Your Holiness.
Miss Stone, please, I would be eternally grateful
if during the course of our conversation
you avoided the uncrossing and re-crossing of your legs.
Sure.
What gift have you brought me?
I brought myself.
Isn't that enough?
It would have been had you only promised
to stay here for the rest of your life
but I fear you will depart
and I will be left with no tangible memory of you.
Well, um...
Um...
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I shall have those placed in a most special reliquary.
You have beautiful feet, however, they are rather large.
My only defect.
- Do you have any defects, Holy Father? - I am the defect.
I am defectus.
Defectus in Latin means "missing".
I've missed myself.
Do you know the cure for that? Family.
I find that children fill that void.
I'm sure you realise for me
that's not particularly practical advice.
Well, you could drop that soutane.
Hm...
By the way, I am very honoured to meet you, Your Holiness
and I haven't just come here out of some human curiosity.
- I do have a plea. - I am delighted to hear.
Gay marriage for Catholics.
When will this pointless taboo be eliminated?
When the Church has a brave, revolutionary, resolute Pope.
Qualities none of which I possess.
What a shame.
Even though homosexuality is not a sin
sexual acts outside of marriage are.
According to the Bible, sex is intended solely for procreation
therefore, between a man and a woman.
Can't the Bible be upgraded?
Alas, the Bible is not an iPhone.
Again, what a shame.
Not at all. Anything that can be upgraded, like an iPhone
eventually ends up in the bin, only to be replaced by a more expensive model.
The Bible has endured for a very long time
and its value has changed little, if at all.
- Because it can't be upgraded. - Exactly.
I suppose it's not even a matter of upgrading
it's more a matter of somehow bridging the enormous gap
between the sacred and the sinful.
Quite a long ladder is needed. The ladder of time.
By broaching this subject, you and I have already lessened that gap
a small step, granted, but a step nevertheless.
And this is supposed to make me feel better?
Yes, of course.
I read that you have an IQ of 154. A genius, practically.
There's nothing ordinary about you
and you geniuses know that life evolves in spite of us
in spite of lawyers and artisans
politicians and bricklayers, university professors...
geniuses... and popes.
- Could I have a glass of water? - Of course you may.
You may have a gin and tonic, if you like.
It's a little early for a gin and tonic.
It's never too early for a gin and tonic.
Cheers.
Allow me, if I may...
to take advantage of your intellect for some moments longer.
Apart from allowing people of the same sex to marry
what would you suggest the Catholic Church could do
in order to make itself more eloquent?
Well...
In the end...
what will remain of you...
besides a load of magnificent art
commissioned by you in the Renaissance period from all of the greatest artists?
There are great artists now.
But you ignore them.
So life passes, art remains.
Well, art passes too, but...
a little more slowly because art is more cunning.
Hm...
Holy Father, my adductor longus is falling asleep.
May I cross my legs the other way?
One moment, if you would.
Now you may.
Uh... done.
There, you see?
We did it. Once again, hale fellows, we made the sacrifice.
Do not despair.
Some day we will all come to appreciate the beauty of sacrifice.
Though not today.
So?
- What is the Pope gonna do? - I don't know.
- And you, how are you, Voiello? - Nervous.
That's not new, is it?
This caliph is keeping me up at night.
Whatever you decide, my one word of advice is: prudence.
The only principle unscrupulous men
like ourselves must always adhere to is
if you don't have proof, you don't have proof.
- I need some air. - Seriously, Voiello...
Now, when you can finally breathe easy.
Up until yesterday, thanks to your excessive sexual exploits
you were the quintessential culprits
but now after that despicable attack in Lourdes, you have become victims.
The wind is shifting, my friend.
You better fan it.
- I hadn't thought of that. - Oh, that's why I'm here.
I think of everything, speaking of which...
a mean old bird keeps squawking
about a Spalletta-Tomas Altbruck alliance.
It is not a mean old bird.
It is a splendid sparrow.
I suspected that was you.
I need to know what's behind it.
How about that typical human weakness also known as greed?
- They are going to crash and burn. - So let them.
Let them because afterwards you'll be back again, stronger than ever.
I can't let the Pope crash and burn.
- The Pope can't be compromised. - You asking for my help?
Not yet.
How's the movie?
- What are you going to do? - One word comes to mind.
To mine too, one to be avoided at all costs...
Islamic.
That's not the word I was thinking of.
If you found the right word in Lourdes
it would be a giant leap forward for your papacy.
A leap that would make your authoritativeness unstoppable.
I have great faith in you.
That is the private number to my apartment.
Only Danny has it. Danny, and now you.
Phone, if you like.
Whenever you want.
Did you appoint my husband head of the financial organisation
because you have faith in me?
No.
So, why him of all people?
Nietzsche said that the Christians' decisions
see the world as ugly and evil
has made the world ugly and evil.
We shall go to Lourdes.
I will speak and old Nietzsche will have to change his mind.
Mascara?
No.
No...
No!
- No! - No!
Adam?
Adam!
- Come on, let's go for a ride! - I can't, I'm writing.
You'll be sorry.
Holy Father...
the press is positively enthusiastic about your "no".
Even the usual fault finders
days later, continue to praise your greatness.
Take a look at this.
What do you think, Voiello?
A spiritual and human synthesis
that has touched people's hearts.
The media value is irrefutable.
So, in other words, no actual value. Is that what you mean to say?
- To be brutally honest... - You are always brutal, Voiello.
To be brutally honest, Holy Father
after that "no", it is quite reasonable to expect
that thought would translate into action.
So, what is it you would have me do?
Rally a papal army and march it off to battle Islamic terrorism?
He's even more brutal than you.
Of course not, there are intermediary measures.
Measures that would weaken the success of that "no".
I agree that "no" is a moral declaration of the greatest significance.
The Pope produces symbols
the vulgar act of explanation must fall to others.
So, Voiello, you seem to be in the minority
but that does not mean you're wrong.
I have been in the minority all my life, Your Holiness.
In fact, I belong to such a small minority
that I am the only member.
I will articulate my thinking during the interview with Emory Kitsworth.
Lourdes was not the place for that.
What was needed there was a spectacular emotional expression.
However, if it makes you happier
to refer to it as a slogan, go ahead.
Exactly.
When would you like to do the interview, Holy Father?
Kitsworth is quivering in anticipation.
I'm not ready yet, but I will let you know soon.
Of course, I must be fully prepared, so as not to disappoint Voiello.
Where are you going?
To an informal meeting.
- Sounds sordid. - It is.
I can't.
Why not?
Because I can't anymore.
I have news.
I think I'm pregnant.
Here I am.
I was about to hang up, I didn't think you were going to answer.
I wanted you to believe your call
wasn't important to me.
And instead have you been waiting for me to call?
My whole life.
What are you doing this evening?
Don't misunderstand me.
A highly unusual choice for a first date, Holy Father.
The catacombs are the closest thing to a nightclub
a priest has.
So, are we looking for the bar now?
Not exactly.
The tomb of Francis II.
I thought it appropriate I pay him a visit as well.
- Shall we pray? - Yes.
Do you also find Francis II's death
mysterious and inexplicable?
No, I believe the official line, cardiac arrest.
You know, you may be the only one who does.
I know.
I also know that the usual rumours are circulating about Voiello.
Yet you pay them no heed.
No, I don't.
For years Voiello has been the scapegoat for everything here in the Vatican.
And you admire Voiello...
We work well together.
We're both good chess players
even though we have never seen a chess board in our lives.
Are there conspiracies about me?
Not as far as I know.
Only persistent questions which are the premise for a great deal of gossip.
Do tell.
People are asking, "Is this Pope porcelain or steel?"
Why not something in between? Fiberglass.
And then there is that eternal refrain.
Which is?
Is he gay or straight?
- Now I'll tell you a bit of gossip. - Wow! Please do.
In the conclave, Lenny Belardo received one vote.
I know that. It's all anyone has been talking about for days.
But what you do not know is who cast that vote.
No, no one ever figured it out.
That was my vote.
Why?
Because God does not like me.
Do you know why I became a priest?
No.
Because religion is a narrative
a story that is told, an incredibly successful story
seeing that God is the most popular protagonist in history.
I would never have been satisfied
devoting my life to minor narratives
as are found in literature, film, music...
Those, at best, can only be enjoyable pastimes.
And what is it that interests you most in the religious narrative?
The incessant inquiry into the greatest mystery of all
the nature of man.
Hence the clergy's incessant question
gay or straight?
I shall only say that I was a punk when I was young.
That seems to me far more interesting.
We have to set a date for that interview.
I know now what I want to say to Kitsworth.
If I'm not being indiscreet, could I at least ask you
what subject you would discuss with Kitsworth?
That man cannot be changed, but he can be diverted.
I'm not really all that sure, Your Holiness, what the subject would be.
Paedophilia among the clergy and all the sexual abuse
that is the issue that matters most to me.
For if we forgive them, they will do it again
and if we punish them, we are not practicing Christian charity.
- But is there another way? - There is always another way.
And I believe I was called to the papacy to chart it.
Sick loves cannot be treated, Sofia.
You can treat cancer, but not love.
One possibility, then, is to shift the object of love.
How do you do that?
Tell me.
During the interview
I'm going to make an extraordinary overture.
I intend to state that I am in favour
of marriage for priests, both gay and straight.
We have to legitimise "possible" love
so as to divert people from "aberrant" love
which is a form of violence.
I am not so naive
as to think that this is the solution, but...
as a way of limiting the damage, it could well work.
Holy Father, you're proposing to upgrade the Bible
as if it were an iPhone.
You're an intelligent and tireless worker, Sofia.
Could you not come up with a more suitable metaphor, please?
I will.
An announcement of this sort is a giant leap.
A small step, and hopefully...
less tears in the great ocean of human history.
This will be a bomb, a genuine bomb.
No... this is the middle way.
It's 1,100 euro.
100 for Don Mario and 1,000 for Attanasio.
And now a word to our listeners.
We at Radio 103
have decided to alter our programming.
As of today, no more music, no more entertainment
we will be broadcasting one thing only
Pope Pius XIII's breathing...
live from the intensive care unit
of San Giovanni e Paolo Hospital in Venice.
And this is the fact that no doctor is able to explain
after 415 breaths, the Pope let out a sigh.
Then 414 breaths, followed by another sigh.
So now, we're expecting 413 breaths and then a sigh.
What does it all mean?
He has come back!
Pius XIII is back!
Turn off that radio, please.
All this fanfare over Lenny Belardo's breathing
has made quite an impression on the masses.
An increase in the idolatry of Pius XIII will be immediate.
Your Holiness, that interview with Kitsworth
is indispensable to refocus attention on you.
Not yet.
How many breaths now before he gives a sigh?