1 00:00:18,545 --> 00:00:20,680 Hey, hey, hey. Scoot down, scoot down. 2 00:00:20,682 --> 00:00:23,149 Nick, what are you doing? - What are you doing? 3 00:00:23,151 --> 00:00:24,851 Sorry, just scoot down. I need to iron this shirt 4 00:00:24,853 --> 00:00:26,686 that I'm wearing for my date with Tran's granddaughter. 5 00:00:26,688 --> 00:00:28,855 It's either this or the turtleneck 6 00:00:28,857 --> 00:00:30,056 my mother bought me in 2009. 7 00:00:30,058 --> 00:00:31,524 They're my only clean shirts. 8 00:00:31,526 --> 00:00:33,192 The short-sleeved turtleneck? Don't do that. 9 00:00:33,194 --> 00:00:34,794 Okay, look, we need this whole table 10 00:00:34,796 --> 00:00:37,296 for Nadia's baby shower, all right? So, move along. 11 00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:39,365 Nadia— isn't that the Russian chick who broke, uh, 12 00:00:39,367 --> 00:00:40,299 Schmidt's, uh... 13 00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:41,334 Will to live? 14 00:00:41,336 --> 00:00:43,002 After she broke my penis? 15 00:00:44,572 --> 00:00:46,305 Who saw her and thought, 16 00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:48,908 "That's the woman I want to be the mother of my children"? 17 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:52,145 She's not sure. - Yeah, she calls it her little "sex party miracle." 18 00:00:52,147 --> 00:00:53,813 Do you have to iron here? 19 00:00:53,815 --> 00:00:55,314 It's the only flat surface! 20 00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,050 Besides Winston's desk— but he's using it 21 00:00:57,052 --> 00:00:59,052 to study for his police academy test, 22 00:00:59,054 --> 00:01:01,154 and he is "not to be disturbed." 23 00:01:08,595 --> 00:01:10,763 Not enough, not enough. 24 00:01:10,765 --> 00:01:12,765 There's an ironing board in the bathroom. 25 00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:15,868 I know, but I've been using that to wedge it between two urinals 26 00:01:15,870 --> 00:01:17,537 to keep Schmidt from peeking. 27 00:01:17,539 --> 00:01:19,105 But fine, I'll use that! 28 00:01:19,107 --> 00:01:21,340 Coach! Coach! 29 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:24,577 My Charlie Rose episodes, all 18 of them, are gone. 30 00:01:24,579 --> 00:01:25,778 DVR is chockablock filled with 31 00:01:25,780 --> 00:01:27,947 American football matches, which, 32 00:01:27,949 --> 00:01:29,682 by the way, is a garbage... Oh! 33 00:01:31,185 --> 00:01:32,785 We cool? 34 00:01:32,787 --> 00:01:35,088 Yeah, we cool. - Cool. 35 00:01:35,090 --> 00:01:36,355 What the hell just happened? 36 00:01:36,357 --> 00:01:37,690 Fight. - Yeah. Now it's over. 37 00:01:37,692 --> 00:01:39,258 I barely even remember it. 38 00:01:39,260 --> 00:01:41,427 I cannot believe you guys handle things that way. 39 00:01:41,429 --> 00:01:44,130 I'm starting to think that neither one of you read 40 00:01:44,132 --> 00:01:46,699 the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas. 41 00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:49,035 I'm so glad we don't fight. 42 00:01:49,037 --> 00:01:51,037 I know. - Oh, please. Women fight. 43 00:01:51,039 --> 00:01:52,972 Well, we occasionally get into a little thing. 44 00:01:52,974 --> 00:01:55,108 Yeah, I mean, like we just had that thing with the purse— 45 00:01:55,110 --> 00:01:57,143 but that was, like, barely even a thing. - Yeah. 46 00:01:57,145 --> 00:01:59,612 That was nothing— I mean, there's no point in even talking about it. 47 00:01:59,614 --> 00:02:01,247 Oh. - Oh. 48 00:02:01,249 --> 00:02:03,249 Oh. - No, you should have that. 49 00:02:03,251 --> 00:02:05,251 No, you should have it. No, you take it. 50 00:02:05,253 --> 00:02:06,486 No, you take it. No, you take it. 51 00:02:06,488 --> 00:02:08,488 I want you to take it. No. Take it. 52 00:02:08,490 --> 00:02:09,922 Look, I want you to have it 53 00:02:09,924 --> 00:02:11,324 'cause it would look good on you. 54 00:02:11,326 --> 00:02:13,126 No, it's made for you. You... No. 55 00:02:14,495 --> 00:02:17,163 But then we both decided that it was better 56 00:02:17,165 --> 00:02:18,898 if neither one of us bought it. 57 00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:20,733 Yep. - The neon yellow purse? 58 00:02:20,735 --> 00:02:22,401 With the strap? Yeah, I've seen that. 59 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,703 It's in your closet. 60 00:02:24,738 --> 00:02:25,771 I wonder how many rubber duckies 61 00:02:25,773 --> 00:02:27,807 needed to die to make that thing. 62 00:02:27,809 --> 00:02:29,275 Uh, Schmidt, you don't know what you're talking about. 63 00:02:29,277 --> 00:02:30,943 I got to run. 64 00:02:30,945 --> 00:02:32,612 Oh... - What? 65 00:02:32,614 --> 00:02:34,413 Thank you so much for helping with the baby shower. 66 00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,249 You know, you are just the best. No, you're the best. 67 00:02:36,251 --> 00:02:38,618 Whoa. - Did I tell you I love your top, by the way? 68 00:02:38,620 --> 00:02:40,520 No. Oh, I just found this in the back of my closet. What's... what's happening? 69 00:02:40,522 --> 00:02:42,021 You said too much. 70 00:02:42,023 --> 00:02:43,623 So, I'll call you later? Definitely. 71 00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:45,825 Okay. Bye! - Bye! 72 00:02:50,999 --> 00:02:53,299 Oh, my God! 73 00:02:53,301 --> 00:02:55,801 What just happened? 74 00:02:55,803 --> 00:02:58,337 That's a girl fight. 75 00:03:05,612 --> 00:03:06,879 Schmidt, stay out of it, man. 76 00:03:06,881 --> 00:03:08,047 Girl fights are dangerous, okay? 77 00:03:08,049 --> 00:03:09,549 I grew up with three sisters, 78 00:03:09,551 --> 00:03:11,517 and I wore a cup until I was 14 years old. 79 00:03:11,519 --> 00:03:13,152 What's wrong? 80 00:03:13,154 --> 00:03:15,655 They planned to wear braids and bows and didn't tell me 81 00:03:15,657 --> 00:03:17,123 on purpose. 82 00:03:17,125 --> 00:03:19,926 There. Now you match. 83 00:03:27,367 --> 00:03:29,368 Well, congratulations on having sisters, 84 00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:31,370 but I know women. You blindfold me, 85 00:03:31,372 --> 00:03:33,673 spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm, 86 00:03:33,675 --> 00:03:35,174 and I'll still find the G-spot. 87 00:03:35,176 --> 00:03:36,909 Schmidt... Let us not forget that I had boobs 88 00:03:36,911 --> 00:03:38,911 for the first 19 years of my life. 89 00:03:38,913 --> 00:03:40,880 I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner. 90 00:03:40,882 --> 00:03:42,882 You can't buy that kind of access. 91 00:03:42,884 --> 00:03:44,684 Schmidt, I'm talking about how women act towards other women. 92 00:03:44,686 --> 00:03:46,552 You don't want to get in the middle of that. - Coach... 93 00:03:46,554 --> 00:03:48,254 Jess has the purse. I saw it in her closet 94 00:03:48,256 --> 00:03:50,156 when it was rainy and I was bored 95 00:03:50,158 --> 00:03:51,891 and I was feeling snoopy. 96 00:03:51,893 --> 00:03:53,226 No, no, no... See? 97 00:03:53,228 --> 00:03:54,894 Look— the purse. 98 00:03:54,896 --> 00:03:56,929 In the immortal words of Tag Team, "Whoop. There it is." 99 00:03:56,931 --> 00:03:59,832 Fine. I went back and I bought the purse, 100 00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:01,367 'cause I love it. 101 00:04:01,369 --> 00:04:04,337 I love purses. 102 00:04:04,339 --> 00:04:06,339 And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either. 103 00:04:06,341 --> 00:04:08,341 I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. 104 00:04:08,343 --> 00:04:11,010 Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? 105 00:04:11,012 --> 00:04:13,012 In a purse, that's where. 106 00:04:13,014 --> 00:04:15,114 Lena Dunham. 107 00:04:15,116 --> 00:04:17,216 I don't know. I... 108 00:04:17,218 --> 00:04:19,418 Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize. 109 00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:21,754 Cece and I have been friends for 20 years. 110 00:04:21,756 --> 00:04:25,091 Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people. 111 00:04:25,093 --> 00:04:26,559 We never confront anything. 112 00:04:26,561 --> 00:04:29,028 That's the way it works with us. It always has. 113 00:04:29,030 --> 00:04:30,396 Hi. 114 00:04:30,398 --> 00:04:31,931 Hi. 115 00:04:35,736 --> 00:04:38,070 And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had. 116 00:04:38,072 --> 00:04:39,772 And if I bring up the purse, 117 00:04:39,774 --> 00:04:41,474 then everything else comes up with it. 118 00:04:41,476 --> 00:04:42,742 Too many things have happened. 119 00:04:42,744 --> 00:04:44,810 Women have amazing memories. 120 00:04:44,812 --> 00:04:46,646 Because we used to be the gatherers, 121 00:04:46,648 --> 00:04:48,047 and so we had to remember 122 00:04:48,049 --> 00:04:50,249 where all the best berries were hidden. 123 00:04:50,251 --> 00:04:51,651 And Cece and I, 124 00:04:51,653 --> 00:04:55,955 we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains. 125 00:04:55,957 --> 00:04:57,456 Colorado, Kansas, 126 00:04:57,458 --> 00:04:58,724 Montana, 127 00:04:58,726 --> 00:05:01,060 Nebraska— need I say more? 128 00:05:01,062 --> 00:05:02,261 Coach gets it. 129 00:05:02,263 --> 00:05:03,796 See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine, 130 00:05:03,798 --> 00:05:05,765 'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does. 131 00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:06,832 We're not gonna talk for three days, 132 00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:08,000 and then I'll surprise her 133 00:05:08,002 --> 00:05:09,635 with a latte. And then we'll act 134 00:05:09,637 --> 00:05:11,237 like nothing happened. Three days without Cece? 135 00:05:11,239 --> 00:05:12,738 Do I have to spend three days without Cece? 136 00:05:12,740 --> 00:05:14,674 Yes. I don't trust you around her. 137 00:05:14,676 --> 00:05:16,676 She makes you weak and penis-dumb. 138 00:05:16,678 --> 00:05:18,577 Three days without Cece? Why don't you just 139 00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:21,614 replace my shoes with bags and turn me into a lunatic? 140 00:05:21,616 --> 00:05:23,816 Stay out of it, man. Stay the hell out of it, bro. 141 00:05:23,818 --> 00:05:25,851 Here's a different take: Why don't I spend more time with her? 142 00:05:25,853 --> 00:05:27,653 Stay out of it. - I'm confused. 143 00:05:27,655 --> 00:05:29,588 Now, should I... Are you asking me 144 00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:33,459 to spend more time with her or stay out of it? 145 00:05:33,461 --> 00:05:35,661 Like, for real? 146 00:05:43,137 --> 00:05:45,504 I hate this. I hate first dates. 147 00:05:45,506 --> 00:05:46,806 Me, too. - I hate all... 148 00:05:46,808 --> 00:05:48,107 I hate the second ones and the third ones 149 00:05:48,109 --> 00:05:49,041 and the fourth ones. Me, too. Yeah. Yeah. 150 00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:50,710 I hate dates. - Mm-hmm. 151 00:05:50,712 --> 00:05:51,944 Yeah. The first ones are the worst. 152 00:05:51,946 --> 00:05:53,546 Yeah. 153 00:05:53,548 --> 00:05:55,214 This is terrible. They're terrible. They're awkward. 154 00:05:55,216 --> 00:05:57,049 I feel like I'm being weird. You're not being weird. 155 00:05:57,051 --> 00:05:58,284 Yeah, I am. - I'm the weirdo. 156 00:05:58,286 --> 00:06:00,619 I wanted to do this all night. 157 00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:01,821 Oh. 158 00:06:01,823 --> 00:06:04,357 That is so stupid. 159 00:06:04,359 --> 00:06:06,359 I hated that I did it. 160 00:06:06,361 --> 00:06:08,060 I feel like I'm being weird, too. 161 00:06:08,062 --> 00:06:10,162 How? I don't know how. Just... 162 00:06:10,164 --> 00:06:11,497 Well, now you are. 163 00:06:11,499 --> 00:06:13,232 These sweaters. I got sweater shoulder. 164 00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:14,900 Now... when you do that, it's very weird. 165 00:06:14,902 --> 00:06:16,168 But before, it wasn't. 166 00:06:16,170 --> 00:06:17,703 Just don't do sweater shoulder. 167 00:06:17,705 --> 00:06:20,039 Please don't tell Tran how bad this is going. 168 00:06:20,041 --> 00:06:21,307 Oh, I will. 169 00:06:21,309 --> 00:06:22,742 Don't. It'll be so embarrassing. 170 00:06:22,744 --> 00:06:24,810 Yeah. He's probably my best friend. 171 00:06:24,812 --> 00:06:26,512 Really? Yes. 172 00:06:26,514 --> 00:06:28,147 You're not his best friend. 173 00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:32,385 That's a terrible thing to say. 174 00:06:32,387 --> 00:06:33,919 It's true. 175 00:06:33,921 --> 00:06:36,722 This is going great. Oh, God, I hate this. 176 00:06:36,724 --> 00:06:40,359 I just want to sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot. 177 00:06:40,361 --> 00:06:41,494 That's hot to me. 178 00:06:41,496 --> 00:06:42,828 You add some sweatpants 179 00:06:42,830 --> 00:06:44,330 to that, and that is better than porn. 180 00:06:44,332 --> 00:06:46,332 I love porn. 181 00:06:46,334 --> 00:06:50,503 But I like to mute it and come up with my own voices, like, 182 00:06:50,505 --> 00:06:52,872 "Hey, that's a very interesting mesh cat suit." 183 00:06:52,874 --> 00:06:55,508 (high-"Thank you. It used to be my grandmother's." 184 00:06:55,510 --> 00:06:57,443 - Something like that. 185 00:06:57,445 --> 00:06:58,944 Cheers. 186 00:06:58,946 --> 00:07:00,146 Yeah. 187 00:07:00,947 --> 00:07:02,515 That was a weird cheers! 188 00:07:02,517 --> 00:07:04,016 Can we go? 189 00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:07,119 Yes. Let's get out of here. This sucks! 190 00:07:10,391 --> 00:07:11,791 So cute. 191 00:07:11,793 --> 00:07:14,093 Yeah, it's like they're made for each other. 192 00:07:18,265 --> 00:07:20,766 They haven't moved in three days. - Very weird. 193 00:07:20,768 --> 00:07:22,435 Alarming, even. 194 00:07:22,437 --> 00:07:24,770 Wait, doesn't she work or...? 195 00:07:24,772 --> 00:07:26,238 Shouldn't you be studying? 196 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:27,406 Or live somewhere? 197 00:07:27,408 --> 00:07:28,741 Shouldn't you be studying? 198 00:07:28,743 --> 00:07:31,243 Or have worried loved ones? - Studying? 199 00:07:31,245 --> 00:07:32,912 Coach, this is gonna take some serious 200 00:07:32,914 --> 00:07:34,880 investigative police skills. 201 00:07:34,882 --> 00:07:37,216 But I'm onto her. 202 00:07:37,218 --> 00:07:39,151 I didn't know girls could be so slovenly. 203 00:07:39,153 --> 00:07:40,419 I did. I have sisters. 204 00:07:40,421 --> 00:07:41,487 Oh, my God, we know. 205 00:07:42,557 --> 00:07:45,825 We cool? We cool. 206 00:07:48,261 --> 00:07:50,496 Oh. Just who I was looking for. 207 00:07:50,498 --> 00:07:52,832 Hey. - How would you like a piping hot latte? 208 00:07:52,834 --> 00:07:54,900 Thanks, Jess, but, you know, I, um... 209 00:07:54,902 --> 00:07:57,136 I can buy my own. 210 00:08:06,513 --> 00:08:08,214 What did you do? 211 00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:12,518 Is this about the socks? 212 00:08:15,789 --> 00:08:17,256 You weren't supposed to talk to Cece. What happened? 213 00:08:17,258 --> 00:08:18,624 Well, I had to see her. 214 00:08:18,626 --> 00:08:20,493 I can't go three days without seeing Cece. 215 00:08:20,495 --> 00:08:22,995 And it went just like you said it would. 216 00:08:24,197 --> 00:08:25,698 I'm gonna go get the purse. 217 00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:27,132 She played me like John Popper plays that 218 00:08:27,134 --> 00:08:28,501 little harmonica and fiddle thing. 219 00:08:28,503 --> 00:08:30,202 Ugh! She's like a robot scientist. 220 00:08:30,204 --> 00:08:32,371 And you're like a damn robot. 221 00:08:32,373 --> 00:08:35,107 And usually it's cute, except when you're robbing me. 222 00:08:35,109 --> 00:08:37,676 Jess, I'm sorry. So... What-What happens now? 223 00:08:37,678 --> 00:08:39,778 You bring her another coffee and you guys make up? 224 00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,514 I don't know what happens now. 225 00:08:41,516 --> 00:08:44,149 We're in unchartered territory 'cause you got involved. 226 00:08:44,151 --> 00:08:45,384 We're entering the abyss. 227 00:08:45,386 --> 00:08:46,719 It's like the month I decided 228 00:08:46,721 --> 00:08:49,321 not to wear a bra. Those were dark times. 229 00:08:49,323 --> 00:08:51,891 I had no support. Literally no support. 230 00:08:56,497 --> 00:08:59,398 Cece just texted me a smiley face. - Is that bad? 231 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,468 No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face. 232 00:09:02,470 --> 00:09:05,204 I'm gonna text her a yellow heart. 233 00:09:05,206 --> 00:09:08,574 No, uh, yellow heart, whale, 234 00:09:08,576 --> 00:09:10,543 thumbs up. 235 00:09:10,545 --> 00:09:12,378 Well, that seems nice. 236 00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:15,881 How dare she? Chinese man, ballerina, apartment building? 237 00:09:15,883 --> 00:09:16,916 What does that mean? - Fine! 238 00:09:16,918 --> 00:09:18,817 Poop. Turban guy. Granny. 239 00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,586 Don't text her poop. 240 00:09:20,588 --> 00:09:23,522 Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine. 241 00:09:23,524 --> 00:09:25,057 Slice of cake. Turtle. 242 00:09:25,059 --> 00:09:26,225 Don't sen... Oh. 243 00:09:26,227 --> 00:09:28,460 Double syringe? 244 00:09:32,832 --> 00:09:34,366 Double syringe. 245 00:09:34,368 --> 00:09:35,601 You're right, Schmidt. 246 00:09:35,603 --> 00:09:38,571 Maybe it's time to dig up some berries. 247 00:09:38,573 --> 00:09:42,007 The gatherers have become the hunters. 248 00:09:42,009 --> 00:09:44,076 Be well. 249 00:09:45,111 --> 00:09:46,912 Wh-Where are you... Where are going? 250 00:09:46,914 --> 00:09:49,014 L-Leave those berries be. 251 00:09:49,016 --> 00:09:50,849 Republican or Democrat? West Wing. 252 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,284 What's your favorite thing about America? 253 00:09:52,286 --> 00:09:54,453 Kentucky women. Favorite part of The Rock? 254 00:09:54,455 --> 00:09:56,889 "Welcome to the Rock." Gorilla or monkey? 255 00:09:56,891 --> 00:09:59,191 Gorilla, hands down. Miranda or Carrie? 256 00:09:59,193 --> 00:10:01,093 Gorilla. - That's 100% perfect. 257 00:10:01,095 --> 00:10:02,528 Un-Unbelievable. - Thank you. 258 00:10:02,530 --> 00:10:04,396 The battery in the remote control is 259 00:10:04,398 --> 00:10:06,465 getting a little jumpy. I'm gonna go grab one 260 00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:07,700 out of the smoke detector. 261 00:10:07,702 --> 00:10:09,702 That's exactly where I get them. 262 00:10:09,704 --> 00:10:12,071 Isn't she perfect? 263 00:10:12,073 --> 00:10:13,973 In a word: No. 264 00:10:13,975 --> 00:10:15,941 Nick, you might want to sit down for this. 265 00:10:15,943 --> 00:10:17,309 I'm already sitting. - Okay. 266 00:10:17,311 --> 00:10:20,045 Well, look, I put together a profile. 267 00:10:20,047 --> 00:10:21,146 Vague about where she lives. 268 00:10:21,148 --> 00:10:23,048 Okay. - No mention of a job. 269 00:10:23,050 --> 00:10:24,717 Always lets you pay. 270 00:10:24,719 --> 00:10:27,152 Nick, my man, as unbelievable as this sounds, 271 00:10:27,154 --> 00:10:28,988 you're her sugar daddy. 272 00:10:28,990 --> 00:10:32,224 What kind of girl would want me as her sugar daddy? 273 00:10:32,226 --> 00:10:35,227 Only one kind: a homeless woman. 274 00:10:35,229 --> 00:10:36,962 Kai is not homeless. 275 00:10:36,964 --> 00:10:39,898 Nick, I have been watching her for days now, okay? 276 00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:41,667 She... She eats like she doesn't know 277 00:10:41,669 --> 00:10:43,268 where her next meal is coming from. 278 00:10:43,270 --> 00:10:45,738 She always dresses in layers, tons of layers. 279 00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:48,340 She's not homeless. Her grandfather is Tran. 280 00:10:48,342 --> 00:10:50,442 And where does he hang out? A park bench. 281 00:10:50,444 --> 00:10:52,511 I think you're having a nervous breakdown. 282 00:10:52,513 --> 00:10:54,446 I really do. 283 00:10:54,448 --> 00:10:57,016 You're nuts. You want to avoid studying so much 284 00:10:57,018 --> 00:11:00,452 that you're making up lies about my new lover friend. 285 00:11:00,454 --> 00:11:02,154 Just leave us alone. 286 00:11:03,790 --> 00:11:05,591 Maybe you should... maybe you should give her 287 00:11:05,593 --> 00:11:07,926 our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, 288 00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:09,628 but they can't open them cans. 289 00:11:09,630 --> 00:11:11,296 How are they gonna open the cans, Nick? 290 00:11:11,298 --> 00:11:12,631 Hey... 291 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:15,000 What are you... 292 00:11:15,002 --> 00:11:16,669 Do you want a blanket? 293 00:11:16,671 --> 00:11:20,272 I must have fallen asleep reading. 294 00:11:20,274 --> 00:11:22,675 Nap with me. - Okay. 295 00:11:22,677 --> 00:11:24,443 Come on. 296 00:11:28,515 --> 00:11:31,517 Just... gonna get some of these newspapers. 297 00:11:42,162 --> 00:11:43,896 It's actually kind of nice. 298 00:11:43,898 --> 00:11:45,864 See? 299 00:11:45,866 --> 00:11:48,567 More pink lemonade? 300 00:11:48,569 --> 00:11:50,903 I'm going to name baby... 301 00:11:50,905 --> 00:11:54,506 Baby, because it's funny. 302 00:11:58,344 --> 00:12:01,113 Where is top of baby cage? 303 00:12:02,482 --> 00:12:04,383 Double syringe? 304 00:12:04,385 --> 00:12:07,019 Hey, you. How's pee-pee? 305 00:12:07,021 --> 00:12:08,187 Oh, hello, Nadia. 306 00:12:08,189 --> 00:12:10,222 Coach, I need you. Jess and Cece 307 00:12:10,224 --> 00:12:12,091 are in a thing, and it is terrifying. 308 00:12:12,093 --> 00:12:14,660 I'm pretty busy, but, all right, hold on, let me 309 00:12:14,662 --> 00:12:16,662 put down the stuff I've been working on. 310 00:12:18,165 --> 00:12:19,698 Coach, 311 00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,567 I am at the baby shower. 312 00:12:21,569 --> 00:12:23,035 You're at the... What? 313 00:12:23,037 --> 00:12:24,369 Are you dumb? You're dumb. 314 00:12:24,371 --> 00:12:26,171 You're very dumb. Get out of there. 315 00:12:26,173 --> 00:12:27,873 I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. 316 00:12:27,875 --> 00:12:30,042 I thought I could fix this. I gave Cece the purse. 317 00:12:30,044 --> 00:12:31,276 Obviously, it was a mistake. 318 00:12:31,278 --> 00:12:32,578 Oh, God, look at them. 319 00:12:32,580 --> 00:12:33,946 They're like silent, angry 320 00:12:33,948 --> 00:12:36,415 statues right now— it's terrifying and als... 321 00:12:36,417 --> 00:12:38,083 Maybe a little erotic. 322 00:12:38,952 --> 00:12:40,385 Okay, fine, it's very erotic. 323 00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:42,020 You know what? Coach, I'm telling you— 324 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,689 I'm finding out that fear 325 00:12:43,691 --> 00:12:45,924 plays a big part in my sexuality. 326 00:12:45,926 --> 00:12:47,726 Schmidt, what happens when two passive-aggressive people 327 00:12:47,728 --> 00:12:49,128 start confronting each other? 328 00:12:49,130 --> 00:12:51,063 I don't know. What happens? Anything! 329 00:12:51,065 --> 00:12:53,198 Anything can happen! That's what I'm telling you! 330 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,900 Are you ready for anything to happen? 331 00:12:54,902 --> 00:12:56,735 Obviously not. That's why I'm calling you. 332 00:12:56,737 --> 00:12:59,905 Did you wash your hair? It looks really clean. 333 00:13:02,642 --> 00:13:03,976 I can help you end this. 334 00:13:03,978 --> 00:13:05,277 Do you know why? 335 00:13:05,279 --> 00:13:07,780 Do you know why? I'm waiting. 336 00:13:07,782 --> 00:13:10,115 Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters? 337 00:13:10,117 --> 00:13:12,584 It's because I have sisters! And you know what that means? 338 00:13:12,586 --> 00:13:14,086 And that you know more about women than me. 339 00:13:14,088 --> 00:13:15,654 I know more about women than you! 340 00:13:15,656 --> 00:13:16,622 And that I'm a little dumb-dumb. 341 00:13:16,624 --> 00:13:18,457 And I'm a big smart-smart. 342 00:13:18,459 --> 00:13:20,793 Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do. 343 00:13:20,795 --> 00:13:22,161 Get big like a bear. 344 00:13:22,163 --> 00:13:23,962 If that doesn't work, pee a circle 345 00:13:23,964 --> 00:13:25,898 around yourself and light it on fire. 346 00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:27,766 I peed before I came— I had a root beer with lunch. 347 00:13:27,768 --> 00:13:30,002 I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift? 348 00:13:30,004 --> 00:13:31,637 'Cause I don't want to be that guy. 349 00:13:31,639 --> 00:13:33,238 You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift? 350 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,973 Just get over here. All right, I'm coming. 351 00:13:34,975 --> 00:13:37,609 What? Coach! 352 00:13:37,611 --> 00:13:39,611 Coach, I can't turn the pages! 353 00:13:39,613 --> 00:13:42,147 How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages? 354 00:13:42,149 --> 00:13:43,916 Coach! 355 00:13:47,187 --> 00:13:48,954 Hey. 356 00:13:48,956 --> 00:13:51,023 - Great catch. 357 00:13:51,025 --> 00:13:52,991 Kai, I want to go to your place, okay? 358 00:13:52,993 --> 00:13:54,459 Wherever it is. 359 00:13:54,461 --> 00:13:56,762 So don't be afraid, because I'm not afraid. 360 00:13:56,764 --> 00:13:59,031 I know I'm living this rock star life, 361 00:13:59,033 --> 00:14:01,934 but I'm still a man of the people. 362 00:14:01,936 --> 00:14:04,469 But I'm so comfortable. You really want to go outside, 363 00:14:04,471 --> 00:14:07,272 get off this bed into the cold right now? 364 00:14:07,274 --> 00:14:09,174 Look, I like you for you, and... 365 00:14:09,176 --> 00:14:10,943 Well, hell, I just hope, deep down, 366 00:14:10,945 --> 00:14:12,377 you like me for me and not 367 00:14:12,379 --> 00:14:14,746 all the incredible stuff that I have. 368 00:14:15,849 --> 00:14:17,449 Huh? - I mean, this room— 369 00:14:17,451 --> 00:14:18,984 half this stuff is mine. 370 00:14:18,986 --> 00:14:21,220 I'm, like, I have enough pillowcases 371 00:14:21,222 --> 00:14:24,223 for all my pillows, plus an extra pillowcase 372 00:14:24,225 --> 00:14:25,858 that I don't even use. 373 00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:28,126 Ticket stubs to all the Bears games 374 00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,728 I've ever been to, except for one. 375 00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:31,463 The guitar pick from 376 00:14:31,465 --> 00:14:34,166 that guy who played with James Taylor that one night. 377 00:14:34,168 --> 00:14:36,134 A Frisbee that I'm currently 378 00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:38,136 storing on my neighbor's roof. 379 00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:39,638 You know, an autographed 380 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,541 Karate Kid II poster from Mr. Miyagi. 381 00:14:42,543 --> 00:14:44,643 R.I.P. - Hmm. 382 00:14:44,645 --> 00:14:46,478 But none of that matters. 383 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,147 I want to be with you, wherever you live. 384 00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,916 I mean, hell, I've been cooped up 385 00:14:50,918 --> 00:14:52,351 in this palace for long enough. 386 00:14:52,353 --> 00:14:55,754 Wow. Well, if it's that important. 387 00:14:58,092 --> 00:15:00,626 All right. Don't be nervous. 388 00:15:02,195 --> 00:15:04,997 You know what? I'm gonna bring some extra blankets. 389 00:15:04,999 --> 00:15:06,565 Okay. 390 00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:08,667 Okay, just in case it's freezing, 'cause it's outs... 391 00:15:08,669 --> 00:15:10,269 Okay. 392 00:15:10,271 --> 00:15:11,770 And then, 393 00:15:11,772 --> 00:15:14,439 you told Mike Hannamin I was on my period! 394 00:15:14,441 --> 00:15:17,409 He wanted to know why you were wearing sweatpants in the pool! 395 00:15:17,411 --> 00:15:19,678 Okay, I was defending you! 396 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,380 I have arrived! 397 00:15:21,382 --> 00:15:22,714 Ah, Mr. Stripper. 398 00:15:22,716 --> 00:15:24,082 Okay, so what's next, Jess? 399 00:15:24,084 --> 00:15:25,550 20 years of fights are happening right now. 400 00:15:25,552 --> 00:15:27,219 They're getting into everything. 401 00:15:27,221 --> 00:15:29,288 How I intentionally didn't put gas in your car 402 00:15:29,290 --> 00:15:31,056 on senior ditch day? You did. You did. 403 00:15:31,058 --> 00:15:32,858 I did not! - All right, ladies, stop it. 404 00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:35,794 I gave you the money, and you spent it on condoms and taffy. 405 00:15:35,796 --> 00:15:37,763 By the way, that sounds like a hell of a day. 406 00:15:37,765 --> 00:15:39,064 Well, I wouldn't know. 407 00:15:39,066 --> 00:15:40,866 I was stranded on a beach being a virgin! 408 00:15:40,868 --> 00:15:43,869 But that's not the only time I've been stranded, now, is it? 409 00:15:43,871 --> 00:15:45,070 I'm talking about Paris. Oh, this is about Paris! 410 00:15:45,072 --> 00:15:46,772 I'm talking about Paris. I knew it! 411 00:15:46,774 --> 00:15:49,808 We had signed a lease. That's an agreement. 412 00:15:49,810 --> 00:15:52,477 And then you decide to take a modeling job in Paris, 413 00:15:52,479 --> 00:15:54,646 so I had to move in with Spencer? 414 00:15:54,648 --> 00:15:57,149 While you were being squired about the Louvre, 415 00:15:57,151 --> 00:16:02,087 I was having to pee on top of Spencer's pee to conserve water! 416 00:16:02,089 --> 00:16:03,588 You know, it's called mud-sharking, by the way. 417 00:16:03,590 --> 00:16:05,424 It's not my fault! - Stop it! 418 00:16:05,426 --> 00:16:07,092 I'm bored. 419 00:16:07,094 --> 00:16:08,327 Here's what you guys are gonna do. 420 00:16:08,329 --> 00:16:09,428 You're gonna punch each other. 421 00:16:09,430 --> 00:16:10,762 Now I'm not bored. 422 00:16:10,764 --> 00:16:12,464 I'm not doing that. - What? 423 00:16:12,466 --> 00:16:14,433 I'm not doing that. Well, you got to do something. 424 00:16:14,435 --> 00:16:16,902 Man up, punch each other and end this. 425 00:16:16,904 --> 00:16:18,303 You got to have it out 426 00:16:18,305 --> 00:16:19,504 so you can get past this. 427 00:16:19,506 --> 00:16:21,139 Now I'm bored again. 428 00:16:21,141 --> 00:16:23,275 Punch each other! Now I'm not bored. 429 00:16:23,277 --> 00:16:24,343 Talk with your fist! 430 00:16:24,345 --> 00:16:27,245 I just want my... 431 00:16:28,949 --> 00:16:30,015 Oh, no! - My goodness! 432 00:16:30,017 --> 00:16:31,450 Back off! 433 00:16:33,754 --> 00:16:34,987 La-Ladies? - Oh! 434 00:16:34,989 --> 00:16:36,922 It's spreading. 435 00:16:36,924 --> 00:16:37,756 Stop it! 436 00:16:37,758 --> 00:16:39,191 Russian baby shower! 437 00:16:43,163 --> 00:16:45,163 Hey, hey, don't involve us, please. Whoa. Hey, guys, no! 438 00:16:45,165 --> 00:16:47,866 Break it up! Break it up! 439 00:16:47,868 --> 00:16:50,635 Baby shower! Baby shower, yeah! Baby shower! 440 00:16:50,637 --> 00:16:52,337 Oh, stop it! 441 00:16:52,339 --> 00:16:54,606 You stole my babysitter! 442 00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:58,677 What are you doing? 443 00:16:58,679 --> 00:16:59,878 I'm having a situation. 444 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,780 Oh, come on, dude. 445 00:17:01,782 --> 00:17:04,282 Get off! Fighting for no damn reason with me? 446 00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:07,819 Come on, just... lie down and take it like a woman! 447 00:17:07,821 --> 00:17:10,155 This is for Mike Hannamin. 448 00:17:12,659 --> 00:17:14,960 Baby kick! Baby like! 449 00:17:14,962 --> 00:17:16,361 Yay! 450 00:17:26,539 --> 00:17:28,373 Do I look pretty? 451 00:17:31,812 --> 00:17:33,412 Do you feel, like, really good right now? 452 00:17:33,414 --> 00:17:35,480 Yes! I thought I was crazy. 453 00:17:35,482 --> 00:17:37,249 No, you're not crazy. 454 00:17:37,251 --> 00:17:39,251 I think I... I think I wanted 455 00:17:39,253 --> 00:17:41,319 to punch you for a really long time. 456 00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:42,487 Felt that way. 457 00:17:42,489 --> 00:17:45,357 Like, maybe ten or 15 years. 458 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,092 And it feels so good 459 00:17:47,094 --> 00:17:49,761 that right now we don't have to talk everything through. 460 00:17:49,763 --> 00:17:51,263 Yeah. We can just punch it out. 461 00:17:51,265 --> 00:17:52,497 Oh, my God, I have missed you. 462 00:17:54,902 --> 00:17:56,735 I can't believe I've known you 20 years. 463 00:17:56,737 --> 00:18:00,472 And you're still my favorite person to talk to. 464 00:18:02,408 --> 00:18:04,943 And you're my favorite person to talk to. 465 00:18:05,745 --> 00:18:07,179 I hate not talking to you. 466 00:18:07,181 --> 00:18:08,880 I feel like I've missed everything! 467 00:18:08,882 --> 00:18:10,282 You did miss everything. 468 00:18:10,284 --> 00:18:11,416 So, does Nick have a girlfriend? 469 00:18:11,418 --> 00:18:13,351 Yes. So weird. - You okay? 470 00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:15,253 Yes. It's so weird. 471 00:18:15,255 --> 00:18:18,190 So, is Nadia going to raise the baby in your apartment? 472 00:18:18,192 --> 00:18:20,459 Yeah, we haven't really talked about that yet. 473 00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:22,761 You should. 474 00:18:25,032 --> 00:18:26,565 Craig Hodges. 475 00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:27,599 Oh! 476 00:18:30,604 --> 00:18:32,771 Hello. Nick. Nick, are you okay? 477 00:18:32,773 --> 00:18:34,473 Winston? Listen, listen, listen, Nick. 478 00:18:34,475 --> 00:18:35,807 Winston. Tell me everything. 479 00:18:35,809 --> 00:18:37,576 Winston, she's rich! 480 00:18:37,578 --> 00:18:38,743 Yeah, she founded some company 481 00:18:38,745 --> 00:18:41,146 that sells fancy water bottles 482 00:18:41,148 --> 00:18:44,216 to rich people to pay for digging wells in Africa. 483 00:18:44,218 --> 00:18:45,750 She sold the company, so now 484 00:18:45,752 --> 00:18:47,586 she works whenever she wants. 485 00:18:47,588 --> 00:18:49,287 It's a scam called consulting. 486 00:18:49,289 --> 00:18:50,755 You see, I knew it. 487 00:18:50,757 --> 00:18:52,491 I knew there was something weird. I was right! 488 00:18:52,493 --> 00:18:55,427 You were wrong about literally everything. 489 00:18:55,429 --> 00:18:57,329 But I knew there was gonna be a twist, though. 490 00:18:57,331 --> 00:18:59,297 Okay, do you realize how much time you've wasted, 491 00:18:59,299 --> 00:19:00,565 and you're not studying? 492 00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:04,169 Sweet Baby LeBron James, I screwed up. 493 00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,244 Hey, I should probably get going. 494 00:19:12,246 --> 00:19:13,812 I got to get to work. 495 00:19:13,814 --> 00:19:15,180 Yeah, it's karaoke night, 496 00:19:15,182 --> 00:19:16,681 so I got to get there early enough 497 00:19:16,683 --> 00:19:18,316 to break the karaoke machine. 498 00:19:18,318 --> 00:19:20,652 How much will you make tonight? 499 00:19:20,654 --> 00:19:23,522 Ah, it depends how much I drink, but probably about 140 bucks. 500 00:19:29,028 --> 00:19:30,662 What is this? 501 00:19:30,664 --> 00:19:34,499 I raise you to $200. 502 00:19:35,935 --> 00:19:38,436 Now you can stay. 503 00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:40,839 Deal! 504 00:19:40,841 --> 00:19:42,007 Oh. 505 00:19:42,009 --> 00:19:43,375 I'm like a boy hooker. 506 00:19:44,645 --> 00:19:46,111 Thank you. 507 00:19:46,113 --> 00:19:47,612 Are you crying? 508 00:19:48,648 --> 00:19:50,949 Don't look at me. 509 00:19:50,951 --> 00:19:52,817 I want to look pretty. You paid for it. 510 00:19:54,288 --> 00:19:56,188 Nadia is the one who broke my thing. 511 00:19:56,190 --> 00:19:57,556 Wait, you were serious about that? 512 00:19:57,558 --> 00:19:59,124 Yes. That was her. I'm telling you. 513 00:19:59,126 --> 00:20:01,126 She's going to have to childproof the corners 514 00:20:01,128 --> 00:20:03,328 of her cha-cha before that baby comes out. 515 00:20:03,330 --> 00:20:04,729 Oh, Cecilia. 516 00:20:04,731 --> 00:20:07,399 Thank goodness. Look at you. You're still pretty. 517 00:20:07,401 --> 00:20:08,400 And, Jess, you know, 518 00:20:08,402 --> 00:20:09,701 you-you look the same. 519 00:20:09,703 --> 00:20:10,902 I'm sorry about making you guys 520 00:20:10,904 --> 00:20:12,871 punch each other. - Don't be sorry. 521 00:20:12,873 --> 00:20:14,506 You're so right. - Mm. 522 00:20:14,508 --> 00:20:16,041 We've wasted so much time being passive-aggressive. 523 00:20:16,043 --> 00:20:17,876 We learned our lesson. - Yeah. 524 00:20:17,878 --> 00:20:20,212 Well, we're very smart. That means a lot. Thank you. 525 00:20:20,214 --> 00:20:21,880 Seriously, if you guys fought like girls, 526 00:20:21,882 --> 00:20:23,815 you'd still be arguing over the fact 527 00:20:23,817 --> 00:20:25,917 that you recorded football over your Charlie Rose episodes. 528 00:20:25,919 --> 00:20:28,220 It's all good, man. We're not though. 529 00:20:28,222 --> 00:20:30,021 Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt would be like, 530 00:20:30,023 --> 00:20:32,157 "Oh, does Coach just think I'm a pretentious poseur 531 00:20:32,159 --> 00:20:34,025 "who just records things to look smart 532 00:20:34,027 --> 00:20:36,895 "because deep down, I am just terrifyingly insecure 533 00:20:36,897 --> 00:20:38,563 about my intelligence?" 534 00:20:38,565 --> 00:20:40,498 Yeah, and girl Coach would be, like, 535 00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,434 "Does Schmidt think that I'm an uncultured meathead 536 00:20:42,436 --> 00:20:44,102 "who has to rewatch football 537 00:20:44,104 --> 00:20:46,671 because I'm afraid of showing anyone my softer side?" 538 00:20:53,579 --> 00:20:54,913 Hey, man. 539 00:20:54,915 --> 00:20:56,381 Oh, hey, Coach. - Aw, hey, you. 540 00:20:56,383 --> 00:20:57,749 That's nice. - Oh, this? 541 00:20:57,751 --> 00:20:59,384 I-I don't know. Thanks, I guess. 542 00:20:59,386 --> 00:21:01,453 I'm kind of whatever about it. - No. 543 00:21:01,455 --> 00:21:02,754 What do you got there? 544 00:21:02,756 --> 00:21:04,289 Oh, me? Uh, just some sneakers. 545 00:21:04,291 --> 00:21:05,690 I hope they're okay. 546 00:21:05,692 --> 00:21:07,459 I don't have an eye for things like you. 547 00:21:07,461 --> 00:21:09,961 Well, yeah, you do. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. 548 00:21:09,963 --> 00:21:11,763 Your eye is so good. - I'm sure they're great. 549 00:21:11,765 --> 00:21:14,065 I... - Not that you could look bad in anything really. 550 00:21:15,135 --> 00:21:17,202 Son of a... 551 00:21:17,204 --> 00:21:18,570 Thank you for that. 552 00:21:18,572 --> 00:21:20,438 Yeah, thanks, man. - Anytime. 553 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,540 We cool? - Yeah, we cool. 554 00:21:24,278 --> 00:21:26,278 Ooh, boy. 555 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,613 How many pages are in this thing? 556 00:21:28,615 --> 00:21:30,882 Darius Miles. Oh! 557 00:21:30,884 --> 00:21:32,917 Hmm. 558 00:21:32,919 --> 00:21:34,552 That's in there? 559 00:21:34,554 --> 00:21:36,454 Jordan. 560 00:21:36,456 --> 00:21:39,891 Massaging is illegal? 561 00:21:39,893 --> 00:21:41,993 What? 562 00:21:42,828 --> 00:21:44,996 Got to download a song. 563 00:21:49,735 --> 00:21:52,737 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org