1 00:00:00,732 --> 00:00:02,133 Oh! 2 00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:04,537 She's absolutely adorable! 3 00:00:04,539 --> 00:00:06,641 He. 4 00:00:06,643 --> 00:00:09,647 Oh, sorry. He's dressed all in pink. 5 00:00:09,649 --> 00:00:11,051 That's his favorite color. 6 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,655 Oh, that's fun for him. 7 00:00:13,657 --> 00:00:15,226 Fantastic. 8 00:00:15,228 --> 00:00:18,532 Oh, wow, look at that. How cute. 9 00:00:18,534 --> 00:00:19,769 Thank you. 10 00:00:19,771 --> 00:00:21,004 Oh, may I? 11 00:00:21,006 --> 00:00:22,707 Sure. 12 00:00:24,512 --> 00:00:28,352 Hey, look at me! I'm a baby! 13 00:00:28,354 --> 00:00:30,589 I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking. 14 00:00:30,591 --> 00:00:32,260 What am I thinking? 15 00:00:32,262 --> 00:00:34,497 Look at all those staplers. 16 00:00:34,499 --> 00:00:35,801 What's a stapler? I don't even know. 17 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,838 I'm a baby. Hey, Mom! 18 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,707 I'm thirsty. 19 00:00:39,709 --> 00:00:41,211 I'm thirsty, Mama. 20 00:00:41,213 --> 00:00:42,781 I want some milk. 21 00:00:42,783 --> 00:00:45,719 And you know where milk comes from. 22 00:00:45,721 --> 00:00:47,056 Breasts! 23 00:01:22,261 --> 00:01:23,796 - Hey. - Hey. 24 00:01:26,035 --> 00:01:28,773 You almost done? 25 00:01:28,775 --> 00:01:32,146 Just about, yeah. 26 00:01:32,148 --> 00:01:33,548 Now. 27 00:01:33,550 --> 00:01:36,021 Yes, I've started to see Karen. 28 00:01:36,023 --> 00:01:39,394 It's very new, and I'm not really ready 29 00:01:39,396 --> 00:01:41,097 to talk about it openly yet just because 30 00:01:41,099 --> 00:01:43,435 I think once the word gets out there, 31 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,639 it might affect the way people behave around us. 32 00:01:45,641 --> 00:01:49,047 Or... I don't know. 33 00:01:49,049 --> 00:01:51,752 Just not yet. 34 00:01:51,754 --> 00:01:55,794 Yeah, Jan, it, um, looks like a check. 35 00:01:55,796 --> 00:01:57,463 A piece of paper of some sort. 36 00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,833 A receipt. 37 00:01:58,835 --> 00:02:00,703 Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting. 38 00:02:00,705 --> 00:02:01,705 Mm-hmm. 39 00:02:01,707 --> 00:02:02,741 Look, we have a rebate 40 00:02:02,743 --> 00:02:05,379 from the Federal Work Opportunity Program. 41 00:02:05,381 --> 00:02:06,715 And no one knows what that means. 42 00:02:06,717 --> 00:02:09,788 We get that money for hiring an ex-convict. 43 00:02:09,790 --> 00:02:12,426 I didn't hire an ex-convict. 44 00:02:12,428 --> 00:02:14,530 Unless they mean Toby. 45 00:02:14,532 --> 00:02:16,001 Convicted rapist. 46 00:02:17,672 --> 00:02:18,906 I'm just kidding. 47 00:02:18,908 --> 00:02:20,576 When did the check come? 48 00:02:20,578 --> 00:02:21,912 Last week. 49 00:02:21,914 --> 00:02:23,682 Okay, that's when the branches merged, 50 00:02:23,684 --> 00:02:25,719 so Josh must've been taking advantage of this program. 51 00:02:25,721 --> 00:02:27,089 Smart move. 52 00:02:27,091 --> 00:02:28,960 One of the Stamford people is a criminal? 53 00:02:28,962 --> 00:02:30,964 Hey, Jan, speaking of Stamford, 54 00:02:30,966 --> 00:02:32,901 Hannah brought in her baby. 55 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,439 Jan, which one of new employees is a criminal? 56 00:02:35,441 --> 00:02:39,180 A reformed convict. And I'm not sure. 57 00:02:39,182 --> 00:02:40,416 Though hang on. Let me email our H.R. 58 00:02:40,418 --> 00:02:41,919 Stay on the line. 59 00:02:41,921 --> 00:02:43,121 Who is it? 60 00:02:43,123 --> 00:02:45,125 Hannah? 61 00:02:45,127 --> 00:02:46,829 Hmm. 62 00:02:46,831 --> 00:02:49,000 Andy? 63 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,571 Andy. 64 00:02:51,573 --> 00:02:54,243 Martin? 65 00:02:54,245 --> 00:02:55,947 Oh, you are such a racist. 66 00:02:55,949 --> 00:02:57,683 Wait, why am I a racist? 67 00:02:57,685 --> 00:02:58,786 Because you think he's black. 68 00:02:58,788 --> 00:03:02,226 He is black, right? 69 00:03:02,228 --> 00:03:04,697 Stop it. Stop it right now! 70 00:03:04,699 --> 00:03:06,468 Okay, it's someone named Martin Nash. 71 00:03:06,470 --> 00:03:07,804 Yeah! 72 00:03:07,806 --> 00:03:09,040 Michael? 73 00:03:09,042 --> 00:03:12,179 Why did the convict have to be a black guy? 74 00:03:12,181 --> 00:03:15,552 It is such a stereotype. 75 00:03:15,554 --> 00:03:18,960 I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, 76 00:03:18,962 --> 00:03:21,999 like a white guy... 77 00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:23,736 who went to prison 78 00:03:23,738 --> 00:03:28,612 for polluting a black guy's lake. 79 00:03:28,614 --> 00:03:30,149 I wonder what he did. 80 00:03:30,151 --> 00:03:32,653 In our society, 81 00:03:32,655 --> 00:03:35,259 a black man can be arrested 82 00:03:35,261 --> 00:03:38,598 for almost anything. 83 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,471 He was probably at a sporting event 84 00:03:41,473 --> 00:03:44,410 and saw some people pushing each other. 85 00:03:44,412 --> 00:03:46,247 And he intervened. 86 00:03:46,249 --> 00:03:48,819 Why would anyone go to jail for that? 87 00:03:48,821 --> 00:03:51,191 So... 88 00:03:51,193 --> 00:03:53,295 what we need to do 89 00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:54,998 is to forget 90 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,269 about this whole "Martin in prison" thing. 91 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,040 People will draw 92 00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:00,642 unfair conclusions about Martin 93 00:04:00,644 --> 00:04:02,213 and/or black people. 94 00:04:02,215 --> 00:04:05,820 - Cool. - Okay. 95 00:04:05,822 --> 00:04:06,889 Angela? 96 00:04:08,559 --> 00:04:10,362 Sure. 97 00:04:10,364 --> 00:04:12,299 Let's protect the convicts 98 00:04:12,301 --> 00:04:14,103 at the expense of the general feeling 99 00:04:14,105 --> 00:04:15,639 of safety in the workplace. 100 00:04:15,641 --> 00:04:18,946 As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, 101 00:04:18,948 --> 00:04:21,251 rarely-visited corner of the office, 102 00:04:21,253 --> 00:04:22,988 naturally I agree with that. 103 00:04:22,990 --> 00:04:24,891 Good. 104 00:04:24,893 --> 00:04:26,327 All right. 105 00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,108 Jim Halpert. 106 00:04:33,110 --> 00:04:35,512 I am so horny. 107 00:04:39,454 --> 00:04:42,126 Okay, I can't help you with that. 108 00:04:42,128 --> 00:04:45,632 Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. 109 00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:48,505 Tell me about that Indian chick Kelly. 110 00:04:48,507 --> 00:04:50,042 She seems pretty slutty. 111 00:04:50,044 --> 00:04:51,979 Good for a romp in the sack. 112 00:04:51,981 --> 00:04:54,785 She is dating Ryan, I think. 113 00:04:54,787 --> 00:04:56,989 Oh, and I care why? 114 00:04:56,991 --> 00:04:58,725 She's high maintenance. 115 00:04:58,727 --> 00:05:01,064 Next. How about... 116 00:05:08,212 --> 00:05:09,313 Blondes are more fun. 117 00:05:09,315 --> 00:05:10,515 Come on, trust me on that. 118 00:05:10,517 --> 00:05:11,551 Yeah, trust me. 119 00:05:11,553 --> 00:05:13,956 That would be fun for no one. 120 00:05:13,958 --> 00:05:15,927 Okay, fine. Okay. 121 00:05:15,929 --> 00:05:18,298 Pam, the receptionist. 122 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:22,039 Pam. Should I go for it? 123 00:05:28,486 --> 00:05:30,722 Absolutely you should. 124 00:05:30,724 --> 00:05:32,192 Jackpot. 125 00:05:32,194 --> 00:05:34,096 Just try to be cool. 126 00:05:34,098 --> 00:05:35,298 I am cool. 127 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,434 Are you cool really? 128 00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:37,603 I'm so cool. 129 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,939 Tell me what is going on. 130 00:05:39,977 --> 00:05:44,049 Um, Martin from Stamford 131 00:05:44,051 --> 00:05:47,389 was at one time in prison. 132 00:05:50,831 --> 00:05:54,170 No, Dwight. Be cool, be cool. 133 00:05:54,172 --> 00:05:55,439 I am greatly concerned 134 00:05:55,441 --> 00:05:57,376 about having a convict in the office. 135 00:05:57,378 --> 00:05:59,981 And I do not care if that convict is white, 136 00:05:59,983 --> 00:06:02,319 black, Asian, German, 137 00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:04,858 or some kind of halfsie. 138 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:07,162 I do not like criminals. 139 00:06:19,455 --> 00:06:21,724 Oh, God. 140 00:06:23,462 --> 00:06:26,000 All righty. Let's get started. 141 00:06:26,002 --> 00:06:27,636 What is she into? 142 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,340 I know Pam pretty well. 143 00:06:29,342 --> 00:06:30,877 I know the things that she likes. 144 00:06:30,879 --> 00:06:32,747 And just as important, 145 00:06:32,749 --> 00:06:34,517 I know the things that she hates. 146 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:37,723 So one of the things that she likes is pranks. 147 00:06:37,725 --> 00:06:40,963 And the things that she hates... 148 00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,566 Frisbee-based competitions. 149 00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:44,470 Are you kidding? 150 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,541 I started the main Frisbee golf club 151 00:06:46,543 --> 00:06:49,079 at Cornell where I went to college. 152 00:06:49,081 --> 00:06:50,582 I live to frolf. 153 00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:52,052 Lead off with that. 154 00:06:52,054 --> 00:06:53,488 Okay. 155 00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:55,058 She loves hunting. 156 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:58,331 She also loves those ads for Six Flags 157 00:06:58,333 --> 00:06:59,366 with the old guy. 158 00:07:01,372 --> 00:07:02,740 Got it. 159 00:07:02,742 --> 00:07:05,913 Also... do you speak pig Latin? 160 00:07:05,915 --> 00:07:08,418 Hey, Martin. How's it going? 161 00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:10,890 Good. Getting settled, you know. 162 00:07:10,892 --> 00:07:13,628 Ah, good, good. Good. 163 00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:14,965 Just a second. 164 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:18,671 Everybody, may I have your attention please? 165 00:07:18,673 --> 00:07:21,711 I realize that a lot of you have already heard 166 00:07:21,713 --> 00:07:23,514 that Martin here 167 00:07:23,516 --> 00:07:25,685 has had some trouble with the law. 168 00:07:25,687 --> 00:07:27,890 But I just want to declare publicly 169 00:07:27,892 --> 00:07:31,564 that I trust him completely. 170 00:07:31,566 --> 00:07:34,236 And that anybody who doesn't 171 00:07:34,238 --> 00:07:38,478 is an ignorant, dumb person, okay? 172 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,546 As a matter of fact, 173 00:07:39,548 --> 00:07:41,785 you show me a white man you trust, 174 00:07:41,787 --> 00:07:44,023 and I will show you a black man 175 00:07:44,025 --> 00:07:46,727 that I trust even more. 176 00:07:46,730 --> 00:07:48,732 Pam, tell me a white person you trust. 177 00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,068 My dad. 178 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,706 Danny Glover. 179 00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:55,278 - Yeah? - Jonas Salk. 180 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,282 - Who? - Justin Timberlake. 181 00:07:57,284 --> 00:07:59,486 Oh, please. Colin Powell. 182 00:07:59,488 --> 00:08:00,588 Hey, I got one. 183 00:08:00,590 --> 00:08:02,092 - Yeah? - Jesus. 184 00:08:02,094 --> 00:08:04,196 Apollo Creed. 185 00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:07,703 Close your eyes. 186 00:08:07,705 --> 00:08:10,408 Picture a convict. 187 00:08:10,410 --> 00:08:12,412 What's he wearing? 188 00:08:12,414 --> 00:08:13,816 Nothing special. 189 00:08:13,818 --> 00:08:16,654 Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. 190 00:08:16,656 --> 00:08:18,624 He says something ordinary like, 191 00:08:18,626 --> 00:08:20,796 "Yo, that's shizzle." 192 00:08:20,798 --> 00:08:24,570 Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. 193 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:26,474 Who were you picturing? 194 00:08:26,476 --> 00:08:28,578 A black man? 195 00:08:28,580 --> 00:08:29,680 Wrong. 196 00:08:29,682 --> 00:08:33,154 That was a white woman. 197 00:08:33,156 --> 00:08:35,793 Surprised? 198 00:08:35,795 --> 00:08:37,529 Well, shame on you. 199 00:08:37,697 --> 00:08:40,368 So, you all want to know what I was in for? 200 00:08:40,370 --> 00:08:42,907 No, that's not cool. 201 00:08:42,909 --> 00:08:44,309 You don't have to tell them. 202 00:08:44,311 --> 00:08:48,786 I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. 203 00:08:48,788 --> 00:08:50,355 I was working in finance, 204 00:08:50,357 --> 00:08:52,960 and I got involved in some insider trading. 205 00:08:52,962 --> 00:08:55,398 So I spent a little time 206 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,935 in the clink. 207 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,439 Oh! 208 00:08:59,441 --> 00:09:03,614 That is awesome. 209 00:09:03,616 --> 00:09:06,855 I had Martin explain to me three times 210 00:09:06,857 --> 00:09:11,163 what he got arrested for, because... 211 00:09:11,165 --> 00:09:13,167 it sounds an awful lot 212 00:09:13,169 --> 00:09:17,977 like I what I do here every day. 213 00:09:17,979 --> 00:09:19,613 What was prison like? 214 00:09:19,615 --> 00:09:21,150 Not terrible. 215 00:09:21,152 --> 00:09:22,452 Boring. 216 00:09:22,454 --> 00:09:24,924 We do the same thing every day. 217 00:09:24,926 --> 00:09:26,660 But at least we'd get outdoors time. 218 00:09:26,662 --> 00:09:28,030 You got outdoors time? 219 00:09:28,032 --> 00:09:30,068 Two hours every day. 220 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,038 Sometimes we'd play pickup football games. 221 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,643 Michael, why don't we get outdoors time? 222 00:09:34,645 --> 00:09:36,547 Yeah, some days I never go outside. 223 00:09:36,549 --> 00:09:38,284 Well, we are running a business. 224 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,453 What was your cell like? 225 00:09:39,455 --> 00:09:40,789 Not good. 226 00:09:40,791 --> 00:09:45,198 It was a little bit bigger than Michael's office. 227 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,469 But you know, I really only slept there. 228 00:09:47,471 --> 00:09:51,010 You know, during the day our time was our own. 229 00:09:51,012 --> 00:09:52,712 They had classes. 230 00:09:52,714 --> 00:09:54,516 I took some watercolor classes. 231 00:09:54,518 --> 00:09:56,053 They have art classes? 232 00:09:56,055 --> 00:09:57,188 Yeah. 233 00:09:57,190 --> 00:09:58,992 They have business classes there? 234 00:09:58,994 --> 00:10:01,831 They did, taught by some Harvard Business School guys. 235 00:10:01,833 --> 00:10:04,169 A lot of the guys also that were in the class... 236 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,739 the inmates... 237 00:10:05,741 --> 00:10:06,975 a lot of them have gone on to do 238 00:10:06,977 --> 00:10:08,511 - extraordinary things in business. - Terrible things. 239 00:10:08,513 --> 00:10:11,350 Kind of sounds like prison's better than Dunder-Mifflin. 240 00:10:11,352 --> 00:10:13,521 Okay, well, that's not true. 241 00:10:13,523 --> 00:10:15,425 I would so rather be in prison. 242 00:10:15,427 --> 00:10:16,928 Prison sounds great. 243 00:10:16,930 --> 00:10:18,397 No, you would not. 244 00:10:18,399 --> 00:10:19,700 This place is not prison. 245 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:23,641 It's way better than prison. 246 00:10:23,643 --> 00:10:25,545 Baby! 247 00:10:25,547 --> 00:10:26,714 Hello, baby! 248 00:10:26,716 --> 00:10:27,917 Here, you want to play with this? 249 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:29,286 You can't give paperclips to a baby. 250 00:10:29,288 --> 00:10:30,756 He could swallow. 251 00:10:30,758 --> 00:10:32,592 Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em. 252 00:10:32,594 --> 00:10:35,231 You like that? Goo goo goo goo? 253 00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:39,606 Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. 254 00:10:39,608 --> 00:10:41,276 Listen, you're cute. 255 00:10:41,278 --> 00:10:43,915 There's no getting around it. 256 00:10:43,917 --> 00:10:46,453 So I don't know if I like country music, 257 00:10:46,455 --> 00:10:48,290 but I was thinking maybe one of these days 258 00:10:48,292 --> 00:10:49,493 we could drive out to the fields, 259 00:10:49,495 --> 00:10:51,430 crank up some tunes. 260 00:10:51,432 --> 00:10:53,167 Smoke a few Macanudos. 261 00:10:53,169 --> 00:10:56,407 Maybe even toss a disc around. 262 00:10:56,409 --> 00:10:59,346 Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay? 263 00:10:59,348 --> 00:11:02,385 Wow. I... 264 00:11:02,387 --> 00:11:04,556 Shh! 265 00:11:04,558 --> 00:11:06,260 Think about it. 266 00:11:06,262 --> 00:11:07,730 I'll hit you back. 267 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,056 Wow. 268 00:11:21,058 --> 00:11:24,730 That was... 269 00:11:24,732 --> 00:11:27,102 Wow. 270 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,708 Okay, listen up, everybody. 271 00:11:30,710 --> 00:11:35,318 Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place. 272 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,555 And I heard you loud and clear. 273 00:11:37,557 --> 00:11:40,328 So I am instituting some changes 274 00:11:40,330 --> 00:11:42,465 to make this more like prison. 275 00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:43,935 We are going to start 276 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:46,173 with an hour of outdoor time. 277 00:11:46,175 --> 00:11:47,308 So let's go! 278 00:11:56,261 --> 00:11:57,462 Michael, it's freezing out. 279 00:11:57,464 --> 00:11:58,899 I can't feel my toes. 280 00:11:58,901 --> 00:12:02,873 Why don't we pump some iron? 281 00:12:02,875 --> 00:12:04,877 Anybody want to pump up? 282 00:12:04,879 --> 00:12:07,048 What is that, like, five pounds? 283 00:12:07,050 --> 00:12:08,717 It's two and half. 284 00:12:08,719 --> 00:12:10,889 I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone. 285 00:12:10,891 --> 00:12:12,091 I'm going back inside. It's freezing. 286 00:12:12,093 --> 00:12:14,129 Yeah, it is freaking cold out here. 287 00:12:14,131 --> 00:12:15,531 Anybody wants to stay out, 288 00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:17,035 you got about 27 minutes of rec time. 289 00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,913 Oh, hey, Martin! 290 00:12:22,915 --> 00:12:25,318 You have TV in the joint? 291 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,653 Yeah, in the rec room. 292 00:12:26,655 --> 00:12:28,959 Ah, got a ten-inch black and white? 293 00:12:28,961 --> 00:12:31,129 Actually, our TV was bigger than that one. 294 00:12:33,135 --> 00:12:35,973 These people do realize how lucky they are. 295 00:12:35,975 --> 00:12:39,346 This office is the American Dream. 296 00:12:39,348 --> 00:12:41,250 And they would rather be in the hole. 297 00:12:43,188 --> 00:12:45,258 Oh, Andy. 298 00:12:45,260 --> 00:12:47,562 I thought of one last tack you can take with Pam. 299 00:12:47,564 --> 00:12:50,368 - Yeah, what? - Quick question. Do you play the guitar? 300 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,603 I play the banjo. 301 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:52,973 Hold on. Let me think about that. 302 00:12:52,975 --> 00:12:54,342 Yes, that'll work. 303 00:12:54,344 --> 00:12:57,582 But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? 304 00:13:02,795 --> 00:13:03,795 Yep, that's perfect. 305 00:13:03,797 --> 00:13:06,266 - Hey. - Hey. 306 00:13:06,268 --> 00:13:07,803 I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car. 307 00:13:07,805 --> 00:13:09,039 Perfect. 308 00:13:09,041 --> 00:13:11,643 What is going on? 309 00:13:11,645 --> 00:13:13,314 I'm messing with Andy. 310 00:13:13,316 --> 00:13:14,917 I'm sending him to all the women in the office 311 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,455 with just terrible information 312 00:13:17,457 --> 00:13:18,992 on how to get them to go out with him. 313 00:13:18,994 --> 00:13:20,428 I love it. I want in. 314 00:13:20,430 --> 00:13:23,334 Who's the target? 315 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,806 Oh, you know what? 316 00:13:25,808 --> 00:13:27,810 - It was gonna be Pam, but... - Perfect. 317 00:13:27,812 --> 00:13:29,479 What do I do? Just give me an assignment. 318 00:13:29,481 --> 00:13:32,018 Oh, you know what, though? 319 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,322 I feel like I already sicced him on Pam. 320 00:13:34,324 --> 00:13:35,658 We'll give her a break. 321 00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:38,097 Let's think of someone else. 322 00:13:38,099 --> 00:13:39,232 All right, everybody. 323 00:13:39,234 --> 00:13:41,203 There has been a lot of name-calling 324 00:13:41,205 --> 00:13:42,740 against our office today. 325 00:13:42,742 --> 00:13:45,746 Corporate maligning, slurring. 326 00:13:45,748 --> 00:13:48,952 Much of it coming from one of you 327 00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:53,160 who claims that prison is better 328 00:13:53,162 --> 00:13:54,764 than here. 329 00:13:54,766 --> 00:13:57,268 And none of us can say "boo" 330 00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:00,274 because none of us have ever been to prison. 331 00:14:00,276 --> 00:14:03,614 Well, here's somebody I'd like you to meet. 332 00:14:03,616 --> 00:14:06,921 Somebody else who has been to prison 333 00:14:06,923 --> 00:14:08,424 who can tell you what 334 00:14:08,426 --> 00:14:12,165 it is really like. 335 00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:15,571 I'm Prison Mike. 336 00:14:15,573 --> 00:14:17,976 You know why they call me Prison Mike? 337 00:14:17,978 --> 00:14:19,612 Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else? 338 00:14:19,614 --> 00:14:21,283 Do you really expect me 339 00:14:21,285 --> 00:14:23,755 to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch? 340 00:14:23,757 --> 00:14:25,524 Hey! Whoa, whoa! 341 00:14:25,526 --> 00:14:28,330 Hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. 342 00:14:28,332 --> 00:14:31,136 Been a lot of fun talk about prison today. 343 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:33,307 But I am here to scare you straight. 344 00:14:34,978 --> 00:14:39,118 I am here to scare you straight! 345 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,924 In prison, you are somebody's bitch. 346 00:14:41,926 --> 00:14:43,460 Oh, and you. 347 00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:45,264 You, my friend, would be 348 00:14:45,266 --> 00:14:47,268 da belle of da ball. 349 00:14:47,270 --> 00:14:49,639 Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap. 350 00:14:49,641 --> 00:14:50,708 Michael, please. 351 00:14:53,082 --> 00:14:55,117 Where did you learn all of this? 352 00:14:55,119 --> 00:14:56,286 Internet. 353 00:14:56,288 --> 00:14:57,321 So not prison. 354 00:14:57,323 --> 00:15:00,261 And prison. It's 50/50. 355 00:15:00,263 --> 00:15:01,596 Both. 356 00:15:01,598 --> 00:15:03,600 Look, prison stinks 357 00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:04,837 is what I'm saying. 358 00:15:04,839 --> 00:15:06,406 It's not like you can go home 359 00:15:06,408 --> 00:15:08,143 and recharge your batteries 360 00:15:08,145 --> 00:15:09,445 and come back in the morning 361 00:15:09,447 --> 00:15:12,218 and be with your friends having fun in the office. 362 00:15:13,856 --> 00:15:15,357 What did you do, Prison Mike? 363 00:15:15,359 --> 00:15:18,063 I stole. 364 00:15:18,065 --> 00:15:20,568 And I robbed. 365 00:15:20,570 --> 00:15:24,242 And I kidnapped the President's son 366 00:15:24,244 --> 00:15:25,711 and held him for ransom. 367 00:15:25,713 --> 00:15:28,617 That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. 368 00:15:28,619 --> 00:15:30,354 An I never got caught neither. 369 00:15:30,356 --> 00:15:32,658 Well, you're in prison, but, mm-hmm. 370 00:15:32,660 --> 00:15:35,164 Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison? 371 00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:38,170 Gruel sandwiches. 372 00:15:38,172 --> 00:15:39,472 Gruel omelets. 373 00:15:39,474 --> 00:15:41,309 Nothing but gruel. 374 00:15:41,311 --> 00:15:42,879 Plus, you can eat your own hair. 375 00:15:42,881 --> 00:15:44,649 Wow. 376 00:15:44,651 --> 00:15:45,986 Prison sounds horrible. 377 00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,889 Yeah, yeah. 378 00:15:47,891 --> 00:15:50,060 Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks. 379 00:15:50,062 --> 00:15:52,365 Prison Mike, what's the very, very 380 00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:53,968 worst thing about prison? 381 00:15:53,970 --> 00:15:56,006 Don't encourage him, Dwight. 382 00:15:56,008 --> 00:15:59,379 The worst thing about prison was... was the Dementors. 383 00:15:59,381 --> 00:16:01,616 They were flying all over the place, 384 00:16:01,618 --> 00:16:03,253 and they were scary. 385 00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:04,522 And then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul 386 00:16:04,524 --> 00:16:05,892 out of your body, and it hurt. 387 00:16:05,894 --> 00:16:07,561 Dementors like in Harry Potter? 388 00:16:07,563 --> 00:16:10,234 No, not Harry Potter. 389 00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:12,238 There were no movies in prison. 390 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,373 This is my point. 391 00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:16,112 You guys got it soft and cushy. 392 00:16:16,114 --> 00:16:17,783 This place is freaking awesome. 393 00:16:17,785 --> 00:16:19,285 The people are awesome. 394 00:16:19,287 --> 00:16:20,421 Your boss is nice. 395 00:16:20,423 --> 00:16:22,158 Everybody seems to get along. 396 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,162 People are tolerant. 397 00:16:24,164 --> 00:16:26,066 People who would jump to conclusions 398 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,635 can redeem themselves. 399 00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:30,007 Nobody's nobody's bitch. 400 00:16:30,009 --> 00:16:31,911 I hope that this scared you. 401 00:16:31,913 --> 00:16:34,449 And from me, Prison Mike, to you, 402 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:37,856 I just want to thank you for listening to me. 403 00:16:37,858 --> 00:16:40,862 And letting me be a part of your life today. 404 00:16:40,864 --> 00:16:44,135 'Cause you got a good life! 405 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,504 You got a good life. 406 00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:48,110 A good life. 407 00:16:53,756 --> 00:16:56,059 So, what do you think? 408 00:16:56,061 --> 00:16:57,896 It doesn't sound so great, does it? 409 00:16:57,898 --> 00:17:00,835 Wow. 410 00:17:00,837 --> 00:17:02,438 Thank you. 411 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,544 Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. 412 00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:06,914 Both of you. 413 00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:09,719 Yeah, that wasn't really 414 00:17:09,721 --> 00:17:11,623 at all my experience. 415 00:17:11,625 --> 00:17:13,560 There were certain elements 416 00:17:13,562 --> 00:17:15,330 of what you performed 417 00:17:15,332 --> 00:17:17,601 I've seen on television, 418 00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:20,340 but it didn't remind me of my time in prison. 419 00:17:23,314 --> 00:17:25,752 Okay, okay. Fine. 420 00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:27,923 You guys think prison is so great? 421 00:17:27,925 --> 00:17:30,027 All right. 422 00:17:30,029 --> 00:17:33,166 Well, here you go. 423 00:17:33,168 --> 00:17:35,137 Okay, Michael. Come on, let us out. 424 00:17:35,139 --> 00:17:37,742 No, if you think prison is so wonderful, 425 00:17:37,744 --> 00:17:39,078 then enjoy prison. 426 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,647 Are we locked in here? 427 00:17:40,649 --> 00:17:42,318 They are such babies. 428 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,222 I am going to leave them in there 429 00:17:44,224 --> 00:17:46,626 until they can appreciate what it's like 430 00:17:46,628 --> 00:17:48,396 to have freedom. 431 00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:50,067 And if this doesn't bother them, 432 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,837 then I am out of ideas. 433 00:17:56,181 --> 00:17:58,818 Hey! Let us out of here! 434 00:18:01,658 --> 00:18:04,963 - Hey, I have... - Shh! 435 00:18:09,373 --> 00:18:11,376 This is Toby. 436 00:18:11,378 --> 00:18:13,146 Hey, Pam. 437 00:18:13,148 --> 00:18:14,750 Where are you calling from? 438 00:18:17,622 --> 00:18:19,993 Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room? 439 00:18:19,995 --> 00:18:23,300 They were very disrespectful to me and to the office. 440 00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:26,606 And Martin has had a bad influence. 441 00:18:26,608 --> 00:18:29,378 To think that I gave him the benefit of a doubt. 442 00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:30,782 It's... 443 00:18:30,784 --> 00:18:34,188 Well, you're gonna have to let them out or I will. 444 00:18:34,190 --> 00:18:36,626 Okay, you know what, Toby? 445 00:18:36,628 --> 00:18:40,434 I am teaching them a lesson, so... 446 00:18:40,436 --> 00:18:42,772 You know they're teasing you. 447 00:18:42,774 --> 00:18:45,577 I mean, obviously this is 448 00:18:45,579 --> 00:18:50,087 a much nicer place than an actual prison. 449 00:18:50,089 --> 00:18:51,622 We get paid to be here. 450 00:18:51,624 --> 00:18:54,061 We go home afterwards and have social lives. 451 00:18:54,063 --> 00:18:57,134 And we have parties here. 452 00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,476 They're teasing you. 453 00:19:01,478 --> 00:19:02,879 To be funny. 454 00:19:11,296 --> 00:19:13,834 Okay, nutcases, get out of there. 455 00:19:13,836 --> 00:19:15,704 Good work. 456 00:19:15,706 --> 00:19:17,976 Long day. Really long. 457 00:19:17,978 --> 00:19:21,115 Why don't you guys head home early? 458 00:19:21,117 --> 00:19:23,720 Time off for good behavior! 459 00:19:25,559 --> 00:19:27,862 Good job. 460 00:19:27,864 --> 00:19:30,100 Enjoy your freedoms. 461 00:19:34,609 --> 00:19:39,452 Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford 462 00:19:39,454 --> 00:19:41,824 to a convict, 463 00:19:41,826 --> 00:19:44,495 to my friend, 464 00:19:44,497 --> 00:19:46,699 back to a convict, 465 00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:49,505 then to kind of a nuisance, actually, 466 00:19:49,507 --> 00:19:51,910 if we can be completely honest. 467 00:19:51,912 --> 00:19:55,617 And finally to a quitter. 468 00:19:55,619 --> 00:19:58,156 And I will not miss him. 469 00:19:58,158 --> 00:20:02,698 And that is not because he is black.