1
00:00:03,032 --> 00:00:04,727
Good morning, everybody.

2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:08,236
Who would like an authentic
New York bagel, hmm?

3
00:00:08,303 --> 00:00:09,634
Stanley?
Thank you.

4
00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:13,232
Oh, no, no, no. I got a
pumpernickel just for you.

5
00:00:13,308 --> 00:00:15,674
Wow, H&H.

6
00:00:15,744 --> 00:00:18,804
You went all the way to New
York City to get us bagels?

7
00:00:18,881 --> 00:00:21,509
Why? Is there a place
closer that sells them?

8
00:00:21,583 --> 00:00:23,107
This is really nice, Dwight.
Thanks.

9
00:00:23,185 --> 00:00:24,209
Thanks.

10
00:00:24,286 --> 00:00:25,583
Oh, don't mention it.

11
00:00:25,654 --> 00:00:28,589
You owe me one.
You all owe me one.

12
00:00:28,657 --> 00:00:30,591
Good morning, Michael.
Morning, Dwight.

13
00:00:30,659 --> 00:00:31,648
Hungry?

14
00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:33,661
No, I had
a fish stick sandwich.

15
00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:35,424
Actually, I had two
fish stick sandwiches.

16
00:00:35,497 --> 00:00:37,260
My girlfriend
didn't want hers,

17
00:00:37,332 --> 00:00:39,892
because I guess I'm the
only aphrodisiac she needs.

18
00:00:39,968 --> 00:00:41,526
Fish sticks are not
an aphrodisiac. Yeah.

19
00:00:41,603 --> 00:00:43,400
You're thinking of deer penis.
It worked.

20
00:00:43,472 --> 00:00:45,804
Regardless, that was over
two hours ago,

21
00:00:45,874 --> 00:00:48,604
and it is now a scientific
fact that you are hungry.

22
00:00:48,677 --> 00:00:50,076
Bagel?

23
00:00:50,145 --> 00:00:51,510
I don't mind if I do.

24
00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:53,275
Okay, I brought cheese, too.

25
00:00:53,348 --> 00:00:54,542
I'm taking one
for my lady friend.

26
00:00:54,616 --> 00:00:55,674
Excellent.

27
00:00:55,751 --> 00:00:57,412
Brain food.
Thank you very much.

28
00:00:57,486 --> 00:00:58,475
Okay.

29
00:00:59,955 --> 00:01:01,013
You owe me.

30
00:01:01,090 --> 00:01:03,422
Can't a guy just buy
some bagels for his friends,

31
00:01:03,492 --> 00:01:05,357
so they'll owe him
a favor which he can use

32
00:01:05,427 --> 00:01:10,262
to get someone fired who stole a
co-manager position from him anymore?

33
00:01:10,332 --> 00:01:14,359
Jeez, when did everyone
get so cynical?

34
00:01:15,630 --> 00:01:21,704
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

35
00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:38,490
Pam, would you
care for a bagel?

36
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:39,584
Oh, no, thank you.

37
00:01:39,661 --> 00:01:42,892
Oh, that's right, you're a woman and
you need to refuse food the first time.

38
00:01:42,965 --> 00:01:44,933
I'll try again.

39
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,230
Please, Pam, reconsider
and have a bagel.

40
00:01:47,302 --> 00:01:49,133
I have an early lunch.

41
00:01:50,072 --> 00:01:52,199
Michael's been trying
to get Jim and me to hang out

42
00:01:52,274 --> 00:01:54,299
ever since he started
dating my mom.

43
00:01:54,376 --> 00:01:57,209
I don't know. I really hoped
this thing would just die out,

44
00:01:57,279 --> 00:02:00,373
but today he's planning a
birthday lunch for my mom.

45
00:02:00,449 --> 00:02:02,110
And we have to go.

46
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,183
No way out.

47
00:02:05,787 --> 00:02:07,152
No way out.

48
00:02:08,023 --> 00:02:10,150
These are amazing.
You took all these?

49
00:02:10,225 --> 00:02:13,319
I've always found beauty
in uncommon places.

50
00:02:13,395 --> 00:02:15,693
Homeless people, graffiti.

51
00:02:15,764 --> 00:02:18,028
Photography lets
me capture all that.

52
00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:19,692
Have you ever been
photographed before?

53
00:02:19,768 --> 00:02:20,996
Oh, just by,
like, friends.

54
00:02:21,069 --> 00:02:24,197
Well, here's what I've
been doing around here.

55
00:02:24,273 --> 00:02:27,071
It's for a series on
exposure in the workplace.

56
00:02:27,142 --> 00:02:29,235
Pammy?
Hey!

57
00:02:30,112 --> 00:02:31,704
Hey!

58
00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:33,304
Happy birthday.
Thank you.

59
00:02:33,382 --> 00:02:35,976
Girls, there they are.

60
00:02:36,051 --> 00:02:37,382
Birthday lunch.
Birthday lunch.

61
00:02:37,452 --> 00:02:41,320
There's no better medicine
than birthday lunch.

62
00:02:41,390 --> 00:02:43,881
It'll cure all of your,

63
00:02:43,959 --> 00:02:46,894
"Gee, I don't know if Michael
should be dating my mother."

64
00:02:46,962 --> 00:02:49,988
And fixes all
occurrences of,

65
00:02:50,065 --> 00:02:52,397
"I don't really
see them together."

66
00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:53,991
So, open wide, Pam,

67
00:02:54,069 --> 00:02:57,095
and take a big old spoonful
of birthday lunch medicine.

68
00:02:57,172 --> 00:02:58,503
Take with food.

69
00:02:59,741 --> 00:03:03,404
Pam, aren't you going to introduce
us to Michael's girlfriend?

70
00:03:03,478 --> 00:03:05,469
I think you guys all remember
my mom from the wedding.

71
00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:07,344
Yeah, I think everyone's met Helene. Hi.

72
00:03:07,416 --> 00:03:08,405
Shall we?
Wait a minute,

73
00:03:08,483 --> 00:03:10,280
is that another
birthday present for me?

74
00:03:10,352 --> 00:03:12,582
'Cause you already
gave me a necklace.

75
00:03:12,654 --> 00:03:13,643
Oh, my God, I love it.

76
00:03:13,722 --> 00:03:15,713
Tell her how you gave it to
me. No, that wouldn't be...

77
00:03:15,791 --> 00:03:19,192
He put it around my neck while
I was still asleep this morning.

78
00:03:19,261 --> 00:03:20,489
Nice way to wake up.
- Yeah.

79
00:03:20,562 --> 00:03:24,498
The rest of the story has been
censored due to inappropriocity.

80
00:03:24,566 --> 00:03:26,363
Because of sex?
Kevin!

81
00:03:26,435 --> 00:03:28,733
Hey, please, Kevin.
You're fired.

82
00:03:29,671 --> 00:03:32,105
Sorry, sorry, work with a
bunch of idiots. Shall we go?

83
00:03:32,174 --> 00:03:33,539
Yes, let's go.

84
00:03:34,309 --> 00:03:35,606
Oh, wait.

85
00:03:35,677 --> 00:03:38,874
Swartz Lumber's on the phone for
you, Pam. And they say it's urgent.

86
00:03:38,947 --> 00:03:41,211
Oh, you guys,
just one second.

87
00:03:43,252 --> 00:03:44,651
Oh, my gosh.

88
00:03:45,287 --> 00:03:46,914
Are you serious?

89
00:03:47,589 --> 00:03:48,749
Shipping emergency.

90
00:03:48,824 --> 00:03:50,086
I don't think
I can go to lunch.

91
00:03:50,158 --> 00:03:53,491
Oh, man, that's crazy. Right
as we were on our way out, too.

92
00:03:53,562 --> 00:03:55,530
I know. Isn't that
always how it goes?

93
00:03:55,597 --> 00:03:57,861
Rarely, if ever.

94
00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,161
Let me give it a whirl,
I'll talk to them.

95
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:00,462
I will handle it.
That's okay.

96
00:04:00,535 --> 00:04:02,298
I feel like it's...
It's my pleasure.

97
00:04:02,371 --> 00:04:04,532
Hello? Well, that's great.

98
00:04:04,606 --> 00:04:06,597
Turns out, the paper
was there all along.

99
00:04:06,675 --> 00:04:08,165
Oh, thank God.

100
00:04:09,244 --> 00:04:12,441
Something's up. That paper
was never supposed to arrive.

101
00:04:12,881 --> 00:04:15,406
So, Pammy, are you
still liking sales?

102
00:04:15,484 --> 00:04:17,111
Yeah, it's exciting.

103
00:04:18,654 --> 00:04:22,021
You know, Michael
and I were talking,

104
00:04:22,090 --> 00:04:24,217
and maybe, if you
put in a little more

105
00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:28,059
face-to-face time with your clients,
you could improve your sales.

106
00:04:28,130 --> 00:04:29,597
Pam's sales
are fine, actually.

107
00:04:29,665 --> 00:04:32,099
Just want you
to succeed, Pammy.

108
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:34,533
You know what, we shouldn't even
be talking about business today.

109
00:04:34,603 --> 00:04:35,592
Thank you.

110
00:04:35,671 --> 00:04:37,502
Today's about family.

111
00:04:37,572 --> 00:04:40,666
Why did I get in the
car? I could've struggled.

112
00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:43,336
I have a whistle in my
purse, I didn't even blow it.

113
00:04:45,213 --> 00:04:47,738
Oh, Dwight, I have a
little surprise for you.

114
00:04:47,816 --> 00:04:50,751
Let me guess, you ate the
bagel I gave you and loved it.

115
00:04:50,819 --> 00:04:52,013
Yes.

116
00:04:52,921 --> 00:04:54,855
And I wanted to
return the favor.

117
00:04:54,923 --> 00:04:57,153
I was polishing my loafers
and I happened to look over

118
00:04:57,225 --> 00:05:00,251
and notice that your briefcase
was a little worse for the wear,

119
00:05:00,329 --> 00:05:02,024
so a little elbow grease,

120
00:05:02,097 --> 00:05:05,555
and she's polished right
up, back to her former glory.

121
00:05:05,634 --> 00:05:08,068
Well.
Feel it against your cheek.

122
00:05:08,904 --> 00:05:09,928
I will.

123
00:05:10,005 --> 00:05:11,973
You give me a gift,
bam, thank you note.

124
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,474
You invite me somewhere,
pow, RSVP:

125
00:05:15,177 --> 00:05:18,271
You do me a favor,
wham, favor returned.

126
00:05:20,248 --> 00:05:22,478
Do not test my politeness.

127
00:05:22,551 --> 00:05:24,212
Let me get that door
for you. There we go.

128
00:05:24,286 --> 00:05:25,981
Thank you very much,
and I got it for you.

129
00:05:26,054 --> 00:05:28,887
Oh! Goodness. Thanks.

130
00:05:28,957 --> 00:05:31,187
You know, here's
a healthy fitness tip,

131
00:05:31,259 --> 00:05:32,954
if you clench your buttocks
together while walking,

132
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,723
you can really take the
pressure off your knees.

133
00:05:34,796 --> 00:05:36,423
- Is that right?
- Observe.

134
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,024
Right?
That really works.

135
00:05:40,102 --> 00:05:42,195
Yeah. Feel free to use that.
Anytime, okay.

136
00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:43,965
Hey, hold on a second.

137
00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:47,304
Do not walk around with
your jacket catawampus.

138
00:05:47,376 --> 00:05:49,207
And that needs to be
straight as an arrow.

139
00:05:49,277 --> 00:05:51,472
Thank you very much.

140
00:05:51,813 --> 00:05:54,543
Oh, boy. Hey, thank
you very much for that.

141
00:05:54,616 --> 00:05:57,380
You are welcome.
Have a seat. Allow me.

142
00:05:57,452 --> 00:05:59,352
Have a seat yourself.

143
00:05:59,421 --> 00:06:01,321
You know what? I am
going to preemptively

144
00:06:01,390 --> 00:06:04,359
change the batteries
in your wireless mouse.

145
00:06:04,426 --> 00:06:05,518
Not necessary.
No, no, no!

146
00:06:05,594 --> 00:06:07,960
You didn't have to do that.

147
00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:09,724
Andy is complicating things.

148
00:06:09,798 --> 00:06:12,426
But I'm not worried.
This will only up my game.

149
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:16,196
Hello. Scott.
Table for four.

150
00:06:16,271 --> 00:06:19,763
Welcome, Scott family.
It'll be just a moment.

151
00:06:19,841 --> 00:06:22,867
I used to love coming here.
The chicken parm is good.

152
00:06:22,944 --> 00:06:27,506
Big part of my childhood. Maybe
Michael will start dating that, too.

153
00:06:27,582 --> 00:06:30,551
What table should we take?
So many to choose from.

154
00:06:30,619 --> 00:06:33,315
Wow.
Oh, my God.

155
00:06:33,388 --> 00:06:38,792
What? All I see are boring old
tables with no birthday decorations.

156
00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:42,455
Oh, wait a second,
you mean this one? Wow!

157
00:06:43,031 --> 00:06:44,498
Michael, you did all this?

158
00:06:44,566 --> 00:06:46,761
It's not about taking credit.
Let's just say we all did it.

159
00:06:46,835 --> 00:06:48,826
Well, thank you,
all of you.

160
00:06:48,904 --> 00:06:52,135
Well, it was actually
me alone, so...

161
00:06:52,207 --> 00:06:53,606
Wow, look at this place.

162
00:06:53,675 --> 00:06:55,540
It really makes me want
to go to Italy someday.

163
00:06:55,610 --> 00:06:58,511
Oh, you'll love it.
You can have my guidebooks.

164
00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:00,445
I think I'm done with those
really long plane rides.

165
00:07:00,515 --> 00:07:02,346
Thank you for...

166
00:07:02,417 --> 00:07:04,112
Thanks for
lending me the books.

167
00:07:04,219 --> 00:07:07,677
So, Mom, which birthday
are we celebrating this year?

168
00:07:07,756 --> 00:07:08,882
Sticking with 49.

169
00:07:08,957 --> 00:07:10,288
Forty-nine again?

170
00:07:10,358 --> 00:07:13,418
That's nine years in a row. This
is now our longest family tradition.

171
00:07:13,495 --> 00:07:15,224
That's funny.

172
00:07:15,297 --> 00:07:17,094
Well, as long as
we're running numbers, Pam,

173
00:07:17,165 --> 00:07:18,393
help me out with this one.

174
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:20,901
Let's see, honey,
you're six months pregnant,

175
00:07:20,969 --> 00:07:24,530
but you've only been married for 30
days, so what does that add up to?

176
00:07:24,606 --> 00:07:28,542
Ooh, burn, burn on you.
And a little bit on me, too.

177
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:30,669
You're 54 years old.

178
00:07:30,745 --> 00:07:32,610
No, I'm 58.

179
00:07:33,982 --> 00:07:35,244
You're 58 years old?

180
00:07:35,317 --> 00:07:36,477
Uh-huh.

181
00:07:37,052 --> 00:07:38,679
Congratulations.

182
00:07:38,753 --> 00:07:41,313
The only time you should
care about a woman's age

183
00:07:41,389 --> 00:07:42,913
is if she is
too young for you.

184
00:07:42,991 --> 00:07:46,051
And I am not
robbing the cradle.

185
00:07:46,127 --> 00:07:49,494
If anything,
I am robbing the grave.

186
00:07:50,799 --> 00:07:52,494
Mom, have you decided
what you want to be called?

187
00:07:52,567 --> 00:07:56,503
I mean, I like Nana, but I
also like the classic Grandma.

188
00:07:56,571 --> 00:07:58,596
Please be Grandma. I want you to
be Grandma. Definitely a Grandma.

189
00:07:58,673 --> 00:08:01,164
Michael.
What do you think? Grandma?

190
00:08:01,910 --> 00:08:02,934
Uh-huh.

191
00:08:03,011 --> 00:08:04,478
Yay! Grandma.

192
00:08:09,918 --> 00:08:12,910
Hey, would you guys ever
do a triathlon, you think?

193
00:08:12,988 --> 00:08:14,114
Maybe.

194
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:15,281
Helene?

195
00:08:15,357 --> 00:08:16,915
No. I don't think so.

196
00:08:16,992 --> 00:08:19,256
I am. I'm definitely going to do it.

197
00:08:19,327 --> 00:08:21,659
I've already got the run
and the bike thing down,

198
00:08:21,730 --> 00:08:24,665
just need to learn how
to swim. Come on, you in?

199
00:08:24,733 --> 00:08:28,464
No, no. I think a triathlon is
pretty much something I can rule out.

200
00:08:28,537 --> 00:08:30,698
I don't know, it just
doesn't interest me.

201
00:08:30,772 --> 00:08:33,536
So, it's a matter of
interest. Good. Okay.

202
00:08:33,608 --> 00:08:36,577
It's not anything you
would have ever done?

203
00:08:36,645 --> 00:08:38,044
I might have done it
when I was younger,

204
00:08:38,113 --> 00:08:40,104
but now there are just other
things I'd rather be doing

205
00:08:40,181 --> 00:08:41,648
than running and jumping
and swimming...

206
00:08:41,716 --> 00:08:44,150
Well, there's no jumping
in a triathlon. Oh!

207
00:08:44,219 --> 00:08:45,618
You're thinking
the broad jump.

208
00:08:45,687 --> 00:08:48,713
Would you try bungee jumping?
No.

209
00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:50,951
Snowboarding? No, no, you
want to go snowboarding?

210
00:08:51,026 --> 00:08:52,721
I might, I might.

211
00:08:52,794 --> 00:08:54,625
Michael, what are
you talking about?

212
00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:58,529
Nothing, just life

213
00:09:00,268 --> 00:09:05,069
and doing things before
you die. I don't know.

214
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,837
Do I really want to
go snowboarding? No.

215
00:09:08,910 --> 00:09:12,107
But I would like to
if I wanted to.

216
00:09:17,852 --> 00:09:18,910
What's going on in here?

217
00:09:18,987 --> 00:09:20,079
Andy bought lunch.

218
00:09:20,155 --> 00:09:21,782
Oh, no, really?

219
00:09:21,856 --> 00:09:22,880
Yep, yep.

220
00:09:22,958 --> 00:09:25,449
Took a page right out of the
old Schrute book of niceness.

221
00:09:25,527 --> 00:09:27,688
There is no book,
there's only a survival guide.

222
00:09:27,762 --> 00:09:30,026
You bought
breakfast for everyone,

223
00:09:30,098 --> 00:09:31,429
so I got
lunch for everyone.

224
00:09:31,499 --> 00:09:34,400
Okay, well, allow me.
You know what?

225
00:09:34,469 --> 00:09:37,267
Gosh, these tacos are
awfully complicated to make.

226
00:09:37,339 --> 00:09:39,466
I will make
everyone's tacos!

227
00:09:41,810 --> 00:09:43,004
So we should
get the check.

228
00:09:43,078 --> 00:09:44,978
What about your gift, Michael?
Whoa, no, no, no.

229
00:09:45,046 --> 00:09:47,606
No, it's stupid.
You'd hate it, I hate it.

230
00:09:47,682 --> 00:09:49,206
I'm sure I won't.
Yes, you will.

231
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:52,151
He locked himself in his office
all morning working on it.

232
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:54,188
Give me. Look at
this wrapping paper.

233
00:09:54,255 --> 00:09:56,689
It's got the word "love"
on it in every language.

234
00:09:56,758 --> 00:10:00,956
I literally... I put no thought
into the wrapping at all.

235
00:10:01,029 --> 00:10:03,395
Might as well
have been toilet paper.

236
00:10:03,465 --> 00:10:05,763
Toilet paper. Let's see.

237
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:10,464
"A scrapbook of our first
memories, by Michael Gary Scott,

238
00:10:10,538 --> 00:10:13,905
"for my girlfriend,
Helene, on your birthday."

239
00:10:13,975 --> 00:10:16,569
That's just an
arbitrary title.

240
00:10:16,645 --> 00:10:18,010
Okay, here's a penny.

241
00:10:18,079 --> 00:10:19,569
What's that from?
Penny for your thoughts.

242
00:10:19,648 --> 00:10:21,377
It was from the wishing
well at the mall.

243
00:10:21,449 --> 00:10:25,545
You threw it in, I went back
later, waded in, and I found it.

244
00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:26,609
That's amazing.

245
00:10:26,688 --> 00:10:31,022
It's not amazing at all. It's sort
of weird that I went and did that.

246
00:10:31,092 --> 00:10:34,255
And now your wish won't
come true, so that blows.

247
00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:37,230
A poem. Oh, that I plagiarized, I think.

248
00:10:37,298 --> 00:10:41,234
"I cannot go to school today
said little Peggy Ann McKay"

249
00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:43,098
Shel Silverstein?
Yeah.

250
00:10:43,171 --> 00:10:44,695
"I have the measles
and the mumps

251
00:10:44,773 --> 00:10:47,037
"a gash, a rash,
and purple bumps

252
00:10:47,108 --> 00:10:48,700
"And my teacher's
really mean

253
00:10:48,777 --> 00:10:52,213
"Happy Birthday,
I love you, Helene."

254
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,248
It's really
nice, Michael.

255
00:10:54,315 --> 00:10:55,543
I think it sucks.

256
00:10:56,518 --> 00:10:58,247
I think it's wonderful,
absolutely wonderful.

257
00:10:58,319 --> 00:11:00,310
Well, that's because you and
I have very different tastes,

258
00:11:00,388 --> 00:11:02,288
and you like lame things.

259
00:11:02,357 --> 00:11:05,485
It's a generational
sort of gap between us.

260
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,188
Oh, God, a scrapbook.

261
00:11:08,263 --> 00:11:09,525
Home run, Michael.

262
00:11:09,597 --> 00:11:10,962
You set the bar so high.

263
00:11:11,032 --> 00:11:12,090
That was a bunt.

264
00:11:13,868 --> 00:11:16,029
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight,
I'm going to do this.

265
00:11:16,104 --> 00:11:18,231
Hey, hey, hey, relax.
I got it covered.

266
00:11:18,306 --> 00:11:19,500
No, I insist.

267
00:11:19,574 --> 00:11:21,508
No, no, no, no, no, I insist.

268
00:11:23,178 --> 00:11:25,043
Okay, Dwight,
this is ridiculous.

269
00:11:25,113 --> 00:11:27,308
Don't worry about it,
you can just owe me.

270
00:11:27,716 --> 00:11:30,048
Hey, where'd you go?

271
00:11:30,118 --> 00:11:31,551
Oh, I just went
to the bathroom.

272
00:11:31,619 --> 00:11:34,019
And then you stopped at
the bar on the way back?

273
00:11:34,089 --> 00:11:35,613
Got thirsty.

274
00:11:35,690 --> 00:11:38,056
Okay, weirdo.
Come on, it's time for cake.

275
00:11:38,126 --> 00:11:39,423
Okay.

276
00:11:39,494 --> 00:11:40,722
Honestly, for a long time,

277
00:11:40,795 --> 00:11:43,593
I thought I was going
to grow old with Holly.

278
00:11:44,132 --> 00:11:47,932
And then I met Helene,
and she is great,

279
00:11:48,002 --> 00:11:51,597
and she already knows
and has done everything

280
00:11:51,673 --> 00:11:56,440
that I have ever wanted to
do and can tell me about it.

281
00:11:57,812 --> 00:12:01,942
But I think I want to
do those things myself.

282
00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:03,274
Cake's really good.

283
00:12:03,351 --> 00:12:06,286
I know. I love when they
use butter-cream frosting.

284
00:12:06,354 --> 00:12:07,946
Finish your cake, Helene.

285
00:12:08,857 --> 00:12:11,257
I want you to
enjoy that cake

286
00:12:11,326 --> 00:12:13,726
because I have something
terrible I need to tell you.

287
00:12:13,795 --> 00:12:17,356
And I want you
to enjoy your cake

288
00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:20,560
before I tell you this
terrible, terrible thing.

289
00:12:23,905 --> 00:12:27,341
Helene, I think you're
a wonderful person and I...

290
00:12:27,408 --> 00:12:29,273
God, I've enjoyed
dating you

291
00:12:29,344 --> 00:12:31,141
and being your
boyfriend so much,

292
00:12:31,212 --> 00:12:36,980
but I have to consider Pam's
feelings as a friend and a coworker.

293
00:12:37,051 --> 00:12:41,317
I cannot, in good conscience,
continue to date you,

294
00:12:41,389 --> 00:12:43,448
when I know what
this is doing to her.

295
00:12:43,525 --> 00:12:46,426
Michael. Michael, it's okay.

296
00:12:46,494 --> 00:12:47,791
No, it's not.

297
00:12:47,862 --> 00:12:50,330
I know that it took me a
little while to come around,

298
00:12:50,398 --> 00:12:53,390
and it's still a little
weird to get used to,

299
00:12:54,702 --> 00:12:57,535
but you obviously
make my mom very happy.

300
00:12:58,239 --> 00:13:00,207
And that makes me happy.

301
00:13:01,075 --> 00:13:03,805
Wow, that just...
You've really grown.

302
00:13:04,846 --> 00:13:07,440
Well...
Oh, thank you, Pam.

303
00:13:07,515 --> 00:13:11,815
And I hope you are as
gracious during this next part.

304
00:13:13,521 --> 00:13:16,581
Helene, once again,
you are a wonderful person,

305
00:13:16,658 --> 00:13:18,125
and you have
lived a great life,

306
00:13:18,193 --> 00:13:21,924
and I envy it, and I want it
someday, but just in the future.

307
00:13:22,897 --> 00:13:25,388
You need somebody who
understands your references.

308
00:13:25,466 --> 00:13:26,592
Who is Kafka-esque?

309
00:13:26,668 --> 00:13:28,761
I've never...
I don't know him.

310
00:13:30,471 --> 00:13:33,804
There's another woman,
and her name is Italy,

311
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,173
and skydiving,
and bungee jumping.

312
00:13:36,477 --> 00:13:37,671
Okay, so...

313
00:13:37,745 --> 00:13:39,110
And I want kids.

314
00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:42,081
And you, unfortunately,
have already completed

315
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:43,981
that part of your journey
down there. Michael.

316
00:13:44,052 --> 00:13:46,077
It's not my decision,
it's Mother Nature.

317
00:13:46,154 --> 00:13:48,952
And Mother has very
strict rules about

318
00:13:57,065 --> 00:13:58,532
fertility.

319
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,795
I got it.

320
00:14:01,769 --> 00:14:04,761
I'm 58. What am I
supposed to do now?

321
00:14:05,907 --> 00:14:07,738
Well, hobbies.
Stop.

322
00:14:11,312 --> 00:14:13,507
What's going on?
Stupid thing wedged up there.

323
00:14:13,581 --> 00:14:14,775
No one in this
office will help me.

324
00:14:14,849 --> 00:14:16,282
Yeah, move it.

325
00:14:16,351 --> 00:14:18,819
What if Dwight dies and
I still owe him something?

326
00:14:18,887 --> 00:14:20,821
That is a recipe
for a ghost.

327
00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:22,789
Oh, yeah, you're gonna owe me big time.

328
00:14:22,857 --> 00:14:24,188
Looks like a little
envelope, there you go.

329
00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:26,227
Yup. Got it.
"To Dwight"?

330
00:14:30,231 --> 00:14:31,357
Starbucks gift card.

331
00:14:31,432 --> 00:14:32,990
Surprise!

332
00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:36,837
It's from everybody.
$15 value.

333
00:14:38,907 --> 00:14:41,569
Damn it! I am no closer
to taking Jim down.

334
00:14:41,943 --> 00:14:43,706
What a waste of a day.

335
00:14:43,778 --> 00:14:47,612
I could've grown poison mushrooms
that'd be this high by now!

336
00:14:48,449 --> 00:14:50,713
They're mushrooms,
they don't get that high.

337
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,747
Pamela Beesly-Halpert.
What?

338
00:14:53,821 --> 00:14:55,413
May I have a word with
you in my office, please?

339
00:14:55,490 --> 00:14:56,479
I am working.

340
00:14:56,557 --> 00:14:59,549
Well, this is
a work-related matter.

341
00:14:59,627 --> 00:15:01,094
Really?
Yes.

342
00:15:01,963 --> 00:15:03,294
Really?
Yes.

343
00:15:03,364 --> 00:15:05,025
Join me, please,
won't you?

344
00:15:09,304 --> 00:15:10,965
I'm going to give you
a raise, Pam.

345
00:15:11,039 --> 00:15:12,097
Why?

346
00:15:12,173 --> 00:15:14,334
Because of all the
good work you've done.

347
00:15:14,409 --> 00:15:16,377
I have the lowest sales
record of anyone here.

348
00:15:16,444 --> 00:15:18,605
Don't, no.
It's not about numbers Pam,

349
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,011
it's about attitude.

350
00:15:20,081 --> 00:15:22,914
I have the worst attitude
of any person here.

351
00:15:22,984 --> 00:15:25,544
Do you want
the raise or what?

352
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,678
Yeah, I'll take it.

353
00:15:26,754 --> 00:15:28,779
Okay, hey. Pam, Pam.

354
00:15:28,856 --> 00:15:31,450
With this raise,
there are strings attached.

355
00:15:31,526 --> 00:15:37,294
And that string is attached from
my heart to your mean attitude.

356
00:15:37,365 --> 00:15:38,627
You're bribing me?

357
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:41,863
No, no. No, I am not.
Unless you want me to.

358
00:15:41,936 --> 00:15:43,062
Do you want me to?

359
00:15:43,137 --> 00:15:45,401
Because I will,
I will bribe you.

360
00:15:45,473 --> 00:15:51,878
No, your face is saying don't,
unless I haven't offered you enough.

361
00:15:53,715 --> 00:15:55,706
Your face isn't changing.

362
00:15:56,417 --> 00:15:58,647
What is it?
Talk to me, face.

363
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,620
Tell me what
Pam's brain is thinking.

364
00:16:02,223 --> 00:16:04,589
Come on, what do you
want? What do you want?

365
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:07,150
Do you want a million
dollars? Do you want to hit me?

366
00:16:07,228 --> 00:16:08,855
Do you want me to get down
on one knee and beg you?

367
00:16:08,930 --> 00:16:10,955
I want to hit you.
What?

368
00:16:11,032 --> 00:16:12,727
I want to hit you.
I'll do that.

369
00:16:13,901 --> 00:16:15,664
Okay.

370
00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:18,035
What? I don't...
Are you kidding?

371
00:16:18,106 --> 00:16:19,198
No, are you kidding?

372
00:16:19,273 --> 00:16:21,468
No, I don't...

373
00:16:21,542 --> 00:16:23,442
All right. Come on,
I'll take off my jacket

374
00:16:23,511 --> 00:16:25,945
and tense my stomach
and you just...

375
00:16:26,014 --> 00:16:29,780
No, I don't think I can
hit you in the office.

376
00:16:29,851 --> 00:16:31,318
Okay.

377
00:16:31,386 --> 00:16:33,854
So, we'll do it after work.
Hmm.

378
00:16:33,921 --> 00:16:36,549
In the parking lot,
in front of everyone.

379
00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:38,789
I'm going to hit you
as hard as I can.

380
00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:40,623
Okay.

381
00:16:40,695 --> 00:16:41,719
Okay.
Okay.

382
00:16:41,796 --> 00:16:43,730
See you then.
See you.

383
00:16:47,602 --> 00:16:48,694
Hey.
Hi.

384
00:16:48,770 --> 00:16:50,635
Quick question.
Yeah.

385
00:16:51,439 --> 00:16:53,100
Are you scared?

386
00:16:53,174 --> 00:16:54,539
Never.

387
00:16:54,609 --> 00:16:56,736
About what? A little.
What are you talking about?

388
00:16:56,811 --> 00:16:58,745
We heard about the punch.
What punch?

389
00:16:58,813 --> 00:17:01,680
Pam. She's going to punch the
crap out of your face after work.

390
00:17:01,749 --> 00:17:03,717
I'm pretty sure we said slap.

391
00:17:03,785 --> 00:17:06,686
No, it's a punch and Pam has
that crazy pregnancy strength now.

392
00:17:06,754 --> 00:17:09,780
I'm getting concerned that
you don't seem to understand

393
00:17:09,857 --> 00:17:12,223
what's going to happen.
Do you?

394
00:17:13,127 --> 00:17:15,357
I'm good.

395
00:17:15,430 --> 00:17:16,419
All right. See you there.

396
00:17:17,999 --> 00:17:19,557
Hey.
Hey.

397
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:21,898
Do you and Pam ever get
frisky? Inappropriate.

398
00:17:21,969 --> 00:17:24,802
I mean, do you ever
wrestle with each other?

399
00:17:24,872 --> 00:17:26,100
All the time.
Really?

400
00:17:26,174 --> 00:17:27,198
Yeah.
She's strong?

401
00:17:27,275 --> 00:17:28,299
She wants it bad, Michael.

402
00:17:28,376 --> 00:17:29,570
Can you stop this?

403
00:17:29,644 --> 00:17:31,578
I can.
Okay.

404
00:17:31,646 --> 00:17:33,580
And I don't support
her choice to hit you.

405
00:17:33,648 --> 00:17:34,808
I don't, either.

406
00:17:34,882 --> 00:17:37,214
But at the same time,
she goes crazy,

407
00:17:37,285 --> 00:17:39,719
and I do
understand her reasoning.

408
00:17:39,787 --> 00:17:41,914
Mmm-hmm. I know.

409
00:17:41,989 --> 00:17:43,980
I just need some time. I need
some time to think about it.

410
00:17:44,058 --> 00:17:45,787
You got to do... Give me
some time to make a decision.

411
00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:48,420
How much time do you need? No
more than a week, maybe two weeks.

412
00:17:48,496 --> 00:17:49,485
Come on, man.

413
00:17:49,831 --> 00:17:51,992
Pam, can I talk
to you for a second?

414
00:17:52,066 --> 00:17:54,330
I heard about the hit. Just to be sure,

415
00:17:54,402 --> 00:17:55,994
it's off company property, right? Right.

416
00:17:56,070 --> 00:17:58,470
Yeah, okay, I think we
should probably be okay.

417
00:17:58,539 --> 00:17:59,972
Okay.
Okay.

418
00:18:00,475 --> 00:18:05,538
And the power
comes from the back foot.

419
00:18:06,380 --> 00:18:09,474
So, it's all one motion
through the body.

420
00:18:10,118 --> 00:18:14,282
So, there's... You stay a
little low and there's a twist,

421
00:18:14,355 --> 00:18:15,686
and you keep
your shoulder down.

422
00:18:15,756 --> 00:18:17,986
And you kind of
throw out the arm.

423
00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:23,389
Okay, wait, you're saying
it comes from the foot?

424
00:18:23,464 --> 00:18:24,453
Yes.

425
00:18:24,532 --> 00:18:25,556
Okay.

426
00:18:26,534 --> 00:18:28,126
Yeah. Okay.

427
00:18:29,237 --> 00:18:30,261
Hey, everybody.

428
00:18:30,338 --> 00:18:32,932
He's not in the men's room,
although the seat was warm,

429
00:18:33,007 --> 00:18:34,440
so we may have
just missed him.

430
00:18:34,509 --> 00:18:35,771
My money's on Pam.

431
00:18:35,843 --> 00:18:38,607
It's not a fight. What
other outcome could there be?

432
00:18:38,679 --> 00:18:39,737
Michael could win.

433
00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:41,645
How? He can't hit back.

434
00:18:41,716 --> 00:18:44,742
Why can't you just
agree with me sometimes?

435
00:18:44,819 --> 00:18:47,185
Am I scared of getting
hit in the face? No.

436
00:18:47,255 --> 00:18:50,281
Every day, weirdos pay
dominatrixes hundreds of dollars

437
00:18:50,358 --> 00:18:52,053
for that very privilege.

438
00:18:52,126 --> 00:18:55,823
I'm scared I'm going
to love it. Let's do this.

439
00:18:56,764 --> 00:18:59,756
It's okay, guys. I can handle
this. Everybody can go home.

440
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,802
We're here for
the show, Michael.

441
00:19:01,869 --> 00:19:03,962
You're just
a bunch of voyeurs.

442
00:19:04,038 --> 00:19:05,130
Are you eating popcorn?

443
00:19:05,206 --> 00:19:06,503
It has almost no calories.

444
00:19:06,574 --> 00:19:07,905
You ready?

445
00:19:09,076 --> 00:19:10,168
Yes.

446
00:19:11,379 --> 00:19:14,075
You have to keep your
hands down. I know.

447
00:19:14,916 --> 00:19:17,043
Okay. All right.

448
00:19:18,452 --> 00:19:19,476
Oh, God!

449
00:19:19,554 --> 00:19:20,851
Michael, you have to
keep your hands down.

450
00:19:20,922 --> 00:19:22,219
Put your hands
in your pockets.

451
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:23,587
Okay!

452
00:19:29,964 --> 00:19:31,261
Pam, Pam.

453
00:19:33,234 --> 00:19:35,168
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.

454
00:19:35,236 --> 00:19:37,101
What are you sorry for?
So many things.

455
00:19:37,171 --> 00:19:38,638
I don't know,
it's hard to choose.

456
00:19:38,706 --> 00:19:39,798
How about for dating my mom?

457
00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:40,932
Maybe that's it.

458
00:19:41,008 --> 00:19:42,339
And dumping her
on her birthday?

459
00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:43,638
Yes.

460
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:53,252
Okay, just don't ever date
a member of my family again.

461
00:19:55,056 --> 00:19:56,683
Okay, I promise.

462
00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,622
For the record,
your mom came on to me.

463
00:20:02,263 --> 00:20:03,594
Holy crap!

464
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,227
Are you okay?
No!

465
00:20:08,302 --> 00:20:09,701
You're okay.

466
00:20:11,038 --> 00:20:12,096
Feel better?

467
00:20:12,173 --> 00:20:13,572
No, you were right.

468
00:20:16,611 --> 00:20:17,669
Wait, why are you limping?

469
00:20:17,745 --> 00:20:19,076
I don't know.

470
00:20:19,146 --> 00:20:20,909
Let's get some
raw meat on that face.

471
00:20:20,982 --> 00:20:23,007
I've got a chicken
in the freezer upstairs.

472
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:27,544
As I watched Pam's big, strong
hand coming toward my face,

473
00:20:27,622 --> 00:20:30,716
I saw my entire life
flash before my eyes.

474
00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:33,259
And guess what?
I have four kids.

475
00:20:34,729 --> 00:20:38,187
And I have a hover car
and a hover house.

476
00:20:38,266 --> 00:20:41,167
And my wife is a runner,
and it shows.

477
00:20:42,203 --> 00:20:46,731
And Pam and Jim are my best
friends, and our kids play together.

478
00:20:46,807 --> 00:20:50,004
And I'm happy.

479
00:20:50,077 --> 00:20:52,568
And I am rich
and I never die.

480
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:58,214
It doesn't sound like much,
but it's enough for me.

481
00:20:59,820 --> 00:21:01,811
Good, good, just keep it on
there for another five minutes.

482
00:21:01,889 --> 00:21:04,790
It's cold, Dwight.
Let the swelling go down.

483
00:21:04,859 --> 00:21:08,317
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
I owe you one, Dwight.

484
00:21:10,998 --> 00:21:12,124
Fire Jim.

485
00:21:12,199 --> 00:21:13,666
No.

486
00:21:13,734 --> 00:21:15,463
I'm cashing in
the favor, fire him.

487
00:21:15,536 --> 00:21:16,594
What are you talking...
Do it.

488
00:21:16,671 --> 00:21:18,400
Promote me.
Tri-managers.

489
00:21:18,472 --> 00:21:19,530
Forget that.

490
00:21:19,607 --> 00:21:20,665
Can I have an office?
No.

491
00:21:20,741 --> 00:21:22,470
You know what, you can
keep your stupid favor.

492
00:21:22,543 --> 00:21:23,874
It's worthless.

493
00:21:23,944 --> 00:21:27,209
And this is my dinner on
your face, I'm keeping it.

494
00:21:28,015 --> 00:21:29,880
Oh, that feels better.

495
00:21:30,935 --> 00:21:40,935
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