Brain teaser.
I have two coins totaling 15 cents.
One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
A dime and a nickel.
No, I said one of them is not a nickel...
But the other one is.
I've heard that before.
Okay, a man and his son get into a car accident.
They are rushed to the hospital.
The doctor says,
"There's no way I can operate on this boy."
"Because he's my son."
The doctor is the boy's mother.
A man is found hanging from the ceiling.
He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself,
and the ice melted.
A hunter...
It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Damn it!
Tell me what you did yesterday.
Uh, nothing.
- Nothing? - Yeah, nothing.
How was your day?
I don't care how your day was, Michael.
Wow.
Well, okay.
I don't care how your day was either, Jan.
I was just asking you because you asked me.
Tell me what you did yesterday.
I worked.
And then I went home to my condo.
And Carol came over.
And we had sex.
Is that what you want to hear?
Never, ever, ever sleep with your boss.
I'm so lucky that Jan and I
only got to second base.
Hi, Pam.
- Hi. - I'm great.
So, Pam, I'd like you to keep
a log of everything Michael does hour by hour
so that we can analyze it at corporate, okay?
Oh, I don't know... Thanks, Pam.
It's weird.
Jan used to treat Michael
like he was a 10-year-old.
But lately it's like he's five.
So, are you excited?
Yeah.
Very excited?
Yes, I'm very excited.
Extremely excited?
Just very... That's cool.
I have spent a year here.
And I have to commit or get out, so...
Dwight's the top salesman in the company,
and he's taking me on my first sales call today.
And, um, I'm excited.
I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet.
But more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet.
Is he gonna be a slacker- loser-wise-ass like Jim was,
or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions?
So, what if they're not talking much?
Then does it make sense to kind of lead the conversation?
You know, just until it gets to a point where
they are asking questions?
So, where's the sales office?
When you are ready to see the sales office,
the sales office will present itself to you.
Your journey begins now.
Hey.
What?
My chair's squeaking.
Is it?
You took my chair.
No, I didn't.
I took back the chair that you took from me.
But I didn't take your chair.
When you get up,
I'm just gonna take it back anyway, so...
So I guess I can't get up.
Hey, Coselli!
The Coz! The Cosby.
Hey, hey, hey!
I love Jell-O Pudding Pops!
My son Theo love Jell-O Pudding Pops too.
Do you know where we are, Temp?
I know where we're not.
I hold in my hand a beet seed.
Take it.
Ah...
When you...
Damn it.
Hey, Big Tuna.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure.
Can you stand up
and talk to me over there?
That's it?
That's what you came up with?
I'm acting my heart out here.
- Really, huh? - Yeah, really.
You asked for my help, so I helped.
Attention, Scranton Business Park.
There will be complimentary pretzels
available in the lobby from now until 4:00
as a thank-you to our loyal tenants.
Once a year, they bring in a little cart.
And they give away free pretzels.
It's really not a big deal.
To some people it is.
Productivity is important.
But how can I be productive
if I have this one little thing in my brain
that I cannot get out?
And that one little thing is a soft pretzel.
So I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel.
And I'll get to work.
And I'll be super productive.
Look out for me!
Oh, sh...
Come on.
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground,
I am going to plant my seed in you.
I don't think you know what you're saying.
Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
Uh-huh.
It's called bullcrap.
And a client can smell it from a mile away.
Gotcha.
Oh, hey...
I forgot something in my car.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Of course.
I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small.
Drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive.
And then I go to work to a job
for which I get paid too little.
But on pretzel day...
Well, I like pretzel day.
'Cause they're acting all tough and everything.
But what they were rapping about was cupcakes
and The Chronicles of Narnia.
Who invented cupcakes, right?
- I want to kill them. - Hey!
Hey, Phyllis!
What are you doing?
I'm just saying hi to Bob.
No, I think you're cutting in line.
Well, settle down, Scott.
No, I'm not gonna settle down. No, no way.
- Uh-uh, boo! - Get in the back, please.
- Boo! - Back of the line!
Thank you!
Back of the line.
That's right.
What a pair of Marys.
This is pretzel day.
"Hey, Dwight, you're a great salesman.
Can you teach me?"
"Sure, Ryan.
"I'll make you kneel in cow manure.
And I'll abandon you in a beet field."
"Oh, that sounds great, Dwight.
"I really appreciate that.
Thank you so much for your mentorship."
Congratulations, resourceful salesman.
You have passed the second challenge.
Welcome to Schrute Farm!
It's gonna be in my head all day.
Please?
This is not a proportionate response.
Whatever happened to those guys?
Michael.
No cuts!
Oh, Pam.
Just the woman I'd like to see.
You read my mind.
Great.
I thought you might want to use this time
to authorize some checks.
I thought that maybe you could
wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom.
You're an angel.
Hey, why don't you just go up to your office,
get some work done,
and I'll bring you a pretzel?
Because I like them a certain way.
And if it gets screwed up,
then this whole thing's blown.
You know, I just think it's really important that
you be productive today.
Pam, productivity starts with
patience and determination.
Okay.
It is time for your next test.
You have planted the beet seed.
You have walked the long, lonely walk of loneliness.
Look, man.
I was in a frat in college.
So I know what you're doing.
I get it.
You know what your problem is?
You know why you haven't made any sales?
Because you think you know everything.
You have to trust that maybe
there are other people
that can teach you things.
Are you ready to learn?
Are you ready for the final test?
Yeah.
Come on!
Thank you.
Hi, please tell me you have
a sweet pretzel left.
- We do. - Thank God.
And we have 18 different toppings.
We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar,
chocolate, white chocolate,
fudge, M&Ms, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip,
marshmallows, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts,
peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits,
and powdered sugar.
Is there any way that you could do all?
All of them?
The works? You got it.
All right!
Thank you.
Please be seated.
What was that?
Pay no attention to the spirits
that haunt this hallowed ground.
Is that your cousin Mose?
Yes.
Mose is my cousin, and he lives here.
He will always be my best friend.
Unless things go well with Ryan today.
In which case I won't hang out with Mose
so much anymore.
What is the greatest danger facing Dunder-Mifflin?
Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Wrong. Flash floods.
What is the true cause
of Robert Mifflin's suicide?
Depression?
Wrong. He hated himself.
What is the Dharma Initiative?
I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet.
Where could they be?
Sales take a long time.
Oh, my God. I'm so worried.
I'm sure Dwight will protect him.
I don't know. Dwight's so weird.
He's not weird.
He's just individualistic.
No, he's a freak.
You're a freak!
Final question,
young Ryan Howard.
What...
is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Um, loneliness.
Maybe women.
Wrong.
He's not afraid of anything.
Also, I would've accepted snakes.
Fear is what it's all about.
You cannot sell while undergoing fear.
You need to vanquish fear!
One must wrestle fear to the ground.
You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!
No! Okay, all right!
Wrestle him to the ground!
This is over, okay?
You're a freak.
I'm not doing this anymore and this is over.
- Ryan... - Good-bye.
Ryan, you don't have to wrestle him.
Ryan, just get in the coffin.
Ryan...
Bye, Ryan.
He seemed nice.
Where are all the animals?
Ryan, come on. I am sorry.
Mose is sorry too.
Look...
He sent over a basket with eggs
and some fat back bacon.
And look...
Something he whittled.
You still mad?
It's just...
Jim and I didn't get along.
And... I didn't want it to be that way again.
You know, I wanted us to be a team.
An unstoppable team
that competed against other teams.
Look, that's not what I wanted, okay?
I just wanted to go on a sales call.
Screw gun! The sales call!
Mr. Coselli.
Hey, hey, hey!
The Cos! What's going on?
Do we have a deal?
Deal or no deal?
Let's make a deal.
So what is the deal?
Establish time frames.
Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their heads.
And always keep the power in the conversation.
That's why you're losing them on the cold calls.
Because you say the word "please" too much.
Wait, can you go back?
Michael always says K-I-S-S.
"Keep it simple, stupid."
Great advice.
Hurts my feelings every time.
Okay, I'm gonna establish time frames.
Good.
I'm gonna put everything in terms of real dollars.
Right.
I'm gonna ask a lot of questions
that all have sort of positive answers.
So they'll say "That would be better" or
"We would like that."
Exactly, yes, good.
I'm going to try to be confident
but not cocky.
Oh, hey, everyone.
I am officially streamlining the efficiency
of this corporation.
- Second... - Second?
Yes, second, Toby.
Second, I am insisting on increased accountability
from every single one of you.
Account... Michael, what's going on?
And I will be taking questions.
Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
What's on your suit?
Caramel dip.
But one question at a time, please.
Phyllis, Stanley...
I want you to switch desks.
I'm going to reorganize
and restructure the physical layout
of the office to maximize everything.
I think we're getting a lot done, don't you?
On paper, at least.
And we are, after all, a paper company.
Are we not? Are we not?
Are you with me?
Thank you very much.
They really didn't like me.
They did not.
But they didn't have to say it to your face.
I don't get it.
I don't get what I did wrong.
Not everything's a lesson, Ryan.
Sometimes you just fail.
It's those online paper jerks.
The whole business is changing.
You know what?
They're gonna be screwed
once this whole Internet fad is over.
What are you doing? Oh, no!
No, no, no! No, Ryan!
Yes! Ryan the Temp, yeah!
Come on, come on!
Courtesy of Dunder-Mifflin!
Oh, come on!
- Drive! - You drive!
Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Oh, hi, Jan.
He's, uh, on a sales call.
No message?
Bye, Jan.
Temp! Temp!
Temp! Temp...
Ryan! Ryan!
Yes!
Just think.
That temp agency could've sent you anywhere.
I think about that all the time.
- Good night, Pam. - Good night.
Hey, what time is it?
5:20.
AM or PM?
PM.
Oh, good.
These came for you.
Contracts.
Brent Coselli.
Oh, Coselli. With the Jell-O.
This is a huge sale.
Yes, right. Good.
Good night, Michael.
Good night.
Dunder-Mifflin.
Oh, hey.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension.
It's a fantasy football thing.
Oh.
And I was just gonna go through the system
because I didn't think you'd be there.
Why are you still there?
I had to work late.
Jan's making me keep a log
of everything Michael does all day.
Wow.
Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
Yeah, totally.
So... So...
- Do you... - Oh, I'm sorry, go ahead.
Uh, no... I, um...
Everything's pretty much the same here.
Oh, good.
A little different.
What time is it there?
What time is it here?
We're in the same time zone.
Oh, yeah. Right.
How far away did you think we were?
I don't know. It felt far.
Yeah.
- I have a question for you. - What?
How many words per minute
does the average person type?
I type 90.
Shut up.
Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.
It's true.
Okay, I said average.
70?
How many do you type?
Forget it.
I was just about to brag. Forget it.
- Come on, tell me. - No.
You have to tell me now.
65.
Okay, no need to laugh.
No, it's... That's respectable.
Respectable?
So, okay, I'm watching the movie.
By myself, because I just wanted
a relaxing evening at home.
Okay.
And I'm freaking out!
Yeah.
That movie is so scary.
I know.
But I'm holding on
because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
No way!
How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Because I got it at Blockbuster
and they don't put the pictures on the box.
You're making this up.
Would I make that up?
Yes!
Fancy New Beesly would make that up.
New apartment, new stories...
Oh, yeah, My fancy new apartment.
I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.
And how many kitchens?
I have one kitchen.
Wow, you got totally taken
for a ride, Beesly.
It's actually...
Most apartments these days have, like, three.
Three kitchens?
Yes.
How are you gonna cook
every meal of the day in one kitchen?
Hey, Ryan. Are you okay?
Pam?
Yeah. Yeah.
Pam?
Um, okay.
Bye.
Oh, yeah. I should probably...
Oh, no... I was, um...
I don't know.
- You have to go? - Yeah.
No, I should probably go too.
Okay.
I mean, yeah.
Yeah.
Bye, Pam.
Bye, Jim.
364 days... Until the next pretzel day.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.