1
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,863
Coach said he should make it
in time for the service.

2
00:00:38,931 --> 00:00:40,865
So at least it'll be nice to see him.

3
00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:42,267
Mm-hmm.

4
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:45,303
- You okay?
- Yeah.

5
00:00:45,371 --> 00:00:48,840
This is gonna be hard.

6
00:00:52,711 --> 00:00:55,613
I don't know what I would do
if I lost you.

7
00:01:24,743 --> 00:01:28,580
Truly insane, this whole thing.

8
00:01:36,503 --> 00:01:37,936
Sorry for the holdup.

9
00:01:37,993 --> 00:01:39,858
Ever since I hit my third trimester,

10
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:42,160
I've been having the most
intense gas cramps.

11
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:44,446
Thank you for coming.

12
00:01:44,540 --> 00:01:47,532
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming.

13
00:01:50,302 --> 00:01:52,937
It's hard to believe
it's been a whole year

14
00:01:53,005 --> 00:01:54,839
since Furguson's departure.

15
00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:59,210
As you all know from my many
e-mails and a sponsored tweet,

16
00:01:59,278 --> 00:02:01,913
I looked at Furguson as Jewish.

17
00:02:01,981 --> 00:02:06,417
So, in the Jewish tradition,
we unveil his gravestone

18
00:02:06,485 --> 00:02:09,387
on the first anniversary of his passing.

19
00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:15,994
Furgie accomplished a lot
in his time on Earth...

20
00:02:16,061 --> 00:02:19,764
eating, sleeping, walking around,

21
00:02:19,832 --> 00:02:21,599
doing that thing with his paw.

22
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:23,201
You know, where he
licked it a whole bunch?

23
00:02:24,503 --> 00:02:26,471
Yeah, he lived a full life.

24
00:02:26,539 --> 00:02:29,707
Schmidt, will you begin the service?

25
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:32,076
Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba.

26
00:02:32,144 --> 00:02:34,546
- Amen.
- Amen.

27
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:38,228
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

28
00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:42,854
Thank you, Hannah. Good to see you.

29
00:02:42,922 --> 00:02:47,258
Just want to say
I'm so sorry for your loss.

30
00:02:47,326 --> 00:02:48,626
I made a casserole.

31
00:02:48,694 --> 00:02:50,028
Can I have it?

32
00:02:50,095 --> 00:02:52,197
Y-Yeah, that's why I brought it. Here.

33
00:02:52,264 --> 00:02:53,631
- Mmm.
- You like my shirt?

34
00:02:53,699 --> 00:02:55,667
- It's got cats on it.
- Oh, yeah.

35
00:02:55,734 --> 00:02:57,368
- A lot of cats on there.
- You know how you like

36
00:02:57,436 --> 00:03:00,038
bird shirts, this one has...
this one has cats.

37
00:03:00,105 --> 00:03:01,439
Oh, I actually wear fish shirts now.

38
00:03:01,507 --> 00:03:03,708
I'm trying so hard, man.

39
00:03:03,776 --> 00:03:05,543
You know, I can't believe
it's been a year.

40
00:03:05,611 --> 00:03:08,146
I mean, Winston's handled this
really well.

41
00:03:08,214 --> 00:03:10,048
Too well. He hasn't cried once.

42
00:03:10,115 --> 00:03:12,150
He hasn't had the cry yet?

43
00:03:12,218 --> 00:03:13,585
If he doesn't have
the cry today, I'm worried

44
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,386
he's gonna have a full mental breakdown.

45
00:03:15,454 --> 00:03:17,061
- Gooby! Gooby! Gooby!
- Hey, Coach.

46
00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:18,928
- So good to see you.
- Good to see you.

47
00:03:18,983 --> 00:03:20,458
I'm gonna need you to change,

48
00:03:20,526 --> 00:03:22,026
'cause I was really specific
about the dress code

49
00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:23,428
in the invitation.

50
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:24,996
Could I say hi to everybody first?

51
00:03:25,064 --> 00:03:26,598
- I don't love it, but I'll allow it.
- Hey, guys!

52
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,633
- Player. Playette!
- Hey.

53
00:03:28,701 --> 00:03:31,102
- Player.
- Hey, Coach.

54
00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,338
- Gooby.
- Coach, good to see you, man.

55
00:03:33,405 --> 00:03:34,939
What kind of adult man wouldn't be here

56
00:03:35,007 --> 00:03:37,465
to support another adult man
a year after his cat died?

57
00:03:37,528 --> 00:03:40,178
Yeah, I thought it was important
to have a memorial.

58
00:03:40,246 --> 00:03:41,946
But you can thank Jess for everything

59
00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:43,314
looking so amazing.

60
00:03:43,382 --> 00:03:45,083
It was my vision, but she ran with it.

61
00:03:45,150 --> 00:03:47,619
Well, he was a good cat, he
would have done the same for me.

62
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:48,953
Maybe after you're finished
with all this,

63
00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:50,121
we can go get you a replacement cat

64
00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:51,923
to replace, um...

65
00:03:51,991 --> 00:03:53,358
What's, uh, what's his name? Um...

66
00:03:53,425 --> 00:03:55,426
Cat's name is Furguson,
you friggin' jackass.

67
00:03:55,494 --> 00:03:57,462
Hey, that was so not under your breath.

68
00:03:57,529 --> 00:03:58,896
- Oh, sorry, I didn't mean for him to hear.
- Anyway,

69
00:03:58,964 --> 00:04:00,798
you know, Furguson was
the only cat for me.

70
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,134
I'd adopt one of those
Peruvian kids for 70 cents a day

71
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,103
before I adopt another cat.

72
00:04:05,170 --> 00:04:07,171
I think there's a world
in which you can do both.

73
00:04:07,239 --> 00:04:08,840
Those-those kids need food.

74
00:04:08,907 --> 00:04:11,276
And why rule out another cat?
Furguson's not always

75
00:04:11,343 --> 00:04:12,644
gonna seem irreplaceable.

76
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:14,045
I mean, it's already been a year.

77
00:04:14,113 --> 00:04:15,213
Uh, a year?

78
00:04:15,281 --> 00:04:17,005
Is a year a long time to you?

79
00:04:17,075 --> 00:04:20,018
How long would you wait before
you replaced me if I died?

80
00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:21,419
Okay, this seems like a

81
00:04:21,487 --> 00:04:22,820
"on the ride home" kind of conversation.

82
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,022
I am not gonna get into this.

83
00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:27,191
'Scuse me, I'm gonna get into this.

84
00:04:27,259 --> 00:04:29,193
Um, Winston, Aly,
do you want to help me,

85
00:04:29,261 --> 00:04:31,763
um, hand out schedules
for the Furguson tributes?

86
00:04:31,830 --> 00:04:33,097
Um, I kind of just want to sit.

87
00:04:33,165 --> 00:04:34,265
Great, let's go.

88
00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:36,834
Uh, this says 3:20 to 3:40.

89
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,569
I got 20 minutes to talk about a cat?

90
00:04:38,637 --> 00:04:39,871
Yeah, didn't you read the e-mail?

91
00:04:39,938 --> 00:04:41,506
We all have 20 minutes to talk cat.

92
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,074
What a bad friend you are, man.

93
00:04:43,142 --> 00:04:44,142
- What a bad friend.
- You know what?

94
00:04:44,209 --> 00:04:45,510
Keep it up, ham-calves.

95
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:46,645
You called me "ham-calves"?

96
00:04:46,670 --> 00:04:50,815
- What is going on with you two?
- Nothing.

97
00:04:50,883 --> 00:04:54,252
What did I state clearly
in the program? No beefs.

98
00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:59,190
- Thanks.
- Let me ask you a question.

99
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,258
Uh-huh.

100
00:05:00,326 --> 00:05:01,259
We're at my funeral.

101
00:05:01,327 --> 00:05:02,894
"Ka-thunk" goes my coffin.

102
00:05:02,961 --> 00:05:04,395
Shovel dirt, shovel dirt, shovel dirt.

103
00:05:04,463 --> 00:05:06,931
You wipe the schmutz off
your pretty black dress,

104
00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:09,133
and stopwatch is ticking.

105
00:05:09,201 --> 00:05:10,401
How long do you wait to remarry?

106
00:05:10,469 --> 00:05:11,769
I don't know, three years.

107
00:05:11,837 --> 00:05:13,538
Three years? Three year...

108
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,206
Not even a full presidential?

109
00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:17,775
Your new husband would still
be finding my bobby pins

110
00:05:17,843 --> 00:05:19,477
in couch cushions.

111
00:05:19,545 --> 00:05:21,879
Uh, h-hello? Uh, h-hello, everyone.

112
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,415
I am Dunston, Winston's coworker,

113
00:05:24,483 --> 00:05:27,585
and I have been asked
to officiate this memorial.

114
00:05:27,653 --> 00:05:29,921
Oops. Yeah, sorry, sorry about that.

115
00:05:29,988 --> 00:05:32,523
Uh, my hands lose
all strength sometimes.

116
00:05:32,591 --> 00:05:34,759
I take medication for it,
but it makes my mouth dry,

117
00:05:34,827 --> 00:05:36,627
and I wanted to be able to speak
at today's event.

118
00:05:36,695 --> 00:05:38,096
That's why I didn't take it
for the past week.

119
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,097
Also, I ran out.

120
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:40,732
So I-I guess I'll, uh...

121
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:43,568
kick things off.

122
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,236
Uh, "Pick up hand strength
medication..."

123
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,538
Oh, that's the wrong piece of paper.

124
00:05:47,606 --> 00:05:48,606
- Uh...
- Talk about the cat, man.

125
00:05:48,674 --> 00:05:49,774
The cat, the cat, that's right.

126
00:05:49,842 --> 00:05:50,942
Would you look at this?

127
00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:52,577
"Furgusson" with two Ss.

128
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:55,079
The sca-bozos at the bake shop
gunked it up again.

129
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,848
I don't know what's with everyone today.

130
00:05:56,915 --> 00:05:59,584
Schmidt won't stop asking me
what I'm gonna do when he dies,

131
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:02,453
Dr. Sam's wearing a ridiculous shirt,

132
00:06:02,521 --> 00:06:03,988
and Outside Dave is inside.

133
00:06:04,056 --> 00:06:08,006
The sky is so close,
and it's made of wood.

134
00:06:08,046 --> 00:06:10,061
- You know what the real problem is?
- Hmm?

135
00:06:10,129 --> 00:06:11,262
Nick and Coach. They're at each other

136
00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:12,964
about some stupid thing.

137
00:06:13,031 --> 00:06:15,767
I mean, Coach probably said
something pejorative about

138
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,802
Chicago football's the Bears.

139
00:06:17,870 --> 00:06:19,137
- I don't know.
- Oh, yeah? In your face.

140
00:06:19,204 --> 00:06:20,803
Are you joking?

141
00:06:20,865 --> 00:06:22,273
- That's it!
- Really?

142
00:06:22,341 --> 00:06:23,374
- You want to do this?
- Hey!

143
00:06:23,442 --> 00:06:24,942
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

144
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,644
Jess, Jess. Jess, it's actually hurting.

145
00:06:26,712 --> 00:06:28,057
Seriously, ow.

146
00:06:28,081 --> 00:06:29,719
- Ow! Watch it.
- I didn't even do anything.

147
00:06:29,744 --> 00:06:31,449
- My arm's swolt.
- That just means big.

148
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,317
No, I use it to mean sore.

149
00:06:33,385 --> 00:06:35,253
'Cause "swolt" sounds like
it should be about pain.

150
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,788
- It's onomatopoeia.
- "It's onomatopoeia."

151
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,322
- That's not how I said it.
- Shut up.

152
00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:40,525
You shut up. You looked better
a little chunky.

153
00:06:40,592 --> 00:06:42,527
Guys, whatever it is
going on between you two

154
00:06:42,594 --> 00:06:44,061
needs to end now,

155
00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:45,596
so we can go back in there

156
00:06:45,664 --> 00:06:46,964
and celebrate the life of a cat,

157
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,654
who, by the way,
loved you both like sons.

158
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:50,975
Now, what is it?

159
00:06:51,053 --> 00:06:52,503
Nick, are you mad
'cause Coach said something

160
00:06:52,571 --> 00:06:53,938
bad about wolves?

161
00:06:54,006 --> 00:06:55,506
Coach, are you mad
'cause he still thinks

162
00:06:55,574 --> 00:06:58,376
that the movie should be called
Paul Blop: Mall Cop?

163
00:06:58,444 --> 00:07:00,629
It should be. It's so close
to rhyming perfectly.

164
00:07:00,691 --> 00:07:01,813
They gave up.

165
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,781
Blart is an actual last name.

166
00:07:03,849 --> 00:07:05,850
"Blop" is a sound effect.

167
00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:07,151
I need to get out of this situation

168
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:08,186
before I get very angry.

169
00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:09,387
What is it?

170
00:07:11,089 --> 00:07:12,690
I owe him a little money.

171
00:07:12,758 --> 00:07:15,026
Oh, God, I knew it was
something stupid like that.

172
00:07:15,093 --> 00:07:17,829
Coach, pay Nick back.
Nick, forgive Coach.

173
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,297
Or you know what?

174
00:07:19,364 --> 00:07:20,998
I can pay you back. How much is it?

175
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,067
$71,000.

176
00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:26,204
Huh?

177
00:07:28,135 --> 00:07:31,190
And even though Ferguson
walked on short legs,

178
00:07:31,268 --> 00:07:33,503
he stood taller

179
00:07:33,571 --> 00:07:36,072
than any man I have ever known.

180
00:07:40,945 --> 00:07:42,078
Thank you.

181
00:07:42,146 --> 00:07:43,880
The hands.

182
00:07:43,948 --> 00:07:45,148
Sorry about that.

183
00:07:45,216 --> 00:07:46,349
Uh, please welcome to the stage

184
00:07:46,417 --> 00:07:47,751
our precinct's acappella group,

185
00:07:47,818 --> 00:07:50,720
So La Ti Do.

186
00:08:00,965 --> 00:08:02,966
Nothing? No?

187
00:08:03,034 --> 00:08:05,402
- Hmm?
- Do you remember these?

188
00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:16,679
Furguson's baby teeth.

189
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:19,349
You know, I remember when he
lost these all in the same day.

190
00:08:19,417 --> 00:08:21,584
Yeah, got into my taffy stash,
he sure did.

191
00:08:21,652 --> 00:08:24,187
Oh, dip, white chocolate raisins!

192
00:08:28,426 --> 00:08:30,260
- Those are cat teeth.
- Cat teeth.

193
00:08:30,327 --> 00:08:32,562
Cat teeth.

194
00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:34,864
- You can tell cat teeth by taste?
- Yup!

195
00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:39,903
$71,000?

196
00:08:39,970 --> 00:08:42,906
It happened when I got
my first huge Pepperwood check.

197
00:08:42,973 --> 00:08:45,575
Coach wanted to open up a gym
and-and I wanted to help.

198
00:08:45,643 --> 00:08:46,810
All right, that checks out...

199
00:08:46,877 --> 00:08:49,479
Only it wasn't a gym,
it was a restaurant,

200
00:08:49,547 --> 00:08:53,049
"Coach's Jim." J-I-M.

201
00:08:53,117 --> 00:08:55,251
It was a Ruth's Chris situation.

202
00:08:55,319 --> 00:08:56,886
They went bankrupt
before they even opened.

203
00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,188
- My money was gone.
- What?

204
00:08:58,255 --> 00:08:59,622
Coach's Jim?

205
00:08:59,690 --> 00:09:01,391
What kind of cuisine did they serve?

206
00:09:01,459 --> 00:09:04,060
And who's Jim?
And why did Coach own him?

207
00:09:04,128 --> 00:09:05,929
Anyway, I don't need to know all of it.

208
00:09:05,996 --> 00:09:08,587
Let's just, let's just
get back to Furguson, okay?

209
00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:11,101
I can't because this feels so
good getting that off my chest.

210
00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:12,936
I need to tell you everything.

211
00:09:13,003 --> 00:09:13,970
No, I don't need to know everything.

212
00:09:14,038 --> 00:09:15,705
I know, but I want to.

213
00:09:15,730 --> 00:09:16,708
Here's the thing...

214
00:09:16,763 --> 00:09:20,376
this is one that's been bogging
me down for a very long time.

215
00:09:20,444 --> 00:09:22,612
Sometimes I wear my boxers
backwards on purpose

216
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,481
because I really like
the snugness in the front,

217
00:09:24,548 --> 00:09:26,516
but I also really like
the ventilation in the back.

218
00:09:26,584 --> 00:09:28,885
That's right, I'm smushed
like a fat kid's nose

219
00:09:28,953 --> 00:09:30,753
up against the glass
of a candy store window.

220
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,100
That felt really good
to get off my chest.

221
00:09:33,154 --> 00:09:34,724
What else? What else? What else?
What else? What else?

222
00:09:34,792 --> 00:09:37,160
What about this scenario?

223
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:39,195
What if I died jumping
in front of a bullet

224
00:09:39,263 --> 00:09:40,330
with Ruth's name on it?

225
00:09:40,397 --> 00:09:43,099
I know, unthinkable scenario.

226
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,835
But what if? And what if
she's president at the time,

227
00:09:45,903 --> 00:09:49,139
then I've saved the president
and our daughter. Double hero.

228
00:09:49,206 --> 00:09:51,007
You know what? Just pick a
number you're comfortable with.

229
00:09:51,075 --> 00:09:54,310
Okay? A hundred years?
I'd wait a hundred years, okay?

230
00:09:54,378 --> 00:09:56,946
- Not okay. Not long enough.
- Are you kidding me?

231
00:09:57,014 --> 00:09:58,982
We'd both be dead of natural causes.

232
00:09:59,049 --> 00:10:03,353
Perhaps the correct answer
would be for eternity, forever.

233
00:10:03,420 --> 00:10:04,721
I don't need to know all of this.

234
00:10:04,788 --> 00:10:06,856
Let's just get back to Furguson,
back to the memorial.

235
00:10:06,924 --> 00:10:08,525
No, Jess, because you
don't keep any secrets,

236
00:10:08,592 --> 00:10:09,726
so I don't want to keep any.

237
00:10:09,793 --> 00:10:12,729
- Well...
- Jess, you are always 100% honest.

238
00:10:12,796 --> 00:10:14,230
So it's important that I am, too.

239
00:10:14,298 --> 00:10:15,899
- I mean...
- No, I want to tell you everything.

240
00:10:15,966 --> 00:10:18,168
I don't want any skeletons
on our shoulders.

241
00:10:18,235 --> 00:10:21,271
There's one skeleton for me.

242
00:10:21,338 --> 00:10:23,006
- You have a secret?
- Yeah.

243
00:10:23,073 --> 00:10:25,808
- Jessica Day has a secret.
- Don't make fun.

244
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,510
What, did you eat corn on the
cob without the little holders?

245
00:10:27,578 --> 00:10:29,012
It's actually very emotional for me.

246
00:10:29,079 --> 00:10:30,880
Oh, it is? What was
your big lie? Let's hear it.

247
00:10:30,948 --> 00:10:32,348
I killed Furguson.

248
00:10:32,416 --> 00:10:35,618
That's why I've spent
so much time on this memorial.

249
00:10:35,686 --> 00:10:39,355
One year ago, I killed Winston's cat.

250
00:10:41,258 --> 00:10:44,694
Uh, next up, we have
Nicholas Miller and Jessica Day

251
00:10:44,762 --> 00:10:47,230
coming up to read
a special Furguson poem.

252
00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:53,798
Nick and I will be performing

253
00:10:53,837 --> 00:10:56,539
a series of rhyming couplets
about our friend Furguson.

254
00:10:56,607 --> 00:11:00,076
All right!

255
00:11:01,857 --> 00:11:04,545
Furguson was a good cat, yes, indeed.

256
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:11,588
Many cat lessons from his life
you should heed.

257
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:20,296
With his proud lion mane
and his big fluffy tail...

258
00:11:20,364 --> 00:11:22,298
I mean, you think you know somebody.

259
00:11:22,366 --> 00:11:25,351
He ate all his food,
even if it was stale.

260
00:11:25,414 --> 00:11:28,916
Struttin' around with
his smushed little snout.

261
00:11:28,984 --> 00:11:32,953
He loved playing games
and he loved hiding out.

262
00:11:33,021 --> 00:11:34,599
I think I still got teeth in my teeth.

263
00:11:34,677 --> 00:11:38,266
Like the time that he hid in
the bag we brought burgers in.

264
00:11:38,327 --> 00:11:40,561
I just can't believe
my girlfriend killed Furguson.

265
00:11:43,165 --> 00:11:44,707
Nick.

266
00:11:44,732 --> 00:11:46,090
What? Did I say it?
Did I say the bad thing?

267
00:11:46,137 --> 00:11:47,735
I'm sorry, it just kind of came out.

268
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:50,938
What the man says is true.

269
00:11:51,006 --> 00:11:52,406
A year ago,

270
00:11:52,474 --> 00:11:55,176
I killed a complicated and
beautiful cat named Furguson.

271
00:11:56,745 --> 00:11:59,055
I'm so sorry, Winston.
I didn't know how to tell you.

272
00:11:59,117 --> 00:12:01,982
She's not a bad person.
She just did a bad thing.

273
00:12:02,050 --> 00:12:03,517
Don't try to save me, Nick.

274
00:12:03,585 --> 00:12:06,554
I was catsitting at the loft

275
00:12:06,621 --> 00:12:09,023
and I was doing crafts
that involved glitter.

276
00:12:09,091 --> 00:12:11,525
There was a glitter sale at Kraftwerk...

277
00:12:11,593 --> 00:12:14,829
the store, not the German band
from the '80s.

278
00:12:14,896 --> 00:12:19,633
And I spilled a bowl of purple,
and Furguson took a bite.

279
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:22,269
And an hour later,
Winston came to pick him up.

280
00:12:22,337 --> 00:12:23,437
And the next day,

281
00:12:23,505 --> 00:12:25,306
he died.

282
00:12:25,374 --> 00:12:26,974
None of this rhymes.

283
00:12:27,042 --> 00:12:29,977
I did a cat murder! I'm so sorry.

284
00:12:30,045 --> 00:12:31,345
Aw, Jess, come on.

285
00:12:33,949 --> 00:12:35,449
Let's, uh, keep this thing moving.

286
00:12:35,517 --> 00:12:38,352
Next up, we have, uh... uh, Robby.

287
00:12:41,957 --> 00:12:43,557
Uh...

288
00:12:43,625 --> 00:12:45,526
Well, I was gonna do
an interpretive dance

289
00:12:45,594 --> 00:12:48,896
as the red laser dot
that Furguson loved so much,

290
00:12:48,964 --> 00:12:50,898
but it feels a little inappropriate

291
00:12:50,966 --> 00:12:53,134
in the current climate. Um...

292
00:12:53,201 --> 00:12:56,237
- I'm so sorry, Winston.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jess, calm down.

293
00:12:56,304 --> 00:12:59,340
I talked to a cat psychic,
she said he's in a good place.

294
00:12:59,408 --> 00:13:01,342
But then she also said he's with the cat

295
00:13:01,410 --> 00:13:04,345
from Sabrina the Teenage Witch,
and I know that cat's a puppet.

296
00:13:04,413 --> 00:13:06,447
So I don't know how reliable she is.

297
00:13:06,515 --> 00:13:10,163
I'm just so sorry,
and can you ever forgive me?

298
00:13:10,241 --> 00:13:12,394
Jess, Furguson died of a heart attack.

299
00:13:12,454 --> 00:13:13,821
- What?
- Yes.

300
00:13:13,889 --> 00:13:15,623
The coroner said nothing about glitter.

301
00:13:15,690 --> 00:13:16,824
Did you say "coroner"?

302
00:13:16,892 --> 00:13:18,492
Yeah, I had a coroner check him out.

303
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,094
It was quite possibly the most bizarre

304
00:13:20,162 --> 00:13:21,829
of my small-time abuses of police power.

305
00:13:21,897 --> 00:13:23,330
Oh, please let that be true.

306
00:13:23,398 --> 00:13:25,833
My stomach has been
a brick for a year now.

307
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:28,769
- I had to go on probiotics.
- Jess, it's true.

308
00:13:28,837 --> 00:13:30,905
I was with Furguson when he passed.

309
00:13:30,972 --> 00:13:32,339
We were in the kitchen.

310
00:13:32,407 --> 00:13:35,409
Go on. Tell us. Let it out.

311
00:13:35,477 --> 00:13:39,547
So there I was,
in the kitchen toasting a bagel.

312
00:13:39,614 --> 00:13:42,383
Furguson was on the counter,
just watching.

313
00:13:42,451 --> 00:13:44,552
You can imagine what
a human toasting a bagel

314
00:13:44,619 --> 00:13:46,821
must look like to a cat: pretty crazy.

315
00:13:46,888 --> 00:13:48,088
- Really crazy.
- Yeah.

316
00:13:48,156 --> 00:13:50,791
So there he was,
just watching me, you know.

317
00:13:50,859 --> 00:13:53,194
And, um...

318
00:13:53,261 --> 00:13:55,896
And then he got this look on his face.

319
00:13:55,964 --> 00:13:58,365
And then he stepped back a little.

320
00:13:58,433 --> 00:14:03,304
And it was in that moment
that I knew something was wrong.

321
00:14:04,706 --> 00:14:08,142
And then he looked away, and, uh...

322
00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:10,311
And that was it.

323
00:14:10,378 --> 00:14:12,546
He was gone.

324
00:14:13,782 --> 00:14:15,950
I feel like I'm living this moment.

325
00:14:16,017 --> 00:14:17,952
Oh, and then the bagel was burning,

326
00:14:18,019 --> 00:14:20,488
so I had to throw that in the trash.

327
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:21,655
That didn't get him?

328
00:14:21,723 --> 00:14:22,857
What?

329
00:14:22,924 --> 00:14:24,725
Shh.

330
00:14:24,793 --> 00:14:25,993
You hear that?

331
00:14:26,061 --> 00:14:26,994
Hear what?

332
00:14:28,029 --> 00:14:29,597
I hear a meow.

333
00:14:29,664 --> 00:14:31,665
- You hear a meow?
- Shh!

334
00:14:31,733 --> 00:14:33,634
Oh, God, he's not gonna cry,
he's gonna go insane.

335
00:14:33,702 --> 00:14:35,436
Wait, wait, wait. I-I'm sorry...

336
00:14:35,504 --> 00:14:36,804
I'm hearing something. I hear a cat,

337
00:14:36,872 --> 00:14:38,439
and it is in distress.

338
00:14:38,507 --> 00:14:42,387
There is a cat in the building,
and it needs me! Meow!

339
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,808
Thank you. Please don't look over there.

340
00:14:45,872 --> 00:14:47,282
No reason to watch a grown man

341
00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:48,229
lose his mind.

342
00:14:48,258 --> 00:14:49,659
- Thank you.
- Thanks for having me.

343
00:14:49,704 --> 00:14:52,006
You have a really beautiful home.

344
00:14:52,073 --> 00:14:53,574
Meow!

345
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,272
Meow, meow, meow!

346
00:14:56,311 --> 00:14:57,866
Here, kitty cat.

347
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,313
You're a baby covered in hair...

348
00:14:59,381 --> 00:15:01,749
This is the voice I used to use
to make Furguson come to me.

349
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,484
Honey, are you sure
you're hearing a cat?

350
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:05,052
'Cause, you know,
maybe it's just a little...

351
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,320
- voice in...
- Baby, it's a cat.

352
00:15:06,388 --> 00:15:07,555
Okay? I know a meow when I hear one.

353
00:15:07,622 --> 00:15:09,090
Guys, can you help us

354
00:15:09,157 --> 00:15:11,692
"look for the cat,"
so I can talk to Winston?

355
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:13,761
Good call. Jess and I will
check the back office.

356
00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:16,263
Kitty, Kitty, where are you?

357
00:15:16,331 --> 00:15:18,065
Oh, look! Cat poop.

358
00:15:18,133 --> 00:15:19,867
Uh, it's still warm.

359
00:15:20,831 --> 00:15:21,936
Do you want to take a break from looking

360
00:15:22,003 --> 00:15:23,721
- for a fake cat?
- Yes.

361
00:15:23,772 --> 00:15:25,439
I hid something in here
when I used to own the place.

362
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:27,274
Check this. Aw, it's still here.

363
00:15:27,342 --> 00:15:29,743
- Ah-ha-ha!
- Ah-ha-ha.

364
00:15:29,811 --> 00:15:32,179
Hey, I'm so sorry I lied about Furguson.

365
00:15:32,247 --> 00:15:35,308
I just... I didn't want you
to look at me differently.

366
00:15:35,364 --> 00:15:36,348
Can I be honest?

367
00:15:36,418 --> 00:15:38,185
I think it's kind of hot
that you kept that as a secret.

368
00:15:38,253 --> 00:15:39,186
- Really?
- Yeah.

369
00:15:39,254 --> 00:15:41,188
Jessica Day, a murderer?

370
00:15:41,256 --> 00:15:43,724
Keeping murder a secret?

371
00:15:43,792 --> 00:15:45,259
Am I attracted to murderers?

372
00:15:45,327 --> 00:15:47,328
Well, it turns out
I didn't kill him, so...

373
00:15:47,395 --> 00:15:49,597
But if you did,
I want you to know that I'd...

374
00:15:49,664 --> 00:15:50,898
I'd help you bury the body.

375
00:15:50,966 --> 00:15:52,133
You know that, right?

376
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,909
Weirdly, yes, I do. I do know that.

377
00:15:54,956 --> 00:15:56,303
'Cause it could wake up, and if it did,

378
00:15:56,371 --> 00:15:58,639
I would just hit it
over the head with a shovel

379
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,475
and then just keep burying it
in the hot desert sand.

380
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,377
Wait, why are we going
all the way out to the desert?

381
00:16:03,445 --> 00:16:04,945
What's wrong with the woods?

382
00:16:05,013 --> 00:16:07,414
Well, only psychos
bury stuff in the woods, Jess.

383
00:16:07,482 --> 00:16:10,251
But listen, the reason I didn't
tell you I lent Coach money was,

384
00:16:10,318 --> 00:16:13,087
I was afraid that one of the
reasons we broke up in the past

385
00:16:13,155 --> 00:16:14,555
was 'cause I was bad at money,

386
00:16:14,623 --> 00:16:16,390
- and I didn't want to scare you off.
- Nick.

387
00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:19,193
Nothing you could do would scare me off.

388
00:16:19,261 --> 00:16:20,494
We're in this together.

389
00:16:21,496 --> 00:16:22,930
Cat murder and all.

390
00:16:22,998 --> 00:16:24,431
Well, there's nothing that you could do

391
00:16:24,499 --> 00:16:26,834
that would make me love you any less.

392
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:29,403
You know...

393
00:16:29,471 --> 00:16:31,672
you need to fix things with Coach.

394
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,340
Yeah.

395
00:16:33,408 --> 00:16:35,809
Cat! Where you at?

396
00:16:35,877 --> 00:16:37,726
Okay, you know what?
Here's my new scenario.

397
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,247
- I'm in the Merchant Marines...
- Stop it.

398
00:16:40,315 --> 00:16:42,883
I only blurted out "three years"
because I don't even want

399
00:16:42,951 --> 00:16:44,418
to think about you being gone.

400
00:16:44,486 --> 00:16:46,420
I don't know
what I would do without you.

401
00:16:46,488 --> 00:16:49,190
I would end up dragging
a lawn chair out to your grave

402
00:16:49,257 --> 00:16:51,025
on the Fourth of July
and lighting a sparkler,

403
00:16:51,092 --> 00:16:52,760
and Ruth wouldn't want to come with me

404
00:16:52,827 --> 00:16:55,462
because she would say
"Mommy, Kevin's having a party,

405
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,731
and I don't want to go
to the grave again."

406
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:02,169
Okay? So I'm just alone,
on a chair, and I miss you.

407
00:17:02,237 --> 00:17:06,106
I don't want you alone at my grave.

408
00:17:06,174 --> 00:17:08,976
That sounds terrible.

409
00:17:09,044 --> 00:17:12,713
I want you to be with
your new husband at my grave.

410
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:16,116
I want you to find someone
who's gonna take care of you,

411
00:17:16,184 --> 00:17:18,152
who's gonna love you as much as I do.

412
00:17:18,220 --> 00:17:20,554
I just want you.

413
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:22,723
Well, it's too late for that.
I-I'm dead.

414
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:24,158
- No.
- It's a waste of time. I might as well be

415
00:17:24,226 --> 00:17:25,826
- at the bottom of the ocean.
- Stop.

416
00:17:25,894 --> 00:17:28,229
You have to move on. Uh, hey, Dunston.

417
00:17:28,296 --> 00:17:29,897
- Uh... Hey.
- Hey, can you come here for a sec?

418
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,966
- You were great tonight, by the way.
- Oh, thank you.

419
00:17:32,033 --> 00:17:33,567
You did a very good job
under difficult circumstances.

420
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:34,835
Thank you very much.

421
00:17:34,903 --> 00:17:36,263
So I'm gonna die,

422
00:17:36,319 --> 00:17:38,255
and I need you to take care of my wife.

423
00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:39,394
Super.

424
00:17:39,419 --> 00:17:40,708
We're fine. Thank you.

425
00:17:40,775 --> 00:17:42,876
- Okay.
- Okay.

426
00:17:45,113 --> 00:17:47,414
Should I join in or just watch?

427
00:17:47,482 --> 00:17:49,783
What exactly are we doing here?

428
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:51,552
Who wants to begin?

429
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:53,954
I mean... I'm not even
mad about the money.

430
00:17:54,022 --> 00:17:56,063
I'm just mad that Coach and I
never talk anymore.

431
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:57,234
What are you talking about, man?

432
00:17:57,259 --> 00:17:59,260
I called and asked you
if elephants are basically pigs,

433
00:17:59,327 --> 00:18:01,362
and you were like "no,"
and I was like "cool."

434
00:18:01,429 --> 00:18:02,663
Yeah, and that was
an awesome conversation.

435
00:18:02,731 --> 00:18:05,065
It was also three years ago, man.

436
00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:06,400
We haven't talked since.

437
00:18:06,468 --> 00:18:07,768
I mean, honestly, I'd pay another

438
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:10,537
$70,000 to have my friend back.

439
00:18:12,261 --> 00:18:14,149
I feel like we're close.
Let's bring it home.

440
00:18:14,209 --> 00:18:16,443
I guess I just stopped talking to you

441
00:18:16,511 --> 00:18:17,678
'cause I was embarrassed.

442
00:18:17,746 --> 00:18:19,213
Embarrassed with me?

443
00:18:19,281 --> 00:18:21,148
You've seen me trip after a shower

444
00:18:21,216 --> 00:18:23,851
and rug burn my penis on a towel.

445
00:18:23,918 --> 00:18:25,786
Classic Nick.

446
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:28,355
- It really burned.
- It was so scabby.

447
00:18:28,423 --> 00:18:30,224
- Yeah.
- It scabbed up like crazy.

448
00:18:30,292 --> 00:18:32,359
- Yes, it did.
- Like a grilled shrimp.

449
00:18:32,427 --> 00:18:34,228
Like grilled jumbo shrimp.

450
00:18:34,296 --> 00:18:35,229
Eh.

451
00:18:36,131 --> 00:18:37,464
I'm gonna pay you back, man.

452
00:18:37,532 --> 00:18:38,932
No matter how long it takes.

453
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,068
I promise. And to prove it to you,

454
00:18:41,136 --> 00:18:44,438
I... brought $5,000

455
00:18:44,506 --> 00:18:45,939
as your first installment.

456
00:18:46,007 --> 00:18:47,641
You brought it in cash?

457
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:50,244
Why is everyone so cavalier
about large sums of money?

458
00:18:50,312 --> 00:18:52,980
You just dropped, like, $600.

459
00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:54,448
I can hear him. Don't worry, cat.

460
00:18:54,516 --> 00:18:55,716
I'm coming to save you.

461
00:18:55,784 --> 00:18:58,886
Winston, Winston! Stop it. Babe.

462
00:18:58,953 --> 00:19:00,487
Babe, sit down, sit down. Winston.

463
00:19:00,555 --> 00:19:02,756
Baby, I love you,

464
00:19:02,824 --> 00:19:04,892
but these meows are in your head.

465
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:07,494
Okay? It's because you haven't
cried over Furguson yet,

466
00:19:07,562 --> 00:19:09,296
and not letting yourself have a good cry

467
00:19:09,364 --> 00:19:11,231
has made you a little doy-doy.

468
00:19:11,299 --> 00:19:12,232
You know...

469
00:19:13,835 --> 00:19:15,602
It's made you really dumb

470
00:19:15,670 --> 00:19:17,805
and stupid, and you're not those things.

471
00:19:17,872 --> 00:19:20,274
Now is the time to let it all out.

472
00:19:20,342 --> 00:19:21,542
Right now, Winston.

473
00:19:21,609 --> 00:19:23,143
You don't have to try
to be strong for me.

474
00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:28,582
Wow, those sinuses swelled up fast.

475
00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:34,121
My cat, my cat, my cat.

476
00:19:34,189 --> 00:19:36,090
You know, it didn't hit me at first,

477
00:19:36,157 --> 00:19:38,125
and then, by the time that it did,

478
00:19:38,193 --> 00:19:40,561
you were already pregnant,
and I just wanted to be...

479
00:19:40,628 --> 00:19:43,597
I wanted to be the rock for this family.

480
00:19:43,665 --> 00:19:45,599
Baby, if there's one thing
I know for sure,

481
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:47,668
it's that I'm the rock in this family.

482
00:19:47,736 --> 00:19:50,371
Yeah, but if you're the rock,
then what am I?

483
00:19:50,438 --> 00:19:54,475
You're the beautiful flower
sprouting out from the rock.

484
00:19:54,542 --> 00:19:56,944
- I like flowers, so...
- I know you do, buddy.

485
00:19:57,011 --> 00:19:58,045
- Yeah.
- Oh, buddy.

486
00:19:58,113 --> 00:19:59,380
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, buddy.

487
00:19:59,447 --> 00:20:01,014
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, buddy.

488
00:20:01,082 --> 00:20:03,717
Oh, I like it when y'all call me
"buddy." It's nice.

489
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:06,353
Also, you can stop looking for the cat.

490
00:20:06,421 --> 00:20:09,022
I don't want to blow you guys'
minds, but, uh...

491
00:20:09,090 --> 00:20:10,391
it ain't real.

492
00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:11,558
What?

493
00:20:11,626 --> 00:20:13,427
The cat isn't real?

494
00:20:13,495 --> 00:20:15,295
That's a...

495
00:20:15,363 --> 00:20:17,731
This is all so Shyamalanian.

496
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,233
I guess I just been
keeping things bottled up

497
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,634
a little too tight.

498
00:20:20,702 --> 00:20:21,935
Shh. Okay,

499
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,871
I can't even believe I'm saying this,

500
00:20:23,938 --> 00:20:27,508
- but I think I hear a cat.
- Come on, now.

501
00:20:27,575 --> 00:20:29,410
No, I'm serious. Listen.

502
00:20:30,879 --> 00:20:32,513
Well, I did not see that coming.

503
00:20:32,580 --> 00:20:33,847
It's coming from the couch.

504
00:20:38,453 --> 00:20:40,020
Aw.

505
00:20:46,094 --> 00:20:49,229
Oh, my God, he's scared.

506
00:20:49,297 --> 00:20:50,364
Man, don't be scared.

507
00:20:50,432 --> 00:20:53,679
- He loves you.
- Yeah, I'm here, okay?

508
00:20:55,303 --> 00:20:57,538
Baby, he's not wearing any tags.

509
00:20:57,605 --> 00:20:58,906
Which means he's a stray.

510
00:20:58,973 --> 00:21:00,908
- Can we...?
- Okay, yes,

511
00:21:00,975 --> 00:21:02,810
but only if you feed him
from one of those bottles

512
00:21:02,877 --> 00:21:04,978
like in a zoo documentary,
'cause I like that,

513
00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:06,380
that's cute as hell.

514
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:10,350
Hey.

515
00:21:10,418 --> 00:21:12,786
- You found my cat.
- Well...

516
00:21:12,854 --> 00:21:15,956
Oh, that's the bartender's bar cat.

517
00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:17,458
I'm sorry, but, uh, that cat's gone.

518
00:21:17,525 --> 00:21:19,293
- Give me my cat back.
- Wait.

519
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,996
Um, what if we were to offer you

520
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:25,899
$5,000 in cash for the cat?

521
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:28,402
Oh, yeah, then, totally. That'd be fine.

522
00:21:28,470 --> 00:21:30,737
$5,000. Curious,
what's the lowest amount

523
00:21:30,805 --> 00:21:32,239
you would have taken for that cat?

524
00:21:32,307 --> 00:21:35,442
I don't know, maybe, like, uh, 50 bucks?

525
00:21:35,510 --> 00:21:36,810
- $50.
- Yeah.

526
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:39,046
- That's considerably less than $5,000.
- Oh, yeah.

527
00:21:39,113 --> 00:21:40,247
Here you go.

528
00:21:40,315 --> 00:21:41,982
I think I'm gonna name him...

529
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:43,313
NAFTA.

530
00:21:43,337 --> 00:21:44,625
- Aw!
- I don't like it.

531
00:21:44,652 --> 00:21:46,587
His name's actually Mitzi.

532
00:21:46,654 --> 00:21:51,158
NAFTA!

533
00:21:52,227 --> 00:21:54,161
Meow! Meow!

534
00:21:54,185 --> 00:21:58,385
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com