1
00:00:01,556 --> 00:00:02,888
Kevin Malone, you're next.

2
00:00:02,890 --> 00:00:05,522
Spit that out.

3
00:00:05,524 --> 00:00:07,955
Spit... okay, come on.
Let's go.

4
00:00:11,855 --> 00:00:13,821
You look cute today, Dwight.

5
00:00:14,722 --> 00:00:16,088
Thanks, girl.

6
00:00:19,022 --> 00:00:20,988
So, yesterday, Dwight found
half a joint

7
00:00:20,990 --> 00:00:22,422
in the parking lot.

8
00:00:22,424 --> 00:00:24,721
Which is unfortunate,
because, as it turns out,

9
00:00:24,723 --> 00:00:26,621
Dwight finding drugs
is more dangerous

10
00:00:26,623 --> 00:00:28,488
than most people using drugs.

11
00:00:28,490 --> 00:00:30,621
Let's go over
some of the symptoms

12
00:00:30,623 --> 00:00:33,455
of marijuana use, shall we?

13
00:00:33,457 --> 00:00:35,988
You tell me
who this sounds like.

14
00:00:35,990 --> 00:00:38,488
Slow moving.

15
00:00:38,490 --> 00:00:40,121
Inattentive.

16
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,121
Dull.

17
00:00:42,123 --> 00:00:45,188
Constantly snacking.

18
00:00:45,190 --> 00:00:48,455
Shows a lack of motivation.

19
00:00:51,022 --> 00:00:52,088
Hey.

20
00:00:52,622 --> 00:00:55,355
I like the people
I work with generally.

21
00:00:55,357 --> 00:00:57,221
With four exceptions.

22
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,621
But someone committed a crime.

23
00:00:59,623 --> 00:01:01,255
And I did not become
a Lackawanna County

24
00:01:01,257 --> 00:01:04,688
Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy
to make friends.

25
00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:06,721
And by the way, I haven't.

26
00:01:08,522 --> 00:01:14,589
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

27
00:01:39,356 --> 00:01:43,721
I enjoy the tangy zip
of Miracle Whip.

28
00:01:45,157 --> 00:01:47,155
Jim does the best impressions.

29
00:01:47,157 --> 00:01:48,721
Sometimes he'll look up at me
from his desk

30
00:01:48,723 --> 00:01:50,821
and he'll just be someone else.

31
00:01:50,823 --> 00:01:52,455
Like, he'll go, um...

32
00:01:58,822 --> 00:02:01,088
That was supposed to be Phyllis.

33
00:02:01,090 --> 00:02:02,487
I can't do it as good as he can.

34
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:04,988
And the guys are saying,
"Chug chug chug."

35
00:02:04,990 --> 00:02:07,221
But I'm so small
and all I'd eaten that day

36
00:02:07,223 --> 00:02:08,621
was one of those
Auntie M pretzels

37
00:02:08,623 --> 00:02:09,988
from the food court.

38
00:02:09,990 --> 00:02:12,221
So I said, "Is it okay
if I sip it?"

39
00:02:12,223 --> 00:02:13,221
And they said no.

40
00:02:13,223 --> 00:02:14,422
But Ryan seemed cool either way.

41
00:02:14,424 --> 00:02:15,854
Stop!

42
00:02:15,856 --> 00:02:18,988
This is not Kelly Kapur
story hour.

43
00:02:18,990 --> 00:02:22,921
Illegal drugs were consumed
on company property, okay?

44
00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:25,255
Your ass is on the line, Mister!

45
00:02:25,257 --> 00:02:26,988
My ass is on the line.

46
00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:28,521
Now, I'm gonna ask you again.

47
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:32,121
What time did you
go home last night?

48
00:02:32,123 --> 00:02:33,454
6:00.

49
00:02:40,855 --> 00:02:42,521
I didn't know that you were
at a party Saturday night.

50
00:02:42,523 --> 00:02:45,221
I go to a lot of parties.

51
00:02:45,223 --> 00:02:47,388
Okay, I'm gonna need
to search your car.

52
00:02:47,390 --> 00:02:48,721
Give me your keys.

53
00:02:48,723 --> 00:02:49,854
I am not giving you my keys.

54
00:02:49,856 --> 00:02:51,255
Don't make me
do this the hard way.

55
00:02:51,257 --> 00:02:52,388
What's the hard way?

56
00:02:52,390 --> 00:02:54,721
I go down to the police station

57
00:02:54,723 --> 00:02:56,021
on my lunch break.

58
00:02:56,023 --> 00:02:57,355
I tell a police officer...

59
00:02:57,357 --> 00:02:58,921
I know several.

60
00:02:58,923 --> 00:03:00,888
What I suspect
you may have in your car.

61
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,155
He requests a hearing
from a judge

62
00:03:02,157 --> 00:03:03,487
and obtains a search warrant.

63
00:03:03,489 --> 00:03:04,688
Once he has said warrant,

64
00:03:04,690 --> 00:03:07,788
he will drive over here
and make you give him

65
00:03:07,790 --> 00:03:09,255
the keys to your car.

66
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,255
And you will have to obey him.

67
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:12,955
Yeah, let's do it that way.

68
00:03:12,957 --> 00:03:14,454
Ryan, is he bugging you?

69
00:03:14,456 --> 00:03:15,888
Dwight, dude,

70
00:03:15,890 --> 00:03:18,055
you gotta take
a chill pill, man.

71
00:03:18,057 --> 00:03:21,654
It was one joint
in the parking lot, you know?

72
00:03:21,656 --> 00:03:23,955
You're totally harshing
the office mellow.

73
00:03:23,957 --> 00:03:24,955
I can't stop this investigation.

74
00:03:24,957 --> 00:03:26,088
It is my job.

75
00:03:26,090 --> 00:03:27,621
Whoa, you are a volunteer.

76
00:03:27,623 --> 00:03:29,121
I volunteered for this job.

77
00:03:29,123 --> 00:03:30,322
And that's not the same.

78
00:03:30,324 --> 00:03:31,521
It is my duty...
Volunteer duty,

79
00:03:31,523 --> 00:03:33,088
to investigate the crime scene.

80
00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:34,721
I have six more
interviews to go.

81
00:03:34,723 --> 00:03:37,021
And then I will reveal
what I know.

82
00:03:37,023 --> 00:03:38,621
Narc!

83
00:03:39,789 --> 00:03:41,521
If you are attempting
to compliment me,

84
00:03:41,523 --> 00:03:42,554
you have done a very good job.

85
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:43,854
I wasn't attempting
to compliment you.

86
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,055
Well, you have.

87
00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:46,454
Because being a narc is one of
the hardest jobs

88
00:03:46,456 --> 00:03:47,621
that you can have.
Okay.

89
00:03:47,623 --> 00:03:48,821
And I am very proud
of being a narc.

90
00:03:48,823 --> 00:03:49,821
Why don't you just cool it?

91
00:03:49,823 --> 00:03:51,387
Cool it, Dwight, please?

92
00:03:51,389 --> 00:03:52,387
God.

93
00:03:52,389 --> 00:03:54,055
Dude, where's my office?

94
00:03:54,057 --> 00:03:56,021
I totally lost it!

95
00:03:56,023 --> 00:03:57,155
'Cause I was half-baked!

96
00:03:57,157 --> 00:04:00,654
Smoking doobies!
Doobie Brothers.

97
00:04:00,656 --> 00:04:03,621
I was smoking doobies
with my brothers.

98
00:04:03,623 --> 00:04:05,854
Peace out!
Seacrest.

99
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,387
Well, your office is behind you.

100
00:04:09,389 --> 00:04:10,454
Thanks.

101
00:04:10,456 --> 00:04:11,988
Mmmunchies.

102
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:13,188
Who wants some munchies?

103
00:04:13,190 --> 00:04:15,854
I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.

104
00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:19,521
I don't know if anyone's
ever offered him any.

105
00:04:19,523 --> 00:04:22,221
Oscar visited Mexico
when he was five

106
00:04:22,223 --> 00:04:24,588
to attend his
great grandmother's funeral.

107
00:04:24,590 --> 00:04:26,155
What does that mean
to a United States

108
00:04:26,157 --> 00:04:27,921
law enforcement officer?

109
00:04:29,122 --> 00:04:30,688
He's a potential drug mule.

110
00:04:30,690 --> 00:04:33,188
Have you ever taken any
illegal drugs?

111
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,387
No, I have not.

112
00:04:34,389 --> 00:04:36,688
Do you think it's possible
that maybe

113
00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:38,721
you could have had
some drugs in your system

114
00:04:38,723 --> 00:04:41,088
without you knowing about it?

115
00:04:41,090 --> 00:04:43,088
What are you implying?

116
00:04:43,090 --> 00:04:45,221
Have you ever...

117
00:04:46,089 --> 00:04:49,188
pooped a balloon?

118
00:04:51,455 --> 00:04:54,588
Okay, I'm done with this.

119
00:05:01,222 --> 00:05:02,955
He sure left in a hurry.

120
00:05:02,957 --> 00:05:04,321
I don't wanna blow this.

121
00:05:04,323 --> 00:05:06,155
This is what all
good law enforcement officers

122
00:05:06,157 --> 00:05:07,821
dream of.

123
00:05:07,823 --> 00:05:11,688
The chance to solve
an actual crime.

124
00:05:11,690 --> 00:05:13,988
Do you know what this is?

125
00:05:13,990 --> 00:05:15,688
Yes, it's marijuana.

126
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,121
How do you know that?

127
00:05:17,755 --> 00:05:18,921
It's labeled.

128
00:05:20,555 --> 00:05:21,588
Dammit.

129
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:27,521
That is Northern Lights
Cannabis Indica.

130
00:05:27,523 --> 00:05:30,121
No.

131
00:05:30,123 --> 00:05:31,721
It's marijuana.

132
00:05:31,723 --> 00:05:32,854
I'm just saying
that you can't be sure

133
00:05:32,856 --> 00:05:34,055
that it wasn't you.

134
00:05:34,057 --> 00:05:35,688
That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.

135
00:05:35,690 --> 00:05:38,454
Marijuana is a memory loss drug.

136
00:05:38,456 --> 00:05:39,654
So maybe you just
don't remember.

137
00:05:39,656 --> 00:05:40,788
I would remember.

138
00:05:40,790 --> 00:05:41,888
Well, how could you

139
00:05:41,890 --> 00:05:42,888
of it just erased your memory?

140
00:05:42,890 --> 00:05:43,988
That's not how it works.

141
00:05:43,990 --> 00:05:46,221
Now, how do you know
how it works?

142
00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:47,788
Knock it off, okay?
I am interviewing you.

143
00:05:47,790 --> 00:05:49,888
No, you said that
I'd be conducting the interview

144
00:05:49,890 --> 00:05:51,155
when I walked in here.

145
00:05:51,157 --> 00:05:53,254
Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke?

146
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:58,121
So, Pam told me you do
a great Stanley impression.

147
00:05:58,123 --> 00:05:59,254
I'd love to hear it.

148
00:05:59,256 --> 00:06:00,955
Oh, um...

149
00:06:02,288 --> 00:06:04,554
Why do you keep CC'ing me
on things

150
00:06:04,556 --> 00:06:06,955
that have nothing to do with me?

151
00:06:06,957 --> 00:06:08,654
Why do you...

152
00:06:08,656 --> 00:06:09,788
Oh.

153
00:06:09,790 --> 00:06:11,055
Is that supposed to be me?

154
00:06:11,057 --> 00:06:12,554
Oh, hey, Stanley.

155
00:06:12,556 --> 00:06:13,788
I was just doing an impression.

156
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:16,354
I do not think that is funny.

157
00:06:17,889 --> 00:06:20,287
He does everyone in the office.

158
00:06:20,289 --> 00:06:21,354
Hmm.

159
00:06:26,288 --> 00:06:28,921
I do not think that is funny.

160
00:06:28,923 --> 00:06:30,121
Jinx.
Buy me a coke.

161
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,888
No no no!
No talking.

162
00:06:35,589 --> 00:06:36,721
Jim is not allowed to talk

163
00:06:36,723 --> 00:06:38,955
until after he buys me a coke.

164
00:06:38,957 --> 00:06:40,121
Those are the rules of jinx.

165
00:06:40,123 --> 00:06:42,155
And they are
unflinchingly rigid.

166
00:06:49,655 --> 00:06:50,921
Sold out!

167
00:06:50,923 --> 00:06:54,454
That has never happened
in the history of jinx!

168
00:06:55,622 --> 00:06:57,321
Sorry, that's not my problem.

169
00:07:05,889 --> 00:07:07,521
I know you're innocent.

170
00:07:07,523 --> 00:07:08,754
But I can't look like
I'm treating you

171
00:07:08,756 --> 00:07:10,588
any differently.

172
00:07:10,590 --> 00:07:11,788
I understand.

173
00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:15,354
Where were you yesterday
after work?

174
00:07:16,355 --> 00:07:18,387
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

175
00:07:18,389 --> 00:07:19,454
Who's he calling?

176
00:07:19,456 --> 00:07:20,788
Rattin' somebody out.

177
00:07:20,790 --> 00:07:22,854
Narc.
Narc!

178
00:07:22,856 --> 00:07:23,854
Kevin.

179
00:07:23,856 --> 00:07:25,187
That is so good, Michael.

180
00:07:25,189 --> 00:07:26,188
Remember the narc bit?

181
00:07:27,923 --> 00:07:29,055
I will let them know.

182
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,487
Uh-oh.
Who's in trouble?

183
00:07:30,489 --> 00:07:31,921
Attention, everyone!

184
00:07:31,923 --> 00:07:33,854
Drug testers are coming
in a couple hours

185
00:07:33,856 --> 00:07:36,321
to test everyone's urine.

186
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,487
Wha...
What?

187
00:07:38,489 --> 00:07:39,788
What are you talking about?
Company policy.

188
00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:41,554
If drugs are found
on the premises,

189
00:07:41,556 --> 00:07:43,354
there is automatic drug testing

190
00:07:43,356 --> 00:07:45,521
conducted within 24 hours.

191
00:07:45,523 --> 00:07:47,454
Is that true, Toby?

192
00:07:47,456 --> 00:07:49,387
Uh, when you sign
your job application

193
00:07:49,389 --> 00:07:51,788
you agree to comply
with random drug testing.

194
00:07:54,855 --> 00:07:57,387
Two nights ago I went
to an Alicia Keys concert

195
00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:59,120
at Montage Mountain
Performing Arts Center.

196
00:07:59,122 --> 00:08:00,688
I scored these
great aisle seats.

197
00:08:00,690 --> 00:08:02,588
Anyway, after the opening act,

198
00:08:02,590 --> 00:08:04,454
this beautiful girl
sits down next to me.

199
00:08:04,456 --> 00:08:06,421
And I never get to meet girls
with lip rings.

200
00:08:06,423 --> 00:08:08,321
And she had one.

201
00:08:08,323 --> 00:08:10,021
I don't know exactly
how this happened,

202
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,287
but one of her friends
started passing around

203
00:08:12,289 --> 00:08:13,554
some stuff.

204
00:08:13,556 --> 00:08:15,088
And they said that it
was clove cigarettes.

205
00:08:15,090 --> 00:08:17,187
And I'm sure that
it was clove cigarettes.

206
00:08:17,189 --> 00:08:19,354
Everybody in the aisle
was doing it.

207
00:08:19,356 --> 00:08:21,454
Okay, attention, everyone.

208
00:08:21,456 --> 00:08:23,421
The drug testing
has been cancelled.

209
00:08:23,423 --> 00:08:24,955
Instead, I will be going around

210
00:08:24,957 --> 00:08:27,888
to each of you and doing
a visual inspection.

211
00:08:27,890 --> 00:08:29,021
No, you can't do that.

212
00:08:29,023 --> 00:08:30,055
I can do that.

213
00:08:30,057 --> 00:08:31,055
It is my office.

214
00:08:31,057 --> 00:08:32,087
No, you cannot.

215
00:08:32,089 --> 00:08:33,821
It has to be official.

216
00:08:33,823 --> 00:08:35,988
And it has to be urine.

217
00:08:40,956 --> 00:08:42,120
Uh... all right.

218
00:08:49,455 --> 00:08:52,321
Kevin, what prescription drugs
are you taking

219
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,354
besides Rogaine?

220
00:08:53,356 --> 00:08:55,788
I'm not taking Rogaine.

221
00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:57,454
Angela, what about you?

222
00:08:57,456 --> 00:08:59,721
I don't take
any prescription drugs.

223
00:08:59,723 --> 00:09:02,654
You're not... on anything?

224
00:09:05,689 --> 00:09:06,788
Good.

225
00:09:10,121 --> 00:09:11,988
So, the first time
we went out to dinner,

226
00:09:11,990 --> 00:09:13,688
it was like, whatever, fine.

227
00:09:13,690 --> 00:09:15,154
But I was so nervous.

228
00:09:15,156 --> 00:09:17,521
So this time,
I want it to be special.

229
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:18,955
So I bought a new dress!

230
00:09:18,957 --> 00:09:20,387
One of those kinds
that's kind of low cut

231
00:09:20,389 --> 00:09:21,621
at the top to show some things

232
00:09:21,623 --> 00:09:23,021
but not everything.

233
00:09:23,023 --> 00:09:25,087
I mean, not everything, Jim.
I promise.

234
00:09:25,089 --> 00:09:26,955
Hey, you guys.
What's going on?

235
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:29,688
Oh, we're just having
the best conversation.

236
00:09:29,690 --> 00:09:31,454
Oh, okay... well,
Michael wants to see everyone

237
00:09:31,456 --> 00:09:33,154
in the conference room.

238
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,821
But you know what?
We have a few minutes.

239
00:09:35,823 --> 00:09:38,321
So you guys should definitely
finish up your conversation.

240
00:09:38,323 --> 00:09:39,387
Cool, thanks.

241
00:09:41,922 --> 00:09:45,087
So I was looking so hot...

242
00:09:45,089 --> 00:09:47,454
It has come to my attention

243
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:52,621
that some people here
think the use of drugs

244
00:09:52,623 --> 00:09:54,487
is something to laugh about.

245
00:09:54,489 --> 00:09:55,621
We don't feel that way.

246
00:09:55,623 --> 00:09:56,688
No, not at all.

247
00:09:56,690 --> 00:09:57,721
You were the one joking around

248
00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:58,854
calling Dwight a narc.

249
00:09:58,856 --> 00:10:00,821
No.
Uh, no.

250
00:10:00,823 --> 00:10:03,421
That was a test.
I was testing you.

251
00:10:03,423 --> 00:10:04,955
And you all failed.

252
00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:07,354
Miserably.

253
00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:09,688
When I said
that Dwight was a narc,

254
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:10,854
how many of you defended him?

255
00:10:10,856 --> 00:10:12,721
How many of you said,
"Hey, you know what?

256
00:10:12,723 --> 00:10:13,921
"He's right.

257
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:16,554
"What he's doing
is protecting this office

258
00:10:16,556 --> 00:10:17,854
from the evils of drugs"?

259
00:10:17,856 --> 00:10:19,120
Thank you, Michael.

260
00:10:19,122 --> 00:10:21,220
I am ridiculously
anti-drug.

261
00:10:21,222 --> 00:10:24,854
I am so anti-drug that I am
above suspicion

262
00:10:24,856 --> 00:10:27,120
in any way
that involved suspicion...

263
00:10:27,122 --> 00:10:29,287
or testing of any kind.

264
00:10:29,289 --> 00:10:31,987
Drugs ruin lives, people.

265
00:10:31,989 --> 00:10:35,220
Drugs destroy careers.

266
00:10:35,222 --> 00:10:36,721
Take Cheech and Chong.

267
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:39,354
Everybody knows that
Cheech and Chong are funny.

268
00:10:39,356 --> 00:10:41,220
But just imagine
how funny they would be

269
00:10:41,222 --> 00:10:44,154
if they didn't smoke pot.

270
00:10:44,156 --> 00:10:45,954
I want everybody
to take a look to their left.

271
00:10:47,422 --> 00:10:50,287
Now I want everybody
to take a look to their right.

272
00:10:50,289 --> 00:10:53,954
One of those people will be dead

273
00:10:53,956 --> 00:10:57,521
from drug use at some point
in their lives.

274
00:10:57,523 --> 00:11:00,120
This year, more people

275
00:11:00,122 --> 00:11:02,954
will use cocaine
than will read a book

276
00:11:02,956 --> 00:11:03,987
to their children.

277
00:11:03,989 --> 00:11:05,421
Where did you get these facts?

278
00:11:05,423 --> 00:11:06,854
Are these facts scaring you?

279
00:11:06,856 --> 00:11:07,921
Or are they not?

280
00:11:07,922 --> 00:11:09,020
They are not.

281
00:11:09,022 --> 00:11:12,688
Do you think
that smoking drugs is cool?

282
00:11:12,690 --> 00:11:15,721
Do you think
that doing alcohol is cool?

283
00:11:15,723 --> 00:11:16,854
No, I don't.

284
00:11:16,856 --> 00:11:18,154
I have a glass of red wine
with dinner

285
00:11:18,156 --> 00:11:20,654
about once a week
for the antioxidants.

286
00:11:20,656 --> 00:11:21,688
Okay, enough.
Enough.

287
00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:22,854
Enough!

288
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:28,321
I have written down a list
of illegal drugs.

289
00:11:28,323 --> 00:11:29,554
Take a gander.

290
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,287
How many of these
are you familiar with?

291
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:34,254
Hookah is not
an illegal drug, Michael.

292
00:11:34,256 --> 00:11:35,354
Yes, it is.

293
00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:36,987
No, it's not.

294
00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,020
It's a type of pipe.

295
00:11:39,022 --> 00:11:42,154
You can fill it with tobacco,
often mixed with fruit, or...

296
00:11:42,156 --> 00:11:43,887
Okay, you know what, Toby?

297
00:11:43,889 --> 00:11:45,220
Pam, could you take this down?

298
00:11:45,222 --> 00:11:47,920
In addition to Toby's urine
being tested,

299
00:11:47,922 --> 00:11:49,920
I would like to test
his blood and his hair.

300
00:11:49,922 --> 00:11:50,987
You can't do that.

301
00:11:50,989 --> 00:11:53,821
I can test anyone randomly.

302
00:11:53,823 --> 00:11:55,220
And I have chosen you randomly.

303
00:11:55,222 --> 00:11:56,254
That's not random.

304
00:11:56,256 --> 00:11:58,321
Okay, enie, meanie, miney, moe.

305
00:11:58,323 --> 00:12:00,120
Is random.

306
00:12:00,122 --> 00:12:01,454
Okay, you know what?

307
00:12:01,456 --> 00:12:02,754
I'm gonna need a volunteer

308
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,688
to select one of these words.

309
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:08,854
And tell us of something...
tragic that happened

310
00:12:08,856 --> 00:12:11,421
in either their lives
or the lives of a loved one.

311
00:12:12,789 --> 00:12:13,887
Yeah, Pam.

312
00:12:13,889 --> 00:12:17,554
I know that Jim
has an amazing story

313
00:12:17,556 --> 00:12:19,853
about a relative of his
who got caught up

314
00:12:19,855 --> 00:12:21,487
in the world of drugs.

315
00:12:21,489 --> 00:12:22,521
Really?

316
00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:23,621
Mmm-hmm.

317
00:12:23,623 --> 00:12:25,853
Jim, it's okay.
You can...

318
00:12:27,088 --> 00:12:29,654
This would be a good place
to let it out, Jim.

319
00:12:29,656 --> 00:12:30,654
These are people you can trust.

320
00:12:30,656 --> 00:12:32,821
These are people
who care about you.

321
00:12:32,823 --> 00:12:34,020
It's okay.

322
00:12:34,022 --> 00:12:36,154
Just... we will
not judge you.

323
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:37,853
We are here to not judge you.

324
00:12:37,855 --> 00:12:40,454
Oh, he's doing it.
Okay.

325
00:12:45,188 --> 00:12:46,987
It's okay.

326
00:12:58,622 --> 00:12:59,754
Oh.

327
00:13:01,488 --> 00:13:03,054
Okay, are you sure?

328
00:13:03,056 --> 00:13:05,887
That looked like
it was gonna be good.

329
00:13:05,889 --> 00:13:08,354
All right.
Okay, well...

330
00:13:08,356 --> 00:13:09,887
Wow!

331
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:12,454
He really pulled out
the big guns.

332
00:13:12,456 --> 00:13:14,154
Fake crying.

333
00:13:14,888 --> 00:13:16,521
Did not expect that.

334
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:22,120
The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,

335
00:13:22,122 --> 00:13:23,887
is that I hate drugs.

336
00:13:23,889 --> 00:13:25,754
I hate them.

337
00:13:25,756 --> 00:13:28,987
And based upon what I have seen,

338
00:13:28,989 --> 00:13:31,920
you all don't quite hate 'em
as much as I do.

339
00:13:31,922 --> 00:13:34,688
So you are going
to have a drug test.

340
00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:35,853
And I am not.

341
00:13:35,855 --> 00:13:36,987
No, you will be tested.

342
00:13:36,989 --> 00:13:38,054
Yes, I... no,
will not be.

343
00:13:38,056 --> 00:13:39,254
No, you will be.

344
00:13:39,256 --> 00:13:41,120
That is the law
according to the rules.

345
00:13:41,122 --> 00:13:42,354
Okay.

346
00:13:42,356 --> 00:13:44,187
Well, Dwight, just know...

347
00:13:44,189 --> 00:13:45,920
that I've been very busy today.

348
00:13:45,922 --> 00:13:47,954
And I've got a lot
of work to do.

349
00:13:47,956 --> 00:13:49,754
And I wasn't planning
on going to the bathroom.

350
00:13:49,756 --> 00:13:50,887
And I don't even know
if anything's

351
00:13:50,889 --> 00:13:52,020
gonna come out, okay?

352
00:13:52,022 --> 00:13:54,054
So, good.
Thank you.

353
00:13:56,689 --> 00:13:57,887
Hi, Linda.

354
00:13:57,889 --> 00:13:59,321
Dwight Schrute.
Assistant Regional Manager.

355
00:13:59,323 --> 00:14:01,820
You might remember
testing my urine

356
00:14:01,822 --> 00:14:03,853
a few years back
when I was applying

357
00:14:03,855 --> 00:14:05,654
to be a Volunteer
Sheriff's Deputy.

358
00:14:05,656 --> 00:14:07,321
We test a lot of urine.

359
00:14:07,323 --> 00:14:08,987
Mine was green.

360
00:14:08,989 --> 00:14:11,987
Oh, right.

361
00:14:11,989 --> 00:14:13,020
How are you?

362
00:14:13,022 --> 00:14:14,087
I'm all better.

363
00:14:14,089 --> 00:14:15,554
So I need you to do some work

364
00:14:15,556 --> 00:14:16,920
on the St. Andrew's account.

365
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:18,054
I need your urine.

366
00:14:18,056 --> 00:14:19,554
I need some filing done.

367
00:14:19,556 --> 00:14:20,554
What kind of filing?

368
00:14:20,556 --> 00:14:23,154
That... just forget it.
Just the urine.

369
00:14:23,156 --> 00:14:26,020
That goes directly
to the tester.

370
00:14:26,022 --> 00:14:27,287
Just...

371
00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:34,920
I need your urine.

372
00:14:37,721 --> 00:14:38,820
Like, in a cup?

373
00:14:38,822 --> 00:14:41,187
Yes, in a cup.
We're not animals, Dwight.

374
00:14:41,189 --> 00:14:42,853
For what purpose?

375
00:14:42,855 --> 00:14:43,987
It's none of your business.

376
00:14:43,989 --> 00:14:45,254
Then I refuse.

377
00:14:45,256 --> 00:14:46,787
Okay, all right.
Just...

378
00:14:46,789 --> 00:14:49,654
I went to
an Alicia Keys concert.

379
00:14:50,455 --> 00:14:51,954
Over the weekend.

380
00:14:53,088 --> 00:14:57,387
And I think I may have
gotten high accidentally

381
00:14:57,389 --> 00:14:59,220
by a girl with a lip ring.

382
00:15:00,021 --> 00:15:01,688
Are you serious?

383
00:15:05,088 --> 00:15:09,487
I need clean urine for the lady.

384
00:15:13,555 --> 00:15:14,588
But that's illegal.

385
00:15:14,590 --> 00:15:16,554
Don't think of it that way.

386
00:15:16,556 --> 00:15:18,521
It's like...

387
00:15:18,523 --> 00:15:20,321
Urine goes all over the place,
you know?

388
00:15:20,323 --> 00:15:21,421
There's no controlling it.

389
00:15:21,423 --> 00:15:23,454
It just...
Not my urine.

390
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,521
A cup could find its way
under the urine.

391
00:15:25,523 --> 00:15:27,020
It might be an accident.

392
00:15:27,022 --> 00:15:29,654
Were you forced to do drugs
at this concert?

393
00:15:29,656 --> 00:15:31,120
Is something wrong?

394
00:15:31,122 --> 00:15:32,287
Look, just...

395
00:15:34,522 --> 00:15:36,054
Just fill up the cup.

396
00:15:41,522 --> 00:15:43,588
Do you want to
give Michael your urine?

397
00:15:45,589 --> 00:15:48,220
I want him to have
all the urine he needs.

398
00:15:49,688 --> 00:15:51,154
You're not gonna get
my permission on this.

399
00:15:51,156 --> 00:15:52,321
I know that.

400
00:15:52,323 --> 00:15:53,987
Don't you think I know that?

401
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:58,687
Yeah, we do testing
all over the country.

402
00:15:58,689 --> 00:16:00,554
Cool.

403
00:16:00,556 --> 00:16:01,653
Hey, are you guys hiring?

404
00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:04,987
You wanna work
at the urinalysis lab?

405
00:16:06,555 --> 00:16:08,454
Yeah, maybe.

406
00:16:14,222 --> 00:16:17,120
My father's name
was Dwight Schrute.

407
00:16:17,122 --> 00:16:22,521
My grandfather's name
was Dwight Schrute.

408
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:28,220
His father's name?
Dwiged Schrued.

409
00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,054
Amish.

410
00:16:35,455 --> 00:16:37,820
I loved my father very much.

411
00:16:37,822 --> 00:16:40,054
Every morning
he'd wake up at dawn

412
00:16:40,056 --> 00:16:42,454
and make us biscuits with gravy.

413
00:16:42,456 --> 00:16:43,820
When I was little, my dad and I

414
00:16:43,822 --> 00:16:45,421
played a lot of games together.

415
00:16:45,423 --> 00:16:46,954
My dad cheated a lot,

416
00:16:46,956 --> 00:16:48,820
but I never busted him on it.

417
00:16:48,822 --> 00:16:50,920
I would have, except I didn't
know about it.

418
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,653
He didn't tell me
'til years later.

419
00:16:52,655 --> 00:16:55,020
I was shocked when I found out.

420
00:16:57,088 --> 00:16:58,987
What?

421
00:16:58,989 --> 00:17:01,087
Did you wanna tell me something?

422
00:17:01,089 --> 00:17:03,454
You look like
you wanna tell me something.

423
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:04,687
You look like you have something

424
00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:06,421
really important to say
and you just can't

425
00:17:06,423 --> 00:17:07,853
for some reason.

426
00:17:09,754 --> 00:17:11,853
Come on, you can tell me.

427
00:17:11,855 --> 00:17:15,787
Jim, you can tell me anything.

428
00:17:51,854 --> 00:17:53,687
I'd like a magazine.

429
00:17:53,689 --> 00:17:55,254
We just need urine, sir.

430
00:17:55,256 --> 00:17:56,954
I'd still like one.

431
00:17:57,754 --> 00:17:59,054
Dwight.

432
00:17:59,056 --> 00:18:01,087
Well...

433
00:18:01,089 --> 00:18:03,187
I passed the test, thanks to you

434
00:18:03,189 --> 00:18:04,853
and your untainted pee.

435
00:18:04,855 --> 00:18:06,487
Thank you very much.

436
00:18:06,489 --> 00:18:07,520
That's great.

437
00:18:07,522 --> 00:18:09,087
What's wrong?

438
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,387
Where's your costume?

439
00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:12,020
It's a uniform.

440
00:18:12,022 --> 00:18:14,620
And I turned it in today
when I tendered my resignation.

441
00:18:14,622 --> 00:18:16,853
Why? What...

442
00:18:16,855 --> 00:18:20,154
I took an oath
when I was sworn in.

443
00:18:20,156 --> 00:18:22,653
And I broke that oath today.

444
00:18:40,521 --> 00:18:41,587
Here.

445
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,020
Just buy it from me.

446
00:18:45,688 --> 00:18:46,954
I haven't talked
to you in hours,

447
00:18:46,956 --> 00:18:48,254
and it's been weird.

448
00:18:48,256 --> 00:18:49,520
And I really wanna know

449
00:18:49,522 --> 00:18:51,054
what the hell's going on
with Dwight.

450
00:19:05,121 --> 00:19:06,920
Hi.
Hey.

451
00:19:06,922 --> 00:19:08,287
How much time do you have left
on your break?

452
00:19:08,289 --> 00:19:09,387
10 minutes.

453
00:19:12,654 --> 00:19:16,287
Since you did such a good job
with the investigation,

454
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,620
I decided to pull a few strings,

455
00:19:18,622 --> 00:19:20,820
call in a few favors.

456
00:19:20,822 --> 00:19:22,287
And I've decided to make you

457
00:19:22,289 --> 00:19:25,087
Official Security Supervisor
of the branch.

458
00:19:25,089 --> 00:19:27,087
Really?

459
00:19:27,089 --> 00:19:28,920
Yes, sir.
That's fantastic.

460
00:19:28,922 --> 00:19:31,321
'Cause I've always felt
that the security here sucked.

461
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:35,120
So you wanna...

462
00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:38,620
"Dwight K. Schrute,

463
00:19:38,622 --> 00:19:41,954
"I hereby declare you
an honorary volunteer corporal

464
00:19:41,956 --> 00:19:46,187
in charge of assisting
all activity security."

465
00:19:46,189 --> 00:19:47,220
Good, okay?

466
00:19:47,222 --> 00:19:48,287
Here's your badge.

467
00:19:49,754 --> 00:19:51,220
Thank you, Michael.

468
00:19:51,222 --> 00:19:53,187
Very nice.

469
00:19:53,189 --> 00:19:55,354
Great.
Can I have a gun?

470
00:19:55,356 --> 00:19:57,520
No.
I don't have a gun.

471
00:19:57,522 --> 00:19:58,920
Okay.

472
00:19:58,922 --> 00:20:02,120
I'll have to bring in
my bow staff.

473
00:20:02,122 --> 00:20:04,787
I don't think so.
Don't.

474
00:20:04,789 --> 00:20:05,853
Good.
Thank you, Michael.

475
00:20:06,922 --> 00:20:08,486
No... oh...

476
00:20:11,355 --> 00:20:12,553
I need to go over
some details with you.

477
00:20:12,555 --> 00:20:13,853
First of all...
All right, well...

478
00:20:13,855 --> 00:20:16,254
Thank you.

479
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,620
How many orange traffic cones
do you have?

480
00:20:18,622 --> 00:20:19,753
Two.

481
00:20:19,755 --> 00:20:22,321
Oh... God.

482
00:20:22,323 --> 00:20:25,553
Wow, what a terrible day
to not be able to talk.

483
00:20:25,555 --> 00:20:28,054
Dwight was literally carrying
around his own urine

484
00:20:28,056 --> 00:20:29,453
and dressed like
one of the Village People.

485
00:20:29,455 --> 00:20:31,954
Why does he do the things
that he does for Michael?

486
00:20:31,956 --> 00:20:33,420
I just don't get it.

487
00:20:33,422 --> 00:20:35,453
What is he getting
out of that relationship?

488
00:20:36,657 --> 00:20:46,647
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