1 00:00:20,634 --> 00:00:23,532 Ladies, stop stuffing yourselves with pancakes. Daddy's coming in 2 00:00:23,594 --> 00:00:25,804 at a nine, and we're seconds away from being at a ten. 3 00:00:25,874 --> 00:00:28,139 I got Ruth an interview at Lillypads, 4 00:00:28,208 --> 00:00:29,775 the most prestigious preschool 5 00:00:29,844 --> 00:00:31,743 in all of Jerry Brown's California! 6 00:00:31,803 --> 00:00:34,662 - Ugh! Lillypads? - I found out there was an opening. 7 00:00:34,725 --> 00:00:38,561 Uh, the mayor of Malibu's son just disappeared like that. 8 00:00:38,629 --> 00:00:40,262 We're all praying for his safe return, of course, 9 00:00:40,330 --> 00:00:43,699 - just not until enrollment closes. - Oh, my God. 10 00:00:43,768 --> 00:00:45,534 Wait. Didn't you guys already look at a preschool? 11 00:00:45,603 --> 00:00:46,869 You mean Triangles? 12 00:00:48,338 --> 00:00:51,073 Okay. 13 00:00:51,141 --> 00:00:53,542 - Ew. - Chicken. 14 00:00:53,610 --> 00:00:55,210 - Hmm? - I made eye contact with the chicken. 15 00:00:55,279 --> 00:00:56,454 He knows that I had eggs for breakfast. 16 00:00:56,525 --> 00:00:58,258 Take her. Take the pretty one. 17 00:00:58,305 --> 00:00:59,546 I don't think that a chicken 18 00:00:59,571 --> 00:01:00,546 - cares that you had eggs. - No! 19 00:01:00,571 --> 00:01:02,235 I mean, I kind of liked Triangles. 20 00:01:02,274 --> 00:01:04,027 Besides, are we really Lillypads people? 21 00:01:04,114 --> 00:01:06,315 - Yes. - I hope not. That kind of competitive, 22 00:01:06,384 --> 00:01:08,817 overpriced private school, B dash, dash, 23 00:01:08,886 --> 00:01:12,055 dash, dash, dash, dash, dash... T 24 00:01:12,149 --> 00:01:15,023 is the reason why I got out of teaching in the first place. 25 00:01:15,092 --> 00:01:16,291 What did happen at Banyon Canyon? 26 00:01:16,359 --> 00:01:17,559 Yeah, what did happen at Banyon Canyon? 27 00:01:17,627 --> 00:01:18,782 You know I can't discuss that until 28 00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:20,662 one of four civil lawsuits is settled. 29 00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:23,165 - I know, but what... - No further questions. You guys, 30 00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:25,701 this is crazy. Look at this beautiful, impressionable child. 31 00:01:25,769 --> 00:01:28,035 Lillypads is the key to Ruth's future. 32 00:01:28,104 --> 00:01:30,838 If she gets into Lillypads, she gets into Willows. 33 00:01:30,907 --> 00:01:32,240 If she gets into Willows, she gets into Harvard. 34 00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:33,708 And if she gets into Harvard, 35 00:01:33,776 --> 00:01:35,862 - it's a bullet train to the Oval Office. - Hmm. 36 00:01:35,909 --> 00:01:37,845 Don't you want Ruth to be the president? 37 00:01:37,914 --> 00:01:40,047 Of course I do, but you can do it without going 38 00:01:40,116 --> 00:01:42,083 to some pressure cooker that turns her into a robot. 39 00:01:42,151 --> 00:01:44,519 Meep, meep, alphabet, meep, meep, numbers. 40 00:01:44,589 --> 00:01:46,782 Have you not seen Star Wars? Robots are helpful and 41 00:01:46,836 --> 00:01:48,633 - often delightful. - Please don't start this again. 42 00:01:48,696 --> 00:01:50,735 You two have been arguing about how Ruth should be raised 43 00:01:50,783 --> 00:01:51,849 since the day she was born. 44 00:01:51,899 --> 00:01:52,951 I'm sorry, I have to. 45 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,528 Okay, if it was up to her, Ruth would have been born 46 00:01:54,597 --> 00:01:56,439 in a rusty tub in the Ladies Y. 47 00:01:56,485 --> 00:01:58,407 I'm not letting your hippie-dippie mishegas 48 00:01:58,439 --> 00:01:59,884 ruin Ruth's future. 49 00:01:59,946 --> 00:02:02,536 This child is a genius. 50 00:02:02,605 --> 00:02:04,142 Yay! 51 00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:06,206 - Oh! - Whoa. 52 00:02:06,275 --> 00:02:07,774 She does this all the time. Just give her a minute. 53 00:02:07,843 --> 00:02:08,972 - She'll come to. - Yeah. 54 00:02:08,997 --> 00:02:11,077 - I'm okay! There she is. 55 00:02:11,146 --> 00:02:12,979 - Oh, my God. - Okay, all right. 56 00:02:13,048 --> 00:02:16,301 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 57 00:02:16,885 --> 00:02:18,945 Ruth! I turn my back 58 00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:21,269 for two seconds and you turn yourself into a cat toy. 59 00:02:21,322 --> 00:02:22,622 Hey, Jess. 60 00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:24,557 - Hi. - I'm off to the bar to write. 61 00:02:24,626 --> 00:02:26,292 This is the first day working on my new idea 62 00:02:26,361 --> 00:02:28,228 and I have a perfect plan to make pages. 63 00:02:28,296 --> 00:02:29,796 - Okay. - All right, I'll see you. 64 00:02:29,865 --> 00:02:32,065 Good-bye, Mr. Diarrhea-head. 65 00:02:32,134 --> 00:02:34,066 Hey, do you have my money, Ruth? 66 00:02:34,135 --> 00:02:35,268 Then we have nothing to talk about. 67 00:02:35,336 --> 00:02:38,003 Aunt Jess, I have to pee. 68 00:02:38,072 --> 00:02:39,905 What? Oh, no. We have to untangle you. 69 00:02:39,974 --> 00:02:41,474 Oh. We're not, we're not gonna make it. 70 00:02:41,542 --> 00:02:42,775 I'll figure it out. 71 00:02:42,843 --> 00:02:44,744 Wait, wait, what does that mean? 72 00:02:44,812 --> 00:02:46,912 - Hey. - Hey, why is my baby wrapped up in... 73 00:02:46,981 --> 00:02:47,980 never mind, she'll figure it out. 74 00:02:48,048 --> 00:02:49,414 We just came back 75 00:02:49,483 --> 00:02:52,751 from Lillypads and we need your help. 76 00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:54,052 We were picking up our paperwork 77 00:02:54,121 --> 00:02:56,822 when we ran into that supervillain/wax figure/ 78 00:02:56,891 --> 00:02:59,825 former best friend of mine, Benjamin. 79 00:02:59,894 --> 00:03:01,959 Have you gotten your kid ready for this interview yet? 80 00:03:02,006 --> 00:03:04,596 We got ourselves a 365 tutor, baby. 81 00:03:04,672 --> 00:03:06,938 Christmas, New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, 82 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,667 we own this man's ass. 83 00:03:08,735 --> 00:03:10,769 W-What are they getting tested on? 84 00:03:10,837 --> 00:03:13,438 Draw a face. Cut a circle. Know colors. Make eye contact. 85 00:03:13,507 --> 00:03:14,497 I'm sorry, hold on. 86 00:03:14,559 --> 00:03:16,274 I'm sorry, at three? 87 00:03:16,343 --> 00:03:18,310 How could a child... 88 00:03:18,378 --> 00:03:20,111 Is that your boy over there playing the piccolo? 89 00:03:21,381 --> 00:03:24,248 Oh, yeah. That's my seed, all right. 90 00:03:24,317 --> 00:03:27,318 I had to lay down. At which point, Benjamin's child 91 00:03:27,386 --> 00:03:29,053 started giving me shiatsu. 92 00:03:29,122 --> 00:03:30,188 - Oh. - Which is apparently 93 00:03:30,256 --> 00:03:31,956 another thing he knows how to do. 94 00:03:32,025 --> 00:03:34,826 - Ew. Preschool tutors? - Okay, Jess, 95 00:03:34,894 --> 00:03:36,360 Ruth is never going to make it through this interview 96 00:03:36,429 --> 00:03:38,770 without a professional tutor. And if we look past the whole 97 00:03:38,865 --> 00:03:42,106 Banyon Canyon debacle, that's you. 98 00:03:42,167 --> 00:03:44,301 Eh, I got out of that game years ago. 99 00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:45,636 Look, I know it sounds crazy, 100 00:03:45,705 --> 00:03:47,638 but Lillypads was really magical. 101 00:03:47,707 --> 00:03:51,041 The kids wear uniforms and, you know, not to sound weird, 102 00:03:51,109 --> 00:03:53,644 - but they look hot. - That sounds weird. 103 00:03:53,713 --> 00:03:55,312 - They did. - I hear you, I hear you. 104 00:03:55,380 --> 00:03:57,180 They looked super hot. Anyway, I have to run to work, 105 00:03:57,249 --> 00:03:59,015 so is there any chance that you could, you know, 106 00:03:59,084 --> 00:04:01,318 teach her how to draw a face, cut a circle, 107 00:04:01,386 --> 00:04:03,153 carry out a conversation... 108 00:04:03,222 --> 00:04:04,491 Okay, fine. I'll do it, for Ruth. 109 00:04:04,556 --> 00:04:06,342 - Yes. - Under one condition. 110 00:04:06,452 --> 00:04:08,892 - Sure. - You do it on my terms. 111 00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:10,325 What? 112 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:11,985 I'm gonna have to go on a craft run, aren't I? 113 00:04:12,063 --> 00:04:13,830 I'm gonna need pipe cleaners, glitter, glue, 114 00:04:13,898 --> 00:04:15,498 finger paints and six different types of macaroni. 115 00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,066 And that's just 'cause I'm hungry. 116 00:04:17,134 --> 00:04:19,669 Honest to God, you don't already have all of that 117 00:04:19,738 --> 00:04:22,338 in this room already? 118 00:04:22,407 --> 00:04:24,807 I mean... 119 00:04:28,913 --> 00:04:31,146 Martini time. 120 00:04:31,215 --> 00:04:33,849 I like martinis. 121 00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,355 You know, I would be back to writing 122 00:04:39,423 --> 00:04:42,224 because I'm kind of in a nice flow, but, say, 123 00:04:42,293 --> 00:04:44,693 do you mind telling me that really interesting story 124 00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:47,529 you just told me about when you bought those shorts? 125 00:04:47,598 --> 00:04:49,097 I bought 'em. 126 00:04:49,165 --> 00:04:51,700 A-And from the start of it, 127 00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,201 when you realized you needed new shorts? 128 00:04:53,270 --> 00:04:54,549 What was going on there? 129 00:04:54,626 --> 00:04:56,412 You just looked around your house and there weren't shorts? 130 00:04:56,473 --> 00:04:58,039 Not the fingers, man, I'm a writer. 131 00:04:58,108 --> 00:04:59,574 What are you doing here, coming up on me like a maniac? 132 00:04:59,643 --> 00:05:00,842 Um, it's me, Winston. 133 00:05:00,911 --> 00:05:02,210 Sorry, man, I'm just really edgy right now. 134 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:03,711 - All right, man. - Working on this thing 135 00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:05,746 - about Chicago, actually. - Ooh. 136 00:05:05,815 --> 00:05:07,715 So you know it's gonna be raw. You know it's gonna be personal. 137 00:05:07,784 --> 00:05:09,583 - Oh, yeah. - Also, it doesn't exist. 138 00:05:09,652 --> 00:05:11,719 And if I don't have 20 pages by 3:00 today, 139 00:05:11,788 --> 00:05:13,754 - I'm gonna get punched in the face. - Who, your editor? 140 00:05:13,823 --> 00:05:15,390 No. Some guy I hired off Craigslist. 141 00:05:15,458 --> 00:05:18,091 Wait, so you hired a man to punch you in the face 142 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,727 if you don't write 20 pages? 143 00:05:19,796 --> 00:05:21,729 Yeah. I have no idea what he looks like, either. 144 00:05:21,798 --> 00:05:22,897 You know, I would have punched you in the face for free. 145 00:05:22,965 --> 00:05:24,131 - Well, I got somebody. - Okay. 146 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,633 Well, anyway, I have a real problem, 147 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,067 one that I didn't bring on myself. 148 00:05:27,136 --> 00:05:29,149 - I'm just really slammed. - So, I'm a detective now 149 00:05:29,211 --> 00:05:30,938 and I have to testify in these trials. 150 00:05:31,006 --> 00:05:34,441 But you know I get rattled on the stand. 151 00:05:34,509 --> 00:05:37,144 Can you repeat the question? 152 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:40,013 I asked you if you'd like me to repeat the question. 153 00:05:43,819 --> 00:05:45,552 Can you repeat the question? 154 00:05:50,492 --> 00:05:52,325 Can you have her repeat the question? 155 00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:55,361 - Let's dig in. - Thank you. 156 00:05:55,430 --> 00:05:57,096 When I was at law school, I-I learned 157 00:05:57,165 --> 00:05:58,998 that if somebody falls apart on the stand, 158 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,767 it's mostly because they're hiding something. 159 00:06:00,836 --> 00:06:03,474 So, I guess my question to you, Detective, is: 160 00:06:03,552 --> 00:06:05,772 - what are you hiding? - Nothing. 161 00:06:05,841 --> 00:06:07,940 - Nothing? - I have nothing to hide. 162 00:06:08,009 --> 00:06:10,142 Well, maybe not on this case, but perhaps you're hiding 163 00:06:10,211 --> 00:06:13,645 something from... your past? 164 00:06:13,714 --> 00:06:15,247 Objection. Form of a question. 165 00:06:15,316 --> 00:06:17,950 Withdrawn. Isn't it true, Detective, 166 00:06:18,019 --> 00:06:19,485 that this could be the result of a guilty conscience? 167 00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:21,120 I have nothing to be guilty about. 168 00:06:21,189 --> 00:06:24,322 Ladies and gentlemen, are we buying this? 169 00:06:24,391 --> 00:06:26,825 'Cause I'm not. 170 00:06:26,894 --> 00:06:29,634 My question is about the night of January 12. 171 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,997 - Wait, what? No, no, no. No, no. - 2001. 172 00:06:32,065 --> 00:06:34,232 Nick, that is a cold case and I won't discuss it any further. 173 00:06:34,301 --> 00:06:35,767 Well, looks like we're discussing it now. 174 00:06:35,836 --> 00:06:37,636 I was not masturbating! 175 00:06:39,072 --> 00:06:40,438 Easy, Winston. 176 00:06:40,507 --> 00:06:42,207 You just screamed "masturbating." 177 00:06:42,275 --> 00:06:44,142 - What are you doing, man? - Sorry. 178 00:06:44,211 --> 00:06:48,013 Okay. 179 00:06:48,081 --> 00:06:49,447 Jess, we have four hours. 180 00:06:51,118 --> 00:06:53,051 What are they doing? 181 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,486 What are they doing? 182 00:06:54,554 --> 00:06:55,653 What are they doing? What are they doing? 183 00:06:55,722 --> 00:06:56,654 What are they doing? What are they doing? 184 00:06:56,723 --> 00:06:58,155 What are, what are they doing? 185 00:06:58,224 --> 00:06:59,323 We're practicing our breathing. 186 00:06:59,392 --> 00:07:00,825 Oh. Oh, okay, oh, 187 00:07:00,894 --> 00:07:02,192 well, good, wonderful. 188 00:07:02,261 --> 00:07:03,661 So, you're teaching Ruth how to do the one thing 189 00:07:03,730 --> 00:07:05,329 she's known how to do since birth. 190 00:07:05,398 --> 00:07:06,998 Do you want to get one of your other teacher friends 191 00:07:07,066 --> 00:07:08,232 to prep your child for free? 192 00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:09,600 I didn't think so. 193 00:07:09,669 --> 00:07:11,168 So shut your souphole. 194 00:07:11,237 --> 00:07:13,337 Oh, look, it's Happy Sock. 195 00:07:13,406 --> 00:07:15,972 - Hi, Happy Sock. - Hi. 196 00:07:17,109 --> 00:07:18,475 See, Schmidt? 197 00:07:18,544 --> 00:07:20,210 We're not cutting circles; we're being circles. 198 00:07:20,279 --> 00:07:21,412 Right. Of course. 199 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,013 Ruth can't hold a scissor, but now she can 200 00:07:23,082 --> 00:07:25,782 twirl around like a goon at a Phish show. 201 00:07:25,851 --> 00:07:28,419 Okay, well, now you're just napping. 202 00:07:28,487 --> 00:07:31,721 We're not napping, we're going on a brain exploration. 203 00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:33,089 I take that back, actually. 204 00:07:33,158 --> 00:07:34,357 Ruth is napping. 205 00:07:34,426 --> 00:07:36,192 Okay, well, that's enough, Jess. 206 00:07:36,261 --> 00:07:38,194 You're sending Ruth straight to Triangles. You hear that? 207 00:07:38,263 --> 00:07:40,630 That's the schoolyard chickens. 208 00:07:40,699 --> 00:07:43,366 And they're... and they're pecking at Ruth. 209 00:07:43,435 --> 00:07:44,367 And this time, they want her eyes. 210 00:07:44,436 --> 00:07:46,902 I need my eyes for TV. 211 00:07:46,971 --> 00:07:48,538 Oh, honey, don't you worry about a thing, okay? 212 00:07:48,606 --> 00:07:50,039 Daddy's gonna take over now. 213 00:07:50,108 --> 00:07:53,042 But the clock is a-ticking, so let's start with a drill. 214 00:07:53,111 --> 00:07:56,279 - No. No drills. - DRILL is an acronym. 215 00:07:56,347 --> 00:07:58,047 Do it. R: Redo it. 216 00:07:58,116 --> 00:07:59,382 Imitate what you just did. 217 00:07:59,451 --> 00:08:00,883 Learn to keep doing it. 218 00:08:00,952 --> 00:08:02,718 Live the rest of your life doing it. 219 00:08:02,787 --> 00:08:04,053 DRILL, DRILL, DRILL. 220 00:08:04,121 --> 00:08:05,554 Technically, that's an acrostic. 221 00:08:05,623 --> 00:08:07,389 Sweet burn, Jess. 222 00:08:07,458 --> 00:08:10,416 Yeah. You got me. DRILL. 223 00:08:12,049 --> 00:08:13,150 And again. 224 00:08:13,175 --> 00:08:15,963 Red, yellow, orange, green. 225 00:08:16,016 --> 00:08:20,742 And that is how you earn a dollar in America. 226 00:08:20,776 --> 00:08:23,456 She's not your child, she's not your child... 227 00:08:23,519 --> 00:08:25,645 Okay, Ruth, we're gonna do the colors one more time, and then, 228 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:27,347 we're gonna move on to a section that I like to call 229 00:08:27,416 --> 00:08:29,050 "Get the numbers right, and Daddy will give you 230 00:08:29,105 --> 00:08:30,050 a stuffed animal." 231 00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:31,717 Here we go. 232 00:08:31,786 --> 00:08:35,655 Red, yellow, orange, Denise. 233 00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:37,057 - Yes. - I'm sorry. Uh... 234 00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,724 Did you just call green "Denise"? 235 00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:41,727 Yes. The color's name is Denise. 236 00:08:41,796 --> 00:08:43,696 Well, I hope you're happy. The interview is in an hour, 237 00:08:43,765 --> 00:08:45,364 and now green is Denise. 238 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:47,567 Green is whatever she wants it to be. 239 00:08:47,635 --> 00:08:49,234 Green is whatever I want it to be. 240 00:08:49,303 --> 00:08:50,703 - Huh. - Green could be Denise 241 00:08:50,772 --> 00:08:52,805 or Juanita or Jerry. 242 00:08:52,874 --> 00:08:54,574 I just realized... 243 00:08:54,642 --> 00:08:57,242 - ... green is Jerry, for me. - Green is not Jerry for me. 244 00:08:57,311 --> 00:09:00,245 Are you and Aunt Jess in a fight? 245 00:09:00,314 --> 00:09:02,747 Oh, no, no, no. Uh, we're just telling stories. 246 00:09:02,816 --> 00:09:04,916 Uh, once upon a time, there was a fuzzy bunny 247 00:09:04,986 --> 00:09:07,152 who decided that colors didn't need names, 248 00:09:07,221 --> 00:09:08,753 and anything could be called anything, 249 00:09:08,822 --> 00:09:10,422 and the world descended into chaos. 250 00:09:10,491 --> 00:09:12,823 But the bunny was happy, because the bunny wasn't forced 251 00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:15,360 - into somebody else's definition of color. - Well, the fuzzy bunny 252 00:09:15,428 --> 00:09:17,315 wasn't really an authority, now, was she? 253 00:09:17,385 --> 00:09:20,301 Because she used to work at a school where instead of grades, 254 00:09:20,379 --> 00:09:21,715 they gave out rainbows. 255 00:09:21,785 --> 00:09:23,842 Bringing up the bunny's past is uncalled for 256 00:09:23,904 --> 00:09:26,371 in this cabbage patch. But the point is: 257 00:09:26,439 --> 00:09:30,141 I know about private schools, and the whole system is corrupt. 258 00:09:30,210 --> 00:09:32,450 Said the very fuzzy bunny. 259 00:09:32,512 --> 00:09:35,279 Until the Jewish carrot farmer brought down his mighty shovel. 260 00:09:35,348 --> 00:09:36,981 The whole system is corrupt. 261 00:09:37,050 --> 00:09:38,782 - What's going on? - Your friend 262 00:09:38,851 --> 00:09:42,173 - is costing us Washington. - Why didn't you marry Shivrang? 263 00:09:42,243 --> 00:09:43,454 Ruth, is that coffee? 264 00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:45,923 - Yep. - Okay, there is a child here. 265 00:09:45,992 --> 00:09:47,158 I'm gonna take her to the bedroom right now 266 00:09:47,227 --> 00:09:48,978 so she can watch local news bloopers. 267 00:09:49,064 --> 00:09:50,360 I don't know why she likes them so much. 268 00:09:50,429 --> 00:09:53,543 They're blowing their big shot. 269 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,776 Okay. All right honey, let's go. 270 00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:56,967 Bye, honey. 271 00:09:57,036 --> 00:09:58,736 Mm-hmm. Talk to you later. 272 00:09:58,804 --> 00:10:00,137 Bye, Ruth. Great job. 273 00:10:00,205 --> 00:10:02,305 Green is green. 274 00:10:02,374 --> 00:10:04,641 - You did this. You did this. - You did this. You did this. 275 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,412 - You did this. - You did this. 276 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,413 Are we still on this? 277 00:10:09,481 --> 00:10:10,414 When are you gonna let this go? 278 00:10:10,482 --> 00:10:11,981 When you come clean, Detective. 279 00:10:12,051 --> 00:10:13,857 There is nothing to come clean about. 280 00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:15,485 Wait, aren't you 11 pages away 281 00:10:15,554 --> 00:10:16,486 from getting punched in the face? 282 00:10:16,555 --> 00:10:18,055 Oh, just answer the question. 283 00:10:18,123 --> 00:10:21,323 Does or does not the evidence speak for itself? 284 00:10:21,392 --> 00:10:23,325 Do I need to refresh your memory, sir? 285 00:10:23,394 --> 00:10:26,696 I didn't phone ahead to warn you of my arrival. 286 00:10:26,765 --> 00:10:29,438 I just thought it would be fun to surprise you at college. 287 00:10:29,485 --> 00:10:30,824 It was fun. 288 00:10:30,867 --> 00:10:31,836 Well, it should have been fun. 289 00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:35,400 - A man in front of a computer... - No... 290 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:36,568 I was checking my EarthLink. 291 00:10:36,638 --> 00:10:37,869 With no pants on. 292 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,771 You know my bottoms run hot! 293 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,406 Tissues suspiciously close. 294 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,408 They were Doug's. 295 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:44,943 Lotion. One sock. 296 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,278 Ashy elbows. Cold left foot. 297 00:10:46,347 --> 00:10:48,008 Look, why am I explaining this to you? 298 00:10:48,094 --> 00:10:50,282 You're the one who's supposed to be writing right now. 299 00:10:50,351 --> 00:10:51,916 You know what I figured out? 300 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,418 You are a procrastinator. 301 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,719 Said the pro-masturbator. 302 00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:55,954 You always procrastinate when something 303 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,122 is important to you. 304 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,039 And you know how I know? 305 00:10:59,219 --> 00:11:01,934 January 12, 2001. 306 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,928 - Damn you. - You drove eight hours across 307 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,429 the country to come see me at college, 308 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,266 to ask me if I have seen A Bug's Life. 309 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,567 - Oh... - A Bug's Life. 310 00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,135 The weekend before your midterms. 311 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,470 You son of a bitch! 312 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,441 Focus. 313 00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,312 Oh, I got to pick that up. 314 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:22,613 Whoa! 315 00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,118 It's been a while though, hasn't it? 316 00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,487 You should have appreciated the fact that your friend hitchhiked 317 00:11:30,556 --> 00:11:32,956 across the country to visit you. 318 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,192 You're a procrastinator. 319 00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,460 You want to know why you procrastinate? I'll tell you. 320 00:11:37,529 --> 00:11:38,495 But you didn't give me a chance to answer. 321 00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:39,496 How am I supposed to answer 322 00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:40,998 if not given the chance? 323 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,466 - Fine. Answer. - It's a vague question. 324 00:11:43,535 --> 00:11:45,101 It's not a vague question. Why do you procrastinate? 325 00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,170 - I don't know. - Nick, you procrastinate 326 00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:50,039 when something is important to you, because deep down, 327 00:11:50,108 --> 00:11:52,141 you're don't think you're good enough to get it done. 328 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,644 That's the dumbest thing I've... 329 00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:56,179 It's also... that's possibly true, 330 00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:58,315 because that really feels like what I do when I... 331 00:11:58,383 --> 00:11:59,816 Keep going, you're in a good zone. 332 00:11:59,884 --> 00:12:01,483 So, of course, when you actually get the opportunity 333 00:12:01,552 --> 00:12:03,652 to write something about your own life, 334 00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,680 the first thing you do is choke. 335 00:12:05,727 --> 00:12:07,156 You know how I know? 336 00:12:07,225 --> 00:12:09,625 Well, because for some reason, I'm your oldest friend. 337 00:12:09,694 --> 00:12:12,361 So I hope you get punched in the face today. 338 00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:14,097 I really do. 339 00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:16,165 And then maybe, you'll finally see 340 00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:20,168 that you are good enough to be everything you want to be. 341 00:12:22,573 --> 00:12:23,972 You masturbated one time. 342 00:12:24,041 --> 00:12:26,342 I swear to God, Nick. 343 00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:29,077 If I wasn't kicked off of Craigslist... 344 00:12:33,817 --> 00:12:36,384 Schmidt, you look like you're gonna be sick. 345 00:12:36,453 --> 00:12:38,854 Remember, they've only been on the planet for three years. 346 00:12:38,922 --> 00:12:42,557 Oh, God. Is that kid reading Jonathan Franzen? 347 00:12:42,626 --> 00:12:45,293 Wow, this place is like the frickin' Louvre. 348 00:12:45,362 --> 00:12:47,528 There's a kid handing out mints in the bathroom. 349 00:12:47,597 --> 00:12:49,697 Well, then, why'd you come? To see your liberal snowflake 350 00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:52,400 - hippie trash handiwork? - No. I came for Ruth. 351 00:12:52,469 --> 00:12:54,535 And in silent protest against 352 00:12:54,604 --> 00:12:56,937 institutions such as this hellhole. 353 00:12:57,006 --> 00:12:59,039 But it's quicker to say "for Ruth." 354 00:12:59,108 --> 00:13:01,108 - You are a queer little woman. - Guys, tighten up. All right? 355 00:13:01,177 --> 00:13:03,043 They started assessing us the minute we parked the car. 356 00:13:03,112 --> 00:13:05,413 - Xiawuhao. - What? 357 00:13:05,482 --> 00:13:06,781 That's "good afternoon" in Mandarin. 358 00:13:06,849 --> 00:13:08,872 Just a little amuse-bouche for the judges. 359 00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:11,083 I also brought an actual amuse-bouche. 360 00:13:11,146 --> 00:13:13,458 It's a crostini with burrata and tomato. 361 00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:14,755 Doesn't that sound yummy, Schmidt? 362 00:13:14,824 --> 00:13:16,857 Back off, Benjamin. Your burrata doesn't scare me. 363 00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:19,226 - I think it does. - It kind of scares me. 364 00:13:19,295 --> 00:13:21,561 Ruth, just ignore them. You're gonna do great in there, okay? 365 00:13:21,630 --> 00:13:22,562 Feeling good? 366 00:13:22,631 --> 00:13:24,030 Meow. 367 00:13:24,099 --> 00:13:26,667 Ha! She just said "meow." 368 00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:31,438 Okay. Kids, 369 00:13:31,507 --> 00:13:33,072 you can go inside. And parents, 370 00:13:33,141 --> 00:13:34,974 you'll be watching from a two-way mirror, 371 00:13:35,043 --> 00:13:36,777 which was a generous gift from a family 372 00:13:36,845 --> 00:13:39,412 that's too powerful to name. 373 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,281 It's Tate Donovan. 374 00:13:41,349 --> 00:13:44,117 - Oof. - All right. Let's go. 375 00:13:44,186 --> 00:13:45,910 - Let's hit it. - Okay, you ready, honey? 376 00:13:45,996 --> 00:13:47,043 Remember what we talked about. 377 00:13:47,097 --> 00:13:48,801 ROYGBIV. Red, orange, yellow... 378 00:13:48,890 --> 00:13:51,683 Schmidt, she's got it. Okay? You're gonna do great in there. 379 00:13:51,754 --> 00:13:52,926 You're gonna bring the heat, aren't you, Ruth? 380 00:13:53,002 --> 00:13:55,749 Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do. 381 00:13:55,796 --> 00:13:57,226 - Oh, dear God. - Okay. 382 00:13:59,335 --> 00:14:02,331 - Please state your name, sir. - So... 383 00:14:04,059 --> 00:14:06,550 I'm Winston Bottoms. 384 00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:07,894 Uh, Winston I Was Wearing Bottoms. 385 00:14:07,965 --> 00:14:09,598 Damn it. S-I'm sorry to curse. 386 00:14:09,666 --> 00:14:11,799 I didn't mean... uh, that's... I know my name. 387 00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:13,951 Let's just get that... let the record show that. 388 00:14:14,037 --> 00:14:16,570 When you do your thing. And um... 389 00:14:16,639 --> 00:14:20,308 I'm Detective Bottoms. 390 00:14:20,377 --> 00:14:21,909 Are you okay, sir? 391 00:14:21,978 --> 00:14:23,911 Ha. I'm-I'm... yes, sir, I'm sorry, um... 392 00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:26,547 My lower half has got the sweats. 393 00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:29,583 I'd like to put in a request for a wet wipe. 394 00:14:29,652 --> 00:14:31,051 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 395 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,253 if anyone has a wet wipe, I will gladly 396 00:14:33,322 --> 00:14:36,924 receive said wet wipe and clean off my lower half. 397 00:14:36,993 --> 00:14:39,593 Your Honor, may I request a recess? 398 00:14:39,662 --> 00:14:41,829 Come on, Miller, churn out the magic. 399 00:14:41,898 --> 00:14:44,197 Come on. Let's get started. Let's go. 400 00:14:44,266 --> 00:14:48,101 "Nick Miller grew up in Chicago. 401 00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:52,439 "He came from a family. He hated Winston. 402 00:14:52,508 --> 00:14:54,941 "Winston was really annoying. 403 00:14:55,010 --> 00:14:57,610 In a lot of ways, Winston is still annoying, but..." 404 00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:00,279 It's supposed to be about me! 405 00:15:00,348 --> 00:15:02,815 Stupid Winston, it's sup... 406 00:15:02,884 --> 00:15:06,085 I'm screwed, I only have six pages. What time is it? 407 00:15:06,154 --> 00:15:07,987 Mmm... 3:01. 408 00:15:08,056 --> 00:15:10,423 3:01. I'm screwed. 409 00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,127 It was you. 410 00:15:15,196 --> 00:15:17,296 Craigslist, bitch! 411 00:15:17,365 --> 00:15:19,798 It was always you. 412 00:15:22,403 --> 00:15:25,950 Wow, Stuart really nailed the face-drawing portion. 413 00:15:25,998 --> 00:15:29,203 He included eyelashes and expressive eyebrows. 414 00:15:29,272 --> 00:15:31,539 Must you narrate? The whole point 415 00:15:31,608 --> 00:15:34,875 of the audio-enhanced plexiglass is that I can hear on my own. 416 00:15:34,944 --> 00:15:37,666 Oh, boy, it's circle-cutting time. 417 00:15:37,744 --> 00:15:40,197 Miss Carly is handing the scissors to Ruth. 418 00:15:40,252 --> 00:15:41,481 Ruth is taking the scissors. 419 00:15:41,550 --> 00:15:42,883 Ruth is starting to use the scissors. 420 00:15:42,952 --> 00:15:44,283 Don't tell me what she's doing. 421 00:15:44,338 --> 00:15:46,553 Actually, you know what? Tell me. Never tell me. 422 00:15:46,622 --> 00:15:48,026 Forget it, this is a disaster, we should go. 423 00:15:48,051 --> 00:15:49,884 Ruth S. 424 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:53,260 Your circle is perfect. 425 00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:54,761 - I knew it. - I want to buy her things. 426 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,729 I want to buy her lots and lots of things. 427 00:15:56,798 --> 00:15:59,732 Suck it, Benjamin! Your bouche just got amused. 428 00:15:59,801 --> 00:16:02,435 But what if it's not a circle, Miss Carly? 429 00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,400 - No! - What if it's a moon, 430 00:16:04,447 --> 00:16:06,839 and it's sad 'cause it's daytime? 431 00:16:06,908 --> 00:16:09,375 What a colossal crap of the bed. 432 00:16:09,443 --> 00:16:11,878 Ruth S, wonderful imagination. 433 00:16:11,946 --> 00:16:14,346 You just earned three tadpoles. 434 00:16:14,415 --> 00:16:16,248 - Three tadpoles! - Three frigging tadpoles! 435 00:16:16,324 --> 00:16:17,713 Everyone, right here. 436 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,319 You know what got her those three t-poles? 437 00:16:20,388 --> 00:16:21,554 Hippie-dippy mishegas. 438 00:16:21,622 --> 00:16:22,954 Well, she couldn't cut 439 00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:24,256 a perfect circle without your 440 00:16:24,325 --> 00:16:26,525 cold-blooded demand for excellence. 441 00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:30,196 Is it possible that after all of this time fighting, 442 00:16:30,264 --> 00:16:33,265 that, together, we're the perfect parent? 443 00:16:33,334 --> 00:16:36,435 - I mean, look, you're sweet. - You're salty. 444 00:16:36,504 --> 00:16:38,637 Excuse me, she lived inside of me, ya jerks. 445 00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:41,239 No. No, Stuart! 446 00:16:41,308 --> 00:16:42,808 Oh... 447 00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:44,142 That's an oval! 448 00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:45,510 Oh, well, looky over there. 449 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,447 What is this? Huh? 450 00:16:49,516 --> 00:16:51,249 I don't love you anymore! 451 00:16:51,318 --> 00:16:52,650 Oval's for losers. 452 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,820 Hey. Your name is Denise now. 453 00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:57,788 What? No, it's not, Schmidt's kid. 454 00:16:57,857 --> 00:16:59,757 Piccolo! Piccolo! 455 00:16:59,826 --> 00:17:02,261 Piccolo! Piccolo! 456 00:17:02,323 --> 00:17:03,994 All right, I heard you. 457 00:17:04,063 --> 00:17:06,163 Too much pressure. He's a kid, Denise. 458 00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,011 - Oh boy. - Why is she calling everybody Denise? 459 00:17:08,081 --> 00:17:10,968 The whole system is corrupt. Meow! 460 00:17:25,551 --> 00:17:28,485 They jammed the damn door shut with a piccolo. 461 00:17:30,222 --> 00:17:31,488 Meow! 462 00:17:58,616 --> 00:18:02,090 Schmidt-Stain! Help me! 463 00:18:04,957 --> 00:18:06,525 Oh, God. 464 00:18:09,275 --> 00:18:10,407 Losing confidence? 465 00:18:10,477 --> 00:18:11,662 Nick, what are you doing here, man? 466 00:18:11,740 --> 00:18:13,973 I came to thank you. I got punched in the face, 467 00:18:14,081 --> 00:18:16,281 and I gotta say, it set me free. 468 00:18:16,349 --> 00:18:18,516 Check it out, man. 20 pages. 469 00:18:18,585 --> 00:18:21,052 And they're all good. Some of them are good. 470 00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:23,021 Five pages are good. 471 00:18:23,090 --> 00:18:25,390 - I really like the title. - I'm proud of you, man. 472 00:18:25,458 --> 00:18:26,391 I couldn't have done it without you. 473 00:18:26,459 --> 00:18:27,659 - Aw, stop. - Honestly. 474 00:18:27,727 --> 00:18:30,194 You push me, man, you always have. 475 00:18:30,263 --> 00:18:33,364 I don't know who I would've been if I hadn't have met you. 476 00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:36,534 - Chicago, man. - Chicago. 477 00:18:36,603 --> 00:18:37,835 Tough love, man. Chicago. 478 00:18:37,904 --> 00:18:39,170 - Let's go see the Bean. - What? 479 00:18:39,238 --> 00:18:41,038 I-I don't know. I don't know why I said that. 480 00:18:41,107 --> 00:18:42,781 - Winston, I came here to punch you. - Okay. 481 00:18:42,875 --> 00:18:45,676 Punch you with my truth fist in your guilt nuts. 482 00:18:45,744 --> 00:18:48,045 Okay? And I'm gonna punch your nuts hard. 483 00:18:48,114 --> 00:18:49,746 - Okay. - How long you been working this case? 484 00:18:49,816 --> 00:18:51,548 Long time, man. Months. 485 00:18:51,573 --> 00:18:53,397 And does anybody know it better than you? 486 00:18:53,422 --> 00:18:54,451 Nobody. 487 00:18:54,486 --> 00:18:57,221 Then why don't you have the confidence to take the stand? 488 00:18:57,290 --> 00:18:59,186 The problem is, is you still see yourself 489 00:18:59,241 --> 00:19:00,957 as that 10-year-old boy 490 00:19:01,026 --> 00:19:04,394 who fainted the first time you went rollerblading. 491 00:19:04,463 --> 00:19:05,696 You rolled right into Lake Michigan. 492 00:19:05,764 --> 00:19:06,930 That did wake me up. 493 00:19:06,998 --> 00:19:08,231 But you're not that kid. 494 00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:09,766 You're a detective now. 495 00:19:09,835 --> 00:19:11,901 Married to the love of your life. 496 00:19:11,970 --> 00:19:14,738 You have a child on the way. 497 00:19:14,807 --> 00:19:16,406 Unburden yourself, Winston. 498 00:19:16,475 --> 00:19:18,607 Now, I'm going to ask you one last time. 499 00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:20,776 Did you or did you not masturbate? 500 00:19:20,846 --> 00:19:23,713 I. Did. Not. 501 00:19:23,781 --> 00:19:25,681 - Damn it, Detective. - I didn't. 502 00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:28,451 Detective? 503 00:19:28,519 --> 00:19:31,921 Did you have intent to pleasure yourself? 504 00:19:31,990 --> 00:19:32,922 I did. 505 00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:45,601 Niiiick! 506 00:19:47,004 --> 00:19:48,738 I did have the intent, man. 507 00:19:48,806 --> 00:19:50,939 But you know how it is when you're a hot-blooded 508 00:19:51,008 --> 00:19:52,307 Chicago teenager, man. 509 00:19:52,376 --> 00:19:53,942 Oh, yeah. 510 00:19:54,011 --> 00:19:55,244 But it's over now. 511 00:19:55,312 --> 00:19:56,745 Wow. Man, I feel better. 512 00:19:56,813 --> 00:19:58,232 - Of course you do. - I feel a lot better. 513 00:19:58,295 --> 00:19:59,956 Get in here, man. Chicago. 514 00:20:00,017 --> 00:20:01,917 - Chicago. - Chicago. 515 00:20:01,986 --> 00:20:06,054 Detective, recess is over. We're ready for you now. 516 00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:08,289 I wanted to pleasure myself, 517 00:20:08,358 --> 00:20:10,291 and this man helped me get there. 518 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,894 - Aw, you did it on your own. - Oh, no, you helped me. 519 00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:14,662 No, you did it on your own. 520 00:20:14,731 --> 00:20:15,963 Okay, I did it on my own. 521 00:20:16,032 --> 00:20:17,866 - Chicago. - Chicago. 522 00:20:20,036 --> 00:20:23,170 I really hope the paramedics got that piccolo 523 00:20:23,239 --> 00:20:25,072 - out of Miss Carly. - Oh, I doubt it. 524 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,641 The doctor at the hospital said that 525 00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:30,844 Benjamin will have a permanent smile. 526 00:20:30,914 --> 00:20:32,091 Like the Joker. 527 00:20:32,169 --> 00:20:33,814 You guys, I'm so sorry. This is my fault. 528 00:20:33,883 --> 00:20:35,082 I'm just not cut out for this 529 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,517 dog-eat-dog private school world. 530 00:20:36,585 --> 00:20:38,152 You should have never asked me for help. 531 00:20:38,221 --> 00:20:39,853 - No, honey, it's okay. - It was mostly your fault. 532 00:20:39,922 --> 00:20:41,288 You guys made such a cool kid. 533 00:20:41,356 --> 00:20:43,156 I mean, she's crazy and she's strong, 534 00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:46,026 and she's going to be exactly who she wants to be 535 00:20:46,094 --> 00:20:47,895 no matter what any of us say. 536 00:20:49,632 --> 00:20:51,732 Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do. 537 00:20:51,801 --> 00:20:53,867 Maybe we just need to get out of her way. 538 00:20:53,936 --> 00:20:55,168 Ruth, honey. 539 00:20:55,580 --> 00:20:57,867 What school do you want to go to? 540 00:20:59,674 --> 00:21:02,375 Ugh. That boy is grooming Ruth like a cat. 541 00:21:02,444 --> 00:21:04,677 She looks so happy. 542 00:21:04,746 --> 00:21:07,047 - Again! - Chicken! Hey, you. Yeah. Chicken. 543 00:21:07,115 --> 00:21:10,850 You and me are gonna be friends. 544 00:21:10,919 --> 00:21:12,718 - Oh. Well, hey. - You came! 545 00:21:12,787 --> 00:21:16,159 Yeah, we wanted to see Ruth's new school. 546 00:21:16,758 --> 00:21:18,357 It's dingy. 547 00:21:18,426 --> 00:21:21,427 Daddy, come drink from the garden hose. 548 00:21:24,231 --> 00:21:26,031 Okay, guys, 549 00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:28,133 if I'm gonna put my mouth on a dirty rubber tube, 550 00:21:28,202 --> 00:21:30,713 so are all of you... let's go. 551 00:21:30,738 --> 00:21:31,688 I don't wanna do that. 552 00:21:31,713 --> 00:21:33,105 - Come on. - I don't wanna do that. 553 00:21:33,174 --> 00:21:34,673 - Drink, Daddy, drink. - Hello, Mr. Triangles. 554 00:21:34,741 --> 00:21:35,907 Well, ma'am, let me get in there. 555 00:21:35,976 --> 00:21:37,576 All right! Get the germs. 556 00:21:37,636 --> 00:21:39,832 - Here I go. - Drink it. 557 00:21:39,903 --> 00:21:41,746 - Drink it, Schmidty. - Here I go. 558 00:21:41,815 --> 00:21:43,348 Here I go. 559 00:21:43,416 --> 00:21:45,584 - Yeah! - There you go. 560 00:21:50,056 --> 00:21:51,189 Yuck! 561 00:21:51,257 --> 00:21:53,091 Triangle water is chicken water! 562 00:21:53,183 --> 00:21:56,783 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com