Just make up an excuse
and get out of jury duty, Jess.
- Please, I need you. - No, Nick.
It's a right and a privilege.
In South Africa, they don't even have juries.
They have a-a judge and two assessors.
God, I would have bullied you as a kid.
Jury duty is supposed to be a sacrifice.
Would I like to be at work right now,
participating in the Spirit Week assembly?
Yeah, I would.
I've turned in some memorable performances in the past.
But it's just one day... you'll be fine without me.
Now that Cece and Schmidt are engaged,
she's here all the time, and her stuff is everywhere.
Okay, yes, she's a hot slob.
Ever since she got boobs, people stopped making her do stuff.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that is not an excuse.
When I first grew boobs, people started handing me stuff,
and I got messy, but then you got to grow up.
- Not the same thing. - They're just boobs.
I promise you, tonight when I get back from jury duty,
I will explain it to her in a way that she'll listen to,
unlike your way, where she'll rip your dingle off
and sew it back on your head like a unicorn horn.
She doesn't even live here.
She never signed our loft agreement.
She doesn't even know all the rules.
Hi. Look at you.
You look so cute.
Thank you.
Love this top.
Jess, Nick needs to stop telling that wet pants story, okay?
- I know. - I've heard it four times this week.
So I take a hot glass out of the dishwasher,
I pour cold water into it,
then the customer picks up the glass,
and the bottom falls off.
- Oh, that's crazy. - For real?
He looks down, and he goes, like,
"Oh, my pants are wet."
I know, he-he needs to shape that story.
I don't know how you live with him.
He is the most obnoxious...
Knock it off.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Stop. Stop it. Knock it off.
Jess, are you cool with me hanging
this groundbreaking poster
of dogs playing poker on the wall?
Jess, please tell him that he cannot hang
- this horrible painting. - I really have to go.
I think it's hilarious... they're playing poker.
Rather see a painting
of Arnold Schwarzenegger, mid-coitus.
Just straight up doing it.
Let's talk about the painting tonight.
Uh, do nothing till I get home.
Do nothing till I get home.
Bye-bye.
- Bye. - Okay. - Yeah.
That's my guy.
Is it me, or is Cece really...
Messy.
Yes.
Dude.
I love it when we say things at...
- Same time. - ... the same time.
Just... just... we're right there s...
R-Right there s...
- Wait. - When we say things at the...
- same... time. - Same... time.
Okay, now you're getting in your head again.
Just relax.
Remember the thing about Cece being really...
Messy.
- And we say things at the same... - The same...
See, you're getting in your head because you're going quieter.
Just go with your gut.
- Isn't Cece really... messy? - This is fun. Messy.
- 'Cause we say things at the same... time. - Time.
- I'm done with you. - I had it.
- Trying to get out of jury duty? - Excuse me?
The way you're dressed,
like you're in a school play about old people.
You want the judge to think you're crazy.
These are my real clothes,
and I would never try to get out of jury duty.
It's not just a right; it's also a privilege.
And who are you to talk about clothes?
You're just wearing a blue suit.
Oh, call Milan.
Notice I'm not calling Milan.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
I actually agree with you.
Can we start over?
Can I buy your coffee for you?
- Herbal tea, and make it a big one. - You got it.
Oh, excuse me.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Nick.
I just met the other only person in America
who cares about jury duty, and he's a gosh-damn dreamboat.
Jess, we have an emergency.
Cece's washing her clothes,
and I can't even get down the hall.
She's built a laundry dam.
- Well, can't you just step over it? - No time.
You know I need to go straight from the bathroom
to the kitchen. It's a blood sugar thing.
Hey, Jess, it's your roommate Winston Bishop.
Isn't it amazing how a frame can elevate already great art?
Winston, don't hang that picture till I get home.
And I would talk to Schmidt about it,
but it's like he can't even see the mess.
It's like he's love-blind or something.
Oh, man, I've never been this happy in my entire life.
I got to tell you, you guys,
Cece and I just had shower sex.
Don't.
Did he just kiss you?
Why does he act like the Pope when he's happy?
I guess I'll just talk to Cece myself,
and I'll tell her she's a disgusting beast,
and she'll have to listen to me 'cause I'm the man of the house.
What? No, no, no!
Do not talk to Cece.
Also... everything you just said was offensive. Everything.
Do not talk to Cece.
Ignore every natural instinct you have.
What's up, dude?
Hey, you mind if I steal Jess for a second?
Be careful. The screen's cracked.
- You might cut your face off. - Yeah.
Hey, Jess, I'm gonna give you to... to Winston.
Uh...
I just have to step over the...
I'm not sure how I'm gonna get over the... Here.
Just...
Uh, just... here, come on.
Tell her I got over. Tell her I'm okay.
Nick says he's fine.
Hey, uh, Jess?
If one were to put a hammer through a wall,
what would one do?
I actually have to get going.
- Hello? Je... - Uh, I got to go. Bye.
It was really nice to meet you.
Oh, nice meeting you, too.
Um, I'm Jess.
And you are?
It's on the cup.
Oh.
"Daniel."
And your phone number. That's a cool move.
Yeah, it was a cool move, huh?
You disgusting beast.
Hey, Nick.
Did you leave your cereal out?
You need to clean up after yourself.
Shared living space, bro.
I can't do it.
Schmidt, I can't do it.
You can clean up the cereal. Just go put it away.
There's no cereal here; it's in the kitchen. Go clean it up.
Open your eyes, open your eyes to what's happening.
You already sleep in a mud dungeon. Please...
Cece's a hot slob.
Cece, you're a hot slob.
- What? - I'm sorry, what?
Look around, her stuff is everywhere.
It's disgusting.
Hey, Cece, you know what's fly?
- Love that hat. - Cleaning's fly.
Cleaning's cool, dude.
Hey, everybody, I'm Cece Parekh.
I got a bunch of hats, but I never wear them,
'cause I'm so busy throwing them around, being fly.
Clean up after...!
Let's get her, Winston.
- Am I right? - Uh, you know...
I think we should just remember
that we all make... mistakes, um...
Don't get soft on me right now.
So keep-keep that in mind
as we go forward with our day.
- I'm hard to live with? - Yeah.
Because I got news for you...
you are so much harder to live with.
Hey, uh, guys, I-I feel like we're headed
down a really unproductive path.
I made tabbouleh. Who wants some?
Yes. Love some.
You tell the same story over and over.
"I've got wet pants." We get it.
Bottom of the glass fell clean off.
It was a science miracle.
No, the glass was hot, and the ice made the glass contract,
and that is why it broke; not funny the first six times,
and not funny now, 'cause, guess what, Nick Miller...
- not always funny. - No...
Whoa.
He's... so funny. You're so funny.
I'm... You don't have to hold me back. There's not a problem.
Say what you got to say.
You want to say anything else, say it.
- Not always funny. - Say it to my face.
- Not always funny. - Say it again.
So why don't we just sit down and...
and talk this out like adults?
I would love to, Schmidty, but where will we sit?
- Okay. - Oh, perhaps we'll sit
on this pile of uneaten carrots.
It's like I'm living with Secretariat,
the horse!
He's hilarious.
- On the plus side, I'm being very witty during this fight! - You know what, Nick?
Number 24.
Number 16.
Yes! Sorry.
I never win anything.
Sorry. Uh, uh... oh.
Dr. Foster, is everything okay?
J.D.?
It ain't.
I decided I was gonna be
Marcus the Meerkat, because, you know,
you and I have remarkably similar body shapes.
Okay.
Um, what's the problem?
I fell and shattered my hip.
Oh, God! I'm so sorry.
How bad is it?
The, uh, paramedic described my left leg
as a skin bag full of
hip shards?
A skin... a skin bag full of hip shards.
You're gonna have to take over my duties.
We are talking about the big job:
acting principal.
Yes!
I'd love to!
Oh... but my number just got called.
Well, that means
the district's gonna be
- bringing in Becky Cavatappi. - Ugh!
They've been pushing her for my job.
She has fake zoomers.
What kind of message does that send
to girls with growing zoomers?
I think she had her butt done, too.
Every time she runs,
that thing sounds like an Indian rain stick.
I really want to be principal, so, um...
I'll be there.
Uh, I'll just have to, uh...
get out of jury duty.
I'll talk to you soon!
Sorry. It's a tense situation.
So who should I call next to tell my story?
- I'm not cleaning till you get off the phone, Nicole. - How about Patty's Pizza?
Smooth it out, smooth it out.
Oh, boy.
You are angry.
Winston, I need your help...
getting out of jury duty
Jessica damn Day!
- I know, I'm a terrible person. - Put Nick on the phone.
No can do, J.
He and Cece are in it.
What? I told him not to talk to her.
How bad is it? Is Nick standing really wide-legged?
Is Cece calling him
mean girl names?
Don't call me Nicole!
Okay, Nick-hole!
Yeah. That's happening.
- Kids, huh? - Yeah.
Is that Jess? Jess.
It's awful.
I don't know what to do. I'm sure Cece
has her flaws, but I just can't see them.
And even if I could, what would I do?
How does a man stand up to the sunset?
Cece and Nick are basically the same person.
Both stubborn, hotheaded
and brutally honest.
Oh, dear Lord.
- I'm marrying Nick. - Duh.
Aw. I kind of love that.
All right, what should we do?
Can't go to Cece's apartment.
Nadia's baby is teething.
Have you ever heard a Russian child scream?
All the time, in my Putin nightmare.
Look, get Cece to sign the loft agreement.
Nick wrote it, so he'll like that.
They'll both play hardball till they get bored,
which will be immediately.
That's good.
- You've impressed me today. - Oh, wait, wait. Is that Jess?
- Hey, hey. Give me the phone. - All right.
- Hey, Jess, Nick-hole here... - What?
Stop calling me Nicole! I'm a boy!
Nick is calling everyone he knows
to tell them this dumb story.
Hello, your friend is a pig person.
Guys, stop.
Hey, Chaz, I'm on the other line.
You're not gonna believe what happens to this glass.
- It's an incredible story; you're gonna freak out. - Please stop.
- I'll talk to you soon. - Put me on speaker.
Hold on.
Button's right there.
I know which button it is.
Now, what I'm about to say
might shock you,
but I need help getting out of jury duty.
- Oh-ho-ho! - Well, well, well...
Look, I have the chance to be acting principal.
You don't know Becky Cavatappi, but she's a murderer.
What?
She-she's not a murderer,
but I... I really don't like her.
You can't just be going around throwing "murderer" on people.
Guys, I need to go in right now. What do I do?
Whatever the trial's about, I say I don't believe in it.
Just tell them that your parents are Pakistani militants.
- That's what I do; works every time. - Yeah.
Why'd you have an accent when you said "Pakistani"?
Because that's actually how you pronounce it. "Pakazani"?
It's great seeing you guys work together.
You said it stupid.
I don't really want to lie.
It's kind of not really my brand.
You'll never see any of these people again.
There are no consequences. Okay. Uh, I gotta go.
Just remember you're a garbage person
and you hate America.
I'm a garbage person who hates America.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so help me God?
The whole truth and nothing but the truth,
so help me Gob.
Did... did you just say "Gob"?
Did you say "Gob"?
- What? - Yeah, she said "Gob."
Whose side are you on?
Justice.
This question is for potential juror number 16.
This case involves marriage.
I don't believe in marriage.
Excuse me, you don't believe in marriage?
As a concept?
Well, you know, you gotta keep the freeway open.
Uh, 'cause...
sooner or later, you're gonna get tired
of the same cars driving down it.
Capiche?
Yes, capiche.
The two things that are ruining this country
are marriage and democracy.
How refreshing.
Another person who wants to get out of jury duty.
I thought some people took this seriously,
but apparently not.
Trial by jury
is a pillar of our democracy,
and yes, it is inconvenient.
But sometimes, sacrifice
and civic duty are.
You don't deserve the honor of serving your country.
Maybe you should live in South Africa,
where they don't have juries.
I know, I know!
They have a judge and two assessors.
Look, I'm-I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean all that other stuff.
I'd be a great juror.
If you put me on this jury,
you will not regret it.
That was an emotional moment,
and I feel it would be best punctuated with a...
crash of that thing.
Nah.
The roommate loft agreement
was formed in the year of our Lord 2005.
Hurricane Katrina
had just decimated the American South,
but we here, in Loft 4D,
had gone through, well, perhaps in many ways
a more horrifying Katrina.
- You can't say that. - Can't say that.
A kitchen condom disposal clause?
That is not a relevant clause.
Not relevant? I almost died.
Ugh.
- Winston! - Yeah?
Stop having sex in the sink!
Okay.
First clause: "If a roommate has
"five or more grooming products in the bathroom,
"they must use a shower caddy
"or pay an additional ten dollars in rent,
adjusted every two years for inflation."
I currently pay an additional $11.97 in rent.
Okay, yeah, well, I'm not using a shower caddy,
because I'm an adult woman and I don't live in a dorm.
Have you been to a dorm recently?
It's like a spa.
Those horny texters live like kings.
Nick is really damaging this negotiation.
Hey, speaking of damages,
you know, what if we all pitched in
to fix loft damages?
I don't know, let's say...
Nick broke something, like a wall.
I'll fix it. I can fix anything.
Yeah, not according to
the "Nick can't do electrical work" clause.
No, no, don't touch him! He's electric, he's electric!
Hot!
Cece, you're the love of my life,
but I-I kindly ask that you don't read ahead.
Okay, fine.
I'll use a shower caddy, okay?
And now that I've agreed to my thing,
can we just agree that Nick can limit his stories?
You trying to take away
my constitutional right to be hilarious?
Fine. I won't use a shower caddy.
Use the caddy, I'll be less chatty.
It's hilarious.
It's undeniably hilarious that I just said that.
- Do you hear yourself? - Great, we're in agreement.
Now just sign here, and we'll give you a key.
Give her a key?
I'm a little confused.
Is that really necessary?
It's like giving a squirrel a key to the park.
The park is always open, and the squirrel
is there with rabbit,
and squirrel and rabbit are there all the time.
So does squirrel need key?
What is happening? You're dropping all your articles.
- I not! - Now you're losing verbs!
So, are the squirrel and the rabbit... they're friends?
Hey, babe, do not get concerned.
He's probably just tired or hungry,
or getting jealous that I'm spending
so much time with his best friend.
As a matter of fact, I am tired, and I am hungry,
but the third thing is way off base.
- If you weren't a girl, - Uh-huh?
- I'd karate chop you in the mouth. - You would get winded
just trying to ball your fist up, dough-boy.
Well, good thing you don't need a fist for a karate chop,
- you stupid idiot. - You are such a door knob.
And if I wanted to karate chop you, you'd be dead!
Look at her flinch.
- This is good. - So scared.
Shakey-shakey.
I literally have not moved.
I'm so not worried about you.
You want to go take a nap now?
Stop! I can't listen to the two people
I love most in this world fight like this.
Sorry, Winston.
Huh? What'd he say?
Oh, no.
Schmidt, what did you do?
So, you are all
serving on this jury.
This is a capital case
and will last upwards of a month,
and due to media exposure,
you will have to be sequestered.
So go home, pack a bag,
do not e-mail me.
The answer is yes.
Your hotel does have a pool,
but is otherwise aggressively mediocre.
There, I banged the thing.
Okay.
I need a stapler.
You stay.
Hey.
So here we are.
All right, Nick, I'll sign it.
I don't want to hurt Schmidt,
and right now, he's probably just
crying his eyes out at the...
Denim bar.
I really appreciate you keeping
the store open for me late, Maurice.
That denim bar is like his temple.
He legitimately wants us to get married there.
- At a denim bar? - Yeah.
Look, Schmidt and I are not gonna work
if you and I can't get along.
Because...
you're Schmidt's family.
In a way,
it's like we're engaged.
You're not my type.
I like them crazier and...
and sexually very prude.
- Oh. - You just don't fit the bill.
Look, you don't have to sign this thing.
It's stupid.
The last page is just
obscene drawings of cartoon princesses.
I saw them; you're very talented.
Thanks. What they're doing is disgusting,
but I think the drawings are nice.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
Look, if I'm being honest,
yeah, I feel a little jealous.
You know, Schmidt and I used to hang out
all the time, and now we don't,
and it's weird.
I mean, to be honest, I think I was a little...
jealous, too.
- Of me? - In a way,
you're always gonna know him a little bit better than me.
- Except physically. - You'd be surprised.
Hey.
Schmidt, relax.
- We're good. - Yeah.
- We talked, and everything's okay. - Yeah.
- Thank God. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, easy, all right. Okay. - Okay, there he is.
Everybody's...
Whoa, mother, I'm right here.
Hey.
Are you hugging them
while they're making out?
Yes, uh, that is weird.
Thank you for saying that. Please let go of me.
I'm not interested in this. Let go of me.
Did that wall fall down?
Just please don't leave again.
Yeah, about that.
Well... this is it.
Since you won't be able
to contact me for a month,
I've left a complementary bowl
of advice. For instance, um,
"Nick, stop doing that."
Just applies to everything.
That's what's up. That's what's up.
E'r'day, e'r'day.
Nick, stop doing that.
That's what's up.
It's gonna be a long month. I'm gonna pace myself.
I'm gonna miss you.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna keep them in line for you.
No, you can't hit them.
Even if it's for their benefit?
- Yeah. - Okay.
I got you a little something.
It's just to trade with.
It's currency in there. I don't know.
Oh, that's so sweet, Nick.
Um, but you know I'm not going to prison, right?
As long as you're free right here, you're never in prison.
I bought you this burner
from an unmarked storefront in Koreatown.
I believe it's small enough
to conceal in the waistband of your underpants.
Oh, thank you, but...
It's four walls. They can't hold you, though.
Make friends with big ladies.
Keep your head up.
Okay.
Make sure to put, uh, toilet tissue down on the toilet seat.
- Never sleep. - Thanks.
Make your toothbrush into a shiv. Everything's a weapon.
See, hate put you in there, but love gonna bust you out.
Don't be afraid to put two layers of toilet tissue down.
Let's do it.
Let's get into this and see what sage wisdom
Jess has for us.
"No biting."
That's a reminder for me.
- Mm-hmm. - Wow.
Ew, "No more poop pranks"?
Oh, yeah, those get out of hand quickly.
That was a disgusting February.
"If the shish kebob falls before I come back, Nick wins.
If it falls after, Schmidt wins"?
- Hi-ya! - Is that... Oh.
Check it out, shish kebob. Check it out, yeah.
That's super gross.
"Schmidt's allowed to request that you do his back
with sunscreen once a week."
Actually, can someone do that now?
It's nighttime.
"Boys' shorts should at most
rise six inches above the knee."
- Yeah, but where does the knee begin? - Right... here.
You know, she never specifies where the knee should begin.
That's your knee, okay?
- This is the knee? - Yes. - Yes.
- "Stop harassing Beck." - Absolutely not.
He cut you off on the freeway.
- That's for you? - Yeah.
Yeah, makes sense.
"Tell Schmidt not to sing 'Rent' in the shower.
We're in a drought."
- Okay. - Those aren't the words.
"Stop reading this
within the first three hours of my absence."
- Whoa. - Holy mackerel.
How did she know?
"Because I know everything."
- That's super scary, right? - Is she still here?
I'm just messing with you.
It says "Smile more."
Oh, that's...
- Oh - Yes!
- Damn it. - Yes!
You're my slave for 17 days.