1 00:00:02,705 --> 00:00:04,766 - I need it. I have a big day at work. - I need it more. 2 00:00:04,790 --> 00:00:07,293 - I have to bake muffins before work. - What? Why? 3 00:00:07,376 --> 00:00:11,547 'Cause it's for my "Lunch With Your Princi-Pal" campaign. 4 00:00:11,630 --> 00:00:13,733 See, being principal's great, but unlike being vice principal, 5 00:00:13,757 --> 00:00:15,426 now the buck stops with me. 6 00:00:15,509 --> 00:00:17,887 I'm "the Man" now, and all the kids 7 00:00:17,970 --> 00:00:20,681 can just smell "the Man" all over me. 8 00:00:20,764 --> 00:00:22,474 That sounded really weird. 9 00:00:22,558 --> 00:00:23,851 All I'm saying is 10 00:00:23,934 --> 00:00:25,936 suddenly I have no relationship with the kids. 11 00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:28,731 I'm really counting on these muffins to humanize me. 12 00:00:28,814 --> 00:00:30,316 I deserve that coffee. 13 00:00:30,399 --> 00:00:32,943 I'm finally director of marketing at Ass Strat. 14 00:00:33,027 --> 00:00:35,946 Today I get to hire an assistant. 15 00:00:36,030 --> 00:00:38,699 I'm gonna be tough, but I won't be a screamer. 16 00:00:38,782 --> 00:00:40,826 It's not constructive, it's rude. 17 00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:42,846 - Ooh, coffee. - Your pour that coffee down, you throw it 18 00:00:42,870 --> 00:00:44,306 or I'll pour your blood on the ground! 19 00:00:44,330 --> 00:00:45,873 You'll pour my blood on the ground? 20 00:00:45,956 --> 00:00:47,666 - I'll knife you! - Look, I got a full 21 00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:49,084 day of writing ahead of me, 22 00:00:49,168 --> 00:00:51,086 and that requires a fourth cup of joe. 23 00:00:51,170 --> 00:00:52,880 What else is my whiskey gonna swim in? 24 00:00:52,963 --> 00:00:54,733 You're taking this too far. You treat that heart of yours 25 00:00:54,757 --> 00:00:56,091 like a baseball-man's mitt. 26 00:00:56,175 --> 00:00:58,385 Uh, hello, I am the one packing for our move today, 27 00:00:58,469 --> 00:01:00,804 so I will be having, uh, the coffee. 28 00:01:03,265 --> 00:01:04,558 Enough is enough with this! 29 00:01:04,642 --> 00:01:05,744 What are you doing here, Winston? 30 00:01:05,768 --> 00:01:07,311 Enough! 31 00:01:07,770 --> 00:01:09,688 You guys are tearing each other apart. 32 00:01:09,772 --> 00:01:12,149 For what? Coffee? 33 00:01:12,233 --> 00:01:13,400 Come on, man, 34 00:01:13,484 --> 00:01:15,986 you already got that energy inside of you. 35 00:01:16,070 --> 00:01:18,864 And that is the light of the Lord. 36 00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:20,908 Man, this? 37 00:01:20,991 --> 00:01:22,785 This ain't nothing but the devil's water. 38 00:01:23,869 --> 00:01:26,163 - Nah, I'm just playing. - Hey, Winston! 39 00:01:26,247 --> 00:01:28,165 Winston, that wasn't fair! 40 00:01:28,249 --> 00:01:29,750 I'll knife you by the urinal, Winston! 41 00:01:29,834 --> 00:01:31,085 Enough with the knifing. 42 00:01:35,798 --> 00:01:37,883 Today's the day it all turns around. 43 00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,803 - Hey. - Sorr… I'm sorry I hit you, Jess. 44 00:01:40,886 --> 00:01:42,805 I didn't mean to. I'm using magnetic words 45 00:01:42,888 --> 00:01:44,991 to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. 46 00:01:45,015 --> 00:01:46,976 I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated 47 00:01:47,059 --> 00:01:49,603 six times, and I'm running out of things to do. 48 00:01:49,687 --> 00:01:52,398 I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles, 49 00:01:52,481 --> 00:01:54,233 it sold over 30 copies, Jess. 50 00:01:54,316 --> 00:01:55,961 So, what, we're complaining about good things now? 51 00:01:55,985 --> 00:01:58,004 It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, 52 00:01:58,028 --> 00:01:59,989 and I can't leave those stevedores, 53 00:02:00,072 --> 00:02:01,949 those-those tugboat workers, 54 00:02:02,032 --> 00:02:03,951 those lighthouse keepers empty-handed. 55 00:02:04,034 --> 00:02:06,453 You think that your audience is entirely made of, like… 56 00:02:06,537 --> 00:02:08,956 Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. 57 00:02:09,039 --> 00:02:11,125 I don't think that, Jess, I know that. 58 00:02:11,208 --> 00:02:13,460 Okay, Nick, you're incredibly talented. 59 00:02:13,544 --> 00:02:15,212 You can do this. And you have the key, 60 00:02:15,296 --> 00:02:17,590 and the key is simply… 61 00:02:17,673 --> 00:02:20,009 Oh. I have to go. 62 00:02:20,092 --> 00:02:21,135 Simply what? 63 00:02:21,218 --> 00:02:22,970 Jess, simply what? 64 00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:28,309 All right. What do we have here? 65 00:02:28,392 --> 00:02:30,269 "Sentient feces." 66 00:02:30,895 --> 00:02:33,898 Why is there a magnet that says "feces"? 67 00:02:33,981 --> 00:02:35,524 All right. Trust the process. 68 00:02:36,358 --> 00:02:38,777 Ugh. Thanks for helping me pack. 69 00:02:38,861 --> 00:02:41,488 No problem. This might be our last chance for a mess-around. 70 00:02:41,572 --> 00:02:42,799 Don't you start with that last mess-around stuff. 71 00:02:42,823 --> 00:02:43,949 Don't you start. 72 00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:45,886 Don't start, 'cause then I'll start. Look, I'm already starting. 73 00:02:45,910 --> 00:02:47,679 - Don't start. - I didn't start this whole thing. 74 00:02:47,703 --> 00:02:49,205 - I can't do it, okay? - Okay. 75 00:02:49,288 --> 00:02:51,040 Okay, we agreed, 76 00:02:51,665 --> 00:02:54,084 let's just pack, okay? Great. 77 00:02:54,168 --> 00:02:56,837 - Furguson? Where have you been? - What? Hi! 78 00:02:56,921 --> 00:02:58,172 Huh? When you leave the house, 79 00:02:58,255 --> 00:02:59,924 you take your cell phone with you. 80 00:03:00,007 --> 00:03:03,511 Oh! Oh, thank you so much for grabbing my cat. 81 00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:05,322 Come on, Sweatshirt, there's still some sashimi 82 00:03:05,346 --> 00:03:06,805 left between my toes. 83 00:03:06,889 --> 00:03:09,975 Uh, this here is, uh, Winston's cat, Furguson. 84 00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:12,478 Sweatshirt walked through my door a year ago, 85 00:03:12,561 --> 00:03:14,730 and while he may come and go as he pleases, 86 00:03:14,813 --> 00:03:17,900 he loves Mommy and her little milkies. 87 00:03:17,983 --> 00:03:20,027 Yes, he does. 88 00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:21,529 - I'm his home. - Oh, really? 89 00:03:21,612 --> 00:03:23,656 So why do I have a photo of Furguson 90 00:03:23,739 --> 00:03:25,074 on my phone? 91 00:03:25,157 --> 00:03:26,242 Oh, yeah? 92 00:03:26,325 --> 00:03:28,619 Then why do I have a picture of Sweatshirt 93 00:03:28,702 --> 00:03:29,954 - on my sweatshirt? - Oh, damn. 94 00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:34,750 Furguson, you got 95 00:03:34,834 --> 00:03:36,752 you got two families, you dirty dog. 96 00:03:37,169 --> 00:03:40,256 Look, I'm sorry about that. I'm Winston. This is Cece. 97 00:03:40,339 --> 00:03:43,133 Name's Gil… like the man's name, but for me. 98 00:03:46,178 --> 00:03:47,221 Cornell. 99 00:03:47,304 --> 00:03:48,848 Magna cum laude. 100 00:03:48,931 --> 00:03:51,642 Two years of executive assistant experience. 101 00:03:51,725 --> 00:03:55,020 Very nice. Is this 24-pound linen stock? 102 00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:57,273 - Uh, yeah, it is. - Impressive. Ken, 103 00:03:57,356 --> 00:04:00,067 do me a favor, will you, uh, untie your tie? 104 00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:02,862 Uh, I can't, actually. It's, um… it's a clip-on. 105 00:04:02,945 --> 00:04:04,071 I know. 106 00:04:04,154 --> 00:04:05,634 Thanks so much, son. See yourself out. 107 00:04:06,156 --> 00:04:07,241 Next. 108 00:04:09,451 --> 00:04:10,452 Hello, sir. 109 00:04:10,536 --> 00:04:12,079 - Hello. - My name is Jeremy. 110 00:04:12,163 --> 00:04:13,455 Thank you. 111 00:04:13,539 --> 00:04:15,124 Let me give you a scenario. 112 00:04:15,416 --> 00:04:17,126 We land the Bronco Blue Jeans account 113 00:04:17,209 --> 00:04:20,129 and install Brett Favre as its face. 114 00:04:20,212 --> 00:04:22,298 You receive a call from a nosy maître d'. 115 00:04:22,381 --> 00:04:24,550 It appears that Brett has been spotted 116 00:04:24,967 --> 00:04:26,719 at the Ritz-Carlton eating a salad, 117 00:04:26,802 --> 00:04:28,095 dressed in a tuxedo. 118 00:04:28,179 --> 00:04:29,805 The paparazzi are on their way. 119 00:04:29,889 --> 00:04:31,599 You rush in to alert me. You find me dead. 120 00:04:31,682 --> 00:04:32,808 What do you do? 121 00:04:33,058 --> 00:04:34,935 I find a honky-tonk bar near the Ritz Carlton. 122 00:04:35,019 --> 00:04:37,164 I leave a pair of perfectly broken-in Bronco Blue Jeans 123 00:04:37,188 --> 00:04:39,207 in Mr. Favre's size, as well as a grass-stained T-shirt 124 00:04:39,231 --> 00:04:40,608 on the floor of the bathroom. 125 00:04:40,691 --> 00:04:42,669 I get on the phone, rent a tractor, drive it directly into 126 00:04:42,693 --> 00:04:44,171 the swimming pool of the Ritz-Carlton. 127 00:04:44,195 --> 00:04:45,463 When the staff is distracted, I physically 128 00:04:45,487 --> 00:04:47,781 subdue Mr. Favre under the weight of my full body, 129 00:04:47,865 --> 00:04:49,992 look him in the eyes and tell him to repeat after me: 130 00:04:50,075 --> 00:04:53,412 "I got drunk playing football and remember nothing since." 131 00:04:53,496 --> 00:04:55,015 "I would never knowingly wear a tuxedo," 132 00:04:55,039 --> 00:04:57,100 "drive a tractor into a swimming pool or eat a salad." 133 00:04:57,124 --> 00:04:58,334 "And I would never knowingly" 134 00:04:58,417 --> 00:04:59,811 "leave my Bronco Blue Jeans behind." 135 00:04:59,835 --> 00:05:00,961 And the maître d'? 136 00:05:01,045 --> 00:05:02,963 I rented the tractor in his name. 137 00:05:03,047 --> 00:05:05,508 The next call he'll be making will be from the police station. 138 00:05:08,636 --> 00:05:10,930 Welcome to Ass Strat. 139 00:05:11,013 --> 00:05:13,432 Muffin? Muffin. They're homemade. 140 00:05:13,516 --> 00:05:15,017 Blueberry. Look out, 141 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,143 principal's coming! 142 00:05:16,227 --> 00:05:17,811 Bah. Just kidding. Muffin? 143 00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:19,772 Are you calling me Muffin or offering me one? 144 00:05:19,855 --> 00:05:21,106 Either way, no. 145 00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:24,026 Okay. Well, cool, cool, cool, cool. 146 00:05:24,109 --> 00:05:27,154 I think Bayou Sue sent the letter… 147 00:05:27,238 --> 00:05:29,073 Sorry, what did you say? 148 00:05:29,156 --> 00:05:30,199 Sorry. Are we in trouble? 149 00:05:30,282 --> 00:05:33,035 No, I just… Did you say Bayou Sue? 150 00:05:33,118 --> 00:05:35,388 She's just a character in this book that we're obsessed with. 151 00:05:35,412 --> 00:05:37,224 - Yeah, Pepperwood Chronicles. - Anyway, you probably 152 00:05:37,248 --> 00:05:38,528 wouldn't know anything about it. 153 00:05:40,835 --> 00:05:42,270 I put a couple copies in the library, 154 00:05:42,294 --> 00:05:44,174 and the librarian didn't think it'd go anywhere. 155 00:05:44,255 --> 00:05:46,841 I can't wait to rub it in Esther's smug face. 156 00:05:46,924 --> 00:05:49,236 - That's very flattering. - Please come and talk to these girls. 157 00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:50,886 They're obsessed with Pepperwood. 158 00:05:51,262 --> 00:05:53,264 I don't have time for this. I'm only on page two. 159 00:05:53,347 --> 00:05:56,392 And page one is just a dedication to Winston. 160 00:05:56,475 --> 00:05:57,560 Ugh. Come on. 161 00:05:57,643 --> 00:05:59,283 The kids used to love Vice Principal Jess, 162 00:05:59,311 --> 00:06:01,647 and now they won't have anything to do with Principal Jess. 163 00:06:01,730 --> 00:06:04,066 It's like I'm living in my own damn adorable shadow. 164 00:06:04,358 --> 00:06:07,069 Please? You might get some ideas from your audience. 165 00:06:07,152 --> 00:06:09,192 My audience is the men who built this great country. 166 00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:10,823 Your students would never understand 167 00:06:10,906 --> 00:06:13,701 that Pepperwood's just a New Orleans story 168 00:06:13,784 --> 00:06:16,078 about a guy fighting with the alligator within. 169 00:06:17,079 --> 00:06:18,581 Well, could you just do it for me? 170 00:06:18,664 --> 00:06:19,975 Yeah, I'll… I mean, I'll do it for you, Jess, sure. 171 00:06:19,999 --> 00:06:21,250 Well, then why didn't you… 172 00:06:21,333 --> 00:06:23,627 You know what, I'm happy with where we ended up, 173 00:06:23,711 --> 00:06:25,880 but you took me on a real spin around the block there. 174 00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:30,301 So, as you can see here, I treat Furguson right. 175 00:06:30,384 --> 00:06:31,427 Mmm-hmm. 176 00:06:31,510 --> 00:06:33,179 Okay? Organic kitty litter. 177 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:35,181 - Mmm-hmm. - I got the miniature piano, 178 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,183 the tiny, tiny treadmill, 179 00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:39,268 and right over here is where we do couples yoga. 180 00:06:41,145 --> 00:06:43,856 Fish nuggets? Oh, well, that would explain 181 00:06:43,939 --> 00:06:47,151 his recent oily eliminations, which I document on the cloud. 182 00:06:47,610 --> 00:06:48,903 You track his poop? 183 00:06:48,986 --> 00:06:51,030 What, you just weigh his hairballs and clock out? 184 00:06:51,113 --> 00:06:53,532 - I mean, I… - Furguson is happy here, okay? 185 00:06:53,616 --> 00:06:55,284 Around people that actually cherish him. 186 00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:56,785 Don't you start, Cece. 187 00:06:56,869 --> 00:06:58,305 And who helped him become the cat that he is. 188 00:06:58,329 --> 00:07:00,122 Now ain't the time. I'm sorry, but it's true. 189 00:07:00,206 --> 00:07:02,082 - Now ain't the time. - What's happening? 190 00:07:02,166 --> 00:07:03,167 I'm trying, okay? 191 00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:04,730 I've just got to breathe for a second. 192 00:07:06,003 --> 00:07:07,189 Let me explain something to you. 193 00:07:07,213 --> 00:07:09,131 Okay? Furguson is my cat. 194 00:07:09,215 --> 00:07:10,382 I found him first. 195 00:07:10,466 --> 00:07:11,842 Well, you may have found Furguson, 196 00:07:11,926 --> 00:07:13,552 but Sweatshirt found me. 197 00:07:13,636 --> 00:07:14,779 I see you want to play hardball here. 198 00:07:14,803 --> 00:07:15,883 - How about this? - Mmm-hmm. 199 00:07:15,930 --> 00:07:17,848 We settle things the way we do on the street. 200 00:07:17,932 --> 00:07:18,974 Mmm-hmm. 201 00:07:19,058 --> 00:07:20,059 - Catcall. - What? 202 00:07:20,142 --> 00:07:21,685 - We let Furguson decide. - Oh, yeah. 203 00:07:21,936 --> 00:07:24,355 Fine. We'll leave the decision in his paws. 204 00:07:24,438 --> 00:07:25,856 Which are now incredibly strong, 205 00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:28,442 thanks to his new set of, uh, mini-dumbbells. 206 00:07:28,526 --> 00:07:30,069 You're welcome. 207 00:07:30,152 --> 00:07:31,153 Ooh, ooh! 208 00:07:31,237 --> 00:07:32,321 Okay, Pepper-heads! 209 00:07:32,404 --> 00:07:34,698 Get ready for a memorable experience, 210 00:07:34,782 --> 00:07:36,343 which I hope you will recount at your weddings, 211 00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:37,409 which I will also be at, 212 00:07:37,493 --> 00:07:38,786 brought to you by your favorite 213 00:07:38,869 --> 00:07:40,579 principal-slash-friend, Jessica Day. 214 00:07:40,663 --> 00:07:43,874 Please welcome your favorite author, Nick Miller! 215 00:07:43,958 --> 00:07:45,125 Yay! 216 00:07:46,794 --> 00:07:48,295 No, no, no. Stop it, stop it. 217 00:07:48,379 --> 00:07:49,439 All right, let's get this over with. 218 00:07:49,463 --> 00:07:51,173 Uh, let's talk about the book 219 00:07:51,257 --> 00:07:52,609 you guys most certainly don't understand 220 00:07:52,633 --> 00:07:53,953 because it wasn't written for you 221 00:07:54,009 --> 00:07:55,219 or people your age. Go ahead. 222 00:07:55,302 --> 00:07:56,762 The kissing. OMG, the romance. 223 00:07:56,846 --> 00:07:58,490 - The make out scene at the levee. - Oh, the romance. 224 00:07:58,514 --> 00:08:02,017 Guys! Pepperwood's about way more than just a romance. 225 00:08:02,101 --> 00:08:04,728 It's… it's, uh, it's about life, you know? 226 00:08:04,812 --> 00:08:05,896 Race. 227 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:09,316 The sexualization of the American handgun. 228 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,568 - Keep it clean. - Okay. 229 00:08:10,651 --> 00:08:13,153 It's a story about his ambiguous relationship 230 00:08:13,237 --> 00:08:14,572 with… with justice. 231 00:08:14,655 --> 00:08:16,282 But the romance is amazing. 232 00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:17,449 It made me realize 233 00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:19,285 it doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay; 234 00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,369 I'm just me. 235 00:08:21,287 --> 00:08:23,205 You got that from my book? 236 00:08:23,289 --> 00:08:25,249 That's… yeah. That was positive. 237 00:08:25,332 --> 00:08:27,751 Do you think that's because of the gay dog character? 238 00:08:27,835 --> 00:08:29,170 Yeah. 239 00:08:29,253 --> 00:08:30,564 What I really respect about that is 240 00:08:30,588 --> 00:08:33,132 it's never mentioned that he's a gay dog. 241 00:08:33,215 --> 00:08:35,217 But you got that from the writing. 242 00:08:35,634 --> 00:08:36,677 And that's pretty dope. 243 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,971 You write female desire so well. 244 00:08:39,054 --> 00:08:41,182 - Thank you. - That's okay to say, right? 245 00:08:41,265 --> 00:08:42,933 Yah, Ramona. 246 00:08:43,017 --> 00:08:44,393 I'm just like you. 247 00:08:44,476 --> 00:08:46,187 I'm your princi-pal. I'm your friend. 248 00:08:46,270 --> 00:08:48,189 I like to just throw on my rollerblades, 249 00:08:48,272 --> 00:08:49,374 and just go out there and think. 250 00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:50,524 Can I ask 251 00:08:50,608 --> 00:08:52,818 you guys about the scene in the fish morgue? 252 00:08:52,902 --> 00:08:54,838 - Oh, my God, that was my favorite chapter. - Mine, too. 253 00:08:54,862 --> 00:08:56,655 - I read it, like, five times. - Yeah, same! 254 00:08:57,990 --> 00:08:59,033 What? 255 00:08:59,158 --> 00:09:00,260 I stayed up all night. It was such a good chapter. 256 00:09:00,284 --> 00:09:01,535 Thank you. 257 00:09:01,619 --> 00:09:04,079 Oh, yeah. You're welcome. Why'd you whisper it? 258 00:09:04,163 --> 00:09:06,224 Jeremy, I'm just gonna go grab a coffee, and then I will… 259 00:09:06,248 --> 00:09:08,375 Dark roast, soy creamer, 160 degrees. 260 00:09:08,459 --> 00:09:10,252 - How was your lunch, sir? - Disappointing. 261 00:09:10,336 --> 00:09:12,736 Why don't you eat the homemade bucatini I brought for myself? 262 00:09:13,714 --> 00:09:16,675 Well, thank you, Jeremy. 263 00:09:16,759 --> 00:09:19,678 Um, you know, I'm not getting 264 00:09:19,762 --> 00:09:22,765 e-mails on my… 265 00:09:22,848 --> 00:09:24,433 I just got an e-mail on my phone. 266 00:09:24,517 --> 00:09:25,809 It's from you. 267 00:09:25,893 --> 00:09:29,355 "Your e-mail is now working." All right. 268 00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,565 Well, Jeremy, I'm just gonna go enjoy this bucatini 269 00:09:31,649 --> 00:09:34,401 and, uh, organize the Peterson account. 270 00:09:34,485 --> 00:09:36,028 - I did it already. - You did? 271 00:09:37,947 --> 00:09:39,698 Okay. I guess I'll just… 272 00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:40,866 Enjoy your lunch. 273 00:09:43,744 --> 00:09:44,745 Yeah. 274 00:09:54,755 --> 00:09:57,591 So you're saying that Lady Diamante doesn't realize 275 00:09:57,675 --> 00:10:00,302 that it's Pepperwood's underwear for years later, 276 00:10:00,386 --> 00:10:01,512 like, 20 years later? 277 00:10:01,595 --> 00:10:04,473 Maybe she never realizes. 278 00:10:04,557 --> 00:10:05,700 Yes. That's what I was gonna say, too. 279 00:10:05,724 --> 00:10:06,910 We… You and me, we're right here. 280 00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:08,644 All right. 281 00:10:08,727 --> 00:10:10,813 Wow. This is incredible. 282 00:10:10,896 --> 00:10:13,315 I mean, so many great ideas here. 283 00:10:13,399 --> 00:10:14,918 It feels like maybe The Pepperwood Chronicles 284 00:10:14,942 --> 00:10:16,443 could be, like, a whole series. 285 00:10:16,527 --> 00:10:19,113 Well, I mean, it's called The Pepperwood Chronicles, 286 00:10:19,196 --> 00:10:21,448 so I assumed there'd be more than one. 287 00:10:21,532 --> 00:10:22,801 Yeah, well, I can't thank you guys enough. 288 00:10:22,825 --> 00:10:24,285 All right, I'll see you at home. 289 00:10:24,368 --> 00:10:25,995 Home? You guys live together? 290 00:10:26,078 --> 00:10:27,163 Yeah, we're roommates. 291 00:10:28,998 --> 00:10:30,624 Yeah. This job doesn't pay very much, 292 00:10:30,708 --> 00:10:32,293 but it's very rewarding to hang out 293 00:10:32,376 --> 00:10:33,878 with cool people like you guys. 294 00:10:33,961 --> 00:10:35,462 You guys are actually, like, friends? 295 00:10:35,546 --> 00:10:36,690 You ready to get your mind really blown off? 296 00:10:36,714 --> 00:10:38,007 We used to date. 297 00:10:38,090 --> 00:10:39,300 Oh, yeah. 298 00:10:39,383 --> 00:10:41,468 Like, a whole thing. Oh, yeah, we were in love. 299 00:10:41,552 --> 00:10:43,304 Everything, yeah. For a while. 300 00:10:43,387 --> 00:10:44,447 All right, I'll see you at home. 301 00:10:44,471 --> 00:10:45,931 Yeah, it was crazy. See you, guys. 302 00:10:46,015 --> 00:10:48,726 Wow. You went from kind of "meh" to sort of cool 303 00:10:48,809 --> 00:10:50,853 to totally the coolest ever. 304 00:10:50,936 --> 00:10:52,479 I don't want to freak you out, 305 00:10:52,563 --> 00:10:54,440 but that really means a lot to me. 306 00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,066 All right, let's get to class. 307 00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,210 Let's get a picture with PJ. 308 00:10:57,234 --> 00:10:58,777 Uh, what? PJ? 309 00:10:59,987 --> 00:11:01,280 Yeah, Principal Jess. 310 00:11:03,115 --> 00:11:04,450 Much as I'd love 311 00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:05,868 to foster your creativity, 312 00:11:05,951 --> 00:11:07,953 I think maybe Principal Jess or Principal Day… 313 00:11:08,037 --> 00:11:09,413 Let's not even go to class. 314 00:11:11,749 --> 00:11:13,810 Let's go to the drama room and dress up like old men. 315 00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:14,960 PJ don't care. 316 00:11:15,044 --> 00:11:17,338 Oh, PJ do care. PJ do care. 317 00:11:17,421 --> 00:11:19,089 I mean, your principal does care. 318 00:11:19,173 --> 00:11:20,567 How about we write a report on Pepperwood? 319 00:11:20,591 --> 00:11:22,551 You're hilarious. 320 00:11:22,635 --> 00:11:23,987 Yeah. You know I'm serious about the report. 321 00:11:24,011 --> 00:11:25,471 Don't walk away from me. 322 00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:27,515 Okay. Well, walk away. Just turn to the left. 323 00:11:27,598 --> 00:11:29,826 Point me out to your friends. Laugh a, laugh a little bit. 324 00:11:29,850 --> 00:11:31,519 Okay. Yeah. Keep going. 325 00:11:31,602 --> 00:11:33,042 All right, I've totally lost control. 326 00:11:36,649 --> 00:11:38,108 Ugh! Damn it! 327 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,402 Nick, I have to get to school! 328 00:11:40,486 --> 00:11:41,529 I know. So do I. 329 00:11:41,612 --> 00:11:42,756 I can't wait to pitch those girls 330 00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:44,156 my Pepperwood prequel. 331 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,409 It opens with a very graphic description of his birth. 332 00:11:47,493 --> 00:11:48,994 It's like a dark Look Who's Talking. 333 00:11:49,078 --> 00:11:50,639 No, no, no, no, Nick. You're not coming back to school with me. 334 00:11:50,663 --> 00:11:52,331 You made me look way too cool. 335 00:11:52,414 --> 00:11:53,999 The girls told the whole school. 336 00:11:54,083 --> 00:11:55,501 I've lost all my authority. 337 00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:00,756 This is my office. 338 00:12:00,965 --> 00:12:02,424 I got invited to that, too. 339 00:12:02,508 --> 00:12:04,802 The girls asked me to deejay at their dance party. 340 00:12:04,885 --> 00:12:06,512 They call me DJ PJ. 341 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,198 They love you. Isn't that what you wanted? 342 00:12:08,222 --> 00:12:09,640 Ah, it's a tricky balance. 343 00:12:09,723 --> 00:12:11,660 I don't want to be the heavy, but I need them to listen. 344 00:12:11,684 --> 00:12:13,269 Those girls have such good ideas. 345 00:12:13,352 --> 00:12:14,830 I've got to put the genie back in the bottle. 346 00:12:14,854 --> 00:12:17,147 Ugh! See, this is what I mean. 347 00:12:17,231 --> 00:12:18,941 They added me to a text chain about who has 348 00:12:19,024 --> 00:12:20,526 - the cutest butt in school. - And? 349 00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:21,889 - It's Nurse Mike. - Interesting. 350 00:12:22,903 --> 00:12:25,072 You know what? If it's always gonna be empty, 351 00:12:25,155 --> 00:12:26,490 let's just fill it with goldfish. 352 00:12:26,574 --> 00:12:27,992 So dramatic. 353 00:12:34,081 --> 00:12:37,042 Jeremy texted me and he left an ice coffee in the fridge. 354 00:12:38,586 --> 00:12:40,296 It's like this guy's in my mind. 355 00:12:40,379 --> 00:12:43,632 It's also like he's in our kitchen when we're sleeping. 356 00:12:52,308 --> 00:12:53,309 Can I come help you pack? 357 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:54,999 Jeremy's done everything around here. 358 00:12:55,060 --> 00:12:57,479 Actually, I'm not packing, I'm just, uh, 359 00:12:57,563 --> 00:12:59,440 hanging out with Winston. 360 00:12:59,523 --> 00:13:01,442 I'm so bored, Cece, please. I'm desperate. 361 00:13:01,525 --> 00:13:03,128 Are you guys having one of those mess-downs? 362 00:13:03,152 --> 00:13:04,612 I could come be part of that. 363 00:13:04,695 --> 00:13:06,506 Sir, I believe the correct term is "mess-around." 364 00:13:06,530 --> 00:13:07,615 Okay. Jeremy, enough. 365 00:13:07,698 --> 00:13:09,325 Thank you very much. I appreciate it. 366 00:13:09,408 --> 00:13:10,701 That'll be all. Thank you. 367 00:13:10,784 --> 00:13:12,453 Thank you, thank you. 368 00:13:15,122 --> 00:13:16,999 - Did you say something? - Jer-Jeremy! 369 00:13:17,082 --> 00:13:19,084 Enough! Dear Lord. 370 00:13:19,543 --> 00:13:21,688 You know, I wanted an assistant that was gonna anticipate 371 00:13:21,712 --> 00:13:23,190 my every need so I wouldn't have to yell, 372 00:13:23,214 --> 00:13:24,774 but now I'm yelling, because I have an assistant 373 00:13:24,798 --> 00:13:27,218 that's anticipating my every need, and I can't breathe! 374 00:13:28,385 --> 00:13:29,845 Work isn't everything, man. 375 00:13:29,929 --> 00:13:33,224 Just… go meet yourself a girl. 376 00:13:33,307 --> 00:13:35,851 Or a, or a man. I don't know what you're into. 377 00:13:35,935 --> 00:13:37,287 You're very hard to read sexually. 378 00:13:37,311 --> 00:13:38,729 But please, Jeremy. That'll be all. 379 00:13:38,812 --> 00:13:40,397 - Thank you. - Sorry, sir. 380 00:13:41,941 --> 00:13:43,275 Furguson. 381 00:13:43,359 --> 00:13:44,485 Hey, boy. 382 00:13:44,568 --> 00:13:47,154 - Sweatshirt. Sweatshirt. Whee! - Furgie. 383 00:13:47,238 --> 00:13:48,548 - Ah, there we go. - There we go. Hey, yeah. 384 00:13:48,572 --> 00:13:51,033 Hey, remember all of the good times we had? 385 00:13:51,116 --> 00:13:52,660 - So many good times. - Huh? 386 00:13:52,743 --> 00:13:54,554 What about one of those times we wore the same shirt? 387 00:13:54,578 --> 00:13:55,871 Custom shirts. 388 00:13:55,955 --> 00:13:57,832 Dad of the year. 389 00:13:57,915 --> 00:13:59,434 - Dad of the year. - Come on, Sweatshirt. 390 00:13:59,458 --> 00:14:01,739 Hey, what about the time that we geeked out on mayonnaise? 391 00:14:02,086 --> 00:14:04,505 Or how 'bout when we drove to the airport and kissed, 392 00:14:04,588 --> 00:14:06,674 - watching the planes take off. - You did what? 393 00:14:06,757 --> 00:14:08,175 - Remember that? - She's moving. 394 00:14:08,259 --> 00:14:09,861 - She's moving closer. - No, no, no. If you're moving, 395 00:14:09,885 --> 00:14:11,279 then we get to come closer, too. Yeah. We're coming closer, too. 396 00:14:11,303 --> 00:14:12,304 Sweatshirt… 397 00:14:12,388 --> 00:14:14,682 Hey, boy. Furguson. 398 00:14:14,765 --> 00:14:16,100 - What? - I don't know. 399 00:14:16,183 --> 00:14:17,852 Someone has crab in their pocket. 400 00:14:17,935 --> 00:14:19,621 - Oh, my God, that's insane. - Yeah, time-out. 401 00:14:19,645 --> 00:14:20,646 That's totally crazy. 402 00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:22,731 - Oh. - Excuse… Okay… 403 00:14:22,815 --> 00:14:24,942 Okay, just… 404 00:14:25,025 --> 00:14:26,861 - Cheater! - Oh. 405 00:14:27,278 --> 00:14:31,490 Okay, well, that is from a salad I had earlier, 406 00:14:31,574 --> 00:14:33,784 and it must've just fallen into my pocket. 407 00:14:35,077 --> 00:14:36,287 Cece. 408 00:14:37,204 --> 00:14:38,747 I can't believe you did this. 409 00:14:39,456 --> 00:14:40,833 It's just… 410 00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,711 Okay. 411 00:14:44,170 --> 00:14:47,715 This is gonna be our last mess-around before I leave, 412 00:14:47,798 --> 00:14:49,758 and I just don't want Furguson to leave you, too. 413 00:14:49,842 --> 00:14:52,178 Just because you stop living together 414 00:14:52,803 --> 00:14:56,015 doesn't mean you stop caring about somebody. 415 00:14:56,599 --> 00:14:58,434 Because caring 416 00:14:58,517 --> 00:15:01,353 that is the real mess-around. Come on. 417 00:15:05,024 --> 00:15:06,904 - Winnie. Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie! - Hmm? 418 00:15:06,984 --> 00:15:08,569 Oh, my God. 419 00:15:08,652 --> 00:15:10,237 He chose. 420 00:15:10,321 --> 00:15:11,947 - Ha! - Yeah. 421 00:15:12,031 --> 00:15:13,782 - Ha-ha-ha, you see? - Ha-oh! 422 00:15:13,866 --> 00:15:15,743 - The crab claw didn't matter. - Mmm-mmm. 423 00:15:15,826 --> 00:15:16,952 Furgie chose. 424 00:15:17,036 --> 00:15:19,121 Outta sight! 425 00:15:19,205 --> 00:15:21,707 Come here, my man. Ah! 426 00:15:22,416 --> 00:15:23,542 Aw. 427 00:15:24,502 --> 00:15:26,754 Well, I suppose what's done is done. 428 00:15:26,837 --> 00:15:27,963 He's all yours. 429 00:15:28,047 --> 00:15:29,381 Good-bye, Sweat… 430 00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:32,134 Good-bye, Furguson. 431 00:15:43,187 --> 00:15:44,980 Do you guys think it's cool or weird if, uh, 432 00:15:45,064 --> 00:15:47,191 Pepperwood has a peg leg? Where we at on that? 433 00:15:47,274 --> 00:15:48,835 I'm afraid it might make him too vulnerable. 434 00:15:48,859 --> 00:15:50,712 I just don't see it that way. I think it makes… 435 00:15:50,736 --> 00:15:53,155 All right. No peg leg, I guess. 436 00:15:53,239 --> 00:15:54,519 Excuse me! There's an assembl… 437 00:15:55,324 --> 00:15:58,160 Nick, what the hell is going on here? 438 00:15:58,244 --> 00:16:00,037 Oh, PJ in the house! 439 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:03,666 - My office. Now. - Oh, PJ's gonna bust somebody. 440 00:16:03,749 --> 00:16:05,000 You're the most in trouble. 441 00:16:05,084 --> 00:16:06,460 But they started it! 442 00:16:06,794 --> 00:16:09,713 I didn't even do any… Gah! 443 00:16:11,966 --> 00:16:14,343 You had an unsupervised meeting with the students. 444 00:16:14,426 --> 00:16:15,946 You're wearing home slippers o n school grounds. 445 00:16:15,970 --> 00:16:17,388 Home slippers. 446 00:16:17,471 --> 00:16:20,432 You parked in Janitor Margie's parking spot. 447 00:16:20,516 --> 00:16:22,518 And, by the way, she pissed. 448 00:16:22,601 --> 00:16:24,854 - And she ain't small. - It's a dirt patch. 449 00:16:24,937 --> 00:16:27,731 And you ladies, you skipped an assembly for Pepperwood! 450 00:16:27,815 --> 00:16:29,108 What's the big deal, PJ? 451 00:16:29,191 --> 00:16:30,860 Yeah, you're kind of being a bitch. 452 00:16:35,948 --> 00:16:38,325 This is unacceptable. 453 00:16:38,409 --> 00:16:39,702 I don't want to be your enemy, 454 00:16:39,785 --> 00:16:41,704 but I also don't need to be your friend. 455 00:16:41,787 --> 00:16:42,973 So you guys don't get to write 456 00:16:42,997 --> 00:16:44,707 to your international pen pals for a month. 457 00:16:45,082 --> 00:16:47,501 You've all lost your community garden privileges. 458 00:16:47,877 --> 00:16:50,838 Two weeks' suspension from the freestyle poetry slam. 459 00:16:50,921 --> 00:16:53,090 And I'm calling all of your parents. 460 00:16:53,174 --> 00:16:55,885 Spread the word! Principal Day is done messing around. 461 00:16:55,968 --> 00:16:56,969 Now get out. 462 00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:05,394 Oh, my God, they work fast. 463 00:17:05,603 --> 00:17:07,271 When did they even take this picture? 464 00:17:07,354 --> 00:17:08,814 Well, apart from the devil horns, 465 00:17:08,898 --> 00:17:10,498 it's a pretty good picture of you, Jess. 466 00:17:11,984 --> 00:17:13,068 That's true. 467 00:17:14,653 --> 00:17:15,893 I'm sorry that I yelled at you. 468 00:17:15,946 --> 00:17:17,114 The truth is 469 00:17:17,198 --> 00:17:19,867 is you are exactly who I was when I was your age. 470 00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:23,871 I was hungry. I was putting in 22 hours a day. 471 00:17:23,954 --> 00:17:26,582 Once worked four days straight without water. 472 00:17:26,665 --> 00:17:27,917 Wow. 473 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,294 And I just wish that somebody had taken me aside 474 00:17:30,377 --> 00:17:32,630 and told me that there was another way. 475 00:17:34,632 --> 00:17:35,716 Would you have listened? 476 00:17:37,176 --> 00:17:39,136 - Probably not. - Then I won't either. 477 00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:41,555 In fact, you're not even talking to Jeremy right now. 478 00:17:41,639 --> 00:17:43,098 Okay, well, then who am I talking to? 479 00:17:43,182 --> 00:17:45,059 The younger you, telling you to take advantage 480 00:17:45,142 --> 00:17:46,477 of your new super cool assistant 481 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,354 so you can get to the next floor, 482 00:17:48,437 --> 00:17:51,065 and the next floor, and the next floor, and the next floor, 483 00:17:51,148 --> 00:17:53,901 - and the next floor and now we're on top! - And now we're on top! 484 00:17:53,984 --> 00:17:55,569 I'm liking this side of you, Jeremy. 485 00:17:55,653 --> 00:17:57,571 Yeah, let's stay hungry. I'm gonna go in there, 486 00:17:57,655 --> 00:17:59,341 I'm gonna work on the McCormick presentation. 487 00:17:59,365 --> 00:18:01,784 Now I actually am hungry. Let's order some food. 488 00:18:01,867 --> 00:18:03,285 Already done, sir. 489 00:18:03,869 --> 00:18:05,079 Arigato. 490 00:18:06,831 --> 00:18:08,499 - Take it down a notch. - Yeah. 491 00:18:12,419 --> 00:18:14,231 If you're here to complain about your punishment, 492 00:18:14,255 --> 00:18:16,799 save your breath. My decision's final. 493 00:18:16,882 --> 00:18:18,968 Actually, we were just wondering if we could sit down 494 00:18:19,051 --> 00:18:21,345 - with you for a second. - Sure. 495 00:18:21,428 --> 00:18:24,139 We're sorry about being so disrespectful, Principal Day. 496 00:18:24,473 --> 00:18:26,225 Well, I appreciate that. 497 00:18:28,310 --> 00:18:29,937 If anyone wants a muffin, I… 498 00:18:30,020 --> 00:18:31,438 I have an extra one. 499 00:18:33,315 --> 00:18:34,400 Here. 500 00:18:34,483 --> 00:18:36,193 We got you a gift card to a coffee shop. 501 00:18:36,277 --> 00:18:38,320 It's really close to your route to school. 502 00:18:38,404 --> 00:18:40,865 Well, that's not necessary. Thank you. That's… 503 00:18:40,948 --> 00:18:42,658 We know you have a lot of roommates, 504 00:18:42,741 --> 00:18:45,953 and some of them are brilliant authors working from home, 505 00:18:46,036 --> 00:18:47,580 creating great chronicles. 506 00:18:48,038 --> 00:18:50,124 But they can make their own coffee. 507 00:18:50,207 --> 00:18:52,710 Well, that feels… oddly on the nose. 508 00:18:52,793 --> 00:18:54,503 We have the upmost respect for you. 509 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,047 Sorry, did you just say 510 00:18:58,132 --> 00:18:59,550 "upmost"? 511 00:19:01,051 --> 00:19:02,720 - Oh, that is good. - Nick! 512 00:19:03,554 --> 00:19:06,807 I can't condone you making contact with my students. 513 00:19:06,891 --> 00:19:08,309 - What? - That said 514 00:19:09,435 --> 00:19:10,978 thanks for putting them up to it. 515 00:19:11,061 --> 00:19:12,980 Jess, I don't know what you're talking about. 516 00:19:13,063 --> 00:19:14,356 "Upmost"? 517 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,293 There's only one person I know that says "upmost." 518 00:19:16,317 --> 00:19:17,401 It's "utmost." 519 00:19:17,484 --> 00:19:18,861 - "Utmost"? - "Utmost." 520 00:19:18,944 --> 00:19:20,487 Agree to disagree. 521 00:19:20,571 --> 00:19:22,031 But the good news is 522 00:19:22,114 --> 00:19:24,992 my writer's block is gone, and that is thanks to you. 523 00:19:25,409 --> 00:19:27,995 You always come through for me, Jess, to the upmost. 524 00:19:28,078 --> 00:19:29,705 I assure you, it's "utmost." 525 00:19:29,788 --> 00:19:31,624 - What's an "ut"? - Come on, you're a writer. 526 00:19:31,707 --> 00:19:34,043 It's "up." Up to the most. 527 00:19:34,126 --> 00:19:35,753 Not ut to the most. 528 00:19:36,253 --> 00:19:37,713 I assure you. 529 00:19:37,796 --> 00:19:39,441 - Okay, sweetie. - You didn't come in here and say, 530 00:19:39,465 --> 00:19:41,842 "Thanks for putting them ut to it." 531 00:19:42,176 --> 00:19:43,719 I would've laughed you out of here. 532 00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:45,554 What is an "ut"? 533 00:19:45,804 --> 00:19:47,097 Furguson is miserable. 534 00:19:47,848 --> 00:19:49,391 So you're saying that this is 535 00:19:49,475 --> 00:19:52,686 a different emotion than we've seen for the past three years? 536 00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:55,064 A father knows. He misses Gil. 537 00:19:55,356 --> 00:19:57,375 It'd be wrong for me to take away a piece of his heart. 538 00:19:57,399 --> 00:19:59,527 I mean, I already took away his testicles. 539 00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:00,736 Anyway, 540 00:20:00,819 --> 00:20:02,696 let me just… 541 00:20:05,574 --> 00:20:07,117 Proud of you. 542 00:20:11,121 --> 00:20:13,123 You won't need the key I gave you. 543 00:20:13,207 --> 00:20:15,417 And the door always gonna be open. 544 00:20:30,474 --> 00:20:32,852 You're not gonna, like, leave the door open always, right? 545 00:20:34,228 --> 00:20:36,021 He'll be back. 546 00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:39,942 - What the hell? - Jeremy. 547 00:20:40,025 --> 00:20:42,069 Oh, my God, he came back. Come on. 548 00:20:42,152 --> 00:20:43,630 What the hell is this man doing in our house? 549 00:20:43,654 --> 00:20:44,965 Let me introduce myself. My name is Jeremy. 550 00:20:44,989 --> 00:20:46,156 I'm the executive assistant 551 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,325 to your husband and my boss, Mr. Schmidt. 552 00:20:48,409 --> 00:20:49,743 Oh, are you the one who called 553 00:20:49,827 --> 00:20:51,847 - and asked me about my blood type? - He's very thorough. 554 00:20:51,871 --> 00:20:53,557 Actually, he's going to need everyone's blood type. 555 00:20:53,581 --> 00:20:55,225 - You're not getting my blood. - That's super weird. 556 00:20:55,249 --> 00:20:56,250 - Yeah. - Oh, hell no. 557 00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:58,169 I do have individual coffee orders. 558 00:20:58,252 --> 00:21:00,588 You can tell which one's which based off the caricatures 559 00:21:00,671 --> 00:21:02,548 - I drew on the cups. - That's you. 560 00:21:02,631 --> 00:21:05,593 This is shockingly accurate. And you've never met us. 561 00:21:05,676 --> 00:21:07,386 - Nailed it. - I mean, how did you do that? 562 00:21:07,469 --> 00:21:09,180 - Very creepy. - That's pretty good. 563 00:21:11,015 --> 00:21:13,142 Is he ever gonna leave? I don't think so.