1 00:00:22,099 --> 00:00:23,202 Cece went on a date last night? 2 00:00:23,226 --> 00:00:25,078 Schmidt, why don't you just read my text messages 3 00:00:25,102 --> 00:00:26,862 while I'm in the shower like you normally do? 4 00:00:26,896 --> 00:00:29,315 Our Cece has taken a lover? Good for him. 5 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:30,834 - Don't get weird, Schmidt. - I'm not being weird. 6 00:00:30,858 --> 00:00:32,109 I just said good for him. 7 00:00:32,193 --> 00:00:33,833 You know, I've camped in that forest, too. 8 00:00:33,861 --> 00:00:35,581 The babbling brook, the beautiful mountains, 9 00:00:35,655 --> 00:00:37,633 little secret trailway that's only open seasonally, 10 00:00:37,657 --> 00:00:39,885 and when it is, let me tell you something, bring a camera. 11 00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:42,161 - Cool, not weird at all. - Good, you're all here. 12 00:00:42,245 --> 00:00:43,788 I just got a tip from my buddy Dugan. 13 00:00:43,871 --> 00:00:47,375 My academy background check is today and I need everybody's help. 14 00:00:47,458 --> 00:00:49,710 Can't do it, bro. Going to the outlet mall today. 15 00:00:49,794 --> 00:00:51,063 - What? - I'm gonna look like a rich person 16 00:00:51,087 --> 00:00:52,481 - from three years ago. - Can't… You can't go 17 00:00:52,505 --> 00:00:53,565 to the outlet mall today. Not today. 18 00:00:53,589 --> 00:00:54,733 Yeah, you can't go to the outlet mall today. 19 00:00:54,757 --> 00:00:56,801 - Why? - It's a weekend. What are you, crazy? 20 00:00:56,884 --> 00:00:58,111 - Unless you got a game plan. - I have a game plan. 21 00:00:58,135 --> 00:00:59,321 Grab a quick smoothie, power up. 22 00:00:59,345 --> 00:01:01,931 Do my leg stores first. Pants, socks, shoes. 23 00:01:02,014 --> 00:01:04,809 Hats and accessories last, then one sweet treat for the road. 24 00:01:04,892 --> 00:01:06,185 Most likely a cinnamon pretzel. 25 00:01:06,269 --> 00:01:08,187 - I'm in. - That sounds like a tight afternoon. 26 00:01:08,271 --> 00:01:09,498 - I'm in for sure. - What the hell, dude? 27 00:01:09,522 --> 00:01:10,707 I do want to be part of the pretzel. 28 00:01:10,731 --> 00:01:13,025 This is my life. If I don't pass the background check, 29 00:01:13,109 --> 00:01:14,461 then I fail out of the police academy. 30 00:01:14,485 --> 00:01:16,904 Guys, this is an all-hands-on-deck situation. 31 00:01:16,988 --> 00:01:18,322 If we don't help him, Winston 32 00:01:18,406 --> 00:01:19,866 will never become a cop. Remember? 33 00:01:19,949 --> 00:01:21,909 He… he handcuffed his cat's paw 34 00:01:21,993 --> 00:01:24,620 to a radiator and then lost the key. 35 00:01:24,704 --> 00:01:26,831 In my defense, I was making a Christmas card, so… 36 00:01:26,914 --> 00:01:29,417 Okay, you know what? I'm gonna cancel my plans with Cece. 37 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,419 I'll find out about her date with Paul later. 38 00:01:31,502 --> 00:01:34,964 A ridiculous name. Oh, hey, my name is Puh-ha… Pau… 39 00:01:35,047 --> 00:01:36,149 I don't even know how to pronounce that. 40 00:01:36,173 --> 00:01:37,442 - It's Paul. - I'll take that Paul, 41 00:01:37,466 --> 00:01:38,694 I'll take him to a water park, I will. 42 00:01:38,718 --> 00:01:40,887 I'll put him on one of those waterslides between 43 00:01:40,970 --> 00:01:42,739 two obese people and he'll get smushed to death. 44 00:01:42,763 --> 00:01:45,349 Die in a… Die in a water… He'll die between 45 00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:47,273 the obese people before he drowns in the water. 46 00:01:47,351 --> 00:01:48,352 - What? - Hmm? 47 00:01:48,436 --> 00:01:50,789 Schmidt, that is exactly the kind of talk we can't have today 48 00:01:50,813 --> 00:01:52,064 when the LAPD comes here. 49 00:01:52,773 --> 00:01:55,234 Um… the, uh, cops are coming here? 50 00:01:55,318 --> 00:01:56,485 - Yes. - Like, here, here? 51 00:01:56,569 --> 00:01:57,987 - Yes. - Like, to our home, 52 00:01:58,070 --> 00:01:59,280 where we keep our stuff? 53 00:01:59,363 --> 00:02:00,907 Why can't we just go there? 54 00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,010 We'll just go there, answer some questions, get an ice coffee 55 00:02:03,034 --> 00:02:05,036 on the way back. I really feel like ice coffee. 56 00:02:05,119 --> 00:02:07,496 It's a home visit, Jess. And not just from any cop. 57 00:02:07,580 --> 00:02:09,916 It's from Sergeant Tess Dorado. The Fish. 58 00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,799 I'm pretty sure they call her The Fish because 59 00:02:11,834 --> 00:02:13,377 she's tough but fair, 60 00:02:13,461 --> 00:02:16,881 - just like most fish I've interacted with. - Winston, "dorado" is a fish. 61 00:02:16,964 --> 00:02:19,342 It's a subset of mahi-mahi and it pairs very nicely 62 00:02:19,425 --> 00:02:20,551 with citrus, you oaf. 63 00:02:20,635 --> 00:02:22,053 I'm not a oaf, you're a oaf, stupid. 64 00:02:22,136 --> 00:02:23,596 So… You're dumb. Shut up. 65 00:02:23,679 --> 00:02:26,599 Also, put on some underpants, please. It's like a bounce house down there. 66 00:02:26,849 --> 00:02:29,077 Do you guys think that the cops are gonna go through our stuff? 67 00:02:29,101 --> 00:02:31,621 What are you afraid of? They'll look through your dream journal? 68 00:02:31,687 --> 00:02:32,998 - No, I just… - What, are you running 69 00:02:33,022 --> 00:02:34,875 a sweatshop back there for skirts that look like curtains? 70 00:02:34,899 --> 00:02:36,251 - Actually… - What'd you, steal a kiss 71 00:02:36,275 --> 00:02:38,402 and hide it in an envelope? 72 00:02:38,486 --> 00:02:40,071 I have a bag of meth in my closet. 73 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,792 Oh, I know it's in here somewhere… 74 00:02:52,875 --> 00:02:54,919 Oh, oh, ooh. These are my "bad decision" hats. 75 00:02:55,002 --> 00:02:56,921 - Bad decision, right? - How do you not know 76 00:02:57,004 --> 00:02:58,607 - where a bag of meth is? - Find it and get rid of it. 77 00:02:58,631 --> 00:03:00,692 - Find it, get rid of it. - Jess, why do you have meth 78 00:03:00,716 --> 00:03:01,717 in your closet? 79 00:03:01,801 --> 00:03:03,445 Do you remember that day when I was trying to convince you guys 80 00:03:03,469 --> 00:03:06,549 to come with me to that waffle restaurant in the Antelope Valley that I found? 81 00:03:06,597 --> 00:03:08,659 And you were like, "That's way too far to go for waffles." 82 00:03:08,683 --> 00:03:12,144 Turns out you were right. How good can a waffle really be? 83 00:03:12,228 --> 00:03:13,831 - That's the question I answered that… - Tell us the story faster. 84 00:03:13,855 --> 00:03:15,165 - Your waffle story sucks. - Where is the bag of 85 00:03:15,189 --> 00:03:16,333 crystal methamphetamine, you dummy? 86 00:03:16,357 --> 00:03:18,651 Okay, fine. Do you see that footstool? 87 00:03:18,776 --> 00:03:19,936 I bought it at a garage sale. 88 00:03:19,986 --> 00:03:21,320 Turns out the top opens up 89 00:03:21,404 --> 00:03:22,989 and when I opened up the top, 90 00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,740 I found… Here it is. 91 00:03:25,950 --> 00:03:27,201 This. 92 00:03:28,411 --> 00:03:30,788 Holy frickin' what? 93 00:03:31,038 --> 00:03:32,456 Aah! 94 00:03:32,540 --> 00:03:34,417 - Oh, hey. How do I look? - Terrible. 95 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:35,668 - Not for me. - Like crap. 96 00:03:35,751 --> 00:03:37,336 - Go change. - I don't like any of it. 97 00:03:37,420 --> 00:03:39,964 Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. 98 00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:43,384 You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later. 99 00:03:43,509 --> 00:03:46,846 - All right. - Okay, Winston cannot find out about this. 100 00:03:46,929 --> 00:03:48,657 Because if he doesn't know, he can't get in trouble, 101 00:03:48,681 --> 00:03:51,184 and he's probably already failing out of the academy as it is. 102 00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:54,145 Also, why are you keeping this in your closet? 103 00:03:54,228 --> 00:03:55,831 What am I supposed to do, notify the authorities? 104 00:03:55,855 --> 00:03:58,175 I'm sorry, Officer, I found this bag of meth in a footstool 105 00:03:58,232 --> 00:04:00,276 I bought at a garage sale. Uh, no. 106 00:04:00,359 --> 00:04:02,296 My closet is safe. The only person who goes in there 107 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,198 is me when I'm naked and/or sad. 108 00:04:05,281 --> 00:04:07,491 Hey. Much better, right? 109 00:04:07,742 --> 00:04:09,994 I found it on the lawn. 110 00:04:10,077 --> 00:04:11,495 And that's the whole story. 111 00:04:11,579 --> 00:04:13,873 So, you guys ready? She's on her way. 112 00:04:13,956 --> 00:04:16,083 Why don't you go wait for her downstairs? 113 00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:18,044 Don't make her buzz up like a shawarma boy. 114 00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:19,212 Good idea, good idea. 115 00:04:19,295 --> 00:04:20,689 This way, I get to tell her my sidewalk joke. 116 00:04:20,713 --> 00:04:22,233 You remember the sidewalk joke, right? 117 00:04:22,298 --> 00:04:23,507 There's a man on the… 118 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:25,700 How's it… There's a man on the… 119 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,470 Oh, you know, okay… 120 00:04:27,762 --> 00:04:29,055 Everybody just calm down. 121 00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,991 Especially you, Nick, you're already sopping wet. 122 00:04:31,015 --> 00:04:33,059 Lying makes me sweat. I can't lie. 123 00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:35,394 It's why I don't play poker or talk to pregnant ladies. 124 00:04:35,478 --> 00:04:37,480 No one has to lie. I'm just going to get rid of it. 125 00:04:37,563 --> 00:04:39,649 I'm gonna call Cece. 126 00:04:39,732 --> 00:04:40,900 She knows about this stuff. 127 00:04:40,983 --> 00:04:42,443 She lived one summer in Milan 128 00:04:42,527 --> 00:04:43,945 with a guy named Crystal Randy. 129 00:04:44,028 --> 00:04:45,380 - Ask her about the date. - Hey, Cece, 130 00:04:45,404 --> 00:04:46,531 quick question. How does one 131 00:04:46,614 --> 00:04:48,241 get rid of a bag of meth? Call me back. 132 00:04:48,324 --> 00:04:49,551 - Ask her if Paul is taller than me. - Stop it. 133 00:04:49,575 --> 00:04:51,160 - Did she surrender her virtue? - Hey. 134 00:04:51,244 --> 00:04:52,721 - Throw it in the trash. - I can't see it. 135 00:04:52,745 --> 00:04:54,473 I can't see where it goes, 'cause then when she comes in here, 136 00:04:54,497 --> 00:04:56,141 I'll just yell "trash!" I'll yell "trash!" 137 00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:57,565 Cover your ears and sing Landslide. 138 00:04:57,625 --> 00:04:59,895 - Let's call Cece again. - Took my love and I took it down. 139 00:04:59,919 --> 00:05:01,230 We need to get this back in my closet… 140 00:05:01,254 --> 00:05:02,314 I could see your lips moving. 141 00:05:02,338 --> 00:05:04,024 - Well, close your eyes. - Throw it out the window, okay? 142 00:05:04,048 --> 00:05:05,192 I'll sneak down there, I'll toss it 143 00:05:05,216 --> 00:05:06,342 in the dumpster. Here. 144 00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:08,177 - Oh! - Oh, my God! 145 00:05:08,261 --> 00:05:09,321 - What the heck, Jess? - I throw like a boy! 146 00:05:09,345 --> 00:05:10,697 - I've always thrown like a boy! - You almost hit me in the face! 147 00:05:10,721 --> 00:05:11,782 - What are you, nuts? - Overhand? 148 00:05:11,806 --> 00:05:12,926 Oh, well, Winston's a goner. 149 00:05:15,852 --> 00:05:18,479 You know, this building used to be a biscuit factory. 150 00:05:18,563 --> 00:05:20,815 And apparently, the mice have not been told 151 00:05:20,898 --> 00:05:22,358 it's gone residential. 152 00:05:22,441 --> 00:05:23,943 Was that a joke? 153 00:05:24,026 --> 00:05:25,444 I hate jokes. 154 00:05:26,821 --> 00:05:28,507 - Of changing Oh, my God, oh, my God. 155 00:05:28,531 --> 00:05:30,408 We just have to hide this. 156 00:05:30,491 --> 00:05:31,659 Throw it in here. 157 00:05:32,535 --> 00:05:34,662 - Come on! - I was bringing it to you! 158 00:05:34,745 --> 00:05:37,081 Why does everybody keep asking me to throw stuff? 159 00:05:37,164 --> 00:05:38,332 Work on your aim! 160 00:05:38,416 --> 00:05:40,477 - This is actually a really good song. - Nick, stop singing! 161 00:05:40,501 --> 00:05:41,603 - Where are we gonna put this? - Put it in the baggie! 162 00:05:41,627 --> 00:05:43,170 Fun Saturday? 163 00:05:43,254 --> 00:05:44,714 No. My bird died. 164 00:05:46,841 --> 00:05:50,219 Well, my mom used to say when a bird dies, 165 00:05:50,303 --> 00:05:52,513 he gets another set of wings in heaven, so… 166 00:05:52,597 --> 00:05:55,057 Well, that bird was going straight to hell. 167 00:05:59,562 --> 00:06:01,355 Welcome to our home. 168 00:06:06,110 --> 00:06:08,988 I will ask you questions. You will ask me no questions. 169 00:06:09,071 --> 00:06:10,531 In pursuit of that, 170 00:06:10,615 --> 00:06:12,992 I will offer up three personal facts. 171 00:06:13,075 --> 00:06:14,327 I was born in St. Louis, 172 00:06:14,535 --> 00:06:16,287 I have three brothers, two of whom 173 00:06:16,370 --> 00:06:18,998 were killed in separate plane crashes, and… 174 00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,541 I like music. 175 00:06:20,625 --> 00:06:22,126 Good? Good. 176 00:06:22,210 --> 00:06:23,252 Now, let's get started… 177 00:06:23,336 --> 00:06:24,754 My name is Nick. 178 00:06:25,171 --> 00:06:26,297 Nicholas Miller? 179 00:06:26,547 --> 00:06:28,007 I… I don't… I don't know. 180 00:06:29,175 --> 00:06:30,485 He's just messing around with you. 181 00:06:30,509 --> 00:06:31,612 He's our resident clown here. 182 00:06:31,636 --> 00:06:32,720 Let's keep this simple. 183 00:06:32,803 --> 00:06:34,972 I need to be home in time to feed my bird. 184 00:06:35,723 --> 00:06:36,849 Oh, God. 185 00:06:38,726 --> 00:06:40,478 Uh, green grape? Would you like… 186 00:06:41,103 --> 00:06:42,772 No, thanks. I already had my grapes. 187 00:06:42,855 --> 00:06:44,148 Jess! 188 00:06:44,232 --> 00:06:45,274 I got your message. 189 00:06:45,650 --> 00:06:48,361 Where's the freaking… 190 00:06:51,989 --> 00:06:53,616 Play along, or Jess goes to jail. 191 00:06:53,699 --> 00:06:55,243 - What are you doing? - Hey. 192 00:06:55,326 --> 00:06:57,036 Look, it's my girlfriend Cece. 193 00:06:57,119 --> 00:06:58,847 - What's up, Cece? - Ah, it's his girlfriend Cece. 194 00:06:58,871 --> 00:07:01,290 Girlfriend? Oh, my goodness, you guys are back together? 195 00:07:01,374 --> 00:07:02,667 - No, uh… - Yeah. 196 00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:03,810 Like I always say, you can't put 197 00:07:03,834 --> 00:07:05,229 peanut butter and jelly on the same shelf 198 00:07:05,253 --> 00:07:06,754 and expect 'em not to mix. 199 00:07:06,837 --> 00:07:08,381 'Cause somebody got to eat a sandwich. 200 00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:10,049 - It's exciting. - Yeah, no. 201 00:07:10,216 --> 00:07:11,759 Moving on. Miss Day, 202 00:07:11,842 --> 00:07:13,511 in your own words, please state 203 00:07:13,594 --> 00:07:15,346 why Cadet Bishop would be an asset 204 00:07:15,429 --> 00:07:16,824 to the Los Angeles Police Department. 205 00:07:16,848 --> 00:07:19,475 A few kind words. Known me for a long time. 206 00:07:19,559 --> 00:07:21,310 - Yeah. Oh! - It's your boy Winnie the Bish. 207 00:07:21,394 --> 00:07:23,688 I have to go to the bathroom. 208 00:07:26,274 --> 00:07:28,484 If you guys will excuse me for just one second. 209 00:07:28,568 --> 00:07:30,027 Okay. 210 00:07:30,653 --> 00:07:33,239 Will somebody answer the question so I can write it 211 00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:35,408 on the form and we can get on with our lives? 212 00:07:35,533 --> 00:07:37,702 Why would Bishop make a good police officer? 213 00:07:37,785 --> 00:07:40,204 - Mustache. - I'm sorry? 214 00:07:40,371 --> 00:07:42,123 Because, uh, Winston has a mustache. 215 00:07:42,206 --> 00:07:44,542 And, uh, police officers all have mustaches. 216 00:07:44,625 --> 00:07:46,210 No, they don't. Not the ladies. 217 00:07:46,294 --> 00:07:47,712 Unless the ladies want to. 218 00:07:47,795 --> 00:07:49,380 Why can't a lady have a mustache? 219 00:07:49,463 --> 00:07:51,465 She can. And it would look sexy. 220 00:07:51,549 --> 00:07:53,068 Would you like a green grape shoved in your… 221 00:07:53,092 --> 00:07:55,178 Given to your mouth? Handed to your mouth? 222 00:07:55,261 --> 00:07:57,805 I'm asking a simple question, 223 00:07:57,889 --> 00:08:00,516 unless you don't think he would be an asset to the LAPD. 224 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,619 - No, he… he would. He definitely would. - Yeah, he would. 225 00:08:02,643 --> 00:08:05,354 You know, Winston has done plenty for, uh, 226 00:08:05,438 --> 00:08:08,566 the, um… community. 227 00:08:08,649 --> 00:08:11,068 He has a little brother at the Boys & Girls Club. 228 00:08:11,152 --> 00:08:12,862 Of course. All the work that Winston does 229 00:08:12,945 --> 00:08:15,174 with the Boys & Girls Club that he actually does in real life. 230 00:08:15,198 --> 00:08:17,438 - So much work at the Boys & Girls Club. - So passionate. 231 00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:18,802 What was his little brother's name again? 232 00:08:18,826 --> 00:08:20,536 - Duke. - Juan. 233 00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:22,246 Duquan is his name. 234 00:08:22,330 --> 00:08:23,831 - Duquan. - Duquan. 235 00:08:23,915 --> 00:08:25,499 And I'm Nick Miller. 236 00:08:25,583 --> 00:08:27,293 Hey, let me ask you… um… 237 00:08:28,044 --> 00:08:29,545 - Hmm? - Breasts. 238 00:08:29,629 --> 00:08:31,339 - It's my cycle. - Already? 239 00:08:31,422 --> 00:08:34,091 Damn, girl. My calendar is way off on you. 240 00:08:34,175 --> 00:08:36,052 You must be, what, like, 10 days early? 241 00:08:36,135 --> 00:08:38,971 Aw, Winston. Someday you're gonna make some lucky girl 242 00:08:39,055 --> 00:08:40,848 really uncomfortable. Can you go get Cece 243 00:08:40,932 --> 00:08:42,367 and tell her to meet me in the bathroom? 244 00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:44,894 Sure. And, girl, uh, you ain't got a cycle. 245 00:08:44,977 --> 00:08:46,270 You got a roller coaster. 246 00:08:46,354 --> 00:08:48,272 - Don't I know it, girl? - Mmm-hmm. 247 00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:51,943 Duquan Feldman? 248 00:08:52,652 --> 00:08:54,820 I'm gonna make a note to call the Boys & Girls Club. 249 00:08:54,904 --> 00:08:56,405 - No! - Why not? 250 00:08:56,489 --> 00:08:58,366 Uh, because he's coming here. 251 00:08:58,616 --> 00:09:00,993 Why would… why would Duquan come here? 252 00:09:01,077 --> 00:09:02,471 Because he comes here every Saturday. 253 00:09:02,495 --> 00:09:03,871 - He does? - Then where is he? 254 00:09:04,288 --> 00:09:06,791 - Huh? - It's Saturday. Where is he? 255 00:09:06,874 --> 00:09:08,393 He's at the bus station. He's waiting for, uh, 256 00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:11,087 one of us to get him, and, uh… 257 00:09:11,712 --> 00:09:13,839 You know what? I'll go do it. You guys stay put. 258 00:09:13,923 --> 00:09:15,841 You're gonna go and get Duquan? 259 00:09:16,551 --> 00:09:17,635 I think so. 260 00:09:19,345 --> 00:09:20,471 Yeah. 261 00:09:20,555 --> 00:09:21,848 You guys, anybody want to 262 00:09:21,931 --> 00:09:23,432 come… with? No? 263 00:09:33,860 --> 00:09:36,737 Where are you, Duquan? 264 00:09:36,988 --> 00:09:39,699 Hey. Cece, Jess needs some help with some lady stuff. 265 00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:40,992 Of course. You know how we do. 266 00:09:41,075 --> 00:09:42,076 Whoof… 267 00:09:42,159 --> 00:09:43,619 Gonna… 268 00:09:43,953 --> 00:09:45,621 - Must be a rough one. - You know what, 269 00:09:45,705 --> 00:09:47,248 I'm gonna have a look around. 270 00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:49,309 What a great… You know what, you should start 271 00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:51,335 with Nick and I's room. We share it. 272 00:09:51,419 --> 00:09:54,589 Hey, don't mind the condoms. We've been banging like rabbits. 273 00:09:54,672 --> 00:09:56,173 Not each other. 274 00:09:57,008 --> 00:09:58,259 What are you doing? 275 00:09:59,051 --> 00:10:00,529 Jessica. No, Jessica! What are you doing? 276 00:10:00,553 --> 00:10:02,680 You do not put drugs down the shower drain. 277 00:10:02,763 --> 00:10:04,324 Have you never seen a drug movie before? 278 00:10:04,348 --> 00:10:06,767 - I don't know. I saw Ray. - That does not count. 279 00:10:06,851 --> 00:10:09,645 I might have ruined Winston's chances of being a cop. 280 00:10:09,729 --> 00:10:11,147 Well, we can cry about that later. 281 00:10:11,230 --> 00:10:13,917 We are gonna take the drugs now and we're gonna go flush 'em, all right? 282 00:10:13,941 --> 00:10:16,336 What are you doing? Come on. Help me. Pick up the drugs, Jess. 283 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,005 I think that the meth entered my bloodstream 284 00:10:18,029 --> 00:10:19,464 - through my boob skin. - That is not a thing. 285 00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:20,823 That's not how drugs work. 286 00:10:20,907 --> 00:10:23,826 I'm the one on meth! Don't tell me how drugs work! 287 00:10:24,285 --> 00:10:25,494 Okay. 288 00:10:30,249 --> 00:10:31,459 Oh, my God. 289 00:10:36,839 --> 00:10:39,759 - Could you open this trunk? - Oh, I'll do more than open it. 290 00:10:40,384 --> 00:10:41,636 I don't know why I said that. 291 00:10:42,678 --> 00:10:44,055 I'm gonna open the trunk. 292 00:10:45,181 --> 00:10:46,641 I think I'm having a heart attack. 293 00:10:46,724 --> 00:10:48,809 What are you… Oh, my God. 294 00:10:49,143 --> 00:10:51,103 You're a mess. Here. 295 00:10:51,187 --> 00:10:53,147 - Cover up. Cover… - No, I'm not putting that… 296 00:10:53,189 --> 00:10:55,584 I'm not putting on your kimono. It legitimizes you owning it. 297 00:10:55,608 --> 00:10:56,609 - Put it on. - Okay. 298 00:10:57,276 --> 00:11:00,029 - I'm wearing a kimono. - I see that. Why? 299 00:11:00,196 --> 00:11:02,591 Why? Why is he still wearing pants? That's the real question. 300 00:11:02,615 --> 00:11:04,575 What's all that going on out there? 301 00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:07,078 I'm on drugs. 302 00:11:07,745 --> 00:11:09,747 I'm on drugs… 303 00:11:11,374 --> 00:11:12,416 Oh. 304 00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:15,336 What's all that clanging? 305 00:11:15,419 --> 00:11:16,879 Uh, just a bunch of clanging. 306 00:11:17,088 --> 00:11:18,548 Well, there's feminine issues… 307 00:11:18,631 --> 00:11:20,800 It's probably the ladies playing with their jewelry. 308 00:11:20,883 --> 00:11:22,820 - Their brooches. - You know how… Brooches. Of course. 309 00:11:22,844 --> 00:11:24,303 Nick makes a very good point. 310 00:11:24,387 --> 00:11:26,347 I'm gonna go check on that right now, actually. 311 00:11:26,430 --> 00:11:27,515 Uh, Winston, 312 00:11:27,598 --> 00:11:29,409 why don't you show the good sergeant Jess' room? 313 00:11:29,433 --> 00:11:30,560 What? What a great idea. 314 00:11:30,643 --> 00:11:33,062 Oh, I've had intercourse in there. You'll be excited to… 315 00:11:36,357 --> 00:11:38,544 - I think I'm gonna take off, too. - Nick, what is going on out there? 316 00:11:38,568 --> 00:11:40,128 - What's going on out there? - No, I'm asking you what's going on. 317 00:11:40,152 --> 00:11:41,737 - Hmm? - What's going on? 318 00:11:49,453 --> 00:11:50,955 It's gonna be okay. 319 00:11:51,038 --> 00:11:52,832 Hey, what happened to the "turlet"? 320 00:11:52,915 --> 00:11:54,792 Schmidt, you're here. So we're in a little bit 321 00:11:54,876 --> 00:11:56,562 of a thing right now, but you're our best cleaner. 322 00:11:56,586 --> 00:11:58,856 We might be out of towels, but you'll figure out something. 323 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,673 Right? It's gonna be fun. 324 00:12:00,756 --> 00:12:03,318 - Jess, are you crying right now? - I don't know. I hadn't noticed. Um… 325 00:12:03,342 --> 00:12:05,428 I might be on drugs. 326 00:12:05,511 --> 00:12:07,447 You gonna help mop or are you just gonna try to kiss me again? 327 00:12:07,471 --> 00:12:09,950 Oh, please. You kissed me back. Your… I felt your lips surrender. 328 00:12:09,974 --> 00:12:11,559 And who's this Paul anyway? Paul. 329 00:12:11,642 --> 00:12:13,036 - What, does he work in a pizzeria? - Yes, Schmidt, 330 00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:15,021 I went on a date with a guy named Paul. 331 00:12:15,104 --> 00:12:17,815 - You just need to get over it. - Paul. Paul. Nice name, dude. 332 00:12:17,899 --> 00:12:20,002 - Why is your shirt off? - I've seen New Jack City, okay? 333 00:12:20,026 --> 00:12:21,879 They all take their shirts off in the crack cocaine lab! 334 00:12:21,903 --> 00:12:23,112 Ah, it won't go down! 335 00:12:23,196 --> 00:12:25,198 Hats off to the hillbilly that made this meth. 336 00:12:25,281 --> 00:12:26,282 Meth? 337 00:12:27,158 --> 00:12:28,201 What meth? 338 00:12:28,868 --> 00:12:29,994 This meth. 339 00:12:30,077 --> 00:12:32,413 It's… legal meth. 340 00:12:32,496 --> 00:12:34,415 It's… medical meth. 341 00:12:34,498 --> 00:12:36,834 For my… cramps. 342 00:12:38,586 --> 00:12:41,130 Wait a minute. Who's with Nick? 343 00:12:44,217 --> 00:12:46,761 I took my love and I took it down 344 00:12:46,844 --> 00:12:50,014 I drove around and I hit a pound. 345 00:12:50,097 --> 00:12:53,476 And I saw all the puppies with their. 346 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:55,353 Eyes so blind… 347 00:12:57,730 --> 00:13:00,417 - Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! - Sergeant Dorado, don't listen to him! 348 00:13:00,441 --> 00:13:01,442 He's deranged! 349 00:13:01,859 --> 00:13:03,361 I'm gonna talk to this man alone. 350 00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:05,655 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 351 00:13:05,947 --> 00:13:07,615 - That is not good. - No. 352 00:13:09,116 --> 00:13:10,201 So, this Paul… 353 00:13:11,410 --> 00:13:12,850 I've never seen someone sweat so much 354 00:13:12,912 --> 00:13:15,831 in my life. It looks like your body is crying. 355 00:13:15,915 --> 00:13:17,208 What are you hiding? 356 00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:19,377 Distraction! 357 00:13:20,044 --> 00:13:22,547 Okay. You're a tough cookie. 358 00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:24,048 And that's the last thing I'll say. 359 00:13:24,131 --> 00:13:25,234 - Look… - Okay, you want the truth? 360 00:13:25,258 --> 00:13:28,135 I'll tell you everything. When I was 13 years old, 361 00:13:28,219 --> 00:13:31,180 I once made love to myself behind a post office. 362 00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:34,892 Oh. 363 00:13:35,685 --> 00:13:36,686 Hey! 364 00:13:36,769 --> 00:13:38,646 Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! 365 00:13:38,729 --> 00:13:40,940 Yo! What's up? You in the shorts. 366 00:13:41,023 --> 00:13:43,109 Hey, come here, man. Come here. I need a little boy. 367 00:13:43,234 --> 00:13:45,903 Whoa. No. That's not what I meant. No, no, no. 368 00:13:45,987 --> 00:13:47,506 I didn't mean… You know what I'm… Ah. 369 00:13:47,530 --> 00:13:49,156 I wasn't trying to… 370 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,158 It's for my friend, you know? 371 00:13:51,242 --> 00:13:54,161 I need you to come over to, uh, hang out with my friends. 372 00:13:54,245 --> 00:13:57,290 No, not like that. I just need you to pretend 373 00:13:57,373 --> 00:13:58,875 like, uh, you're in a relationship 374 00:13:58,958 --> 00:14:02,753 with this grown man that I know. Ah! Ah! Uh, I did not 375 00:14:02,837 --> 00:14:04,273 think this through. Did not think this through. 376 00:14:04,297 --> 00:14:05,923 Um, bad decision. Very bad decision. 377 00:14:06,048 --> 00:14:08,259 I'm gonna go now. Don't remember my face. 378 00:14:08,342 --> 00:14:10,178 Forget this face. This didn't happen. 379 00:14:10,261 --> 00:14:11,888 What is wrong with the name Paul, okay? 380 00:14:11,971 --> 00:14:13,806 Paul is a normal name. He is a normal guy. 381 00:14:14,015 --> 00:14:15,766 That is the problem, okay? 382 00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:17,250 You shouldn't be with a normal guy. 383 00:14:19,353 --> 00:14:20,605 All right, okay. 384 00:14:20,688 --> 00:14:23,191 It was Mark-Paul Gosselaar. 385 00:14:23,274 --> 00:14:26,444 What? You… you were… you were with Zack Morris? 386 00:14:26,611 --> 00:14:27,612 Mmm-hmm. 387 00:14:28,779 --> 00:14:32,241 Guy's a frigging god. I mean, all right. I've… I surrender. 388 00:14:33,034 --> 00:14:34,660 That's awes… Can I come to the wedding? 389 00:14:34,827 --> 00:14:36,662 You think Slater and Screech 390 00:14:36,746 --> 00:14:38,015 - are gonna be there? - I'm kidding. 391 00:14:38,039 --> 00:14:40,082 I just wanted to see you freak out. 392 00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:42,543 You really had me going there for a second. 393 00:14:42,627 --> 00:14:44,337 It works every time with you. 394 00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:46,088 It's amazing. Now… 395 00:14:46,172 --> 00:14:49,342 There was a real second there where I had bad feelings 396 00:14:49,425 --> 00:14:50,927 towards Mark-Paul Gosselaar, 397 00:14:51,010 --> 00:14:53,304 and I didn't like any moment of that. 398 00:14:53,387 --> 00:14:56,182 How dare you. Don't ever do that to me again. 399 00:14:56,265 --> 00:14:57,600 When I was nine years old, 400 00:14:57,683 --> 00:14:59,852 I fed cereal flakes to a frog, and it died. 401 00:15:00,186 --> 00:15:02,355 Then I went into a period of time 402 00:15:02,438 --> 00:15:04,357 where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals. 403 00:15:05,107 --> 00:15:07,419 Squirrels can live through it, chipmunks can live through it. 404 00:15:07,443 --> 00:15:09,213 Anything that lives half in and out of water dies, 405 00:15:09,237 --> 00:15:10,780 and I don't understand why. 406 00:15:11,072 --> 00:15:13,366 When I was 10, I once walked by my mother sleeping, 407 00:15:13,449 --> 00:15:15,910 and I snuck in the room, and I put a lemon in her mouth. 408 00:15:15,993 --> 00:15:19,580 When I was 11, I once tried on my girl cousin's wool tights, 409 00:15:19,664 --> 00:15:21,916 and I didn't hate the way it felt! 410 00:15:21,999 --> 00:15:23,060 Why are you telling me this? 411 00:15:23,084 --> 00:15:24,924 Because you said you wanted to hear everything! 412 00:15:25,002 --> 00:15:27,171 My 16th year, I never got an erection. 413 00:15:27,630 --> 00:15:29,298 I thought they were done. 414 00:15:29,382 --> 00:15:31,175 I thought my penis was dead. 415 00:15:31,676 --> 00:15:32,677 It wasn't. 416 00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:34,387 It's fine, Winston. We can fix this. 417 00:15:34,470 --> 00:15:36,055 Just help me mule this crank. 418 00:15:36,138 --> 00:15:37,682 I'll prepare, you mule. 419 00:15:37,765 --> 00:15:39,559 I can't mule crank. I don't have the system. 420 00:15:39,809 --> 00:15:42,228 It's the perfect plan. I don't think it is. 421 00:15:42,395 --> 00:15:43,997 Jess, do you know how much time we could get 422 00:15:44,021 --> 00:15:46,774 for possessing this much meth? Why'd you hide it from me? 423 00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,025 I was trying to protect you. 424 00:15:48,109 --> 00:15:49,670 I should've been the first person you told! 425 00:15:49,694 --> 00:15:51,863 I could've taken care of it, or something. 426 00:15:51,946 --> 00:15:53,465 - Now it just looks like we're hiding it. - I just… 427 00:15:53,489 --> 00:15:55,809 I didn't… I didn't think there was anything you could do. 428 00:15:56,784 --> 00:15:58,077 And… and why is that? 429 00:16:00,079 --> 00:16:02,206 Because… I don't know! 430 00:16:02,331 --> 00:16:04,500 Because you don't see me as a cop. None of you do. 431 00:16:06,294 --> 00:16:09,088 I didn't… I didn't think you'd make it this far. 432 00:16:09,171 --> 00:16:10,923 We always thought you'd change your mind. 433 00:16:11,090 --> 00:16:12,383 I mean 434 00:16:12,466 --> 00:16:15,094 you say a prayer every time you get on a escalator. 435 00:16:15,178 --> 00:16:16,762 - Why risk it? - I just 436 00:16:17,722 --> 00:16:21,809 never really saw you as a… as a cop. 437 00:16:22,852 --> 00:16:23,978 Sorry. 438 00:16:24,979 --> 00:16:26,522 Oh, there it is. 439 00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,445 Okay. Okay. 440 00:16:32,528 --> 00:16:34,947 You know what? I know exactly what I have to do. 441 00:16:35,281 --> 00:16:37,491 - I'm gonna tell her it's mine. - What? No. No. 442 00:16:37,575 --> 00:16:39,202 Yes. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a cop. 443 00:16:41,204 --> 00:16:43,084 There's no reason you should lose your job, too. 444 00:16:45,499 --> 00:16:47,668 I once changed a sign that said "Happy Jewish New Year" 445 00:16:47,752 --> 00:16:49,462 to "Happy Newish Jew Year." 446 00:16:49,545 --> 00:16:51,881 - Is that a hate crime? - Stop talking, stop sweating. 447 00:16:51,964 --> 00:16:54,759 What is wrong with you people? Enough! 448 00:16:54,842 --> 00:16:56,552 Sarge, I have something I need to tell you. 449 00:16:56,677 --> 00:16:58,596 Wait! Sergeant! 450 00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:01,098 My name is Jessica Day, 451 00:17:01,182 --> 00:17:03,226 - and this is my meth. - What? 452 00:17:03,309 --> 00:17:04,977 Jess, No. I won't accept that. So… 453 00:17:05,061 --> 00:17:07,271 The bathroom is covered in meth. 454 00:17:07,355 --> 00:17:10,107 Meth that belongs to me. 455 00:17:10,483 --> 00:17:12,693 And it may have intoxicated me 456 00:17:12,777 --> 00:17:15,821 through the skin on my breasts. 457 00:17:15,905 --> 00:17:18,991 But I assure you, no one here had 458 00:17:19,075 --> 00:17:21,619 any prior knowledge of any of this. 459 00:17:21,702 --> 00:17:23,371 Especially Winston. 460 00:17:24,372 --> 00:17:26,624 And I don't want him to go down for my mistake. 461 00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:29,460 You'd be lucky to have him as a cop. 462 00:17:31,045 --> 00:17:34,382 Take me downtown to the all-lady fur factory. 463 00:17:35,466 --> 00:17:38,010 Okay, cuff me. 464 00:17:38,302 --> 00:17:40,263 Somebody bring me handcuffs. I'm guilty. 465 00:17:40,346 --> 00:17:41,347 Is she cuffing me? 466 00:17:41,430 --> 00:17:42,932 I can't see what's going on up there. 467 00:17:43,099 --> 00:17:44,433 Do you feel anything? 468 00:17:44,517 --> 00:17:46,227 Does meth make you feel, like, normal, 469 00:17:46,310 --> 00:17:49,856 but, like… like your face feels, like, scratchy? 470 00:17:50,314 --> 00:17:53,150 Oh, no, that's just the carpet on my face. 471 00:17:55,778 --> 00:17:57,321 Here's the way this is gonna go down. 472 00:17:57,446 --> 00:17:59,949 I'm gonna go in the bathroom, have a look around. 473 00:18:00,157 --> 00:18:01,617 You will stay here. 474 00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:03,244 You will not move, 475 00:18:03,327 --> 00:18:04,996 you will not talk, 476 00:18:05,079 --> 00:18:06,247 you will not think 477 00:18:06,330 --> 00:18:09,709 unless they're thoughts about not moving. 478 00:18:13,337 --> 00:18:15,673 Winston, I'm so sorry. 479 00:18:15,756 --> 00:18:17,383 I ruined everything. 480 00:18:18,551 --> 00:18:20,178 You would have been such a good cop. 481 00:18:20,261 --> 00:18:21,738 You would have made someone really lucky 482 00:18:21,762 --> 00:18:23,055 to have you as a partner. 483 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:26,142 I always imagined I'd have a partner named Robertson. 484 00:18:26,225 --> 00:18:27,810 - That would have been perfect. - Yeah. 485 00:18:27,894 --> 00:18:30,062 "Robertson, you're on the edge! 486 00:18:30,146 --> 00:18:31,981 - "You've gone too far!" - No, no, no. 487 00:18:32,064 --> 00:18:34,126 See, the thing about me and Robertson is that we're tight. 488 00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:36,652 You know, then I went ahead and slept with his wife. 489 00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:38,172 - Why would you do that? - I don't know why I would do that. 490 00:18:38,196 --> 00:18:39,322 The job really gets to you. 491 00:18:39,405 --> 00:18:40,465 You know, it's stressful out there. 492 00:18:40,489 --> 00:18:43,159 This might not be the right moment but, 493 00:18:43,576 --> 00:18:46,287 for what it's worth, I did it. 494 00:18:46,370 --> 00:18:48,956 - I kept a secret. - Well, congratulations, Nick. 495 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,434 You have the willpower of a six-year-old. 496 00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:52,001 Oh, thank you. 497 00:18:53,377 --> 00:18:54,688 I'm sorry about the whole kissing thing. 498 00:18:54,712 --> 00:18:56,422 Oh, you don't have to apologize. 499 00:18:57,089 --> 00:19:00,676 I did… kiss you back a little. 500 00:19:01,552 --> 00:19:03,846 So, should we tell Paul together? 501 00:19:03,930 --> 00:19:05,806 - Oh. - What do you think he's doing right now? 502 00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:07,409 Do you think he's explaining to the air-brusher 503 00:19:07,433 --> 00:19:09,393 that that really is his name? Paul? 504 00:19:09,477 --> 00:19:12,563 And that he wants that painted across the back of his denim jacket? 505 00:19:12,688 --> 00:19:13,773 It's a normal name. 506 00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:15,733 Hey, Nick? 507 00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:21,489 When I'm in prison, write, dance, sing 508 00:19:21,989 --> 00:19:23,533 live your life. 509 00:19:24,534 --> 00:19:26,202 And if you come and visit me in jail, 510 00:19:26,827 --> 00:19:28,162 please don't wear that robe. 511 00:19:28,246 --> 00:19:29,413 It's a kimono. 512 00:19:29,705 --> 00:19:31,624 Well, this is a first. 513 00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:34,627 These are aquarium rocks. 514 00:19:34,710 --> 00:19:36,128 So, that's the street name for… 515 00:19:36,254 --> 00:19:38,714 No. These are actual aquarium rocks. 516 00:19:38,798 --> 00:19:40,967 You were trying to flush rocks down your toilet. 517 00:19:41,050 --> 00:19:42,510 - Oh, what? - Oh. 518 00:19:42,593 --> 00:19:43,594 Oh, that's ridiculous. 519 00:19:43,678 --> 00:19:45,847 - That's great! - Yes! Awesome! 520 00:19:45,930 --> 00:19:47,090 So we're not going to prison? 521 00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,660 So, did Winston pass the background check? 522 00:19:49,684 --> 00:19:51,894 Of course. He's one of our best cadets. 523 00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:57,233 His test scores are high, he's passionate, hardworking. 524 00:19:57,316 --> 00:19:59,235 He's gonna make one hell of a cop. 525 00:20:00,403 --> 00:20:02,029 But he won't work in narcotics. 526 00:20:02,154 --> 00:20:03,614 You get to be a cop! 527 00:20:03,698 --> 00:20:04,866 Yay! 528 00:20:06,284 --> 00:20:07,636 Congrat… congrat… Congratulate… 529 00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:09,137 Really? No, we're celebrating Winston. 530 00:20:09,161 --> 00:20:11,723 - Celebrating Winston. Okay. - All right, we'll celebrate Winston. 531 00:20:11,747 --> 00:20:13,332 - Oh. - Yeah. 532 00:20:13,499 --> 00:20:15,668 Excuse me. Please consider moving. 533 00:20:16,085 --> 00:20:18,796 I have no idea why you live with these people. 534 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,591 What kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket? 535 00:20:21,674 --> 00:20:24,385 I… I thought it would make lightning. 536 00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:26,113 - I told you that wouldn't work, Nick. - Hey! 537 00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:29,515 Guess who's here like he normally is every Saturday! 538 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,018 It's Duquan! 539 00:20:32,101 --> 00:20:33,477 Big brother Wimstons. 540 00:20:35,021 --> 00:20:36,022 Oh. 541 00:20:36,689 --> 00:20:40,610 I love you, Mr. Wimstons. I go from no hope to hope. 542 00:20:40,693 --> 00:20:44,238 He take me and he says to me, "You're gonna be somebody." 543 00:20:44,322 --> 00:20:46,407 "You… you could be the presidents," 544 00:20:46,490 --> 00:20:48,409 "or Statues of Liberties." 545 00:20:48,492 --> 00:20:50,578 - Is that right? - We make homework togethers. 546 00:20:50,661 --> 00:20:53,247 He buys me toys, and we chase each others, 547 00:20:53,331 --> 00:20:54,749 and we laugh at the sun. 548 00:21:01,714 --> 00:21:03,216 - This feels good, man. - Yeah. 549 00:21:03,633 --> 00:21:04,675 Like I got a new friend. 550 00:21:04,759 --> 00:21:06,135 - Me, too. - Duquan. 551 00:21:06,427 --> 00:21:07,845 - Right. - Hanging out. 552 00:21:08,804 --> 00:21:10,139 It's Jose, so… 553 00:21:10,223 --> 00:21:11,641 Yeah, I like Duquan, though. 554 00:21:11,849 --> 00:21:13,392 Yeah, but my name's Jose. 555 00:21:13,518 --> 00:21:14,644 Like outlet malls? 556 00:21:14,727 --> 00:21:16,330 - I love outlet malls. - Ah, me, too, man. 557 00:21:16,354 --> 00:21:17,647 - Yeah. - Yeah. That's awesome. 558 00:21:17,730 --> 00:21:19,065 On the weekend, though? Mmm. 559 00:21:19,148 --> 00:21:20,792 Yeah, but I mean, I have a strategy, you know. 560 00:21:20,816 --> 00:21:22,127 Like, I start out with a smoothie, 561 00:21:22,151 --> 00:21:23,431 and then do my leg stores first. 562 00:21:23,486 --> 00:21:25,797 - Then, I… Yeah. - I do the same, but I end it with pretzel. 563 00:21:25,821 --> 00:21:27,114 - Pretzel. I… - Shut up. 564 00:21:27,198 --> 00:21:28,991 - Cinnamon pretzel? - Oh, my God. 565 00:21:29,075 --> 00:21:31,452 - Dude, don't, don'. - No, you don't. 566 00:21:31,619 --> 00:21:32,662 - Don't. - No, you don't. 567 00:21:34,205 --> 00:21:35,456 You want to play a tickle game?