1 00:00:00,976 --> 00:00:03,228 - Man, this is gonna be fun! Oh! - Ah, come on! 2 00:00:03,312 --> 00:00:04,772 Get it close to the light. 3 00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:08,359 Okay, just because you invented Sky Knife doesn't mean you can tell me how to throw. 4 00:00:08,692 --> 00:00:10,069 Hurry up, man. You can do this. 5 00:00:10,152 --> 00:00:11,779 One, two, three. 6 00:00:11,862 --> 00:00:13,739 Sky Knife! 7 00:00:13,822 --> 00:00:15,032 Yeah! 8 00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:16,283 What's up? 9 00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:18,243 - Oh, hey. What's up? - Nothing, just a… 10 00:00:18,327 --> 00:00:19,527 Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'. 11 00:00:19,578 --> 00:00:23,207 You guys, it's a really long story, but I think I saw an eagle. 12 00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,209 I was shopping for books on Western… 13 00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:26,668 Oh, my God! 14 00:00:26,752 --> 00:00:28,212 - Oh! - Oh! 15 00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:31,131 - Oh, God, what the hell? - You were in the drop zone. 16 00:00:31,215 --> 00:00:32,841 - Good save, Nick. - You were a hero! 17 00:00:32,925 --> 00:00:33,926 - Hey, hey… - Good save. 18 00:00:34,009 --> 00:00:36,095 We were playing Sky Knife. You mad? 19 00:00:36,178 --> 00:00:39,640 No. No. I… I think it's been a great game this week. 20 00:00:39,723 --> 00:00:41,266 I'm amazed at how great it is. 21 00:00:41,350 --> 00:00:43,227 Uh! Awesome! I thought you were gonna be mad. 22 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:46,081 All right, I'm gonna go get the bad-ass knives from Schmidt's house. 23 00:00:46,105 --> 00:00:47,356 - Cool. - Get 'em, girl. 24 00:00:49,274 --> 00:00:51,527 Um, guys, we have a problem. 25 00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:54,172 I know, but Abby's gonna fix it. She's going to get the cooler knives. 26 00:00:54,196 --> 00:00:56,156 The problem is Abby. 27 00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:00,452 She's been here one week and has already created chaos everywhere. 28 00:01:00,536 --> 00:01:02,079 I don't know if anybody noticed, 29 00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:04,123 but she destroyed my sunflower painting 30 00:01:04,206 --> 00:01:06,250 - with a picture of a penis. - The iguana's cool. 31 00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:07,852 - I like the iguana. - Who doesn't love an iguana? 32 00:01:07,876 --> 00:01:10,036 - With the glasses? - Yeah, man. Yeah. I like its tail. 33 00:01:11,547 --> 00:01:13,173 Oh, my God, you guys, it's Terry. 34 00:01:13,257 --> 00:01:14,897 The bastard found me. He wants his stuff. 35 00:01:14,925 --> 00:01:16,427 Who's Terry? What's his stuff? 36 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,470 - Cocaine drugs? - Worse. 37 00:01:18,554 --> 00:01:19,930 You guys got to hide. 38 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:21,616 Oh, my God, I knew this was gonna happen. 39 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,642 Everybody in your earthquake spots now! 40 00:01:23,726 --> 00:01:25,436 Jess! 41 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:26,979 She's messing with you. 42 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:30,524 Yeah, I know. 43 00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:33,277 We are messing with you. 44 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,070 - No. - I don't think you were involved. 45 00:01:35,154 --> 00:01:36,381 - Joke's on you, dude. - You guys were all afraid of Terry. 46 00:01:36,405 --> 00:01:38,741 Us Day sisters up to our old pranks. 47 00:01:38,824 --> 00:01:40,576 - You're not part of it. - Yes, I am! 48 00:01:40,659 --> 00:01:43,245 - You got messed with. - You got messed with, not me. 49 00:01:43,328 --> 00:01:44,806 You're doing that voice when you get messed with. 50 00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:45,873 No, I'm not. 51 00:01:45,956 --> 00:01:47,791 You guys, this is so fun. I want to live here. 52 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,585 Ah, ha, ha! 53 00:01:49,668 --> 00:01:52,254 That was funny, 'cause we're messing with you again. 54 00:01:52,337 --> 00:01:55,549 No. I'm serious. That one was real. I think I should live here. 55 00:01:56,592 --> 00:01:57,843 I hate this game. 56 00:01:59,678 --> 00:02:05,434 Hey, girl, whatcha doing? 57 00:02:05,517 --> 00:02:10,147 Hey, girl, where you going? 58 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,440 Who's that girl? 59 00:02:11,523 --> 00:02:13,025 Who's that girl? 60 00:02:13,108 --> 00:02:14,318 Who's that girl? 61 00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:17,446 - Who's that girl? - It's Jess! 62 00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:26,997 You looking up how to eat a bagel? 63 00:02:27,081 --> 00:02:30,000 No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed the LAPD entrance exam. 64 00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:32,628 Results go up in 30 seconds. 65 00:02:33,003 --> 00:02:34,338 If you pass, you get to be a cop? 66 00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:36,382 No, I get to go to the police academy, you know? 67 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,801 I hope I get a dog partner. 68 00:02:38,884 --> 00:02:40,302 - Yeah. - Oh, you are pretty calm 69 00:02:40,386 --> 00:02:42,346 for someone who's about to get life-changing news. 70 00:02:42,388 --> 00:02:43,907 You must be really cool under pressure. 71 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,475 No! I'm a huge choker. 72 00:02:46,558 --> 00:02:48,018 Huge! 73 00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:49,978 Girl, I ain't had a job in over three months. 74 00:02:50,062 --> 00:02:52,523 So, this is that moment, I guess, 75 00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,733 when you find out if you're really a failure or not. 76 00:02:56,527 --> 00:02:59,029 Check it. Excitement's killing me! 77 00:02:59,405 --> 00:03:01,365 Man, would you look at the time? 78 00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:04,034 Man. Girl, I got an obligation 79 00:03:04,576 --> 00:03:07,746 at a sandwich meeting to go to. 80 00:03:11,542 --> 00:03:13,043 Yes… 81 00:03:14,128 --> 00:03:17,756 Well, you see, loyalty has a price, Mr. President. 82 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,216 Give me the hot dogs! 83 00:03:20,259 --> 00:03:23,887 Put the damn hot dogs in the bag, you son of a bitch, and I won't… 84 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:27,141 Oh, my God. What are we gonna do? She can't move into… 85 00:03:27,683 --> 00:03:28,684 Take that off. 86 00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:31,020 - I hope those are clean. - Enough. 87 00:03:31,937 --> 00:03:34,040 I don't want to be involved with your weird thing with your sister. 88 00:03:34,064 --> 00:03:36,358 It's not a weird thing with my sister. 89 00:03:36,859 --> 00:03:37,860 She is crazy. 90 00:03:37,943 --> 00:03:39,987 - No. - She's wanted in Canada. 91 00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:43,240 Canada. No one's wanted in Canada. 92 00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:45,743 Hey, uh, you guys want to hang out, like, right now? 93 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,704 Maybe go up to Alhambra, try on a whole mess of jeans? 94 00:03:48,787 --> 00:03:50,547 Don't you find out about that cop test today? 95 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,125 Oh, you know… Oh, yeah. No. 96 00:03:53,208 --> 00:03:55,085 Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though… 97 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,771 It's getting a lot of momentum, you know? 98 00:03:56,795 --> 00:03:58,435 So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that 99 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:00,883 'cause when you, you know, when you do that, so… 100 00:04:00,966 --> 00:04:04,261 Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you that Abby is responsible for that. 101 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:05,679 Yeah, she got to me. 102 00:04:05,763 --> 00:04:08,366 If you don't want Abby to live here, Jessica, why don't you just tell her? 103 00:04:08,390 --> 00:04:09,808 Nick, you can't just 104 00:04:09,892 --> 00:04:12,227 tell Abby to do something, 'cause she'll do the opposite. 105 00:04:12,311 --> 00:04:14,331 So I'm gonna have to go find a place for her to live 106 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,273 and make her think it's her idea. 107 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:18,108 She can't find out what I'm up to. 108 00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,611 Do you think you can keep her busy and lie to her all day? 109 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,655 Jess, I come from a family of con artists and liars. 110 00:04:23,989 --> 00:04:27,076 And the one thing I learned is you can't lie to a liar. 111 00:04:27,159 --> 00:04:28,535 It don't fly. 112 00:04:28,952 --> 00:04:30,180 Yeah, you shouldn't be involved. 113 00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:31,246 No, I shouldn't. 114 00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:34,416 Wait a second. 115 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:35,876 Are you doing reverse psychology? 116 00:04:35,959 --> 00:04:37,503 Yeah, it is reverse psychology. 117 00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:39,922 That is reverse psychology, so you just reversed it, 118 00:04:40,005 --> 00:04:42,674 so now it's reverse, reverse, which is just psychology. 119 00:04:42,758 --> 00:04:44,343 Hmm, which one is it? 120 00:04:45,302 --> 00:04:46,804 You outfoxed me. I'm in. 121 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,180 I'm gonna do it. 122 00:04:48,263 --> 00:04:52,851 So, our time is up, but, um, I don't have any more clients, 123 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,186 - so, uh… - Oh. 124 00:04:54,269 --> 00:04:55,854 You brought it with that less set, ma. 125 00:04:55,938 --> 00:04:57,981 I got to tell you. I mean, what can't that butt do? 126 00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,693 - You shaped it, so you get dibs. - Mmm. 127 00:05:00,776 --> 00:05:02,152 Dibs. 128 00:05:03,779 --> 00:05:06,865 Can I get dibs? Because both y'all butts look great. 129 00:05:06,949 --> 00:05:08,629 I mean, I can't tell who's in first place. 130 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:12,347 Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're always getting on me about my pizza baby? 131 00:05:12,371 --> 00:05:14,123 - Yeah. - Well, today is the day 132 00:05:14,206 --> 00:05:15,332 that I get rid of it. 133 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,168 - I am here to train. - Save it, dude. 134 00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:20,671 You're avoiding your test results. Nick texted me. 135 00:05:21,213 --> 00:05:23,298 - Guess you can't outrun a text. - Nope. 136 00:05:23,382 --> 00:05:24,609 Well, with the right amount of training… 137 00:05:24,633 --> 00:05:27,094 All right, listen to me. Um, I need you to leave. 138 00:05:27,177 --> 00:05:29,680 I'm with a client. A beautiful one. 139 00:05:29,972 --> 00:05:33,434 - I'm trying to, you know… - Mmm. 140 00:05:33,517 --> 00:05:35,019 You're trying to whistle. 141 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,038 No, no, no, no, no, I'm trying to have sex with her. 142 00:05:37,062 --> 00:05:39,106 Oh! Sex. 143 00:05:39,648 --> 00:05:42,776 But I did book you for the entire afternoon, though. 144 00:05:44,403 --> 00:05:45,672 - Why would you do that? - But… 145 00:05:45,696 --> 00:05:47,007 If you guys are doing a little thing, 146 00:05:47,031 --> 00:05:48,258 - then I could easily just… - Leave and check 147 00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:49,676 - your test scores? - Do a tandem session. 148 00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,160 - Oh, fun. - Right? 149 00:05:51,243 --> 00:05:54,038 Coach, you should show him that ground stretch you did on me earlier. 150 00:05:54,413 --> 00:05:56,790 It was opening me up really nicely. 151 00:05:56,874 --> 00:05:59,835 - Yes, please. - I don't wanna. 152 00:06:02,254 --> 00:06:03,255 Oh. 153 00:06:08,677 --> 00:06:10,929 - This is amazing. - Oh! 154 00:06:11,013 --> 00:06:13,599 I'm taking a little trip here, Coach. 155 00:06:13,682 --> 00:06:14,850 You know where I'm going. 156 00:06:15,392 --> 00:06:17,936 Why do I keep looking down? I don't know. 157 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:23,192 This museum is my favorite place in Los Angeles. 158 00:06:23,275 --> 00:06:24,943 Um… Come on, Nick. 159 00:06:25,027 --> 00:06:27,196 Jess is making you babysit me, right? 160 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:28,530 Babysit you? 161 00:06:28,614 --> 00:06:30,157 What? 162 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:31,367 Like you're a little baby? 163 00:06:31,742 --> 00:06:32,910 No. 164 00:06:34,119 --> 00:06:36,097 - That's how you want to play this? - Well, I'm not "playing" it. 165 00:06:36,121 --> 00:06:37,873 - Oh. - Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? 166 00:06:37,956 --> 00:06:39,476 - I just want to touch it. - Don't touch it. 167 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,685 - I just need to touch it. - But it's not for touching. 168 00:06:40,709 --> 00:06:41,710 Hey, hey! 169 00:06:41,794 --> 00:06:42,878 What? Can I not jump on it? 170 00:06:42,961 --> 00:06:44,171 - Abby. - That's not allowed? 171 00:06:44,254 --> 00:06:45,756 - Abby! - Maybe I shouldn't 172 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,091 climb all over the car. 173 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,634 You need to get off of that car. 174 00:06:48,717 --> 00:06:50,969 Why don't you tell me what it is Jess is up to? 175 00:06:51,053 --> 00:06:52,471 Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, 176 00:06:52,554 --> 00:06:54,390 you're scratching the hood! 177 00:06:54,473 --> 00:06:55,891 Tell me what I want to know. 178 00:06:55,974 --> 00:06:57,619 - Get off there right now. - There's nothing to tell! 179 00:06:57,643 --> 00:06:59,162 - Tell me what I want to know. - There's nothing to tell! 180 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,896 - Tell me what she's doing! - Get her off! 181 00:07:00,979 --> 00:07:02,707 - If I tell you, will you get off the car? - Yes. 182 00:07:02,731 --> 00:07:03,857 - You promise? - Yes. 183 00:07:03,941 --> 00:07:05,734 She's looking for a safe apartment for you 184 00:07:05,818 --> 00:07:07,538 'cause she doesn't want you to live with us! 185 00:07:09,905 --> 00:07:11,425 Now, would you please get off the car? 186 00:07:12,783 --> 00:07:14,410 Do you guys serve drinks here? 187 00:07:14,493 --> 00:07:17,913 Why don't they give us Tasers? 188 00:07:23,168 --> 00:07:25,337 Wow. I mean, this place is beautiful. 189 00:07:25,421 --> 00:07:28,424 It makes the other nine places we've seen today just kind of fade away. 190 00:07:29,091 --> 00:07:31,093 Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood. 191 00:07:31,427 --> 00:07:32,636 Is there a lot of nightlife? 192 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,847 Well, this part of town is pretty quiet. 193 00:07:34,930 --> 00:07:37,224 Unless you count church bells. Which you should. 194 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:39,351 We have nine within hearing distance. 195 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,980 What about the other tenants? Are there single men between 18 and 65? 196 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:45,315 Actually, make that 16 and 72. 197 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:49,278 Most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself. 198 00:07:49,361 --> 00:07:52,281 Oh. Jackpot. 199 00:07:52,364 --> 00:07:55,284 And if the demons come calling, there's an emergency room 200 00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:58,037 - right across the street. - You had me at "gay veterans." 201 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,080 And then again at "emergency room." 202 00:08:00,164 --> 00:08:01,957 And before that at "church." 203 00:08:02,041 --> 00:08:05,711 I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me 204 00:08:05,794 --> 00:08:07,379 to move into a place like this. 205 00:08:07,463 --> 00:08:10,758 Maybe I would've settled down. Met a, you know, nice guy. 206 00:08:10,841 --> 00:08:14,344 Nothing flashy. Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagne. 207 00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:16,680 - Okay, not now, Cece. - No, don't stop her. 208 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,182 Who is this guy? 209 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:19,433 Right? 210 00:08:21,018 --> 00:08:23,062 Bet you are a mean dancer. 211 00:08:23,729 --> 00:08:24,772 Come on. Live a little. 212 00:08:25,189 --> 00:08:26,357 You were right to call me. 213 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,280 Nobody deals with crazy girls better than I do. 214 00:08:28,859 --> 00:08:30,819 Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker. 215 00:08:30,903 --> 00:08:32,005 - You know what I mean, Nick? - Okay. Yeah. 216 00:08:32,029 --> 00:08:34,740 Some… Some men, they can just walk away. Not me. 217 00:08:35,699 --> 00:08:36,926 - I just keep coming back. - Okay, 218 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,219 are you gonna help me get her off the car? 219 00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:39,953 - Mmm. You know what this is, Nick? - What? 220 00:08:40,037 --> 00:08:42,206 This is nonsense. And how do we deal with nonsense? 221 00:08:43,082 --> 00:08:46,168 No, no. We just don't stand for it, is what we do. 222 00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:47,378 Security is on the way. 223 00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:50,422 Come on, you old bird. Get up here. 224 00:08:50,506 --> 00:08:52,424 I can't afford it. 225 00:08:52,508 --> 00:08:54,802 I'm already the staff troublemaker. 226 00:08:54,885 --> 00:08:57,262 - Can you make it happen? - I'm thinking. 227 00:09:00,099 --> 00:09:02,935 Where are you at right… Like, is it kind of game… Yeah. 228 00:09:03,769 --> 00:09:05,562 Just shh. 229 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:08,982 - I got it. - You do? 230 00:09:09,066 --> 00:09:11,235 Yeah. No nonsense. 231 00:09:13,904 --> 00:09:15,572 Hey, Abby, look at me. 232 00:09:16,115 --> 00:09:17,199 Let's go get a taco. 233 00:09:17,282 --> 00:09:18,575 Okay. 234 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,220 - You got to be kidding. - There you go. Thank you. 235 00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:21,578 There you go. Perfect. 236 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:24,391 Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess I told you about the apartment, right? 237 00:09:24,415 --> 00:09:26,917 Hmm, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see. 238 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,228 It'd be cool if you… 'Cause… 239 00:09:28,252 --> 00:09:29,688 Why don't you straighten things up with the museum? 240 00:09:29,712 --> 00:09:32,381 Thank you. I appreciate that. It's only $10! 241 00:09:32,464 --> 00:09:34,383 That's not gonna… It's $10! 242 00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:36,510 You snakes. 243 00:09:36,593 --> 00:09:37,720 Follow through. 244 00:09:37,803 --> 00:09:38,929 Yeah, all right. 245 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,783 Or else that creepy guy at the bar isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh. 246 00:09:41,807 --> 00:09:42,975 Hands off my thigh, dude! 247 00:09:45,769 --> 00:09:46,812 Off my thigh, dude. 248 00:09:50,107 --> 00:09:52,860 What are you doing, dude? Stop stalling. Check your score. 249 00:09:52,943 --> 00:09:54,778 I'm not stalling. 250 00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,739 I'm gonna have Anders work my core 251 00:09:56,822 --> 00:09:58,615 and maybe just go get some juice with him. 252 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,118 No, um. No, I, I want juice. I'm… 253 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,179 Hey, I bought your time. I do whatever I want with it. 254 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,080 Go check your score! 255 00:10:05,164 --> 00:10:06,206 Hey, what are you doing? 256 00:10:06,290 --> 00:10:07,976 - No. Wait, what are you doing, dude? - I'm checking it myself! 257 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,960 No! Come on, man! 258 00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,587 I said no, dude. 259 00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:13,088 No. 260 00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:16,425 What? 261 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,178 You failed. 262 00:10:22,806 --> 00:10:24,183 I didn't even… 263 00:10:24,933 --> 00:10:26,935 You know, it's not even a… 264 00:10:28,604 --> 00:10:31,023 Yeah, it's not a big deal, so… 265 00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:32,858 You know, so… 266 00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,986 You should probably put a passcode on your phone, dude. 267 00:10:40,324 --> 00:10:43,160 Hey, Schmidt! Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby? 268 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,661 Huh? 269 00:10:45,204 --> 00:10:47,539 What are you… What are you doing? 270 00:10:47,831 --> 00:10:50,084 I'm melting chocolate. 271 00:10:52,961 --> 00:10:54,380 Abby and I are having sex. 272 00:10:54,797 --> 00:10:56,840 What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? 273 00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,803 I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick. 274 00:11:00,886 --> 00:11:02,096 You know, for the life of me, 275 00:11:02,179 --> 00:11:05,182 I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you, 276 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,243 but if she came from the same gene pool as this one… 277 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,061 Kudos, my friend. 278 00:11:09,144 --> 00:11:11,024 Even if it's a tenth of what I just experienced. 279 00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,857 Even if it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger split from Twins. 280 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,484 You calling Jess the DeVito? 281 00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:18,112 - What? - Abby, I was supposed to be watching you. 282 00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,605 - Go ahead. - Don't… Don't play tricks with my words. 283 00:11:20,656 --> 00:11:23,176 Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say my name in that short, clipped way 284 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,552 - where she doesn't add the "K." - What? 285 00:11:24,576 --> 00:11:26,704 When she's mad, she just says "Nic." 286 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,957 Do you really think that the "K" adds to the sound of your name? 287 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,351 - Yes. - How do you usually say your name? 288 00:11:31,375 --> 00:11:32,918 - Nick. - Say it without the "K." 289 00:11:33,001 --> 00:11:34,586 - Nic. - It's the same thing. 290 00:11:34,670 --> 00:11:36,130 Stop distracting me! 291 00:11:36,338 --> 00:11:37,524 Nick, you're so worried about disappointing Jess. 292 00:11:37,548 --> 00:11:39,091 Relax, man. 293 00:11:39,174 --> 00:11:41,593 Okay, you got to get out of here. 294 00:11:48,767 --> 00:11:50,728 Oh… 295 00:11:54,523 --> 00:11:56,775 I choked. 296 00:11:56,859 --> 00:12:00,279 I choked, man. I'm 31. I have nothing figured out. 297 00:12:00,738 --> 00:12:02,156 Can I not find a job? 298 00:12:02,239 --> 00:12:04,324 - I mean, I feel like I'm losing it. - Dude, 299 00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:05,784 they're hiring here. 300 00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:08,495 You know I can't work here, man. They never have any cookies. 301 00:12:08,579 --> 00:12:10,497 It's all the better, man! There's no pressure. 302 00:12:10,581 --> 00:12:11,957 You get this job 303 00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:14,241 and then when you're ready, you try the cop thing again. 304 00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,879 - Okay. Yeah. - See? 305 00:12:16,962 --> 00:12:19,882 But now I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I need this job. 306 00:12:19,965 --> 00:12:21,759 - Stop! - I need this job real bad… 307 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:24,362 Excuse me, um, could we get a job application over here, please? 308 00:12:24,428 --> 00:12:27,097 In a way, I have a lot more riding on this job 309 00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,557 than I do the cop thing. 310 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:30,768 God, I'd love to work here! 311 00:12:32,394 --> 00:12:34,104 I got the apartment! 312 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,315 The place is great. The only thing 313 00:12:36,398 --> 00:12:38,585 I'm a little worried about is there is a Russian grocery store 314 00:12:38,609 --> 00:12:40,712 down the block and Abby has a little bit of a weird thing 315 00:12:40,736 --> 00:12:42,071 with ethnic white people. 316 00:12:42,404 --> 00:12:44,531 But I think she could really thrive there! 317 00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:46,283 Where is she? 318 00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:47,576 - Where's who? - Abby. 319 00:12:47,659 --> 00:12:49,536 Ab… Oh, she's sleeping. 320 00:12:49,995 --> 00:12:53,123 By herself. Which is called "napping." 321 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,626 Okay, I'm gonna start secretly packing up some of her stuff. 322 00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,145 Do you think you can keep distracting her? 323 00:12:57,169 --> 00:12:58,712 - Yes, yeah, you know, just… - Good. 324 00:12:58,796 --> 00:13:00,130 How do we distract her? 325 00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,674 How do you distract a woman like that? 326 00:13:02,758 --> 00:13:04,676 Probably a guy. Right? 327 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,345 Who can we set her up with? 328 00:13:06,845 --> 00:13:08,931 Well, well, well, who do we have? 329 00:13:09,014 --> 00:13:11,016 Coach. No. 330 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,662 - Winston… - That's actually kind of a good idea… 331 00:13:13,686 --> 00:13:14,770 No! 332 00:13:15,437 --> 00:13:17,690 - Schmidt! - That's a terrible idea. 333 00:13:18,148 --> 00:13:19,942 But in the same sense… 334 00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:21,568 Abby will wreck Schmidt! 335 00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:23,880 - Well, then luckily, the… - So, here's the plan. 336 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:27,199 We're gonna have a nice dinner. We're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk. 337 00:13:27,282 --> 00:13:29,743 And then we're gonna casually and naturally 338 00:13:29,827 --> 00:13:32,830 bring up the apartment so she thinks it's her idea. 339 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,640 - And I can do that, okay? - Okay, good. 340 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:37,000 - I'm glad. - I'll act cool, natural. 341 00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:39,378 Casual. Au naturel. 342 00:13:39,837 --> 00:13:41,296 - Au casual. - You know what? 343 00:13:41,797 --> 00:13:43,274 Maybe I should write you some lines, pal. 344 00:13:43,298 --> 00:13:46,051 Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause… Maybe not a lot of words. 345 00:13:47,845 --> 00:13:50,681 Uh, so tell me, what are your three weakest qualities? 346 00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:52,850 See… 347 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,059 Just say "perfectionist." 348 00:13:54,143 --> 00:13:55,436 - Perfectionist. - Yeah. 349 00:13:57,312 --> 00:13:59,982 And the other two… Um… 350 00:14:04,903 --> 00:14:07,239 I'm overheating, right? I'm overheating, okay? 351 00:14:07,322 --> 00:14:08,717 So here's what we're gonna do now… 352 00:14:08,741 --> 00:14:11,452 I'm just gonna shoot from the hip, little rapid fire, 353 00:14:11,535 --> 00:14:13,787 give you some fun facts you might not know about me. 354 00:14:14,371 --> 00:14:16,248 I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers, 355 00:14:16,331 --> 00:14:17,458 and… 356 00:14:17,541 --> 00:14:20,252 I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart, 357 00:14:20,335 --> 00:14:23,005 don't think women should be allowed to handle money. 358 00:14:23,338 --> 00:14:25,299 Just, that's for real. 359 00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:29,678 Let's just move on to the salary. 360 00:14:30,888 --> 00:14:33,128 And you didn't even fill out the back of the application. 361 00:14:33,348 --> 00:14:34,641 There's a back? 362 00:14:36,268 --> 00:14:37,668 There is a back to the application? 363 00:14:37,811 --> 00:14:38,896 - Coach. - What? 364 00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:42,399 The LAPD exam, maybe it had a back. 365 00:14:43,609 --> 00:14:45,277 You didn't check to see if it had a back? 366 00:14:45,361 --> 00:14:46,653 We got to go to the precinct. 367 00:14:46,737 --> 00:14:48,697 I didn't choke. I'm just careless. 368 00:14:49,073 --> 00:14:53,035 And that is my biggest weakness, you bitch. 369 00:14:53,494 --> 00:14:55,221 - I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude. - Yeah, that was bad. 370 00:14:55,245 --> 00:14:56,931 - Man, I didn't even mean that. - All right, get out of here. 371 00:14:56,955 --> 00:14:59,541 - Get out of here. - Dawg, I didn't mean that at all, man. 372 00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:01,835 To our newest resident. 373 00:15:02,378 --> 00:15:05,172 The City of Angels has sprouted another pair of wings. 374 00:15:05,464 --> 00:15:09,301 It's a majestic city, drenched in sunshine, 375 00:15:09,385 --> 00:15:13,806 that is actually just a collection of 75 different neighborhoods. 376 00:15:13,889 --> 00:15:15,808 Wow, I had no idea. 377 00:15:15,891 --> 00:15:17,685 Please continue to tell me more. 378 00:15:17,768 --> 00:15:19,812 - You want more? - Who wants to rediscover couscous? 379 00:15:19,895 --> 00:15:21,706 Hey, what the hell are you doing here, Schmidt? 380 00:15:21,730 --> 00:15:24,274 I invited him. I live here, too, right? 381 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,401 - Yeah, but… - It's okay, 382 00:15:25,484 --> 00:15:28,278 Abby can make her own decisions, no matter what they might lead to. 383 00:15:28,737 --> 00:15:30,614 - Thank you. - Now, somebody call the pound 384 00:15:30,698 --> 00:15:32,241 'cause my stomach is growling. 385 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,787 I said my stomach is growling. 386 00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:39,456 Sp… Okay, uh, speaking of dinner, 387 00:15:39,915 --> 00:15:42,543 there are a lot of great options in North Hollywood. 388 00:15:42,626 --> 00:15:45,546 It's a real hot spot full of young, hip people 389 00:15:45,629 --> 00:15:46,981 who will be the leaders of tomorrow. 390 00:15:47,005 --> 00:15:48,841 - More wine? - Great. 391 00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:53,303 If I were moving to LA now, I'd say yes-ho to NoHo. 392 00:15:53,721 --> 00:15:55,264 Hey, hey, what are you doing? 393 00:15:55,347 --> 00:15:56,765 Oh, my. 394 00:15:56,849 --> 00:15:58,267 Stop touching him, Abby. 395 00:15:58,684 --> 00:15:59,768 I'm sorry, what'd you say? 396 00:16:00,352 --> 00:16:02,021 - Touch him more? - Do not touch him. 397 00:16:02,813 --> 00:16:04,857 What are you… Do not do this right now. 398 00:16:04,940 --> 00:16:06,275 How about that? 399 00:16:07,526 --> 00:16:11,572 As luck would have it, I actually know of a place in North Hollywood 400 00:16:12,322 --> 00:16:13,907 with great tile work. 401 00:16:17,536 --> 00:16:20,539 - I said, "Great tile work." - Oh, for the first 12 months. 402 00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:25,294 I think what you really mean to say is 403 00:16:25,377 --> 00:16:28,505 there's an introductory offer for cable television. 404 00:16:28,589 --> 00:16:30,316 - That's it, yeah… - Cable's a scam, I tell ya. 405 00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:31,759 Sa… Satellite. 406 00:16:32,968 --> 00:16:34,320 What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? 407 00:16:34,344 --> 00:16:35,512 Satellite's where it's at. 408 00:16:35,596 --> 00:16:37,598 Nonsense has the hands of an angel. 409 00:16:37,681 --> 00:16:38,974 Okay, what's going on here? 410 00:16:41,352 --> 00:16:43,479 I told Abby about the apartment, and now she's 411 00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,106 giving Schmidt a special. 412 00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,903 Don't look at me. Just look away. 413 00:16:51,362 --> 00:16:54,114 Look away, look… Or look right at me. 414 00:16:58,577 --> 00:17:00,829 - So this was going on the whole time? - Yes. 415 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,040 And the hands are just the half of it. 416 00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:05,376 I mean, there's been banging and poking and scratching 417 00:17:06,168 --> 00:17:08,504 and hanging and teasing, such teasing. 418 00:17:08,587 --> 00:17:11,215 I mean, really excruciating, life-giving teasing. 419 00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:13,634 Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me. 420 00:17:13,717 --> 00:17:16,637 This has been a whole day of lying and I can't take it. 421 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,098 First I had to lie to Abby, and so I spilled the beans 422 00:17:19,181 --> 00:17:20,474 about the apartment. I'm sorry. 423 00:17:20,557 --> 00:17:23,394 And then I had to lie about Abby and Schmidt and the boning. 424 00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:26,855 And then the manipulating and the out-manipulating… 425 00:17:26,939 --> 00:17:28,273 That's lying! 426 00:17:28,357 --> 00:17:31,652 If you guys were just honest with each other for one second, 427 00:17:31,735 --> 00:17:33,696 none of this would have happened. 428 00:17:33,779 --> 00:17:35,531 Okay. All right. Abby… 429 00:17:36,115 --> 00:17:39,910 I'm really sorry I tried to trick you, but I just want what's best for you. 430 00:17:40,369 --> 00:17:42,705 - One of us has to! - You know, that is your problem. 431 00:17:43,038 --> 00:17:44,683 You think you're better than people and you always try to fix them. 432 00:17:44,707 --> 00:17:46,333 - No, I don't! - Yes, you do. 433 00:17:46,417 --> 00:17:48,103 You've done it your whole life. It's annoying. 434 00:17:48,127 --> 00:17:49,420 You know what? Yes. 435 00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:52,589 Yes. I would like to fix you. No… 436 00:17:52,673 --> 00:17:56,301 I would love to fix you! But I'm done trying. 437 00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:57,636 Because you're not changing. 438 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:02,641 And you don't think or care about other people at all, and I do. 439 00:18:02,725 --> 00:18:04,977 And that's why I don't want you living in this loft. 440 00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,522 That's honest. 441 00:18:09,690 --> 00:18:10,941 You're a garbage person 442 00:18:11,025 --> 00:18:13,105 and you should live in a dumpster with rotten snails. 443 00:18:13,277 --> 00:18:14,778 Hey! Nick! 444 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,007 - Too far! - Yeah, way over the line, buddy. 445 00:18:17,031 --> 00:18:18,133 Yeah, but I thought we were just piling it… 446 00:18:18,157 --> 00:18:20,135 - That's my sister, dude. - I didn't mean that, yeah. 447 00:18:20,159 --> 00:18:22,411 - Sorry. - Well… 448 00:18:22,494 --> 00:18:25,372 Lucky for you, I'm moving out. 449 00:18:25,456 --> 00:18:28,459 Oh, thank God, Abby. Oh, my God. 450 00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:30,127 You're really gonna like this place. 451 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,129 - It's so nice… - I'm moving in with Schmidt. 452 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,815 What… What's that, now? You're moving in with who? 453 00:18:33,839 --> 00:18:35,316 - Seriously? - We would have sex all the time. 454 00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:36,925 Dinner was lovely, you guys. 455 00:18:37,009 --> 00:18:38,677 - Thank you so much. - Bye. 456 00:18:40,054 --> 00:18:41,513 - What? - Ooh. Hey, uh, Jess? 457 00:18:42,264 --> 00:18:44,664 Can I borrow your glasses? We're gonna role-play as you guys. 458 00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:46,060 Ew. No. 459 00:18:46,143 --> 00:18:47,478 You don't understand. 460 00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:49,355 She's not gonna be you. I'm gonna be you. 461 00:18:49,438 --> 00:18:50,790 - Ugh! Get out, Schmidt! - Get out of here! 462 00:18:50,814 --> 00:18:52,191 Okay… 463 00:18:53,484 --> 00:18:55,277 Oh, God! 464 00:18:55,944 --> 00:18:57,529 What's up, my man? 465 00:18:57,613 --> 00:19:00,157 I took the test last week… Or should I say, I took 466 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,117 the front part of the test last week, 467 00:19:02,201 --> 00:19:04,953 and, sir, I am here to finish what I started. 468 00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,206 - What? - What he's trying to say is 469 00:19:07,289 --> 00:19:10,167 he took the entrance exam, but he forgot to do the back half. 470 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,336 Well, the test is administered on a computer. 471 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:13,587 There is no back. 472 00:19:17,091 --> 00:19:19,009 You took the test on a computer? 473 00:19:19,093 --> 00:19:21,136 I choked. I am a failure. I am a loser. 474 00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:24,348 I am never gonna amount to anything. I'm never gonna shoot somebody. 475 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:27,559 Dude, have some dignity, all right? 476 00:19:27,643 --> 00:19:28,977 Thank you for your time, sir. 477 00:19:29,561 --> 00:19:30,729 Winston. 478 00:19:30,813 --> 00:19:33,148 Winston! Yo! 479 00:19:33,232 --> 00:19:34,441 Winston! 480 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,569 Dude, you failed, man. 481 00:19:38,153 --> 00:19:40,698 You fail hard! At everything! 482 00:19:40,989 --> 00:19:43,701 - Dude, this pep talk sucks. - I'm not finished. 483 00:19:43,784 --> 00:19:45,595 Like, seriously, it's like the Winston of pep talks. 484 00:19:45,619 --> 00:19:46,954 Look at me. 485 00:19:47,037 --> 00:19:48,414 You can do this, Winston. 486 00:19:48,747 --> 00:19:51,125 Because now there's nothing to be afraid of. 487 00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:53,585 You hit rock bottom, man. 488 00:19:53,669 --> 00:19:55,504 This is the worst it's gonna get. 489 00:20:00,718 --> 00:20:04,346 Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop. 490 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,890 And no one's gonna stand in my way… 491 00:20:06,974 --> 00:20:08,267 Not you, not him… 492 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:09,977 Hey, I was helping. 493 00:20:10,060 --> 00:20:11,437 And definitely not myself. 494 00:20:12,146 --> 00:20:13,856 I would like to retake this test. 495 00:20:14,857 --> 00:20:16,692 Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow. 496 00:20:17,109 --> 00:20:18,869 Man, what about my last score makes you think 497 00:20:18,944 --> 00:20:20,744 I'm ready to take this test again in 12 hours? 498 00:20:21,905 --> 00:20:23,741 - He'll be there. Yeah. - Yeah, I'll be there. 499 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,328 Thank you for messing everything up and being such a terrible liar. 500 00:20:28,412 --> 00:20:30,492 - Uh, you are very welcome. - I think I really needed 501 00:20:30,539 --> 00:20:31,915 to say that stuff to my sister. 502 00:20:31,999 --> 00:20:34,543 - She's gonna wreck Schmidt. - Oof… 503 00:20:34,626 --> 00:20:36,253 He has no idea. 504 00:20:37,129 --> 00:20:38,630 I'm sorry my family's so crazy. 505 00:20:38,714 --> 00:20:39,715 Crazy? 506 00:20:39,798 --> 00:20:41,592 Your family's not crazy. My family's crazy. 507 00:20:42,176 --> 00:20:43,844 My father used to trade horse semen. 508 00:20:43,927 --> 00:20:46,847 I've got an uncle whose God-given name is Shifty. 509 00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:52,519 Well, thank goodness… We're the sane ones. 510 00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:58,359 - So… Uh-huh. - Okay, now, remember, up, and… 511 00:21:04,406 --> 00:21:06,950 - Hello, Abby. - Hey. S'up? 512 00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:08,928 Have you thought about what you're gonna do 513 00:21:08,952 --> 00:21:10,579 if they pair you with a dirty cop? 514 00:21:12,039 --> 00:21:15,125 Well, then, I would just go to Internal Affairs. 515 00:21:15,209 --> 00:21:16,729 Well, that's a good way to get killed. 516 00:21:17,044 --> 00:21:18,271 Then at least I would die a hero. 517 00:21:18,295 --> 00:21:19,505 Hmm, no, you won't. 518 00:21:20,172 --> 00:21:21,983 They'll put you in panties and then they'll plant you 519 00:21:22,007 --> 00:21:23,175 next to a dead prostitute. 520 00:21:24,093 --> 00:21:25,302 That's a poor lady. 521 00:21:25,386 --> 00:21:27,054 It'd be a dude. 522 00:21:27,137 --> 00:21:29,098 But it's awesome! 523 00:21:29,181 --> 00:21:31,517 Good luck on the exam! 524 00:21:33,936 --> 00:21:35,813 They got dude prostitutes? 525 00:21:36,563 --> 00:21:37,773 Nuh-uh.