1 00:00:06,928 --> 00:00:09,157 Coach and May are fighting. We don't want to disturb them. 2 00:00:09,181 --> 00:00:10,432 They're not fighting. 3 00:00:10,515 --> 00:00:12,601 I know how to read body language. Look. 4 00:00:12,684 --> 00:00:14,895 Her arms are crossed in a position of dominance, 5 00:00:14,978 --> 00:00:16,414 and he's playing his forehead like a piano. 6 00:00:16,438 --> 00:00:17,648 Will you clowns focus? 7 00:00:17,731 --> 00:00:19,149 My waffle is in the toaster, 8 00:00:19,232 --> 00:00:21,777 and if I wait too long after it pops, it'll get hard. 9 00:00:21,860 --> 00:00:24,321 Look, I know about relationships. Winston can vouch for me. 10 00:00:24,404 --> 00:00:27,991 That girl, KC, just texted him, "What's up?" 11 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,994 - That riddler. - So I had him text back an empty bubble. 12 00:00:31,078 --> 00:00:34,122 Is he thinking about her? Or is a baby playing with the phone? 13 00:00:34,831 --> 00:00:36,792 She don't know, but she want to know. 14 00:00:36,875 --> 00:00:38,919 - There she is. There she is. - Oh. Hey. 15 00:00:39,002 --> 00:00:40,045 - Morning. - Hello. 16 00:00:40,128 --> 00:00:41,129 How do? 17 00:00:41,213 --> 00:00:43,548 Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle in the toaster. Bye, guys. 18 00:00:43,632 --> 00:00:46,385 Man, this waffle better be hot or I am going Durst on y'all! 19 00:00:46,468 --> 00:00:48,512 Hey… Coach. 20 00:00:48,595 --> 00:00:50,931 Why, Jess, are you talking like that? 21 00:00:51,014 --> 00:00:52,557 She thinks you and May are fighting. 22 00:00:52,641 --> 00:00:53,850 No, we're not fighting. 23 00:00:55,227 --> 00:00:56,353 We did break up though. 24 00:00:56,436 --> 00:00:59,231 Oh, my God, I knew it. I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened? 25 00:00:59,314 --> 00:01:03,276 May accepted a job in New York as a section musician for the Met. 26 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,737 Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her? Oh, bravo. 27 00:01:05,821 --> 00:01:07,423 Good for… You know, I've always been a fan of his. 28 00:01:07,447 --> 00:01:10,617 When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold 29 00:01:10,701 --> 00:01:13,662 with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra, it was magnificent. 30 00:01:13,745 --> 00:01:15,998 - Jar or slap? - I don't have any cash on me. 31 00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:18,709 - Good slap. - Are you okay? 32 00:01:18,792 --> 00:01:20,002 Do you want to talk about it? 33 00:01:20,085 --> 00:01:22,004 No, I'm good. Yeah. I'll miss her, but… 34 00:01:22,087 --> 00:01:24,381 We're still friends. We're cool. I'm cool. 35 00:01:24,464 --> 00:01:25,674 - Cool. - All right. 36 00:01:27,551 --> 00:01:28,885 He is not good. 37 00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:32,681 Winston, get back here! We need to powwow about May and Coach! 38 00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:36,685 Winnie's gonna need a minute. 39 00:01:44,693 --> 00:01:47,154 What are you reading? What is… 40 00:01:47,487 --> 00:01:49,531 One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself? 41 00:01:49,614 --> 00:01:52,576 It's really inspiring. I actually want to be the woman in this book. 42 00:01:52,659 --> 00:01:55,245 "Finding inner strength in a time of crises." 43 00:01:56,413 --> 00:01:57,706 Cece, are you in crises? 44 00:01:57,789 --> 00:02:00,542 I'm fine. Cece's fine. 45 00:02:00,709 --> 00:02:02,502 How are you? How's Fawn holding up? 46 00:02:02,794 --> 00:02:05,339 If you must know, my paramour Councilwoman Fawn Moscato 47 00:02:05,422 --> 00:02:07,132 has been so strong since the incident. 48 00:02:09,134 --> 00:02:11,136 You know, reporters are calling it Panty-Gate. 49 00:02:11,219 --> 00:02:13,096 There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom 50 00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:15,390 all over the Internet. Sid, put the phone away. 51 00:02:16,558 --> 00:02:19,645 You picked it up right when I said "naked lady-bottom." 52 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:21,920 - Please. - You guys are good, then? 53 00:02:22,522 --> 00:02:23,916 You know, 'cause the last time we spoke, 54 00:02:23,940 --> 00:02:26,902 you said you were feeling a little, you know, used. 55 00:02:26,985 --> 00:02:28,904 Well, not anymore. We're a team now. 56 00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:30,405 Fawn and Schmidt. 57 00:02:30,489 --> 00:02:31,490 Fawmidt. 58 00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:33,533 - Vomit? - No, Fawmidt. 59 00:02:33,617 --> 00:02:36,411 - You're saying the word "vomit." - No, I don't hear that, but okay. 60 00:02:36,495 --> 00:02:38,538 Fawn's holding a press conference later today, 61 00:02:38,622 --> 00:02:40,415 and I don't mean to toot my own shofar, 62 00:02:40,499 --> 00:02:42,259 but I'll be standing there right by her side. 63 00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,711 So this scandal is actually bringing you two closer together. 64 00:02:44,795 --> 00:02:46,546 Team Fawmidt has never been stronger. 65 00:02:48,048 --> 00:02:50,926 I heard it there. Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit." 66 00:02:51,009 --> 00:02:52,260 - That's a problem. - Mmm-hmm. 67 00:02:54,763 --> 00:02:58,266 "Roughly the same length as The Pearl." How is that a pull quote? 68 00:02:59,017 --> 00:03:00,394 And that 69 00:03:01,395 --> 00:03:03,522 is how babies get made. It's gross, right? 70 00:03:03,772 --> 00:03:05,148 How does the sperm find the egg? 71 00:03:05,399 --> 00:03:06,984 Propelled by its tail, 72 00:03:07,651 --> 00:03:10,696 the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg. 73 00:03:10,988 --> 00:03:12,668 Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches, 74 00:03:12,698 --> 00:03:15,283 but for Mr. Sperm there, it's miles away. 75 00:03:17,411 --> 00:03:20,205 Miles and miles and miles away. 76 00:03:22,457 --> 00:03:23,834 It's almost like… 77 00:03:25,293 --> 00:03:29,298 Why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm? 78 00:03:29,381 --> 00:03:31,341 You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm 79 00:03:31,425 --> 00:03:32,759 have a great time together? 80 00:03:32,843 --> 00:03:36,263 And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave and go to New York? 81 00:03:37,222 --> 00:03:38,890 To play music with some other sperm. 82 00:03:38,974 --> 00:03:41,935 You're just gonna leave? You're gonna leave your sperm 83 00:03:42,019 --> 00:03:43,979 and go play music with other sperms? 84 00:03:44,062 --> 00:03:45,897 And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that! 85 00:03:45,981 --> 00:03:49,026 You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck! 86 00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:50,753 This sperm got swag. All those other sperms 87 00:03:50,777 --> 00:03:53,363 ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm 88 00:03:53,739 --> 00:03:56,658 sport this much green and still look dope? 89 00:03:57,909 --> 00:04:00,871 No! That ain't tight! This is tight! 90 00:04:02,205 --> 00:04:03,415 This is tight! 91 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:07,044 I just want you to come back, and I… 92 00:04:10,547 --> 00:04:12,507 I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health. 93 00:04:13,258 --> 00:04:14,968 I miss her! 94 00:04:15,677 --> 00:04:16,845 May! 95 00:04:17,220 --> 00:04:19,931 Listen, thanks for standing next to me up there, Ponyboy. 96 00:04:20,015 --> 00:04:22,615 I hope this show of remorse will keep these reporters off my back. 97 00:04:22,684 --> 00:04:24,245 Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what, 98 00:04:24,269 --> 00:04:26,623 once this is over, maybe we get out of here for a little bit. 99 00:04:26,647 --> 00:04:28,857 - Oh. - Lay low, rent a cabin in the woods… 100 00:04:28,940 --> 00:04:31,318 - Yeah. - Read some poetry, have horizontal sex. 101 00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,403 Okay, two of those three things sound like fun. 102 00:04:33,487 --> 00:04:36,156 Now, here's your statement in case you're asked any questions. 103 00:04:36,239 --> 00:04:38,879 Oh, a… I'm not gonna need a statement. I'm a seasoned improviser. 104 00:04:39,326 --> 00:04:40,786 Hey, guys. We're the Belly Laughs. 105 00:04:40,994 --> 00:04:42,204 So I need a location. 106 00:04:42,287 --> 00:04:43,538 How 'bout fat camp? 107 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:50,212 That's adorable. But just, please, read what I wrote. 108 00:04:50,462 --> 00:04:52,582 I will. But I'm not gonna do it until I get out there. 109 00:04:52,631 --> 00:04:54,150 You're gonna want me in the moment for this. 110 00:04:54,174 --> 00:04:55,217 Okay. 111 00:04:59,012 --> 00:05:00,097 Good afternoon. 112 00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:04,434 Um, before I answer any of your questions, my partner would like to read a statement. 113 00:05:05,143 --> 00:05:06,228 Honey. 114 00:05:08,730 --> 00:05:09,940 I am a sick man. 115 00:05:15,362 --> 00:05:16,905 On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato 116 00:05:16,989 --> 00:05:19,449 was caught not wearing underpants because I… 117 00:05:20,784 --> 00:05:22,202 I asked her not to wear them. 118 00:05:23,954 --> 00:05:25,163 Why? 119 00:05:30,502 --> 00:05:31,878 Because it turns me on. 120 00:05:34,131 --> 00:05:36,591 What I did was wrong. I'm so sorry, Fawn. 121 00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:39,303 I'm sorry, Los Angeles. 122 00:05:42,764 --> 00:05:45,600 And I'm sorry to the man upstairs, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 123 00:05:50,939 --> 00:05:53,025 - Dress shirts on a Monday? - You know how it is. 124 00:05:53,358 --> 00:05:56,111 Coach breaks up with a lady, we take him out, and he gets loaded. 125 00:05:56,194 --> 00:05:57,696 Yeah, I know how it usually goes 126 00:05:57,904 --> 00:06:00,064 when Coach breaks up with a girl, but May is different. 127 00:06:00,324 --> 00:06:02,385 Sometimes she comes over and they don't even have sex. 128 00:06:02,409 --> 00:06:04,703 - I don't get that. - Trust me, I am right about this, 129 00:06:04,786 --> 00:06:07,956 just like I was right about them fighting. I'm on, like, a streak here. 130 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,543 I might just be an expert in love. 131 00:06:11,752 --> 00:06:14,296 Like a… You know, like a love doctor, if you will. 132 00:06:14,379 --> 00:06:17,799 I will not. You are the least qualified person 133 00:06:17,883 --> 00:06:20,802 to call themselves a doctor of love. 134 00:06:21,136 --> 00:06:23,096 Exhibit "A": You dated me. 135 00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:24,556 I rest my case. 136 00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:28,268 - Court is adjourned. - Guilty as charged. 137 00:06:29,478 --> 00:06:30,646 Put… I would stop that. 138 00:06:30,729 --> 00:06:34,650 Case rested. Listen, I got to say I agree with Nick on this one, Jess. 139 00:06:34,733 --> 00:06:37,486 I mean, it's been a whole day, and KC still hasn't texted me. 140 00:06:37,569 --> 00:06:40,030 Well, that's just proof that the bubble is working. 141 00:06:40,113 --> 00:06:42,449 Look, you guys, Coach needs to talk to May. 142 00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,409 Trust me. He is in pain. 143 00:06:45,577 --> 00:06:48,664 I'm happy and I'm healthy and I'm ready to party! 144 00:06:48,747 --> 00:06:50,791 Let's get drunk! 145 00:06:50,874 --> 00:06:52,000 You're wrong. 146 00:06:52,084 --> 00:06:53,502 Coach. 147 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,647 Do you want to talk about what happened today or… 148 00:06:55,671 --> 00:06:57,464 Talk about what? Nah. 149 00:06:57,547 --> 00:07:00,676 Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor? 150 00:07:00,759 --> 00:07:02,219 May's gonna be recording later. 151 00:07:02,302 --> 00:07:03,571 She's gonna stop by and pick up her rubber circle. 152 00:07:03,595 --> 00:07:04,805 May has a diaphragm? 153 00:07:04,888 --> 00:07:07,975 No, it's the thing that you put on the floor to stabilize the cello. 154 00:07:08,058 --> 00:07:09,726 - Condom. - No. 155 00:07:09,810 --> 00:07:12,938 No, it's the thing you put on the floor to make sure the cello stays put. 156 00:07:13,021 --> 00:07:15,399 - Cello stabilizer. - Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer. 157 00:07:15,482 --> 00:07:18,568 Oh. Well, wouldn't you like to be here when she comes by? 158 00:07:18,652 --> 00:07:20,570 No, that's gonna be hella weird. 159 00:07:20,654 --> 00:07:22,531 - I want to party! - Yeah! 160 00:07:23,156 --> 00:07:24,908 - We 'bout to… - Come on, party! 161 00:07:24,992 --> 00:07:29,037 I'm gonna do this and gonna do this, this, this, this, this. 162 00:07:32,499 --> 00:07:33,750 What was that speech? 163 00:07:34,084 --> 00:07:36,479 I'm sorry, okay? I told you to read the statement beforehand, 164 00:07:36,503 --> 00:07:39,863 and then you told me that terrifying story about doing improv at a fat person's camp. 165 00:07:40,132 --> 00:07:43,593 I didn't know that the statement was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate. 166 00:07:44,261 --> 00:07:48,140 And by the way, for your information, the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv. 167 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:49,933 We reinvented it. 168 00:07:50,309 --> 00:07:53,603 I know you must be embarrassed, but you saved me. 169 00:07:53,687 --> 00:07:55,480 Yeah, well, people think I'm a sicko now. 170 00:07:55,564 --> 00:07:57,458 - One of your aides spit at me. - Was it Shallon? 171 00:07:57,482 --> 00:08:00,068 Yeah, that's a lisp, but still, he's fired. 172 00:08:00,736 --> 00:08:03,280 Look, if you want to leave, I completely understand. 173 00:08:03,363 --> 00:08:04,656 But the truth is… 174 00:08:05,532 --> 00:08:07,326 I can't do this without you. 175 00:08:08,785 --> 00:08:11,163 Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted. 176 00:08:11,246 --> 00:08:13,999 Just one last photo op. You and I having a lovely evening. 177 00:08:14,082 --> 00:08:15,762 Show the press everything's back to normal. 178 00:08:15,792 --> 00:08:19,004 And then I promise it'll just all be about us. 179 00:08:19,087 --> 00:08:20,547 Could we do horizontal sex? 180 00:08:20,839 --> 00:08:22,382 - Yes. - With foreplay? 181 00:08:25,010 --> 00:08:26,863 - It's a deal-b… It's a deal-breaker. - Uh… Yeah. 182 00:08:26,887 --> 00:08:28,927 - It's a deal-breaker. Okay. - Fine, yes, fine, yes. 183 00:08:30,515 --> 00:08:33,518 Oh, God. No, please. Oh… Oh, God. 184 00:08:33,727 --> 00:08:35,520 May. 185 00:08:36,104 --> 00:08:37,272 Cece! 186 00:08:37,356 --> 00:08:38,690 So Coach and May broke up? 187 00:08:38,774 --> 00:08:40,859 Long story short, they shouldn't have broken up, 188 00:08:40,942 --> 00:08:42,861 and I am the only person that sees this. 189 00:08:42,944 --> 00:08:47,658 I realize I'm kind of an expert in love. A love doctor, if you will. 190 00:08:47,741 --> 00:08:49,034 Where are your crackers? 191 00:08:49,368 --> 00:08:50,452 Above the fridge. 192 00:08:50,535 --> 00:08:53,497 Cece, did they raise your tuition again? Why are you so hungry? 193 00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:57,209 I've decided I'm going to climb Mount Shasta. 194 00:08:57,834 --> 00:08:58,960 By yourself? 195 00:08:59,044 --> 00:09:01,606 I'm leaving for three weeks. I want to be like the woman in the book. 196 00:09:01,630 --> 00:09:04,424 I want to go on a climbing trip and find myself. 197 00:09:05,133 --> 00:09:11,181 Okay, um… Ceec, are you sure you're ready for a climbing trip? 198 00:09:11,515 --> 00:09:15,352 Jess, I just… I can't sit here and watch Schmidt with Fawn. 199 00:09:16,770 --> 00:09:19,690 And I don't think they're breaking up any time soon, so… 200 00:09:19,773 --> 00:09:22,859 Cece, they're never gonna last. He doesn't really love her. 201 00:09:23,568 --> 00:09:24,903 Did he tell you that? 202 00:09:25,570 --> 00:09:26,738 No, but… 203 00:09:27,072 --> 00:09:29,533 As a doctor of love, I sense these things. 204 00:09:31,743 --> 00:09:33,245 The Love Doctor just knows. 205 00:09:38,208 --> 00:09:41,294 - May. - Hi. Uh, I'm here for my endpin anchor. 206 00:09:41,378 --> 00:09:44,089 - Yeah. - Ah, thank you. 207 00:09:44,339 --> 00:09:46,508 Very sorry to hear about the breakup. 208 00:09:46,675 --> 00:09:49,219 - Are you okay? - Um, yeah. Yeah. 209 00:09:49,303 --> 00:09:51,179 I'm here to talk if you ever need to. 210 00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:54,891 In hard times, it's nice to have a friend, May. 211 00:09:54,975 --> 00:09:56,226 Thanks… 212 00:09:57,019 --> 00:09:58,145 Jess, right? 213 00:09:58,437 --> 00:10:00,147 - Yes. - Well, uh… 214 00:10:00,230 --> 00:10:01,666 I'm in the middle of a recording session. 215 00:10:01,690 --> 00:10:03,650 I got to get back to the studio, so… See ya. 216 00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:05,027 Bye. 217 00:10:07,696 --> 00:10:10,615 Yeah, Jess, she looks real broken up about it. 218 00:10:17,789 --> 00:10:20,167 - I… I'm a mess. - I know! 219 00:10:23,378 --> 00:10:24,755 The doctor is in. 220 00:10:25,547 --> 00:10:27,591 - Wait, what? - Nothing. Cry it out. 221 00:10:31,553 --> 00:10:34,431 - Mmm! Ah. - Wow. 222 00:10:34,514 --> 00:10:36,850 I've never seen Coach go this hard after a breakup, man. 223 00:10:37,059 --> 00:10:38,995 - You sure he's okay? - It's good, it's good, it's good. 224 00:10:39,019 --> 00:10:41,146 You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, 225 00:10:41,229 --> 00:10:43,398 you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. 226 00:10:43,482 --> 00:10:45,692 - That's science. - I feel that, man. 227 00:10:45,776 --> 00:10:48,570 It is time to turn things up. Sidney! 228 00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:50,781 Do what you do! 229 00:10:57,204 --> 00:10:58,413 Aw… 230 00:10:59,956 --> 00:11:03,502 This is my jam. 231 00:11:05,045 --> 00:11:06,481 We've only been dating for a few months. 232 00:11:06,505 --> 00:11:07,881 I just thought that… 233 00:11:08,298 --> 00:11:10,968 That breaking up was, like, the smart thing to do, you know? 234 00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:14,596 I know you're upset, sweetie, but I… I can't understand 235 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,057 anything you're saying with the crackers. 236 00:11:18,225 --> 00:11:21,103 - Do you love him? - I think I do. 237 00:11:21,353 --> 00:11:23,233 Well, then maybe moving to New York doesn't mean 238 00:11:23,271 --> 00:11:25,232 - you have to break up. - So you think 239 00:11:25,315 --> 00:11:28,568 that I should… That I should ask Coach to move with me? 240 00:11:28,652 --> 00:11:30,252 Okay, how about we put down the crackers? 241 00:11:31,989 --> 00:11:34,866 I think she wants Coach to move to New York with her. 242 00:11:35,075 --> 00:11:37,452 - Oh! Yes, yes! - I mean… 243 00:11:37,536 --> 00:11:39,616 Yeah? You… You… You think that he would say yeah? 244 00:11:39,663 --> 00:11:41,039 Yeah. Definitely. 245 00:11:41,123 --> 00:11:43,667 He's crazy about you. He had a meltdown today in health class. 246 00:11:44,084 --> 00:11:47,004 Now, the kids did learn that sex is emotionally complicated, 247 00:11:47,087 --> 00:11:48,880 so it was a good class, but trust me… 248 00:11:48,964 --> 00:11:51,758 What Jess is trying to say here is that if you… 249 00:11:52,551 --> 00:11:55,095 If you really know how you feel about someone, 250 00:11:55,178 --> 00:11:56,555 you need to act now. 251 00:11:58,056 --> 00:11:59,057 Wow. 252 00:11:59,141 --> 00:12:00,517 Am I really doing this? 253 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,478 Yeah, but not before we clean your face, 'cause it's caked in snot. 254 00:12:04,813 --> 00:12:06,815 Ooh, yeah, Coach! 255 00:12:07,816 --> 00:12:09,168 Who you think he's gonna hook up with? 256 00:12:09,192 --> 00:12:10,485 It's a tough Monday crowd. It… 257 00:12:10,569 --> 00:12:13,339 It's nearly impossible to say, but I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit 258 00:12:13,363 --> 00:12:16,325 and, uh, the leopard print leggings. She looks smart to me. 259 00:12:16,408 --> 00:12:17,576 No way. No way. 260 00:12:17,659 --> 00:12:19,178 My money's on the one with the wedding ring 261 00:12:19,202 --> 00:12:21,722 whose husband is clearly over there in the corner spying on her. 262 00:12:21,955 --> 00:12:23,290 Yeah, he's not happy about that. 263 00:12:24,416 --> 00:12:26,668 Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer 264 00:12:26,752 --> 00:12:27,878 just entered the scene! 265 00:12:27,961 --> 00:12:30,005 You're tiny. I like it. 266 00:12:30,797 --> 00:12:32,299 There she… Oh! For the kiss! 267 00:12:32,382 --> 00:12:35,260 - Oh! - The winner. The winner. 268 00:12:35,761 --> 00:12:36,970 What the hell? 269 00:12:37,054 --> 00:12:38,221 Oh. May's here. Coach! 270 00:12:42,142 --> 00:12:43,810 May here, she here! 271 00:12:46,229 --> 00:12:48,482 Wha… Uh, May! What are… What are you doing here? 272 00:12:49,232 --> 00:12:50,317 No, come on. 273 00:12:50,984 --> 00:12:52,152 No, no… 274 00:12:52,235 --> 00:12:54,363 In a flash, he is gone. 275 00:12:54,446 --> 00:12:56,114 It happened so soon… 276 00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:58,718 In case you were wondering, she, uh… 277 00:12:58,742 --> 00:13:01,953 She did get her little rubber holder thing. 278 00:13:10,379 --> 00:13:13,006 Coach, um, I wanted to apologize. 279 00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:14,817 - Not now, honey. - He needs some time, honey. 280 00:13:14,841 --> 00:13:16,444 - I brought over a beer. - We'll take that beer. 281 00:13:16,468 --> 00:13:17,511 Give us that beer, honey. 282 00:13:19,137 --> 00:13:20,263 Sorry. 283 00:13:21,473 --> 00:13:26,603 I'm not a freaking love doctor. I'm Dr. E.D. Ote. 284 00:13:26,687 --> 00:13:27,938 Dr. Idiot. 285 00:13:28,021 --> 00:13:31,274 Yeah, I get it. I just never understood the whole love doctor thing, anyway. 286 00:13:31,358 --> 00:13:34,403 I guess I was just hoping that with all the mistakes I've made, 287 00:13:34,486 --> 00:13:36,780 at least I could help you guys find love. 288 00:13:36,863 --> 00:13:39,616 That I didn't go through all that for no reason. 289 00:13:40,826 --> 00:13:42,178 Yeah, but no one has the answers, you know? 290 00:13:42,202 --> 00:13:44,830 It's love, it makes no sense. It's messy. 291 00:13:45,747 --> 00:13:47,708 There's no such thing as a love doctor. 292 00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:50,877 You know what, Cece? 293 00:13:51,253 --> 00:13:54,047 Go on your trip. Go get over Schmidt. 294 00:13:54,381 --> 00:13:55,549 Don't listen to me. 295 00:13:55,632 --> 00:13:57,050 I'm gonna climb that mountain. 296 00:13:57,926 --> 00:13:59,279 Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. 297 00:13:59,303 --> 00:14:02,222 But I'm not gonna do it for Schmidt, I'm gonna do it for me. 298 00:14:02,639 --> 00:14:03,724 Good. Go. 299 00:14:03,890 --> 00:14:05,767 - I love you, girl. - Love you, too. 300 00:14:09,938 --> 00:14:12,316 Hey, don't smile. Don't smile. 301 00:14:12,399 --> 00:14:13,793 Look sadder that you're buying underpants. 302 00:14:13,817 --> 00:14:15,235 Underpants make you very, very sad. 303 00:14:15,319 --> 00:14:17,195 Oh, I hate being here so much. 304 00:14:17,612 --> 00:14:20,240 These underpants make me so uncomfortable. 305 00:14:20,324 --> 00:14:22,993 That's perfect. There's that fat boy improv training. 306 00:14:23,076 --> 00:14:25,722 Now, next, I'm going to ask for something with a little more coverage, 307 00:14:25,746 --> 00:14:27,307 you're gonna flip out, say you can't take it anymore, 308 00:14:27,331 --> 00:14:28,332 and leave the store. 309 00:14:28,415 --> 00:14:30,685 Then tomorrow, we enter you into some kind of rehab facility. 310 00:14:30,709 --> 00:14:32,812 When you get out, we'll announce that we're getting married. 311 00:14:32,836 --> 00:14:34,713 - Married? What? I don't… - Shh. Yes. Shh. 312 00:14:35,297 --> 00:14:36,548 Yes, yes. Okay. 313 00:14:36,632 --> 00:14:39,593 So what I say is we build on this momentum, okay? 314 00:14:39,676 --> 00:14:40,886 And we get married. 315 00:14:40,969 --> 00:14:44,890 I know it's not the most romantic idea in the world, but we'd be happy. 316 00:14:44,973 --> 00:14:46,767 And then, we play our cards right, 317 00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:49,144 you and I are living in the mayor's mansion by 2020. 318 00:14:50,479 --> 00:14:51,980 Fawn. Fawn. 319 00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:56,109 - No. - No? Oh, no to some of it? 320 00:14:56,193 --> 00:14:58,779 No to all of it. We can't get married. I barely even know you. 321 00:14:58,862 --> 00:15:01,531 - You… You know me. - The real you, Fawn. 322 00:15:01,615 --> 00:15:03,075 This is the real me. 323 00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:06,870 I'm a politician, not in The Vagina Monologues. 324 00:15:06,953 --> 00:15:10,791 I mean, what do you want? I can get you anything you want. 325 00:15:10,874 --> 00:15:13,210 - You'll be rich, I'll be powerful. - I'm realizing 326 00:15:14,961 --> 00:15:16,755 just now that it's not what I want. 327 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,300 I don't want any of that. 328 00:15:20,384 --> 00:15:21,593 I want to be in love. 329 00:15:23,095 --> 00:15:26,348 I want to be… I want to be crazy in love. 330 00:15:26,431 --> 00:15:28,071 Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé 331 00:15:28,141 --> 00:15:29,619 and then pretend like you just thought of it. 332 00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:32,896 - Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love. - But that's also a Beyoncé lyric. 333 00:15:33,522 --> 00:15:34,773 Come on, Fawn. 334 00:15:35,691 --> 00:15:37,067 You're not really in love with me. 335 00:15:38,193 --> 00:15:40,028 I'm not really in love with you. 336 00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:44,700 We just look great together buying underpants. 337 00:15:46,785 --> 00:15:48,412 Are you breaking up with me? 338 00:15:50,455 --> 00:15:51,873 I guess I kind of am. 339 00:15:53,917 --> 00:15:55,335 Well, um… 340 00:15:56,294 --> 00:15:59,256 I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but… 341 00:16:01,341 --> 00:16:02,843 Does this mean I lose your vote? 342 00:16:05,637 --> 00:16:06,888 Never. 343 00:16:12,644 --> 00:16:15,522 I just can't stand to be in here any longer! 344 00:16:16,273 --> 00:16:18,984 Surrounded by these underpants! 345 00:16:19,568 --> 00:16:22,904 Red ones and yellow ones and blue ones and pink ones! 346 00:16:22,988 --> 00:16:27,117 And this woman with her brassiere-slash-teddy! 347 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,494 Underpants everywhere! They're driving me nuts! 348 00:16:29,578 --> 00:16:31,663 I feel like I got underpants all over my body! 349 00:16:31,747 --> 00:16:34,291 Schmidt out. This is ridiculous. 350 00:16:34,374 --> 00:16:36,835 Enough is enough. Get out of here, paparazzi. 351 00:16:38,337 --> 00:16:40,797 No, leave me… Get out of my way, sir. 352 00:16:52,309 --> 00:16:53,977 - I just want to say something. - No. 353 00:16:54,061 --> 00:16:55,103 And then I'll leave. 354 00:16:55,187 --> 00:16:57,814 Look, I'll never get involved in your personal life ever again. 355 00:16:58,065 --> 00:17:00,317 Okay? Because I have no idea what I'm talking about. 356 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,443 And I know that now. 357 00:17:01,526 --> 00:17:03,779 You could just… You could just troll for basic bitches 358 00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:06,323 at the juice bar, and I will say, mmm, nothing. 359 00:17:06,406 --> 00:17:09,368 Okay? So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry. 360 00:17:09,451 --> 00:17:10,619 I do love her. 361 00:17:14,081 --> 00:17:16,750 - I'm crazy about her. - Yes! I was right! 362 00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:19,711 Love Doctor! I'm back. 363 00:17:19,795 --> 00:17:21,713 Really? I thought it was just a regular breakup. 364 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,424 But in all fairness, I hadn't thought about it that hard. 365 00:17:24,841 --> 00:17:26,176 I mean, what do I do, man? 366 00:17:26,718 --> 00:17:28,845 You know, it's like she's going to New York. 367 00:17:28,929 --> 00:17:30,239 - Yup. - I can't go to New York with her. 368 00:17:30,263 --> 00:17:31,306 That's crazy. You know? 369 00:17:31,390 --> 00:17:33,430 I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left. 370 00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:36,770 It's a rule of mine. Plus, I'd have to leave you guys. 371 00:17:37,854 --> 00:17:40,524 Can't leave you guys, I mean, I finally have a home. 372 00:17:44,945 --> 00:17:47,489 All right, flash forward to the future. 373 00:17:48,865 --> 00:17:50,826 40, 50 years. 374 00:17:51,410 --> 00:17:54,454 - You're married. Kids, grandkids. - Mmm-hmm. 375 00:17:54,538 --> 00:17:55,747 - I'm long dead. - Naturally. 376 00:17:55,831 --> 00:17:57,499 - Of course. - And you look over 377 00:17:57,582 --> 00:17:58,902 to the woman sitting next to you. 378 00:17:59,584 --> 00:18:00,919 And she's gray. 379 00:18:01,545 --> 00:18:03,547 - She's old. - She has that, like, grandma smell. 380 00:18:03,630 --> 00:18:06,550 - You have a grandpa smell, but you got… - Grandmas always smell like… 381 00:18:06,591 --> 00:18:07,944 Like right when you open a cupboard. 382 00:18:07,968 --> 00:18:10,470 - Yeah, she has that smell, but… - Mmm-hmm. 383 00:18:10,554 --> 00:18:11,763 You love her. 384 00:18:12,472 --> 00:18:13,598 Be honest with yourself. 385 00:18:13,682 --> 00:18:15,892 Is that fat old lady sitting beside you… 386 00:18:15,976 --> 00:18:18,496 Mmm… Honestly, right now, in my head, I'm just picturing, like, 387 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,188 a beanbag chair with a wig on it. 388 00:18:20,272 --> 00:18:22,816 Okay. We have gone too much into the description. 389 00:18:22,899 --> 00:18:25,235 - Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Is that May? 390 00:18:28,947 --> 00:18:30,157 I think so. 391 00:18:32,826 --> 00:18:34,036 Well, that's big. 392 00:18:35,787 --> 00:18:36,913 Let's go get her. 393 00:18:36,997 --> 00:18:37,998 - Yeah? - Yeah. 394 00:18:38,081 --> 00:18:39,183 - Whoo-hoo! - Let's go get May. 395 00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:40,208 Yeah! 396 00:18:40,834 --> 00:18:42,994 Hey, Jess, she texted me back! The blank bubble worked! 397 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,257 Guys? Have you seen my white friends? 398 00:18:48,216 --> 00:18:50,010 In 40 years, when we're old and… 399 00:18:50,093 --> 00:18:52,262 - Do it. - A mess of fat, 400 00:18:52,679 --> 00:18:55,724 loose skin hanging, I have boobs, 401 00:18:55,807 --> 00:18:57,434 and you've got hair on your face… 402 00:18:57,851 --> 00:18:59,829 Holding my rock sack while I'm sitting on the toilet 403 00:18:59,853 --> 00:19:01,396 so it doesn't fall in the water. 404 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:03,148 What are you saying? 405 00:19:03,231 --> 00:19:06,902 I'm saying, as you get older, your testicles lengthen. 406 00:19:07,569 --> 00:19:09,154 No, what I'm saying is I love you. 407 00:19:09,655 --> 00:19:10,697 - Oh. - And that I would be 408 00:19:10,781 --> 00:19:14,993 a fool if I let you leave to New York without even fighting for us. 409 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:22,125 Ernie… 410 00:19:23,502 --> 00:19:24,670 I love you, too. 411 00:19:26,672 --> 00:19:30,092 - But I… I can't stay here. - I don't want you to stay here. 412 00:19:30,175 --> 00:19:34,012 Um… Look, I know we haven't been dating that long, 413 00:19:34,096 --> 00:19:36,974 and, um, this might seem crazy, but I was won… 414 00:19:37,057 --> 00:19:38,600 Will you move to New York with me? 415 00:19:38,892 --> 00:19:40,769 Yes! That! That's what I… 416 00:19:40,852 --> 00:19:42,538 - Yes? - Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah. 417 00:19:42,562 --> 00:19:44,147 Right. So, we're moving to New York? 418 00:19:44,231 --> 00:19:46,250 - We're moving to New York. - We're moving to New York! 419 00:19:46,274 --> 00:19:47,776 - Jersey City. - What? 420 00:19:47,859 --> 00:19:49,820 - Jersey City! - Jersey… I don't… 421 00:19:54,324 --> 00:19:55,867 Well, this is all you, Jess. 422 00:19:56,159 --> 00:19:57,828 - This is all you. - Come on. 423 00:19:58,036 --> 00:19:59,997 I mean it. If Coach were hanging out with me, 424 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,124 we'd be beating up a priest right now. 425 00:20:02,207 --> 00:20:04,584 You had a lot to do with this, too. 426 00:20:05,293 --> 00:20:06,753 No, really. All that stuff about. 427 00:20:07,337 --> 00:20:09,256 "Who do you see yourself next to?" 428 00:20:09,881 --> 00:20:12,509 That's… That's really good. Do you do that? 429 00:20:14,386 --> 00:20:17,180 Who… Who do you see yourself next to? 430 00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:20,434 Winston mostly. 431 00:20:20,517 --> 00:20:23,478 Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually. 432 00:20:24,855 --> 00:20:27,357 I just see a really old Winston. 433 00:20:27,441 --> 00:20:29,860 Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag. 434 00:20:30,819 --> 00:20:32,362 He gets really into birds. 435 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,824 Hey! Play some music! Play some music! 436 00:20:51,923 --> 00:20:53,967 - I'm sorry about Fawn. - Yeah, sorry, buddy. 437 00:20:54,051 --> 00:20:55,403 Yeah, you guys were good together. 438 00:20:55,427 --> 00:20:57,179 - She was fine. - Okay, that's enough. 439 00:20:57,262 --> 00:20:58,865 - I know you guys didn't like her. - Hated her guts. 440 00:20:58,889 --> 00:20:59,890 So much! 441 00:20:59,973 --> 00:21:01,413 Wait. What are we watching right now? 442 00:21:01,683 --> 00:21:03,101 That girl just took her boobs out! 443 00:21:03,185 --> 00:21:06,063 - Nick, why are you watching smut? - It was already in the DVD player. 444 00:21:06,146 --> 00:21:08,207 - I didn't want to get up and get it. - Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow? 445 00:21:08,231 --> 00:21:09,292 Who leaves porn in the DVD? 446 00:21:09,316 --> 00:21:10,627 What's it doing out here in the first place? 447 00:21:10,651 --> 00:21:11,878 The only thing we use it for. Might as well just leave it in. 448 00:21:11,902 --> 00:21:13,421 I'm sleeping on the couch. Furguson and I are fighting. 449 00:21:13,445 --> 00:21:14,488 Why is that pillow wet? 450 00:21:14,571 --> 00:21:15,965 It's a good story. Let's just watch and see what happens. 451 00:21:15,989 --> 00:21:17,282 What are you smiling at? 452 00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:19,785 Nothing. 453 00:21:20,535 --> 00:21:22,680 For crying out loud, take this soft-core off the TV right now. 454 00:21:22,704 --> 00:21:24,057 - Why is this pillow wet? - Furguson… 455 00:21:24,081 --> 00:21:26,208 Jess, I have to see how the story ends. 456 00:21:26,291 --> 00:21:27,292 There isn't any plot! 457 00:21:27,376 --> 00:21:28,561 This is the wrong time to stop this, trust me. 458 00:21:28,585 --> 00:21:30,438 Get you and your wet pillow and your big old legs out of here. 459 00:21:30,462 --> 00:21:32,482 Nick, I know you want that. I don't want to eat that. 460 00:21:32,506 --> 00:21:34,716 Get that damn pizza out of my mouth!