- Great rehearsal dinner! - Bye!
Tran.
Great lasagne, it was fantastic.
Now you're fishing. It was just good, and you know it.
You used the cheap cheese, and that was your mistake.
Great noodles, though.
Thank you. Bye. We care about you.
- Mm-hmm. - We did it!
- Yes, we did it! - We did it.
Best rehearsal dinner ever. You guys are a good team.
We haven't slept all week, but thanks.
I work in hospitality, it's what I do.
I've got some cools things
- for tomorrow I want to show you. - Right on.
Maid of honor.
Best man.
Mayday J-Day.
What's up, Nick-knack.
We're gonna need some more hotties on the dance floor.
Copy that.
I'll get those hotties right over to ya.
Awesome.
Thank you for letting us stay in your room.
Of course.
I'm sorry your mother's not coming, Cece.
Her disapproval of my son fills me with a hot rage
I've repressed into a cyst on my back.
It's grotesque. Sweet dreams, Kid.
Night, Mom. Good night, my mom's friend Susan.
Are you guys sure that you don't want to use the air mattress?
- We sleep together. - We've been lovers since 1998.
I want to thank everyone for an amazing rehearsal dinner.
Special shout out to Winston for a shockingly good toast.
Winston!
- Insanely good. - Dipping in and out of French.
- Powerful stuff, man. - Yay!
No. Blessings, blessings on all your households.
All right, I think it's time to get the bride and the groom
to sleep in separate beds like boy cousins.
Wait, wait, can we just say good night first?
We'll allow it.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom. - I'm gonna do the dishes. Dishes.
- Break it up! - What is this?
The last night of drama camp?
Enjoy it while you can because it gets boring.
Same old lips year after year with no spark,
just dead tongues touching, like decayed salmon.
Oh, my God, Winston!
I did it!
The night before the wedding,
a bride is bound to feel a little bit emotional,
so nervous? I got Xanax.
- Delicious. - Mm-hmm.
Sad, I have a picture of a cat riding a dog like a horse.
Is that for me or for you?
- What? - Hmm.
You freak out, you want to escape to Canada?
I've got our passports and…
Trudeau pics.
I'm good, you know? I don't need anything.
Really? 'Cause you can ask for anything.
After tomorrow, you're not gonna be able
to use the bride card anymore.
You've got power.
Wield it.
I'm gonna go crazy doing this for you one day.
Well, Sam is the most
objectively marry-able guy I've ever dated.
He's out there washing dishes right now.
Mm.
- And he's so tall. - So tall.
His jacket on me looks like a garbage bag.
Check it out.
Oh.
Uh…
What is this?
What? What? What?
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
Is Sam gonna propose?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Nick, let me tell you something. It has been a pleasure
watching you blossom into the best man.
Well, thank you for giving me the soil to grow.
Good night.
- My flash drive is gone! - The flash drive your vows are on?
- No, a different flash drive! - Then what's the problem?
I was being sarcastic!
Of course the flash drive that my vows are on!
Ah…
- There's my poet's fuel. - Mm!
Mm, I might still be drunk
from my own toast, but my God,
you are gonna make a beautiful bride someday.
Bye.
Uh…
I'm here. I heard it.
Let's acknowledge that and, uh,
you know where to find me.
It's not here. I can't find it.
I told Aly she'd make a beautiful bride someday,
and then she just bounced.
I mean, why'd I say that?
We've been dating a month.
Dude, Schmidt lost his vows!
For the wedding?
No, different vows.
Oh, so then what's the big deal?
What is wrong with you people? How'd I lose it?
I wear it around my neck. I even we…
- I even wear it when I got a spray tan. - Ooh.
- I think I know what happened. - What?
- Is that a piece of my flash drive? - Yes, it is.
You see, earlier tonight, when we were practicing the hora…
Winston, stop trying to throw me off the chair!
That's not the game!
I don't mean this anti-Jewish at all,
but that insane Jew dance has ruined our lives.
I'm freaking out.
It took me nine months to write those vows.
- What do you remember? - Cece…
I can't believe this day is finally here.
And then…
Rick Santorum said it best when…
I don't… That's all I got.
That's all I remember.
That's all you remember?
My vows were like a novel.
How much of your zombie novel do you remember?
Chapter one, "On Jack Granger's"
"41st birthday, he was shot in the face by his dog Ed."
Understand the situation that I'm in.
You are so lucky.
How-how am I lucky, Nick?
'Cause one of the greatest writers
of our time is about to enter this room.
Would you like to meet him?
All right.
I'll go get him.
There's no way it's not him, right?
You think it's him?
It's me.
You know what, just 'cause he has a ring
doesn't mean he's gonna propose to me tonight or right now.
Hey, guys. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Uh, Jess, I have something important
I want to talk to you about, when you get a chance.
Okay, yeah.
I'll be right there.
Cool PJ's.
I look like the sky.
Okay.
This is happening now. He is going to propose.
I totally didn't see this coming.
- This is great, right? - Yeah.
- What was that? - What was what?
- You paused. - I didn't pause.
You took, like, a huge pause. You were like…
- Longer than that! - Jess…
What aren't you saying? That's what I'm asking.
Nothing, if you want to marry Sam, I want you to!
You think this is a horrible idea!
You know what the truth is? I think that you paused on the inside.
- Boom. - Don't you boom me.
- I boom. - First of all, neither of us
should want to say boom. That's not ever a cool thing to say.
I'll decide who says boom!
To write anything, you need to start with a big idea.
In my last zombie novel, Uh-oh Guts,
the big idea was that there were too many guts.
Schmidt, you're gonna say the first thing that comes to mind
- when you think of Cece. - Okay.
Cece
uh, what a…
You're too inside the thing. I-It's not that hard.
Watch me do it.
Ooh, now we getting somewhere.
Winnie the Bish, when you feel ready just say her name.
- Her name. - I'm gonna need you to say, "Cece."
- Okay, this is not working. - Cece.
Cece… average worker.
Uneducated, but kind.
Wears shoes, boyish
never really talked to her.
I don't know why I'm listening to you in the first place.
You're terrible at talking to women.
Case in point: You and Reagan.
Hey, did you clean everywhere?
Are you happy?
Are you happy that you said that?
I'd like to smell your towel.
Back to the basics, Schmidt.
Okay, there's only seven types of stories.
- Please, don't list them. - I'm gonna list them.
Man vs. Man, man vs. Dog,
dog vs. Zombie, James Bond,
stories of kings and lords, women over 50
finding themselves after divorce, and car commercial.
My favorite is, uh, that Toyota,
uh… ev-every… the family's in the car…
You're thinking of the food commercial.
- Really? - Fat boy talks to idiot.
Okay, eight, fat boy talks to idiot.
We're getting nowhere. Winston,
I need some of that toast magic. What do you got?
I'm sorry, but I'm done speaking from the heart. I
basically ruined my love life today.
- Here's my advice to you. - Okay.
Keep your guard up.
- Don't be too vulnerable around her. - What?
Be standoff-ish, close yourself.
When she looks at you, cross your arms.
- Turn your back on her. - Whoa, whoa.
For wedding vows, that's terrible advice.
Yeah… I get it, but you don't really, like, know how she feels.
Did I do it?
Did he do it?
Okay…
All right. You're welcome.
That was terrible, Winston!
Slow down, take a breath,
why don't we just talk about it and figure out what you want?
No, that's what I always do.
I talk and I talk.
Not this time.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna… push through the panic
and I'm gonna
say yes.
Really?
I'm gonna go get proposed to.
Okay, look, well, if you start freaking out
and you need anything, just holler, okay?
I will not need anything from you!
If you get chilly, here's a blanket that I knitted you.
It took me all year.
Sam?
You left your jacket in my room.
Oh, thanks.
So, uh, we finally, get a… moment alone here.
Yes. One moment.
One momentous moment.
I, uh… know the timing of this is
been really crazy,
and, uh… Jess…
God, I'm so nervous.
Um.
Jess, would you…
- True American! - What?
Um, hey, guys, everybody out here!
We're playing True American!
Cece, I'm hollering! I'm hollering!
- We can't play True American. - It's so late already.
- No, we can't play… - There's no time.
Help me.
We're gonna play True American because I want to.
I'm using my bride card!
The bride has spoken.
Tonight we celebrate the brides! It's True American: First Ladies Edition!
We can't play True American.
- We have to, it's for Cece. - Fine.
We play fast, sober, then back to work.
- Who the hell have I become? - Let's do it.
Okay! The kitchen is Michelle's garden,
the bathroom is Mary Todd Lincoln's Sanitarium, and as always…
The floor is lava! Let's go! One, two, three, four!
- Jackie O! - Eleanor!
John cheated, so I'm redecorating the White House!
- Everybody drink! Yes! - Even John John?
- Lava! - All right, all right.
I thought this was Nancy Reagan's gun closet.
Lava!
Just someone explain to me the rules.
Camelot, Bay of Pigs.
You got to redecorate! Redecorate!
Redecorate! No, redecorate!
Hey, Jess, can I just talk to you real quick?
- Lesbian road trip. Bye, FDR! - FDR!
Drink, drink, drink, drink! Drink, drink!
Rushmore!
Hillary Headband Hot Potato!
Congress has her healthcare bill!
All right, nice and easy.
- Oh! Oh! - Terrible toss!
Drink, drink! Drink, drink!
I know we're guests in this house, but it's awfully loud.
Mom!
We're trying to play a game, God!
Jenna goes to a Yale party!
- No, no… - Skull and Bones!
- He's had enough, no more. - Skull and Bones!
- No more, no more. - Skull and Bones!
- Drink, drink! - Hey…
Seneca Falls convention! Women only!
That means you, Cece. Sorry.
Sam was reaching for the ring and I freaked out.
How do you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?
You just know.
I don't know. I can't put it into words.
Try! There are a lot of words out there,
just pick some of them.
Everything inside of me just said, "Yes."
I just looked at him.
You know, I just had this feeling that I was home.
That is very beautiful,
and very, very vague and not helpful at all.
I do know you can't avoid Sam all night.
- Guess who's back? - Coach!
It's me.
- Coach! - Yeah.
I thought you got in tomorrow.
I got on a plane, dropped May off at the hotel
and now I'm ready to party!
I had six wines on the plane!
- I call Coach on my team! - Coach on our team!
There's only one way to solve this.
Go behind the Iron Curtain.
- You guys ready? - Yeah.
One, two, three.
We got the same number! That probably means something, right?
No, no, no, no, no.
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
I feel like… like you've been avoiding me.
Good to have you back, Coach!
- What are you doing? - Here I am.
- Oh, I'm gonna throw up! - Where y'all going?
I'm gonna throw up!
Hi.
You gonna barf?
I muffed us!
I muffed us straight to the moon!
I can never write my vows right now,
I can barely even spell my own name.
"S", jeans…
Is that right?
Is "jeans" not a letter? It feels like a letter to me.
Schmidt, this is…
I-I know it's something, is it not a letter?
This is all my fault.
I'm supposed to be your best man.
I screwed you, Schmidt.
I screwed you!
I was just trying to make Cece happy.
It's all I want.
It's all I ever want to do is just to make her happy.
Wait a second, say that again.
I screwed you.
Why would you go to that?
No, about making her happy.
All I want to do is make Cece happy?
There it is.
There's your big idea.
There's my big idea.
- Yeah. - To make her happy.
That's it, that's it.
There's my big idea!
All I want to do is make Cece happy! There it is!
"Jeans" isn't a letter!
- Jeans is pants! - Yeah.
Okay, Winnie, you said, "bride," to a girl you've been dating for a month?
I think it's sweet. Shut up, Cece.
- Shut up! - You shut up!
- I miss you so much. - Oh, my God, I missed you.
- Like, for real, missed you. - It's crazy being in New York
'cause I'm like, "Where's Cece?"
- Right? - Like I was saying,
I don't know why I said it, it just came out,
and I went from the happiest to the saddest person
I've ever been in 15 seconds.
I just need to be cooler around her.
Coach, this is where you come into play.
I need your help, man.
I'm tired of being a sweetie pie.
No more talking.
- This part of the game, Coach? - Heavy.
- Why are we out here? - This is nice.
- Dude. - Hey, man.
How are you gonna ask me to help you play games with Aly, man?
You don't want that.
Be who you are.
Now, the only way to find out why she left,
is to go over there and ask her.
Now.
- Yeah, but… - Just do it!
I don't yell in New York because everyone yells there
and it's less meaningful, but I will yell here.
Now push the button.
God.
- You really don't yell in New York? - Dude, I'm always in a museum.
- Oh, my goodness. - I'm always in a museum.
So that's basically how you play True American.
- Yeah, it makes no sense whatsoever. - Oh.
Look, I'm just gonna get this over with.
Um…
- Jess, I want to break up… - I can't marry you.
With you.
Oh.
What?
So…
I really can't marry you.
No, I get it. You're in love with Diane.
She's beautiful, she's your best friend, you're both doctors.
This morning, I… I went to drop her off at the airport,
and I just… I just couldn't let her go,
and it made me realize that I…
I just… I want to spend the rest of my life with her,
and, you know, uh, it's hard to express the feelings in words.
Really? Really?
Why can no one put this into words?
I'm-I'm so sorry about the timing.
I just… I didn't want you to have to cut my photo
out of all the, you know, wedding pictures.
And then with Winston's toast,
with the… all the talk about honor and integrity and
the gig economy, I just…
Can we just wait to tell people?
I… I don't want to make it about me before the wedding.
Of course.
Thanks.
Hey, I hope…
I hope Diane really likes the ring.
What ring?
The ring in your jacket pocket.
I don't have a ring in my jacket pocket.
I have a ring in my jacket pocket.
- Yeah. - This isn't mine.
"To Susan. Love Louise."
Oh, my God, it's engraved?
How did I miss this?
And the font is huge.
So Schmidt's mom and her girlfriend are getting married.
They're what?
Ma? Ma?
Are you proposing to your friend Susan?
Ma?
Oh, Winston, now's really not a good time.
I know saying the word "bride" to you was a little crazy,
but let me just explain myself, okay?
What I meant to say is that you're beautiful.
Every day with you is so much better.
Your brain is banging.
The skin-bag it comes in ain't too bad either.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You know what, except that I'm not sorry, okay?
Because this is who I am.
No, Winston, I have food poisoning.
Yeah, I don't know who let Nick's mute park friend cook dinner for 20,
but I want to find and throw up on them.
That's why you left. Why didn't you just tell me?
Because I don't like being vulnerable.
It was stupid of me. I'm sorry.
I…
I love you, you maniac.
You love… you love me?
I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, that feels so good to say.
- I love you. - I love you.
I… love… you.
How is there anything left?
You okay?
So sorry for ruining your engagement.
I'm sure you didn't plan a joint celebration with a man wearing
a beer can crown and pillows on his shoes.
Jealous 'cause I'm the True American.
We're sorry we left the ring in your room.
That's what we get for fooling around in your bed.
Something about those high ceilings.
We just like tossing each other around.
- Hello! - Hey, quick show of hands,
who's had sex in Jess's room?
- Well, I've had sex in your room. - I know.
What?
Everyone's had sex in my room?
I got weird in there.
I've gotten weirder in there than you have.
- Really? - Those pillows.
There's just, like, extra, like
pressure.
If you don't mind, I'd like to say
a few words about my mom and my mom's…
- My mom's friend Susan. - My mom's friend Susan.
God, you guys, let me talk.
Look, Susan, I know I never fully accepted you.
I just… I didn't know how long you were gonna be around.
And, also, you used to call my mom
the Big Ragoo and me the Little Ragoo,
and I couldn't make any sense of it.
But… you're a part of our family now.
To my mom… and my mom.
- Yeah! - Cheers!
- Opa. - Yeah!
- Aw. - Mwah.
Cece?
Babe, what's wrong?
It's just that you're gonna have two moms at the wedding,
and I'm not even gonna have one.
I really thought that… I really thought that
she would just show up last-minute
'cause she would know how happy it would make me.
I don't know why I'm crying in here.
Jess's room is meant for sex.
I know. I know.
So,
just-just hit "Lobby" and let technology do its thing.
Yeah, cool. When-when I get in there, I'll just hit "Lobby."
Cool.
Just out of curiosity, Jess, why couldn't you marry me?
Oh, I don't know.
- Come on, Jess. You know. - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do. I mean, I know. - You do? Then what is it?
- You know. - No, I-I don't know.
What-what is it?
It's Nick.