1 00:00:19,038 --> 00:00:20,081 Hey, look who it is. 2 00:00:20,164 --> 00:00:22,125 It's Schmidt. And, um… 3 00:00:22,208 --> 00:00:23,543 This is Barb. Barb is leaving. 4 00:00:23,626 --> 00:00:24,752 Oh, Barb. Like the elephant. 5 00:00:24,836 --> 00:00:26,504 That's Babar, you dum-dum. 6 00:00:26,587 --> 00:00:30,007 Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up? 7 00:00:30,091 --> 00:00:33,010 Since I know sleeping wasn't the main activity of the night. 8 00:00:33,094 --> 00:00:35,304 Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick. 9 00:00:35,388 --> 00:00:37,432 You're just so loud! 10 00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:40,184 - You have a lot of roommates. - So many of 'em. That's great. 11 00:00:40,268 --> 00:00:41,519 - Bye, Barb. - Bye, Barb. 12 00:00:41,602 --> 00:00:42,770 Bye, Schmidt. 13 00:00:43,354 --> 00:00:44,856 That was the third piece of nanny 14 00:00:44,939 --> 00:00:46,858 - this week, am I right? - Sure is. 15 00:00:46,941 --> 00:00:49,026 Little shop talk from someone who's also out there 16 00:00:49,110 --> 00:00:51,362 trying to crush butt herself. 17 00:00:51,446 --> 00:00:52,738 Um, where are you meeting all 18 00:00:52,822 --> 00:00:55,450 these eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings? 19 00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:57,034 - Dice. - Hmm? 20 00:00:57,118 --> 00:00:59,203 - It's kind of like Tinder. - Dice and Tinder. 21 00:00:59,287 --> 00:01:00,639 I've been to those bars. They're downtown, right? 22 00:01:00,663 --> 00:01:02,665 Dice is a dating app. 23 00:01:02,749 --> 00:01:04,375 - Dating app. - It's not for you. 24 00:01:04,459 --> 00:01:06,627 What? Schmidty. 25 00:01:06,919 --> 00:01:08,671 Come on. I've Internet-dated before. 26 00:01:08,755 --> 00:01:11,883 You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back. 27 00:01:12,008 --> 00:01:14,469 - You are just describing e-mailing. - Come on. 28 00:01:14,552 --> 00:01:15,696 You're gonna get eaten alive on Dice. 29 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,072 - Come on, now. - Do you want to see… 30 00:01:17,096 --> 00:01:19,599 Do you want to see… This is Dice. Come here. 31 00:01:19,682 --> 00:01:21,559 It's all about split-second decisions, okay? 32 00:01:21,768 --> 00:01:23,162 You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, 33 00:01:23,186 --> 00:01:24,746 - you swipe up for no. - You're so fast. 34 00:01:24,812 --> 00:01:25,956 Instinct. That's what it's about. 35 00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:27,690 Which you don't have. 36 00:01:28,357 --> 00:01:31,110 Now, I'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash. 37 00:01:31,194 --> 00:01:32,945 Don't go on Dice, Jess. 38 00:01:33,488 --> 00:01:34,530 I won't. 39 00:01:37,241 --> 00:01:39,577 Okay, now. 40 00:01:40,995 --> 00:01:42,622 New account. 41 00:01:42,705 --> 00:01:46,459 I am… darn tootin' fun. 42 00:01:46,542 --> 00:01:48,086 DTF. 43 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,922 Seeks same. 44 00:01:51,005 --> 00:01:53,049 I'm Dicing. 45 00:01:53,966 --> 00:01:55,426 Who's that girl? 46 00:01:55,510 --> 00:01:56,511 Who's that girl? 47 00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:58,096 It's Jess! 48 00:02:02,517 --> 00:02:04,369 You know, I'm really enjoying the police academy, 49 00:02:04,393 --> 00:02:05,937 but, believe it or not, 50 00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:08,147 I am not clicking socially with the other cadets. 51 00:02:08,231 --> 00:02:09,315 - What? Weird. - Oh, my God. 52 00:02:09,398 --> 00:02:11,109 - No. - That's crazy. 53 00:02:11,192 --> 00:02:13,045 - That is super shocking news. - I can't wrap my head around that. 54 00:02:13,069 --> 00:02:15,172 - That just doesn't add up. - Everyone's got a nickname but me. 55 00:02:15,196 --> 00:02:17,907 Yo, Swoops! What up, Gunner? 56 00:02:17,990 --> 00:02:19,659 Hey, Winston Bishop. 57 00:02:19,992 --> 00:02:21,192 Why don't you just go ask them 58 00:02:21,244 --> 00:02:22,764 if you can hang out with them sometime? 59 00:02:22,829 --> 00:02:24,056 I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 60 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,833 Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude. 61 00:02:26,916 --> 00:02:29,293 Winnie the Bish wasn't raised to be rude. 62 00:02:29,419 --> 00:02:31,796 Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca. 63 00:02:32,505 --> 00:02:34,632 I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop. 64 00:02:34,715 --> 00:02:37,301 I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, I don't know, 65 00:02:37,385 --> 00:02:39,025 what if I want to get stoned or something? 66 00:02:39,095 --> 00:02:40,489 I've actually never gotten stoned before. 67 00:02:40,513 --> 00:02:42,348 - You've never been stoned? - What? 68 00:02:42,432 --> 00:02:43,992 Should I do it before he becomes a cop? 69 00:02:44,225 --> 00:02:45,435 - We could do this. - Really? 70 00:02:45,518 --> 00:02:47,037 We're adults. We can smoke a little weed. 71 00:02:47,061 --> 00:02:48,580 - I think we should do it. - It's been a while. 72 00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:49,897 I pick up stuff really quick. 73 00:02:49,981 --> 00:02:52,108 You can't just pick up pot and be good at it. 74 00:02:52,191 --> 00:02:54,485 Like everything else in life, it takes practice. 75 00:02:54,569 --> 00:02:56,880 Yeah, if pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl. 76 00:02:56,904 --> 00:02:59,091 Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it. 77 00:02:59,115 --> 00:03:00,867 I'll be your spiritual guru. 78 00:03:00,950 --> 00:03:02,511 And Mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, 79 00:03:02,535 --> 00:03:03,762 so I'm gonna bake some damn brownies 80 00:03:03,786 --> 00:03:05,204 so we can all freak out. 81 00:03:05,288 --> 00:03:07,665 - Let's do it. - We're getting stoned? 82 00:03:07,749 --> 00:03:09,876 This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12-year-olds. 83 00:03:10,168 --> 00:03:11,919 The hell is that? What is that noise? 84 00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:13,379 Your cellular technology. 85 00:03:14,464 --> 00:03:17,425 I haven't gotten a non-text message in two years. 86 00:03:17,508 --> 00:03:18,509 Jess? 87 00:03:18,593 --> 00:03:21,637 Hey, uh… So, I Diced 88 00:03:21,721 --> 00:03:24,140 and it was great. Um, 89 00:03:25,016 --> 00:03:27,185 but could I get a ride? 90 00:03:27,852 --> 00:03:29,812 You sure you don't want to hop on for a second? 91 00:03:32,815 --> 00:03:35,777 Do you have a dog, or is this all you? 92 00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:37,278 Which would you prefer? 93 00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:43,409 Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? 94 00:03:45,078 --> 00:03:46,788 He looked nice in his picture. 95 00:03:48,081 --> 00:03:49,916 The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, 96 00:03:49,999 --> 00:03:52,835 so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy tail? 97 00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:54,003 - Mmm. - He asked me 98 00:03:54,087 --> 00:03:56,047 to the food court near his house. 99 00:03:56,130 --> 00:03:58,174 I thought that was down-to-earth, and I liked that. 100 00:03:58,299 --> 00:03:59,717 He didn't bring any money, 101 00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:01,928 so we had to go back to his apartment. 102 00:04:02,011 --> 00:04:05,306 And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. 103 00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:10,228 Maybe I'm not ready for Dice. 104 00:04:10,311 --> 00:04:12,188 Will you just help me, please? 105 00:04:12,271 --> 00:04:14,565 I want to get back out there. I have to… 106 00:04:14,649 --> 00:04:16,567 I need to get back out there. 107 00:04:16,651 --> 00:04:17,652 And I know I'm gullible. 108 00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:19,028 'Cause people tell me that, 109 00:04:19,112 --> 00:04:20,822 and I have no reason not to believe them. 110 00:04:22,156 --> 00:04:24,158 Teach me to Dice. 111 00:04:28,955 --> 00:04:31,040 Is that a yes? 112 00:04:31,624 --> 00:04:33,543 Schmidt? 113 00:04:33,626 --> 00:04:34,877 What's happening? 114 00:04:37,922 --> 00:04:39,090 Ah! What the hell? 115 00:04:39,173 --> 00:04:41,717 I will teach you Dice. 116 00:04:51,185 --> 00:04:52,854 Welcome and 117 00:04:52,937 --> 00:04:54,147 good morning. 118 00:04:54,230 --> 00:04:56,524 - It's weird here in the morning. - It is very sad. 119 00:04:56,607 --> 00:04:58,067 Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, 120 00:04:58,151 --> 00:04:59,944 your notions of dating will be challenged. 121 00:05:00,069 --> 00:05:02,196 - Jess, just listen. No notes. - I'm sorry. 122 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,032 You put notebooks and pens on the table, so I thought… 123 00:05:05,116 --> 00:05:06,301 I totally get it. Look, Jess, you're nervous. 124 00:05:06,325 --> 00:05:07,365 Would you like some water? 125 00:05:07,410 --> 00:05:08,619 - Oh, thank you. - Of course. 126 00:05:08,745 --> 00:05:10,705 - That's really nice of… - Never show weakness. 127 00:05:10,997 --> 00:05:14,083 Write that down. Now, you're on Dice 128 00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:16,002 and this hunk shows up. 129 00:05:16,085 --> 00:05:18,463 Hubba hubba, Mama in trubba. 130 00:05:18,546 --> 00:05:20,006 - Don't ever do that again. - Okay. 131 00:05:20,089 --> 00:05:22,508 So you find this man. He looks like a Hemsworth, 132 00:05:22,592 --> 00:05:23,634 if you will. 133 00:05:23,718 --> 00:05:25,553 He swipes down, you swipe down, 134 00:05:25,636 --> 00:05:28,556 you guys set a date. I show up. 135 00:05:28,890 --> 00:05:30,349 Hey, how you doing? I'm Jack Steele. 136 00:05:30,433 --> 00:05:31,976 Hi, Jack. 137 00:05:33,311 --> 00:05:35,104 - Wrong. - Is that our Taboo buzzer? 138 00:05:35,188 --> 00:05:37,040 - Not important. Why did I buzz? - Do you think you could 139 00:05:37,064 --> 00:05:38,709 just return it to the box when you're done with it? 140 00:05:38,733 --> 00:05:41,213 The reason I buzzed is because I look nothing like this person. 141 00:05:41,277 --> 00:05:43,029 Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. 142 00:05:43,112 --> 00:05:44,697 I am a rugged Semitic prince. 143 00:05:44,781 --> 00:05:46,824 - I thought we were role-playing. - Role-playing? 144 00:05:46,908 --> 00:05:48,548 What about this feels like a game to you? 145 00:05:51,454 --> 00:05:53,623 Ooh, I got a Dice match. 146 00:05:54,082 --> 00:05:55,166 Jacob. 147 00:05:55,249 --> 00:05:57,043 He has dreamy eyes. 148 00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:58,726 - Them's joint-bank-account eyes. - Okay, 149 00:05:58,795 --> 00:06:00,898 if you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, 150 00:06:00,922 --> 00:06:02,762 we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. 151 00:06:03,549 --> 00:06:06,219 Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically. 152 00:06:06,385 --> 00:06:07,613 Well, I have a good feeling about this guy. 153 00:06:07,637 --> 00:06:08,697 - Okay. - I'm gonna ask him out. 154 00:06:08,721 --> 00:06:09,806 Hey. 155 00:06:10,098 --> 00:06:11,224 You're not ready yet. 156 00:06:13,893 --> 00:06:15,603 I'm… I'm sorry about your phone. 157 00:06:15,686 --> 00:06:17,081 I'm sure you have the protection plan. 158 00:06:17,105 --> 00:06:18,773 I do have the… 159 00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:21,150 Never get the protection plan! 160 00:06:21,442 --> 00:06:23,111 The oceans are very wild. 161 00:06:23,194 --> 00:06:25,988 No man or piece of scientific technology 162 00:06:26,072 --> 00:06:28,074 has ever been to the bottom of the ocean. 163 00:06:28,157 --> 00:06:30,701 - Titanic did. - Uh, Titanic sunk down there, 164 00:06:30,785 --> 00:06:31,887 but that's not to the bottom. 165 00:06:31,911 --> 00:06:33,496 No, the man who made Titanic did. 166 00:06:34,038 --> 00:06:35,873 I don't know what Manhoo is, but… 167 00:06:35,957 --> 00:06:37,500 You guys seem a lot higher than me. 168 00:06:37,583 --> 00:06:39,919 Well, it hits everybody at different times, Hoss. 169 00:06:40,002 --> 00:06:41,629 But it's coming for you. 170 00:06:41,712 --> 00:06:43,423 My people! 171 00:06:43,506 --> 00:06:45,633 Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party. 172 00:06:45,758 --> 00:06:48,010 I took Cece's advice and decided to invite myself 173 00:06:48,094 --> 00:06:50,179 to hang out with some of the other guys, 174 00:06:50,263 --> 00:06:52,765 and I think y'all should roll with. 175 00:06:52,849 --> 00:06:53,891 Make me look cooler. 176 00:06:53,975 --> 00:06:57,562 - I'll totally go to a party on your butt. - What? 177 00:06:57,645 --> 00:06:59,522 No. No. 178 00:06:59,730 --> 00:07:02,108 Now, that is a humorous image. 179 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,278 What? 180 00:07:05,361 --> 00:07:07,464 - But, seriously, you have to go. - Oh, no, no, no, no. 181 00:07:07,488 --> 00:07:08,848 Know… know what? We're gonna go. 182 00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:09,907 We're gonna go. 183 00:07:10,158 --> 00:07:11,868 - Okay. - We're gonna go. 184 00:07:11,951 --> 00:07:13,786 We're gonna go. We're gonna go. 185 00:07:13,870 --> 00:07:15,305 - You're gonna go? - Hey, we're gonna go. 186 00:07:15,329 --> 00:07:16,831 We're gonna go. 187 00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,434 - We're gonna go. - Right on, right on. 188 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,042 Well, then we'll go. 189 00:07:20,126 --> 00:07:21,627 Yeah. 190 00:07:21,711 --> 00:07:22,938 You guys are way too messed up to be going. 191 00:07:22,962 --> 00:07:25,214 You're not an expert. I am. 192 00:07:25,298 --> 00:07:26,507 Nobody knows we're stoned. 193 00:07:26,591 --> 00:07:27,985 If we didn't go, then they would know. 194 00:07:28,009 --> 00:07:29,135 You're saying that be 195 00:07:29,218 --> 00:07:30,845 if we don't go to the party, 196 00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:32,114 they're gonna think that we're high. 197 00:07:32,138 --> 00:07:34,474 Oh, the guy who's never done weed. 198 00:07:34,557 --> 00:07:36,160 That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." 199 00:07:36,184 --> 00:07:37,769 You don't "do weed." That's a test. 200 00:07:37,852 --> 00:07:39,395 - You said it. - Listen to me, 201 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,981 first order of business, we eat their food. 202 00:07:42,190 --> 00:07:43,775 - Okay. - Then you look at the pool. 203 00:07:43,858 --> 00:07:45,651 "Aw, what a great pool." 204 00:07:45,735 --> 00:07:49,572 "I wish… I wish I could dive for rings." 205 00:07:49,655 --> 00:07:53,034 Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. 206 00:07:54,535 --> 00:07:56,662 Um, I was just thinking of this impression. 207 00:07:58,206 --> 00:07:59,332 Who am I doing? 208 00:08:02,168 --> 00:08:03,878 - Who am I doing? - Al Pacino? 209 00:08:04,295 --> 00:08:06,923 Maybe. So, then, 210 00:08:07,006 --> 00:08:09,092 you get home, you eat some pizza… 211 00:08:09,383 --> 00:08:11,969 Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility 212 00:08:12,053 --> 00:08:14,597 of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad. 213 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,682 Ooh. Wow. 214 00:08:16,766 --> 00:08:20,144 This is a big party. I'm talking wall-to-wall cops. 215 00:08:20,353 --> 00:08:21,771 Man. 216 00:08:26,484 --> 00:08:28,236 Oh, I did not think this through. 217 00:08:31,114 --> 00:08:32,698 It just hit me. 218 00:08:34,575 --> 00:08:35,993 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, 219 00:08:36,077 --> 00:08:37,453 - hey, hey, hey, hey. - Be cool. 220 00:08:37,578 --> 00:08:39,997 And that is why, no matter how tricked out it is, 221 00:08:40,081 --> 00:08:41,582 you never get into a van. 222 00:08:41,666 --> 00:08:43,876 - "No van." - Okay. Moving on. 223 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,086 Classic warning signs. 224 00:08:45,169 --> 00:08:46,546 Now, last night, the crazy man 225 00:08:46,629 --> 00:08:48,506 said he needed to meet you near his house. 226 00:08:48,589 --> 00:08:50,091 What he was really saying was, 227 00:08:50,174 --> 00:08:51,801 "I expect tonight to end in sex." 228 00:08:52,093 --> 00:08:54,595 Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets. 229 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:56,848 Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet 230 00:08:56,931 --> 00:09:00,143 for a man to have is a saltwater fish. Okay, what now? 231 00:09:00,226 --> 00:09:01,954 Okay, first test. Now, I'm gonna say something, 232 00:09:01,978 --> 00:09:04,689 and you tell me what's really being said. 233 00:09:04,856 --> 00:09:07,108 Oh, you know, I'm just staying in a hotel right now. 234 00:09:07,525 --> 00:09:08,651 "I like to travel." 235 00:09:08,734 --> 00:09:10,945 Homeless. Pervert. 236 00:09:11,571 --> 00:09:14,198 Oh, my God, my mom is just the most amazing woman. 237 00:09:14,782 --> 00:09:16,909 Oh. "I love my mother." 238 00:09:16,993 --> 00:09:19,412 Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. 239 00:09:19,871 --> 00:09:22,123 I kind of prefer public transportation. 240 00:09:22,707 --> 00:09:23,791 Oh. Earth-conscious. 241 00:09:23,875 --> 00:09:25,668 Multiple DUIs. 242 00:09:26,836 --> 00:09:27,837 Pervert. 243 00:09:28,588 --> 00:09:29,964 Okay, time for the next phase. 244 00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:31,340 - Next phase? - Jess? 245 00:09:31,924 --> 00:09:35,678 - Hi. I'm Malcolm. From Dice? - Oh… Oh. 246 00:09:35,762 --> 00:09:37,513 - Hi. - Hey. 247 00:09:38,389 --> 00:09:39,783 She'll be with you in just a minute. 248 00:09:39,807 --> 00:09:41,058 Okay. 249 00:09:41,476 --> 00:09:44,437 You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my lounge-around underwear. 250 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,772 I set you up on 10 dates. 251 00:09:45,855 --> 00:09:47,541 - What? - Ten years of experience in one day. 252 00:09:47,565 --> 00:09:48,608 Expert by midnight. 253 00:09:48,691 --> 00:09:49,984 The Dice Diez. 254 00:09:50,401 --> 00:09:51,986 "Diez" is Spanish for 10. 255 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:53,905 Are you insane, Schmidt? I'm not ready. 256 00:09:53,988 --> 00:09:56,115 That's like taking a musical from rehearsals 257 00:09:56,199 --> 00:09:58,279 straight to Broadway. You got to workshop it first… 258 00:09:58,326 --> 00:09:59,786 If you are for one second suggesting 259 00:09:59,869 --> 00:10:01,180 that I don't know how to open a musical… 260 00:10:01,204 --> 00:10:03,122 How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here. 261 00:10:03,331 --> 00:10:04,999 Now, of course you're not ready, Jess. 262 00:10:05,416 --> 00:10:08,211 That's why I set up 10 dates. 263 00:10:08,294 --> 00:10:09,712 Now, you can do this. Come on. 264 00:10:10,505 --> 00:10:11,756 All right. 265 00:10:12,298 --> 00:10:14,217 - So… Date talk. - So. 266 00:10:14,383 --> 00:10:16,177 - Okay. - What do you do? 267 00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:18,846 Um, well, I don't have a job, currently, right now, 268 00:10:18,930 --> 00:10:21,057 in the traditional "nine to five" sense, 269 00:10:21,140 --> 00:10:23,434 but, uh, I got a lot cooking. 270 00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:26,979 I "grow"raisins." 271 00:10:29,690 --> 00:10:31,442 I'm sorry, Malcolm, um, 272 00:10:31,526 --> 00:10:33,528 I'm gonna have to… 273 00:10:35,029 --> 00:10:36,030 Get out of there. 274 00:10:36,114 --> 00:10:37,865 Let you finish that story. 275 00:10:38,199 --> 00:10:41,077 Oh, okay. I grow two types of raisins. 276 00:10:41,369 --> 00:10:43,246 There's the Leopold raisin, 277 00:10:43,329 --> 00:10:44,598 - which is from Austria. - Mmm-hmm. 278 00:10:44,622 --> 00:10:46,707 And then there's the Zwiebel raisin, 279 00:10:46,791 --> 00:10:48,167 which is also from Austria. 280 00:10:50,795 --> 00:10:54,173 But I think the main thing that got me through my time in prison 281 00:10:54,257 --> 00:10:57,135 was the realization that a "raisin" can be anything. 282 00:10:57,218 --> 00:10:58,302 We got to go! 283 00:10:58,386 --> 00:11:00,179 Ma called. The bees are back. 284 00:11:00,263 --> 00:11:01,681 Ma called. The bees are back. 285 00:11:01,764 --> 00:11:03,266 Oh, okay. Um… 286 00:11:03,349 --> 00:11:05,017 Should I just… Should I wait for you? 287 00:11:05,476 --> 00:11:06,978 You know that was a bad date, right? 288 00:11:07,353 --> 00:11:09,230 I know, but I just felt so trapped. 289 00:11:09,313 --> 00:11:11,774 Just do what I did, make up an excuse and then leave. 290 00:11:12,024 --> 00:11:13,904 Just… just say as little as you need to, okay? 291 00:11:13,985 --> 00:11:14,986 Make it your own. 292 00:11:15,153 --> 00:11:16,154 - You ready? - Yeah. 293 00:11:16,237 --> 00:11:17,405 - You can do this. - Okay. 294 00:11:17,488 --> 00:11:18,823 - You have so much hair. - What? 295 00:11:18,906 --> 00:11:20,968 Where did all that hair come from? You're like a lioness. 296 00:11:20,992 --> 00:11:22,618 So, did you know you could put 297 00:11:22,702 --> 00:11:24,996 a whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it 298 00:11:25,079 --> 00:11:27,707 without plucking it or preparing it at all? 299 00:11:29,375 --> 00:11:30,710 Keep it simple. 300 00:11:30,793 --> 00:11:31,836 Uh, let's keep it simple. 301 00:11:31,919 --> 00:11:32,920 You're a nice guy, 302 00:11:33,004 --> 00:11:34,547 and that's a neat outfit. 303 00:11:34,630 --> 00:11:36,382 Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? 304 00:11:36,466 --> 00:11:37,467 Are… Do you work on 305 00:11:37,550 --> 00:11:38,843 - on a submarine? - Shh. 306 00:11:38,926 --> 00:11:39,969 No! No! 307 00:11:40,052 --> 00:11:41,554 - Oh. - Stand down, sir! 308 00:11:41,637 --> 00:11:43,514 We found your son. He's alive. 309 00:11:43,681 --> 00:11:45,349 They found my son. He's alive. 310 00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:47,643 I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you. 311 00:11:47,894 --> 00:11:49,187 All right, now, remember, 312 00:11:49,270 --> 00:11:50,354 y'all are my dogs, okay? 313 00:11:50,438 --> 00:11:51,522 So just stay by my side 314 00:11:51,606 --> 00:11:52,857 and make me look cool. 315 00:11:52,940 --> 00:11:55,777 If I tell a joke, dogs got to bark. 316 00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:58,196 I want to see those tails wagging out there, okay? 317 00:11:58,988 --> 00:11:59,989 Oh, okay, look. 318 00:12:00,072 --> 00:12:01,467 Look, there's Dugan. There's Dugan. 319 00:12:01,491 --> 00:12:04,243 That's the guy I was telling you about. Come on. 320 00:12:04,869 --> 00:12:06,287 Over there is better. 321 00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:07,413 All right. 322 00:12:07,497 --> 00:12:09,499 - What? - Whatever the hell that means. 323 00:12:09,582 --> 00:12:11,584 Is there a cop in the house? 324 00:12:11,751 --> 00:12:14,212 I feel really calm. Really relaxed. 325 00:12:14,378 --> 00:12:16,732 - Oh, look, a hummingbird. - What the hell are you talking about? 326 00:12:16,756 --> 00:12:18,800 There's no such thing as a hummingbird. 327 00:12:18,883 --> 00:12:19,884 Birds don't hum. 328 00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:20,968 They sing. 329 00:12:21,052 --> 00:12:22,970 They basically invented singing. 330 00:12:23,054 --> 00:12:24,430 You're so high right now, man. 331 00:12:24,514 --> 00:12:26,714 You're so high, I couldn't possibly even bring you back. 332 00:12:26,766 --> 00:12:28,810 Actually, dude, I feel really good. 333 00:12:28,893 --> 00:12:30,269 Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, 334 00:12:30,353 --> 00:12:31,729 you look like an insane person. 335 00:12:31,979 --> 00:12:35,817 Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy. 336 00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:36,901 Say something. 337 00:12:37,652 --> 00:12:40,238 Hello, Nick. 338 00:12:40,321 --> 00:12:42,281 That took you, like, 20 minutes. 339 00:12:42,406 --> 00:12:44,283 "Hello, Nick." 340 00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:46,786 And now I'm a model and a bartender. 341 00:12:47,453 --> 00:12:48,496 But I… 342 00:12:48,579 --> 00:12:50,957 I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. 343 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,042 I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing with my life. 344 00:12:54,210 --> 00:12:55,253 I'm so sorry. 345 00:12:55,336 --> 00:12:56,587 What was your question again? 346 00:12:56,754 --> 00:12:58,256 I didn't ask you anything. 347 00:12:58,339 --> 00:13:00,716 You just walked up and started talking. 348 00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:02,301 So, man, I'm in the locker room, 349 00:13:02,385 --> 00:13:03,886 and I see a spider, and I'm like, 350 00:13:03,970 --> 00:13:05,263 "I hope this is Charlotte's Web" 351 00:13:05,346 --> 00:13:06,514 "and you're nice." 352 00:13:09,642 --> 00:13:10,962 You haven't seen Charlotte's Web? 353 00:13:11,018 --> 00:13:12,687 Charlotte's Web, the, uh, cartoon. 354 00:13:12,770 --> 00:13:15,356 The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. 355 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,525 Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. 356 00:13:17,608 --> 00:13:18,693 So that was sad. 357 00:13:18,776 --> 00:13:20,963 That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. 358 00:13:20,987 --> 00:13:22,339 I'm sure you… You haven't seen it. 359 00:13:22,363 --> 00:13:25,324 Where are my dogs? 360 00:13:26,033 --> 00:13:28,119 I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, 361 00:13:28,286 --> 00:13:30,663 because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. 362 00:13:30,747 --> 00:13:32,290 Here, take a look at those. 363 00:13:32,457 --> 00:13:33,958 I've got hockey practice? 364 00:13:34,041 --> 00:13:36,169 - Sure. - My boss is trying to contact me 365 00:13:36,252 --> 00:13:38,337 about a project that could save the company. 366 00:13:38,421 --> 00:13:39,422 - Mmm-hmm. - Schmidt, 367 00:13:39,505 --> 00:13:40,858 these are such obvious rejections. 368 00:13:40,882 --> 00:13:43,110 - I don't want to hurt their feelings. - Hurt their feel… 369 00:13:43,134 --> 00:13:44,552 Do you just walk around all day 370 00:13:44,635 --> 00:13:45,946 thinking about other people's feelings? 371 00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:47,722 - Yeah. Don't you? - No. 372 00:13:48,431 --> 00:13:49,591 How do you get anything done? 373 00:13:49,891 --> 00:13:51,434 - It's hard. - Okay, Jess, 374 00:13:51,517 --> 00:13:53,394 how can I put this? 375 00:13:54,812 --> 00:13:56,189 You're the prize here. 376 00:13:56,689 --> 00:13:58,232 Okay? 377 00:13:58,316 --> 00:14:00,693 You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys 378 00:14:00,777 --> 00:14:02,137 are the fat kids in the cafeteria, 379 00:14:02,195 --> 00:14:04,339 and I can say that because I used to be fat as a truck. 380 00:14:04,363 --> 00:14:06,043 You really think I'm the last piece of pie? 381 00:14:06,115 --> 00:14:08,284 Damn right you're the last piece of pie. 382 00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:10,286 You're the best girl on Dice, Jess. 383 00:14:10,369 --> 00:14:12,455 And who cares what these guys are feeling? 384 00:14:12,538 --> 00:14:14,290 You know, what do you feel? 385 00:14:14,624 --> 00:14:16,501 Jess, what do you want? 386 00:14:16,793 --> 00:14:17,794 I'm the pie. 387 00:14:17,877 --> 00:14:19,337 - You're the pie. - I'm the pie. 388 00:14:19,420 --> 00:14:20,838 - Say it again. - I'm the pie. 389 00:14:20,922 --> 00:14:22,215 - Say it again. - I'm the pie. 390 00:14:22,298 --> 00:14:23,800 There you go. 391 00:14:23,925 --> 00:14:24,967 Who are you? 392 00:14:26,094 --> 00:14:27,512 Never really thought about that. 393 00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:28,638 Mmm. 394 00:14:28,721 --> 00:14:30,098 I'm not gay, 395 00:14:30,181 --> 00:14:33,559 but I would go crazy on Michael Strahan. 396 00:14:33,851 --> 00:14:37,939 A prominent U.S. senator is trying to contact me. 397 00:14:40,274 --> 00:14:42,652 You know, I just think Meryl Streep is a dumb bitch. 398 00:14:43,027 --> 00:14:45,446 An important document has gone missing. 399 00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:47,281 I need to find it. 400 00:14:48,699 --> 00:14:50,993 I've been getting into a lot of fist fights lately. 401 00:14:51,077 --> 00:14:52,286 Like, a lot. 402 00:14:52,370 --> 00:14:53,579 More than usual. 403 00:14:53,871 --> 00:14:55,206 But, you know, 404 00:14:55,289 --> 00:14:56,707 I'm kind of enjoying them now. 405 00:14:56,791 --> 00:14:59,085 I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy. 406 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:04,841 Jess? 407 00:15:04,924 --> 00:15:07,176 Nope, not Jess. 408 00:15:08,428 --> 00:15:10,304 Velcro shoes, pervert. 409 00:15:11,472 --> 00:15:13,474 I didn't even see those. 410 00:15:14,976 --> 00:15:17,437 I would love for you to share 411 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,814 share 412 00:15:19,897 --> 00:15:21,941 what you think I should do with my life. 413 00:15:24,694 --> 00:15:26,612 Am I boring you now? 414 00:15:26,696 --> 00:15:28,573 Officer, can I read you your rights? 415 00:15:30,158 --> 00:15:33,077 You have the right to remain hugged. 416 00:15:33,161 --> 00:15:34,454 Come here, Dugan. 417 00:15:34,537 --> 00:15:36,080 Oh, no, Coach! 418 00:15:36,372 --> 00:15:37,915 And you have the right to remain sweet. 419 00:15:40,042 --> 00:15:41,043 Run! Diversion! 420 00:15:41,127 --> 00:15:43,254 - Run! Run! Now! Now! - Uh, dude… Whoa. Hold on! 421 00:15:44,255 --> 00:15:46,132 What's with your friends, Winston Bishop? 422 00:15:46,215 --> 00:15:48,468 They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way. 423 00:15:48,551 --> 00:15:49,677 Yeah… I know. 424 00:15:51,012 --> 00:15:53,639 Wow. Last date. 425 00:15:53,723 --> 00:15:54,724 It's a big moment. 426 00:15:55,141 --> 00:15:57,727 Oh, my God, is that who I think it is? 427 00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:59,771 I give you Dreamy-Eyes Jacob. 428 00:16:00,271 --> 00:16:02,148 Happy Dice birthday, Jess. 429 00:16:02,231 --> 00:16:04,317 You're ready for this. Now, go get him. 430 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,693 Thank you, sir. 431 00:16:06,861 --> 00:16:08,070 Wait a minute. 432 00:16:08,196 --> 00:16:10,323 Are you from Portland? The Jolly Cow Creamery. 433 00:16:10,406 --> 00:16:12,092 Yeah, I used to work there summers in high school. 434 00:16:12,116 --> 00:16:14,368 - No way. I'm from Portland, too. - Are you serious? 435 00:16:14,452 --> 00:16:16,430 Yes. I used to go there all the time in high school. 436 00:16:16,454 --> 00:16:17,872 - Oh, my God. - That's so funny. 437 00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:23,503 Yeah, I hope you like this place. 438 00:16:23,586 --> 00:16:25,306 I live, like, right across the street, so… 439 00:16:28,049 --> 00:16:30,009 Oh. I get it. 440 00:16:31,052 --> 00:16:32,512 You asked me here because 441 00:16:32,595 --> 00:16:34,847 - you want me to go home with you. - Wait. What? 442 00:16:35,056 --> 00:16:36,724 No. Um, you know what? I got to go. 443 00:16:36,808 --> 00:16:37,809 I have hockey practice. 444 00:16:37,892 --> 00:16:40,012 - I'm center wing, so they really need me. - I… Wow. 445 00:16:40,353 --> 00:16:42,480 Okay, I just live across the street. 446 00:16:42,563 --> 00:16:45,691 I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment. 447 00:16:45,817 --> 00:16:47,527 I thought we were kind of hitting it off. 448 00:16:47,944 --> 00:16:49,529 Guess you just make a snap decision, 449 00:16:49,612 --> 00:16:51,405 and then that's it, so… 450 00:16:51,489 --> 00:16:53,783 All right, well, have a good practice. 451 00:16:54,158 --> 00:16:58,162 And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey. 452 00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:04,794 The Dice Diez! You did it! 453 00:17:05,837 --> 00:17:07,422 This thing is on! 454 00:17:07,505 --> 00:17:09,006 How do you open it? 455 00:17:09,549 --> 00:17:12,301 Oh, wow. This isn't even champagne. 456 00:17:12,385 --> 00:17:14,262 Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing. 457 00:17:14,345 --> 00:17:16,013 That is delightful. 458 00:17:19,851 --> 00:17:22,645 We are celebrating, me and you. Jess, you can have whatever 459 00:17:22,728 --> 00:17:25,731 you want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, 460 00:17:25,815 --> 00:17:27,150 tikka masala. 461 00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:29,902 A raw bar. This place is doing too much. 462 00:17:29,986 --> 00:17:32,005 They can't be doing all this right. What's wrong with you? 463 00:17:32,029 --> 00:17:33,322 I just don't understand how 464 00:17:33,406 --> 00:17:35,616 what we did today is gonna help me find love. 465 00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:36,993 Love? 466 00:17:37,076 --> 00:17:38,786 Well, why would you want to fall in love? 467 00:17:38,995 --> 00:17:40,496 Why else would I go on dates? 468 00:17:40,580 --> 00:17:43,583 The point of dating is just to keep on dating, 469 00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:45,168 and then never stop. 470 00:17:45,251 --> 00:17:47,331 It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. 471 00:17:47,378 --> 00:17:49,964 No. Schmidt, the whole point 472 00:17:50,047 --> 00:17:53,217 of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship. 473 00:17:53,426 --> 00:17:55,928 Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? 474 00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:59,348 I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, 475 00:17:59,432 --> 00:18:03,394 and some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know. 476 00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:05,313 Do you want to go through life that way? 477 00:18:07,607 --> 00:18:08,733 Yeah. 478 00:18:09,275 --> 00:18:10,526 I don't. 479 00:18:17,533 --> 00:18:19,827 Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um 480 00:18:19,911 --> 00:18:21,788 the rock shrimp meatballs. 481 00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:23,623 What is this place? 482 00:18:26,084 --> 00:18:28,294 I think my life is going nowhere. 483 00:18:28,377 --> 00:18:29,504 - Oh. - Mmm. 484 00:18:29,587 --> 00:18:31,631 No, Cece. It's wonderful here. 485 00:18:31,756 --> 00:18:32,840 Do you like to learn? 486 00:18:33,674 --> 00:18:35,968 - I do. - I see you going back to school. 487 00:18:36,719 --> 00:18:38,971 - I see it, too. - Yes, yes. 488 00:18:39,055 --> 00:18:41,015 - I don't see it. - Yes. 489 00:18:41,432 --> 00:18:43,272 She's a bartender. How is she gonna pay for it? 490 00:18:43,309 --> 00:18:44,519 She's not very good at it. 491 00:18:53,694 --> 00:18:54,987 - On the floor! - Shut up! 492 00:18:58,950 --> 00:18:59,992 Get the dog! 493 00:19:00,076 --> 00:19:02,745 - Get down on the ground! - Yeah, and stay down! 494 00:19:02,829 --> 00:19:04,455 I'm a student! 495 00:19:04,622 --> 00:19:06,332 - Both of you, butts up. - I'm trying. 496 00:19:06,457 --> 00:19:07,792 I'm trying. 497 00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:13,840 See, I see you guys were high, 498 00:19:13,923 --> 00:19:15,723 so I got these guys to come and mess with you. 499 00:19:19,387 --> 00:19:20,471 Let's go, man. 500 00:19:20,555 --> 00:19:22,640 Let's never do drugs again. 501 00:19:22,807 --> 00:19:24,851 That was a lot of fun… Toilet. 502 00:19:25,393 --> 00:19:27,061 "Toilet." Is that… is that my nickname? 503 00:19:27,145 --> 00:19:28,729 Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, 504 00:19:28,813 --> 00:19:31,691 - you got to put up with a lot of crap. - Lot of crap. 505 00:19:31,774 --> 00:19:32,775 Let's get a beer. 506 00:19:33,985 --> 00:19:36,195 Thank you very much. 507 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,615 Flush, flush, what's the rush? Toilet's coming! 508 00:19:39,699 --> 00:19:40,759 You guys want to go back in? 509 00:19:40,783 --> 00:19:42,285 - Yeah. - Yeah. 510 00:19:43,870 --> 00:19:45,872 - Thanks for coming back. - Sure. 511 00:19:45,955 --> 00:19:48,332 Look, I'm… I'm really sorry. 512 00:19:48,416 --> 00:19:50,543 Um, I was… I don't know where to begin. 513 00:19:50,626 --> 00:19:52,545 Uh, my roommate taught me all of these 514 00:19:52,628 --> 00:19:54,672 phony excuses to get out of dates. 515 00:19:54,756 --> 00:19:57,884 - Wow. - Anyway, that is not me. 516 00:19:58,384 --> 00:19:59,719 - Okay. - So 517 00:20:00,136 --> 00:20:02,263 will you give me another chance to get to know you? 518 00:20:02,346 --> 00:20:03,514 Yeah. 519 00:20:04,056 --> 00:20:06,601 - Let's go back in and get a drink. - Yes. Great. 520 00:20:06,684 --> 00:20:10,229 Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear. 521 00:20:10,772 --> 00:20:13,232 Like… this coin. 522 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:20,615 Oh. 523 00:20:21,365 --> 00:20:22,658 You're a magician. 524 00:20:22,742 --> 00:20:24,118 No. Ugh. No. 525 00:20:24,786 --> 00:20:26,162 I'm a comedy magician. 526 00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:28,873 Even better. 527 00:20:28,956 --> 00:20:30,541 And, like a lot of people in comedy, 528 00:20:30,666 --> 00:20:33,961 I have a little problem with, uh… nose candy. 529 00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:35,838 Uh-oh. 530 00:20:38,966 --> 00:20:40,194 Can't have this. It's my last one. 531 00:20:40,218 --> 00:20:42,261 - No… - I'm kidding. Take it. 532 00:20:42,345 --> 00:20:43,447 - I don't want it. - Please take it. 533 00:20:43,471 --> 00:20:44,514 No, you take it. 534 00:20:44,597 --> 00:20:46,265 Okay. Let's go in. 535 00:20:48,392 --> 00:20:49,852 Schmidt? 536 00:20:50,645 --> 00:20:52,730 I totally didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. 537 00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:55,274 Well, you know, I just figured, 538 00:20:55,358 --> 00:20:57,485 why not see if there's something here? 539 00:20:57,568 --> 00:20:59,254 You know, let's hang out, get to know each other. 540 00:20:59,278 --> 00:21:01,114 There's a coffee place down the street. 541 00:21:01,197 --> 00:21:04,742 Maybe we could go… grab a cup of joe. 542 00:21:05,910 --> 00:21:07,662 I don't think you understand Dice. 543 00:21:09,455 --> 00:21:10,665 Okay. 544 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,669 Jessica! 545 00:21:16,045 --> 00:21:17,797 I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, 546 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,340 and these are stuck. 547 00:21:23,052 --> 00:21:24,470 Now the rings are free, 548 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,764 but the groom is imprisoned forever. 549 00:21:28,099 --> 00:21:30,059 - I know how he feels. - You know what they say. 550 00:21:30,184 --> 00:21:32,478 You got to crack a few eggs to, uh 551 00:21:32,562 --> 00:21:34,147 make an Amish. 552 00:21:35,606 --> 00:21:36,732 It's an egg. 553 00:21:36,816 --> 00:21:38,401 It's an Amish person. 554 00:21:38,776 --> 00:21:40,945 My uncle is on fire. 555 00:21:41,028 --> 00:21:43,197 So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, 556 00:21:43,281 --> 00:21:46,784 but have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? 557 00:21:48,161 --> 00:21:49,746 No, no! 558 00:21:49,829 --> 00:21:52,081 Oh, my… Okay, this date is over.