18:24,683 --> 00:18:26,184
We're gonna work on that.

503
00:18:26,268 --> 00:18:29,771
Good morning, everybody.
Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics.

504
00:18:29,855 --> 00:18:31,106
Turn in your equations,

505
00:18:31,189 --> 00:18:32,774
and you will get a frog.

506
00:18:32,858 --> 00:18:34,192
Dissect carefully,

507
00:18:34,276 --> 00:18:35,277
because inside the frog

508
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,237
is the name of
the city council member

509
00:18:37,321 --> 00:18:38,739
who you will be e-mailing

510
00:18:38,822 --> 00:18:39,906
to restart construction.

511
00:18:39,990 --> 00:18:41,325
- Ms. Day?
- Yes.

512
00:18:41,408 --> 00:18:43,327
I thought this was
gonna be a disaster.

513
00:18:43,410 --> 00:18:45,162
But thanks to you, I can go

514
00:18:45,245 --> 00:18:47,331
upstairs to the big boys

515
00:18:47,414 --> 00:18:51,168
and tell them they
can always depend…

516
00:18:51,251 --> 00:18:53,920
On Dr. Alan Foster.

517
00:18:54,004 --> 00:18:56,506
Yeah.

518
00:18:56,590 --> 00:18:57,924
Please take his job,

519
00:18:58,008 --> 00:18:59,217
I'm begging you.

520
00:18:59,301 --> 00:19:00,344
I'd do it myself,

521
00:19:00,427 --> 00:19:02,012
but I'd never pass
the psych test.

522
00:19:02,095 --> 00:19:03,847
So I figure…

523
00:19:03,930 --> 00:19:05,390
If Foster can be a principal,

524
00:19:05,474 --> 00:19:07,184
then why can't I be a principal?

525
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:08,810
- That's great.
- I don't see why not.

526
00:19:08,894 --> 00:19:10,246
- Thank you.
- Then you could take me

527
00:19:10,270 --> 00:19:11,980
to the principal's
office and punish me

528
00:19:12,064 --> 00:19:14,334
- for being tardy, and…
- You know we're right here, right?

529
00:19:14,358 --> 00:19:15,501
Just lift up my britches and…

530
00:19:15,525 --> 00:19:16,878
- We'll talk about it later.
- Okay.

531
00:19:16,902 --> 00:19:18,129
- Very nice.
- We'll do it in my office.

532
00:19:18,153 --> 00:19:19,313
After I fill up my juice box.

533
00:19:20,697 --> 00:19:22,449
So, guys, just quit
my job today.

534
00:19:22,532 --> 00:19:24,284
- Whoa, big decision.
- Oh, man! What?

535
00:19:24,368 --> 00:19:25,568
I just finally said to myself,

536
00:19:25,619 --> 00:19:27,204
"It is time to make
your own decisions."

537
00:19:27,287 --> 00:19:28,789
- Right on.
- Yeah.

538
00:19:28,872 --> 00:19:31,267
If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd
be happy to have you back.

539
00:19:31,291 --> 00:19:33,144
They would… They would
not like to have me back.

540
00:19:33,168 --> 00:19:35,045
- I burned a lot of bridges today.
- Mmm.

541
00:19:35,128 --> 00:19:36,689
Uh, stuff got weird.
Stuff got… Racial.

542
00:19:36,713 --> 00:19:38,423
- What?
- I used a lot of swear words.

543
00:19:38,507 --> 00:19:40,092
Then I got sexual…

544
00:19:40,175 --> 00:19:42,427
Well, sounds like you need
a drink. On the house.

545
00:19:42,511 --> 00:19:45,055
- What can I get you?
- Ooh… Let me get a, let me get a…

546
00:19:45,138 --> 00:19:46,407
We have everything.
What would you like to drink?

547
00:19:46,431 --> 00:19:48,058
But you know,
I'll make the decision.

548
00:19:48,141 --> 00:19:49,351
Let me get…

549
00:19:49,434 --> 00:19:51,454
- Double amaretto, extra cherries!
- Double amaretto,

550
00:19:51,478 --> 00:19:53,313
extra cherries!
That's what I was gonna say.

551
00:19:53,397 --> 00:19:54,773
Nice.

552
00:19:54,856 --> 00:19:57,109
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, my goodness!

553
00:19:57,192 --> 00:19:59,277
My first shift, you know?
I'm still working on it.

554
00:19:59,361 --> 00:20:01,113
- She's getting better.
- That was great.

555
00:20:01,196 --> 00:20:03,323
- That was awesome.
- Yeah. A natural.

556
00:20:05,575 --> 00:20:06,660
- Hey.
- Hey.

557
00:20:06,743 --> 00:20:08,578
Sorry I didn't let you
finish your story.

558
00:20:12,624 --> 00:20:15,127
- What's this?
- The end of my story.

559
00:20:17,629 --> 00:20:19,798
No way!

560
00:20:20,799 --> 00:20:22,592
You passed the bar exam?

561
00:20:22,676 --> 00:20:25,554
I wanted to prove to myself

562
00:20:25,637 --> 00:20:26,906
that I dropped out of law school

563
00:20:26,930 --> 00:20:28,390
because I wanted
to be a bartender,

564
00:20:28,473 --> 00:20:30,600
not because
I couldn't be a lawyer.

565
00:20:30,684 --> 00:20:32,620
- This also says "spaghetti sandwich."
- That's just 'cause

566
00:20:32,644 --> 00:20:34,831
it's a great idea.
When I have a great idea, I write it down.

567
00:20:34,855 --> 00:20:36,732
The point is…

568
00:20:36,815 --> 00:20:38,275
Is I want this.

569
00:20:38,358 --> 00:20:39,609
You know, it makes me happy.

570
00:20:39,693 --> 00:20:41,611
Well, here.

571
00:20:41,695 --> 00:20:43,864
Now, can I get you a drink?

572
00:20:43,947 --> 00:20:46,491
- Sure.
- Sure.

573
00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:51,455
Abre un poco el corazón.

574
00:20:51,538 --> 00:20:53,308
- Deja amarte corazón
- Cheers. To unemployment.

575
00:20:53,332 --> 00:20:54,875
- Absolutely.
- Exactly.

576
00:20:54,958 --> 00:21:00,047
Ven y sácame de este bar.

577
00:21:01,131 --> 00:21:03,550
Estoy clavado.

578
00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:06,053
Estoy herido.

579
00:21:08,639 --> 00:21:12,517
Estoy ahogado en un bar.

580
00:21:13,685 --> 00:21:15,562
Desesperado.

581
00:21:15,646 --> 00:21:17,189
En el olvido amor…

582
00:21:17,272 --> 00:21:19,650
I see you're looking
at a Douglas fir.

583
00:21:19,733 --> 00:21:21,401
It's a beautiful tree.

584
00:21:21,485 --> 00:21:23,087
We move a ton of these
Dougie firs. Love them.

585
00:21:23,111 --> 00:21:24,488
But…

586
00:21:24,571 --> 00:21:26,698
I feel like you're ready
for the spruce lifestyle.

587
00:21:26,782 --> 00:21:28,408
Let's spruce this up.

588
00:21:28,492 --> 00:21:30,077
Let me put you
in a spruce today.

589
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,596
What kind of ceilings you got
at home? Vaulted? Cathedral?

590
00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:32,972
By the way,
there's no wrong answer.

591
00:21:32,996 --> 00:21:34,390
You look like a confident man,
you know that?

592
00:21:34,414 --> 00:21:37,042
You deserve a confident tree…