1 00:00:01,423 --> 00:00:04,968 Welcome, everyone, to Big Dinner, where the news is big, 2 00:00:05,052 --> 00:00:06,196 and the dinner is regular size. 3 00:00:06,220 --> 00:00:08,263 Not to be confused with Big Supper, 4 00:00:08,347 --> 00:00:11,225 where we eat dinner and we watch the movie Big. 5 00:00:11,308 --> 00:00:13,668 The movie about a grown woman who has sex with a little boy? 6 00:00:13,727 --> 00:00:14,770 What? 7 00:00:14,853 --> 00:00:15,997 - She didn't know. - Tonight we gather 8 00:00:16,021 --> 00:00:19,358 to celebrate Jess and I's final weekend inside the chrysalis 9 00:00:19,441 --> 00:00:21,944 of professional mediocrity before Monday, 10 00:00:22,027 --> 00:00:24,446 when we burst forth in fully pupated positions. 11 00:00:25,447 --> 00:00:26,782 - Principal Day. - Director of… 12 00:00:26,865 --> 00:00:28,992 Non-Television, Non-Radio West Coast Marketing. 13 00:00:29,076 --> 00:00:30,285 And Principal Day. 14 00:00:30,369 --> 00:00:31,969 Sorry. I should have waited till the end. 15 00:00:31,995 --> 00:00:33,115 - What's "pupatated"? - Okay. 16 00:00:33,163 --> 00:00:34,581 It's time for the rites of passage. 17 00:00:34,665 --> 00:00:36,225 Ding, ding, ding. I have some Big Dinner 18 00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:38,127 - news of my own. - Winston, sit down! 19 00:00:38,210 --> 00:00:40,587 The topics for Big Dinner have already been decided. 20 00:00:40,671 --> 00:00:42,871 As you all know, Aly and I have recently become engaged. 21 00:00:44,883 --> 00:00:47,261 I receive all that love, and then I give it right back. 22 00:00:47,344 --> 00:00:48,464 Anyway, as we were saying… 23 00:00:48,512 --> 00:00:49,614 I got to finish this. It's really important. 24 00:00:49,638 --> 00:00:50,931 In order to get married, 25 00:00:51,014 --> 00:00:53,058 I have commenced divorce proceedings 26 00:00:53,142 --> 00:00:54,810 with my wife… 27 00:00:54,893 --> 00:00:56,145 - Rhonda, yeah. - Rhonda. 28 00:00:56,228 --> 00:00:57,896 Ding, ding, ding, ding. Real quick. 29 00:00:57,980 --> 00:00:58,981 I hate Rhonda. 30 00:00:59,064 --> 00:01:00,941 Hey, that's my wife! 31 00:01:01,024 --> 00:01:02,109 Such a good Harrison Ford. 32 00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,253 Who you married as a prank. 33 00:01:03,277 --> 00:01:04,945 Which, for the record, no one gets. 34 00:01:05,028 --> 00:01:06,256 - Ding, ding, ding, ding. - What the hell is going on here? 35 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,465 If everybody's jumping in, I'm gonna jump in. 36 00:01:07,489 --> 00:01:08,591 Reagan says my room looks stupid, 37 00:01:08,615 --> 00:01:11,076 - like a teenager lives there. - She's correct. 38 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,388 No one's authorized to ding, ding, ding except for Schmidt and I. 39 00:01:13,412 --> 00:01:15,056 And you you're not supposed to say "ding, ding, ding" 40 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:16,120 when you ding, ding, ding. 41 00:01:16,165 --> 00:01:17,207 Guys, please. 42 00:01:17,291 --> 00:01:18,709 These are all common topics. 43 00:01:18,792 --> 00:01:22,421 This is why I proposed Common Lunch, but nobody showed up. 44 00:01:22,504 --> 00:01:24,065 Don't yell at us 'cause you guys are freaking out 45 00:01:24,089 --> 00:01:25,929 - about your new jobs. - I am not freaking out. 46 00:01:26,008 --> 00:01:27,277 I have been preparing for this job 47 00:01:27,301 --> 00:01:29,178 ever since I was young enough to believe 48 00:01:29,261 --> 00:01:30,846 leprechauns were real. 49 00:01:30,929 --> 00:01:32,181 Leprechauns are real. 50 00:01:32,264 --> 00:01:33,575 - Yeah, I caught one. - He caught one. 51 00:01:33,599 --> 00:01:34,909 We're not having the freaking leprechaun debate 52 00:01:34,933 --> 00:01:36,161 right now, we'll be here for hours. 53 00:01:36,185 --> 00:01:37,895 Leprechauns are real. 54 00:01:38,270 --> 00:01:40,230 Now, it's time for the rites of passage. 55 00:01:40,314 --> 00:01:42,107 Finally. 56 00:01:42,191 --> 00:01:43,859 - Oh. - Schmidt, 57 00:01:43,942 --> 00:01:47,738 I present to you a new set of business cards. 58 00:01:47,821 --> 00:01:49,364 - All right. - So proud of you. 59 00:01:53,327 --> 00:01:54,411 Okay. 60 00:01:55,329 --> 00:01:57,581 That took a lot less time than I thought it would. 61 00:01:57,956 --> 00:01:58,957 All right. 62 00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:01,835 And now the donning of the principal's blazer. 63 00:02:01,919 --> 00:02:04,171 Oh, the principal's blazer. 64 00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:06,673 I remember when you got that ten years ago 65 00:02:06,757 --> 00:02:08,068 and promised you would never wear it 66 00:02:08,092 --> 00:02:09,885 till you were actually principal. 67 00:02:12,346 --> 00:02:13,680 Principal Day. 68 00:02:16,141 --> 00:02:18,227 - You okay? - I don't think it fits. 69 00:02:18,310 --> 00:02:20,288 - No, no, you look great. - Everything looks perfect to me. 70 00:02:20,312 --> 00:02:21,623 - Looks great. - Are you okay, honey? 71 00:02:21,647 --> 00:02:22,648 I'm okay. 72 00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:28,028 It's the middle of the night. 73 00:02:28,112 --> 00:02:30,531 Yeah, just making a few, uh, minor adjustments. 74 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:33,492 Have you seen my scissors? 75 00:02:33,575 --> 00:02:35,494 Never mind. I have 32 seam rippers right here. 76 00:02:35,577 --> 00:02:36,620 Are you okay? 77 00:02:43,252 --> 00:02:44,962 It's gonna be fine. 78 00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:53,804 Hey, Schmidt. Can I get a second opinion on something? 79 00:02:53,887 --> 00:02:56,241 Oh, about your room? Reagan's right. You need to redecorate. 80 00:02:56,265 --> 00:02:57,784 It looks like you live in an abandoned day care. 81 00:02:57,808 --> 00:03:00,769 That is not what an abandoned day care looks like. 82 00:03:02,813 --> 00:03:03,856 You can trust me. 83 00:03:03,939 --> 00:03:05,190 Hello? 84 00:03:05,691 --> 00:03:07,526 Can I take a nap now? 85 00:03:11,113 --> 00:03:13,699 Okay, we need to talk about that a lot more later. 86 00:03:13,782 --> 00:03:15,033 I'm worried about Jess. 87 00:03:15,117 --> 00:03:17,286 I think she is freaking out about work 88 00:03:17,369 --> 00:03:19,580 and she's channeling all of it into her blazer. 89 00:03:19,788 --> 00:03:22,458 She's got a real "cat in a bathtub" vibe. 90 00:03:24,626 --> 00:03:26,086 Hey, guys! 91 00:03:26,170 --> 00:03:27,838 I'm just blasting some Jock Jams, 92 00:03:27,921 --> 00:03:30,299 getting my fashion on! 93 00:03:30,382 --> 00:03:32,092 What's the problem? This is Jess at a six. 94 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,261 - Sorry there, Jess. - Mmm-hmm. 95 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,572 Nick here says you're freaking out. 96 00:03:35,596 --> 00:03:36,722 What's going on, girl? 97 00:03:36,805 --> 00:03:38,682 I am so good. 98 00:03:39,391 --> 00:03:40,434 I am "saw" good. 99 00:03:40,517 --> 00:03:43,270 I am so "gawd." So "gawd." 100 00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:46,315 We can't let her go to work on Monday like that. 101 00:03:46,774 --> 00:03:48,692 Remember what I used to do for you in college 102 00:03:48,776 --> 00:03:50,694 when you'd get nervous about exams? 103 00:03:50,778 --> 00:03:52,714 What did I do for you? What was that thing called? 104 00:03:52,738 --> 00:03:54,073 - Boy ride! - Rumspringa! 105 00:03:55,157 --> 00:03:56,366 - What? - Rumspringa. 106 00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:57,451 I said "Rumspringa." 107 00:03:57,534 --> 00:03:59,286 - So did I. - No, you said "boy ride." 108 00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,455 - No, I said "Rumspringa." - What's a boy ride, dude? 109 00:04:01,538 --> 00:04:03,874 Rumspringa, boy ride. Boy ride saved my life. 110 00:04:03,957 --> 00:04:06,168 I would be freaking out, and you would take me 111 00:04:06,251 --> 00:04:07,544 on these wild adventures. 112 00:04:07,628 --> 00:04:08,879 Bio exam? 113 00:04:08,962 --> 00:04:10,381 - Casino time. - Yeah. 114 00:04:10,464 --> 00:04:12,341 Intro to environmental feminism? 115 00:04:12,424 --> 00:04:13,884 - I remember. - Corn maze. 116 00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:15,887 That was the day we found out that corn is maize. 117 00:04:16,887 --> 00:04:18,847 Do we take Jess on a little Rumspringa? 118 00:04:19,431 --> 00:04:20,599 Can you just give me, like, 119 00:04:20,682 --> 00:04:22,243 a five-minute warning before Rhonda gets here? 120 00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:24,186 I'd like to be… not here. 121 00:04:24,269 --> 00:04:26,146 Look, Rhonda shows up when Rhonda shows up. 122 00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:27,314 I know. That's the problem. 123 00:04:27,398 --> 00:04:29,608 There's nothing I hate more than women talking about 124 00:04:29,691 --> 00:04:31,151 their rings in a high-pitched voice, 125 00:04:31,235 --> 00:04:32,319 but, oh, my God, 126 00:04:32,403 --> 00:04:33,904 I love my ring so much! I love it! 127 00:04:33,987 --> 00:04:36,365 - Aw. - I love that ring on your finger. 128 00:04:36,448 --> 00:04:38,700 I just want to bite it off and swallow it, 129 00:04:38,784 --> 00:04:40,536 and then digest it properly. 130 00:04:41,078 --> 00:04:42,998 And then give it back to you in a day and a half. 131 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:44,498 Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna cry. 132 00:04:44,581 --> 00:04:45,999 You guys have such a weird dynamic. 133 00:04:46,083 --> 00:04:47,376 Hello, Winston. 134 00:04:49,002 --> 00:04:51,255 Hey… Rhonda. 135 00:04:52,089 --> 00:04:54,508 You wanted to sign the divorce papers, 136 00:04:54,591 --> 00:04:56,427 and-and I thought this was 137 00:04:58,011 --> 00:04:59,888 this was a good a time as any. 138 00:05:01,557 --> 00:05:03,851 But I know it's a shock, but 139 00:05:05,436 --> 00:05:06,687 meet your son. 140 00:05:10,691 --> 00:05:11,984 Oh, my God. 141 00:05:13,068 --> 00:05:14,069 Um… 142 00:05:24,037 --> 00:05:25,998 Now, you listen to me, baby. 143 00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:29,418 My father walked out on me, and I swear 144 00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:31,253 I will never do that to you. 145 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:33,881 That's so sweet. 146 00:05:40,471 --> 00:05:43,223 You just got Rhonda'd. 147 00:05:43,307 --> 00:05:45,601 Rhonda'd. 148 00:05:45,684 --> 00:05:48,187 No… 149 00:05:48,270 --> 00:05:49,480 Oh, my God! 150 00:05:49,563 --> 00:05:51,023 Did you just prank me with a baby? 151 00:05:51,106 --> 00:05:52,191 A human baby. 152 00:05:52,274 --> 00:05:53,442 What the hell? 153 00:05:53,525 --> 00:05:56,653 - That is amazing! - Oh, my God. 154 00:05:56,737 --> 00:05:58,882 Oh, I can feel my heartbeat through the back of my head! 155 00:05:58,906 --> 00:06:00,282 You just took years off my life! 156 00:06:00,365 --> 00:06:01,492 You are the master! 157 00:06:01,575 --> 00:06:03,202 Where'd that baby come from? 158 00:06:03,285 --> 00:06:04,286 Oh, he came from Dave. 159 00:06:04,369 --> 00:06:06,413 - Who's Dave? - Hi-yo! 160 00:06:06,497 --> 00:06:07,498 Dave, take a bow. 161 00:06:07,581 --> 00:06:09,083 - Thank you. - Uh, thank you. 162 00:06:09,166 --> 00:06:11,085 This is my cousin. 163 00:06:11,168 --> 00:06:12,920 I'm staying with him while I'm in town. 164 00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,630 So he's your baby? 165 00:06:14,713 --> 00:06:15,714 Oh, no. 166 00:06:15,798 --> 00:06:16,799 I'm an obstetrician. 167 00:06:16,882 --> 00:06:18,162 I just borrowed this little guy. 168 00:06:20,552 --> 00:06:22,304 Rhonda, I'm Aly, Winston's fiancée. 169 00:06:22,388 --> 00:06:24,056 It's so nice to meet you, I think. 170 00:06:24,139 --> 00:06:26,725 All of us are coming down from this a little too quickly, 171 00:06:26,809 --> 00:06:28,685 'cause what that guy did is a felony. 172 00:06:28,769 --> 00:06:30,229 Congrats on your engagement. 173 00:06:30,312 --> 00:06:31,373 - Thank you. - No one cares. 174 00:06:31,397 --> 00:06:32,837 But you can't do it without… these. 175 00:06:32,898 --> 00:06:34,149 Thank God. 176 00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:36,235 They 'bout to be "soined"! 177 00:06:37,694 --> 00:06:39,863 The end to one of my best pranks. 178 00:06:39,947 --> 00:06:40,948 Oh, this feels good. 179 00:06:41,031 --> 00:06:42,241 Yeah. 180 00:06:42,324 --> 00:06:43,367 That's it. 181 00:06:43,450 --> 00:06:44,868 - That's it. - All right. 182 00:06:44,952 --> 00:06:46,453 Well, I better go. 183 00:06:46,537 --> 00:06:47,830 I really hope you two are happy. 184 00:06:47,913 --> 00:06:49,123 No prank. 185 00:06:49,206 --> 00:06:51,667 So until we cross paths again… 186 00:06:51,750 --> 00:06:53,293 A-ba-da-ba, ba-da-ba. 187 00:06:53,377 --> 00:06:55,629 - Rhonda! - Rhonda. 188 00:06:55,712 --> 00:06:58,132 She's a lot. 189 00:06:58,215 --> 00:07:00,676 - Understatement of the year. - She is, but, you know, 190 00:07:00,759 --> 00:07:02,511 the good news is, is we never, ever 191 00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:04,304 have to see her again. 192 00:07:04,388 --> 00:07:05,514 Son of a bi… 193 00:07:06,598 --> 00:07:08,726 - She used disappearing ink. - What? 194 00:07:08,809 --> 00:07:09,977 Girl pranked us. 195 00:07:15,357 --> 00:07:16,859 I'm not doing anything! 196 00:07:16,942 --> 00:07:18,944 - I'm going to bed soon! - Uh… 197 00:07:19,027 --> 00:07:21,321 - Okay. - I also know that my jacket 198 00:07:21,405 --> 00:07:22,990 has three sleeves. 199 00:07:23,073 --> 00:07:24,533 Wait a minute, when did I add 200 00:07:24,616 --> 00:07:25,659 a fourth sleeve? 201 00:07:25,743 --> 00:07:27,870 Did you guys see me add a fourth arm? 202 00:07:27,953 --> 00:07:29,496 Why am I freaking out? 203 00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,540 First day jitters, Jess. It's totally normal, 204 00:07:31,623 --> 00:07:32,916 and we have the answer. 205 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:34,918 - Rumspringa. - Boy ride. 206 00:07:35,002 --> 00:07:37,421 Rumspringa is a hallowed Amish tradition, 207 00:07:37,504 --> 00:07:39,214 not a one-day buddy comedy. 208 00:07:39,298 --> 00:07:40,382 Second of all, 209 00:07:40,466 --> 00:07:42,176 I don't want to go to a casino 210 00:07:42,259 --> 00:07:44,219 - or a sexual petting zoo. - That is why 211 00:07:44,303 --> 00:07:46,305 we are taking you to the old-timey Danish town 212 00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:49,391 oddly located in California's wine country. 213 00:07:49,475 --> 00:07:50,642 - Solvang! - Solvang! 214 00:07:50,726 --> 00:07:52,561 It's a craft fair! You love craft fairs. 215 00:07:52,644 --> 00:07:54,980 Candy apples, windmills, no minorities. 216 00:07:55,064 --> 00:07:57,191 Great Rumspringa, guys! I'm gonna hit the road. 217 00:07:57,274 --> 00:07:58,734 I need to work on my blazer. 218 00:07:58,817 --> 00:08:00,420 Well, I paid for all-day parking, so you're out 219 00:08:00,444 --> 00:08:02,005 of your mind if you think we're leaving now. 220 00:08:02,029 --> 00:08:05,115 Jess, resistance is the classic first stage. 221 00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:07,701 Just enjoy this! It's so cool. 222 00:08:07,785 --> 00:08:09,995 Look at this sign. Look at this sign. 223 00:08:10,079 --> 00:08:12,539 "When did it become a crime to rhyme all the time?" 224 00:08:12,623 --> 00:08:14,708 So true. 225 00:08:14,792 --> 00:08:16,770 - And it's really funny. - Somebody just thought of that. 226 00:08:16,794 --> 00:08:18,563 Do you think a teenager would hang this on his wall? 227 00:08:18,587 --> 00:08:19,671 - No. - I don't either. 228 00:08:19,755 --> 00:08:20,857 I just got a vision for my room. 229 00:08:20,881 --> 00:08:22,049 Excuse me. 230 00:08:22,132 --> 00:08:23,443 Okay, I got to go home, and I got to work 231 00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,787 on my morning announcement voice. 232 00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:26,512 "My morning announcement voice." 233 00:08:26,595 --> 00:08:28,764 "My morning announcement voice." 234 00:08:28,847 --> 00:08:30,474 I think the last one was close. 235 00:08:30,557 --> 00:08:32,476 I really think you're overthinking this. 236 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:35,270 Just do what I do… exude confidence all the time. 237 00:08:35,354 --> 00:08:36,915 But you're the boss now. You-you can't skate by 238 00:08:36,939 --> 00:08:38,190 on confidence alone. 239 00:08:38,273 --> 00:08:40,609 - Who says I can't? - Well, I couldn't get away with it. 240 00:08:40,692 --> 00:08:42,670 I'd always be worried that someone would figure out 241 00:08:42,694 --> 00:08:44,029 I didn't know what I was doing. 242 00:08:45,239 --> 00:08:47,032 I'd be terrified as hell. 243 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,785 Nah. I'm good. 244 00:08:49,868 --> 00:08:52,121 - I'm so goo… - Well, I'm not. 245 00:08:52,204 --> 00:08:53,956 I have to go home and work on my blazer. 246 00:08:54,039 --> 00:08:55,642 - So I found a bus ticket back… - Well, hold on. 247 00:08:55,666 --> 00:08:57,602 I think there's somebody that you would like to meet, Jess. 248 00:08:57,626 --> 00:09:00,170 Greetings, yon settlers three! 249 00:09:01,797 --> 00:09:04,883 Are there folksy, old-timey reenactors here? 250 00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:07,970 'Cause that would be, like, a total freaking game changer. 251 00:09:09,388 --> 00:09:12,850 I am one of the founders of this town of Solvang, 252 00:09:12,933 --> 00:09:14,643 Professor P.P. Hornsyld. 253 00:09:14,727 --> 00:09:16,007 Is this really what you're into? 254 00:09:16,061 --> 00:09:18,021 And so begins phase two: Enjoyment. 255 00:09:18,105 --> 00:09:19,481 At your service. 256 00:09:19,565 --> 00:09:21,251 I have 87 questions for you. When were you born? 257 00:09:21,275 --> 00:09:23,461 When did you die? Where were you born? Where did you die? 258 00:09:23,485 --> 00:09:25,605 Are you a spirit? What do you think of the modern era? 259 00:09:25,654 --> 00:09:26,923 What do you think of technology? 260 00:09:26,947 --> 00:09:28,991 Perhaps you'd like to try some aquavit, 261 00:09:29,074 --> 00:09:30,784 a traditional drink from the motherland. 262 00:09:30,868 --> 00:09:32,286 Perhaps you will enjoy its humors 263 00:09:32,369 --> 00:09:33,662 more than you enjoy peppering me 264 00:09:33,746 --> 00:09:35,289 with this endless barrage of questions. 265 00:09:39,001 --> 00:09:41,670 I can't believe you fell for the disappearing ink trick! 266 00:09:41,754 --> 00:09:43,464 Ah, ha, ha! 267 00:09:43,547 --> 00:09:45,466 That was Rhonda, that was Rhonda. 268 00:09:45,549 --> 00:09:49,011 Rhonda? Grow up, stop acting like Dennis the freaking Menace, 269 00:09:49,094 --> 00:09:51,346 and sign the papers. The pranks stop right now. 270 00:09:51,722 --> 00:09:53,265 I just wish I could've seen your face. 271 00:09:53,348 --> 00:09:55,142 You are being a turd. 272 00:09:55,225 --> 00:09:56,810 - Aly hates pranks. - What? 273 00:09:56,894 --> 00:09:57,996 - Yeah. - Like a normal person. 274 00:09:58,020 --> 00:09:59,313 No disrespect, Aly, 275 00:09:59,396 --> 00:10:01,023 but that's basic. 276 00:10:01,106 --> 00:10:02,900 Okay. That's very disrespectful. 277 00:10:02,983 --> 00:10:05,694 Winston, I'm worried about you marrying her. 278 00:10:05,778 --> 00:10:08,530 Here's a prank. I'm, I'm gon… I'm gonna kick you in the head. 279 00:10:08,614 --> 00:10:11,283 See, that's not a prank. See? Winston, I'm worried. 280 00:10:11,366 --> 00:10:13,702 Stop being a turd! 281 00:10:13,786 --> 00:10:16,455 - Now we're never getting a divorce! - You're a crazy person. 282 00:10:16,538 --> 00:10:18,457 - It's just gonna be pranks for life! - What? 283 00:10:18,540 --> 00:10:20,435 - Pranks at 50, pranks at 60, pranks at 80. - Aly, ignore her. 284 00:10:20,459 --> 00:10:22,604 Pranks in the nursing home. We'll figure something out. 285 00:10:22,628 --> 00:10:24,338 Hey, you're small. 286 00:10:24,421 --> 00:10:25,714 What? 287 00:10:25,798 --> 00:10:27,049 I'm looking for somebody small 288 00:10:27,132 --> 00:10:29,093 for a prank I'm cooking up. 289 00:10:32,137 --> 00:10:34,223 Actually, I could use all of you. 290 00:10:34,306 --> 00:10:36,183 Okay, look. Rhonda, yeah. This won't work. 291 00:10:36,642 --> 00:10:38,477 Aly, you don't have to do this. 292 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,021 If you do this for me, I'll give you your divorce. 293 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,567 If this is what I have to do to marry you, then… 294 00:10:46,068 --> 00:10:47,945 Rhonda, the three of us will do your prank. 295 00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,739 Wait, what? I have in no way consented to this. 296 00:10:50,823 --> 00:10:52,574 - Gonna do a group Rhonda! - That's awesome. 297 00:10:52,658 --> 00:10:56,078 Uh, how do you feel about having a bunch of jelly on your head? 298 00:10:56,161 --> 00:10:57,663 Not good, Rhonda. 299 00:10:57,746 --> 00:10:59,415 - Hey, Jess. - Mmm. 300 00:10:59,498 --> 00:11:00,558 Could you make a pillow out of this? 301 00:11:00,582 --> 00:11:01,768 You know damn well I could make 302 00:11:01,792 --> 00:11:02,876 a pillow out of anything. 303 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,379 Definite buy, bro. Aquavit me. 304 00:11:05,462 --> 00:11:07,232 I'm thinking of making a throw pillow for my room. 305 00:11:07,256 --> 00:11:10,008 Uh, teenagers don't have throw pillows, right? 306 00:11:10,092 --> 00:11:11,969 Whoa. Why you packing up? It's only 4:30. 307 00:11:12,052 --> 00:11:13,804 Yeah, it's Sunday. 308 00:11:13,887 --> 00:11:15,567 Everything around here closes pretty early. 309 00:11:15,639 --> 00:11:16,682 Sundays. 310 00:11:16,765 --> 00:11:18,600 I'm just getting my rum sprung! 311 00:11:18,684 --> 00:11:20,894 - Stinks. I don't… - What am I gonna do, Nick? 312 00:11:20,978 --> 00:11:22,938 Nick, I don't think I'm ready for this new job. 313 00:11:23,021 --> 00:11:24,666 I'm freaking out. And there's not enough aebleskivers 314 00:11:24,690 --> 00:11:26,191 in this whole place to soothe me. 315 00:11:26,275 --> 00:11:28,235 It's not over. Give me a second. Give me a second. 316 00:11:30,696 --> 00:11:32,614 I think I know how to keep this party going 317 00:11:32,698 --> 00:11:34,616 just a little bit longer. 318 00:11:36,368 --> 00:11:38,495 Welcome to the distillery. 319 00:11:42,499 --> 00:11:46,628 I'm gonna, uh, make sure that, that's okay. 320 00:11:48,756 --> 00:11:50,400 Oh, you know what? It's, um, it's probably just 321 00:11:50,424 --> 00:11:51,842 an old-timey Danish door. 322 00:11:51,925 --> 00:11:55,012 You just need to jiggle the, um, the dorhandtag. 323 00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:56,430 Yeah. I'm doing that. 324 00:11:56,513 --> 00:11:57,598 Maybe there's another door. 325 00:11:57,681 --> 00:11:59,266 No, that's it. 326 00:11:59,349 --> 00:12:00,601 Are we trapped? 327 00:12:01,226 --> 00:12:02,770 Wiggle the dorhandtag! 328 00:12:02,853 --> 00:12:04,653 It won't budge! It's locked! I'll make a call! 329 00:12:04,730 --> 00:12:06,607 Oh, my God. And there's no service! 330 00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:09,068 Let us out! We have a big day tomorrow, we need to pupate. 331 00:12:09,151 --> 00:12:10,431 They don't know what that means. 332 00:12:10,486 --> 00:12:11,671 Say something more accessible. 333 00:12:11,695 --> 00:12:12,738 Help! 334 00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:13,864 They have Wi-Fi. 335 00:12:13,947 --> 00:12:15,616 But I don't know the password! 336 00:12:15,699 --> 00:12:17,785 I'm on a real roller coaster of emotions right now. 337 00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:20,120 Just slamming up and crashing down! 338 00:12:22,372 --> 00:12:25,459 Come on, help us, Danes! Unlike in World War II! 339 00:12:25,542 --> 00:12:26,794 Yeah, I brought it up! 340 00:12:26,877 --> 00:12:28,146 - Darn it! - What are we gonna do? 341 00:12:28,170 --> 00:12:30,214 We've been stuck in here for over an hour! 342 00:12:30,297 --> 00:12:32,800 Okay, yes. Our bodies are trapped in this cellar, 343 00:12:32,883 --> 00:12:35,844 but our minds can go anywhere. 344 00:12:35,928 --> 00:12:37,596 We have to start new jobs tomorrow. 345 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:39,115 Don't you know who I am? I'm the director of marketing 346 00:12:39,139 --> 00:12:40,808 for Associated Strategies! 347 00:12:40,891 --> 00:12:43,268 Hey, Schmidt. It seems like you might need a Rumspringa. 348 00:12:43,352 --> 00:12:44,478 Want to go to a casino? 349 00:12:44,561 --> 00:12:45,663 Pick a number. Any number, kiddo. 350 00:12:45,687 --> 00:12:46,730 - What? - Pick a number. 351 00:12:46,814 --> 00:12:48,190 I don't understand this… 23. 352 00:12:48,273 --> 00:12:49,775 - That's wrong. - Fun, though, huh? 353 00:12:49,858 --> 00:12:51,110 - How am I wrong? - Was it 19? 354 00:12:51,193 --> 00:12:52,903 - It was… - He doesn't need a Rumspringa! 355 00:12:52,986 --> 00:12:55,614 He needs to get out of this cellar. 356 00:12:55,697 --> 00:12:57,258 I think you're looking at it wrong. There's still so much fun 357 00:12:57,282 --> 00:12:59,535 to be had in here. 358 00:13:00,702 --> 00:13:01,787 For example, 359 00:13:01,870 --> 00:13:05,040 in three minutes, a bird is gonna pop out of that clock. 360 00:13:05,124 --> 00:13:07,668 - A bird? - Just gonna pop its head out. 361 00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:09,104 - Why wait? - What do you mean, why… 362 00:13:09,128 --> 00:13:10,504 Son of a… 363 00:13:11,714 --> 00:13:13,674 Look, there. I got the bird. 364 00:13:13,757 --> 00:13:14,758 Isn't this fun? 365 00:13:16,969 --> 00:13:19,555 I told you I didn't want a Rumspringa. 366 00:13:20,347 --> 00:13:22,933 This might've worked when you were 20, but we're adults now, 367 00:13:23,016 --> 00:13:24,893 and you can't handle adult problems 368 00:13:24,977 --> 00:13:26,729 by forgetting about them. 369 00:13:30,232 --> 00:13:31,316 You're right. 370 00:13:32,359 --> 00:13:34,486 Maybe I handle my problems like a child. 371 00:13:37,406 --> 00:13:40,743 Maybe I decorate my room like a child. 372 00:13:40,826 --> 00:13:43,120 I mean, I even undress like a child. 373 00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:48,940 Do you think that's what Reagan was getting at about my room? 374 00:13:49,001 --> 00:13:51,920 - Yeah. - Do you think Reagan thinks I'm a child? 375 00:13:52,004 --> 00:13:53,523 - Mmm-hmm. - Okay, now I'm freaking out! 376 00:13:53,547 --> 00:13:55,340 And I'm usually the rock of this group. 377 00:13:55,424 --> 00:13:58,969 Once you lose old Nicky Miller, the whole thing falls apart. 378 00:14:00,012 --> 00:14:01,555 Aah. 379 00:14:01,638 --> 00:14:02,838 - Aah, okay. - She's gonna pop! 380 00:14:02,890 --> 00:14:04,516 How far apart are the contractions? 381 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,660 - Who's asking? - I don't know. 382 00:14:05,684 --> 00:14:07,478 Let's take a look. 383 00:14:07,561 --> 00:14:09,521 Wah. I'm a baby. 384 00:14:10,856 --> 00:14:12,483 I'm, I'm… coming out. 385 00:14:12,566 --> 00:14:13,692 Uh-uh. 386 00:14:13,776 --> 00:14:15,360 I, I know. I'm rattled, too. 387 00:14:15,444 --> 00:14:17,905 You just got Rhonda'd! 388 00:14:17,988 --> 00:14:20,282 That's for not coming to the family reunion. 389 00:14:20,365 --> 00:14:21,565 I'm so sorry. We got Rhonda'd. 390 00:14:22,159 --> 00:14:24,828 Uh, Dave? Hello. I, for one, would like to say I'm sorry. 391 00:14:24,912 --> 00:14:26,592 Did not want to participate in this at all. 392 00:14:26,622 --> 00:14:28,207 You're crazy. 393 00:14:28,290 --> 00:14:30,334 You got me good! 394 00:14:30,417 --> 00:14:32,336 Oh, God. W-What's happening? 395 00:14:32,419 --> 00:14:33,420 My, my skin… 396 00:14:33,504 --> 00:14:35,172 - It's burning. - What? What's going on? 397 00:14:35,255 --> 00:14:37,091 - The goop, it's burning my skin. - What? 398 00:14:37,174 --> 00:14:39,235 - Do something. My skin's burning. - What? Baby, baby, you okay? 399 00:14:39,259 --> 00:14:41,654 - What did you put on me? Ow! - Okay. What did you do to her, Rhonda? 400 00:14:41,678 --> 00:14:44,032 She didn't want the jelly, so I used a porcine birthing agent. 401 00:14:44,056 --> 00:14:45,599 - What is that? - I… I… 402 00:14:45,682 --> 00:14:47,935 - Well, it's burning! - Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. 403 00:14:48,018 --> 00:14:49,895 - You're sorry? - I… 404 00:14:49,978 --> 00:14:51,522 You should be 405 00:14:51,605 --> 00:14:54,274 because, baby doll, you just got Aly'd. 406 00:14:57,236 --> 00:14:58,904 Oh, oh! 407 00:14:59,488 --> 00:15:01,031 How you like that, Rhonda? 408 00:15:01,115 --> 00:15:03,033 - Who's basic now? - What? 409 00:15:03,117 --> 00:15:04,910 - Oh, my God. - Oh! 410 00:15:04,993 --> 00:15:06,120 Oh, my God, 411 00:15:06,203 --> 00:15:07,923 I thought you were about to die. My heart… 412 00:15:07,955 --> 00:15:09,206 - I died. - She good. 413 00:15:09,289 --> 00:15:10,999 How could you 414 00:15:11,083 --> 00:15:12,334 do something, 415 00:15:12,418 --> 00:15:14,378 so amazing? 416 00:15:15,921 --> 00:15:17,673 Just kind of thought of it on the spot. 417 00:15:17,756 --> 00:15:20,801 Oh, now, not only will you get a divorce, 418 00:15:20,884 --> 00:15:22,594 you have my blessing. 419 00:15:22,678 --> 00:15:24,398 Put your hands away. Nobody's asking for it. 420 00:15:24,471 --> 00:15:25,472 We don't need that. 421 00:15:28,475 --> 00:15:30,018 Well 422 00:15:30,102 --> 00:15:31,854 it's 4:00 a.m. It's official. 423 00:15:31,937 --> 00:15:34,106 I'm missing my first day as principal. 424 00:15:36,525 --> 00:15:38,819 Got a fresh toilet for you guys. 425 00:15:38,902 --> 00:15:40,195 Ration them. 426 00:15:40,279 --> 00:15:41,655 Guys, don't give up hope. 427 00:15:41,739 --> 00:15:42,990 Well, I'm fine being trapped. 428 00:15:43,073 --> 00:15:44,450 I don't want to go to work. 429 00:15:44,533 --> 00:15:46,344 Look, we're gonna get out of here, and when we do, 430 00:15:46,368 --> 00:15:48,370 I'm gonna start… I'm gonna start growing up. 431 00:15:48,746 --> 00:15:50,372 You have grown up, Nick. 432 00:15:50,873 --> 00:15:52,458 I mean, you own a bar. 433 00:15:52,541 --> 00:15:53,876 You wrote a novel. 434 00:15:53,959 --> 00:15:55,794 I'm talking about really growing up. 435 00:15:55,878 --> 00:15:57,880 There's still so much I want to do, like… 436 00:15:57,963 --> 00:16:00,007 I want to try cilantro. 437 00:16:00,090 --> 00:16:01,258 You haven't tried cilantro? 438 00:16:01,341 --> 00:16:02,926 I want to figure out what NASDAQ means. 439 00:16:03,010 --> 00:16:04,053 You've never had salsa? 440 00:16:04,136 --> 00:16:05,971 I want to not shimmy out of my pants. 441 00:16:06,055 --> 00:16:07,514 Feels good being empty. 442 00:16:07,598 --> 00:16:09,266 I'm sorry I kidnapped you, Jess. 443 00:16:09,349 --> 00:16:11,268 I just hated to see you with first-day jitters. 444 00:16:11,351 --> 00:16:13,187 What is wrong with me? 445 00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:15,939 I've been preparing for this job my entire life. 446 00:16:16,065 --> 00:16:18,901 I mean… maybe this'll help. 447 00:16:20,819 --> 00:16:22,905 A bottle of champagne. 448 00:16:22,988 --> 00:16:26,200 A toast to the new principal, right? Should we? 449 00:16:26,283 --> 00:16:28,178 Is that a bottle of Krug Clos d'Camaret-du-sur Mer? 450 00:16:28,202 --> 00:16:31,288 Yeah, it absolutely is a bottle of "Klus Clos de Saminaire." 451 00:16:31,371 --> 00:16:33,082 Little known fact 452 00:16:33,165 --> 00:16:35,667 about the late '90s Krug Clos d'Camaret-sur-Mer. 453 00:16:35,751 --> 00:16:36,877 According to my father, 454 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,088 they have very strong wire around the cork. 455 00:16:39,171 --> 00:16:41,006 Well, that anecdote's ready to go. 456 00:16:41,340 --> 00:16:42,883 Uncork it, Nick. 457 00:16:42,966 --> 00:16:44,301 Go, go, go. 458 00:16:49,056 --> 00:16:50,432 Look at that. 459 00:16:50,516 --> 00:16:51,892 It's like a key. 460 00:16:51,975 --> 00:16:54,728 Almost exactly like a key. 461 00:16:54,812 --> 00:16:56,063 Uh-huh, yep. 462 00:16:58,482 --> 00:16:59,525 Okay. 463 00:17:04,196 --> 00:17:06,073 - I did it! - Oh. 464 00:17:06,156 --> 00:17:07,699 I didn't even need to prepare for it. 465 00:17:08,158 --> 00:17:09,326 When Schmidt's back 466 00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:11,912 is up against the wall, Schmidt shows up, 467 00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:13,872 because I have confidence and skill. 468 00:17:13,956 --> 00:17:15,707 Yeah, yeah, finish your epiphany on the way. 469 00:17:15,791 --> 00:17:17,960 - We got to go. - We got to go. Let's go to Ass Strat. 470 00:17:18,043 --> 00:17:22,089 Okay, two more hours before… morning announcements. 471 00:17:22,172 --> 00:17:23,382 I think we can still make it 472 00:17:23,465 --> 00:17:24,967 if we take zero pee or snack breaks. 473 00:17:25,050 --> 00:17:26,343 Don't worry, I have five toilets. 474 00:17:26,427 --> 00:17:27,970 I'm still too drunk. I can't drive. 475 00:17:28,053 --> 00:17:29,280 - All right, drunk check. - Drunk. 476 00:17:29,304 --> 00:17:30,681 - Drunk. - Crap. 477 00:17:31,765 --> 00:17:33,525 I'm sure glad we exchanged numbers yesterday. 478 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:34,768 Really worked out, huh? 479 00:17:34,852 --> 00:17:36,788 Yeah. So, you guys can really get me on The Price Is Right. 480 00:17:36,812 --> 00:17:37,896 Ja. 481 00:17:37,980 --> 00:17:39,148 Drew is a good friend. 482 00:17:39,231 --> 00:17:40,315 Road trip! 483 00:17:40,399 --> 00:17:41,900 Boy ride! Boy ride! 484 00:17:41,984 --> 00:17:43,944 - Boy ride! - Please, can we just go? 485 00:17:46,238 --> 00:17:48,365 The divorce papers are finalized. Good news. 486 00:17:48,449 --> 00:17:50,093 There's no way this could be disappearing ink, right? 487 00:17:50,117 --> 00:17:51,344 Well, I mean, the longest disappearing ink on record 488 00:17:51,368 --> 00:17:53,138 - is only 42 minutes, so, no, we're good. - Great. 489 00:17:53,162 --> 00:17:55,789 I actually had a good time pranking Rhonda. 490 00:17:55,873 --> 00:17:57,166 No, not you, too. Please. 491 00:17:57,249 --> 00:17:59,501 I mean it. I think we can kind of 492 00:17:59,585 --> 00:18:01,170 get into this as a couple. 493 00:18:01,253 --> 00:18:03,297 We'll prank, have some sex… 494 00:18:03,380 --> 00:18:04,381 Mmm. 495 00:18:04,465 --> 00:18:06,383 Prank people, have some more sex, pet the cat. 496 00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:07,593 I'm okay with that life. 497 00:18:07,676 --> 00:18:09,654 I don't understand how any human being could enjoy it. 498 00:18:09,678 --> 00:18:12,973 Well, because we are pranks, don't you see? 499 00:18:13,057 --> 00:18:15,976 - Huh? - In the Bible, God created light and dark. 500 00:18:16,226 --> 00:18:19,730 And then separated the heavens from the oceans. 501 00:18:20,105 --> 00:18:22,649 Then created plants, then animals. 502 00:18:22,733 --> 00:18:24,794 And the animals, they thought they had all this cool stuff 503 00:18:24,818 --> 00:18:26,945 to themselves, but then… 504 00:18:27,029 --> 00:18:29,865 God pranked the animals with us. 505 00:18:30,407 --> 00:18:32,034 And it was good. 506 00:18:32,117 --> 00:18:33,243 That was so sexy. 507 00:18:33,327 --> 00:18:34,536 - Mmm-hmm. - That was so sexy. 508 00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:35,954 I know it was. 509 00:18:36,038 --> 00:18:37,206 - Mmm-hmm. - You like that? 510 00:18:37,289 --> 00:18:38,892 - I didn't know you knew all that. - Mmm-hmm. 511 00:18:38,916 --> 00:18:40,250 Trick's on me, that's for sure. 512 00:18:41,794 --> 00:18:44,463 Why… why are there adoption papers in here? 513 00:18:44,546 --> 00:18:45,798 - Hmm? - What? 514 00:18:45,881 --> 00:18:47,067 There are adoption papers in here. 515 00:18:47,091 --> 00:18:49,134 What? Let me see this. 516 00:18:51,178 --> 00:18:52,221 Oh, holy hell, 517 00:18:52,304 --> 00:18:54,890 - Rhonda adopted Aly… - What? 518 00:18:54,973 --> 00:18:56,600 In Liberia. 519 00:18:56,683 --> 00:18:57,893 In Liberia? 520 00:18:57,976 --> 00:18:59,376 No, no, this doesn't make any sense. 521 00:19:00,312 --> 00:19:01,605 "Dear Aly, please accept" 522 00:19:01,688 --> 00:19:04,608 "these divorce papers as an engagement gift" 523 00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:06,860 "from Mom." 524 00:19:06,944 --> 00:19:08,195 Ew. She said "Mom"? 525 00:19:08,278 --> 00:19:09,822 I mean, I guess that's a good prank. 526 00:19:09,905 --> 00:19:11,407 You're my stepdad? 527 00:19:11,490 --> 00:19:12,675 I'm so confused by what qualifies, 528 00:19:12,699 --> 00:19:13,909 I honestly can't weigh in. 529 00:19:13,992 --> 00:19:15,452 I hate my Liberian mom. 530 00:19:16,954 --> 00:19:18,122 - Come here. - Okay, Winston. 531 00:19:18,205 --> 00:19:19,289 - Uh-oh. - Not now. 532 00:19:19,373 --> 00:19:20,558 - That's so crazy. Let's just… - Winston. 533 00:19:20,582 --> 00:19:21,875 - Okay. - Not now. 534 00:19:21,959 --> 00:19:24,128 We made it, and I didn't puke in the car. 535 00:19:25,546 --> 00:19:27,107 Can we offer you any money for the bus ride home? 536 00:19:27,131 --> 00:19:29,091 - What about The Price Is Right? - We lied. 537 00:19:29,174 --> 00:19:30,485 We have no connection to The Price Is Right. 538 00:19:30,509 --> 00:19:31,927 Nobody knows Drew. He-He's a hermit. 539 00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:33,429 You watched me call my mom. 540 00:19:33,512 --> 00:19:35,097 How about $300 to get out of the car? 541 00:19:37,307 --> 00:19:38,308 It's a good deal. 542 00:19:38,392 --> 00:19:39,393 Shut up. 543 00:19:40,561 --> 00:19:42,730 All right, as soon as you step out of this car, Jess, 544 00:19:42,813 --> 00:19:43,933 you're gonna be a principal. 545 00:19:43,981 --> 00:19:46,233 It's… holiday. School's closed. 546 00:19:46,316 --> 00:19:48,068 - Why are all the kids going in? - Yeah. 547 00:19:48,152 --> 00:19:49,653 If it's… if the school is closed, 548 00:19:49,737 --> 00:19:51,548 - why are all these little kids going in? - I agree. 549 00:19:51,572 --> 00:19:53,323 - No, I'm asking you. - We should just go. 550 00:19:53,407 --> 00:19:54,742 What are you talking about, Jess? 551 00:19:54,825 --> 00:19:56,545 It's… get out there, you're gonna be late. 552 00:19:58,579 --> 00:20:01,290 Schmidt, can I get a… a minute alone with Jess? 553 00:20:01,373 --> 00:20:03,292 Would you please take the pee bottles with you? 554 00:20:03,375 --> 00:20:06,879 Sure. A grown man standing around a bunch of ten-year-olds, 555 00:20:06,962 --> 00:20:08,189 holding bottles of his own urine. 556 00:20:08,213 --> 00:20:09,548 What could go wrong? 557 00:20:14,344 --> 00:20:17,097 Well, I think I know what's going on with you, Jess. 558 00:20:18,140 --> 00:20:20,267 I mean, you've always been on this path, 559 00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:21,977 and now that you're at the end of it, 560 00:20:22,061 --> 00:20:25,856 and you've reached the goal, you know, it's a little scary. 561 00:20:27,357 --> 00:20:29,485 Yeah, it's pretty stupid, huh? 562 00:20:29,568 --> 00:20:31,445 No, I don't think it's stupid. 563 00:20:31,528 --> 00:20:35,449 And as a guy who has never had a path like that, 564 00:20:35,532 --> 00:20:37,659 I'm personally really excited 565 00:20:37,743 --> 00:20:38,911 to see what happens next. 566 00:20:44,792 --> 00:20:47,753 You know what? I'm gonna get out of this car, 567 00:20:48,378 --> 00:20:50,089 and I'm gonna go be principal. 568 00:20:56,804 --> 00:20:58,764 Oh. I forgot my blazer. 569 00:20:59,473 --> 00:21:00,933 Way ahead of you, Jess. 570 00:21:01,809 --> 00:21:04,144 Oh. But you were gonna make a pillow out of that. 571 00:21:04,228 --> 00:21:06,313 Ah, it won't fit in my room. 572 00:21:06,397 --> 00:21:07,898 It's not a good style for me. 573 00:21:07,981 --> 00:21:09,775 It looks great on you. 574 00:21:09,858 --> 00:21:12,111 Thanks, it fits perfectly. 575 00:21:14,113 --> 00:21:15,364 And, Nick, 576 00:21:15,447 --> 00:21:18,617 I… I like your room the way it is. 577 00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:22,413 It already has a style. It's… it's you. 578 00:21:23,914 --> 00:21:25,749 Okay, get to class, kids! 579 00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:28,710 Only five minutes till… morning announcements. 580 00:21:28,794 --> 00:21:30,379 Go get 'em, Principal Day! 581 00:21:30,462 --> 00:21:34,133 Morning announcements. Morning announcements. 582 00:21:34,842 --> 00:21:36,009 Nailed it. 583 00:21:36,093 --> 00:21:38,429 Morning announcements. Morning.