1 00:00:18,578 --> 00:00:20,437 - Mmm. - Can you two 2 00:00:20,508 --> 00:00:23,710 please tell us why you summoned us here? 3 00:00:23,778 --> 00:00:25,835 Thank you for coming. It is appreciated, 4 00:00:25,890 --> 00:00:27,750 especially since Aly is on bed rest. 5 00:00:27,812 --> 00:00:29,934 We brought you here today to choose a godparent. 6 00:00:30,002 --> 00:00:32,336 Oh, yes! Sorry. I'm sorry. Carry on. 7 00:00:32,404 --> 00:00:34,906 Now, on my side, we have my entire network 8 00:00:34,973 --> 00:00:36,140 of good friends. Friends so close, 9 00:00:36,208 --> 00:00:37,608 I consider them family. 10 00:00:37,676 --> 00:00:39,644 And on my side, we have Leslie. 11 00:00:39,711 --> 00:00:42,246 - I'm all she's got. - Oh, boy. 12 00:00:42,314 --> 00:00:44,615 All right, everybody, please line up in formation. 13 00:00:44,683 --> 00:00:46,784 Winston, I don't have time for this. It's my first day back at 14 00:00:46,852 --> 00:00:49,720 Ass Strat tomorrow. I should be moisturizing and making dreams. 15 00:00:49,788 --> 00:00:51,722 Schmidt, we didn't choose you. 16 00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,024 - You may face the wall. - Dork! 17 00:00:53,092 --> 00:00:54,859 - Watch it. - Cece, 18 00:00:54,927 --> 00:00:57,261 we didn't choose you either. Reason being is your friendship 19 00:00:57,329 --> 00:01:00,198 is too important to ruin by making you our baby's godmother. 20 00:01:00,265 --> 00:01:01,699 Mm-hmm. Why do I feel like your lips are moving 21 00:01:01,767 --> 00:01:04,936 - but Aly's doing the talking? - Sorry. 22 00:01:05,003 --> 00:01:06,471 - Nick? - I got a good feeling about this. 23 00:01:06,538 --> 00:01:07,472 Face the wall. 24 00:01:07,539 --> 00:01:08,940 Ooh. This ain't over. 25 00:01:11,610 --> 00:01:12,844 Leslie, 26 00:01:12,911 --> 00:01:14,912 you may face the wall. 27 00:01:14,980 --> 00:01:18,216 - Ha-ha-ha! Suck it, bitch! - Leslie, 28 00:01:18,283 --> 00:01:20,017 you lost. 29 00:01:20,085 --> 00:01:21,052 Leslie is confused. 30 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,520 And now the moment of truth. 31 00:01:22,588 --> 00:01:24,789 Jessica Day, 32 00:01:24,857 --> 00:01:27,859 will you be our baby's godmother? 33 00:01:27,926 --> 00:01:29,494 Yes, I will. 34 00:01:29,561 --> 00:01:31,762 Why is Leslie still dancing? 35 00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:32,964 Leslie. 36 00:01:33,031 --> 00:01:34,999 - Hey, now we're both godparents. - What? 37 00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:37,201 Nick, for the hundredth time, you are not Ruth's godfather. 38 00:01:37,269 --> 00:01:39,437 Yes, I am, for the hundred and one time... first time. 39 00:01:39,505 --> 00:01:41,572 First of all, Jews and Hindus do not have godparents. 40 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,908 And even if we did, we would not choose you. 41 00:01:43,976 --> 00:01:44,909 Ruth is not a fan. 42 00:01:44,977 --> 00:01:46,077 Ruth doesn't like me? 43 00:01:46,145 --> 00:01:48,212 She sees you more as a dimwitted raccoon. 44 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,918 Well, my mind is blown. This is a game changer. 45 00:01:49,973 --> 00:01:51,082 Okay, everyone leave. 46 00:01:51,150 --> 00:01:52,926 Okay, that was a waste of time. 47 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,385 We got a babysitter for this? 48 00:01:54,453 --> 00:01:55,987 Jess, can you stay back for a moment? 49 00:01:56,054 --> 00:01:57,388 Yeah. You chose wisely. 50 00:01:57,456 --> 00:01:59,991 I will revolutionize being a godparent. 51 00:02:00,058 --> 00:02:02,093 Your son will be my Cinderell... o. 52 00:02:02,161 --> 00:02:04,695 We'll be reviewing your performance weekly. 53 00:02:04,763 --> 00:02:06,097 You can be replaced. 54 00:02:06,165 --> 00:02:07,932 Heavy is the head that holds the crown, 55 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,502 but strong are the neck muscles that hold up said head. 56 00:02:11,570 --> 00:02:12,470 Ooh. 57 00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:18,676 Cigarette! 58 00:02:22,915 --> 00:02:25,049 - Well done. - Well done. 59 00:02:25,117 --> 00:02:28,326 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 60 00:02:28,854 --> 00:02:31,589 Uh, before I move on to the next slide, let me just say 61 00:02:31,657 --> 00:02:34,425 thank you for agreeing to stay at home this week 62 00:02:34,493 --> 00:02:36,928 while I get back in the saddle at work. 63 00:02:36,995 --> 00:02:39,597 Now, you need to pick up Ruth at 2:00 p.m. on the dot. 64 00:02:39,665 --> 00:02:40,798 The three pillars of the pickup 65 00:02:40,866 --> 00:02:43,334 are gate code, sign out, and lunch, 66 00:02:43,402 --> 00:02:44,869 which needs to be a peanut butter sandwich, 67 00:02:44,937 --> 00:02:46,571 otherwise, she will shut down and go 68 00:02:46,638 --> 00:02:48,115 - full armadillo. - Yeah, I got it. 69 00:02:48,147 --> 00:02:49,360 Pick her up, drop her off. 70 00:02:49,384 --> 00:02:50,397 - How hard can it be? - Well, first of all, 71 00:02:50,416 --> 00:02:51,421 you got it backwards. 72 00:02:51,446 --> 00:02:52,910 You drop off in the morning, 73 00:02:52,978 --> 00:02:55,112 you pick up in the after... I'm sorry. 74 00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:57,114 I'm a little stressed out. I know that I said 75 00:02:57,182 --> 00:02:59,217 that I would go back to work when Ruth started school, 76 00:02:59,284 --> 00:03:01,719 which, look, I'm-I'm excited about. 77 00:03:01,787 --> 00:03:03,087 But I've been out of the game for a while, 78 00:03:03,155 --> 00:03:04,388 and I've become accustomed 79 00:03:04,456 --> 00:03:05,790 to a different type of lifestyle. 80 00:03:05,857 --> 00:03:08,092 Daddy was gonna get into that party no matter what, 81 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,560 so I jumped over the hedge. 82 00:03:09,628 --> 00:03:11,329 Of course. It was Prince! 83 00:03:11,396 --> 00:03:12,930 You get it. 84 00:03:12,998 --> 00:03:15,633 We'll be fine. What you see as a life-or-death mission, 85 00:03:15,701 --> 00:03:17,435 I see as a week off with my daughter. 86 00:03:17,502 --> 00:03:19,403 Wrong again. Buckle up. 87 00:03:21,573 --> 00:03:23,374 These should cover your first four hours. 88 00:03:23,442 --> 00:03:25,275 Okay, I'm off. 89 00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,033 Yeah, you need to go. Okay? 90 00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:28,117 Now get. 91 00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,289 I'm excited. I shaved my entire body last night. 92 00:03:30,382 --> 00:03:33,517 I feel like I could ride the wind to work. 93 00:03:33,585 --> 00:03:36,954 And here comes a contraction. 94 00:03:37,022 --> 00:03:38,856 Thank you for filling in for Aly. 95 00:03:38,924 --> 00:03:40,791 - Of course. I'm the godmother. - And one, two, 96 00:03:40,859 --> 00:03:43,861 three, primal scream. 97 00:03:47,199 --> 00:03:50,501 Oh, my God! That's a big hea... Sorry. 98 00:03:50,569 --> 00:03:51,702 Okay, and now let's practice 99 00:03:51,770 --> 00:03:53,938 some pelvic tilts on the birthing ball. 100 00:03:54,006 --> 00:03:55,039 Oh. 101 00:03:56,375 --> 00:03:57,942 Excuse me. I-I realize you 102 00:03:58,010 --> 00:03:59,510 didn't get me one, so I'm gonna go ahead and get my own. 103 00:03:59,578 --> 00:04:00,811 Uh... 104 00:04:00,879 --> 00:04:02,380 - Got the big boy. - Yeah. 105 00:04:02,447 --> 00:04:05,383 Whew! You know what's crazy is you're gonna be 106 00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:08,080 a father any day now. 107 00:04:08,135 --> 00:04:10,788 - Yeah, it kind of snuck up on me. - Yeah, you better get ready, 108 00:04:10,856 --> 00:04:13,824 'cause you're gonna get on the Dad Train soon. 109 00:04:13,892 --> 00:04:15,593 Dad-dad! 110 00:04:15,661 --> 00:04:19,397 "No getting off this train." 111 00:04:19,464 --> 00:04:22,366 - You okay? - Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm good. 112 00:04:22,434 --> 00:04:25,202 Well, all right. 113 00:04:25,270 --> 00:04:26,604 Who would like to demonstrate how to hold a baby? 114 00:04:26,672 --> 00:04:28,539 Any takers? What about you? 115 00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:30,374 Oh, not me. That baby's creep city. 116 00:04:30,442 --> 00:04:31,742 Winnie, you're up. 117 00:04:31,810 --> 00:04:33,577 Me? Oh. Yeah. 118 00:04:33,645 --> 00:04:35,179 - Let's go, Dad. - Okay. 119 00:04:36,148 --> 00:04:37,748 Hold it like this? 120 00:04:37,816 --> 00:04:39,550 - Cradle the head. - Cradle it. Yeah. 121 00:04:39,618 --> 00:04:41,952 Well, look at you. 122 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:46,190 I promise to love and protect you. 123 00:04:46,258 --> 00:04:47,758 Nobody's ever gonna hurt my goochy, goochy... 124 00:04:47,826 --> 00:04:50,528 - Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Okay, and... 125 00:04:50,595 --> 00:04:53,097 I'm sorry. I'm gonna fix this. 126 00:04:53,165 --> 00:04:56,000 I'm gonna fix him. I'm not ready. 127 00:04:56,068 --> 00:04:57,190 - No. - Here, put that back. 128 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,170 Put that back inside of you. I don't want no part of that. 129 00:05:03,375 --> 00:05:07,244 Look at us, the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt. 130 00:05:07,312 --> 00:05:09,246 God, I forgot how much I despise you. 131 00:05:09,314 --> 00:05:11,382 We're gonna need your thoughts on a new salsa account, 132 00:05:11,450 --> 00:05:14,285 - so get up to speed. - Oh, I am up to speed on salsa. 133 00:05:14,353 --> 00:05:16,954 Now heads up, Schmidt, things have changed here. 134 00:05:17,022 --> 00:05:18,756 It's not the same office you left. 135 00:05:20,025 --> 00:05:22,293 Ass Strat has been taken over 136 00:05:22,361 --> 00:05:24,662 by a Tokyo-based conglomerate. 137 00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:32,069 Are the toilets also Japa... 138 00:05:32,137 --> 00:05:33,404 Yes. 139 00:05:37,309 --> 00:05:40,072 "Cecilia, you're playing your music too loud." 140 00:05:40,127 --> 00:05:42,009 What's that, babe? Yeah, you know, 141 00:05:42,056 --> 00:05:43,421 I can't hear you out here with... 142 00:05:43,482 --> 00:05:45,449 - Oh, my God! - What, are we having a laundry party? 143 00:05:45,517 --> 00:05:47,051 - What is that? - This? 144 00:05:47,119 --> 00:05:49,387 It's just a bear I found outside the loft. 145 00:05:49,454 --> 00:05:50,788 Yeah, I brought it for my girl Ruth. 146 00:05:50,856 --> 00:05:52,656 Well, she's at school right now, and I have 147 00:05:52,724 --> 00:05:55,432 15 binders worth of stuff to do that Schmidt has left for me 148 00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:56,470 - before I go pick her up. - Oh, that's perfect. 149 00:05:56,495 --> 00:05:58,462 I'll just pick her up. I'll pick her up from school. 150 00:05:58,530 --> 00:06:01,365 I don't need your help picking up my daughter from school. 151 00:06:01,406 --> 00:06:02,446 Okay? 152 00:06:02,471 --> 00:06:03,492 All right, well, would you please tell her 153 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,936 that I left this bear for her so she knows it was from me? 154 00:06:06,004 --> 00:06:07,271 - Mm-mm. - Ugh. 155 00:06:07,339 --> 00:06:09,006 - What? - There's ants all over its neck. 156 00:06:09,074 --> 00:06:11,575 - What? - Oh! 157 00:06:11,643 --> 00:06:13,444 There's more ants. Every time it gets hit, more ants come out. 158 00:06:13,512 --> 00:06:15,112 Okay. All right. 159 00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:16,781 Hey, buddy. 160 00:06:16,848 --> 00:06:19,483 So, two things. Um, first of all, 161 00:06:19,551 --> 00:06:21,285 we're not welcome back in the class. 162 00:06:21,353 --> 00:06:24,866 And, second, they're billing you for all ten classes. 163 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,690 Jess, what if I'm not ready to be a father? 164 00:06:26,758 --> 00:06:29,026 Winston, that was a fake baby. 165 00:06:29,094 --> 00:06:30,461 Real babies' heads 166 00:06:30,529 --> 00:06:32,096 - don't come off like that. - Jess, I was 167 00:06:32,164 --> 00:06:34,498 in that class and it made me realize 168 00:06:34,566 --> 00:06:36,901 that this baby is coming. 169 00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:38,636 What happens when I'm in that hospital 170 00:06:38,703 --> 00:06:40,204 and I see my son's face for the first time, 171 00:06:40,272 --> 00:06:42,339 coming out of Aly's butt? What am I gonna do? 172 00:06:42,407 --> 00:06:43,808 What if there's something that I don't know? 173 00:06:43,875 --> 00:06:46,143 I know this is gonna sound crazy, 174 00:06:46,211 --> 00:06:47,878 but ever since I found out Aly was pregnant, 175 00:06:47,946 --> 00:06:50,114 I keep thinking about my dad. 176 00:06:50,182 --> 00:06:51,749 That clown? He left you guys. 177 00:06:51,817 --> 00:06:53,584 I know. It makes absolutely no sense, 178 00:06:53,652 --> 00:06:56,187 but I keep thinking, what does he look like? 179 00:06:56,254 --> 00:06:58,322 You know? Does he think about me? 180 00:06:58,390 --> 00:07:00,558 Does he have a small group of white friends like me? 181 00:07:00,625 --> 00:07:03,060 Well, have you thought about, you know, reaching out to him again? 182 00:07:03,128 --> 00:07:04,662 I keep thinking, in a perfect world, I wouldn't have 183 00:07:04,729 --> 00:07:07,264 to track down my dad and risk getting rejected. 184 00:07:07,332 --> 00:07:08,866 He would just... 185 00:07:08,934 --> 00:07:11,302 Magically show up. 186 00:07:11,369 --> 00:07:12,736 Exactly. 187 00:07:17,265 --> 00:07:20,077 - Sturdy. - Hey, Winston! 188 00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:21,377 Looking good. 189 00:07:21,447 --> 00:07:22,486 You don't have to gas me up, Jess. 190 00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,330 I've been at this thing for three hours. 191 00:07:24,392 --> 00:07:25,788 - It is all legs. - Yeah. 192 00:07:25,859 --> 00:07:27,622 Look, I just wanted to tell you something, 193 00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:30,930 and that is that when you're alive... 194 00:07:30,977 --> 00:07:32,894 Sometimes your friends think that you're... No. 195 00:07:32,962 --> 00:07:35,548 Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Your dad's outside. 196 00:07:36,599 --> 00:07:37,933 Okay, that's a weird joke. 197 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,006 Yeah, that's not a joke. 198 00:07:40,076 --> 00:07:43,438 He is, um... he's outside. At this moment. 199 00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,573 Well, how the hell did you find him? 200 00:07:45,641 --> 00:07:48,376 Well, it was a journey. Basically, I Googled his name, 201 00:07:48,444 --> 00:07:50,779 and here we are. 202 00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:52,113 - Oh. - Listen, 203 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,949 if it would make you feel better to talk to your dad, 204 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:55,350 then I think you should. 205 00:07:55,418 --> 00:07:57,452 Yeah, I'll go talk to him. I wonder if... 206 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:58,853 Nah. 207 00:07:58,921 --> 00:08:00,288 Okay. "Hey, D... Hey, Pop. 208 00:08:00,356 --> 00:08:02,123 "You want to shake my... You want to shake my... 209 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,792 Your hand looks like my hand." 210 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,627 He'll be like, "What's up, son?" 211 00:08:05,695 --> 00:08:06,928 I'll be like, "Don't call me son." 212 00:08:06,996 --> 00:08:08,997 - Uh-huh. - "Don't call me son." You know? 213 00:08:09,065 --> 00:08:10,665 "But I love you so much. I miss... 214 00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:12,667 I've never seen you." I don't know what he looks like. 215 00:08:12,735 --> 00:08:13,835 Or I can tell him to leave. 216 00:08:13,903 --> 00:08:15,770 No. 217 00:08:15,838 --> 00:08:17,238 No. It's fine. 218 00:08:17,306 --> 00:08:18,740 He's my dad. 219 00:08:18,808 --> 00:08:20,041 I'll tell him. 220 00:08:29,251 --> 00:08:30,485 Say what you got to say, son. 221 00:08:32,588 --> 00:08:34,656 Daddy! 222 00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:38,827 - Get it out. Yeah. - Oh, my... My God. 223 00:08:38,894 --> 00:08:39,894 - Look at that. - Look at that. 224 00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:40,962 - Look at that! - Look at that! 225 00:08:41,030 --> 00:08:42,931 Look at that! Oh, come on, now. 226 00:08:42,999 --> 00:08:43,999 - Come on! - Come on, now. 227 00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:45,165 Be feeling like I'm-a stand up in here. 228 00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,601 - Come on, now! - Come on, now. 229 00:08:46,669 --> 00:08:47,669 Okay. Kids' toys. 230 00:08:47,737 --> 00:08:48,903 I got this. 231 00:08:48,971 --> 00:08:50,939 Okay, I got that. 232 00:08:52,141 --> 00:08:53,508 Go for Nick. 233 00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:55,110 Uh, hey, Nick. Where are you? 234 00:08:55,177 --> 00:08:57,812 I'm at home making a goodie bag for my favorite little girl. 235 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,181 Um, listen to me. Uh, I actually... 236 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,717 I need your... 237 00:09:02,785 --> 00:09:05,520 help picking up Ruth from school. 238 00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:07,822 Oh. Isn't this interesting? 239 00:09:07,890 --> 00:09:09,090 Last time I checked, you didn't need 240 00:09:09,158 --> 00:09:10,558 old Nick Miller's help. 241 00:09:10,626 --> 00:09:12,660 Hold a minute while old Nick Miller laughs 242 00:09:12,728 --> 00:09:14,796 - and says, "Well, well, well." - Nick. 243 00:09:14,864 --> 00:09:15,930 Please. Okay, I... 244 00:09:15,998 --> 00:09:17,499 Nick. 245 00:09:17,566 --> 00:09:19,401 - Listen to me... - Well, well, well. 246 00:09:19,468 --> 00:09:21,503 Looks like you do need old Nicky's help. 247 00:09:21,570 --> 00:09:23,302 Please. Please. Listen to me. 248 00:09:23,356 --> 00:09:24,406 Okay, Nick, I forgot 249 00:09:24,473 --> 00:09:26,541 my phone at the house, and that phone 250 00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:27,777 has the gate code 251 00:09:27,810 --> 00:09:29,069 - that will let me into the school... - Hold on. 252 00:09:29,145 --> 00:09:31,279 If you forgot your phone at home, 253 00:09:31,347 --> 00:09:33,148 then tell me this: 254 00:09:33,215 --> 00:09:35,216 what are you calling me on? 255 00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:37,519 A stranger's phone, okay? 256 00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:39,020 Ruth's lunch 257 00:09:39,088 --> 00:09:40,455 is next to my phone, 258 00:09:40,523 --> 00:09:42,557 and I forgot her lunch, too, so just bring both, okay? 259 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,259 Got it. Also... 260 00:09:45,961 --> 00:09:47,062 Welcome back, Mr. Schmidt. 261 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:48,263 I cannot wait 262 00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:50,231 to hear your pitch on the salsa account. 263 00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,733 Uh, take it away. 264 00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:53,201 I'd love to. Thank you so much. 265 00:09:53,269 --> 00:09:54,736 Let's talk about salsa. 266 00:09:54,804 --> 00:09:55,804 It's a sauce. 267 00:09:55,871 --> 00:09:56,938 Or it... 268 00:09:57,006 --> 00:09:58,973 Uh... 269 00:10:00,176 --> 00:10:02,377 Uh, I actually have to take this. 270 00:10:02,445 --> 00:10:04,145 So-so sorry. 271 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:07,415 - Hello? - Daddy, come pick me up. 272 00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:09,050 Mommy isn't here yet. 273 00:10:09,118 --> 00:10:10,485 What do you mean, Mommy's not... It's 2:30. 274 00:10:10,553 --> 00:10:12,921 What is she do...? 275 00:10:15,891 --> 00:10:18,760 Okay, um... 276 00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:20,595 Daddy's on his way. 277 00:10:22,865 --> 00:10:25,400 I actually have to step out for just a second. 278 00:10:25,468 --> 00:10:27,102 You know, in preparation for this meeting, 279 00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:30,405 I ate an entire jar of salsa, and it is... 280 00:10:30,473 --> 00:10:32,474 sliding right through me. 281 00:10:35,144 --> 00:10:37,645 Ah, come on. 282 00:10:38,881 --> 00:10:39,948 Hey, little girl. 283 00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,483 Hi. 284 00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:44,018 - You want to open the gate for me? - No. 285 00:10:44,086 --> 00:10:45,887 No? You want... Let me see what I got. 286 00:10:45,955 --> 00:10:47,055 A peanut butter sandwich? 287 00:10:47,123 --> 00:10:48,256 You want a peanut butter sandwich? 288 00:10:48,324 --> 00:10:49,624 Come here me a sec. Give me a sec. 289 00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,926 Look at this, look at this. 290 00:10:51,994 --> 00:10:53,728 Come over here, eat the peanut butter sandwich. 291 00:10:53,796 --> 00:10:55,029 Open the gate. Look. 292 00:10:55,097 --> 00:10:57,599 Mmm. So yummy. 293 00:10:57,666 --> 00:10:59,167 Come... come on, come on. Where you going? 294 00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:00,969 Hey! Little girl! 295 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,770 Come on, little girl, please. 296 00:11:02,838 --> 00:11:04,767 Where you going? Ah. No. 297 00:11:04,792 --> 00:11:06,031 Hey! What are you doing? 298 00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:07,175 Oh, I was just trying to get a little girl 299 00:11:07,243 --> 00:11:08,176 out of here. 300 00:11:08,244 --> 00:11:09,878 I want to be a girl's godfather. 301 00:11:09,945 --> 00:11:11,646 So, godfathers can basically make rules 302 00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:12,914 and do things with little kids 303 00:11:12,982 --> 00:11:14,082 when their parents aren't around. 304 00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:15,583 - What? Excuse me? - And also, they love me. 305 00:11:15,651 --> 00:11:17,151 - You sick bastard. - No, no. 306 00:11:17,203 --> 00:11:18,126 - You're coming with me. - No, no. 307 00:11:18,151 --> 00:11:19,430 Peanut butter sandwich. Disgusting. 308 00:11:19,455 --> 00:11:20,622 Stop! Kids love me. 309 00:11:20,689 --> 00:11:21,623 I'm a famous author. 310 00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:23,158 Hey, he's with me. I'm a parent. 311 00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,292 - Parent. - Yeah. 312 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:25,660 No worries. I'm, uh, I'm a parent. 313 00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:26,961 Okay, so what's the gate code, then? 314 00:11:27,029 --> 00:11:29,631 Gate code is four... 315 00:11:29,698 --> 00:11:32,433 - three... seven... - You're guessing. 316 00:11:32,501 --> 00:11:34,502 - He's onto us, Cece! Run! Hyah! - Hey. 317 00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:35,703 I'm coming for you, Ruth! 318 00:11:35,771 --> 00:11:37,539 Here comes your godfather! 319 00:11:37,606 --> 00:11:38,640 Oh, my God. 320 00:11:38,707 --> 00:11:40,742 Is that it? 321 00:11:40,809 --> 00:11:42,177 - Wait, hold up, hold on now. - H-Hold up. 322 00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:43,845 - Hold up, boy. - You got bees on your shirt. 323 00:11:43,913 --> 00:11:46,314 - I got birds on my shirt. - Birds and the bees, baby. 324 00:11:46,382 --> 00:11:48,316 - Birds and the bees! - Come on, now. 325 00:11:48,384 --> 00:11:49,951 My boy! 326 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,654 Hey, Aly. 327 00:11:52,721 --> 00:11:54,222 - What are you doing out of bed? - I heard 328 00:11:54,290 --> 00:11:56,323 a man's voice and wanted to know if you were cheating on Nick 329 00:11:56,361 --> 00:11:57,877 in the bedroom of my future child. 330 00:11:57,948 --> 00:12:01,396 Well, big news: I found Winston's dad. 331 00:12:01,463 --> 00:12:03,531 In there. 332 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,234 You want to wrestle? 333 00:12:06,302 --> 00:12:07,502 Take off your pants, Dad! 334 00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:08,778 - You know what we like? - What? 335 00:12:08,849 --> 00:12:10,505 Those two black dudes from This Is Us. 336 00:12:10,573 --> 00:12:13,074 That's not Winston's dad. 337 00:12:13,142 --> 00:12:15,476 What? 338 00:12:15,544 --> 00:12:16,711 I saw his picture on the database 339 00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,880 at the station. I know this. That's not him! 340 00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:20,141 Huh. 341 00:12:22,584 --> 00:12:24,976 Jess, who is that man in my house 342 00:12:25,032 --> 00:12:26,555 pretending to be Winston's dad? 343 00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:28,059 His name is Van Bishop. 344 00:12:28,141 --> 00:12:29,875 But did he say he was Winston's dad? 345 00:12:29,943 --> 00:12:31,677 I showed him a picture of Winston, 346 00:12:31,745 --> 00:12:33,546 and he burst into tears. 347 00:12:33,613 --> 00:12:35,781 - So no. - I'm sorry. 348 00:12:35,849 --> 00:12:37,149 Winston was freaking out 349 00:12:37,217 --> 00:12:38,818 about being a father and kept saying 350 00:12:38,885 --> 00:12:40,419 he wished he could meet his dad. 351 00:12:40,487 --> 00:12:42,021 Of course you can sleep over, Dad. 352 00:12:42,089 --> 00:12:43,089 The couch lets out. 353 00:12:43,156 --> 00:12:44,489 Love you, son. 354 00:12:44,552 --> 00:12:46,559 - I love you, too, Pop. - Mm-mm. This is bad. 355 00:12:46,626 --> 00:12:48,606 They are getting closer every minute. 356 00:12:48,677 --> 00:12:50,029 You need to fix this right now. 357 00:12:50,097 --> 00:12:52,231 Okay, Aly, I got this. 358 00:12:52,299 --> 00:12:54,400 If you don't, when I have the strength 359 00:12:54,468 --> 00:12:57,069 to wrap these hands around your tiny little neck, 360 00:12:57,137 --> 00:12:58,404 I will do so. 361 00:12:59,473 --> 00:13:00,439 And I will smile. 362 00:13:03,751 --> 00:13:05,419 - This is all your fault. - This is all your fault. 363 00:13:05,444 --> 00:13:06,561 - Don't talk to me, okay? - No, don't talk to me. 364 00:13:06,616 --> 00:13:07,842 Now you're just gonna sit there and mimic me? 365 00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:08,846 Don't do the thing with the hands. 366 00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,037 - Grow up! - You grow up! 367 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,326 - Are you kidding me right now? - Are you kidding me? 368 00:13:11,397 --> 00:13:12,671 - Don't talk to me. - Don't do the Cece to me. 369 00:13:12,742 --> 00:13:13,709 Don't do the Nick to me. 370 00:13:13,776 --> 00:13:15,310 Mommy! 371 00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,710 - Hey! - Uncle Nick. 372 00:13:17,803 --> 00:13:19,981 Hi, honey. I am so sorry. 373 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,183 You must be hungry. Right? 374 00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:23,085 No worries, 'cause Uncle Nick 375 00:13:23,152 --> 00:13:24,753 - has your sandwich. - I do. I have your sandwich. 376 00:13:24,821 --> 00:13:27,389 Here you go. 377 00:13:27,457 --> 00:13:29,424 You ate it. 378 00:13:29,492 --> 00:13:31,093 The truth is I sat on it. 379 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,782 Maybe I took a bite. I took a couple bites. 380 00:13:32,829 --> 00:13:34,775 - I ate a lot of it. - You know what? It gonna be... 381 00:13:34,829 --> 00:13:36,531 Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. 382 00:13:36,599 --> 00:13:37,866 She is going full armadillo. 383 00:13:37,934 --> 00:13:40,068 I need my phone. Give me my phone. 384 00:13:40,136 --> 00:13:41,269 Well, I'm her godfather. 385 00:13:41,337 --> 00:13:42,537 - I'm not a fisherman's vest. - No. 386 00:13:42,605 --> 00:13:44,005 What you are is the human equivalent 387 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,674 of the crack between two couch cushions. 388 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,169 Grab her. I'm gonna go start the car. 389 00:13:47,224 --> 00:13:49,294 So, anyway, I'm on the back of a Jet Ski 390 00:13:49,318 --> 00:13:50,441 - with Cornel West. - Mm-hmm. 391 00:13:50,466 --> 00:13:52,938 And he tells me, "Hey, you're leaning too far to the left." 392 00:13:52,982 --> 00:13:54,549 I said, "No, you leaning too far to the left." 393 00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:55,717 Oh! 394 00:13:55,785 --> 00:13:57,686 I see what you did. I see it. 395 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,009 Y'all talking about Cornel West? 396 00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:01,022 - Dad's got stories for days. - I bet. 397 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,592 I bet. Anyway, why don't we button mash this 398 00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:05,560 for next week and, um, Van, I can give you a ride home. 399 00:14:05,628 --> 00:14:06,728 Wait, what? No. 400 00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:08,630 No, no, no, no. He just got here. 401 00:14:08,698 --> 00:14:10,899 You know, I want to talk about the old days in Chicago. 402 00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:11,933 Never been there. Garbage city. 403 00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:13,802 Yeah, it has its bad parts, 404 00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:16,438 but, you know, the education system is getting... 405 00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:18,558 - Wait. You've never been there? - Never been there. 406 00:14:18,583 --> 00:14:19,925 You know what? I totally know what he means, 407 00:14:19,950 --> 00:14:22,081 because I feel like sometimes 408 00:14:22,121 --> 00:14:23,745 I've never been to L.A., and I live here. 409 00:14:23,813 --> 00:14:25,814 You know what I mean? Like, ask me where the ocean is. 410 00:14:25,882 --> 00:14:27,282 "Uh, to the left?" I don't know. 411 00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:28,683 - Should we hit the road? - Jess? 412 00:14:28,751 --> 00:14:30,552 What's going on? 413 00:14:33,856 --> 00:14:35,557 Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. 414 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,959 Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? 415 00:14:38,027 --> 00:14:41,596 Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas? 416 00:14:41,664 --> 00:14:43,331 A white man broke in today. 417 00:14:43,399 --> 00:14:45,667 A... a white man? No! 418 00:14:45,735 --> 00:14:47,769 Well, what did security do about it? 419 00:14:47,837 --> 00:14:50,272 - Nothing. - Typical! 420 00:14:50,339 --> 00:14:51,673 I'm calling Cece. 421 00:14:55,044 --> 00:14:57,379 Go for Brian. 422 00:14:57,446 --> 00:14:59,915 Who the heck is Brian? Where's Cece? 423 00:15:01,017 --> 00:15:02,717 All right, Ruth, 424 00:15:02,785 --> 00:15:04,853 let's find something to play with inside this, uh, 425 00:15:04,921 --> 00:15:08,379 pillowcase of crap your future godfather brought you. 426 00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:10,250 - Oh, God. Okay. - There's this thing. 427 00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,794 - Put that down. - Yeah, put that down right there. 428 00:15:12,862 --> 00:15:14,696 Look at this! We got an old beeper. 429 00:15:14,764 --> 00:15:16,665 You can pretend to be a-a doctor, 430 00:15:16,732 --> 00:15:18,700 or a late '90s drug dealer. 431 00:15:18,768 --> 00:15:20,869 - What's a drug dealer? - Don't give her that. 432 00:15:20,937 --> 00:15:22,404 Gah, Ma, stop being such a narc. 433 00:15:24,073 --> 00:15:26,007 Okay, thank God you're alive. 434 00:15:26,075 --> 00:15:27,475 Of course we're alive. What are you doing here? 435 00:15:27,543 --> 00:15:29,095 I went to the school; Ruth wasn't there. 436 00:15:29,150 --> 00:15:30,512 They told me a white man tried to hop the fence, 437 00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:33,215 and some man named Brian answered your phone. 438 00:15:33,282 --> 00:15:35,016 - Hi. - What happened? 439 00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:36,952 - Nick ate her sandwich. - I had one bite of her sandwich. 440 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,720 Guess, technically, "inhaled" it. 441 00:15:38,788 --> 00:15:40,655 - I didn't inhale it! - Guys, please. 442 00:15:40,723 --> 00:15:42,824 It's not a big deal. I'll make her another sandwich. 443 00:15:42,892 --> 00:15:44,693 No, you won't. 444 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,662 About that. So... 445 00:15:49,565 --> 00:15:51,199 We're out of peanut butter. 446 00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:52,567 What do you mean, we're out of peanut butter? 447 00:15:52,635 --> 00:15:54,551 I know. Okay, there was just too much to do. 448 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:57,679 - And those binders. It is not possible! - I do this every day. 449 00:15:57,740 --> 00:15:59,541 You see, that's when the-the Chicago Cubs won the 450 00:15:59,609 --> 00:16:02,169 World Series, and, uh, all the players signed it. 451 00:16:02,224 --> 00:16:05,130 I need you to just be careful, 'cause it's worth a lot of money. 452 00:16:05,184 --> 00:16:06,514 I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. 453 00:16:06,582 --> 00:16:08,383 I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't... 454 00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:11,219 - Did Nick fix our child? - What are you doing? 455 00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:13,238 - Just making it pretty. - You're ruining it. 456 00:16:13,316 --> 00:16:15,790 Your face ruined it! You're a dumb raccoon. 457 00:16:15,858 --> 00:16:17,574 - Accurate. - Oh. As a godfather, 458 00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:18,980 I got to push through that. 459 00:16:19,028 --> 00:16:21,613 Ooh, that's work. 460 00:16:21,699 --> 00:16:24,165 - I got to go back. - What about spa time? 461 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,868 I need to zap my frown lines. 462 00:16:26,936 --> 00:16:29,571 Oh. Uh, honey. 463 00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:31,873 You know what, honey? 464 00:16:31,941 --> 00:16:35,210 We can do pretend Botox on another day, okay? 465 00:16:35,278 --> 00:16:37,279 Why? 466 00:16:37,346 --> 00:16:39,247 Because Daddy has to go sell 467 00:16:39,315 --> 00:16:41,383 a Mexican product to Americans 468 00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:43,051 so that Japanese people 469 00:16:43,119 --> 00:16:44,452 can make money. 470 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,588 I'm sorry. 471 00:16:46,656 --> 00:16:49,257 - Bye. - Bye. 472 00:16:53,296 --> 00:16:55,430 - Jess, is he not my dad? - Is he not my son? 473 00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:57,265 Before I answer that, I want you guys to know 474 00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:59,567 I had an accomplice in this, and her name is Google. 475 00:16:59,635 --> 00:17:00,769 Maybe I'm a little confused here. 476 00:17:00,836 --> 00:17:02,304 I called you "Dad," you called me "son" 477 00:17:02,371 --> 00:17:03,972 for hours. I sat on your lap. 478 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,440 We ate pistachios together. 479 00:17:05,508 --> 00:17:07,809 I love pistachios. She told me 480 00:17:07,877 --> 00:17:09,577 that you were my son, and I believed her. 481 00:17:09,645 --> 00:17:12,280 I mean, you could be. The '80s were a blur. 482 00:17:12,348 --> 00:17:14,883 And I toured the country in a Van Morrison cover band. 483 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,618 You did? Did you play the Portland Rec Center? 484 00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:19,521 Oh, maybe. It was a wild time back then. 485 00:17:35,997 --> 00:17:38,620 I can't, I can't, uh... 486 00:17:38,698 --> 00:17:40,608 I-I got to go. I can't, I can't be here right now. 487 00:17:42,411 --> 00:17:43,745 Oh! 488 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,180 - Oh. - Ooh! 489 00:17:52,207 --> 00:17:54,474 Mr. Yukimura, uh, I apologize. 490 00:17:54,537 --> 00:17:56,471 - Sell me some salsa. - Okay, here we go. 491 00:17:56,539 --> 00:17:58,402 Well, what do we know about salsa? 492 00:17:58,477 --> 00:18:00,879 We know that it's a gift... 493 00:18:00,934 --> 00:18:02,868 from another culture. 494 00:18:07,707 --> 00:18:09,341 Schmidt? 495 00:18:10,304 --> 00:18:12,739 Are you with us? 496 00:18:13,731 --> 00:18:16,782 Yes. Uh, it's just... 497 00:18:18,651 --> 00:18:21,420 You don't know how important salsa is until it's gone. 498 00:18:21,487 --> 00:18:24,590 You keep it in the back of your fridge, taking for granted 499 00:18:24,657 --> 00:18:26,191 that it'll be there. 500 00:18:26,259 --> 00:18:27,593 But once it's gone, 501 00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:30,262 you realize you can't go a single day without it. 502 00:18:30,330 --> 00:18:34,433 Se?or Cha Cha's Salsa: 503 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:37,235 the salsa that belongs in the front of your fridge. 504 00:18:40,292 --> 00:18:43,094 Sure. Throw in a dragon with a sombrero and I'm in. 505 00:18:43,125 --> 00:18:44,242 Great job. 506 00:18:45,094 --> 00:18:46,610 Moshi moshi. 507 00:18:46,779 --> 00:18:49,114 Hi, Mama Bear and Papa Bear. 508 00:18:49,182 --> 00:18:52,317 Goldilocks is here with an apology, 509 00:18:52,385 --> 00:18:55,087 - and it's gonna be just right. - Aly? 510 00:18:55,154 --> 00:18:57,255 - Uh-huh. - Will you please tell Jess to leave? 511 00:18:57,323 --> 00:18:58,790 You're not gonna talk to her? 512 00:18:58,858 --> 00:19:01,093 It's okay. Winston can talk to me when he's ready. 513 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,495 Baby, she didn't do it on purpose. 514 00:19:03,563 --> 00:19:07,466 It's not her fault that she has zero detective skills, 515 00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:09,568 and there's another Van Bishop in Los Angeles. 516 00:19:09,636 --> 00:19:11,336 Which is crazy. 517 00:19:11,404 --> 00:19:13,305 - Her heart was in the right place. - It was, and 518 00:19:13,373 --> 00:19:16,608 should I have let a strange man in the house? No! 519 00:19:16,676 --> 00:19:19,611 Will it take a very long time for you to forgive me? 520 00:19:19,679 --> 00:19:21,313 Yes. Years. 521 00:19:24,484 --> 00:19:26,284 Okay. I get it. 522 00:19:26,352 --> 00:19:27,853 I'll go. Um... 523 00:19:30,823 --> 00:19:34,826 I think this belongs to Leslie now. 524 00:19:39,999 --> 00:19:43,835 For what it's worth, you are more prepared to be a father 525 00:19:43,903 --> 00:19:46,518 than anyone I know, and that includes Schmidt. 526 00:19:46,588 --> 00:19:49,916 And look, you'll have good days and bad days. 527 00:19:49,978 --> 00:19:51,576 But you'll never be alone. 528 00:19:51,635 --> 00:19:55,662 And just remember, you don't have to have had a dad 529 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:56,682 to be a great dad. 530 00:20:04,590 --> 00:20:05,924 Here. 531 00:20:07,093 --> 00:20:10,228 Thank you. I won't let you down. 532 00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,153 And you know what your mom looks like, 533 00:20:12,215 --> 00:20:13,715 so I'm never gonna present you 534 00:20:13,739 --> 00:20:14,932 - with a fake mom... - Mm. 535 00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:16,090 - I'll stop. - Too soon. 536 00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:17,456 Hey, family, 537 00:20:17,481 --> 00:20:19,304 I've been sitting on the curb the last two hours, thinking. 538 00:20:19,372 --> 00:20:21,106 Look, I know I'm not your real dad, 539 00:20:21,174 --> 00:20:22,774 but a part of me wishes I was. 540 00:20:22,842 --> 00:20:24,476 You know, you're a hell of a kid. 541 00:20:24,544 --> 00:20:27,112 So if you ever need somebody to play catch with you, 542 00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:28,547 or give you the real deal 543 00:20:28,614 --> 00:20:31,049 when you step out of line, give me a call. 544 00:20:31,117 --> 00:20:33,018 Nah, dawg. I'm good. 545 00:20:33,086 --> 00:20:34,953 That makes sense. 546 00:20:41,561 --> 00:20:43,862 - Okay. - Okay. 547 00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:46,998 Am I still wearing makeup? 548 00:20:47,066 --> 00:20:50,001 You look like my grandmother right before she went insane. 549 00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:51,369 Good, great. 550 00:20:52,739 --> 00:20:54,673 I'm sorry I went overboard with the binders before. 551 00:20:54,741 --> 00:20:56,508 No, no. I'm sorry. 552 00:20:56,576 --> 00:21:00,412 I honestly don't know how you do this every single day. 553 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:01,713 How was work? 554 00:21:01,781 --> 00:21:03,749 - Frickin' crushed it. - Oh, great. 555 00:21:03,816 --> 00:21:06,184 - And I think I want to quit. - What? Really? 556 00:21:06,252 --> 00:21:09,855 I just kept wishing that I was here, taking care of Ruth. 557 00:21:09,922 --> 00:21:11,590 It's the best job I've ever had. 558 00:21:11,657 --> 00:21:16,361 What would you think if... I was home full-time? 559 00:21:16,429 --> 00:21:21,066 I think that anything that makes you happy 560 00:21:21,134 --> 00:21:23,702 and keeps those binders away from me, 561 00:21:23,770 --> 00:21:25,771 that's what you should do. 562 00:21:31,153 --> 00:21:32,144 Aah! 563 00:21:32,169 --> 00:21:33,678 - What is that? Bear! - Yeah. 564 00:21:37,434 --> 00:21:39,458 And stay out! 565 00:21:40,068 --> 00:21:41,535 You bear! 566 00:21:45,681 --> 00:21:48,426 It's all clear, honey! I got rid of him! 567 00:21:48,621 --> 00:21:53,621 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com