1
00:00:16,710 --> 00:00:18,710
Ooh, the female reproductive
system.

2
00:00:18,711 --> 00:00:20,446
- Kind of looks
like the Chicago Bulls symbol.

3
00:00:20,448 --> 00:00:23,116
It does.
Now, this is the only part
that matters.

4
00:00:23,118 --> 00:00:25,118
The money train. Sure.
Hey, I call it my nine-to-five.

5
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,620
'Cause it's my job to work it.
You know what I'm saying?

6
00:00:29,391 --> 00:00:31,391
The large intestine,
you degenerates.

7
00:00:31,393 --> 00:00:32,992
What?

8
00:00:32,994 --> 00:00:34,060
Let me see that.
I told Jess

9
00:00:34,062 --> 00:00:36,029
that I don't want
to teach health.

10
00:00:36,031 --> 00:00:38,131
I'm not good at it.
Such a hassle.

11
00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:42,235
Studying, planning, giving
weak kids good grades. No.

12
00:00:42,237 --> 00:00:44,837
I heard that. There are good
things, too. Like you get

13
00:00:44,839 --> 00:00:48,341
to come with me to a
dope two-day teaching
conference in Palmdale.

14
00:00:48,343 --> 00:00:51,210
I want to stay and hang out
with the guys at Guys' Night.
What's Guys' Night?

15
00:00:51,212 --> 00:00:52,979
Oh, yeah, we're celebrating
you being gone. No offense.

16
00:00:52,981 --> 00:00:54,180
Guys' Night!
Guys' Night!

17
00:00:54,182 --> 00:00:56,349
Guys' Night!
Guys' Night!

18
00:00:56,351 --> 00:00:57,850
The conference is gonna be
really fun. We just have

19
00:00:57,852 --> 00:01:00,553
to work from,
like, 9:00 to 7:00.

20
00:01:00,555 --> 00:01:02,655
And then after that
it's a par-tay.

21
00:01:02,657 --> 00:01:05,358
Until 10:00, when quiet hours
are strictly enforced.

22
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,593
But before then we rage.
For three hours.

23
00:01:07,595 --> 00:01:10,596
Actually, two because there's
the half an hour of setup time

24
00:01:10,598 --> 00:01:13,232
and the half an hour of cleanup
time because we have to actually

25
00:01:13,234 --> 00:01:15,168
be in bed at 10:00.

26
00:01:15,170 --> 00:01:16,736
Ooh!

27
00:01:16,738 --> 00:01:18,337
Are you kidding me?

28
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:20,606
Ryan is going?

29
00:01:20,608 --> 00:01:23,443
Ryan-Ryan? The guy you
have a crazy crush on?

30
00:01:23,445 --> 00:01:25,445
I had a crush on him.
Principal Foster

31
00:01:25,447 --> 00:01:29,015
says that administrators can't
date teachers. It's forbidden.

32
00:01:29,017 --> 00:01:30,850
That makes it so much hotter.

33
00:01:30,852 --> 00:01:33,119
It makes it crazy hotter.
But, look,

34
00:01:33,121 --> 00:01:34,787
it's not just
about Principal Foster.

35
00:01:34,789 --> 00:01:36,089
This is
about how I worked

36
00:01:36,091 --> 00:01:37,790
really hard to get
to Vice Principal,

37
00:01:37,792 --> 00:01:40,593
and I'm not gonna let
some British guy get in my way.

38
00:01:40,595 --> 00:01:42,195
Some redcoat bastard.

39
00:01:42,197 --> 00:01:43,529
That's why
I keep all

40
00:01:43,531 --> 00:01:46,199
of our interactions
strictly professional.

41
00:01:46,201 --> 00:01:48,234
Hey. How was
your weekend?

42
00:01:48,236 --> 00:01:50,603
That's personal.

43
00:01:50,605 --> 00:01:53,072
I can't risk learning
any personal details about him.

44
00:01:53,074 --> 00:01:55,975
What if he taught
his dyslexic sister how to read?

45
00:01:55,977 --> 00:01:58,544
I can't know that.
I'll go crazy with lust.

46
00:01:58,546 --> 00:02:00,813
My pants will turn to ash.
And so exactly

47
00:02:00,815 --> 00:02:03,149
how do you plan
to avoid this man

48
00:02:03,151 --> 00:02:05,151
that you are trapped
in the same hotel with?

49
00:02:05,153 --> 00:02:07,753
There are, like, a thousand
porns that start that way.

50
00:02:07,755 --> 00:02:09,222
Yeah, but no porns
have teachers.

51
00:02:09,224 --> 00:02:10,456
Every porn has a teacher.

52
00:02:10,458 --> 00:02:12,058
Well, I'm not worried, okay?

53
00:02:12,060 --> 00:02:14,393
'Cause I'll probably
never even see him.

54
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,562
Jess?

55
00:02:16,564 --> 00:02:18,564
Can you believe we're
right next to each other?

56
00:02:29,476 --> 00:02:30,843
Hey, you guys want sangria?
It's Guys' Night!

57
00:02:30,845 --> 00:02:34,280
Only beer!
Yeah, what is
this, Spain?

58
00:02:34,282 --> 00:02:35,915
Great sangria burn, man.

59
00:02:35,917 --> 00:02:37,450
Really?
- Never let
your guard down!

60
00:02:37,452 --> 00:02:39,252
Aah!
- Oh, takedown!

61
00:02:39,254 --> 00:02:40,786
Never let your guard down.

62
00:02:40,788 --> 00:02:42,121
Well played.
All right, first up,

63
00:02:42,123 --> 00:02:43,856
we eat meat.

64
00:02:43,858 --> 00:02:44,690
How much meat?

65
00:02:44,692 --> 00:02:45,992
Then we take a fart nap.

66
00:02:45,994 --> 00:02:47,527
Not for me. Pass.
All right, guys,

67
00:02:47,529 --> 00:02:49,529
it's Guys' Night.
Let's think.
- Okay.

68
00:02:49,531 --> 00:02:53,599
Anything else we can't
do when Jess is here.

69
00:02:53,601 --> 00:02:54,867
Wow.

70
00:02:54,869 --> 00:02:57,336
Look at that stretching.
I don't want to...

71
00:02:57,338 --> 00:03:01,307
make this sound too creepy,
but I want to own those girls.

72
00:03:01,309 --> 00:03:02,642
I wouldn't touch
them. They'd want

73
00:03:02,644 --> 00:03:04,610
for nothing. But I would know
they were there.

74
00:03:04,612 --> 00:03:06,679
Stretching. For me.
- I want

75
00:03:06,681 --> 00:03:08,281
to French braid that girl hair.

76
00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:10,116
I want to French braid
that hair so good.

77
00:03:10,118 --> 00:03:12,185
The third hottest one
just waved at me.

78
00:03:12,187 --> 00:03:13,452
Hello! Ah!

79
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:14,153
Ooh!
- Oh, no.

80
00:03:14,155 --> 00:03:15,188
Oh!
- No!

81
00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:16,622
No, no, no!
- Oh...

82
00:03:16,624 --> 00:03:17,957
Jess is gonna kill you.
- Shoot!
She's not gonna kill me.

83
00:03:17,959 --> 00:03:19,292
I'm just gonna, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna have

84
00:03:19,294 --> 00:03:20,493
it cleaned, I'll
have it cleaned.

85
00:03:20,495 --> 00:03:22,528
Schmidt, red wine sets.
Shut up, Winston! It sets.

86
00:03:22,530 --> 00:03:24,330
Why don't you
just wash it?
Why don't I just what?

87
00:03:24,332 --> 00:03:25,531
Wash it.

88
00:03:25,533 --> 00:03:27,099
Just wash the blanket.

89
00:03:28,068 --> 00:03:29,835
Unless you can't.

90
00:03:29,837 --> 00:03:31,737
Come on, man.
Get out of here.

91
00:03:31,739 --> 00:03:33,139
I've known you
for a lot of years

92
00:03:33,141 --> 00:03:34,407
and I've never seen you
do laundry.

93
00:03:34,409 --> 00:03:35,641
Never seen me do laundry...
Get out of town.

94
00:03:35,643 --> 00:03:37,310
Wait, wait.
Is that true?

95
00:03:37,312 --> 00:03:38,377
Come on, you guys,
this is so...

96
00:03:38,379 --> 00:03:39,412
Really, this is silly.

97
00:03:39,414 --> 00:03:40,646
Then do it.

98
00:03:40,648 --> 00:03:41,881
Right now.

99
00:03:41,883 --> 00:03:43,082
We'll watch.

100
00:03:43,084 --> 00:03:45,785
Doing the
laundry...

101
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,654
It's no
problemo.

102
00:03:49,423 --> 00:03:50,923
Little bit
of this.

103
00:03:57,197 --> 00:03:59,198
What in the
world...?

104
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,566
Straining the soap.

105
00:04:02,769 --> 00:04:04,503
Get that
in there.

106
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,540
Back in there.

107
00:04:07,542 --> 00:04:08,975
Um, okay.

108
00:04:11,511 --> 00:04:13,479
And...

109
00:04:14,681 --> 00:04:16,949
That's it.
Laundry.

110
00:04:16,951 --> 00:04:18,284
Can't...
Oh, so silly.

111
00:04:18,286 --> 00:04:19,585
Forgot to put
the quarters in.

112
00:04:19,587 --> 00:04:20,987
That's right, the quarters.

113
00:04:27,461 --> 00:04:29,462
Schmidt...
All right!
I don't know how to do laundry!

114
00:04:29,464 --> 00:04:30,596
I knew it!
- Forget it.

115
00:04:30,598 --> 00:04:31,931
Finally!
- That is
insane!

116
00:04:31,933 --> 00:04:33,399
Hope you're happy.

117
00:04:33,401 --> 00:04:35,401
Nerd. Nerd.

118
00:04:35,403 --> 00:04:36,602
Dud.

119
00:04:36,604 --> 00:04:38,804
Lady nerd.
Goofus.

120
00:04:38,806 --> 00:04:41,207
Virgin...
- Hey, Coach, I need
you to be my buffer!

121
00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:43,276
Okay, but Nick can never
find out about this.

122
00:04:43,278 --> 00:04:44,810
Wait, what?
- Hmm?

123
00:04:44,812 --> 00:04:46,712
What?
- What are you
talking about?

124
00:04:46,714 --> 00:04:48,214
What are you
talking about?

125
00:04:48,216 --> 00:04:50,416
I need you to be my buffer
between Ryan and me.

126
00:04:50,418 --> 00:04:51,584
He's so sexy.

127
00:04:51,586 --> 00:04:52,418
Really?
- Yeah.

128
00:04:52,420 --> 00:04:53,386
That guy?

129
00:04:53,388 --> 00:04:54,887
Beautiful.
Did you make that?

130
00:04:54,889 --> 00:04:56,489
Looks like a Boys
Department mannequin.

131
00:04:56,491 --> 00:04:57,890
Yeah.

132
00:04:57,892 --> 00:05:00,459
Hey, Jess, can I, um...
- Nope.

133
00:05:00,461 --> 00:05:01,460
No time for chatting.

134
00:05:01,462 --> 00:05:02,828
We have to sit down.

135
00:05:03,497 --> 00:05:05,431
You can't
sit there.

136
00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:06,799
Coach likes to sit
in the middle.

137
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:08,100
Mm-hmm.

138
00:05:08,102 --> 00:05:10,603
I sit bitch
or I don't sit at all.

139
00:05:10,605 --> 00:05:12,738
You're weird.
You're weird.

140
00:05:12,740 --> 00:05:14,173
You're a weirdo.
You're weird.

141
00:05:14,175 --> 00:05:15,841
You're weird.
- You're weird.

142
00:05:18,245 --> 00:05:19,979
Shh.

143
00:05:19,981 --> 00:05:22,581
I am education guru
Brenda Brown.

144
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:24,784
Oh, no. Who is this?
She looks like

145
00:05:24,786 --> 00:05:26,852
one of those ladies who talks
you into having a baby in a tub.

146
00:05:26,854 --> 00:05:28,487
You. The talker.

147
00:05:28,489 --> 00:05:30,389
Mmm...
Stand up.

148
00:05:33,093 --> 00:05:35,795
Talk to us.
There were other people talking,

149
00:05:35,797 --> 00:05:37,630
I just want to
let you know that.
Why are you a teacher?

150
00:05:37,632 --> 00:05:38,831
Uh, 'cause my...

151
00:05:38,833 --> 00:05:40,433
my roommate made me.

152
00:05:40,435 --> 00:05:42,768
Hmm.

153
00:05:42,770 --> 00:05:43,969
What?

154
00:05:43,971 --> 00:05:45,171
I'm worried about you.

155
00:05:45,173 --> 00:05:46,439
You're a worry.

156
00:05:46,441 --> 00:05:48,307
Wor... why, why are you
worried about me?

157
00:05:48,309 --> 00:05:50,943
Teaching is an awesome

158
00:05:50,945 --> 00:05:52,645
responsibility.

159
00:05:52,647 --> 00:05:54,714
You are not prepared for it.
Sit down.

160
00:05:55,682 --> 00:05:57,049
Okay.

161
00:05:57,051 --> 00:05:59,118
Today, we will learn

162
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,486
about our fellow educators,

163
00:06:00,488 --> 00:06:02,021
their hopes, their dreams,

164
00:06:02,023 --> 00:06:03,889
their bitter
regrets.

165
00:06:03,891 --> 00:06:07,026
The things they wish they'd said
to their birth mother...

166
00:06:07,861 --> 00:06:09,328
So, partner up.

167
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:10,963
Will you be
my partner?

168
00:06:10,965 --> 00:06:12,665
Mmm, sorry,
I'm with Coach.

169
00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:13,866
No, I can't do it.

170
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:15,301
I'm going to the bar.
- What?

171
00:06:15,303 --> 00:06:17,069
Buffer out. Buffer out.
No, buffer in.

172
00:06:17,071 --> 00:06:19,138
Buffer in. Buffer in.
- Buffer out.

173
00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:20,506
Everything okay here?

174
00:06:20,508 --> 00:06:21,841
Yeah, sorry.

175
00:06:21,843 --> 00:06:23,142
My, um... my partner just left.

176
00:06:23,144 --> 00:06:26,312
Or... did your partner
just arrive?

177
00:06:26,314 --> 00:06:28,147
Oh. Um...
No...

178
00:06:28,149 --> 00:06:30,049
Wicked.
Everyone!

179
00:06:30,051 --> 00:06:33,319
Look at your partner,
really look.

180
00:06:33,321 --> 00:06:36,055
Take his or her hand and say,

181
00:06:36,057 --> 00:06:37,323
"I'm excited!"

182
00:06:37,325 --> 00:06:39,792
I'm excited.
- Oh, crap.

183
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:47,833
We just came
to say we're sorry.

184
00:06:47,835 --> 00:06:50,336
Guess you think
I'm pretty dim, huh?

185
00:06:50,338 --> 00:06:52,037
A man who can't do laundry.

186
00:06:52,039 --> 00:06:53,739
You weren't born
this way, were you?

187
00:06:54,875 --> 00:06:56,876
Born not knowing
how to do laundry?

188
00:06:56,878 --> 00:06:58,377
Like everyone else?

189
00:06:58,379 --> 00:07:01,080
Yes, Winston, I was.
It wasn't till after birth

190
00:07:01,082 --> 00:07:03,182
that the trouble really began.
Here we go.

191
00:07:03,184 --> 00:07:05,351
Nana wouldn't let me
in the laundry room.

192
00:07:05,353 --> 00:07:07,286
I think it's because my hands

193
00:07:07,288 --> 00:07:08,888
were always covered in butter.

194
00:07:08,890 --> 00:07:11,290
And so I went to college
unable to do laundry.

195
00:07:11,292 --> 00:07:13,793
I'm making jean shorts!
I'm doing laundry!

196
00:07:13,795 --> 00:07:15,961
Big night for both of us!
Yeah, it is.

197
00:07:15,963 --> 00:07:17,797
As I pulled out
my maternity corduroys,

198
00:07:17,799 --> 00:07:20,533
I spied a six-pack
of Pi-Phis.

199
00:07:20,535 --> 00:07:22,802
I need... um...

200
00:07:22,804 --> 00:07:24,103
I need them loose to keep...

201
00:07:24,105 --> 00:07:25,538
to keep my sperm count up.

202
00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:27,072
You know how it is!

203
00:07:27,074 --> 00:07:29,642
Eventually, the window of time
when it was acceptable

204
00:07:29,644 --> 00:07:32,111
to learn something
so basic had closed.

205
00:07:32,113 --> 00:07:33,813
I was an adult.

206
00:07:33,815 --> 00:07:34,814
It was too late.

207
00:07:34,816 --> 00:07:36,782
Well, I understand.

208
00:07:36,784 --> 00:07:38,784
You know, I've never
told anyone this,

209
00:07:38,786 --> 00:07:40,085
but, um...

210
00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:41,754
I don't know how
to read a ruler.

211
00:07:41,756 --> 00:07:43,656
I don't, I mean,
how do you start?

212
00:07:43,658 --> 00:07:45,424
At the edge or
the first tick?

213
00:07:45,426 --> 00:07:47,126
It's confusing to me.
Are you serious?

214
00:07:47,128 --> 00:07:48,727
Do you know how to count?
It always gets on top of me,

215
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:51,430
and I can't...
'Cause then you should know
how to use a ruler, you idiot!

216
00:07:51,432 --> 00:07:52,998
I'm an idiot? You can't even
wash your own underwear,

217
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,099
you dumb-ass.

218
00:07:54,101 --> 00:07:56,068
Hey! They're both super easy!

219
00:07:56,070 --> 00:07:57,970
We're talking about
laundry and a ruler!

220
00:07:57,972 --> 00:08:00,606
I'm gonna teach
you guys right now!

221
00:08:00,608 --> 00:08:01,807
Let's go.

222
00:08:01,809 --> 00:08:03,642
Each of you holds
a stack of cards

223
00:08:03,644 --> 00:08:05,144
with questions
for your partners.

224
00:08:05,146 --> 00:08:08,681
You must uncover the answers.
Begin.

225
00:08:08,683 --> 00:08:10,182
What gets you out of bed
in the morning?

226
00:08:10,184 --> 00:08:11,350
Let me guess.

227
00:08:11,352 --> 00:08:13,652
Your mother,
who you live with, says,

228
00:08:13,654 --> 00:08:15,521
"Ryan, your crumpets
are getting cold."

229
00:08:15,523 --> 00:08:17,823
The thought that
any ordinary day could be

230
00:08:17,825 --> 00:08:19,992
the day I look back on
when I'm much older

231
00:08:19,994 --> 00:08:21,260
as being the best day
of my life.

232
00:08:21,262 --> 00:08:22,428
You?

233
00:08:22,430 --> 00:08:25,498
Same.

234
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,832
Don't look away.

235
00:08:26,834 --> 00:08:28,167
Embrace the intimacy...
I'm good.

236
00:08:28,169 --> 00:08:30,936
Embrace the intimacy.
Okay.

237
00:08:30,938 --> 00:08:32,705
You know, I think there's
an art to a picnic basket.

238
00:08:32,707 --> 00:08:35,274
Apricot jam would never go
with a sesame cracker.

239
00:08:35,276 --> 00:08:37,142
Of course it wouldn't,
it would go with
Yeah, it'd go with

240
00:08:37,144 --> 00:08:39,845
a flaky baguette.

241
00:08:39,847 --> 00:08:41,714
Duck, duck. Okay, now
step forward, step forward,

242
00:08:41,716 --> 00:08:44,183
another step forward; okay, go
to your right, go to your right.

243
00:08:44,185 --> 00:08:45,184
Do you scrapbook?

244
00:08:45,186 --> 00:08:47,353
On rainy days.

245
00:08:47,355 --> 00:08:49,121
Step forward, go to your left;
left, left.

246
00:08:49,123 --> 00:08:50,189
Big step, that's it, big step;
now come

247
00:08:50,191 --> 00:08:51,724
to me, another big step;
come to me.

248
00:08:51,726 --> 00:08:53,192
Do you own yarn?

249
00:08:53,194 --> 00:08:54,193
Spools of it.

250
00:08:54,195 --> 00:08:58,864
I craft so much.

251
00:08:58,866 --> 00:09:00,499
It's a left, and again come
to me, come to me.

252
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:02,034
Yes.
- Come to me.

253
00:09:02,036 --> 00:09:04,103
Oh!
- Oh!

254
00:09:06,706 --> 00:09:08,674
It's okay, I've got you.

255
00:09:08,676 --> 00:09:10,042
We have a new record.

256
00:09:11,978 --> 00:09:13,012
He's amazing.

257
00:09:13,014 --> 00:09:14,513
I think he might be an angel

258
00:09:14,515 --> 00:09:16,048
sent down to Earth
like Denzel Washington

259
00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:17,216
in The Preacher's Wife.

260
00:09:17,218 --> 00:09:18,918
Oh, honey, okay, what can I do?

261
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,019
In your purse,

262
00:09:20,021 --> 00:09:22,688
you will find a white envelope.

263
00:09:22,690 --> 00:09:24,523
Okay, you, you wrote
a letter to yourself,

264
00:09:24,525 --> 00:09:25,891
and stuck it in my purse?

265
00:09:25,893 --> 00:09:27,426
Read it, I need to hear it.

266
00:09:27,428 --> 00:09:28,827
"Dear Jess,

267
00:09:28,829 --> 00:09:30,095
"If you are reading this,

268
00:09:30,097 --> 00:09:31,897
"it's because you're
being an idiot

269
00:09:31,899 --> 00:09:34,033
"and developing feelings
for your employee,

270
00:09:34,035 --> 00:09:37,903
you ballet-flat-wearing
piece of Oregon trash."

271
00:09:37,905 --> 00:09:39,004
You are so right.

272
00:09:39,006 --> 00:09:40,372
You are so right.

273
00:09:40,374 --> 00:09:42,041
"To have intercourse
with the first man

274
00:09:42,043 --> 00:09:43,609
"hired under your reign

275
00:09:43,611 --> 00:09:45,945
would be an insult
to yourself and also..."

276
00:09:45,947 --> 00:09:47,346
This part's in caps.

277
00:09:47,348 --> 00:09:49,348
"... all women everywhere."
All women everywhere.

278
00:09:49,350 --> 00:09:52,051
"Did you learn nothing
from the movie Elizabeth,

279
00:09:52,053 --> 00:09:54,086
you stupid little bitch?"

280
00:09:54,088 --> 00:09:56,689
No one respects a queen
who sleeps with her subjects.

281
00:09:56,691 --> 00:09:58,457
I will paint my face white.

282
00:09:58,459 --> 00:09:59,592
No man may have me.

283
00:09:59,594 --> 00:10:00,626
Thank you, Cece.

284
00:10:00,628 --> 00:10:01,760
You're welcome?

285
00:10:01,762 --> 00:10:05,064
Teaching is such
a pain in the ass.

286
00:10:05,066 --> 00:10:06,565
Isn't it?

287
00:10:06,567 --> 00:10:07,900
I'll tell you what,

288
00:10:07,902 --> 00:10:09,535
I wouldn't give it up
for anything.

289
00:10:09,537 --> 00:10:11,470
You get to really impact
those kids' lives.

290
00:10:11,472 --> 00:10:14,807
I'm not gonna impact them,
I'm just teaching health.

291
00:10:14,809 --> 00:10:15,975
"Just health"?

292
00:10:15,977 --> 00:10:17,543
Hey, Carol.
- Hey, Ned.

293
00:10:17,545 --> 00:10:19,411
Oh, it's Carol.
- Oh, hey, Carol.

294
00:10:19,413 --> 00:10:21,113
Health is the most
important subject.

295
00:10:21,115 --> 00:10:23,215
Screw up, and they
"just" get pregnant.

296
00:10:24,084 --> 00:10:25,250
What's your safe
sex lesson plan?

297
00:10:25,252 --> 00:10:26,652
I don't know!

298
00:10:26,654 --> 00:10:29,254
Uh, lie to them
and say condoms feel good?

299
00:10:29,256 --> 00:10:31,323
Uh, maybe tell them
about my buddy

300
00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:33,058
who's got bumps on his thing?

301
00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:34,493
Maybe bring up
Magic Johnson.

302
00:10:34,495 --> 00:10:36,161
Maybe bring up
Kobe Bryant.

303
00:10:36,163 --> 00:10:37,997
You're my best friend
in the whole world,

304
00:10:37,999 --> 00:10:40,466
but I'm really worried
about you.

305
00:10:45,472 --> 00:10:47,272
You think the line is
a suggestion?

306
00:10:47,274 --> 00:10:49,508
I don't know what it is...
It isn't!

307
00:10:51,077 --> 00:10:52,645
Do it again.
- It's too hard!

308
00:10:52,647 --> 00:10:53,679
Do it again!

309
00:10:53,681 --> 00:10:55,447
Okay, so you start
with the first tick.

310
00:10:55,449 --> 00:10:57,282
Oh...

311
00:10:57,284 --> 00:10:58,951
That's it, really.

312
00:10:58,953 --> 00:11:00,386
Stop!

313
00:11:01,655 --> 00:11:02,855
That was at the line!

314
00:11:02,857 --> 00:11:04,123
That was perfect.

315
00:11:04,125 --> 00:11:05,457
Now do it
ten more times.

316
00:11:05,459 --> 00:11:08,027
So in the beginning,
you never mind the edge.

317
00:11:08,029 --> 00:11:09,828
Yeah.
Man.

318
00:11:09,830 --> 00:11:11,797
You got to hold on
to it.

319
00:11:11,799 --> 00:11:14,867
What about bleach?
Let's walk before
we can run, huh, pal?

320
00:11:14,869 --> 00:11:17,536
Hey, Winston,
he's asking about bleach!

321
00:11:17,538 --> 00:11:19,972
Man, that is way too soon.

322
00:11:19,974 --> 00:11:22,341
Warm-warm, warm-cold...
You got this,
don't get flustered!

323
00:11:22,343 --> 00:11:24,510
Cold-cold, hot-cold, hot-hot?
It's hot-hot!

324
00:11:24,512 --> 00:11:26,879
It's always warm-cold.
Well, what's "permanent press"?

325
00:11:26,881 --> 00:11:28,480
Fake button, nobody uses it.
Yeah, don't press that one.

326
00:11:28,482 --> 00:11:30,949
- The machine is buzzing,
you didn't close it!

327
00:11:30,951 --> 00:11:32,151
What? Yeah, I closed it!

328
00:11:32,153 --> 00:11:33,352
Who you gonna believe,
me or the machine?

329
00:11:33,354 --> 00:11:34,353
I'm gonna believe the machine!

330
00:11:35,856 --> 00:11:37,656
This is bull!

331
00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:41,060
Damn it, you!

332
00:11:41,861 --> 00:11:43,862
We're so close.

333
00:11:43,864 --> 00:11:45,330
Take ten and relax.

334
00:11:45,332 --> 00:11:46,899
Nine-inch bottle.

335
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:48,333
Rappers be lying.

336
00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:49,668
You told me to
relax, so...

337
00:11:49,670 --> 00:11:51,303
Self-pleasure is the only thing
that relaxes me.

338
00:11:51,305 --> 00:11:53,138
Ugh. Seriously, Schmidt?
That is crass.

339
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:56,675
I don't want to hear it,
I don't want to hear it.

340
00:11:56,677 --> 00:11:58,110
So stupid.

341
00:11:59,179 --> 00:12:02,047
Hey, you did it!

342
00:12:02,049 --> 00:12:03,015
You did it!

343
00:12:03,017 --> 00:12:03,916
Yes!

344
00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:05,684
Yes... yeah!
- All right!

345
00:12:05,686 --> 00:12:07,252
That's what I'm talking about!

346
00:12:07,254 --> 00:12:09,288
Guys' Night!

347
00:12:09,989 --> 00:12:11,890
Hey.
- Oh, hey.

348
00:12:11,892 --> 00:12:14,560
I saved you a seat.
- Oh! No.

349
00:12:14,562 --> 00:12:18,764
I've been offered a seat
at the higher-ups' table.

350
00:12:18,766 --> 00:12:21,600
The tastemakers.

351
00:12:21,602 --> 00:12:24,536
You're not invited.
- Oh, I see.
You're back to avoiding me.

352
00:12:24,538 --> 00:12:26,705
I'm not av... I don't know
what you're talking about.

353
00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:28,440
Yes, you do. You've been
avoiding me for weeks at school.

354
00:12:28,442 --> 00:12:29,708
That's why I
was so happy

355
00:12:29,710 --> 00:12:31,510
that we were finally
getting a chance to,

356
00:12:31,512 --> 00:12:33,579
I don't know, maybe get
to know each other.
What, is this summer camp?

357
00:12:33,581 --> 00:12:36,381
We don't need to get
to know each other.
What's your problem with me?

358
00:12:38,552 --> 00:12:40,719
You have a problem with me.
I don't have a problem with you.

359
00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:42,421
Yes, you do, you have a problem.
Do you have a problem?

360
00:12:42,423 --> 00:12:43,589
No, I don't have a problem.
Great, then we both

361
00:12:43,591 --> 00:12:45,924
don't have a problem.
We have a problem.

362
00:12:45,926 --> 00:12:48,293
Hey, Jess!

363
00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:50,696
Buffer on the roof!

364
00:12:51,932 --> 00:12:53,232
I'm freaking out.

365
00:12:53,234 --> 00:12:55,601
Freakin', freakin' out.

366
00:12:55,603 --> 00:12:57,035
Freak, freak, freak.

367
00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:59,838
Is that a baby?
I feel like I hear a baby.

368
00:13:02,942 --> 00:13:04,643
All right, gentlemen—
bar crawl.

369
00:13:04,645 --> 00:13:06,645
Man, look at this,
I know how to do laundry!

370
00:13:06,647 --> 00:13:08,580
I feel like a new man.
Good, good, good.

371
00:13:08,582 --> 00:13:10,449
There is no way for me
to express my joy.

372
00:13:10,451 --> 00:13:12,718
Except by telling you
the width of my smile.

373
00:13:15,556 --> 00:13:17,389
I can't read it,
somebody else read it.

374
00:13:17,391 --> 00:13:19,792
No, I want to do it,
I want to do it, hold on.

375
00:13:19,794 --> 00:13:22,161
But I can't see,
let me turn it... uh...

376
00:13:22,163 --> 00:13:23,762
You know what? To Nick.

377
00:13:23,764 --> 00:13:25,497
What can't you do?

378
00:13:25,499 --> 00:13:27,299
A lot, you know,
I can't say "Frebuary."

379
00:13:27,301 --> 00:13:29,101
No one can!

380
00:13:29,103 --> 00:13:31,003
Frebuar...
Febuar-ar...

381
00:13:31,005 --> 00:13:32,771
Feb.. I...
Whatever.

382
00:13:32,773 --> 00:13:34,406
Feb... February.
Yeah, it's February.

383
00:13:34,408 --> 00:13:36,275
I can't say the alphabet
unless I'm singing the song.

384
00:13:36,277 --> 00:13:38,143
And I never learned how to love.

385
00:13:38,145 --> 00:13:39,845
But enough about me...
Guys' Night!

386
00:13:39,847 --> 00:13:40,813
Let's go, gentlemen.

387
00:13:40,815 --> 00:13:42,347
Man, that is...
that is heavy.

388
00:13:42,349 --> 00:13:44,783
Hey, Nick, that's
something we should talk about.

389
00:13:44,785 --> 00:13:46,285
I mean, what are we gonna do,

390
00:13:46,287 --> 00:13:48,287
sit around all night
and talk about love?

391
00:14:08,676 --> 00:14:11,443
♪ I know you can show me ♪
Sad song.

392
00:14:11,445 --> 00:14:12,711
Hey, buddy.

393
00:14:12,713 --> 00:14:13,679
Hey!

394
00:14:13,681 --> 00:14:15,147
What's happening?

395
00:14:15,149 --> 00:14:16,949
I freaked out about the
whole teaching health thing,

396
00:14:16,951 --> 00:14:20,619
and then I went and I-I
got drunk with Ned...

397
00:14:20,621 --> 00:14:21,887
Neddy!

398
00:14:21,889 --> 00:14:22,855
And then I bet

399
00:14:22,857 --> 00:14:24,556
everybody in the bar

400
00:14:24,558 --> 00:14:26,491
that I could do a backflip
off the roof,

401
00:14:26,493 --> 00:14:28,660
and that's what I came to do.

402
00:14:28,662 --> 00:14:29,895
So...

403
00:14:29,897 --> 00:14:31,630
Hey, look, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

404
00:14:31,632 --> 00:14:33,699
Uh, I...
- I totally understand
how you're feeling.

405
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:34,967
Yeah? Does, uh, teaching

406
00:14:34,969 --> 00:14:36,568
scare the crap out of you, Jess?

407
00:14:36,570 --> 00:14:37,970
Well, it is my life's calling,

408
00:14:37,972 --> 00:14:39,504
so, no.
- Exactly.

409
00:14:39,506 --> 00:14:42,307
You don't get it.
I do.

410
00:14:42,309 --> 00:14:44,576
What's up, player?
It's the British dude.

411
00:14:44,578 --> 00:14:46,912
This is my first time teaching,
and I'm scared, too.

412
00:14:46,914 --> 00:14:49,014
It's a terribly important job.
Yeah, but health

413
00:14:49,016 --> 00:14:50,349
is the most...

414
00:14:50,351 --> 00:14:51,383
I'm good.

415
00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:52,985
Health is the most important

416
00:14:52,987 --> 00:14:54,553
subject on Earth.

417
00:14:54,555 --> 00:14:55,821
Yes, it is
important.

418
00:14:55,823 --> 00:14:57,422
'Cause you know kids,

419
00:14:57,424 --> 00:14:59,157
they're always wanting to have
sex with each other.

420
00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:00,826
They don't know that it
just feels good for a second

421
00:15:00,828 --> 00:15:02,160
and then you're sad.

422
00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,263
And that's why we
need someone great,

423
00:15:04,265 --> 00:15:06,498
someone strong,
who the kids trust.

424
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:07,666
Okay.

425
00:15:07,668 --> 00:15:08,934
Someone who can yell at them

426
00:15:08,936 --> 00:15:10,235
about chlamydia.

427
00:15:10,237 --> 00:15:12,504
That does... that sounds like...

428
00:15:12,506 --> 00:15:13,872
like something Coach would do.

429
00:15:13,874 --> 00:15:16,375
You can teach.
- I can teach, guys!

430
00:15:16,377 --> 00:15:17,676
That's mostly what I
was trying to tell you.

431
00:15:17,678 --> 00:15:20,112
No one needs to worry
about me anymore!

432
00:15:20,114 --> 00:15:22,881
No!

433
00:15:22,883 --> 00:15:24,583
Oh, my God.
- I'll get him.

434
00:15:24,585 --> 00:15:26,451
No.
- Yes.

435
00:15:26,453 --> 00:15:28,220
Don't do anything heroic
right now. Oh!

436
00:15:43,103 --> 00:15:46,271
This guy's
amazing.

437
00:15:57,618 --> 00:15:59,451
I want to be the someone

438
00:15:59,453 --> 00:16:01,486
that somebody is looking for.

439
00:16:03,891 --> 00:16:05,757
Do not talk about
yourself like that.

440
00:16:05,759 --> 00:16:07,392
Come on, guys, what do
I bring to the table?

441
00:16:07,394 --> 00:16:08,427
That's easy, man.

442
00:16:08,429 --> 00:16:09,594
You're the cute one.

443
00:16:09,596 --> 00:16:10,662
What?
That's right.

444
00:16:10,664 --> 00:16:11,930
Look, I'm the smart one,

445
00:16:11,932 --> 00:16:13,398
Winston's the silly one,

446
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,500
Coach is the sports one,
and you're the cute one.

447
00:16:15,502 --> 00:16:16,935
Well, if I were so cute,

448
00:16:16,937 --> 00:16:18,337
then how come I can't find
anyone to love?

449
00:16:18,339 --> 00:16:20,005
'Cause you're
aiming too low.

450
00:16:20,007 --> 00:16:22,774
Nick, my man, you don't
find diamonds underground.

451
00:16:22,776 --> 00:16:25,344
That's exactly where
you find diamonds, Winston.

452
00:16:25,346 --> 00:16:26,678
Let's...
can we not...

453
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,947
This is not
about gems, okay?

454
00:16:28,949 --> 00:16:31,183
This is about Nick
valuing himself

455
00:16:31,185 --> 00:16:32,918
enough to aim
for the top.

456
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,587
Now, I-I've been to the top
of the mountain, with Cece,

457
00:16:35,589 --> 00:16:37,089
and it was glorious
up there.

458
00:16:37,091 --> 00:16:39,291
And you know, one of these
days— could be tomorrow—

459
00:16:39,293 --> 00:16:40,826
I'm gonna be
a millionaire.

460
00:16:41,594 --> 00:16:42,961
If I don't have Cece,

461
00:16:42,963 --> 00:16:44,429
then what do I have?

462
00:16:44,431 --> 00:16:46,431
You got a million dollars.

463
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:48,633
If I'm being honest,
you guys, uh...

464
00:16:48,635 --> 00:16:50,302
I'm worried about being a cop.

465
00:16:51,939 --> 00:16:53,839
really bad and then it...

466
00:16:53,841 --> 00:16:55,207
it changes me?

467
00:16:55,209 --> 00:16:57,442
You know, it makes me
lose my faith

468
00:16:57,444 --> 00:16:59,177
and then I become really bad?

469
00:17:01,114 --> 00:17:02,948
You guys really think
I'm the cute one?

470
00:17:02,950 --> 00:17:04,616
You know
what's not cute?

471
00:17:04,618 --> 00:17:06,351
Pretending that you don't
know that you are.

472
00:17:06,353 --> 00:17:07,452
Schmidt, this sangria

473
00:17:07,454 --> 00:17:08,553
is just delicious.

474
00:17:08,555 --> 00:17:09,454
Thanks, man.

475
00:17:09,456 --> 00:17:10,722
I'm jealous of that

476
00:17:10,724 --> 00:17:11,957
little orange in there.

477
00:17:11,959 --> 00:17:13,191
It gets to just drink

478
00:17:13,193 --> 00:17:14,626
all the sangria it wants.

479
00:17:14,628 --> 00:17:16,328
Yeah. I'm
probably gonna...

480
00:17:16,330 --> 00:17:19,631
I'm gonna eat the orange, too.

481
00:17:19,633 --> 00:17:22,234
Guys' Night.
Guys' Night!

482
00:17:25,472 --> 00:17:27,305
It's like instant
world music.

483
00:17:30,844 --> 00:17:32,744
Wait, shh.
- Why "shh"?

484
00:17:32,746 --> 00:17:34,246
I think he's finally...

485
00:17:36,150 --> 00:17:37,682
asleep.
- Asleep.

486
00:17:40,487 --> 00:17:41,319
Cheers.

487
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:43,021
Chin-chin.

488
00:17:43,023 --> 00:17:44,723
Um...

489
00:17:44,725 --> 00:17:45,991
Hey...

490
00:17:45,993 --> 00:17:48,393
I'm sorry.

491
00:17:48,395 --> 00:17:50,695
I was a little bit
of a jerk to you earlier.

492
00:17:50,697 --> 00:17:51,930
No, it's fine.

493
00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:53,698
I'm used to jerks.

494
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:55,167
I used to work in finance.

495
00:17:55,169 --> 00:17:56,902
Oh! Finance!

496
00:17:56,904 --> 00:17:58,070
Mm-hmm.
- Really?

497
00:17:58,072 --> 00:17:59,404
Why did you leave?

498
00:18:01,874 --> 00:18:03,575
I know this sounds silly,
but I realized

499
00:18:03,577 --> 00:18:05,911
that the only time
I'd been really happy in my life

500
00:18:05,913 --> 00:18:08,613
was teaching my little sister
how to read.

501
00:18:08,615 --> 00:18:10,849
She suffers from
crippling dyslexia.

502
00:18:10,851 --> 00:18:12,417
Oh, God!
- What?

503
00:18:12,419 --> 00:18:14,586
You're just...
so perfect.

504
00:18:14,588 --> 00:18:15,854
Well, it's more common
than you might think.

505
00:18:15,856 --> 00:18:17,756
No, you're like the
most perfect person

506
00:18:17,758 --> 00:18:19,424
I've ever met.
And it's like

507
00:18:19,426 --> 00:18:20,725
you're an angel
who's been

508
00:18:20,727 --> 00:18:22,394
sent down to the
Earth, like...

509
00:18:22,396 --> 00:18:24,062
have you ever seen the movie
The Preacher's Wife?

510
00:18:24,064 --> 00:18:27,799
Anyway, I just have this
big, stupid crush on you.

511
00:18:31,871 --> 00:18:34,639
I...

512
00:18:34,641 --> 00:18:36,775
didn't say that.

513
00:18:36,777 --> 00:18:38,477
No, it's fine. It's-it's... no.
Shouldn't have
said... No.

514
00:18:38,479 --> 00:18:39,444
I shouldn't
have said that.

515
00:18:39,446 --> 00:18:41,079
I'm sorry,
um...
- I need a bucket.

516
00:18:41,081 --> 00:18:42,614
Now!

517
00:18:42,616 --> 00:18:43,748
Um, you
should go.
I need a bucket!

518
00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:44,783
- Just go.

519
00:18:44,785 --> 00:18:45,817
No, let me help, please.
Let me help.

520
00:18:45,819 --> 00:18:47,119
No, just go,
just go, just go.

521
00:18:47,121 --> 00:18:49,154
Ugh, gettin' the mouth sweats.

522
00:18:49,156 --> 00:18:50,989
Oh, I need
a bucket!
- Just go.

523
00:18:50,991 --> 00:18:52,924
Just go. Just go.
Okay.

524
00:18:52,926 --> 00:18:55,794
Why is there ice in here?

525
00:18:55,796 --> 00:18:57,729
More room...

526
00:18:57,731 --> 00:18:58,964
for what's
about to happen.

527
00:18:58,966 --> 00:19:02,734
Oh, God.
- Oh, my God!

528
00:19:05,938 --> 00:19:08,273
When I get home
I'm hitting the books.

529
00:19:08,275 --> 00:19:09,441
I am going to crush health.

530
00:19:09,443 --> 00:19:11,610
Yeah, you are.
- Yeah.

531
00:19:11,612 --> 00:19:12,844
Ned!

532
00:19:12,846 --> 00:19:14,179
Let me get his contact
before we leave.

533
00:19:14,181 --> 00:19:16,681
What?
- Ned!
I need details, bro!

534
00:19:16,683 --> 00:19:19,151
Hey, man. Am I gonna
get your e-mail?

535
00:19:21,021 --> 00:19:22,687
Let's do it,
let's do it.
- Yeah.

536
00:19:22,689 --> 00:19:25,290
It's therealned8
@guhmail.com.

537
00:19:25,292 --> 00:19:26,858
At guhmail...
you mean Gmail?

538
00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:28,660
Oh, is that
how you say it?

539
00:19:29,662 --> 00:19:31,696
Um...

540
00:19:32,365 --> 00:19:33,498
Good morning.

541
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:34,699
Good morning.

542
00:19:34,701 --> 00:19:37,335
Can I, um... talk
to you about last night?

543
00:19:37,337 --> 00:19:39,371
No, I want to talk
to you about last night,

544
00:19:39,373 --> 00:19:41,473
because I said some things, um,

545
00:19:41,475 --> 00:19:44,876
that don't reflect how
I really feel about you.

546
00:19:44,878 --> 00:19:46,144
Um...

547
00:19:46,146 --> 00:19:47,812
so I'd really appreciate it

548
00:19:47,814 --> 00:19:50,182
if you could strike them
from the record.

549
00:19:51,184 --> 00:19:53,385
It was the conference talking,
not me.

550
00:19:53,387 --> 00:19:55,487
Consider them struck.

551
00:19:55,489 --> 00:19:57,022
Thank you.

552
00:19:57,024 --> 00:19:59,357
Enjoy your
Thanksgiving vacation.

553
00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:00,892
It's, uh, an American holiday

554
00:20:00,894 --> 00:20:03,061
where we celebrate
the fact that we...

555
00:20:03,063 --> 00:20:06,131
didn't know how to farm
by ourselves.

556
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:08,300
Are you curious to know

557
00:20:08,302 --> 00:20:10,402
how I really feel about you?

558
00:20:10,404 --> 00:20:11,836
No.
- Because if you were

559
00:20:11,838 --> 00:20:14,139
interested,
I'd tell you that

560
00:20:14,141 --> 00:20:15,674
I won't enjoy my Thanksgiving

561
00:20:15,676 --> 00:20:17,542
because I won't get
to see you every day.

562
00:20:17,544 --> 00:20:20,345
I think you're
beautiful

563
00:20:20,347 --> 00:20:21,813
and totally insane,

564
00:20:21,815 --> 00:20:23,148
and when I'm at work,

565
00:20:23,150 --> 00:20:24,382
I can't focus,

566
00:20:24,384 --> 00:20:25,517
because I can't get you

567
00:20:25,519 --> 00:20:26,718
out of my head.

568
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,560
Hey.

569
00:20:35,562 --> 00:20:37,729
Hey, uh, you guys
want to stop

570
00:20:37,731 --> 00:20:39,431
on the way home and
get some pancakes?

571
00:20:39,433 --> 00:20:41,333
Hey, what do you call
them in England?

572
00:20:41,335 --> 00:20:42,400
Roundy-yums.

573
00:20:42,402 --> 00:20:44,436
Really?
- No.

574
00:20:44,438 --> 00:20:46,471
See you after the holidays.

575
00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:50,842
Oh, boy.

576
00:20:50,844 --> 00:20:52,811
You didn't see anything!

577
00:20:56,249 --> 00:20:58,683
Where'd your lipstick go?

578
00:20:58,685 --> 00:21:00,218
Hit 'em! Hit 'em!
- From
the back.

579
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:01,553
Hit 'em!
- Ugh!

580
00:21:01,555 --> 00:21:03,755
It smells terrible in here!

581
00:21:03,757 --> 00:21:05,857
How many beers
did you guys drink?

582
00:21:05,859 --> 00:21:07,792
So much.
- Beer, beer!
Lots of beer.

583
00:21:07,794 --> 00:21:09,060
Just a lot
of beer.

584
00:21:09,062 --> 00:21:10,195
That's how
beer smells.
- So many beers.

585
00:21:11,231 --> 00:21:12,297
Smells like sangria.

586
00:21:12,299 --> 00:21:13,632
That must be the perfume

587
00:21:13,634 --> 00:21:15,233
from all the ladies
we hooked up with. Yeah.

588
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:16,568
Mm-hmm.
- They were all
Spaniards.

589
00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:17,769
Mine was named

590
00:21:17,771 --> 00:21:19,137
Señorita Lucinda
Madrid.

591
00:21:19,139 --> 00:21:20,438
Say, how was the conference?

592
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,073
It was just... a stupid...

593
00:21:22,075 --> 00:21:23,608
conference...

594
00:21:26,746 --> 00:21:28,546
So she finally
hooked up with Ryan.

595
00:21:28,548 --> 00:21:31,082
He put his teeth
behind her teeth.

596
00:21:31,084 --> 00:21:33,818
Aah!

597
00:21:36,957 --> 00:21:40,725
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God...

598
00:21:51,804 --> 00:21:54,773
What the hell did you guys
do to my blanket?

599
00:21:54,775 --> 00:21:57,809
Captioned by
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