1 00:00:02,674 --> 00:00:05,552 So I really want to ask what's in the box, but, uh, 2 00:00:05,844 --> 00:00:07,763 it'll ignite a whole "Seven" thing. 3 00:00:07,846 --> 00:00:10,182 "What's in the box? What's in the box?" 4 00:00:10,265 --> 00:00:12,225 "Repeat, John Doe has the upper hand." 5 00:00:12,309 --> 00:00:15,646 I have got to see this movie. You guys make it sound so hilarious. 6 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:18,231 Anyway, my former boss, Principal Foster, 7 00:00:18,315 --> 00:00:20,817 survived a real dicey safari in Africa. 8 00:00:20,984 --> 00:00:24,321 His takeaway was that material possessions mean nothing. 9 00:00:24,404 --> 00:00:28,533 Including his collection of super fancy, old-ass wine. 10 00:00:28,867 --> 00:00:30,494 The lions came at night. 11 00:00:31,745 --> 00:00:33,288 That put everything in perspective. 12 00:00:34,206 --> 00:00:35,707 Everything, dawg. 13 00:00:36,416 --> 00:00:37,834 Ooh. 14 00:00:37,918 --> 00:00:40,045 Jess, thank you. This is perfect. 15 00:00:40,587 --> 00:00:42,756 Cece and I are completely moved into Jaipur Aviv. 16 00:00:42,839 --> 00:00:44,442 So tonight, we'll be doing it for the first time 17 00:00:44,466 --> 00:00:46,718 on our first night in our first house. 18 00:00:46,802 --> 00:00:48,512 And I'm going to Aly's tonight. Yeah. 19 00:00:48,595 --> 00:00:52,099 Gonna be doing it for the 10,000th time on our 1,000th night 20 00:00:52,641 --> 00:00:54,851 in her 100th apartment? 21 00:00:54,935 --> 00:00:56,287 You think Aly's lived in 100 apartments? 22 00:00:56,311 --> 00:00:58,397 I hadn't… I hadn't crunched the numbers on it. 23 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,192 So, Reagan's out of town till tomorrow. What are you and Nick gonna do tonight? 24 00:01:02,275 --> 00:01:04,528 What makes you assume I'm hanging out with Nick? 25 00:01:04,611 --> 00:01:06,613 I'm sorry. What are you doing tonight? 26 00:01:06,697 --> 00:01:07,948 Picking out clothes for Nick. 27 00:01:08,031 --> 00:01:10,867 - What? I can't hear you. - I'm helping Nick pick out an outfit. 28 00:01:10,951 --> 00:01:14,413 I… We have to nail down his look for SOCALYALCON 6. 29 00:01:14,496 --> 00:01:16,415 Wow, SOCALYALCON 6. Wow. 30 00:01:16,498 --> 00:01:18,559 I can't believe it's been a whole year since the last. 31 00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:21,086 Southern California Young Adult Literature Conference. 32 00:01:21,169 --> 00:01:22,421 You're a 12-year-old girl. 33 00:01:22,504 --> 00:01:24,881 You spent $35 to meet me. 34 00:01:24,965 --> 00:01:26,675 Is this what you want me to look like? 35 00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:31,388 I got two questions: Uh, where'd I get $35 from, 36 00:01:31,471 --> 00:01:33,390 and also, can my name be Daphne? 37 00:01:39,604 --> 00:01:41,124 And I read that authors should all have a strong look, 38 00:01:41,148 --> 00:01:44,234 so I found four authors with strong looks, and I combined them. 39 00:01:44,318 --> 00:01:45,944 Tom Wolfe: White suit. 40 00:01:46,028 --> 00:01:47,946 Hunter S. Yellow sunglasses. 41 00:01:48,030 --> 00:01:49,990 David Foster Wallace: Bandana. 42 00:01:50,073 --> 00:01:53,201 Toni Morrison: The Presidential Medal of Freedom. 43 00:01:53,285 --> 00:01:55,996 - Here you go. - Well, that's perfect, Jess. 44 00:01:56,079 --> 00:01:57,080 Well, it was easy. 45 00:01:57,164 --> 00:01:59,044 You have very few clothing items in your closet. 46 00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:02,627 Also, are those your tax returns? And why are you drying beef? 47 00:02:02,711 --> 00:02:04,171 Because I don't have a file cabinet, 48 00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:06,673 and because I couldn't eat all the meat in one night. 49 00:02:06,757 --> 00:02:08,091 - Now… - That's gross. 50 00:02:08,508 --> 00:02:10,677 - How do I look? - What you need is a navy blazer. 51 00:02:10,761 --> 00:02:12,929 Do you have a navy blazer or just the pit boss special? 52 00:02:13,597 --> 00:02:16,850 What kind of a man owns multiple blazers? 53 00:02:18,894 --> 00:02:20,854 Ha! There's so many places for sex! 54 00:02:22,856 --> 00:02:25,609 All right. That makes it official. 55 00:02:25,692 --> 00:02:27,611 Houses are way better than apartments. 56 00:02:27,694 --> 00:02:29,988 Now that we're out of closets, watch out laundry room. 57 00:02:31,782 --> 00:02:33,200 - Know what that sound is? - Hmm? 58 00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:34,993 That is the absence of Nick. 59 00:02:35,994 --> 00:02:37,287 The lack of Winston. 60 00:02:37,371 --> 00:02:39,498 What was that? 61 00:02:39,581 --> 00:02:40,683 Someone's hitting at our house. 62 00:02:40,707 --> 00:02:42,542 It sounded like, like, a… Like, knocking. 63 00:02:42,626 --> 00:02:43,853 Yeah, but the… The door is that way. 64 00:02:43,877 --> 00:02:46,338 Oh, my God, I totally forgot. We have a back door. 65 00:02:46,755 --> 00:02:48,715 Houses have a back door. 66 00:02:51,426 --> 00:02:53,136 What kind of person comes to a back door? 67 00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:54,572 - Jeremy. - On behalf of the neighborhood, 68 00:02:54,596 --> 00:02:57,641 may I be the first to say, welcome, sir. 69 00:02:57,724 --> 00:02:59,768 "A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy." 70 00:03:00,477 --> 00:03:02,997 - I didn't know you lived nearby. - I don't. But I will someday. 71 00:03:03,188 --> 00:03:05,068 Just as I will do everything that you have done. 72 00:03:05,232 --> 00:03:07,651 Mmm. That's the tone that we talked about, Jeremy. 73 00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:08,735 No, thank you. 74 00:03:09,444 --> 00:03:11,154 I can't wait to have a servants' entrance. 75 00:03:11,238 --> 00:03:13,958 - Let's not call it that. - Two points of entry. Very well done, sir. 76 00:03:14,908 --> 00:03:18,203 Cece, I just thought of another reason why houses are better than apartments. 77 00:03:18,286 --> 00:03:20,497 Now we can enjoy two points of entry! 78 00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:21,790 No, thanks! 79 00:03:21,873 --> 00:03:24,209 I'm talking about the doors. I… I didn't mean… 80 00:03:24,292 --> 00:03:28,046 So a lion scares Jess's old boss in Nigeria, 81 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:31,925 and we get so drunk we have sex on a dresser in America. 82 00:03:34,177 --> 00:03:35,178 What a world. 83 00:03:35,262 --> 00:03:37,180 It's all connected, baby. 84 00:03:37,723 --> 00:03:40,183 And the broken dresser, that's my fault. 85 00:03:40,809 --> 00:03:42,728 I'm all haunch. I'll buy you a new one. 86 00:03:42,811 --> 00:03:46,064 You don't have to. Because guess who has two dressers. 87 00:03:46,148 --> 00:03:47,858 - Rip Torn. - No. Me. 88 00:03:47,941 --> 00:03:50,360 - I mean, you and Rip Torn. - Stop talking about Rip Torn. 89 00:03:50,444 --> 00:03:51,844 - You have a backup dresser? - Yeah. 90 00:03:51,903 --> 00:03:54,531 Just when I thought you couldn't get any more perfect. 91 00:03:54,614 --> 00:03:55,741 It's in my… 92 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,744 Ugh, my storage unit. 93 00:03:59,578 --> 00:04:00,871 I… I'll get it tomorrow. 94 00:04:00,954 --> 00:04:02,140 A dresser's pretty big. I could help you. 95 00:04:02,164 --> 00:04:03,599 That's okay. I'll just get it tomorrow. 96 00:04:03,623 --> 00:04:05,383 - I mean, my day is wide open… - I said no! 97 00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:08,045 Okay. 98 00:04:08,587 --> 00:04:11,214 "A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy" 99 00:04:11,298 --> 00:04:12,382 is very comprehensive. 100 00:04:12,466 --> 00:04:14,426 Yes, the fact that we're in between a raisin house 101 00:04:14,509 --> 00:04:17,554 and a toothbrush house makes me feel very confident about Halloween. 102 00:04:18,472 --> 00:04:20,724 Crime statistics? We have crime? 103 00:04:21,099 --> 00:04:23,602 Crime that warrants statistics? 104 00:04:23,685 --> 00:04:26,229 Oh, my God. It says there were 14 home invasions last year. 105 00:04:26,313 --> 00:04:29,566 - Up 6% from 2015? - Okay, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. 106 00:04:29,650 --> 00:04:31,902 We're just gonna get worked up about nothing. 107 00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:34,213 Right? There are only two ways into this place, 108 00:04:34,237 --> 00:04:35,715 the front door and the back door and we've locked them both. 109 00:04:35,739 --> 00:04:36,966 - We're good, we're good. - We're good. 110 00:04:36,990 --> 00:04:38,051 - Yeah, we're good. - Yeah, no. It's fine. 111 00:04:38,075 --> 00:04:39,135 - Yeah. We're fine. - I just… 112 00:04:39,159 --> 00:04:40,744 - Yeah. Okay. - Okay. 113 00:04:43,246 --> 00:04:46,291 At the risk of sounding cliché, should we have sex in the bedroom? 114 00:04:46,833 --> 00:04:47,953 I think that's a great idea. 115 00:04:49,586 --> 00:04:52,255 The hell was that? Are you the criminals? 116 00:04:52,547 --> 00:04:53,924 From the statistics? 117 00:04:55,592 --> 00:04:57,636 - Oh, what are you doing? - Oh! 118 00:04:57,719 --> 00:04:59,238 I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp. 119 00:04:59,262 --> 00:05:00,722 - Really? - I am sorry we broke in, 120 00:05:00,806 --> 00:05:02,200 but I'm also pretty impressed with us. 121 00:05:02,224 --> 00:05:04,017 What kind of taco meat you bitches have? 122 00:05:05,602 --> 00:05:07,437 I told you, if we locked both the doors, 123 00:05:07,521 --> 00:05:10,273 our guests would know to come in through the windows. 124 00:05:10,857 --> 00:05:13,276 Our ground floor windows. 125 00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:17,030 You see? What started out as snark has become a real eye-opener. 126 00:05:17,114 --> 00:05:19,509 What did you want us to do? Ring the bell and wake you guys up? 127 00:05:19,533 --> 00:05:21,010 Oh, no. Thank God you didn't wake us up. 128 00:05:21,034 --> 00:05:23,453 See? I told you they'd be cool. Ask him. 129 00:05:23,537 --> 00:05:26,164 You were right. Schmidt, here's my question. 130 00:05:27,332 --> 00:05:28,375 Apologies. 131 00:05:29,042 --> 00:05:31,003 My author look is missing one thing… 132 00:05:31,086 --> 00:05:35,132 Navy blue, medium weight, two button. I know the blazer. Nick, listen to me. 133 00:05:35,215 --> 00:05:39,094 If you ever, ever need a blazer, I don't care how late it is, 134 00:05:40,053 --> 00:05:41,893 - till the day I die, you wake me up. - Thanks. 135 00:05:43,015 --> 00:05:45,309 Okay. We're gonna have a conversation. 136 00:05:45,559 --> 00:05:46,643 I am a little concerned. 137 00:05:46,727 --> 00:05:48,287 I know. What if the blazer doesn't fit? 138 00:05:48,312 --> 00:05:50,188 No. About you and Nick. 139 00:05:51,148 --> 00:05:52,709 And about how you're being his girlfriend. 140 00:05:52,733 --> 00:05:55,253 - You mean being his good friend. - I mean being his girlfriend. 141 00:05:55,277 --> 00:05:58,530 A good friend will maybe drive someone to the mall in the daytime 142 00:05:58,613 --> 00:06:00,824 so that they can buy a blazer. 143 00:06:01,241 --> 00:06:05,746 They don't go on a giggly late night crime date so that they can steal one. 144 00:06:05,829 --> 00:06:07,039 That's girlfriend stuff. 145 00:06:07,789 --> 00:06:10,834 You've been doing a lot of girlfriend stuff lately. 146 00:06:11,335 --> 00:06:14,004 "Godfather of Soul, blank Brown." Five letters. 147 00:06:14,087 --> 00:06:15,672 - Bubba. - Okay. 148 00:06:15,756 --> 00:06:17,507 Wait, you want to know who wins in a fight 149 00:06:17,591 --> 00:06:19,843 between Winston Bishop and Winston Churchill? 150 00:06:20,927 --> 00:06:22,679 Hey, do you know what this book's about? 151 00:06:23,305 --> 00:06:27,684 Bayou noir. Uh, Pepperwood, he's a private investigator… 152 00:06:27,768 --> 00:06:31,146 It's about a man who has nothing, who risks everything, to feel something. 153 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:32,606 Thank you. 154 00:06:33,815 --> 00:06:36,255 None of that's girlfriend stuff. That's all good friend stuff. 155 00:06:36,318 --> 00:06:39,029 Okay, let me, uh, toss out a hypothetical to you, okay? 156 00:06:39,112 --> 00:06:43,408 Nick has a piece of lint on his sleeve. 157 00:06:43,492 --> 00:06:46,078 Do you go, "Hey, bud, you got some lint on your sleeve"? 158 00:06:46,870 --> 00:06:49,081 Or do you pick it off? 159 00:06:49,164 --> 00:06:51,375 - I don't see how that's relevant. - Yes, you do. 160 00:06:51,458 --> 00:06:53,627 Because you are a rabid watcher of "The Crown." 161 00:06:53,710 --> 00:06:54,795 I watch a lot of shows. 162 00:06:54,878 --> 00:06:57,214 And so therefore, you know that picking lint 163 00:06:57,297 --> 00:07:01,510 off of a man's sleeve is the most intimate gesture. 164 00:07:01,593 --> 00:07:04,930 - I just leave it there. - A little piece of lint on his sleeve. 165 00:07:05,013 --> 00:07:07,557 - I wouldn't do anything. - What would you just want to… 166 00:07:07,641 --> 00:07:09,977 Fine! I'd want to pick it off with my bare hands! 167 00:07:12,187 --> 00:07:13,438 Oh, my God. 168 00:07:14,648 --> 00:07:15,899 I'm the girlfriend. 169 00:07:20,153 --> 00:07:22,572 I'm so nervous for SOCALYALCON 6 that I lost my appetite. 170 00:07:23,031 --> 00:07:24,866 But then I found my appetite, but now… 171 00:07:24,950 --> 00:07:26,910 Now that I found my appetite, nothing sounds good. 172 00:07:26,994 --> 00:07:28,930 Mmm, sounds like you're in a complicated way, my man. 173 00:07:28,954 --> 00:07:30,431 You know what actually does sound good? 174 00:07:30,455 --> 00:07:32,850 The cake you made on the Fourth of July. Would you make it again? 175 00:07:32,874 --> 00:07:35,460 You want me to make a, uh, an American flag sheet cake 176 00:07:35,544 --> 00:07:36,795 - in March? - Yes. 177 00:07:36,878 --> 00:07:39,172 It'll be fun. We'll do it together. You get to wear this. 178 00:07:39,256 --> 00:07:42,426 Okay. My favorite apron. You know what, no! 179 00:07:42,509 --> 00:07:44,636 No, I'm not doing this anymore. 180 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,139 Anymore? We've never made a cake together. 181 00:07:47,514 --> 00:07:48,557 Wait, have we? 182 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,225 If we have, I don't remember. I drink. 183 00:07:50,309 --> 00:07:56,189 No, not… No, not just this. All of it. All the girlfriend stuff. It's not fair. 184 00:07:59,818 --> 00:08:02,029 All right. Sorry. I… I didn't know you felt that way. 185 00:08:02,112 --> 00:08:04,740 No. I don't feel that way, I… 186 00:08:04,823 --> 00:08:08,035 - But you said unfair. - Yeah, I did. I said that 'cause I… 187 00:08:08,785 --> 00:08:11,955 If… I feel it is unfair. To Reagan. 188 00:08:12,789 --> 00:08:14,875 She's your girlfriend, I'm your good friend. 189 00:08:14,958 --> 00:08:16,376 She, you know, she should… 190 00:08:17,461 --> 00:08:20,422 - She should get to make you sheet cake. - Yeah, that makes sense. 191 00:08:20,797 --> 00:08:23,091 I just need to make something clear between us. 192 00:08:23,342 --> 00:08:24,509 If that's okay. 193 00:08:25,510 --> 00:08:28,430 You're saying "sheet" like "ghost clothes," 194 00:08:28,513 --> 00:08:29,931 not like "in a toilet," right? 195 00:08:34,227 --> 00:08:35,395 Whoa. 196 00:08:36,521 --> 00:08:40,233 I taught English in Japan for a couple years after college and… 197 00:08:41,193 --> 00:08:44,488 I fell in with a bad crowd. It was a time in my life I'm not proud of. 198 00:08:44,905 --> 00:08:46,281 I fell in with… 199 00:08:47,991 --> 00:08:49,660 With a Japanese game show crowd. 200 00:08:51,745 --> 00:08:52,746 Which one? 201 00:08:52,829 --> 00:08:55,666 This one? This one or this one? 202 00:08:55,749 --> 00:08:56,917 I don't understand you! 203 00:08:58,085 --> 00:08:59,127 Okay. 204 00:09:03,173 --> 00:09:04,841 Oh, my God, I did it! 205 00:09:05,217 --> 00:09:08,428 I did it! I did it! 206 00:09:08,512 --> 00:09:10,764 I did it! 207 00:09:11,098 --> 00:09:15,852 I was a ten-time top master champion on "Protocol of Best Enjoyment." 208 00:09:16,770 --> 00:09:17,813 These are the spoils. 209 00:09:17,896 --> 00:09:20,524 Is that hippo rideable? 210 00:09:24,444 --> 00:09:26,321 Those day laborers were right. 211 00:09:26,405 --> 00:09:27,948 This stuff is awesome. 212 00:09:28,365 --> 00:09:30,158 Why was I so embarrassed for you to see it? 213 00:09:30,242 --> 00:09:33,286 If this is your deep, dark, embarrassing secret, 214 00:09:33,370 --> 00:09:36,289 then I am worried for you to see what's buried in my storage unit. 215 00:09:36,373 --> 00:09:38,875 I feel like I'm pretty up-to-date on your embarrassing secrets. 216 00:09:38,959 --> 00:09:40,377 Oh, honey. 217 00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:42,546 I have chapters in my life you know nothing about. 218 00:09:42,629 --> 00:09:44,256 - Wait, really? - Here we go. 219 00:09:46,174 --> 00:09:48,802 I once sold knives door-to-door in high school. 220 00:09:48,885 --> 00:09:52,306 And… Byron Allen knocked me out. 221 00:09:52,389 --> 00:09:54,829 Yeah, that was, like, the first thing you told me when we met. 222 00:09:54,933 --> 00:09:56,435 Oh, yeah. 223 00:09:56,518 --> 00:09:58,603 I do use that as an icebreaker, I forgot. 224 00:09:59,730 --> 00:10:02,441 Well, here's one from deep in the storage unit. 225 00:10:02,524 --> 00:10:05,902 Way in the back. I once got my foot stuck in a go-kart. 226 00:10:06,737 --> 00:10:09,573 - And I had to… - Hop six laps alongside of it. 227 00:10:09,656 --> 00:10:11,867 I've been kicked out of multiple focus groups for… 228 00:10:12,326 --> 00:10:13,327 For crying too much. 229 00:10:13,410 --> 00:10:14,637 That happened yesterday, and I was with you. 230 00:10:14,661 --> 00:10:16,079 I fell asleep in study hall. 231 00:10:16,163 --> 00:10:18,415 Had a very loud sex dream. 232 00:10:18,498 --> 00:10:20,959 That happened to my family member, 233 00:10:21,043 --> 00:10:23,086 and I relayed the story to you. 234 00:10:23,170 --> 00:10:24,810 - I fell asleep in a bathtub. - Knew that. 235 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,049 And I once dislocated my thumb getting off a couch. 236 00:10:27,132 --> 00:10:28,192 Okay, you got five more minutes on that hippo, 237 00:10:28,216 --> 00:10:29,468 and then we switch. 238 00:10:32,596 --> 00:10:34,348 What was wrong with me? 239 00:10:34,890 --> 00:10:37,309 Well… nothing in this picture. 240 00:10:37,392 --> 00:10:38,935 Hello, gorgeous. 241 00:10:39,394 --> 00:10:41,188 Crop and keep. 242 00:10:42,856 --> 00:10:45,150 Reagan! Hi. 243 00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:48,320 How do you get off a plane and still look dewy as hell? 244 00:10:48,403 --> 00:10:50,155 Uh, I made a deal with the devil 245 00:10:50,238 --> 00:10:51,782 some time ago. 246 00:10:52,282 --> 00:10:53,926 - Hey, I'm the blue words. - Too late. We're going with it. 247 00:10:53,950 --> 00:10:54,993 I picked you out… 248 00:10:55,911 --> 00:10:57,663 Well, welcome back! Sorry. 249 00:10:57,746 --> 00:11:00,123 I don't know why I'm still shouting. 250 00:11:00,207 --> 00:11:03,168 Um, so Nick told me about what's been going on with you two. 251 00:11:03,251 --> 00:11:05,671 Oh, he did? Listen, Reagan… 252 00:11:05,754 --> 00:11:07,047 No, you listen to me. 253 00:11:07,255 --> 00:11:11,677 The next time I find out that my man has been coming to you for cake… 254 00:11:12,844 --> 00:11:13,971 I'm gonna take you out. 255 00:11:14,888 --> 00:11:16,014 To dinner. 256 00:11:16,098 --> 00:11:17,516 To say thank you. 257 00:11:17,599 --> 00:11:19,142 Because I hate baking. 258 00:11:20,936 --> 00:11:23,256 Speaking of dinner, why wait? Why don't we do that tonight? 259 00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:25,357 About Nick, um… 260 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,043 Jess, you don't have to change your relationship 261 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,276 with Nick because of me. 262 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:29,611 I'm not a jealous person. 263 00:11:30,612 --> 00:11:32,739 But thank you for thinking of me. That's very nice. 264 00:11:32,823 --> 00:11:34,408 You're a really good friend. 265 00:11:34,741 --> 00:11:35,826 And that is why… 266 00:11:36,535 --> 00:11:37,828 I got you this gift. 267 00:11:37,911 --> 00:11:39,496 Oh, expensive jewelry. 268 00:11:40,956 --> 00:11:45,335 Classic friend gift. Thank you, friend. But I don't have anything for you. 269 00:11:46,461 --> 00:11:49,923 Except this nice wink. And here it comes. And bam. 270 00:11:51,591 --> 00:11:52,676 Oh, you're really tense. 271 00:11:52,759 --> 00:11:54,039 Yeah, you don't have to do that. 272 00:11:54,094 --> 00:11:56,013 My… My tension's what drives me. 273 00:11:56,096 --> 00:11:57,597 - Oh, no, I want to. - Mmm-hmm. 274 00:11:58,015 --> 00:11:59,242 I don't have a lot of friends that are girls. 275 00:11:59,266 --> 00:12:00,892 - Mmm. - Oh, my God, 276 00:12:00,976 --> 00:12:02,519 I think you're my first girlfriend. 277 00:12:04,688 --> 00:12:08,025 I'm sure you're missing someone, like, from high school or college. 278 00:12:08,108 --> 00:12:09,526 Somebody? A cousin? 279 00:12:09,609 --> 00:12:11,445 That much is true… 280 00:12:12,112 --> 00:12:13,947 All 22 points of entry locked. 281 00:12:14,531 --> 00:12:15,811 - Good night, babe. - Good night. 282 00:12:16,283 --> 00:12:17,743 - Mmm. - Exhausted. 283 00:12:17,826 --> 00:12:20,495 - I know. I feel so safe. - So, here's the thing. 284 00:12:20,579 --> 00:12:22,205 Devil woman! 285 00:12:22,289 --> 00:12:23,290 How are you doing that? 286 00:12:23,373 --> 00:12:25,167 I just had a four-hour dinner with Reagan. 287 00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:28,211 At which, we shared something called "The Lovers' Pork." 288 00:12:28,295 --> 00:12:31,673 Cece, it's getting worse. I'm both their girlfriends. 289 00:12:35,010 --> 00:12:36,738 - How did you get in here, Jess? - Through the doggy door. 290 00:12:36,762 --> 00:12:38,906 - There's a doggy door? - Well, it's flush with the people door, 291 00:12:38,930 --> 00:12:41,475 and it's painted shut, so I really had to put my head into it. 292 00:12:41,892 --> 00:12:43,732 God, I don't want to be both their girlfriends. 293 00:12:44,061 --> 00:12:46,647 Why do they both need me so much all of a sudden? 294 00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:48,148 All of a sudden? 295 00:12:48,231 --> 00:12:49,792 This is why you should tell Nick how you feel. 296 00:12:49,816 --> 00:12:51,151 Even if nothing comes of it. 297 00:12:51,234 --> 00:12:52,736 She came here to see you. 298 00:12:52,819 --> 00:12:54,988 I bet you're reading into it. What if I go talk to her? 299 00:12:55,072 --> 00:12:56,657 So I fly you down, 300 00:12:56,740 --> 00:12:58,325 - you are my gift to Nick. - I'm in. 301 00:12:58,408 --> 00:13:01,286 Have you talked to Reagan about this? I bet she'd be awesome to talk to. 302 00:13:01,370 --> 00:13:03,264 Just tell him you believe in him and that he can do it. 303 00:13:03,288 --> 00:13:04,456 Just go talk to Reagan. 304 00:13:04,539 --> 00:13:05,540 So, work it out. 305 00:13:05,624 --> 00:13:06,976 You know who you should talk to about this, 306 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,936 because he could answer all your questions, is Nick. 307 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,212 - No. No. - Nick! 308 00:13:10,295 --> 00:13:12,339 Oh, my God. 309 00:13:12,714 --> 00:13:15,217 It's not all of a sudden. They've needed me all along. 310 00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:16,385 Yeah. 311 00:13:16,468 --> 00:13:17,904 Am I the only reason they're together? 312 00:13:17,928 --> 00:13:19,054 Yeah. 313 00:13:19,137 --> 00:13:20,847 Am I the architect of my own nightmare? 314 00:13:20,931 --> 00:13:22,057 Okay, no, no, no, no. 315 00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:23,451 Honey, it's not like you introduced them or something. 316 00:13:23,475 --> 00:13:26,228 Well, they did just get together because she left for jury duty. 317 00:13:26,311 --> 00:13:29,564 I've pushed those two together like a god on Mount Olympus, 318 00:13:29,648 --> 00:13:31,066 too cheap to pay for porn. 319 00:13:31,149 --> 00:13:33,902 No, no, no, it's like their relationship is a flood 320 00:13:33,986 --> 00:13:36,113 that's about to happen and you're the little Dutch boy 321 00:13:36,196 --> 00:13:37,447 with your thumb in the dike. 322 00:13:37,864 --> 00:13:41,451 Well, no more. I'm taking my thumb out of them. 323 00:13:42,744 --> 00:13:45,747 Is there anything other than Dutch boys or… 324 00:13:45,831 --> 00:13:49,459 God porn? I know, pandas. I'm a zookeeper. They are my panda. 325 00:13:49,543 --> 00:13:50,711 - What? - What? 326 00:13:50,794 --> 00:13:52,354 Pandas wouldn't be alive without humans. 327 00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:56,258 They can't run, they can't growl, they can't even mate without us. 328 00:13:56,341 --> 00:13:58,593 Have you been helping Nick and Reagan mate? 329 00:13:58,677 --> 00:14:00,887 In a way, yes. But I'm done. 330 00:14:00,971 --> 00:14:03,557 This zookeeper is through handing out bamboo. 331 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,102 Reagan and Nick deserve a chance to see if they can survive on their own. 332 00:14:07,185 --> 00:14:09,980 Yes, and the zookeeper deserves a chance to 333 00:14:11,273 --> 00:14:15,152 be on a late night show with hilarious animals that 334 00:14:15,986 --> 00:14:18,905 poop on the host's… I don't… What am I saying anymore? 335 00:14:18,989 --> 00:14:20,657 - I don't know. - I don't even know. 336 00:14:21,033 --> 00:14:24,953 Look, honey, you… You deserve the right 337 00:14:25,954 --> 00:14:27,122 to do what's best for you. 338 00:14:27,956 --> 00:14:30,375 Well… that, too. 339 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,213 I saw a lizard once, uh, making diarrhea on Johnny Carson. 340 00:14:37,966 --> 00:14:40,385 You are number one supreme jumper! 341 00:14:40,844 --> 00:14:45,182 Okay, I have, like, a million questions about what's going on here, but… 342 00:14:45,307 --> 00:14:46,850 You are bouncer of much success! 343 00:14:46,933 --> 00:14:48,310 Yeah, we are! 344 00:14:48,393 --> 00:14:51,021 Could you guys stick around for a little bit? 'Cause I don't… 345 00:14:51,104 --> 00:14:53,106 You soar higher than osprey and crane! 346 00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:54,191 Yes! 347 00:14:54,274 --> 00:14:56,526 I don't want to be alone with Nick and Reagan. 348 00:14:56,610 --> 00:14:58,570 You are gravity's master! 349 00:14:58,654 --> 00:15:00,322 He weeps at your feet. 350 00:15:00,405 --> 00:15:02,407 Okay, sure, Jess. 351 00:15:02,491 --> 00:15:05,118 We don't have to be at the station till… Till, uh… 352 00:15:05,202 --> 00:15:06,888 This just says we're ten days from a full moon. 353 00:15:06,912 --> 00:15:08,556 Yeah, it's weird, I can't get mine out of scuba mode. 354 00:15:08,580 --> 00:15:10,540 - I don't know how to read this. - It's 11:45. 355 00:15:10,624 --> 00:15:12,344 - What? - What? Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on. 356 00:15:12,417 --> 00:15:13,737 Farewell, emperors of trampoline. 357 00:15:13,794 --> 00:15:17,339 Look, sorry, Jess, but we got to be at the station in less than 15 minutes. 358 00:15:17,422 --> 00:15:20,592 Oh! I just figured out something that you definitely do not know. 359 00:15:20,676 --> 00:15:23,011 I blew my nose once and a bug came out. 360 00:15:23,095 --> 00:15:24,405 We were all there when that happened. 361 00:15:24,429 --> 00:15:26,264 That was at my birthday brunch. 362 00:15:26,348 --> 00:15:28,684 - Hey, Jess! - Oh, hey, guys. 363 00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,477 I can't talk. I have so much paper to fold. 364 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,312 Well, you better get it all folded tonight, 365 00:15:32,396 --> 00:15:35,023 because guess where you are being whisked away to tomorrow. 366 00:15:35,107 --> 00:15:36,907 Palm Springs, California, where the only thing 367 00:15:36,942 --> 00:15:40,862 hotter than the weather are the gay senior citizens and SOCALYALCON 6. 368 00:15:40,946 --> 00:15:43,383 Jess, we've been talking about how much we appreciate your friendship 369 00:15:43,407 --> 00:15:45,325 and how close we both feel to you, right? 370 00:15:45,409 --> 00:15:47,452 - Yeah, that's right. - Well, I, too, have, um, 371 00:15:47,536 --> 00:15:48,721 felt that closeness, and, um… 372 00:15:48,745 --> 00:15:50,122 That's why we got you this. 373 00:15:50,205 --> 00:15:51,540 Oh, no. 374 00:15:51,623 --> 00:15:53,375 - That is for you now. - No. 375 00:15:53,458 --> 00:15:55,168 This and a necklace? 376 00:15:55,585 --> 00:15:57,921 Neck, neck, neck, Neck, na-neck, neck, neck. 377 00:15:58,005 --> 00:15:59,881 Neck's all loaded up. 378 00:15:59,965 --> 00:16:01,525 Uh, but seriously, I can't accept this. 379 00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:03,719 It's… It's too, um, expensive. 380 00:16:03,802 --> 00:16:05,095 Money is no object. 381 00:16:05,178 --> 00:16:08,140 That's why we rented a custom van, 382 00:16:08,223 --> 00:16:10,142 - and even got space radio. - Satellite radio. 383 00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:12,495 No, space radio, the one that connects to everything in the air. 384 00:16:12,519 --> 00:16:13,603 There's a satellite. 385 00:16:13,687 --> 00:16:14,956 What, the satellite's in the ground? 386 00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:16,260 No, the satellite is in the air. 387 00:16:16,315 --> 00:16:17,482 - Right. Space. - In the air. 388 00:16:17,566 --> 00:16:18,942 - Yeah. - Satellite radio. 389 00:16:19,026 --> 00:16:20,626 And don't you worry about accommodations, 390 00:16:20,694 --> 00:16:22,237 because we also took care of that. 391 00:16:22,321 --> 00:16:23,655 You got your very own hotel room. 392 00:16:23,739 --> 00:16:25,782 It's adjacent to ours, but it's very private. 393 00:16:25,866 --> 00:16:27,386 I mean, it is called a peekaboo suite, 394 00:16:27,451 --> 00:16:29,745 so there might be a little bit of crossover. 395 00:16:29,828 --> 00:16:32,622 It's everything you like. It… It's kids, it's reading. 396 00:16:32,706 --> 00:16:34,624 You are gonna get so many free bookmarks. 397 00:16:34,708 --> 00:16:36,084 Do I get a per diem? 398 00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:37,753 Yeah. What's that? 399 00:16:38,003 --> 00:16:39,338 - All right, doggy door. - Sealed. 400 00:16:39,421 --> 00:16:40,422 - Attic. - Padlocked. 401 00:16:40,505 --> 00:16:41,585 - Crawlspace. - Uncrawlable. 402 00:16:41,632 --> 00:16:42,633 The cast of Sneakers 403 00:16:42,716 --> 00:16:44,236 - couldn't get into this place. - Uh… 404 00:16:44,384 --> 00:16:46,345 Well, I guess I'm going to Palm Springs. 405 00:16:46,428 --> 00:16:47,679 I just need your big-ass hat. 406 00:16:47,929 --> 00:16:48,972 The front door. 407 00:16:49,973 --> 00:16:51,016 Bye. 408 00:16:51,099 --> 00:16:53,560 25 points of entry is too many points of entry! 409 00:16:54,019 --> 00:16:55,687 How? How? 410 00:17:06,031 --> 00:17:07,949 Wait, wait, don't tell me. 411 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,827 Agent Isosceles, part geometry prodigy, 412 00:17:10,911 --> 00:17:13,914 part CIA spy, all scared of girls. 413 00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:16,291 - Wrong. Cadet Isosceles. - Oh. 414 00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:19,127 It's all right. You know, it's just, technically, 415 00:17:19,211 --> 00:17:20,629 this is from Isosceles 2… 416 00:17:28,804 --> 00:17:29,805 Wait. 417 00:17:30,389 --> 00:17:32,670 Do you remember when you had to smuggle the golden sextant 418 00:17:32,724 --> 00:17:34,351 out of the Paris Math Academy? 419 00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:36,645 - I do. - I have a mission for you 420 00:17:36,728 --> 00:17:38,855 that is even more sensitive. 421 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,543 All right, this is the last of it. 422 00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:44,319 Whew! Are you sure we have to do this? 423 00:17:44,403 --> 00:17:46,989 Babe, we're police officers who almost missed a shift 424 00:17:47,406 --> 00:17:48,865 because we were busy bouncing. 425 00:17:48,949 --> 00:17:50,033 You're right. 426 00:17:50,117 --> 00:17:52,744 Our capacity for joy is just way too high. 427 00:17:52,995 --> 00:17:55,914 Okay, so I have one last secret. 428 00:17:55,998 --> 00:17:57,600 So cute that you keep calling them secrets. 429 00:17:57,624 --> 00:17:58,792 Just hear me out. 430 00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:02,087 Um, I've lied to every girl I said "I love you" to. 431 00:18:03,171 --> 00:18:04,923 I mean, I thought I loved them, but then… 432 00:18:05,465 --> 00:18:09,553 I met you and realized I've never been in love before. 433 00:18:11,305 --> 00:18:12,681 I did not know that. 434 00:18:12,764 --> 00:18:14,182 Yeah, it was eating me up inside, 435 00:18:14,266 --> 00:18:16,685 so I called them each individually and said, 436 00:18:17,352 --> 00:18:18,562 "I never loved you." 437 00:18:18,645 --> 00:18:21,106 Okay. Seems unnecessary. 438 00:18:21,189 --> 00:18:22,333 One of them took it very badly. 439 00:18:22,357 --> 00:18:24,026 Oh, one of them took it badly? 440 00:18:24,109 --> 00:18:26,111 I mean, she's okay now. Well, sort… Kinda. 441 00:18:26,194 --> 00:18:27,946 She lives at the top of a very tall tree. 442 00:18:28,447 --> 00:18:30,157 Maybe, like, run stuff like that by me. 443 00:18:30,574 --> 00:18:32,868 Okay, let me just sign this right here. Here you go. 444 00:18:32,951 --> 00:18:35,203 My associate asked me to give this to one of you. 445 00:18:36,204 --> 00:18:38,290 She had to go. The rest is in the note. 446 00:18:38,999 --> 00:18:42,961 Uh, it says, "I had to go. Jess." Did she say any… 447 00:18:45,881 --> 00:18:47,049 What's this book about? 448 00:18:47,382 --> 00:18:49,217 Uh, it's… I mean, it's… 449 00:18:49,301 --> 00:18:51,720 It's hard to exp… Reagan? 450 00:18:52,346 --> 00:18:54,389 - Uh… - Reagan, what is it… 451 00:18:55,182 --> 00:18:56,382 Just tell her what it's about. 452 00:18:58,060 --> 00:18:59,186 He wrote this book. 453 00:19:02,189 --> 00:19:04,358 It's about a man with nothing, 454 00:19:04,816 --> 00:19:07,444 risking everything to feel something. 455 00:19:08,528 --> 00:19:10,072 I'll take it. Can you sign it? 456 00:19:10,864 --> 00:19:12,366 "Kill yourself." 457 00:19:13,325 --> 00:19:14,493 It's a joke. 458 00:19:14,576 --> 00:19:15,911 It's a reference to… 459 00:19:15,994 --> 00:19:17,621 You'll get it. 460 00:19:17,704 --> 00:19:20,916 Hey, so how's SOCALYCAL… SOCALYALCON 6? 461 00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,543 I don't know. I'm at the airport. 462 00:19:23,627 --> 00:19:25,879 - What? Where are you going? - I don't know. 463 00:19:25,962 --> 00:19:27,190 How long you gonna be gone for? 464 00:19:27,214 --> 00:19:28,924 - I don't know. - What's two plus two? 465 00:19:29,007 --> 00:19:30,360 Four. I'm listening to your questions, 466 00:19:30,384 --> 00:19:32,552 I just don't know the answer to them. 467 00:19:32,636 --> 00:19:34,697 I mean, this isn't like you. You always say if you had to choose 468 00:19:34,721 --> 00:19:37,724 between planning a trip or taking a trip, you'd choose planning. 469 00:19:37,808 --> 00:19:39,017 And I stand by that. 470 00:19:39,101 --> 00:19:41,645 I just… I really need a change of scenery. 471 00:19:41,770 --> 00:19:43,850 I'm probably just gonna hang with my dad in Portland. 472 00:19:44,272 --> 00:19:46,858 I did what you said. I did what was right for me today. 473 00:19:46,942 --> 00:19:48,944 I just don't know what's right for me tomorrow. 474 00:19:49,027 --> 00:19:53,115 I do know that the prices of the tickets are not going down while we yap. 475 00:19:53,198 --> 00:19:54,908 So I got to go. I love you. Bye. 476 00:19:57,077 --> 00:19:58,954 Oh, Cece, I'm fine… 477 00:20:02,457 --> 00:20:05,168 I don't know why you disappeared, Jess, but you know what, 478 00:20:05,252 --> 00:20:07,012 I'm sure you'll fill me in back at the hotel. 479 00:20:07,212 --> 00:20:09,298 Also, when I sign a book "Kill yourself," 480 00:20:09,923 --> 00:20:11,192 you think they know that's a reference 481 00:20:11,216 --> 00:20:13,760 to Pepperwood's dilemma at the fish market, right? 482 00:20:14,928 --> 00:20:17,848 Actually, you know what, that's a question for Reagan. 483 00:20:17,931 --> 00:20:20,267 Okay, sorry. See you later, Jess. 484 00:20:23,228 --> 00:20:24,688 Cece, come check this out. 485 00:20:27,357 --> 00:20:28,984 What? 486 00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:30,667 Did that, did that just lock everything? 487 00:20:30,736 --> 00:20:34,448 One touch secures every point of entry in the entire house, 488 00:20:34,531 --> 00:20:36,426 bringing us convenience and real-time peace of mind. 489 00:20:36,450 --> 00:20:37,659 Okay, can I unlock it? 490 00:20:37,743 --> 00:20:39,220 Well, unlocking it requires a pass code. 491 00:20:39,244 --> 00:20:42,289 Ours is "my beautiful Cece," all one word. 492 00:20:42,372 --> 00:20:43,540 Very sweet. 493 00:20:43,623 --> 00:20:45,375 Oh, shoot. Actually, I screwed up. 494 00:20:45,459 --> 00:20:47,544 Um, it's "my beautiful, beautiful Cece." 495 00:20:47,627 --> 00:20:49,004 - Two "beautifuls." - Okay. 496 00:20:52,257 --> 00:20:54,217 Oh, you know what, I know what it is. 497 00:20:54,676 --> 00:20:56,470 Great, just put it in. I'm freezing. 498 00:20:57,179 --> 00:20:58,615 I can't. It only gives you three tries, 499 00:20:58,639 --> 00:21:00,241 then it locks you out of the app for 12 hours. 500 00:21:00,265 --> 00:21:01,951 - For 12 hours? - It's fine. We'll go analog. 501 00:21:01,975 --> 00:21:03,060 Give me your key. 502 00:21:03,143 --> 00:21:07,397 Uh, I'd love to, but it's on the counter, next to yours. 503 00:21:08,482 --> 00:21:10,567 It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about a thing. 504 00:21:10,651 --> 00:21:12,003 I promise you, we'll figure this out. 505 00:21:12,027 --> 00:21:13,236 Override. 506 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,529 My beautiful, beautiful Cece. 507 00:21:14,613 --> 00:21:16,615 - Override. Override. - Oh, God. 508 00:21:19,785 --> 00:21:21,953 - Were you in the chimney? - Yes. 509 00:21:22,371 --> 00:21:23,705 The 26th point of entry. 510 00:21:23,789 --> 00:21:25,540 Oh, my God. 511 00:21:25,624 --> 00:21:27,042 Also, we have squirrels. 512 00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:28,585 Aw, I love squirrels. 513 00:21:29,002 --> 00:21:30,045 They're not alive. 514 00:21:30,379 --> 00:21:33,548 I counted. At least nine of 'em. 515 00:21:36,426 --> 00:21:37,761 Oh, my God. Cece! 516 00:21:37,844 --> 00:21:39,179 My beautiful, beautiful Cece!