1
00:00:02,420 --> 00:00:04,422
Thanks for helping me
with my school dance.

2
00:00:07,759 --> 00:00:10,303
"Love is forever and ever…"

3
00:00:10,386 --> 00:00:12,222
"And ever…"

4
00:00:12,305 --> 00:00:13,640
How many "and evers"?

5
00:00:13,723 --> 00:00:17,227
Technically, infinity,
but I could only fit 12.

6
00:00:19,395 --> 00:00:21,272
Wow, this is gonna be tough for you, huh?

7
00:00:21,356 --> 00:00:23,233
Yes. Foster said we couldn't afford it,

8
00:00:23,316 --> 00:00:25,485
but I really stuck
my neck out for this dance.

9
00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:28,112
No, I… I mean
because the theme of the dance is,

10
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,864
"Love is Forever," and…

11
00:00:29,948 --> 00:00:32,033
Nick, and the breakup…

12
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,618
What? No. Cece, look.

13
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,703
You remember
what school dances were like for me.

14
00:00:35,787 --> 00:00:37,806
They were miserable.
I was just waiting in the bathroom

15
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:40,416
for Tim Keymaker to magically
appear and ask me out.

16
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:43,419
I remember.
I was smoking in the stall next to you.

17
00:00:43,503 --> 00:00:45,004
We get it, you were bad.

18
00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,840
I just don't want it to be
like it was for me.

19
00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,509
I want them to have an incredible time.

20
00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:53,805
My life is a bit of a mess right now,
but the one thing I can do

21
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,932
is throw an amazing dance for them.

22
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:59,185
"Love is forever and ever and ever."

23
00:00:59,269 --> 00:01:00,353
What is, what is this?

24
00:01:00,436 --> 00:01:02,647
The theme of Jess' school dance.

25
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,542
- That's pretty ironic, huh?
- Jess, you poor thing.

26
00:01:04,566 --> 00:01:05,918
- Come-come here. Come here.
- What?

27
00:01:05,942 --> 00:01:07,944
- What?
- Just there.

28
00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:09,171
- What are you doing?
- All right.

29
00:01:09,195 --> 00:01:10,989
Uh-huh. Okay.

30
00:01:11,531 --> 00:01:13,283
Oh, I know. I know.

31
00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,368
- I know.
- What's happening?

32
00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:17,829
I got hug number two locked and loaded.

33
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,414
Soft or hard, it's up to you.

34
00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:20,873
- I know.
- Schmidt…

35
00:01:21,541 --> 00:01:22,875
Who's that girl?

36
00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:23,960
Who's that girl?

37
00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:25,378
It's Jess!

38
00:01:30,884 --> 00:01:32,969
Ay-ay-ay, I needed a shvitz.

39
00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:34,262
Ech, me, too.

40
00:01:34,345 --> 00:01:37,098
My arms are so sore.
I've been doing so many push-ups.

41
00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,308
That seems like a lie.

42
00:01:38,391 --> 00:01:40,151
No, I'm trying to stay fit
after the breakup.

43
00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,687
I've been eating salads.
You know, no dressing.

44
00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:44,355
Mostly just the protein.

45
00:01:44,439 --> 00:01:45,879
What kind of salads you been eating?

46
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,400
The little chopped-up pieces of ham.

47
00:01:47,984 --> 00:01:48,985
Just the ham?

48
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:50,069
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

49
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:52,047
I don't like the lettuce.
I think it's gross to eat stuff

50
00:01:52,071 --> 00:01:53,924
- that already… It's green.
- Well, look, you know, baby steps.

51
00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,135
It's not baby steps.
There are some pretty big pieces of ham.

52
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,785
- Okay.
- It's… You know, it's good.

53
00:01:57,869 --> 00:02:00,455
I-I genuinely miss
goofing around with Jess.

54
00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:02,749
Breakups aren't supposed to be easy, so…

55
00:02:02,832 --> 00:02:04,709
Wow, that's really mature of you, man.

56
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,020
We're doing something where we're…

57
00:02:06,044 --> 00:02:08,504
We're not allowed to be
in a room alone together

58
00:02:08,588 --> 00:02:09,756
- without Winston.
- Mm.

59
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:12,359
'Cause he just naturally takes
the sexual tension out of a room.

60
00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,305
What'd you guys want?

61
00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:20,642
You see? I'm proud of you.
That's what I'm talking about. We're men.

62
00:02:20,725 --> 00:02:22,769
We've felt pain, we've survived it.
Look at me.

63
00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:25,104
I'm watching Cece
drool over some 20-year-old.

64
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:28,441
How could she be interested in a boy
when she could have these ripe berries?

65
00:02:28,524 --> 00:02:31,069
- Look at these, Nick.
- Put your towel down.

66
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:33,404
Oh, God, I need a shvitz.

67
00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:35,865
Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?

68
00:02:35,949 --> 00:02:37,909
He does take all the sexual
tension out of a room.

69
00:02:37,951 --> 00:02:39,869
Man, I heat up every room I walk into.

70
00:02:39,953 --> 00:02:42,872
Put me next to a dozen eggs.
They hatchin'. You know why?

71
00:02:42,956 --> 00:02:44,499
'Cause I got the heat of a mother hen.

72
00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:46,477
There was no sexual tension
in here before he got here.

73
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:48,169
Keep telling yourself that, Nick.

74
00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:50,380
Congrats, chaperones!

75
00:02:50,463 --> 00:02:53,174
With your help,
tonight is going to be unforgettable.

76
00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:54,509
I didn't sign up for this.

77
00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:56,553
No, you didn't. None of you did.

78
00:02:56,636 --> 00:03:00,348
In fact, none of you have ever, ever
signed up for any school event, ever.

79
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:02,934
Which means you've never felt the joy

80
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:05,478
of exchanging your free time
for a child's smile.

81
00:03:05,562 --> 00:03:07,981
I never volunteer because
of my Munchausen syndrome.

82
00:03:08,064 --> 00:03:09,399
Are we getting paid?

83
00:03:09,482 --> 00:03:13,820
You will get paid, um, actually,
in attractive hats that I made.

84
00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:15,738
They say "chaperone."

85
00:03:16,948 --> 00:03:19,108
And Gary the Janitor has one
that says "clean up crew."

86
00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,743
You call me Gary the Janitor

87
00:03:20,827 --> 00:03:23,871
as if me being a janitor
is my whole identity.

88
00:03:23,955 --> 00:03:27,959
It's like someone calling you
Jess the Third-Hottest White Teacher.

89
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,043
Okay.

90
00:03:29,127 --> 00:03:30,962
Are we done? I'm gonna say we're done.

91
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,046
- Yeah.
- Okay.

92
00:03:32,130 --> 00:03:34,173
Thank-thanks, guys. Good-good meeting.

93
00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,068
I don't know where
I'm supposed to be right now.

94
00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:38,720
Thanks, guys. It's gonna be great!

95
00:03:39,888 --> 00:03:41,639
You don't have to wear that, Coach.

96
00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:44,309
As far as I'm concerned,
this dance starts now.

97
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:48,146
I know how important this dance is to you.
Those kids won't get away with anything.

98
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:51,274
If they want to bang,
they're gonna have to bang through me.

99
00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:52,358
Wait.

100
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:56,237
If they want to bang,
they're gonna have to bang through me!

101
00:03:56,654 --> 00:03:57,739
Wait.

102
00:03:59,157 --> 00:04:00,158
Hey, Wendy.

103
00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:02,493
Whoa!

104
00:04:02,911 --> 00:04:04,996
That shirt's scary! Whoa.

105
00:04:07,957 --> 00:04:09,208
You going to the dance tonight?

106
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,418
My mom's making me go.

107
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:13,046
Making you go
to the best night of your life?

108
00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:14,964
Your mom sounds really cool.

109
00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:18,218
Come on, at your age,
love is forever and ever and ever.

110
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,803
What are you gonna wear?

111
00:04:20,887 --> 00:04:21,930
This shirt.

112
00:04:22,222 --> 00:04:24,265
Oh. Oh!

113
00:04:24,891 --> 00:04:28,144
That is the best idea I've heard all week.

114
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,939
Whoa! Scary shirt!

115
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:34,317
We all think that you're an idiot
for dating this 14-year-old.

116
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,401
He's 20.

117
00:04:35,485 --> 00:04:37,588
That means he was seven
when Good Will Hunting came out.

118
00:04:37,612 --> 00:04:39,656
Seven, Cece. Good Will Hunting.

119
00:04:39,739 --> 00:04:41,300
You know what?
Let me go, let me go, let me go.

120
00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:45,245
Um, check this out.
Cece's boyfriend is so young that…

121
00:04:46,955 --> 00:04:49,040
It'll come back to me.

122
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:50,959
Buster is more of a man than all of you.

123
00:04:51,042 --> 00:04:54,003
Okay? He's been to, like, 40 countries,
he builds boats,

124
00:04:54,087 --> 00:04:55,880
he used to train snakes with his uncle.

125
00:04:55,964 --> 00:04:57,423
Earning a respectable wage,

126
00:04:57,507 --> 00:04:59,759
wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks,

127
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:02,345
ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss…

128
00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:04,013
These things a man maketh.

129
00:05:04,097 --> 00:05:05,515
So stupid stuff that you do.

130
00:05:05,598 --> 00:05:07,433
I know that technically you guys are men,

131
00:05:07,517 --> 00:05:10,812
but all you do is hang out
with each other, like you're 12.

132
00:05:10,895 --> 00:05:12,456
What do you know?
You're just a stupid girl.

133
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,774
Okay, I got it, I got it. Okay.

134
00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:17,443
Cece's boyfriend is so young that…

135
00:05:17,527 --> 00:05:18,861
- How-how young is he?
- Winston.

136
00:05:18,945 --> 00:05:20,196
'Cause everybody wants to know.

137
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,198
It's not working, man. I'm serious.

138
00:05:22,282 --> 00:05:24,701
- I'm at my wit's end with you.
- Mm. What?

139
00:05:25,243 --> 00:05:28,204
Wait a minute. Why's the door locked?

140
00:05:28,288 --> 00:05:29,664
The dance starts in five minutes.

141
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:31,583
- Okay.
- Gary!

142
00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:33,543
Thank God you're here.
Can you unlock the door?

143
00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:35,378
No. I didn't put that there.

144
00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:37,839
What? Who else could have done it?

145
00:05:37,922 --> 00:05:40,508
We can't start the dance
if the door's locked.

146
00:05:40,592 --> 00:05:42,802
Don't tell me I wore my raw denim
for no reason.

147
00:05:42,886 --> 00:05:46,139
- Don't you dare tell me that!
- I am not telling you that.

148
00:05:46,222 --> 00:05:47,599
So the dance is cancelled, then?

149
00:05:47,682 --> 00:05:48,868
No, no, no. There is gonna be a dance.

150
00:05:48,892 --> 00:05:50,768
It's gonna be great and perfect and lovely

151
00:05:50,852 --> 00:05:52,663
and it will celebrate
love is forever and ever and ever.

152
00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:53,688
Where are you guys going?

153
00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:55,815
In life, nowhere.

154
00:05:55,899 --> 00:05:57,775
But I know I don't want to be here.

155
00:05:57,859 --> 00:06:00,695
Guys, please stay.
It would really mean a lot to me.

156
00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:01,821
Boring.

157
00:06:03,740 --> 00:06:05,742
It's Jess.
All of her chaperones just bailed,

158
00:06:05,825 --> 00:06:06,826
and she needs help.

159
00:06:06,910 --> 00:06:08,119
A lady needs help?

160
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,913
Is that a job for a boy…

161
00:06:09,996 --> 00:06:10,997
- No.
- Or a…

162
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,332
- Man!
- Man?

163
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:14,626
Men! Men! Men!

164
00:06:14,709 --> 00:06:17,587
Men! Men! Men! Men! Men!

165
00:06:17,670 --> 00:06:19,047
Well, the dummy patrol is ready.

166
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:20,882
- Men! Men!
- Men! Aah!

167
00:06:20,965 --> 00:06:22,634
Men. Man!

168
00:06:22,717 --> 00:06:24,969
- So stupid.
- Seriously, are you okay for real?

169
00:06:25,053 --> 00:06:26,530
- You got any ice?
- Dude, rub his shoulder.

170
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:27,907
Rub his shoulder.
I'll get ice. I'll get ice.

171
00:06:27,931 --> 00:06:29,641
My shoulder go into his. You all right?

172
00:06:29,724 --> 00:06:31,726
- Ow, man!
- Okay, all right, just sit back.

173
00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,478
Nick, get the ice!

174
00:06:35,855 --> 00:06:37,190
How do you know how to do that?

175
00:06:37,273 --> 00:06:39,442
Well, a tire iron
is actually strong enough

176
00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,712
to break through a high-carbon steel
steering wheel lock,

177
00:06:41,736 --> 00:06:43,571
so, you know,
I figured I'd work with this.

178
00:06:43,655 --> 00:06:44,906
Cece scares me sometimes.

179
00:06:44,989 --> 00:06:46,675
It's just the tip
of the iceberg, my friend.

180
00:06:46,699 --> 00:06:49,327
- Got it. There we go.
- Oh! Yes!

181
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:51,496
- Now we're cooking with gas.
- Yes!

182
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,873
Everything's back on track, guys!

183
00:06:53,957 --> 00:06:58,378
This bike lock was a real punk move.
Seems like there's a lot of punks here.

184
00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,129
Did you do this? Hey. Did you do this?

185
00:07:00,213 --> 00:07:01,853
- Huh? Did you do this?
- Hey, easy, easy.

186
00:07:01,881 --> 00:07:04,109
If anyone's messing with this dance,
it's one of those teachers.

187
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,802
Those hats were begging for payback.

188
00:07:05,885 --> 00:07:06,886
- Let's do this.
- Hey.

189
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:08,888
Listen up, chaperones.

190
00:07:08,972 --> 00:07:12,475
You will obey all of my instructions.
This means everything to Jess.

191
00:07:12,559 --> 00:07:14,269
Your asses belong to me now.

192
00:07:14,352 --> 00:07:17,605
Which means I currently have four asses.

193
00:07:17,689 --> 00:07:20,024
The three of yours and mine.

194
00:07:20,108 --> 00:07:23,236
I think we're capable of handling
a bunch of prepubescent kids.

195
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:25,071
Do you think you are tough, Winston?

196
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:28,658
You have no idea
what these little bastards are capable of.

197
00:07:28,741 --> 00:07:31,953
I mean, I love them.
I love them with all my heart.

198
00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:35,707
But they will
hurt your feelings sometimes.

199
00:07:36,082 --> 00:07:37,125
He's right.

200
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:39,460
I remember sticks and stones
may break your bones,

201
00:07:39,544 --> 00:07:42,422
but not if you're a fat kid
with calcium deficiency.

202
00:07:43,339 --> 00:07:45,526
Schmidt, you're on snack table duty.
Keep the chip bowls full.

203
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:46,902
Don't let the kids spike the punch.

204
00:07:46,926 --> 00:07:50,096
And make sure Diabetic Amy
only has four cookies.

205
00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:53,016
Diabetic Amy ain't gonna get
no cookies on my watch.

206
00:07:53,099 --> 00:07:55,299
No, she-she has to have
at least two or she'll pass out.

207
00:07:55,351 --> 00:07:57,121
She's getting nothing
as far as I'm concerned.

208
00:07:57,145 --> 00:07:58,980
At least two, at least two
or she'll pass out.

209
00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:01,566
- All right, Winston? Dance floor duty.
- Yes, sir.

210
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,234
Ooh, you shouldn't have said that, man,

211
00:08:03,318 --> 00:08:04,545
that is the perfect
place for me right now.

212
00:08:04,569 --> 00:08:06,171
- I got so much heat coming off me, man.
- No.

213
00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,822
No, no, no, no, no, no. No heat.

214
00:08:07,906 --> 00:08:09,466
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- No heat. Hey, hey, hey.

215
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:11,409
None. Hey, look at me. No heat.

216
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:14,370
The opposite of heat.
Six inches separation at all times.

217
00:08:14,454 --> 00:08:16,164
Nobody's getting pregnant tonight.

218
00:08:16,706 --> 00:08:18,708
That's the same thing I say on my dates.

219
00:08:18,791 --> 00:08:21,294
Not cool.

220
00:08:22,795 --> 00:08:24,547
- Let's hit it.
- Hey, hey.

221
00:08:24,923 --> 00:08:26,382
Saving the best for last?

222
00:08:26,466 --> 00:08:29,469
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick, uh,
you're not chaperone material.

223
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:33,389
I've been at this job for a few weeks now
and I know the stink of a bad kid.

224
00:08:33,473 --> 00:08:36,142
That makes me the perfect
candidate to be a chaperone.

225
00:08:36,226 --> 00:08:40,104
Coach. Just think about it.
I can get in the mind of a bad kid.

226
00:08:40,188 --> 00:08:42,732
Think like 'em. I can go deep.
I can go too deep.

227
00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:45,127
I'm gonna put you in the parking lot
to sweep for stragglers.

228
00:08:45,151 --> 00:08:47,711
- You want me on the streets.
- It's not that important of a job.

229
00:08:49,113 --> 00:08:50,657
I won't let you down.

230
00:08:51,199 --> 00:08:52,784
I'm not gonna let you down!

231
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:58,414
You taking a… A break right now?

232
00:08:59,916 --> 00:09:02,794
The fall
You gave me nothing at all.

233
00:09:02,877 --> 00:09:04,963
But still you're in my way

234
00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:06,881
I beg and borrow and steal.

235
00:09:06,965 --> 00:09:08,550
At first sight and it's real

236
00:09:08,633 --> 00:09:10,552
I didn't know I would feel it.

237
00:09:10,635 --> 00:09:12,112
When the heat moves you,
you got to move…

238
00:09:12,136 --> 00:09:15,265
Okay, no heat. No heat.
No heat, Bishop, no heat.

239
00:09:15,348 --> 00:09:17,183
Keep that heat locked up.

240
00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:18,268
Keep that heat…

241
00:09:19,102 --> 00:09:21,104
Think you're going, baby.

242
00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:22,939
I, this is…

243
00:09:23,314 --> 00:09:24,524
Crazy.

244
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:26,109
Put that heat away, Bishop.

245
00:09:26,192 --> 00:09:29,487
Huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You got that, man. You got…

246
00:09:31,531 --> 00:09:32,740
What are you looking at?

247
00:09:33,408 --> 00:09:34,701
Cool mustache.

248
00:09:36,536 --> 00:09:38,288
Too much heat.

249
00:09:38,788 --> 00:09:40,039
Too much heat.

250
00:09:40,957 --> 00:09:43,167
All right, kids,
let's use the serving tongs.

251
00:09:43,251 --> 00:09:44,460
This isn't Appalachia.

252
00:09:44,878 --> 00:09:47,505
Hurry up, everybody,
before Justin eats everything.

253
00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:53,845
Son, I don't think you meant to hurt
Justin's feelings, there.

254
00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:55,972
What's going on, really?

255
00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:58,266
Are the parents fighting at home?

256
00:09:58,349 --> 00:09:59,392
Leave me alone, flamer.

257
00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:01,060
Flamer?

258
00:10:01,895 --> 00:10:04,022
You're the… You're the flamer, pal.

259
00:10:04,105 --> 00:10:05,249
- You're the flamer.
- You're the flamer.

260
00:10:05,273 --> 00:10:06,917
- Flamer.
- Stop saying that word, it's prob…

261
00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:08,085
Probably offensive
to some people, you flamer.

262
00:10:08,109 --> 00:10:09,110
Flamer, flamer.

263
00:10:09,193 --> 00:10:11,046
- Yeah, take a doughnut, there, you flamer.
- Flamer.

264
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:13,156
Schmidt. I got a bit of a situation here.

265
00:10:13,239 --> 00:10:15,199
Um, thoughts? Advice?

266
00:10:15,992 --> 00:10:17,118
What now?

267
00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:20,371
Aw, son of a b… Penis.

268
00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:22,498
Ah, that wasn't better.

269
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:24,000
Sorry, everyone.

270
00:10:25,084 --> 00:10:26,085
You were right.

271
00:10:26,586 --> 00:10:28,630
Someone's trying to mess with my dance.

272
00:10:28,713 --> 00:10:30,798
Hmm. It's paste.

273
00:10:31,216 --> 00:10:32,258
And it's fresh.

274
00:10:36,763 --> 00:10:38,890
Banana in the dark.

275
00:10:42,352 --> 00:10:43,478
Uh-oh.

276
00:10:44,103 --> 00:10:45,521
You ruined my dance.

277
00:10:45,605 --> 00:10:48,066
I can smell the paste. Perpetrator.

278
00:10:51,861 --> 00:10:53,112
- He's in there.
- Oh.

279
00:10:53,196 --> 00:10:54,906
Okay, when we get in there,

280
00:10:54,989 --> 00:10:57,367
I'm going to be good cop,
you be bad cop, okay?

281
00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:58,451
Got it.

282
00:11:00,411 --> 00:11:01,663
There are two ways this can go.

283
00:11:01,746 --> 00:11:04,958
Number one,
you tell us why you ruined the dance.

284
00:11:05,416 --> 00:11:09,754
Number two, I bash your
skull in with a carburetor!

285
00:11:10,964 --> 00:11:13,258
- I thought I was bad cop.
- You are the bad cop.

286
00:11:13,341 --> 00:11:16,511
I'm the tough, competent cop,
who's good at her job,

287
00:11:16,594 --> 00:11:18,555
you're the kind of fumbly, dumb cop

288
00:11:18,638 --> 00:11:19,806
who's… Who's nice and…

289
00:11:19,889 --> 00:11:21,534
Yeah, that's not how it works,
though. I mean,

290
00:11:21,558 --> 00:11:23,077
the good cop is nice
and the bad cop is mean.

291
00:11:23,101 --> 00:11:24,328
That would be nice cop, mean cop.

292
00:11:24,352 --> 00:11:26,771
That's how it works on every cop show,
when you watch it.

293
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:27,855
I watch cop shows.

294
00:11:27,939 --> 00:11:29,416
- You need to pay more attention.
- I do pay attention…

295
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,317
What do you awful women want?

296
00:11:31,401 --> 00:11:32,735
We want to know

297
00:11:33,278 --> 00:11:36,864
why you locked the door
and poured glue in the breaker.

298
00:11:37,198 --> 00:11:38,533
I didn't do any of that.

299
00:11:39,784 --> 00:11:43,162
Why would anybody
want to ruin such a magical night?

300
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:47,083
Uh, you're the only one
who wanted to have this stupid dance.

301
00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:48,751
Revenge would be my guess.

302
00:11:49,544 --> 00:11:50,879
What do you know?

303
00:11:50,962 --> 00:11:53,965
Well, you have the grip
of a much taller woman.

304
00:11:54,883 --> 00:11:56,843
And I don't not like that.

305
00:11:56,926 --> 00:11:57,927
Ugh.

306
00:12:02,015 --> 00:12:03,255
Some fireworks or something.

307
00:12:05,435 --> 00:12:06,686
What's up, gentlemen?

308
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,455
Just hanging out
outside in the parking lot?

309
00:12:08,479 --> 00:12:10,416
We're not doing anything.
We don't need a chaperone.

310
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,192
Calling me a 'rone?

311
00:12:13,276 --> 00:12:16,863
I'm not a 'rone.
I'm basically the same guy as you.

312
00:12:16,946 --> 00:12:18,823
We're wearing the same shirt.

313
00:12:19,824 --> 00:12:22,035
I'm a good guy,
I'm having fun. I'm just…

314
00:12:22,118 --> 00:12:24,329
I'm bored in there,
I'm looking to hang out.

315
00:12:24,412 --> 00:12:25,830
Is that a crime, officers?

316
00:12:26,956 --> 00:12:28,791
Say, you guys got any billy whizz?

317
00:12:28,875 --> 00:12:31,252
Any juice, any sweet Mary Jane?
I'm looking.

318
00:12:31,336 --> 00:12:32,976
Okay, if you're really not a chaperone…

319
00:12:34,297 --> 00:12:35,798
Why don't you take a sip of this?

320
00:12:36,591 --> 00:12:38,718
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
I got nothing to prove.

321
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:39,969
Are you a 'rone or not?

322
00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:42,138
Give me that.

323
00:12:53,608 --> 00:12:55,693
What is that? Is that a suicide?

324
00:12:55,777 --> 00:12:58,196
- The soda flavors all mixed together.
- You know it, bro.

325
00:12:58,279 --> 00:13:00,907
That was super intense.

326
00:13:00,990 --> 00:13:02,742
Sorry, I spit some of it up.

327
00:13:03,409 --> 00:13:04,619
He's cool.

328
00:13:11,459 --> 00:13:12,669
Hey, buddy, uh…

329
00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:16,047
Tommy, is it? I just…
I just wanted to apologize

330
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:17,507
for what happened before, kiddo.

331
00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:19,551
What, are you gonna propose to me, now?

332
00:13:23,221 --> 00:13:25,261
That's funny. No, I…
I get it. You know, when I…

333
00:13:25,306 --> 00:13:28,142
When I was young, I too found
that humor can be a useful tool.

334
00:13:28,226 --> 00:13:29,769
Dude, get up, I'm not gonna marry you.

335
00:13:33,064 --> 00:13:36,526
I, too, found that humor can be a…
A useful tool.

336
00:13:36,609 --> 00:13:38,528
And then you grow up and you become a man.

337
00:13:38,611 --> 00:13:39,672
Well, you smell like a woman.

338
00:13:39,696 --> 00:13:41,281
That's it, enough is enough with you.

339
00:13:41,364 --> 00:13:45,243
You think you're a tough guy, tough guy?
Prove it, man.

340
00:13:45,326 --> 00:13:46,744
Name the time and place.

341
00:13:46,828 --> 00:13:48,913
15 minutes. Parking lot.

342
00:13:48,997 --> 00:13:50,373
- Fist fight?
- Foot race.

343
00:13:51,499 --> 00:13:52,834
- A what?
- Yeah, you heard me.

344
00:13:52,917 --> 00:13:54,168
Foot race, man.

345
00:13:54,252 --> 00:13:56,671
I'll run circles
around you and all your pals.

346
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:02,886
Oh.

347
00:14:02,969 --> 00:14:06,764
You girls are multiplying like bunnies.
That's weird.

348
00:14:06,848 --> 00:14:08,683
Lot more of you than there is of me.

349
00:14:15,023 --> 00:14:17,775
We should lock all the doors.
No one gets in, no one gets out.

350
00:14:17,859 --> 00:14:20,361
The culprit's inside.
It's friggin' Gosford Park!

351
00:14:20,445 --> 00:14:22,280
You need to just calm down a little, Jess.

352
00:14:22,363 --> 00:14:25,116
I can't calm down!
I want this to be perfect.

353
00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:27,035
I know, but it's too late for that, okay?

354
00:14:27,118 --> 00:14:29,412
There are kids
doing their homework in there.

355
00:14:29,495 --> 00:14:30,538
It's bleak.

356
00:14:30,622 --> 00:14:34,250
I know after what happened with Nick
you wanted this to go great,

357
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:37,212
but it's not your fault that
the dance got messed up, all right?

358
00:14:37,295 --> 00:14:38,588
You'll get 'em next time.

359
00:14:39,631 --> 00:14:41,049
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

360
00:14:41,132 --> 00:14:42,884
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

361
00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:46,346
Oh, that was a sugar rush, man.
That's a buzz in the brain!

362
00:14:48,139 --> 00:14:50,642
Ooh, ooh!

363
00:14:50,725 --> 00:14:52,045
You guys see how high I just got?

364
00:14:57,982 --> 00:14:58,983
I'm good.

365
00:14:59,067 --> 00:15:00,526
He ain't a 'rone. Too dumb.

366
00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:02,654
Aw, this is fun, man! I miss this!

367
00:15:02,737 --> 00:15:04,197
I really do, man. Let's keep going.

368
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:05,990
Let's get burgers. Meet some girls.

369
00:15:06,074 --> 00:15:07,992
Different ages, man. It's so early!

370
00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:11,162
Hey, we got something to show you.

371
00:15:14,249 --> 00:15:16,334
Look, guys, we had a lot of fun,

372
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:19,212
but we can get in a lot of trouble
for doing this.

373
00:15:20,171 --> 00:15:23,758
Which is why you gotta run
really fast when it goes off.

374
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:25,301
Like now!

375
00:15:25,385 --> 00:15:26,719
- Oh, dude!
- Go! I mean it! Go!

376
00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:31,516
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah!

377
00:15:32,183 --> 00:15:33,184
Yeah!

378
00:15:33,935 --> 00:15:35,228
What are we gonna do now?

379
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:39,065
- Let's ride.
- Oh, hell yeah!

380
00:15:42,402 --> 00:15:43,444
Wendy?

381
00:15:43,528 --> 00:15:45,655
Busted.

382
00:15:52,078 --> 00:15:55,456
Well, you really did
come prepared, Wendy. A wrench…

383
00:15:56,499 --> 00:15:57,750
Some glue…

384
00:15:59,669 --> 00:16:02,797
A box of tampons?
What were you gonna do with this?

385
00:16:02,881 --> 00:16:03,882
Um…

386
00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:06,301
Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

387
00:16:08,136 --> 00:16:10,054
So you really didn't want
the dance to happen?

388
00:16:10,138 --> 00:16:12,098
None of the boys want to dance with me.

389
00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:14,309
- Jess?
- Hey, Cece.

390
00:16:14,392 --> 00:16:16,019
- Hey.
- This is Wendy.

391
00:16:16,102 --> 00:16:18,622
She was just telling me
how she doesn't like to dance with boys.

392
00:16:21,524 --> 00:16:23,067
Oh.

393
00:16:23,985 --> 00:16:27,113
- Yeah.
- Well, that makes sense

394
00:16:27,196 --> 00:16:28,990
because boys are the dumbest.

395
00:16:29,073 --> 00:16:30,408
You're just saying that.

396
00:16:30,491 --> 00:16:31,910
- No. No, no.
- No.

397
00:16:31,993 --> 00:16:36,289
Cece and I have met
so many boys, and they are all so dumb.

398
00:16:36,372 --> 00:16:38,625
Yeah, and I've met more than her, so…

399
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:41,753
Yeah, and Cece has met more
than me because she is…

400
00:16:41,836 --> 00:16:43,046
Nicer than me.

401
00:16:43,129 --> 00:16:45,173
- Nicer?
- I just mean you've met…

402
00:16:45,256 --> 00:16:48,176
- 'Cause you're well-traveled.
- "Well-traveled"

403
00:16:48,259 --> 00:16:49,695
- is how we're gonna say it?
- I mean…

404
00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:52,359
- You better tread lightly. I will…
- Travel… You travel a lot.

405
00:16:53,348 --> 00:16:54,390
Mm-hmm.

406
00:16:54,474 --> 00:16:56,809
I don't think
I'm ever gonna dance with a boy.

407
00:16:56,893 --> 00:16:59,562
Listen, are boys dumb?

408
00:17:00,355 --> 00:17:03,149
Yes. Yes.

409
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:07,278
Do they do disappointing,
stupid, stupid things

410
00:17:07,362 --> 00:17:11,199
that really hurt your feelings? Yes.

411
00:17:11,741 --> 00:17:14,369
Sometimes things don't work out
the way you plan them.

412
00:17:14,452 --> 00:17:17,080
Actually, they never work out
the way you plan them,

413
00:17:17,789 --> 00:17:21,167
but, in the end, it's all worth it,

414
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:23,545
and that's why you have to try.

415
00:17:27,799 --> 00:17:29,384
Are you talking about sex or dancing?

416
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:30,593
- Dancing.
- Oh, God.

417
00:17:30,677 --> 00:17:31,837
- Dancing, dancing.
- Dancing.

418
00:17:31,886 --> 00:17:32,947
- Upright dancing.
- We're talking about dancing.

419
00:17:32,971 --> 00:17:35,098
Okay. I'll try.

420
00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:36,558
So let's get back out there.

421
00:17:36,641 --> 00:17:39,727
Oh, Cece, it's okay.
There's no light, no music.

422
00:17:39,811 --> 00:17:40,937
The dance is over.

423
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:42,772
Oh, no, this dance is not over.

424
00:17:43,815 --> 00:17:46,317
We just need to find some stupid boys.

425
00:17:48,236 --> 00:17:49,612
You look so slow.

426
00:17:49,696 --> 00:17:50,822
Like a s… Like a s…

427
00:17:50,905 --> 00:17:53,157
Super dumb, slow turtle.

428
00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:55,135
- I'm so fast, and you're so old.
- So much like a…

429
00:17:55,159 --> 00:17:57,287
Like a turtle, it's crazy to me.

430
00:17:57,370 --> 00:17:58,530
Are we gonna do this or what?

431
00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:01,708
Oh, yeah, we're gonna do this.
I'm like a Hebrew cheetah.

432
00:18:01,791 --> 00:18:03,084
On the count of three.

433
00:18:04,127 --> 00:18:05,128
One…

434
00:18:05,503 --> 00:18:06,504
Two…

435
00:18:06,588 --> 00:18:08,423
Thr… Flo-Jo!

436
00:18:13,219 --> 00:18:16,431
Flo-Jo!

437
00:18:19,684 --> 00:18:20,894
What are you doing?

438
00:18:32,405 --> 00:18:33,406
Hello!

439
00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:37,619
Yeah! Yeah!

440
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:40,246
Man!

441
00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:42,332
- What is your problem, man?
- I wasn't driving!

442
00:18:44,208 --> 00:18:45,501
Are you kidding me?

443
00:18:48,046 --> 00:18:50,256
All students inside now!

444
00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:52,217
Go, go, go, go, go, go.

445
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:57,472
You three are the worst
chaperones possible on earth.

446
00:18:57,555 --> 00:18:58,973
A dog would be better than you.

447
00:18:59,057 --> 00:19:02,602
A plant wearing underwear
would be better than you.

448
00:19:02,685 --> 00:19:06,314
Ray Charles' ghost
would be better than you!

449
00:19:06,856 --> 00:19:08,233
Wh…

450
00:19:08,316 --> 00:19:09,651
What kind of men are you?

451
00:19:10,485 --> 00:19:12,111
Hey!

452
00:19:13,112 --> 00:19:14,405
Stupid boys!

453
00:19:15,782 --> 00:19:17,075
We need ya.

454
00:19:17,617 --> 00:19:19,953
Who's ready to have a good time?

455
00:19:20,036 --> 00:19:22,163
The lights went out,
and you made your own light.

456
00:19:23,331 --> 00:19:26,000
The music went out,
and we're gonna make our own music.

457
00:19:27,544 --> 00:19:29,337
We have a very special
guest for you tonight.

458
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:32,507
Please give a big
Coolidge Middle School welcome

459
00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:35,093
to the Dumbest Boys in School!

460
00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,055
I thought we were going
with Sweet Surrender.

461
00:19:39,138 --> 00:19:40,390
This won't be good.

462
00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:44,978
Calm down, girls. Don't get crazy.
Just calm down.

463
00:19:45,061 --> 00:19:47,814
Okay, Coolidge,
get ready to hit the dance floor

464
00:19:47,897 --> 00:19:51,484
in three, two, one!

465
00:19:51,568 --> 00:19:53,069
Aw, yeah. All right.

466
00:19:55,905 --> 00:19:58,825
Rap battle. 8 Mile.

467
00:19:58,908 --> 00:20:02,537
This one goes out to your vice principal
and my friend, Jessica Day.

468
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:05,123
I don't wear indigo
I don't wear teal.

469
00:20:05,206 --> 00:20:06,874
You better look out
You know that's right.

470
00:20:06,958 --> 00:20:09,544
That's right 'cause-'cause
Schmidt is for real, mmm

471
00:20:09,627 --> 00:20:11,212
I take that back, actually

472
00:20:11,296 --> 00:20:13,214
I do wear teal sometimes.

473
00:20:13,882 --> 00:20:16,885
When I say "sometimes,"
you say "teal." Sometimes!

474
00:20:16,968 --> 00:20:17,969
- Teal!
- Sometimes!

475
00:20:18,052 --> 00:20:19,095
- Teal!
- Sometimes!

476
00:20:19,178 --> 00:20:20,388
- Teal!
- Mic drop.

477
00:20:22,515 --> 00:20:24,726
What's up, what's up, what's up?

478
00:20:24,809 --> 00:20:26,728
Anybody here from Chicago?
Chicago, Illinois?

479
00:20:26,811 --> 00:20:29,731
City of Big Shoulders, Big Dreams!

480
00:20:29,814 --> 00:20:31,584
That would make sense.
You guys go to school here.

481
00:20:31,608 --> 00:20:34,819
You're just kids, so you're all from here.
Somebody else go.

482
00:20:34,903 --> 00:20:35,945
- That was it?
- Yeah.

483
00:20:38,656 --> 00:20:40,742
Gonna be a cop
Straight walking a beat.

484
00:20:40,825 --> 00:20:42,785
Role model, out on the street.

485
00:20:42,869 --> 00:20:45,496
Unless I get assigned to a desk
Which is also vital.

486
00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:48,082
Because when paperwork slides
That's how you get a mistrial.

487
00:20:48,166 --> 00:20:50,126
When I say "miss," you say "trial."

488
00:20:50,209 --> 00:20:51,419
- Miss.
- Trial.

489
00:20:51,502 --> 00:20:53,254
I said, when I say "miss,"
you say "trial."

490
00:20:53,338 --> 00:20:54,881
Miss, unless you trying to die.

491
00:20:54,964 --> 00:20:56,966
- What, are you nuts?
- Then know who you are.

492
00:20:57,050 --> 00:20:59,111
- A whole carton of dumbasses.
- Ruin them khakis you got on.

493
00:20:59,135 --> 00:21:01,864
- Thank you all very much! Thank you!
- I'm just saying, they're wearing light…

494
00:21:01,888 --> 00:21:04,057
- Hey, they're kids.
- Good idea, Todd.

495
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:06,684
- Also got to die.
- Ow!

496
00:21:06,768 --> 00:21:09,270
One, two, one, two.

497
00:21:09,354 --> 00:21:10,480
Here we go.

498
00:21:10,563 --> 00:21:12,941
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

499
00:21:13,024 --> 00:21:15,109
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive.

500
00:21:15,193 --> 00:21:17,111
This is what it sounds like.

501
00:21:17,195 --> 00:21:19,614
Oh… Oh

502
00:21:19,697 --> 00:21:22,033
I'm alive.

503
00:21:29,082 --> 00:21:31,084
This is what it sounds like.

504
00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:35,255
Oh, oh, I'm alive…