1 00:00:19,596 --> 00:00:21,557 What in the hell is around your neck? 2 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,392 This? It's a crystal charm, man. 3 00:00:23,475 --> 00:00:24,828 Yeah, the guys at work gave it to me. 4 00:00:24,852 --> 00:00:26,729 - Why? - Technically, it's "hazing," 5 00:00:26,812 --> 00:00:28,439 but, uh, I secretly love it. 6 00:00:28,522 --> 00:00:30,250 That is the kind of crystal that should only rest 7 00:00:30,274 --> 00:00:31,817 between a set of old bosoms. 8 00:00:34,069 --> 00:00:35,669 Did that sound just come from your body? 9 00:00:36,238 --> 00:00:37,322 - Hey! - Ha! 10 00:00:37,614 --> 00:00:40,093 - Whoa, how long you two been here? - When was the last time you asked me that? 11 00:00:40,117 --> 00:00:42,119 - Last Thursday. - So, at least Thursday. 12 00:00:42,202 --> 00:00:44,496 What kind of lazy… holes… 13 00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:46,915 Don't you know what -ing day it is? 14 00:00:46,999 --> 00:00:48,876 For crying out loud… 15 00:00:48,959 --> 00:00:51,587 - Glen, you should see a doctor. - My name is Schmidt. 16 00:00:51,879 --> 00:00:53,505 I can't afford to miss work. 17 00:00:54,590 --> 00:00:56,884 I'm sorry, Glen, but I'm with Kai on this one. 18 00:00:56,967 --> 00:00:59,136 - Thanks, Wilfred. - You ain't good with names. 19 00:00:59,219 --> 00:01:00,763 Oh, honey, you're all turned around. 20 00:01:00,846 --> 00:01:02,264 - No, you are. - I think you are. 21 00:01:02,348 --> 00:01:04,034 - I think you are. I'm gonna get you… - Stop. 22 00:01:04,058 --> 00:01:06,935 - I've done some research. - Oh, how about a head's up, man? 23 00:01:07,144 --> 00:01:09,021 Have I seen those glasses before? 24 00:01:09,229 --> 00:01:10,856 I feel like I want to remember them. 25 00:01:10,939 --> 00:01:13,659 I got these in seventh grade, and I love them. Stop asking questions. 26 00:01:14,068 --> 00:01:16,403 All right, check it. So nerd Coach went to the library, 27 00:01:16,487 --> 00:01:19,156 and some place that actually exists called the Hall of Documents. 28 00:01:19,323 --> 00:01:20,550 - The downtown branch? - Mm-hmm. 29 00:01:20,574 --> 00:01:22,618 - How's Kathleen's eye? - Oh, Kathleen's dead. 30 00:01:22,743 --> 00:01:23,744 - What? - Yeah. 31 00:01:23,827 --> 00:01:26,663 So, check it out, guys, this is all research. 32 00:01:26,747 --> 00:01:28,850 You two don't have to date in secret anymore at school. 33 00:01:28,874 --> 00:01:32,836 Yeah, it's all here in the Lipinski v. Platte County Unified School District. 34 00:01:33,128 --> 00:01:35,005 Precedence for days! 35 00:01:35,089 --> 00:01:37,091 - Wow. Wow, you did this for us? - No. 36 00:01:38,634 --> 00:01:41,053 I just want to pat it. I just want to, like, frickin' pat it. 37 00:01:42,262 --> 00:01:43,389 I want to nurse it. 38 00:01:44,306 --> 00:01:47,434 - Yeah, I want to provide it with milk. - Huh. 39 00:01:47,601 --> 00:01:49,645 I used to be the hot teacher. 40 00:01:50,187 --> 00:01:52,398 Now you know how I felt when you turned up. 41 00:01:53,232 --> 00:01:55,818 A miserable path awaits you. 42 00:01:56,443 --> 00:01:58,404 So you want us to come out, 43 00:01:58,487 --> 00:02:01,365 so that you can go back to hooking up with all the hot teachers? 44 00:02:01,448 --> 00:02:03,992 Very much so. But I'm thinking about you guys, too. 45 00:02:04,076 --> 00:02:07,371 I mean, wouldn't it be better if you didn't have to hide your relationship? 46 00:02:08,664 --> 00:02:10,374 Yeah, you know what? 47 00:02:11,709 --> 00:02:13,335 I think we should do this. I… 48 00:02:13,419 --> 00:02:15,629 - We should do this. Let's stop hiding. - Yeah. 49 00:02:15,713 --> 00:02:18,132 But, Jess, will this make things tricky for your work 50 00:02:18,215 --> 00:02:20,110 and will it in turn make you distracted and preoccupied 51 00:02:20,134 --> 00:02:21,534 - during our splishy-splashy? - Ugh. 52 00:02:21,593 --> 00:02:25,139 - No, no, of course not. I won't let it. - Then let's do this. 53 00:02:26,098 --> 00:02:28,642 - Yeah, let's. - Yes! We are coming out! 54 00:02:28,726 --> 00:02:30,269 Cracking. I'm chuffed. 55 00:02:30,436 --> 00:02:31,937 Dude, I do not get you. 56 00:02:39,653 --> 00:02:41,030 I trust you, Miss Day. 57 00:02:41,113 --> 00:02:44,283 Mostly because I do not want to read this. 58 00:02:44,658 --> 00:02:46,285 - That's great! - Well… 59 00:02:46,368 --> 00:02:48,662 - Yay! - I'm the easy one, dawg. 60 00:02:49,246 --> 00:02:53,125 Seriously, it's the teachers you need to worry about. Especially you. 61 00:02:53,208 --> 00:02:55,502 You tend to care what people think about you. 62 00:02:55,586 --> 00:02:58,672 That's like saying a penguin "tends" to be cute. 63 00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,133 It's all it does, bro. 64 00:03:01,216 --> 00:03:04,928 So, good luck when the teachers present their field trip proposals. 65 00:03:05,304 --> 00:03:08,265 If they catch a whiff of favoritism, 66 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:11,560 they are going to tear you apart like 67 00:03:12,144 --> 00:03:14,980 like a beautiful baguette, you know what I mean? 68 00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:18,567 When you… you're having dinner, and you just suddenly say, 69 00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:22,905 "Hey, forget the bread knife. Let's just rip into this with our bare hands." 70 00:03:23,655 --> 00:03:25,366 Ah, I love that. 71 00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:30,546 Hey, what'd they say? What do you got? You can tell me, I can take it. 72 00:03:31,163 --> 00:03:34,500 I don't know if I can take it if… 73 00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:36,335 If you died, I'd be lost. 74 00:03:36,418 --> 00:03:38,962 Just tell me, I'll be there for you. I'm big and strong. 75 00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:40,315 - Is it cancer? - What's your problem? 76 00:03:40,339 --> 00:03:42,049 Oh, Schmidty, you have cancer? 77 00:03:42,132 --> 00:03:45,052 I can't watch you go through cancer, buddy, you're not strong enough. 78 00:03:45,135 --> 00:03:46,136 What is wrong with you? 79 00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:48,430 Your friend keeps forgetting his ulcer medication. 80 00:03:48,514 --> 00:03:49,723 Ulcer medication? 81 00:03:50,015 --> 00:03:51,392 He's lying, please. 82 00:03:51,475 --> 00:03:53,395 Take him home, make sure he does nothing all day. 83 00:03:53,435 --> 00:03:55,270 Look, I'm not doing nothing all day. 84 00:03:55,437 --> 00:03:56,939 Can't take days off work… 85 00:03:57,022 --> 00:04:00,150 My firm is wooing red potatoes, and I want that account. 86 00:04:00,234 --> 00:04:01,914 Don't listen to that aggressive male nurse. 87 00:04:01,985 --> 00:04:03,904 Wearing the same shoes as an old Russian woman. 88 00:04:03,987 --> 00:04:06,365 It's not an ulcer, he's lying… 89 00:04:06,699 --> 00:04:09,284 Yeah, that's your ulcer telling you to stop being a dick. 90 00:04:11,578 --> 00:04:13,706 Before we begin our presentations, 91 00:04:13,997 --> 00:04:17,584 in the spirit of full disclosure and transparency, 92 00:04:17,835 --> 00:04:19,336 I have something to tell you. 93 00:04:20,796 --> 00:04:23,215 Mr. Geauxinue and I are dating. 94 00:04:23,298 --> 00:04:24,383 No, no, no. 95 00:04:24,466 --> 00:04:25,985 - I just felt someone pass over my grave. - Right. 96 00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:28,846 - I don't see a ring. - This is a total joke. 97 00:04:28,929 --> 00:04:30,689 - Oh, you're joking. - There's none scenarios 98 00:04:30,764 --> 00:04:31,765 that this is possible. 99 00:04:31,849 --> 00:04:34,768 Ladies, I know you're upset, but you know what I do when I'm upset? 100 00:04:35,144 --> 00:04:36,145 I hook up with me. 101 00:04:36,645 --> 00:04:37,980 But I want to assure you 102 00:04:38,063 --> 00:04:40,816 that this will not affect my judgment as vice principal. 103 00:04:41,358 --> 00:04:45,029 Let's hear those field trip proposals! Where are we gonna take those kids, guys? 104 00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,364 And you know what makes the water delicious? 105 00:04:47,448 --> 00:04:48,782 Taking the poop out. 106 00:04:49,116 --> 00:04:51,035 Hello, water treatment plant. 107 00:04:52,828 --> 00:04:55,039 Okay, we're off to a rocky start. 108 00:04:55,289 --> 00:04:58,417 They've got frickin' mini-golf. They've got frickin' Skee-Ball. 109 00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:00,210 They've got frickin' bumper boats. 110 00:05:00,294 --> 00:05:01,920 They've got frickin' go-carts. 111 00:05:02,713 --> 00:05:06,216 - Is this you topless in the brochure? - It is, thank you. 112 00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:09,094 Take a trip to historical Coach-town. 113 00:05:09,845 --> 00:05:12,348 Lunch will be provided. 114 00:05:12,473 --> 00:05:14,725 I don't eat yesterday's bread. 115 00:05:14,933 --> 00:05:16,185 Yes, you do. 116 00:05:16,268 --> 00:05:17,895 Is there a field trip in here somewhere? 117 00:05:17,978 --> 00:05:21,607 I want to take the children on an interactive nature "experience." 118 00:05:21,690 --> 00:05:22,816 Very hands-on. 119 00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,068 With, uh, 120 00:05:24,485 --> 00:05:25,611 "foll-ahge…" 121 00:05:26,403 --> 00:05:27,404 "Foil-iag-ee…" 122 00:05:27,488 --> 00:05:31,533 Not bad. Um, I'd be a lot more into it if you could pronounce "foliage." 123 00:05:31,658 --> 00:05:32,701 I messed it up! 124 00:05:33,243 --> 00:05:34,620 I can't do anything! 125 00:05:34,828 --> 00:05:37,849 So I've arranged for our students to speak to astronauts at the space station, 126 00:05:37,873 --> 00:05:39,458 uh, via Russian translator. 127 00:05:39,583 --> 00:05:44,463 And, as an added surprise, actually get to operate the Mars rover. 128 00:05:44,546 --> 00:05:45,672 You see, this is. 129 00:05:45,756 --> 00:05:49,218 "Mission to Mars: Field Trip to Another World." 130 00:05:51,762 --> 00:05:53,889 Okay, then. 131 00:05:54,139 --> 00:05:56,183 Well, you all had great presentations, 132 00:05:56,266 --> 00:05:59,186 but I'm sure no one can accuse me of favoritism 133 00:05:59,269 --> 00:06:03,982 when I choose Mr. G's proposal, which was so, so, so clearly the best one. 134 00:06:04,066 --> 00:06:05,859 What does space have? 135 00:06:05,943 --> 00:06:07,695 You can't even walk on the ground. 136 00:06:07,778 --> 00:06:10,197 You obviously picked it because he's your frickin' boyfriend. 137 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:11,657 - Well… - I see how it is. 138 00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:14,201 My butt isn't cute enough. Should I call my ma 139 00:06:14,284 --> 00:06:16,829 and blame her for passing on her wide flat ass? 140 00:06:19,957 --> 00:06:20,958 Hello, Ma? 141 00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:23,168 I'm not calling about that. 142 00:06:24,253 --> 00:06:25,295 Just listen. 143 00:06:25,713 --> 00:06:26,797 I said, just listen. 144 00:06:28,799 --> 00:06:29,842 It's about my butt. 145 00:06:31,093 --> 00:06:32,302 Should I continue? 146 00:06:32,386 --> 00:06:33,554 I'm gonna say no. 147 00:06:33,637 --> 00:06:35,157 You won't frickin' get away with this. 148 00:06:35,222 --> 00:06:37,433 Eat glass and die, you tramp! 149 00:06:38,142 --> 00:06:39,309 Mrs. Raws! 150 00:06:43,731 --> 00:06:46,167 - Hey, uh, you're not going to work. - What are you talking… 151 00:06:46,191 --> 00:06:47,752 - You're not going to work. - Yes, I'm going to work! 152 00:06:47,776 --> 00:06:49,403 Sit down! Sit down! 153 00:06:51,321 --> 00:06:53,449 Of course I'm going to work. Gina needs me. 154 00:06:53,615 --> 00:06:56,660 Besides, I like my stomach like I like my suits, 155 00:06:56,744 --> 00:06:57,745 no lining. 156 00:06:57,870 --> 00:07:00,831 Here, take your bottoms off, put these sweatpants on. 157 00:07:00,914 --> 00:07:03,601 - You take your bottoms off, sir! - Why don't you take your slacks off, 158 00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:05,395 so I can put some sweatpants on? Now take your bottoms off. 159 00:07:05,419 --> 00:07:08,672 I'm not gonna sit around here all day like an off-duty ice cream truck driver! 160 00:07:08,756 --> 00:07:11,884 I confiscated three laptops, two tablets and an e-reader. 161 00:07:11,967 --> 00:07:14,678 Oh, and this satellite phone with a condom taped to it. 162 00:07:14,762 --> 00:07:16,906 - My earthquake kit? - Hey, look, for starters, Schmidt, 163 00:07:16,930 --> 00:07:18,515 you're sitting up way too straight. 164 00:07:18,599 --> 00:07:20,827 - I feel like I'm sitting just fine. - Take a deep breath. 165 00:07:20,851 --> 00:07:23,520 Inhale it all the way in. 166 00:07:24,938 --> 00:07:26,940 Now, let it go. 167 00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:31,570 Now let go. 168 00:07:31,653 --> 00:07:34,198 - Now let go. - I… I am letting go. 169 00:07:34,281 --> 00:07:36,041 You're like a clenched fist, my man. Open up. 170 00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:40,454 You're in a 1920s boxing stance. 171 00:07:40,537 --> 00:07:42,640 - This is a waste of time! - You're not going to work! 172 00:07:42,664 --> 00:07:44,792 I have a hyperactive nephew! We have to swaddle him! 173 00:07:44,875 --> 00:07:46,001 Swaddle nothing! What? 174 00:07:46,085 --> 00:07:47,729 - What are you doing? - Swaddle him! Get him! 175 00:07:47,753 --> 00:07:52,049 - Got to get to work! - Shh. Shh. 176 00:07:52,925 --> 00:07:54,593 Shh. You relaxed? 177 00:07:55,969 --> 00:07:56,970 Yeah. 178 00:07:57,054 --> 00:07:59,306 Okay, ready? You're gonna lay down. 179 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:00,891 All right, just for a minute. 180 00:08:01,475 --> 00:08:03,143 D Good night, Schmidty d. 181 00:08:08,190 --> 00:08:09,650 - Now do me. - Okay. 182 00:08:13,028 --> 00:08:14,196 Hey, what's up, girl? 183 00:08:14,613 --> 00:08:17,700 Hey, uh, remember when we used to do it and it was dope? 184 00:08:17,825 --> 00:08:20,119 - Nah. - Nah? What you talk… 185 00:08:20,452 --> 00:08:22,204 - You still like Ryan? - Well… 186 00:08:22,287 --> 00:08:23,973 It's just the accent. That's the only thing you… 187 00:08:23,997 --> 00:08:25,597 You like the accent? I can do an accent. 188 00:08:25,791 --> 00:08:28,419 I can do an accent. You like when I do this accent, eh? 189 00:08:29,586 --> 00:08:32,256 - You like when I do the accent? - Not at all. 190 00:08:32,339 --> 00:08:33,841 My dad makes cheese. 191 00:08:33,924 --> 00:08:36,760 He just made me realize that I want guys 192 00:08:36,844 --> 00:08:38,887 who have, like, frickin' feelings and stuff. 193 00:08:38,971 --> 00:08:40,180 Yeah, well… 194 00:08:40,556 --> 00:08:42,683 But the boy looks like he was raised in a muffin. 195 00:08:43,726 --> 00:08:45,436 - Oh. - Oh. Hey. 196 00:08:45,769 --> 00:08:47,688 I've been holding office hours all year, 197 00:08:47,771 --> 00:08:49,541 and this is the first time anyone's taken me up on it. 198 00:08:49,565 --> 00:08:50,925 Ryan took you up on it, didn't he? 199 00:08:52,609 --> 00:08:54,570 Hmm. This is gonna be fine 200 00:08:54,653 --> 00:08:58,615 and, um, I'm going to address all of your problems one by one. 201 00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,118 - It just ain't right. - Okay. 202 00:09:01,201 --> 00:09:04,121 "Ain't right." Anything else? 203 00:09:04,204 --> 00:09:06,582 - It's not okay. - "Not okay." 204 00:09:07,624 --> 00:09:09,960 - What else? - I'm not all right with it. 205 00:09:10,127 --> 00:09:12,379 And when you lent me that sweater last week, 206 00:09:12,463 --> 00:09:15,716 - was I supposed to, like… - Ruth! 207 00:09:15,799 --> 00:09:17,593 It's unscrupulous, Ms. Day. 208 00:09:17,676 --> 00:09:19,928 If you two are coming out, we are, too. 209 00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:22,264 Meet my boyfriend. 210 00:09:24,391 --> 00:09:27,019 So, you like teachers? 211 00:09:31,023 --> 00:09:34,193 I'd do whatever it takes to get my foliage trip off the ground. 212 00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,947 And now I know how things work around here. 213 00:09:39,406 --> 00:09:41,784 You're not even my type, just so you know. 214 00:09:42,284 --> 00:09:43,327 D Ba-da-da… d. 215 00:09:43,410 --> 00:09:44,495 Don't do that. 216 00:09:44,578 --> 00:09:47,289 I'd be way more into this if you had, like, a classic Latin build. 217 00:09:47,373 --> 00:09:49,166 Okay, stop. Stop! 218 00:09:49,249 --> 00:09:51,085 - 'Cause I'm a ginger? - Just get out. 219 00:09:53,504 --> 00:09:54,546 Ms. Day! 220 00:09:59,635 --> 00:10:02,012 Okay! I changed my mind. 221 00:10:02,638 --> 00:10:04,348 We're gonna look at foliage. 222 00:10:04,807 --> 00:10:06,743 Now, will that make you people go back to your jobs? 223 00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:08,227 Yeah. 224 00:10:08,310 --> 00:10:10,813 I won something. I won something. 225 00:10:11,689 --> 00:10:13,482 Hey. What's going on? 226 00:10:13,607 --> 00:10:15,192 Everybody was just so mad at me. 227 00:10:16,568 --> 00:10:18,529 I feel terrible. This is my fault. 228 00:10:19,071 --> 00:10:20,507 Jess, maybe I should look for another job. 229 00:10:20,531 --> 00:10:22,408 No! No! Absolutely not. 230 00:10:22,658 --> 00:10:24,135 No, look, I have everything under control. 231 00:10:24,159 --> 00:10:27,329 I am 100% confident that I'm making the right decision. 232 00:10:27,579 --> 00:10:29,957 You got girl troubles, get a crystal. 233 00:10:30,332 --> 00:10:33,252 Look, I'm telling you, Coach, women have been checking me out all day. 234 00:10:33,794 --> 00:10:35,295 From the gentleman across the bar. 235 00:10:35,379 --> 00:10:37,798 This is my favorite drink. How did he… 236 00:10:37,881 --> 00:10:40,884 Something powerful told me it was. 237 00:10:42,636 --> 00:10:45,347 Now, they gave me this crystal to help me on the streets, 238 00:10:45,431 --> 00:10:48,475 but I'm starting to think it's gonna help me in the sheets. 239 00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:50,811 - Winston, look at me. - Mm-hmm. 240 00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:53,480 And I have never been more serious about anything in my life. 241 00:10:53,564 --> 00:10:55,482 - Okay. - Stop rhyming. 242 00:10:55,566 --> 00:10:57,818 - All the timing? - I don't need a crystal, 243 00:10:57,901 --> 00:10:59,695 I just need to be more frickin' sensitive. 244 00:10:59,778 --> 00:11:01,338 So stop trying to give me your crystal! 245 00:11:02,156 --> 00:11:03,636 Okay. I'm not supposed to be yelling. 246 00:11:04,658 --> 00:11:06,636 That's what I'm… I need to be working… I need to work on that. 247 00:11:06,660 --> 00:11:09,705 I'm telling you, man, this crystal gives you the courage 248 00:11:09,830 --> 00:11:12,499 to do the one thing that you're scared of the most. 249 00:11:13,208 --> 00:11:15,252 To me, it's country music line dancing. 250 00:11:15,711 --> 00:11:16,962 Well, that is terrifying. 251 00:11:17,713 --> 00:11:18,714 Don't do that. 252 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:22,926 You guys seen Schmidt? 253 00:11:24,845 --> 00:11:26,847 What the hell? My word processor? 254 00:11:28,682 --> 00:11:32,019 You can't Kathy Bates me forever! My work needs me, Gina needs me. 255 00:11:32,102 --> 00:11:33,979 I'm sorry, but she's trying to kill you, 256 00:11:34,063 --> 00:11:35,957 and I'm trying everything in my power to stop her. 257 00:11:35,981 --> 00:11:37,501 No, you're trying to turn me into you. 258 00:11:39,151 --> 00:11:40,402 Aren't you bored, Nick? 259 00:11:40,944 --> 00:11:43,824 I've been doing nothing for exactly one day, and I already feel pathetic. 260 00:11:44,990 --> 00:11:47,594 The Nick that I met in college would not be happy living like this. 261 00:11:47,618 --> 00:11:49,995 - You've changed. - That's not true. I've always been lazy. 262 00:11:50,079 --> 00:11:51,622 Physically, yes. 263 00:11:52,247 --> 00:11:55,000 But mentally, you used to be like a da Vinci in tie-dye. 264 00:12:03,717 --> 00:12:06,053 - Well, I'll be. - Think differently. 265 00:12:07,012 --> 00:12:08,013 The beer teat! 266 00:12:08,097 --> 00:12:09,306 - Awesome, bro. - Ha! 267 00:12:09,556 --> 00:12:10,557 Party! 268 00:12:13,435 --> 00:12:14,770 Well, you changed, too. 269 00:12:15,312 --> 00:12:17,106 You used to live by your own rules. 270 00:12:17,189 --> 00:12:20,359 You were like a fat, Jewish Dennis Rodman. 271 00:12:20,442 --> 00:12:21,777 But look at you now. 272 00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:25,197 You're like the back of a horse in a two-person horse costume 273 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,741 with Gina just farting in your face all day long. 274 00:12:27,825 --> 00:12:29,451 That actually happened. 275 00:12:35,708 --> 00:12:36,792 What? 276 00:12:37,251 --> 00:12:39,396 Schmidt, tell me, what do you get for all your hard work? 277 00:12:39,420 --> 00:12:41,004 - The sponge account. - Oh, great! 278 00:12:41,088 --> 00:12:43,298 God willing, it'll get me red potatoes, too. 279 00:12:43,549 --> 00:12:45,300 Sexiest starch since jasmine rice. 280 00:12:45,384 --> 00:12:46,385 Great. 281 00:12:46,468 --> 00:12:49,013 I hope your work keeps making you walk around 282 00:12:49,096 --> 00:12:51,348 with your guts in a rusty old wagon. 283 00:13:03,068 --> 00:13:05,362 Oh, hey, Nick. You're up early. 284 00:13:05,696 --> 00:13:07,239 Before noon. 285 00:13:08,615 --> 00:13:10,325 Oh, wait, is this Sleepwalk Nick? 286 00:13:10,617 --> 00:13:12,077 Man, I love Sleepwalk Nick. 287 00:13:12,161 --> 00:13:14,597 He always pays back the money that Awake Nick borrows from me. 288 00:13:14,621 --> 00:13:17,249 Of course I'm up! I'm doing stuff. I do stuff. I clean. 289 00:13:18,292 --> 00:13:20,711 I'm cooking right now. I'm cooking breakfast. 290 00:13:20,836 --> 00:13:22,838 Sun's up, Miller's up. People say that. 291 00:13:22,921 --> 00:13:24,757 Huh. Oh, hey, Coach. 292 00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:27,551 You're dressed like Ryan. 293 00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:28,969 What? 294 00:13:29,053 --> 00:13:31,138 No, you see, I… I've had these clothes for forever. 295 00:13:31,221 --> 00:13:32,407 I just don't wear them when you're around. 296 00:13:32,431 --> 00:13:35,031 - You are dressed like Ryan! - Are you around me all the time? No. 297 00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:38,103 Dressing up like someone else isn't going to work. 298 00:13:38,312 --> 00:13:40,064 - Unlike this crystal. - Shut up. 299 00:13:40,147 --> 00:13:42,191 And I am never taking this crystal off. 300 00:13:42,274 --> 00:13:44,401 Well, I mean, except if I'm making a tomato sauce 301 00:13:44,485 --> 00:13:47,112 and the crystal keeps dipping in the tomato sauce. 302 00:13:47,196 --> 00:13:49,215 Then I'll take it off, and that's just being practical. 303 00:13:49,239 --> 00:13:53,077 I don't know too much about crystal care, but, oh, I intend to find out. 304 00:13:54,411 --> 00:13:55,454 See? 305 00:13:55,537 --> 00:13:56,914 I made the right decision. 306 00:13:56,997 --> 00:13:58,540 Kids need to be in nature. 307 00:13:58,957 --> 00:14:01,710 Emily Kopnik saw a butterfly and she said, 308 00:14:01,794 --> 00:14:05,089 - "Oh, my God, country lice can fly." - Oh, cool. 309 00:14:05,339 --> 00:14:07,459 Well, I'm sensitive and I care about things like that. 310 00:14:07,591 --> 00:14:09,593 - You like leaves, Eddie? - No. 311 00:14:09,676 --> 00:14:11,178 Me, too, buddy. Me, too. 312 00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:16,642 So rake 'em into an observational mound, or "a pile," 313 00:14:17,142 --> 00:14:18,644 and then we transfer the piles 314 00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:22,189 into one of these special research bags which you kids can take home. 315 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:24,942 Hey, what's happening here? 316 00:14:25,025 --> 00:14:26,151 Here's another rake. 317 00:14:26,235 --> 00:14:29,238 You're not just having the kids, uh, rake the leaves and put them in a bag, 318 00:14:29,321 --> 00:14:30,364 - are you? - What now? 319 00:14:30,447 --> 00:14:32,157 I mean, uh, what else do you have planned? 320 00:14:32,241 --> 00:14:35,077 Oh, don't worry about it. I'm a biology professional. 321 00:14:39,248 --> 00:14:41,625 So, how's that phantom ulcer treating you? 322 00:14:41,709 --> 00:14:43,210 I sent you those Q4 reports… 323 00:14:43,293 --> 00:14:44,378 Horrible burning! 324 00:14:44,461 --> 00:14:45,921 Well, I'm glad you're back. 325 00:14:46,338 --> 00:14:47,631 See? Look how glad I am. 326 00:14:47,715 --> 00:14:49,425 Gina, let me run point on red potatoes. 327 00:14:49,508 --> 00:14:51,802 I've got three pitches already ready to rock. 328 00:14:52,261 --> 00:14:53,303 Here's a taste. 329 00:14:54,722 --> 00:14:56,825 That's the first one. That's the first pitch. "Here's a taste." 330 00:14:56,849 --> 00:14:58,076 It's just a picture of a red potato, 331 00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,661 and the tagline is, "Here's a… here's a taste." 332 00:14:59,685 --> 00:15:02,479 There's that New York sense of humor again, Schmidt. 333 00:15:02,604 --> 00:15:04,207 Come on, Gina. Give me a shot at red potatoes. 334 00:15:04,231 --> 00:15:05,607 No way, 'cause I need you. 335 00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:09,153 You're the best sort of mid-level employee I've ever had. 336 00:15:09,236 --> 00:15:11,989 You are the ass to my horse. 337 00:15:12,072 --> 00:15:15,242 And I'm gonna keep you right here, right by my side, where I can find you. 338 00:15:15,325 --> 00:15:16,368 Forever. 339 00:15:17,161 --> 00:15:18,162 Forever? 340 00:15:18,245 --> 00:15:20,914 Yeah, speaking of, might need you to suit up 341 00:15:20,998 --> 00:15:23,584 for my son's birthday this Saturday, so… 342 00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,294 What are these? Doesn't matter. 343 00:15:25,377 --> 00:15:26,670 Keep your phone on, okay? 344 00:15:28,130 --> 00:15:30,132 You know, sometimes, I think about life, 345 00:15:30,215 --> 00:15:32,342 and it just makes me want to cry. 346 00:15:35,763 --> 00:15:37,473 Respond to my sharing, please. 347 00:15:37,598 --> 00:15:40,184 You're putting on a real creepy, murdery vibe today. 348 00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:42,436 - Just FYI. - I'm not trying to do that. I was… 349 00:15:42,519 --> 00:15:43,955 Just, like, going forward in your day, 350 00:15:43,979 --> 00:15:45,665 - you should know that. - Just trying to be, like, feeling… 351 00:15:45,689 --> 00:15:47,149 - Hey, guys. - Hi. 352 00:15:48,108 --> 00:15:49,109 What's going on? 353 00:15:49,193 --> 00:15:52,196 I think they might just be doing frickin' yard work. 354 00:15:52,321 --> 00:15:53,614 D I don't know what I been told 355 00:15:55,366 --> 00:15:56,367 Whoa. 356 00:15:56,450 --> 00:15:58,535 D Foster's butt is mighty old 357 00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:04,083 Oh, we are violating every child labor law. 358 00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:06,126 They're really good singers. 359 00:16:06,377 --> 00:16:10,089 Keep up the rhythm. Mama won't be happy till you clear the back forty. 360 00:16:10,756 --> 00:16:11,924 Biology teacher? 361 00:16:13,050 --> 00:16:15,594 Is this your house? Did you bring the kids here to work? 362 00:16:15,678 --> 00:16:17,721 First of all, my name is Lorenzo. 363 00:16:18,305 --> 00:16:19,348 Secondly, yes. 364 00:16:20,099 --> 00:16:23,102 But you're the one who picked my trip, so it's your fault. 365 00:16:23,644 --> 00:16:24,770 Can I have some water? 366 00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:26,438 Okay, guys, stop working. 367 00:16:26,522 --> 00:16:28,962 - Don't listen to her. Keep working. - You don't have to work. 368 00:16:29,066 --> 00:16:30,835 - I'm the vice principal. - Not technically at school, 369 00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:31,920 - so keep working. - Stop working! 370 00:16:31,944 --> 00:16:32,945 Keep working! 371 00:16:36,824 --> 00:16:37,866 Oh! Oh! 372 00:16:37,950 --> 00:16:39,868 Wasps! Everybody stay calm! 373 00:16:39,993 --> 00:16:42,496 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, they're getting in my eyes. 374 00:16:43,163 --> 00:16:45,416 Damn you bees! Ah! They got me! 375 00:16:45,499 --> 00:16:48,043 Ah, screw it. Here comes me. 376 00:16:48,252 --> 00:16:49,712 I sting, too, bees. 377 00:16:50,421 --> 00:16:51,922 Bees don't bother me. 378 00:16:54,717 --> 00:16:57,094 Seems like it was a great field trip. 379 00:16:57,177 --> 00:16:58,387 So sorry I missed it. 380 00:16:58,512 --> 00:17:01,849 I feel like a bunch of tiny people are holding tiny little lighters to my face. 381 00:17:03,726 --> 00:17:07,062 Today was a complete and total disaster, from start to finish. 382 00:17:07,146 --> 00:17:10,357 I've never failed so hard at my job ever in my life. 383 00:17:10,566 --> 00:17:12,443 Everyone's so mad at me, but I was just trying 384 00:17:12,526 --> 00:17:14,987 - to make them happy. - Jess, you can't make everyone happy. 385 00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,465 You don't need them to like you. You just need them to listen to you. 386 00:17:17,489 --> 00:17:18,824 - You're the boss. - Yeah. 387 00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,326 I mean, if you were a man dating someone at work, 388 00:17:21,410 --> 00:17:24,580 do you think that you would be worried about what everyone else was thinking? 389 00:17:24,663 --> 00:17:25,849 You'd be, like, in the conference room, 390 00:17:25,873 --> 00:17:28,584 like, "Meeting adjourned. Except for you, Sheila." 391 00:17:28,709 --> 00:17:29,877 But that's not me. 392 00:17:30,127 --> 00:17:32,129 I care what people think. I always have. 393 00:17:32,212 --> 00:17:34,882 Then your only option is to go in and be yourself. 394 00:17:35,716 --> 00:17:36,717 Just got to own it. 395 00:17:38,093 --> 00:17:39,678 I think I'm a little scared. 396 00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:42,723 Well, that's very interesting. You see… 397 00:17:42,848 --> 00:17:45,048 - Have you been here this whole time? - The entire time. 398 00:17:45,184 --> 00:17:48,645 That is why God made crystals. 399 00:17:49,021 --> 00:17:50,439 Why did he make that shirt? 400 00:17:58,030 --> 00:17:59,031 Hey. 401 00:17:59,323 --> 00:18:01,075 - Hey, look, Nick… - I got to talk to you. 402 00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,035 You go first. 403 00:18:04,203 --> 00:18:07,581 Okay, you know what? You were right, Nick. I am a corporate monkey. 404 00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:11,335 I don't want to be an old man looking back on a meager life of 405 00:18:12,669 --> 00:18:14,755 selling red potatoes for the man. 406 00:18:15,172 --> 00:18:17,383 I don't want to be a lazy bum my whole life. 407 00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:21,595 I want to be the kind of bum that other bums look at 408 00:18:21,804 --> 00:18:24,056 and say, "What's that bum smiling about?" 409 00:18:24,932 --> 00:18:25,933 I get that. 410 00:18:27,351 --> 00:18:28,560 I just had an idea, Schmidt. 411 00:18:28,644 --> 00:18:30,413 I just had an idea, too, but I feel like it's stupid. 412 00:18:30,437 --> 00:18:32,165 Yeah, I feel like mine's stupid. Let's do it. 413 00:18:32,189 --> 00:18:34,501 - I'm gonna go to the kitchen. - But I want to hear what you have to say. 414 00:18:34,525 --> 00:18:36,836 It's important to me. 'Cause maybe it's the same thing, maybe it's different. 415 00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:38,880 It might be the same thing, so maybe we should just say it. 416 00:18:38,904 --> 00:18:41,198 - You want to do the classic on 11? - Yeah, okay, great. 417 00:18:41,281 --> 00:18:44,118 One, two, three, four, five, six, 418 00:18:44,201 --> 00:18:46,370 seven, eight, nine, 10, 11… 419 00:18:46,453 --> 00:18:47,955 Let's work together again! 420 00:18:48,038 --> 00:18:49,307 - Yes! I knew it! - That was it, man. 421 00:18:49,331 --> 00:18:51,208 That was awesome! Back in business. 422 00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:52,626 Yeah! 423 00:18:52,876 --> 00:18:54,378 Let's start jamming ideas. 424 00:18:54,670 --> 00:18:56,547 - Turkey. - Robot. Turkey robot. 425 00:18:56,630 --> 00:18:57,673 Just got it in one. 426 00:18:57,756 --> 00:18:59,442 - All right, let's draw up a… - I don't think we did. 427 00:18:59,466 --> 00:19:00,509 - Okay. - Ready? Black. 428 00:19:00,592 --> 00:19:02,219 Robot. Black robot. 429 00:19:02,302 --> 00:19:04,138 - Ooh, that's even better, son. - Boom. 430 00:19:04,221 --> 00:19:05,865 - Way to push for number two. - Let's… Exactly. 431 00:19:05,889 --> 00:19:08,892 Black robot. The blackest robot in town. 432 00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:11,311 That robot's so black, it's the blackest. 433 00:19:11,395 --> 00:19:13,540 I feel like marketing's gonna be a nightmare on that one. 434 00:19:13,564 --> 00:19:14,749 Okay. I'm not good at marketing. I'm good at ideas. 435 00:19:14,773 --> 00:19:15,834 - Let's stay away from robots. - Okay. 436 00:19:15,858 --> 00:19:17,317 - Yeah? All right. - Okay. 437 00:19:17,776 --> 00:19:20,029 Robot robot. 438 00:19:22,948 --> 00:19:24,467 I said let's stay away from robots though, 439 00:19:24,491 --> 00:19:25,971 - and you just said… - Black turkey! 440 00:19:26,076 --> 00:19:27,262 Look, let's maybe pick it up later. 441 00:19:27,286 --> 00:19:29,163 - Computers for babies. - We are back! 442 00:19:29,329 --> 00:19:31,331 Hair that looks like a helmet, or vice versa, 443 00:19:31,415 --> 00:19:33,393 helmet that looks like a hair is actually pretty smart. 444 00:19:33,417 --> 00:19:36,253 Oh, I'm really hot right now. A water bottle with the top cut off. 445 00:19:36,336 --> 00:19:38,630 - That's a cup! - That is just a cup. Scratch it. 446 00:19:39,131 --> 00:19:40,841 Ladies. 447 00:19:40,924 --> 00:19:44,386 - Ooh, you got bee'd up, dude. - Yeah. 448 00:19:44,595 --> 00:19:45,864 - You look like a monster. - Yeah. 449 00:19:45,888 --> 00:19:46,889 I'm not even joking. 450 00:19:46,972 --> 00:19:49,224 - You look so ugly right now. - So ugly. 451 00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:52,603 Look, I'm not some little sensitive British guy, okay? 452 00:19:52,686 --> 00:19:53,687 I am Coach. 453 00:19:53,771 --> 00:19:58,067 But right now, I am in so much pain that I am losing my mind. 454 00:19:58,150 --> 00:19:59,443 And I might never recover. 455 00:19:59,985 --> 00:20:01,945 So say hello to the new me, 456 00:20:02,029 --> 00:20:05,115 who's basically a street lunatic with a face made of fire! 457 00:20:06,408 --> 00:20:07,785 They sting you in your pants? 458 00:20:07,868 --> 00:20:10,704 Yeah, they… they stung my doodad. 459 00:20:10,871 --> 00:20:12,623 I'm gonna get you some lotion. 460 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,751 - Ow. - Ooh! 461 00:20:17,795 --> 00:20:20,297 Everyone, um, before we begin this meeting, 462 00:20:20,381 --> 00:20:24,510 I just want to say that, yes, Ryan is my boyfriend. 463 00:20:24,593 --> 00:20:26,804 And yes, I let it affect my job 464 00:20:26,887 --> 00:20:29,973 because I care what you think of me, and I always have. 465 00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:31,368 But here's what you should know. 466 00:20:31,392 --> 00:20:34,353 I love my job, and I love this man right here. 467 00:20:37,398 --> 00:20:38,399 Wow. 468 00:20:39,066 --> 00:20:41,443 I've been waiting for a moment to tell you that, 469 00:20:41,944 --> 00:20:44,655 and I guess, this is it. 470 00:20:44,988 --> 00:20:46,115 This is perfect. 471 00:20:46,323 --> 00:20:49,535 And, um, just for the record, I love you, too. 472 00:20:50,327 --> 00:20:52,913 This speech is wonderful, so please keep going. 473 00:20:52,996 --> 00:20:56,458 Oh, yeah. Um, and you can come to me with any problems 474 00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:58,460 or anything you want to ask me, 475 00:20:58,585 --> 00:21:01,839 but I'm gonna make some decisions that you don't like, 476 00:21:02,464 --> 00:21:04,258 and you're just gonna have to deal with it. 477 00:21:07,011 --> 00:21:09,054 So, uh, let's get back to work, okay? 478 00:21:10,347 --> 00:21:11,947 So is that the end of the meeting, then? 479 00:21:12,850 --> 00:21:15,352 Yep. Uh, yeah, I got a little carried away 480 00:21:15,436 --> 00:21:17,146 with the moment there. 481 00:21:17,229 --> 00:21:18,230 Anyway… 482 00:21:19,648 --> 00:21:21,233 - Put it on. - Put the crystal on. 483 00:21:21,316 --> 00:21:23,736 And… there we go. 484 00:21:24,778 --> 00:21:26,196 It's not gonna do anything. 485 00:21:26,488 --> 00:21:29,575 D Any man of mine