1 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,762 "you and jess broke up." 2 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,667 Oh, man. 3 00:00:20,737 --> 00:00:22,471 "the bed got burned." 4 00:00:26,076 --> 00:00:28,343 I thought it was a dream. 5 00:00:28,345 --> 00:00:30,079 "it was a not a dream." 6 00:00:30,081 --> 00:00:31,513 I'm a little scared to see 7 00:00:31,515 --> 00:00:32,948 What's on the other side. 8 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,819 "writing left-handed is harb." 9 00:00:47,398 --> 00:00:48,530 Oh! 10 00:00:48,532 --> 00:00:50,032 Goodness. Hi. Sorry. 11 00:00:50,034 --> 00:00:51,767 I was just changing in the closet, 12 00:00:51,769 --> 00:00:53,135 Like superman. 13 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,270 Are we still allowed to see each other naked? 14 00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:56,538 Yes. Do you think so? 15 00:00:56,540 --> 00:00:57,439 I don't know. 16 00:00:57,441 --> 00:00:58,807 Hmm. Maybe. 17 00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:00,075 Ah... Definitely not. 18 00:01:00,077 --> 00:01:01,143 "derfi-niddley nit." 19 00:01:03,247 --> 00:01:06,048 Boob season's over, for you. 20 00:01:06,050 --> 00:01:08,150 Mind if I grab my socks? Um, no. You can go ahead. 21 00:01:08,152 --> 00:01:09,518 I'll close my eyes. Okay. 22 00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,154 Hey! Whoa! 23 00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,389 So how you doing? 24 00:01:14,391 --> 00:01:15,557 I'm really good. Good. 25 00:01:15,559 --> 00:01:17,092 How 'bout you? Great. 26 00:01:17,094 --> 00:01:18,494 Yeah, I'm really enjoying the breakup. 27 00:01:18,496 --> 00:01:20,062 Yeah. I think I'm handling it well. 28 00:01:20,064 --> 00:01:21,430 Yeah, you are. You are. 29 00:01:21,432 --> 00:01:22,998 You're... You know, you're not drunk, 30 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,299 You haven't left me 300 voicemails... 31 00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:25,501 And you're not crying while 32 00:01:25,503 --> 00:01:26,635 Watching that movie ghost. 33 00:01:26,637 --> 00:01:28,303 Well, it's dirty dancing. 34 00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,405 Doesn't swayze do a dirty dance with that clay? 35 00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:32,174 That's not dirty dancing. 36 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:35,244 It's ghost. It's a different movie. 37 00:01:35,246 --> 00:01:36,845 Which one takes place at camp? 38 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,847 Dirty dancing. 39 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,582 Which one's whoopi in? 40 00:01:40,584 --> 00:01:42,251 Stop asking me questions about them. 41 00:01:42,253 --> 00:01:43,452 Drop it. 42 00:01:46,923 --> 00:01:49,458 So I saw this tv show about monkeys in india, 43 00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:51,627 And one of the monkeys, when it gets nervous 44 00:01:51,629 --> 00:01:53,762 And it wants to play submissive, it goes like this: 45 00:01:55,665 --> 00:01:57,366 And that lets all the other monkeys know 46 00:01:57,368 --> 00:01:58,934 It doesn't want trouble. 47 00:01:58,936 --> 00:02:01,370 That's cool. 48 00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:04,306 They also give each other oral pleasure. 49 00:02:04,308 --> 00:02:06,542 And they masturbate. 50 00:02:14,317 --> 00:02:16,151 So what do we do now, jess? 51 00:02:16,153 --> 00:02:17,352 Well, normally, I would go home, 52 00:02:17,354 --> 00:02:18,554 But I already am home, so... 53 00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:19,855 Can't do that. 54 00:02:19,857 --> 00:02:21,156 I know where you live. 55 00:02:21,158 --> 00:02:22,524 And I live where you live. 56 00:02:22,526 --> 00:02:24,459 Should we tell the people we live with? 57 00:02:24,461 --> 00:02:26,195 Yeah, let's do that. 58 00:02:33,537 --> 00:02:34,803 Big news! 59 00:02:34,805 --> 00:02:37,506 I just got into the police academy. 60 00:02:43,514 --> 00:02:45,080 He knows it. 61 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,682 Because you are a cop. No, my uncle was on cops 62 00:02:46,684 --> 00:02:48,183 A bunch of times. 63 00:02:48,185 --> 00:02:49,518 He got no residuals, though; he's poor. 64 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,353 That really is big news! 65 00:02:51,355 --> 00:02:52,554 Big news. 66 00:02:52,556 --> 00:02:55,023 What a happy, happy day! Huzzah! 67 00:02:55,025 --> 00:02:58,026 And to celebrate, I'm gonna have a banquet in my honor. 68 00:02:58,028 --> 00:03:00,195 A banquet for yourself? That seems tacky. 69 00:03:00,197 --> 00:03:01,897 Can anyone here think of any reason 70 00:03:01,899 --> 00:03:04,733 Why today should not be all about me? 71 00:03:15,878 --> 00:03:18,413 So I guess we're not telling anyone today. Nah, it doesn't seem 72 00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,948 Like the right move. Yeah. So we have to pretend 73 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,583 To be a couple for one more day. 74 00:03:21,585 --> 00:03:22,751 It's not that big of a deal. 75 00:03:22,753 --> 00:03:24,786 It's gonna be easy. Yeah. 76 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:26,588 So we broke up. What's the difference? 77 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:27,956 Um... 78 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,758 I-I couldn't be more okay with it. 79 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,561 Well, I couldn't be more okay, either. 80 00:03:32,563 --> 00:03:33,729 Great. Me, too. 81 00:03:33,731 --> 00:03:36,064 Capital "o," capital "k" 82 00:03:36,066 --> 00:03:38,300 Capital "a," capital "y." 83 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,601 I'm okay. 84 00:03:39,603 --> 00:03:41,637 I'm not okay, mom. 85 00:03:42,873 --> 00:03:44,373 I'm not okay. 86 00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:45,474 I'm not okay. 87 00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:47,376 I'm sorry to pull you 88 00:03:47,378 --> 00:03:48,977 Out of your dance class. 89 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:52,814 Oh, the recital was today? 90 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:55,584 I know we did the right thing, I just... I feel like... 91 00:03:55,586 --> 00:03:58,120 Really upset, and... 92 00:03:58,122 --> 00:03:59,955 Nick seems totally okay 93 00:03:59,957 --> 00:04:02,791 And I guess I just need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine. 94 00:04:02,793 --> 00:04:05,560 It's not gonna be fine, jess. 95 00:04:05,562 --> 00:04:07,763 I'm never gonna be a grandmother! 96 00:04:07,765 --> 00:04:09,398 What? Mom... 97 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,766 Stop crying. 98 00:04:10,768 --> 00:04:12,467 You don't even have to love him, honey. 99 00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,269 You just have to get that sperm cooking! 100 00:04:14,271 --> 00:04:17,272 Mom... I'm sorry, honey, I just... 101 00:04:17,274 --> 00:04:19,274 You know, this is where I'm at right now. 102 00:04:19,276 --> 00:04:20,475 Well, this was really comforting, mom. 103 00:04:21,979 --> 00:04:24,479 It's like I'm in the womb, sucking my thumb. 104 00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:26,848 Look, of course she doesn't know I'm in pain, tran. 105 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,850 I'm hiding it like you're supposed to. 106 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:31,586 But I'm lying to my best friend. 107 00:04:31,588 --> 00:04:35,023 You're also my best friend, don't... 108 00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:38,460 Don't start that weird jazz train. 109 00:04:38,462 --> 00:04:40,962 I don't know how I'm gonna hold it all together. 110 00:04:40,964 --> 00:04:43,265 I can't talk about it with anyone all day. 111 00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:44,800 I feel like a piñata, you know, 112 00:04:44,802 --> 00:04:46,501 And I'm just gonna pop. 113 00:04:47,837 --> 00:04:50,172 What does that mean: 114 00:04:50,174 --> 00:04:52,374 "the problem is the solution?" 115 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:56,211 Oh, you mean just focus myself on winston, 116 00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:59,214 And I won't have time to think about jess. 117 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,683 That's really smart, but that's not exactly 118 00:05:01,685 --> 00:05:03,218 "the problem is the solution." 119 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,519 Do you know what I mean? 120 00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,521 That's, like, a cool sentence, but... 121 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,924 It's more just "stay busy," right? 122 00:05:10,460 --> 00:05:11,993 Thanks, tran. 123 00:05:11,995 --> 00:05:14,463 If I'd met you in your prime, during the war, 124 00:05:14,465 --> 00:05:15,897 That would have been glorious! 125 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,132 But then we would've been enemies 126 00:05:17,134 --> 00:05:18,867 And tried to murder one another, 127 00:05:18,869 --> 00:05:20,802 Unless we formed an alliance. 128 00:05:20,804 --> 00:05:21,970 Oh... 129 00:05:21,972 --> 00:05:24,373 You and me forming an alliance 130 00:05:24,375 --> 00:05:25,640 In an old-school war? 131 00:05:25,642 --> 00:05:27,376 That's a fantasy. 132 00:05:27,378 --> 00:05:28,877 Or a novel. 133 00:05:28,879 --> 00:05:30,479 You just gave me another idea. 134 00:05:31,547 --> 00:05:32,714 Winston? 135 00:05:32,716 --> 00:05:34,516 I've been thinking about it, 136 00:05:34,518 --> 00:05:36,585 And a banquet is not big enough. 137 00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:38,086 You're not retiring from some 138 00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,055 Insurance company. 139 00:05:40,057 --> 00:05:41,523 So what do you really want, 140 00:05:41,525 --> 00:05:42,891 Besides a piñata? 141 00:05:42,893 --> 00:05:45,060 Dream big. Dream big, he said. 142 00:05:45,062 --> 00:05:46,495 Okay. Um... 143 00:05:46,497 --> 00:05:47,729 If I had my druthers— 144 00:05:47,731 --> 00:05:49,197 You know, 100% of my druthers— 145 00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:50,198 I... 146 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,900 I gotta go honey roast. 147 00:05:51,902 --> 00:05:53,502 The hell is that? And don't say it 148 00:05:53,504 --> 00:05:54,703 Like it's some thing we know! 149 00:05:54,705 --> 00:05:56,004 It's a roast, 150 00:05:56,006 --> 00:05:57,606 Except you say nice things about me. 151 00:05:57,608 --> 00:05:59,908 Honey roast. 152 00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:01,877 Huh. You know? 153 00:06:01,879 --> 00:06:03,445 Well, I can't wait to make that happen for you. 154 00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,380 You serious? He thinks you're serious. 155 00:06:05,382 --> 00:06:06,948 How do I do it? You just get everybody 156 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,550 To say a bunch of cute stuff about me. 157 00:06:08,552 --> 00:06:10,185 You know, all the, like, 158 00:06:10,187 --> 00:06:12,287 Funny stuff that makes me sweet, you know? 159 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:13,455 Done! What else? 160 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:15,724 What? There's... There's more? 161 00:06:15,726 --> 00:06:17,359 uh... 162 00:06:17,361 --> 00:06:19,561 Make me a prominent chair. 163 00:06:19,563 --> 00:06:20,429 Like a throne? Come on. 164 00:06:20,431 --> 00:06:21,463 A throne? 165 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:22,431 Who am I, ceelo? 166 00:06:22,433 --> 00:06:23,732 no, I just... 167 00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:25,200 This is me, I'm still the same person. 168 00:06:25,202 --> 00:06:26,935 Stop touching me. I'm not gonna change. 169 00:06:26,937 --> 00:06:28,537 I'm still the same person. Stop touching me. 170 00:06:28,539 --> 00:06:29,971 So make me a prominent chair. 171 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,440 Then you shall have that, winston. 172 00:06:31,442 --> 00:06:32,441 What else you want? 173 00:06:32,443 --> 00:06:33,708 I'm thinking maybe 174 00:06:33,710 --> 00:06:35,110 You should mc my roast. 175 00:06:35,112 --> 00:06:36,545 Okay, I will. 176 00:06:36,547 --> 00:06:38,346 And can you do it dressed as furguson? 177 00:06:39,916 --> 00:06:41,049 I'm not gonna do that. 178 00:06:41,051 --> 00:06:42,217 Thought it might be special. 179 00:06:42,219 --> 00:06:43,819 Nah, it's strange. 180 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,986 All right, I'm gonna get started on that chair. 181 00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:46,121 Well, this just in: 182 00:06:46,123 --> 00:06:47,556 The dress code for 183 00:06:47,558 --> 00:06:48,824 Winston's banquet tonight is... 184 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,725 Is opt... Is optional. 185 00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,093 Why would he write "optional" there? 186 00:06:52,095 --> 00:06:53,462 That's gotta be a mistake, right? 187 00:06:53,464 --> 00:06:54,830 And they're gonna give him a gun? 188 00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:56,364 What are you doing back there? 189 00:06:57,967 --> 00:07:00,769 Thought it was about time I graduated high school. 190 00:07:00,771 --> 00:07:02,471 Mmm... I'm proud of you. 191 00:07:02,473 --> 00:07:03,672 That's it? 192 00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:05,507 No snide comments? 193 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,608 I've got legions. 194 00:07:06,610 --> 00:07:07,909 But I'm gonna be supportive. 195 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,480 "legions" means "a lot." 196 00:07:11,482 --> 00:07:13,081 I know what "legions" means. 197 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:14,583 Anyway, I probably won't even take the test. Okay. 198 00:07:14,585 --> 00:07:16,518 I failed the last five practice exams. 199 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,119 So that seems like a bad sign. 200 00:07:18,121 --> 00:07:19,588 Of course you're failing. 201 00:07:19,590 --> 00:07:21,590 You're studying here in a rowdy tavern. 202 00:07:21,592 --> 00:07:23,959 Chumbawamba's playing, it's not even "tubthumping." 203 00:07:23,961 --> 00:07:25,460 You're writing with what looks to be 204 00:07:25,462 --> 00:07:27,662 A golf pencil. Where are your flash cards? 205 00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,464 Do you not have o-one single flash card? 206 00:07:29,466 --> 00:07:30,832 There's maraschino goo everywhere! 207 00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:32,033 You don't have a flash card? 208 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,535 I'm taking over. You need a tutor. 209 00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:34,769 Yes, I'll do it. 210 00:07:34,771 --> 00:07:36,037 You realize I have a boyfriend, right? 211 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,138 Oh, the hunky australian boy? 212 00:07:37,140 --> 00:07:38,340 Congratulations. 213 00:07:38,342 --> 00:07:39,875 Cece, this is about your education. 214 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,610 Nothing more. Mm. 215 00:07:41,612 --> 00:07:44,212 He's actually from perth, so... 216 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,314 Perth is in australia, cece. 217 00:07:46,316 --> 00:07:48,550 We'll start with geography. 218 00:07:54,023 --> 00:07:55,390 Oh, cece, I really need... 219 00:07:57,026 --> 00:07:58,860 To ask schmidt 220 00:07:58,862 --> 00:08:01,062 If my outfit's working. 221 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,298 It is not. 222 00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:06,201 I was in the middle of tutoring cece! 223 00:08:06,203 --> 00:08:08,503 Make it quick! I know why you're upset, okay? 224 00:08:08,505 --> 00:08:10,138 I should've asked you to tutor me. 225 00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:11,640 But he just volunteered, 226 00:08:11,642 --> 00:08:13,708 And I figured you'd be busy with nick. 227 00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:16,077 Well, I'm not busy with nick anymore. 228 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,213 Oh, no. 229 00:08:18,215 --> 00:08:20,415 Did you guys break up? 230 00:08:23,052 --> 00:08:24,619 Jess, are you pregnant? 231 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,058 I feel like I made it weird with the pregnancy thing, you guys. 232 00:08:30,060 --> 00:08:31,493 Did I make it weird with the pregnancy thing? 233 00:08:31,495 --> 00:08:33,028 'cause I really feel like I did. 234 00:08:33,030 --> 00:08:34,696 I feel like, in my heart, that that was a... 235 00:08:34,698 --> 00:08:36,665 That was the wrong to say, especially to two women 236 00:08:36,667 --> 00:08:39,034 Who are sitting alone in a room together. 237 00:08:39,036 --> 00:08:41,169 You know, I don't know where you guys are at with your lives 238 00:08:41,171 --> 00:08:43,071 But you're certainly getting up to an age 239 00:08:43,073 --> 00:08:45,006 Where babies are on your mind, and-and I didn't want 240 00:08:45,008 --> 00:08:46,708 To throw that into the mix. I could see 241 00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:48,276 That you were emotional, jess, when you left, 242 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,911 And I, and I don't want to make you more emotional 243 00:08:49,913 --> 00:08:51,580 By bringing up pregnancy. 244 00:08:51,582 --> 00:08:54,449 And, cece, you can probably barely spell "pregnancy." 245 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,118 And I feel terrible. 246 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,287 Are you frickin' razzing me in there? 247 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,789 Did I just here a razz? 248 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:01,990 Damn it! 249 00:09:03,893 --> 00:09:06,361 So you're really building winston's throne, huh? 250 00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:08,029 It's a prominent chair. 251 00:09:08,031 --> 00:09:11,700 And it's not right! It's not regal enough! 252 00:09:11,702 --> 00:09:13,301 How long have you been doing this? 253 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,036 It's for the honey roast. 254 00:09:15,038 --> 00:09:16,304 I'm trying to think of cute things to say about winston. 255 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,572 I got great stuff about his feet. 256 00:09:17,574 --> 00:09:19,040 What are you saying, dude? You sound insane. 257 00:09:19,042 --> 00:09:22,077 If anything's cute about winston, it's his yawn. 258 00:09:26,616 --> 00:09:28,883 He goes, like... 259 00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:30,785 Can I use that? You're scaring me, man. 260 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,722 Like, for real. Like, I'm scared for you. 261 00:09:33,724 --> 00:09:36,257 Don't do that voice 'cause it makes me confess things. 262 00:09:36,259 --> 00:09:37,759 I'm really scared for you. 263 00:09:37,761 --> 00:09:40,295 I broke up with jess. You broke... 264 00:09:40,297 --> 00:09:42,731 You broke up with jess? I broke up with jess. 265 00:09:42,733 --> 00:09:44,633 Aw, man. It's real. 266 00:09:44,635 --> 00:09:46,067 Or she broke up with me, I don't know, but we're broken up. 267 00:09:46,069 --> 00:09:47,836 Well, at least that explains all of that. 268 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:49,070 Kind of. 269 00:09:49,072 --> 00:09:51,106 I just feel like I'm falling apart. 270 00:09:51,108 --> 00:09:53,108 Like, my brain feels like spaghetti. 271 00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:54,442 And my future feels 272 00:09:54,444 --> 00:09:55,677 Like a dark hole 273 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,312 That I can't stop falling down. 274 00:09:57,314 --> 00:09:59,481 You can't show her this pain. 275 00:09:59,483 --> 00:10:01,149 Or she'll freak out and it'll be over, okay? 276 00:10:01,151 --> 00:10:02,517 I wish someone would've told me that 277 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,085 When malia and I broke up. 278 00:10:04,087 --> 00:10:05,620 Malia, I'm in pain 279 00:10:05,622 --> 00:10:08,356 And I want you to know! 280 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:12,127 I want to get this pain out of my body! 281 00:10:13,330 --> 00:10:14,963 I haven't seen her since. 282 00:10:14,965 --> 00:10:17,032 I still read her e-mails, though. 283 00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:18,700 Every day. Every day. 284 00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,802 Every damn day. Every day. 285 00:10:20,804 --> 00:10:23,304 You have to hide your feelings no matter what. 286 00:10:23,306 --> 00:10:24,806 And I am. She thinks I'm okay. 287 00:10:24,808 --> 00:10:26,174 That's my game plan. 288 00:10:26,176 --> 00:10:27,942 I'm talking about pills, man. Schmidt's got 289 00:10:27,944 --> 00:10:30,145 Some anxiety pills in his top drawer, you know? 290 00:10:30,147 --> 00:10:31,980 That's a great idea. Do it. 291 00:10:31,982 --> 00:10:34,716 Don't tell any of the roommates about the breakup. 292 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:38,053 Thought I made it clear that I do not want to talk about this. Sure. 293 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:41,089 He just seemed so fine with it. 294 00:10:41,957 --> 00:10:43,358 Like he's happier 295 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,360 Than me watching coach 296 00:10:45,362 --> 00:10:47,128 Watching winston yawn. 297 00:10:56,472 --> 00:10:59,340 I'm sure he's just as sad as you are. 298 00:10:59,342 --> 00:11:00,408 It's an act. 299 00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:01,976 You need to go and talk to him 300 00:11:01,978 --> 00:11:04,579 So he can tell you how he really feels. 301 00:11:06,015 --> 00:11:07,015 I'll go with you, okay? 302 00:11:07,017 --> 00:11:09,417 Thanks. Of course. 303 00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,686 Are you guys frenching? 304 00:11:11,688 --> 00:11:13,388 Okay, say you're frenching and I'll stop knocking. 305 00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:15,156 Ignore him, okay? Just ignore him. 306 00:11:18,227 --> 00:11:19,861 Remember, cece, no one knows we broke up. 307 00:11:19,863 --> 00:11:21,663 Not a word. Nope. 308 00:11:21,665 --> 00:11:24,499 Hey! Come here, you. 309 00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:26,568 Why are we doing this? 310 00:11:26,570 --> 00:11:28,336 Uh... 311 00:11:28,338 --> 00:11:30,572 This is, uh, how I, how I greet everyone now. 312 00:11:30,574 --> 00:11:33,675 And then I, uh, do this. 313 00:11:33,677 --> 00:11:34,843 Then do that. Oh. 314 00:11:34,845 --> 00:11:35,844 And top it off 315 00:11:35,846 --> 00:11:37,045 With a little bit of that. 316 00:11:37,047 --> 00:11:38,246 You feel me? 317 00:11:38,248 --> 00:11:39,247 This is how you greet everybody now? 318 00:11:39,249 --> 00:11:41,116 Ah, come here, you. 319 00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:43,184 Oh, that wasn't an invitation. 320 00:11:45,888 --> 00:11:46,955 Nick, hi! 321 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:47,922 Son of a bitch! Come here, you. 322 00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:49,457 What are you doing, man? 323 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:52,093 You take the pills? Uh, I feel as if I'm of cotton. 324 00:11:52,095 --> 00:11:53,528 Sorry for what's about to happen. 325 00:11:58,368 --> 00:12:00,902 Do you have a minute to maybe have a conversation 326 00:12:00,904 --> 00:12:02,470 With your sweet, sweet girlfriend? 327 00:12:05,941 --> 00:12:07,742 I think the only way we're gonna get through this 328 00:12:07,744 --> 00:12:09,377 Is if we're really honest with each other 329 00:12:09,379 --> 00:12:10,779 About how we're really feeling. 330 00:12:10,781 --> 00:12:11,946 This morning I told you 331 00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,215 I was okay, and... 332 00:12:16,252 --> 00:12:17,418 Why are you winking at me? 333 00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:18,887 Am I winking? Yeah. 334 00:12:18,889 --> 00:12:20,555 I think I'm just a little nervous. 335 00:12:20,557 --> 00:12:23,324 I'm gonna put my sunglasses on so we can keep talking. 336 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,160 Okay, okay. 'cause I don't think I can stop this. 337 00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,427 Please continue with what you were saying. 338 00:12:26,429 --> 00:12:28,396 Um, I just, um, 339 00:12:28,398 --> 00:12:30,265 Want you to tell me how you really feel. 340 00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:33,168 Great. Gre... I'm sorry, "great"? 341 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:35,136 I feel great. Is great the, the, uh, 342 00:12:35,138 --> 00:12:36,504 Is the emotion you feel right now? 343 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,206 No. Oh. 344 00:12:39,975 --> 00:12:41,843 I feel amazing. 345 00:12:42,913 --> 00:12:44,579 "amazing"? Yeah. 346 00:12:44,581 --> 00:12:46,848 You feel amazing right now? 347 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,449 I just feel happier and amazing 348 00:12:48,451 --> 00:12:50,018 And lighter. 349 00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,920 Tonight's about winston. 350 00:12:51,922 --> 00:12:53,755 You don't have to worry about me 'cause I'm worried 351 00:12:53,757 --> 00:12:54,989 About the honey roast. 352 00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,424 I'm sorry I forgot 353 00:12:56,426 --> 00:12:58,493 That winston is the most important thing 354 00:12:58,495 --> 00:13:00,361 That's going on today. 355 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,496 That's where I'm putting all my energies. 356 00:13:01,498 --> 00:13:03,264 Fan... 357 00:13:03,266 --> 00:13:05,633 Tastic. 358 00:13:05,635 --> 00:13:07,669 Took a long time to say that word. 359 00:13:07,671 --> 00:13:09,604 There you are! 360 00:13:09,606 --> 00:13:12,273 We're supposed to be studying. Come here, you. 361 00:13:12,275 --> 00:13:14,375 Ah, thanks, coach. I needed this. 362 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,946 Mm. Delightful. 363 00:13:17,948 --> 00:13:19,380 To you, too, my friend. 364 00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,448 That is super weird. 365 00:13:20,450 --> 00:13:21,950 What is wrong with you? 366 00:13:21,952 --> 00:13:23,785 What are you scared of a couple practice tests? 367 00:13:23,787 --> 00:13:25,320 Just something more important came up, that's all. 368 00:13:25,322 --> 00:13:26,688 There should be nothing 369 00:13:26,690 --> 00:13:29,057 More important to you, cece, than your future. 370 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,525 Because nothing is more important 371 00:13:30,527 --> 00:13:31,893 To me than your future. 372 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:33,494 Do you know how stupid it makes me feel 373 00:13:33,496 --> 00:13:35,463 To care more about your future than you do? 374 00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:37,999 nick and jess broke up. 375 00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:39,801 I knew you knew! 376 00:13:39,803 --> 00:13:40,869 Oh! I knew it! 377 00:13:40,871 --> 00:13:42,170 So, you knew, too. 378 00:13:42,172 --> 00:13:44,405 But you knew and you told. 379 00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,307 Look, that was so sweet of you, schmidt. 380 00:13:46,309 --> 00:13:48,343 Okay? And thank you for believing in me... 381 00:13:48,345 --> 00:13:50,812 Who gives a rat's a? 382 00:13:50,814 --> 00:13:52,580 Hmm? Nick and jess break up, and you spring this on me 383 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,883 Like a, like it's a freaking weather report? 384 00:13:54,885 --> 00:13:58,152 I am a child of divorce! I'm delicate! 385 00:13:58,154 --> 00:14:00,755 Should've graduated the first time around, you buffoon! 386 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,223 Better keep it together, dude. No one can know you know. 387 00:14:02,225 --> 00:14:04,926 Guess what, cece? 388 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,427 My boyfriend nick 389 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,363 Is totally frickin' fine. 390 00:14:08,365 --> 00:14:10,398 He's actually, he's "amazing." 391 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,066 Oh, god, wine. 392 00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:14,535 Yeah, make it a big one and a holiday pour. 393 00:14:14,537 --> 00:14:16,204 'cause today's all about winston. 394 00:14:16,206 --> 00:14:17,672 Yeah, it's all about winston. 395 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:20,808 Somebody say winston? 396 00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:23,344 Whoa! What? 397 00:14:23,346 --> 00:14:27,415 Guys, I gotta say, I am walking on air, I really am. 398 00:14:27,417 --> 00:14:28,449 It's, uh... 399 00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:29,417 Excuse me for a second. 400 00:14:29,419 --> 00:14:31,019 Hey, winston! 401 00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:34,122 Hey, it's your day! I'm diving in! What can I do? 402 00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:37,125 'cause today is all about winston. 403 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,426 Yeah, all about winston. 404 00:14:38,428 --> 00:14:40,395 Whatever you want, buddy. Yeah, mm-hmm. 405 00:14:40,397 --> 00:14:41,796 Anything? 406 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,398 My name is nick miller 407 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,734 And I'm your host of tonight's honey roast. 408 00:14:46,736 --> 00:14:48,770 Thank you! Thank you! 409 00:14:48,772 --> 00:14:51,973 And I'm furguson the cat. 410 00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,641 Ya-ya! 411 00:14:56,745 --> 00:14:59,213 Okay, uh, tonight's honey roast, we're gonna keep it sweet, 412 00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:02,216 Keep it positive, and most of all, we're gonna keep it cute. 413 00:15:02,218 --> 00:15:03,818 Am I right, furguson? 414 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:07,288 I hope that cat's not driving. 415 00:15:07,290 --> 00:15:09,590 Who has a cat costume just lying around? 416 00:15:09,592 --> 00:15:11,092 She has four of them. 417 00:15:11,094 --> 00:15:14,562 I'm drinking a "catbernet." 418 00:15:14,564 --> 00:15:15,663 That's pretty good. Okay. 419 00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:16,898 That's pretty good. 420 00:15:17,599 --> 00:15:18,900 A pinot "meowoir..." 421 00:15:18,902 --> 00:15:20,568 Meow-oi-rr. 422 00:15:20,570 --> 00:15:23,471 If I have one more of these, you're gonna have to point 423 00:15:23,473 --> 00:15:26,007 This old kitty in the direction of my litter box 424 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:29,143 Because I'm gonna need to find it. 425 00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:31,145 Mm, let's keep it cute, guys. 426 00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:33,147 'cause I'm gonna have to pee. 427 00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:36,150 Speaking of cute, winston bishop is so cute... 428 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:38,319 How cute is he? 429 00:15:38,321 --> 00:15:39,620 How cute am I? 430 00:15:39,622 --> 00:15:40,888 Teddy bears buy winston for their kids. 431 00:15:42,925 --> 00:15:45,360 That was good. That is exactly how cute I am. 432 00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,261 Horrible visual. Want to know how cute you are? 433 00:15:47,263 --> 00:15:48,496 Yeah, I want to know how cute I am. 434 00:15:48,498 --> 00:15:49,597 You want to know how cute you are? 435 00:15:49,599 --> 00:15:50,331 I want to know how cute I am. 436 00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:51,265 Puppys put him... 437 00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:52,533 Not gonna do that one. 438 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:54,135 Are we still pretending that we don't... 439 00:15:54,137 --> 00:15:56,437 Relax. Keep it together mm-hmm, it'll be over soon. 440 00:15:56,439 --> 00:15:58,606 Pretend like you're enjoying this. Smile. Mm-hmm. 441 00:15:58,608 --> 00:16:01,876 Winston is so cute, he once met a japanese gal named ariko, 442 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,479 And she started wearing him as a backpack! 443 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,149 Boom! 444 00:16:08,151 --> 00:16:11,786 Ooh! I did not see that one coming! Oh, my! 445 00:16:11,788 --> 00:16:13,488 I didn't expect it either. Surprise ending! 446 00:16:13,490 --> 00:16:16,791 I think it's time, I think it's time 447 00:16:16,793 --> 00:16:18,760 That this cat takes over. 448 00:16:19,495 --> 00:16:20,628 Why hold back? 449 00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:22,330 I feel like we should make this 450 00:16:22,332 --> 00:16:23,831 A real roast. Yeah. 451 00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:25,633 Don't do that. Mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. 452 00:16:25,635 --> 00:16:27,468 I'm kind of scared, but I'm also kind of excited. 453 00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:29,637 I think, actually, it's my turn to... It's my turn! 454 00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:31,372 Uh... Mm-mm. Okay, back here. 455 00:16:31,374 --> 00:16:32,373 This is the best idea. 456 00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:33,674 I think I should sit down. 457 00:16:33,676 --> 00:16:35,143 Getting a little mean. 458 00:16:35,145 --> 00:16:36,144 Time to add some honey. 459 00:16:36,146 --> 00:16:37,478 Who's in the house? 460 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,713 Coach is in the house. 461 00:16:38,715 --> 00:16:40,214 Coach is in the house. What-what? 462 00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:41,983 What's up, coach? 463 00:16:41,985 --> 00:16:45,053 You have so many sweatpants, you need to buy normal pants. 464 00:16:47,023 --> 00:16:48,723 Cece here. 465 00:16:48,725 --> 00:16:50,324 You guys know cece. 466 00:16:50,326 --> 00:16:53,528 Your hair's so long. Well, you're basically busted. 467 00:16:53,530 --> 00:16:55,430 That was good. That was really a good one. That was a good one. 468 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,865 Schmidt... Jess, please, don't. I'm very fragile right now. 469 00:16:57,867 --> 00:17:00,234 Your head's so big. 470 00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:01,402 That actually wasn't that bad. 471 00:17:01,404 --> 00:17:03,104 You got a big-ass head, dude! 472 00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:04,105 And nick miller... 473 00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:05,773 Oh, boy. 474 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:08,843 What can I say about nick that hasn't already been said? 475 00:17:08,845 --> 00:17:09,877 Oh, here we go. 476 00:17:09,879 --> 00:17:13,081 Nick calls birds "wind mice." 477 00:17:13,083 --> 00:17:14,715 Think about it. 478 00:17:14,717 --> 00:17:17,285 Nick says "yahtzee" when he climaxes. Oh, boy. 479 00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:19,754 He calls turtles "shell beavers." 480 00:17:19,756 --> 00:17:22,023 Well, that's what they should be called. 481 00:17:22,025 --> 00:17:24,225 They're green. Beavers are brown. 482 00:17:24,227 --> 00:17:25,927 We've had this argument and we have agreed 483 00:17:25,929 --> 00:17:27,929 To not talk about it in front of others. 484 00:17:27,931 --> 00:17:29,363 But do you know the worst, 485 00:17:29,365 --> 00:17:31,599 Worst, worst thing about nick? 486 00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:34,602 You don't have to say it. You just... Mm-mm, mm-mm. 487 00:17:34,604 --> 00:17:38,473 He's okay. 488 00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:40,208 He's okay. 489 00:17:40,210 --> 00:17:41,809 And I am... 490 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:45,646 Not okay. 491 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,382 I'm not okay. 492 00:17:48,384 --> 00:17:50,551 What are you talking about? 493 00:17:51,286 --> 00:17:53,154 Are you nuts? 494 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:54,155 I'm falling apart. 495 00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:55,623 Yeah, I... 496 00:17:55,625 --> 00:17:58,092 I'm on schmidt's anti-anxiety medicine. 497 00:17:58,094 --> 00:17:59,427 What? 498 00:17:59,429 --> 00:18:01,229 Yeah, I stole it from his drawer. 499 00:18:01,231 --> 00:18:02,330 Schmidty's little helpers. 500 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,965 Ooh. I'm sorry about that. 501 00:18:03,967 --> 00:18:06,300 I'm very much not okay! I was only acting okay 502 00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:07,568 'cause I thought you were okay. 503 00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:08,970 I'm not okay. I am not okay. 504 00:18:08,972 --> 00:18:10,505 I'm terrible! 505 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:13,774 I know I'm smiling right now, but I feel terrible. 506 00:18:13,776 --> 00:18:15,343 I'm so happy... Yeah. 507 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,744 That you feel terrible. 508 00:18:16,746 --> 00:18:18,613 It's a devastating breakup. It's really hard 509 00:18:21,618 --> 00:18:23,184 You know, it sucks. I really thought we had a future. 510 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:25,853 Me, too. Yeah, saw the whole thing, the whole thing. 511 00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:27,288 And now we don't. It's done, yeah. 512 00:18:27,290 --> 00:18:28,956 We have nothing in common. yeah. 513 00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:30,658 I also can't stop smiling because of the drugs, 514 00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:31,959 So my face feels crazy— 515 00:18:31,961 --> 00:18:33,294 It feels like I had plastic surgery. 516 00:18:33,296 --> 00:18:34,695 Can somebody please 517 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:36,464 Tell me what the hell is going on in here? 518 00:18:36,466 --> 00:18:37,965 You want to do this? I think we should. 519 00:18:37,967 --> 00:18:39,367 We broke up! 520 00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:40,968 We're done. It's over. It's all done. 521 00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:42,970 Are you serious? What? What? No! 522 00:18:42,972 --> 00:18:44,472 Come on, guys, it's so obvious. 523 00:18:44,474 --> 00:18:46,674 Son of a bee sting. I mean... 524 00:18:46,676 --> 00:18:47,942 What, you broke up today? 525 00:18:47,944 --> 00:18:50,178 Yesterday. Yesterday. 526 00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:51,546 Well, why didn't you tell me? 527 00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:53,648 Because we didn't want to ruin your day. 528 00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:56,484 And I'm so sorry we did. We're so proud of you 529 00:18:56,486 --> 00:18:58,186 That you got into the police academy, 530 00:18:58,188 --> 00:19:00,454 But we're just, we're in a really bad zone. 531 00:19:00,456 --> 00:19:03,491 Yeah, a too bad zone. So let's just come out and admit it. 532 00:19:03,493 --> 00:19:04,859 We're in a terrible zone. 533 00:19:04,861 --> 00:19:06,394 Are you kidding me? 534 00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,662 Something this big happens 535 00:19:07,664 --> 00:19:10,398 And you guys still look out for me? 536 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,632 I mean, that's... Thank you. 537 00:19:11,634 --> 00:19:13,868 I really appreciate it, you guys, 538 00:19:13,870 --> 00:19:15,503 But I'm here for whatever you need. 539 00:19:15,505 --> 00:19:17,305 Thank you, buddy. 540 00:19:24,213 --> 00:19:26,581 Look, I know this is super weird and... 541 00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,983 I'm definitely high on anxiety pills but... 542 00:19:28,985 --> 00:19:31,519 I'd like everybody to hold hands in this moment. 543 00:19:31,521 --> 00:19:33,387 No. Just do it, man. That's it. 544 00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:34,522 Everybody? Oh. 545 00:19:34,524 --> 00:19:36,891 It's two ladies. I'm okay. 546 00:19:36,893 --> 00:19:38,392 This feels good. 547 00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,695 Om... 548 00:19:46,669 --> 00:19:49,036 Let's never tell anyone we did this. 549 00:19:49,038 --> 00:19:51,239 Should we all try to live inside a peach, 550 00:19:51,241 --> 00:19:53,407 Or is that weird? 551 00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:57,078 Guys, in light of what's been going on, 552 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,846 I will be postponing the honey roast 553 00:19:58,848 --> 00:20:00,615 Until tomorrow night. Okay. 554 00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,049 Ah! No. 555 00:20:02,051 --> 00:20:03,284 No way. Not doing this. 556 00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:05,253 We could say everybody come back, 557 00:20:05,255 --> 00:20:06,454 Sorry, winston. Everybody come back the same time, so... 558 00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:09,657 Then you guys all get to wear white. 559 00:20:22,272 --> 00:20:23,304 Hi, again. 560 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,875 I'm watching dirty dancing. 561 00:20:27,877 --> 00:20:29,543 I know. I've heard all three screenings. 562 00:20:29,545 --> 00:20:31,779 I just don't understand how penny got in trouble. 563 00:20:31,781 --> 00:20:33,547 Well, you know, it was a different time. 564 00:20:33,549 --> 00:20:34,749 Who wins in a fight— 565 00:20:34,751 --> 00:20:37,551 Swayze from dirty dancing 566 00:20:37,553 --> 00:20:39,086 Or swayze from roadhouse? 567 00:20:39,088 --> 00:20:42,123 I think, uh, to wong foo swayze would win. 568 00:20:42,125 --> 00:20:43,591 Jess, this is really hard. 569 00:20:43,593 --> 00:20:45,126 I don't know what to do. 570 00:20:45,128 --> 00:20:46,961 I don't know what to call you. 571 00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:48,729 It's like a riddle. 572 00:20:48,731 --> 00:20:50,164 I know! 573 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,933 I don't know where to change or where to sleep 574 00:20:52,935 --> 00:20:54,402 Or where to go to the bathroom. 575 00:20:54,404 --> 00:20:56,771 Well, I know where to go to the bathroom. 576 00:20:56,773 --> 00:20:59,106 But you know, it's the social component. 577 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,744 Oh, no. 578 00:21:03,746 --> 00:21:04,812 I'm out of tissues. 579 00:21:04,814 --> 00:21:06,147 I got it. 580 00:21:07,249 --> 00:21:08,282 Heads up! 581 00:21:08,284 --> 00:21:10,518 Oh! Hey. 582 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,119 Thank you. 583 00:21:12,121 --> 00:21:15,156 No problem. That's what I'm here for. 584 00:21:15,158 --> 00:21:17,458 Good night, honey. 585 00:21:17,460 --> 00:21:19,026 Good night.