1 00:00:02,007 --> 00:00:04,475 This here is a radon test kit. 2 00:00:04,543 --> 00:00:06,010 Okay, I'll be putting them everywhere. 3 00:00:06,078 --> 00:00:08,638 And please don't throw these out. 4 00:00:09,682 --> 00:00:11,707 This is a radon test kit. 5 00:00:12,751 --> 00:00:13,911 Please don't throw these out. 6 00:00:15,654 --> 00:00:16,951 You'll see them all over the office. 7 00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:19,349 Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere 8 00:00:19,825 --> 00:00:21,349 like he owns the place. 9 00:00:22,494 --> 00:00:25,861 The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. 10 00:00:26,732 --> 00:00:28,290 But I figured I'd rather live with ants 11 00:00:28,367 --> 00:00:30,267 than with this creepy little disk. 12 00:00:30,336 --> 00:00:34,238 The second time, I thought it was one of those, 13 00:00:34,306 --> 00:00:38,242 you know, the things you turn over and it moos like a cow thing, 14 00:00:38,310 --> 00:00:43,907 but upon closer examination it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. 15 00:00:43,983 --> 00:00:48,716 And the third time, I did it out of spite. 16 00:00:51,824 --> 00:00:53,052 Come on, Michael, you're interrupting. 17 00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:54,854 You're kidding me! God! 18 00:00:54,927 --> 00:00:56,986 You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me 19 00:00:57,062 --> 00:00:59,087 not to make farting noises with my mouth? 20 00:00:59,164 --> 00:01:00,426 What is this? Please sit down. 21 00:01:00,499 --> 00:01:01,989 You know what, we're not gonna die of radon, 22 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:03,329 we're gonna die of boredom. 23 00:01:03,402 --> 00:01:04,391 Yeah. 24 00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:05,528 Right? 25 00:01:05,604 --> 00:01:07,697 And if I had a gun with two bullets, 26 00:01:07,773 --> 00:01:10,469 and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, 27 00:01:10,542 --> 00:01:12,373 I would shoot Toby twice. 28 00:01:13,879 --> 00:01:15,540 Okay, all right. You were being really funny 29 00:01:15,614 --> 00:01:16,603 and then you went too far. 30 00:01:16,682 --> 00:01:18,582 I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. 31 00:01:18,717 --> 00:01:20,207 No. That's still... 32 00:01:20,285 --> 00:01:22,219 Okay, geniuses, how would you do it? 33 00:01:22,287 --> 00:01:26,383 Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted. 34 00:01:27,026 --> 00:01:28,550 All that does is help you shoot around things. 35 00:01:28,627 --> 00:01:30,424 What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room? 36 00:01:30,496 --> 00:01:31,520 I don't know. 37 00:01:31,597 --> 00:01:34,794 How about make-believe land has anything you want? 38 00:01:34,867 --> 00:01:36,926 Stanley, please, this is serious. 39 00:01:37,269 --> 00:01:39,931 Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence? 40 00:01:40,005 --> 00:01:42,098 Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle. 41 00:01:42,174 --> 00:01:44,005 Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. 42 00:01:44,076 --> 00:01:45,839 Here's how you do it. You line them all up, 43 00:01:45,911 --> 00:01:48,106 you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat 44 00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:49,738 at the same time. 45 00:01:49,815 --> 00:01:51,749 Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. 46 00:01:51,817 --> 00:01:55,082 Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up. 47 00:01:55,154 --> 00:01:56,678 - I don't want to do this. - Throats together. 48 00:01:56,755 --> 00:01:58,450 Toby, just do it! Toby, come on. 49 00:01:58,524 --> 00:01:59,548 God. 50 00:01:59,625 --> 00:02:01,616 Ready, one bullet and... 51 00:02:02,061 --> 00:02:03,187 Boom! 52 00:02:06,799 --> 00:02:08,027 Yeah, that works. 53 00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:09,759 It worked! 54 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:17,614 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers. 55 00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:33,584 What flavors did you get? 56 00:02:33,659 --> 00:02:35,149 It's so exciting, Pam. 57 00:02:35,227 --> 00:02:38,219 The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60. 58 00:02:38,297 --> 00:02:41,960 "Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla." Why do they do this? 59 00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:43,126 Do you want me to go back to the store? 60 00:02:43,202 --> 00:02:45,762 No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. 61 00:02:46,071 --> 00:02:48,005 We got to get these out, open them up. Okay. 62 00:02:48,073 --> 00:02:50,701 This is all for Michael. Turns out his girlfriend was married. 63 00:02:51,310 --> 00:02:52,971 Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, 64 00:02:53,045 --> 00:02:54,478 this whole place comes to a halt, 65 00:02:54,546 --> 00:02:56,810 so, we're just trying to get out in front of this. 66 00:02:57,082 --> 00:03:00,245 After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. 67 00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:02,287 Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me. 68 00:03:02,955 --> 00:03:04,013 Yeah. 69 00:03:04,089 --> 00:03:05,716 Or, no, well, I don't know. 70 00:03:05,791 --> 00:03:08,419 I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece. 71 00:03:08,494 --> 00:03:10,257 Otherwise I'd be running this. 72 00:03:10,329 --> 00:03:11,523 That's okay. 73 00:03:11,597 --> 00:03:13,895 You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late. 74 00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:16,424 We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room, 75 00:03:16,602 --> 00:03:17,967 and the Pink Panther movie in his office. 76 00:03:18,036 --> 00:03:19,469 With half hour shifts to watch with him. 77 00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,369 And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. 78 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:22,429 So, please sign up. 79 00:03:22,641 --> 00:03:23,869 He's coming. - Oh. Okay. 80 00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:25,842 Everyone, remember when he gets like this, 81 00:03:25,911 --> 00:03:27,776 he will wallow if you empathize. 82 00:03:27,846 --> 00:03:29,108 Keep conversations light. 83 00:03:29,181 --> 00:03:31,240 And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, 84 00:03:31,316 --> 00:03:32,749 make a random sound effect. 85 00:03:32,818 --> 00:03:34,479 Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay. 86 00:03:35,287 --> 00:03:36,845 Hey, everyone. No, out. 87 00:03:36,922 --> 00:03:38,150 Get out, right now. Leave now. 88 00:03:38,223 --> 00:03:39,520 Get out. Right now. 89 00:03:39,591 --> 00:03:40,819 Please, please! 90 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,694 And if he makes a joke, just laugh it up 91 00:03:43,762 --> 00:03:45,491 no matter what, okay? 92 00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:50,499 Morning, everyone. - Hey! 93 00:03:50,569 --> 00:03:51,627 Hey! 94 00:03:51,703 --> 00:03:52,727 Hey! 95 00:03:52,804 --> 00:03:53,930 Hello. 96 00:03:54,006 --> 00:03:56,065 Michael, nice tie or something. 97 00:03:56,341 --> 00:03:58,502 Thank you. It's reversible, I think. 98 00:04:00,445 --> 00:04:01,742 - That's hilarious. - That's awesome. 99 00:04:01,813 --> 00:04:02,905 You want some ice cream? 100 00:04:03,148 --> 00:04:06,276 Oh! Wow. Are those Eagles flavors? 101 00:04:06,885 --> 00:04:08,785 "Cake It To The Limit," that's my favorite. 102 00:04:08,854 --> 00:04:11,220 I love that. Too much for me to have by myself. 103 00:04:11,290 --> 00:04:12,587 Anybody want to share? 104 00:04:16,662 --> 00:04:20,962 Okay, well... That's random. I will dig into those later. 105 00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:24,735 I don't follow this exactly. 106 00:04:24,803 --> 00:04:26,361 "The descendents of any replicants 107 00:04:26,438 --> 00:04:27,666 "from this union shall have..." 108 00:04:27,739 --> 00:04:28,763 Joint custody. Joint custody. 109 00:04:30,375 --> 00:04:32,172 Are we talking about your grandchildren? 110 00:04:32,244 --> 00:04:33,268 No. No. 111 00:04:33,445 --> 00:04:34,912 Rather than spend all day in court, 112 00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:38,040 we have decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. 113 00:04:38,483 --> 00:04:41,543 It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract. 114 00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:42,678 Alleged contract. 115 00:04:42,754 --> 00:04:43,778 Alleged? 116 00:04:43,855 --> 00:04:46,085 I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over. 117 00:04:46,191 --> 00:04:49,786 Pfft. Yeah, just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. 118 00:04:49,861 --> 00:04:50,885 Yeah. 119 00:04:52,130 --> 00:04:55,156 See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it. 120 00:04:55,934 --> 00:04:57,993 So much of this is just impossible to verify. 121 00:04:58,070 --> 00:05:01,369 Item five, point B, the beet juice cleanse. 122 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,307 I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting. 123 00:05:04,376 --> 00:05:06,105 How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample. 124 00:05:06,178 --> 00:05:07,975 Dwight, look at my teeth. 125 00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:10,105 Ugh! 126 00:05:10,315 --> 00:05:11,942 No secret crying. 127 00:05:12,150 --> 00:05:14,516 Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there. 128 00:05:14,953 --> 00:05:16,443 Could he still be seeing her? 129 00:05:16,588 --> 00:05:18,112 I don't think he'd do that. 130 00:05:18,590 --> 00:05:19,989 So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario 131 00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:21,992 is that Michael matured overnight? 132 00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:24,528 It happened to Tom Hanks in Big. 133 00:05:24,763 --> 00:05:27,459 Exactly. It happened in Big. 134 00:05:28,967 --> 00:05:30,628 No, I gotta go. Text me later. 135 00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:32,800 I'm really too tired to do this. Me, too. 136 00:05:32,871 --> 00:05:34,532 Then let's just not do this. 137 00:05:34,606 --> 00:05:36,972 Do you have any idea of the risks involved? 138 00:05:38,277 --> 00:05:39,369 Hey, Michael. Hey. 139 00:05:39,444 --> 00:05:41,912 We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight 140 00:05:41,980 --> 00:05:43,914 in our home and play with our baby? 141 00:05:43,982 --> 00:05:45,574 We could order in from Hooters. 142 00:05:45,784 --> 00:05:47,149 Hooters to go, nice. 143 00:05:47,319 --> 00:05:48,786 We can watch a movie and play Rock Band. 144 00:05:48,854 --> 00:05:49,946 Billy Joel Rock Band. 145 00:05:50,055 --> 00:05:51,147 That exists? 146 00:05:51,223 --> 00:05:52,281 Yes. 147 00:05:53,358 --> 00:05:56,088 Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer. 148 00:05:56,828 --> 00:05:59,126 Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna? 149 00:06:00,699 --> 00:06:02,758 Okay, Pam, 150 00:06:03,201 --> 00:06:05,829 she's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions. 151 00:06:05,904 --> 00:06:06,996 Michael. 152 00:06:07,072 --> 00:06:08,664 Since when is this an office 153 00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:11,300 where we delve into each other's personal lives? 154 00:06:11,376 --> 00:06:12,866 I like Donna. 155 00:06:14,746 --> 00:06:17,340 Is it wrong to keep seeing her? 156 00:06:17,416 --> 00:06:20,078 Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband 157 00:06:21,386 --> 00:06:24,287 or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong. 158 00:06:24,423 --> 00:06:25,890 That is something I would never do. 159 00:06:25,957 --> 00:06:28,289 Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith. 160 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,761 Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with. 161 00:06:31,863 --> 00:06:37,165 I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?" 162 00:06:38,804 --> 00:06:39,964 People, this is Scranton 163 00:06:40,038 --> 00:06:41,369 and many people consider that to be 164 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,670 the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. 165 00:06:43,742 --> 00:06:46,609 And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers. 166 00:06:47,012 --> 00:06:48,877 Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore. 167 00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:50,072 Okay. 168 00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:52,776 Okay, I will have you know that I asked Donna about this 169 00:06:52,851 --> 00:06:54,113 and she is fine with it. 170 00:06:54,186 --> 00:06:56,814 And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward, same answer. 171 00:06:56,922 --> 00:06:58,184 How does he feel about it? 172 00:06:58,256 --> 00:07:00,053 He is never gonna find out. 173 00:07:00,125 --> 00:07:01,820 He is a high school baseball coach, 174 00:07:01,893 --> 00:07:04,259 he wakes up early, he goes to bed early. 175 00:07:05,997 --> 00:07:07,931 Look at how long it took for him to find out. 176 00:07:07,999 --> 00:07:10,331 It was right under his nose. I had to tell him. 177 00:07:10,402 --> 00:07:11,869 Okay, now you're just being hurtful. 178 00:07:11,937 --> 00:07:13,234 I'm sorry. 179 00:07:13,472 --> 00:07:16,532 Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat? 180 00:07:16,808 --> 00:07:17,866 Hey. 181 00:07:17,943 --> 00:07:19,001 On her diet. 182 00:07:19,277 --> 00:07:21,677 He's a sports guy. He's scummy. 183 00:07:21,913 --> 00:07:23,847 Dog fighting, drugs, they spit. 184 00:07:24,015 --> 00:07:25,448 Did Donna tell you that? 185 00:07:26,318 --> 00:07:28,149 Real Sports with Bryant Gumball. 186 00:07:28,220 --> 00:07:30,654 So, you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy. 187 00:07:30,722 --> 00:07:32,087 You know what? You know what? 188 00:07:32,157 --> 00:07:35,183 I am declaring a moment of silence right now. 189 00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:38,058 Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. 190 00:07:38,130 --> 00:07:40,997 Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson. 191 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,025 My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. 192 00:07:44,102 --> 00:07:45,865 For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, 193 00:07:45,937 --> 00:07:48,428 a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. 194 00:07:49,174 --> 00:07:50,471 I've lived the part. 195 00:07:51,610 --> 00:07:55,603 And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage. 196 00:07:57,382 --> 00:08:00,783 So, here's the thing about infidelity. 197 00:08:00,852 --> 00:08:01,944 No, no. 198 00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:04,511 When are you people going to stop casting the first stone? 199 00:08:05,157 --> 00:08:07,318 I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. 200 00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:09,290 How does that work? 201 00:08:09,928 --> 00:08:13,364 Do you think this husband is a super sweet, nice guy? 202 00:08:13,432 --> 00:08:15,832 Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. 203 00:08:15,901 --> 00:08:20,429 Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? 204 00:08:20,972 --> 00:08:24,169 There has to be a problem with him. 205 00:08:24,409 --> 00:08:28,243 In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. 206 00:08:28,613 --> 00:08:30,740 You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé. 207 00:08:30,982 --> 00:08:32,074 I am Beyoncé always. 208 00:08:32,150 --> 00:08:33,879 Not this time. Yes, I am. 209 00:08:34,486 --> 00:08:36,977 This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? 210 00:08:37,055 --> 00:08:38,852 Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is. 211 00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:40,617 I would love that. Yeah. 212 00:08:40,692 --> 00:08:42,990 Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out. 213 00:08:43,395 --> 00:08:44,657 I have work to do. 214 00:08:44,729 --> 00:08:46,356 Really? I thought you were the boss. 215 00:08:48,233 --> 00:08:49,222 Let's go. 216 00:08:50,402 --> 00:08:53,337 I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. 217 00:08:53,405 --> 00:08:54,565 I should punch him in the nose 218 00:08:54,639 --> 00:08:55,970 for what he's making me do to her. 219 00:09:04,983 --> 00:09:06,314 All right, Andy, please. 220 00:09:06,451 --> 00:09:07,782 Baseball! Shh! 221 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,754 Try not to draw attention, please. 222 00:09:12,257 --> 00:09:13,281 That's him. That's him. 223 00:09:13,825 --> 00:09:14,985 Where? Right there. 224 00:09:15,227 --> 00:09:16,251 The coach. 225 00:09:16,328 --> 00:09:17,590 Stage right or stage left? 226 00:09:17,662 --> 00:09:19,289 I played batboy in Damn Yankees. 227 00:09:19,364 --> 00:09:22,527 Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger, okay? See? 228 00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:24,529 The grownup by the base. 229 00:09:24,603 --> 00:09:28,095 And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs 230 00:09:28,173 --> 00:09:30,334 and a heart capable of feeling pain... 231 00:09:30,408 --> 00:09:32,376 All right. Can you just... Is number... 232 00:09:32,444 --> 00:09:34,674 Can you just act normal for a second, please? 233 00:09:34,746 --> 00:09:37,010 Whatever. I'm the one blending in. 234 00:09:46,024 --> 00:09:47,787 Guys? Pam? 235 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,884 Hey. Oh! Hi, Gabe. 236 00:09:50,195 --> 00:09:53,289 Can you two please join me in my office? Now. 237 00:09:58,503 --> 00:09:59,936 You were supposed to be the lookout. 238 00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:02,974 Yeah, well, it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag. 239 00:10:03,375 --> 00:10:05,866 I don't want to be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, 240 00:10:05,944 --> 00:10:07,411 this makes us all look bad. 241 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,613 Sorry about that. So embarrassing. 242 00:10:11,116 --> 00:10:14,142 Good, okay, end of the dressing down. 243 00:10:14,553 --> 00:10:17,784 I just hate that part of the job, you know? The power dynamic. 244 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:19,914 Well, you were surprisingly restrained. 245 00:10:19,991 --> 00:10:21,549 We will be well rested tomorrow. 246 00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:22,649 Okay. That's great, actually, 247 00:10:22,727 --> 00:10:24,592 because I wanted to talk to you about something else. 248 00:10:24,996 --> 00:10:26,327 Excellent. Go for it. 249 00:10:26,398 --> 00:10:28,366 I'm sure you got my e-mail about the printer fires, 250 00:10:28,433 --> 00:10:30,492 the one with the branching decision tree. 251 00:10:30,569 --> 00:10:32,196 I actually designed that chart. 252 00:10:32,270 --> 00:10:33,965 Kind of hoping it catches on. 253 00:10:34,039 --> 00:10:35,904 Anyway, the question is, 254 00:10:35,974 --> 00:10:38,772 what is the best way to disseminate important information 255 00:10:38,843 --> 00:10:40,140 in an efficient way? 256 00:10:40,512 --> 00:10:43,743 Right. So let's... 257 00:10:43,982 --> 00:10:45,779 Finally, there's a provision here in the occurrence 258 00:10:45,850 --> 00:10:47,613 that the child is born an old man, 259 00:10:47,686 --> 00:10:48,710 a la Benjamin Button. 260 00:10:48,787 --> 00:10:50,584 Same page. Go to the next one. Same page. We're fine there. 261 00:10:50,655 --> 00:10:52,020 Just keep moving. 262 00:10:52,090 --> 00:10:53,682 Despite the provision covering 263 00:10:53,758 --> 00:10:55,316 whether this is all part of The Matrix... 264 00:10:55,493 --> 00:10:56,858 Which we can't know... 265 00:10:57,195 --> 00:10:58,253 this is essentially... 266 00:10:58,330 --> 00:10:59,319 unless we're unplugged... 267 00:11:00,098 --> 00:11:02,396 equivalent to a donor or surrogate contract... 268 00:11:02,634 --> 00:11:04,033 and wake up in the future. 269 00:11:04,169 --> 00:11:06,103 which is actually pretty common. 270 00:11:06,171 --> 00:11:09,470 So, I have to tell you that this is a solid contract. 271 00:11:10,909 --> 00:11:12,069 What? 272 00:11:12,143 --> 00:11:15,044 Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else. 273 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,269 What? 274 00:11:16,348 --> 00:11:18,942 So essentially this comes down to damages. 275 00:11:19,317 --> 00:11:22,718 Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000. 276 00:11:23,121 --> 00:11:24,213 What? 277 00:11:24,322 --> 00:11:26,916 I don't have $30,000 lying around. 278 00:11:26,992 --> 00:11:28,357 I have it buried very deeply, 279 00:11:28,426 --> 00:11:31,259 and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it. 280 00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:34,821 Chase Dixon is up, could be a big play. 281 00:11:34,899 --> 00:11:36,025 You have no idea what you're talking about. 282 00:11:36,101 --> 00:11:37,398 I know it's like cricket. 283 00:11:37,469 --> 00:11:38,697 No. No. 284 00:11:38,770 --> 00:11:40,738 Well, home plate is like a wicket. 285 00:11:40,805 --> 00:11:43,000 You don't know, you don't know anything. 286 00:11:43,274 --> 00:11:45,640 Look at him. Look at him over there. 287 00:11:45,710 --> 00:11:48,611 High fiving? He didn't even do anything. 288 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,307 The kid did all the work. 289 00:11:50,515 --> 00:11:51,539 I bet he does that at home. 290 00:11:51,616 --> 00:11:54,983 I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes? 291 00:11:55,053 --> 00:11:56,543 "High five, Donna." 292 00:11:56,621 --> 00:12:00,455 "Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers? High five. I'm taking all the credit." 293 00:12:00,525 --> 00:12:02,288 He seems pretty well liked by the team. 294 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,693 Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. 295 00:12:06,798 --> 00:12:08,959 You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players. 296 00:12:09,034 --> 00:12:10,968 I know. I know. I know. 297 00:12:11,770 --> 00:12:13,101 That was a euphemism. 298 00:12:13,238 --> 00:12:15,433 $30,000? There's got to be another way. 299 00:12:15,573 --> 00:12:18,542 He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune. 300 00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:20,268 Look, I will not pay. 301 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:23,170 Well, I have an alternative. 302 00:12:24,149 --> 00:12:26,515 "Intercourse to completion five individual times 303 00:12:26,584 --> 00:12:27,812 "rendered at my discretion." 304 00:12:27,886 --> 00:12:29,353 Look, I don't think that's actually legal. 305 00:12:29,454 --> 00:12:30,716 Agreed. 306 00:12:32,757 --> 00:12:36,625 Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. 307 00:12:36,695 --> 00:12:38,424 Better than most horses. 308 00:12:38,763 --> 00:12:40,355 But not on your bed. It's lumpy. 309 00:12:40,432 --> 00:12:42,525 Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, 310 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,364 and those names are Amber, Milky Way, Dianne and Lumpy. 311 00:12:45,837 --> 00:12:47,168 Fine, five times. 312 00:12:47,238 --> 00:12:49,297 Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. 313 00:12:49,374 --> 00:12:51,501 It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution. 314 00:12:51,810 --> 00:12:53,038 I want eye contact. 315 00:12:53,111 --> 00:12:54,203 No. Yes. 316 00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:56,144 Do you understand how rare that is in nature? 317 00:12:56,214 --> 00:12:57,647 I'm not some farm animal. 318 00:13:01,352 --> 00:13:02,944 Great game, Coach. Shh. 319 00:13:03,021 --> 00:13:04,750 Okay, all right, don't, don't, don't. 320 00:13:05,123 --> 00:13:08,456 You guys are awesome. Best game I've ever seen in my life. 321 00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,594 Yeah, right. You must be rooting for the other guys. 322 00:13:10,662 --> 00:13:12,459 Ha! The other guys can go die. 323 00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:13,519 Okay. Baseball! 324 00:13:13,598 --> 00:13:14,622 Go talk to him. 325 00:13:14,699 --> 00:13:16,132 No, God, you go talk to him. 326 00:13:17,035 --> 00:13:19,833 Shane, great game, man. 327 00:13:21,172 --> 00:13:22,230 Do I know you? 328 00:13:22,307 --> 00:13:23,331 No, just big fans. 329 00:13:23,608 --> 00:13:24,939 Both of us. 330 00:13:25,110 --> 00:13:27,203 Are you somebody's parents? 331 00:13:27,278 --> 00:13:30,645 Are you guys Kenny's dads? 332 00:13:31,216 --> 00:13:34,185 No, no, but we're gay for baseball. 333 00:13:34,953 --> 00:13:36,716 Okay. But I have a wife, actually, 334 00:13:36,788 --> 00:13:38,517 who I really love a lot. Yeah. 335 00:13:38,590 --> 00:13:39,750 Okay. 336 00:13:39,824 --> 00:13:40,848 Let's go! 337 00:13:40,925 --> 00:13:42,722 I am so into the institution of marriage. 338 00:13:42,861 --> 00:13:45,159 Isn't marriage the best, you know? 339 00:13:45,363 --> 00:13:46,887 Two good people finding each other, 340 00:13:46,965 --> 00:13:48,956 getting all committed to each other. 341 00:13:50,435 --> 00:13:52,096 You love baseball, what else do you love? 342 00:13:52,237 --> 00:13:53,898 Let's round you out as a person. 343 00:13:54,038 --> 00:13:56,768 Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to focus here on the game. 344 00:13:56,841 --> 00:13:59,742 I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. 345 00:14:00,245 --> 00:14:03,078 You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better 346 00:14:03,148 --> 00:14:05,639 if I know the coach loves his wife. 347 00:14:06,050 --> 00:14:08,644 Of course. Okay, I've got to get back to this. 348 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:09,778 Of course. All right. 349 00:14:09,854 --> 00:14:12,652 But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon! 350 00:14:12,724 --> 00:14:14,419 No, no, no. I'm good. - Come on, get over here. 351 00:14:14,492 --> 00:14:16,255 Get over here. Oh, my God. All right. 352 00:14:16,327 --> 00:14:18,454 Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach. 353 00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:19,792 Sorry, I've got some stomach cramps. 354 00:14:20,098 --> 00:14:21,793 It's all right, it's all right, just keep it going. 355 00:14:21,866 --> 00:14:23,891 Well, that was not at all what I expected. 356 00:14:26,304 --> 00:14:27,464 My heart's still racing. 357 00:14:27,705 --> 00:14:30,469 I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. 358 00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:33,636 All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." 359 00:14:33,778 --> 00:14:36,770 You know who does that? James freaking Bond. 360 00:14:38,583 --> 00:14:40,949 Okay, orange slices. 361 00:14:41,019 --> 00:14:42,486 There you go. Thanks, Michael. 362 00:14:42,554 --> 00:14:45,216 Don't thank me, thank Dylan's mom. 363 00:14:45,290 --> 00:14:46,450 There you go. 364 00:14:48,026 --> 00:14:49,493 Why would you throw something wet at me? 365 00:14:49,561 --> 00:14:50,653 You love it. 366 00:14:50,728 --> 00:14:51,922 There you go. 367 00:14:52,664 --> 00:14:53,790 Now, were those for the team? 368 00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:56,733 No. They didn't say "team," they just said "Coal Hawks." 369 00:14:56,935 --> 00:14:58,630 I don't think those were yours to take. 370 00:14:58,703 --> 00:15:00,193 Well, then, it wouldn't be the first time 371 00:15:00,271 --> 00:15:02,205 I stole something away from Coach Shane. 372 00:15:02,574 --> 00:15:03,768 I just want to go on record as saying 373 00:15:03,842 --> 00:15:06,072 that I do not condone this affair. 374 00:15:06,144 --> 00:15:07,907 And I even went so far as to force Michael 375 00:15:07,979 --> 00:15:10,106 to confront the victim of his behavior. 376 00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,206 Did you talk to him? I did. 377 00:15:12,283 --> 00:15:15,184 You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with? 378 00:15:15,253 --> 00:15:16,948 Wow, that is crazy. 379 00:15:17,021 --> 00:15:18,079 Was there a fist fight? 380 00:15:18,156 --> 00:15:20,681 No, we just talked. He's very nice. 381 00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:21,952 And it didn't change your mind? 382 00:15:22,026 --> 00:15:23,118 It did not. 383 00:15:23,228 --> 00:15:24,217 Michael, that's awful. 384 00:15:24,295 --> 00:15:25,284 Isn't it? 385 00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:26,660 Yes. I'm awful, aren't I? 386 00:15:26,731 --> 00:15:27,823 Yeah, that's pretty... 387 00:15:27,899 --> 00:15:29,298 I'm an awful guy. Ooh! 388 00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:30,595 How can you live with yourself? 389 00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:32,568 I am what I am, Oscar. 390 00:15:32,871 --> 00:15:36,363 And I want what I want. And right now I want a piece of cake. 391 00:15:36,908 --> 00:15:40,605 From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for. 392 00:15:40,678 --> 00:15:43,340 That is a dangerous game, friend-o. 393 00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:45,012 Well, because I thought that it was 394 00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:46,641 a book about Anthropologie, the store. 395 00:15:46,718 --> 00:15:48,618 I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore. 396 00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:50,176 Because it's next to the baby section, okay? 397 00:15:50,255 --> 00:15:52,655 Well, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning, 398 00:15:52,724 --> 00:15:54,385 when you said, "I read a book about anthropology." 399 00:15:54,459 --> 00:15:56,290 I don't even know why you're screaming at me right now. 400 00:15:56,361 --> 00:15:57,623 I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming. 401 00:15:58,062 --> 00:15:59,927 That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday. 402 00:15:59,998 --> 00:16:01,522 I don't care. 403 00:16:01,599 --> 00:16:03,999 I have an appetite for life. 404 00:16:05,770 --> 00:16:06,964 Mmm. 405 00:16:08,206 --> 00:16:10,071 God, that's lemon. 406 00:16:11,109 --> 00:16:14,772 Good for you, man. Good for you. 407 00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:20,684 He takes what he wants. 408 00:16:23,021 --> 00:16:24,511 You know what? 409 00:16:24,589 --> 00:16:27,319 I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you. 410 00:16:27,592 --> 00:16:28,650 What about Kelly? 411 00:16:29,227 --> 00:16:30,558 You read my mind. 412 00:16:31,029 --> 00:16:32,189 Is this a joke? 413 00:16:32,864 --> 00:16:34,126 Yep. 414 00:16:36,634 --> 00:16:37,965 It's hard to live that way, man. 415 00:16:38,036 --> 00:16:40,800 You gotta really not care what people think about you, right? 416 00:16:41,306 --> 00:16:44,173 I don't know how you do it, Michael. I can't be that cold. 417 00:16:45,410 --> 00:16:47,105 You'll learn, baby, you'll learn. 418 00:16:53,851 --> 00:16:56,945 I am an honorable man and I will honor the contract. 419 00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:59,252 But I don't have to give her the good stuff. 420 00:16:59,691 --> 00:17:03,092 Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. 421 00:17:04,362 --> 00:17:06,660 Let's see what she gets. 422 00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:13,562 Boss, we're out of paper. 423 00:17:13,638 --> 00:17:14,696 Yeah, I noticed that. 424 00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,672 Aren't you gonna add any more? Nope. 425 00:17:17,141 --> 00:17:19,371 He don't give an F about nothing. 426 00:17:19,677 --> 00:17:21,872 I have got big balls. 427 00:17:23,147 --> 00:17:24,637 I don't think I'm gonna make it. 428 00:17:24,716 --> 00:17:26,445 What about an energy drink or something? 429 00:17:26,818 --> 00:17:30,185 It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later. 430 00:17:30,388 --> 00:17:31,616 Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it. 431 00:17:31,689 --> 00:17:33,054 Well, it does and it doesn't. 432 00:17:34,058 --> 00:17:36,322 I probably shouldn't tell you this, 433 00:17:36,394 --> 00:17:40,091 but a lot guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, 434 00:17:40,164 --> 00:17:41,222 so we have a place. 435 00:17:41,833 --> 00:17:42,822 A place? 436 00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,026 A restful location. 437 00:17:44,669 --> 00:17:46,603 Talk to Glen, he'll take you up in the lift. 438 00:17:47,005 --> 00:17:48,472 You sleep in the warehouse? 439 00:17:49,407 --> 00:17:52,103 Light bulb's burned out, so it's dark. 440 00:17:52,910 --> 00:17:56,038 And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. 441 00:17:56,547 --> 00:17:59,482 Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. 442 00:18:00,551 --> 00:18:04,009 But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist. Okay? 443 00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:05,350 Okay. Pam? 444 00:18:05,623 --> 00:18:06,783 Okay. 445 00:18:08,426 --> 00:18:09,450 For your signature. 446 00:18:09,527 --> 00:18:10,551 Okay. 447 00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:17,456 Phyllis? 448 00:18:19,537 --> 00:18:20,629 Okay, look at me. 449 00:18:22,974 --> 00:18:26,808 Phyllis, look at... Okay, that's... 450 00:18:27,612 --> 00:18:31,139 All right, all right, you know what? I'm sick of this. 451 00:18:31,215 --> 00:18:34,116 I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. 452 00:18:34,185 --> 00:18:36,676 If you think that's going to have any effect on me, 453 00:18:36,754 --> 00:18:37,880 it will not. 454 00:18:37,955 --> 00:18:41,857 I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna. 455 00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:43,522 Why not your condo? 456 00:18:43,761 --> 00:18:47,390 Because a motel is dirty, and it is sexy. 457 00:18:47,832 --> 00:18:50,096 Like me and like Donna. 458 00:18:50,601 --> 00:18:53,695 And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate. 459 00:18:53,771 --> 00:18:55,466 Michael, will you drop it? 460 00:18:55,540 --> 00:18:58,338 Everybody's spoken their mind and no one's changing their mind. 461 00:18:58,509 --> 00:19:01,171 Okay, Morgan Freeman narrating everything. 462 00:19:01,245 --> 00:19:03,008 Do you want someone to stop you? Because no one's going to. 463 00:19:03,081 --> 00:19:05,276 Nobody better try to stop me. 464 00:19:07,185 --> 00:19:08,174 Good. 465 00:19:09,353 --> 00:19:11,116 I could have stopped him. 466 00:19:18,262 --> 00:19:19,661 Are you warmed up? No. 467 00:19:19,797 --> 00:19:21,856 God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? 468 00:19:24,502 --> 00:19:25,696 What did you do to yourself? 469 00:19:25,770 --> 00:19:27,328 Never mind. Just... Never mind. 470 00:19:28,005 --> 00:19:29,973 - Well, it better work. - It'll work. 471 00:19:31,209 --> 00:19:32,836 Stop kissing me. 472 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,070 It's not in the contract. 473 00:20:12,550 --> 00:20:15,041 How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? 474 00:20:15,419 --> 00:20:18,547 Good. Moral. I feel proud. 475 00:20:19,090 --> 00:20:20,250 Like a grown-up. 476 00:20:21,425 --> 00:20:25,054 That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. 477 00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:27,325 I'm a little bit emotional right now 478 00:20:27,398 --> 00:20:31,994 because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. 479 00:20:32,336 --> 00:20:35,271 At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. 480 00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:37,833 And it was either living with myself 481 00:20:39,644 --> 00:20:41,578 or being happy. 482 00:20:44,815 --> 00:20:46,282 And I picked 483 00:20:47,118 --> 00:20:48,107 the 484 00:20:50,221 --> 00:20:51,210 former. 485 00:20:55,326 --> 00:20:57,157 Michael Scott? Yes? 486 00:20:57,795 --> 00:20:59,490 Do you want to make a comment on the rumors? 487 00:20:59,564 --> 00:21:00,826 Um... 488 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,225 I have done some very bad things. 489 00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,902 Things of which I'm not proud. 490 00:21:07,138 --> 00:21:10,767 I would like to publicly apologize 491 00:21:11,709 --> 00:21:13,267 to the coach and the players, 492 00:21:13,911 --> 00:21:16,573 and I vow to never 493 00:21:17,148 --> 00:21:21,244 listen to my bodily instincts ever again. 494 00:21:22,486 --> 00:21:24,818 I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire. 495 00:21:25,022 --> 00:21:29,550 Oh! Okay, I was talking about... What's going on? 496 00:21:30,845 --> 00:21:40,845 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.