1
00:00:17,612 --> 00:00:19,545
Gentlemen, three months ago,

2
00:00:19,547 --> 00:00:21,147
I bravely re-entered
the dating pool.

3
00:00:21,149 --> 00:00:22,982
And how has this city
rewarded me?

4
00:00:22,984 --> 00:00:25,284
With an endless parade
of weirdo ass clowns.

5
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:27,186
Hard to say who was the worst.

6
00:00:27,188 --> 00:00:28,855
Comedy magician.
No, it's the guy
with the little ding-ding.

7
00:00:28,857 --> 00:00:30,990
The lion tamer.
Never went out
with a lion tamer.

8
00:00:30,992 --> 00:00:33,226
Then I am having
some vivid dreams.

9
00:00:33,228 --> 00:00:34,494
The point is,

10
00:00:34,496 --> 00:00:36,496
Ian has asked me out
on a third date.

11
00:00:36,498 --> 00:00:38,798
Ooh.
- And this is the biggest
compliment I could give:

12
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,666
I want to go.

13
00:00:40,668 --> 00:00:42,802
Because I like him.
Boo.

14
00:00:42,804 --> 00:00:44,804
That's not a reason.
And, frankly, it's been a while.

15
00:00:44,806 --> 00:00:46,172
And the third date is where

16
00:00:49,044 --> 00:00:51,711
Mama gets her biscuit.
I don't understand.

17
00:00:51,713 --> 00:00:53,379
It's sex.
Oh!

18
00:00:53,381 --> 00:00:54,881
Yeah!
- Now, that's a reason!

19
00:00:54,883 --> 00:00:56,149
Anyway, I'm bringing him
home tonight,

20
00:00:56,151 --> 00:00:58,151
so let's keep
those toilets flushed.

21
00:00:58,153 --> 00:01:01,020
That means stick around.
Take a second look.

22
00:01:01,022 --> 00:01:03,089
How'd you tell Ian about
the fun surprise that
you still live with your ex?

23
00:01:03,091 --> 00:01:04,223
All right.

24
00:01:04,225 --> 00:01:05,425
Well, I haven't told him yet.

25
00:01:05,427 --> 00:01:06,993
Uh, tricky conversation.

26
00:01:06,995 --> 00:01:08,895
I'm thinking
of something simple like,

27
00:01:08,897 --> 00:01:11,230
"Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."

28
00:01:11,232 --> 00:01:13,566
No. No, no. When a guy
hears that, he is going to

29
00:01:13,568 --> 00:01:15,401
run through the wall
like the Kool-Aid Man.

30
00:01:15,403 --> 00:01:17,737
Here's a fun idea. You can put
a hat on him with antlers.

31
00:01:17,739 --> 00:01:22,408
This way, the hole he makes in
the wall will make us all smile.

32
00:01:22,410 --> 00:01:23,910
Nick brings home girls
all the time.

33
00:01:23,912 --> 00:01:25,711
There's no problem.
No complaints here.

34
00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:27,447
It'll make you forget
every botanical garden

35
00:01:27,449 --> 00:01:28,915
you've ever seen.

36
00:01:28,917 --> 00:01:30,149
I live with my ex-girlfriend.

37
00:01:31,218 --> 00:01:33,019
And after the
farmer's market...

38
00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:34,353
I live with my ex.

39
00:01:35,255 --> 00:01:36,255
Let's have sex again.

40
00:01:36,257 --> 00:01:37,356
I live with my ex.

41
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,893
Damn it. Too quick.

42
00:01:40,895 --> 00:01:42,562
Hey, if you're looking
to scare somebody off,

43
00:01:42,564 --> 00:01:44,197
it's basically a gold mine.

44
00:01:44,199 --> 00:01:46,599
Nobody cares that we're exes
who live together.

45
00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:48,668
I got to go.

46
00:01:49,703 --> 00:01:51,604
Okay, that doesn't
prove anything.

47
00:01:51,606 --> 00:01:53,940
Just for the record, I'm leaving
'cause you live with your ex.

48
00:01:53,942 --> 00:01:56,109
It's gross.
And disgusting.

49
00:01:56,111 --> 00:01:58,411
And I'm gonna steal some stuff.

50
00:01:58,413 --> 00:01:59,779
Take what you want, honey.

51
00:01:59,781 --> 00:02:01,881
We don't read those anymore.

52
00:02:04,919 --> 00:02:08,321
Nick, who are these girls?

53
00:02:08,323 --> 00:02:10,223
They're not the best.

54
00:02:15,996 --> 00:02:19,232
Jess, guys hate
complicated situations.

55
00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:21,667
We want the path
of least resistance.

56
00:02:21,669 --> 00:02:24,270
There's a flap in our underwear
because we are too lazy

57
00:02:24,272 --> 00:02:25,938
to pull our underpants down.

58
00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:27,807
No offense, Nick, but...

59
00:02:27,809 --> 00:02:30,743
Ian's a little different from
you or the women you bring home.

60
00:02:30,745 --> 00:02:32,645
The... tavern folk.

61
00:02:32,647 --> 00:02:35,148
Have some respect.
They're called Uh-Ohs.

62
00:02:35,150 --> 00:02:38,117
And I've been through a lot
of names: Pork Pals,
- Mm-hmm.

63
00:02:38,119 --> 00:02:39,418
Okay.
- Bone Cronies,

64
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:41,154
Right.
- C-Plussy Hussies.

65
00:02:41,156 --> 00:02:41,854
Very reverent.
But "Uh-Oh"

66
00:02:41,856 --> 00:02:43,256
takes it off of them

67
00:02:43,258 --> 00:02:45,191
and back onto me
where it belongs.

68
00:02:45,193 --> 00:02:47,326
I made the mistake, not them.
They're great.

69
00:02:47,328 --> 00:02:49,295
You really are a prince
among men, Nick.

70
00:02:49,297 --> 00:02:51,197
Aw, that's awfully nice.
I feel like I'm maturing.

71
00:02:51,199 --> 00:02:52,665
All I'm saying is that, somehow,

72
00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:55,101
Ian is even more mature
than you are.

73
00:02:55,103 --> 00:02:57,003
And that's why I think
he'll understand

74
00:02:57,005 --> 00:03:00,439
when I tell him in a mature
adult way, I live with my ex,

75
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:01,874
but there's nothing
to worry about.

76
00:03:01,876 --> 00:03:04,110
Can I suggest a tweak?
Fine.

77
00:03:04,112 --> 00:03:05,878
"I live with my ex, but
there's nothing to worry about

78
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,280
because he's gay now."
No.

79
00:03:07,282 --> 00:03:09,182
"Because he has weeks to live."
No.

80
00:03:09,184 --> 00:03:11,284
"Because he's already dead."

81
00:03:11,286 --> 00:03:13,219
What?
- Then I'll act like a ghost.

82
00:03:13,221 --> 00:03:14,854
No.

83
00:03:14,856 --> 00:03:16,322
Consider it.

84
00:03:16,324 --> 00:03:19,058
No.
- Come on.

85
00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:20,726
That's the worst ghost
impression I've ever heard.

86
00:03:20,728 --> 00:03:22,695
This is the worst ghost
impression you've ever heard?

87
00:03:22,697 --> 00:03:24,997
I'm a ghost.

88
00:03:24,999 --> 00:03:27,533
There's way worse.

89
00:03:28,870 --> 00:03:30,736
Anything for me?

90
00:03:30,738 --> 00:03:32,705
Oh, no, this isn't our mail.
This is our neighbors' mail.

91
00:03:32,707 --> 00:03:34,707
You see, Viv likes it
alphabetized.

92
00:03:34,709 --> 00:03:37,877
Yet Michelle likes it
according to size.

93
00:03:37,879 --> 00:03:39,045
Hashtag "go figure," right?

94
00:03:39,047 --> 00:03:40,680
Hashtag "did you see
how I rhymed?"

95
00:03:40,682 --> 00:03:42,181
I want to choke you
until your eyes

96
00:03:42,183 --> 00:03:43,916
literally pop out
of your head.

97
00:03:43,918 --> 00:03:46,552
Those girls are not
going to sleep with you.

98
00:03:46,554 --> 00:03:49,855
They are hot. And nothing is
less hot than a male secretary.

99
00:03:52,393 --> 00:03:53,726
What?

100
00:03:53,728 --> 00:03:55,728
I think somebody needs
to take a good long look

101
00:03:55,730 --> 00:03:58,898
at Defense Secretary
Chuck Hagel.

102
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,566
Dude's eyes are so pouchy,

103
00:04:00,568 --> 00:04:03,402
he can barely see anything,
and he's still killing it.

104
00:04:03,404 --> 00:04:06,772
Girls don't have sex with
guys who sort their mail.

105
00:04:06,774 --> 00:04:09,709
Look, I am playing
the long game here, Coach,

106
00:04:09,711 --> 00:04:12,511
weaving myself into the
fabric of their lives.

107
00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:14,113
Pretty soon I'll
be as permanent

108
00:04:14,115 --> 00:04:17,183
as the will that I
helped them draw up.

109
00:04:17,185 --> 00:04:19,218
Oh, Winston, thank
God you're here.

110
00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:20,720
The toilet won't flush.

111
00:04:20,722 --> 00:04:21,754
Did you jiggle the handle?

112
00:04:21,756 --> 00:04:23,122
No, it's not
working for us.

113
00:04:23,124 --> 00:04:25,324
Here.
- Oh.

114
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,461
I'm not here to do any chores.

115
00:04:28,463 --> 00:04:30,229
You guys want
to hang out tonight?

116
00:04:30,231 --> 00:04:31,597
Sure.
- Sure.
- Right on.

117
00:04:31,599 --> 00:04:32,898
Right on. That's what's up.

118
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:35,735
Coach, I really need
my stilts and a plunger!

119
00:04:35,737 --> 00:04:38,237
Eh, I don't care.

120
00:04:38,239 --> 00:04:39,805
I'm happy
to lend you a bra,

121
00:04:39,807 --> 00:04:41,807
but I don't think I have
anything that would fit you.

122
00:04:41,809 --> 00:04:43,276
That's the Peter Pan.

123
00:04:43,278 --> 00:04:44,910
That'll smash 'em down good,

124
00:04:44,912 --> 00:04:46,145
but you'll never
get those in there.

125
00:04:46,147 --> 00:04:47,413
I know. I just wanted to see

126
00:04:47,415 --> 00:04:48,981
what it would feel like
to be your size.

127
00:04:48,983 --> 00:04:50,816
Are we doing, like,
a boob Freaky Friday?

128
00:04:50,818 --> 00:04:53,986
Because I don't want to lug
yours around. They're a load.

129
00:04:53,988 --> 00:04:55,888
I know. That's the whole point.
That's why all the women

130
00:04:55,890 --> 00:04:57,156
in my family have back trouble,
you know?

131
00:04:58,259 --> 00:04:59,959
So, now that I have
insurance, though,

132
00:04:59,961 --> 00:05:01,294
I was thinking
maybe I could have, like,

133
00:05:01,296 --> 00:05:02,662
breast reduction surgery.

134
00:05:02,664 --> 00:05:04,297
No!

135
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:09,135
I wonder who this is.

136
00:05:09,137 --> 00:05:11,003
What?

137
00:05:12,172 --> 00:05:13,639
It's a boob reduction, Schmidt.

138
00:05:13,641 --> 00:05:14,974
Just accept it.

139
00:05:14,976 --> 00:05:16,642
Acceptance is stage five.

140
00:05:16,644 --> 00:05:18,978
I'm grieving, Cece.
There are five stages of grief.

141
00:05:18,980 --> 00:05:20,913
Stage one was denial.

142
00:05:20,915 --> 00:05:22,281
This is not happening,
this is not happening.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

143
00:05:22,283 --> 00:05:23,349
You're not getting
a boob reduction.
Yes, I am.

144
00:05:23,351 --> 00:05:24,317
This is not happening.
Yes, it is.

145
00:05:24,319 --> 00:05:25,685
Stage two was anger.

146
00:05:25,687 --> 00:05:27,086
Your breasts belong
to all of us!

147
00:05:27,088 --> 00:05:28,321
Okay.

148
00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:29,455
Who are you to decide?

149
00:05:29,457 --> 00:05:31,257
Next will be stage
four, depression.

150
00:05:31,259 --> 00:05:32,925
And then stage
five, acceptance.

151
00:05:32,927 --> 00:05:35,428
But right now, I'm firmly
planted in stage three,

152
00:05:35,430 --> 00:05:36,829
bargaining.

153
00:05:36,831 --> 00:05:38,931
Dear God, if you stop
Cece's breast reduction,
- Okay.

154
00:05:38,933 --> 00:05:41,600
I'll circumcise Coach.
Whoa, Coach.

155
00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:43,369
Go out with them tonight?
Doesn't make any sense, man.

156
00:05:43,371 --> 00:05:45,438
And compromise
the long game? Ha.

157
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:47,440
Not until I replace their
rocker switches with dimmers.

158
00:05:47,442 --> 00:05:49,542
Forget your long game,
Winston! Getting a girl

159
00:05:49,544 --> 00:05:51,544
to have sex with you is
not about planning ahead.

160
00:05:51,546 --> 00:05:53,145
It is about seizing
opportunities

161
00:05:53,147 --> 00:05:55,514
that you never saw coming.
It is instinct.

162
00:05:55,516 --> 00:05:56,649
All right?
It is improv.

163
00:05:56,651 --> 00:05:58,050
It is jazz, man.

164
00:05:58,052 --> 00:06:00,486
But with words. You dig?
And the words are,

165
00:06:00,488 --> 00:06:02,188
"Oh, yeah, girl,
I'm about to..."

166
00:06:07,462 --> 00:06:09,462
Glen, my man,
tell me something good.

167
00:06:09,464 --> 00:06:11,063
And you better not be
trying to sell me

168
00:06:11,065 --> 00:06:13,165
some non-dimmable halogens,
you son of a...

169
00:06:13,167 --> 00:06:15,601
Where you at?
Are you kidding me?

170
00:06:18,072 --> 00:06:19,839
Hey, buddy.

171
00:06:19,841 --> 00:06:22,708
You know what you need to
surround yourself with tonight?

172
00:06:22,710 --> 00:06:25,544
Four new boobs.

173
00:06:27,881 --> 00:06:29,849
On two different women?

174
00:06:29,851 --> 00:06:31,183
You're damn right.

175
00:06:31,185 --> 00:06:32,852
Take me to them.

176
00:06:34,422 --> 00:06:37,189
Um, do you want to, like,
go find a bar, grab a drink?

177
00:06:37,191 --> 00:06:40,226
There's a bar that I like.

178
00:06:40,228 --> 00:06:43,229
It's called... my place.

179
00:06:43,231 --> 00:06:45,831
Great. Uh, is it...
You think it'll be crowded?

180
00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:47,600
You know I'm talking
about my house, right?

181
00:06:47,602 --> 00:06:49,201
Okay. Yeah, no, I wasn't...
I thought that was just

182
00:06:49,203 --> 00:06:50,903
a clever name, but now I do.
- No.

183
00:06:50,905 --> 00:06:53,005
And, yeah, let's go there.

184
00:06:55,542 --> 00:06:57,276
Um, one thing I want to,

185
00:06:57,278 --> 00:06:59,445
uh, disclose to you
in a very mature

186
00:06:59,447 --> 00:07:02,448
adult way, I...
live with my ex.

187
00:07:02,450 --> 00:07:05,418
Okay. Uh, yeah,
you live with your ex.
- Yeah.

188
00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:06,919
But also three other guys.

189
00:07:06,921 --> 00:07:08,587
It's more zany than sexy.

190
00:07:08,589 --> 00:07:10,923
Okay. So it, like,
wasn't really serious?

191
00:07:10,925 --> 00:07:12,525
Oh, it was very serious.

192
00:07:12,527 --> 00:07:14,193
Did you say "I love you"?

193
00:07:14,195 --> 00:07:16,395
Not until he said it.

194
00:07:16,397 --> 00:07:18,364
Uh, yeah, I don't think
I can do this.

195
00:07:18,366 --> 00:07:20,299
I'm sorry. I just...
- What?

196
00:07:20,301 --> 00:07:22,568
I've been on so many weird dates
lately. I'm just looking
No. Ian.

197
00:07:22,570 --> 00:07:23,969
for something easier. I...
No, Ian, Ian, Ian,

198
00:07:23,971 --> 00:07:26,038
Ian, Ian, look.

199
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,642
Yes, I live with my ex.

200
00:07:29,644 --> 00:07:32,278
But there's nothing
to worry about.

201
00:07:33,413 --> 00:07:34,780
Because...

202
00:07:34,782 --> 00:07:37,283
Nick. You're gay.

203
00:07:37,285 --> 00:07:38,117
Huh?
- You're gay.

204
00:07:38,119 --> 00:07:40,152
Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.

205
00:07:40,154 --> 00:07:41,120
Be gay?

206
00:07:41,122 --> 00:07:42,655
Hey.

207
00:07:42,657 --> 00:07:44,557
I just had to make sure
these animals flushed.

208
00:07:44,559 --> 00:07:46,325
Oh.
- Not you, you
fastidious queen.

209
00:07:47,427 --> 00:07:48,761
Oh, y-you must be Nick.

210
00:07:48,763 --> 00:07:51,730
Well, friends call me Gay Nick.

211
00:07:55,735 --> 00:07:57,636
My perfect Sunday— sitting
here, watching the game,

212
00:07:57,638 --> 00:07:59,472
eating a pot pie
with a hot dude

213
00:07:59,474 --> 00:08:01,607
with no shirt on,
on my lap kissing me.

214
00:08:01,609 --> 00:08:03,809
Right on, man.
- Right on, man.

215
00:08:03,811 --> 00:08:05,010
All right.
- You got it.

216
00:08:06,414 --> 00:08:07,813
Uh, can I use
your restroom?

217
00:08:07,815 --> 00:08:09,114
Yeah. It's down the hall
to the right.

218
00:08:09,116 --> 00:08:10,683
Don't worry. I won't peek.

219
00:08:10,685 --> 00:08:12,618
But he wants to.

220
00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:14,019
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

221
00:08:14,021 --> 00:08:15,354
I should just
tell him the truth.

222
00:08:15,356 --> 00:08:16,789
It's too late
for the truth, Jess.

223
00:08:16,791 --> 00:08:18,123
You live with a gay man,

224
00:08:18,125 --> 00:08:19,658
and this gay man's
gonna help you get laid.

225
00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:22,361
Okay. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

226
00:08:22,363 --> 00:08:23,996
Do you think you
can play a gay man?

227
00:08:23,998 --> 00:08:25,798
I'm terrible at lying,
I'm terrific at make-believe.

228
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,000
Okay.
- Okay? But I need
to know some backstory

229
00:08:28,002 --> 00:08:29,502
'cause it's very
important to me.

230
00:08:29,504 --> 00:08:31,303
Okay. Yeah,
backstory's important.
- Okay.

231
00:08:31,305 --> 00:08:32,872
Tell me, have I always
known I was gay,

232
00:08:32,874 --> 00:08:34,473
or did I just recently
realize it?

233
00:08:34,475 --> 00:08:36,342
That's— Um, you-you always
knew you were gay,

234
00:08:36,344 --> 00:08:38,611
but you grew up
in an oil town

235
00:08:38,613 --> 00:08:40,546
where masculinity was
the most valued currency.

236
00:08:40,548 --> 00:08:42,815
Um, you-you had an older
brother named Chip.

237
00:08:42,817 --> 00:08:44,783
And Chip was
a union guy.
- Yes.

238
00:08:44,785 --> 00:08:46,619
And if it wasn't
about Teamster Local 11,

239
00:08:46,621 --> 00:08:48,187
Chip didn't want
to hear about it.

240
00:08:48,189 --> 00:08:49,455
Oh, my God, we're doing this.

241
00:08:49,457 --> 00:08:51,023
When I came out, was it flashy?

242
00:08:51,025 --> 00:08:52,491
Was it emotional?

243
00:08:52,493 --> 00:08:54,894
Am I mad that Anderson Cooper
doesn't fly the flag?

244
00:08:54,896 --> 00:08:57,997
Or for what he's doing in his
own way— is it even braver?

245
00:08:57,999 --> 00:09:00,065
These are all really good
questions, but I just can't

246
00:09:00,067 --> 00:09:02,201
get my mind off, like,
why you dress this way.

247
00:09:02,203 --> 00:09:04,637
Why aren't you
in better shape?
Don't put me in a box!

248
00:09:04,639 --> 00:09:07,406
There's nothing we gay men hate
more than being put in a box.

249
00:09:07,408 --> 00:09:10,175
Good.
- Look, maybe I'm a bear,
maybe I'm a twinkler.

250
00:09:10,177 --> 00:09:12,545
That's not a category.
I like rugby

251
00:09:12,547 --> 00:09:15,247
for the game
and for the men.

252
00:09:15,249 --> 00:09:17,016
Now, if you excuse me,
I got to go do

253
00:09:17,018 --> 00:09:18,384
that gay thing
I was telling you about,

254
00:09:18,386 --> 00:09:20,386
because, of course,
I'm gay as hell.

255
00:09:20,388 --> 00:09:21,987
- Bye.

256
00:09:21,989 --> 00:09:23,556
That's not how gay men talk.

257
00:09:23,558 --> 00:09:26,425
I am
shattering stereotypes.

258
00:09:27,661 --> 00:09:29,228
What are you
doing here, man?

259
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:30,696
I'm always here.

260
00:09:30,698 --> 00:09:32,531
Very definition
of the long game.

261
00:09:32,533 --> 00:09:34,199
Forget your long game.
It doesn't...

262
00:09:34,201 --> 00:09:35,568
What is he...?

263
00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:38,170
What are you doing, man?

264
00:09:38,172 --> 00:09:40,339
Is this...?

265
00:09:40,341 --> 00:09:42,775
Is this the fut... the future?

266
00:09:42,777 --> 00:09:45,344
I can hold them both
in one hand.

267
00:09:45,346 --> 00:09:46,745
Yeah, man.

268
00:09:47,915 --> 00:09:49,582
No, no, there it is.
Look at that.

269
00:09:49,584 --> 00:09:53,118
Stage four— depression.

270
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,721
My two best friends
are going away.

271
00:09:55,723 --> 00:09:58,457
Going away far too soon.

272
00:09:58,459 --> 00:10:01,393
And if you were lucky enough
to meet them,

273
00:10:01,395 --> 00:10:04,763
to touch them,
to be touched by them,

274
00:10:04,765 --> 00:10:06,765
you came away
a better person.

275
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:08,534
If you'll excuse me.

276
00:10:08,536 --> 00:10:10,269
Is he... is he talking
about you guys?

277
00:10:10,271 --> 00:10:13,372
Yes. Yes, he is, uh...
he's talking about us.

278
00:10:13,374 --> 00:10:16,075
We are, unfortunately,
we're going away... tomorrow.

279
00:10:16,077 --> 00:10:19,745
So, uh, we better make
tonight count, huh, ladies?

280
00:10:19,747 --> 00:10:21,213
Wait.

281
00:10:21,215 --> 00:10:22,781
We barely got
to know you!

282
00:10:22,783 --> 00:10:25,150
How long will
you be gone?

283
00:10:25,152 --> 00:10:27,886
For... for...

284
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,822
44 weeks.
- 44 weeks?

285
00:10:29,824 --> 00:10:30,889
Tell them about
our business, man.

286
00:10:30,891 --> 00:10:32,625
You don't have to be
shy about it.

287
00:10:32,627 --> 00:10:34,593
Uh, right.
- No. Yeah.

288
00:10:34,595 --> 00:10:36,595
Hello. Do you like socks?

289
00:10:36,597 --> 00:10:38,464
We sell socks.

290
00:10:38,466 --> 00:10:40,899
Everybody likes socks.

291
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:43,602
I just cried on my penis
while I was peeing.
- Whoa.

292
00:10:43,604 --> 00:10:45,070
That happened.

293
00:10:45,072 --> 00:10:46,672
I just can't stop thinking
about them.

294
00:10:48,409 --> 00:10:51,176
You know, there are some people
that are gonna say that they...

295
00:10:51,178 --> 00:10:53,078
they look alike.

296
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,781
That they're exactly the same.
And you know what?

297
00:10:55,783 --> 00:10:57,650
They just don't know them
like I know them.

298
00:10:57,652 --> 00:10:59,351
Truth-truth be told?

299
00:10:59,353 --> 00:11:00,853
One of them...

300
00:11:00,855 --> 00:11:03,322
One of them is slightly
more brown than the other.

301
00:11:03,324 --> 00:11:05,124
And they're so unique,

302
00:11:05,126 --> 00:11:07,459
and they're so special.

303
00:11:07,461 --> 00:11:09,161
You know what I'm gonna miss
most about them?

304
00:11:09,163 --> 00:11:11,997
Watching them bounce.

305
00:11:11,999 --> 00:11:13,832
Watching them...

306
00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:15,901
Watching them bounce.

307
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:26,345
If you just give me
a chance to exp...

308
00:11:26,347 --> 00:11:28,981
Well, easy come,
easy go.

309
00:11:28,983 --> 00:11:31,817
Easy? Easy?

310
00:11:31,819 --> 00:11:35,020
You just stole six
months of my life, man.

311
00:11:35,022 --> 00:11:38,524
I am... I am
P.O.'d, hombre!

312
00:11:38,526 --> 00:11:40,225
Winston!

313
00:11:41,361 --> 00:11:42,995
Can I get a high five?
- Bam.

314
00:11:44,632 --> 00:11:46,465
Sorry I called you a biscuit.

315
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:48,167
I'm sorry I liked
it so much.

316
00:11:48,169 --> 00:11:50,235
Hey, Jess, you in there?

317
00:11:50,237 --> 00:11:51,704
Is that Nick?

318
00:11:51,706 --> 00:11:53,138
Do you mean Gay Nick?

319
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:54,807
Yeah, that's Gay Nick.

320
00:11:57,343 --> 00:11:59,244
I am so sorry.
- What's going on?

321
00:11:59,246 --> 00:12:01,747
I screwed up.

322
00:12:05,351 --> 00:12:06,752
A girl, Nick?
- I know.

323
00:12:06,754 --> 00:12:08,087
Nick, really?

324
00:12:08,089 --> 00:12:09,922
Hey.

325
00:12:14,027 --> 00:12:16,361
You look like my
dead friend Karen.

326
00:12:16,363 --> 00:12:18,864
Does anyone ever
tell you that?
- Hmm, no.

327
00:12:18,866 --> 00:12:20,833
Thank you.
Hmm.

328
00:12:22,001 --> 00:12:23,869
What?

329
00:12:23,871 --> 00:12:25,904
I wanted to be gay
for you, I really did,

330
00:12:25,906 --> 00:12:27,740
but it's a very
hard time to be gay.

331
00:12:27,742 --> 00:12:29,908
Girls are wearing
scarves and boots.

332
00:12:29,910 --> 00:12:31,577
They have so many
layers to them.

333
00:12:31,579 --> 00:12:34,012
What is underneath all those
layers? I want to find out!

334
00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:35,848
Are you blaming autumn?

335
00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:38,217
Look, it was one night.
Get rid of her!

336
00:12:38,219 --> 00:12:40,753
I tried. I told her I live with
my ex, and she didn't care.

337
00:12:40,755 --> 00:12:42,721
You look so cute
in the morning.

338
00:12:42,723 --> 00:12:44,556
You talking
to me or her?

339
00:12:44,558 --> 00:12:47,126
- Okay. I'll get rid of her.

340
00:12:47,128 --> 00:12:49,061
I'll just pretend
to be your crazy ex-girlfriend.

341
00:12:49,063 --> 00:12:52,064
I can do this. I did a one-woman
production of A Christmas Carol.

342
00:12:52,066 --> 00:12:54,933
You, sir, what day is it?

343
00:12:54,935 --> 00:12:57,136
Aye, it's Christmas day.

344
00:12:57,138 --> 00:12:59,805
That was not good.

345
00:12:59,807 --> 00:13:02,307
It was perfect.
- Thank you.
I thought you'd think that.

346
00:13:02,309 --> 00:13:03,809
Yeah, it's perfect.
All right, look,

347
00:13:03,811 --> 00:13:05,310
you stay here
and keep your gay warm, okay?

348
00:13:05,312 --> 00:13:07,746
In case Ian comes back.
Also, can we agree

349
00:13:07,748 --> 00:13:09,882
that this is not the most
mature way to handle things?

350
00:13:09,884 --> 00:13:10,983
Even though it's pretty fun.

351
00:13:10,985 --> 00:13:12,551
It's no fun a
couple Bellinis

352
00:13:12,553 --> 00:13:14,787
and a round of apples
to apples can't solve.

353
00:13:14,789 --> 00:13:16,789
What kind of gay are you?
I'm still finding it.

354
00:13:16,791 --> 00:13:18,323
All right.
- All right.

355
00:13:21,728 --> 00:13:23,595
Nick thinks we're broken
up, but he also thinks

356
00:13:23,597 --> 00:13:26,098
that the last girl he slept
with wasn't me in a wig.

357
00:13:27,468 --> 00:13:29,701
Wigs are so good
for tricking guys.

358
00:13:30,637 --> 00:13:33,005
I'm around all the time.

359
00:13:33,007 --> 00:13:35,307
Do you really want to get
yourself in this situation?

360
00:13:35,309 --> 00:13:38,577
My last boyfriend was, like,
honestly in his 80s.

361
00:13:38,579 --> 00:13:41,647
I was just like,
"Don't die, Myron."

362
00:13:41,649 --> 00:13:44,082
Does that answer
your question?

363
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,684
Tell me everything
you did sexually!

364
00:13:45,686 --> 00:13:47,653
Everything!
All of it, or leave!

365
00:13:47,655 --> 00:13:48,987
I put my finger...
- Stop!

366
00:13:48,989 --> 00:13:50,322
But you asked...
- No.

367
00:13:50,324 --> 00:13:52,457
I-I did, but
it backfired.

368
00:13:52,459 --> 00:13:53,959
Ah, so it is

369
00:13:53,961 --> 00:13:55,861
load bearing, huh?

370
00:13:55,863 --> 00:13:57,329
What are you doing?

371
00:13:57,331 --> 00:14:00,132
Me? Oh, well, first,
I'm putting up the shelves.

372
00:14:00,134 --> 00:14:01,934
Then I got to finish the floor,

373
00:14:01,936 --> 00:14:04,636
so that the shelves can
appear level, then the ceiling.

374
00:14:04,638 --> 00:14:07,339
Enough! All right? You've
done enough for these women.

375
00:14:07,341 --> 00:14:09,374
Look, ladies, I tried
to manipulate you,

376
00:14:09,376 --> 00:14:11,143
and I am sorry about that, but

377
00:14:11,145 --> 00:14:13,645
you guys have been manipulating
my friend for months.

378
00:14:13,647 --> 00:14:16,849
It is not okay. Just dangling
sex like a little carrot.

379
00:14:16,851 --> 00:14:19,384
We are not using sex
to get Winston to do stuff.

380
00:14:19,386 --> 00:14:20,385
No.

381
00:14:20,387 --> 00:14:23,488
Wait. You're not?
- No.

382
00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:24,623
Well, then he's
done doing stuff.

383
00:14:24,625 --> 00:14:26,692
Come on, Winston.
You're better than this.

384
00:14:26,694 --> 00:14:28,527
Forget you guys.

385
00:14:28,529 --> 00:14:29,561
Wait!

386
00:14:29,563 --> 00:14:31,897
Yeah, just-just
give us a minute.

387
00:14:31,899 --> 00:14:33,699
Okay, we have
to talk about...
- Okay.

388
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:35,868
What are they
whispering about?
- I don't know.

389
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:37,336
We could just
stack the books.

390
00:14:37,338 --> 00:14:38,737
No...
- No.

391
00:14:38,739 --> 00:14:40,939
Oh, man, this is
embarrassing.

392
00:14:43,142 --> 00:14:44,376
Uh...

393
00:14:44,378 --> 00:14:46,812
Okay. It's me.

394
00:14:46,814 --> 00:14:48,247
Come on.

395
00:14:48,249 --> 00:14:49,314
What?

396
00:14:49,316 --> 00:14:51,416
Wait. Listen. Um...

397
00:14:51,418 --> 00:14:52,517
Michelle, you don't
have to do this.

398
00:14:52,519 --> 00:14:53,752
That's okay. I
kind of want to.

399
00:14:53,754 --> 00:14:56,021
Just, uh, keep the
pencil behind your ear,

400
00:14:56,023 --> 00:14:59,925
and bring the hard hat,
um, and the safety goggles.

401
00:15:02,228 --> 00:15:05,998
Long game.

402
00:15:12,273 --> 00:15:14,506
Wonder what's taking,
uh, Jess so long.

403
00:15:14,508 --> 00:15:15,941
Well, you know women.

404
00:15:15,943 --> 00:15:17,342
What's women?

405
00:15:20,546 --> 00:15:23,415
Am I right?
- "What's women?"

406
00:15:23,417 --> 00:15:26,084
I just don't know them
like you know them, is my point.

407
00:15:26,086 --> 00:15:27,252
Uh-huh.

408
00:15:27,254 --> 00:15:31,123
Uh, so, what kind of guys
do you like to date?

409
00:15:31,125 --> 00:15:32,424
Me? All kinds.

410
00:15:32,426 --> 00:15:33,892
Yeah.

411
00:15:33,894 --> 00:15:37,930
Hunks. If I can get my, uh,
paws on a hunk, I don't let go.

412
00:15:37,932 --> 00:15:40,365
Uh, ripped nerds.

413
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,701
'Cause they're smart
but strong, I guess.

414
00:15:42,703 --> 00:15:44,569
Uh-huh.
- I like Spanish guys.

415
00:15:44,571 --> 00:15:46,972
Throw in a little, uh,
hint of German in there,

416
00:15:46,974 --> 00:15:48,640
there's a perfect combo.

417
00:15:48,642 --> 00:15:49,975
Okay.

418
00:15:49,977 --> 00:15:52,110
Certain ice cream men, I guess.

419
00:15:52,112 --> 00:15:54,579
Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys.

420
00:15:54,581 --> 00:15:57,449
Uh, we in the gay community
call them "drowsers."

421
00:15:57,451 --> 00:15:58,951
Why would you like
a sleepy guy?

422
00:15:58,953 --> 00:16:01,086
Look... I'm so
out of the game—

423
00:16:01,088 --> 00:16:02,321
I'm in a relationship.

424
00:16:02,323 --> 00:16:03,622
Um...

425
00:16:03,624 --> 00:16:05,223
he's got a nice penis.

426
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,225
You're sweating a lot.

427
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:08,927
That's what he said! Am I right?

428
00:16:10,331 --> 00:16:13,632
I'm a sweaty lover,
is what he says to me.

429
00:16:13,634 --> 00:16:15,500
Okay, you know, you
really don't seem gay.

430
00:16:15,502 --> 00:16:17,803
I don't buy it.

431
00:16:19,072 --> 00:16:21,840
Hey.
- Not now.

432
00:16:21,842 --> 00:16:23,642
Probably wondering why I
didn't come home last night.

433
00:16:23,644 --> 00:16:26,678
Just needed some space to
process this whole thing.

434
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,480
I'm sorry if our
room felt empty.

435
00:16:31,418 --> 00:16:33,118
Well, it did.

436
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,820
I was really worried
about you.

437
00:16:34,822 --> 00:16:36,989
So where were you?
You owe me that much.

438
00:16:36,991 --> 00:16:39,624
I just went walking on
the streets last night.

439
00:16:39,626 --> 00:16:41,994
I needed to come to
terms with all this.

440
00:16:41,996 --> 00:16:44,863
Ended up in a park.
I know that's stupid,

441
00:16:44,865 --> 00:16:46,264
but I promise
I was careful.

442
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:47,632
I mean, I was
totally safe.

443
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:48,834
A park?

444
00:16:48,836 --> 00:16:50,802
I don't know, man.
- Hey,

445
00:16:50,804 --> 00:16:53,305
I'm upset... but I understand.

446
00:16:53,307 --> 00:16:54,973
It's okay.

447
00:16:54,975 --> 00:16:56,208
Come here.

448
00:16:57,643 --> 00:16:59,511
Come here.

449
00:16:59,513 --> 00:17:01,346
There, there.

450
00:17:05,351 --> 00:17:06,818
Thanks.

451
00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:07,519
Yeah.

452
00:17:07,521 --> 00:17:09,521
Acceptance. Wow.

453
00:17:09,523 --> 00:17:10,355
Yeah.

454
00:17:12,458 --> 00:17:14,526
Give me a kiss.

455
00:17:16,162 --> 00:17:17,896
Just give me a kiss.

456
00:17:17,898 --> 00:17:19,364
All right?

457
00:17:22,702 --> 00:17:25,037
I felt like you needed that
more than I did.

458
00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:29,007
Your scruff, by the way,
is perfect.

459
00:17:29,009 --> 00:17:31,309
Don't touch your
beard trimming setting.
- Okay.

460
00:17:32,311 --> 00:17:33,812
Take it easy.
Okay.

461
00:17:35,348 --> 00:17:36,848
That was beautiful.

462
00:17:36,850 --> 00:17:38,083
I'm-I'm sorry,
you know?

463
00:17:38,085 --> 00:17:39,985
I think I'm just
more used to, like,

464
00:17:39,987 --> 00:17:41,586
stereotypical gay guys,
like him, you know?

465
00:17:41,588 --> 00:17:43,488
You offended me.
- I'm sorry.

466
00:17:43,490 --> 00:17:45,090
Ian! Ian!

467
00:17:45,092 --> 00:17:46,725
Ian, hi. There are some events
that are about to occur

468
00:17:46,727 --> 00:17:48,026
that I'd like
to get ahead of.

469
00:17:48,028 --> 00:17:49,861
Um, the truth is that Nick is...

470
00:17:49,863 --> 00:17:51,830
Oh, God.

471
00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:55,233
Get off of me!

472
00:17:55,235 --> 00:17:57,002
You're not a man!

473
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,376
Ian! Wait.
I'm so sorry I lied,

474
00:18:04,378 --> 00:18:06,711
and you don't owe me
anything, but could I just

475
00:18:06,713 --> 00:18:08,447
ask you one thing
before you leave?

476
00:18:08,449 --> 00:18:10,082
What is this,
an exit interview?
Is there any good way

477
00:18:10,084 --> 00:18:12,851
I could have told you
about my living situation?

478
00:18:12,853 --> 00:18:15,520
Okay, you know what?
Fair question. Um... no!

479
00:18:15,522 --> 00:18:17,456
Look, Nick was
just trying to help me.
Clearly,

480
00:18:17,458 --> 00:18:19,758
he would do anything for you.
I mean, he went so far

481
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,060
as to hire an actual gay man
to play his cheating lover.

482
00:18:22,062 --> 00:18:25,263
What? Oh, my God.
You know what?

483
00:18:25,265 --> 00:18:26,598
I think that was Schmidt.

484
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,266
He's... not gay.

485
00:18:28,268 --> 00:18:30,368
When are the lies
gonna stop?

486
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:31,770
Now, this is just
a consultation,

487
00:18:31,772 --> 00:18:33,138
so do your best
to relax.

488
00:18:33,140 --> 00:18:34,139
Okay.

489
00:18:34,141 --> 00:18:35,107
Stop the surgery!

490
00:18:35,109 --> 00:18:38,043
This is just a consultation.

491
00:18:38,045 --> 00:18:39,211
May we have the room, please?

492
00:18:39,213 --> 00:18:41,246
That's what it's here for.

493
00:18:41,248 --> 00:18:42,180
I'm sorry.

494
00:18:45,618 --> 00:18:47,419
What are you doing?
Okay, look, I know

495
00:18:47,421 --> 00:18:50,088
I can't stop this,
and I accept that,

496
00:18:50,090 --> 00:18:51,957
but I just wanted
to stop it long enough

497
00:18:51,959 --> 00:18:53,425
so that I could
say good-bye.

498
00:18:53,427 --> 00:18:57,129
Aw. Look, this is a
low-risk procedure, okay?

499
00:18:57,131 --> 00:18:58,797
I'm gonna be fine.

500
00:18:58,799 --> 00:19:00,966
Oh, you meant say
good-bye to my boobs.

501
00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:02,501
I forgot who I
was talking to.

502
00:19:02,503 --> 00:19:05,103
No, Schmidt, you
cannot see my boobs.

503
00:19:05,105 --> 00:19:07,172
I need to look them in the eyes.
I can't let them leave

504
00:19:07,174 --> 00:19:08,974
without knowing how much
they've meant to me.

505
00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:10,275
I'll let them know.
- No.

506
00:19:10,277 --> 00:19:12,244
I need to tell them myself.

507
00:19:12,246 --> 00:19:14,613
All right...

508
00:19:14,615 --> 00:19:17,315
you can say good-bye
to one, all right?

509
00:19:17,317 --> 00:19:19,017
I mean, j-just one?
One.

510
00:19:19,019 --> 00:19:21,753
Gosh almighty.

511
00:19:21,755 --> 00:19:24,156
The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho.

512
00:19:24,158 --> 00:19:26,091
I mean, there's Harold,
who's just...

513
00:19:26,093 --> 00:19:28,126
full of life...

514
00:19:29,496 --> 00:19:32,464
And Kumar, who's shy.

515
00:19:32,466 --> 00:19:35,534
Who's shy, but yet
surprisingly so brave.

516
00:19:35,536 --> 00:19:38,637
But, you know, who wouldn't be
with a best friend like Harold?

517
00:19:38,639 --> 00:19:40,138
Oh, my God, fine!

518
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:41,973
You can say good-bye
to both, okay?

519
00:19:41,975 --> 00:19:44,376
Okay. I need you
to put these on.
- What?

520
00:19:44,378 --> 00:19:48,013
This is a private conversation
that doesn't concern you.

521
00:19:48,015 --> 00:19:49,447
The playlist...

522
00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:51,283
matches the mood.

523
00:20:26,253 --> 00:20:28,186
I mean, I guess
if I'm being honest,

524
00:20:28,188 --> 00:20:30,989
it doesn't matter
what size you are.

525
00:20:30,991 --> 00:20:32,857
I'm always gonna love you,

526
00:20:32,859 --> 00:20:35,193
because you're attached
to the most beautiful person

527
00:20:35,195 --> 00:20:36,828
in the whole world.

528
00:20:42,768 --> 00:20:44,769
You know what I think? I think

529
00:20:44,771 --> 00:20:47,105
that when people go
on dates with us,

530
00:20:47,107 --> 00:20:48,373
probably talk
to their friends

531
00:20:48,375 --> 00:20:49,741
and their friends say,

532
00:20:49,743 --> 00:20:52,077
"You go on dates with
a lot of weirdos."

533
00:20:52,079 --> 00:20:53,545
Oh, my God.

534
00:20:53,547 --> 00:20:56,448
We're the weirdo ass clowns.

535
00:20:56,450 --> 00:20:59,751
Aw, no. Everyone in their 30s
waits in line for the shower.

536
00:20:59,753 --> 00:21:03,722
I'm sorry, but the truth is,
as long as you live with me,

537
00:21:03,724 --> 00:21:05,624
you're not gonna meet
a normal guy.

538
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,760
Why are you guys
all in here?

539
00:21:08,762 --> 00:21:10,528
Winston's taking
a long-ass shower.

540
00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:11,696
Poor guy gets dirty.

541
00:21:11,698 --> 00:21:12,897
All right, let me see the new.

542
00:21:12,899 --> 00:21:14,099
I accept it.

543
00:21:14,101 --> 00:21:15,800
Again, it was just
a consultation.

544
00:21:15,802 --> 00:21:18,303
And actually, I don't even know
if I'm gonna go through with it.

545
00:21:18,305 --> 00:21:20,305
You're still here.
I saved you.

546
00:21:20,307 --> 00:21:22,040
I'm your Schindler.
One day, your children

547
00:21:22,042 --> 00:21:23,908
are gonna put rocks
on my grave.

548
00:21:23,910 --> 00:21:26,611
Hey, uh, wow.
You guys mind if I get cuts?

549
00:21:26,613 --> 00:21:29,047
'Cause I am very dirty.
Wait a minute.

550
00:21:29,049 --> 00:21:30,081
Who's in the sh...

551
00:21:30,083 --> 00:21:31,750
Hey, what's the vibe here

552
00:21:31,752 --> 00:21:32,951
on shower pee-pee?

553
00:21:32,953 --> 00:21:34,786
I'm just trying to plan my day.

554
00:21:34,788 --> 00:21:36,588
Who is this woman?

555
00:21:36,590 --> 00:21:38,757
You have awesome water pressure.

556
00:21:38,759 --> 00:21:42,594
You should see
what's falling out of my hair.

557
00:21:42,596 --> 00:21:44,095
Well, Nick...

558
00:21:44,097 --> 00:21:46,264
looks like you're gonna
have to marry her.

559
00:21:46,266 --> 00:21:47,832
It's looking
that way, isn't it?
- Yeah.

560
00:21:47,834 --> 00:21:49,768
She's not so bad.
She's peeing in the shower.

561
00:21:49,770 --> 00:21:52,137
Yeah, she is. Classic Tina.
That's weird.

562
00:21:55,074 --> 00:21:57,709
Captioned by
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