What in the hell is around your neck?
This? It's a crystal charm, man.
Yeah, the guys at work gave it to me.
- Why? - Technically, it's "hazing,"
but, uh, I secretly love it.
That is the kind of crystal that should only rest
between a set of old bosoms.
Did that sound just come from your body?
- Hey! - Ha!
- Whoa, how long you two been here? - When was the last time you asked me that?
- Last Thursday. - So, at least Thursday.
What kind of lazy… holes…
Don't you know what -ing day it is?
For crying out loud…
- Glen, you should see a doctor. - My name is Schmidt.
I can't afford to miss work.
I'm sorry, Glen, but I'm with Kai on this one.
- Thanks, Wilfred. - You ain't good with names.
Oh, honey, you're all turned around.
- No, you are. - I think you are.
- I think you are. I'm gonna get you… - Stop.
- I've done some research. - Oh, how about a head's up, man?
Have I seen those glasses before?
I feel like I want to remember them.
I got these in seventh grade, and I love them. Stop asking questions.
All right, check it. So nerd Coach went to the library,
and some place that actually exists called the Hall of Documents.
- The downtown branch? - Mm-hmm.
- How's Kathleen's eye? - Oh, Kathleen's dead.
- What? - Yeah.
So, check it out, guys, this is all research.
You two don't have to date in secret anymore at school.
Yeah, it's all here in the Lipinski v. Platte County Unified School District.
Precedence for days!
- Wow. Wow, you did this for us? - No.
I just want to pat it. I just want to, like, frickin' pat it.
I want to nurse it.
- Yeah, I want to provide it with milk. - Huh.
I used to be the hot teacher.
Now you know how I felt when you turned up.
A miserable path awaits you.
So you want us to come out,
so that you can go back to hooking up with all the hot teachers?
Very much so. But I'm thinking about you guys, too.
I mean, wouldn't it be better if you didn't have to hide your relationship?
Yeah, you know what?
I think we should do this. I…
- We should do this. Let's stop hiding. - Yeah.
But, Jess, will this make things tricky for your work
and will it in turn make you distracted and preoccupied
- during our splishy-splashy? - Ugh.
- No, no, of course not. I won't let it. - Then let's do this.
- Yeah, let's. - Yes! We are coming out!
Cracking. I'm chuffed.
Dude, I do not get you.
I trust you, Miss Day.
Mostly because I do not want to read this.
- That's great! - Well…
- Yay! - I'm the easy one, dawg.
Seriously, it's the teachers you need to worry about. Especially you.
You tend to care what people think about you.
That's like saying a penguin "tends" to be cute.
It's all it does, bro.
So, good luck when the teachers present their field trip proposals.
If they catch a whiff of favoritism,
they are going to tear you apart like
like a beautiful baguette, you know what I mean?
When you… you're having dinner, and you just suddenly say,
"Hey, forget the bread knife. Let's just rip into this with our bare hands."
Ah, I love that.
Hey, what'd they say? What do you got? You can tell me, I can take it.
I don't know if I can take it if…
If you died, I'd be lost.
Just tell me, I'll be there for you. I'm big and strong.
- Is it cancer? - What's your problem?
Oh, Schmidty, you have cancer?
I can't watch you go through cancer, buddy, you're not strong enough.
What is wrong with you?
Your friend keeps forgetting his ulcer medication.
Ulcer medication?
He's lying, please.
Take him home, make sure he does nothing all day.
Look, I'm not doing nothing all day.
Can't take days off work…
My firm is wooing red potatoes, and I want that account.
Don't listen to that aggressive male nurse.
Wearing the same shoes as an old Russian woman.
It's not an ulcer, he's lying…
Yeah, that's your ulcer telling you to stop being a dick.
Before we begin our presentations,
in the spirit of full disclosure and transparency,
I have something to tell you.
Mr. Geauxinue and I are dating.
No, no, no.
- I just felt someone pass over my grave. - Right.
- I don't see a ring. - This is a total joke.
- Oh, you're joking. - There's none scenarios
that this is possible.
Ladies, I know you're upset, but you know what I do when I'm upset?
I hook up with me.
But I want to assure you
that this will not affect my judgment as vice principal.
Let's hear those field trip proposals! Where are we gonna take those kids, guys?
And you know what makes the water delicious?
Taking the poop out.
Hello, water treatment plant.
Okay, we're off to a rocky start.
They've got frickin' mini-golf. They've got frickin' Skee-Ball.
They've got frickin' bumper boats.
They've got frickin' go-carts.
- Is this you topless in the brochure? - It is, thank you.
Take a trip to historical Coach-town.
Lunch will be provided.
I don't eat yesterday's bread.
Yes, you do.
Is there a field trip in here somewhere?
I want to take the children on an interactive nature "experience."
Very hands-on.
With, uh,
"foll-ahge…"
"Foil-iag-ee…"
Not bad. Um, I'd be a lot more into it if you could pronounce "foliage."
I messed it up!
I can't do anything!
So I've arranged for our students to speak to astronauts at the space station,
uh, via Russian translator.
And, as an added surprise, actually get to operate the Mars rover.
You see, this is.
"Mission to Mars: Field Trip to Another World."
Okay, then.
Well, you all had great presentations,
but I'm sure no one can accuse me of favoritism
when I choose Mr. G's proposal, which was so, so, so clearly the best one.
What does space have?
You can't even walk on the ground.
You obviously picked it because he's your frickin' boyfriend.
- Well… - I see how it is.
My butt isn't cute enough. Should I call my ma
and blame her for passing on her wide flat ass?
Hello, Ma?
I'm not calling about that.
Just listen.
I said, just listen.
It's about my butt.
Should I continue?
I'm gonna say no.
You won't frickin' get away with this.
Eat glass and die, you tramp!
Mrs. Raws!
- Hey, uh, you're not going to work. - What are you talking…
- You're not going to work. - Yes, I'm going to work!
Sit down! Sit down!
Of course I'm going to work. Gina needs me.
Besides, I like my stomach like I like my suits,
no lining.
Here, take your bottoms off, put these sweatpants on.
- You take your bottoms off, sir! - Why don't you take your slacks off,
so I can put some sweatpants on? Now take your bottoms off.
I'm not gonna sit around here all day like an off-duty ice cream truck driver!
I confiscated three laptops, two tablets and an e-reader.
Oh, and this satellite phone with a condom taped to it.
- My earthquake kit? - Hey, look, for starters, Schmidt,
you're sitting up way too straight.
- I feel like I'm sitting just fine. - Take a deep breath.
Inhale it all the way in.
Now, let it go.
Now let go.
- Now let go. - I… I am letting go.
You're like a clenched fist, my man. Open up.
You're in a 1920s boxing stance.
- This is a waste of time! - You're not going to work!
I have a hyperactive nephew! We have to swaddle him!
Swaddle nothing! What?
- What are you doing? - Swaddle him! Get him!
- Got to get to work! - Shh. Shh.
Shh. You relaxed?
Yeah.
Okay, ready? You're gonna lay down.
All right, just for a minute.
D Good night, Schmidty d.
- Now do me. - Okay.
Hey, what's up, girl?
Hey, uh, remember when we used to do it and it was dope?
- Nah. - Nah? What you talk…
- You still like Ryan? - Well…
It's just the accent. That's the only thing you…
You like the accent? I can do an accent.
I can do an accent. You like when I do this accent, eh?
- You like when I do the accent? - Not at all.
My dad makes cheese.
He just made me realize that I want guys
who have, like, frickin' feelings and stuff.
Yeah, well…
But the boy looks like he was raised in a muffin.
- Oh. - Oh. Hey.
I've been holding office hours all year,
and this is the first time anyone's taken me up on it.
Ryan took you up on it, didn't he?
Hmm. This is gonna be fine
and, um, I'm going to address all of your problems one by one.
- It just ain't right. - Okay.
"Ain't right." Anything else?
- It's not okay. - "Not okay."
- What else? - I'm not all right with it.
And when you lent me that sweater last week,
- was I supposed to, like… - Ruth!
It's unscrupulous, Ms. Day.
If you two are coming out, we are, too.
Meet my boyfriend.
So, you like teachers?
I'd do whatever it takes to get my foliage trip off the ground.
And now I know how things work around here.
You're not even my type, just so you know.
D Ba-da-da… d.
Don't do that.
I'd be way more into this if you had, like, a classic Latin build.
Okay, stop. Stop!
- 'Cause I'm a ginger? - Just get out.
Ms. Day!
Okay! I changed my mind.
We're gonna look at foliage.
Now, will that make you people go back to your jobs?
Yeah.
I won something. I won something.
Hey. What's going on?
Everybody was just so mad at me.
I feel terrible. This is my fault.
Jess, maybe I should look for another job.
No! No! Absolutely not.
No, look, I have everything under control.
I am 100% confident that I'm making the right decision.
You got girl troubles, get a crystal.
Look, I'm telling you, Coach, women have been checking me out all day.
From the gentleman across the bar.
This is my favorite drink. How did he…
Something powerful told me it was.
Now, they gave me this crystal to help me on the streets,
but I'm starting to think it's gonna help me in the sheets.
- Winston, look at me. - Mm-hmm.
And I have never been more serious about anything in my life.
- Okay. - Stop rhyming.
- All the timing? - I don't need a crystal,
I just need to be more frickin' sensitive.
So stop trying to give me your crystal!
Okay. I'm not supposed to be yelling.
That's what I'm… I need to be working… I need to work on that.
I'm telling you, man, this crystal gives you the courage
to do the one thing that you're scared of the most.
To me, it's country music line dancing.
Well, that is terrifying.
Don't do that.
You guys seen Schmidt?
What the hell? My word processor?
You can't Kathy Bates me forever! My work needs me, Gina needs me.
I'm sorry, but she's trying to kill you,
and I'm trying everything in my power to stop her.
No, you're trying to turn me into you.
Aren't you bored, Nick?
I've been doing nothing for exactly one day, and I already feel pathetic.
The Nick that I met in college would not be happy living like this.
- You've changed. - That's not true. I've always been lazy.
Physically, yes.
But mentally, you used to be like a da Vinci in tie-dye.
- Well, I'll be. - Think differently.
The beer teat!
- Awesome, bro. - Ha!
Party!
Well, you changed, too.
You used to live by your own rules.
You were like a fat, Jewish Dennis Rodman.
But look at you now.
You're like the back of a horse in a two-person horse costume
with Gina just farting in your face all day long.
That actually happened.
What?
Schmidt, tell me, what do you get for all your hard work?
- The sponge account. - Oh, great!
God willing, it'll get me red potatoes, too.
Sexiest starch since jasmine rice.
Great.
I hope your work keeps making you walk around
with your guts in a rusty old wagon.
Oh, hey, Nick. You're up early.
Before noon.
Oh, wait, is this Sleepwalk Nick?
Man, I love Sleepwalk Nick.
He always pays back the money that Awake Nick borrows from me.
Of course I'm up! I'm doing stuff. I do stuff. I clean.
I'm cooking right now. I'm cooking breakfast.
Sun's up, Miller's up. People say that.
Huh. Oh, hey, Coach.
You're dressed like Ryan.
What?
No, you see, I… I've had these clothes for forever.
I just don't wear them when you're around.
- You are dressed like Ryan! - Are you around me all the time? No.
Dressing up like someone else isn't going to work.
- Unlike this crystal. - Shut up.
And I am never taking this crystal off.
Well, I mean, except if I'm making a tomato sauce
and the crystal keeps dipping in the tomato sauce.
Then I'll take it off, and that's just being practical.
I don't know too much about crystal care, but, oh, I intend to find out.
See?
I made the right decision.
Kids need to be in nature.
Emily Kopnik saw a butterfly and she said,
- "Oh, my God, country lice can fly." - Oh, cool.
Well, I'm sensitive and I care about things like that.
- You like leaves, Eddie? - No.
Me, too, buddy. Me, too.
So rake 'em into an observational mound, or "a pile,"
and then we transfer the piles
into one of these special research bags which you kids can take home.
Hey, what's happening here?
Here's another rake.
You're not just having the kids, uh, rake the leaves and put them in a bag,
- are you? - What now?
I mean, uh, what else do you have planned?
Oh, don't worry about it. I'm a biology professional.
So, how's that phantom ulcer treating you?
I sent you those Q4 reports…
Horrible burning!
Well, I'm glad you're back.
See? Look how glad I am.
Gina, let me run point on red potatoes.
I've got three pitches already ready to rock.
Here's a taste.
That's the first one. That's the first pitch. "Here's a taste."
It's just a picture of a red potato,
and the tagline is, "Here's a… here's a taste."
There's that New York sense of humor again, Schmidt.
Come on, Gina. Give me a shot at red potatoes.
No way, 'cause I need you.
You're the best sort of mid-level employee I've ever had.
You are the ass to my horse.
And I'm gonna keep you right here, right by my side, where I can find you.
Forever.
Forever?
Yeah, speaking of, might need you to suit up
for my son's birthday this Saturday, so…
What are these? Doesn't matter.
Keep your phone on, okay?
You know, sometimes, I think about life,
and it just makes me want to cry.
Respond to my sharing, please.
You're putting on a real creepy, murdery vibe today.
- Just FYI. - I'm not trying to do that. I was…
Just, like, going forward in your day,
- you should know that. - Just trying to be, like, feeling…
- Hey, guys. - Hi.
What's going on?
I think they might just be doing frickin' yard work.
D I don't know what I been told
Whoa.
D Foster's butt is mighty old
Oh, we are violating every child labor law.
They're really good singers.
Keep up the rhythm. Mama won't be happy till you clear the back forty.
Biology teacher?
Is this your house? Did you bring the kids here to work?
First of all, my name is Lorenzo.
Secondly, yes.
But you're the one who picked my trip, so it's your fault.
Can I have some water?
Okay, guys, stop working.
- Don't listen to her. Keep working. - You don't have to work.
- I'm the vice principal. - Not technically at school,
- so keep working. - Stop working!
Keep working!
Oh! Oh!
Wasps! Everybody stay calm!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, they're getting in my eyes.
Damn you bees! Ah! They got me!
Ah, screw it. Here comes me.
I sting, too, bees.
Bees don't bother me.
Seems like it was a great field trip.
So sorry I missed it.
I feel like a bunch of tiny people are holding tiny little lighters to my face.
Today was a complete and total disaster, from start to finish.
I've never failed so hard at my job ever in my life.
Everyone's so mad at me, but I was just trying
- to make them happy. - Jess, you can't make everyone happy.
You don't need them to like you. You just need them to listen to you.
- You're the boss. - Yeah.
I mean, if you were a man dating someone at work,
do you think that you would be worried about what everyone else was thinking?
You'd be, like, in the conference room,
like, "Meeting adjourned. Except for you, Sheila."
But that's not me.
I care what people think. I always have.
Then your only option is to go in and be yourself.
Just got to own it.
I think I'm a little scared.
Well, that's very interesting. You see…
- Have you been here this whole time? - The entire time.
That is why God made crystals.
Why did he make that shirt?
Hey.
- Hey, look, Nick… - I got to talk to you.
You go first.
Okay, you know what? You were right, Nick. I am a corporate monkey.
I don't want to be an old man looking back on a meager life of
selling red potatoes for the man.
I don't want to be a lazy bum my whole life.
I want to be the kind of bum that other bums look at
and say, "What's that bum smiling about?"
I get that.
I just had an idea, Schmidt.
I just had an idea, too, but I feel like it's stupid.
Yeah, I feel like mine's stupid. Let's do it.
- I'm gonna go to the kitchen. - But I want to hear what you have to say.
It's important to me. 'Cause maybe it's the same thing, maybe it's different.
It might be the same thing, so maybe we should just say it.
- You want to do the classic on 11? - Yeah, okay, great.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11…
Let's work together again!
- Yes! I knew it! - That was it, man.
That was awesome! Back in business.
Yeah!
Let's start jamming ideas.
- Turkey. - Robot. Turkey robot.
Just got it in one.
- All right, let's draw up a… - I don't think we did.
- Okay. - Ready? Black.
Robot. Black robot.
- Ooh, that's even better, son. - Boom.
- Way to push for number two. - Let's… Exactly.
Black robot. The blackest robot in town.
That robot's so black, it's the blackest.
I feel like marketing's gonna be a nightmare on that one.
Okay. I'm not good at marketing. I'm good at ideas.
- Let's stay away from robots. - Okay.
- Yeah? All right. - Okay.
Robot robot.
I said let's stay away from robots though,
- and you just said… - Black turkey!
Look, let's maybe pick it up later.
- Computers for babies. - We are back!
Hair that looks like a helmet, or vice versa,
helmet that looks like a hair is actually pretty smart.
Oh, I'm really hot right now. A water bottle with the top cut off.
- That's a cup! - That is just a cup. Scratch it.
Ladies.
- Ooh, you got bee'd up, dude. - Yeah.
- You look like a monster. - Yeah.
I'm not even joking.
- You look so ugly right now. - So ugly.
Look, I'm not some little sensitive British guy, okay?
I am Coach.
But right now, I am in so much pain that I am losing my mind.
And I might never recover.
So say hello to the new me,
who's basically a street lunatic with a face made of fire!
They sting you in your pants?
Yeah, they… they stung my doodad.
I'm gonna get you some lotion.
- Ow. - Ooh!
Everyone, um, before we begin this meeting,
I just want to say that, yes, Ryan is my boyfriend.
And yes, I let it affect my job
because I care what you think of me, and I always have.
But here's what you should know.
I love my job, and I love this man right here.
Wow.
I've been waiting for a moment to tell you that,
and I guess, this is it.
This is perfect.
And, um, just for the record, I love you, too.
This speech is wonderful, so please keep going.
Oh, yeah. Um, and you can come to me with any problems
or anything you want to ask me,
but I'm gonna make some decisions that you don't like,
and you're just gonna have to deal with it.
So, uh, let's get back to work, okay?
So is that the end of the meeting, then?
Yep. Uh, yeah, I got a little carried away
with the moment there.
Anyway…
- Put it on. - Put the crystal on.
And… there we go.
It's not gonna do anything.
D Any man of mine