1 00:00:01,066 --> 00:00:02,985 Hey, guys, Bertie's playing it cool. 2 00:00:03,068 --> 00:00:04,194 But you guys coming over 3 00:00:04,278 --> 00:00:05,279 for dinner tonight is 4 00:00:05,362 --> 00:00:06,905 a really big deal to her. 5 00:00:06,989 --> 00:00:09,616 So, be there by 6:00, and no bailing. 6 00:00:09,700 --> 00:00:10,909 Ooh, bailing on dinner. 7 00:00:10,993 --> 00:00:12,035 Nick, I need you. 8 00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:13,287 Wingman sitch. 9 00:00:13,370 --> 00:00:14,455 Jewish girl, sensible nose. 10 00:00:14,538 --> 00:00:15,581 High-level target. 11 00:00:15,664 --> 00:00:16,707 I can't be your wingman. 12 00:00:16,790 --> 00:00:18,083 We got to go this Bertie dinner. 13 00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:19,668 Don't make it seem like a chore, okay? 14 00:00:19,751 --> 00:00:21,587 She is making ten or 11 soups. 15 00:00:21,670 --> 00:00:23,589 And all of them are cream-based. 16 00:00:23,672 --> 00:00:24,882 Cool. 17 00:00:24,965 --> 00:00:26,592 Hey, Mom. 18 00:00:26,675 --> 00:00:28,594 Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt. 19 00:00:28,677 --> 00:00:31,305 I know the morning is the most sensual time of day. 20 00:00:31,388 --> 00:00:33,015 But, um, I need you. It's your sister. 21 00:00:33,098 --> 00:00:35,058 Abby? What is it? 22 00:00:35,142 --> 00:00:37,853 She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego. 23 00:00:37,936 --> 00:00:39,038 How's everything with your sister? 24 00:00:39,062 --> 00:00:40,290 I mean, she was caught stealing, 25 00:00:40,314 --> 00:00:41,857 they called the cops, it's a mess. 26 00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:44,276 Imagine me next door with a, with a nice Jewish girl. 27 00:00:44,359 --> 00:00:45,962 - Hey, Jess has a sister? - Yeah, I've never met her. 28 00:00:45,986 --> 00:00:47,279 I need you to go to the jail, 29 00:00:47,362 --> 00:00:48,989 pick her up and put her on a plane home. 30 00:00:49,072 --> 00:00:51,074 - Oh, that's fabulous. - And by the way, um… 31 00:00:51,158 --> 00:00:52,510 I don't know what kind of jail this is. 32 00:00:52,534 --> 00:00:53,869 So be prepared for anything. 33 00:00:53,952 --> 00:00:56,079 I mean, wear a shirt you don't love-love. 34 00:00:56,163 --> 00:00:57,623 - Okay. - Love you. 35 00:00:57,706 --> 00:00:59,166 Hi, Nick… 36 00:00:59,249 --> 00:01:02,085 Okay, here, these are all the ladles that I could find. 37 00:01:02,169 --> 00:01:05,005 Ooh, this one is deep. 38 00:01:05,088 --> 00:01:06,840 So, what's up with your sister? 39 00:01:06,924 --> 00:01:08,926 Well, she's coming to town. 40 00:01:09,009 --> 00:01:10,069 - Great! - Oh, yikes, that's… 41 00:01:10,093 --> 00:01:11,428 The best news ever? I know! 42 00:01:11,512 --> 00:01:15,724 It's so, so, so, so, so, so, 43 00:01:15,808 --> 00:01:17,559 so good. 44 00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:19,645 Who's that girl? 45 00:01:19,728 --> 00:01:22,105 Who's that girl? It's Jess. 46 00:01:22,189 --> 00:01:25,526 Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day. 47 00:01:25,609 --> 00:01:27,027 Not mysterious. 48 00:01:27,111 --> 00:01:28,278 Jet setter. 49 00:01:28,362 --> 00:01:29,655 You know, I always imagined her 50 00:01:29,738 --> 00:01:31,448 with a French-speaking black husband, 51 00:01:31,532 --> 00:01:33,659 like a Jerome St. Pierre. 52 00:01:33,742 --> 00:01:34,844 So, I'll probably meet her at the airport 53 00:01:34,868 --> 00:01:35,953 for a little layover hang. 54 00:01:36,078 --> 00:01:37,222 - Why are you ignoring me, Nick? - 'Cause I'm paying 55 00:01:37,246 --> 00:01:38,389 - attention to my girlfriend. - Nick! 56 00:01:38,413 --> 00:01:40,457 There, a reaction! Thank goodness! 57 00:01:40,541 --> 00:01:41,917 Now I know I'm not a ghost. 58 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,436 - All right, I got to go. - Oh, you're going? 59 00:01:43,460 --> 00:01:45,087 I'll, uh, I, I got to go. 60 00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:46,463 Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jess, Jess! 61 00:01:46,547 --> 00:01:47,840 What if I came with? 62 00:01:47,923 --> 00:01:48,983 Yeah, you know, I don't think 63 00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:50,926 - you two would really get along. - Why not? 64 00:01:51,009 --> 00:01:53,154 Look, I just haven't seen her in a really long time, and… 65 00:01:53,178 --> 00:01:54,972 Jess, I'd like to meet your sister. 66 00:01:56,181 --> 00:01:57,891 Why don't we do this? Um… 67 00:01:57,975 --> 00:01:59,375 Why don't I go pick her up? And then 68 00:01:59,434 --> 00:02:02,271 come meet us for a quick dinner before she leaves? 69 00:02:02,354 --> 00:02:03,814 That would be awesome. 70 00:02:03,897 --> 00:02:04,958 - That's all I was looking for. - Yeah. Okay. 71 00:02:04,982 --> 00:02:06,626 - Winston, we can't make your dinner! - Bye, Winston. 72 00:02:06,650 --> 00:02:07,794 - I'm not gonna be with you. - Okay. 73 00:02:07,818 --> 00:02:09,361 Wait! No, no, no, no! Wait… 74 00:02:09,611 --> 00:02:11,071 Hey, hey. 75 00:02:11,155 --> 00:02:12,906 Are you really letting Nick meet Abby? 76 00:02:12,990 --> 00:02:15,617 Hell, no. I'm going to pick her up from jail. 77 00:02:15,701 --> 00:02:17,077 Like, straight-up jail. 78 00:02:17,161 --> 00:02:19,913 I told Nick he could meet her on her "layover" 79 00:02:19,997 --> 00:02:23,167 but, whoops, her flight got changed. No time. Sorry. 80 00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:25,502 - Bye, Nick! I'll see you later! - I'm out of shampoo! 81 00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:28,130 Gonna use bar soap! But your sister won't know the difference! 82 00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:29,923 Okay! Can't wait for you to meet her! 83 00:02:30,007 --> 00:02:32,176 He's never going to meet her. 84 00:02:33,427 --> 00:02:36,805 Hey, dude. I can't go to this dinner. It's a double date now. 85 00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:38,867 Things are already weird enough between me and Cece. 86 00:02:38,891 --> 00:02:40,201 Because you went on a date two months ago 87 00:02:40,225 --> 00:02:41,768 and she never texted you? 88 00:02:41,852 --> 00:02:42,978 Yeah. 89 00:02:44,354 --> 00:02:46,148 - Be a man, Coach! - All right. 90 00:02:46,231 --> 00:02:49,151 Be there by 6:00 and bring a bottle of wine. 91 00:02:49,234 --> 00:02:52,321 And don't be cheap, either. Bertie is a Somalian. 92 00:02:52,404 --> 00:02:54,156 Okay. 93 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,159 Oh, tidings, Abigail. 94 00:02:57,242 --> 00:02:59,369 I'm Jess's beau. My name is Nicholas. 95 00:02:59,453 --> 00:03:01,163 - It's a pleasure to… - Oh, good God. 96 00:03:01,330 --> 00:03:03,266 - Is that a common barber's comb? - Look, Schmidt, 97 00:03:03,290 --> 00:03:05,268 I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister. 98 00:03:05,292 --> 00:03:07,211 Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, 99 00:03:07,294 --> 00:03:08,837 but here we find ourselves. 100 00:03:08,962 --> 00:03:10,398 What did you come in here to talk to me about? 101 00:03:10,422 --> 00:03:11,757 As I was saying earlier, 102 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,720 I have a very difficult flirting situation here. 103 00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:15,803 I mean, it's a double black diamond: Trees, moguls. 104 00:03:15,886 --> 00:03:17,326 And, as we both know, you're the best 105 00:03:17,387 --> 00:03:18,430 wingman who's ever wung. 106 00:03:18,514 --> 00:03:20,182 Thank you, Schmidt! 107 00:03:20,265 --> 00:03:21,493 I'm almost glad I got in the accident 108 00:03:21,517 --> 00:03:23,310 so we can have more days like this together, 109 00:03:23,393 --> 00:03:25,062 with you helping me through this. 110 00:03:25,145 --> 00:03:27,648 How could a guy so rich be so generous with his time? 111 00:03:27,731 --> 00:03:28,982 Whoa… 112 00:03:29,066 --> 00:03:30,984 Excuse me. Are you the writer 113 00:03:31,068 --> 00:03:34,154 of So You've Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What? 114 00:03:34,238 --> 00:03:36,049 - Incredible. Can I have your autograph? - Of course. 115 00:03:36,073 --> 00:03:37,634 Come on, man. It's a quick party. I'll have you back 116 00:03:37,658 --> 00:03:38,885 - by your little dinner. - Okay, I'll do it, 117 00:03:38,909 --> 00:03:41,370 but as soon as Jess says I've got to go, I'm out. 118 00:03:41,453 --> 00:03:43,264 Thank you very much. For your mitigated support 119 00:03:43,288 --> 00:03:44,474 and tiny portion of your life. 120 00:03:44,498 --> 00:03:45,958 - Sure. - Okay. 121 00:03:47,459 --> 00:03:48,877 Hey, Abby. 122 00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:51,588 Oh, look who came to pick up her big, bad sister. 123 00:03:51,672 --> 00:03:54,258 So, you good to go? Or you gotta sign yearbooks or something? 124 00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:57,094 Bridget stole your gum. 125 00:03:57,177 --> 00:04:00,097 What? You took my Fruity Fruit? 126 00:04:00,180 --> 00:04:02,850 I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! 127 00:04:02,933 --> 00:04:04,059 - Oh, my God. Oh… - Gum? 128 00:04:06,270 --> 00:04:07,646 I want my Fruity Fruit! 129 00:04:07,729 --> 00:04:10,107 I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! 130 00:04:12,317 --> 00:04:14,236 What about the new guy? I want to meet him. 131 00:04:14,319 --> 00:04:16,089 We don't really have time to meet him 'cause I have to take you 132 00:04:16,113 --> 00:04:17,924 to the airport 'cause Mom's already bought you a ticket. 133 00:04:17,948 --> 00:04:20,242 I know all of her credit card information, 134 00:04:20,325 --> 00:04:21,869 - No. - And I can just change it. 135 00:04:21,952 --> 00:04:24,037 - Wait, what are you doing? Wait, no. - Sweet. 136 00:04:24,121 --> 00:04:26,248 Why don't you just for once in your life do something 137 00:04:26,331 --> 00:04:27,875 that you're not supposed to do? 138 00:04:27,958 --> 00:04:30,419 I didn't put the cap back on the honey bear the other day. 139 00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:32,421 - Drive. Drive. Drive. - Oh, my God. No! No! 140 00:04:32,504 --> 00:04:35,215 - No! No! I will not drive unsafely! - Try, try it! 141 00:04:35,299 --> 00:04:37,926 I have a perfect record. Get your hands away from me. 142 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:40,938 - Why don't you want me to meet him? - About. 143 00:04:41,013 --> 00:04:42,931 - Are you embarrassed of me? - I do. No. 144 00:04:43,015 --> 00:04:44,868 - Great. I just got on a later flight. - That's great. 145 00:04:44,892 --> 00:04:48,145 - So excited. - I know. 146 00:04:48,562 --> 00:04:51,064 Did you just start driving really slow? 147 00:04:51,148 --> 00:04:53,501 No, I actually think I'm speeding. I hope there's no coppers around. 148 00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:56,862 Drive faster. 149 00:04:56,945 --> 00:04:59,114 Sorry, sir! Thank you for your service! 150 00:05:02,075 --> 00:05:04,203 You're over my head, I'm outta my mind. 151 00:05:04,286 --> 00:05:06,455 Thinking I was bornin the wrong time… 152 00:05:06,538 --> 00:05:08,749 - What is this place? - It's a bar mitzvah. 153 00:05:08,832 --> 00:05:11,335 I am not watching a kid get circumcised. 154 00:05:11,418 --> 00:05:13,712 The target is Rachael. She's a Hebrew school teacher. 155 00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:15,798 Crashing some random kid's bar mitzvah's 156 00:05:15,881 --> 00:05:16,924 the best way to get her? 157 00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:19,301 Get her on the dance floor… A little bit softer now, 158 00:05:19,384 --> 00:05:22,304 a little bit louder now… Sweep her off her feet, 159 00:05:22,387 --> 00:05:24,157 we'll get married, we'll have a son named Elon. 160 00:05:24,181 --> 00:05:26,367 At his bar mitzvah, I tell the story of how I met his mom 161 00:05:26,391 --> 00:05:28,271 at this bar mitzvah. Not a dry eye in the house. 162 00:05:28,352 --> 00:05:30,729 Jewish continuity, et cetera, et cetera. 163 00:05:30,813 --> 00:05:32,689 Do you realize how long you were just talking? 164 00:05:32,773 --> 00:05:35,317 There she is. Whew! 165 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,796 - A beautiful piece of hamentaschen. - What the hell is hamentaschen? 166 00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:39,530 Problem is, is her dad is my rabbi. 167 00:05:39,613 --> 00:05:42,241 He hates me. So I just need to charm Rachael 168 00:05:42,324 --> 00:05:44,552 before he gets to her and tells her horrible-slash-true things 169 00:05:44,576 --> 00:05:45,577 - about me. - Absolutely. 170 00:05:45,661 --> 00:05:46,662 Oh! Hello! 171 00:05:46,745 --> 00:05:48,705 - What a day. - Oh… 172 00:05:48,789 --> 00:05:51,333 - A special day. - Oh, take my hand. 173 00:05:51,416 --> 00:05:54,545 Take your hand. A special day. 174 00:05:54,628 --> 00:05:56,689 You just wanted to take my hand so you could say that again, didn't you? 175 00:05:56,713 --> 00:05:58,173 - Mmm, I did. - Oh. 176 00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:00,026 I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. 177 00:06:00,050 --> 00:06:03,178 May I take your hand, too? 178 00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:04,822 You can take anything you want, Shirley. 179 00:06:06,431 --> 00:06:08,350 So, yeah, just the 180 00:06:08,433 --> 00:06:11,520 just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight? 181 00:06:11,603 --> 00:06:14,606 Yeah, just, uh… just, just you and me. 182 00:06:14,690 --> 00:06:17,401 Uh, and Bertie. And Winston. 183 00:06:17,484 --> 00:06:20,320 - Just… eating night lunch. - Yeah, like a… you know, 184 00:06:20,404 --> 00:06:22,781 - like a date. But not a date 'cause… - Hmm? 185 00:06:22,865 --> 00:06:24,283 - No. - Yeah. 186 00:06:24,366 --> 00:06:27,077 So, uh… 187 00:06:27,161 --> 00:06:28,954 What is that? Is that a onesie? 188 00:06:29,037 --> 00:06:30,372 Yeah. 189 00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,350 How do you… how do you take it off to use the bathroom? 190 00:06:32,374 --> 00:06:33,917 Mmm… 191 00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:38,297 Whoa. Nice place. 192 00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:40,215 - Oh, my God! - Hey! 193 00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:44,678 - You look, you know, amazing. - You look amazing. Look at you. 194 00:06:44,761 --> 00:06:47,806 Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're not just paper-thin any more. 195 00:06:47,890 --> 00:06:50,684 Oh, my God. You're just the best. 196 00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:53,479 Hello, Hot Cocoa. Whoa. 197 00:06:53,562 --> 00:06:55,939 - What's going on here? - Nothing. 198 00:06:56,023 --> 00:06:57,566 I'm getting a real vibe. 199 00:06:57,649 --> 00:06:58,901 - No. - Mmm, 200 00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:01,653 you want to have sex with her, 201 00:07:01,737 --> 00:07:04,239 you… are not so sure. 202 00:07:06,241 --> 00:07:08,452 If she doesn't want to put out, I will. 203 00:07:08,535 --> 00:07:10,913 - Abby Day. - There you go. 204 00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:13,457 Abby Day, she always says. 205 00:07:13,540 --> 00:07:15,793 The most inappropriate stuff. 206 00:07:15,876 --> 00:07:17,711 You a cappella sing at me one more time, 207 00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:19,463 I'll rip that stupid little dress off you 208 00:07:19,546 --> 00:07:21,048 and shove it down your mouth. 209 00:07:21,131 --> 00:07:22,508 Okay, I'm scared of you. 210 00:07:22,591 --> 00:07:25,385 Let's go in my room… Don't hurt me. 211 00:07:25,469 --> 00:07:27,387 Please don't hurt me. 212 00:07:27,471 --> 00:07:28,551 Damn it. She hasn't called. 213 00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:29,741 Will you put please that away? 214 00:07:29,765 --> 00:07:30,992 We're 30 seconds to curtain here. 215 00:07:31,016 --> 00:07:32,535 I don't want to miss a call from Jess, man. 216 00:07:32,559 --> 00:07:34,269 I need you focused. Are you ready? 217 00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:37,314 Yes. I distract the rabbi while you hit on his daughter. 218 00:07:37,397 --> 00:07:38,565 And action. Go. 219 00:07:40,109 --> 00:07:41,193 Ugh. 220 00:07:41,276 --> 00:07:42,319 What a spread, huh? 221 00:07:42,402 --> 00:07:43,529 - Terrible. - I agree. 222 00:07:43,612 --> 00:07:45,614 Thank God I have pizza in my car. 223 00:07:45,697 --> 00:07:48,117 Yeah, that's very funny. 224 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,552 What's the matter with you? That wasn't a joke. 225 00:07:49,576 --> 00:07:51,370 Who has pizza in their car? 226 00:07:51,453 --> 00:07:52,538 Listen, when I make a joke, 227 00:07:52,621 --> 00:07:53,981 you'll know it. I'm a joke machine. 228 00:07:54,039 --> 00:07:55,958 What are the chances? I love jokes! 229 00:07:56,041 --> 00:07:57,709 Oh, good, okay. 230 00:07:57,793 --> 00:08:01,296 Uh… Oh, did you hear the one about the waiter? 231 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:02,506 - No. - Walks up to a table 232 00:08:02,589 --> 00:08:04,341 full of Jewish women and says, 233 00:08:04,424 --> 00:08:06,927 "Ladies, is anything all right?" 234 00:08:11,265 --> 00:08:12,558 Hi. 235 00:08:12,641 --> 00:08:13,725 Rack-hael! 236 00:08:13,809 --> 00:08:16,436 Baruch ata Ado, nice dress. 237 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,480 Oh, thank you! 238 00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:22,484 - Uh, Shabbat sha-hello. - Yeah. 239 00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:24,361 It wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute. 240 00:08:24,445 --> 00:08:26,280 Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. 241 00:08:26,363 --> 00:08:28,091 - How's Hebrew school? - It's fine. It's the only place 242 00:08:28,115 --> 00:08:30,325 that would hire me after I got out of rehab. 243 00:08:30,868 --> 00:08:34,746 Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. 'Cause they're rich people. 244 00:08:34,830 --> 00:08:36,710 Yeah, they… well, these particular Jews happen 245 00:08:36,790 --> 00:08:39,376 - to be rich, but they worked hard. - I'm sorry. Hold on… 246 00:08:39,460 --> 00:08:41,336 Telephone call in the middle of a punch line? 247 00:08:41,420 --> 00:08:43,481 - Generation's the worst! - Hey. Hey, what's going on? 248 00:08:43,505 --> 00:08:46,216 So Abby's flight is crazy delayed. 249 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,510 Um, so, no time for dinner. 250 00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,345 I can come right now, Jess. 251 00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:52,514 No. Um, she has, um, a conference call 252 00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:53,932 with Hong Kong about a 253 00:08:54,016 --> 00:08:55,517 very important, uh… 254 00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:58,020 Fashion business, uh, venture magazine… 255 00:08:58,103 --> 00:08:59,563 Conference. 256 00:09:00,772 --> 00:09:04,109 Well, maybe I'll see her next time. 257 00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:07,154 Oh, no, no, no, no! 258 00:09:07,237 --> 00:09:08,989 You will not speak to my daughter! 259 00:09:09,072 --> 00:09:11,492 Rachael, this man is a nut ball! 260 00:09:11,575 --> 00:09:14,828 A nut ball? How dare you! I'm a goofball. 261 00:09:14,912 --> 00:09:16,955 Sammy Davis, Jr. was a goofball. 262 00:09:17,039 --> 00:09:20,125 You, sir, are no Sammy Davis, Jr. 263 00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:21,561 - I'm a… I'm a goofball. - I am a goofball. 264 00:09:21,585 --> 00:09:22,753 You're bad news. Bad news. 265 00:09:22,836 --> 00:09:26,131 Daddy, I love sex, and he wants to have sex with me. 266 00:09:26,215 --> 00:09:29,051 Let him! Oh, I love sex! 267 00:09:29,134 --> 00:09:31,220 Text me. Text me. Text. 268 00:09:33,514 --> 00:09:34,598 What was that, man? 269 00:09:34,681 --> 00:09:36,141 Jess is embarrassed of me. 270 00:09:36,225 --> 00:09:37,559 Can you believe that? 271 00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:39,645 What a shanda. What's a shanda? 272 00:09:39,728 --> 00:09:41,355 A shanda! 273 00:09:41,438 --> 00:09:43,023 What a shanda! 274 00:09:43,106 --> 00:09:44,942 All you care about is Jess. 275 00:09:45,025 --> 00:09:46,860 Remember when we used to be best friends? 276 00:09:46,944 --> 00:09:48,195 Uh, that was neat. 277 00:09:48,278 --> 00:09:50,531 What a neat time in my life that was. 278 00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,658 Hey, Schmidt! 279 00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:54,660 My girlfriend's embarrassed of me. 280 00:09:54,743 --> 00:09:56,954 Can we go on that for a little bit? 281 00:09:57,037 --> 00:10:01,500 Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings? 282 00:10:01,583 --> 00:10:04,294 The bird never gets to be the main bird. 283 00:10:04,378 --> 00:10:06,046 This. 284 00:10:06,964 --> 00:10:08,090 Ugh! 285 00:10:08,173 --> 00:10:10,175 So, I just talked to Nick, 286 00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:12,427 and this is a real shame in the pants, 287 00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:14,221 but he's not coming home tonight. 288 00:10:14,304 --> 00:10:15,472 What? Why? 289 00:10:15,556 --> 00:10:16,699 He had to hang out with his work friends. 290 00:10:16,723 --> 00:10:20,018 - He can't come and see me? - Guess it's just us till… the airport. 291 00:10:20,102 --> 00:10:21,478 Mmm. 292 00:10:23,772 --> 00:10:25,482 You see what you're doing, right? 293 00:10:25,566 --> 00:10:27,484 Oh, my God. 294 00:10:27,568 --> 00:10:29,862 I'm Mom. 295 00:10:29,945 --> 00:10:32,573 No! I'm turning into Mom. How did this happen? 296 00:10:32,656 --> 00:10:34,658 "Just a little bit." "Just a tipple." 297 00:10:34,741 --> 00:10:36,636 - "I don't want to get stoned." - Hey, I love that 298 00:10:36,660 --> 00:10:38,340 she calls "getting drunk" "getting stoned." 299 00:10:39,413 --> 00:10:41,582 Oh, my God. Wait. Big news. Mom got 300 00:10:41,665 --> 00:10:44,460 one of those very, very small denim backpacks. 301 00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:46,879 - What? - She did, and she calls it her blue guy. 302 00:10:46,962 --> 00:10:49,506 She's, like, "Oh, I got to grab my blue guy." 303 00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:51,109 Can't believe you're making fun of Mom. 304 00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,634 You're her perfect little baby. 305 00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,595 I'm… Hey, I'm… 306 00:10:54,678 --> 00:10:56,346 I'm not really a baby. 307 00:10:56,430 --> 00:10:57,931 You're a super grown-up. 308 00:10:58,015 --> 00:10:59,766 Thank you. 309 00:11:01,226 --> 00:11:04,146 - Oh, my… - What? 310 00:11:04,229 --> 00:11:06,565 I have a picture of Mom wearing the backpack 311 00:11:06,648 --> 00:11:08,317 at her sign language class graduation. 312 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,235 - Oh. - You have to see this. 313 00:11:10,319 --> 00:11:12,029 - No. - It's amazing. 314 00:11:12,112 --> 00:11:13,489 I have it in a photo album. 315 00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:26,585 Ooh, bonus shot of Dad 316 00:11:26,668 --> 00:11:28,545 getting a haircut while eating spaghetti! 317 00:11:30,464 --> 00:11:33,050 Abby? 318 00:11:38,972 --> 00:11:41,475 Hey, Outside D, have you seen a girl 319 00:11:41,558 --> 00:11:43,398 that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes? 320 00:11:43,477 --> 00:11:45,979 Sorry. I'm doing my taxes. 321 00:11:46,063 --> 00:11:49,691 Ooh! I'm taking in more than I'm spending. 322 00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:52,319 Hey. 323 00:11:52,402 --> 00:11:54,196 Hey. How's it going with Abby? 324 00:11:54,279 --> 00:11:56,782 Yeah, you know, we were having fun for once, and then… 325 00:11:56,865 --> 00:11:58,534 What happened? Tell me what happened. 326 00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:00,160 I will take care of it for you, baby. 327 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:05,124 Baby? 328 00:12:05,207 --> 00:12:06,917 I got this. 329 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,878 I got this myself. Thanks. 330 00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,547 Quick question. 331 00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:14,383 Is pee-pee a write-off? 332 00:12:17,427 --> 00:12:18,804 Hey. 333 00:12:18,887 --> 00:12:21,515 Not sure my body's built for these chairs. 334 00:12:22,516 --> 00:12:23,934 It's a regular chair, man. 335 00:12:24,017 --> 00:12:25,727 Yeah. 336 00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,104 Hey, bub. 337 00:12:27,187 --> 00:12:28,689 How you doing? 338 00:12:29,606 --> 00:12:31,567 Well, I want to apologize. 339 00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:33,652 Sorry I got distracted. 340 00:12:33,735 --> 00:12:34,903 It's okay. 341 00:12:34,987 --> 00:12:36,572 I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you. 342 00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:37,906 Ah, she doesn't hate me. 343 00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:39,658 She's just ashamed of me or something. 344 00:12:41,076 --> 00:12:43,454 Well, you know what? If she's really ashamed of you, then 345 00:12:43,787 --> 00:12:46,623 then she's the stupidest bitch in the whole wide world. 346 00:12:46,707 --> 00:12:48,852 - Easy. Okay, slow down. - I apologize if I went overboard. 347 00:12:48,876 --> 00:12:50,186 - Water under the bridge. - I've never been ashamed. 348 00:12:50,210 --> 00:12:52,754 Wish I could have helped you get that girl, man. 349 00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,006 Feel like I blew it. 350 00:12:54,089 --> 00:12:55,591 Well, she was kind of nutty. 351 00:12:55,674 --> 00:12:57,259 What happened to us, man? 352 00:12:57,342 --> 00:12:59,386 We used to be the best in the biz. 353 00:12:59,470 --> 00:13:01,430 We still are. 354 00:13:01,513 --> 00:13:04,099 I'm the best wingman that's ever wung. 355 00:13:05,058 --> 00:13:06,894 - Make a plan? - Absolutely. 356 00:13:10,731 --> 00:13:12,566 You're my brother. 357 00:13:14,485 --> 00:13:17,237 - Thank you. Charge that to room 304. - Ah! 358 00:13:17,321 --> 00:13:19,072 You! Charge that to nothing. 359 00:13:19,156 --> 00:13:20,616 She's checking out. 360 00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:22,010 Adding this hotel to your rap sheets? 361 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:23,243 You found me. 362 00:13:23,327 --> 00:13:25,207 - Oh, yeah. - Don't you want to know why I left? 363 00:13:25,287 --> 00:13:28,707 You saw my text, and I'm… I'm honestly sorry, 364 00:13:28,791 --> 00:13:32,002 but… you do ruin everything! 365 00:13:32,085 --> 00:13:34,797 Whoa. Thought I was gonna turn the tables with that one. 366 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,524 Get your ass in the car. I'm taking you to the airport. 367 00:13:36,548 --> 00:13:37,942 Thought we could share some calamari. 368 00:13:37,966 --> 00:13:39,301 - Now! - Kobe beef sliders? 369 00:13:39,384 --> 00:13:40,636 - Now! - Lobster quesadilla? 370 00:13:40,719 --> 00:13:42,387 Right now. 371 00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:54,483 This is a great… 372 00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:56,819 Mmm. 373 00:13:58,278 --> 00:14:00,948 You know, Bertie had a dream she killed me. 374 00:14:02,491 --> 00:14:04,201 So, uh, Coach, what's new? 375 00:14:04,284 --> 00:14:05,828 Nothing. 376 00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:06,995 Isn't that right, Cece? 377 00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:10,332 What's that supposed to mean? 378 00:14:10,415 --> 00:14:11,792 Oh, you'll figure it out. 379 00:14:12,876 --> 00:14:14,294 If not, just text me. 380 00:14:14,378 --> 00:14:15,712 Or don't. You're good at that. 381 00:14:15,796 --> 00:14:17,131 Oh, my God. 382 00:14:17,214 --> 00:14:18,674 Okay. We made out 383 00:14:18,757 --> 00:14:20,300 once, pointlessly, 384 00:14:20,384 --> 00:14:21,677 for two hours. That's it. 385 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,053 Get over it. Let it go. 386 00:14:23,137 --> 00:14:24,805 Pointless… Was it? 387 00:14:24,888 --> 00:14:26,682 - Yeah. - I mean, who does that? 388 00:14:26,765 --> 00:14:29,893 Super-hot make out, and then you ice me out for two months. 389 00:14:29,977 --> 00:14:32,396 What are you talking about? Ice out what? 390 00:14:32,479 --> 00:14:35,065 You text me, "Happy Monday." What do I do with that? 391 00:14:35,149 --> 00:14:37,651 Oh, I don't know. Maybe have a happy Monday. 392 00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:38,819 - Oh. - Going out with you 393 00:14:38,902 --> 00:14:40,320 was the hottest 394 00:14:40,404 --> 00:14:42,156 and dumbest mistake I ever made! 395 00:14:42,239 --> 00:14:43,615 It was the hottest, dumbest, 396 00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:46,827 - sexiest mistake I ever made. - It was so dumb of me 397 00:14:46,910 --> 00:14:48,870 to pick you up and press you up against that wall. 398 00:14:48,912 --> 00:14:52,583 So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel. 399 00:14:52,666 --> 00:14:54,835 You guys should try the fisherman's bisque. 400 00:14:54,918 --> 00:14:56,587 It has just the right amount of tang. 401 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,755 - That tang? - Mm. 402 00:14:58,839 --> 00:15:00,549 That's tang. 403 00:15:00,632 --> 00:15:02,885 Okay. 404 00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,946 - Whoa! Whoa. Okay. - Sorry. I was trying… I was trying to… 405 00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,072 Just gonna pivot a little bit more 406 00:15:06,096 --> 00:15:07,764 - to the side. Yeah. - Yeah, just pivot? 407 00:15:07,848 --> 00:15:09,659 - No, okay, look, I think the way it was… - Okay. 408 00:15:09,683 --> 00:15:11,894 Was more… I was up, right? 409 00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:14,038 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were up. - That's, that's how it was… yeah, up. 410 00:15:14,062 --> 00:15:16,315 Just… Okay. All right. Now what do we do? 411 00:15:16,398 --> 00:15:19,818 Maybe just, like, lower your center of gravity, and then this is gonna work. 412 00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:21,671 - Lower it down. Just lower it down, - Okay, okay, okay. 413 00:15:21,695 --> 00:15:23,614 I'm gonna clench my thighs. 414 00:15:23,697 --> 00:15:25,091 I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna fall, all right? I'm gonna fall… 415 00:15:25,115 --> 00:15:26,176 I'm clenching my thighs as hard as I can. 416 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,786 Okay, okay. What? Oh. Geez. 417 00:15:29,953 --> 00:15:30,954 - Oh! - Geez. 418 00:15:31,955 --> 00:15:34,291 That was… awful. 419 00:15:34,374 --> 00:15:35,560 - That was the worst. - Oh, my gosh. 420 00:15:35,584 --> 00:15:37,753 - Wow, what is happening? - Oh, Lord. 421 00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:40,196 Maybe you were right not to text me back, 'cause that was… 422 00:15:40,255 --> 00:15:41,924 Embarrassing. 423 00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:45,010 - I'm sorry. - No, that's cool. 424 00:15:45,093 --> 00:15:47,763 Can we just be friends now? You know? 425 00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:51,308 Yeah. I mean, why not? 426 00:15:51,391 --> 00:15:52,768 Friends? 427 00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:55,229 Friends. 428 00:15:55,312 --> 00:15:56,939 Friends. 429 00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,816 Come here, you. 430 00:15:58,899 --> 00:16:00,192 - Oh, oh! - Aah! Sorry. 431 00:16:00,275 --> 00:16:02,986 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Literally just bit my tooth. 432 00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:04,881 I'm sorry, when I get excited my teeth come out. 433 00:16:04,905 --> 00:16:06,573 Who does that? 434 00:16:06,657 --> 00:16:08,325 - Sorry. - I think I broke my tooth. 435 00:16:08,408 --> 00:16:09,535 Let me see? 436 00:16:09,618 --> 00:16:10,786 Oh. 437 00:16:15,415 --> 00:16:16,834 Okay. 438 00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:19,419 Go straight to the gate. 439 00:16:19,503 --> 00:16:22,214 Look… I get why you're mad at me. 440 00:16:22,714 --> 00:16:24,216 Okay? But if it's any consolation, 441 00:16:24,299 --> 00:16:26,844 I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane 442 00:16:26,927 --> 00:16:28,345 to go live with my mother. 443 00:16:28,679 --> 00:16:30,389 It's only a matter of time 444 00:16:30,472 --> 00:16:32,933 before I have a tiny denim backpack, too. 445 00:16:34,101 --> 00:16:36,812 I said I would never go back to Portland. 446 00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:40,357 So I guess I'm a complete failure. 447 00:16:41,859 --> 00:16:43,861 I'm the baby. 448 00:16:55,831 --> 00:16:59,001 Is this the craziest thing that's going on in the airport? Really? 449 00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,003 Okay, recap, 450 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:02,313 you hit the dance floor, and… 451 00:17:02,337 --> 00:17:05,108 - Do what I do best: Be an embarrassment. - It's a gift, Nick. I need you to 452 00:17:05,132 --> 00:17:06,734 - ruin this bar mitzvah. - What do you say, just get out there 453 00:17:06,758 --> 00:17:08,135 and do some weird dancing? 454 00:17:08,218 --> 00:17:09,320 It's got to be bigger than that, man. 455 00:17:09,344 --> 00:17:11,472 - Bigger than that? - Then I come out there and I… 456 00:17:11,555 --> 00:17:12,755 Knock you out. It's all right. 457 00:17:13,348 --> 00:17:14,641 Again, it'll be a stage punch. 458 00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:16,119 Don't worry. I've done several productions. 459 00:17:16,143 --> 00:17:18,103 - Of West Side Story. - I know. You told me. 460 00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:19,897 As a Puerto Rican Shark. Da, da. 461 00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:21,082 - That's cool. - It was awesome. 462 00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,691 You never came and saw it, but… 463 00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:24,794 - Well, I was very busy at that time. - Whatever, never mind. 464 00:17:24,818 --> 00:17:27,070 The rabbi will then come out, he'll thank me, the hero… 465 00:17:27,154 --> 00:17:28,197 Gotcha. 466 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,966 He'll offer me his daughter's hand, then, five years from now, 467 00:17:29,990 --> 00:17:33,118 Rachael is pregnant with Elon's little sister and we're having 468 00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:35,954 a beautiful family New Year's then in our vacation condo 469 00:17:36,038 --> 00:17:38,099 - in the Florida Keys. - Doing it again, talking in speeches. 470 00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,793 - Hmm? - You've been monologuing, lately, Schmidt. 471 00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:42,103 Do you s… Do you, do you hear yourself? 472 00:17:42,127 --> 00:17:44,004 - I, I'm unaware of it. - You, okay. 473 00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:46,316 I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause I respect you and you're one of my best… 474 00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:48,026 - But, like, it's weird. Okay. - I'm unaware of it. I apologize. 475 00:17:48,050 --> 00:17:49,092 I'll stop doing it. 476 00:17:49,176 --> 00:17:51,053 - Hey. - Yeah? 477 00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,971 Light this cannon up so I can shoot off. 478 00:17:58,185 --> 00:18:00,938 Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass. 479 00:18:01,021 --> 00:18:03,232 How you doing? My name's Nick. 480 00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:05,317 You know martial arts? 481 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,069 Swear to God you don't? 482 00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:08,862 You run around with this hunk any more, 483 00:18:08,946 --> 00:18:11,031 this little surfer cat. 484 00:18:11,115 --> 00:18:12,699 I know your game. 485 00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:14,868 Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes. 486 00:18:14,952 --> 00:18:16,328 I wish I had 'em! 487 00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:19,873 Breaking my heart, beautiful. 488 00:18:19,957 --> 00:18:21,750 What? 489 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:23,877 And I all do is love you. I give and I give. 490 00:18:23,961 --> 00:18:28,090 I been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you. 491 00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,384 - We just met. - I want to rip that blouse 492 00:18:30,467 --> 00:18:32,094 off you and put it on me. 493 00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:35,973 - Oh, wow. - I want to wear your lipstick. 494 00:18:36,056 --> 00:18:39,268 - Well, that's interesting. - I want to rip those earrings off 495 00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:42,104 and put 'em on and I want to be the girl! 496 00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:43,981 That would be wonderful. 497 00:18:44,064 --> 00:18:48,318 But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews. 498 00:18:48,402 --> 00:18:50,442 And I don't care who's watching. I want what I want. 499 00:18:51,613 --> 00:18:52,656 Ooh! 500 00:18:58,245 --> 00:19:00,539 - Unhand her, sir. - Whoa, what is… Hey, man. 501 00:19:00,622 --> 00:19:02,291 That's my mother! 502 00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:03,375 Ooh! 503 00:19:03,459 --> 00:19:05,169 You okay? 504 00:19:05,252 --> 00:19:07,045 Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum. 505 00:19:07,129 --> 00:19:08,481 Would you like to date my daughter? 506 00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:10,716 - She's available. - Oh, great, yeah, tell the 507 00:19:10,799 --> 00:19:11,860 whole room that I'm available. 508 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,720 I'm not telling the whole room I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum. 509 00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:17,139 - A doctor. - No, I got that. 510 00:19:19,766 --> 00:19:22,227 Oh, hey. 511 00:19:22,311 --> 00:19:24,271 - Hey. - I like your glasses. 512 00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:25,439 What happened to your eye? 513 00:19:25,522 --> 00:19:27,524 I got beat up at a bar mitzvah. 514 00:19:27,608 --> 00:19:30,044 And I know that's embarrassing, and I know you're too embarrassed of me 515 00:19:30,068 --> 00:19:31,361 to introduce me to your sister. 516 00:19:31,445 --> 00:19:32,863 - What? - And I get that, Jess. 517 00:19:32,946 --> 00:19:35,783 - Nick, that's not at all what… - You know what? 518 00:19:35,866 --> 00:19:37,260 There is something I just cannot shake, 519 00:19:37,284 --> 00:19:39,203 I've been tossing and turning all night long. 520 00:19:39,286 --> 00:19:40,388 We literally have been apart 521 00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:41,848 for like 15 seconds, man, get out of here. 522 00:19:41,872 --> 00:19:44,142 I am your wingman now, Nick, because it, it takes two wings… 523 00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,209 Don't do this. 524 00:19:45,292 --> 00:19:47,169 For a, for a bird to dance. 525 00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:49,046 Jessica Day, you are dating a champion. 526 00:19:49,129 --> 00:19:50,672 - I agree. - And I don't know 527 00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,400 why on earth you would be embarrassed of him. 528 00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:54,176 - Don't… I told him not… - Excuse me? 529 00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:55,653 I don't understand where this is coming from. 530 00:19:55,677 --> 00:19:57,221 I am not embarrassed of Nick, 531 00:19:57,304 --> 00:19:58,555 - not at all. - For real? 532 00:19:58,639 --> 00:20:00,224 - No. - Well, that's great news. 533 00:20:00,307 --> 00:20:01,868 I'm glad that's out of the way. Fantastic. 534 00:20:01,892 --> 00:20:04,061 I'll see you guys for brunch. 535 00:20:04,144 --> 00:20:06,355 Why would you think that? 536 00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:09,691 She's embarrassed of me. Oh, hello. Oh, hey. 537 00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,026 - This is, um… - I'm Abby. 538 00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,986 - Abby. - Hi. 539 00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:15,489 Mom was right… he does have an uptown butt. 540 00:20:15,572 --> 00:20:16,573 What? 541 00:20:16,698 --> 00:20:19,177 - I'd like to put that butt in ski pants. - What does that mean? 542 00:20:19,201 --> 00:20:20,369 - Nothing. - Everything. 543 00:20:20,452 --> 00:20:22,454 - Come on, Abby. - Oh, come on. 544 00:20:22,538 --> 00:20:24,098 Jess, I'm putting my stuff in your room. 545 00:20:24,164 --> 00:20:25,249 So that means you guys 546 00:20:25,332 --> 00:20:27,209 are gonna stay in your room. 547 00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:29,586 - Thank me later. - All right. 548 00:20:31,505 --> 00:20:34,758 Well, she is just a delight. 549 00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:37,261 So I might have told 550 00:20:37,344 --> 00:20:39,888 a few lies about my sister. 551 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,057 She's a total train wreck and she was in jail. 552 00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:44,393 Well, look, why lie? You know how many Millers have been 553 00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:46,228 or are currently in jail? 554 00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:48,147 I get it. It's just, she's such a… 555 00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:49,815 I can hear you. 556 00:20:51,358 --> 00:20:54,111 - Complicated person. - Right. 557 00:20:54,194 --> 00:20:55,487 Anyway. 558 00:20:55,571 --> 00:20:56,780 She needs me. 559 00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:57,948 Right. 560 00:20:58,031 --> 00:20:59,074 Can she stay with us? 561 00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:00,951 Yeah, of course. How, how long? 562 00:21:01,034 --> 00:21:02,119 A few weeks. 563 00:21:02,202 --> 00:21:04,121 - Few weeks. - A month, tops. 564 00:21:04,204 --> 00:21:05,873 Six months, super tops. 565 00:21:05,956 --> 00:21:08,167 - Six months? - Just till I get on my feet. 566 00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:09,960 Oh. What's your address? 567 00:21:10,043 --> 00:21:12,296 In case I want to get any "deliveries." 568 00:21:12,379 --> 00:21:14,089 I'm not telling you. 569 00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:15,333 I'm not telling you, I'm n… 570 00:21:15,382 --> 00:21:17,551 "Deliveries"? No. 571 00:21:17,634 --> 00:21:19,928 Deliveries are fine, "deliveries," no. 572 00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:21,156 Depends what you want "delivered." 573 00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:22,556 I'll figure it out. 574 00:21:26,435 --> 00:21:27,728 Well… 575 00:21:31,482 --> 00:21:32,483 I love you.