1 00:00:17,381 --> 00:00:19,174 - Hello! - Hey. 2 00:00:19,884 --> 00:00:22,887 - Hi. - Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates. 3 00:00:23,470 --> 00:00:28,267 I just spent the week at Ryan's, and it was absolutely lovely. 4 00:00:28,350 --> 00:00:29,977 Fake accent, smug attitude. 5 00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:32,688 This is exactly why the teachers have turned on Jyan. 6 00:00:32,771 --> 00:00:35,316 Jyan? Come on! 7 00:00:35,649 --> 00:00:37,818 You chose the worst parts of both our names. 8 00:00:37,943 --> 00:00:39,703 - That's why we chose it. - Haters gonna "H." 9 00:00:40,112 --> 00:00:41,631 That's why Ryan has to find a new job. 10 00:00:41,655 --> 00:00:43,936 You know, I hear Elijah Wood's looking for a stunt double. 11 00:00:45,075 --> 00:00:46,452 He's so small! 12 00:00:46,535 --> 00:00:48,597 Get back in that tree and make me some cookies, Ryan! 13 00:00:48,621 --> 00:00:50,748 - Cookies! - I know, so hot, right? 14 00:00:53,751 --> 00:00:55,437 Anyway, what's going on in your little lives? 15 00:00:55,461 --> 00:00:57,105 Well, I'm just enjoying the fruits of dating 16 00:00:57,129 --> 00:00:58,881 a semi-powerful local politician. 17 00:00:58,964 --> 00:01:01,926 Tonight, it's a Valentine's Day cardiologists' soiree. 18 00:01:02,301 --> 00:01:03,844 - Check that out. - Ew! 19 00:01:03,928 --> 00:01:05,197 - Oh, my goodness. - Is that the invitation? 20 00:01:05,221 --> 00:01:06,990 - Wait, that's a real heart? - Looks like meat. 21 00:01:07,014 --> 00:01:09,034 - It's not shaped like this? - Yeah, well, you know, 22 00:01:09,058 --> 00:01:12,061 the cardiologists feel that the traditional cartoon heart, 23 00:01:12,436 --> 00:01:14,063 - promotes ignorance. - That's gross. 24 00:01:14,146 --> 00:01:16,732 Where's Nick? How is he handling the breakup with Kai? 25 00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:18,668 I don't know. I haven't seen Fat Fat Fatty in a long time. 26 00:01:18,692 --> 00:01:20,795 - Yeah, me, either. - I haven't seen him since the breakup. 27 00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:22,196 You live in the same room as him. 28 00:01:22,279 --> 00:01:23,590 I've been crashing in your room while you're away. 29 00:01:23,614 --> 00:01:26,700 - Is Nick missing? - No, he is not. 30 00:01:26,909 --> 00:01:28,244 - Oh, boy. - Hey. 31 00:01:28,327 --> 00:01:29,578 - Oh, wow. - You look terrible. 32 00:01:29,662 --> 00:01:31,830 - Hey, Nick. Are you covered in gravy? - Nope. 33 00:01:32,164 --> 00:01:36,502 I've been in my room for the last week sleeping and thinking 34 00:01:36,877 --> 00:01:39,880 and really getting into the comic strip Cathy. 35 00:01:40,005 --> 00:01:42,591 Oh, so really excited that we can finally talk about Cathy. 36 00:01:42,716 --> 00:01:44,134 When she's mad, she says, "Ack." 37 00:01:44,218 --> 00:01:45,553 - Ack. - Ack. 38 00:01:45,636 --> 00:01:47,513 - Ack! - Nick, why would you come out here? 39 00:01:47,596 --> 00:01:48,990 Sounds like you were doing pretty good in there. 40 00:01:49,014 --> 00:01:50,140 Doug's Ale House. 41 00:01:51,141 --> 00:01:53,602 - The new bar on Sixth and Spring? - No. 42 00:01:53,727 --> 00:01:56,605 The exact coordinates to complete my bar crawl 43 00:01:56,689 --> 00:01:59,358 that I've been working on for almost a decade. 44 00:01:59,483 --> 00:02:00,568 - What? - Ooh. 45 00:02:00,651 --> 00:02:02,903 - Big day. - Thanks. And guess what? Good news. 46 00:02:05,698 --> 00:02:07,992 - It's tonight! Who's in? - Oh. 47 00:02:08,075 --> 00:02:10,595 You know, I'm on call at the station tonight, so I can't really drink, so… 48 00:02:10,619 --> 00:02:11,930 Fawn's speaking at a cardiologist event. 49 00:02:11,954 --> 00:02:14,514 Ryan and I have a reservation at a really fancy restaurant, so… 50 00:02:14,582 --> 00:02:18,294 You're probably thinking, "Oh, a bar crawl on Valentine's Day. 51 00:02:18,669 --> 00:02:21,589 "Is this about Nick's breakup with Kai?" No. 52 00:02:21,714 --> 00:02:23,394 - Yeah. - Now you might be asking yourself, 53 00:02:23,674 --> 00:02:25,718 "Is attendance really mandatory?" 54 00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:27,636 You bet it is. 55 00:02:28,971 --> 00:02:30,055 Bar crawl! 56 00:02:32,099 --> 00:02:33,618 He's about to crack. We have to go tonight. 57 00:02:33,642 --> 00:02:35,644 So I have news about a bar cr… 58 00:02:36,395 --> 00:02:38,498 Was I just out here talking to you guys about the bar crawl? 59 00:02:38,522 --> 00:02:39,882 Did I already pitch it all to you? 60 00:02:40,649 --> 00:02:42,151 Well, it's happening tonight! 61 00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:53,996 Okay, so we hit six bars in five hours. 62 00:02:54,246 --> 00:02:55,724 Wait, wouldn't six hours make more sense? 63 00:02:55,748 --> 00:02:57,559 Yeah, that'd make sense 'cause it all divides… 64 00:02:57,583 --> 00:02:59,418 No, no, it doesn't, because it's… 65 00:02:59,585 --> 00:03:00,711 It's five hours. 66 00:03:01,211 --> 00:03:05,090 Now, the amazing thing is, if you connect all the coordinates, 67 00:03:05,174 --> 00:03:09,595 the six bars form a perfect smiley face on the map. Look. 68 00:03:09,678 --> 00:03:11,239 You didn't actually connect all the coordinates. 69 00:03:11,263 --> 00:03:12,640 - Oh, my… - Hey, I think 70 00:03:12,723 --> 00:03:15,142 it is a really cool smiley face. 71 00:03:15,226 --> 00:03:16,870 - Thank you. - I got your back, man. I got your back. 72 00:03:16,894 --> 00:03:18,896 Actually, I have all your backs, all right? 73 00:03:18,979 --> 00:03:21,899 Uh, since I can't drink tonight, I am your designated buddy. 74 00:03:22,191 --> 00:03:25,027 Here in my backpack, I have a list of items 75 00:03:25,152 --> 00:03:26,570 that we may need. 76 00:03:26,654 --> 00:03:28,197 I got water, so… 77 00:03:28,572 --> 00:03:30,407 - I got towels for everybody. - Perfect. 78 00:03:30,491 --> 00:03:31,575 I got small stick. 79 00:03:32,701 --> 00:03:33,994 - Speaks for itself. - Oh. 80 00:03:34,078 --> 00:03:37,414 Oh. Also, one female condom. 81 00:03:37,498 --> 00:03:39,351 It's gonna go quick, so I'll let you two fight it out. 82 00:03:39,375 --> 00:03:40,501 - Uh-uh. - Uh-uh. 83 00:03:40,584 --> 00:03:42,211 Also, I got tissues for you, Nick, 84 00:03:42,294 --> 00:03:43,295 - 'cause… - What for? 85 00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,190 It's Valentine's Day, and your girlfriend broke up. 86 00:03:45,214 --> 00:03:47,150 - Yeah, it's gonna be sad… - Move it right along, man. Cool it. 87 00:03:47,174 --> 00:03:50,386 - And the bar crawl starts… - Now! 88 00:03:51,887 --> 00:03:53,222 Actually, where's Schmidt? 89 00:03:53,389 --> 00:03:55,474 Well, it's with a heavy heart… 90 00:03:55,724 --> 00:03:57,726 - Oh! - That we really must leave you. 91 00:03:57,810 --> 00:03:59,538 - We really must. He's too much. - It was a pleasure. 92 00:03:59,562 --> 00:04:00,646 Pleasure. 93 00:04:00,729 --> 00:04:01,939 Easy on the puns, okay? 94 00:04:02,022 --> 00:04:03,333 And you've got broccoli in your teeth. 95 00:04:03,357 --> 00:04:05,818 Remember what I told you about eating at public functions? 96 00:04:06,026 --> 00:04:07,611 Only use your back teeth. 97 00:04:07,736 --> 00:04:08,821 Hey, Fawn, I'm sorry. 98 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,574 We should probably get to Nick's bar crawl now, yeah? 99 00:04:12,491 --> 00:04:14,803 You remember? I confirmed it, like, 10 times with your intern. 100 00:04:14,827 --> 00:04:15,828 Yes, yes, yes, no. 101 00:04:15,911 --> 00:04:18,330 First, I need to, uh, schmooze some vascular surgeons. 102 00:04:18,414 --> 00:04:20,791 Got to get a discount on my spider vein removal. Okay? 103 00:04:20,874 --> 00:04:22,334 Okay, 10 minutes tops. 104 00:04:22,918 --> 00:04:26,130 We're still going to dinner, 'cause it took a lot to get this reservation. 105 00:04:26,255 --> 00:04:28,716 Also, we can't get wasted 'cause it's a very nice restaurant. 106 00:04:28,799 --> 00:04:31,218 Which means, we have to pretend to drink in front of Nick. 107 00:04:31,343 --> 00:04:34,513 - Is that really necessary? - Oh, yakkety-yakkety-yak. 108 00:04:34,638 --> 00:04:36,640 Don't ruin my bar crawl. Let's go. Drink. 109 00:04:36,724 --> 00:04:38,350 - Mm. - Mm. 110 00:04:38,475 --> 00:04:39,768 Mm, mmm. 111 00:04:39,935 --> 00:04:40,936 Oh, God. 112 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,981 Boom! I'm gonna outdrink you tonight, Miller. 113 00:04:44,189 --> 00:04:48,402 Cece, your mouth is writing a check that your body can't find. 114 00:04:48,527 --> 00:04:49,778 That's not an expression. 115 00:04:49,862 --> 00:04:52,948 - Regionally specific to Northern Illinois. - We say it all the time. 116 00:04:53,032 --> 00:04:54,617 - Thank you, Winston. - You're welcome. 117 00:04:55,034 --> 00:04:56,511 Don't write a check your body can't find. 118 00:04:56,535 --> 00:04:58,078 Every day, man. 119 00:04:58,162 --> 00:04:59,282 - For real. - Got to. Got to. 120 00:04:59,496 --> 00:05:01,874 - A gimlet for May. - Thank you. 121 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,001 Watch and learn, player. 122 00:05:04,084 --> 00:05:06,629 If you're a girl and you're in a bar on Valentine's Day, 123 00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:09,340 you're basically saying, "Hello. Good February." 124 00:05:09,506 --> 00:05:11,050 "I'm interested in casual sex." 125 00:05:13,510 --> 00:05:14,553 May, huh? 126 00:05:14,637 --> 00:05:16,180 - That's your name? - Yeah. 127 00:05:16,263 --> 00:05:19,600 Ah, that's crazy 'cause, uh… 128 00:05:22,686 --> 00:05:25,814 I know I just met you, but your name's already written on my heart. 129 00:05:26,523 --> 00:05:27,524 It's fate, baby. 130 00:05:28,108 --> 00:05:29,276 "It's fate," seriously? 131 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,004 All right, come on! Five-minute warning, let's go. 132 00:05:31,028 --> 00:05:32,172 Dude, I'm kind of in the middle of something. 133 00:05:32,196 --> 00:05:33,924 Oh, no, nope, you're in the middle of nothing, 134 00:05:33,948 --> 00:05:35,634 because that's the cheesiest thing I've ever seen. 135 00:05:35,658 --> 00:05:37,201 She hates you, Ernie. 136 00:05:37,284 --> 00:05:39,620 But I don't like her for you, anyway. Let's go. 137 00:05:39,703 --> 00:05:41,330 Wait, what do you mean? 138 00:05:41,497 --> 00:05:42,974 I just don't know what to do. No schools are hiring. 139 00:05:42,998 --> 00:05:44,667 I've contacted everyone I know. 140 00:05:45,042 --> 00:05:46,811 I even checked through all my contacts in England, 141 00:05:46,835 --> 00:05:48,837 including my old headmaster at Wellington Prep, 142 00:05:48,921 --> 00:05:50,565 to see if he knew of anything in the States. 143 00:05:50,589 --> 00:05:54,009 D Where there's a will there's a Wellington way d. 144 00:05:54,134 --> 00:05:56,095 How do you know the Wellington fight song? 145 00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:57,846 - You sing it in your sleep. - Oh, God. 146 00:05:57,930 --> 00:05:59,890 Look, don't worry, you're gonna find a job. 147 00:06:00,015 --> 00:06:02,536 I'm just worried about not seeing you as much if I switch schools. 148 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,603 Well, I'll just have to sleep over more. 149 00:06:06,063 --> 00:06:07,273 Or you could move in with me. 150 00:06:10,401 --> 00:06:11,986 Did the music just get louder? 151 00:06:12,361 --> 00:06:15,614 The crawl rolls on and Winston's got the rear! 152 00:06:15,698 --> 00:06:16,699 - Let's go! - Let's go. 153 00:06:16,782 --> 00:06:18,867 Let's go, let's go. 154 00:06:19,076 --> 00:06:21,453 Let's go. I got the backpack in the back of the pack! 155 00:06:23,831 --> 00:06:26,875 Hey, so listen, can't make the crawl. Bummed. 156 00:06:27,001 --> 00:06:29,044 But remember, tomorrow we have that photo shoot, 157 00:06:29,128 --> 00:06:31,672 and I'm gonna need you to look as Mexican as possible, okay? 158 00:06:31,797 --> 00:06:34,258 It's not okay. We should be together. It's Valentine's Day. 159 00:06:34,341 --> 00:06:37,344 Come on, you don't really care about Valentine's Day, do you? 160 00:06:37,469 --> 00:06:39,638 I don't know, maybe I do. Plus, you owe me. 161 00:06:39,889 --> 00:06:41,807 I ran the teleprompter at your last debate. 162 00:06:41,891 --> 00:06:43,517 I made "Fawn is Fine" bumper stickers 163 00:06:43,601 --> 00:06:45,102 - on my own dime. - Yeah. 164 00:06:45,227 --> 00:06:47,396 I even krumped at that anti-gang initiative. 165 00:06:53,152 --> 00:06:54,712 Yeah, I have mixed feelings about that. 166 00:06:54,778 --> 00:06:55,779 - Me, too. - Yeah. 167 00:06:55,863 --> 00:06:57,903 The point is, I'm tired of always doing your things. 168 00:06:58,198 --> 00:07:01,327 What do you want? You want a photo op, or you want a boyfriend? 169 00:07:02,202 --> 00:07:04,242 - Call me when you know what you want. - Yeah, okay. 170 00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:10,210 This bar completes the eyes on my smiley face. 171 00:07:10,294 --> 00:07:12,814 Miller, man, it's just an honor to be on this bar crawl with you. 172 00:07:12,838 --> 00:07:15,925 - Just serving your vision. - Are you guys going on a bar crawl? 173 00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:19,929 I just got dumped, so this holiday is really kicking me in the penis. 174 00:07:20,054 --> 00:07:21,597 Me, too, man. Me, too. 175 00:07:21,764 --> 00:07:24,350 - Hmm. - It's been a real kick in the gooch. 176 00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:25,935 Not anymore, it's not. 177 00:07:26,852 --> 00:07:27,895 'Cause you're joining us. 178 00:07:28,312 --> 00:07:30,856 Valentine's Day might be for couples, 179 00:07:31,398 --> 00:07:33,192 but the crawl is for all. 180 00:07:33,275 --> 00:07:35,402 - Yes. - We just got our motto, folks. 181 00:07:35,486 --> 00:07:38,322 The bar crawl is for all! 182 00:07:42,243 --> 00:07:45,663 Good evening. Happy Valentine's Day. May I offer you a piece of my hear… 183 00:07:46,455 --> 00:07:47,456 Hey. 184 00:07:47,831 --> 00:07:48,832 You again. 185 00:07:48,916 --> 00:07:50,894 I'm curious, do you actually think that's gonna work? 186 00:07:50,918 --> 00:07:52,336 I mean, you tell me. 187 00:07:54,505 --> 00:07:56,173 Are you trolling bars on Valentine's Day, 188 00:07:56,257 --> 00:07:58,425 trying to find sad, single girls to hook up with you? 189 00:07:58,551 --> 00:08:00,970 I'm not gonna say yes, and I'm not gonna say no, 190 00:08:01,053 --> 00:08:02,763 because saying no would be a lie. 191 00:08:03,556 --> 00:08:05,224 - So, yes. - I'm gonna… 192 00:08:05,849 --> 00:08:07,089 - I'm gonna take these. - Don't! 193 00:08:07,142 --> 00:08:09,770 - Yep. - Paid $3.50 for those. You owe me $3.50. 194 00:08:09,895 --> 00:08:12,898 I don't know, it's just such a huge step and so early in the relationship, 195 00:08:12,982 --> 00:08:14,817 and I thought that I could skip the question 196 00:08:14,984 --> 00:08:16,026 and come back to it later, 197 00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:18,696 which is the strategy I taught my SAT prep course. 198 00:08:18,779 --> 00:08:20,131 All right, let's do pros and cons. 199 00:08:20,155 --> 00:08:24,410 Okay, pros… I love him. I love his house. I love his accent. 200 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:26,787 When he says "raccoon," he says it like "rac-coon." 201 00:08:26,870 --> 00:08:28,330 - Adorable. - Cons… 202 00:08:29,832 --> 00:08:31,625 His toaster is super-old. 203 00:08:31,709 --> 00:08:34,169 Ugh! I tried to stay out of this, but move in with him! 204 00:08:34,253 --> 00:08:36,463 Yeah, well, I want to move in with him, but… 205 00:08:36,547 --> 00:08:38,007 No "but," there's no damn "but." 206 00:08:38,090 --> 00:08:40,426 - No "but." - But, what if I blew it 207 00:08:40,509 --> 00:08:42,136 by pretending I didn't hear him? 208 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:45,222 Or maybe it wasn't that obvious. 209 00:08:45,306 --> 00:08:47,141 Nah, she heard me. It was very obvious. 210 00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:48,934 I really hate to see you upset. 211 00:08:49,018 --> 00:08:50,370 You know, if I had something to… 212 00:08:50,394 --> 00:08:53,647 You know what, I do have something. I have a bag of nuts in my bag. 213 00:08:53,772 --> 00:08:54,899 Do you want a bag of nuts? 214 00:08:54,982 --> 00:08:56,609 Maybe she didn't hear you. 215 00:08:56,775 --> 00:08:58,415 - You know, she's got a lot of hair. - Mm. 216 00:08:58,485 --> 00:08:59,987 And hair blocks sound. 217 00:09:00,779 --> 00:09:03,449 It happened when we were dating all the time. 218 00:09:03,782 --> 00:09:06,785 Hey, did you get a chance to read my Walking Dead fan fiction yet? 219 00:09:08,495 --> 00:09:09,496 What'd you think? 220 00:09:12,458 --> 00:09:13,876 Well, here's the good news, lad. 221 00:09:13,959 --> 00:09:15,044 We have a solution. 222 00:09:15,419 --> 00:09:16,795 It's God's gift to man. 223 00:09:17,713 --> 00:09:18,964 - It's alcohol. - I can't. 224 00:09:19,048 --> 00:09:21,717 We agreed to pretend-drink so we could go out to dinner. 225 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,028 Are you saying that 'cause you want me 226 00:09:23,052 --> 00:09:24,887 - to go to jail for murder? - No. 227 00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:26,555 No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you 228 00:09:26,639 --> 00:09:28,933 if you're pretend-drinking on my bar crawl! 229 00:09:29,016 --> 00:09:30,684 And you're breaking my heart! 230 00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:34,813 You can't fight the crawl. It's like fighting a hurricane. 231 00:09:35,314 --> 00:09:37,500 You know what a hurricane is? Do you guys have those over the pond? 232 00:09:37,524 --> 00:09:38,859 We don't, but I know what it is. 233 00:09:38,943 --> 00:09:40,086 - You guys don't have them? - No. 234 00:09:40,110 --> 00:09:41,403 - They're awful. - Mm-hmm. 235 00:09:41,528 --> 00:09:43,197 It's like fighting one of those. 236 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:47,284 And a hurricane doesn't have fists, so just, bang, you lose! 237 00:09:48,035 --> 00:09:49,119 - Let's drink. - Yeah, man. 238 00:09:49,203 --> 00:09:50,204 - Yeah! - USA! 239 00:09:50,287 --> 00:09:51,622 - USA! - Yeah! 240 00:09:51,705 --> 00:09:53,582 USA! And also where you're from! 241 00:09:53,707 --> 00:09:55,042 - Mm. - To show respect. 242 00:09:56,919 --> 00:09:58,921 Well, happy V-Day to me. 243 00:09:59,004 --> 00:10:00,548 Fawn and I are on the rocks. 244 00:10:00,714 --> 00:10:03,884 By the way, a pun that would have killed at last week's geologist ball. 245 00:10:04,718 --> 00:10:06,971 - Let's murder her. - What? 246 00:10:07,471 --> 00:10:09,640 - I want chicken wings. - I know. 247 00:10:09,807 --> 00:10:11,087 How many drinks you had tonight? 248 00:10:11,892 --> 00:10:15,062 - Nine plus three minus one. - Oh, no. That's… 249 00:10:15,145 --> 00:10:17,815 Because I'm gonna outdrink Miller. 250 00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:19,626 You are gonna outdrink Miller? No one outdrinks Miller. 251 00:10:19,650 --> 00:10:21,402 - I do. - I guarantee you, you don't. 252 00:10:21,485 --> 00:10:22,820 You don't know me. 253 00:10:23,279 --> 00:10:25,281 Cece, Nick just got dumped, okay? 254 00:10:25,489 --> 00:10:28,993 He has a depth of anger and sadness that rests between his eyes, 255 00:10:29,076 --> 00:10:31,370 and he can drink forever and ever and ever. 256 00:10:31,453 --> 00:10:32,830 You'll lose every time. 257 00:10:32,913 --> 00:10:36,000 Hey, it's my business partner that I was telling you about. Schmidt! 258 00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:38,419 Schmidt! 259 00:10:38,502 --> 00:10:40,879 - Nick, who are all these people? - These are the crawlers. 260 00:10:41,005 --> 00:10:44,466 The single, the lonely, the close-talkers, 261 00:10:44,675 --> 00:10:47,469 the shockingly pale, the stank-mouths, 262 00:10:47,678 --> 00:10:49,430 fat boys in the back… 263 00:10:49,513 --> 00:10:51,056 The chubby-fronts, 264 00:10:51,140 --> 00:10:53,017 the delusionally-okay-with-themselves… 265 00:10:53,183 --> 00:10:56,020 But no one is alone tonight because… 266 00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:57,730 The crawl is for all! 267 00:10:57,813 --> 00:11:00,649 The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all! 268 00:11:00,774 --> 00:11:04,403 - I just want chicken wings. - Oh, you're hammered, Cece. 269 00:11:07,239 --> 00:11:09,992 - Hey. - Hey, Jess, I'm drinking fire. 270 00:11:10,117 --> 00:11:11,827 - That seems dangerous. - Mm. 271 00:11:11,911 --> 00:11:14,872 Um, I wanted to talk to you about what you said before. 272 00:11:14,997 --> 00:11:16,332 What did I say? I can't remember. 273 00:11:17,374 --> 00:11:19,251 You don't… you don't remember what you said? 274 00:11:20,002 --> 00:11:21,420 No, I embraced the crawl. 275 00:11:23,464 --> 00:11:24,465 Oh. 276 00:11:24,548 --> 00:11:27,134 D When it's cold outside… 277 00:11:27,218 --> 00:11:28,486 That sounded… That's where we're at. 278 00:11:28,510 --> 00:11:30,804 D I've got the month of May… 279 00:11:30,888 --> 00:11:32,568 - I'm up here. - Good, okay, I'm down here. 280 00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:34,241 Okay, let's do it, y'all. Check it out. 281 00:11:34,642 --> 00:11:38,562 D I guess you'd say 282 00:11:42,566 --> 00:11:43,567 Here we go! 283 00:11:43,651 --> 00:11:45,110 D Bar crawl 284 00:11:52,326 --> 00:11:55,788 Where my altos at? Come on, now, don't be shy! I see you! 285 00:11:55,871 --> 00:11:59,708 Oh, man. 286 00:11:59,792 --> 00:12:01,585 And mic drop. Who's next? 287 00:12:01,669 --> 00:12:02,920 - No. What! - No. 288 00:12:03,003 --> 00:12:04,505 - Damn it! - Are you following me? 289 00:12:04,588 --> 00:12:07,468 No, I'm not following you, dude. Do you have any nicer, sluttier friends? 290 00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,219 Yeah, I do, and I'm never introducing them to you. 291 00:12:10,302 --> 00:12:12,096 - That's messed up. - And they're real dirty. 292 00:12:12,179 --> 00:12:14,306 - Aw! - Can I have a gimlet, please? 293 00:12:14,431 --> 00:12:15,933 - ID? - Seriously? Why? 294 00:12:16,016 --> 00:12:19,478 'Cause you ordered a dumb drink. 295 00:12:21,105 --> 00:12:22,189 Oh… 296 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:24,441 Ah. 297 00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,027 - Thank you. - You have a Kansas license. 298 00:12:27,111 --> 00:12:30,030 Where I learned to drive, and I have an emotional attachment to it, 299 00:12:30,114 --> 00:12:31,824 and I don't need to explain that to you. 300 00:12:31,907 --> 00:12:33,158 No, you don't, but… 301 00:12:34,034 --> 00:12:35,995 - You're from Kansas? - Yup. 302 00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:38,998 - Well, I'm from all over. Army brat. - Oh. Me, too. 303 00:12:39,081 --> 00:12:40,082 - You are? - Yes. 304 00:12:40,165 --> 00:12:41,834 Uh, you ever lived in North Carolina? 305 00:12:41,917 --> 00:12:43,419 From 1989 to 1992. 306 00:12:43,544 --> 00:12:44,878 - Moved there in '93. - No. 307 00:12:45,004 --> 00:12:46,884 - You ever live in Germany? - Dusseldorf in '96! 308 00:12:46,964 --> 00:12:48,674 Lived there in '97! 309 00:12:48,757 --> 00:12:50,342 That's so weird. 310 00:12:50,718 --> 00:12:54,221 So, we've, like, just missed each other for our entire lives. 311 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,558 And then we meet, like, three times in a row in one night. 312 00:12:59,143 --> 00:13:00,728 Seems a little weird. 313 00:13:00,895 --> 00:13:02,021 It's kind of like, uh… 314 00:13:02,897 --> 00:13:04,690 - Fate? - No. 315 00:13:04,773 --> 00:13:06,835 - I know! I can't believe I said that! - Why did you say that? 316 00:13:06,859 --> 00:13:08,444 - That is so cheesy. - Oh, I hate that! 317 00:13:08,569 --> 00:13:09,570 Hey, Coach! 318 00:13:09,653 --> 00:13:11,155 - Coach! - I don't know them. 319 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,490 I got a female condom if you need it, my man! 320 00:13:13,574 --> 00:13:15,534 Don't hold this against me, please. 321 00:13:15,743 --> 00:13:17,786 Oh, God. 322 00:13:17,995 --> 00:13:21,248 - Here, Cece, have some water. - No, thank you. No. 323 00:13:21,832 --> 00:13:23,876 Valentine's Day just sucks. 324 00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:27,004 - I don't know. I kind of like it. - Since when? 325 00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:31,091 Since a few years ago. Since three years ago, to be exact. 326 00:13:31,175 --> 00:13:32,927 Oh, what happened three… 327 00:13:34,011 --> 00:13:35,054 Oh. 328 00:13:35,596 --> 00:13:37,514 It was when you first took a chance on me. 329 00:13:38,015 --> 00:13:39,892 And we humped until the sun came out. 330 00:13:40,226 --> 00:13:42,019 Did all the things that R. Kelly raps about. 331 00:13:42,144 --> 00:13:43,771 Yeah, I know. I was there. 332 00:13:44,605 --> 00:13:47,816 It was the best night of my life, and ever since then, 333 00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,669 Valentine's Day has always been my favorite holiday, 334 00:13:49,693 --> 00:13:50,879 and I hope that you don't remember 335 00:13:50,903 --> 00:13:53,072 that I have said any of these things tomorrow. 336 00:13:55,824 --> 00:13:57,952 - Oh, it's gonna happen again. - It's gonna… 337 00:13:58,035 --> 00:13:59,703 - It's gonna happen again. - Oh. 338 00:13:59,828 --> 00:14:00,829 - All right. - Oh… 339 00:14:02,164 --> 00:14:03,749 Somehow, this isn't repulsive. 340 00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:06,543 It's not great, but it certainly isn't the worst. 341 00:14:07,211 --> 00:14:09,630 I'm so sorry that I pretended not to hear you. 342 00:14:09,713 --> 00:14:12,091 It's just that… I wasn't ready for it, 343 00:14:12,174 --> 00:14:16,095 and sometimes you mumble with your accent, and I never fully understand you. 344 00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:17,805 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 345 00:14:17,888 --> 00:14:19,890 I asked you to move in with me out of the blue. 346 00:14:19,974 --> 00:14:22,184 What kind of nutter does that? 347 00:14:22,309 --> 00:14:25,938 The craziest mother nutter in the whole damn place! 348 00:14:26,730 --> 00:14:28,023 Ryan Geauxinue, 349 00:14:29,316 --> 00:14:31,527 - will you move in with me? - I have my own home. 350 00:14:31,610 --> 00:14:33,946 You live in a loft with four guys and a urinal. 351 00:14:34,446 --> 00:14:35,614 Will you move in with me? 352 00:14:36,907 --> 00:14:37,950 Yes. 353 00:14:38,033 --> 00:14:39,285 - Yes? - Yes! 354 00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:40,661 - Yes! - Absolutely. 355 00:14:40,786 --> 00:14:42,580 - Yes! - Yes! 356 00:14:42,830 --> 00:14:44,707 Home base! 357 00:14:44,832 --> 00:14:47,126 Barkeep, bring us beer. 358 00:14:47,209 --> 00:14:50,588 If you call me "barkeep" one more time, I'm shutting this bitch down. 359 00:14:50,754 --> 00:14:54,800 Mike, I love you, because you're gay, and 'cause you're dangerous. 360 00:14:55,009 --> 00:14:56,809 I can't believe I used to have a crush on you. 361 00:14:59,722 --> 00:15:01,962 - Hey, man. How's it going? - I'm not hooking up tonight. 362 00:15:02,224 --> 00:15:04,393 I met one girl. Several times. 363 00:15:04,602 --> 00:15:07,313 - She's pretty much perfect. - Nice. Where's she at? 364 00:15:07,479 --> 00:15:08,689 I ditched her, dude. 365 00:15:08,772 --> 00:15:11,585 She's, like, relationship material. That's not what I'm looking for tonight. 366 00:15:11,609 --> 00:15:13,277 - Really? - Yeah, I want something easy. 367 00:15:13,402 --> 00:15:14,922 - You want easy? - Like Sunday morning. 368 00:15:14,987 --> 00:15:16,256 - Like Sunday morning. - Know what I'm saying? 369 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,400 - I know what you're saying. - That bitch is a Monday. 370 00:15:18,991 --> 00:15:20,385 - Know what I'm saying? - You know what's funny? 371 00:15:20,409 --> 00:15:21,744 I got something just for that. 372 00:15:21,827 --> 00:15:23,996 You're gonna love it. Here it is! 373 00:15:24,079 --> 00:15:25,706 - I can't wait. - Give it to me right… 374 00:15:26,415 --> 00:15:28,125 - Yo! - Go get that girl, dude. 375 00:15:28,584 --> 00:15:31,420 - I don't even know where she is. - I didn't hit you that hard. 376 00:15:31,921 --> 00:15:33,255 Hey. 377 00:15:34,965 --> 00:15:36,645 This, uh, Schmidt's jacket you're wearing? 378 00:15:37,134 --> 00:15:39,511 - Yeah. - Not to be a nosy buddy, 379 00:15:39,595 --> 00:15:43,140 but sparks are flying like the Wright brothers between you two. 380 00:15:43,224 --> 00:15:44,683 And I would know. 381 00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:47,061 I have their biography here in my backpack. 382 00:15:47,144 --> 00:15:50,272 I care about Schmidt, but just as a friend, all right? 383 00:15:51,023 --> 00:15:54,151 Look me in the eyes, and tell me you don't have feelings for Schmidt. 384 00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,075 I don't have feelings for him. 385 00:16:01,158 --> 00:16:02,701 Dude, you are nowhere near my eyes. 386 00:16:02,826 --> 00:16:04,453 Nobody hit on me. I'm taken. 387 00:16:04,536 --> 00:16:06,576 - Hey, baby. - Don't talk to me. I'm a councilwoman. 388 00:16:06,789 --> 00:16:07,790 Schmidt? 389 00:16:08,207 --> 00:16:09,487 Did the whole crawl to find you. 390 00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:11,752 I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm sober. 391 00:16:12,169 --> 00:16:14,729 I'm wearing my strapless bra like a belt. But I know what I want. 392 00:16:15,798 --> 00:16:18,509 I want you. I want you to be my boyfriend. 393 00:16:20,302 --> 00:16:23,639 As much as I want a commuter lane to Costa Mesa! 394 00:16:23,722 --> 00:16:26,183 Vote Moscato! 395 00:16:31,814 --> 00:16:33,857 - What? - They're kissing. 396 00:16:33,941 --> 00:16:36,002 I thought maybe you were gonna say something like, "No," 397 00:16:36,026 --> 00:16:38,070 or like, "I miss him so much now," 'cause… 398 00:16:38,153 --> 00:16:40,239 - Last call! - Ack! 399 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,410 We got one more bar on the crawl! We have to finish the smile! 400 00:16:44,493 --> 00:16:46,245 You're never, ever gonna make it. 401 00:16:46,662 --> 00:16:49,099 And I'm never gonna ride a Jet Ski with Tom Colicchio on my back, 402 00:16:49,123 --> 00:16:51,041 so sometimes dreams just don't come true. 403 00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:52,585 I'm sorry about that guy, Galecky, 404 00:16:52,668 --> 00:16:57,339 not hugging you from behind in the water on a motorized thing! I'm sorry! 405 00:16:57,464 --> 00:16:59,967 We will finish what we have started! 406 00:17:00,092 --> 00:17:01,260 Yay! 407 00:17:01,343 --> 00:17:06,432 We will feast on the spoils of this night for a thousand moons! 408 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,768 In the name of love and booze! 409 00:17:10,561 --> 00:17:12,479 Oh, no, my crush is back. 410 00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:14,315 I hate myself. 411 00:17:17,568 --> 00:17:19,987 - Oh, this person will not stop texting me. - Who is it? 412 00:17:21,739 --> 00:17:22,865 Sorry. 413 00:17:23,449 --> 00:17:24,759 Oh, it's an e-mail from Wellington Prep. 414 00:17:24,783 --> 00:17:27,119 You do realize we were just about to have sex, right? 415 00:17:27,828 --> 00:17:29,848 Say something to get back in the mood. Say "raccoon." 416 00:17:29,872 --> 00:17:31,665 They're offering me the job of headmaster. 417 00:17:31,749 --> 00:17:32,875 In England? 418 00:17:36,211 --> 00:17:37,212 Raccoon? 419 00:17:40,341 --> 00:17:43,135 - So you'd be the headmaster? - Headmaster. 420 00:17:43,302 --> 00:17:45,262 - Of Wellington? - Of Wellington. 421 00:17:45,387 --> 00:17:46,889 Headmaster. 422 00:17:47,848 --> 00:17:50,267 Jess, look at me. 423 00:17:52,019 --> 00:17:54,355 I'm not gonna take it. Wellington's not even that great. 424 00:17:54,438 --> 00:17:57,608 You have their current headmaster as your emergency contact. 425 00:17:57,775 --> 00:18:01,362 Okay, it's heaven on Earth, and I love it. 426 00:18:01,987 --> 00:18:03,656 - But I love you more. - Well, I love you, 427 00:18:03,739 --> 00:18:06,283 which is why I can't let you pass up this opportunity. 428 00:18:08,244 --> 00:18:10,663 If we were ready to live in the same place, 429 00:18:10,913 --> 00:18:14,667 then we should be ready to live 5,000 miles apart. 430 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,962 - Yeah, I suppose, but… - I'll call you every night after work. 431 00:18:18,045 --> 00:18:19,797 It'll only be, like, midnight your time. 432 00:18:19,964 --> 00:18:21,983 I could learn to stay up late. Maybe I should try cocaine! 433 00:18:22,007 --> 00:18:23,759 - Yeah! Or coffee! - That, too. 434 00:18:23,842 --> 00:18:25,946 And I'll come and visit. It's only, like, an 11-hour flight. 435 00:18:25,970 --> 00:18:29,265 - And then a four-hour drive to Wellington. - That's so long! 436 00:18:30,307 --> 00:18:33,310 Which is great, 'cause I can catch up on podcasts. 437 00:18:33,477 --> 00:18:34,603 We can do this! 438 00:18:37,106 --> 00:18:39,358 We can do this long distance, right? 439 00:18:40,317 --> 00:18:41,318 Right. 440 00:18:42,695 --> 00:18:44,697 This is our revolution! 441 00:18:46,532 --> 00:18:49,535 - When I say "bar," you say… - Crawl! 442 00:18:49,618 --> 00:18:51,787 - Bar! - Crawl! 443 00:18:51,912 --> 00:18:54,290 Jess, are you guys coming or what? 444 00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:58,961 - Hi. - May! 445 00:19:00,337 --> 00:19:01,338 May! 446 00:19:01,714 --> 00:19:02,756 Hey. 447 00:19:03,132 --> 00:19:04,508 - You again. - Yeah. 448 00:19:05,384 --> 00:19:06,385 Me again. 449 00:19:06,468 --> 00:19:08,721 Look, um, I'm sorry about earlier. I just… 450 00:19:08,804 --> 00:19:11,765 I really didn't plan on meeting somebody so great tonight, you know? 451 00:19:12,141 --> 00:19:14,435 You messed everything up! 'Cause you're, like, awesome 452 00:19:14,518 --> 00:19:16,770 and that sucks because it's like, that's not what I want. 453 00:19:16,854 --> 00:19:20,441 And you're pretty, which is a bummer, 'cause it's like, damn, she fine, 454 00:19:20,524 --> 00:19:23,128 but it's like, at the same time, I'm like, "I don't need this in my life." 455 00:19:23,152 --> 00:19:24,778 I'm sorry. I'm just confused. 456 00:19:24,862 --> 00:19:27,197 Are you trying to say something nice right now? 457 00:19:27,323 --> 00:19:29,575 Yes. I am. 458 00:19:30,284 --> 00:19:31,493 And I'm terrible at it. 459 00:19:31,911 --> 00:19:33,787 Is there any way I could get… I, um… 460 00:19:34,455 --> 00:19:35,998 I could get your number maybe? 461 00:19:39,752 --> 00:19:42,463 Aw. 462 00:19:43,005 --> 00:19:44,173 A long number. 463 00:19:44,632 --> 00:19:47,218 What the hell is this? Is this your e-mail address? 464 00:19:47,301 --> 00:19:49,929 Write a good e-mail, and I'll go out with you. 465 00:19:51,222 --> 00:19:53,098 - What? - I'm talking full sentences, 466 00:19:53,224 --> 00:19:54,558 I'm talking no typos. 467 00:19:54,725 --> 00:19:56,560 No pictures. No pictures. 468 00:19:56,685 --> 00:19:58,747 God, you are gonna make this really hard for me, huh? 469 00:19:58,771 --> 00:19:59,897 Yes. 470 00:20:00,022 --> 00:20:01,065 Aw. 471 00:20:04,151 --> 00:20:05,361 You smell good. 472 00:20:07,446 --> 00:20:10,115 Doug's Ale House! The tip of the smile! 473 00:20:10,199 --> 00:20:12,076 The crawl is complete! 474 00:20:12,201 --> 00:20:14,662 Yeah! Yes! 475 00:20:15,204 --> 00:20:16,580 Yes! Get in! 476 00:20:25,214 --> 00:20:26,382 - Hey. - Hey. 477 00:20:26,507 --> 00:20:29,093 - Everything okay? - I'd spent a long time on the crawl, 478 00:20:29,176 --> 00:20:31,554 and now that it's over, it's just a natural sadness. 479 00:20:31,637 --> 00:20:33,615 It's just gonna take a minute. Just go on in. It's fine. 480 00:20:33,639 --> 00:20:36,350 - What's the holdup? - Nick's cracking a little bit. 481 00:20:36,475 --> 00:20:38,143 Everybody, relax, okay? 482 00:20:38,561 --> 00:20:41,772 It's just the crawl's over, Kai is over… 483 00:20:43,857 --> 00:20:45,067 I got nothing to do. 484 00:20:45,693 --> 00:20:47,853 That's it. I'm not cracking. I just have nothing to do. 485 00:20:49,446 --> 00:20:52,366 Come on! Of course, you have so much to do. 486 00:20:52,449 --> 00:20:54,219 Nick, we're business partners, man. We're teammates. 487 00:20:54,243 --> 00:20:56,996 You're a smart and talented guy. 488 00:20:57,371 --> 00:21:01,000 And tonight, we found out that you have a weird, Manson-esque charisma. 489 00:21:02,585 --> 00:21:04,604 You should make more maps, man. That's what you should do. 490 00:21:04,628 --> 00:21:05,921 You're my idea man! 491 00:21:06,005 --> 00:21:09,550 Thank you, guys. Thank you for saying all this nice stuff. I love you guys. 492 00:21:13,345 --> 00:21:15,073 It's time to go inside. We got a crawl to finish. 493 00:21:15,097 --> 00:21:17,266 Yeah, we got a crawl to finish. 494 00:21:17,349 --> 00:21:19,935 Now, out of my way, I'm getting another drink! 495 00:21:20,019 --> 00:21:21,145 I can't let you in. 496 00:21:22,396 --> 00:21:23,647 You're not wearing shoes. 497 00:21:25,316 --> 00:21:26,400 Where are your shoes, Nick? 498 00:21:26,483 --> 00:21:28,243 Honestly, I think I threw them at a squirrel. 499 00:21:28,277 --> 00:21:29,403 Everybody's waiting for you. 500 00:21:29,486 --> 00:21:31,572 I can't go into the bar. I don't have shoes on. 501 00:21:31,697 --> 00:21:34,342 - Why don't you have shoes on, Nicolas? - He threw them at a squirrel again. 502 00:21:34,366 --> 00:21:37,119 My map is just a deformed smile now. I didn't complete it. 503 00:21:38,162 --> 00:21:39,288 Or is it 504 00:21:39,955 --> 00:21:41,415 a goatee face? 505 00:21:41,749 --> 00:21:43,584 - What bar is that? - What bar is that? 506 00:21:43,751 --> 00:21:45,753 I'm glad you asked. 507 00:21:47,421 --> 00:21:49,173 Welcome to Winston's bar. 508 00:21:50,758 --> 00:21:52,301 Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. 509 00:21:53,093 --> 00:21:55,173 - You're like the black Mary Poppins! - That's right!