1 00:00:02,242 --> 00:00:04,453 We're all adults. What's the harm? 2 00:00:04,536 --> 00:00:09,958 We can do this with dignity, self-restraint and, dare I say, honor. 3 00:00:10,042 --> 00:00:11,793 The game is True American. 4 00:00:11,877 --> 00:00:13,712 One, two, three, four, JFK! 5 00:00:13,795 --> 00:00:14,963 FDR! 6 00:00:16,131 --> 00:00:17,591 King of the castle, baby! 7 00:00:17,674 --> 00:00:20,677 Grover Cleveland round! Non-consecutive shots! 8 00:00:21,929 --> 00:00:23,013 Sorry. 9 00:00:24,473 --> 00:00:26,058 Welcome to Ellis Island, folks. 10 00:00:26,141 --> 00:00:27,643 - You're a Bill. - Ah! 11 00:00:27,726 --> 00:00:29,353 You're a George. 12 00:00:29,436 --> 00:00:31,021 - You're a Bill. - Ah. 13 00:00:31,104 --> 00:00:32,814 You're Greek. Get out of here! 14 00:00:32,898 --> 00:00:35,043 - What? Why am I Greek? - You're a Greek. Get out of here! 15 00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:36,267 - Get out of here. - And you… 16 00:00:37,861 --> 00:00:39,530 - He's got the plague! Scatter! - Oh! 17 00:00:39,613 --> 00:00:40,906 Hello! 18 00:00:44,701 --> 00:00:46,620 Taft just sat on you! 19 00:00:49,706 --> 00:00:52,084 My name is Eli Whitney, and I created the cotton gin. 20 00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:54,169 Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! 21 00:00:54,253 --> 00:00:55,546 Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! 22 00:00:55,629 --> 00:00:57,422 Gin! Gin! Gin! Oh! 23 00:01:02,719 --> 00:01:04,096 Oh, God. 24 00:01:04,888 --> 00:01:06,348 Who's that girl? 25 00:01:06,431 --> 00:01:07,516 Who's that girl? 26 00:01:07,599 --> 00:01:08,934 It's Jess! 27 00:01:13,522 --> 00:01:16,942 Son of a… 28 00:01:17,025 --> 00:01:19,528 Jessica, did we die? 29 00:01:20,362 --> 00:01:22,364 No. Alive. 30 00:01:22,447 --> 00:01:25,159 Shh… Turkey bacon. 31 00:01:25,784 --> 00:01:27,703 Mm. That's nice. 32 00:01:27,786 --> 00:01:29,955 - That's ni, Nick. - That's ni. 33 00:01:30,038 --> 00:01:31,081 N… 34 00:01:31,165 --> 00:01:32,958 Get sleep. 35 00:01:33,041 --> 00:01:35,919 Yeah. 36 00:01:36,003 --> 00:01:37,713 Help me up. 37 00:01:39,631 --> 00:01:43,010 I'm trying. You're too… 38 00:01:44,428 --> 00:01:46,096 You drink some water. 39 00:01:47,264 --> 00:01:50,017 Aw, son of a bitch, the water fell on the ground. 40 00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,060 Here. Here you go. 41 00:01:52,936 --> 00:01:55,397 Drink the water. That's good. 42 00:01:57,399 --> 00:01:58,400 - No. - Oh, no. 43 00:01:58,483 --> 00:02:00,235 - No. - Oh, make it stop. 44 00:02:00,319 --> 00:02:02,196 - Jessica, make it stop. - No! 45 00:02:04,031 --> 00:02:05,407 Oh. 46 00:02:06,658 --> 00:02:07,784 Hello. 47 00:02:07,868 --> 00:02:10,329 Jess, where are you? It's Jacob's first birthday. 48 00:02:10,412 --> 00:02:12,331 You're his godmother, I need you here. 49 00:02:12,414 --> 00:02:16,376 Sir, hi. Who are you? This is a private residence. 50 00:02:16,460 --> 00:02:18,170 I'll be right there. 51 00:02:22,257 --> 00:02:25,511 Hey, Nick. It's me, Jess. I have really bad news. 52 00:02:25,594 --> 00:02:28,305 We have to go to a one-year-old's birthday party. 53 00:02:29,056 --> 00:02:32,184 I'm not interested in that birthday party. Thank you for the invitation. 54 00:02:32,267 --> 00:02:33,727 Good night. 55 00:02:33,810 --> 00:02:37,272 I'm so hungover. Why today? 56 00:02:37,356 --> 00:02:39,316 What? You think it went bad? 57 00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:41,276 We're your new neighbors. 58 00:02:45,113 --> 00:02:48,617 Um, I think y-your bagel fell out of your mouth. 59 00:02:49,576 --> 00:02:50,828 I'm Jewish. 60 00:02:51,453 --> 00:02:54,248 Why didn't you guys tell me I was still wearing ladies' sunglasses? 61 00:02:54,915 --> 00:02:57,292 I look like Magic Johnson's son, EJ. 62 00:02:57,376 --> 00:03:00,879 Hey, you guys, I got a problem. You know that guy that I'm dating? 63 00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:02,589 Buster, your child bride? 64 00:03:02,673 --> 00:03:04,174 He's 20, okay? Not that it matters. 65 00:03:04,258 --> 00:03:06,402 - Is he smooth all over? - Does he take baths in the sink? 66 00:03:06,426 --> 00:03:08,929 I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night. 67 00:03:09,012 --> 00:03:10,472 - What? - Mmm. 68 00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:13,433 - Oh, dear Lord. - I know. 69 00:03:13,517 --> 00:03:15,102 "I miss the way that your hands smell"? 70 00:03:15,185 --> 00:03:17,062 Did you write an entire Jewel song in here? 71 00:03:17,145 --> 00:03:18,188 Is it from Pieces of You? 72 00:03:18,272 --> 00:03:19,898 You want to buy a rabbit with him? 73 00:03:19,982 --> 00:03:22,568 This isn't a text message. It's a freaking Russian novel. 74 00:03:22,651 --> 00:03:24,695 Okay, well, you know what, what do I do? 75 00:03:24,778 --> 00:03:27,447 Text him one of the little yellow men. The-the emoticons. 76 00:03:27,531 --> 00:03:30,367 You know, with the… With the fa… With the faces. 77 00:03:30,450 --> 00:03:31,743 I hate all of you. 78 00:03:32,161 --> 00:03:34,496 Okay, so we really tanked it with those babes. 79 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:36,415 Look, we need to orchestrate a situation 80 00:03:36,498 --> 00:03:38,375 which allows us to put our best foot forward. 81 00:03:38,458 --> 00:03:39,644 That's easy. We help 'em move. 82 00:03:39,668 --> 00:03:41,879 Winston, Winston… Shh. 83 00:03:41,962 --> 00:03:43,839 Why? It makes perfect sense. 84 00:03:43,922 --> 00:03:46,276 Helping a girl move makes you come off as a doormat, you know what I mean? 85 00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:49,261 Honey, honey, honey, just… Listen to Coach. 86 00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:53,557 Baby, look, let us handle this, okay? You go help Cece with the text messages. 87 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,225 - You know, maybe I will. - Okay. 88 00:03:55,309 --> 00:03:57,352 But only because I really do enjoy helping people. 89 00:03:58,187 --> 00:04:01,857 - You're gonna be great, buddy. - You're gonna do good things, man. 90 00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:04,526 - You think we were too harsh on him? - He makes you. He does. 91 00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:06,153 Don't blame yourself. 92 00:04:10,157 --> 00:04:12,409 How the hell did this happen? 93 00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:14,620 I found some things and I put them on. 94 00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:17,456 - Throw this on. - Mm. 95 00:04:17,539 --> 00:04:19,666 - Okay. That'll do it. - Cover up the tops. 96 00:04:21,251 --> 00:04:22,336 You look great. 97 00:04:22,419 --> 00:04:25,047 No. 98 00:04:25,130 --> 00:04:27,424 I couldn't have done it without you. 99 00:04:27,508 --> 00:04:30,236 No, you're… You're getting emotional. You do this when you're hungover, 100 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:32,900 but I'm gonna need you to stay focused so we can get to that party. 101 00:04:32,971 --> 00:04:35,390 - Yeah. We just need the gift. - Yeah. 102 00:04:35,474 --> 00:04:37,267 I got the gift. All right. 103 00:04:39,353 --> 00:04:40,604 Why is it in the box? 104 00:04:40,687 --> 00:04:42,487 It's supposed to be out of the box, assembled. 105 00:04:42,564 --> 00:04:44,334 I said I would put it together before the party, 106 00:04:44,358 --> 00:04:46,278 and it's before the party. So what's the problem? 107 00:04:46,610 --> 00:04:48,362 Just give me five minutes. 108 00:04:51,698 --> 00:04:55,118 Ten minutes, tops. But I got this thing. 109 00:04:56,203 --> 00:04:57,746 This is it. 110 00:04:58,997 --> 00:05:00,332 Christmas morning. 111 00:05:01,917 --> 00:05:06,171 Our little guy waiting by the fireplace, but there's no gift. 112 00:05:06,255 --> 00:05:09,383 'Cause Daddy's in the other room putting it together. 113 00:05:09,466 --> 00:05:11,218 Did you say "our" kid? 114 00:05:11,301 --> 00:05:13,971 Yeah, sometimes I think about what our kid would be like. 115 00:05:14,054 --> 00:05:15,389 Don't you? 116 00:05:16,390 --> 00:05:17,391 Yeah. 117 00:05:17,474 --> 00:05:18,794 You don't think about the future? 118 00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:20,328 Can we not talk about this right now? 119 00:05:20,352 --> 00:05:23,313 Six hours ago, I was lapping cognac out of Winston's hands. 120 00:05:23,397 --> 00:05:25,315 Drink it up, Checkers. Forget what you saw. 121 00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:28,151 Never talk about anything serious when you're hungover, Jess. 122 00:05:28,235 --> 00:05:29,963 I don't even really think about it that much. 123 00:05:29,987 --> 00:05:32,614 I just think about, you know, passing things. Just… 124 00:05:32,698 --> 00:05:35,409 Nothing specific. We live in a house by a lake. 125 00:05:35,492 --> 00:05:36,594 That sounds pretty specific. 126 00:05:36,618 --> 00:05:39,013 We live in a town with a sense of history but not so much history 127 00:05:39,037 --> 00:05:40,998 that the locals are suspicious of new people. 128 00:05:41,081 --> 00:05:42,749 Two small children 129 00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:45,878 who are so incredibly creative they named themselves. 130 00:05:45,961 --> 00:05:47,588 We don't need to discipline the kids 131 00:05:47,671 --> 00:05:49,798 'cause they're so afraid of disappointing us. 132 00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:51,300 Our house smells like cider. 133 00:05:51,383 --> 00:05:55,387 And if there's a horse out back, you're not gonna get any guff from me. 134 00:05:55,846 --> 00:05:58,348 Anyway, that's where I'm at. 135 00:05:59,308 --> 00:06:02,394 What are you… What are you thinking? What, um… 136 00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:04,563 Where do you picture us? 137 00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:06,982 Where do you… Nick. 138 00:06:07,065 --> 00:06:08,150 Nick. 139 00:06:13,614 --> 00:06:16,700 Mmm, mmm. Oh, God. 140 00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:18,452 I still feel like crap. 141 00:06:18,535 --> 00:06:20,537 Guys, will you, um, look at this follow-up text 142 00:06:20,621 --> 00:06:22,206 that I'm sending to Buster, please? 143 00:06:22,289 --> 00:06:24,017 - It's for the little boy? - Try to be helpful, okay? 144 00:06:24,041 --> 00:06:26,627 What are we looking at here? Are those nursing cats? 145 00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:28,045 Winston said it was funny. 146 00:06:28,128 --> 00:06:29,314 - It's not. It's incoherent. - No. 147 00:06:29,338 --> 00:06:31,256 It's borderline pornographic. 148 00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:33,675 Wait, those are not cats. That's a human man! 149 00:06:33,759 --> 00:06:35,570 - Oh! - What is he suck… What is he sucking on? 150 00:06:35,594 --> 00:06:38,114 - What Web sites are you going to? - What are you guys doing out here? 151 00:06:38,138 --> 00:06:40,140 Obviously we're creating an accidental bump-in 152 00:06:40,224 --> 00:06:42,518 with our hot new neighbors. Elevator's on the move. 153 00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:44,601 You got to go. You're too hot. You'll confuse them. 154 00:06:46,605 --> 00:06:48,732 Yes, well, of course. It's my garden party, 155 00:06:48,815 --> 00:06:50,817 and Zachary Quinto is not on the list. 156 00:06:50,901 --> 00:06:53,111 Um, you sure you can handle that, Winston? 157 00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,756 - I'm fine. I'm fine. - Ooh. Are you sure? 158 00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:56,198 I'm fine. I'm fine. 159 00:06:56,281 --> 00:06:58,242 To the right a little bit. Up right. 160 00:06:58,325 --> 00:07:00,452 - Son of a bitch. - Okay. Thank you so much. 161 00:07:00,536 --> 00:07:03,455 We'll get you some nice cold lemonade after this, okay? 162 00:07:03,539 --> 00:07:04,581 Ooh, be careful. 163 00:07:04,665 --> 00:07:06,375 Oh! Good Lord. 164 00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:08,520 You know what, we don't have to talk about the future. 165 00:07:08,544 --> 00:07:11,064 - Let's just put this toy together. - I want to talk about the future. 166 00:07:11,088 --> 00:07:12,941 - Okay. Great. All right. - I would love to talk about it. 167 00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:15,805 Yes, great. I always thought it would be cool to be a long-haul trucker. 168 00:07:15,843 --> 00:07:18,262 You want to be a long-haul trucker with a family? 169 00:07:18,345 --> 00:07:21,098 No, the family would be in Montana. Or-or Mars Landing, 170 00:07:21,181 --> 00:07:23,308 you know, if the government finally steps up. 171 00:07:24,393 --> 00:07:25,686 Where is Mars Landing? 172 00:07:25,769 --> 00:07:27,580 Where is Mars Landing? It's on M… It's on Mars. 173 00:07:27,604 --> 00:07:29,606 It's the American capital of Mars. 174 00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:32,544 And if you don't think there's gonna be space travel in the next 20 years, 175 00:07:32,568 --> 00:07:35,946 then you've got your head buried in sand, girlie. 176 00:07:36,029 --> 00:07:37,781 - I… - It's already basically happening. 177 00:07:37,865 --> 00:07:39,825 I always thought I'd move back to Portland. 178 00:07:39,908 --> 00:07:41,285 Oh. Portland, Earth? 179 00:07:41,368 --> 00:07:43,036 It's like friendly San Francisco. 180 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,456 Slow food, fast bicycles, great schools… 181 00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:47,851 Education is very important to me. 182 00:07:47,875 --> 00:07:50,377 That makes me happy. It's something we agree on. 183 00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:52,921 - I really want my kids to beg for it. - What? 184 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:54,566 'Cause if you force a kid into school, he's gonna hate it. 185 00:07:54,590 --> 00:07:56,550 - Oh, no. - If you make a kid work 186 00:07:56,633 --> 00:07:58,594 and sit in the yard and grind and grind 187 00:07:58,677 --> 00:07:59,678 - and grind… - What? 188 00:07:59,761 --> 00:08:02,042 Eventually, that little kid is gonna beg for education. 189 00:08:02,097 --> 00:08:04,349 Then you hand it to them like the gift that it should be. 190 00:08:04,433 --> 00:08:05,434 No! 191 00:08:05,517 --> 00:08:07,060 That's why public school's a joke. 192 00:08:07,144 --> 00:08:10,189 I'm so hungover, and my body's shutting down, 193 00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:13,192 and nothing you're saying makes any sense. 194 00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:15,755 There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. 195 00:08:17,487 --> 00:08:21,116 The name of my firstborn child has to be Reginald VelJohnson. 196 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,743 I lost a bet to Schmidt. 197 00:08:22,826 --> 00:08:24,203 Reginald VelJohnson? 198 00:08:24,286 --> 00:08:26,497 That is non-negotiable. Unfortunately. 199 00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:27,998 The dad from Family Matters? 200 00:08:28,081 --> 00:08:30,401 Well, the actor who plays the dad. The dad is Carl Winslow. 201 00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:31,919 What was the bet on? 202 00:08:32,002 --> 00:08:35,088 I said I could flip a big pancake… and I couldn't. 203 00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:40,344 How is this going to work? 204 00:08:40,427 --> 00:08:44,306 The only upside is the original name was gonna be Ass Baby, 205 00:08:45,098 --> 00:08:47,684 and I kind of talked my way out of that one. 206 00:08:47,768 --> 00:08:49,568 All of the guys in this building are so sweet. 207 00:08:49,603 --> 00:08:51,247 - It's no problem, yeah. - Couldn't be easier, really. 208 00:08:51,271 --> 00:08:53,649 - Just a p… piece of cake. - We love it. 209 00:08:54,191 --> 00:08:56,235 You know, it was my idea to help move. 210 00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:58,338 The only reason we're doing this is because you forced us to. 211 00:08:58,362 --> 00:08:59,797 If we don't help now, we'll look bad. 212 00:08:59,821 --> 00:09:02,866 Yeah, now they're gonna think of us as "nice" and "helpful." Nightmare. 213 00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:05,536 - Hey. - Hey. 214 00:09:05,619 --> 00:09:08,580 Oh, cool! Uh… your brother? 215 00:09:08,664 --> 00:09:12,584 - Actually, it's my boyfriend. - Yet he's not here to help you move. 216 00:09:12,668 --> 00:09:14,336 - He's out of the country. - Oh! 217 00:09:14,419 --> 00:09:15,712 Afghanistan. Second tour. 218 00:09:15,796 --> 00:09:17,381 - Ah… - Oh… 219 00:09:17,464 --> 00:09:18,942 Please thank him for, uh, for his service. 220 00:09:18,966 --> 00:09:19,967 Yeah. 221 00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:21,426 Are you and your boyfriend 222 00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:23,679 and Michelle and her boyfriend gonna go on a, like, 223 00:09:23,762 --> 00:09:26,515 double date kind of thing whenever he gets back from Afghanistan? 224 00:09:26,598 --> 00:09:29,643 She doesn't have a boyfriend. She's not really the relationship type. 225 00:09:29,726 --> 00:09:30,769 - Oh. - Okay. 226 00:09:30,853 --> 00:09:32,354 I'm just having fun right now. 227 00:09:32,437 --> 00:09:34,398 I feel you. No, I feel you. 228 00:09:34,481 --> 00:09:35,983 Girl, I want to feel you… 229 00:09:36,692 --> 00:09:38,986 - And then there was one. - May the best man win. 230 00:09:39,069 --> 00:09:40,755 - I am also involved in this. - Winston, get out of here. 231 00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:41,780 What is your problem? 232 00:09:41,864 --> 00:09:43,574 And then there were three guys… 233 00:09:43,657 --> 00:09:44,908 Here's what I'm saying. 234 00:09:44,992 --> 00:09:48,996 Reginald is way too shy to beg for an education. 235 00:09:49,079 --> 00:09:51,290 He's very sensitive, and when he's out on the horse, 236 00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:54,459 all he's doing is staring at leaves and writing poems about them. 237 00:09:54,543 --> 00:09:56,461 Why do we have a horse? You know how many people 238 00:09:56,545 --> 00:09:58,022 - are killed on a horse every year? - Hey! 239 00:09:58,046 --> 00:10:01,592 You're not listening to what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, 240 00:10:01,675 --> 00:10:05,137 I'm not gonna take Reginald out on the damn lake 241 00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,222 when you're out on your space truck… 242 00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:09,391 We're not living by the lake. 243 00:10:09,474 --> 00:10:12,811 Why would I spend my hard-earned truck driver money on an Earth house? 244 00:10:12,895 --> 00:10:15,105 - You make up so much science fiction… - Science, 245 00:10:15,189 --> 00:10:16,773 but you know nothing about science. 246 00:10:16,857 --> 00:10:18,459 - Do you know what science is? - Okay, science is more of a belief 247 00:10:18,483 --> 00:10:20,545 - than anything else. - No. Do you know what science is? 248 00:10:20,569 --> 00:10:22,088 - Yes. What you believe in. - Have you ever taken a science class? 249 00:10:22,112 --> 00:10:23,697 I've taught two at a community college. 250 00:10:23,780 --> 00:10:26,200 When did you teach science at a community college? 251 00:10:26,283 --> 00:10:28,511 I made that up. I didn't think you were gonna fact-check me. 252 00:10:28,535 --> 00:10:31,205 My kids are not gonna beg for an education, okay? 253 00:10:31,288 --> 00:10:34,124 They're gonna be forced to go to school just like everybody else, 254 00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:35,792 and they're gonna hate it! 255 00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:38,253 Can I actually be very real with you for a second? 256 00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:39,838 - Yes. - Here's what I really believe. 257 00:10:40,297 --> 00:10:43,050 You can create a plan for your life, 258 00:10:43,133 --> 00:10:45,636 and then crazy things get thrown at you, 259 00:10:45,719 --> 00:10:50,140 and that, by the way, is the closest thing that I have to a plan. 260 00:10:50,224 --> 00:10:54,061 So maybe it's crazy to talk about being an intergalactic truck driver. 261 00:10:54,144 --> 00:10:58,565 But what I think is crazier is trying to plan every single detail of our future. 262 00:10:58,649 --> 00:11:00,067 I think it's crazy not to. 263 00:11:00,150 --> 00:11:02,861 - I just can't live that way. - I guess we just disagree. 264 00:11:02,945 --> 00:11:05,113 Well, we never agree on anything, ever, Nick. 265 00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:07,491 Why are we doing this right now, Jess? We're hungover. 266 00:11:07,574 --> 00:11:10,011 Just because I want to know we're going in the same direction, 267 00:11:10,035 --> 00:11:11,638 - that we're on the same page. - Yes, we are. 268 00:11:11,662 --> 00:11:13,831 - Well, we live on different planets! - Oh… 269 00:11:13,914 --> 00:11:15,791 You're talking about the fake future! 270 00:11:19,086 --> 00:11:20,170 I just… 271 00:11:21,255 --> 00:11:22,965 I guess we want different things. 272 00:11:23,048 --> 00:11:24,174 Clearly, we do. 273 00:11:24,258 --> 00:11:25,259 Clearly, we do. 274 00:11:25,342 --> 00:11:27,662 All right, so what are you saying? Should we just break up? 275 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,402 Yeah, right. Like we're just gonna break up! 276 00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:45,445 - Just break up! - Over what? 277 00:11:45,529 --> 00:11:48,073 You don't like lakes, I don't like space. That's okay! 278 00:11:48,156 --> 00:11:49,741 This is not why people break up! 279 00:11:49,825 --> 00:11:51,577 I break up with thee, sir! 280 00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:52,870 I break up… 281 00:11:52,953 --> 00:11:54,079 I don't do voices. 282 00:11:54,163 --> 00:11:55,914 I think I'm still drunk. 283 00:11:55,998 --> 00:11:57,118 Let's just get to the party. 284 00:11:57,166 --> 00:11:58,542 - Build this toy and go. - Yeah. 285 00:11:58,625 --> 00:12:01,503 - Let's do it. - We are an unstoppable toy-building team! 286 00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:04,131 - Yes, we are. - Yeah. 287 00:12:04,214 --> 00:12:07,054 All right, well, first hurdle, the instructions are written upside-down. 288 00:12:07,676 --> 00:12:09,386 Ah, it's a false alarm. 289 00:12:09,469 --> 00:12:10,888 Okay, hit me. What do you got? 290 00:12:11,346 --> 00:12:13,599 Okay, take the thing that looks like a meth lab. 291 00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:14,683 This thing? 292 00:12:14,766 --> 00:12:17,144 And put it in the thing that looks like a pipe bomb. 293 00:12:17,227 --> 00:12:19,021 - Oh, hey! - Hey! 294 00:12:19,104 --> 00:12:21,106 Now we're cooking with gas. 295 00:12:21,190 --> 00:12:22,774 - We're a good team. - I agree. 296 00:12:22,858 --> 00:12:25,086 You know what, Jess… And if you want to move to Portland in the future, 297 00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:26,421 then we're gonna move to Portland. 298 00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:27,755 You know, we'll live by the lake. 299 00:12:27,779 --> 00:12:29,114 I'll learn to fish, 300 00:12:29,198 --> 00:12:32,159 and me and Reginald will start a newsletter, you know… 301 00:12:32,242 --> 00:12:33,744 "Lake Father, Lake Son." 302 00:12:33,827 --> 00:12:36,330 And you know what? If you want to be a long-haul trucker, 303 00:12:36,413 --> 00:12:38,207 I can deal with that for six months, tops. 304 00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:39,970 - Yes! - Um, this piece is a little sticky, 305 00:12:40,042 --> 00:12:42,711 - but I think I can just jam it. - Ah! What did you just do, Jess? 306 00:12:42,794 --> 00:12:45,339 Oh. Well, I put the swastika in the guillotine. 307 00:12:45,422 --> 00:12:47,341 How is this a children's toy? 308 00:12:47,424 --> 00:12:49,134 Why is it so brittle? 309 00:12:49,885 --> 00:12:52,387 - What is that? - I'm not sure what I've been doing. 310 00:12:53,055 --> 00:12:54,681 Hey, Michelle. 311 00:12:54,765 --> 00:12:57,809 Hey. You guys are lifesavers. 312 00:12:57,893 --> 00:13:00,497 You have beautiful taste, by the way. Really. Is this early Californian? 313 00:13:00,521 --> 00:13:03,690 You know, this color, actually, it symbolizes a woman's fertility. 314 00:13:03,774 --> 00:13:06,068 Huh. I was pregnant once. 315 00:13:06,693 --> 00:13:07,694 Cool. 316 00:13:07,778 --> 00:13:09,018 - What-what do you know? - Yeah. 317 00:13:09,071 --> 00:13:10,431 - Thank you, guys. - No, thank you. 318 00:13:10,489 --> 00:13:11,657 - So much. - You bet. 319 00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:13,909 All right. Talk to you la… You see her blink at me? 320 00:13:13,992 --> 00:13:16,095 Wait, you think that was a sex blink? That wasn't a sex blink. 321 00:13:16,119 --> 00:13:17,639 That was definitely a sex blink, dude. 322 00:13:17,704 --> 00:13:19,474 You would not know a sex blink if it blinked you in the sex. 323 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,458 - What? - It's over already, man. 324 00:13:21,542 --> 00:13:22,668 You don't have a shot. 325 00:13:22,751 --> 00:13:25,254 'Cause the chicks you pull are gremlins. 326 00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:28,549 You did not just talk about my chicks. My chicks look great. 327 00:13:28,632 --> 00:13:29,633 Just like me. 328 00:13:30,551 --> 00:13:33,679 I'm saying my chicks literally look just like me. All of 'em. 329 00:13:34,179 --> 00:13:36,306 In varying color, but they look like me. 330 00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:39,059 That is super awkward, and I don't feel like you know what 331 00:13:39,142 --> 00:13:40,894 - you're saying right now. - Whoops! 332 00:13:40,978 --> 00:13:42,354 - Oh… - Coach! 333 00:13:42,437 --> 00:13:45,190 Oh, man, I can't believe you just did that to her vase. 334 00:13:46,275 --> 00:13:47,818 Whoa! Dude! 335 00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:50,404 I will knock you out where you stand, and you… in the ground. 336 00:13:50,487 --> 00:13:51,631 I will pound you from the side! 337 00:13:51,655 --> 00:13:53,657 I will pound you from the back! That sounded weird. 338 00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:57,411 Once again, Schmidt has found himself in a position where he is infuriated! 339 00:13:57,494 --> 00:13:58,829 I will fight your face! 340 00:13:58,912 --> 00:14:01,891 I will freak out so hard on you right now, you don't even know, on your face. 341 00:14:01,915 --> 00:14:03,417 What are you two… 342 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:05,502 Oh, my goodness. Guys! 343 00:14:05,586 --> 00:14:09,006 Her study-abroad mirror? Her dream vase? 344 00:14:09,089 --> 00:14:10,465 Come on, guys. 345 00:14:12,384 --> 00:14:14,094 Have some self-respect. 346 00:14:14,803 --> 00:14:15,804 We're… 347 00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,222 Hey, Jess? 348 00:14:17,681 --> 00:14:20,851 I don't think that belongs there. That's why it doesn't fit in. 349 00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:23,645 Well, I don't think this water bottle goes here, either. 350 00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:24,938 But you put it there. 351 00:14:25,022 --> 00:14:26,857 Well, why did we take the toy out of the box? 352 00:14:26,940 --> 00:14:28,942 We could have just given the box to the kid. 353 00:14:29,026 --> 00:14:31,195 What does he know? He's one. He eats pennies. 354 00:14:31,278 --> 00:14:32,362 And he poos in his pants. 355 00:14:32,446 --> 00:14:34,206 Because not putting the toy together is lazy. 356 00:14:34,239 --> 00:14:36,926 - So, if we can't put the toy together… - I-I know, but it's not gonna fit. 357 00:14:36,950 --> 00:14:38,386 You can't just keep pushing it because it… 358 00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:41,872 - Oh, God. Okay, where's the tape? - Oh, we used all the tape. 359 00:14:41,955 --> 00:14:44,434 - Oh, you used all the tape. - Yeah, to fix the things that you broke. 360 00:14:44,458 --> 00:14:47,138 - You used a lot of duct tape. - Actually you broke a lot of pieces. 361 00:14:48,253 --> 00:14:50,064 All right, give it to me. I'm gonna use a lighter. 362 00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:52,549 And I'm gonna melt the plastic. I'm gonna weld it together. 363 00:14:52,633 --> 00:14:54,068 What? You don't think that's a good idea? 364 00:14:54,092 --> 00:14:56,512 No, you should, I think you should try it. 365 00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:58,639 I also like doing Zippo tricks. 366 00:15:02,559 --> 00:15:05,479 - Ow! Aah, I burned my finger! - What happened? Are you okay? 367 00:15:05,562 --> 00:15:07,242 Yeah, it's fine. My skin's a little bubbly. 368 00:15:07,314 --> 00:15:10,001 - Well, I knew that was a bad idea. - Then why didn't you say anything? 369 00:15:10,025 --> 00:15:13,570 Why didn't you put the toy together when I gave it to you two weeks ago? 370 00:15:13,654 --> 00:15:15,155 Because I'm not Santa Claus! 371 00:15:15,239 --> 00:15:18,242 I don't just put toys together two weeks in advance! 372 00:15:18,325 --> 00:15:21,787 And also, it's none of my business what they want to do with the toy. 373 00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:23,121 Maybe they want to return it. 374 00:15:23,205 --> 00:15:25,916 Maybe they want to put it together as a family. 375 00:15:25,999 --> 00:15:30,087 That is not my business. What do you want from me, Jess? 376 00:15:30,170 --> 00:15:33,149 I just want you to take a little more responsibility. Just a little bit more. 377 00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:34,925 And I want you to have a little faith in me! 378 00:15:35,008 --> 00:15:38,762 I've gotten this far in my life. And I'm doing just fine. 379 00:15:40,597 --> 00:15:41,890 I mean, for the most part. 380 00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:45,185 There's definitely a few blunders here and there that we could look past. 381 00:15:45,269 --> 00:15:48,021 Whatever… The blanket's on fire! 382 00:15:48,105 --> 00:15:51,024 - I can see that, Jess. Go get a bucket. - Where is it? In the kitchen? 383 00:15:51,108 --> 00:15:53,110 No, that's for meat. We need a different bucket. 384 00:15:53,193 --> 00:15:55,362 Oh, right! The famous meat bucket! 385 00:15:55,445 --> 00:15:57,173 You said the meat bucket was a brilliant idea! 386 00:15:57,197 --> 00:16:01,577 Why would I think an unrefrigerated bucket of meat was a good idea? 387 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:04,788 To taste what meat tasted like before electricity! 388 00:16:04,872 --> 00:16:06,415 Why would you want that? 389 00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:09,168 - Why did you say it was brilliant? - Because, Nick… 390 00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:12,921 If I was always honest with you 391 00:16:13,964 --> 00:16:16,258 then we would never stop fighting. 392 00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:21,263 - Let's go! - We have to go! 393 00:16:21,346 --> 00:16:22,890 Wait, my hat! 394 00:16:22,973 --> 00:16:24,600 - What? - My hat. 395 00:16:27,978 --> 00:16:30,272 - So sorry. I'm sorry. - So sorry. Sorry. 396 00:16:30,355 --> 00:16:33,150 It was uncool. I'm so sorry! Do you need… 397 00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:34,651 Here, do you want… Oh. 398 00:16:34,735 --> 00:16:36,945 - How did this happen? - It was Winston's fault. 399 00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:39,615 - He just ca… He carries things wrong. - What? 400 00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:42,993 I have heard just about enough from you two. 401 00:16:43,076 --> 00:16:44,077 What? Ow! 402 00:16:44,161 --> 00:16:45,704 Winston! 403 00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:49,708 Girls, I know you're both smart enough to know exactly who broke your things. 404 00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:52,669 It's the same two clowns who've been trying to sex Michelle 405 00:16:52,753 --> 00:16:54,421 every which way from Tuesday. 406 00:16:54,505 --> 00:16:55,899 I mean, I ain't gonna lie. I've been trying 407 00:16:55,923 --> 00:16:58,008 to sex you every which way from Tuesday myself. 408 00:16:58,091 --> 00:17:01,011 I'd be crazy not to, Michelle. You're a very beautiful woman. 409 00:17:01,094 --> 00:17:02,971 You have crazy witch eyes, and I dig it. 410 00:17:03,263 --> 00:17:05,265 You're like a witch! You know. 411 00:17:05,349 --> 00:17:07,059 But I'm a good guy. 412 00:17:09,269 --> 00:17:12,064 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do. 413 00:17:12,773 --> 00:17:16,610 My name is Winston Bishop. Welcome to the building. 414 00:17:16,693 --> 00:17:19,613 - Whoa, Winston, I would not… That's a… - Winston, what are you doing? 415 00:17:19,696 --> 00:17:20,989 That's a big… 416 00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:22,115 - Okay. - Aah! 417 00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,368 Oh! Whoa! 418 00:17:24,451 --> 00:17:25,452 Son of a… 419 00:17:25,536 --> 00:17:27,597 Winston, you do know that the building's on fire, right? 420 00:17:27,621 --> 00:17:29,790 I got this! Move, move! 421 00:17:29,873 --> 00:17:31,083 Cece, hey. 422 00:17:31,166 --> 00:17:34,753 Oh, hey, um, I didn't think you would pick up the phone. 423 00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:37,649 I'll-I'll make this quick. 'Cause I'm sure you hate talking on the phone. 424 00:17:37,673 --> 00:17:39,091 Oh, I actually do. 425 00:17:39,174 --> 00:17:42,261 'Cause I'd much rather, um, talk in person. 426 00:17:42,344 --> 00:17:44,221 You know? Face to face? 427 00:17:44,304 --> 00:17:46,640 What are you doing here? 428 00:17:46,723 --> 00:17:49,601 I just, I was, uh, walking over here to see you. 429 00:17:49,685 --> 00:17:51,645 - Mm-hmm. - And then you called me. 430 00:17:52,312 --> 00:17:54,857 Didn't all those texts really freak you out? 431 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,877 Oh, no, no, no, no. They freaked me out. I thought you were gonna murder me. 432 00:17:57,901 --> 00:18:00,571 You know, I called my mother, changed my locks. 433 00:18:00,654 --> 00:18:02,534 Then I kind of, you know, had a change of heart, 434 00:18:02,573 --> 00:18:04,575 and I thought, "Well, you know, I like this girl." 435 00:18:04,658 --> 00:18:07,411 I'd much rather just come and look at you with my eyes. 436 00:18:07,494 --> 00:18:09,121 And talk to you with my face. 437 00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:11,748 If you ever got off the damn phone. 438 00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:15,169 - Yeah. - Right? 439 00:18:15,252 --> 00:18:17,252 - I, mm-hmm. I understand. - Hi, Cece. How are you? 440 00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:18,964 - Hungover? - Yes. 441 00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:20,883 Would you like to come and get some pancakes? 442 00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:22,152 Yeah, I could, I could use some pancakes. 443 00:18:22,176 --> 00:18:24,576 It's gonna be a bouncy ride. My kangaroo's around the corner. 444 00:18:25,220 --> 00:18:27,306 But I did bring an extra helmet. You're lucky. 445 00:18:29,474 --> 00:18:30,642 All right. 446 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:37,608 Nick, why is this so hard? I don't want to fight all the time. 447 00:18:37,691 --> 00:18:39,443 I don't know, and it's awful. 448 00:18:42,112 --> 00:18:44,615 Do you ever miss when we were just friends, Jess? 449 00:18:44,698 --> 00:18:47,451 And there wasn't this pressure to be together and to be… 450 00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:49,953 - Be different people? - Yes. Be different people. 451 00:18:50,871 --> 00:18:53,957 I'm sorry, but I'm not that guy who's gonna put the toy together. 452 00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:55,125 That's just not me. 453 00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:56,603 I'm the kind of guy who's gonna leave it in the box. 454 00:18:56,627 --> 00:18:59,296 I don't want you to be that guy. I-I want you to be yourself. 455 00:18:59,379 --> 00:19:01,006 I want you to be yourself. 456 00:19:04,801 --> 00:19:05,802 Are we… 457 00:19:05,886 --> 00:19:08,096 No! I love you! 458 00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,580 - Well, I love you, too. - More than I've ever loved anybody. 459 00:19:10,641 --> 00:19:13,310 But what if that's the only thing we have in common? 460 00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,200 I miss my friend. 461 00:19:29,284 --> 00:19:31,411 I really miss my friend, too. 462 00:19:35,165 --> 00:19:37,501 So, what does that mean? Are we… 463 00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:41,004 Yeah. 464 00:19:59,273 --> 00:20:00,357 Earn this. 465 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,901 Was that Saving Private Ryan? 466 00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:05,654 It was. It was a hu-huge moment in that movie. 467 00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:07,573 And I just, I know this is a moment. 468 00:20:09,825 --> 00:20:12,870 So, um, I'll walk you to your room then, I guess. 469 00:20:58,707 --> 00:21:00,935 - Schmidt is living in my room. - Schmidt's in your room, yeah. 470 00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:02,002 Yeah. 471 00:21:02,669 --> 00:21:03,962 Do you think I could… 472 00:21:04,046 --> 00:21:06,048 - Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's cool. 473 00:21:14,890 --> 00:21:15,974 Jess? 474 00:21:16,517 --> 00:21:20,687 Jess, you didn't have to run away. I don't know what you're so afraid of. 475 00:21:20,771 --> 00:21:23,857 It's just a man doing full downward facing dog in the nude. 476 00:21:23,941 --> 00:21:26,777 It's a couple of testicles just hanging upside down. 477 00:21:29,571 --> 00:21:31,573 I can hear you laughing in there. 478 00:21:32,115 --> 00:21:34,201 Yeah, you liked it. 479 00:21:34,618 --> 00:21:35,994 You telling Nick about it? 480 00:21:36,995 --> 00:21:37,996 What's he saying?