1 00:00:30,023 --> 00:00:31,746 I'm 30 today, 2 00:00:31,864 --> 00:00:36,229 My mum got me up really early this morning togive me my present, 3 00:00:38,270 --> 00:00:40,256 Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice. 4 00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:43,402 I'm into... I like ballet. I love the novels of Proust. 5 00:00:43,526 --> 00:00:46,777 I love the work of Alain Delon. 6 00:00:46,902 --> 00:00:49,357 And that's, I think, what influenced her 7 00:00:49,472 --> 00:00:51,076 into buying me Hat FM. 8 00:00:51,198 --> 00:00:53,260 I like the radio too. 9 00:00:53,385 --> 00:00:55,916 It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present. 10 00:00:58,525 --> 00:01:02,355 I have to make sure Finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight. 11 00:01:02,477 --> 00:01:03,895 Seven o'clock on the dot. 12 00:01:04,011 --> 00:01:06,651 Six... Six years in a row. Winners. 13 00:01:06,773 --> 00:01:08,496 So er... you know... 14 00:01:08,614 --> 00:01:09,836 Finchy! 15 00:01:10,341 --> 00:01:11,638 Brent. All right? 16 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,979 Don't forget tonight. Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on. 17 00:01:16,402 --> 00:01:19,348 What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Dunno. 18 00:01:20,085 --> 00:01:22,692 Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good. 19 00:01:22,808 --> 00:01:26,365 No, it's not racist. I thought the column because he's... Yeah. 20 00:01:26,491 --> 00:01:29,099 And she is black, and she's married. it's not even low. 21 00:01:29,215 --> 00:01:30,709 Seven. Cheers. Bye. 22 00:01:33,243 --> 00:01:35,457 What you doing in so early? Shit the bed? 23 00:01:35,583 --> 00:01:38,681 No! I haven't done that for weeks! 24 00:01:38,805 --> 00:01:42,133 No. My mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present. 25 00:01:42,258 --> 00:01:43,828 Happy birthday. - Thank you. 26 00:01:43,945 --> 00:01:45,167 What did she get you? 27 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,002 Something you can wear. 28 00:01:50,851 --> 00:01:53,262 The hat? - The hat yes. Well done. 29 00:02:10,415 --> 00:02:11,789 Hiya. All right? 30 00:02:11,911 --> 00:02:13,864 Happy birthday. - Thank you very much. 31 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,741 Ta. 32 00:02:15,862 --> 00:02:17,662 Right. - nice hat. 33 00:02:17,780 --> 00:02:19,002 Thanks. 34 00:02:19,929 --> 00:02:22,689 Um... Good. That's all in order. 35 00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:26,332 What's the difference between your wages and your penis? 36 00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:29,014 I can find lots of women who will blow your wages. 37 00:02:29,135 --> 00:02:30,783 What's that? - I don't know. 38 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,504 Why does that happen? 39 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,302 Lock up your daughters, as thay say. 40 00:02:38,304 --> 00:02:40,104 Finch is on his way in for the quiz. 41 00:02:40,222 --> 00:02:42,480 Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth? 42 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:43,865 Yeah. 43 00:02:43,981 --> 00:02:47,614 You'll only be able to use 20% of it when you get me and him together 44 00:02:47,741 --> 00:02:49,388 Gareth, innit? 45 00:02:51,730 --> 00:02:53,028 Hat. 46 00:02:53,150 --> 00:02:55,943 it's Tim's birthday. - Oh, yeah? 47 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,774 To be honest, I think you're mad to let me and Finchy on the bleedin' telly 48 00:03:00,899 --> 00:03:03,430 We're like Morecambe and Wise when we get together. 49 00:03:03,546 --> 00:03:06,306 Not Morecambe and Wise, because there's no straight man, 50 00:03:06,423 --> 00:03:07,917 there's no dead wood. 51 00:03:08,418 --> 00:03:13,513 So, um... I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man. 52 00:03:13,635 --> 00:03:14,932 I do gags as well 53 00:03:15,054 --> 00:03:17,585 I mean, good together... by now. 54 00:03:17,701 --> 00:03:20,843 We sort of read each other's minds when we're doing a bit of stick. 55 00:03:20,962 --> 00:03:24,562 We're just cracking up, and people watching go, 'Why is that funny?' 56 00:03:24,683 --> 00:03:27,749 We tell them why and they go, 'Yeah. You are the best...' 57 00:03:27,867 --> 00:03:29,318 It's their opinion. 58 00:03:29,785 --> 00:03:31,204 Happy birthday, by the way. - Thank you. 59 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:32,890 Which one is it? - it's 30. 60 00:03:33,007 --> 00:03:35,419 The big 3-0. That's the worst one, isn't it? 61 00:03:35,539 --> 00:03:37,906 I know what you're thinking - 'My youth's over.' 62 00:03:38,033 --> 00:03:42,627 When I was 30, like you, I was going, 'I'm in a rubbish job, 63 00:03:42,751 --> 00:03:45,511 nothing good ever happens to me. When will it change?' 64 00:03:45,628 --> 00:03:46,970 But, you know... 65 00:03:48,544 --> 00:03:49,886 Things do change. - Mmm. 66 00:03:50,002 --> 00:03:53,559 And it could be worse. There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin... 67 00:03:54,452 --> 00:03:56,590 he's 32 and he still lives with his parents. 68 00:03:56,715 --> 00:03:58,624 I live with my parents. - Cherish them. 69 00:03:58,748 --> 00:04:00,963 You will miss them when they're not around. 70 00:04:01,165 --> 00:04:02,845 Both um... 71 00:04:03,045 --> 00:04:04,386 Both of mine are dead. 72 00:04:04,617 --> 00:04:05,839 Oh. 73 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,182 So er... 74 00:04:07,303 --> 00:04:10,172 Dad isn't dead. He's in a home. 75 00:04:11,024 --> 00:04:12,321 So as good as. 76 00:04:12,443 --> 00:04:14,396 Shot to bits. He was... Oh, God. 77 00:04:14,591 --> 00:04:17,613 Called out the other night - three a. M. - by the nurses. 78 00:04:17,737 --> 00:04:21,457 He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of Debenhams. 79 00:04:21,573 --> 00:04:23,100 Does that look into his room? 80 00:04:23,223 --> 00:04:25,557 The back of the roof looks into his room, yeah. 81 00:04:25,678 --> 00:04:30,392 Good spot. It's a good spot, that's where I'd be if I had to take someone out that lived there. 82 00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:36,648 And I had to go up to the room with him, and go, 'Look, Dad, there's no Japanese sniper' 83 00:04:36,764 --> 00:04:39,056 Who was up there? - no one was there. 84 00:04:39,181 --> 00:04:41,472 it was his imagination. There was no one there. 85 00:04:41,598 --> 00:04:43,016 Lucky. That's lucky. 86 00:04:43,209 --> 00:04:45,391 if there was a sniper, you wouldn't see him. 87 00:04:45,511 --> 00:04:48,653 You'd be like, 'Oh... oh... no one there. ' 88 00:04:55,101 --> 00:04:57,316 Anyway, he is a vegetable now. 89 00:04:58,247 --> 00:05:01,236 And that's something we've all got to look forward to. 90 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,269 Happy birthday. 91 00:05:05,190 --> 00:05:06,412 See you later. 92 00:05:10,714 --> 00:05:11,936 Wotcher. 93 00:05:13,783 --> 00:05:15,310 Got him over. 94 00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:17,615 Tim? Got you a pressie. 95 00:05:18,464 --> 00:05:21,256 Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. - Happy birthday, mate. 96 00:05:21,379 --> 00:05:23,518 Thanks, Lee. You're a good man. 97 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,287 This is exciting. 98 00:05:29,588 --> 00:05:32,349 This is big. Big and exciting. 99 00:05:34,038 --> 00:05:37,104 It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock. God... 100 00:05:37,222 --> 00:05:39,481 You can sit on that if you like. - Yes. 101 00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:41,739 It's not just from me mate, it's from Dawn as well. 102 00:05:41,864 --> 00:05:43,315 You haven't got one already, have you? 103 00:05:43,437 --> 00:05:45,619 Um, no. You can naver have too many anyway. 104 00:05:45,739 --> 00:05:47,615 And you do profer it to the money? 105 00:05:47,733 --> 00:05:50,374 Yes. I'd only have spent it on a huge inflatable cock. 106 00:05:50,495 --> 00:05:51,990 That is... 107 00:05:52,183 --> 00:05:54,288 Stop playing with it! Did you get him that? 108 00:05:54,408 --> 00:05:56,438 Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that. 109 00:05:57,823 --> 00:05:59,546 Let's have a look. - Doing, doing. 110 00:05:59,664 --> 00:06:01,235 Ex-sperminate. 111 00:06:03,270 --> 00:06:04,873 Oh, no, no. 112 00:06:04,996 --> 00:06:07,527 Hello, Austin Powers. I'm the naked Mini Me. 113 00:06:07,643 --> 00:06:11,440 I've got one. Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town! 114 00:06:11,556 --> 00:06:12,778 Dickhead. 115 00:06:12,899 --> 00:06:15,190 Ringo Starr. Whose Line is it Anyway? 116 00:06:17,349 --> 00:06:19,487 Don't grab it unless you've got one ready, 'cuz it slows it down. 117 00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,292 Oh, that is brilliant. 118 00:06:22,796 --> 00:06:24,399 Happy birthday. - Thank you. 119 00:06:24,522 --> 00:06:27,162 Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel. 120 00:06:27,284 --> 00:06:29,314 I say that sometimes. - I heard that the other day. 121 00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:32,957 I thought 'He's using one of my catchphrases' I don't mind influencing a young comedian - you're not a comedian - 122 00:06:33,077 --> 00:06:35,794 but I usually credit someone if I use their comedy. 123 00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:38,676 What ones of yours do I use? - Same shit, different day. 124 00:06:38,793 --> 00:06:40,015 That's mine. 125 00:06:40,135 --> 00:06:42,197 Ex-squeeze me, instead of excuse me. 126 00:06:42,322 --> 00:06:45,311 Oh, wank you very much. - Yeah. I invented that one. 127 00:06:45,429 --> 00:06:47,960 Say that to a waiter or something. Wank you very much! 128 00:06:49,687 --> 00:06:52,295 And here's one. Witnesses that I started this one. 129 00:06:52,411 --> 00:06:55,662 If someone's unlucky, you go, 'I'm not saying he's unlucky, 130 00:06:55,787 --> 00:06:57,587 but if he fell in a barrelfull of tits, 131 00:06:57,705 --> 00:07:00,116 he'd come up sucking his own thumb!' 132 00:07:00,237 --> 00:07:02,299 Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs. 133 00:07:02,423 --> 00:07:03,645 Do ya? 134 00:07:05,301 --> 00:07:06,566 Got you! 135 00:07:08,139 --> 00:07:09,634 They're cracking up. 136 00:07:11,477 --> 00:07:12,699 Oh, God... 137 00:07:12,819 --> 00:07:15,001 Yeah. There are limits to my comedy.. 138 00:07:15,198 --> 00:07:17,806 There are things I would never laugh at. 139 00:07:17,922 --> 00:07:19,143 Um... 140 00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:20,912 The handicapped... 141 00:07:22,103 --> 00:07:24,317 because there's nothing funny about them. 142 00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,926 Or any deformity. 143 00:07:27,819 --> 00:07:29,695 Yeah? Um... 144 00:07:29,814 --> 00:07:34,221 It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go, 145 00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:38,137 'Oh, look at him. He's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced.' 146 00:07:38,253 --> 00:07:39,475 Yeah? 147 00:07:39,596 --> 00:07:42,738 Well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. 148 00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:47,834 Unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. 149 00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:50,097 So just give generously to all of them. 150 00:07:52,370 --> 00:07:55,054 Guys? Don't forget to say happy birthday to Tim - it's today 151 00:07:55,171 --> 00:07:58,345 And, also, we'll be going out for drinks later. 152 00:07:58,470 --> 00:07:59,888 Not tonight. 153 00:08:00,004 --> 00:08:01,269 Why? - Quiz. 154 00:08:01,385 --> 00:08:03,993 Well, we can go out before. When does it start? 155 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,597 Seven. Always. - OK. Drinks at six then. 156 00:08:06,718 --> 00:08:09,554 Did you get him a gift? - No. But it starts at seven. 157 00:08:09,671 --> 00:08:12,038 I know. Well, OK. Drinks at six. 158 00:08:12,165 --> 00:08:14,576 Shall I get him a card from you? - Whatever. 159 00:08:14,697 --> 00:08:17,108 Finch is coming down, so gotta be ready to go at seven. 160 00:08:17,229 --> 00:08:18,723 Drinks at six. 161 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,443 But it starts at seven. 162 00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:21,864 Drinks at six. 163 00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,382 Studying? Quiz. 164 00:08:29,504 --> 00:08:31,457 Are you a team again? 165 00:08:32,190 --> 00:08:33,946 Just three of you, is it? 166 00:08:34,146 --> 00:08:35,368 Yeah. 167 00:08:36,218 --> 00:08:38,399 You excited, for this big quiz? - Yeah, Looking forward to it. 168 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,200 it's not the first though. 169 00:08:40,322 --> 00:08:43,312 I err... was on 'Blockbusters' 170 00:08:43,775 --> 00:08:46,066 What, on the telly? - Yeah. 171 00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:50,679 Were you one of two or by yourself? If there's two of you, it's cheating. 172 00:08:50,795 --> 00:08:52,671 Yeah. Just one. - Just one. 173 00:08:52,790 --> 00:08:54,241 Did you win anything or...? 174 00:08:54,363 --> 00:08:56,894 Yeah. Two Gold Runs. Camping equipment, Walkman. 175 00:08:57,010 --> 00:08:59,879 I usually get five, to be honest. - Five Gold Runs? 176 00:09:00,002 --> 00:09:02,565 But you know you have to answer loads of questions before...? 177 00:09:02,687 --> 00:09:04,335 Yeah, I do. - You'd get them all? 178 00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:08,433 Give me one of the ones you had. Fingers on the buzzers. 179 00:09:08,556 --> 00:09:10,466 Um... OK. 180 00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:15,576 Right. Which Y was... Which Y had a hit single with 'The Only Way is Up' 181 00:09:15,692 --> 00:09:17,906 and sang with Plastio Population? - Yazoo! 182 00:09:18,032 --> 00:09:19,635 Yazz. - Yup. 183 00:09:19,758 --> 00:09:21,056 You said Yazoo. - I know. 184 00:09:21,177 --> 00:09:23,512 What's your cut-off point? Yazz. 185 00:09:23,633 --> 00:09:26,163 But you said Yazoo first. You would have got it wrong on Blockbusters. 186 00:09:26,279 --> 00:09:29,421 I wouldn't have said that on Blockbusters - You'd have been all right, then. 187 00:09:29,540 --> 00:09:31,220 I'll give you one. 188 00:09:39,668 --> 00:09:41,468 Do you want a hand? - no, no. 189 00:09:43,734 --> 00:09:46,342 Are you getting it? - Yeah. It's a tiny bit loud. 190 00:09:46,458 --> 00:09:47,679 Sorry. 191 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,295 Can I have it when you've finished? 192 00:09:49,412 --> 00:09:51,212 Yeah. - When will you be finished? 193 00:09:51,330 --> 00:09:53,970 I don't know. Maybe we could share it. 194 00:09:54,092 --> 00:09:57,692 OK. I'll just have it on weekends... - OK. 195 00:10:01,342 --> 00:10:04,975 This is taking forever... - no, it was going to be what D, 196 00:10:05,101 --> 00:10:07,632 and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky. 197 00:10:07,748 --> 00:10:10,040 I couldn't think of the question. - All right. 198 00:10:10,165 --> 00:10:13,231 What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel 'Crime and Punishment'? 199 00:10:14,001 --> 00:10:16,368 Would you have got that? - I'd have had a guess. 200 00:10:16,495 --> 00:10:18,295 You don't get prizes for guessing. 201 00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:20,555 Unlucky. 202 00:10:20,676 --> 00:10:21,898 See you later. 203 00:10:27,083 --> 00:10:29,450 You can't come in here. Quiz offcials only. 204 00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:32,216 What are you doing? - I'm doing the questions. 205 00:10:32,338 --> 00:10:34,902 Got out or I'll reprrt you. - Are these the questions? 206 00:10:35,023 --> 00:10:38,013 Do not look at thosei Right. You're disqualified. 207 00:10:38,131 --> 00:10:40,968 Gareth, we're having an argument. We need your help. 208 00:10:41,085 --> 00:10:43,572 not interested. - no. You can help. 209 00:10:43,693 --> 00:10:45,297 no. I haven't got time to help. 210 00:10:45,419 --> 00:10:47,950 Right. It's about the army. - Go on, then, quick. 211 00:10:48,066 --> 00:10:49,670 I was wondering 212 00:10:49,793 --> 00:10:52,630 if a military man like you - 213 00:10:52,747 --> 00:10:54,547 a soldier - 214 00:10:54,665 --> 00:10:58,112 could you give a man a lethal blow? 215 00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:02,061 if I was forced to. I could if it was absolutely necessary. 216 00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:04,170 if he was attacking me. 217 00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:06,824 if he was coming really hard. 218 00:11:07,631 --> 00:11:09,540 Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah. 219 00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:13,114 And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke 220 00:11:13,232 --> 00:11:15,413 or could you take a man from behind? 221 00:11:15,610 --> 00:11:17,290 Either way is easy. - Either way. 222 00:11:17,413 --> 00:11:19,627 And so you could do a man from behind? 223 00:11:19,753 --> 00:11:22,012 Yeah. - Yeah. Lovely. 224 00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:36,239 it's got an error - an offline error 324. 225 00:11:36,364 --> 00:11:38,426 So I'm going to have to take the paper out. 226 00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:40,538 That comes out. 227 00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:41,925 Hiya. - Hiya. 228 00:11:42,041 --> 00:11:46,220 Do you know anything about these? it's got an offline 243 error. 229 00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:48,901 no... - I don't really know what that is. 230 00:11:49,023 --> 00:11:52,503 You know we were talking earlier about Dostoyevsky? 231 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,237 Oh, yeah? - Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky. 232 00:11:55,660 --> 00:11:59,456 Born 1821. Died 1881. - That's right. 233 00:11:59,572 --> 00:12:02,714 Just interested in him being exiled in Siberia for four years. 234 00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:06,237 Well, I don't know much about that. I didn't cover it, really. 235 00:12:06,362 --> 00:12:09,887 All it is is that he was a member of a secret prlitical party, 236 00:12:10,007 --> 00:12:13,181 and thay put him in a Siberian labour camp for four years, 237 00:12:13,306 --> 00:12:14,877 so... you know. 238 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:18,207 Hang on. I read about it in er... 239 00:12:19,022 --> 00:12:20,516 He wrote 'House of the Dead'. 240 00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:23,470 I think he put all his memoirs in that. 241 00:12:24,584 --> 00:12:25,926 Didn't he? 242 00:12:26,656 --> 00:12:27,878 Yup. 243 00:12:29,456 --> 00:12:30,721 Oh, well 244 00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:37,050 So... you've dug your foxhole, 245 00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:38,847 and you've pitched your tent... 246 00:12:38,970 --> 00:12:40,846 thay've discovered your camp, 247 00:12:40,965 --> 00:12:44,642 and you're lying there, thay've caught you with your trousers down, 248 00:12:44,762 --> 00:12:47,828 and thay've all entered your hole without you knowing. 249 00:12:47,946 --> 00:12:49,670 no, because I'd be ready for them. 250 00:12:49,788 --> 00:12:51,850 You'd be lying there waiting for it? 251 00:12:51,974 --> 00:12:55,040 Yeah. Well, no. It's more likely that I wouldn't be there 252 00:12:55,158 --> 00:12:56,729 if I knew thay knew where I was. 253 00:12:56,923 --> 00:13:00,097 I'd be hiding, watching the hole, using it as a trap. 254 00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:03,899 You'd be using your hole as bait? - Yeah. 255 00:13:04,097 --> 00:13:07,425 You're 30, and you're getting off on pretending Gareth's gay. 256 00:13:08,930 --> 00:13:10,152 What? 257 00:13:10,273 --> 00:13:11,495 What? I 258 00:13:12,268 --> 00:13:14,330 I think she's been on the waccy baccyi 259 00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:21,466 Oh... what's that? 260 00:13:24,697 --> 00:13:27,534 it's very complicated. Open that put that in there, 261 00:13:27,651 --> 00:13:29,942 put that down there, and you... 262 00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:32,097 Hiya. - .. push the grean button. 263 00:13:32,216 --> 00:13:35,162 Were we talking about Dostoyevsky's 'House of the Dead'? 264 00:13:36,090 --> 00:13:39,309 Yeah. I think we mentioned it. - Which he wrote in 1862. 265 00:13:39,428 --> 00:13:42,952 I was just going to say that it wasn't his first major work. 266 00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:44,294 Wasn't it? 267 00:13:44,415 --> 00:13:47,175 no. His first major work was 'notes from the Underground,' 268 00:13:47,292 --> 00:13:49,583 which he wrote in St Petersburg in 1859. 269 00:13:49,709 --> 00:13:51,127 Really? - Yup. Definitely. 270 00:13:51,243 --> 00:13:54,462 Well, of course, my favourite is 'The Raw Youth'. 271 00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:57,297 it's basically where Dostoyevsky goes on to explain 272 00:13:57,419 --> 00:14:01,249 how science can't really find answers for the deeper human need. 273 00:14:01,371 --> 00:14:02,635 He does. 274 00:14:08,045 --> 00:14:09,801 it ain't going to be a flashy wedding. 275 00:14:09,925 --> 00:14:11,573 Heaven forbid. - no. 276 00:14:11,690 --> 00:14:13,904 it'll just be a rogistry offce. Save monay. 277 00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:16,518 Then we'll move in with my mum for a few months. 278 00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:17,860 Save on rent. - Yeah. 279 00:14:17,981 --> 00:14:19,966 Let Dawn get a few kiddies under her belt. 280 00:14:20,168 --> 00:14:22,699 Which'll be nice because my mum can look after them. 281 00:14:22,815 --> 00:14:26,033 Then you'll probably get a part-time cleaning job or something. 282 00:14:26,152 --> 00:14:28,105 Got to dream a dream. 283 00:14:29,298 --> 00:14:30,520 What's that? 284 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,822 I was just laughing at what Dawn said. 285 00:14:32,942 --> 00:14:35,353 As you're such a big high flyer. - no. 286 00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:37,383 I was laughing at herjoke, that's all 287 00:14:37,507 --> 00:14:40,071 When you get a life, you can take the mickay out of ours. 288 00:14:40,192 --> 00:14:43,029 I'm not having a go. - no, it doesn't matter. 289 00:14:43,146 --> 00:14:45,939 I don't mean to have a go at you. You're fine. No worries. 290 00:14:46,062 --> 00:14:47,971 We've all had a coffee. - no worries. 291 00:14:50,819 --> 00:14:52,542 is it questions? 292 00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:54,569 is it an intro? What I'm saying is... 293 00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:56,067 Oii Finchyi 294 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,603 When's it due? 295 00:14:58,721 --> 00:15:00,631 Here we go. Fasten your seatbelts. 296 00:15:00,754 --> 00:15:03,471 There's not one big enoughi - All bought and paid for. 297 00:15:03,593 --> 00:15:06,997 I'm not saying he's fat but when he jumps in the air, he gats stuck. 298 00:15:07,429 --> 00:15:09,960 I'm David Brent. I'm David Brent. 299 00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,952 Jim Carrey on acidi 300 00:15:12,148 --> 00:15:14,788 You know what thay say, there's none so queer as folk. 301 00:15:14,986 --> 00:15:17,397 Or David Brent. - Oh, speak to yourself... 302 00:15:17,518 --> 00:15:19,809 Spit it out - as your boyfriend said last nighti 303 00:15:19,935 --> 00:15:22,695 I was just going to say that. - I don't have a boyfriend. 304 00:15:22,812 --> 00:15:24,568 Can't get a word in edgewaysi - A what? 305 00:15:24,692 --> 00:15:26,797 Ooh, matroni - You can have that one, lad. 306 00:15:26,917 --> 00:15:28,520 Oh, that one always... 307 00:15:28,643 --> 00:15:29,908 Oh, God. 308 00:15:30,484 --> 00:15:31,706 Finchy. 309 00:15:39,077 --> 00:15:40,833 Come and chock out the opposition. 310 00:15:42,645 --> 00:15:44,555 Ricky, this is Chris. - Hello, mate. 311 00:15:44,678 --> 00:15:46,969 Chris Finch. I heard about 'Blockbusters'. 312 00:15:47,095 --> 00:15:50,499 You'll need more than that tonight. I heard about you and Dostoyevsky. 313 00:15:50,624 --> 00:15:53,952 I read a book a week, so a question like that won't catch me out. 314 00:15:54,077 --> 00:15:56,914 While you're down there, love... I - Close, but harmless. 315 00:15:57,031 --> 00:15:59,791 give me half hour with her, I'll be up to my nuts in guts. 316 00:15:59,908 --> 00:16:02,439 Sorry. Exactly which books do you read avery week? 317 00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,585 Science... Science and nature. 318 00:16:04,703 --> 00:16:07,572 Everything on the Trivia board. Allthose subjects. 319 00:16:07,695 --> 00:16:08,960 in books. 320 00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:12,098 This lot sound like thay haven't read a book between themi 321 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,862 College boys. - Bloody students. Waste of space. 322 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,694 'Oh, I don't do anything all day, but I need more monay to do it. ' 323 00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:20,042 Political. 324 00:16:20,163 --> 00:16:22,530 Yeah. I had a job when I was studying, so... 325 00:16:23,385 --> 00:16:25,218 Yeah, righti And what was your job? 326 00:16:25,342 --> 00:16:27,949 Professorr in charge of watching 'Countdown' avery day? 327 00:16:29,139 --> 00:16:32,543 That's clever and funny. I bloody hate him. That's why we get on. 328 00:16:33,935 --> 00:16:35,156 Similar. 329 00:16:36,006 --> 00:16:37,686 cMiCROPHOnE FEEDBACK) 330 00:16:40,226 --> 00:16:42,255 Can I have averyone's attention, please? 331 00:16:42,374 --> 00:16:46,094 Welcome to the SEVEnth annual Wernham Hogg quiz night. 332 00:16:46,210 --> 00:16:50,618 Current champions are this team here - The Dead Parrots. 333 00:16:50,737 --> 00:16:52,417 Fit enough to fly. - He sleaps. 334 00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:55,682 if you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up daisiesi 335 00:16:56,261 --> 00:16:57,483 Monty Python. 336 00:16:58,409 --> 00:17:00,776 Question one. All right... - Hang on. 337 00:17:00,903 --> 00:17:02,626 David, we haven't... 338 00:17:02,744 --> 00:17:05,275 Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today. 339 00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:07,344 He's 30 years young - as I always say. 340 00:17:11,644 --> 00:17:14,557 So what better way to celebrate than a battele of wits? 341 00:17:14,675 --> 00:17:15,940 Speechi 342 00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:19,008 OK. Question one... 343 00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,383 in the mid 1960s, 344 00:17:21,503 --> 00:17:24,416 the U.S. Army replaced all existing infantry guns 345 00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:29,204 with the M-16 rifle, and which fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun? 346 00:17:29,329 --> 00:17:32,166 You what? - Write the answer if you know it. 347 00:17:32,781 --> 00:17:34,003 next. 348 00:17:34,124 --> 00:17:37,572 We've been quiz champions forsixyears now. 349 00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:40,299 We nearly lost it two years ago, unjustly. 350 00:17:40,415 --> 00:17:43,285 Gareth was quizmaster then and the question was, 351 00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:46,429 what type of alien is Mr Spock? 352 00:17:46,553 --> 00:17:49,466 Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect. 353 00:17:50,351 --> 00:17:54,639 Mr Spock is half Vulcan, half human, OK? 354 00:17:54,762 --> 00:17:57,174 And Gareth went, 'Oh, averyone gats one print,' 355 00:17:57,294 --> 00:17:59,280 but I said, 'no, averyone does noti 356 00:17:59,404 --> 00:18:02,274 'Carpet Munchers don't get a print, Dr Wankenstein doesn't. 357 00:18:02,396 --> 00:18:04,502 'Steven Hawking's Football Boots don't. I do. ' 358 00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:07,148 I had to go home to get a book to prove it. 359 00:18:07,268 --> 00:18:10,988 Thay went, 'Oh, yeah, you're right. Well done. You've won. Sorry'. 360 00:18:11,105 --> 00:18:13,712 no aprlogies necessary. Let's get on with the quiz. 361 00:18:14,787 --> 00:18:16,543 Remember. Learn. 362 00:18:17,242 --> 00:18:18,813 OK. Question two. 363 00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:20,763 in the song '19' hy Paul Hardcastle, 364 00:18:20,887 --> 00:18:24,684 he told us that the average age of a soldier in the Vietnam war was 19. 365 00:18:24,876 --> 00:18:28,247 Hardcastle also told us the average age of a soldier 366 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,429 in the Second World War. What was it? 367 00:18:30,554 --> 00:18:32,736 Gareth, are allthese going to be about war? 368 00:18:32,856 --> 00:18:34,274 no. I got loads of... 369 00:18:34,390 --> 00:18:37,456 I got one on tennis, one on the Suez Canal. Loads. 370 00:18:39,262 --> 00:18:40,756 OK. Question threa. 371 00:18:40,873 --> 00:18:44,201 Which canal links the Mediterranean with the Red Sea? 372 00:18:45,323 --> 00:18:48,727 Oh, I don't want to talk about Mr Spock. That was sorted out then. 373 00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:52,526 Questions were asked. Certain parties weren't happy. 374 00:18:52,650 --> 00:18:55,017 The questions were solved. End of discussion. 375 00:18:55,144 --> 00:18:56,944 All right? Don't rake up old graves. 376 00:18:57,829 --> 00:18:59,858 I don't want to go through allthat again - 377 00:18:59,977 --> 00:19:02,694 whether he's a Vulcan or a human or vice versa. 378 00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:06,300 All I will say is what I said at the time. OK? 379 00:19:06,422 --> 00:19:07,916 Look at his ears. 380 00:19:08,493 --> 00:19:13,011 How could you confuse Howard Jones with nick Kershaw? Shame on you. 381 00:19:13,135 --> 00:19:16,583 nick Kershaw's the little bloke... - Howard Jones has the... 382 00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,689 That round's about old entertainment. 383 00:19:18,813 --> 00:19:20,460 it's about old entertainment. 384 00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:23,370 it's all about late '60s, early 70s. 385 00:19:23,570 --> 00:19:27,247 Which insect produces gossamer? - Sshhi Come on, man. 386 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,429 Which insect produces gossamer? - What? 387 00:19:29,554 --> 00:19:31,539 I want you to answer, Finchyi - What is it? 388 00:19:31,741 --> 00:19:33,038 it's a spider. 389 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,419 A spider is an arachnid and not an insect. 390 00:19:35,538 --> 00:19:37,414 Ha, yesi - Six legs or eight legs. 391 00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:39,563 Thank you. Am I right? - Two out. 392 00:19:39,758 --> 00:19:41,209 Shame on you. 393 00:19:42,712 --> 00:19:46,116 Hai Eight legs, six legs. Eight legs, six legs. 394 00:19:46,241 --> 00:19:49,537 You just need to spend a few a terms at the university of life. 395 00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:52,568 A spider is not an insect offcially. 396 00:19:52,686 --> 00:19:55,905 cRick) We'll see, we'll see. We'll see when this is over. 397 00:19:56,254 --> 00:19:59,657 People go, 'Why is it imprrtant, a question about Mr Spock?' 398 00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:03,732 I go, 'it's like saying, I've got a new pedigrea dog breed. 399 00:20:03,849 --> 00:20:05,802 'it's half Alsatian, half labrador'. 400 00:20:05,921 --> 00:20:09,445 I go to Crufts, 'Can I enter this dog in the labrador section?' 401 00:20:09,565 --> 00:20:12,554 'no. ' 'Why? ' 'Because it's not a labrador. ' 'Correct. ' 402 00:20:12,672 --> 00:20:15,039 'Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?' 'no. ' 403 00:20:15,166 --> 00:20:16,922 'Got that dog out of my sight. ' 404 00:20:17,046 --> 00:20:19,413 'Thanks, I will You've proved my print. ' 405 00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:22,294 And that's Crufts. 406 00:20:23,951 --> 00:20:27,017 Who had a hit single with 'Don't Speak'? 407 00:20:28,823 --> 00:20:31,921 no Doubt. I thought it might be no Doubt. 408 00:20:32,045 --> 00:20:34,304 Why did you say Four non Blondes, then? 409 00:20:34,423 --> 00:20:36,409 I got Hooty the Blowfish, so let's move on. 410 00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,445 East... East Side. 411 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,128 Oi. 412 00:20:42,249 --> 00:20:43,897 I didn't know. - You do know. 413 00:20:44,014 --> 00:20:45,432 Didn't know. 414 00:20:49,423 --> 00:20:50,950 Missed. - Did I? 415 00:20:52,031 --> 00:20:54,487 I said no Doubt. it's the first thing that came in. 416 00:20:54,602 --> 00:20:56,587 Then you're putting this thing in my mind. 417 00:20:56,712 --> 00:20:59,167 Poison with your bloody Four non Blondes. 418 00:20:59,282 --> 00:21:01,191 Eh? - Both good groups. 419 00:21:01,315 --> 00:21:02,886 Just don't guess. 420 00:21:03,003 --> 00:21:04,606 Think logical. Think. 421 00:21:04,729 --> 00:21:06,682 There's no logio to music, it's art. 422 00:21:08,412 --> 00:21:10,517 is this the first time you've lost? 423 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:12,622 The right questions aren't coming up. 424 00:21:12,747 --> 00:21:14,699 isn't it supposed to be random? 425 00:21:14,895 --> 00:21:16,543 Yeah. Randomly awful. 426 00:21:16,736 --> 00:21:19,529 I'll choose the questions. - Good quizmaster. 427 00:21:19,652 --> 00:21:21,255 Choose a topic - Sprrt. 428 00:21:21,378 --> 00:21:23,592 What's the capital of iceland? - Raykjavik. 429 00:21:23,718 --> 00:21:26,817 is that still a sprrt? - All right. You. Capital of Borneo? 430 00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:28,850 I don't care. - See? it doesn't have one. 431 00:21:28,974 --> 00:21:31,265 You didn't get any of those. cMOBiLE RinGS) 432 00:21:31,390 --> 00:21:34,718 And thay were random, yeah. - it wasn't really random. 433 00:21:34,843 --> 00:21:36,141 cDAViD) Hello, Doctor. 434 00:21:37,490 --> 00:21:39,213 He's asking after me? 435 00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:42,779 no. There's no way I can get away now. I'm snowed under at work. 436 00:21:43,628 --> 00:21:45,995 Can't you give him something to help him sleap? 437 00:21:46,121 --> 00:21:47,725 OK. Yeah. 438 00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:50,062 OK. Thanks. Oh... 439 00:21:50,188 --> 00:21:53,635 You don't know who sang 'in the Summertime' do you? 440 00:21:54,292 --> 00:21:57,391 Mungo Jerry. OK. Yup, yup. Cheers. 441 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,787 Ha hai Very funny. Do you want to hear the results or not? 442 00:22:10,749 --> 00:22:14,579 OK. in position number four, Universally Challenged. 443 00:22:20,532 --> 00:22:22,441 Third place goes to... 444 00:22:23,447 --> 00:22:24,898 Malcolm and Dennisi 445 00:22:27,130 --> 00:22:30,228 Er, which means that... Well.. 446 00:22:32,194 --> 00:22:35,946 it's a dead heat between the Dead Parrots and The Tits. 447 00:22:36,183 --> 00:22:38,136 So tie-breaker situation. 448 00:22:38,255 --> 00:22:41,321 Send one member of each of your teams up for a tie-breaker. 449 00:22:43,549 --> 00:22:47,149 All right. Come and stand here. Tie-breaker question. Are you ready? 450 00:22:47,346 --> 00:22:49,877 First person to shout out the correct answer wins. 451 00:22:49,993 --> 00:22:51,520 All right? So, if you're ready. 452 00:22:51,643 --> 00:22:55,363 Which Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban? 453 00:22:55,479 --> 00:22:57,389 'Macbeth. ' - no. Ricky? 454 00:22:57,512 --> 00:23:00,305 'Midsummer night's Dream. ' 'Hamlet. ' - You've had your go. 455 00:23:00,428 --> 00:23:03,723 You said the first person to shout the answer. You didn't say you only had one chance. 456 00:23:03,842 --> 00:23:05,947 'The Tempest. ' - 'The Tempest. ' He's got it. 457 00:23:06,067 --> 00:23:09,241 There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners. 458 00:23:09,366 --> 00:23:10,740 That's Blockbusters. 459 00:23:11,821 --> 00:23:13,850 You didn't say you only had one go. 460 00:23:13,969 --> 00:23:16,729 You said the first person to shout out the answer wins. 461 00:23:16,846 --> 00:23:18,756 First person. That's my print. 462 00:23:40,707 --> 00:23:43,424 Here he is. Chris Finch. Or is it Hamlot? Is it Macbeth? 463 00:23:43,546 --> 00:23:46,994 I'll write the questions next time and you can have this fat bastard. 464 00:23:47,114 --> 00:23:48,685 Banter. - no, it's not banter. 465 00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:51,409 not now. - OK. When we had the question, 466 00:23:51,525 --> 00:23:54,547 name the Cuban leader who's been in power since 1959... 467 00:23:54,671 --> 00:23:57,235 Fidel Castro. - You know it now. What did you say? 468 00:23:57,356 --> 00:24:00,684 it's in that situation... - Tellthem. What did you say then? 469 00:24:00,809 --> 00:24:02,532 What did you say then? Go on. 470 00:24:06,026 --> 00:24:07,400 Who's the Cuban leader? 471 00:24:08,596 --> 00:24:09,818 Fray Bentos. 472 00:24:09,939 --> 00:24:13,267 no wonder this place is going down the pan. You're a waste of space. 473 00:24:13,391 --> 00:24:15,453 Don't get at him just 'cause thay beat you. 474 00:24:15,578 --> 00:24:17,258 Thay beat me? - Yes. 475 00:24:17,381 --> 00:24:19,486 I could list 50 things I could beat them at. 476 00:24:19,606 --> 00:24:21,362 Like what? - Throwing. 477 00:24:21,486 --> 00:24:23,286 Throwing. No. That's good. 478 00:24:23,404 --> 00:24:25,815 The landlord of the Lamb pub in Chichester 479 00:24:25,936 --> 00:24:29,264 challenges me to throw one of these copper kettles over his pub. 480 00:24:29,388 --> 00:24:31,952 So I take off my tie, tie it to the handle... 481 00:24:33,838 --> 00:24:35,060 Did it go over? 482 00:24:36,792 --> 00:24:40,163 Obviously. That's actually an offcialTerritorialArmy method 483 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:43,763 if you're in the jungle, except you'd use vines from the treas. 484 00:24:43,889 --> 00:24:46,911 Or a kettle? - No, the equivalent. Coconut. 485 00:24:47,035 --> 00:24:49,675 I willthrow anything you choose over this building. 486 00:24:49,797 --> 00:24:51,902 If I do it, we win the quiz. - New challenge. 487 00:24:52,022 --> 00:24:53,854 Double or quits. - it's a challenge. 488 00:24:53,978 --> 00:24:56,661 So if he can throw it over, we've won the champagne, 489 00:24:56,778 --> 00:24:59,495 and that was the real quiz. - Choose one thing. 490 00:24:59,694 --> 00:25:02,257 You really are a couple of sad little men. 491 00:25:02,379 --> 00:25:04,910 He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done? 492 00:25:05,026 --> 00:25:06,936 Do you want a challenge or not? 493 00:25:07,059 --> 00:25:09,274 If I do it, we win the quiz and the prize. 494 00:25:09,399 --> 00:25:11,003 That's the real quiz. 495 00:25:11,126 --> 00:25:12,652 Choose something. 496 00:25:12,775 --> 00:25:15,841 A chair? - No, not a chair. 497 00:25:15,959 --> 00:25:17,792 Throw Gareth over. - no, seriously... 498 00:25:17,916 --> 00:25:20,054 How about birthday boy? Throw him over. 499 00:25:20,256 --> 00:25:22,012 Throw his shoes over. - His shoes. 500 00:25:22,135 --> 00:25:24,045 No, no. 501 00:25:24,245 --> 00:25:26,155 it's just a challenge. 502 00:25:27,314 --> 00:25:29,190 Tickle him. Tickle him. 503 00:25:34,104 --> 00:25:36,974 Using the tie method? - Oh, no. The shoelaces. 504 00:25:37,096 --> 00:25:39,813 He's using the laces. - Bastard, I knew he would. 505 00:25:39,935 --> 00:25:41,157 That'll work. 506 00:25:41,355 --> 00:25:42,576 So, Finch... 507 00:25:43,465 --> 00:25:46,334 Thank you very much... - You'll get it back. 508 00:25:49,411 --> 00:25:52,357 How are we going to know if it goes over? 509 00:25:52,479 --> 00:25:54,389 Go and chock. Sussed. Go on. 510 00:25:54,589 --> 00:25:56,499 Right. Here we go. 511 00:25:57,697 --> 00:26:00,686 Two... and threa... and four... 512 00:26:02,185 --> 00:26:04,673 Hooray. - Oh, yes. 513 00:26:04,870 --> 00:26:06,289 Looking good. 514 00:26:06,405 --> 00:26:08,434 Come on now. - Did it go over? 515 00:26:08,553 --> 00:26:10,920 Did it go over? - Yeah. It came right past me. 516 00:26:12,926 --> 00:26:14,148 The Wonder Horsei 517 00:26:14,269 --> 00:26:15,949 Screw 'Blockbusters'. 518 00:26:16,072 --> 00:26:18,363 Screw Bob Holness and screw your Gold Run. 519 00:26:18,489 --> 00:26:20,474 I'm a loser. - You're shit, you're shiti 520 00:26:20,599 --> 00:26:22,474 That's the boss. - Yes, I am the boss. 521 00:26:22,593 --> 00:26:25,004 Like Springsteen. Born to run. The Slough branch. 522 00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:27,689 Your university education didn't help you there. 523 00:26:27,811 --> 00:26:30,298 Let that be a lessorn to you. Respect your elders 524 00:26:30,419 --> 00:26:32,252 and do not fuck with the big boys. 525 00:26:32,376 --> 00:26:34,056 Lifei Lifei - Chuck his hat over. 526 00:26:34,179 --> 00:26:36,088 No, don't. It's a radio as well 527 00:26:39,434 --> 00:26:41,114 What an offce. What an office. 528 00:26:49,677 --> 00:26:52,317 Do you want any...? - Come on. See you, Tim. 529 00:26:53,896 --> 00:26:55,391 See you later. 530 00:26:56,209 --> 00:27:05,799 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.