1 00:00:25,410 --> 00:00:31,241 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers. 2 00:00:49,534 --> 00:00:51,566 I'm not thinking about it, I'm doing it. 3 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,672 I'm leaving to go back to university 4 00:00:53,797 --> 00:00:58,471 to learn about more than the price of opti-bright laser copy paper. 5 00:00:58,597 --> 00:01:00,966 298 a gram. - 240 a gram. Check the list. 6 00:01:01,093 --> 00:01:03,462 I didn't hear you. What are you going to study? 7 00:01:03,589 --> 00:01:04,855 Psychology. 8 00:01:04,971 --> 00:01:07,996 Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? They're all mad. 9 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,922 I want to be a psychologist. 10 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,371 Same difference. If you're so clever, what am I thinking about? 11 00:01:13,496 --> 00:01:16,947 You're thinking, 'How could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?' 12 00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:18,333 No. - No. 13 00:01:18,450 --> 00:01:22,360 You're thinking, 'If I crash land in a jungle, can I eat my own shoes?' 14 00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:24,972 No, and you can't. - What are you thinking? 15 00:01:25,093 --> 00:01:28,238 I was just thinking, 'Will there ever be a boy born 16 00:01:28,357 --> 00:01:30,814 'who can swim faster than a shark?' 17 00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:43,063 All right? 18 00:01:43,179 --> 00:01:45,243 Oh, midday. Are you just getting in? 19 00:01:45,368 --> 00:01:47,355 No. I'll be here in about an hour. 20 00:01:49,208 --> 00:01:51,425 About an hour. You're already here. 21 00:01:54,162 --> 00:01:56,149 Who am I, then, Dixon of Dock Green? 22 00:01:56,811 --> 00:01:58,613 What? - Evening, all. 23 00:01:58,731 --> 00:02:00,915 Brilliant. - Sorry I'm late. 24 00:02:01,035 --> 00:02:04,563 Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me, 25 00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:08,287 your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession - you. 26 00:02:08,485 --> 00:02:09,751 Yeah? 27 00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:11,669 Ipso facto. 28 00:02:11,787 --> 00:02:17,194 Trust received, responsibility given and taken. Yeah? 29 00:02:17,432 --> 00:02:20,042 I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night. 30 00:02:20,158 --> 00:02:24,570 You stayed with a friend, fine. I'm annoyed her parents didn't call me. 31 00:02:24,690 --> 00:02:27,256 His parents weren't in. - It's a bloke, so what? 32 00:02:27,454 --> 00:02:30,599 Come on. God. Chill out, shall we, please? 33 00:02:31,448 --> 00:02:33,861 You know... Girlfriend happens to be a boy. 34 00:02:34,059 --> 00:02:36,396 I could stay at Dawn's... - No, you couldn't. 35 00:02:36,517 --> 00:02:40,153 I could if I got off with... off at... Got off at the wrong bus stop. 36 00:02:41,086 --> 00:02:44,723 I could. I'd be on the floor... - We spent some time on the floor. 37 00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:47,263 For a good reason, probably. 38 00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:48,727 More room. 39 00:02:49,266 --> 00:02:51,723 Just go free. Come on. Jesus. 40 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:55,093 But if I did stay at Dawn's... - Which you couldn't. 41 00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:58,746 You could stay at mine. - I don't want to stay at yours. 42 00:02:58,942 --> 00:03:01,006 The point is, if I did stay at Dawn's... 43 00:03:02,206 --> 00:03:04,772 there'd be no funny business. There was none, fine... 44 00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:08,226 Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time. 45 00:03:10,002 --> 00:03:12,262 It wasn't anyone in the office, was it? 46 00:03:12,382 --> 00:03:15,255 Yes. I slept with someone in the office, everybody! 47 00:03:15,378 --> 00:03:18,447 Show's over. Good. Well done. That's fine. 48 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,706 Don't even... It's not that... 49 00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:22,129 Oh... 50 00:03:24,901 --> 00:03:26,321 Oh... 51 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,463 I'd let you stay at mine. 52 00:03:33,464 --> 00:03:37,527 I'm getting a secretary because I need one. So... 53 00:03:38,955 --> 00:03:41,019 The lucky contestants are... 54 00:03:42,066 --> 00:03:43,289 All right? 55 00:03:43,410 --> 00:03:45,550 This is Stuart Foot. - Hello, Stuart. 56 00:03:45,675 --> 00:03:47,553 Karen Roper. - Mr Brent. 57 00:03:47,672 --> 00:03:49,397 I don't know a Mr Brent. David. 58 00:03:50,283 --> 00:03:52,500 She'll brighten up the place, won't she? 59 00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:56,186 If she gets the job. So will you. Because you're both equal. 60 00:03:56,312 --> 00:04:01,139 No foregone conclusion. Based on interview... and merit. 61 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,712 It is up to me, ultimately, but good luck. 62 00:04:03,838 --> 00:04:06,711 You'll do well to impress me. Nurse, the Polaroid! 63 00:04:07,794 --> 00:04:09,246 Just for um... 64 00:04:09,445 --> 00:04:13,201 Just for er... Sit down. To take a snapshot. 65 00:04:13,323 --> 00:04:16,698 Just for the files. I'll do it. I'll do it. 66 00:04:17,317 --> 00:04:19,194 Let's get that lovely smile on... 67 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,185 I'll come down here. 68 00:04:22,309 --> 00:04:24,678 That's nice. Oh, the hair all... 69 00:04:24,805 --> 00:04:27,141 Lovely. That looks nice. Lovely blue eyes. 70 00:04:27,262 --> 00:04:28,715 OK. Big smile. 71 00:04:30,027 --> 00:04:32,976 That was lovely. Just give that a minute. 72 00:04:34,021 --> 00:04:36,357 Look at that. Do one of you as well. 73 00:04:37,362 --> 00:04:38,660 Good. 74 00:04:39,282 --> 00:04:41,651 Good. - We're doing Stuart first. 75 00:04:41,778 --> 00:04:43,809 Let's get him out the way. Follow me. 76 00:04:57,368 --> 00:04:58,788 Good. 77 00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:06,730 Stuart Foot. 78 00:05:14,072 --> 00:05:15,524 What is that? 79 00:05:15,646 --> 00:05:19,447 Money don't make my world go round. I'm reaching out to a higher ground. 80 00:05:19,563 --> 00:05:22,588 Is that a philosopher? - Desree. 81 00:05:23,173 --> 00:05:24,548 The singer? 82 00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,484 I don't think I... 83 00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:49,818 Why do you want to work here? Shoot. 84 00:05:50,706 --> 00:05:54,004 Yeah. The 'bosses' are panicking. 85 00:05:54,123 --> 00:05:57,148 They're going, 'Oh, cut back, lose staff. 86 00:05:57,272 --> 00:06:00,603 'That's the way forward. That'll save money. ' Will it? 87 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:06,058 Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run? 88 00:06:06,181 --> 00:06:09,588 Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? 89 00:06:09,714 --> 00:06:12,815 No. He turns up in a newer car. Perception, yeah? 90 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,582 They've got to trust me. I'm taking them into battle, 91 00:06:15,704 --> 00:06:17,615 and I'm doing my own stapling. 92 00:06:17,739 --> 00:06:21,420 A sergeant major spends his time training his men to be killers. 93 00:06:21,541 --> 00:06:23,418 He doesn't polish his own boots. 94 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,144 He probably does polish his own boots, 95 00:06:26,264 --> 00:06:28,405 but, you know, that doesn't mean... 96 00:06:29,106 --> 00:06:31,748 It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing. 97 00:06:36,555 --> 00:06:39,089 Hi. Are you ready to see Karen Roper now? 98 00:06:39,205 --> 00:06:40,428 Yeah. 99 00:07:12,075 --> 00:07:13,757 Thank you. - Hi. 100 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,103 Hello. 101 00:07:15,224 --> 00:07:16,873 Sit down. - OK. 102 00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:18,978 No. I've got one over here for you. 103 00:07:21,944 --> 00:07:23,167 Good. 104 00:07:23,288 --> 00:07:24,816 Good. 105 00:07:24,939 --> 00:07:26,162 Right. 106 00:07:26,283 --> 00:07:27,582 The interview. 107 00:07:29,202 --> 00:07:31,812 What have we got here? Hmm. 108 00:07:31,928 --> 00:07:33,456 Karen Roper. 109 00:07:34,731 --> 00:07:36,718 Curriculum vitae. 110 00:07:38,763 --> 00:07:40,947 Just looking at this. Checking it out. 111 00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:44,595 Good. Tell me about yourself. 112 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:48,439 Um... Well, I did GCSEs and A-levels and... 113 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,849 Too boring. Tell me about yourself. 114 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:56,878 OK. Well, I'm quite into films and music. 115 00:07:57,003 --> 00:07:58,269 Yeah? 116 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:00,953 Desree? 117 00:08:01,074 --> 00:08:04,218 I don't really know... - Let's put that down. 118 00:08:07,794 --> 00:08:11,092 Last year, I took a year out and I went travelling. 119 00:08:11,211 --> 00:08:14,280 Exploring... - Exploring yourself. 120 00:08:15,589 --> 00:08:16,964 And Asia. 121 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,995 Was this with your boyfriend? - No. On my own. 122 00:08:21,118 --> 00:08:23,302 Just by yourself out there. Free. 123 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,755 Getting what you can while you're young. 124 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,485 I don't know when... 125 00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:35,395 You've charmed me, yeah? You've got the job. 126 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,351 Think of a decision, I make it. 127 00:08:38,475 --> 00:08:42,112 Work out your notice and I'll put you on a month's probation. 128 00:08:42,238 --> 00:08:44,652 That's just to see if we... - OK. 129 00:08:44,773 --> 00:08:47,142 Yeah? Good. Good. 130 00:08:47,768 --> 00:08:50,488 Out tonight celebrating, I suppose? 131 00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:53,831 Er, yeah. Going to... Do you know the Chasers? 132 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,523 Oh, I don't believe it. 133 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,473 If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us! 134 00:08:59,595 --> 00:09:02,926 No, come over. The drinks will be on me. In me! 135 00:09:03,858 --> 00:09:06,577 What time are you there? - It's not definite... 136 00:09:06,699 --> 00:09:09,691 No. Come down. Definitely. What's your tipple? 137 00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:11,644 Vodka and coke. 138 00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,264 Me - lager. 139 00:09:14,686 --> 00:09:18,596 Finchy - lager. Gareth - lager, sometimes cider. So... 140 00:09:18,718 --> 00:09:21,329 Different drinks for different needs. 141 00:09:21,445 --> 00:09:22,788 Yeah. 142 00:09:23,019 --> 00:09:24,592 Good. Well done. 143 00:09:24,709 --> 00:09:26,511 Congratulations. - Thanks. 144 00:09:32,504 --> 00:09:34,535 New secretary. Good. 145 00:09:35,461 --> 00:09:36,836 Efficient. 146 00:09:43,486 --> 00:09:47,364 So have you resigned, then? - Yeah. I have to make it official. 147 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,429 You embarrassed yourself by asking Dawn out. 148 00:09:50,552 --> 00:09:54,505 I didn't. Why does everyone think...? It was as a friend. 149 00:09:54,622 --> 00:09:56,500 Right. - Just as a friend. 150 00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:04,787 Hi, Donna. How's it going? Settling in? 151 00:10:08,216 --> 00:10:09,788 Who left that there? 152 00:10:09,906 --> 00:10:11,325 Um... 153 00:10:11,442 --> 00:10:14,925 Yeah. There's a health and safety seminar later on, 154 00:10:15,051 --> 00:10:18,535 which I'd like you to attend. Compulsory, I'm afraid. 155 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,615 That's not to say it won't be fun. 156 00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:24,066 I like to inject my own sense of fun into it. 157 00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:26,254 Two o'clock in the meeting room. 158 00:10:27,339 --> 00:10:28,562 See you there. 159 00:10:38,552 --> 00:10:40,769 Just looking at the booklet at the moment? 160 00:10:41,662 --> 00:10:42,885 Yeah. 161 00:10:43,006 --> 00:10:45,802 What did you see on TV yesterday? - I watched a video. 162 00:10:45,925 --> 00:10:48,415 I watched 'Peak Practice'. - I've never seen it. 163 00:10:48,536 --> 00:10:51,561 Bloody repeat. - Yeah. Annoying, isn't it? 164 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,562 Not for me. I hadn't seen it. 165 00:10:57,445 --> 00:11:02,393 Boring, isn't it? Staying in watching 'Peak Practice' with your life. 166 00:11:02,514 --> 00:11:05,047 Yeah. - Not for me. I like it. 167 00:11:05,163 --> 00:11:07,621 Yeah. I just stayed in, had a big wank. 168 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,956 That should be enough. - Yeah. Fine. 169 00:11:13,074 --> 00:11:16,066 The information's elsewhere. - He won't read it. 170 00:11:16,184 --> 00:11:18,062 Despite having done it twice. 171 00:11:18,181 --> 00:11:21,326 I'll have to get my P45 from my other job. 172 00:11:21,445 --> 00:11:22,668 OK. 173 00:11:22,789 --> 00:11:24,361 Brent, just Roper to beat! 174 00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:27,233 I bloody love football, don't I? 175 00:11:27,666 --> 00:11:29,238 Service, barman. 176 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,998 Lager. Vodka and coke. Gave her the gig. 177 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:36,455 Oh, the dreaded form. Does it say whether you're married or single? 178 00:11:36,574 --> 00:11:39,796 It doesn't matter. Bring your boyfriend tonight. 179 00:11:39,915 --> 00:11:41,597 I don't have one. - Whatever. 180 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,019 Oh, sorry! - Oh! 181 00:11:43,141 --> 00:11:46,974 Sorry. It is a man's game. That is... That is... Yeah. 182 00:11:47,096 --> 00:11:48,821 I can't see. - Accidental. 183 00:11:48,939 --> 00:11:50,205 Sorry. 184 00:11:50,322 --> 00:11:52,932 That's why they shouldn't get involved, really. 185 00:12:02,994 --> 00:12:04,522 Hi. - Hello. All right? 186 00:12:04,645 --> 00:12:07,866 Yeah. I was just... - I've got to go in a sec. 187 00:12:07,986 --> 00:12:10,748 No. I can eat here. - Of course. 188 00:12:20,466 --> 00:12:22,759 So we should go for that drink. 189 00:12:22,885 --> 00:12:24,457 Oh, yeah, yeah. 190 00:12:24,574 --> 00:12:26,638 You, me and Lee. - The three of us. 191 00:12:26,763 --> 00:12:30,324 I can probably get someone to come along. Good. 192 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,212 Er, in the next few weeks? - Definitely. 193 00:12:33,330 --> 00:12:36,966 Right. I'll just check with Lee. - Yeah. Absolutely. Of course. 194 00:12:42,776 --> 00:12:44,687 Gareth. - All right? 195 00:12:44,811 --> 00:12:46,798 How are you, mate? 196 00:12:49,266 --> 00:12:50,871 Good to see you. 197 00:12:58,674 --> 00:13:00,551 Were you trying to get off with her? 198 00:13:07,544 --> 00:13:11,028 OK. Welcome to Wernham Hogg Health and Safety Training 199 00:13:11,154 --> 00:13:13,644 with Gareth Keenan. OK? 200 00:13:13,765 --> 00:13:16,298 That's me. Pleased to meet you. 201 00:13:18,104 --> 00:13:20,899 There are many hidden dangers in the workspace 202 00:13:21,022 --> 00:13:24,354 and we're going to find out what those dangers are together. 203 00:13:24,478 --> 00:13:27,044 Starting off with your workstation. 204 00:13:27,166 --> 00:13:31,731 Now, I want you to imagine that this is a mug of hot coffee. 205 00:13:31,851 --> 00:13:35,412 It's not, because that would be dangerous even in training. 206 00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:40,792 What we're going to do is play a little fun game that I've made up. 207 00:13:40,914 --> 00:13:44,212 I like to have a bit of fun when I'm teaching people. 208 00:13:44,331 --> 00:13:47,433 I like a laugh most of the time - in and out of work. 209 00:13:47,557 --> 00:13:50,582 Some us are going out tonight... - Shall we crack on? 210 00:13:52,242 --> 00:13:54,426 Good. Keen. Excellent. 211 00:13:54,546 --> 00:13:58,074 All right. Now watch where I place this mug... 212 00:13:59,115 --> 00:14:03,330 in order to simulate where someone might put a mug in real life. 213 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:09,012 What I want you to do is shout out - shout, mind - 'safe' or 'dangerous. ' 214 00:14:09,138 --> 00:14:11,049 Think you could manage that? 215 00:14:14,091 --> 00:14:15,619 OK. Let's go. 216 00:14:20,658 --> 00:14:22,077 Dangerous. 217 00:14:39,474 --> 00:14:41,002 Dangerous. 218 00:14:41,278 --> 00:14:44,194 What have we learnt? - Don't pour coffee on the computer. 219 00:14:44,389 --> 00:14:47,534 Any fluids. Right? Good. 220 00:14:48,728 --> 00:14:50,104 First-class, please. 221 00:14:50,226 --> 00:14:52,027 Are you all right? - Eh? 222 00:14:52,146 --> 00:14:54,286 Are you all right? - Yeah. Fine, thanks. 223 00:14:54,411 --> 00:14:56,901 Have you had a good morning or a bad morning? 224 00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,506 A bit of a... Oh, God, a bit of a mad morning. 225 00:15:00,632 --> 00:15:03,001 Never mind. - See you later. 226 00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:04,351 OK. 227 00:15:06,661 --> 00:15:10,461 Basically, there's a correct way and an incorrect way to lift stuff. 228 00:15:10,578 --> 00:15:12,532 This is the incorrect way. 229 00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:18,755 OK? Incorrect. 230 00:15:19,064 --> 00:15:21,248 The correct way. Two things to remember. 231 00:15:21,368 --> 00:15:23,858 Keep your back nice and straight. Straight back. 232 00:15:23,979 --> 00:15:25,552 And bend your knees. 233 00:15:25,669 --> 00:15:29,425 Keep your back straight and bend your knees. Right? 234 00:15:29,547 --> 00:15:31,229 Very important. 235 00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:33,839 Do you want to try that with me? 236 00:15:33,963 --> 00:15:35,262 I'm fine. 237 00:15:36,382 --> 00:15:39,298 I'm supposed to witness you do it so I can tick the box. 238 00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:42,136 Just do it with me a couple of times. 239 00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:45,981 Right. So nice straight back, bend your knees... 240 00:15:48,094 --> 00:15:49,972 Up. That's it. 241 00:15:50,091 --> 00:15:52,385 Same on the way down as on the way up. 242 00:16:07,179 --> 00:16:08,599 Down again. 243 00:16:09,675 --> 00:16:11,433 Good. One more time. 244 00:16:11,557 --> 00:16:13,359 Nice straight back. That's it. 245 00:16:13,477 --> 00:16:15,202 That's it. Great. 246 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,963 One more time. So have you got that? 247 00:16:18,085 --> 00:16:19,887 I'll practise it at home. 248 00:16:20,005 --> 00:16:22,189 Excellent. Good. Well done. 249 00:16:22,309 --> 00:16:23,991 If you have any questions 250 00:16:24,114 --> 00:16:27,106 or if you want to talk about anything at all... 251 00:16:27,224 --> 00:16:29,026 I know you've um... 252 00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:32,480 You slept with Jeff. - Are we done? 253 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,434 You made a mistake... - I haven't. 254 00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:37,965 I'm just checking whether you're going to be spreading it around... 255 00:16:38,091 --> 00:16:39,357 Right. Bye. 256 00:16:43,006 --> 00:16:44,229 Good. 257 00:16:45,733 --> 00:16:46,999 Yeah. 258 00:16:47,115 --> 00:16:49,146 Excellent pupil. Fast learner. 259 00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:55,600 She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting things incorrectly. 260 00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:57,594 'A' I'm going to give her. 261 00:16:58,942 --> 00:17:00,241 'A.' 262 00:17:06,584 --> 00:17:10,308 Quick question. I've got these invoices to file and I don't know... 263 00:17:26,974 --> 00:17:28,699 Yes? - Where do I file these? 264 00:17:28,818 --> 00:17:30,925 I don't know. - Excellent. Thanks. 265 00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:45,050 It's not as if she's your daughter, 266 00:17:45,253 --> 00:17:48,889 But that's not the point. It's the principle. It was about respect. 267 00:17:49,016 --> 00:17:51,353 Showing a bit of respect. 268 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:58,537 And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws. So... 269 00:17:58,654 --> 00:18:01,450 Show them respect by being the law. 270 00:18:03,378 --> 00:18:07,178 She's legal though. When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking, 271 00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,326 when girls are 16, they're... - Gareth. 272 00:18:09,445 --> 00:18:11,170 You heard that one. - Well... 273 00:18:11,288 --> 00:18:14,586 Are you going to fire the person she shag... slept with? 274 00:18:14,706 --> 00:18:17,807 It's a free country. I can't do anything about it. 275 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,995 So you won't fire them, as such? 276 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:23,876 I won't look on him favourably. - Or her. It could be a girl. 277 00:18:24,498 --> 00:18:26,299 She's not a lesbian, Gareth. 278 00:18:26,418 --> 00:18:29,946 I think I'd know if a woman living under my roof 279 00:18:30,066 --> 00:18:32,435 liked to roll around with other women. 280 00:18:36,402 --> 00:18:37,930 Gareth? Don't you? 281 00:18:39,973 --> 00:18:41,655 Yup. Most probably. 282 00:18:42,699 --> 00:18:45,768 Spoke to you at five, get the call at six from the lads, 283 00:18:45,886 --> 00:18:47,688 drinks at eight in the Chasers. 284 00:18:47,806 --> 00:18:49,838 Spare bird going. - Not for long! 285 00:18:49,957 --> 00:18:53,288 So I get there, she's aged 19. Ferrari chassis, 286 00:18:53,413 --> 00:18:56,973 fantastic-sized shelves, and legs up to her arse. 287 00:18:57,099 --> 00:18:59,513 Muchos tequilas later, I'm in a cab with her. 288 00:18:59,634 --> 00:19:03,740 And my mate's bird wants to get a lift with me and this nympho. 289 00:19:03,858 --> 00:19:06,850 Finchy! - There I am, back of the cab, 290 00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:10,922 both of them with their laughing gear round the pump-action rifle. 291 00:19:12,344 --> 00:19:15,184 Got back to mine, two hours sleep, yeah? 292 00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:18,595 Today, I bump into the mate whose bird I've done... 293 00:19:18,718 --> 00:19:20,935 sold him two ton of high white. 294 00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:23,474 He says to me, 'You look knackered. ' 295 00:19:23,672 --> 00:19:26,587 And he looks like he's had a Pot Noodle and a wank. 296 00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,584 I'd have said that to him. 297 00:19:28,702 --> 00:19:31,771 I shit you not. I'm seeing both of them tomorrow night. 298 00:19:31,890 --> 00:19:35,111 Coming out tonight though? - Definitely. 299 00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:36,835 Are you coming, jobless? 300 00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:39,983 Yeah. If only for the conversation. 301 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,485 Pot Noodle and a wank! 302 00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:45,598 I don't know where we're going tonl'ght, 303 00:19:45,714 --> 00:19:48,400 Obviously, Finchy's a sophisticated guy, 304 00:19:48,517 --> 00:19:50,504 and Gareth's a culture vulture, 305 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,575 Will it be opera, ballet? I don't know. 306 00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:56,344 I know the RSC's in town, so... 307 00:19:56,466 --> 00:19:58,999 Having said that, at Chasers, 308 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:02,872 it's a Hooch for a pound and Wonderbras get in free night, so... 309 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:06,095 I don't know. It's exciting. I'm staying out of it. 310 00:20:06,526 --> 00:20:09,825 'OUT OF YOUR MIND' BY THE TRUESTEPPERS) 311 00:20:19,198 --> 00:20:20,421 Garçon! 312 00:20:22,232 --> 00:20:24,373 Who wants a Finch pinch? - What? 313 00:20:24,498 --> 00:20:28,375 Chris Finch, good to meet you. This is my friend Sir David Brent. 314 00:20:28,491 --> 00:20:31,254 Joking. The only knighthood he's got's a condom. 315 00:20:31,371 --> 00:20:32,670 Night-hood. 316 00:20:32,792 --> 00:20:35,129 Condom. - I'm saying the joke worked. 317 00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:38,810 Condoms come in all different flavours now, don't they? 318 00:20:38,936 --> 00:20:42,387 Like strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry? 319 00:20:45,042 --> 00:20:46,614 What are your names? 320 00:20:46,808 --> 00:20:49,341 I'm Lorna. This is Lindsey and Heather. 321 00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:52,068 Pleased to meet you. Nice to meet you. 322 00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:54,095 And very nice to meet you. 323 00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:56,480 Nice to meet all of you. Anyone's fine. 324 00:20:59,058 --> 00:21:01,471 'SPINNING AROUND' BY KYLIE MINOGUE) 325 00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:23,166 Nice shirt. 326 00:21:23,288 --> 00:21:25,046 Cheers. Ciro Citterio. 327 00:21:25,669 --> 00:21:27,546 While you're down there, love. 328 00:21:27,666 --> 00:21:30,810 You know what they say - one up the bum, no harm done. 329 00:21:31,390 --> 00:21:33,422 You not heard that before? - Yeah. 330 00:21:35,922 --> 00:21:37,603 Christ, that'll do. 331 00:21:37,726 --> 00:21:40,642 If you're looking for a seat, you can sit on my face! 332 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,675 Not her. She's staying with me. Her dad'll kill me. 333 00:21:43,794 --> 00:21:45,551 Leave it. - You lucky bastard. 334 00:21:45,675 --> 00:21:47,816 Hey, do you want something hard? 335 00:21:47,941 --> 00:21:50,736 Don't. Do it to other girls. Please, just... 336 00:22:02,418 --> 00:22:05,825 We go there every Wednesday nl'ght, It's a fun place, 337 00:22:06,027 --> 00:22:07,982 but it's full of loose women. 338 00:22:08,101 --> 00:22:11,399 And my only problem with that is venereal disease, 339 00:22:11,518 --> 00:22:13,779 which is disabilitating. 340 00:22:14,322 --> 00:22:16,199 Especially for a soldier. 341 00:22:17,432 --> 00:22:19,801 And it's irresponsible to your unit. 342 00:22:19,928 --> 00:22:21,730 You've been under attack for days, 343 00:22:21,848 --> 00:22:25,452 there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in. 344 00:22:25,573 --> 00:22:27,298 'Who's used all the penicillin?' 345 00:22:27,416 --> 00:22:30,365 'Mark Paxton, sir. He's got knob rot off some tart. ' 346 00:22:45,464 --> 00:22:47,146 Coming through. 347 00:22:47,883 --> 00:22:49,379 R- aargh! 348 00:22:50,418 --> 00:22:52,449 Don't worry. I haven't got any balls. 349 00:22:53,182 --> 00:22:55,673 Vodka and coke. Remembered. 350 00:22:55,794 --> 00:22:57,475 What am I drinking? 351 00:22:57,598 --> 00:22:59,356 Lager? - Pint thereof. 352 00:23:14,302 --> 00:23:17,142 They're coming up to me one at a time and going, 353 00:23:17,259 --> 00:23:20,251 'Will we be made redundant, David?' 354 00:23:20,370 --> 00:23:22,247 I'm going, 'No. Over my dead body. ' 355 00:23:22,366 --> 00:23:26,429 They're going, 'Don't put your neck on the line. ' 'I will if I want to. ' 356 00:23:26,552 --> 00:23:29,238 They bend over backwards for me, 357 00:23:29,355 --> 00:23:32,075 and not because they're scared of me, 358 00:23:32,197 --> 00:23:35,189 but because they love me and I love them. You know? 359 00:23:35,307 --> 00:23:38,988 You'll grow to love me as well - not because of anything sexual... 360 00:23:56,504 --> 00:23:58,568 Hey, David. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 361 00:24:02,110 --> 00:24:04,294 Hey, what bike you got? 362 00:24:04,414 --> 00:24:07,516 A Matchless 500. - Is that a Harley Davidson? 363 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,442 I love all that. - Leave it. 364 00:24:11,096 --> 00:24:13,465 Slough's nl'ghtlife is incredible, 365 00:24:13,592 --> 00:24:15,623 It's got two nl'ghtclubs - Chasers 366 00:24:15,819 --> 00:24:18,188 and New York New York, 367 00:24:18,315 --> 00:24:22,148 They call it 'The nightclub that never sleeps. ' That closes at one. 368 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,949 There is... There was... Oh, my God. 369 00:24:26,072 --> 00:24:29,294 a themed nightclub called Henry VIII's, right? 370 00:24:29,413 --> 00:24:32,328 It was incredible. It had the Ann Bow-ling Alley. 371 00:24:32,446 --> 00:24:33,866 This is true. 372 00:24:33,982 --> 00:24:38,045 As you went into the loo, there was a sign that said 'Mind Your Head. ' 373 00:24:38,168 --> 00:24:41,969 And underneath someone had written 'Don't get your Hampton Court. ' 374 00:24:43,659 --> 00:24:45,570 Yeah. It's not there anymore. 375 00:24:46,117 --> 00:24:49,415 But not a day goes by that I don't think about it. 376 00:25:03,973 --> 00:25:05,807 Who are you? 377 00:25:06,392 --> 00:25:08,346 Have you not met my husband Paul? 378 00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:09,689 Husband? 379 00:25:09,810 --> 00:25:11,994 Is it all right if Gareth comes back? 380 00:25:12,114 --> 00:25:13,686 Fine. - Husband? 381 00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:16,981 No way. No. I don't... Not interested. No. 382 00:25:17,106 --> 00:25:20,786 I'm not having another fella involved. Another girl, maybe. 383 00:25:20,907 --> 00:25:22,862 I wouldn't even want him watching. 384 00:25:22,981 --> 00:25:24,401 No way. 385 00:25:24,670 --> 00:25:28,198 'TAINTED LOVE' BY SOFT CELL) 386 00:25:52,741 --> 00:25:53,964 Hi. 387 00:25:54,085 --> 00:25:57,339 Hey. All right, mate. - How's it going? Good to see you. 388 00:26:00,651 --> 00:26:03,217 So now you know. - Yeah. Brilliant. 389 00:26:03,339 --> 00:26:05,174 You got a problem with Ricky? 390 00:26:05,298 --> 00:26:06,979 No. Sleep with everyone. 391 00:26:07,102 --> 00:26:09,788 He's not even permanent. I'd have preferred Gareth. 392 00:26:09,906 --> 00:26:12,778 Wouldn't happen. - 'Cause he didn't go to university? 393 00:26:12,901 --> 00:26:14,888 No, because he's a weasel-faced arse. 394 00:26:15,013 --> 00:26:18,813 You could do worse than Gareth. He hasn't missed one day from illness. 395 00:26:18,930 --> 00:26:21,463 And don't call him an arse-faced weasel. 396 00:26:21,579 --> 00:26:23,304 A weasel-faced arse. - Same. 397 00:26:23,422 --> 00:26:27,223 Would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel? 398 00:26:28,299 --> 00:26:29,598 A weasel, probably. 399 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,406 Fuck this. Don't tell me who I can and can't see. 400 00:26:32,523 --> 00:26:36,324 I hope you won't be sleeping with someone if sex is so disgusting. 401 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,777 Fat chance. He couldn't pull in a brothel. 402 00:26:38,898 --> 00:26:41,693 I could and I have! I'll take her home if I want. 403 00:26:41,816 --> 00:26:43,880 I don't want to. - She doesn't want to. 404 00:26:44,005 --> 00:26:46,571 I don't want you to. That's wasted an hour. 405 00:26:46,693 --> 00:26:49,914 Is that why you've been talking to me - you want to shag me? 406 00:26:50,034 --> 00:26:53,288 Yeah, and from behind because your breath stinks of onions. 407 00:26:54,450 --> 00:26:56,327 Whoo! One up the bum, no harm done. 408 00:26:56,446 --> 00:26:58,204 No. Not up the arse. 409 00:27:06,123 --> 00:27:09,422 This is the poem 'Slough' by Sir John BetJ'eman, 410 00:27:09,541 --> 00:27:11,298 Probably never been here, 411 00:27:12,114 --> 00:27:14,604 'Come, friendly bombs, and fall on Slough. 412 00:27:14,725 --> 00:27:16,374 'It isn't fit for humans now. ' 413 00:27:16,491 --> 00:27:20,215 You don't solve town planning problems by dropping bombs, 414 00:27:20,331 --> 00:27:22,166 so he's embarrassed himself there. 415 00:27:22,366 --> 00:27:25,052 'In labour-saving homes with care 416 00:27:25,170 --> 00:27:27,310 'Their wives frizz out peroxide hair, 417 00:27:27,435 --> 00:27:30,996 'and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails, ' To look nice, 418 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,000 Why's he got a...? Doesn't he like girls? 419 00:27:34,194 --> 00:27:37,645 'And talk of sports and makes of cars in various bogus Tudor bars, 420 00:27:37,842 --> 00:27:40,911 'and daren't look up and see the stars, but belch instead, ' 421 00:27:41,029 --> 00:27:43,290 What's he on about? He's never burped? 422 00:27:43,794 --> 00:27:46,743 Where are we going? - What? I'm going home, mate. 423 00:27:46,866 --> 00:27:49,050 One more drink. - I'm going home, David. 424 00:27:49,170 --> 00:27:51,965 One more drink. 425 00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:55,572 Don't do that. 426 00:27:55,698 --> 00:27:57,991 'Come, friendly bombs, and fall on Slough, 427 00:27:58,117 --> 00:27:59,842 'to get it ready for the plough, 428 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,838 'The cabbages are coming now. 429 00:28:01,957 --> 00:28:04,326 'The earth exhales... ' He's the only cabbage. 430 00:28:27,646 --> 00:28:29,524 They made him a knight of the realm. 431 00:28:30,642 --> 00:28:32,094 Overrated. 432 00:28:32,422 --> 00:28:42,022 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.