So they call our names and we can't decide what song to sing.
I want to do Journey, of course.
- And Jess wants to Adele. - Of course.
We can't decide.
Hail Mary… We decide to do The Doors!
And we bring the house down.
- Oh, that's the end? - Yeah.
- Riveting. - I like the story. You know, The Doors?
Man, that's a nice white group.
Yeah, I love that you two are dating.
Well, Cece and I have moved on
to a very different and more exciting chapter.
We'd like to invite all of you to a walkthrough of our new kitchen.
- We have finally have walls. - Got the walls!
Wait, you're just getting walls now?
Who's building your house… Congress?
So relevant.
- To the news of today. - Mmm-hmm.
Truth be told, we've had some trouble with our contractor.
He's a real Joe Public. Just a newspaper-and-dump kind of guy.
Robby, hey. I haven't seen you at the marina.
Hey, Joan. I know. I haven't been sailing much
since I broke most of my body and face.
Oh, you look good to me.
We should grab dinner. Or breakfast.
Or both.
Uh, I don't know. But it's really great to see you so far inland.
Great to see you, too.
Keep it moving, Joan.
Your purse don't match your bangs.
- Sorry about that, Jess. - Why are you sorry?
The boat lady was hit…
The boat lady was hitting on him.
- Right in front of you. - So?
I don't own him.
He's not the box set of Felicity.
Question, because I'm invested. Um, are you two exclusive?
- Oh, well, we haven't had… - Well, I mean
- a proper conversation about it. - Yeah, I don't think… There's a whole…
This feels like a private conversation…
Respectfully, I'd like to take it slow, you know?
'Cause I'm always diving into the deep end in relationships,
and I'd kind of like to splash around the shallow end.
I get it. Let's just let this chicken marinate.
So, what are we looking at here?
Uh, open relationship? Friends with benefits?
The old "dog and bone" situation?
We're just two people hanging out
in a cool and modern way.
Welcome to the future.
What exactly is a "dog and bone" situation?
I'm assuming you… You're the bone…
You know damn well I was the bone!
Almost broke my neck.
I am terrified about what women have done to you, Winston.
We all got to get off, right? We all got to get…
- I'm gonna need you to leave. - I saw that coming.
- Ooh! "Officer and a Gentlemen!" - Yes. Nice.
Um, "Die Hard 2!"
I truly love pre-movie trivia.
Me, too, and I love seeing the local advertisements.
I like knowing who's hot in the teeth-whitening game.
Also, Robby, I just want to say I'm really happy we're both
on the same page about taking it slow.
- I feel really great about it. - Me, too.
And, actually, I got a date this weekend.
Really? With the boat lady?
Oh, no, it's a woman I work with at the factory, Babs.
You work in a factory?
Well, no, actually, um, I design them.
Oh, well, that's not fascinating at all.
That's fresh from the sarcasm factory
'cause it is fascinating.
Thought you would've mentioned that before.
You guys ask me surprisingly little about my personal life.
You're okay with this, right?
I mean, you wanted to see other people.
Yeah. Yeah, I definitely said that.
Yeah, I actually have a date, too.
- You do? - Mmm-hmm.
- With who? - Shh, trailers are starting.
Okay, this way. Come on in.
Wait, so Robby has a date? That was so fast.
The man didn't waste any time.
But you know what? It's okay, 'cause I'm dating, too.
But you aren't, though. Your guy's fake.
Can we come back to Robby designing factories?
The man is an enigma. He's my second best friend,
and I know nothing about him.
Now, can we please focus?
We are doing a formal walkthrough.
Behold, the kitchen of tomorrow.
Where are the dang walls?
Mr. Jason said one week the latest.
No! No! No!
Uh, a minute alone with the boy?
- Hey, bud. - Nick…
I am at my wit's end here.
Should I call the Better Business Bureau?
Better Business Bureau… That's not a real thing…
It's a very real thing, and as a man
who co-owns a small business with you, I'm alarmed.
You just got to know how to talk to these people.
There's Mr. Jason over there.
See the brunette with his arms crossed?
Okay, let me take a crack at this.
And don't call men brunettes. We've talked about this before.
- That's a nice grain. - Great grain.
- Got to cut with the grain. - Uh, always.
- Watch the fingers. - It's a living.
- Get the hands dirty. - Yeah, you know,
early bird gets the worm.
- Clean your jeans. - Ask her what time it is,
she'll tell you to build a watch, you know?
Would you look at that?
It's good, though. It's good framing.
- It's beautiful, stuff. - These guys are good.
Yeah, you guys done beautiful stuff.
Where does a modern girl go to make a fake guy real?
That is an insane combination of words.
It's not the Internet, a bar or a nightclub,
'cause I'm uncomfortable with all those.
You're taking a lot of options off the table.
And are you sure you're just not scared
to get serious with Robby because you don't want to get hurt?
No, I'm not scared, I just don't want to start a relationship
with someone I barely know.
I mean, he has a boat. What's next, a kid?
And then I have to meet the boat and the kid at some weird sea luncheon?
Honestly, playing the field sounds really exciting to me.
You know, going to strange places with strange men.
Sign me up for that.
Yeah, that certainly sounds like you, Jess.
You know what, you should just start right now.
There's a lot of guys here.
You should go and talk to one.
- At a construction site? - We support it.
Okay, I can't tell if you're mocking me, but fine, I'll go have a look around.
- Fine. - Fine.
- I see what you did there. - Yeah.
The quicker this plays out, the sooner she'll realize
how ridiculous she's being.
Now, I'm not trying to break stones over here,
but what can we do about these walls?
I can't do the walls until they do the electric,
and I can't do the electric without my guy.
You got to have your guy, I get it, but what am I gonna do?
If I could I would, but I'm not Santa Claus.
What do you want me to do?
Do I need to get your mother out here to do it?
'Cause I'll call your mother. I got her in my phone.
- You're gonna call my mother? - Yeah, I'm gonna call your mother.
All right, you sack of crap.
I'll make a call.
- Thank you. - All right.
Great!
- What the hell was that? - Oh, he's gonna call his guy,
he's gonna see what he can do about the walls.
Thank goodness. I thought it was gonna be a physical altercation.
Nah, he's a good guy, he's a good guy. Salt of the earth.
It's more about what's unsaid, you know?
What it comes down to at the end of the day is respect.
And I have it for him and he has it for me.
Interesting.
So Mr. Jason doesn't respect me?
- Oh, God, no. - Hmm.
I mean, Schmidt, I love you, but…
But you're not a man of the people.
Of course I'm not a man of the people… I'm above the people.
I want the people to build things for me.
- And that's where I come in. - I can't rely on your crass
Chicago street smarts forever.
I'm a homeowner, and I'm a husband, and hopefully, one day I'll be a father.
If he's not gonna respect me, then I need to become
- someone that he will. - That sounds a little scary.
Who… Who are you looking to become, Schmidt?
You.
Ugh.
Anyway, if any of you gentlemen
are looking for something modern and non-exclusive…
You got a nail in your ass.
Oh. Um, that's not my ass, that's actually my dress.
Could one of you guys help me?
- No, we're busy right now. - Come on.
Oh. Thank you…
Es good?
Es very good.
Mmm! So, how's Babs? Is she puttin' out?
Well, she's great. I… I haven't gone out with her yet,
but I look forward to getting to know her in a relaxed and modern way.
Great. I'm ready to tell you about my guy now.
His name is Stavros,
and he is Greek, which is exciting.
That's very exciting. Well, he sounds…
- Yeah. - Sounds very sexy.
I can't believe she met a man at a construction site.
I mean, I'm kind of impressed.
He thinks it's really funny how big our drinks are.
They are big.
I'm concerned Robby doesn't care.
They're testing each other.
Look at his bottom lip.
Stavros is taking me to a club on Friday.
Ah. Yeah, okay. I get it. He cares.
Okay, uh…
- We were supposed to go out on Friday. - Oh!
I'm sorry. You know what? Should I cancel?
No. It's okay. I'll just go out on Friday with Babs.
- Sounds fun. - It's gonna be fun.
Or… Crazy idea.
What if we all hang out together?
Very interesting. Like a double date?
That seems precarious.
Oh, it's totally just gonna blow up in their faces,
and they're gonna need us when it does, so we should probably be on call.
Absolutely. Yeah. We're a very important part of this.
What'd I tell you? They're putting the electrical in.
- Ta-da! - Don't say ta-da around these guys.
- And why are you wearing my clothes? - I'm you.
You are making this way creepier than it needs to be.
- But let's work on your stance, okay? - Okay.
You're gonna want to adjust your pants a lot, like watch me.
Like this. Just like looking around, checking it out,
adjust your pants, try it.
Just do it normal, just do it normal.
Don't make that face.
Regular face.
If you're gonna do anything with your shoulders, it's this.
Just relax… No. You're doing this…
Don't do that here. It's like this…
Okay, let's try something else.
I think you… You need to slouch a little bit,
'cause all these people have back pain.
Look, I'm sorry that I have good posture.
I'm not on my hands and knees all day slapping hot tar on a roof.
I'm sitting in an ergonomic office chair
like a frickin' gentleman.
So, here's a way to give a compliment.
It's… You insult somebody, that's a way to show affection.
Like, hey, you ugly piece of crap, you got humongous ears.
So you're too insecure to show affection, so you do the opposite.
And if you're ever in a pinch, and the moment's getting
on top of you, just mention the game.
You got this, man. You got this.
Hey, what's up dum-dum?
I'm sorry, I was breaking so much balls before.
I had a really stressful day at the office.
You know, the, uh, boss was really giving it to me,
so I kicked his ass, but I'm better.
Hey, uh, I know how it goes, bud.
So now that we have the electrical,
maybe we can get started on the walls?
What do you say, bud?
Oh, uh, we're gonna have to wait on the inspection.
- And that could take a few months. - A few months?
Any way we could speed this process along?
- What do you say, you dirty slut? - Slut?
Look, this a city issue.
But we could, uh, throw a little money at the situation.
See what we see.
Throw a little bit of money, see what we see.
Who do I make the check out to? Los Angeles?
- Or make it to cash. - There you go.
Yeah. All right.
Now we're talking. Ow!
- Caught a little bit of my ween in there. - You all right?
Just the tip, just the tip of the ween.
Okay.
Wow.
Your house is amazing.
Who lives here, Vin Diesel?
No. But we do share a gardener.
This is Stavros. He brought homemade wine.
Thank you, Stavros. Looks, uh, very fresh.
Is that right? Does he speak English?
No. But his last name has 17 consonants,
- which I find very charming. - Sure.
So where's Babs? Putting her grandkids to bed?
Hey.
I'm Babs.
This is gonna be fun.
To life!
This bottle's very warm.
So, Babs, um, you work at the factory with Robby?
- I'm the head engineer. - Babs is a genius physicist.
She got her doctorate from Cambridge.
Wow. I didn't… I mean, that's very impressive.
Stavros is from a rich tradition of, uh, craftsman.
Without men like him, we wouldn't have houses to live in,
or delicious wine to drink with friends.
Salud.
- Salud. - Yamas.
Oh…
- It burns. - Es good?
- Es good. Mmm-hmm. - Es good?
- Is that a gold record on your wall? - Hmm?
Oh, yeah. I… I played bass on a Santana album.
Who are you?
Yeah, there's… There's no updates yet.
- I wonder how it's going. - Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Waiter has my credit card, in case we need to leave, we're ready.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Hey, let me ask you something.
You think we're too involved in Robby and Jess?
It could be argued that this is a little unhealthy.
Mmm.
What does it really say about us, you know?
Are we just so bored with our own lives now
that we're settled and in love?
Nah, that's not what's happening here, okay?
- We're not bored. - Right.
- All right. I got a lot of stuff going on. - Yeah.
- Let me start from the top. - Okay.
- Let me tell you, last week? - Yeah.
I had ants in my room.
Yeah. What else, what else, what else, what else?
Ooh, I think I'm gonna try the crab breast.
- Did it. - Sure did.
You know what's crazy?
Not only did I get Mr. Jason to respect me,
but I think I learned to respect him a little bit, too.
I like the people. So wild and lazy.
If you want, I could take you to the store I get my jeans.
It's actually just a Mexican supermarket.
- Give it to me. - I got it.
Give it to me… You okay?
Give it to me.
Look at the suds.
You ruined a beer.
Ah, there he is. Hey-O. Working late.
So, Mr. Jason, did we get the inspection, or are we gonna keep waiting around
like a couple of jamooks?
Eh, threw some sawdust on the puddle, but it's still wet.
I don't know… Is that a bad thing or good thing?
- Means he didn't get it. - Hey, blame the city.
I hate the city! Stupid city.
Well, you know what, Mr. Jason? You tried.
Thank you for that.
I guess you can just give us our money back.
Oh, I don't have your money.
We didn't get the inspection, though.
Well, I said we'd see what we see.
And this is what we saw… You get it.
I don't think that I do get it. Do we get it, Nick?
Do I, do I… I don't get it.
- Do you get it? - I get it.
Aren't those the copper pipes for our bathroom?
These are extra. I'm gonna use them on another job.
Oh, at another job.
Oh, it… And he left with them.
What does he do? I don't understand…
- What's happening? - Oh, I get it. I get it.
- What is happening? - We got ripped off.
- God… I knew it. - How did I not see this coming?
Maybe I've lost touch with the people.
Serves me right being such a damn success.
I'm sitting in my ivory tower like Dan Brown!
Nick, you're a very talented writer, but you're no Dan Brown.
You've never even had anything published.
Well, if I'm no Dan Brown,
and I'm no man of the people, then who am I?
Stop having an identity crisis! Now is not the time.
What we need to do is come up with a plan
- that combines both of our strengths. - I like this.
Here's what I'm thinking. We invite Mr. Jason over for the game.
And while I'm hosting the hell out of him,
you sneak down, and you steal those pipes out of his truck.
- Let's do this, man! Let's do this! - Nobody rips us off.
- Nobody rips us off! - Let's do it!
I think what you wanted to do was more like that.
Why didn't mine break?
It's really easy to break it, you just…
- Ten seconds. - Ten seconds.
- Choiros. Choiros chrimata! - What does that mean?
- Choiros chrimata!
- What does that mean? - I think, I think he's saying "pig money."
- Is it pig money? - Time!
Hey.
Well, it was piggy bank, which is close enough.
We gave you "garbanzos" for "chick peas."
I'm afraid we cannot allow it, Jess.
Man, we are wrecking you guys.
It's probably 'cause me and Babs have, uh, such a strong connection.
Whatever. It's just 'cause you speak the same language.
I like to date people that I can communicate with.
Good for you. Where's the wine? I like it now.
I think it's making me hallucinate.
Mmm-hmm. Me, too.
You know what? It's of good quality.
Last night I thought to back.
When we made good love…
Oh, you're singing now?
Listenin' to some Marvin Gaye.
All night long…
Good loving body rocking.
Knocking boots.
All night long.
- All night long… - Enough!
What is wrong with you, Robby?
What's wrong with me?
You're the one who wanted to see other people!
I said I wanted to take it slow.
I didn't say I want a front row seat to your date with some movie scientist.
This is a weird night.
Well, welcome to my world, Babs.
Jess, you don't know what you want.
I mean, do you like me? Do you not like me?
Are we in a relationship? Are we not?
Thank you, Stavros. That'll do.
I'm gonna go.
Yeah, well… I think we should all go.
Stavros, thank you for the psychedelic wine,
but I would like you to leave my house now
so that I can throw up.
Jess, we go disco?
- Maybe our lives are boring. - Mmm-hmm.
Or are we just happy?
- Follow me on this one. - Okay.
- Would you want to be dating still? - Hell, no.
- Thank you. - I am happy!
You know, and happy, sometimes, it's a little bit boring, but, you know,
I have a great marriage,
- and who needs the drama? - Mmm-hmm.
- Not me. - No.
As of right now, I am washing
my hands of all this Jess and Robby nonsense.
I feel you.
- I'm out! - Jess just texted. She needs us.
- I'm in! Let's go! - We're in!
Okay, that slime ball is on his way.
- Are you wearing my jeans? - Yeah.
I'm all mixed up, and I can't get 'em off.
That's 'cause they fit. You look fantastic.
If you get 'em wet, I'm gonna flip out.
Let's do this.
Hey, hey, big game for the boys, huh?
Big games for the boys is right. Mr. Jason, come on in.
- Ah. Nice. - Have a seat.
Nick, uh, want to go take care of that thing?
- Oh, yeah, I got to fix the boiler. - Oh, gas or steam?
Double?
It's a… It's a double. It sure is a double.
- Mr. Jason, it's good to see you! - Thank you so much
for having me over. This is gonna be a good game.
Are you hungry? We've got some food.
I've got sausages and brats, all the sports meats.
You know, I don't eat meat. I'm a vegan.
You…
Hey!
It's not what it looks like, Mr. Jason!
It must be hard to order
- as a vegan in a restaurant. - Oh!
What is happening? What are we doing here?
How was the date? Tell us everything.
Babs was a real catch,
I drank too much hallucinogenic wine,
um, screwed everything up with Robby, and now I'm at a Greek rave.
There's a rotisserie in the back if you're hungry.
Honey, what is this about?
Are you really that scared of getting hurt?
I'm not afraid of how it's gonna end. I'm afraid of how it started.
Like, I've been so hesitant from the beginning.
Like, I need to be convinced.
Just, there's no love story called Hemming and Hawing.
Actually, there is.
Jose Canseco self-published it on the Internet.
It's about a lamb that marries a CEO.
Jess, I think you should be having this conversation with Robby.
Or maybe I need to be having this conversation with Robby!
- How much wine have you had to drink? - I don't know.
It was in a soda bottle. Look, don't stop me.
I'm gonna go find Robby!
- Uh… - Hi, uh, I'm looking
for a girl named Jess! She wears glasses.
Kind of like this? I know that's not a lot to go on,
but the glasses are, like, her whole thing really.
- He's here, he's here! - Robby?
- Hey! - Cece! Winston!
- Hey! - I'm looking for Jess.
- She's looking for you. - She's looking for you.
- Really? - Yeah, she's about to leave.
I want to get out of this joint! What's Greek for exit?
- Jess? - Oh. Hi.
- Jess! - Robby! I don't want to see other people.
And also, I'm eating a falafel 'cause I'm… I'm really, really drunk.
I'm really drunk, too,
and I don't want to see anyone else, either.
It just got off to such a rough start.
I don't care how it started. I just care where it goes. I like you.
I like you, too!
You're stealing my pipes? Unbelievable!
You are breaking my balls into oblivion!
You broke my balls first. I got a scrotum full of whipped cream.
- Oh! - You stole our money, man!
I told you, I tried to get the permit. It didn't work out.
You got screwed over, but I didn't do it.
- Then why did you take my pipes? - I bought 'em back to use at another job.
It's in your invoice!
I actually saved you money!
If that's true, I am so thankful.
That's really nice of you, Mr. Jason.
- Thank you. - Yeah, great job.
You're really good contractor then.
Mr. Jason?
Are you… Are you crying?
It's not easy being a contractor.
I'm always the bad guy.
I just want to build other people's dreams.
Well, I feel like a buffoon.
You know what, Mr. Jason? We misjudged you.
- Big time. - And ourselves.
If we hadn't been so hung up on labels,
we would've been able to see each other for who we are.
You're Mr. Jason.
Call me Jason. What's with the Mr. Jason?
- You're a vegan. - Get out.
You know, it takes 53 gallons of water to produce a single chicken egg?
- That's why! - Great!
- What do you say we hug it out? - All right.
Oh, there you go. There you go, Mr. Jason.
I don't usually do this.
- It's nice. - Yeah, it's nice.
- All right. Oh. - Oh, that's a tight squeeze.
- Oh, boy. Can't breathe! - Ooh, what a grip.
You weren't actually in Santana.
You just met the band
when you were delivering pizza to the studio?
Carlos found out that I played bass somehow,
- and then he asked me to sit in. - Huh.
Thus began the brief career I had as a studio session musician
when I was a junior in high school.
I managed the girls JV wrestling team.
That's really cool, too.
- It was cool. - Mmm-hmm.
Anyway, tell me literally
everything that's ever happened to you.
You should just watch the PBS special on me.
- What? - I saved a guy's life.
- What? Whose life? - Do you know who Elon Musk is?