1 00:00:18,288 --> 00:00:19,720 What do you want to know? 2 00:00:19,847 --> 00:00:21,120 Um... 3 00:00:23,603 --> 00:00:26,558 See that? A clock, calculator in one. 4 00:00:27,759 --> 00:00:29,668 That's free. Thank you. 5 00:00:32,874 --> 00:00:34,464 Oh, here we go. 6 00:00:34,672 --> 00:00:37,137 Three. 7 00:00:37,269 --> 00:00:39,622 David, Paul Shepherd, Can you give us a call? 8 00:00:39,747 --> 00:00:41,020 No! 9 00:00:41,785 --> 00:00:44,342 Dave, I't's Julian, Can you give us a ring, please? 10 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:45,735 Go away! 11 00:00:45,861 --> 00:00:47,736 Good bloke. Good laugh. 12 00:00:47,859 --> 00:00:49,210 David, I't's Paul again... 13 00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,167 Leave me alone! 14 00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:58,120 It's fine. It is fine... 15 00:00:58,248 --> 00:01:00,202 That's OK. It doesn't matter. 16 00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:02,155 Take that there... 17 00:01:02,284 --> 00:01:03,716 That's the old office. 18 00:01:03,843 --> 00:01:05,399 Let's get you started. 19 00:01:08,878 --> 00:01:11,708 No one is going to lose their jobs. 20 00:01:11,835 --> 00:01:15,141 Yes, Head Office are talking of downsizing, 21 00:01:15,271 --> 00:01:16,942 but they've said clearly 22 00:01:17,070 --> 00:01:20,695 that the most efficient branch will incorporate the other one. 23 00:01:20,826 --> 00:01:22,621 We are the most efficient branch - 24 00:01:22,744 --> 00:01:25,301 cogito ergo sum - we'll be fine. 25 00:01:25,421 --> 00:01:28,058 Why should they be worried, yeah? 26 00:01:28,178 --> 00:01:29,769 They trust me I'mplicitly, 27 00:01:29,977 --> 00:01:33,090 I said there won't be redundancies, so that becomes gospel. 28 00:01:33,213 --> 00:01:35,566 Unconditional trust. It's nice. 29 00:01:35,691 --> 00:01:37,998 Mutual. Likewise. Reciprocated. 30 00:01:38,128 --> 00:01:41,595 My only worry is that the powers that be don't come down here, 31 00:01:41,725 --> 00:01:44,680 pop their head round the door with their rule book, 32 00:01:44,802 --> 00:01:47,871 and go, 'Oh, hold on, what's going on here? 33 00:01:47,999 --> 00:01:49,828 'These people are mucking around. ' 34 00:01:49,957 --> 00:01:52,946 Whilst getting the job done, they're having a laugh at work 35 00:01:53,073 --> 00:01:55,505 with the Sword of Damocles hanging over them. 36 00:01:55,631 --> 00:01:57,938 'This isn't in the rule book. Who's in charge?' 37 00:01:58,068 --> 00:02:00,102 Guilty! Get a new rule book! 38 00:02:00,226 --> 00:02:01,499 All right? 39 00:02:01,825 --> 00:02:03,495 It works with the turtle. 40 00:02:05,061 --> 00:02:06,379 OK. Good. 41 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:08,887 Finally, this young lady is Donna... 42 00:02:10,936 --> 00:02:14,163 daughter of my best friends, Ron and Elaine. 43 00:02:14,292 --> 00:02:17,167 She's lodging with me, so she's my responsibility, 44 00:02:17,289 --> 00:02:20,596 and her dad's not only a copper, but he's a bloody big bugger, 45 00:02:20,726 --> 00:02:22,077 so hands off. 46 00:02:22,204 --> 00:02:24,762 I've got something she could take down in evidence! 47 00:02:24,882 --> 00:02:26,154 Don't worry about this. 48 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,792 Do you want to receive some swollen goods? 49 00:02:29,397 --> 00:02:31,351 Wouldn't mind escaping up her tunnel! 50 00:02:31,475 --> 00:02:32,827 Get out. 51 00:02:34,992 --> 00:02:36,582 Get out. I mean it. 52 00:02:45,661 --> 00:02:46,934 Shame. 53 00:02:55,291 --> 00:02:57,484 I will not have her tunnel 54 00:02:57,609 --> 00:03:00,995 bandied around this office willy nilly. 55 00:03:10,436 --> 00:03:11,948 OK. Help her to settle in. 56 00:03:12,074 --> 00:03:14,427 If you do have any trouble from the men... 57 00:03:14,552 --> 00:03:17,427 What does she do, Dawn? - Kick them in the balls. 58 00:03:17,549 --> 00:03:19,742 Oh! Feminist. - Get your bra off. 59 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,822 Do you want to go out? - Sorry. Burn your bra. Feminists. 60 00:03:22,944 --> 00:03:24,216 Good point. 61 00:03:24,342 --> 00:03:26,900 Obviously keep a T-shirt on, like Charlie Dimmock. 62 00:03:27,019 --> 00:03:28,576 OK. That's it. 63 00:04:00,546 --> 00:04:03,182 What are you doing? That's ridiculous. 64 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:07,931 Hello. Wernham Hogg. 65 00:04:09,697 --> 00:04:11,208 Hang on. I'll put you through. 66 00:04:11,415 --> 00:04:14,563 That is... You won't need to use that. 67 00:04:15,691 --> 00:04:17,997 You've met this lot. This is Gareth, 68 00:04:18,128 --> 00:04:20,003 who you saw in the meeting. 69 00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:22,116 Formal introductions. 70 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,758 Hi. Gareth. Welcome. 71 00:04:24,882 --> 00:04:26,632 Just a handshake's fine. 72 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,952 And Ricky. - Hi. Nice to meet you. 73 00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:31,189 Even longer. 74 00:04:31,315 --> 00:04:32,713 And Tim. 75 00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:34,106 Hello. - Good. 76 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:38,858 OK. Settle her in. Get her started. Show her the phones and everything. 77 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:41,215 First, methinks the lady dost need a chair! 78 00:04:41,345 --> 00:04:42,618 To sit down. 79 00:04:43,703 --> 00:04:45,498 Maybe she should sit down here. 80 00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:47,927 Then I could teach her the ropes. 81 00:04:48,058 --> 00:04:50,570 That's my responsibility as team leader. 82 00:04:51,135 --> 00:04:53,203 David? I'm just saying... 83 00:04:54,052 --> 00:04:56,484 When people say... 84 00:04:56,610 --> 00:05:00,599 'Would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?' 85 00:05:00,726 --> 00:05:04,078 my answer's the same - to me, they're not mutually exclusive. 86 00:05:04,202 --> 00:05:07,986 There's a weight of intellect behind my comedy. Yeah? 87 00:05:08,118 --> 00:05:10,550 If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, 88 00:05:10,676 --> 00:05:14,426 I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... 89 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:18,578 You know. I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. 90 00:05:19,467 --> 00:05:20,785 Sessions. 91 00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:28,734 Have you got a licence to carry that? 92 00:05:29,617 --> 00:05:31,571 Portable phone. Right? 93 00:05:31,695 --> 00:05:34,252 Can you swap places with Donna, please? 94 00:05:34,652 --> 00:05:36,527 No... I'm not moving. 95 00:05:37,209 --> 00:05:38,766 Do as you're told. 96 00:05:38,887 --> 00:05:40,797 What are you going to do, phone me? 97 00:05:42,204 --> 00:05:44,557 I am team leader. - I don't give a monkey's. 98 00:05:44,682 --> 00:05:45,954 You're so immature. 99 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:50,786 Oh, Gareth, if there's one thing that I'm not, it is immature. 100 00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,745 An immature little tosser. 101 00:05:57,749 --> 00:05:59,499 Gareth Keenan. - Cock. 102 00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:04,700 So... - David, I was just saying to Tim... 103 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,532 Looks like a... Doesn't it? 104 00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:10,454 Gun holster. - It's just my portable telephone. 105 00:06:10,576 --> 00:06:13,928 I was just saying to Tim maybe... - I just thought of something. 106 00:06:16,570 --> 00:06:19,479 I know what you're thinking, did I make five or six calls? 107 00:06:24,362 --> 00:06:27,271 The question is, do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya? 108 00:06:27,998 --> 00:06:29,907 Clint Eastwood. - Spot on. 109 00:06:32,674 --> 00:06:34,264 Let's let them get on with it. 110 00:06:37,149 --> 00:06:40,297 We're all on-line here. Hooked up... 111 00:06:41,345 --> 00:06:43,413 to the Worldwide Web - Internet. 112 00:06:43,543 --> 00:06:44,974 No shopping. All right? 113 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,734 Everyone's got e-mail. Have you used e-mail before? 114 00:06:49,856 --> 00:06:51,652 Yeah. - Yeah. It's easy, isn't it? 115 00:06:51,774 --> 00:06:54,808 I'll just show her on here. - Yeah. 116 00:06:54,931 --> 00:06:57,568 Oh, you got a new one. See where it says 'New mail'? 117 00:06:57,689 --> 00:06:59,006 Just click on that. 118 00:07:00,566 --> 00:07:01,838 No. 119 00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:04,522 No, it's not... Yeah. It's not funny. 120 00:07:04,642 --> 00:07:07,472 Donna should not have to see me 121 00:07:07,599 --> 00:07:10,190 as a woman with two men doing that all over me. 122 00:07:10,316 --> 00:07:11,793 You got nice boobs. 123 00:07:11,914 --> 00:07:14,426 No. It's just my head. They've put it on there... 124 00:07:16,230 --> 00:07:18,139 Who else has seen this filth? 125 00:07:18,268 --> 00:07:20,222 You know what I'm talking about. 126 00:07:26,939 --> 00:07:28,768 You haven't even got e-mail, Joan. 127 00:07:28,897 --> 00:07:30,772 Someone printed it out for me. 128 00:07:32,254 --> 00:07:33,810 Who printed this out for Joan? 129 00:07:37,009 --> 00:07:39,475 Well... I'm angry. 130 00:07:39,607 --> 00:07:41,879 And not because I'm in it, 131 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:45,232 but because it degrades women... 132 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,517 which I hate. 133 00:07:48,717 --> 00:07:51,593 And the culprit, whoever it is, is in this room. 134 00:07:51,714 --> 00:07:53,782 Or she. It could be a woman. 135 00:07:53,912 --> 00:07:55,741 Women are as filthy as men. 136 00:07:55,870 --> 00:07:58,063 Naming no names - I don't know any - 137 00:07:58,188 --> 00:08:00,654 but women are dirty. 138 00:08:05,141 --> 00:08:08,175 Good friend of mine and a bloody good rep - Chris Finch. 139 00:08:08,298 --> 00:08:11,843 IQ of 142. One of the cleverest blokes I know. 140 00:08:11,974 --> 00:08:14,406 The cleverest bloke you know. - Yeah. 141 00:08:14,532 --> 00:08:16,521 He was in an argument once and he went, 142 00:08:16,650 --> 00:08:19,445 'How can I hate women? My mum's one. ' 143 00:08:22,604 --> 00:08:24,671 Yeah? There's a lot of truth in that. 144 00:08:24,801 --> 00:08:27,710 That's why when I see... rubbish. 145 00:08:27,838 --> 00:08:30,952 I'm not annoyed because I'm in it or I'm a prude. 146 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:35,027 It offends women. - And our mums. 147 00:08:35,231 --> 00:08:39,186 In a way. It's sexist, and I hate that. 148 00:08:39,307 --> 00:08:41,341 So do I. - Yeah, but I've said it. 149 00:08:41,465 --> 00:08:44,022 We've had meetings where we've both said it. 150 00:08:44,142 --> 00:08:46,017 But I really hate it. - I've always... 151 00:08:47,139 --> 00:08:49,253 The point is this, yeah, 152 00:08:49,377 --> 00:08:52,605 we've got access to the Internet, but it is not censored. 153 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,245 Is that a good or a bad thing? 154 00:08:54,372 --> 00:08:56,281 Bad. - Well, it's not for us to say. 155 00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:58,478 All I know is I can type in... 156 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,565 'Sex... 157 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:02,398 'Fetish. ' 158 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,718 It takes a little while. 159 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,386 2,230 matches. Yeah? 160 00:09:10,196 --> 00:09:11,991 Just click on one at random. 161 00:09:13,073 --> 00:09:14,346 Oh... 162 00:09:14,472 --> 00:09:17,381 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs. ' 163 00:09:17,509 --> 00:09:20,578 Now, you do not punish someone for having big boobs. 164 00:09:20,705 --> 00:09:22,581 If anything, they should be rewarded. 165 00:09:22,703 --> 00:09:24,771 They should be equal. - Women are equal. 166 00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:26,413 I've always said that, so... 167 00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:30,846 Do you want to play with my hair? - Huh? 168 00:09:30,975 --> 00:09:33,089 Play with my hair. - All right, then. 169 00:09:36,290 --> 00:09:39,165 I've got kind of hot hands. Sorry. 170 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,480 That's all right. Just don't touch my head. 171 00:09:44,282 --> 00:09:46,271 All it is... 172 00:09:47,918 --> 00:09:49,191 Well... 173 00:09:50,755 --> 00:09:52,028 Donna. 174 00:09:52,154 --> 00:09:54,268 Yeah? My responsibility. 175 00:09:54,392 --> 00:09:57,142 Away from home. I know boys will be boys. 176 00:09:58,667 --> 00:10:00,099 Word from the top is... 177 00:10:00,665 --> 00:10:02,177 Hands off. - Yeah. 178 00:10:02,304 --> 00:10:03,815 Out of bounds. - Yeah. 179 00:10:03,942 --> 00:10:06,976 Look, but don't touch. - What do you mean by look? 180 00:10:07,179 --> 00:10:09,054 Talk to her, be friendly... 181 00:10:09,177 --> 00:10:11,370 Don't get any ideas. - Yeah. Good. 182 00:10:12,773 --> 00:10:14,046 Fine. 183 00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:17,686 What if she's up for it? 184 00:10:19,127 --> 00:10:20,683 You want to get this sorted out. 185 00:10:20,805 --> 00:10:22,522 What can we play now? - Don't know. 186 00:10:23,602 --> 00:10:26,194 Ask around. Find out who did the picture, yes. 187 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,309 Discreetly. - Undercover. 188 00:10:28,438 --> 00:10:32,109 Well, don't go steaming in accusing people. 189 00:10:32,234 --> 00:10:33,507 OK? 190 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:36,224 I'm trained in this. When I was in the army. 191 00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:38,577 Territorial. - Territorial Army. 192 00:10:38,707 --> 00:10:40,536 Yeah. Whatever. OK? 193 00:10:40,665 --> 00:10:43,416 OK. I will need some stuff. 194 00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:44,815 Like what? 195 00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:46,813 An office. 196 00:10:46,939 --> 00:10:50,894 Use the meeting room for now. - I can say it's my office, can I? 197 00:10:51,175 --> 00:10:52,448 What? 198 00:10:52,573 --> 00:10:55,005 I can say to people, 'Come into my office'? 199 00:10:55,131 --> 00:10:56,926 Well, while you're doing this, yeah. 200 00:10:57,049 --> 00:10:58,367 Right. 201 00:10:58,488 --> 00:11:00,919 I'll make a sign. - You don't need a sign. 202 00:11:01,045 --> 00:11:05,034 And if I need the meeting room for a meeting, it's the meeting room. 203 00:11:05,161 --> 00:11:08,036 Right. I'll take the sign down. - You don't need a sign. 204 00:11:08,158 --> 00:11:09,953 Don't make a sign. 205 00:11:11,075 --> 00:11:12,506 Gareth Keenan. 206 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:14,906 Who's that? - No one. 207 00:11:21,664 --> 00:11:24,653 No, I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. Bye. 208 00:11:25,221 --> 00:11:26,618 That's that, OK? 209 00:11:26,739 --> 00:11:28,773 You go left, you go right, kick. 210 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,011 It's ding ding da! 211 00:11:31,135 --> 00:11:33,169 Yeah, but I never said that was... 212 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,679 No, that was straight from 'Thriller' though. 213 00:11:35,810 --> 00:11:38,924 Because 'Eeeh hee! Ah! Show more!' 214 00:11:39,047 --> 00:11:41,001 It's that. - Afternoon, Mr Jackson. 215 00:11:41,125 --> 00:11:44,000 I know you're a superstar, but have you sent that fax yet? 216 00:11:46,599 --> 00:11:48,747 Have you heard um...? Have you heard er... 217 00:11:48,877 --> 00:11:50,513 Michael Jackson's new song? 218 00:11:50,635 --> 00:11:53,465 He's teamed up with West Ham football team, apparently. 219 00:11:53,592 --> 00:11:55,546 Doing, 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles'! 220 00:11:59,546 --> 00:12:00,864 The chimp. 221 00:12:01,025 --> 00:12:04,536 She doesn't know football. Tell her later. 222 00:12:04,661 --> 00:12:07,456 Have you heard George Michaeis latest release? 223 00:12:07,578 --> 00:12:10,806 No. - His latest song. It's a release... 224 00:12:10,935 --> 00:12:13,367 Is it about blow jobs? - Yeah. It was a hand job. 225 00:12:13,492 --> 00:12:15,765 Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go Go'? 226 00:12:18,767 --> 00:12:20,040 Um... 227 00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,956 What's white and slides down toilet walls? 228 00:12:24,082 --> 00:12:26,718 I don't know. - Michael Jackson's latest release. 229 00:12:26,839 --> 00:12:28,351 George Michaeis. 230 00:12:30,276 --> 00:12:31,832 Good, innit? Oh. 231 00:12:31,954 --> 00:12:34,307 Can you moonwalk? - Probably not any more. 232 00:12:34,431 --> 00:12:36,579 Give it a go? - Yeah. I used to... 233 00:12:36,709 --> 00:12:39,425 Drop your heels back. - You can't do it on this. 234 00:12:39,546 --> 00:12:43,331 Oh, yeah, I know how to do it. I used to do all that stuff as well. 235 00:12:45,021 --> 00:12:49,056 All that sort of stuff, yeah. Just like take control of the body. 236 00:12:49,177 --> 00:12:50,688 It's all that now, isn't it? 237 00:12:50,815 --> 00:12:52,690 Busy? - Yes, er... 238 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,131 Keeping up morale. 239 00:12:54,252 --> 00:12:56,002 Can we have a chat? - Yeah. 240 00:12:59,406 --> 00:13:00,679 Ooh! 241 00:13:04,042 --> 00:13:06,076 Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith... 242 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,597 Thanks for coming in. 243 00:13:08,358 --> 00:13:12,188 Now, you know what this is about. Obviously you've seen the picture. 244 00:13:12,314 --> 00:13:14,427 David on the computer... - I saw it. 245 00:13:14,551 --> 00:13:16,983 Yeah. And we've all had a bit of a laugh about it. 246 00:13:17,109 --> 00:13:18,540 It was funny. - Yeah. 247 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,338 There's a time when the joking has to stop. 248 00:13:22,224 --> 00:13:23,814 Not only is it derogatory... 249 00:13:24,421 --> 00:13:26,933 David has trusted me with this because... 250 00:13:27,738 --> 00:13:29,806 not only have I got people skills, 251 00:13:29,936 --> 00:13:32,891 but I am trained I'n covert operations, 252 00:13:33,852 --> 00:13:36,602 You know the phrase 'Softly softly catchee monkey'? 253 00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:40,957 I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could. 254 00:13:41,085 --> 00:13:44,279 I would make poison darts out of the poison off deadly frogs. 255 00:13:44,801 --> 00:13:49,188 On milligram of that poison can kill a monkey, or a man. 256 00:13:49,317 --> 00:13:51,953 Prick yourself, you'd be dead within a day. 257 00:13:52,074 --> 00:13:53,391 Or longer. 258 00:13:53,512 --> 00:13:55,263 Different frogs, different times. 259 00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,500 Do you know who done the picture? 260 00:13:58,627 --> 00:13:59,900 Yup. 261 00:14:00,026 --> 00:14:01,377 No. I mean, no. 262 00:14:03,223 --> 00:14:06,178 Right. Your first answer was yeah. 263 00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:08,447 Wasn't it? - I meant no. 264 00:14:08,857 --> 00:14:12,448 Well, why did you get...? - I er... don't know. 265 00:14:12,573 --> 00:14:14,323 Am I making you nervous? 266 00:14:14,451 --> 00:14:16,168 No. I mean, yeah. 267 00:14:17,488 --> 00:14:18,840 Hmm, that's interesting. 268 00:14:19,047 --> 00:14:23,320 I've just spent two days in Swindon with Neil, and he's made some big changes. 269 00:14:23,442 --> 00:14:25,272 Now, when we spoke on Friday, 270 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,946 you said you were going to instigate some changes. How is that going? 271 00:14:30,236 --> 00:14:32,428 Great. - Good. What have you done? 272 00:14:34,351 --> 00:14:35,988 Changed many things, really. 273 00:14:36,110 --> 00:14:38,701 In a global sense, streamlining, 274 00:14:38,827 --> 00:14:40,975 the whole ongoing enterprise of it. 275 00:14:41,105 --> 00:14:44,616 I'm sorry, David, that sounds like management-speak. You hate that. 276 00:14:44,741 --> 00:14:46,377 Yeah, I do. So... 277 00:14:46,499 --> 00:14:50,171 Well, can you give me, say, five practical changes that you've made? 278 00:14:50,295 --> 00:14:52,250 Five changes? - Mmm. 279 00:14:52,373 --> 00:14:55,919 I'll give you three, then another two if you need them. 280 00:14:56,130 --> 00:14:57,402 OK. 281 00:14:58,527 --> 00:15:02,233 Efficiency. Turnover. Profitability. 282 00:15:02,363 --> 00:15:04,636 That still sounds like management-speak. 283 00:15:04,761 --> 00:15:06,636 No, because... - You hate that. 284 00:15:07,918 --> 00:15:10,668 Shall I tell you what Neiis done? - Can do. 285 00:15:10,795 --> 00:15:12,704 He's frozen any wage increases. 286 00:15:12,833 --> 00:15:14,628 He's put a stop on all overtime. 287 00:15:14,751 --> 00:15:17,899 And any purchases of £100 or more now go through him. 288 00:15:18,028 --> 00:15:21,097 £100? I was going to make it 90, but £100 is all right. 289 00:15:21,225 --> 00:15:23,782 And he has started making redundancies, David. 290 00:15:23,902 --> 00:15:26,016 That's only four. - Yeah. Whatever. 291 00:15:26,140 --> 00:15:28,015 Have you made any redundancies? 292 00:15:28,138 --> 00:15:30,774 I gave a speech only this morning to my staff, 293 00:15:30,895 --> 00:15:32,884 assuring them there would be no cutbacks 294 00:15:33,013 --> 00:15:34,842 and certainly no redundancies. 295 00:15:34,971 --> 00:15:38,085 Why on earth would you do that? - Why? Don't know. 296 00:15:38,208 --> 00:15:41,401 A word that I think's important in management called morale. 297 00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:44,161 Well, it's going to be worse for morale in the long run 298 00:15:44,281 --> 00:15:47,748 when there are redundancies and you've told people there won't be. 299 00:15:51,514 --> 00:15:53,105 They won't remember. 300 00:15:55,111 --> 00:15:56,383 With your arms... 301 00:15:56,509 --> 00:15:57,861 Ah! - And then... 302 00:15:57,988 --> 00:15:59,305 That way? Ooh! 303 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:00,983 Yeah, I know. Like a... 304 00:16:01,105 --> 00:16:02,536 Yeah. 305 00:16:03,982 --> 00:16:06,413 David, there have got to be cutbacks. 306 00:16:06,539 --> 00:16:10,051 If you can't do that yourself, I'm your boss, I can do that for you. 307 00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:13,562 You're not the boss here, and I've already made cutbacks. 308 00:16:13,692 --> 00:16:15,885 You've made cutbacks already? - Yeah. 309 00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:18,078 I didn't want to tell the staff, but you... 310 00:16:18,207 --> 00:16:19,605 Cutbacks where? 311 00:16:20,525 --> 00:16:21,798 Staff. 312 00:16:21,924 --> 00:16:23,560 So there have been redundancies? 313 00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:24,955 Yeah. 314 00:16:25,081 --> 00:16:26,831 Have you let anyone go? - Yeah. 315 00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:28,356 Who? 316 00:16:29,596 --> 00:16:30,869 Julie. 317 00:16:30,995 --> 00:16:32,665 Where does Julie work? 318 00:16:35,190 --> 00:16:36,508 Warehouse. 319 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,107 What does she do? 320 00:16:39,147 --> 00:16:43,181 She's a general warehouse... in the warehouse. She was, so... 321 00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:46,530 I thought I knew everyone in the warehouse. What's her surname? 322 00:16:47,938 --> 00:16:49,335 Second name? 323 00:16:50,815 --> 00:16:52,405 Anderton. 324 00:16:53,252 --> 00:16:57,639 Um... It's signs that Gareth's made for the door of his office. 325 00:16:57,768 --> 00:17:00,837 He started off with 'interrogation room'. 326 00:17:01,724 --> 00:17:03,599 He went to 'interrogation office', 327 00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:05,199 'investigation room'... 328 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,068 'investigation office', just for... 329 00:17:08,197 --> 00:17:09,549 He really lost it here. 330 00:17:09,676 --> 00:17:12,904 'Quiet please! Invetigation in process. ' 331 00:17:14,831 --> 00:17:18,615 'Silence. Interrogation. ' That's frightening. 332 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,975 That's the one he's gone for. 'Investigation and meeting room. ' 333 00:17:22,104 --> 00:17:25,013 Makes sense. My personal favourite has to be... 334 00:17:26,060 --> 00:17:28,332 'Gareth Keenan investigates. ' 335 00:17:29,896 --> 00:17:31,168 So... 336 00:17:31,294 --> 00:17:33,011 There's a lot of um... 337 00:17:33,132 --> 00:17:35,280 I'm trying to work in here. - Sorry, mate. 338 00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:37,842 How is the 'invetigation' going? - Good. 339 00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:39,319 Very good. 340 00:17:39,446 --> 00:17:41,275 Do you need a deputy at all? 341 00:17:41,404 --> 00:17:43,836 No. I've already got one. 342 00:17:46,959 --> 00:17:48,356 All right, Sheila? 343 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:50,988 Keep it down. 344 00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:01,696 This is scary, David. 345 00:18:01,824 --> 00:18:04,699 Don't tie any more cash up in stock unless you have to. 346 00:18:04,821 --> 00:18:08,446 I'm sure you could lose more people from down here. Who's the foreman? 347 00:18:09,776 --> 00:18:11,127 Taffy! 348 00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:13,007 Taffy! 349 00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,243 Glynn! - What? 350 00:18:16,769 --> 00:18:18,405 We all call him Taffy. 351 00:18:18,887 --> 00:18:21,842 The thing is though, no one's dispensable in my book. 352 00:18:21,964 --> 00:18:24,555 We're like one big organism, one big animal. 353 00:18:24,681 --> 00:18:27,636 Yeah? The guys upstairs on the phone - they're the mouth. 354 00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,986 The guys down here, the hands. 355 00:18:30,115 --> 00:18:32,104 And what part are you? - Good question. 356 00:18:32,433 --> 00:18:33,945 Probably the humour. 357 00:18:41,584 --> 00:18:44,698 With responsibility comes harsh things. 358 00:18:44,821 --> 00:18:50,208 Um... People look at me, they say, 'Oh, he's tough. He was in the army. 359 00:18:50,415 --> 00:18:53,484 'He's going to be hard. By the book. ' 360 00:18:53,612 --> 00:18:54,885 But... 361 00:18:55,570 --> 00:18:58,320 I am caring and sensitive. 362 00:18:59,686 --> 00:19:01,834 Isn't 'Schindler's List' a brilliant film? 363 00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:03,916 Yeah. 364 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,429 See? People think a strong man can't be sensitive, 365 00:19:08,557 --> 00:19:11,068 but I'm thoughtful and caring... 366 00:19:11,194 --> 00:19:12,706 Sorry, what's this about? 367 00:19:12,833 --> 00:19:15,902 About the picture of David with the two blokes jizzing on him. 368 00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:17,620 Were they both jizzing on him? 369 00:19:17,748 --> 00:19:19,976 I thought he was sucking one of them off. 370 00:19:20,745 --> 00:19:22,017 I don't think... 371 00:19:24,181 --> 00:19:25,898 No, look, it's just jizzing. 372 00:19:26,779 --> 00:19:28,210 Well, I didn't do it. 373 00:19:28,337 --> 00:19:30,007 Good. Fine. 374 00:19:30,695 --> 00:19:33,001 Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. 375 00:19:33,132 --> 00:19:36,963 I don't want you to think of me as your boss... 376 00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:38,486 Well, you're not. 377 00:19:38,607 --> 00:19:40,323 I'm higher up than you, so I am. 378 00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:44,916 What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss, 379 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:48,553 but know that I am. - I don't think you are. 380 00:19:48,757 --> 00:19:51,427 I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you. 381 00:19:55,430 --> 00:19:56,703 Gareth Keenan. 382 00:19:57,028 --> 00:19:59,142 Right, seriously. Now, just stop it. 383 00:20:04,141 --> 00:20:06,607 Yes. I've had office romances! 384 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,011 Loads. 385 00:20:08,137 --> 00:20:10,444 Not here, another place I worked at. 386 00:20:10,575 --> 00:20:12,165 Good-looking ones as well. 387 00:20:12,293 --> 00:20:15,919 But they're not a good idea. Office romances. 388 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,242 It's like shitting on your own doorstep. 389 00:20:18,727 --> 00:20:21,363 I've had loads of offers here, but I go, 'No way. ' 390 00:20:21,484 --> 00:20:24,757 Distracting. And that's actually one of the major arguments 391 00:20:24,881 --> 00:20:26,870 against letting gay men into the army. 392 00:20:26,998 --> 00:20:28,794 I haven't got a problem with that - 393 00:20:28,917 --> 00:20:31,587 a gay man's not going to put me off, I can handle myself - 394 00:20:31,714 --> 00:20:33,668 but if we were in battle, 395 00:20:33,792 --> 00:20:36,587 is he going to be looking at the enemy or looking at me 396 00:20:36,709 --> 00:20:39,015 going, 'Oooh'? 397 00:20:39,146 --> 00:20:42,260 You know? 'He looks tasty in his uniform. ' 398 00:20:43,422 --> 00:20:44,820 And I'm not homophobic. 399 00:20:44,940 --> 00:20:46,611 Come and look at my CD collection. 400 00:20:46,739 --> 00:20:49,966 You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. 401 00:20:50,095 --> 00:20:51,652 They're all bummers. 402 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:59,639 All right, lads? What are you watching? 403 00:21:00,285 --> 00:21:02,843 It's my dog shagging his dog. - Oh, yeah. 404 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,634 Glynn, David's made it clear to you you'll be losing personnel. 405 00:21:06,759 --> 00:21:08,395 That's funny. Look at his face! 406 00:21:10,115 --> 00:21:13,627 I'm sorry to interrupt, do you think you can lose any more staff? 407 00:21:13,752 --> 00:21:15,706 I know you lost Julie Anderton. - Who? 408 00:21:15,830 --> 00:21:18,500 Opening a can of worms. - Julie. David fired her. 409 00:21:18,627 --> 00:21:20,138 Never heard of her. - Loyalty. 410 00:21:20,265 --> 00:21:22,652 When someone leaves, they no longer exist. 411 00:21:22,783 --> 00:21:24,214 She never existed, did she? 412 00:21:24,341 --> 00:21:25,977 Well... - You made her up. 413 00:21:26,099 --> 00:21:28,292 You back me into a corner and I act... 414 00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:30,406 You lied. - It's a form of acting. 415 00:21:30,535 --> 00:21:32,489 Can you take this upstairs? We're busy. 416 00:21:32,613 --> 00:21:35,329 You don't look busy. - Do you want me to get busy, love? 417 00:21:35,450 --> 00:21:36,723 Sorry? 418 00:21:36,849 --> 00:21:38,644 Gazza likes some posh. 419 00:21:38,767 --> 00:21:40,164 A word with you now. - Yup. 420 00:21:42,803 --> 00:21:44,234 That was out of order in a way. 421 00:21:44,361 --> 00:21:45,713 Ooh! - I'm not in trouble. 422 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,794 What she needs is a good shagging! 423 00:21:47,917 --> 00:21:50,383 I might bloody have to now. See you later. 424 00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:54,710 Now, then. You two. 425 00:21:55,909 --> 00:21:57,546 Dawn and Tim. 426 00:21:58,787 --> 00:22:00,582 What do you want, Gareth? 427 00:22:01,144 --> 00:22:03,781 I've been assigned to find out who did the picture. 428 00:22:03,981 --> 00:22:05,698 Right. Who was it? 429 00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:07,933 Well, I don't know. - Will you get fired? 430 00:22:08,057 --> 00:22:09,886 Will I get fired? - If you don't know. 431 00:22:10,015 --> 00:22:13,607 Well, I'm doing investigations now. Was it one of you two? 432 00:22:13,732 --> 00:22:15,209 Yes. Christ, you're good. 433 00:22:15,330 --> 00:22:16,728 Was it? - No! 434 00:22:16,848 --> 00:22:18,121 I knew it wasn't. 435 00:22:18,247 --> 00:22:20,440 I'm not going to fire you if you know anything 436 00:22:20,565 --> 00:22:21,837 because... - You couldn't. 437 00:22:21,963 --> 00:22:23,395 I could. - How? 438 00:22:23,522 --> 00:22:25,795 I'd say, 'You're fired. Clear your desk. ' 439 00:22:25,919 --> 00:22:27,828 I'd say you don't have the authority. 440 00:22:27,957 --> 00:22:29,275 Not true, not true. 441 00:22:29,396 --> 00:22:31,624 Because in this room, I have special... 442 00:22:31,754 --> 00:22:34,026 Needs? - No. I am a special... 443 00:22:34,151 --> 00:22:36,185 Needs child? - No, and that's not funny. 444 00:22:36,309 --> 00:22:38,979 I won't have you fired because... - You couldn't. 445 00:22:39,106 --> 00:22:40,458 That's all. 446 00:22:50,575 --> 00:22:52,881 I can't believe their total lack of respect. 447 00:22:53,012 --> 00:22:56,160 Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense... 448 00:22:56,289 --> 00:22:58,164 Come in, Gareth. 449 00:22:58,287 --> 00:23:00,321 but they left an image in my mind 450 00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:02,876 of you naked on all fours, 451 00:23:03,082 --> 00:23:05,753 being quite literally done doggie-style. 452 00:23:06,319 --> 00:23:07,592 David! 453 00:23:09,476 --> 00:23:11,749 Carry on. - What is it? 454 00:23:11,873 --> 00:23:13,624 I've found the guilty man. 455 00:23:13,752 --> 00:23:16,024 Have you indeed? - Can this wait, David? 456 00:23:16,469 --> 00:23:17,742 Er, yeah, 457 00:23:17,867 --> 00:23:21,015 but if I tell you there's sexist pornography - which I hate - 458 00:23:21,144 --> 00:23:23,576 going round the office, do you want it to wait? 459 00:23:23,702 --> 00:23:25,019 Pornography? 460 00:23:25,140 --> 00:23:27,698 Who was it? - Surprise, surprise. It was Tim. 461 00:23:28,776 --> 00:23:31,049 Shame. Good man. How can you be sure? 462 00:23:31,174 --> 00:23:34,322 I found these pictures on his hard drive, from the Internet. 463 00:23:34,451 --> 00:23:36,087 After investigation, 464 00:23:36,209 --> 00:23:38,675 licensed by, carried out by... 465 00:23:40,285 --> 00:23:41,558 Oh, no. 466 00:23:42,323 --> 00:23:45,357 Urgh. I don't want you to see this. I don't want to see this. 467 00:23:46,239 --> 00:23:48,114 That's worse than the one before. 468 00:23:48,916 --> 00:23:51,382 Oh, I hope there aren't any more. There are more. 469 00:23:51,514 --> 00:23:54,708 Well, he will have to be disciplined 470 00:23:54,830 --> 00:23:57,467 because when the disciplining has to be done, 471 00:23:57,588 --> 00:24:00,894 then the laughter stops for that amount of time, then continues, 472 00:24:01,024 --> 00:24:03,217 rehabilitation notwithstanding. 473 00:24:03,342 --> 00:24:04,978 It's everywhere. Oh. 474 00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:06,895 How did you find out? 475 00:24:07,018 --> 00:24:09,768 I suspected the pictures came off the Internet, 476 00:24:09,895 --> 00:24:11,612 so I checked everyone's computer. 477 00:24:11,813 --> 00:24:14,689 There is a log of every web page you've visited. 478 00:24:14,810 --> 00:24:17,402 You just go to Internet Page and then... History. 479 00:24:17,528 --> 00:24:21,073 Well, it's not worth it... - It only takes a second. 480 00:24:21,204 --> 00:24:23,477 I don't want to know how it's done, in a way. 481 00:24:23,602 --> 00:24:27,386 Can you delete the history thing on the computer? We should really. 482 00:24:27,518 --> 00:24:30,154 David, this is a meeting. - Yeah, yeah. 483 00:24:30,275 --> 00:24:32,911 OK. That's all. Anything else? 484 00:24:33,032 --> 00:24:34,702 Taffy phoned from the warehouse. 485 00:24:34,830 --> 00:24:36,581 He's got a video for you. - Thanks. 486 00:24:36,708 --> 00:24:39,095 This is just one big boy's club! - Not really. 487 00:24:39,226 --> 00:24:41,613 Seedy little men with seedy little jokes. 488 00:24:41,743 --> 00:24:43,380 This morning, perfect example! 489 00:24:43,502 --> 00:24:45,694 I do not want to be put in that position again. 490 00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:47,410 Don't go down the warehouse. 491 00:24:47,538 --> 00:24:50,288 Don't tell me where I can and can't go in my own company. 492 00:24:50,415 --> 00:24:53,370 You're on very thin ice. You've already lied to me today. 493 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:54,764 What's that? 494 00:24:54,890 --> 00:24:57,607 You don't have the guts to do your own job. 495 00:24:57,727 --> 00:24:59,205 I don't have the guts? 496 00:24:59,326 --> 00:25:03,076 If you're not man enough to do your job, I will do it for you. 497 00:25:03,202 --> 00:25:04,475 Not man enough? 498 00:25:05,919 --> 00:25:07,192 OK. 499 00:25:07,957 --> 00:25:09,389 Come here. 500 00:25:17,827 --> 00:25:19,259 Busy at work? 501 00:25:20,265 --> 00:25:22,458 Is there a problem? - Yeah. That. 502 00:25:23,542 --> 00:25:24,973 Sorry. What's that? 503 00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:29,009 I don't know. A dirty picture with my head on it, as a sex object. 504 00:25:29,975 --> 00:25:32,725 And don't... You know I like a laugh, Tim. 505 00:25:34,291 --> 00:25:37,643 Porno laughs are not funny, OK? 506 00:25:37,847 --> 00:25:40,439 I'm disappointed. - You think I did this? 507 00:25:40,644 --> 00:25:41,917 Case closed. 508 00:25:42,043 --> 00:25:44,509 Shouldn't I say that as it was my investigation? 509 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,388 What annoys me is you obviously didn't do it in your own time... 510 00:25:48,597 --> 00:25:51,552 Whoa, whoa. Colombo here figured it out, did he? 511 00:25:51,673 --> 00:25:55,787 Well, I must be guilty if you've got your best man on the case! 512 00:25:55,909 --> 00:25:58,182 Stop trying to be funny for one second, Tim, 513 00:25:58,387 --> 00:26:01,819 and listen, OK? Stop taking advantage of my good nature. 514 00:26:01,943 --> 00:26:04,818 I can be like every other boss in this situation. 515 00:26:04,940 --> 00:26:06,213 OK? Right? 516 00:26:06,339 --> 00:26:09,453 You're taking the piss and I'm getting sick of it. 517 00:26:09,576 --> 00:26:12,962 David, it wasn't me, OK? It was your good friend Chris Finch. 518 00:26:14,850 --> 00:26:16,407 He used my computer. 519 00:26:16,529 --> 00:26:19,563 He said he was your best mate and you'd find it hilarious. 520 00:26:19,685 --> 00:26:21,037 Oh... 521 00:26:21,643 --> 00:26:24,598 No, it is. That was never in question. 522 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,516 I think it's bloody hilarious. You're missing the... 523 00:26:27,637 --> 00:26:31,024 Are you going to apologise to Tim? 524 00:26:31,154 --> 00:26:34,699 I'll tell you about families. You don't have to, in a way. 525 00:26:34,830 --> 00:26:36,103 So... 526 00:26:36,588 --> 00:26:39,020 Are you going to apologise to Tim? 527 00:26:39,146 --> 00:26:40,896 I have, in a way... 528 00:26:41,024 --> 00:26:43,331 Are you going to apologise now? - Yes! 529 00:26:50,535 --> 00:26:52,841 S- s-s... sorry about that. 530 00:26:53,891 --> 00:26:56,164 You covered for it so well, as well. 531 00:26:56,289 --> 00:26:58,084 You were involved, but you covered. 532 00:26:58,207 --> 00:27:00,196 I don't want to be here when you bawl out Finchy. 533 00:27:00,325 --> 00:27:02,439 You won't be. It's not fair. Nor will you. 534 00:27:02,562 --> 00:27:04,869 So it's not offensive now it's Chris Finch? 535 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:09,148 Let's not dwell on whether it is or isn't this or... 536 00:27:09,356 --> 00:27:11,821 Let's stop degrading women, please. 537 00:27:11,953 --> 00:27:14,908 Let's have a laugh with them, not at them. 538 00:27:15,030 --> 00:27:16,984 Let's have a laugh at work, 539 00:27:17,108 --> 00:27:19,461 with women... at us. 540 00:27:19,585 --> 00:27:23,052 So you'll tell Chris Finch he won't be working with us any more? 541 00:27:23,182 --> 00:27:25,818 Good idea - get rid of a good rep because of a joke. 542 00:27:25,939 --> 00:27:29,087 David, don't even start. - No, no, fine. 543 00:27:29,216 --> 00:27:31,205 That's come from the top. 544 00:27:34,011 --> 00:27:37,398 Yeah. Hi, Chris. It's David here. Yeah. Bad news, mate. 545 00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:40,561 We're going to have to let you go. We can't use you any more. 546 00:27:40,684 --> 00:27:42,196 'Cause of the joke. 547 00:27:42,323 --> 00:27:45,595 I've got a sense of humour, but that was offensive towards women, 548 00:27:45,719 --> 00:27:48,277 and I can't tolerate that. I'll have to pass on... 549 00:27:48,397 --> 00:27:52,749 The time sponsored by Accurist will be 4,21 550 00:27:52,952 --> 00:27:54,508 and 40 seconds, 551 00:27:55,789 --> 00:27:57,221 Pathetic. - Is it? 552 00:27:57,348 --> 00:28:00,018 At the third stroke, the time sponsored by Accurist 553 00:28:00,225 --> 00:28:03,850 will be 4,21 and 50 seconds, 554 00:28:15,130 --> 00:28:17,084 Has anyone got the right time? 555 00:28:17,762 --> 00:28:27,752 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.