1 00:00:01,206 --> 00:00:03,709 This is why I buy my food from gas stations, Jess. 2 00:00:03,792 --> 00:00:06,920 Nick, you knocked over a wheelbarrow full of fruit, 3 00:00:07,004 --> 00:00:08,422 and then you actually skipped away. 4 00:00:08,505 --> 00:00:10,090 Guys, I'm trying to concentrate, okay? 5 00:00:10,173 --> 00:00:13,176 The LAPD does not offer entrance exams every single day. 6 00:00:13,677 --> 00:00:17,014 Just Mondays and Fridays. But I am not waiting till Friday. 7 00:00:17,723 --> 00:00:18,950 Hey, why do you have so much fruit? 8 00:00:18,974 --> 00:00:22,144 Because this one ran into his ex-girlfriend at the farmers' market. 9 00:00:22,477 --> 00:00:25,355 - Nick? - Hey! No way! 10 00:00:26,398 --> 00:00:28,233 Caroline of my past. 11 00:00:28,317 --> 00:00:30,402 What a pleasant surprise. 12 00:00:30,485 --> 00:00:31,820 My ex-lover… No! 13 00:00:33,363 --> 00:00:35,616 I don't deal with exes. They're part of the past. 14 00:00:35,866 --> 00:00:39,620 You burn 'em swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon. 15 00:00:39,703 --> 00:00:41,204 I'm really good friends with Berkley, 16 00:00:41,288 --> 00:00:43,248 and we had a terrible breakup… Come on, what? 17 00:00:43,332 --> 00:00:45,602 You have a good relationship with him because he wants to bone you. 18 00:00:45,626 --> 00:00:47,044 He's a stay-at-home dad. 19 00:00:47,127 --> 00:00:49,296 His entire life revolves around his family. 20 00:00:50,213 --> 00:00:52,025 He's the most emotionally evolved person I know. 21 00:00:52,049 --> 00:00:54,551 And I'm sure his favorite emotion is the emotion 22 00:00:54,635 --> 00:00:57,262 - of wanting to bone you. - That's not an emotion. 23 00:00:57,346 --> 00:01:00,974 Possible sex is the only reason people stay "friends" with their exes. 24 00:01:01,058 --> 00:01:02,893 - Come on. - Back me up, Winnie the Bish. 25 00:01:02,976 --> 00:01:04,954 Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm friends with all my exes… 26 00:01:04,978 --> 00:01:06,271 - See? - Families. 27 00:01:06,355 --> 00:01:08,106 - Ha-ha! See? - I still send Shelby's dad 28 00:01:08,190 --> 00:01:11,735 a Father's Day card, and he still sends me five bucks on my birthday. 29 00:01:11,818 --> 00:01:13,129 - What is wrong with you? - That's nice. 30 00:01:13,153 --> 00:01:15,614 - Hey, guys. - I bet Coach is friends with his exes. 31 00:01:15,697 --> 00:01:17,491 - Oh, for sure, yeah. - Yeah! I'm right! 32 00:01:17,574 --> 00:01:18,825 - For sex. - No! 33 00:01:18,909 --> 00:01:21,703 - Ha-ha! I'm right! - Can't spell "sex" with the "ex." 34 00:01:21,787 --> 00:01:23,330 Man, is that sexy when he does that. 35 00:01:25,415 --> 00:01:29,086 Announcement… I finally finished my loft. Hold the applause. 36 00:01:31,255 --> 00:01:32,339 Let's go. All right. 37 00:01:32,422 --> 00:01:33,715 Come on. 38 00:01:35,259 --> 00:01:37,928 Come on, you guys. All together, now. 39 00:01:38,011 --> 00:01:39,137 We're not… Who's coming? 40 00:01:39,221 --> 00:01:40,514 Let's go. Come on, Nick. 41 00:01:40,597 --> 00:01:42,158 I don't want to go, man. Thanks for the invite. 42 00:01:42,182 --> 00:01:44,434 Nah, come on. Winnie. 43 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:46,561 No? 44 00:01:47,104 --> 00:01:48,814 Who's that girl? 45 00:01:48,897 --> 00:01:51,608 - Who's that girl? - It's Jess! 46 00:01:56,321 --> 00:01:58,573 You and Caroline still need some closure. 47 00:01:58,657 --> 00:02:00,242 Well, what do you want me to say? 48 00:02:00,325 --> 00:02:02,619 That I walked out on her and now I'm dating you? 49 00:02:02,703 --> 00:02:05,038 We started dating, like, a year after you broke up. 50 00:02:05,122 --> 00:02:06,307 Yeah, but that doesn't matter with her. 51 00:02:06,331 --> 00:02:09,042 She's got a crazy streak, and this is bound to set her off. 52 00:02:09,126 --> 00:02:10,406 What if she hurts me physically? 53 00:02:11,086 --> 00:02:12,546 What if she hurts me with words? 54 00:02:12,629 --> 00:02:14,214 Just talk to her. Clear the air. 55 00:02:14,298 --> 00:02:16,133 You'll feel better, she'll feel better. 56 00:02:16,216 --> 00:02:19,553 Besides, Nick, I can't give up that farmers' market. 57 00:02:19,636 --> 00:02:22,347 Strolling around, chatting with vendors… It's so nice. 58 00:02:22,431 --> 00:02:23,807 I feel like Don Corleone. 59 00:02:24,016 --> 00:02:25,642 I think a lot of ladies do. 60 00:02:32,774 --> 00:02:34,276 Hey. 61 00:02:34,776 --> 00:02:36,486 Hey… 62 00:02:36,987 --> 00:02:39,615 Sorry about that. 63 00:02:39,698 --> 00:02:42,284 Haven't spoken to anybody all day. Phlegm buildup, you know? 64 00:02:43,744 --> 00:02:46,413 I've been cooped up all day in my loft apartment. 65 00:02:46,496 --> 00:02:48,081 So much space for one person, you know? 66 00:02:48,165 --> 00:02:50,542 You could scream in there, nobody would ever hear you. 67 00:02:50,876 --> 00:02:52,210 I'm gonna go. 68 00:02:52,878 --> 00:02:53,921 Bye. 69 00:02:55,631 --> 00:02:56,965 What is going on? 70 00:02:57,049 --> 00:02:59,009 May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia? 71 00:03:00,385 --> 00:03:02,054 I'm in a bit of a sexual drought. 72 00:03:02,137 --> 00:03:04,556 The Good Valley Schmidt hasn't seen rain in months. 73 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,184 You're just… You're giving off a creepy vibe. 74 00:03:07,267 --> 00:03:10,479 All right? Living alone is messing up your game and it's making you weird. 75 00:03:10,562 --> 00:03:12,230 Yeah, but I love living alone. 76 00:03:12,314 --> 00:03:14,024 Where are you, grapes? 77 00:03:14,107 --> 00:03:15,692 Grápés. 78 00:03:15,776 --> 00:03:17,319 Great apes. 79 00:03:17,402 --> 00:03:20,822 Grapes, we have you surrounded. Come out with your stems up! 80 00:03:27,663 --> 00:03:30,999 I guess my game could be upped if I increased my human contact 81 00:03:31,083 --> 00:03:32,376 - a little bit. - Good. 82 00:03:32,459 --> 00:03:34,339 Because you're caressing your own arm right now. 83 00:03:36,338 --> 00:03:38,257 - Hmm. - That's not normal, man. 84 00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:40,217 I've been working out. It feels… I don't… 85 00:03:42,010 --> 00:03:43,570 I just want to know why you walked out. 86 00:03:45,347 --> 00:03:48,225 Was there something else going on? Was there someone else? 87 00:03:48,850 --> 00:03:49,851 Can I just say, 88 00:03:49,935 --> 00:03:52,104 I really wish this coffee was a giant beer. 89 00:03:52,187 --> 00:03:54,564 And I wish this scone was a whiskey 90 00:03:54,648 --> 00:03:56,408 and I could just drink one… Just chase 'em. 91 00:03:57,943 --> 00:04:01,154 This is nice. Glad we're doing this. 92 00:04:01,738 --> 00:04:02,864 So how'd it go? 93 00:04:02,948 --> 00:04:06,076 We gabbed like a couple of washer women over the back fence. 94 00:04:06,159 --> 00:04:08,912 That's great. So proud of you. 95 00:04:09,705 --> 00:04:11,957 You two are dating? 96 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,126 I knew it. I knew it was her! 97 00:04:14,209 --> 00:04:15,419 What? 98 00:04:15,502 --> 00:04:17,254 You didn't tell her we were together? 99 00:04:17,629 --> 00:04:19,047 I told her we were together. 100 00:04:19,506 --> 00:04:21,633 I'm not getting away with this. I didn't tell her. 101 00:04:21,717 --> 00:04:22,968 Screw you, Miller! 102 00:04:26,138 --> 00:04:28,140 I don't understand. You guys talked for 30 minutes. 103 00:04:28,223 --> 00:04:30,726 - How did our relationship not come up? - 'Cause I got scared. 104 00:04:31,226 --> 00:04:33,121 There were so many things that I wanted to tell her. 105 00:04:33,145 --> 00:04:35,906 You ever thought how weird it would be if you just gave up your thumb? 106 00:04:36,315 --> 00:04:38,251 You just didn't have a thumb. I mean, how would you give a thumbs up? 107 00:04:38,275 --> 00:04:39,401 Just like this? 108 00:04:39,484 --> 00:04:41,170 I think a guy died in the building, 'cause one day 109 00:04:41,194 --> 00:04:43,354 in the dumpster is a bunch of clothes that just fit me. 110 00:04:43,405 --> 00:04:46,491 What I like to do now is take the Underground, yeah? 111 00:04:46,575 --> 00:04:48,744 Spend my quid. Cheers? 112 00:04:49,995 --> 00:04:52,080 Oh, crap. This is her. 113 00:04:52,497 --> 00:04:53,874 She thinks I cheated, Jess. 114 00:04:53,957 --> 00:04:56,835 You know who you should talk to? Berkley. 115 00:04:56,919 --> 00:04:59,296 He's so good at this stuff, friendship, closure. 116 00:04:59,379 --> 00:05:01,882 Actually, he did write a book about it. It's an e-book. 117 00:05:01,965 --> 00:05:04,468 I gave it four stars, but it kind of falls apart at the end. 118 00:05:04,551 --> 00:05:07,012 He goes into God in a way I don't think he needs to. 119 00:05:07,387 --> 00:05:08,489 You know what? I'm gonna text him? 120 00:05:08,513 --> 00:05:12,184 Why would I talk to your ex-boyfriend about my ex-girlfriend? 121 00:05:12,267 --> 00:05:13,661 - Well, you need his help. - You're right. 122 00:05:13,685 --> 00:05:14,871 - No, no, no. - Give me. Can I see? Can I see? 123 00:05:14,895 --> 00:05:16,229 - Can I see? - Yeah. Yeah. 124 00:05:16,313 --> 00:05:18,833 - "Hey, babe…" Don't call him "babe." - It's just what we call each other. 125 00:05:18,857 --> 00:05:19,900 "BF problems"? 126 00:05:19,983 --> 00:05:21,568 My boyfriend is having problems. 127 00:05:21,652 --> 00:05:23,612 - XOXO? - It's a really common greeting. 128 00:05:23,695 --> 00:05:25,757 "Kissing you, hugging you, kissing you, hugging you"? 129 00:05:25,781 --> 00:05:27,741 What else am I gonna write? "O-O-O"? 130 00:05:27,824 --> 00:05:29,868 That just looks like "Oh…" 131 00:05:29,952 --> 00:05:31,244 You're leading him on, Jess. 132 00:05:31,328 --> 00:05:33,038 - Oh, Nick. - You are. 133 00:05:33,121 --> 00:05:34,599 Berkley's really gonna teach you a lot. 134 00:05:34,623 --> 00:05:38,961 Men don't talk to people they've dated unless they want sex, or they're Winston. 135 00:05:39,336 --> 00:05:40,855 - I also want sex. - Going to Schmidt's. 136 00:05:40,879 --> 00:05:42,547 He's been begging us to all week. 137 00:05:42,923 --> 00:05:44,341 Jess, men are sick. 138 00:05:44,758 --> 00:05:47,594 Look, I'm a relatively good guy, but even I'm a sicko. 139 00:05:47,678 --> 00:05:49,572 Luckily, we have the Internet as a community of… 140 00:05:49,596 --> 00:05:52,140 Oh, this is terrible! 141 00:05:52,224 --> 00:05:55,435 She's quoting scripture, but using tons of cuss words. 142 00:05:55,769 --> 00:05:57,413 - This is as bad as it gets with Caroline. - Okay. 143 00:05:57,437 --> 00:06:00,190 Berkley's around the corner at his baby's world music class. 144 00:06:01,942 --> 00:06:04,194 Okay, you know what? I'm in. 145 00:06:04,278 --> 00:06:05,964 - Great. - What kind of beer does Berkley like? 146 00:06:05,988 --> 00:06:08,198 - He doesn't. - Oh, great. I cannot wait to meet him. 147 00:06:10,993 --> 00:06:12,327 Fellas. You made it. 148 00:06:12,411 --> 00:06:14,454 As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub. 149 00:06:14,538 --> 00:06:15,831 Yup. 150 00:06:15,914 --> 00:06:17,457 Probably get ham. 151 00:06:17,541 --> 00:06:19,668 Wow, man. 152 00:06:19,751 --> 00:06:21,503 - It's nice inside of here, man. - Yeah. 153 00:06:21,587 --> 00:06:22,963 It's like a European airport. 154 00:06:23,046 --> 00:06:25,257 Oh, what's that? Uh, you want to watch the game? 155 00:06:25,340 --> 00:06:27,301 Which one? Basketball? Football? 156 00:06:27,384 --> 00:06:28,385 Of Thrones? 157 00:06:30,387 --> 00:06:31,597 That is awesome, man. 158 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,056 Look at this place, Schmidt. 159 00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:34,600 You got so many plush surfaces. 160 00:06:34,683 --> 00:06:36,536 Well, there are 15 different bang spots in here, 161 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,563 each one specifically designated to its own sexual position. 162 00:06:39,646 --> 00:06:40,939 - Mmm. - That's standing, 163 00:06:41,023 --> 00:06:42,774 this is sitting, that's diagonal. 164 00:06:42,858 --> 00:06:44,026 That's how I do it. 165 00:06:44,109 --> 00:06:45,277 The "Why? Why? Because." 166 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,862 The "Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel." 167 00:06:46,945 --> 00:06:49,031 The "Red Beanbag Chair." 168 00:06:49,281 --> 00:06:51,092 Which is pretty obvious, but, you know, that's a good one. 169 00:06:51,116 --> 00:06:52,451 The "Glass Menagerie." 170 00:06:52,534 --> 00:06:53,619 - The "Bike Share." - Nice. 171 00:06:53,702 --> 00:06:55,829 - The "Backwards Oops." - What is "backwards oops"? 172 00:06:55,912 --> 00:06:57,664 When you don't want to put it… Mmm. 173 00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,684 - You don't know what it means. - I mean, I don't… 174 00:06:59,708 --> 00:07:01,001 I've done it, I've done it, 175 00:07:01,084 --> 00:07:03,503 but I didn't know I was doing it. You know, it was… 176 00:07:03,587 --> 00:07:05,964 Super cool, dude. I wish I had my own place. 177 00:07:06,048 --> 00:07:08,300 Guys, mi casa es su casa. 178 00:07:08,383 --> 00:07:09,885 - I even made you guys keys. - What? 179 00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,762 - Check these out. - That one's yours. 180 00:07:11,845 --> 00:07:14,157 - Aw, it looks like a guitar. - Yeah, that's 'cause you're rocking. 181 00:07:14,181 --> 00:07:15,432 Mine's a… 182 00:07:15,515 --> 00:07:17,142 It's a rainbow kissing a star. 183 00:07:17,225 --> 00:07:18,977 - You like it? - Blah! 184 00:07:19,061 --> 00:07:21,605 - Yeah. - Guys, hang out here anytime you want. 185 00:07:21,688 --> 00:07:23,148 - Even now. Who's thirsty? - Thanks. 186 00:07:23,231 --> 00:07:24,358 - Right there. - Dude! 187 00:07:24,441 --> 00:07:25,525 - Shut up! - Damn, man. 188 00:07:25,609 --> 00:07:27,361 You're like James Bond. 189 00:07:27,444 --> 00:07:29,237 But I'll be… I'll be Moneypenny, for sure. 190 00:07:29,321 --> 00:07:30,906 - Yeah. - Wait, which one is Moneypenny? 191 00:07:30,989 --> 00:07:32,324 It's the woman. 192 00:07:32,407 --> 00:07:33,450 Oh. 193 00:07:35,577 --> 00:07:38,181 So, did the store have that, uh, bamboo highchair you were looking for? 194 00:07:38,205 --> 00:07:41,166 No, not the one I wanted. So I think I'm just gonna… 195 00:07:41,625 --> 00:07:43,335 Order it online. 196 00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:46,255 - You still got it. - You still got it. 197 00:07:46,338 --> 00:07:48,218 Big deal, I've been online, too. I still got it. 198 00:07:48,465 --> 00:07:49,841 It's different. 199 00:07:50,842 --> 00:07:51,969 So, this is the problem. 200 00:07:52,302 --> 00:07:54,596 Nick didn't tell his ex that we were together, 201 00:07:55,055 --> 00:07:57,474 and she found out, and now she's really, really upset. 202 00:07:57,557 --> 00:07:58,976 This is the scariest one yet. 203 00:07:59,059 --> 00:08:00,560 It's just a bunch of smiley faces. 204 00:08:00,644 --> 00:08:03,438 Okay, um, not to be all guy with a baby, 205 00:08:03,522 --> 00:08:06,733 but, uh, exes are really a lot like newborns, okay? 206 00:08:06,817 --> 00:08:08,902 The burps can be so yucky, 207 00:08:08,986 --> 00:08:11,405 - but you know what comes after a burp? - What? 208 00:08:11,488 --> 00:08:12,990 A big old smile. 209 00:08:13,490 --> 00:08:14,491 Aw. 210 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,994 What the hell are you talking about? 211 00:08:17,077 --> 00:08:18,203 It was a metaphor, Nick. 212 00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:19,767 It was a classic fatherhood metaphor. 213 00:08:19,830 --> 00:08:24,293 No, my point is you just need to face her and let her get it all off her chest. 214 00:08:24,376 --> 00:08:25,603 Oh, I feel like I've done that. 215 00:08:25,627 --> 00:08:26,670 No, you didn't. 216 00:08:26,753 --> 00:08:29,506 You just talked and talked about nothing for 30 minutes. 217 00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:31,967 Okay, look, I know it's hard, I know that, man. 218 00:08:32,050 --> 00:08:33,719 I'm here and I'm hearing it. 219 00:08:33,802 --> 00:08:35,029 I mean, when Jess and I did this, 220 00:08:35,053 --> 00:08:37,431 I think we cried for, like… Two days? 221 00:08:37,514 --> 00:08:39,016 I mean, at least. But look. 222 00:08:39,099 --> 00:08:41,935 Now I have such a good friend, and we talk all the time, 223 00:08:42,019 --> 00:08:43,219 and he's such a good listener. 224 00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:44,771 Say what? I can't hear you. 225 00:08:49,818 --> 00:08:51,028 Is this real? 226 00:08:51,570 --> 00:08:53,631 You guys saw each other naked, and now you're friends? 227 00:08:53,655 --> 00:08:56,825 Yes, it's the purest form of friendship. Straight Leno and Eubanks. 228 00:08:59,745 --> 00:09:01,747 I just want to say you're incredible, 229 00:09:01,830 --> 00:09:04,583 and I'm so lucky to have you in my life. 230 00:09:06,752 --> 00:09:08,378 Okay, I took your advice. 231 00:09:08,462 --> 00:09:10,005 What do we got? 232 00:09:10,714 --> 00:09:13,759 "My bad. Let's be friends, 'kay?" 233 00:09:13,842 --> 00:09:15,594 Smooth, but tough. 234 00:09:15,677 --> 00:09:16,678 That's not good, Nick. 235 00:09:17,179 --> 00:09:20,432 Friendship is a, um… It's like a beautiful flower. 236 00:09:20,515 --> 00:09:22,017 You have to nourish it, okay? 237 00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,745 - You can't just buy it at a store. - All right. 238 00:09:23,769 --> 00:09:26,396 First of all, it was a draft, okay, and I'll fix it. 239 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,232 And second of all, with all due respect, 240 00:09:29,316 --> 00:09:32,194 you can buy a flower at a store. 241 00:09:32,694 --> 00:09:34,488 Millered! 242 00:09:36,198 --> 00:09:38,700 I know as an angel you usually sleep in heaven, 243 00:09:38,784 --> 00:09:41,036 but would you care to spend the evening at my place? 244 00:09:41,370 --> 00:09:43,455 I think maybe I would. 245 00:09:43,538 --> 00:09:45,374 Fantastic choice. 246 00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:47,251 Here's my address. 247 00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:49,586 There's usually no place to park. 248 00:09:50,963 --> 00:09:53,674 - Well, so where would I… - You're a big girl. 249 00:09:53,757 --> 00:09:55,384 You'll figure it out. 250 00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:02,432 Uh, just try south of Sixth. 251 00:10:02,516 --> 00:10:04,327 There's usually a string of open spaces down there. 252 00:10:04,351 --> 00:10:07,896 And there's not a right turn on red on Fifth… Just FYI. 253 00:10:09,564 --> 00:10:11,024 Okay, here's the deal. 254 00:10:11,108 --> 00:10:13,127 I've been wanting to end things with Claire for years now. 255 00:10:13,151 --> 00:10:14,504 And I'm gonna do it, it's gonna take one phone call. 256 00:10:14,528 --> 00:10:15,570 What? 257 00:10:15,654 --> 00:10:17,006 She's gonna burn all my clothes on the lawn. I don't care. 258 00:10:17,030 --> 00:10:18,490 I only want to wear Henleys anyways. 259 00:10:18,573 --> 00:10:20,409 Jess, we can finally be together. 260 00:10:20,492 --> 00:10:23,245 What? Wait, no, but leave your wife? 261 00:10:23,328 --> 00:10:25,539 For you. I'm gonna leave my wife for you. 262 00:10:25,622 --> 00:10:26,873 Wait, what? 263 00:10:26,957 --> 00:10:28,393 "Thank you for being so incredible." 264 00:10:28,417 --> 00:10:30,460 "So lucky to have you in my life"? 265 00:10:30,544 --> 00:10:32,170 - Jess. - Mmm-mmm. 266 00:10:32,254 --> 00:10:34,047 - When you said those words, I knew. - No. 267 00:10:34,131 --> 00:10:36,800 Berkley, there's been a fundamental misunderstanding here. 268 00:10:36,883 --> 00:10:39,303 You know the last time Claire thanked me for anything? 269 00:10:39,386 --> 00:10:42,014 It was when I was pulling out her chair at our wedding. 270 00:10:42,097 --> 00:10:44,016 - No… - She doesn't appreciate me like you do. 271 00:10:44,099 --> 00:10:45,684 No, it's not happening. No, no… 272 00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:48,895 Aah! Damn it, Winston! Oh, God. 273 00:10:48,979 --> 00:10:51,139 Pretend this is attached, and there's water coming out. 274 00:10:51,189 --> 00:10:53,025 Okay. 275 00:10:53,942 --> 00:10:55,027 No, not like that. 276 00:10:56,737 --> 00:10:59,573 It's not sexual! No! I'm not feeding you water! 277 00:10:59,656 --> 00:11:00,741 - Wet my mouth. - No! 278 00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:03,201 Oh, hi. 279 00:11:03,285 --> 00:11:04,786 - Are you Schmidt's friend? - What? 280 00:11:04,870 --> 00:11:06,204 Schmidt's friend? 281 00:11:06,288 --> 00:11:09,333 Where you at? 'Cause I'm ready to ea… 282 00:11:09,416 --> 00:11:10,417 Hey! 283 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,878 My good friend… Frank… 284 00:11:13,378 --> 00:11:14,671 Scabopolis! 285 00:11:14,755 --> 00:11:16,475 Ah, give me a hug, you Greek son of a bitch! 286 00:11:16,548 --> 00:11:17,674 - Come here! - What? 287 00:11:20,969 --> 00:11:22,095 Where is this coming from? 288 00:11:22,179 --> 00:11:23,931 You. The phone calls, the texts, 289 00:11:24,014 --> 00:11:26,850 "Boyfriend problems," "I need you," hugs, kisses. 290 00:11:26,934 --> 00:11:28,352 - What? - More hugs, more kisses. 291 00:11:28,435 --> 00:11:29,811 - I… - You have been setting up 292 00:11:29,895 --> 00:11:32,356 dominoes for 10 years. And now they are falling. 293 00:11:32,439 --> 00:11:33,941 - You have a baby, sir! - I know. 294 00:11:34,024 --> 00:11:36,360 And you are gonna make such a good stepmom. 295 00:11:36,443 --> 00:11:37,945 I love you, Jessica. 296 00:11:38,028 --> 00:11:41,198 God, it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife. 297 00:11:41,281 --> 00:11:44,117 - Guys, I need your help. - You, hey! 298 00:11:44,201 --> 00:11:46,578 Nick was right about you, and he can't know that, 299 00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,502 - so put a sock in it! - What is wrong with me? 300 00:11:48,580 --> 00:11:49,790 - Hi. - Hey. 301 00:11:49,873 --> 00:11:51,851 I keep trying to write to Caroline, but I'm choking. 302 00:11:51,875 --> 00:11:53,877 I can't get past "What's up, C?" 303 00:11:53,961 --> 00:11:55,379 Oh, that's her. 304 00:11:55,462 --> 00:11:57,214 It says, "Come the window, friend." Friend. 305 00:11:57,589 --> 00:11:59,789 - That's good. That's good. - That's a good thing. Yeah. 306 00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:02,094 Caroline! Hey! 307 00:12:02,177 --> 00:12:05,430 You cheat on me and then you want to be friends? 308 00:12:05,514 --> 00:12:07,182 I'm just writing you an email! 309 00:12:07,266 --> 00:12:08,809 It's not sending! 310 00:12:08,892 --> 00:12:11,353 Look, I'm gonna throw it down, but I need my phone back! 311 00:12:11,436 --> 00:12:13,605 - We talk now! - Caroline! Hey! 312 00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,190 Stop! 313 00:12:15,274 --> 00:12:16,358 Really excited to… 314 00:12:16,441 --> 00:12:17,985 - No! - Talk to you guys. 315 00:12:18,068 --> 00:12:19,653 Hey, stop! That's not my car! 316 00:12:19,736 --> 00:12:21,989 Tell Jess I said hi. 317 00:12:22,823 --> 00:12:25,033 No, Caroline, I parked down the street! 318 00:12:25,575 --> 00:12:27,536 It… Why am I telling you? 319 00:12:31,123 --> 00:12:33,333 At least she can't get into the building. 320 00:12:33,792 --> 00:12:35,168 Okay, what am I gonna do here? 321 00:12:35,586 --> 00:12:36,878 She cut off the power. 322 00:12:36,962 --> 00:12:38,273 No, Nick, that was you. You turned off the light. 323 00:12:38,297 --> 00:12:39,657 All the other lights are still on. 324 00:12:40,132 --> 00:12:41,425 My bad. Thank you. 325 00:12:42,050 --> 00:12:43,635 I know you're scared. Let me be brave. 326 00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,220 You should go because you have a wife 327 00:12:45,304 --> 00:12:47,347 and you have a baby and you love them. 328 00:12:47,431 --> 00:12:49,391 Jess, what are you, crazy? 329 00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:51,327 It's not safe out there. Berkley can't go. 330 00:12:51,351 --> 00:12:52,537 - He stays here. - I don't think that… 331 00:12:52,561 --> 00:12:54,688 - Thank you, Nick. - You're very welcome. 332 00:12:54,771 --> 00:12:56,815 I'll be with you in just one second, all right? 333 00:12:56,898 --> 00:12:58,501 - Mmm-hmm. - And don't drink the water by the bed. 334 00:12:58,525 --> 00:13:00,152 It's got my contacts in it. 335 00:13:00,235 --> 00:13:02,404 Okay. 336 00:13:03,155 --> 00:13:04,835 - What are you doing? - What are you doing? 337 00:13:05,198 --> 00:13:07,838 And tell her that I'd like to be reimbursed for those strawberries. 338 00:13:07,909 --> 00:13:09,721 - What? Dude. - Why is she calling you Schmidt? 339 00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,514 I told her my name was Schmidt in case we saw your mail. 340 00:13:11,538 --> 00:13:13,040 I don't just leave mail out. 341 00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:15,000 This isn't a small business. Get out. 342 00:13:15,083 --> 00:13:17,210 Dude, I'm about to seal the deal. I'm not getting out. 343 00:13:17,294 --> 00:13:19,004 I'm about to… I'm… I'm a deal sealer. 344 00:13:19,087 --> 00:13:22,087 I'm about to get some squish, dude, and you need to not get in between that. 345 00:13:22,132 --> 00:13:23,401 I'm about to nail it into the wall. 346 00:13:23,425 --> 00:13:25,761 Dude, I'm about to take down that va-dragon. 347 00:13:25,844 --> 00:13:28,972 I'm about to pin the tail on the va-donkey, dude. 348 00:13:29,056 --> 00:13:30,450 You better not stand in the way of this. 349 00:13:30,474 --> 00:13:32,601 Don't call her a va-donkey. I don't even know her well 350 00:13:32,684 --> 00:13:34,078 and I want her to leave, but please don't call her 351 00:13:34,102 --> 00:13:35,371 - a va-d… Va-donkey. - I won't. All right. 352 00:13:35,395 --> 00:13:37,606 Please. I need this. 353 00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:40,984 Okay, fine. I will use the guest room. 354 00:13:41,068 --> 00:13:42,945 - Yes. - Like an animal. 355 00:13:44,112 --> 00:13:45,155 Oh, yes. 356 00:13:45,656 --> 00:13:47,616 Oh! Winston! What are you doing? 357 00:13:47,699 --> 00:13:49,034 Oh, we were just playing a game. 358 00:13:49,117 --> 00:13:50,994 You know, Bad Cop, Black Cop? 359 00:13:51,578 --> 00:13:52,746 It's me, Bertie! 360 00:13:59,753 --> 00:14:02,506 Um, I might have been wrong about some things, 361 00:14:02,589 --> 00:14:05,550 - um, some Berkley things. - Hey, the screaming stopped. 362 00:14:05,634 --> 00:14:07,261 I knew she'd run out of gas. 363 00:14:07,344 --> 00:14:08,428 - "My bad"? - What? 364 00:14:08,512 --> 00:14:10,055 "Let's be friends, 'kay"? 365 00:14:10,138 --> 00:14:12,266 You couldn't even write out "okay"? 366 00:14:12,349 --> 00:14:15,018 It's go time, Nick. Time to break out that burp cloth. 367 00:14:15,394 --> 00:14:17,729 Jess, let's give him some space… by going to a motel. 368 00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,439 I don't love you. 369 00:14:20,232 --> 00:14:21,751 I got a slight beer buzz. Let's do it. 370 00:14:21,775 --> 00:14:23,544 - Yeah, don't go. - I thought you wanted me to talk to her. 371 00:14:23,568 --> 00:14:26,530 - Don't go right now. - I'm sorry. You don't love me? 372 00:14:26,613 --> 00:14:29,283 - Say it again? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 373 00:14:29,366 --> 00:14:32,953 - Oh… What? - Then why have you led me on for 10 years? 374 00:14:33,036 --> 00:14:34,538 Oh, hell on Earth no! 375 00:14:34,621 --> 00:14:36,707 Oh, my God, I was right. 376 00:14:36,790 --> 00:14:38,792 - He wants to bone you. - Oh, come on, Nick! 377 00:14:39,668 --> 00:14:41,128 Caroline, I'll be right there. 378 00:14:41,211 --> 00:14:43,130 I'm so sorry, Berkley. You got cut off. 379 00:14:43,213 --> 00:14:44,298 - Thank you, sir. - No. 380 00:14:44,381 --> 00:14:45,882 May, 2004. 381 00:14:45,966 --> 00:14:48,552 You brushed my hand at a Dave Matthews concert 382 00:14:48,635 --> 00:14:50,512 - during Two Step. - "Two Step"? 383 00:14:50,596 --> 00:14:52,636 - Oh, my God. - Or that time that I helped you move, 384 00:14:52,681 --> 00:14:54,200 and I came over, I was wearing sweatpants. 385 00:14:54,224 --> 00:14:56,268 You couldn't stop staring at my rig. 386 00:14:56,351 --> 00:14:57,477 She loves looking at rigs. 387 00:14:57,561 --> 00:14:59,980 - Why are you calling it a rig? - You're doing it again. 388 00:15:00,063 --> 00:15:01,398 One second, Caroline! 389 00:15:01,481 --> 00:15:03,066 Open this door! 390 00:15:08,113 --> 00:15:10,115 You think I wear this sweater because I like it? 391 00:15:10,198 --> 00:15:12,176 - It's a handsome sweater. - That's right, I love you. 392 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,910 - No! - What do you mean, no? 393 00:15:13,994 --> 00:15:15,162 - I don't want no. - Ooh! 394 00:15:15,245 --> 00:15:17,372 Open the door! Come on! 395 00:15:17,456 --> 00:15:18,624 Schmidt? 396 00:15:18,707 --> 00:15:20,834 You said to me that I was incredible 397 00:15:20,918 --> 00:15:22,598 and you were so lucky, and now here we are, 398 00:15:22,669 --> 00:15:24,647 we're trying to hook up Nick with his ex-girlfriend. 399 00:15:24,671 --> 00:15:25,982 I mean, that's what this is, right? 400 00:15:26,006 --> 00:15:27,066 - That's not what we're doing. - No, it isn't. 401 00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:28,508 So let's just do it, come on. 402 00:15:28,592 --> 00:15:30,802 - Hey, hey, Berkley, Berkley! - Oh, no! No, no! 403 00:15:30,886 --> 00:15:32,596 - No, what are you doing? - Oh, no. 404 00:15:33,055 --> 00:15:34,598 - 'Kay! - Oh, hey! 405 00:15:34,681 --> 00:15:37,184 - Car-o-line. - Yeah… 406 00:15:38,226 --> 00:15:40,187 You stole my boyfriend. 407 00:15:44,942 --> 00:15:46,151 Schmidt? 408 00:15:46,234 --> 00:15:47,361 Be right there! 409 00:15:47,694 --> 00:15:50,113 That should buy us some time. Coach, you stay with your girl, 410 00:15:50,197 --> 00:15:51,907 who thinks that you're me, in my bedroom. 411 00:15:51,990 --> 00:15:53,635 Winston, you stay in the guest room with Bertie 412 00:15:53,659 --> 00:15:54,844 doing whatever the hell it is you guys are doing. 413 00:15:54,868 --> 00:15:56,703 - Gross. - I'm gonna keep Sarah… 414 00:15:56,787 --> 00:15:58,372 Almost there! 415 00:15:58,455 --> 00:16:00,055 I'm gonna keep Sarah in the living room, 416 00:16:00,082 --> 00:16:02,626 using one of the living-dining- open-floor-plan bang spots. 417 00:16:02,709 --> 00:16:06,755 Now, no exits, no entrances, no Noises Off baloney. Capeesh? 418 00:16:07,422 --> 00:16:08,524 - Confirm my capeesh! - Capeesh! 419 00:16:08,548 --> 00:16:10,968 Let's go. Do it. All right. 420 00:16:11,051 --> 00:16:12,678 - Guys, guys! - Right. 421 00:16:12,761 --> 00:16:15,222 This is the exact type of baloney that I'm talking about. 422 00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:17,182 Unbelievable. Guys, guys! 423 00:16:18,225 --> 00:16:19,745 I'm really glad that we're doing this. 424 00:16:20,143 --> 00:16:21,770 - Okay. - All right. 425 00:16:21,853 --> 00:16:23,563 I did not steal your boyfriend. 426 00:16:23,647 --> 00:16:24,898 Timeline. Now. 427 00:16:24,982 --> 00:16:28,110 Okay, um, you and Nick break up. 428 00:16:28,193 --> 00:16:29,611 London has a great Olympics. 429 00:16:29,695 --> 00:16:31,071 Uh-oh, trouble in Syria. 430 00:16:31,154 --> 00:16:34,199 Board up your windows. Superstorm Sandy. 431 00:16:35,450 --> 00:16:37,869 Hey, over here. Me and Nick get together. 432 00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:39,555 And here's that beautiful Sunday in the park 433 00:16:39,579 --> 00:16:41,182 that you and I went to, and we have a wonderful Sunday. 434 00:16:41,206 --> 00:16:43,041 - Shut up, Berkley! - No, you shut up, Jess. 435 00:16:43,125 --> 00:16:45,562 - Don't take this out on Jess. - Oh, oh, right, it's the beginning, 436 00:16:45,586 --> 00:16:47,087 so you're being all supportive now. 437 00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:48,850 He's still trying. I mean, I bet he's still 438 00:16:48,922 --> 00:16:50,340 laughing at all your jokes, right? 439 00:16:50,424 --> 00:16:53,218 Well… I have a great instinct for comedy. 440 00:16:53,302 --> 00:16:55,113 All right, well, you know what, you enjoy all that 441 00:16:55,137 --> 00:16:57,639 while it lasts, because I'll tell you what. 442 00:16:57,723 --> 00:17:00,183 It's not gonna be long before he stops 443 00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:02,644 holding your hand and starts high-fiving you 444 00:17:02,728 --> 00:17:05,272 and he stops letting you be the little spoon and he starts 445 00:17:05,355 --> 00:17:08,150 drifting off during important conversations. 446 00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:09,693 Are you listening right now? 447 00:17:11,236 --> 00:17:12,988 - What's that? - Seriously, Nick? 448 00:17:13,071 --> 00:17:16,533 Jess, you're the girlfriend now, but one day you're gonna be the ex. 449 00:17:17,451 --> 00:17:20,621 And two years after he breaks up with you, he still won't tell you why. 450 00:17:23,373 --> 00:17:26,710 Um, okay, well, um… This has been a really, um, 451 00:17:26,793 --> 00:17:29,087 neat talk, so, um… 452 00:17:29,713 --> 00:17:33,550 I'm gonna go sit in the shower, 453 00:17:33,634 --> 00:17:35,969 and, um, go over the greatest hits in my mind. 454 00:17:36,053 --> 00:17:38,680 I'll just be right here, picturing the whole sudsy thing. 455 00:17:38,764 --> 00:17:41,200 Hey, hey, homeboy, I'm right here. How about a little respect? 456 00:17:41,224 --> 00:17:43,560 I know. What, you… This is obviously happening. 457 00:17:43,644 --> 00:17:45,812 - No, it's not! - Where's your brain? 458 00:17:48,690 --> 00:17:49,900 Hey, Jess, you okay? 459 00:17:53,612 --> 00:17:54,821 No. 460 00:17:56,114 --> 00:17:58,784 This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. 461 00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:01,495 I've led a very fortunate life. 462 00:18:01,828 --> 00:18:04,206 - Look, Jess, you were right. - No, you were right. 463 00:18:04,748 --> 00:18:05,958 I feel like such a fool. 464 00:18:06,917 --> 00:18:08,460 You were right about everything. 465 00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:09,753 No, I wasn't. 466 00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:12,589 Caroline deserves to know why I left. 467 00:18:13,799 --> 00:18:14,925 And you should hear, too. 468 00:18:19,763 --> 00:18:22,367 - I'm thirsty! Stop! Let me go, boy! - What the… No, no, no, come, come… 469 00:18:22,391 --> 00:18:23,892 Whoa! 470 00:18:23,976 --> 00:18:25,102 Who the hell are you? 471 00:18:25,185 --> 00:18:27,020 Who the hell are you? 472 00:18:27,104 --> 00:18:28,522 - Schmidt. - What? 473 00:18:28,605 --> 00:18:31,233 Frank Scabopolis is up in here making out with some bitch. 474 00:18:31,316 --> 00:18:32,609 That's not necessary. 475 00:18:32,693 --> 00:18:34,152 I mean… Who's Frank Scabopolis? 476 00:18:34,236 --> 00:18:36,488 - Aren't you Schmidt? - I… I am Schmidt. 477 00:18:36,571 --> 00:18:38,573 - I thought you were Schmidt. - I am Schmidt. 478 00:18:38,657 --> 00:18:40,867 - Uh… - Uh, we're brothers. 479 00:18:40,951 --> 00:18:43,036 We are, we're brothers. What an upbringing that was. 480 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:46,039 Yeah, same mom, different dads. One browner. 481 00:18:46,415 --> 00:18:49,376 Then who the hell is Frank Scabopolis? 482 00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:50,961 Yeah. 483 00:18:51,044 --> 00:18:53,380 I am Frank Scabopolis! 484 00:18:55,424 --> 00:18:57,551 Is this helping, Schmidt? I forgot the plan. 485 00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:59,928 - Winston, please shut up. - Plan? What plan? 486 00:19:00,012 --> 00:19:02,097 I… there's no plan. I know nothing about a plan. 487 00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:06,184 Is this some little nasty group sex games y'all got going on up in here? 488 00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:08,854 Been a couple years, but… I'm down. 489 00:19:08,937 --> 00:19:10,272 I didn't want to know that. 490 00:19:10,355 --> 00:19:11,356 I am out of here. 491 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,275 - I'm way ahead of you. - No, no, please! 492 00:19:13,358 --> 00:19:16,069 Sarah, please, wait! I can… Ugh. 493 00:19:16,153 --> 00:19:17,821 Just… 494 00:19:18,238 --> 00:19:20,407 Well, I'm gonna go back to bed. 495 00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:23,410 Schmidt, that mattress is heaven. 496 00:19:23,493 --> 00:19:24,745 It's pretty good. 497 00:19:26,246 --> 00:19:27,414 See? 498 00:19:27,497 --> 00:19:30,125 You don't think I'm scary, do you, baby? 499 00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:31,251 - Oh, whoa! - Oh! 500 00:19:31,335 --> 00:19:32,336 No. Hey, no. 501 00:19:32,419 --> 00:19:33,629 - I was just kidding. - No. 502 00:19:33,712 --> 00:19:35,523 Hey, Caroline, there's something I need to say. 503 00:19:35,547 --> 00:19:37,799 - Nick, you don't have to do this. - No, I… I do. 504 00:19:37,883 --> 00:19:40,928 Look, I never cheated on you, but I might as well have. 505 00:19:42,429 --> 00:19:45,149 See, I fell in love with Jess the moment she walked through the door. 506 00:19:46,266 --> 00:19:48,060 - Boo! - Really? 507 00:19:48,602 --> 00:19:49,645 Sorry. 508 00:19:50,395 --> 00:19:51,980 The moment I walked through the door? 509 00:19:52,564 --> 00:19:53,732 Really? 510 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,526 'Cause I thought I annoyed you. 511 00:19:56,610 --> 00:19:57,962 - Can we do this later, please? - Yeah, okay. 512 00:19:57,986 --> 00:19:59,088 - It's just not a great… Yeah. - Got it, yup. 513 00:19:59,112 --> 00:20:01,990 - Got it. - Caroline, she's the reason that I left. 514 00:20:03,408 --> 00:20:05,035 I always thought that it was Jess. 515 00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:08,205 I'm glad I'm not crazy. 516 00:20:09,122 --> 00:20:10,582 - Well… - Hmm. 517 00:20:10,999 --> 00:20:12,292 Thanks for telling me the truth. 518 00:20:12,376 --> 00:20:14,056 Oh, I'm just sorry it didn't happen sooner. 519 00:20:14,127 --> 00:20:15,407 - Don't touch me. - I'm so sorry. 520 00:20:16,088 --> 00:20:18,840 - I was kidding. - There's that famous Milwaukee humor. 521 00:20:18,924 --> 00:20:21,343 - I'm not from Milwaukee. - You honestly scare me. 522 00:20:21,927 --> 00:20:23,887 - Goodbye, Nick. - Bye. 523 00:20:24,554 --> 00:20:27,015 Hey. Look, Berkley, um, 524 00:20:27,099 --> 00:20:29,977 I'm so sorry that you got the wrong idea about us. 525 00:20:31,311 --> 00:20:32,938 You were right. 526 00:20:33,021 --> 00:20:34,856 I did play some part in it. 527 00:20:35,399 --> 00:20:36,566 Thank you. 528 00:20:37,776 --> 00:20:39,319 - Good luck, Jessica. - Thanks. 529 00:20:40,153 --> 00:20:42,364 See you later, bud. 530 00:20:43,323 --> 00:20:44,759 I really don't want to go back to my wife. 531 00:20:44,783 --> 00:20:46,261 Do you guys want to play cards or something… 532 00:20:46,285 --> 00:20:47,953 - Go. Just go. - Get out of here. 533 00:20:54,668 --> 00:20:56,545 The moment I walked through that door, huh? 534 00:20:56,628 --> 00:20:57,629 Just be cool about it. 535 00:20:57,713 --> 00:21:00,007 'Cause for me, it was way later. 536 00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:01,401 - Yeah, I know. - Like, a lot later… 537 00:21:01,425 --> 00:21:03,343 Oh, come here already. 538 00:21:04,428 --> 00:21:05,738 You could use that for something. 539 00:21:05,762 --> 00:21:07,240 - That's the "Glass Menagerie." - Yeah. 540 00:21:07,264 --> 00:21:09,534 - I'll sit her down right on top of that. - Oh, absolutely. 541 00:21:09,558 --> 00:21:11,143 The, uh, "Star 68." 542 00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:13,645 - Where's that at? Oh. - Right there on that pillow. 543 00:21:13,729 --> 00:21:14,938 - Wow. - The "Jumanji." 544 00:21:15,022 --> 00:21:16,690 Yeah, you do the… The "U Lock" on here. 545 00:21:16,773 --> 00:21:17,858 That'd be cool. 546 00:21:17,941 --> 00:21:19,151 The "Jean-Michel Basquiat." 547 00:21:19,234 --> 00:21:21,486 - Oh, okay. - The "Fabric Softener." 548 00:21:21,570 --> 00:21:23,071 That's the "Kansas City Shaker." 549 00:21:23,155 --> 00:21:24,781 - This, right here? I like that. - Yeah. 550 00:21:24,865 --> 00:21:26,408 Back there, that's the "Nia Vardalos." 551 00:21:26,491 --> 00:21:28,702 - Ooh. That's nice, dude. - Nice. 552 00:21:28,785 --> 00:21:31,288 That one's "Sex on the Rug." 553 00:21:31,371 --> 00:21:32,932 Which is… And, again, it's pretty obvious. 554 00:21:32,956 --> 00:21:34,601 - That's super obvious. - But that's… You know. 555 00:21:34,625 --> 00:21:36,460 Why mess with a classic?