1 00:00:39,717 --> 00:00:41,215 So, do you want to see it or not? 2 00:00:41,217 --> 00:00:42,182 I don't know. 3 00:00:42,184 --> 00:00:44,681 I don't like Friday night crowds. 4 00:00:44,683 --> 00:00:47,182 Oh, my God. You're, like, agoraphobic. 5 00:00:47,184 --> 00:00:48,015 Agoraphobic? 6 00:00:48,017 --> 00:00:50,048 - Really? - Yeah! 7 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,015 You would rather sit on your couch 8 00:00:52,017 --> 00:00:55,282 then go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. 9 00:00:55,284 --> 00:00:56,348 Absolutely correct. 10 00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:57,481 Later, Jim. 11 00:00:57,483 --> 00:00:59,648 - Kev, have a good weekend. - Bye. 12 00:00:59,650 --> 00:01:02,215 Okay, so this is what's gonna happen. 13 00:01:02,217 --> 00:01:04,948 - And we're gonna go to dinner... - Okay. 14 00:01:04,950 --> 00:01:06,015 And then we're gonna go to the movies. 15 00:01:06,017 --> 00:01:07,514 - Sounds good. - Hey, Halpert! 16 00:01:09,316 --> 00:01:10,481 Hey. 17 00:01:14,216 --> 00:01:15,282 Roy! Ahh! 18 00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:16,414 Roy, don't! 19 00:01:16,416 --> 00:01:19,048 God! 20 00:01:25,482 --> 00:01:28,514 Pam, please call security. 21 00:01:28,516 --> 00:01:30,514 Every day for eight years, 22 00:01:30,516 --> 00:01:32,314 I have brought pepper spray into this office 23 00:01:32,316 --> 00:01:35,215 to protect myself and my fellow employees. 24 00:01:35,217 --> 00:01:37,314 And every day for eight years, 25 00:01:37,316 --> 00:01:39,048 people have laughed at me. 26 00:01:39,050 --> 00:01:41,681 Well. Who's laughing now? 27 00:01:43,282 --> 00:01:49,349 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 28 00:02:15,816 --> 00:02:19,148 No need for consternation. Everything is under control. 29 00:02:19,150 --> 00:02:20,182 Michael, last Friday 30 00:02:20,184 --> 00:02:21,414 one of your employees 31 00:02:21,416 --> 00:02:23,314 attacked another employee in your office. 32 00:02:23,316 --> 00:02:25,247 It was a crime of passion, Jan, 33 00:02:25,249 --> 00:02:27,215 not a disgruntled employee. 34 00:02:27,217 --> 00:02:29,348 Everyone here is extremely gruntled. 35 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:32,048 Is Toby there? 36 00:02:32,050 --> 00:02:34,082 - No. - I'm here, Jan. 37 00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:36,381 Wh-what is the situation, Toby? 38 00:02:36,383 --> 00:02:39,015 Well, we fired Roy, obviously. 39 00:02:39,017 --> 00:02:41,881 And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. 40 00:02:41,883 --> 00:02:43,215 - Thank God. - Yeah. 41 00:02:43,217 --> 00:02:46,281 Um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with... 42 00:02:46,283 --> 00:02:49,048 No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months 43 00:02:49,050 --> 00:02:51,848 and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. 44 00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:53,214 All right, well, are you gonna take care of this? 45 00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:54,581 Yeppers. 46 00:02:54,583 --> 00:02:57,414 What did I tell you about "yeppers?" 47 00:02:58,649 --> 00:03:00,281 I don't remember. 48 00:03:00,283 --> 00:03:02,681 I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? 49 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,948 Ye... sh. 50 00:03:07,916 --> 00:03:10,614 I really don't want to talk about it. 51 00:03:10,616 --> 00:03:12,581 I don't mean to be rude, 52 00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:16,381 but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. 53 00:03:18,382 --> 00:03:20,815 It sucked. 54 00:03:23,949 --> 00:03:26,848 I guess... all things considered... 55 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:30,614 I was lucky Dwight was there. 56 00:03:30,616 --> 00:03:33,681 And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, 57 00:03:33,683 --> 00:03:36,548 and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. 58 00:03:40,483 --> 00:03:43,414 Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you. 59 00:03:45,182 --> 00:03:47,915 For stopping Roy. 60 00:03:48,650 --> 00:03:51,781 "Thank you" not necessary, and thus not accepted. 61 00:03:51,783 --> 00:03:55,314 I saw someone breaking the law, and I interceded. 62 00:03:55,316 --> 00:03:57,015 Okay. 63 00:03:57,017 --> 00:04:00,581 Um... got you something. 64 00:04:00,583 --> 00:04:02,414 Don't want it. 65 00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:06,048 Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. 66 00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:08,681 Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. 67 00:04:14,116 --> 00:04:18,715 It was a little glass display case for his bobble head. 68 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:20,948 That would have made his evening, I think. 69 00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:25,247 He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. 70 00:04:25,249 --> 00:04:26,781 Even Steven. 71 00:04:26,783 --> 00:04:28,715 No, don't call me a hero. 72 00:04:28,717 --> 00:04:30,848 Do you know who the real heroes are? 73 00:04:30,850 --> 00:04:33,281 The guys who wake up every morning 74 00:04:33,283 --> 00:04:35,147 and go into their normal jobs, 75 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,314 and get a distress call from the commissioner, 76 00:04:37,316 --> 00:04:39,247 and take off their glasses and change into capes, 77 00:04:39,249 --> 00:04:41,514 and fly around fighting crime. 78 00:04:41,516 --> 00:04:43,414 Those are the real heroes. 79 00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:44,581 Angela. 80 00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:47,514 Roy's check, he's coming in later to pick it up. 81 00:04:47,516 --> 00:04:48,548 Man... 82 00:04:48,550 --> 00:04:50,848 I cannot believe I missed the fight. 83 00:04:50,850 --> 00:04:52,214 It was crazy. 84 00:04:52,216 --> 00:04:56,214 You saw it? Describe it, please. 85 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,147 Well... 86 00:05:00,149 --> 00:05:02,082 I heard some shouting. 87 00:05:02,083 --> 00:05:04,114 And I look over, and Roy's by reception. 88 00:05:04,116 --> 00:05:06,314 And you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. 89 00:05:06,316 --> 00:05:08,114 Jim says something. 90 00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:09,414 Roy stomps all over there. 91 00:05:09,416 --> 00:05:10,514 All of a sudden... bam! 92 00:05:10,516 --> 00:05:12,181 Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there 93 00:05:12,183 --> 00:05:13,381 like an action hero. 94 00:05:13,383 --> 00:05:15,048 Oh! 95 00:05:15,050 --> 00:05:18,681 It was insane. 96 00:05:18,683 --> 00:05:22,247 Well... good for Dwight. 97 00:05:22,249 --> 00:05:23,948 Okay, I want you to be Darryl 98 00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:25,214 and ask me for a raise, 99 00:05:25,216 --> 00:05:26,381 because I need to try out 100 00:05:26,383 --> 00:05:28,214 some of these negotiation tactics on you. 101 00:05:28,216 --> 00:05:29,381 Where'd you get that? 102 00:05:29,383 --> 00:05:30,681 Wikipedia. 103 00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:34,314 Wikipedia is the best thing ever. 104 00:05:34,316 --> 00:05:36,048 Anyone in the world 105 00:05:36,049 --> 00:05:38,781 can write anything they want about any subject. 106 00:05:38,783 --> 00:05:41,181 So you know you are getting 107 00:05:41,183 --> 00:05:43,548 the best possible information. 108 00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:46,314 Okay, Darryl, ask me for a raise. 109 00:05:46,316 --> 00:05:48,147 Hey, Mike, since Roy left 110 00:05:48,149 --> 00:05:49,114 I've been doing a lot more work, 111 00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:52,381 Hmm, well, that's interesting, Darryl. 112 00:05:52,383 --> 00:05:54,247 I think... 113 00:05:54,249 --> 00:05:56,348 that maybe you should... 114 00:06:03,282 --> 00:06:04,548 I can't hear you. 115 00:06:04,550 --> 00:06:06,481 What I'm saying is that... 116 00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:12,181 Still nothing. 117 00:06:12,183 --> 00:06:15,114 - Okay, see what I did? - No. 118 00:06:15,116 --> 00:06:18,514 By leaning back and by whispering, 119 00:06:18,516 --> 00:06:21,514 I established a dominant physical position. 120 00:06:21,516 --> 00:06:23,047 Nice. 121 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,448 - Okay, let's try another one. - Okay. 122 00:06:26,615 --> 00:06:28,481 Walking out of the room unexpectently. 123 00:06:28,483 --> 00:06:30,214 And what happens in this one? 124 00:06:30,216 --> 00:06:32,448 That's a surprise. 125 00:06:32,450 --> 00:06:35,281 - Go ahead, ask me for a raise. - Can I have a raise? 126 00:06:39,082 --> 00:06:43,781 Sex, Steve Martin, Teri Hatcher. What? 127 00:06:43,783 --> 00:06:45,381 What did you say? 128 00:06:45,383 --> 00:06:48,247 I didn't say anything, I'm waiting to see what happened. 129 00:06:49,649 --> 00:06:53,548 This is interesting, what your given. 130 00:06:53,550 --> 00:06:55,581 I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim, 131 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,214 at a high rate of speed. 132 00:06:57,216 --> 00:06:59,681 His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked, 133 00:06:59,683 --> 00:07:01,548 indicating an attack position. 134 00:07:01,550 --> 00:07:03,881 Perp grabbed the victim, 135 00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:05,414 I removed my weapon 136 00:07:05,416 --> 00:07:07,348 from its secure hiding place. 137 00:07:07,350 --> 00:07:09,581 - Which is where? - Irrelevant. 138 00:07:09,583 --> 00:07:11,081 Discharged it at a distance 139 00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:12,414 of a little over a meter, 140 00:07:12,416 --> 00:07:17,147 Into the perpetrators eyes, nose and face area. 141 00:07:17,149 --> 00:07:21,681 Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. 142 00:07:21,683 --> 00:07:24,147 Then I contacted the authorities. 143 00:07:25,449 --> 00:07:27,314 The end. 144 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,047 Thanks, Dwight. 145 00:07:29,948 --> 00:07:32,481 That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. 146 00:07:32,483 --> 00:07:34,448 I can't imagine what I would've done. 147 00:07:34,450 --> 00:07:35,715 I do. 148 00:07:35,717 --> 00:07:37,715 You would've left me to fend for myself. 149 00:07:37,717 --> 00:07:39,514 Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel 150 00:07:39,516 --> 00:07:40,614 and that kid dropped a milkshake on me 151 00:07:40,616 --> 00:07:41,915 and you just laughed. 152 00:07:41,917 --> 00:07:43,114 Well, that was funny. That's why. 153 00:07:43,116 --> 00:07:44,614 - Oh, it was? - Mm-hmm. 154 00:07:44,616 --> 00:07:47,114 that you think a murderer is in your apartment 155 00:07:47,116 --> 00:07:48,514 in the middle of the night 156 00:07:48,516 --> 00:07:49,715 and you call me to calm you down... 157 00:07:49,717 --> 00:07:51,414 Can you stop? 158 00:07:51,416 --> 00:07:53,448 Because I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan, I'm not. 159 00:07:53,450 --> 00:07:55,514 There's a bunch of people back there maybe. 160 00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:56,815 I call you in the middle of the night 161 00:07:56,817 --> 00:07:58,815 - to tell you that I love you. - Guys? 162 00:07:58,817 --> 00:08:01,947 I don't think Michael intended to punish me 163 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,448 by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. 164 00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:10,381 But if he did intend that... wow. 165 00:08:10,383 --> 00:08:11,481 Genius. 166 00:08:11,483 --> 00:08:13,081 Yeah. 167 00:08:13,083 --> 00:08:14,348 You ready for me? 168 00:08:14,350 --> 00:08:17,081 Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. 169 00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:19,581 You know what? 170 00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:21,247 Actually, let's go into the conference room. 171 00:08:21,249 --> 00:08:24,314 - Okay. - No, you know what? Let's stay here. 172 00:08:25,415 --> 00:08:26,947 No, let's go to the con... 173 00:08:26,949 --> 00:08:29,114 Yeah, let's go to the conference room. 174 00:08:32,415 --> 00:08:34,114 Tactic number six. 175 00:08:34,116 --> 00:08:36,181 Change the location of the meeting 176 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,281 at the last second. 177 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,648 Totally throws 'em off. 178 00:08:48,416 --> 00:08:53,548 Number 14. Declining to speak first. 179 00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:56,481 Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. 180 00:09:15,182 --> 00:09:17,914 I am declining to speak first. 181 00:09:17,916 --> 00:09:19,481 Okay, I'll start. 182 00:09:19,483 --> 00:09:20,715 It's pretty simple really. 183 00:09:20,717 --> 00:09:23,781 I, um, I think I deserve a raise. 184 00:09:23,783 --> 00:09:26,014 I'm scheduled to get one in six months, 185 00:09:26,016 --> 00:09:28,514 but I'd like that to be moved up to now. 186 00:09:28,516 --> 00:09:31,947 Hmm. 187 00:09:31,949 --> 00:09:34,481 Ohh, Darryl. 188 00:09:34,483 --> 00:09:38,481 You are a good worker and a good man. 189 00:09:38,483 --> 00:09:42,514 I just... you know, times are tight. 190 00:09:44,215 --> 00:09:46,081 And I just don't think 191 00:09:46,083 --> 00:09:48,147 corporate's going to go for this right now. 192 00:09:48,149 --> 00:09:51,014 Are you wearing lady clothes? 193 00:09:51,016 --> 00:09:52,748 What? 194 00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,114 Are you wearing lady clothes? 195 00:09:54,116 --> 00:09:55,748 Those look like lady pants. 196 00:09:57,115 --> 00:09:59,047 No, this is a power suit. 197 00:09:59,049 --> 00:10:01,081 That there's a woman's suit. 198 00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:04,448 I do not buy women's clothes. 199 00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:06,681 Would not make that mistake again. 200 00:10:06,683 --> 00:10:08,847 - I'm gonna call Roy, man. - Okay. 201 00:10:08,849 --> 00:10:10,147 - This is gonna make him feel better. - All right. 202 00:10:10,149 --> 00:10:11,481 This is too good! 203 00:10:11,483 --> 00:10:13,614 All right, you know what? 204 00:10:13,616 --> 00:10:15,414 Pam, would you please tell Darryl 205 00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:17,780 that this is not a woman's suit. 206 00:10:17,782 --> 00:10:19,481 Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit. 207 00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:20,748 You're wearing a woman's suit? 208 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:23,980 No, I do... I wear men's suits. 209 00:10:23,982 --> 00:10:25,715 Okay, I got this out of a bin. 210 00:10:25,717 --> 00:10:27,414 There were these huge bins of clothes, 211 00:10:27,416 --> 00:10:29,681 and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, 212 00:10:29,683 --> 00:10:32,614 and I grabbed one. 213 00:10:32,616 --> 00:10:34,214 And it fit. 214 00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,147 So I don't think 215 00:10:36,149 --> 00:10:39,147 that is totally just a woman's suit. 216 00:10:39,149 --> 00:10:41,681 At the very least it's bisexual. 217 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,081 Who makes it? 218 00:10:44,282 --> 00:10:47,047 Um, MISSterious. 219 00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:49,081 And it is mysterious, 220 00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:50,214 because the buttons are on the wrong side. 221 00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:51,614 That's the mystery. 222 00:10:51,616 --> 00:10:52,814 It's got shoulder pads. 223 00:10:52,816 --> 00:10:54,381 And did you see that lining? 224 00:10:54,383 --> 00:10:56,747 Okay, would you stop it, please? 225 00:10:56,749 --> 00:10:58,514 So, none of that tipped you off? 226 00:10:58,516 --> 00:11:00,880 It's a European, okay? It's a European cut. 227 00:11:00,882 --> 00:11:03,147 Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. 228 00:11:03,149 --> 00:11:04,780 No, they don't. See? 229 00:11:05,815 --> 00:11:07,847 Italians don't wear pockets. 230 00:11:07,849 --> 00:11:10,448 It's been a really rough couple of days. 231 00:11:12,349 --> 00:11:14,314 This helps a little. 232 00:11:14,316 --> 00:11:16,714 Maybe you want to come over and raid my closet. 233 00:11:16,716 --> 00:11:19,847 No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. 234 00:11:19,849 --> 00:11:21,980 Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. 235 00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,648 Let's just do this in 15. 236 00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:25,548 Okay. Can you stand right there for one second. 237 00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:27,247 I gotta send some emails. 238 00:11:27,249 --> 00:11:30,281 Negotiations are all about controlling things. 239 00:11:30,283 --> 00:11:33,614 About being in the driver's seat. 240 00:11:33,616 --> 00:11:37,448 And... you make one tiny mistake, you're dead. 241 00:11:37,450 --> 00:11:39,581 I made one tiny mistake. 242 00:11:39,583 --> 00:11:41,614 I wore women's clothes. 243 00:11:43,649 --> 00:11:46,281 So Karen, how do you feel 244 00:11:46,283 --> 00:11:48,548 that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass 245 00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:50,448 over another woman? 246 00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:54,047 I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. 247 00:11:54,049 --> 00:11:56,481 You must have been scared out of your mind. 248 00:11:56,483 --> 00:12:00,947 It happened so fast, I didn't have time to be scared. 249 00:12:00,949 --> 00:12:02,980 What happened exactly? 250 00:12:02,982 --> 00:12:04,281 I wasn't here, 251 00:12:04,283 --> 00:12:07,014 so I haven't really heard the whole story. 252 00:12:07,016 --> 00:12:09,281 Um, well, Jim and I were talking. 253 00:12:09,283 --> 00:12:10,814 Mm-hmm. 254 00:12:10,816 --> 00:12:13,081 And Roy walked in looking super angry. 255 00:12:13,083 --> 00:12:15,814 And he's a big dude, you know? 256 00:12:15,816 --> 00:12:16,780 And all of a sudden, 257 00:12:16,782 --> 00:12:18,348 Jim pushed me out of the way. 258 00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:20,780 And Roy cocked his fist. 259 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:24,814 Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. 260 00:12:24,816 --> 00:12:29,814 Goodness. 261 00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:32,114 When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed. 262 00:12:32,116 --> 00:12:34,147 My reaction was to have lots of long talks 263 00:12:34,149 --> 00:12:36,614 with Jim about our feelings. 264 00:12:36,616 --> 00:12:38,614 Roy just attacked him. 265 00:12:38,616 --> 00:12:41,680 I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. 266 00:12:41,682 --> 00:12:42,980 Let's get down to business. 267 00:12:42,982 --> 00:12:44,581 Why don't you tell me 268 00:12:44,583 --> 00:12:46,414 why you think you deserve a raise. 269 00:12:46,416 --> 00:12:49,880 Well, it's simple Mike. We merged these two branches, right? 270 00:12:49,882 --> 00:12:52,980 So now, we're shipping twice as many orders as we used too. 271 00:12:52,982 --> 00:12:55,314 With Roy gone, we have a smaller crew, 272 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,247 and I'm picking up all his slack. 273 00:12:57,249 --> 00:13:00,481 So, I think I should be compensated, fairly, by getting a raise. 274 00:13:00,483 --> 00:13:03,147 Those are very good points. 275 00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:05,247 What? I can't hear you. 276 00:13:05,249 --> 00:13:07,214 Those are very good points. 277 00:13:07,216 --> 00:13:09,481 I can't. What? Mike, are you... 278 00:13:11,549 --> 00:13:14,814 You make very compelling arguments. 279 00:13:20,881 --> 00:13:22,914 Sorry I almost got you killed. 280 00:13:22,916 --> 00:13:24,714 Yeah. 281 00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:26,281 That was nuts. 282 00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,947 He could have broken your nose or something. 283 00:13:28,949 --> 00:13:31,014 Crazy. 284 00:13:33,781 --> 00:13:35,747 It's just so stupid. 285 00:13:35,749 --> 00:13:38,714 I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. 286 00:13:38,716 --> 00:13:41,580 I mean, what was I thinking, right? 287 00:13:42,881 --> 00:13:46,214 No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. 288 00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:47,847 Not anymore. 289 00:13:47,849 --> 00:13:52,348 It's, um... it's completely over now. 290 00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:54,314 We'll see. 291 00:13:54,316 --> 00:13:55,714 I'm sure you guys'll... 292 00:13:55,716 --> 00:13:58,281 find your way back to one another someday. 293 00:13:58,283 --> 00:13:59,814 Jim... 294 00:14:01,781 --> 00:14:03,647 I am really... sorry. 295 00:14:03,649 --> 00:14:06,047 Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. 296 00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,647 I'm going to give you a piece of paper. 297 00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:14,348 I want you to write down how much you want, 298 00:14:14,350 --> 00:14:18,247 then I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. 299 00:14:18,249 --> 00:14:20,514 Why can't I just tell you? 300 00:14:20,516 --> 00:14:24,114 Because, that is the way these things are done. 301 00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:25,947 In films. 302 00:14:30,182 --> 00:14:31,481 No, slide... slide it, yes. 303 00:14:31,483 --> 00:14:33,613 There you go. 304 00:14:35,415 --> 00:14:37,381 Oh... 305 00:14:37,383 --> 00:14:39,081 Come on... be serious. 306 00:14:39,083 --> 00:14:40,780 I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. 307 00:14:40,782 --> 00:14:41,814 That's what I want. 308 00:14:41,816 --> 00:14:43,147 I can't give you that. 309 00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:45,081 I-I don't make this much. 310 00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:46,481 Come on, be for real, Mike. 311 00:14:46,483 --> 00:14:47,513 I don't. 312 00:14:47,515 --> 00:14:49,547 I'll prove it to you. 313 00:14:49,549 --> 00:14:52,980 There is a pay stub. 314 00:14:57,316 --> 00:14:59,281 Are you serious? You're earning this? 315 00:14:59,283 --> 00:15:00,747 Plus perks, yes. 316 00:15:00,749 --> 00:15:02,780 Mike, this is barely more than I make. 317 00:15:02,782 --> 00:15:04,348 You've been here ten years, dog. 318 00:15:06,116 --> 00:15:07,114 14 years. 319 00:15:07,116 --> 00:15:08,214 Hoho! 320 00:15:08,216 --> 00:15:09,747 No, please... please don't... 321 00:15:09,749 --> 00:15:12,647 Some of my folks got to hear about this one. 322 00:15:12,649 --> 00:15:14,214 Ah. 323 00:15:14,216 --> 00:15:15,714 Okay, let's take 15 again. 324 00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,414 A boss's salary isn't just about money. 325 00:15:19,416 --> 00:15:20,747 It is about perks. 326 00:15:20,749 --> 00:15:23,147 It... for example, 327 00:15:23,149 --> 00:15:26,081 every year, I get a $100 gas card. 328 00:15:26,083 --> 00:15:28,281 Can't put a price tag on that. 329 00:15:30,382 --> 00:15:33,147 Okay, if you don't want a gift at least let me buy you a beer, 330 00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,814 or lunch or something. 331 00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:36,480 When Han Solo returns to the Death Star 332 00:15:36,482 --> 00:15:38,081 in the Millennium Falcon, 333 00:15:38,083 --> 00:15:41,014 and shoots down the Tie Fighter and saves the rebel cause... 334 00:15:41,016 --> 00:15:44,047 Do you think he does so for a free beer? 335 00:15:44,049 --> 00:15:45,447 - Boy, I... - No! 336 00:15:45,449 --> 00:15:47,447 And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim 337 00:15:47,449 --> 00:15:49,181 What's your angle? 338 00:15:50,715 --> 00:15:53,580 It's like when he annoys me and I want ot screw with him to get him back. 339 00:15:53,582 --> 00:15:55,281 He never sees it coming. 340 00:15:55,283 --> 00:15:58,014 But now I want to be nice to him and actually give him something. 341 00:15:58,016 --> 00:16:00,914 He's like an eel, I just can't grab onto him. 342 00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:02,880 It's infuriating. 343 00:16:02,882 --> 00:16:05,747 Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. 344 00:16:07,981 --> 00:16:10,314 Yes, that's probably what it is. 345 00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:12,281 So, what do I do? 346 00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:13,314 Hmm. 347 00:16:13,316 --> 00:16:14,847 I don't know. Maybe you should 348 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:17,613 go back out there and sell paper, so we can go on a trip. 349 00:16:19,748 --> 00:16:20,714 Michael. 350 00:16:20,716 --> 00:16:21,780 Hmm? 351 00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:23,147 Here's the, uh, $15 I owe you. 352 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,647 - Oh, thank you. - Yeah. 353 00:16:24,649 --> 00:16:26,014 I heard you might need it. 354 00:16:26,016 --> 00:16:29,947 So... just take it. 355 00:16:29,949 --> 00:16:31,547 Here's the $40 you gave me. 356 00:16:31,549 --> 00:16:33,580 I didn't give you $40. 357 00:16:33,582 --> 00:16:35,680 In a way you did. 358 00:16:37,481 --> 00:16:40,814 Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. 359 00:16:40,816 --> 00:16:43,947 I still think he's way overpaid. 360 00:16:43,949 --> 00:16:46,714 14 years. 14. 361 00:16:48,082 --> 00:16:49,214 I know. 362 00:16:49,948 --> 00:16:53,014 Okay, I gotta go. Late. 363 00:16:54,015 --> 00:16:55,147 Okay. 364 00:16:55,149 --> 00:16:57,281 Okay, here's the straight dope. 365 00:16:57,283 --> 00:16:59,247 No tricks, no Wikipedia. 366 00:16:59,249 --> 00:17:00,181 What? 367 00:17:00,183 --> 00:17:01,413 I talked to corporate, 368 00:17:01,415 --> 00:17:03,147 and they told me 369 00:17:03,149 --> 00:17:06,247 that I can only give you a 5% raise. 370 00:17:06,249 --> 00:17:07,413 That's 'cause of you, Mike. 371 00:17:07,415 --> 00:17:08,613 They're not gonna give the working man 372 00:17:08,615 --> 00:17:10,014 more than the boss. 373 00:17:10,016 --> 00:17:11,114 Well, what am I supposed to do? 374 00:17:11,116 --> 00:17:12,847 Get your own raise. 375 00:17:12,849 --> 00:17:15,281 You gotta get out there and earn, son. 376 00:17:15,283 --> 00:17:17,014 I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. 377 00:17:17,016 --> 00:17:18,480 That is ridiculous. 378 00:17:18,482 --> 00:17:20,480 Well when they merged the two branches together, 379 00:17:20,482 --> 00:17:22,547 they put you in charge. 380 00:17:22,549 --> 00:17:25,114 Okay, and we shippin' more now than we ever have. 381 00:17:25,116 --> 00:17:26,647 That's true. 382 00:17:26,649 --> 00:17:29,714 You gotta call your girl... and get paid. 383 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:32,114 Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. 384 00:17:33,215 --> 00:17:34,914 You know what? I should. 385 00:17:34,916 --> 00:17:36,147 Yeah you should. 386 00:17:36,149 --> 00:17:39,413 I have been an loyal employee for a long time. 387 00:17:39,415 --> 00:17:41,147 14 years long. 388 00:17:41,149 --> 00:17:42,747 You know what? I deserve a bump. 389 00:17:42,749 --> 00:17:44,181 Make it happen, Captain. 390 00:17:47,015 --> 00:17:49,780 I am makin' it happen... Sergeant. 391 00:17:49,782 --> 00:17:53,780 I remember it was very late at night, about 11:00 or 11:30 392 00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:56,680 Big fellow came in screaming about God knows what, 393 00:17:56,682 --> 00:18:00,281 I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. 394 00:18:00,283 --> 00:18:03,847 The big fellow pulls out a sock full of nickels. 395 00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:07,181 Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter. 396 00:18:07,183 --> 00:18:09,147 You're useless. 397 00:18:11,648 --> 00:18:15,014 We'll talk next month after the quarter ends. 398 00:18:16,514 --> 00:18:18,680 No, Jan. 399 00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:21,780 I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. 400 00:18:21,782 --> 00:18:23,747 This is long overdue. 401 00:18:23,749 --> 00:18:25,247 I wanna do it today. 402 00:18:25,249 --> 00:18:26,380 Today? All right. 403 00:18:26,382 --> 00:18:28,780 Well, if you want to do it today... 404 00:18:28,782 --> 00:18:32,580 We should do it in person and can you get here by Five? 405 00:18:32,582 --> 00:18:37,280 Yeah! Yeah, I'll leave right away. 406 00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:40,047 Well, uh, listen, because of our, uh, situation, 407 00:18:40,049 --> 00:18:42,413 we're gonna need to have a third party present. 408 00:18:42,415 --> 00:18:44,513 Yes, I'm bringing Darryl. 409 00:18:44,515 --> 00:18:46,181 D-Darryl from the warehouse? 410 00:18:46,183 --> 00:18:48,480 Mm-hmm. No, Michael. 411 00:18:48,482 --> 00:18:50,680 We... we need an H.R. rep. 412 00:18:50,682 --> 00:18:53,447 So uh, you should just bring Toby. 413 00:18:53,449 --> 00:18:55,480 Hey... I'd rather kill myself. 414 00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:57,413 Michael, he's your branch's H.R. rep. 415 00:18:57,415 --> 00:18:59,513 - Toby is terrible. - And we need someone else in the room 416 00:18:59,515 --> 00:19:01,947 - Toby is the worst human being - because of our relationship. 417 00:19:01,949 --> 00:19:03,780 - I've ever known... You know this. - Michael! 418 00:19:03,782 --> 00:19:06,014 Either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. 419 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:11,114 Fine. 420 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,547 - You are so mean. - I don't know what you're talking about. 421 00:19:13,549 --> 00:19:16,513 Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You call me "stupid." 422 00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:18,313 Toby, come on, let's go. 423 00:19:18,315 --> 00:19:19,680 Where? Where? 424 00:19:19,682 --> 00:19:21,214 I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. 425 00:19:21,216 --> 00:19:23,980 Come on, let's go. 426 00:19:23,982 --> 00:19:26,147 All right. 427 00:19:35,881 --> 00:19:38,613 - Comfortable, Mike? - Yeah. 428 00:19:38,615 --> 00:19:41,313 - What about you? You comfortable? - No. 429 00:19:44,981 --> 00:19:49,047 Don't ever touch a black man's radio! 430 00:19:49,049 --> 00:19:51,181 Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. 431 00:19:51,183 --> 00:19:52,847 You know? 432 00:19:54,815 --> 00:19:57,081 I won't touch yours, by the way. 433 00:19:57,083 --> 00:19:59,313 Thank you. Well... 434 00:19:59,315 --> 00:20:01,714 I haven't been to New York in a long time. 435 00:20:03,448 --> 00:20:05,747 Maybe I'll stay overnight. 436 00:20:05,749 --> 00:20:07,780 Got a cousin live down there. 437 00:20:07,782 --> 00:20:09,747 How would we get home? 438 00:20:09,749 --> 00:20:12,647 Oh, you could stay too. He's got a big place. 439 00:20:12,649 --> 00:20:15,613 - Maybe I'll stay. - It's not that big. 440 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:18,680 The busses will get ya home quick. 441 00:20:19,948 --> 00:20:21,680 And then all of a sudden, Dwight stood up 442 00:20:21,682 --> 00:20:23,213 and was like, "No!" 443 00:20:23,215 --> 00:20:24,947 Then what'd he do? 444 00:20:24,949 --> 00:20:26,347 Well, you should just read the report that Toby did. 445 00:20:26,349 --> 00:20:27,613 He took everyone's stories. 446 00:20:29,781 --> 00:20:31,847 Customer Service, this is Kelly. 447 00:20:33,247 --> 00:20:36,213 Yes, I can help you with that. 448 00:20:36,215 --> 00:20:38,146 Let me pull up your file. 449 00:20:39,381 --> 00:20:43,780 Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. 450 00:20:43,782 --> 00:20:45,547 Oh, 12 reams. 451 00:20:57,115 --> 00:20:58,047 Hey, guys. 452 00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:01,847 Jan is ready for you. 453 00:21:01,849 --> 00:21:03,047 Okay. 454 00:21:03,049 --> 00:21:06,580 And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you. 455 00:21:06,582 --> 00:21:08,114 Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. 456 00:21:08,116 --> 00:21:10,580 Yes, sir! Remember that. 457 00:21:10,582 --> 00:21:12,113 I'll be right outside if you need me. 458 00:21:12,115 --> 00:21:13,780 All right. 459 00:21:16,815 --> 00:21:19,580 I want him to get the raise. 460 00:21:19,582 --> 00:21:20,980 I... just can't help myself. 461 00:21:38,848 --> 00:21:41,347 Hey, man, uh... 462 00:21:41,349 --> 00:21:42,947 I'm sorry. 463 00:21:56,514 --> 00:21:58,480 Thanks. 464 00:22:08,848 --> 00:22:10,780 Can I, like... 465 00:22:10,782 --> 00:22:12,947 see you after work for coffee or something? 466 00:22:12,949 --> 00:22:15,380 I don't know. 467 00:22:15,382 --> 00:22:17,980 Please. 468 00:22:17,982 --> 00:22:20,480 I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. 469 00:22:28,348 --> 00:22:30,014 Jim! 470 00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:31,914 Roy. Look out! 471 00:22:31,916 --> 00:22:34,613 Thanks, Kev. I'm... good, though. 472 00:22:35,715 --> 00:22:37,714 Thank you, Hunter. 473 00:22:38,715 --> 00:22:40,780 Hello, come in. 474 00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:48,513 Who's the boy toy? 475 00:22:48,515 --> 00:22:49,980 My new assistant. 476 00:22:49,982 --> 00:22:53,547 Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek 477 00:22:53,549 --> 00:22:56,380 I have to call you when I get a new assistant now? 478 00:22:56,382 --> 00:23:00,246 It would be nice to get a memo, We are lovers. 479 00:23:00,248 --> 00:23:02,313 Hi, Jan. 480 00:23:04,014 --> 00:23:06,146 Hi, Toby. 481 00:23:10,081 --> 00:23:13,280 First off, Michael, this a salary negotiation. 482 00:23:13,282 --> 00:23:15,113 All matters regarding our personal relationship 483 00:23:15,115 --> 00:23:16,613 have to be set aside. 484 00:23:16,615 --> 00:23:17,814 Are we clear? 485 00:23:17,816 --> 00:23:19,280 Bippity boppity. 486 00:23:20,147 --> 00:23:22,780 Right now, we can offer you a 6% raise. 487 00:23:22,782 --> 00:23:24,580 6%? Mm-hmm. 488 00:23:24,582 --> 00:23:25,647 After all we've been through? 489 00:23:25,649 --> 00:23:28,513 Oh, God. I got you jade earrings. 490 00:23:28,515 --> 00:23:30,647 - Michael... - No. No. 491 00:23:30,649 --> 00:23:32,814 No. You're gonna play it like this? 492 00:23:32,816 --> 00:23:35,113 You give me a good raise, 493 00:23:35,115 --> 00:23:37,280 or no more sex. 494 00:23:39,781 --> 00:23:41,513 What are you writing, perv-ball? 495 00:23:41,515 --> 00:23:44,113 Just preparing for the deposition. 496 00:23:44,115 --> 00:23:46,246 This may be the first time that a male subordinate 497 00:23:46,248 --> 00:23:49,280 has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise 498 00:23:49,282 --> 00:23:52,447 by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. 499 00:23:52,449 --> 00:23:55,213 It will be a groundbreaking case... 500 00:23:55,215 --> 00:23:57,447 when it inevitably goes to trial. 501 00:23:58,348 --> 00:24:01,347 I'm so sorry, Pammy. 502 00:24:01,349 --> 00:24:03,213 I really wasn't gonna do anything. 503 00:24:03,215 --> 00:24:07,380 But then I... kept thinking about you two together, and... 504 00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:11,213 I just thought you guys were really good friends or... 505 00:24:11,215 --> 00:24:15,347 or maybe he was gay or something. 506 00:24:15,349 --> 00:24:17,413 Not that that's wrong. 507 00:24:20,181 --> 00:24:22,380 I'm sorry too. 508 00:24:23,382 --> 00:24:28,113 I just... I think that we both made some bad choices. 509 00:24:36,147 --> 00:24:39,246 So you gonna start datin' Halpert, then? 510 00:24:39,248 --> 00:24:42,246 Um... no. 511 00:24:42,248 --> 00:24:44,113 No, he has a girlfriend. 512 00:24:44,115 --> 00:24:46,146 Oh, yeah. 513 00:24:48,247 --> 00:24:51,380 Wait a minute, you broke off our wedding for the guy. 514 00:24:51,382 --> 00:24:53,913 No. 515 00:24:53,915 --> 00:24:57,080 There were a lot of reasons. 516 00:24:57,082 --> 00:25:00,280 You mean you're not even gonna try to go out with him? 517 00:25:04,947 --> 00:25:07,413 I don't get you, Pam. 518 00:25:07,415 --> 00:25:09,380 I know. 519 00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:18,113 What's this? 520 00:25:18,115 --> 00:25:19,380 What's what? 521 00:25:19,382 --> 00:25:20,946 "Certificate of Bravery 522 00:25:20,948 --> 00:25:22,313 "from the Scranton Police Department. 523 00:25:22,315 --> 00:25:25,180 "Recognizing outstanding citizenship 524 00:25:25,182 --> 00:25:28,080 from a very brave young man, Dwight K. Schrute"? 525 00:25:28,082 --> 00:25:30,313 Wow, I guess word got around. 526 00:25:30,315 --> 00:25:31,847 That's a nice honor. 527 00:25:31,849 --> 00:25:34,113 Please, they hand these out to little kids. 528 00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:37,547 Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap. 529 00:25:37,549 --> 00:25:39,380 Mm... didn't think you'd notice. 530 00:25:41,716 --> 00:25:46,814 Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. 531 00:25:46,816 --> 00:25:49,213 This is me, Jan. This is me! 532 00:25:49,215 --> 00:25:52,413 Michael, why don't we just take a break? 533 00:25:52,415 --> 00:25:53,946 Okay. 534 00:25:53,948 --> 00:25:55,913 No, no, no, no. 535 00:25:55,915 --> 00:25:58,380 You do not try tactic number 8 on me. 536 00:25:58,382 --> 00:26:00,180 I invented tactic number 8. 537 00:26:01,047 --> 00:26:03,413 - Okay, Toby how about if you... - Sure. 538 00:26:11,114 --> 00:26:13,046 What's wrong with you? 539 00:26:13,048 --> 00:26:17,513 Ohh. It was a weird day. 540 00:26:17,515 --> 00:26:19,413 I accidentally cross-dressed. 541 00:26:20,381 --> 00:26:22,146 And then Darryl made me feel bad 542 00:26:22,148 --> 00:26:24,513 for not making any money. 543 00:26:24,515 --> 00:26:26,313 And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. 544 00:26:26,315 --> 00:26:27,714 And then... 545 00:26:27,716 --> 00:26:28,913 your assistant, 546 00:26:28,915 --> 00:26:31,447 is all young and hot... 547 00:26:31,449 --> 00:26:32,846 Okay, Michael... 548 00:26:32,848 --> 00:26:36,280 I can offer you a 12% raise. 549 00:26:36,282 --> 00:26:37,281 But... 550 00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:40,846 you have got to ask for 15. 551 00:26:42,081 --> 00:26:43,413 That's ridiculous. I'm never gonna make... 552 00:26:43,415 --> 00:26:44,747 No, just... 553 00:26:44,749 --> 00:26:47,613 I just need you to ask for it... 554 00:26:47,615 --> 00:26:50,313 so I can record that you asked for it. 555 00:26:50,315 --> 00:26:51,879 'Kay? 556 00:26:52,648 --> 00:26:54,813 Ah, so... 557 00:27:00,548 --> 00:27:02,447 All right, Levinson. 558 00:27:03,748 --> 00:27:05,946 Here's the rub. 559 00:27:05,948 --> 00:27:08,680 I would like a 15% raise. 560 00:27:08,682 --> 00:27:10,647 No! But we can offer you 12. 561 00:27:10,649 --> 00:27:12,213 But you just said 15. 562 00:27:13,682 --> 00:27:16,913 Negotiation is an art. 563 00:27:16,915 --> 00:27:19,580 Back and forth, give and take. 564 00:27:19,582 --> 00:27:23,680 And today, both Darryl and I took something. 565 00:27:23,682 --> 00:27:27,380 Higher salaries. Win, win, win. 566 00:27:27,382 --> 00:27:30,547 But, you know, life is about more 567 00:27:30,549 --> 00:27:32,714 than just salary. 568 00:27:32,716 --> 00:27:35,913 It's about... perks. 569 00:27:36,514 --> 00:27:38,113 Like having sex with Jan. 570 00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:39,714 Michael! 571 00:27:57,414 --> 00:27:59,313 I've been doing some very interesting reading. 572 00:27:59,315 --> 00:28:01,046 Really? Mm-hmm. 573 00:28:01,048 --> 00:28:02,713 Tales of bravery. 574 00:28:02,715 --> 00:28:04,013 Hmm. Good stuff? 575 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:06,113 Mm-hmm. 576 00:28:06,115 --> 00:28:08,046 I was thinking tonight, we could... 577 00:28:08,048 --> 00:28:10,347 read it together. 578 00:28:10,349 --> 00:28:12,313 That sounds... 579 00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:14,613 fun. 580 00:28:29,182 --> 00:28:32,979 I... 581 00:28:32,981 --> 00:28:36,046 will never say a word. 582 00:28:36,048 --> 00:28:39,113 And now... we are even. 583 00:28:43,114 --> 00:28:45,113 I graduated from anger management the same way 584 00:28:45,115 --> 00:28:47,779 I graduated from Cornell... on time. 585 00:28:47,781 --> 00:28:49,913 Now I'm back, got a second chance, 586 00:28:49,915 --> 00:28:51,679 and I'm not gonna blow it. 587 00:28:51,681 --> 00:28:53,713 So look out, Dunder-Mifflin! 588 00:28:55,681 --> 00:28:57,779 I mean "look out" in a fun way. 589 00:28:57,781 --> 00:29:00,113 You know, not like, "I'm gonna hurt you." 590 00:29:00,115 --> 00:29:02,347 Hey, guys! 591 00:29:02,349 --> 00:29:03,813 Guess who's back? 592 00:29:03,815 --> 00:29:05,380 Aah! Aah! 593 00:29:07,415 --> 00:29:09,046 Ohh, God! 594 00:29:09,048 --> 00:29:10,580 No need to thank me. 595 00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:12,746 I am not a hero. 596 00:29:12,748 --> 00:29:15,480 I am a mere defender of the office. 597 00:29:15,482 --> 00:29:17,080 You know who's a real hero? 598 00:29:17,082 --> 00:29:19,046 Hiro from "Heroes." 599 00:29:19,048 --> 00:29:21,946 That's a hero. 600 00:29:21,948 --> 00:29:23,413 Also Bono. 601 00:29:23,924 --> 00:29:33,914 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.