1 00:00:01,010 --> 00:00:03,554 Jess, are you okay? Honey, you just fled 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:05,472 to your dad's house in Portland. 3 00:00:05,556 --> 00:00:07,308 What I did was a very tasteful, 4 00:00:07,391 --> 00:00:09,685 very understated skedaddle 5 00:00:09,768 --> 00:00:12,248 so I could get some much needed space from Nick, and it worked. 6 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:14,398 - I'm fine. - So, you're coming back? 7 00:00:14,481 --> 00:00:15,482 I would, but… 8 00:00:15,566 --> 00:00:16,692 Ashley's out of town, 9 00:00:16,775 --> 00:00:17,877 and the man doesn't do well without his wife. 10 00:00:17,901 --> 00:00:19,403 I can't in good conscience 11 00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:20,696 leave my elderly father here 12 00:00:20,779 --> 00:00:22,239 without someone to help him 13 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,700 steam-clean his bowling trophies. 14 00:00:24,783 --> 00:00:26,744 Hey, Jess. I think you should go home. 15 00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,787 Shut up, TV! That was the TV. 16 00:00:28,871 --> 00:00:29,872 Hello? 17 00:00:29,955 --> 00:00:31,707 Go home? I just got here. 18 00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:32,916 And I-I love that. 19 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,753 I love a surprise visit for no reason at all. 20 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,129 We had fun, but don't you think 21 00:00:37,212 --> 00:00:39,715 it's now, it's time for you to, you know, 22 00:00:39,798 --> 00:00:42,509 get back to your life? 23 00:00:42,593 --> 00:00:43,886 Dad, you still need me. 24 00:00:43,969 --> 00:00:44,970 I mean 25 00:00:45,054 --> 00:00:48,140 we really half-assed those trophies! 26 00:00:48,223 --> 00:00:50,142 What? Th-They look great. Look. Oh, this one. 27 00:00:50,225 --> 00:00:52,394 This one is fantastic. See this one? 28 00:00:52,478 --> 00:00:54,938 This is the ball that I won that trophy with. 29 00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,732 This ball right here. Helen, I call… 30 00:00:56,815 --> 00:00:58,817 Oh! Dad! 31 00:00:58,901 --> 00:01:00,694 I-I waxed the holes. 32 00:01:00,778 --> 00:01:02,112 You waxed the holes? 33 00:01:02,237 --> 00:01:03,697 Was I-I not supposed to? 34 00:01:03,781 --> 00:01:05,616 Not wise! Not wise! 35 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:06,950 It's okay. 36 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,952 I'm right here, 37 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:11,413 and I'm not going anywhere. 38 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,921 Oh, I'm so nervous to meet your mom. 39 00:01:19,004 --> 00:01:20,589 I'm bad with women and family. 40 00:01:20,673 --> 00:01:22,591 I wish she was a male stranger. 41 00:01:22,675 --> 00:01:23,902 You guys talking about Charmaine? 42 00:01:23,926 --> 00:01:24,969 Yeah, my mom. 43 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,096 Charmaine is a tough lady. 44 00:01:27,179 --> 00:01:28,949 My mom is just protective, okay? My dad walked out on us 45 00:01:28,973 --> 00:01:30,516 when I was a baby. I am her only son. 46 00:01:30,599 --> 00:01:32,309 Hey! 47 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:33,495 What are you guys doing here? 48 00:01:33,519 --> 00:01:34,979 Rude. What are we doing here? 49 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,539 Yeah, what are you doing here? Why are you here? 50 00:01:36,563 --> 00:01:39,042 What, just because we moved, we have to justify our presence here? 51 00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:40,359 Well, you don't live here, so… 52 00:01:40,442 --> 00:01:42,128 We're allowed to be here for no reason at all. 53 00:01:42,152 --> 00:01:44,571 Oh, I get it. You're sad and lonely in your new house 54 00:01:44,655 --> 00:01:45,698 and you miss us. 55 00:01:45,781 --> 00:01:47,700 We do not need this. If anything, 56 00:01:47,783 --> 00:01:49,910 you-you people need us. 57 00:01:49,994 --> 00:01:52,746 We are married homeowners. Benefit from our wisdom. 58 00:01:52,830 --> 00:01:54,832 Okay! I got to go. 59 00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,793 Aly and I have an invited guest to plan for. 60 00:01:57,876 --> 00:01:58,961 - Oh. - Good burn, Winston. 61 00:01:59,044 --> 00:02:00,647 - You're getting better at those. - Thanks, man! 62 00:02:00,671 --> 00:02:02,006 Okay, I am off to my drug party. 63 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,842 Reagan's, uh, pharm rep crew is in town for a convention. 64 00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:08,012 Have fun. If you get too drunk to drive, call me, 65 00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:09,775 'cause I will be, too, and we can be twins. 66 00:02:09,847 --> 00:02:11,223 Wait, you're not going? 67 00:02:11,307 --> 00:02:13,934 Don't you want to meet Reagan's friends? 68 00:02:14,018 --> 00:02:15,811 Mmm, we never really talked about it. 69 00:02:15,894 --> 00:02:17,730 Seems like something that a married homeowner 70 00:02:17,813 --> 00:02:19,231 should weigh in on. 71 00:02:19,315 --> 00:02:21,675 How could you not talk about such a major relationship step? 72 00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:24,194 Ugh, because we're not all couple-y like you guys are. 73 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,030 We don't talk about every little tiny… 74 00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:29,009 We don't gab all day like a couple of Italian grandmas hanging their laundry. 75 00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:31,994 Talking is the lifeblood of a relationship. 76 00:02:32,077 --> 00:02:34,788 - Truth. - The problem is, is neither one of you 77 00:02:34,872 --> 00:02:35,974 wants to take the initiative. 78 00:02:35,998 --> 00:02:37,541 You're both communication bottoms. 79 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,293 One of you needs to be the top. 80 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:40,937 What does this have anything to do with hamburger buns? 81 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,297 Look, we do things in our own way, right? 82 00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,299 It's not like I don't want Nick to come with me. 83 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,735 And for the record, I would love to meet your friends. 84 00:02:46,759 --> 00:02:47,801 That would be great. 85 00:02:47,885 --> 00:02:49,219 So… 86 00:02:52,222 --> 00:02:53,307 All right, I'm going! 87 00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:54,600 Get off my back! 88 00:02:57,102 --> 00:02:58,204 So what are you guys doing here? 89 00:02:58,228 --> 00:03:00,814 - Never. Never in my entire life. - Okay. 90 00:03:00,898 --> 00:03:03,942 - Never. Never. - My blood built this loft. 91 00:03:04,026 --> 00:03:06,570 Maybe as an icebreaker we tell your mom about the time 92 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:09,031 we actually arrested Jay Leno for jaywalking. 93 00:03:09,114 --> 00:03:12,618 One small thing… it's a footnote, really 94 00:03:12,701 --> 00:03:14,203 my mom don't know I'm a cop. 95 00:03:14,787 --> 00:03:15,954 What? 96 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,790 Winston, why? 97 00:03:17,873 --> 00:03:19,958 She's a-a protective single mom. 98 00:03:20,042 --> 00:03:21,960 She's always freaked out at the tiniest thing. 99 00:03:22,044 --> 00:03:24,588 My baby! I turn my head for one second. 100 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:27,591 Lord, where is my baby? Wh… 101 00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:28,926 I went to look at bikes. 102 00:03:30,886 --> 00:03:32,680 She still thinks I'm in sports radio. 103 00:03:32,763 --> 00:03:34,807 I still record shows for her. 104 00:03:34,890 --> 00:03:36,850 You got to promise not to blow my cover. 105 00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,912 - Wait, what are you doing? - I have so much police stuff. 106 00:03:38,936 --> 00:03:41,188 Now, I realize you're getting caught up in a lie 107 00:03:41,271 --> 00:03:43,399 against your will, but 108 00:03:43,482 --> 00:03:45,609 my mom is coming to see you, okay? 109 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,403 It won't even come up. 110 00:03:47,486 --> 00:03:49,822 But if it does, you're my producer. 111 00:03:49,905 --> 00:03:51,073 Bishop! 112 00:03:51,156 --> 00:03:52,408 I'm-a hide that. 113 00:03:52,491 --> 00:03:55,035 I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him… 114 00:03:55,119 --> 00:03:56,912 Pretty slim pickings at the drugstore. 115 00:03:56,996 --> 00:04:00,666 All I got was, uh, Freckle Me Once: The Unauthorized Lindsay Lohan Story. 116 00:04:00,749 --> 00:04:01,935 Anyway, I got all your stuff 117 00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:03,353 your bandages, your hydrogen peroxide, 118 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,712 your gummy peaches… 119 00:04:04,795 --> 00:04:06,272 You're making too big a fuss out of this. 120 00:04:06,296 --> 00:04:07,965 I mean, I've had so much worse. 121 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,009 This is just a bruised toe. 122 00:04:10,092 --> 00:04:11,719 It's your index toe. Very serious. 123 00:04:11,802 --> 00:04:13,262 That's the toe you point with. 124 00:04:13,345 --> 00:04:15,265 You've been great to me. You've taken care of me. 125 00:04:15,347 --> 00:04:17,891 Now I'm gonna do something for you. 126 00:04:17,975 --> 00:04:20,019 I'm gonna get you a ticket. 127 00:04:20,102 --> 00:04:22,813 Oh, here it is. Portland to L.A. 128 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,816 Dad, I am not leaving you like this. 129 00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,794 Recovery is the most vulnerable part of the process, 130 00:04:27,818 --> 00:04:30,821 and this house is full of stairs and sharp corners. 131 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,507 And you know how slippery your bathtub is. 132 00:04:32,531 --> 00:04:34,825 I won't stand up! I'll just roll out! 133 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:38,203 Dad, I'm sorry, but I need to show you a little tough love. 134 00:04:39,204 --> 00:04:41,081 Get in bed. 135 00:04:41,165 --> 00:04:42,333 Do it. 136 00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:46,503 "She was born on the freakiest of Fridays…" 137 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,048 Okay, we're in 42 markets, big show coming up 138 00:04:49,131 --> 00:04:51,216 - with Stephen A's brother Stephen B. - B. 139 00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:53,927 Our lead-in is a cooking show called The Ugly Dumpling… 140 00:04:54,011 --> 00:04:55,054 So funny. 141 00:04:55,137 --> 00:04:56,323 Hey, is all of this necessary? 142 00:04:56,347 --> 00:04:57,848 That's just in case it comes up. 143 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,099 Which, like I said 144 00:04:59,183 --> 00:05:02,019 - it won't. - Mmm… I feel like it might. 145 00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,520 Mother-in-law troubles, huh? 146 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:04,605 Second mom drahm? 147 00:05:04,688 --> 00:05:06,082 Hey, seriously, why are you still here? 148 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,941 That's your most pressing question right now? 149 00:05:08,025 --> 00:05:09,943 Not why did I sign up for this ill-advised 150 00:05:10,027 --> 00:05:12,112 talk radio alternative reality? 151 00:05:12,196 --> 00:05:14,876 Guys, we're trying to prep, okay? So if you're gonna be in our home, 152 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,950 please, step back from the mic. 153 00:05:17,034 --> 00:05:19,012 That's radio lingo for when someone's on the microphone 154 00:05:19,036 --> 00:05:21,014 and you don't want them to be, you say, "Step away from…" 155 00:05:21,038 --> 00:05:22,331 - I got it. - Baby! 156 00:05:22,414 --> 00:05:24,541 You are a radio personality! 157 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,960 You just can't leave your front door open 158 00:05:27,044 --> 00:05:29,171 for any ol' Menendez brothers to walk into. 159 00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:32,091 Ooh… 160 00:05:36,095 --> 00:05:37,888 - This is Aly. - Hey! 161 00:05:37,972 --> 00:05:40,766 Long time listener, first time visitor. 162 00:05:40,849 --> 00:05:42,351 Oh. 163 00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:44,353 Radio. She referenced radio. 164 00:05:44,436 --> 00:05:47,398 Uh, yeah, Mom, you know, we talk about work all day long, so… 165 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,525 Well, it's not work when it's with your girl. 166 00:05:49,608 --> 00:05:50,985 Now, Aly, tell me, 167 00:05:51,068 --> 00:05:53,988 do you two ever sing the call letters 168 00:05:54,071 --> 00:05:55,823 to each other to fall asleep? 169 00:05:55,906 --> 00:05:57,408 Mmm-Mmm-hmm. 170 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,534 Yep. 171 00:05:58,617 --> 00:06:00,703 KQWP… 172 00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,163 Oh, I thought you two moved. 173 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:13,007 Whoa, drug companies have a lot of money. 174 00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:17,094 Well, this is great. 175 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,596 I feel like you finally brought me to your home planet. 176 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,390 Yeah. I'm really glad you came. 177 00:06:21,473 --> 00:06:24,768 All right. So tell me about these pharm reps I'm about to meet. 178 00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,172 I mean, I don't know what I can really tell you about them. 179 00:06:27,229 --> 00:06:29,440 We sort of became friends at these conventions, 180 00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,859 and we go from city to city with each other. 181 00:06:31,942 --> 00:06:33,861 It's kind of like camp friends? 182 00:06:33,944 --> 00:06:37,031 Except everybody's, uh, slept together a whole lot. 183 00:06:37,114 --> 00:06:39,408 It's exactly like camp friends, I guess. 184 00:06:39,491 --> 00:06:41,368 All these people have had sex with each other? 185 00:06:41,452 --> 00:06:43,412 - Mostly, yeah. - Mostly. And with you? 186 00:06:43,495 --> 00:06:46,582 You had sex with the… Yeah? Why wouldn't you? 187 00:06:46,665 --> 00:06:47,666 Yeah. 188 00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,936 Oh, you guys are like groupies, but for yourself. I dig it. 189 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,241 Are we gonna have to, like, talk this out right now? Or… 190 00:06:52,296 --> 00:06:54,214 - I'm good. Are you good? - Yeah. 191 00:06:54,298 --> 00:06:55,674 - I'm cool. - Okay. 192 00:06:55,758 --> 00:06:58,427 Nah, I'm not a talker. Talking's not my thing. 193 00:06:58,510 --> 00:06:59,845 Great. This is why we work. 194 00:06:59,928 --> 00:07:01,239 'Cause we're not like Schmidt and Cece. 195 00:07:01,263 --> 00:07:03,182 We don't have to write each other a love poem 196 00:07:03,265 --> 00:07:04,326 every time I go into the other room. 197 00:07:04,350 --> 00:07:06,018 - Oh, pass. - Reags. 198 00:07:06,101 --> 00:07:08,228 - Hey. - Hey. 199 00:07:08,312 --> 00:07:09,897 - How are you? - Oh. Oh. 200 00:07:09,980 --> 00:07:12,191 Off the ground. 201 00:07:12,274 --> 00:07:13,275 Jack. 202 00:07:13,359 --> 00:07:15,694 I'm Nick and I-I might win a raffle tonight. 203 00:07:21,116 --> 00:07:23,410 So, Reagan, you gonna save me a pas de deux tonight? 204 00:07:23,494 --> 00:07:25,287 Okay. 205 00:07:25,371 --> 00:07:27,140 What's going on? What are you guys laughing at? 206 00:07:27,164 --> 00:07:28,248 I don't get the joke. 207 00:07:28,332 --> 00:07:31,877 Well, you do know that she was a professionally trained ballet dancer? 208 00:07:32,961 --> 00:07:35,214 You never told me you were a ballerina. 209 00:07:35,297 --> 00:07:37,297 I sort of shattered both of my ankles in this thing 210 00:07:37,341 --> 00:07:39,009 I refer to as "The Crackening." 211 00:07:39,093 --> 00:07:40,594 Your ankles? Like, both your ankles? 212 00:07:40,678 --> 00:07:43,222 And both of my knees and a little bit of my pelvis. 213 00:07:43,305 --> 00:07:44,848 What? 214 00:07:45,349 --> 00:07:47,017 I could be the Queen of Egypt 215 00:07:47,101 --> 00:07:48,870 and your mom wouldn't know, because all she wants to do 216 00:07:48,894 --> 00:07:51,105 is talk about the radio show that doesn't exist. 217 00:07:51,188 --> 00:07:53,232 That's on me. Maybe I should have made 218 00:07:53,315 --> 00:07:55,234 my fake radio show less intriguing. 219 00:07:55,317 --> 00:07:57,194 It's 7:12 and you know what that means. 220 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,405 Traffic on the 12 with Linda. 221 00:08:01,115 --> 00:08:03,158 It's just way too much damn traffic out here. 222 00:08:03,242 --> 00:08:06,036 - I can't get to work. - Linda… 223 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,705 Your big ass on the bus, stop playing. 224 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,557 Babe, how will I ever break through to your mom 225 00:08:09,581 --> 00:08:11,291 if I keep lying to her? This is crazy. 226 00:08:11,375 --> 00:08:13,252 - That's on me, too. - I know it's on you. 227 00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:14,729 You're the only person it could be on. 228 00:08:14,753 --> 00:08:16,839 - And that is my bad. - I know it's your bad. 229 00:08:16,922 --> 00:08:20,551 Aly. You have seven identical stripe long sleeve shirts? 230 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,219 Yeah. I-I know it's strange. 231 00:08:22,303 --> 00:08:24,138 Um, it-it was a deal. 232 00:08:24,221 --> 00:08:25,639 Oh. Buy five, get two free. 233 00:08:25,723 --> 00:08:27,325 - You still got the receipt? - Of course I do. 234 00:08:27,349 --> 00:08:30,728 BB Taxx has the same items, four for $20. 235 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,855 Wait. Are you a DDS? 236 00:08:32,938 --> 00:08:35,274 DDS since '73. 237 00:08:35,357 --> 00:08:36,543 Huh? What are you, both secret dentists? 238 00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:39,028 Deep discount shoppers. 239 00:08:40,029 --> 00:08:42,197 - Ooh. - OG price, $350.98. 240 00:08:42,281 --> 00:08:44,658 - Uh-huh. - BB Taxx price, $72.99. 241 00:08:44,742 --> 00:08:47,995 - Ooh. - $72.99! 242 00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:51,165 And someone didn't limit their price match to California. 243 00:08:51,248 --> 00:08:53,292 - Arkansas prices, y'all. - What do you say 244 00:08:53,375 --> 00:08:54,710 we get back in our cubbies 245 00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:58,213 - and keep this fashion show going? - Okay. 246 00:08:58,297 --> 00:08:59,774 I don't know why I'm just putting this together, 247 00:08:59,798 --> 00:09:02,301 but you two are very cheap. 248 00:09:02,384 --> 00:09:04,112 - You're about to feel… - You don't know what you're talking about. 249 00:09:04,136 --> 00:09:05,238 - My cheap purse on your temple. - You do not know. 250 00:09:05,262 --> 00:09:06,305 Easy now. 251 00:09:06,388 --> 00:09:08,349 What do you think, Nick? Should she take it? 252 00:09:08,432 --> 00:09:11,310 Take what? I don't know what you're talking about. 253 00:09:11,393 --> 00:09:13,395 Reagan's big promotion. 254 00:09:13,479 --> 00:09:14,480 Her promotion? 255 00:09:14,563 --> 00:09:16,815 - Should she take it? - I never… 256 00:09:16,899 --> 00:09:19,610 I didn't hear about it until right now. 257 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,362 It's just VP of North American sales. 258 00:09:21,445 --> 00:09:23,364 - VP? - It's not a big deal. 259 00:09:23,447 --> 00:09:25,532 It's just like a heartbeat away from the president 260 00:09:25,616 --> 00:09:26,950 of North American sales, so… 261 00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,074 - Seems like a pretty big deal. - Reagan, it's huge. 262 00:09:29,119 --> 00:09:31,538 You get to travel all the time. So many hotel points. 263 00:09:31,622 --> 00:09:33,600 Mo' points, mo' problems, that's what I always say. 264 00:09:33,624 --> 00:09:35,250 It's exciting finding out this way. 265 00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:37,062 Most people would probably tell their boyfriend 266 00:09:37,086 --> 00:09:40,214 when they first found out about it, but that's cool. 267 00:09:40,297 --> 00:09:42,233 We don't talk, that's why we work, and that's cool… 268 00:09:42,257 --> 00:09:44,301 And, uh, I'm really bothered by this. 269 00:09:45,803 --> 00:09:47,763 Nick. 270 00:10:01,151 --> 00:10:02,236 Hey, Jess, it's me again. 271 00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:03,779 Sorry to call you again. 272 00:10:03,862 --> 00:10:07,241 I just, I just really wish you would call me back. 273 00:10:07,992 --> 00:10:09,284 I'm having a problem, 274 00:10:09,368 --> 00:10:11,370 and I feel like you really like when I'm, 275 00:10:11,453 --> 00:10:12,788 you know, I'm having a problem. 276 00:10:12,871 --> 00:10:14,957 Not that you, not that you like it, but, 277 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,209 but that-that you like, you like talking about it. 278 00:10:17,292 --> 00:10:19,253 Anyway, I'm just coming apart here. 279 00:10:19,336 --> 00:10:22,631 I'm-I'm really 100% falling apart, 280 00:10:22,715 --> 00:10:24,967 and I really wish you would call me back. 281 00:10:25,050 --> 00:10:26,802 All right. 282 00:10:27,553 --> 00:10:28,846 Hey, Schmidty, what's up? 283 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,848 - Just checking in. - Okay. 284 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,349 Oh, hold on, I got another call. 285 00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:34,226 All of a sudden my phone's blowing up. 286 00:10:34,310 --> 00:10:35,561 Hi. This is Nick Miller. 287 00:10:35,644 --> 00:10:37,289 Who am I speaking to and why are you calling? 288 00:10:37,313 --> 00:10:39,165 - Do you not have my number saved? - Who is this? 289 00:10:39,189 --> 00:10:40,625 - Who is this? - Who am I speaking to? 290 00:10:40,649 --> 00:10:42,568 It's… it's Cece. 291 00:10:42,651 --> 00:10:43,986 Cece, why are you both calling me? 292 00:10:44,069 --> 00:10:45,922 How do you not have my number saved? I work for you. 293 00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,781 Cece, I already got Nick. Let me patch you in. 294 00:10:47,865 --> 00:10:49,718 How am I supposed to learn to do a patch if you never let me try? 295 00:10:49,742 --> 00:10:52,870 Nick, as the only person who takes our advice, how you doing? 296 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,414 Well, you were right. Reagan and I never talk. 297 00:10:55,497 --> 00:10:57,791 - We helped you. Cece, we helped him. - I know, I heard. 298 00:10:57,875 --> 00:10:59,293 No. You messed everything up. 299 00:10:59,376 --> 00:11:01,086 You stupid idiots made me realize 300 00:11:01,170 --> 00:11:02,713 that I need more than that. 301 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,256 Now I got to go back to this party 302 00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:06,359 with her friends and pretend like it doesn't bother me. 303 00:11:06,383 --> 00:11:09,303 - Those look fantastic. - Oh, honey, that sounds so rough. 304 00:11:09,386 --> 00:11:10,655 I said ho… one second, my man. 305 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:13,474 In the middle of a conversation. 306 00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:26,487 Dad, I know you got out of bed. 307 00:11:26,570 --> 00:11:27,946 No, I-I didn't, I didn't. 308 00:11:28,030 --> 00:11:29,948 I-I-I've been, I've been sleeping. 309 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,452 I found these little crummies in the kitchen. 310 00:11:33,535 --> 00:11:35,663 You only gave me a salad and tea. 311 00:11:35,746 --> 00:11:37,414 I-I-I-I wanted some fish sticks. 312 00:11:37,498 --> 00:11:39,750 Fish sticks are mostly pork and you know it. 313 00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:42,378 Now, I'm gonna trim your nails. 314 00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,630 Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait. 315 00:11:44,713 --> 00:11:46,715 Uh, uh, uh, it's-it's a little too short. 316 00:11:46,799 --> 00:11:50,052 It's too… Ow, ow! 317 00:11:50,135 --> 00:11:51,738 I have a good thing going with your mom right now, 318 00:11:51,762 --> 00:11:53,389 and I don't want to ruin that. 319 00:11:53,472 --> 00:11:54,699 We should just tell her the truth. 320 00:11:54,723 --> 00:11:56,433 Hey-o! Problem alert. 321 00:11:56,517 --> 00:11:58,686 Well, if you need help, you've come to the right place. 322 00:11:58,769 --> 00:12:01,397 Share, share. Please. Tell us what seems to be the problem. 323 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:02,958 Here's what you're doing, and it's not okay. 324 00:12:02,982 --> 00:12:04,709 You're inserting yourself into a family matter. 325 00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:06,360 We can handle this on our own. 326 00:12:06,443 --> 00:12:07,629 - We're here if you need us. - Yeah, watch your front, 327 00:12:07,653 --> 00:12:09,047 - 'cause we've got your back. - We got your back. 328 00:12:09,071 --> 00:12:11,281 I just want you to know that I respect that. 329 00:12:11,365 --> 00:12:12,908 I'm perceiving that. 330 00:12:13,158 --> 00:12:15,285 Um, I'm digesting that. 331 00:12:15,369 --> 00:12:16,954 It's in the machine. 332 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,331 It's working its way down. 333 00:12:19,415 --> 00:12:21,458 And okay. I think you're right. 334 00:12:21,542 --> 00:12:22,793 I think it'll be really good 335 00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,795 for you to be honest with your mom. 336 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,797 No. See, um, you're gonna come clean. 337 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,382 I'm gonna stay dirty. 338 00:12:28,465 --> 00:12:30,342 - Why? - Aly, I found a roly-poly 339 00:12:30,426 --> 00:12:33,387 in these pants, they gave me 89% off. 340 00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:34,471 Oh. 341 00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:35,764 That's sweet. 342 00:12:35,848 --> 00:12:38,600 Um, Charmaine, I have to tell you something. 343 00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:43,689 I don't work in radio, I don't. 344 00:12:44,315 --> 00:12:46,984 I'm actually a cop. 345 00:12:48,527 --> 00:12:50,446 What? 346 00:12:50,529 --> 00:12:52,823 Man, you wearing a wire? 347 00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:54,366 Okay. 348 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,202 Sorry. 349 00:12:57,870 --> 00:13:00,414 Well, I appreciate you telling me the truth. 350 00:13:01,165 --> 00:13:02,916 The job is dangerous. 351 00:13:04,418 --> 00:13:06,462 But I do salute your courage. 352 00:13:12,343 --> 00:13:14,428 Okay. Um… 353 00:13:16,639 --> 00:13:18,223 You can salute me, too. 354 00:13:18,307 --> 00:13:19,516 'Cause, uh, 355 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,560 - I'm also a cop. - What? 356 00:13:21,644 --> 00:13:23,479 Uh, uh, uh, I'm-I'm not a super successful 357 00:13:23,562 --> 00:13:24,813 morning radio shock jock. 358 00:13:24,897 --> 00:13:26,440 - There's no radio show? - No. 359 00:13:26,523 --> 00:13:28,275 I'm a… I'm an officer of the law. 360 00:13:28,359 --> 00:13:29,735 - What? - That's not 361 00:13:29,818 --> 00:13:31,570 how you reacted when Aly said she was a cop. 362 00:13:31,654 --> 00:13:34,573 Being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body, 363 00:13:34,657 --> 00:13:37,242 and now you're telling me that my heart 364 00:13:37,326 --> 00:13:39,828 is on these streets by himself? 365 00:13:39,912 --> 00:13:42,164 Sampling drugs with a knife 366 00:13:42,247 --> 00:13:43,916 to see if it's really cocaine? 367 00:13:44,083 --> 00:13:48,045 My heart knows what cocaine tastes like? 368 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,675 Oh, man. 369 00:13:52,758 --> 00:13:53,842 That's on you, man. 370 00:13:53,926 --> 00:13:55,219 Please shut up. 371 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:56,553 It isn't a dream job. 372 00:13:56,637 --> 00:13:58,263 Sure, it comes with a great salary 373 00:13:58,347 --> 00:13:59,974 and a vaccination for the coming elk flu. 374 00:14:00,057 --> 00:14:01,767 The flu that you're gonna be hearing about 375 00:14:01,850 --> 00:14:03,060 for the next decade. 376 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,645 But it also requires too much travel, 377 00:14:04,728 --> 00:14:05,813 and I'm gonna turn it down. 378 00:14:05,896 --> 00:14:08,190 - Are you happy now? - No. I'm not happy. 379 00:14:08,273 --> 00:14:10,651 'Cause this is the kind of talk I wish we had before. 380 00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:13,612 - These are the important talks. - This is so unlike you. 381 00:14:13,696 --> 00:14:15,823 Why are you being the girl in this argument? 382 00:14:15,906 --> 00:14:18,450 I don't know, Reagan. I don't know. 383 00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:20,619 But I do know you're being heteronormative. 384 00:14:20,703 --> 00:14:22,514 Okay? I know that word… it's in the zeitgeist, and I know 385 00:14:22,538 --> 00:14:25,207 that word, too. I don't know why I'm acting this way. 386 00:14:25,290 --> 00:14:26,625 If you're out there, Nick Miller, 387 00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:28,627 you're our raffle winner! 388 00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:31,088 Well, I can't say I'm surprised. 389 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:34,174 I did spend $190 on tickets. 390 00:14:35,634 --> 00:14:36,677 Two hundred dollars. 391 00:14:38,012 --> 00:14:39,722 I spent $250 on tickets. 392 00:14:39,805 --> 00:14:41,598 That's it. 393 00:14:41,682 --> 00:14:43,434 I spent over $300 on tickets. 394 00:14:47,730 --> 00:14:50,524 "Deciding which house to go to for Thanksgiving," 395 00:14:50,607 --> 00:14:52,651 "she was stuck in a real parent trap." 396 00:14:52,735 --> 00:14:55,237 - Enough. Enough. Enough. - Oh, you're right. 397 00:14:55,321 --> 00:14:56,715 - This chapter's dragging. - Jess, please. 398 00:14:56,739 --> 00:14:58,949 - Let me move on. - I-I need my freedom. 399 00:14:59,033 --> 00:15:01,076 I need my judge shows, my fish sticks. 400 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,162 My-my naked time. 401 00:15:03,245 --> 00:15:05,706 - Oh, please don't expand on that. - No, it's a good thing. 402 00:15:05,789 --> 00:15:08,542 Ashley showed me how to embrace my body. 403 00:15:08,625 --> 00:15:10,711 And I… every day, for about a half an hour, 404 00:15:10,794 --> 00:15:12,588 I walk around here naked. 405 00:15:12,671 --> 00:15:14,715 - Fabulous. - Did you sit on this chair? 406 00:15:14,798 --> 00:15:18,344 Jess… now I'm gonna show you some tough love. 407 00:15:18,427 --> 00:15:20,763 I want you to go back to California. 408 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,642 Wh-What's going on? 409 00:15:26,185 --> 00:15:28,520 It's Nick. I… 410 00:15:28,604 --> 00:15:32,691 - What? - I'm-I'm in love with him, and I can't… 411 00:15:32,775 --> 00:15:36,737 I can't do anything about it. 412 00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:39,490 - I'm sorry. - He's really happy with someone else. 413 00:15:39,573 --> 00:15:41,293 - I couldn't go back there. - Hey, hey, hey. 414 00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:43,744 It's okay. You don't have to. 415 00:15:43,827 --> 00:15:46,538 You can stay here as long as you want. 416 00:15:46,622 --> 00:15:49,792 You've been taking care of me, now I'm gonna take care of you. 417 00:15:49,875 --> 00:15:52,544 You know what, I'm gonna read you 418 00:15:52,628 --> 00:15:54,546 one of my favorite books. See? 419 00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:55,631 Oh… 420 00:15:55,714 --> 00:15:58,050 Before the Web: The Story of Telephone Operators. 421 00:15:59,635 --> 00:16:02,096 "She sat by the switchboard," 422 00:16:02,179 --> 00:16:04,556 "anxiously awaiting" 423 00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:07,059 "the phone call." 424 00:16:07,142 --> 00:16:10,187 "Ring. Ring." 425 00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:14,608 "Ring." 426 00:16:14,692 --> 00:16:17,403 I don't even understand what we're arguing about. 427 00:16:17,486 --> 00:16:19,154 I'm mad about the promotion. 428 00:16:19,238 --> 00:16:20,781 And that you have been sitting on it 429 00:16:20,864 --> 00:16:23,200 for a month and not telling me. 430 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,844 I thought that you liked that we have our own thing. 431 00:16:24,868 --> 00:16:26,638 - I don't know, maybe I… - That we were two independent, 432 00:16:26,662 --> 00:16:28,056 different people and we live our lives 433 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,832 and then we come together and we hang out. 434 00:16:29,915 --> 00:16:32,960 I just want more, I guess. I want to talk about stuff, 435 00:16:33,043 --> 00:16:35,587 and I know while I'm saying this I hate that I'm saying it, 436 00:16:35,671 --> 00:16:38,549 - but I feel it. - We're talking about stuff right now. 437 00:16:38,632 --> 00:16:39,901 No, we're not talking about all the stuff. 438 00:16:39,925 --> 00:16:41,760 We're talking about some of the stuff. 439 00:16:41,844 --> 00:16:43,655 - How much stuff is there? - There's piles of stuff. 440 00:16:43,679 --> 00:16:45,681 There's piles upon piles of stuff. 441 00:16:45,764 --> 00:16:47,492 Like, I want to talk about… I want to talk about 442 00:16:47,516 --> 00:16:48,785 why we don't have nicknames for each other? 443 00:16:48,809 --> 00:16:51,478 I mean, why don't we call each other Mr. Cub and Sparky? 444 00:16:51,562 --> 00:16:52,762 Who's Mr. Cub? You're Mr. Cub? 445 00:16:52,813 --> 00:16:54,273 You think I would be Sparky? 446 00:16:54,356 --> 00:16:55,834 If we had nicknames it would not be those. 447 00:16:55,858 --> 00:16:57,609 You just call me Nick, is my point. 448 00:16:57,693 --> 00:16:59,611 - That's your name. - I know, but I would like 449 00:16:59,695 --> 00:17:02,656 - to talk about nicknames. - It doesn't matter. 450 00:17:02,740 --> 00:17:04,616 All this matters. This is the stuff. 451 00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:06,994 I want to talk about why you have a second apartment. 452 00:17:07,077 --> 00:17:08,888 - We talked about that. - And it was weird then. 453 00:17:08,912 --> 00:17:11,457 We barely talked about it. I also want to talk about the fact 454 00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:13,375 I've never been at my best sexually with you. 455 00:17:13,459 --> 00:17:14,668 I've been, like, a seven, 456 00:17:14,752 --> 00:17:15,854 but, at other times in my life, 457 00:17:15,878 --> 00:17:17,171 I've been an eight-and-a-half. 458 00:17:17,254 --> 00:17:19,298 - Okay. - But you've only seen a seven. 459 00:17:19,381 --> 00:17:21,800 So you think of me as a seven in bed. 460 00:17:21,884 --> 00:17:24,678 - But I'm an eight-and-a-half. - I'm really tired. 461 00:17:24,762 --> 00:17:26,156 Can you just write it all down and I'll fill it out 462 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:27,699 - and I'll get it back to you. - All right, 463 00:17:27,723 --> 00:17:29,643 then just answer me this, and then we'll be done. 464 00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:30,976 'Cause this is important. 465 00:17:31,060 --> 00:17:32,728 If we weren't together 466 00:17:32,811 --> 00:17:35,814 and you were offered this same promotion, 467 00:17:35,898 --> 00:17:38,150 would you take it? 468 00:17:41,737 --> 00:17:44,531 Yes, I would take it. 469 00:17:47,409 --> 00:17:49,119 Then you should take the job, Reagan. 470 00:17:51,038 --> 00:17:52,748 Okay, I'll take it. 471 00:17:55,084 --> 00:17:56,543 Are we cool? 472 00:17:58,253 --> 00:18:00,839 Yeah. Dream job. 473 00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:03,884 Good, I'm so happy for you. This is awesome. 474 00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:05,719 Uh, okay. 475 00:18:05,803 --> 00:18:07,888 But before we go to bed tonight, 476 00:18:07,972 --> 00:18:10,075 can you please just do something about your raffle prize? 477 00:18:10,099 --> 00:18:11,952 - His name's Stewart. - Why did you bring it home? 478 00:18:11,976 --> 00:18:14,269 I don't know, I won. 479 00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,482 Hey, thought I might find you here. 480 00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,693 Oh. Hiding your maybes? 481 00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:24,530 Sometimes I hide mine in a garbage can. 482 00:18:24,613 --> 00:18:25,948 A new one. 483 00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:28,575 Don't try to talk me out of worrying about my son. 484 00:18:28,659 --> 00:18:32,746 I won't. I just want you to know you're not alone. 485 00:18:32,830 --> 00:18:34,790 I'm out there worrying about him, too, 486 00:18:34,873 --> 00:18:37,584 but we have got each other's backs. 487 00:18:40,421 --> 00:18:43,549 How's that dress gonna fit you when you ain't got no legs? 488 00:18:45,259 --> 00:18:48,262 Oh. I need to tell you something. 489 00:18:48,345 --> 00:18:51,181 No, no, just… let me go first. 490 00:18:52,266 --> 00:18:54,893 This job has given me so much. 491 00:18:54,977 --> 00:18:57,896 Purpose, pride, my future wife, 492 00:18:57,980 --> 00:19:00,941 CPR certification… against my will, I might add, 493 00:19:01,025 --> 00:19:03,360 because I truly believe that it is witchcraft, 494 00:19:03,444 --> 00:19:04,695 but that's not the point. 495 00:19:04,778 --> 00:19:07,156 I have tried so many things. 496 00:19:07,239 --> 00:19:11,285 But being a cop is the first time I've ever felt a calling. 497 00:19:12,745 --> 00:19:14,163 I'm proud of you. 498 00:19:15,956 --> 00:19:18,709 Yeah. I-I will deal with my fears. 499 00:19:18,876 --> 00:19:21,712 Um… but there's one more thing. 500 00:19:29,595 --> 00:19:31,221 Oh, my God. 501 00:19:31,847 --> 00:19:35,476 Mom, you've been a cop this whole time? 502 00:19:35,559 --> 00:19:36,977 No. 503 00:19:37,061 --> 00:19:38,812 - You're not a cop. - It was your dad's. 504 00:19:38,896 --> 00:19:39,980 He's a cop. 505 00:19:40,064 --> 00:19:42,232 Wherever the hell he is. 506 00:19:42,316 --> 00:19:44,902 Wow. Um… 507 00:19:44,985 --> 00:19:48,155 You know, that's the first thing you ever told me about him. 508 00:19:48,238 --> 00:19:50,783 So you know I got a lot of practice 509 00:19:50,866 --> 00:19:52,618 worrying about someone coming home. 510 00:19:52,701 --> 00:19:55,454 Maybe that's the reason I'm so overprotective with you. 511 00:19:55,537 --> 00:19:58,248 He left this behind, among other things. 512 00:19:58,332 --> 00:20:00,542 I just use it to get out of tickets. 513 00:20:00,626 --> 00:20:03,545 And one time I did use it for a discount on a 514 00:20:03,629 --> 00:20:04,922 a rental car. 515 00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:07,007 - Oh. - Take it. 516 00:20:07,091 --> 00:20:08,550 No, I don't want it. 517 00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:10,177 You're my dad. 518 00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:11,971 You're my mom and my dad. 519 00:20:12,054 --> 00:20:14,223 I know that. And I'm not saying 520 00:20:14,306 --> 00:20:16,433 he's not a piece of crap, either. 521 00:20:16,517 --> 00:20:18,060 But you should have this. 522 00:20:27,861 --> 00:20:29,488 We can talk about this later, 523 00:20:29,571 --> 00:20:33,117 but what was the rental car company you used? 524 00:20:36,954 --> 00:20:39,873 Well, I don't think me and Reagan are working out. 525 00:20:39,957 --> 00:20:42,835 Really? Oh, bub, I'm so sorry. 526 00:20:42,918 --> 00:20:44,670 Come lay your head on my bosom. 527 00:20:44,753 --> 00:20:46,005 - Come here. - No, I'd do hers 528 00:20:46,088 --> 00:20:48,507 if I was gonna do either, but… 529 00:20:48,590 --> 00:20:50,301 Well, I'm really glad you guys are here. 530 00:20:53,012 --> 00:20:54,305 Tell us everything. 531 00:20:54,388 --> 00:20:55,723 But first, say that one more time. 532 00:20:55,806 --> 00:20:56,849 Oh, you really want me to? 533 00:20:56,932 --> 00:20:57,933 - Yeah. - Yeah. 534 00:20:58,017 --> 00:20:59,244 Oh. Uh, I'm really glad you're here. 535 00:20:59,268 --> 00:21:00,787 We're really glad that we're here, too. 536 00:21:00,811 --> 00:21:01,854 Very happy about it. 537 00:21:01,937 --> 00:21:03,522 - All right. - One more time. 538 00:21:03,605 --> 00:21:04,916 The part about you being glad that we're here. 539 00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:06,650 - Making me regret it. - One more time. 540 00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:07,961 I feel like we talked about everything. 541 00:21:07,985 --> 00:21:09,236 I'm gonna grab a beer. 542 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:10,738 I like American football a lot. 543 00:21:10,821 --> 00:21:12,865 And you know who I like, I like that Tom Brady. 544 00:21:12,948 --> 00:21:15,200 Uh, I like the way he looks, I like the way he smells. 545 00:21:15,284 --> 00:21:16,827 Nick, shut up, man! 546 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:18,329 I'm at… I'm at work. 547 00:21:18,412 --> 00:21:21,665 - Mi-mi-mi, mi-mi-mi. Chacho. - Chacho. 548 00:21:21,749 --> 00:21:23,500 This is traffic on the 12. Linda? 549 00:21:23,584 --> 00:21:26,337 "Move! Get your ass out the way! 550 00:21:26,420 --> 00:21:28,130 'I'm trying to get to work on time." 551 00:21:28,213 --> 00:21:29,882 Linda, you okay? "I'm fine." 552 00:21:29,965 --> 00:21:32,092 "It's the reason why I'm late. I'm in traffic" 553 00:21:32,176 --> 00:21:33,677 "behind a damn Camry." 554 00:21:33,761 --> 00:21:35,361 "If he don't move his ass out the way…" 555 00:21:35,429 --> 00:21:36,823 Linda, all right, that's enough of you. 556 00:21:36,847 --> 00:21:39,266 PG-13.