- All right! Yes! - Hey, man, don't touch my shin
- every time there's a big play. - Yeah, no, I got it.
- Oh, yes! - Don't touch me every time!
Hey, man, stop.
- Oh! - Oh! There it is!
- No! - Hey, Nick.
Um, Jess left her panties in the dryer.
- You mind if I move 'em? - Sure, man, I don't care.
Wait a second. Why do you ask?
You're not gonna move them in a weird way or something, are you?
No, dude, I'm just trying to be respectful, that's all.
You know, before you and Jess were together,
I moved her panties hundreds of times, so…
- Wait, what? - Hundreds of times?
What, are you just hanging around the dryer
like some sort of panty-hawk?
- What? - Panty-hawk. I'd watch that show.
So should I just go move them, or…
Nick, he's being weird. You gotta move 'em.
Oh, so now I'm the panty mover?
- Yeah, you're the boyfriend. - That's not a life!
Who the hell is gonna move the panties?
- Coach, you move 'em. - Are they warm from the dryer?
You know what? You're out.
- Grow up. I'll move the panties. - Thank you.
Ooh, seems awfully eager.
Yeah, you're awfully eager, here, Schmidt.
Oh, yeah. I been, I been waiting my entire life
to move your girlfriend's panties…
Stop saying "panties," bro.
- Panties. - No, they're panties.
With a "D." Pandies.
Pandies.
Say "panties" like a normal person.
No, this is how Black people say it. Pull your "pannies" down.
- No "T" in there. - We say "pannies." Yeah.
Here's how a white dude says it. Pull your panties down.
Guys, honestly, can you not see what the panties are doing to us?
Stop saying "panties" when it comes to Jess… Everybody.
This is exactly why none of us should live with a woman.
I've got an idea.
You guys are never gonna believe what…
You know what? I don't care.
The most amazing thing just happened.
Whoa! Hey!
- Watch where you're going! - Hey!
- Oh, boy. - Sorry.
Sorry, my bad.
We thought we were gonna die,
but she was actually really sorry.
So she invited us to a party at her boss's house,
and they're sending a limo,
and guess who her boss is.
It's Prince!
- It's Prince. - It's Prince. Prince! It's Prince!
- What? - Whoa! Nice! Oh! Prince?
We're going to a party at Prince's house.
- We're going to a party… - We're going
- at Prince's house. - We're going!
That's not my underwear.
Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl? - It's Jess!
Which shoes should I wear to Prince's house…
White or black?
White or black? Nick, come on.
The limo's gonna be here any minute.
Which shoe? White or black?
Well, I think you look great in everything.
I just want this moment to end.
What are your open-toe options?
None of it works, okay? We gotta start over. Let's go.
You failed, bro.
Man, I am glad I'm not going to that party.
Too much pressure, am I right?
Dude, in high school, going to a Prince party
would've been your dream come true. You were obsessed.
So tonight we're gonna party.
Like it's 1999!
You suck, Miller!
My mother had to cut those pants off me, they were so tight.
Dearly beloved…
We are gathered here today
to celebrate this thing called…
Schmidt.
- Nick, are you wearing cargo pants? - Yeah.
You're gonna wear those to an A-list party?
Hey, guys, how are we going to transport all this cargo?
Oh, wait, we have Nick's pants. We're saved.
Get the frickin' pants off.
Dude, we're not going. Prince invited the hot girls, not the four dudes.
What?
Why did I buy this $2,000 suit?
You idiot!
Dude, my suit cost $200,
and mine came with socks stapled to the lapel.
- Not gonna tap that. - I'm not gonna, 'cause…
'Cause it came with it.
- Cheap suit. - Yeah, but it came with socks.
Unacceptable!
This party was supposed to take me to the next level.
- Next level of what? - Don't ask, man.
In every man's life,
there is one party that changes everything.
Oh.
You don't understand.
And that is exactly why I'm leaving you all behind.
So this whole time, you've just been waiting for cooler friends?
Yes. Of course. Coach, look around.
This can't be the finish line.
Here she is.
Whoa! You look great!
Why is Schmidt dressed up?
I don't want to talk about it.
Prince! Unbelievable!
Hey, look! I'm in a limo!
I wish I had really long legs
so I could stretch 'em out the length of the limo.
Well, have fun. I love you.
Mmm-hmm.
Did Nick just tell me he loved me for the first time?
- Yeah. - And did I do finger guns back?
Yeah, you did.
- No… - Yes.
Oh…
- Oh… - You're gonna want to drink all of this.
- Oh, oh… - Hey, driver,
we're gonna need some more champagne!
Ah.
Okay.
So…
Yeah…
Dude, a man never says it first, okay?
Well, it wasn't my plan to tell her, it just slipped out.
She looked so pretty.
Well, Nick, is that how you feel? I mean, do you love her?
Of course I do. But I wasn't gonna say it like that.
I was gonna wait, Winston.
You blurted it out. It's not a big deal. That's what I always do.
I love you!
Sometimes they say it back, sometimes they don't…
I mean, it's like a numbers game.
I always do this. I always get too intent, and then I freak girls out.
I blew it. What do I do?
Well, Nick, you can't take it back.
Well, that's not 100% true.
- Damn! Prince's house! - Not bad, Prince!
- You think Prince has a pool? - You think he has a drawbridge?
We're never gonna get in. We're not even in a limo.
Uh, excuse me, we're in a Ford Fusion,
the best car ever made. It gets double the gas mileage of…
- Again? - Shut up.
That's all you've been talking about the whole drive, and it's weird.
You get sexual when you talk about it. It's in your eyes. I don't like it.
Double the gas mileage means you go double as far.
- Double as long. - Shut up!
I'll let you borrow this, dude, and you'll feel it.
- You'll know what I'm talking… - Why don't I feel it right now?
- Feel it. - Oh, cowabunga!
- You felt it? - I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Just drive the car.
You've never been turned on by gas mileage before?
- Never. - No!
Once.
- When was that? - It was a Thursday, that's all I remember.
- A Thursday? - Yeah.
Just drive the car.
I gotta go tell my girlfriend I don't love her
so she doesn't leave me. Like a normal person.
Amazing.
Can you believe it?
No, I can't.
Finger guns? That was so stupid.
My brain just froze.
If the limo hadn't pulled away,
I probably would've done a lasso.
I think you were just a little scared.
Scared of what?
Saying "I love you"?
I say "I love you" all the time.
I'll say it right now, I love you!
I love you.
Hi, I'm Clayton Kershaw. I'm a Los Angeles Dodger.
Yeah, and I'm Jessica Day.
I'm a Los Angeles astronaut.
Not now, pal.
- He's never gonna let us in. - So what do we do?
Pull it together. I need this as much as you do.
My new life is waiting for me in that party.
Guys, look, I can't help but think
that now might be a good time for a little Fire and Ice.
- Please… There is never… - Oh! No!
- A good time for Fire and Ice. - Yes! Yeah!
Fire and Ice got you into parties in college,
but it's not getting you into Prince's house.
Winston, what happens when you mix fire and ice?
Warm water, baby.
This is embarrassing.
- It's bubbling. - It's bubbling, baby!
- Warm water! - Warm water!
Um, yeah, I'm on the list.
Ernie!
Winnie?
Winston L. Bishop.
- Ernie, is that really you? - Oh, my goodness!
Come here, man!
- My God, it's so good to see you! - Oh!
This guy saved my life, man.
No, you saved my life.
Let me ask you something, man.
You still keep in contact with Freddy?
Freddy didn't make it.
Freddy's gone?
- No! Come on! No! - No, man!
- We ain't crying. - No, you cry, I cry.
This is a great night. Hope nothing ruins it.
That's nice to see.
Come on, you guys.
- For Freddy. - For Freddy.
Fire and Ice!
Bubbling, bubbling.
- That's remarkable. - That worked?
We need our own Fire and Ice, pal.
Well, all right, man.
Ham and Cheese!
I don't really think the name made a…
Ham and Cheese!
- Nick! Well, we should rehearse! - Excuse me. Excuse me!
- What? Who's this guy? - Nick Miller?
- Is that Schmidt? - You scoundrel, you.
Well, hot damn. Come here. It's good to see you.
Yeah, well, the feeling's not mutual!
The last time I saw him, I was on the desert,
and he was putting my mother into a prison.
You don't understand what we're doing, do you?
Keep this animal away from me!
You know what? It's my fault. We didn't rehearse.
- We didn't rehearse. - Can we come into the party?
You know what? We're gonna wait back here. I get it. It's my fault. It's…
Nick?
I'm Trojan horsing inside a bunch of models.
- Every ham for himself. - No, Nick! Let me in there!
- Models, let me in, please. - No, sir.
Unhand me!
Jess? Hey, there you are. Excuse me.
- Jess. - Nick, hi!
What are you doing here?
- I'm so happy to see you! - Yeah.
How'd you get in?
- I need to talk to you. - I know.
I can't leave it the way that was.
I know, because there's something, um,
I really should have said back there
and I didn't, and, um…
I think it's important that I say to you.
So, uh, what I wanted to say is Nick Miller…
I…
Jess!
She's all right.
Hey, Jess, you okay?
Hi.
What happened?
You had a panic attack and you fell down.
Oh, my God…
Which was actually worse than the finger guns.
I didn't think that was possible.
I think it's fair to say that I did not handle the situation very well.
No, look, it's fine.
In fact, I want to take the whole thing back, Jess.
What?
I shouldn't have said it. It was an accident and, uh…
Yeah, so just kind of clear the air.
No! No, Nick!
This just got very awkward.
Be strong, Nick!
- What did… - What?
- Who said that? - I'm outside the hedge!
Do you see my arm? I'm trying to push through!
What are you doing up there?
- Be careful! - I lost my bearings!
I had to go high to avoid the spiders!
- Nick… - Let's just wait for this to finish.
I'm breaching!
- Uh… - Whoa!
- Easy! Easy! Schmidt! - Aah! Aah!
Prince is terrible at Frisbee.
There's, like, 10 of these things up there.
Hey, guys, can I talk to Nick alone for a second?
- You got it. - Sure.
You're taking it back? Is that how you really feel?
Well…
How do you feel?
Hi.
I'm Prince.
So what seems to be the problem?
Oh, how rude of me.
I haven't given you enough time to freak out yet.
You may do so now.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Nick!
So I'm not familiar with this term "finger guns."
Can you elaborate?
Uh, yeah, it's a…
Whoa. Don't point those at me. They might go off.
That was very much of your flavor of humor.
Listen, Nick, uh…
- Nick, right? - Yes, that's my name.
Jess and I are gonna take a moment to just be alone.
I'm… I'm not worried, but why?
What are you gonna talk to her about, Prince?
You.
Nick, I never thought I'd say this, but…
I need to be alone with Prince.
All right, well…
Yeah.
So, do you like pancakes?
Block 10 was beating, too.
And I can't tell green from blue, no, no-no…
Ooh, ooh.
Cece, help! The bouncer's after me.
- Oh, all right. - Okay.
Like parents often do.
In the middle of the room…
He's gone.
He's gone, Schmidt.
- Is he gone? - Mmm-hmm.
To count my sheep today, baby…
You can stop now.
He's tenacious. He's definitely gonna be back.
Pretty sure it's all clear.
It's always good to see old friends.
Thank you.
How could I let you get away…
So, tonight's the night you're just gonna leave us all behind
and get cooler friends, right?
Yeah, right.
We should be dead. We should be dead.
I never thought I was gonna see him again!
He's getting emotional right now, because this is real.
Oh, if you cry, I'm gonna cry.
And then I'm gonna cry, then we can just cry together.
Poor Freddy.
Jess is with Prince! And I've been drinking.
Wait… Jess is with Prince?
And I've been drinking. Who are these two?
Come on, man. Fire and Ice, dude. Get out.
- It's getting warm in here, isn't it? - Yes.
It's actually a little chilly. We're…
Oh, give me a break. I see what you're doing.
- Mmm-mmm. - You're trying to tempt me sexually.
- Not interested. - What are you doing, Nick?
That leads to me taking my jacket off,
and all of a sudden, you guys got me in my underwear, huh?
I'm not a dummy. Take a walk. No one's interested.
- So rude. - We got business.
No, no, no, no, no, no, stay, stay, stay.
- Let's go. - Idiot!
Yeah, I'm an idiot.
- Ciao. - No, no, no ciao!
No ciao.
You'll be replaced by robots before you can say,
"Fragi-cava-licious."
- You're bringing Fire and Ice down! - Yeah, man.
You don't bring Fire and Ice down.
Don't start with me right now. I'm having a terrible day.
- Who cares about them? - Who cares? I care!
I feel like dancing right now.
Dancing's not the answer. You can't dance.
It's only gonna get worse.
Let's tear the roof off this joint,
and show Prince how we do!
Thanks, Charles.
You want to know why you can't tell that nice dude you love him?
- I want to say it, but… - You're scared.
Exactly.
If you say it and things don't work out, what then?
I really care for him.
And I'm just worried I'm gonna lose him.
- That's stupid. - You're stupid.
- I forgive you. - Oh, my God, thank God!
Besides, anything beautiful is worth getting hurt for.
Well, that's very well put.
- You know who said that? - No.
Me.
You're good. God.
I wish I were more like you, Prince.
Finish your pancake. Let's get to work.
Oh, it's really good. But I'm super full.
- Pancake. - Okay.
Here, put this on.
Oh, that's beautiful, but I don't think I could pull that off.
- Don't argue with me. - Okay.
Ooh, girl.
When you were mine
I used to let you wear…
Repeat after me.
- Love. - Love.
Fine, so fine…
- Love. - Love.
I know, I know
14-zero. My lead.
What am I supposed to be learning here?
15-zero.
- Love. - Love.
You're not saying it right.
Do you understand now?
Yes, I think I do.
What about now?
No.
When you were mine.
No.
Oh, no.
Look in there.
Love you, baby.
Wait, stop, no! I'm afraid of the dark!
I said stop being afraid.
Boo.
Yeah! This is what sexy is!
So, what do you think?
I think you need to go find Nick.
I don't know how to thank you.
I honestly didn't hear a word you said.
Okay.
Okay, gotcha.
This is your party now.
- To the VIP room? - Yeah.
With the two of you?
You can't handle it!
You can't beat me!
- Five, four… - Come on. You've got it.
- You don't got it. - You can't do it.
- You're gonna do it. - Three…
- You can't do it. Two… - Come on, now,
- you can get it. Winnie, don't give up. - One…
What?
- That's impressive. - New record.
Surrounded by celebrities and millionaires,
and you dingbats are playing Lemon Mouth.
Rind me, woman.
- Really? - Okay, here we go.
- Let's do it. - All right, let's go.
- Let's get this party started. - You've got the time, Winston.
- Check this out. - All right, let's go.
Here we go.
Ten, nine,
- What are you doing? - Eight…
- What are you doing? - Boom!
- What? - You're not supposed to eat the lemon.
- New record. - That's not even the game!
Ooh-ooh…
Ooh, ooh-ooh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah-ah-ah!
Nick Miller!
Hey, Jess.
I'm not sorry that I said it.
I hate to say this, but I couldn't hear you 'cause it's very loud.
I love you!
I love you, Nick Miller!
What the hell are you wearing?
Prince dressed me.
- Awesome! - Yeah!
Anybody want to fall in love tonight?
Oh, my God!
- Don't… - Don't…
Don't you wanna…
Don't you wanna.
Fall in love tonight?
That's crazy!
She said Special night, my favorite tune.
The moon threatened to dance her out of her shoes.
Out of my shoes.
In his ear was about to hear.
An awful thought he could not refuse She said.
Don't -Don't…
Don't you wanna.
Wanna fall in love tonight?
Don't -Don't…
- Don't you wanna. - Don't you wanna.
Wanna fall in love tonight?
She said Underneath the taffeta.
There ain't no better hiding place.
Hiding place.
If I see the moon, I'll just laugh it up.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Want to wake up -Wake up.
To your, your pretty face.
Don't -Don't…
- Don't you wanna. - Don't you wanna.
Wanna fall in love tonight?
Did that…
Happen?
- Yeah. - Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
So we just danced with Prince?
- With Prince. - Yeah.
- That's right. - That was fun.
Jess, how did you know the words?
I think Prince is magic.
I've always thought Prince was magic.
Where do we go from here?
How do we move on from this?
Just go to work tomorrow?
Wait a minute.
Where's Cece?
- I'll take it easy on you. - Thank you.
You want to put some money on this?