1 00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:13,796 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:28,723 Last week, I gave a fire safety talk, 3 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,432 And nobody paid any attention. 4 00:00:33,106 --> 00:00:35,406 It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. 5 00:00:35,611 --> 00:00:36,978 PowerPoint is boring. 6 00:00:37,615 --> 00:00:39,882 People learn in lots of different ways, 7 00:00:39,953 --> 00:00:42,857 but experience is the best teacher. 8 00:00:48,470 --> 00:00:51,237 Today, smoking is going to save lives. 9 00:01:10,514 --> 00:01:12,985 Does anyone smell anything smoky? 10 00:01:13,053 --> 00:01:15,580 Did you bring your jerky in again? 11 00:01:20,434 --> 00:01:22,461 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 12 00:01:23,306 --> 00:01:24,307 Fire! 13 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,869 Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness. What's the procedure? 14 00:01:26,947 --> 00:01:28,712 What do we do, people? The phones are dead. 15 00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:30,013 Oh. How did that happen? 16 00:01:30,087 --> 00:01:31,112 It's out in the hall. 17 00:01:31,189 --> 00:01:32,190 No. We don't know that. 18 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:33,669 The smoke could be coming through an air duct. 19 00:01:33,693 --> 00:01:35,253 Oh, my God! Okay, it's happening. 20 00:01:35,330 --> 00:01:36,575 Everybody stay calm. Everybody stay calm! 21 00:01:36,599 --> 00:01:37,932 What's the procedure, everyone? 22 00:01:38,003 --> 00:01:39,699 What's the procedure? Stay... calm! 23 00:01:39,773 --> 00:01:42,073 Everybody just... calm down! 24 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:44,376 No, no, Michael, no! Touch the handle. 25 00:01:44,448 --> 00:01:47,420 If it's hot there could be a fire in the hallway! 26 00:01:48,590 --> 00:01:50,536 What does warm mean? Oh, my gosh. Try a different door. 27 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,553 Not a viable option. What next? 28 00:01:52,631 --> 00:01:53,877 - Don't run! - Try the other door. 29 00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:56,873 Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle? 30 00:01:56,941 --> 00:01:58,877 It's warm. Okay, go to the back door. 31 00:01:58,945 --> 00:02:00,847 Well, another option. Another option. 32 00:02:00,915 --> 00:02:02,474 Jeez! Okay, settle down, everyone! 33 00:02:02,551 --> 00:02:03,552 I forgot my purse! 34 00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:04,782 Leave it, woman! 35 00:02:04,856 --> 00:02:06,035 Get out of the way! Go, go, go, go, go! 36 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,550 Things can be replaced, Phyllis! 37 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,929 People, human lives, however... 38 00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:14,839 My hand! That's hot! 39 00:02:14,910 --> 00:02:16,435 This one's hot, too. 40 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:18,482 Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself! 41 00:02:18,550 --> 00:02:21,044 Let's go! Let's go! Get out of my way! 42 00:02:21,122 --> 00:02:23,354 Okay. Okay. Okay! 43 00:02:23,426 --> 00:02:24,485 Get out of the way! 44 00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:26,464 Have you ever seen a burn victim? 45 00:02:26,532 --> 00:02:27,557 Move it! 46 00:02:27,634 --> 00:02:30,037 Okay! Procedure! Procedure! 47 00:02:30,107 --> 00:02:32,669 Exit options! Where do we go, folks? 48 00:02:32,746 --> 00:02:34,510 Use a what to cover the mouth? It's okay. 49 00:02:34,582 --> 00:02:38,488 A what? A rag, a damp rag perhaps. 50 00:02:38,556 --> 00:02:41,119 Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? 51 00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:42,942 Okay! That's the wrong way. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 52 00:02:42,966 --> 00:02:45,870 We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. 53 00:02:45,938 --> 00:02:47,270 Exit points, people. Oscar? 54 00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:48,570 What's next, huh? Oscar! 55 00:02:48,643 --> 00:02:49,805 Stay alive, I'm getting help! 56 00:02:49,846 --> 00:02:50,871 Pull me up! 57 00:02:50,948 --> 00:02:51,949 You're too heavy. 58 00:02:52,017 --> 00:02:53,212 I only weigh 82 pounds. 59 00:02:54,355 --> 00:02:55,756 Save Bandit! 60 00:02:58,998 --> 00:03:01,400 How about 911? Anyone? 911? 61 00:03:12,057 --> 00:03:13,184 What do we do? 62 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:15,320 Use the surge of fear and adrenaline 63 00:03:15,397 --> 00:03:16,832 to sharpen your decision making. 64 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:19,393 Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. 65 00:03:22,779 --> 00:03:24,145 What is that? What is that? 66 00:03:24,215 --> 00:03:26,549 The fire's shooting at us! 67 00:03:26,619 --> 00:03:29,523 What in the name of God is going on? 68 00:03:31,429 --> 00:03:33,023 I'm trying to... 69 00:03:43,253 --> 00:03:46,282 Help! Help! 70 00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:48,022 Oh, my God! 71 00:03:52,404 --> 00:03:56,572 Attention! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! 72 00:03:56,646 --> 00:04:00,086 This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. 73 00:04:00,153 --> 00:04:02,385 There's no fire. It was only a simulation. 74 00:04:02,457 --> 00:04:03,482 What? 75 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:07,193 Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. 76 00:04:08,369 --> 00:04:10,339 So what have we learned? 77 00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:12,400 Oh, come on. It's not real, Stanley. 78 00:04:12,477 --> 00:04:13,502 Oh, my God. 79 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:14,621 Don't have a heart attack. 80 00:04:14,682 --> 00:04:16,151 No, no, no, no, you will not die! 81 00:04:16,219 --> 00:04:19,589 Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! 82 00:04:19,658 --> 00:04:21,856 Stanley! Barack is President! 83 00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:24,400 You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth. 84 00:04:24,468 --> 00:04:26,181 No, no, no. Don't give him mouth-to-mouth for this. 85 00:04:26,205 --> 00:04:27,434 He just swallowed his tongue. 86 00:04:27,507 --> 00:04:30,810 Michael! Michael! Open your mouth. Don't swallow it! 87 00:04:31,115 --> 00:04:35,385 I'm fine! Leave me... I'm saving him! 88 00:05:07,955 --> 00:05:10,187 How could you possibly think this is a good idea? 89 00:05:10,260 --> 00:05:12,662 A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. 90 00:05:12,732 --> 00:05:13,995 Electricity. Shampoo. 91 00:05:14,068 --> 00:05:16,061 You could have burned down the whole building. 92 00:05:16,138 --> 00:05:18,871 I just want to say, for the record, I did not kill anyone. 93 00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:20,914 Stanley was attacked by his own heart. 94 00:05:20,981 --> 00:05:22,917 And he should be released from the hospital 95 00:05:22,985 --> 00:05:24,431 and back in the office in a couple days. 96 00:05:24,455 --> 00:05:27,621 Did you shout "fire," causing a panic? 97 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:30,724 Yes, I shouted "fire." I shouted many things. 98 00:05:30,801 --> 00:05:33,670 I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building. 99 00:05:33,741 --> 00:05:36,337 So you can imagine my frustration, as safety officer, 100 00:05:36,412 --> 00:05:38,575 when nobody would heed of... 101 00:05:38,649 --> 00:05:40,585 Heeded... Heeded of... "Head."Head." 102 00:05:40,653 --> 00:05:41,866 When no one headed... "Take headed of." 103 00:05:41,890 --> 00:05:44,486 No one would take headed of my instructions. 104 00:05:44,561 --> 00:05:46,155 So you... "Heed."Heed." 105 00:05:46,232 --> 00:05:47,310 "Take heed of." "Take heed of." 106 00:05:47,334 --> 00:05:50,830 And I don't see my co-workers heeding this right now. 107 00:05:53,579 --> 00:05:55,310 Wait, what? 108 00:05:55,383 --> 00:05:56,510 Okay. 109 00:06:08,176 --> 00:06:09,907 The city. 110 00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:13,112 Dwight. 111 00:06:15,190 --> 00:06:16,955 We are not mad, we are just disappointed. 112 00:06:17,027 --> 00:06:18,359 No, we are mad. 113 00:06:18,429 --> 00:06:21,265 Yes, we are. We are livid. 114 00:06:21,335 --> 00:06:23,271 But we are going to let this one slide. 115 00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:24,637 Thank you. No, we're not. 116 00:06:24,708 --> 00:06:26,941 I am not a mind reader, David. 117 00:06:28,516 --> 00:06:31,887 Look, this is a very serious offense. 118 00:06:31,957 --> 00:06:33,323 We have cause to fire you. 119 00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:35,487 Can you shove down? 120 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:38,934 Instead... Shove down, please. 121 00:06:39,004 --> 00:06:41,270 Instead what I think we should do is 122 00:06:41,342 --> 00:06:44,007 strip you of your title as safety officer. No. 123 00:06:44,081 --> 00:06:46,278 And we should take a part of his pay 124 00:06:46,352 --> 00:06:48,789 and donate it to the charity of your choice. 125 00:06:48,857 --> 00:06:50,102 Something that Dwight doesn't like. 126 00:06:51,228 --> 00:06:54,428 Michael, you have to take responsibility here. 127 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,870 One of your employees had a heart attack. 128 00:06:56,940 --> 00:06:58,533 He could have died because of the way 129 00:06:58,609 --> 00:07:00,044 you're allowing your office to run. 130 00:07:00,113 --> 00:07:01,810 Do you want that on your conscience? 131 00:07:01,883 --> 00:07:03,283 Do you? 132 00:07:03,352 --> 00:07:04,821 Michael? Are you talking to me? 133 00:07:04,889 --> 00:07:06,619 Yeah. 134 00:07:06,692 --> 00:07:07,786 What? 135 00:07:10,033 --> 00:07:13,096 Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. 136 00:07:14,408 --> 00:07:16,856 Always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change 137 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:20,046 with a 20-minute meeting in some fancy high rise. 138 00:07:20,988 --> 00:07:23,424 What's the matter? Are you hungry? 139 00:07:24,227 --> 00:07:26,254 No, Dwight, I am worried. 140 00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:28,926 A man's life is in my hands. 141 00:07:29,004 --> 00:07:30,472 Now don't you worry about that. 142 00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:32,510 I got it covered. Okay? 143 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:35,846 I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. 144 00:07:35,918 --> 00:07:37,511 That's not going to happen. 145 00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,956 I'm taking over as safety man. 146 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,585 What? You? Yes. 147 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:42,995 Come on. I'm a smart guy. 148 00:07:43,065 --> 00:07:45,969 That's preposterous. I'll figure it out. No. I will. 149 00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:50,141 Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 150 00:07:50,213 --> 00:07:53,276 "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." 151 00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:56,222 That's what a hospital's for. 152 00:07:56,291 --> 00:07:59,753 An office is for not dying. 153 00:08:00,968 --> 00:08:07,402 An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. To... 154 00:08:10,319 --> 00:08:13,223 An office is a place where dreams come true. 155 00:08:16,165 --> 00:08:19,069 Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. 156 00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:24,073 Welcome back, Stanley. 157 00:08:24,147 --> 00:08:25,776 Thank you, Michael. 158 00:08:25,851 --> 00:08:28,447 It's true, around this office in the past 159 00:08:28,522 --> 00:08:30,651 I have been a little abrupt with people. 160 00:08:30,728 --> 00:08:32,162 Not maybe, yes or no. 161 00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:33,231 No way. Uh-uh. 162 00:08:33,299 --> 00:08:34,665 Are you from another planet? 163 00:08:34,736 --> 00:08:35,897 Boy, have you lost your mind? 164 00:08:35,938 --> 00:08:37,167 Because I'll help you find it! 165 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,265 Did I stutter? 166 00:08:38,342 --> 00:08:40,073 I'm done. Goodbye. 167 00:08:41,548 --> 00:08:44,577 But the doctor said if I can't find a new way 168 00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:48,424 to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die. 169 00:08:48,964 --> 00:08:49,965 Andy. 170 00:08:50,032 --> 00:08:52,400 A throne for your highness. 171 00:08:53,239 --> 00:08:54,707 I'm not sitting in a wheelchair. 172 00:08:54,776 --> 00:08:55,869 No, no, no. No debate. 173 00:08:55,944 --> 00:08:57,323 You are going to sit in that wheelchair 174 00:08:57,347 --> 00:08:59,010 until you are back on your feet. 175 00:09:00,253 --> 00:09:01,551 I'm going to die. 176 00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,522 ABC, okay? 177 00:09:04,595 --> 00:09:07,796 And that stands for "Airway, Breathing and Circulation." 178 00:09:07,869 --> 00:09:09,882 Okay. You know what? That could be a little confusing, 179 00:09:09,906 --> 00:09:12,570 because in sales ABC means "Always Be Closing." 180 00:09:12,644 --> 00:09:14,740 This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. 181 00:09:14,816 --> 00:09:15,841 Shut it. Shut it. 182 00:09:15,918 --> 00:09:19,881 We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things 183 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,553 when Stanley had his... 184 00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:23,223 When his heart went berserk. 185 00:09:23,666 --> 00:09:25,226 And I knew exactly what to do. 186 00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:29,141 But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. 187 00:09:29,211 --> 00:09:32,206 So I thought we should have a CPR training class. 188 00:09:32,284 --> 00:09:35,951 And of course you can't get the practice dummy 189 00:09:36,025 --> 00:09:38,393 unless the instructor comes along with it. 190 00:09:38,463 --> 00:09:40,764 Red Cross and their racket. 191 00:09:43,072 --> 00:09:44,939 I can't keep doing this forever. 192 00:09:45,010 --> 00:09:46,603 It's been 20 seconds. 193 00:09:48,549 --> 00:09:50,314 Call it. 194 00:09:50,387 --> 00:09:51,685 Would you like to try next? 195 00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:53,658 Absolutely I would not. 196 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,027 You know who I really think should go? 197 00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:57,900 Stanley. 198 00:09:57,969 --> 00:09:59,301 Oh, I don't know. 199 00:09:59,371 --> 00:10:02,070 It's not a good idea, Michael. He needs to rest. 200 00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:03,943 No rest for the sick. 201 00:10:06,285 --> 00:10:09,725 We are not always going to be there 202 00:10:09,793 --> 00:10:14,826 to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. 203 00:10:14,903 --> 00:10:17,550 What are you going to do if you're by yourself and your heart stops? 204 00:10:17,574 --> 00:10:18,941 I would die. 205 00:10:19,011 --> 00:10:20,343 And you're okay with that? 206 00:10:20,413 --> 00:10:22,178 I'm okay with the logic of it. 207 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:25,313 Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this. 208 00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:27,189 Yes, I had a heart attack. 209 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:30,164 I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. 210 00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:32,362 And I don't have enough saved to retire. 211 00:10:32,437 --> 00:10:35,238 I feel like I'm working in my own casket. 212 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:37,776 Come on, Stanley! You're losing you! 213 00:10:37,849 --> 00:10:39,716 You're losing you! Do it! 214 00:10:39,786 --> 00:10:41,748 This is you we're talking about. 215 00:10:41,790 --> 00:10:42,791 Michael. 216 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:44,988 Okay, okay, I'll show them. Here we go. 217 00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,434 - All right. - So assessing the situation. 218 00:10:49,505 --> 00:10:51,099 Are they breathing? 219 00:10:51,175 --> 00:10:54,147 No, Rose. They are not breathing. 220 00:10:54,214 --> 00:10:56,947 And they have no arms or legs. 221 00:10:57,020 --> 00:10:58,147 No, that's not part of it. 222 00:10:58,222 --> 00:10:59,315 Where are they? 223 00:10:59,391 --> 00:11:01,691 You know what? If we come across somebody 224 00:11:01,763 --> 00:11:05,760 with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? 225 00:11:05,838 --> 00:11:08,172 I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? 226 00:11:08,242 --> 00:11:09,973 I would want to live with no legs. 227 00:11:10,046 --> 00:11:11,708 How about no arms? 228 00:11:11,783 --> 00:11:14,413 No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. 229 00:11:14,488 --> 00:11:15,787 You don't do anything. 230 00:11:15,858 --> 00:11:19,388 All right. Well, let's get back to it, because you're losing him. 231 00:11:19,698 --> 00:11:20,758 Okay, too fast. 232 00:11:20,835 --> 00:11:23,670 Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute. 233 00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:27,201 Okay. That's hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? 234 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,441 How is that going to help you? 235 00:11:28,449 --> 00:11:30,818 I will divide and then count to it. Right. 236 00:11:30,888 --> 00:11:32,254 Okay, well, a good trick 237 00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:35,091 is to pump to the tune of Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. 238 00:11:35,163 --> 00:11:36,164 Do you know that song? 239 00:11:36,232 --> 00:11:38,566 Yes, yes. I do. I love that song. 240 00:11:38,636 --> 00:11:41,608 First I was afraid, I was petrified 241 00:11:41,675 --> 00:11:43,235 No, it's... 242 00:11:44,681 --> 00:11:46,048 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 243 00:11:46,118 --> 00:11:48,098 Okay. That's enough. You were in the parking lot earlier. 244 00:11:48,122 --> 00:11:49,989 That's how I know you. 245 00:11:54,468 --> 00:11:56,631 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 246 00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:01,213 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 247 00:12:01,282 --> 00:12:03,947 Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk 248 00:12:04,021 --> 00:12:06,218 I'm a woman's man, no time to talk 249 00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:10,289 Music loud, women warm Been kicked around since I was born 250 00:12:10,366 --> 00:12:12,427 Well, it's all right It's okay 251 00:12:12,504 --> 00:12:14,599 You can look the other way 252 00:12:15,376 --> 00:12:17,573 Okay! Okay! 253 00:12:21,121 --> 00:12:23,057 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 254 00:12:23,125 --> 00:12:26,029 Yeah. Okay, you didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. 255 00:12:26,098 --> 00:12:29,161 And the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. 256 00:12:29,237 --> 00:12:30,238 So you lost him. 257 00:12:30,306 --> 00:12:33,039 Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? 258 00:12:33,112 --> 00:12:35,173 Anybody? Rose? 259 00:12:35,249 --> 00:12:36,478 I have no idea. Anyone else? 260 00:12:36,552 --> 00:12:39,422 We bury him. Wrong! Check for an organ donor card. 261 00:12:39,491 --> 00:12:41,484 If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. 262 00:12:41,562 --> 00:12:42,643 He has no wallet, I checked. 263 00:12:42,664 --> 00:12:44,224 He is an organ donor. He is? 264 00:12:44,301 --> 00:12:46,567 Get me some ice and Styrofoam bucket. 265 00:12:46,639 --> 00:12:48,040 Here we go. 266 00:12:48,109 --> 00:12:49,738 - Oh, my God! - Dwight! 267 00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:50,905 Dwight! 268 00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,176 Dwight, what are you... 269 00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:53,275 What are you doing? 270 00:12:53,352 --> 00:12:56,119 We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart. 271 00:12:56,191 --> 00:12:58,286 I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down. 272 00:12:58,362 --> 00:12:59,956 Stanley. 273 00:13:00,033 --> 00:13:01,900 Hey, Stanley. Stanley. 274 00:13:01,970 --> 00:13:02,995 Are you okay? 275 00:13:03,105 --> 00:13:05,371 Oh, my God! 276 00:13:05,443 --> 00:13:06,502 Oh, my God! 277 00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,411 Dwight! Clarice. 278 00:13:08,482 --> 00:13:09,974 Oh, my God. 279 00:13:10,053 --> 00:13:13,857 Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? 280 00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,920 I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, 281 00:13:15,998 --> 00:13:18,468 and it turns out it's pretty realistic. 282 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:21,531 We had to pay for it. It cost us $3,500. 283 00:13:21,608 --> 00:13:24,809 $5,300 for a dummy? Wow. 284 00:13:24,882 --> 00:13:26,646 Well, okay, look. 285 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:30,056 David, this is why we have training. 286 00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:33,587 We start with the dummy and we learn from our mistakes. 287 00:13:33,666 --> 00:13:37,504 And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. 288 00:13:44,654 --> 00:13:47,855 Hope you brought your apetitos, my lady, my Tuna. 289 00:13:49,097 --> 00:13:50,999 A little movie popcorn. 290 00:13:54,341 --> 00:13:55,833 Damn it. 291 00:13:56,011 --> 00:13:58,038 This movie, a lot of buzz. 292 00:13:58,115 --> 00:14:00,608 Not coming out for another six months. 293 00:14:00,686 --> 00:14:03,283 Mrs. Albert Hanaday. 294 00:14:03,359 --> 00:14:06,821 So the friendship with the Nard-Dog has its privileges. 295 00:14:08,235 --> 00:14:10,467 We don't normally download films illegally 296 00:14:10,606 --> 00:14:12,873 because we're honest, hard-working people. 297 00:14:12,945 --> 00:14:14,311 And we don't know how. 298 00:14:14,381 --> 00:14:16,784 But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. 299 00:14:16,853 --> 00:14:18,880 Punishment fits the crime. 300 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:25,896 I want you to meet my Nana. Nana, this is Sam. 301 00:14:26,438 --> 00:14:29,569 Hi. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hanaday. 302 00:14:29,644 --> 00:14:31,443 Please, call me Lily. 303 00:14:39,732 --> 00:14:42,863 Let's play bridge. You can be my partner. 304 00:14:44,241 --> 00:14:46,609 All right, Lily. 305 00:14:59,371 --> 00:15:00,430 What's going on? 306 00:15:01,008 --> 00:15:03,121 No one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through 307 00:15:03,145 --> 00:15:05,206 a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. 308 00:15:05,283 --> 00:15:08,016 My dad spent the night at our place last night. 309 00:15:08,088 --> 00:15:11,892 My parents have been fighting for weeks and it kind of sucks. 310 00:15:11,963 --> 00:15:13,329 Jim's been great. 311 00:15:14,467 --> 00:15:17,268 But I'm going to need to buy my dad a robe. 312 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,439 He's not saying what he needs to say. 313 00:15:19,511 --> 00:15:20,536 Hmm? 314 00:15:21,248 --> 00:15:23,616 Who? Jack Black? 315 00:15:23,686 --> 00:15:24,882 Yeah. 316 00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:28,559 I mean, they just need to communicate, you know. 317 00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:32,694 If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then... 318 00:15:35,509 --> 00:15:36,670 Hmm. 319 00:15:36,746 --> 00:15:41,016 Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. 320 00:15:42,256 --> 00:15:45,855 They're catching things that are totally going over my head. 321 00:15:46,866 --> 00:15:48,391 Hi, everyone. 322 00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:51,669 Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. 323 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:54,441 They are very, very upset with him. 324 00:15:54,514 --> 00:15:57,077 So, as a disciplinary measure, 325 00:15:58,022 --> 00:16:01,860 he is going to have to issue a formal apology. 326 00:16:01,929 --> 00:16:06,165 Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? 327 00:16:06,238 --> 00:16:08,140 I have. Let's hear it. 328 00:16:12,350 --> 00:16:14,013 I state my regret. 329 00:16:16,224 --> 00:16:17,853 You couldn't have memorized that? 330 00:16:17,928 --> 00:16:19,487 I could not because I do not feel it. 331 00:16:19,564 --> 00:16:20,877 Okay, everyone, I'm going to need you 332 00:16:20,901 --> 00:16:22,803 to sign this statement of regret 333 00:16:22,871 --> 00:16:24,841 as an acknowledgment that you heard it. 334 00:16:24,909 --> 00:16:27,038 Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal. 335 00:16:27,113 --> 00:16:29,481 It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. 336 00:16:29,551 --> 00:16:32,318 Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years 337 00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:34,292 and forced him not to exercise. 338 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:35,829 Now take a lesson from Stanley 339 00:16:35,897 --> 00:16:38,367 and jog on up here and sign this. Okay? 340 00:16:38,435 --> 00:16:41,601 Make a line. Just form a line right here. 341 00:16:43,011 --> 00:16:45,744 Sign it! Sign it now! 342 00:16:50,059 --> 00:16:51,687 Hi, Dad. 343 00:16:51,762 --> 00:16:53,390 Yeah, Jim has shaving cream. 344 00:16:53,465 --> 00:16:54,866 Check our bathroom. 345 00:16:55,937 --> 00:16:57,235 Lily? 346 00:16:57,908 --> 00:16:59,308 I'm in here. 347 00:17:04,354 --> 00:17:07,292 I... I'm sorry. I didn't 348 00:17:09,197 --> 00:17:11,394 realize you were in the bath. 349 00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:16,874 Do you want me to go? 350 00:17:18,282 --> 00:17:20,013 I want you to stay. 351 00:17:29,637 --> 00:17:31,504 Oh, boy. 352 00:17:31,575 --> 00:17:32,976 Oh, man. 353 00:17:33,645 --> 00:17:36,743 You know, Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman. 354 00:17:37,286 --> 00:17:40,417 And it was going to be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. 355 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,086 But then Nicole Kidman dropped out, 356 00:17:42,163 --> 00:17:44,828 so they went with Cloris Leachman, 357 00:17:44,902 --> 00:17:46,715 - with a small rewrite. - Just give me your hand 358 00:17:46,739 --> 00:17:47,934 and get that in there. 359 00:17:48,008 --> 00:17:50,035 Help me pull it around. 360 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,705 Oh, yeah. You did that one already. 361 00:17:51,782 --> 00:17:53,648 I know, but if I get it deeper... 362 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,052 What is... 363 00:18:00,532 --> 00:18:03,129 He was pretty talkative at breakfast. 364 00:18:03,639 --> 00:18:05,040 What? 365 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,612 Breakfast? 366 00:18:09,450 --> 00:18:12,013 You mean when they were eating soup? 367 00:18:12,089 --> 00:18:14,218 I don't think that was breakfast. 368 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,562 Unless soup... Does soup symbolize breakfast? 369 00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:19,013 So he doesn't share with his daughter, 370 00:18:19,037 --> 00:18:21,234 but he shares with his daughter's fiance? 371 00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,505 You guys, they're making out. 372 00:18:26,451 --> 00:18:27,784 Hey. Hey. 373 00:18:28,689 --> 00:18:30,887 Did my dad say anything about my mom? 374 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,898 No. We mostly just talked about cereal. 375 00:18:36,872 --> 00:18:38,067 What? 376 00:18:38,141 --> 00:18:39,609 I don't know. 377 00:18:39,677 --> 00:18:42,274 I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of the stuff 378 00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:44,981 'cause he can't really talk to me about it. 379 00:18:45,089 --> 00:18:47,959 Mmm... You're good to talk to. 380 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:52,430 I'm okay. I'm not great. And... 381 00:19:01,254 --> 00:19:04,249 Everybody sit on the floor, Indian-style like me. 382 00:19:05,429 --> 00:19:07,832 My God, if you're wearing a dress, 383 00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:10,184 please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that. 384 00:19:13,178 --> 00:19:15,648 My goal is to make this office as peaceful 385 00:19:15,717 --> 00:19:18,244 a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. 386 00:19:19,157 --> 00:19:22,425 And I think sounds have a lot to do with that. 387 00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:25,297 Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. 388 00:19:32,216 --> 00:19:34,118 That one makes me think 389 00:19:35,088 --> 00:19:36,351 of death. 390 00:19:39,564 --> 00:19:40,931 It's kind of nice. 391 00:19:41,167 --> 00:19:46,132 It is a beautiful, sunny day 392 00:19:46,211 --> 00:19:49,479 as we walk through the meadow. 393 00:19:50,118 --> 00:19:54,388 That is very spiritual and relaxing. 394 00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:58,863 And there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. 395 00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:02,636 Now, up ahead, a castle in the distance. 396 00:20:02,711 --> 00:20:04,806 Don't open your eyes. What? Oh. 397 00:20:04,882 --> 00:20:09,186 And you walk up toward the castle. 398 00:20:09,257 --> 00:20:15,259 And inside the castle are four men, 399 00:20:15,335 --> 00:20:16,736 and each of them... 400 00:20:16,805 --> 00:20:18,934 None of them have shoes. 401 00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,912 And they give you a funny cigarette 402 00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:23,348 and you feel even more relaxed, 403 00:20:23,418 --> 00:20:26,481 and then you want ice cream. 404 00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,323 You want a big bowl of ice cream. 405 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,308 So what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out. 406 00:20:30,332 --> 00:20:31,333 Chunky Monkey. 407 00:20:31,401 --> 00:20:33,098 Too expensive. Chocolate. 408 00:20:33,171 --> 00:20:34,571 Racism is dead, Stanley. 409 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,168 You can have any kind of ice cream you want. 410 00:20:37,246 --> 00:20:38,806 What do you want? 411 00:20:38,883 --> 00:20:40,876 What is that? People, please, 412 00:20:40,954 --> 00:20:42,582 I told you to get rid of the cell phones. 413 00:20:42,656 --> 00:20:45,093 It's my bio-feedback machine. 414 00:20:45,162 --> 00:20:48,157 Oh, okay. What is that, like a video game? 415 00:20:48,234 --> 00:20:52,767 It alerts me when my stress level goes up, so I can try to calm down. 416 00:20:52,844 --> 00:20:54,210 You have stress? 417 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:55,441 Yes. 418 00:20:55,717 --> 00:20:57,686 During our relaxation exercise? 419 00:20:57,754 --> 00:20:58,881 Let me get you some water. 420 00:20:58,956 --> 00:21:00,468 No, no, I'll help you up. I'll help you up. 421 00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:01,670 Here we go. Here we go. Let me get you up. 422 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,027 No, Michael. Would you step back? 423 00:21:04,166 --> 00:21:05,278 Please, please. Okay. All right. 424 00:21:05,302 --> 00:21:07,272 - A little further. - Okay. 425 00:21:09,210 --> 00:21:10,701 That's better. 426 00:21:19,530 --> 00:21:20,623 Okay. 427 00:21:22,302 --> 00:21:24,204 I think that thing is on the fritz. 428 00:21:26,344 --> 00:21:29,180 Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? 429 00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:32,654 That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay. 430 00:21:34,795 --> 00:21:36,696 Let's give this a shot. 431 00:21:37,466 --> 00:21:38,627 Hello! 432 00:21:42,543 --> 00:21:45,846 Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out. 433 00:21:48,088 --> 00:21:50,889 So it wasn't Dwight after all. 434 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,862 Looks like I'm the killer. 435 00:21:53,364 --> 00:21:55,231 You never expect that you're the killer. 436 00:21:55,302 --> 00:21:59,208 It's a great twist. Great twist. 437 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,849 Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. 438 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:10,497 Oh. Hey, Mom. No. 439 00:22:12,337 --> 00:22:13,966 What did Dad say? 440 00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:18,380 What did you say to my dad? 441 00:22:18,449 --> 00:22:19,474 What? 442 00:22:19,551 --> 00:22:21,020 After you talked, he called my mom 443 00:22:21,088 --> 00:22:22,467 and said he was gonna look for an apartment. 444 00:22:22,491 --> 00:22:24,985 Oh, my God. Pam, I don't know. I... 445 00:22:26,198 --> 00:22:28,065 Nothing, truly nothing. 446 00:22:28,135 --> 00:22:30,332 I mean, I just was honest with him and I... 447 00:22:31,208 --> 00:22:35,046 I'm so sorry. I don't know. I'll call him again. 448 00:22:39,826 --> 00:22:42,456 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, 449 00:22:42,531 --> 00:22:46,062 so it was her parents or my parents. 450 00:22:49,611 --> 00:22:53,551 What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? 451 00:22:53,619 --> 00:22:57,059 And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? 452 00:23:02,304 --> 00:23:03,830 I don't get it. 453 00:23:04,943 --> 00:23:06,377 Do I stress you out? 454 00:23:06,445 --> 00:23:08,347 Nothing stresses me out. 455 00:23:09,084 --> 00:23:12,819 Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. 456 00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:14,554 Speaking of which... 457 00:23:19,271 --> 00:23:22,209 Remember when people used to say "boss" 458 00:23:22,277 --> 00:23:25,842 when they were describing something that was really cool? 459 00:23:25,918 --> 00:23:30,484 Like, "Those shoulder pads are really boss, man." 460 00:23:31,462 --> 00:23:34,298 "Look at that perm. That perm is so boss." 461 00:23:35,269 --> 00:23:38,002 It's what made me want to become a boss. 462 00:23:39,511 --> 00:23:42,677 And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. 463 00:23:43,052 --> 00:23:48,689 But now boss is just slang for "jerk in charge." 464 00:23:49,899 --> 00:23:52,928 Okay, everybody, I figured it out. 465 00:23:53,005 --> 00:23:56,307 The reason that you are all so stressed around me 466 00:23:56,378 --> 00:23:58,211 is that you are too intimidated 467 00:23:58,282 --> 00:24:01,220 to tell me what you really think. 468 00:24:01,288 --> 00:24:05,388 You are keeping these feelings inside and that is causing stress. 469 00:24:05,463 --> 00:24:07,057 So, what is the solution? 470 00:24:07,133 --> 00:24:11,301 Solution is honesty, laughter and comedy. 471 00:24:11,375 --> 00:24:13,072 In short... A vacation. 472 00:24:13,612 --> 00:24:19,557 What? No. No. I'm talking about a roast of Michael Scott. 473 00:24:20,426 --> 00:24:23,523 Come on. Who here has the Comedy Central Roast Channel? 474 00:24:23,599 --> 00:24:24,692 You've seen it, right? 475 00:24:24,769 --> 00:24:28,869 Everybody gets together and you start hurling insults at the one guy, 476 00:24:28,944 --> 00:24:32,644 and everybody's laughing and everybody is hugging each other. 477 00:24:32,718 --> 00:24:35,188 Michael, are you serious? Do you really want us to roast you? 478 00:24:36,358 --> 00:24:38,089 That's offensive. It's not! 479 00:24:38,162 --> 00:24:41,328 It's not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. 480 00:24:41,401 --> 00:24:43,403 And I want you guys to really get cracking on this. 481 00:24:43,472 --> 00:24:46,342 I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. 482 00:24:46,411 --> 00:24:50,215 I want you to really make fun of anything about me. 483 00:24:50,286 --> 00:24:53,417 It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, 484 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:56,988 or I'm a womanizer, fair game. Whatever. 485 00:24:57,066 --> 00:24:58,899 I don't want to write your stuff for you, 486 00:24:58,970 --> 00:25:00,598 but I just want it to be good. 487 00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:05,706 Oh, my God. Oh, man. Oh, my God. 488 00:25:05,784 --> 00:25:08,118 I consider myself a good person, 489 00:25:08,723 --> 00:25:10,589 but I'm gonna try to make him cry. 490 00:25:13,132 --> 00:25:15,933 I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. 491 00:25:16,004 --> 00:25:19,499 I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. 492 00:25:19,578 --> 00:25:24,520 I've got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. 493 00:25:29,164 --> 00:25:30,743 May I have your attention, please? Sign in. 494 00:25:30,767 --> 00:25:34,035 Sign in on the sign-in sheet, the clipboard. 495 00:25:34,107 --> 00:25:35,148 This meeting is mandatory, 496 00:25:35,209 --> 00:25:38,181 if you do not sign in, your name will not be counted. 497 00:25:38,249 --> 00:25:39,512 Thank you. 498 00:25:39,584 --> 00:25:41,987 Hey, this is your apology letter. 499 00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:44,852 It was the last signature I needed. 500 00:25:47,700 --> 00:25:49,762 Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome! 501 00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,501 You are all jerks. 502 00:25:52,845 --> 00:25:55,338 Just kidding. Not yet, anyway. 503 00:25:55,416 --> 00:25:58,388 Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. 504 00:25:58,455 --> 00:26:00,391 If you are here for the Grabowski wedding, 505 00:26:00,459 --> 00:26:03,124 it is the second door on the left. 506 00:26:03,465 --> 00:26:05,332 So, we all know how these work. 507 00:26:05,403 --> 00:26:08,398 It needs to get crazy. Take your best shot. 508 00:26:08,475 --> 00:26:10,536 I'm going to sit right over chair. 509 00:26:11,214 --> 00:26:16,122 And whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Okay. 510 00:26:18,629 --> 00:26:20,862 Lower the mike for the midget. 511 00:26:23,005 --> 00:26:25,772 If you ever wondered whether you were Michael Scott, 512 00:26:25,844 --> 00:26:28,110 here's a quiz to help. 513 00:26:28,182 --> 00:26:32,247 If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott. 514 00:26:34,427 --> 00:26:37,331 I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. 515 00:26:38,737 --> 00:26:40,764 If you ever called the fire department 516 00:26:40,841 --> 00:26:43,836 because your head was stuck in your chair, you might be... 517 00:26:43,947 --> 00:26:45,472 Michael Scott. 518 00:26:49,324 --> 00:26:50,816 Hey, hey. 519 00:26:50,894 --> 00:26:53,421 I don't go make burgers where you work 520 00:26:53,499 --> 00:26:55,560 and then tell you how to make burgers. 521 00:26:57,006 --> 00:26:59,602 I have made a list of people that I would make out with 522 00:26:59,677 --> 00:27:02,012 before I would make out with Michael Scott. 523 00:27:02,083 --> 00:27:06,023 A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse. 524 00:27:06,091 --> 00:27:07,092 Yeah! 525 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:12,866 A wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and Lord Voldemort. 526 00:27:12,938 --> 00:27:14,219 Anyway, happy birthday, Michael. 527 00:27:14,274 --> 00:27:15,299 Yeah. 528 00:27:15,376 --> 00:27:17,973 You'd be so lucky. Good one. 529 00:27:18,382 --> 00:27:22,254 Michael, you ran over me with your car. 530 00:27:24,461 --> 00:27:28,526 You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board 531 00:27:28,602 --> 00:27:30,800 with a caption that said, "Gross." 532 00:27:30,874 --> 00:27:31,899 Well... 533 00:27:31,976 --> 00:27:35,039 Michael, you are the reason I drink. 534 00:27:35,116 --> 00:27:37,643 You are the reason I live to forget. 535 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,941 No, no, friends only. Friends only! 536 00:27:53,452 --> 00:27:55,649 Several times a day, Michael says words 537 00:27:55,724 --> 00:27:58,024 that are way beyond my vocabulary. 538 00:27:58,095 --> 00:27:59,188 I know where this is going. 539 00:27:59,264 --> 00:28:00,289 Do you? No. 540 00:28:00,366 --> 00:28:02,131 Okay. Remember spider face? 541 00:28:02,203 --> 00:28:03,228 No. 542 00:28:03,305 --> 00:28:04,603 Okay, because the quote was, 543 00:28:04,674 --> 00:28:06,770 "Cut off your nose to spider face." 544 00:28:06,846 --> 00:28:07,847 Spider... Okay. 545 00:28:09,017 --> 00:28:10,576 Yeah, yeah. 546 00:28:11,555 --> 00:28:12,800 How dare you all attack him like this? 547 00:28:12,824 --> 00:28:13,883 No, stop it. 548 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,007 Michael is your superior, okay? Dwight. No, no, no, no. 549 00:28:16,031 --> 00:28:17,864 You should be bowing down in front of him. 550 00:28:17,935 --> 00:28:19,198 Hey, hey. Right now. Okay? 551 00:28:19,270 --> 00:28:20,783 They don't understand who they have. That is the way 552 00:28:20,807 --> 00:28:22,486 you're supposed to do it, idiot. You're interrupting me. 553 00:28:22,510 --> 00:28:24,423 I'm trying to get your back. I'm trying to... Idiot, idiot. 554 00:28:24,447 --> 00:28:26,144 Idiot. Are you calling me an idiot? 555 00:28:26,218 --> 00:28:27,949 Don't you ever talk to me that way, 556 00:28:28,021 --> 00:28:29,888 you pathetic short little man. 557 00:28:29,959 --> 00:28:33,329 You don't have any friends or any family or any land! 558 00:28:35,636 --> 00:28:37,572 - Yeah! - Yeah! 559 00:28:38,876 --> 00:28:40,723 Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all 560 00:28:40,747 --> 00:28:42,272 about something very serious. 561 00:28:42,350 --> 00:28:46,484 Once every hour, someone is involved in an Internet scam. 562 00:28:47,393 --> 00:28:48,828 That man is Michael Scott. 563 00:28:50,032 --> 00:28:52,127 He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. 564 00:28:52,203 --> 00:28:56,143 Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring, right? 565 00:28:56,979 --> 00:29:00,042 Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. 566 00:29:00,119 --> 00:29:01,986 He never does any work himself, ever. 567 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:08,995 And one time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small. 568 00:29:10,172 --> 00:29:11,869 How small is it? 569 00:29:11,942 --> 00:29:13,969 If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle. 570 00:29:15,850 --> 00:29:17,820 All right, can I make just a little announcement? 571 00:29:17,888 --> 00:29:21,054 In a professional roast, usually the roaster 572 00:29:21,127 --> 00:29:24,190 will say something nice about the roastee after they're done. 573 00:29:24,267 --> 00:29:28,605 Something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind. 574 00:29:28,675 --> 00:29:30,542 Mike claims we're all a family. 575 00:29:30,612 --> 00:29:32,125 You know what... We are. We are a family. 576 00:29:32,149 --> 00:29:35,610 Okay, so, what's his name? 577 00:29:35,689 --> 00:29:37,056 All the way in the back there. 578 00:29:37,126 --> 00:29:38,755 Oh, very funny. 579 00:29:38,830 --> 00:29:40,196 What's his name? 580 00:29:40,265 --> 00:29:41,266 Uh... 581 00:29:42,503 --> 00:29:44,268 I'm thinking Roy. 582 00:29:44,340 --> 00:29:47,005 Roy left years ago. What's his name? 583 00:29:47,079 --> 00:29:49,049 I don't believe I've had the pleasure. 584 00:29:49,117 --> 00:29:50,984 Michael, I gave you a ride home last week 585 00:29:51,054 --> 00:29:53,490 and we spent an hour in traffic. 586 00:29:53,558 --> 00:29:55,460 What's his name? Jefferson. 587 00:29:55,529 --> 00:29:58,296 Nope. His name is Michael. 588 00:30:08,221 --> 00:30:10,988 What I hate about you 589 00:30:11,060 --> 00:30:12,927 You really suck as a boss 590 00:30:14,902 --> 00:30:18,967 You're the laziest, jerkiest And you're dumber than an apple sauce 591 00:30:21,014 --> 00:30:23,576 We're stuck listening to you all day 592 00:30:23,652 --> 00:30:26,351 Stanley tried to die just to get away 593 00:30:26,424 --> 00:30:27,950 Well, it's true 594 00:30:28,595 --> 00:30:30,725 That's what I hate about you 595 00:30:31,534 --> 00:30:33,663 That's what I hate about you 596 00:30:43,458 --> 00:30:44,551 Yeah! 597 00:30:46,732 --> 00:30:52,300 And now a man who deserves no introduction, Michael Scott. 598 00:30:55,917 --> 00:30:59,617 Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. 599 00:30:59,690 --> 00:31:01,888 Great job, some great laughs. 600 00:31:03,298 --> 00:31:07,466 Really, really went after my intelligence there. 601 00:31:09,610 --> 00:31:12,981 Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong, but... 602 00:31:14,487 --> 00:31:20,329 And my thing isn't tiny, it's average, so get your facts straight. 603 00:31:23,705 --> 00:31:28,910 So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought... 604 00:31:30,152 --> 00:31:33,249 Sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat. 605 00:31:33,658 --> 00:31:34,659 Um... 606 00:31:38,301 --> 00:31:42,241 I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. 607 00:31:43,545 --> 00:31:44,546 Um... 608 00:31:47,186 --> 00:31:49,953 First up, Phyllis and Kevin. 609 00:31:51,227 --> 00:31:52,559 Um... 610 00:32:17,882 --> 00:32:20,148 Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. 611 00:32:20,219 --> 00:32:22,246 I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now. 612 00:32:22,323 --> 00:32:24,020 Can I take a message? 613 00:32:25,463 --> 00:32:27,330 Great. I will. Thanks. 614 00:32:31,843 --> 00:32:34,575 It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. 615 00:32:34,648 --> 00:32:36,812 My guess, he's either deeply depressed 616 00:32:36,886 --> 00:32:40,917 or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. 617 00:32:40,994 --> 00:32:44,228 He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them 618 00:32:44,301 --> 00:32:45,530 and staring up at them. 619 00:32:45,603 --> 00:32:47,630 And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back" 620 00:32:47,707 --> 00:32:49,438 "and stare at the icicle from the side." 621 00:32:49,511 --> 00:32:51,273 And he's like, "No, I like the way they look" 622 00:32:51,315 --> 00:32:54,549 "from standing directly underneath them." 623 00:32:54,621 --> 00:32:56,819 It was only a matter of time. 624 00:32:57,093 --> 00:32:59,427 Michael is so dumb 625 00:32:59,497 --> 00:33:03,665 that he tries to put his M&M's in alphabetical order. 626 00:33:04,809 --> 00:33:07,507 All right, Kevin, enough with the Michael jokes. 627 00:33:07,580 --> 00:33:09,060 I think he got it bad enough yesterday. 628 00:33:09,084 --> 00:33:10,382 I'm almost done. 629 00:33:10,453 --> 00:33:12,650 That reeks and I'm trying to eat. 630 00:33:12,725 --> 00:33:15,025 Attention, everyone, I've just got a text from Michael. 631 00:33:15,096 --> 00:33:17,532 He says "personnel day." Are we hiring? 632 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,263 Yeah. You're being replaced. 633 00:33:19,337 --> 00:33:21,068 I think he meant personal day. 634 00:33:21,141 --> 00:33:22,453 I don't know. That's quite a leap, Pam. 635 00:33:22,477 --> 00:33:24,413 I hope he's okay. I feel bad. 636 00:33:24,481 --> 00:33:26,474 Give it up. He's dead. 637 00:33:26,551 --> 00:33:27,884 He just sent a text. 638 00:33:28,489 --> 00:33:29,981 What's a text? 639 00:33:50,533 --> 00:33:53,664 You know, sometimes to get perspective, 640 00:33:54,809 --> 00:33:58,646 I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away, 641 00:33:59,819 --> 00:34:01,880 and our problems don't matter to him 642 00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:04,688 because we're just a distant point of light. 643 00:34:06,064 --> 00:34:08,057 But he feels sorry for me 644 00:34:08,803 --> 00:34:11,273 because he has an incredibly powerful microscope 645 00:34:11,341 --> 00:34:13,243 and he can see my face. 646 00:34:16,585 --> 00:34:17,952 I'm okay. 647 00:34:20,659 --> 00:34:22,060 No, I'm not. 648 00:34:22,430 --> 00:34:24,093 Phyllis, there's a package for you. 649 00:34:24,167 --> 00:34:25,362 Oh. 650 00:34:27,173 --> 00:34:28,802 Sign here. Okay. 651 00:34:32,818 --> 00:34:33,945 What? 652 00:34:39,597 --> 00:34:40,793 Got it! 653 00:34:44,374 --> 00:34:47,073 Sam, Sam, Sam. 654 00:34:47,748 --> 00:34:50,720 It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, 655 00:34:50,787 --> 00:34:54,692 and it's not that you want children, it's that you lied to me. 656 00:34:54,762 --> 00:34:57,358 Can't you see that? Can't you see? 657 00:34:58,870 --> 00:35:00,236 I can never trust you. 658 00:35:00,306 --> 00:35:04,269 Lily, no. Lily. Lily, please. 659 00:35:05,616 --> 00:35:06,983 Lily, stop! 660 00:35:08,856 --> 00:35:12,522 I don't care how much time we have left. 661 00:35:12,597 --> 00:35:14,727 I don't care what my friends say. 662 00:35:15,269 --> 00:35:17,968 And I don't care what your mom thinks. 663 00:35:18,041 --> 00:35:21,343 Frankly, I'm pretty sure she's not making any sense. 664 00:35:22,718 --> 00:35:26,157 Please, move back to my apartment. 665 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:40,081 Lily, I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. 666 00:35:41,856 --> 00:35:46,764 Lily, Lily! Push the reverse button! 667 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,331 Reverse the button! 668 00:35:57,353 --> 00:36:00,724 Sam. Sam. 669 00:36:07,573 --> 00:36:11,308 Hey, Dad. No, I know. Mom told me. 670 00:36:15,890 --> 00:36:18,726 Okay. Yeah, I'll see you then. 671 00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:44,712 So what did he say? Was it my fault? 672 00:36:46,217 --> 00:36:47,412 Yeah. 673 00:36:50,359 --> 00:36:53,422 He said that you told him how much you love me, 674 00:36:54,567 --> 00:36:57,505 about how you feel when I walk in a room 675 00:36:57,573 --> 00:37:01,206 and about how you've never doubted for a second 676 00:37:01,281 --> 00:37:05,244 that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. 677 00:37:06,759 --> 00:37:10,562 I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best. 678 00:37:11,401 --> 00:37:13,268 You okay? 679 00:37:13,338 --> 00:37:14,499 Yeah. 680 00:37:17,313 --> 00:37:20,683 When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. 681 00:37:20,753 --> 00:37:23,383 My kids are gonna be right about that. 682 00:37:24,393 --> 00:37:25,691 I guess it also means 683 00:37:25,763 --> 00:37:30,033 that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. 684 00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:37,143 I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. 685 00:37:37,653 --> 00:37:40,147 Maybe I could be a food critic. 686 00:37:40,225 --> 00:37:42,218 These muffins taste bad. 687 00:37:42,964 --> 00:37:46,494 Or an art critic. That painting is bad. 688 00:37:49,711 --> 00:37:53,047 Michael, it's really good to see you. 689 00:37:53,853 --> 00:37:56,723 Hey, why are you wearing a turtleneck? 690 00:37:56,792 --> 00:37:57,817 You all right? 691 00:37:57,894 --> 00:37:59,736 Michael, I feel I was a little harsh yesterday. 692 00:37:59,798 --> 00:38:01,768 Yeah, we're really sorry. 693 00:38:01,835 --> 00:38:05,935 I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. 694 00:38:06,979 --> 00:38:10,076 I guess they all flew west for the winter. 695 00:38:10,152 --> 00:38:14,388 And I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people. 696 00:38:14,460 --> 00:38:15,827 What? Well, I wrote them down 697 00:38:15,897 --> 00:38:17,297 so I wouldn't forget. 698 00:38:19,738 --> 00:38:23,643 Jim, you're 6'11" and you weigh 90 pounds. 699 00:38:23,713 --> 00:38:25,648 Gumby has a better body than you. 700 00:38:25,717 --> 00:38:27,345 Boom. Roasted. 701 00:38:27,419 --> 00:38:29,446 Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. 702 00:38:29,523 --> 00:38:32,324 Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. 703 00:38:32,396 --> 00:38:34,890 Meredith, you've slept with so many guys 704 00:38:34,968 --> 00:38:36,436 you're starting to look like one. 705 00:38:36,504 --> 00:38:37,529 Boom. Roasted. 706 00:38:37,606 --> 00:38:39,667 Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke 707 00:38:39,745 --> 00:38:41,213 and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. 708 00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,252 Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. 709 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,256 Angela, where's Angela? 710 00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:47,349 Well, there you are. 711 00:38:47,426 --> 00:38:51,093 I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. 712 00:38:51,167 --> 00:38:53,637 Stanley, you crush your wife during sex 713 00:38:53,705 --> 00:38:55,368 and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. 714 00:38:56,511 --> 00:38:58,344 Oscar, you are... 715 00:39:02,022 --> 00:39:05,017 Oscar, you're gay. 716 00:39:05,095 --> 00:39:06,120 Wow. 717 00:39:06,197 --> 00:39:10,798 Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. 718 00:39:11,641 --> 00:39:12,642 Boom. Roasted. 719 00:39:12,711 --> 00:39:13,872 Boom. Roasted. 720 00:39:22,731 --> 00:39:26,500 All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. 721 00:39:28,341 --> 00:39:29,901 You know I kid. 722 00:39:29,978 --> 00:39:33,816 You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. 723 00:39:33,886 --> 00:39:38,054 So, good night, God bless. God bless America. 724 00:39:38,128 --> 00:39:39,653 And get home safe. 725 00:39:39,731 --> 00:39:40,790 Yeah. 726 00:39:43,404 --> 00:39:45,567 They say that laughter is the best medicine, 727 00:39:45,642 --> 00:39:48,877 so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills. 728 00:39:48,949 --> 00:39:50,440 You are cured. 729 00:39:51,922 --> 00:39:55,190 Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case. 730 00:39:56,409 --> 00:40:06,419 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/3skzt Help other users to choose the best subtitles